As Long As I Did

There are a couple of things right off the bat...

1) You can't build a life around trying to get someone to admit something
2) You can't heal by waiting for someone to understand

Like, 12 years passed between him discarding me and trying to return.
In that time, he just said he realized he made a mistake.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT HE FINALLY UNDERSTOOD
ANYTHING I EVER SAID TO HIM.

OR MAGICALLY STARTED TO CARE ABOUT ME.

He hasn't! That doesn't happen!

It's funny about that logic:

Someone walks away.... I accept it....
I don't chase or wait...
I don't emotionally reserve myself for them in case they change their mind...

And they want to be surprised that the door isn't open?

TEST THE LIMITS, YOU'LL SEE THEM.
TEST MINE, YOU'LL SEE MINE.

AND WHY TRY TO RETURN WHEN YOU'RE NOT READY?

THEY THOUGHT THAT I WOULD TRY AGAIN....
BECAUSE I WAS THE ONE TRYING!

12 YEARS FROM NOW? 
WHO KNOWS!

WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
WE'LL SEE WHAT KIND OF BS POPS UP.

I won't try to predict it, though.
I couldn't predict this... 

I was surprised, though. Very.

About what happened....

Didn't think it would.

Did I think Mirror Smasher would be a d*ck, either? No.

Did I think certain people were the way they were? No.

DID I THINK THEY'D EXPECT ME TO ACCEPT CERTAIN THINGS? NO.

I DIDN'T THINK THINGS WOULD GO LIKE THAT.
IF I DID.... I WOULD NOT HAVE WASTED MY TIME.

I WOULD HAVE AVOIDED IT ALL.

ESPECIALLY THE FALSE HOPE.
AND THE PAIN.

LIKE THEY HELD ANYTHING I FELT AGAINST ME.
WHY DO THAT?

It's me who romanticized the potential I thought was there.
That was me doing that.

But I don't have to do that.
I have the facts of what I was shown.

If I ever have to question where I stand with anyone...
I'd rather be alone. 

He wanted me to chase him. I won't.
Why would I chase someone who pushes me away?

"I'll always have leverage because she wanted to be with me."
WANTED TO.

DON'T ANYMORE.

IS THERE SOMETHING TO WANT TO BE WITH?

CAN'T EVEN COMMUNICATE.
CAN'T SHOW UP.
CAN'T TELL THE TRUTH.

HE COULD, BUT DIDN'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED.
SO I DIDN'T BOTHER HIM FOR 12 YEARS.

I DON'T TRUST SOMEONE WHO'D DISCARD ME...
JUST TO RETURN 12 YEARS LATER...

LIKE THEY NEVER FKN DID THAT SH*T.
OR ANYTHING ELSE!

WASTED THE TIME BEFORE HE GHOSTED ME.
WASTED THE TIME AFTER HE GHOSTED ME.

WASTED HIS CHANCE TO TALK TO ME.

Wouldn't reflect on anything. 

But I really think there was some sort of influence, too. 

Not that it really matters now. I had to retreat.

Someone who "had to" get in between.

But he wanted what he wanted. Did what he did.
For whatever reasons or excuses.

At the beginning, I thought we wanted THE SAME THINGS.
I think that's why I had some hope, but it was false hope, I guess.

Maybe I do it to myself for having hope at all... 

BUT I WASN'T PLAYING GAMES.
I WANTED WHAT I WANTED, AT THAT TIME.

WHATEVER IT ENDED UP BEING... 

IT'S NOT FOR ME.
TOO IN MY HEAD, NOW.

How can I trust someone who can't see anything about me?

I get how people who are around game players....
GET GOOD AT PLAYING GAMES.

BUT NOT EVERYONE ACTUALLY WANTS TO PLAY GAMES.
AND ISN'T TRYING TO.

Maybe getting played with caused him to play with me....
But... HE NEVER HAD TO PLAY WITH ME.

When someone thinks they'll be cheated on etc... They do it first.

If someone thinks someone else will hurt them, 
THEY HURT THEM FIRST.

I'LL LEAVE YOU BEFORE YOU LEAVE ME.

AND IF I COULD HAVE LEFT A LONG TIME AGO?
AND DIDN'T? KEPT TRYING?

BUT THE HARDER I TRIED, THE MORE THEY THOUGHT
THAT I WOULD KEEP TRYING.

INSTEAD OF JUST SEEING HOW HARD I WAS TRYING AND WHY.

BUT WHY TRY TO CONVINCE ANYONE OF ANYTHING
THEY REFUSE TO SEE... ?

I'D BE DOING THAT THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY DO THAT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?
THAT WOULD BE MAKING LIFE HARDER FOR MYSELF.

HE'D DO THE SAME SH*T TO THE NEXT PERSON, TOO.
IF HE'D DO THIS SH*T TO ME.

BECAUSE I DIDN'T EVEN FKN DO ANYTHING TO THE GUY!
WHY WOULD I HAVE?

BUT COULD HE HAVE TREATED ME BETTER? FK YES!

LOOK HOW I TREATED MYSELF FOR STAYING AS LONG AS I DID!

A Long Time Ago

A long time ago.... One of the things I had wanted...
Was to get married.

Just to be loved enough to be married.
Just that.

I look back at the dudes I dated who I thought I'd marry.

Well.... Let's start with Mirror Smasher....
I thought he was the one I'd marry.
When I was four years old....

The father of my son.... I thought I'd marry.
I'm glad I didn't. 

1) There was no expansion in that relationship
2) It turns out I couldn't trust him

Would I have been "happy" had we gotten married?
Or would that have been emotionally abusive too?

There were things I needed to learn AFTER THAT ENDED.
FROM OTHER EXPERIENCES.

And about myself. 

I needed to gain some new perspectives...
To be able to see some things I wasn't seeing. 

Hard to see some things when you're right in it.

Like this:

When you're drunk... Other drunk people seem normal. 
When you're sober... Drunk people seem drunk.

It's like that with a lot of other things.

I get a heavy feeling that people are "spying" on me now....
It feels weird... I thought they "got on" with their life, like I did.

Why wouldn't I think that? I did! Right?

Did he try to come back because there was something "planned"?
Like.... Did someone else "send him"?

I have a feeling that it was more than just him.

It wasn't just Mirror Smasher. I know that for a fact!

HE WAS USED TO GET TO ME, TOO.
WHETHER HE KNOWS IT, OR NOT.

I DGAF IF HE DOES OR NOT. I KNOW.

Should I care who realizes what or never does?

OR SHOULD I CARE ABOUT WHAT I REALIZE?

I can only do something with what I realize!
NOT WITH SOMETHING SOMEONE ELSE REFUSES TO REALIZE!
RIGHT?

Can I do anything with that? Or nothing?

Can I honestly do ANYTHING with something someone....
REFUSES TO REALIZE?

Could they do anything with something I refused to realize? No?

THERE WAS A TIME I WAS LIKE THAT!
I REFUSED TO REALIZE CERTAIN THINGS!
I WAS STUBBORN TOO!

IMAGINE THAT!

MAYBE THAT'S WHY IT TOOK SO LONG?
FOR ME TO REALIZE SOME THINGS... 

THAT I COULD HAVE REALIZED....
WHEN I WAS REFUSING TO REALIZE IT.

RIGHT?

And maybe THAT'S WHAT I WAS TRYING TO TELL PEOPLE
WHO WERE REFUSING TO REALIZE CERTAIN THINGS!

HMMM!

But why would they LISTEN TO SOMEONE AS "TOXIC"
AS I AM?

OR "VOLATILE"? 

BUT THEY DEFINED ME WITH THEIR BS.... 
AND TREATED ME LIKE SH*T BECAUSE OF IT.... 

AND I DECIDED.... NOPE.

NOT DOING THAT SH*T.
BECAUSE I DID THAT SH*T ALREADY.

Maybe I had to do that sh*t to realize some things about that sh*t.

Carrying anything one-sided.... Would be exhausting. 

I heard that I get strung along because of my energy.
They try to keep me around for the wrong reasons.
AND DON'T KNOW HOW TO TREAT ME.

AND EXPECT ME TO ACCEPT BEING TREATED....
ANY TYPE OF WAY.

FK NO.

THAT ISN'T A "MISTAKE."
THAT'S AN EXPECTATION.

Someone who acted like he didn't gaf... 
Suddenly coming back... Smells funny.

Right?

Could have tried to set me up or something.
I hope not, but I don't know anymore. 

I never did, honestly. Isn't that scary?
Isn't that enough to want to leave that alone?

Knowing there were more people involved is enough.

Do I have to know exactly who said exactly what?
To know that it was BS?

And to know what resulted from it?

Weird to be watched after being discarded, though.

Didn't see that coming, either.

Didn't see this BS coming, but it did.

But I think it was to recognize it FASTER.

SO THAT I DEAL WITH LESS AND LESS OF IT.
UNTIL I DON'T.

Should I care when dudes make bad investments?
OR TRY TO WAIT ME OUT?

WAIT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AFTER WALKING AWAY!
FOR ME TO RETURN!

BECAUSE YOU.... WALKED.... AWAY. ALREADY.

So should I return? Nope! I shouldn't.
GAVE THEM WHAT THEY WANTED.

SO THEY CAN'T BE MAD AT ME FOR THAT!

Grieving What I Wanted

I think what it really is.... It opened up an old wound.
Something I thought was healed... 

Because it wasn't being activated constantly...
Doesn't mean that it wasn't still there, I guess. 

Underneath that....
I had to address that.

Within myself.

He was a catalyst in some ways...
But.... It's up to me to do the rest.

It was always up to me.

To know what I want and what I deserve...
AND WHAT I DON'T.

It goes to show that COMMUNICATION AND MATURITY
IS FKN IMPORTANT AF TO ME....

ACCOUNTABILITY IS IMPORTANT TO ME.

IF HE HAD ANYTHING TO HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE FOR....
I'D FKN EXPECT HIM TO!

I SHOULDN'T ACT ALL SURPRISED....
AND TRY TO ACT LIKE I DID FK ALL....
IF I DID DO SOMETHING, RIGHT?

OR BLAME SOMEONE ELSE
TO TRY TO JUSTIFY IT.

THAT'S IMMATURE SH*T.

I USED TO DO THAT SH*T, HONESTLY.
I BLAMED OTHER PEOPLE....
FOR SH*T I DID.

MAYBE I DID THAT BECAUSE I'D BEEN BLAMED FOR SH*T
THAT WASN'T MY FAULT.

A LEARNED BEHAVIOR.
DOESN'T EXCUSE IT OR JUSTIFY IT.
IT'S BS NOT TO BE LIKE:
"YES, I DID THAT SH*T. IT'S ON ME."

Would it be fair of me to do a bunch of sh*t and be like:
I DID THIS BECAUSE YOU WERE XYZ?

OR: I DID XYZ AND THAT WAS MY CHOICE. ???

Like... A conversation I had about when I was a teen....
My mom did something.... THAT AFFECTED ME....

AND SHE BLAMED SOMEONE ELSE.
FOR DOING IT.

The truth is that SHE SIGNED HER RIGHTS TO ME AWAY.

HER RIGHTS WERE NOT TAKEN FROM HER.
SHE SIGNED THEM AWAY.

MINE WERE TAKEN FROM ME.
I DIDN'T SIGN THEM AWAY.

SHE DID.

SHE ACTED LIKE IT WAS THEIR FAULT.
TO GET SYMPATHY ABOUT IT.

BUT IT WAS HER CHOICE.

And even after that.....
I still connect with her from time to time....

BUT THINGS CHANGED.

THINGS WEREN'T EVER.... GOLDEN. 

I WAS AN "ACCIDENT."
I WAS PROBABLY "GOT DRUNK AT A PARTY."

YEAH, I WANTED TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER.
BUT I HAD TO HAVE WHAT SHE WAS ON.

SHE IS WHERE SHE IS.
SHE'S BEEN WHERE SHE HAS BEEN.

I HAD TO SEE THAT TO REALIZE....
THAT ALTHOUGH THINGS COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER....
THEY WERE THE WAY THEY WERE...
AND ARE THE WAY THEY ARE.

JUST THAT.

I DON'T HAVE TO WANT WHAT I USED TO, EITHER.

I CAN MOURN WHAT I WANTED.
THE STABILITY I WANTED, THERE.

I CAN MOURN EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED. OKAY?
AND AFTER THAT.... I WILL HAVE ALREADY GRIEVED IT.

THEN WHAT? WOULD WANTING IT BE THE SAME? NO?

WOULD I EVEN WANT IT ANYMORE? NO?

WOULD I EVEN BE THE SAME PERSON?

AFTER GRIEVING IT?

PROBABLY NOT!

RIGHT?

That's what most people don't understand. 

Because when I grieve something, it changes things.
And changes me.

That's to be expected. Right?

Like if someone already grieved me....
THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT. 
RIGHT?

I'D HAVE TO EXPECT THAT.

It Was Supposed To Show Me Things

It was supposed to show me what I was putting up with.

People can't act confused when they know what they were doing.
They chose to do those things, right?

Like Mirror Smasher chose to smash my antique family heirloom...
THAT WASN'T AN ACCIDENT.
THAT WASN'T A "MISUNDERSTANDING."

It was supposed to show me:
WHO WAS FOR ME AND WHO WASN'T.

IT SHOWED ME:
WHAT THEY CHOSE TO CHOOSE.

It showed me things about them that they didn't realize they were showing me.

BUT I DIDN'T SEE THAT I COULD LOOK AT THINGS PEOPLE SHOWED ME.
ABOUT THEMSELVES.

ABOUT HOW THEY THOUGHT OF ME....
TO TREAT ME LIKE THAT.

If there's no accountability....
THERE'S NO CHANGE.

IF THERE'S NO RESPECT, NO CHANGE!

NO UNDERSTANDING, NO CHANGE.

NO CHANGE = NO ACCESS.
NO CHANGE = REPEATED BS.

But yeah, all that was sitting heavy on me, still.
After all these years, I guess. 

I don't know why! I thought I got it all out a long time ago!

Maybe it felt even more insulting that nothing had changed... ?
Maybe it felt insulting because it was audacious!
Maybe it felt insulting to who I had to become to get over all of that the first time.
Maybe those and other things.

Maybe a bunch of things I haven't thought of yet.
Maybe more will come up; maybe it won't.

Maybe I'm good now.
Good to go.

Can't "predict" someone who HAD TO CHANGE.
"PEOPLE RARELY VALUE A CERTAINTY."
THEY WERE CERTAIN ABOUT ME, OR SO THEY THOUGHT.

THEY GOT TOO COMFORTABLE.
HAD TO BE....
TO DO ME LIKE THAT....

But it showed me who would do me like that....
AND WHO WOULDN'T.

BECAUSE THOSE WHO WOULDN'T....
WOULDN'T.

They just.... Wouldn't.

Showed me what they WOULD DO....
BECAUSE THEY DID DO THAT.

SHOWED ME WHY THEY DID THAT, TOO.

They can think back to when they were trying to destroy me... 
Or whatever tf they were trying to do.

They wanted to see me down and out.
BECAUSE IT MADE THEM FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEMSELF.

DID THEY WANT TO SEE ME UP AND HAPPY?

PEOPLE WHO TRY TO USE PEOPLE
ARE SCARED TO BE USED AND HURT.

BUT IF YOU DO THAT SH*T TO SOMEONE
WHO WOULDN'T DO THAT SH*T TO YOU......

YOU GET IT FROM SOMEONE ELSE.

If I went back to that, it would only be the same sh*t... 
TO TRY TO AFFECT ME.

I see that sh*t. Very easily. I don't respect it. 

OF COURSE I WAS GOING TO RECOVER, THE FIRST TIME.

DUDES THINK THAT BREAKING MY HEART
WILL "RUIN" ME.

YOU KNOW HOW MUCH SH*T I HAD TO RECOVER FROM?

A LOT OF SH*T.

I've recovered from a lot more than a "broken heart."

MORE THAN THAT BS... 

But look! I overcame that, too!

I Had A Lot To Process

I guess everything that came up.... Bubbling up....
After the 12-year-discard dude reappeared... 

I had to process the stuff that lingered... 
I thought it was over, I guess it wasn't. 

For me, it was over. 

I thought I healed from a lot of that sh*t.
I really thought I had... 

It made me realize that just because I quit drinking....
Doesn't mean that I actually processed everything.

Because it would have been easier to just move on from that.
It wouldn't have been so fkn jarring or triggering... 
I would have felt nothing. 

Not even anger.
Just nothing.

I wouldn't have had a lot to get out... 
It would have already been out.

But when you discard someone 12 fkn years ago...
YOU'D THINK THEY WOULD BE ALLOWED TO MOVE ON.

I WAS LEFT TO DEAL WITH IT. RIGHT?
NOW EVERYONE ELSE CAN DEAL WITH IT.

BUT I SEE HOW SOME PEOPLE CAN TREAT ME.
THE COOL BREEZE ON MY BURNS.
THE "NICE" FEELINGS THAT I WAS ALWAYS ALLOWED TO JUST HAVE...
EVEN BY MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IN MY SOLITUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Without anyone! To repair DAMAGE.....
ON MY OWN....
THAT I DIDN'T DESERVE!

What made it extra damaging is that I never saw it coming. 
NOT FROM THOSE I TRUSTED!

OR I WOULDN'T HAVE TRUSTED THEM!
RIGHT?

The Reaction

When you try to provoke a reaction from someone....
YOU MIGHT GET ONE YOU DIDN'T WANT.

YOU MIGHT GET ONE YOU DIDN'T SEE COMING.

Not the reaction you thought you would get....
OR TRIED TO GET...

Like trying to push me into FOMO....
I'M NOT MISSING OUT ON BS.
I KNOW I'M NOT.
I KNOW I DON'T NEED IT.

NO FEAR IN MISSING OUT ON BS.

That's one game I don't play.
That BS was foul, and I don't have respect for that sh*t.

"A*** WILL BE TOO SCARED TO LOSE ME TO LEAVE."
"A*** WILL BE TOO SCARED TO MISS OUT."

MISS OUT ON WHAT? BS?
NOT MISSING FKN ANYTHING BUT BS.

MUST HAVE NOT BEEN AS GREEN AS YOU THOUGHT....
IF YOU'RE TRYING TO COME BACK TO ME TO "SAY HELLO."

PROBABLY TALKED SOMEONE ELSE UP...
SOMEONE WHO FKD THEM AROUND.

SOMEONE THEY DID ME DIRT FOR....

AM I MISSING OUT ON SOMEONE WHO'D DO ME DIRTY?
NO?

YOU MISS OUT ON PEOPLE WHO FKN WOULDN'T!
RIGHT?


I was gaslit about it, too. Which is just as bad....
Maybe worse... 

I'M NOT CRAZY FOR WANTING TO BE TREATED WELL!

AND WATCH HOW HE ACTS ABOUT ME...
FOR NOT WANTING TO GO BACK TO THAT!

WATCH!
I'LL BE THE VILLAIN FOR NOT WANTING EMOTIONAL ABUSE!

IF THEY CAN'T CONTROL ME....
THEY TRY TO CONTROL HOW PEOPLE SEE ME....

I'M SO "TOXIC" FOR BUILDING MY OWN LIFE....
BARELY LOOKING BACK...
NOT WANTING EMOTIONAL ABUSE.

You'd think they'd be over me by now....
IF I WAS SO TOXIC.... RIGHT?

THEY WOULDN'T LOOK BACK! RIGHT?

SO WHY AFTER 12 YEARS?
TO FINALLY ADDRESS SOMETHING?
I WANTED TO ADDRESS?

THAT NEEDED TO BE ADDRESSED?

A LONG TIME AGO?

NOPE. NOT THAT.
OR THINGS WOULD HAVE BEEN ADDRESSED.
A LONG TIME AGO.

JUST THAT.

AND IF HE'S TRYING TO COME BACK
BECAUSE HE'S BURNING ANOTHER BRIDGE....
WHY WOULD I WANT THOSE ASHES?

WOULD HE WANT TO CHOKE ON MY SMOKE?
NO?

DUE TO HOW HE ENDED THINGS WITH ME:

1) WHY WOULD I LET HIM DO THAT SH*T AGAIN?
2) HOW DO I KNOW HE DIDN'T BURN SOMEONE ELSE?

I only went his way, initially, AFTER I CLOSED SOMETHING OUT.
IT WAS OVER BEFORE I REACHED OUT TO HIM.
A LONG TIME AGO.

IF IT WASN'T OVER ON MY END, 
WHY WOULD I HAVE REACHED OUT TO HIM?

TO TRY TO ROPE HIM INTO MY MESS? 

IF SOMEONE JUGGLED ME BEFORE....
CHANCES ARE.... HE WOULD DO IT AGAIN.

WHY WOULD I WANT TO PUT MYSELF THROUGH THAT?

Besides... Just because I have some things in common... 
With someone....

DOESN'T MEAN WE OPERATE THE SAME WAY!

IF WE DID, THERE WOULDN'T BE ANY ISSUES!
WE COULD CONNECT EASILY!
WE COULD UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER!
EFFORT WOULD BE INTENTIONAL!
ON BOTH SIDES. 

COMMUNICATION WOULD BE EASY!
IT WOULD FLOW.

BUT.... I DON'T OPERATE VIA TRAUMA BONDS.
I'D RATHER BE ALONE, OR HAVE AN ACTUAL BOND.

And since actual bonds are RARE.....
I'D RATHER BE ALONE! 

THAN GO THROUGH ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

It bugs me when people don't listen, though.

WHEN THEY FIND OUT THE HARD WAY.

WHEN SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING TO THEM...
THAT I WOULDN'T.

That's What Honesty & Respect Look Like

When the dude I went to college with.... College Dude...
When he even THOUGHT that I was trying to get with him....
HE WAS HONEST WITH ME.
RIGHT?

HE COULD HAVE ASSUMED I WAS TRYING
TO GET WITH HIM....
LIED ABOUT BEING WITH SOMEONE... 

STRUNG ME ALONG....
PLAYED WITH MY FEELINGS....

RIGHT? HE COULD HAVE!
DIDN'T!

Why miss me when someone does DIRT TO THEM
THAT THEY KNOW I WOULDN'T DO?

Y'know?

But you see the difference?
Between what College Dude could have done?
AND WHAT HE CHOSE NOT TO DO?

THAT'S WHO I WOULD TRUST.
AND WHY I WOULD TRUST HIM.

HE WAS HONEST WITH ME.
NEVER PLAYED GAMES WITH ME.
NEVER FKD ME AROUND. EVER.

DIDN'T HAVE TO AND CHOSE NOT TO.

DIDN'T REGRET IT WHEN HE DID THAT?
WHEN 12-YEAR DISCARD DID THAT.
THERE WAS NO REGRET ABOUT IT WHEN HE DID IT.

IT WAS INTENTIONAL. NOT AN ACCIDENT.

IT'S BECAUSE THE GRASS WAS NOT GREENER.
THAT IS SELFISH.

IT'S NOT ABOUT HOW I FELT.
OR ABOUT WHY IT WAS WRONG.

NOT ABOUT LOYALTY OR RESPECT.

NOT ABOUT: "I ACTUALLY HID FEELINGS FOR YOU."

NO. ACTED LIKE YOU FELT NOTHING FOR ME.
ACTED LIKE I MEANT NOTHING.

SO.... I BALANCED SH*T OUT FOR MYSELF.
EMOTIONALLY.

SINCE THAT'S WHAT I'M FORCED TO DO.
CONSTANTLY.

NOT THAT I WANT TO, BUT I NEEDED TO.
TO HAVE SOME SORT OF EMOTIONAL STABILITY.
FOR MYSELF.

Emotional abuse is destabilizing. 
I didn't realize how destabilizing it was... 

UNTIL I STABILIZED WITHOUT THAT SH*T IN MY LIFE.

IT'S THE STABILITY THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO BACK FROM.

BECAUSE IT FEELS BETTER THAN BS.

IT JUST DOES!

IN SOME WAYS, I FEEL BETTER, BUT IN SOME WAYS...
IT FEELS LIKE GETTING OVER IT ALL OVER AGAIN.

I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ALLOWED TO JUST BE OVER IT.

JUST BECAUSE I WAS TRYING....
DOESN'T MEAN I WILL KEEP TRYING!

I ALREADY TRIED!

I WAS TRYING. UNTIL I STOPPED.

CAN'T BE MAD AT ME FOR NOT TRYING.... ANYMORE.
WHEN THEY WEREN'T.

WHEN YOU LET SOMEONE ELSE STEP IN....
BECAUSE THEY WERE TRYING TO "C*CKBLOCK" ME LOL.

YOU ALLOWED THAT. LOL.

YOU WANT A "C*CKBLOCKER"? LOL.
YOU CAN HAVE ONE.

BUT THEY ONLY WANT YOU....
BECAUSE I DID.

THAT'S WHY.

I Remember

I remember HOW IT FELT!
TO BE EXPECTED...
TO ENDURE SH*T I DID NOT DESERVE!

I LEARNED FROM THAT.
I RAISED MY STANDARDS HIGHER!
BECAUSE OF THAT BS!

I CAN LOVE PEOPLE FROM "AFAR."
I CAN BE ALONE!
SOLITUDE FEELS A HELL OF A LOT BETTER!
THAN WHATEVER TF THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE!

It doesn't feel good.... It didn't, but it feels crappy.

ALL THE THINGS ABOUT ME THEY TOOK FOR GRANTED....
ARE THINGS THEY DON'T GET FROM ME.

ONLY FAIR!
FAIR TO ME!

DGAF WHO FEELS WHAT ABOUT THAT!
DID THEY CARE HOW I FELT?

NO?

SHOULD I?

I saw a video... A woman wanted to have dinner with her family...
SHE HAD COOKED DINNER FOR THEM.

THEY ALL WERE IGNORING HER!
AT THE TABLE!

SHE TOOK THEIR PLATES!
TOOK THE FOOD OFF THE TABLE!

THEY LOOKED AT HER LIKE SHE WAS CRAZY!

FKN PAINFUL SH*T!

Another video I saw once... 

A couple was at a restaurant... On a date... 
THEY WERE MARRIED....

AND SHE WAS IGNORING HIM.
ACROSS FROM HIM.

HE TOOK OFF HIS WEDDING RING.
DROPPED IT IN HIS GLASS.

SHE DIDN'T SEE IT.
BECAUSE SHE WAS IGNORING HIM.

HE WALKED OUT.
SHE DIDN'T SEE IT.
BECAUSE SHE WAS IGNORING HIM.

-----------------------------------------------------

JUST GOING TO EAT WITH MY FRIEND....
IT WASN'T A DATE.... 

JUST EATING WITH HIM....
I WAS THERE.... TO BE THERE... WITH HIM.

I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE MY PHONE WITH ME.

HE SAID IT RIGHT:
"IT'S A PHONE! NOT AN APPENDAGE!"

BECAUSE WE WERE TALKING ABOUT HOW....
PEOPLE ARE SEEMINGLY ADDICTED TO THEIR PHONES.

HE WAS ON HIS WAY TO WORK....
AND SOMEONE WAS CALLING HIM.

THEY WERE MAD THAT HE WAS FOCUSED ON DRIVING TO WORK.

"IT'S A PHONE! NOT AN APPENDAGE!"

IF IT'S NOT AN EMERGENCY... IT CAN WAIT.

I HAD ONE TEACHER APOLOGIZE TO ME
ABOUT GIVING ME SH*T FOR TAKING A CALL IN CLASS....
IN COLLEGE.

I TOLD HIM.... THE ONLY REASON I EVEN HAD THE PHONE....
WAS FOR EMERGENCIES.

ONLY A FEW PEOPLE HAD THAT NUMBER.

THE DAY CARE.... MY EX.... MY MOM.

PRETTY MUCH THAT'S IT.

THE ONLY REASON I TOOK THE CALL....
WAS IT COULD HAVE BEEN AN EMERGENCY.

THAT'S IT.

NOT TO BE A B*TCH.

OR A DUMB IGNORANT C*NT.

I WAS BEING A MOM.

HE APOLOGIZED.

OTHERWISE, YES, I WAS THERE....
TO BE PRESENT IN CLASS.

THERE WEREN'T MANY TIMES I WASN'T.
BUT THERE WERE TIMES I DID CHECK OUT.

Anyway... I saw a dude I went to college with.
Said hello to him. 

That's a lot different from being involved with him....
AND HIM PULLING SH*T ON ME....
BLAMING ME FOR IT....

WE KNEW EACH OTHER 20 YEARS AGO...
WE DON'T HAVE ANY WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE....
NO BRIDGE BURNED BETWEEN US.

WE WERE BOTH IN RELATIONSHIPS.
HE GOT MARRIED.

HE WAS HONEST WITH ME.
NEVER PRETENDED TO LIKE ME.
STILL RESPECTED ME.

NEVER HAD ANY ISSUES...

WE STILL SAY HI IN PASSING.

ACKNOWLEDGING EACH OTHER.

SURE.... DID I WONDER WHAT IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN LIKE?
HAD WE MET AT DIFFERENT TIMES OF OUR LIVES?

BUT DID THAT MEAN I WAS DESPERATE TO BE WITH HIM?

DID I NOT RESPECT HIM AND HIS RELATIONSHIP?

SURE... I WANTED TO AT LEAST BE SUPPORTIVE.

I PRINTED SOME THINGS OUT FOR HIM.
I PUT THEM IN HIS LOCKER.

HE TOLD ME HE WAS WITH SOMEONE.
I WASN'T DOING IT TO TRY TO GET WITH HIM.
I JUST WISHED HIM THE BEST.
BECAUSE HE TREATED ME WITH RESPECT.

THE WAY I WANTED TO BE TREATED.

JUST THAT.

AND YES, IT'S NICE WHEN HE SAYS MY NAME.
BECAUSE HE REMEMBERS ME.
NICE WHEN HE SAYS HELLO.
NICE TO SEE HIM.

AFTER ALL THESE YEARS.
TO KNOW HE MADE IT, LIKE I HAD HOPED FOR HIM.

THAT'S IN STARK CONTRAST TO EVERYONE
WHO EVER TREATED ME WRONG.
FOR THE WRONG REASONS.

HE CHOSE TO DO THE RIGHT THINGS.

I HAVE SO MUCH RESPECT FOR HIM.

Anyway, I saw him recently...

I REMEMBER THE TIMES HE WAS KIND TO ME.
FONDLY.

HE COULD HAVE BEEN AN @SSHOLE! RIGHT!
HE COULD HAVE EMOTIONALLY ABUSED ME TOO!
TRIED TO GASLIGHT ME TOO!

DID HE? NO.

DID HE NEED REASONS NOT TO FK WITH ME?
OR DID HE JUST CHOOSE NOT TO?

SEE THE DIFFERENCE? I DO!
I REMEMBER THAT!

IF I WAS "THE PROBLEM"
HE WOULD HAVE HAD A PROBLEM WITH ME, TOO.

RIGHT?

INSTEAD? I REALIZED SOME THINGS....
JUST BECAUSE HE WAS NICE TO ME.....
DIDN'T MEAN HE LOOKED AT ME LIKE I'D BE ANYTHING TO HIM.
DID I WANT ANYTHING WITH HIM? OR JUST CURIOUS?
I WAS ALREADY IN SOMETHING.
I JUST WANTED TO SEE HIM DO WELL, HE DID. 
I'M HAPPY FOR HIM AND CAN BE HAPPY FOR HIM WITHOUT BEING IN HIS LIFE.

It wasn't about getting anything from him....
What did I want? Just to be treated DECENTLY?
WAS HE BEING DECENT TO ME? YES?
THEN WHAT ELSE WOULD I WANT?

Nope. What I wanted was for him. I wanted him to be happy in and with his life.
Not like we had to be in each other's lives to be decent to each other. Right?

He could have his best life without me in it. 

I was an alcoholic, remember?

Not like I had a lot to offer him anyway...

But it just feels nice: "Hi A***!" 
It feels nice: He's still alive and doing his thing.

That feels nice.

AND AFTER YEARS OF FEELING DRAINED....
BY PEOPLE WHO EMOTIONALLY DRAINED ME...
AND ALLOWING THAT TO CONTINUE FOR AS LONG AS IT DID...
AND NEEDING TO RECOVER FROM THAT....

NICE.... FEELS NICE.

IT'S LIKE A COOL BREEZE ON A BURN.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

A MOMENT YOU CAN FEEL "SAFE"
BECAUSE "THAT WAS NICE." 
JUST THAT.

AND THE MORE I HOLD ONTO THAT FEELING....
THE LESS IT "BURNS."

EVERYTHING ELSE.

Y'KNOW?

BECAUSE HE CHOSE NOT TO BE AN @SSHOLE TO ME.

HE DOESN'T REALIZE THAT HE'S THE COOL BREEZE ON MY BURNT SOUL.

HE IS. I HOLD ONTO THOSE MOMENTS.

BETWEEN HIM AND I.

THEY GIVE ME HOPE.

THAT NOT EVERY DUDE IS AN @SSHOLE.

OR WANTS TO PLAY GAMES.

There's A Lot I Didn't Choose

I didn't choose to be discarded.
I didn't choose the "pretending."
I didn't choose to be "played with."
I didn't choose to have my time wasted... 
A lot I didn't choose OR SIGN UP FOR.

DID I SIGN UP FOR 12 YEARS OF SILENCE?
TO BE BLAMED FOR IT TOO?

FOR MY REACTION?

FOR WHAT EXACTLY?
WHAT DO YOU HONESTLY EXPECT FROM ME.....
AFTER DOING ALL THAT? TO ME?
REPEATEDLY?

IT'D BE LIKE TAKING MIRROR SMASHER BACK
AND LETTING HIM BUST OUT MY WINDOWS TOO!

IF HE HAD SMASHED OUT MY WINDOWS....
I'D HAVE TO FKN DEAL WITH THAT SH*T.

HOW DO YOU.... PUT SOMEONE THROUGH......
THE THINGS THEY PUT ME THROUGH........
AND EXPECT ME TO FKN BE OKAY WITH THAT SH*T?!

"I SH*T ALL OVER A***! MAYBE SHE FORGOT!"

IF I WAS SO TOXIC.... WHY IS MY LIFE BETTER?
THAN WHAT IT WAS?
WHEN I WAS TRYING TO CONNECT
WITH SPECIFIC PEOPLE?

BECAUSE I'M NOT PLAYING!
OR BEING FKN PLAYED WITH!

THAT'S WHY!

I'D RATHER BE HAPPY!
THAN WASTE TIME PLAYING 
WITH PEOPLE WHO THINK I WAS EVER FKN PLAYING!

FK THAT!

Why would I want a dude to DRAG ME THROUGH BS?

ALREADY DID THAT?

WHY WOULD I WANT TO GO BACK?

Where There Shouldn't Be Any

I heard that the "emotional abuse"
was to try to GET ME STUCK IN A "TRAUMA BOND."

MIRROR SMASHER ACTUALLY USED THAT TERM.

IT WOULD HAVE GOTTEN WORSE WITH HIM.

AND WHEN I WALKED AWAY FROM HIS BS....
LOOK HOW HE ACTED!

LOOK HOW MY EX ACTED!

LOOK HOW 12 YEAR DISCARD ACTED!

TRIED TO TURN IT AROUND ON ME, YET AGAIN.

NO, TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY OR FK RIGHT OFF.

IF HE WANTED ME TO "FEEL SECURE"
HE WOULDN'T HAVE PLAYED GAMES. RIGHT?

HE WANTED ME CAUGHT UP IN THE BS. NO.

I CAN BE ALONE. I'VE ALREADY FACED MYSELF.
I DON'T DO THAT SH*T.

TRYING TO PUT IT ON ME, YET AGAIN, SAID A LOT!

SAID IT WOULD BE MORE OF THE SAME SH*T.

BUT AM I THE ONE STALKING? DOING ANYTHING?

HE THOUGHT I'D ENDURE IT AGAIN? ALREADY DID!
WAS IT FUN? FOR ME?

OR WAS IT ONE-SIDED BS?
AND I DON'T HAVE TO WANT THAT SH*T.

YOU THINK YOU CAN PRETEND TO CARE 12 YEARS LATER....
AND THOUGHT I'D BELIEVE THAT SH*T?

BUT I'M THE ONE WHO HAS THE AUDACITY NOT TO WANT THAT?

NOT HIM HAVING THE AUDACITY 
TO TRY THAT SH*T ON ME?

Never had to!

But just because I CAN ENDURE A BUNCH OF SH*T.....
DOESN'T MEAN I EVER NEEDED TO!

DOESN'T MEAN I DESERVED THAT SH*T!
I DIDN'T!

I DIDN'T DESERVE ANYONE'S SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I FKN DIDN'T!

WOULD THEY DESERVE THAT SH*T?
IF I DID THAT SH*T TO THEM?

NO? BECAUSE NOBODY DESERVES THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT'S WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOBODY DOES! NOT EVEN ME!

SO EVERYONE CAN FK OFF WITH THAT SH*T.

BECAUSE I DIDN'T DESERVE THAT.

STILL DON'T.... 12 YEARS LATER.

TOO BUSY TRYING TO DO A BUNCH OF BS.....
TO SEE ANYTHING ABOUT ME....

THAT SOUNDS "S3XY" RIGHT? FK NO.

WHEN YOU'RE "HEALTHY" AND DON'T DO THAT SH*T....
SOMETIMES PEOPLE LOOK AT YOU LIKE A TARGET.
AND IF THEY ARE PLAYING GAMES
AND MAKING EVERYTHING "HARD" FOR NO REASON....
YOU DON'T HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT SH*T.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO BACK 12 YEARS LATER....

YOU'RE ALLOWED TO BE INFURIATED.
IT'S INSULTING WHEN PEOPLE TRY THAT SH*T.
IT REALLY IS.

I KNEW I DESERVED BETTER THAN THAT.
SO WHY WOULDN'T I WANT BETTER THAN THAT?

"A***'S KIND.... STUPIDLY KIND."

A*** DOESN'T HAVE TO BE FKN ANYTHING TO ANYONE!
NEVER HAD TO! SURPRISE!

YOU KNOW WHAT SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT ME?
HOW MUCH I FKN ENDURED....
TO STILL BE IN MY INTEGRITY.
TO STILL HAVE MY SELF-RESPECT.
TO STILL HAVE MY DIGNITY.

TO PREFER MY SOLITUDE OVER ANYTHING
THAT TURNS FROM SUGAR TO SH*T VERY QUICKLY.

BECAUSE OF SOMEONE ELSE'S CHOICE. NOT MINE.

BEING EXPECTED TO TAKE THE BLAME FOR ANY OF IT....
IS FKN WILD. IS IT NOT?

I already went through that sh*t AS A CHILD.

I LOOK BACK AT THE ABUSE BACK THEN....
SAME SH*T.
FOR THE SAME REASONS: CONTROL.

NO.... YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME.
SURPRISE!

YOU WEREN'T MEANT TO!
YOU WERE MEANT TO FKN CONTROL YOURSELF!

IF YOU CAN'T CONTROL YOURSELF.....
ENOUGH NOT TO FKN INSULT ME..... AS AN EXAMPLE....
WHY SHOULD YOU HAVE "CONTROL" OVER ME?
JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT IT?

AND WHAT IF I DECIDE YOU DON'T GET IT?

THEN WHAT?

THEN HOW DO YOU ACT?

AM I THE ONE ACTING LIKE THAT?

I ALREADY UNDERSTOOD A LONG TIME AGO...
I DON'T FKN CONTROL YOU.
THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANTED.... 
I WANTED YOU TO FKN CONTROL YOURSELF.

BIG DIFFERENCE. BIG!

SO THEN.... WHEN YOU SHOW ME THAT YOU STILL CAN'T....
STILL WON'T.... EVEN OVER A DECADE LATER.....

WHEN I HAVE ALREADY DEMONSTRATED SELF-CONTROL
BY JUST.... BEING DONE WITH IT... 

IF YOU MAKE IT HARD TO TALK TO SOMEONE....
WHY WOULD THEY WANT TO TALK?

THEY GET TIRED OF THE BS.
WHERE THERE SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN ANY BS.

RIGHT?

Nothing Unreasonable

I'm not mad that there was someone else.
That wasn't the issue.

THE ISSUE WAS:
IF THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE... TELL ME.
SO YOU CAN CHOOSE THEM....
AND YOU CAN FK YOURSELF.

DON'T LIE TO ME ABOUT IT, 
THEN TREAT ME LIKE SH*T....
BECAUSE OF SOMEONE ELSE.

Then.... WHEN I AM UPSET....
ABOUT BEING TREATED LIKE SH*T....
DON'T TRY TO BLAME ME FOR THAT SH*T.

BECAUSE: YOU'RE THE ONE CHOOSING THAT SH*T.

JUST THAT.

I was never saying:
"YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE ME OR ELSE!"
"YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME EVERYTHING I WANT!"

OR ANYTHING FKN UNREASONABLE.

What I would have been cool with....
HONESTY!

SOMEONE ELSE, JUST MEANS YOU CHOSE DIFFERENT.
THAT'S IT.
DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT ME. 

IT WAS YOUR FKN CHOICE IN THE FIRST PLACE....
BUT.....

IF YOU CHOOSE SOMEONE ELSE....
AT LEAST TREAT ME WITH RESPECT.

THAT'S ALL.

What did bug me is that GIRLS CAN LIE
TO GET A GUY.

THEY CAN LIE ABOUT OTHER GIRLS.
THEY CAN LIE ABOUT THEMSELVES.
THEY CAN "FUTURE FAKE" LIKE SOME DUDES CAN.

AND IF A DUDE FALLS FOR THAT....
AND FORFEITS AN OPPORTUNITY
FOR SOMETHING REAL...

THEN.... THAT IS WHAT HE CHOSE TO DO.

BUT... YOU DON'T NEED TO BE LEAVING
THE REAL DEAL ON THE SHELF.

THINKING SHE'S RIGHT THERE...
WHEN YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND.

BECAUSE: SHE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE!
SHE CAN MAKE A LIFE WITHOUT YOU IN IT.

MANIPULATION TO ACCUSE SOMEONE OF MANIPULATING.

TO GHOST SOMEONE AND TRY TO COME BACK 12 YEARS LATER.

WHAT'S THAT?

"I GET TO CHOOSE WHEN I TALK TO YOU (12 YEARS LATER)."
I EXPECT YOU TO WAIT 12 FKN YEARS FOR ME....

ARROGANT TO THINK THAT THEY CAN "GET ME BACK."
AFTER TREATING ME LIKE THAT.

ARROGANCE TURNS ME OFF.

HE DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL ABOUT ME BACK THEN, RIGHT?

BUT NOW THAT I HAVE OPPORTUNITIES... 
HE SEES ME AS ONE.

WELP, NOPE. I AM A PERSON.
WHO WANTED TO BE TREATED DECENTLY. I WASN'T.

IT'D BE A REPEAT BECAUSE HE COULD HAVE JUST RESPECTED ME.

HE DIDN'T WANT TO LOOK AT ME 
AS SOMEONE WHO WAS TRYING TO SHOW HIM DIFFERENT.

HE COULD HAVE LEARNED, HAD HE LISTENED. 

Maybe he saw me somewhere.
I probably didn't see him 
BECAUSE I BARELY THINK OF HIM.
ONLY BEEN THINKING OF HIM
BECAUSE HE CONTACTED ME.

OTHERWISE, I'D BE DOING OTHER THINGS.

THE EMOTIONAL ABUSE WAS BS, THOUGH.
HE GOT TO SEE HOW WELL I'M DOING WITHOUT HIM.
HE GOT TO SEE HOW LITTLE CONTROL HE ACTUALLY HAD.

OVER ME.

THAT I WAS ONLY THERE BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE.
THAT HE WAS TAKING ME FOR GRANTED.

CAN'T FIND ME IN ANYONE ELSE.

BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT ME.

BUT I DISLIKE SHOWING ANYONE MY STRENGTH.
DISLIKE HAVING TO DO THAT.

WHY WOULD I PUT IN THE WORK
TO BUILD SOMEONE UP
WHO CONSTANTLY TRIED TO TEAR ME DOWN?

I HAD TO BUILD MYSELF UP AFTER THAT SH*T.

LET HIM REFLECT ON HOW HE TREATED ME.
LET HIM.

I'm not around to try to gaslight and emotionally abuse.

I knew we could have had something worthwhile... 
IF HE HAD FKN COOPERATED....

BUT.... DIDN'T.

But when someone tries to break me....
AND I HAVE TO SHOW THEM THAT THEY CAN'T....
AND WHY....

YEAH, IT P*SSES ME OFF.


AND WHEN NOTHING WAS CHANGING....
NOT GETTING ANY BETTER....
WAS NOT GETTING TREATED ANY BETTER... 

IT BECAME EXHAUSTING. 

BETTER THINGS TO SPEND MY TIME ON....
THAN THAT SH*T.

I have to get it out....
And this is for reflection purposes.... 

Because apparently I had to re-explain how I operate.... 
Which would have been SEEN, 
HAD I BEEN TAKEN SERIOUSLY, 
NOT FOR GRANTED... 

Reflection on the things I've been saying....
BUT WHY I'VE BEEN SAYING IT.

Because he didn't have to make those "mistakes."
BECAUSE HE COULD HAVE CHOSEN TO GROW TF UP!
AND TREAT ME THE WAY I DESERVED TO BE TREATED!
THE FIRST TIME AROUND!

DID MIRROR SMASHER HAVE TO SMASH MY MIRROR?
DID HEAD PUNCHER HAVE TO PUNCH ME IN THE HEAD?

DID IRON HEART HAVE TO HAVE AN IRON HEART?

Of all, Iron Heart... He tried. I'll give him that.
AND I WASN'T READY FOR HIM.

HE KNEW THAT.

CAN'T BLAME HIM FOR GUARDING HIMSELF... 

If certain things aligned... Maybe. Who knows?
Hopefully, whoever he meets....
Is ready for him. 

But... Certain people who did certain things...
That they didn't need to do....
DIDN'T NEED TO BE DOING THOSE THINGS!
TO ME!

BUT CHOSE TO! RIGHT?

That's what's disappointing and infuriating, I think.
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT SH*T.
BUT CHOSE TO DO THAT SH*T ANYWAY.

To me. Things I wouldn't have done to them. 

That's closure. The facts are closure. 

But it's weird to "stalk" me AFTER DISCARDING ME.

When you discarded me.... YOU FORFEITED ME.
THAT'S IT.

SO THEN.... WHY STALK ME?

OF COURSE I'M ALLOWED TO MOVE ON....
JUST LIKE THEY ARE.... TOO.... RIGHT?

DISCARD SOMEONE.... LIKE THEY MEANT NOTHING....
THEN.... THEY HAVE A RIGHT TO MOVE ON!

Here I was just thinking my ex still read this... Maybe he does.
I dgaf if he does....

BUT MY LIFE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM.
AS HIS LIFE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

THAT'S WHY HE'S ALLOWED TO MOVE ON. RIGHT?

I DON'T WATCH HIM OR ANYTHING.
HE IS FREE. 

SO AM I.

ALL I'M DOING....
IS GETTING OVER....
A BUNCH OF SH*T.....
A BUNCH OF PEOPLE DID TO ME.

NOT JUST HIM.

- MIRROR SMASHER
- HEAD PUNCHER
- 12 YEAR DISCARD
- IRON HEART

Even though Iron Heart hurt me the least of them all.
I had to get over him TWICE.

That's what hurt most, I think.

Why come back: "I missed our talks."
AND THEN JUST DIP AGAIN?

DIDN'T WANT ME? OKAY! I CAN LIVE WITH THAT....

BUT WHEN HE LEFT THE FIRST TIME.....

I HADN'T DONE ANYTHING.

I WAS ALREADY FKD UP, YES.

BEING FKD UP WAS ABOUT AS BAD AS IT WAS.
I NEVER DID ANYTHING TO "DECEIVE" HIM.
NEVER ONCE LIED TO HIM.

WAS HONEST ABOUT WHERE I WAS AT... 

AND THEN POOF. GONE. FOR OVER A YEAR.
NOT 12 YEARS.... BUT OVER A YEAR....
MAYBE CLOSE TO TWO YEARS....

THEN POOF! HE'S BACK.
"I MISSED OUR TALKS"
WHILE I HAD BEEN MISSING HIM.
NOT OUR TALKS. HIM. 

BIG DIFFERENCE.

I DON'T EXPECT TO HEAR FROM HIM AGAIN.
I ALREADY TRIED AGAIN AFTER HE BOUNCED BEFORE.

I HAD TO GET OVER HIM, TOO. 

EVEN THOUGH HE DIDN'T HURT ME
AS MUCH AS SOME PEOPLE
WHO DID SH*T TO ME....
I NEVER FKN THOUGHT THEY'D DO.

It bugged me because they don't HAVE TO QUESTION
WHETHER I'D DO THAT SH*T OR NOT.
BECAUSE I WOULDN'T. 

DID I? NO?

BUT WHATEVER.... RIGHT?

I WAS JUST WORDS ON A SCREEN ANYWAY.

NOT SOMEONE WHO MATTERED TO HIM.

TO ANY OF THEM. 

AND THAT IS OKAY.

NOT LIKE I'VE BEEN SITTING HERE:
"THEY HURT ME SO I HAVE TO GET REVENGE."

TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT.

WHAT DID I DO? NOTHING TO THEM?
COULD HAVE? YES.

THEY KNOW THAT.

HAD I BEEN "CRAZY".....
I WOULD HAVE DONE CRAZY THINGS..... RIGHT?

I COULD HAVE TAKEN THINGS WAY TOO FAR.... RIGHT?

JUST FEELING DECENT AGAIN....
WITHOUT ANYONE....
IS GOOD ENOUGH....
FOR ME.

TOOK A LOT TO GET TO THIS POINT.
IN MY LIFE.

A LOT COULD HAVE BROKEN ME.
ALL THE VERY INTENTIONAL SH*T.

BUT.... NO.

IF I LET IT BREAK ME....
WHERE WOULD I BE?

NOT WHERE I AM TODAY.
VERY FAR FROM HERE.

Mostly Disappointed

Today was a nice day.
Had lunch with my friend, and we went for a walk afterward. 

The weather's decent today, too. 

Sunny, warm.... 

We walked to Parliament Hill.
Talked a lot... 

It was nice! I had a nice time!

We have some things in common.
It's nice just to chill and have a nice time.

We ate, and then we went for a walk.
Was nice!

A lot of the area has changed a lot.

There's a visitor center underground. 

The last time I'd been there, there was a lot of construction.
But it's built now.

Lots of tourists around... 

I don't go out a whole lot these days.
It was nice to be out and have some company.

I also picked up the rocks that I found a month or so ago.
They were still where I stashed them. 

Surprisingly. 

Mostly, nothing gets left alone. Not even a bag of rocks.

But the bag was there, so I got it today.

Anyway, I have to push a bunch of past stuff aside...
Because... I have some things to do...
Things to concentrate on and focus on that need my attention. 

Progressing day by day, just like before...
When I had to get over all of it the first time. 

I guess I still had to get stuff out.
I think it's mostly out. Thanks for bearing with me.

That sh*t was disappointing because I didn't see it coming.
NOT FROM HIM.

Did I see it coming from anyone I trusted? No!
Because I trusted them!

To just be decent!

Anyway, I'm not going to get into it again.
I already got it out. It helped. 

Why hold that in?

Would it do me any good to do that?

TO PRETEND I FEEL AWESOME ABOUT ANY OF THAT?

Just a bunch of questions I keep asking myself:

1) Why does it take being embarrassed by a downgrade?
2) Why does it take karma?
3) Why does it take over a DECADE?
4) Why do people think I'll be there after being discarded?

Among other things... 

Why do people try to affect me so much?
WHY DO THEY THINK I'LL ALWAYS BE THERE?

BEING LOYAL AND CONSISTENT.....
MAKES PEOPLE THINK THAT, MAYBE... 

Anyway, yeah, I was upset about it all.
BECAUSE I DIDN'T THINK HE'D DO ME LIKE THAT.

"I'LL JUST TRY TO HAVE MY CAKE AND EAT IT TOO"
"A*** WILL BE THERE, SHE WANTS ME!"

WANTED! NOT ANYMORE!

THE MOMENT SOMEONE LOOKS DIFFERENT TO ME....
FOR TURNING ON ME....

THEY DON'T GET THOSE "FEELINGS" FROM ME.

NO MATTER HOW I ONCE FELT.
OR SAW THEM... 

Mostly disappointed. Angry? Yeah, I was infuriated!
It's been insulting!

If I did that sh*t?! Really?! 

They'd feel that sh*t from me.

Perceptions

The thing is that dudes think I will ENDLESSLY COMPROMISE.
I ALREADY WAITED FOR THAT DUDE.
HE PROJECTED SH*T ONTO ME, 
WANTED TO ARGUE CONSTANTLY, 
COULDN'T TALK TO HIM....

I'm starting to wonder if those calls
where "nobody was on the other line" were him.

He literally ran away and wanted me to chase him!
FOR WHAT?

FOR ARGUMENTS?
TO KEEP WAITING FOR HIM?
FOR NOTHING?
TO BE OVERLOOKED?
TO BE DISCARDED?

Nope. Just fkn nope.

As curious as I was before, I found out. Right?
That we are not compatible.

That's fine. 
That was always fine.

Doing me like that.....
IS NOT COOL.

"LOSING A*** WASN'T PART OF THE PLAN."

WELP, HAD YOU TREATED ME RIGHT....
WOULD YOU HAVE LOST ME?

OR WOULD I HAVE STAYED?

WOULD I STILL BE THERE?

PROBABLY!

BUT PEOPLE WHO ARE LOYAL......
DON'T APPRECIATE DISLOYALTY. 
THEY DON'T.

OR APPRECIATE DISHONESTY.

AND BOTH ARE FKD UP.

NOT JUST DISLOYALTY.
NOT JUST DISHONESTY.

BOTH. AMONG OTHER FKD UP STUFF.

I DON'T GIVE UP EASILY!
IF I GIVE UP ON SOMETHING OR SOMEONE....
I'VE ALREADY FKN TRIED!
ALREADY CARED!
ALREADY WANTED FKN HARMONY!
ALREADY GOT DISRESPECTED!
ALREADY INSULTED.

JUST ALREADY.... GAVE UP!

IT TAKES A LOT OF SH*T, BUT....
I FKN GIVE UP!

BECAUSE..... FK THAT!

I have "hope" that things will change.....
UNTIL I SEE THEY HAVEN'T.

I LOSE FAITH IN THINGS CHANGING.
I LOSE FAITH IN THINGS GETTING BETTER.

IF SOMEONE WON'T CONSIDER ME....
THE THINGS I'M TELLING THEM....

IS THERE A POINT?

BECAUSE IF I HAVE TO ASK IF THERE IS ONE....
I CAN'T SEE IT!

NOT THAT THERE ISN'T ONE.... 
JUST BECAUSE I CAN'T SEE ONE....

BUT... IF I CAN'T SEE IT.....
IS THERE A POINT, AT THAT TIME?

ANY POINT IN EXPLAINING MYSELF?
DEFENDING MYSELF, YET AGAIN, 
12 FKN YEARS LATER?

AFTER I HAD ALREADY FKN MOVED ON FROM THAT SH*T?

BARELY THOUGHT ABOUT IT?

WAS LIVING MY LIFE?

WITHOUT HIM?

NOT DOING ANYTHING TO HIM?

LETTING HIM LIVE HIS?

WAS THAT WHAT I WAS DOING?

I THINK SO!

WASN'T THAT THE HEALTHY THING TO DO?

WAS I DWELLING ON THE BS ANYMORE?
DWELLING ON HOW FKN UNFAIR THAT SH*T WAS?

HOW UNFAIR A LOT OF SH*T WAS TO ME?

HOW INFURIATING THAT SH*T WOULD BE?
UNDERSTANDABLY?

NOT HARD TO SEE THAT....
IF THAT SH*T WAS BEING DONE TO THEM, RIGHT?

WHY IS IT SO HARD TO SEE
WHEN IT'S BEING DONE TO ME?

IF I WAS DOING IT.....
THEY'D SEE IT!

BUT WHY WOULD I BE DOING IT?

IF THEY WERE BEING FAIR TO ME....
WOULD I HAVE ANY REASON TO BE UPSET?
NO?

THINGS WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL?
YEAH?

Bugs me to be overlooked and misjudged.....
BUT I WOULD RATHER BE ALONE!
THAN DEAL WITH THAT SH*T!

It also bugs me that when (or IF) people learn about me....

IT'S WHEN THEY LEARN THEY ARE WRONG ABOUT ME!
AND WHY THEY ARE WRONG!
AND HAVE BEEN WRONG FOR THE LAST 12 YEARS!

WAS WRONG ABOUT ME.... BACK THEN....
AND WRONG NOW!

BUT THEY ARE ALLOWED TO BE WRONG.

THEY CAN BE AS WRONG AS THEY WANT!

DOESN'T MAKE THEM RIGHT!

If they hadn't fed into lies and BS.....
WOULD THEY HAVE BEEN DECENT TO ME?

JUST THAT?

Hard to say! Right? Hard to say!

Honestly, HOW MUCH BS WAS I SUPPOSED TO TAKE?

OR EXPECTED TO TAKE?

HAVE I NOT HAD ENOUGH? ALREADY?

PRETTY SURE IT'S ALREADY BEEN ENOUGH!

MORE THAN ENOUGH!

DO I CARE WHO THINKS WHAT ABOUT ME?
OR BELIEVES WHAT ABOUT ME?

DO THEY KNOW ME? NO?
SO WHY WOULD I CARE?

BUT... SINCE IT'S ALREADY BEEN ENOUGH BS....
I DEFINITELY DON'T WANT ANY MORE BS!

WHY WOULD I?

ALREADY BEEN ENOUGH, RIGHT?

SHOULD IT BE MY PROBLEM IF SOMEONE
WANTS TO BELIEVE BS?

IF SOMEONE WANTS TO TREAT ME LIKE SH*T
BECAUSE OF SOMETHING THEY THINK ABOUT ME.....

WHY WOULD I STAY?

I MOVED ON LIKE I HAD A RIGHT TO DO!
HE HAD A RIGHT TO, TOO! I LET HIM!

WHY DO ANYTHING "TOXIC"
FOR JUST BEING DISCARDED?

SET ME FREE! OKAY? DID THAT.

I AM FREE OF ANYONE WHO WOULD DISCARD ME.
WHEN THEY DO THAT. I'M FREE OF IT.

FREE OF THE UNFAIRNESS. OF THE BS.
OF THE ONE-SIDENESS.

OF THE ASSUMPTIONS....
OF WHATEVER BS JUDGEMENTS.... OF ME.

FOR WHAT? JUDGING ME FOR WHAT?
IN THE WORST WAYS FOR WHAT?

DID I DO ANYTHING TO HIM?
EVEN BEFORE WE TRIED TO "RECONNECT"
THE FIRST TIME?

DID HE HAVE ANY ISSUES WITH ME? NO?
BECAUSE I NEVER FKN CREATED ANY!
THAT'S WHY!

BUT FUNNY HOW PEOPLE CAN THINK AND SAY
WHATEVER....
AND THEN PEOPLE CAN TURN ON ME....
JUST LIKE THAT.

WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE....

IF THEY WERE GOING TO BE COMMITTED....
TO MISUNDERSTAND ME......
OKAY! THINK WHATEVER YOU WANT TO!

DOESN'T MEAN THEY WILL EVER UNDERSTAND!
ME OR ANYTHING ABOUT ME!

SO THERE IS NOTHING I CAN "DO OR SAY"
FOR THEM TO SEE ME "CORRECTLY."

RIGHT?

SO THEN... SHOULD I KEEP TRYING?

What Bugs Me Also

If I were "expected to wait for him"
I WOULD HAVE BEEN EXPECTED
TO WAIT 12 FKN YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!

WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING THAT!

YOU SEE?

Did I agree to WAIT? DID I? NO!

REASONABLY, OKAY....
WITHIN REASON, OKAY.

BUT TO BE TREATED THE WAY I WAS TREATED....

THEN..... "HOLD ON FOR 12 YEARS...." WTF?

AND AFTER 12 YEARS? DID I GET RESPECT THEN? NO?

NOW IT'S "WHAT CAN I LOSE?" WHEN THEY LOOK AT ME?
THEY ALREADY LOST! FORFEIT!

THEY ALL KNOW WHAT THEY DID!
THEY CHOSE TO DO IT!

THEY WON'T SAY: "SORRY I CHOSE TO TREAT YOU LIKE DIRT, A***."

"I HAVE LOTS OF OPTIONS! I CAN TREAT A*** LIKE DIRT!"
FK NO!

A*** WALKS AWAY FROM THAT SH*T AND KEEPS WALKING.

IF THEY WANT TO TAKE RISKS, THEY CAN GO FOR IT!

THEY DID THAT.

FOR NOTHING.

THEN THEY WANT TO "SHOOT THEIR SHOT"?
ON WHAT?

ON ANYTHING SOLID? 

ONLY BECAUSE I COULD BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE?

LIKE I SHOULD LET THE BS GO?

LIKE THEY DIDN'T INTENTIONALLY DO WHAT THEY DID?

For More Context

The reason I'm DISAPPOINTED AF....
Is because I knew him a long time ago.

I HAD A GOOD VIEW OF HIM.
I THOUGHT HE WAS A DECENT DUDE....
AT SCHOOL, HE HAD TREATED ME DECENTLY.

When I met him....
I was in a relationship.
I DIDN'T HIDE THAT FROM HIM.

HE KNEW THAT. I WAS HONEST ABOUT THAT.

REMEMBER? I WAS PREGNANT IN HIGH SCHOOL!

YEARS.... AFTER THAT RELATIONSHIP ENDED....
I THOUGHT BACK TO PEOPLE.....
I THOUGHT TREATED ME DECENTLY.....

BECAUSE.... ALL I WANTED.....
AT THAT TIME......
WAS TO JUST......
BE TREATED......
DECENTLY.....

JUST THAT.

NOT THE FKN STARS AND MOON OR ANYTHING CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!

JUST TO BE TREATED DECENTLY.

BY SOMEONE I TRUSTED.....
TO JUST TREAT ME DECENTLY.

THAT WAS WHY I REACHED OUT TO HIM.
INITIALLY.

AFTER SCHOOL.

BECAUSE I THOUGHT:
HE WAS A DECENT DUDE!

THOUGHT A FEW DUDES WERE DECENT! RIGHT?
TRUSTED! RIGHT?

LIKE WHEN MY EX AND I BROKE UP....
I THOUGHT.... ABOUT MIRROR SMASHER....

I HAD FORGOTTEN THAT HE HAD TREATED ME HORRIBLY.
HE FKN DID!

AND THEN..... HE DID AGAIN!

UNTIL I BECAME UNWILLING TO FKN DEAL WITH HIM!
BECAUSE WHY WOULD I ANYMORE?

JUST BECAUSE I THINK A DUDE IS XYZ......
DOESN'T MEAN HE ACTUALLY IS!

IF THE DUDES I THOUGHT WERE DECENT....
WERE DECENT DUDES......

THEY WOULD HAVE JUST BEEN FKN DECENT!

AND THAT'S ALL THEY HAD TO BE TO ME!

JUST THAT! RIGHT?

BUT? WHAT HAPPENED?

WHY WOULDN'T I BE DISAPPOINTED?
WOULDN'T YOU?

I'M SAD, YEAH, BUT IT'S NOT LIKE IT WAS UP TO ME!

IT WAS UP TO THEM TO CHOOSE TO JUST....
BE FKN DECENT!

RIGHT?

So..... In high school.... 
Yeah, I was curious. That's why I thought about HIM.
I WANTED TO GET TO KNOW HIM BETTER.

WANTED HIM TO JUST BE DECENT TO ME...
LIKE I THOUGHT OF HIM.... AS A DECENT GUY.

HOW WAS BEING DISCARDED FOR 12 YEARS SUPPOSED TO FEEL?
GOOD? GREAT?

AND 12 YEARS LATER YOU DON'T GAF HOW THAT FELT?
AND HOW EVERYTHING THAT LED UP TO IT FELT?
HOW FKN DISLOYAL THAT WAS?

AND YOU WANT ME TO TRUST?
AGAIN?
12 YEARS LATER?

12 years...... I was 12 years old......
When I won that CD that he "BORROWED" from me....

WHEN WE WERE 16. I WAS 16.

DRUM AND BASS.

COULDN'T EVEN GIVE MY CD BACK LOL!

BUT.... WHAT HAPPENED?
DIDN'T LISTEN.

SHOULD I BE SURPRISED? I WAS! VERY!
MAYBE THAT'S WHY IT FEELS THE WAY IT DOES!

Could Only Hope

Most of the people who watch me can't reach me.

Certain things I just won't entertain anymore.
I did, and what happened?

Because of (this) I decided (this).

BECAUSE I HAD A RIGHT TO DECIDE....
AFTER EXPERIENCING A BUNCH OF BS.

LIKE I HAD A RIGHT TO MOVE ON....
WITHOUT ANY BS.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BS.....
HAD I DISCARDED SOMEONE.....
AND THOUGHT.....
I COULD JUST COME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I CAN FORGIVE PEOPLE.....
BUT.... I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH THE EXACT SAME SH*T!

ALREADY DID THAT SH*T!

DIDN'T DESERVE THAT SH*T THEN, 
SURE AS HELL DON'T NOW.

SO WHY FKN TRY ME?
JUST TO TRY ME?!

TRY! SEE HOW FAR IT GETS!

BEFORE I FKN REMIND YOU....
BECAUSE I HAVE TO.... I GUESS...

I had to remind someone WHO DISCARDED ME....
THAT THEY DISCARDED ME!

Need me to remind you again?
Didn't feel like doing it. Really didn't.

Why should I have to remind people
HOW THEY FKN TREATED ME!

WHY DO THEY WANT ME TO FORGET THAT?

WANTED TO JUST DISTRACT ME WITH BS...
WANTED TO TRY TO WASTE MY TIME....

BECAUSE I ALREADY TRIED TO TALK TO HIM! RIGHT?
HOW DID THAT GO? GOOD? GREAT?
GOT SOMEWHERE?

PROBABLY ANOTHER: "I MISS OUR TALKS...."
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

NOT THE SAME AS MISSING ME.... RIGHT?

"I'M SORRY YOU FEEL I TREATED YOU HORRIBLY...."
ISN'T THE SAME AS:

"I'M SORRY I TREATED YOU HORRIBLY."

WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE BS.....

MORE "I LEARNED FK ALL BY FKING YOU OVER."
"I'M JUST TRYING TO FK YOU OVER SOME MORE."
"I'M JUST BACK BECAUSE YOU'RE DOING WELL."
"I'M JUST TRYING TO GET SOMETHING FROM YOU."

THERE'S BEEN NO "CLAIM" ON ME.
I AM FREE TO BE AROUND WHOEVER I WANT TO BE AROUND.
WAKING UP TO THE FACT: "A***'S SINGLE!"

YEAH, BUT MAYBE EVERYONE CAN FK OFF.

ATTENTION WHOORES CAN GET ALL THE ATTENTION THEY WANTED!
RIGHT? FROM WHOEVER, NOT ME. NOT MINE.

I DON'T HAVE TO BE AROUND EVERYONE....
OR JUST ANYONE....

AND NOT ALL ATTENTION IS THE SAME.

"OH SH*T! A*** DOESN'T WANT TO DATE ME NOW!"
NO SH*T! HOW DID YOU TREAT ME WHEN I WAS INTERESTED?

IN EVEN GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER?

HOW DID THEY TREAT ME?

LIKE I MATTERED TO THEM?
LIKE THEY CARED ABOUT ME?
LIKE THEY WANTED TO BE WITH ME?

NO?

AND WHEN IT COMES TIME TO REALLY TALK ABOUT THAT....

NOT BRUSH IT UNDER THE RUG.....

REALLY FKN TALK ABOUT IT.....

HOW DO THEY ACT?

HOW?

WANTED ME TO ACT LIKE THEY MATTERED!
WANTED ME TO TREAT THEM LIKE I CARED!
WANTED ME TO ACT LIKE I WANTED TO BE WITH THEM!

RIGHT?

NEVER: "YOU HAVE A POINT, A***!"
FKN RIGHT I DO!

"PUNISHING ME"
"A***, I'M GOING TO BLOCK YOU FOR 12 YEARS!"
"BECAUSE YOU WERE XYZ...." 
"REALLY? OR WAS I TELLING THE TRUTH YOU DIDN'T LIKE?"

"I'LL BLOCK YOU BECAUSE YOUR FEELINGS NEVER MATTERED!"
"I'LL BLOCK YOU BECAUSE YOU NEVER MATTERED!"

THEN TRY TO ACT LIKE I NEVER DISCARDED YOU!

NEVER EMOTIONALLY ABUSED YOU!

HE DID!

NOW THAT I'M EMOTIONALLY SECURE
AND NEVER FKN CHASED HIM.....
NEVER FKN DID ANYTHING TO HIM... 

NEVER EVEN WANTED VERY MUCH FROM HIM... 

NOT TO BE EMOTIONALLY ABUSED.... MAYBE THAT?

I'm getting over it again. 
I THOUGHT I ONLY HAD TO GET OVER THIS BS ONCE....

SINCE I ALREADY DID IT ONCE, I CAN DO IT AGAIN.

It took a while! I probably wrote about it all back then!
12 years ago!!!!

Had to process this sh*t already!

Could have just left me alone, like I LEFT HIM ALONE!
RIGHT?

HE WANTED THAT!
DIDN'T WANT TO LISTEN!
DIDN'T WANT TO GAF!

NOW.... WHY SHOULD I?

He could have! Right? Could have?

DID I HAVE TO WAIT 12 YEARS FOR THAT?
AND DID HE FKN LISTEN?
NO?

BECAUSE IT WAS STILL MY FAULT?
FOR REACTING TO BS?

IT'S THAT I'M SO STRONG PEOPLE ARE FKN AFRAID!
THEY BECOME FKN COWARDS!

THEY THINK I WILL HURT THEM!
LIKE THEY DO TO ME!

BUT THEY DON'T REALIZE:
I NEVER FKN HAD TO!

I COULD, YES!
FK YES!

I COULD. I MANY WAYS. IF I WANTED TO.

BUT DO I?

OR DO I LET PEOPLE FKN LIVE WITHOUT ME?
BECAUSE I FKN CAN!

THEY GET SCARED BECAUSE THEY KNOW:
I'M TELLING THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!

AND THEY CAN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT THEY FKN SHOULD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE THEY WOULD BE WASTING MY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WITH MORE BS!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY KNOW THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND I HAVE NOT BEEN DOING ANYTHING TO HIM!

CALLING HIM OUT, YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FK YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHAME THE BS!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHAME IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO MAYBE PEOPLE WILL BE ASHAMED OF BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MAYBE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

COULD ONLY HOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Smear It All You Want To

It was emotional abuse to try to make me think....
THAT IT WAS ME EXPRESSING MY FEELINGS
THAT WAS THE PROBLEM.

NO. IT NEVER WAS.

DOING THAT SH*T WAS THE PROBLEM.

I'M NOT GOING TO BE SORRY
FOR SH*T THAT WASN'T MY FAULT.

AND GO AHEAD AND SMEAR MY NAME.....
AFTER NOT WANTING TO GO BACK TO THAT SH*T.

AFTER REFUSING TO JUST FKN ACT RIGHT.

BE AS MAD AS YOU WANT ABOUT THAT.

NOTHING WOULD HAVE CHANGED!
IT DIDN'T!

COULD WE TALK?
ABOUT HOW I FELT?

NO? 

ABOUT WHY I WAS P*SSED OFF?
NO?

IF HE WANTED ME TO FEEL "NOT GOOD ENOUGH," FINE.
IF THAT'S WHAT HE WANTED, WHY WOULD I GO BACK TO THAT?

DID HE TREAT ME LIKE I WAS "GOOD ENOUGH"? NO.

I COULDN'T EVEN SAY HOW I FKN FELT!!!!!!!! FFS!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE DID NOT GAF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO WHY TELL HIM SOME MORE?

WOULD IT MAKE A DIFFERENCE? NO!

I THOUGHT: IF HE FKN UNDERSTOOD, HE'D STOP THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE'D STOP HIS SH*T.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT, BUT HE DIDN'T.

BECAUSE HE TRIED HIS SH*T AGAIN, RIGHT?
TRIED TO BLAME ME FOR HIS SH*T.

I WASN'T DOING THE THINGS HE DID!
I WASN'T SAYING THE THINGS HE DID!
I WASN'T TREATING HIM THE WAY HE TREATED ME!

I CAN'T UNSEE THE BS. I SAW IT.

TO TREAT SOMEONE LIKE YOU DO NOT GAF
IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY WOULD I LET HIM EMOTIONALLY ABUSE ME AGAIN?
ALREADY FKN DID THAT SH*T.

HOW DID THAT FEEL? GREAT? FK THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DODGE.TF.OUTTA.THAT.

MISS ME WITH THAT SH*T.
GOT ME THE FIRST TIME. SHAME ON YOU.
IT'D BE SHAME ON ME, THE NEXT TIME, RIGHT?

SEE WHAT YOUR LIFE IS WITHOUT A***?!
YEAH? TOO BAD!

BUT.... YOU..... CHOSE...... THAT...... RIGHT?

IT BUGS ME.... MINDING MY OWN FKN BUSINESS....
AFTER 12 FKN YEARS.... 

LIKE WHAT?!

I'M THE TOXIC ONE?
WHAT WAS I DOING? I WAS MINDING MY OWN FKN BUSINESS!

WHY COME BACK TO ME "I MADE A MISTAKE"
IF I WAS THE TOXIC ONE? WTF?

Would have stayed tf away.... RIGHT?
IF TELLING HIM HOW I FELT ABOUT HIS BS
WAS EVER THE PROBLEM.

THE PROBLEM WAS FKN ACCOUNTABILITY.
THAT'S WHAT IT WAS.

AND WOULD STILL BE.

APPARENTLY.

Drives me fkn crazy, this sh*t.

HE WANTED TO PLAY FKN GAMES, FOUND OUT!
FOUND OUT WHAT IT'S BEEN LIKE
WITHOUT ME FOR 12 YEARS!

AND WHAT IT WILL BE LIKE!
WITHOUT ME!

Didn't appreciate me.... WHEN YOU HAD ME.
SO WHAT TF DO YOU EXPECT?

FOR ME TO WANT TO "JUMP YOUR BONES"?
BECAUSE I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN 12 YEARS?

FOR ME TO FORGET HOW YOU TREATED ME?

FOR ME TO BE STUPID ENOUGH TO FALL FOR
THE SAME SH*T TWICE?

FOR ME TO LET YOU LOVEBOMB ME....
DIRECTLY AFTER TRYING TO FKN GASLIGHT ME, AGAIN?
PRETTY INSULTING!

FK NO! 

I EVEN GIVE YOU THE CHANCE NOT TO DO THAT SH*T....
AND WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THAT CHANCE?

WHEN YOU DISREGARD SOMEONE'S FEELINGS....
WHEN THEY EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS TO YOU.....
AND THEIR REACTION TO YOUR SH*T.......
IS "THE PROBLEM" ALL THE FKN TIME......

MAYBE "THE PROBLEM"
IS NOT FKN LISTENING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MAKING SOMEONE FIGHT TO BE HEARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DISMISSING THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DISCARDING THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FOR JUST FEELING HOW THEY FEEL
ABOUT BEING TREATED LIKE SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FK!!!!!!!!!!!! IS THAT ALL I DID???????????????? YEAH??????????
JUST THAT?????????????

I WAS SO DAMN "TOXIC" FK!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I STOOD MYSELF UP, RIGHT?

Yes, I'm getting it out... Just that.

I actually don't gaf about where I stand with anyone.

I USED TO!
I USED TO TRY TO BE UNDERSTOOD!
BUT..... WHAT HAPPENED?

HE DID THAT D*CK THING THAT MIRROR SMASHER DID!
"A***, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE FEELINGS!
YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE UPSET ABOUT ANYTHING!
WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY ABOUT ME BEING COLD TO YOU.....
"YOU'RE JUST DRUNK" ETC......

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY WITH MY BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FK NO!!!!!!!!!!

Just fkn unfair that I was just fine and then fkr comes back.....
AFTER FKN DISCARDING ME ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY THE FK EVEN DO THAT SH*T?

I DIDN'T EVEN DESERVE TO FKN MOVE ON?
WTF?! I LET HIM MOVE ON! DID I NOT?

DID I DO ANYTHING TO HIM AFTER HE BOUNCED? NO?

I LET HIM BOUNCE? YEAH?

I GOT OVER HIM? YEAH?

EVEN TRIED DATING AND RARELY THOUGHT ABOUT HIM?

AND WHEN I DID...... I REMEMBERED...... BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UNFAIR BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOULD IT BE FAIR OF ME TO BE DISCARDING HIM......
THEN TRY TO POP BACK UP? "JUST SAYING HELLO"

AFTER HE MOVED ON?

BUT IT WASN'T JUST SAYING HELLO!

IT WASN'T BECAUSE: "I'M SORRY FOR TREATING YOU LIKE SH*T."

HE CLAIMED HE DIDN'T REMEMBER HOW HE TREATED ME!!!!!

REMEMBERS HIS BS EXCUSES FOR DISCARDING ME, THOUGH. RIGHT?

IT'D JUST BE EMOTIONAL ABUSE.

WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE EMOTIONALLY ABUSED 
AND THEN FKN BLAMED FOR IT?

INFURIATING!!!!!!!! FK THAT!

All of that has got me not wanting anything with anyone!
BECAUSE IT'S BEEN A WASTE OF MY TIME!

I HAVE OTHER THINGS TO DO!

I PREFER BEING ALONE, MOSTLY, ANYWAY.
SO TRYING TO "ISOLATE" ME BY GHOSTING ME....
IS ONLY FORFEITING THEIR PLACE IN MY LIFE.

JUST THAT.

HOW PEOPLE TREAT ME TELLS ME WHO GETS TO STAY.
AND WHO GETS TO FK OFF.

AND IF YOU'VE ALREADY SHOWN ME THINGS....
YOU ALREADY DID THAT.

Guarded

My closure is.... Just living. That's it.
I got that from myself.

I didn't have to "overthink it"
AND TRY TO SEEK HIM OUT
FOR THE CLOSURE HE WASN'T GOING TO GIVE ME.

YOU THINK HE'S THE ONLY ONE?
WHO PLAYED THOSE GAMES?
NO.

WHY WOULD I SEEK
ANYONE WHO'D JUST PLAY GAMES?

FOR MORE BS?
NO THANKS.

Things had enough time to CHANGE.
ACTUALLY CHANGE.
BUT NOTHING DID.
NOT EVEN AFTER 12 YEARS.
SAME SH*T.

Other people had the chance to appreciate me, too.
BUT DID THEY?

WHEN I WAS RIGHT THERE? NO?

BUT.... WHEN THEY GET KARMA
FOR FKING ME AROUND.....

THEN THEY WANT TO BE LIKE:
"I WANT TO TALK."

YOU COULD HAVE! RIGHT?

That's what's aggravating. THAT.

NOT THAT HE DIDN'T WANT ME.
I CAN DEAL WITH THAT.

IT WAS..... DON'T FKN STRING ME ALONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DON'T DO THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DO NOT FKN TRIANGULATE ME!
DON'T DO THAT!

DON'T PUT ME IN A COMPETITION
I DON'T FKN KNOW I'M IN!

BECAUSE IF YOU DO THAT.....
CHOOSE THE OTHER FKN PERSON!

BECAUSE IT WASN'T ABOUT BEING WITH ME.
RIGHT?

OR? WHAT?
COULD HAVE PLAYED HIS CARDS RIGHT.
THE FIRST TIME AROUND.
AND STILL HAD MY LOYALTY AND RESPECT.

AND THEY GET ANGRY.... AT ME....
FOR NOT SEEING THEM THE SAME?

CAN I? REALISTICALLY?

WHAT WAS THE PLAN?

"A***, WILL YOU BE MY EXIT PLAN?"
WHAT?! WHY?

MAYBE IT'S NICE IN A WAY THEY REGRET A FEW THINGS....
BUT WHERE IS IT ACTUALLY COMING FROM?

NOT OUT OF CONSIDERATION FOR ME.....

OR I WOULD HAVE HAD THAT CONSIDERATION
12 YEARS AGO.

WHEN I WANTED IT.

NOT "I FORGET HOW I TREATED YOU, I WANT YOU TO, TOO."

NO. KNEW EXACTLY WHAT THEY WERE DOING....
BECAUSE THEY CHOSE TO DO IT.

IT'S THAT SIMPLE.

NO PRETENDING IT WAS ANYTHING ELSE.

IF YOU ARE EVER: "FK YOU, A***."
THEN FK YOU, TOO!

NOT PLEASE LIKE ME TOO!
NO!!!!! FK YOU, TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT.... IF YOU'RE IN DENIAL ABOUT ME.....
STAY IN IT! BE IN IT.

ESPECIALLY AFTER 12 YEARS! WTF?

WHY TRY TO TREAT ME LIKE A FKN BACKUP PLAN?
EXIT PLAN?

DIDN'T I DO THE "HEALTHY THING"?
I GOT IT OUT OF MY SYSTEM A LONG TIME AGO....
MOVED ON WITH MY LIFE....
ONLY THOUGHT OF HIM HERE AND THERE....
DIDN'T LOOK HIM UP.
DIDN'T GO INTO HIS DAD'S STORE.
STAYED TF AWAY FROM HIM....

OBVIOUSLY,
I WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE HIM AFTER THAT, ANYWAY.

WHY WOULD I?
HE WASN'T LOYAL.
NOT HONEST.

HE'S NOT GOING TO "MAGICALLY" BE ANY BETTER TO ME!
IT'D BE FAKE LOVEBOMBING!
WITH FAKE APOLOGIES.
MORE GAMES.

THAT'S ALL IT WOULD BE.

HE HASN'T EVEN FKN THOUGHT ABOUT IT!
I HAVE!

HE'S MAGICALLY READY TO LISTEN? FK NO!!!!!!!!!!
TO "UNDERSTAND"? FK NO!!!!!!!!!!

DIDN'T WANT TO! RIGHT?

SO WHY WOULD I WASTE MORE TIME?
WOULD I WANT TO?

AND WHAT IF IT WASN'T EVEN HIM?
WHAT IF IT WAS SOMEONE STALKING HIM?
WANTING TO KNOW IF THEY COMPLETELY FKD IT?
BETWEEN HIM AND I?

LIKE WHAT HAPPENED WITH MIRROR SMASHER....

THAT WAS.... SPECIAL!

AND IF ALL THIS HAPPENED BECAUSE HE BELIEVED BS ABOUT ME.....
HE BELIEVED IT!

IF HE KNEW ME, HE WOULDN'T HAVE BELIEVED IT!

HE WOULD HAVE KNEW IT WAS BS!

I WASN'T EVER THINKING:
I WONDER WHEN HE'S COMING BACK!
I WONDER IF HE'S SORRY!
I WONDER IF HE EVER CARED!

I STOPPED TRYING. STOPPED CARING.
STOPPED TRYING.
JUST STOPPED.

THEN I WROTE ABOUT IT..... TO GET IT OUT....
OF MY SYSTEM....

BECAUSE I JUST WANTED.....
TO JUST...... HAVE...... BASIC CONSIDERATION.....

BUT I SURE DID NOT WANT TO TRY TO DATE AGAIN.

WHEN MY EX CAME AROUND, HE WANTED TO BE WITH ME.
IT WAS MORE BECAUSE HE WANTED WHAT HE WANTED.

NEVER UNDERSTOOD ME EITHER.
REFUSED TO LISTEN, TOO.

ASSAULTED ME.

BROKE MY TRUST.

AFTER THAT, I DID TRY....
BUT HOW DID THAT GO?

VERY MUCH THE SAME?

I HAVE TRIED TO RECONNECT WITH PEOPLE
I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST.

TURNS OUT.... I COULDN'T TRUST THEM! RIGHT?

WHAT'S JUSTICE FOR ME? TO FKN BREATHE AGAIN.
TO JUST BE MYSELF.

TO JUST FKN FEEL BETTER.

NOT DEALING WITH FKN LIARS.
OR BS, NOT ONE MORE FKN MOMENT OF BS.
FK THAT.

I DID THE HEALTHY THING BY JUST MOVING ON.
GETTING OVER THIS.
BUILDING MYSELF BACK UP,
OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO KEEP DOING IT, 
BUT.... YET.... I HAVE TO KEEP DOING IT!

MYSELF!

DO I HAVE ANYONE BUILDING ME BACK UP?
DO I HAVE PEOPLE I CAN TRUST 100%? A FEW....

BUT IT'S MY JOB TO BUILD ME.
AND MY LIFE.

WITH OR WITHOUT ANYONE IN IT.
REGARDLESS OF EVERYONE.

BEEN MY JOB. NOT ANYONE ELSE'S.
BEEN TRYING THE BEST I CAN.
TO TRY TO LEAVE IT WHERE HE LEFT IT.

BECAUSE WHATEVER HAPPENED......
I DO NOT NEED TO CARE HOW IT TURNS OUT.

IT ALREADY ENDED FOR ME.
I ALREADY HAD TO ACCEPT IT.

I ALREADY HAD TO LIVE WITHOUT HIM IN MY LIFE.
FOR 12 FKN YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RIGHT?
SINCE I WANTED SO MUCH FROM HIM?
THAT I LEFT HIM ALONE?

I TOLD HIM WHAT I WANTED:

1) UNDERSTANDING
2) TO BE TREATED LIKE HE CARED

SHOULD I HAVE WANTED ANYTHING MORE THAN THAT?
FROM FKN ANYONE?

ANYTHING?

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO WANT?
WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO HAVE FKN WANTED?

JUST THAT. BUT..... DID I GET THAT?

WHAT DID I GET INSTEAD? WHAT?

ANYTHING BUT THAT?

LIKE ALL THE LIES "MADE ENOUGH SENSE TO BE TRUE...."

"AND I NEVER ASKED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"A***, SOMEONE SAID THIS.... IS THIS TRUE?"
WHY WOULD THEY QUESTION THAT?

THEY JUMP ON IT! RIGHT!?
WHETHER OR NOT IT'S TRUE!
THEY JUST EAT IT UP!

YOU THINK THAT SH*T WASN'T DONE TO ME?
SINCE THE FKN START OF TIME?

"DON'T PLAY WITH HER.... SHE'S XYZ!"

AM I?

DID I PLAY THOSE GAMES, THOUGH?
DID I EVER HAVE TO?

DID I EVER WANT TO?

IF I WAS ABOUT MANIPULATING ANYONE.....
I WOULD HAVE DONE THE EXACT SAME THINGS.....
PEOPLE DID TO ME!

I WOULD HAVE WANTED WHATEVER TF I THOUGHT
I WOULD GET OUT OF DOING ANY OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UNDERSTAND?

I WOULD HAVE PLAYED THE EXACT GAMES!!!!!!!
TO WIN WHATEVER TF I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO WIN!!!!!!!!

BUT WANTING SOMEONE TO GROW TF UP!
ISN'T MANIPULATION!
EXPRESSING MYSELF ISN'T MANIPULATION!

BUT ALL OF IT WAS TO TRY TO DIM ME.
BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO TRY TO BREAK ME.

THEY HATE THAT THEY CAN'T.

THEY TRIED FKN EVERYTHING.

SURE, IT WAS INFURIATING.
SURE, IT WAS FKN DISAPPOINTING.

BUT I CAN FKN DISAPPOINT THEM TOO!

BY NOT "SUFFERING" THE WAY THEY WANTED ME TO.

OTHERWISE, THEY WOULDN'T HAVE TRIED ME.

BUT WHEN YOU TRY SOMEONE....
WHO HASN'T DONE ANYTHING TO YOU.... 

YOU GET WHAT YOU GET FOR DOING IT.

DID I SEE IT COMING FROM PEOPLE I TRUSTED? 
FK NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU CANNOT TELL ME.....
SOMEONE WHO TREATED ME.....
LIKE THEY DO NOT GAF.......
SUDDENLY AND MAGICALLY DOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO WHY WOULD I TRUST THAT!!!!!!!!!!

I WOULD BE CRAZY TO TRUST THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO FORGIVENESS WITHOUT ACCOUNTABILITY! NONE!

"LET'S WITH A***'S LOVE LIFE, TOO...."
BUT ANYONE WHO WANTED TO BELIEVE THE LIES.......
ISN'T FOR ME!!!!!!!! 

THEY CLEARED THEMSELVES OUT.
THAT'S IT.

SHOULD I NOT BE OKAY WITH PEOPLE CLEARING THEMSELVES OUT?

DOES IT SUCK WHEN THEY DO THAT? YEAH.

DOES IT SUCK ABOUT THE REASONS THEY DO THAT? YEAH.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M USED TO IT BY NOW!
BECAUSE PEOPLE CAN'T JUST LIVE THEIR OWN LIFE!

IF THEY COULD, MORE THAN HALF THE SH*T I HAD TO DEAL WITH....
WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN A DAMN THING!

I'D HAVE GOTTEN THE VERY BASIC THINGS I HAD WANTED ALL ALONG!

JUST THAT!

IF EVERYONE HAD STAYED OUT OF MY BUSINESS. RIGHT?

LIKE I STAYED OUT OF THEIRS?

BUT HOES BE TRIPPIN'.....

BUT ALSO...... DON'T INTENTIONALLY FK SOMETHING UP....
AND THEN TRY TO COME BACK TO ME....
TO TRY TO DO MORE FKN DAMAGE.

I'M NOT HERE TO "HEAL HEARTBREAK" I DIDN'T CAUSE.


DO YOU KNOW HOW FKD IT IS HEARING A DUDE WHO HURT ME
CRY TO ME ABOUT HOW SOMEONE ELSE HURT THEM?

"COULD HAVE AVOIDED THAT." BUT NO.

LIKE HOW MANY DID HE HAVE IN ROTATION?
TO TRY TO COME BACK TO ME 12 YEARS LATER?

TRIED TO GO BACK TO OTHER GIRLS TOO?
NOT JUST ME?

PROBABLY!

IT'S NOT RANDOM WHEN PEOPLE STOP TRUSTING!

BUT "EVERYTHING" IS WRONG WITH ME....
YET I'M NOT THE ONE PLAYING GAMES.

"THE GAMES WORKED ON HER FOR A BIT, 
MAYBE SHE'LL FALL FOR MY BS AGAIN."

"DID A*** REALLY LEARN HER LESSONS FROM ME?" FK YES!
"IS A*** DESPERATE FOR MY APPROVAL?" FK NO!

YOU DISCARDED ME, DUDE! YOU DID THAT SH*T!
COMING BACK AND TRYING TO TRIGGER ME
IS MANIPULATION....

I don't need to be manipulated by anyone.

A***'s been single for a while? YEAH!
BUT WHY? 

DISAPPOINTED!
PUT MYSELF FIRST!

NOW THAT HE PROBABLY P*SSED SOMEONE ELSE OFF....
"A***, HOW ARE YOU?"

YOU KNOW YOU DON'T GAF ABOUT HOW I'VE BEEN!

Anyway, I just needed to get this sh*t out.

I thought it was all out... A long time ago....
I really did.

NO, I'M NOT STUPID ENOUGH TO BE ALL LIKE:

"HERE'S MY HEART ALL OVER AGAIN."

What Wasn't Realized

"I'll contact A*** like nothing happened....
JUST TO TRY TO DRAW HER BACK IN ALL OVER AGAIN....
TO SEE IF SHE STILL WANTS ME..."

"TO TREAT HER LIKE SH*T ALL OVER AGAIN...."

WHY DIDN'T HE REALIZE....
THAT SH*T ENDED 12 YEARS AGO?

WHEN HE DISCAREDED ME?

That's what I want to know.

But.... He knew what he was doing the whole time.
PLAYING GAMES.

PLAYERS DO THAT SH*T.

"YOU WERE XYZ...."
A SECRET FLING.
THAT WASN'T GOING TO BE ANYTHING.

STRUNG ALONG AND DISCARDED.

AND "LOOK! A***'S OVER ME!
LET'S TRY TO FK WITH HER FEELINGS AGAIN!"

COULD HAVE LEFT ME ALONE.... RIGHT?

COULD HAVE!

ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAD NO REAL INTENTIONS!
RIGHT!?

IF I HAD NO REAL INTENTIONS.....
I WOULDN'T HAVE TRIED TO RECONNECT WITH HIM!

ONLY FOR WHAT?

SO THEN? I'D STAY? I'D RETURN?
I'D CARE LIKE I USED TO?

WHEN I CARE, I CARE!

BUT WHEN SOMEONE DOESN'T SEE WHAT THEY HAD IN ME....
WHY BE THERE?

MAYBE THEY MIGHT SEE IT YEARS LATER....
BUT WHY YEARS LATER?

"SHE DIDN'T ACTUALLY NEED ME?"
FK NO.

I WANTED YOU FKR, BUT DIDN'T NEED YOU.

BUT I DON'T WANT BS. OBVIOUSLY.

AND I DO NOT HAVE TO HAVE IT IN MY LIFE, PERIOD.

WHY WOULD I WANT THAT SH*T?

Been Sad

I had to get over being DISCARDED by that dude....
THEN I QUIT DRINKING.
THEN MY GRANDMOTHER DIED....

ALL THAT YEAR.

THAT WAS A LOT.

I swear Mirror Smasher wanted me to RELAPSE.

THEN "ENOUGH TIME HAS PASSED...."
HAS IT?

BECAUSE I WAS JUST LIVING MY LIFE!

"I'M DONE TRYING TO REPLACE YOU, NOW!"
"COULDN'T FIND ANYONE BETTER...."

KEEP LOOKING. THERE'S SOMEONE FOR YOU....
JUST LIKE YOU THOUGHT.....
NOT ME....

BECAUSE I WAS THERE.

WAS. THERE. WAS.

AND WHEN I WAS.....

WHERE DID IT GO? ANYWHERE?

COULD I EVEN TALK?
ABOUT HOW I FELT? NO?

IF I COULDN'T, NO POINT.

AND HE GAVE ME THE WAY OUT.
HE FORFEITED. 

JUST THAT.

BY MAKING THAT CHOICE....
HE FORFEITED.

TRIED TO TREAT ME BAD...
TO TRY TO AFFECT MY SELF-ESTEEM.

YES, AT FIRST, IT DID....

WASN'T SURE WHY HE'D EVEN DO THAT SH*T.

BUT..... THAT..... K*LLED MY ABILITY TO SEE HIM....
THE WAY I USED TO SEE HIM.

JUST WANTED TO TRY TO HURT ME AGAIN.
THAT'S ALL HE WANTED.

ONCE WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH?

"A***'S DOING WELL.
LET'S TRY TO BREAK HER."

FK THAT.

"LET'S SET HER BACK A DECADE!"

WOULD I DO THAT?
WOULD I WANT TO?

FK NO.

THERE'S NOTHING TO GET OUT OF THAT SH*T.

NOTHING!

BUT WHY..... DO PEOPLE COME BACK.....
WHEN KARMA KICKS THEIR @SS?

WHY DOES IT TAKE THAT?

WHY DOES IT TAKE ME TO STOP
FKN "AUDITIONING" FOR "APPROVAL"?

MY LIFE IS THE "ARGUMENT"
TO THEIR FKN "ASSUMPTIONS"
ABOUT ME OR WHO THEY THOUGHT I WAS.

I'D RATHER LET PEOPLE UNDERESTIMATE ME
THAN PUMP UP THEIR EXPECTATIONS.

I'D RATHER LET THEM THINK WHATEVER TF
THEY WERE GOING TO THINK ABOUT ME.

THAN SHOW THEM ANYTHING ABOUT ME
THAT I COULD KEEP FOR MYSELF.

BECAUSE FK THEM.

NOTHING TO PROVE TO HIM OR ANYONE ELSE.

I COULD HAVE PROVED IT, 
BUT HIM TRYING TO FORCE ME TO....
BY TRYING TO BREADCRUMB ME....

I HAD A LOW PROFILE FOR A REASON.
STILL DO. FOR THE SAME REASON.

NOT BECAUSE I NEED ONE.

I COULD GO HIGHER THAN THIS.

BUT IT'S NOT THAT I CARE ABOUT BEING SEEN
JUST TO BE SEEN.

OTHERWISE.... I WOULDN'T BE....
WRITING ANONYMOUSLY.

Whether they OVERLOOK ME, OR UNDERESTIMATE ME....
THEY CHOSE TO DO THAT.

BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT TO LOOK.
OR SEE ANYTHING.

THEY JUST THOUGHT THEY "KNEW" ME.....
DID THEY? FK NO.

THEY CAN KEEP THAT "ENERGY" THOUGH.

BECAUSE NOW THAT I'M DOING THINGS....
I HAVE SH*T TO DO!

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR FAKE "APOLOGIES"
FROM PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT THEY FKN KNEW ME.

WHO TRIED TO BREAK ME BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT THEY COULD.

"I CHANGED MY MIND, A***." 
SO HAVE I!

I LET PEOPLE LOOK DOWN ON ME.... 
IF THEY CAN'T SEE ANYTHING ABOUT ME....
THERE ARE OTHER THINGS THEY CAN'T SEE.

DIDN'T WANT ME TO HAVE MY DIGNITY, EVEN.
I REMEMBER THAT SH*T.

ANYONE WOULD BE P*SSED OFF.

"A***'S A CATCH NOW...."
MAYBE I WAS SOMETHING YOU NEVER FKN SAW!
AND MAYBE BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T SEE ME....
THAT I WAS REAL.....
YOU DIDN'T REALIZE THAT I WAS....
THE WHOLE TIME!

BUT I DON'T WANT SOMEONE
WHO ONLY SEES ME 12 YEARS LATER!
FK THAT! I WAS RIGHT THERE!
FK THAT!!!!!!!!!!!! FK IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'VE EARNED THE RIGHT TO SAY:
FK THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO..... FK THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT DO I BELONG WITH ANYONE
WHO WOULD OVERLOOK ME?

FK NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OR SOMEONE WHO SEES ME THE FIRST TIME?

BECAUSE THEY COULD.

BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO.

BECAUSE THEY JUST DO!

BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TO "PERFORM" FOR THEM.
FOR THEM TO UNDERSTAND WHO I AM.
FOR THEM TO TREAT ME WELL.
THE WAY I DESERVED TO BE TREATED FROM THE START!!!!!!!!!!!!

I DON'T NEED TO "GLOAT" OR WHATEVER. 
I CAN STILL "RISE."

DAILY.

I DON'T HAVE TO DRILL IT HOME TO ANYONE...
ABOUT WHO I EVER WAS.... 

THEY COULD HAVE SEEN ME, BUT DIDN'T.
THAT WAS THE POINT.

I'M OKAY WITH THAT.

DID IT USE TO BE FKN PAINFUL? YEAH?
UNFAIR? YEAH?

FKN SAD? YEAH?

BUT IF I WAS THE "PROBLEM"
WHY TRY TO COME BACK 12 YEARS AFTER DISCARDING ME?
MAYBE BECAUSE I WASN'T?

"I MADE A MISTAKE."

YES, MANY, BUT.....
WAS I GOING TO FORCE YOU TO SEE ANYTHING?
OR WAS I GOING TO JUST LIVE MY LIFE?

BUILD MY OWN STABILITY?
WHILE MOST PEOPLE TRIED TO TRIGGER TF OUT OF ME?
JUST TO SEE WHAT I'D DO?
IF I GOT P*SSED OFF ENOUGH?

TO "DO SOMETHING."

"SHE'S TOXIC! SHE'LL ACT CRAZY!"

DID I?

OR DID I FKN DEMONSTRATE SOMETHING?