A Long Time Ago

A long time ago.... One of the things I had wanted...
Was to get married.

Just to be loved enough to be married.
Just that.

I look back at the dudes I dated who I thought I'd marry.

Well.... Let's start with Mirror Smasher....
I thought he was the one I'd marry.
When I was four years old....

The father of my son.... I thought I'd marry.
I'm glad I didn't. 

1) There was no expansion in that relationship
2) It turns out I couldn't trust him

Would I have been "happy" had we gotten married?
Or would that have been emotionally abusive too?

There were things I needed to learn AFTER THAT ENDED.
FROM OTHER EXPERIENCES.

And about myself. 

I needed to gain some new perspectives...
To be able to see some things I wasn't seeing. 

Hard to see some things when you're right in it.

Like this:

When you're drunk... Other drunk people seem normal. 
When you're sober... Drunk people seem drunk.

It's like that with a lot of other things.

I get a heavy feeling that people are "spying" on me now....
It feels weird... I thought they "got on" with their life, like I did.

Why wouldn't I think that? I did! Right?

Did he try to come back because there was something "planned"?
Like.... Did someone else "send him"?

I have a feeling that it was more than just him.

It wasn't just Mirror Smasher. I know that for a fact!

HE WAS USED TO GET TO ME, TOO.
WHETHER HE KNOWS IT, OR NOT.

I DGAF IF HE DOES OR NOT. I KNOW.

Should I care who realizes what or never does?

OR SHOULD I CARE ABOUT WHAT I REALIZE?

I can only do something with what I realize!
NOT WITH SOMETHING SOMEONE ELSE REFUSES TO REALIZE!
RIGHT?

Can I do anything with that? Or nothing?

Can I honestly do ANYTHING with something someone....
REFUSES TO REALIZE?

Could they do anything with something I refused to realize? No?

THERE WAS A TIME I WAS LIKE THAT!
I REFUSED TO REALIZE CERTAIN THINGS!
I WAS STUBBORN TOO!

IMAGINE THAT!

MAYBE THAT'S WHY IT TOOK SO LONG?
FOR ME TO REALIZE SOME THINGS... 

THAT I COULD HAVE REALIZED....
WHEN I WAS REFUSING TO REALIZE IT.

RIGHT?

And maybe THAT'S WHAT I WAS TRYING TO TELL PEOPLE
WHO WERE REFUSING TO REALIZE CERTAIN THINGS!

HMMM!

But why would they LISTEN TO SOMEONE AS "TOXIC"
AS I AM?

OR "VOLATILE"? 

BUT THEY DEFINED ME WITH THEIR BS.... 
AND TREATED ME LIKE SH*T BECAUSE OF IT.... 

AND I DECIDED.... NOPE.

NOT DOING THAT SH*T.
BECAUSE I DID THAT SH*T ALREADY.

Maybe I had to do that sh*t to realize some things about that sh*t.

Carrying anything one-sided.... Would be exhausting. 

I heard that I get strung along because of my energy.
They try to keep me around for the wrong reasons.
AND DON'T KNOW HOW TO TREAT ME.

AND EXPECT ME TO ACCEPT BEING TREATED....
ANY TYPE OF WAY.

FK NO.

THAT ISN'T A "MISTAKE."
THAT'S AN EXPECTATION.

Someone who acted like he didn't gaf... 
Suddenly coming back... Smells funny.

Right?

Could have tried to set me up or something.
I hope not, but I don't know anymore. 

I never did, honestly. Isn't that scary?
Isn't that enough to want to leave that alone?

Knowing there were more people involved is enough.

Do I have to know exactly who said exactly what?
To know that it was BS?

And to know what resulted from it?

Weird to be watched after being discarded, though.

Didn't see that coming, either.

Didn't see this BS coming, but it did.

But I think it was to recognize it FASTER.

SO THAT I DEAL WITH LESS AND LESS OF IT.
UNTIL I DON'T.

Should I care when dudes make bad investments?
OR TRY TO WAIT ME OUT?

WAIT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AFTER WALKING AWAY!
FOR ME TO RETURN!

BECAUSE YOU.... WALKED.... AWAY. ALREADY.

So should I return? Nope! I shouldn't.
GAVE THEM WHAT THEY WANTED.

SO THEY CAN'T BE MAD AT ME FOR THAT!