As Long As I Did

There are a couple of things right off the bat...

1) You can't build a life around trying to get someone to admit something
2) You can't heal by waiting for someone to understand

Like, 12 years passed between him discarding me and trying to return.
In that time, he just said he realized he made a mistake.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT HE FINALLY UNDERSTOOD
ANYTHING I EVER SAID TO HIM.

OR MAGICALLY STARTED TO CARE ABOUT ME.

He hasn't! That doesn't happen!

It's funny about that logic:

Someone walks away.... I accept it....
I don't chase or wait...
I don't emotionally reserve myself for them in case they change their mind...

And they want to be surprised that the door isn't open?

TEST THE LIMITS, YOU'LL SEE THEM.
TEST MINE, YOU'LL SEE MINE.

AND WHY TRY TO RETURN WHEN YOU'RE NOT READY?

THEY THOUGHT THAT I WOULD TRY AGAIN....
BECAUSE I WAS THE ONE TRYING!

12 YEARS FROM NOW? 
WHO KNOWS!

WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
WE'LL SEE WHAT KIND OF BS POPS UP.

I won't try to predict it, though.
I couldn't predict this... 

I was surprised, though. Very.

About what happened....

Didn't think it would.

Did I think Mirror Smasher would be a d*ck, either? No.

Did I think certain people were the way they were? No.

DID I THINK THEY'D EXPECT ME TO ACCEPT CERTAIN THINGS? NO.

I DIDN'T THINK THINGS WOULD GO LIKE THAT.
IF I DID.... I WOULD NOT HAVE WASTED MY TIME.

I WOULD HAVE AVOIDED IT ALL.

ESPECIALLY THE FALSE HOPE.
AND THE PAIN.

LIKE THEY HELD ANYTHING I FELT AGAINST ME.
WHY DO THAT?

It's me who romanticized the potential I thought was there.
That was me doing that.

But I don't have to do that.
I have the facts of what I was shown.

If I ever have to question where I stand with anyone...
I'd rather be alone. 

He wanted me to chase him. I won't.
Why would I chase someone who pushes me away?

"I'll always have leverage because she wanted to be with me."
WANTED TO.

DON'T ANYMORE.

IS THERE SOMETHING TO WANT TO BE WITH?

CAN'T EVEN COMMUNICATE.
CAN'T SHOW UP.
CAN'T TELL THE TRUTH.

HE COULD, BUT DIDN'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED.
SO I DIDN'T BOTHER HIM FOR 12 YEARS.

I DON'T TRUST SOMEONE WHO'D DISCARD ME...
JUST TO RETURN 12 YEARS LATER...

LIKE THEY NEVER FKN DID THAT SH*T.
OR ANYTHING ELSE!

WASTED THE TIME BEFORE HE GHOSTED ME.
WASTED THE TIME AFTER HE GHOSTED ME.

WASTED HIS CHANCE TO TALK TO ME.

Wouldn't reflect on anything. 

But I really think there was some sort of influence, too. 

Not that it really matters now. I had to retreat.

Someone who "had to" get in between.

But he wanted what he wanted. Did what he did.
For whatever reasons or excuses.

At the beginning, I thought we wanted THE SAME THINGS.
I think that's why I had some hope, but it was false hope, I guess.

Maybe I do it to myself for having hope at all... 

BUT I WASN'T PLAYING GAMES.
I WANTED WHAT I WANTED, AT THAT TIME.

WHATEVER IT ENDED UP BEING... 

IT'S NOT FOR ME.
TOO IN MY HEAD, NOW.

How can I trust someone who can't see anything about me?

I get how people who are around game players....
GET GOOD AT PLAYING GAMES.

BUT NOT EVERYONE ACTUALLY WANTS TO PLAY GAMES.
AND ISN'T TRYING TO.

Maybe getting played with caused him to play with me....
But... HE NEVER HAD TO PLAY WITH ME.

When someone thinks they'll be cheated on etc... They do it first.

If someone thinks someone else will hurt them, 
THEY HURT THEM FIRST.

I'LL LEAVE YOU BEFORE YOU LEAVE ME.

AND IF I COULD HAVE LEFT A LONG TIME AGO?
AND DIDN'T? KEPT TRYING?

BUT THE HARDER I TRIED, THE MORE THEY THOUGHT
THAT I WOULD KEEP TRYING.

INSTEAD OF JUST SEEING HOW HARD I WAS TRYING AND WHY.

BUT WHY TRY TO CONVINCE ANYONE OF ANYTHING
THEY REFUSE TO SEE... ?

I'D BE DOING THAT THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY DO THAT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?
THAT WOULD BE MAKING LIFE HARDER FOR MYSELF.

HE'D DO THE SAME SH*T TO THE NEXT PERSON, TOO.
IF HE'D DO THIS SH*T TO ME.

BECAUSE I DIDN'T EVEN FKN DO ANYTHING TO THE GUY!
WHY WOULD I HAVE?

BUT COULD HE HAVE TREATED ME BETTER? FK YES!

LOOK HOW I TREATED MYSELF FOR STAYING AS LONG AS I DID!