Grieving What I Wanted

I think what it really is.... It opened up an old wound.
Something I thought was healed... 

Because it wasn't being activated constantly...
Doesn't mean that it wasn't still there, I guess. 

Underneath that....
I had to address that.

Within myself.

He was a catalyst in some ways...
But.... It's up to me to do the rest.

It was always up to me.

To know what I want and what I deserve...
AND WHAT I DON'T.

It goes to show that COMMUNICATION AND MATURITY
IS FKN IMPORTANT AF TO ME....

ACCOUNTABILITY IS IMPORTANT TO ME.

IF HE HAD ANYTHING TO HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE FOR....
I'D FKN EXPECT HIM TO!

I SHOULDN'T ACT ALL SURPRISED....
AND TRY TO ACT LIKE I DID FK ALL....
IF I DID DO SOMETHING, RIGHT?

OR BLAME SOMEONE ELSE
TO TRY TO JUSTIFY IT.

THAT'S IMMATURE SH*T.

I USED TO DO THAT SH*T, HONESTLY.
I BLAMED OTHER PEOPLE....
FOR SH*T I DID.

MAYBE I DID THAT BECAUSE I'D BEEN BLAMED FOR SH*T
THAT WASN'T MY FAULT.

A LEARNED BEHAVIOR.
DOESN'T EXCUSE IT OR JUSTIFY IT.
IT'S BS NOT TO BE LIKE:
"YES, I DID THAT SH*T. IT'S ON ME."

Would it be fair of me to do a bunch of sh*t and be like:
I DID THIS BECAUSE YOU WERE XYZ?

OR: I DID XYZ AND THAT WAS MY CHOICE. ???

Like... A conversation I had about when I was a teen....
My mom did something.... THAT AFFECTED ME....

AND SHE BLAMED SOMEONE ELSE.
FOR DOING IT.

The truth is that SHE SIGNED HER RIGHTS TO ME AWAY.

HER RIGHTS WERE NOT TAKEN FROM HER.
SHE SIGNED THEM AWAY.

MINE WERE TAKEN FROM ME.
I DIDN'T SIGN THEM AWAY.

SHE DID.

SHE ACTED LIKE IT WAS THEIR FAULT.
TO GET SYMPATHY ABOUT IT.

BUT IT WAS HER CHOICE.

And even after that.....
I still connect with her from time to time....

BUT THINGS CHANGED.

THINGS WEREN'T EVER.... GOLDEN. 

I WAS AN "ACCIDENT."
I WAS PROBABLY "GOT DRUNK AT A PARTY."

YEAH, I WANTED TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER.
BUT I HAD TO HAVE WHAT SHE WAS ON.

SHE IS WHERE SHE IS.
SHE'S BEEN WHERE SHE HAS BEEN.

I HAD TO SEE THAT TO REALIZE....
THAT ALTHOUGH THINGS COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER....
THEY WERE THE WAY THEY WERE...
AND ARE THE WAY THEY ARE.

JUST THAT.

I DON'T HAVE TO WANT WHAT I USED TO, EITHER.

I CAN MOURN WHAT I WANTED.
THE STABILITY I WANTED, THERE.

I CAN MOURN EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED. OKAY?
AND AFTER THAT.... I WILL HAVE ALREADY GRIEVED IT.

THEN WHAT? WOULD WANTING IT BE THE SAME? NO?

WOULD I EVEN WANT IT ANYMORE? NO?

WOULD I EVEN BE THE SAME PERSON?

AFTER GRIEVING IT?

PROBABLY NOT!

RIGHT?

That's what most people don't understand. 

Because when I grieve something, it changes things.
And changes me.

That's to be expected. Right?

Like if someone already grieved me....
THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT. 
RIGHT?

I'D HAVE TO EXPECT THAT.