Could Only Hope

Most of the people who watch me can't reach me.

Certain things I just won't entertain anymore.
I did, and what happened?

Because of (this) I decided (this).

BECAUSE I HAD A RIGHT TO DECIDE....
AFTER EXPERIENCING A BUNCH OF BS.

LIKE I HAD A RIGHT TO MOVE ON....
WITHOUT ANY BS.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BS.....
HAD I DISCARDED SOMEONE.....
AND THOUGHT.....
I COULD JUST COME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I CAN FORGIVE PEOPLE.....
BUT.... I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH THE EXACT SAME SH*T!

ALREADY DID THAT SH*T!

DIDN'T DESERVE THAT SH*T THEN, 
SURE AS HELL DON'T NOW.

SO WHY FKN TRY ME?
JUST TO TRY ME?!

TRY! SEE HOW FAR IT GETS!

BEFORE I FKN REMIND YOU....
BECAUSE I HAVE TO.... I GUESS...

I had to remind someone WHO DISCARDED ME....
THAT THEY DISCARDED ME!

Need me to remind you again?
Didn't feel like doing it. Really didn't.

Why should I have to remind people
HOW THEY FKN TREATED ME!

WHY DO THEY WANT ME TO FORGET THAT?

WANTED TO JUST DISTRACT ME WITH BS...
WANTED TO TRY TO WASTE MY TIME....

BECAUSE I ALREADY TRIED TO TALK TO HIM! RIGHT?
HOW DID THAT GO? GOOD? GREAT?
GOT SOMEWHERE?

PROBABLY ANOTHER: "I MISS OUR TALKS...."
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

NOT THE SAME AS MISSING ME.... RIGHT?

"I'M SORRY YOU FEEL I TREATED YOU HORRIBLY...."
ISN'T THE SAME AS:

"I'M SORRY I TREATED YOU HORRIBLY."

WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE BS.....

MORE "I LEARNED FK ALL BY FKING YOU OVER."
"I'M JUST TRYING TO FK YOU OVER SOME MORE."
"I'M JUST BACK BECAUSE YOU'RE DOING WELL."
"I'M JUST TRYING TO GET SOMETHING FROM YOU."

THERE'S BEEN NO "CLAIM" ON ME.
I AM FREE TO BE AROUND WHOEVER I WANT TO BE AROUND.
WAKING UP TO THE FACT: "A***'S SINGLE!"

YEAH, BUT MAYBE EVERYONE CAN FK OFF.

ATTENTION WHOORES CAN GET ALL THE ATTENTION THEY WANTED!
RIGHT? FROM WHOEVER, NOT ME. NOT MINE.

I DON'T HAVE TO BE AROUND EVERYONE....
OR JUST ANYONE....

AND NOT ALL ATTENTION IS THE SAME.

"OH SH*T! A*** DOESN'T WANT TO DATE ME NOW!"
NO SH*T! HOW DID YOU TREAT ME WHEN I WAS INTERESTED?

IN EVEN GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER?

HOW DID THEY TREAT ME?

LIKE I MATTERED TO THEM?
LIKE THEY CARED ABOUT ME?
LIKE THEY WANTED TO BE WITH ME?

NO?

AND WHEN IT COMES TIME TO REALLY TALK ABOUT THAT....

NOT BRUSH IT UNDER THE RUG.....

REALLY FKN TALK ABOUT IT.....

HOW DO THEY ACT?

HOW?

WANTED ME TO ACT LIKE THEY MATTERED!
WANTED ME TO TREAT THEM LIKE I CARED!
WANTED ME TO ACT LIKE I WANTED TO BE WITH THEM!

RIGHT?

NEVER: "YOU HAVE A POINT, A***!"
FKN RIGHT I DO!

"PUNISHING ME"
"A***, I'M GOING TO BLOCK YOU FOR 12 YEARS!"
"BECAUSE YOU WERE XYZ...." 
"REALLY? OR WAS I TELLING THE TRUTH YOU DIDN'T LIKE?"

"I'LL BLOCK YOU BECAUSE YOUR FEELINGS NEVER MATTERED!"
"I'LL BLOCK YOU BECAUSE YOU NEVER MATTERED!"

THEN TRY TO ACT LIKE I NEVER DISCARDED YOU!

NEVER EMOTIONALLY ABUSED YOU!

HE DID!

NOW THAT I'M EMOTIONALLY SECURE
AND NEVER FKN CHASED HIM.....
NEVER FKN DID ANYTHING TO HIM... 

NEVER EVEN WANTED VERY MUCH FROM HIM... 

NOT TO BE EMOTIONALLY ABUSED.... MAYBE THAT?

I'm getting over it again. 
I THOUGHT I ONLY HAD TO GET OVER THIS BS ONCE....

SINCE I ALREADY DID IT ONCE, I CAN DO IT AGAIN.

It took a while! I probably wrote about it all back then!
12 years ago!!!!

Had to process this sh*t already!

Could have just left me alone, like I LEFT HIM ALONE!
RIGHT?

HE WANTED THAT!
DIDN'T WANT TO LISTEN!
DIDN'T WANT TO GAF!

NOW.... WHY SHOULD I?

He could have! Right? Could have?

DID I HAVE TO WAIT 12 YEARS FOR THAT?
AND DID HE FKN LISTEN?
NO?

BECAUSE IT WAS STILL MY FAULT?
FOR REACTING TO BS?

IT'S THAT I'M SO STRONG PEOPLE ARE FKN AFRAID!
THEY BECOME FKN COWARDS!

THEY THINK I WILL HURT THEM!
LIKE THEY DO TO ME!

BUT THEY DON'T REALIZE:
I NEVER FKN HAD TO!

I COULD, YES!
FK YES!

I COULD. I MANY WAYS. IF I WANTED TO.

BUT DO I?

OR DO I LET PEOPLE FKN LIVE WITHOUT ME?
BECAUSE I FKN CAN!

THEY GET SCARED BECAUSE THEY KNOW:
I'M TELLING THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!

AND THEY CAN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT THEY FKN SHOULD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE THEY WOULD BE WASTING MY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WITH MORE BS!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY KNOW THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND I HAVE NOT BEEN DOING ANYTHING TO HIM!

CALLING HIM OUT, YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FK YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHAME THE BS!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHAME IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO MAYBE PEOPLE WILL BE ASHAMED OF BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MAYBE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

COULD ONLY HOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!