About Confidence

I used to be extremely insecure.
Sure, most of us have insecurities.
Whether we admit it or not. Right? We do.

When we are young, we don't know
VERY MUCH ABOUT VERY MUCH.

RIGHT?

One thing that is EASY:
TO MAKE ASSUMPTIONS.

WE ARE TAUGHT THAT...
BY PEOPLE WHO DO THAT.

WHETHER THEY REALIZE THEY ARE TEACHING US THAT....
OR NOT.
WHETHER WE REALIZE WE ARE LEARNING THAT....
OR NOT.

RIGHT?

KIND OF HOW.... READERS CAN TEACH YOU TO READ
BY DOING IT BECAUSE
THEY KNOW HOW TO DO IT.

READERS WHO READ....
READ INTO THAT AS YOU WILL.

DIFFERENT TYPES OF READERS.
READING LITERATURE....
IS ONE MEDIUM.

WE LEARN TO "READ THE ROOM"
SOME DO.

BECAUSE WE CAN FEEL TENSION IN THE AIR.
RIGHT?

USUALLY?

IF WE CAN FEEL TENSION IN THE AIR...
AND KNOW IT IS TENSION...

WE CAN FEEL OTHER THINGS IN THE AIR
AND KNOW WHAT THEY ARE...

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

IT'S LIKE STATIC. ELECTRICITY.
ENERGY.

IN THE AIR.

SOUND.... AIR.... WATER.

THINK.... WAVE-LENGTHS.....
BEND.... AT.... CERTAIN.... ANGLES.

THINK.... WAVES.... 

THINK... SURFING...

THINK... CATCHING A WAVE.....
AND RIDING IT...

METAPHORICALLY.

TO BALANCE ENOUGH TO RIDE IT...
THERE'S A SPECIFIC ANGLE.

THAT WILL KEEP YOU
ON THAT WAVE.

TILT.... THE "BOARD."
TILT... THE "PRISM"
TILT... THE METAPHOR....

METAPHORICALLY.

EVEN ALLEGORICALLY
IF YOU WANT TO GET FANCY LOL.

BUT... THERE ARE WAYS LIKE THESE.
TO LOOK AT THINGS.

AND HOW YOU LOOK AT SOMETHING (ANYTHING)
DETERMINES? WHAT YOU WILL SEE?!

LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY...
I USED TO LOOK AT THINGS....
THE WAY I WAS USED TO DOING IT.

OKAY? I DID. THAT. FOR A LONG TIME.
I ADMIT THAT.
AND THAT WAS ON ME.

NOBODY SAID TO ME:
"A***, YOU MUST ALWAYS LOOK AT EVERYTHING
JUST LIKE THIS!"

OR:

"A***, YOU MUST LOOK AT THINGS EXACTLY AS I DO!"

OR: 

"A***, YOU MUST ONLY LOOK AT EVERYTHING ONE WAY."

IT WAS INSINUATED. YES.
INGRAINED BECAUSE IT WAS INSINUATED.

THINGS ARE EASY TO INSINUATE.
IT COULD EVEN BE BELIEVED
THAT I INSINUATE THINGS.

IT HAS BEEN BELIEVED THAT BEFORE.

ABOUT A POLITICAL POST I HAD MADE.
THAT SUPPOSEDLY WAS INSINUATING
THAT I "BELIEVED" XYZ.

AND THAT I SUPPOSEDLY "KNEW"
THAT JUST BY POSTING IT...
IT WOULD "INSINUATE" OR "SUGGEST" XYZ.

THAT'S HOW FAR THIS ASSUMPTION WENT.

I WAS AMAZED BY THIS.

I WASN'T AWARE THAT PEOPLE THOUGHT
THAT I "INSINUATED" ANYTHING.

I WASN'T AWARE OF WHAT THEY THOUGHT
THAT I "INSINUATED."

BECAUSE I DIDN'T REALLY THINK ALONG THOSE LINES.

I'D RATHER KNOW WHAT SOMEONE MEANS BY SOMETHING
THAT THEY CHOOSE TO DO....

THAN ASSUME I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS... 

PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ALL THE CONTEXT
OF ALL THINGS
YET THINK THEY KNOW
ALL THINGS
ABOUT ALL THINGS.

AND SOME PEOPLE ARE AWARE
THAT THERE ARE THINGS
THAT THEY DON'T KNOW.

SO IF THEY DON'T KNOW...
WHY JUST COME TO A CONCLUSION
WHEN THAT CONCLUSION
COULD BE FALSE?

METAPHORICALLY SPEAKING....

SOMEONE SAID TO ME...
"YOU DON'T KNOW VERY MUCH ABOUT XYZ!"

LIKE I WOULD "DEFEND" MY KNOWLEDGE 
OR SOMETHING.

OR FEEL OFFENDED AND "REACT."

IT WAS TO GET ME TO FIGHT ABOUT SOMETHING
I WASN'T GOING TO FIGHT ABOUT.

SO I SAID, "I'M AWARE OF WHAT I DON'T KNOW."

CAN THEY ARGUE WITH THAT? NO?

THEY WANT YOU TO "DISPUTE" SOMETHING.
TO TRY TO SAY YOU "CAUSED" THE DISPUTE.
OVER XYZ.

I'VE SEEN THIS SH*T.

PEOPLE HAVE ACTUALLY USED THIS SH*T AGAINST ME.

I DON'T HAVE TO "KNOW" EVERYTHING
TO BE CONFIDENT ABOUT THE THINGS THAT I "DO" KNOW.

AND SOME OF MY KNOWLEDGE ISN'T COMMON.
THAT'S ALL.

IF IT WAS... OTHER PEOPLE WOULD THINK ABOUT IT, TOO.
BUT.... A LOT OF PEOPLE SEEM TO BE STUCK
WHERE I WAS. AT THOSE TIMES.
THAT I WAS STUCK THERE.

AND JUST BECAUSE I GOT TO A POINT THAT I WASN'T AT BEFORE...
DOESN'T MEAN I HAVEN'T GONE BACKWARDS
AT SOME TIMES.

FAMILIAR PATTERNS. 
ARE EASIER.

THAN NEW ONES.

LIKE LEARNING TO PAINT.
WE CAN EVEN PAINT A MASTERPIECE WITH OUR FINGERS
IF WE WANTED TO... 

IT WOULD DEPEND ON OUR OWN TALENT. RIGHT?

NOT WHAT WE PAINT WITH.

PAINTING IS AN ART, BUT IT IS AN APPLICATION. 
AS WELL AS A TOPIC... 

A PRESENTATION.... A REPRESENTATION.

METAPHORICALLY SPEAKING...

ARTISTRY AS AN EXAMPLE...
AS YOUR SKILLS DEVELOP...
SO DOES YOUR CONFIDENCE IN THE SKILL.

EVERY ART.

BUT.....? NOT JUST ART.

ART.... IS THE WHAT? METAPHOR! 
THE? PRISM.

MEDIUM.

THINKING.... IS AN ART.
CONSIDER.... CONSIDERATION.... AN ART!!!!!!!

WE TEND TO THINK OF ART.... MOSTLY AS.... VISUAL! COOL!
PHYSICAL! COOL! 

SURE! VISUAL PHYSICAL ART IS COOL!
IT IS!

BUT? THAT ISN'T THE ONLY ART THAT EXISTS!

THINK OF THE THINKERS WHO WERE GENIUSES...
WITHOUT WHOM WE WOULDN'T HAVE CERTAIN THINGS....
HAD THEY NOT THOUGHT ABOUT THOSE THINGS?

NOT CALLING MYSELF A "GENIUS."
I WOULD NEVER!

ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT I THINK ABOUT THINGS.
IN NEW WAYS NOW.

That is all. 

Does everyone have to be a LEONARDO
OR A REMBRANDT
TO....
THINK ABOUT THINGS
IN NEW WAYS?

NO? THEY DON'T? 

THEY DON'T! 

IMAGINE!

THAT IS WHY SOME TACTICS
DO NOT WORK ON ME.

BECAUSE I SEE THEM.
AND I HAVE MANY WAYS...
OF LOOKING AT THOSE.
AND OTHER THINGS.

"A***'S NOT THE SAME!"
"I THOUGHT I KNEW HER!"

NOPE.

*TANTRUM* ABOUT A*** CHANGING!

"HOW IS A*** DOING WELL BY HERSELF?"
SHE BECAME? CONFIDENT.

IN THE THINGS THAT SHE KNOWS.

THAT NOT EVERYONE ELSE KNOWS.

BECAUSE IF THEY KNEW?
THEY WOULD THINK ABOUT IT, TOO?

WHEN YOU EVEN LOOK AT YOUR OWN CHOICES
DIFFERENTLY.... THAN YOU DID BEFORE....

YOU CAN MAKE NEW ONES.

AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO CHOOSE
WHAT THEY WANTED YOU TO...

THERE WAS A REASON THEY WANTED YOU TO!

AND I DON'T HAVE TO INSINUATE THAT.
OR ANYTHING.

FOR ANYTHING TO BE TRUE ABOUT ANYTHING.

Things can be TRUE OR FALSE
DESPITE ANYTHING ANYONE ASSUMES
THAT I "INSINUATE."

RIGHT?

IMAGINE!

SINCE THEY CAN BE TRUE OR FALSE
DESPITE THAT.
THE FACTS...
DON'T HAVE TO BE...
ANYTHING TO DO
WITH WHO PRESENTS THEM.

"THE MESSENGER."

I DO NOT LIKE BEING ONE.

BUT WHEN I MEET ANOTHER ONE...
I APPRECIATE IT.

BUT TRYING TO EXPLAIN SOME THINGS...
TO PEOPLE WHO ARE STUCK
THINKING THE WAY THEY DO
ISN'T SOMETHING
I'D LIKE TO WASTE MY TIME WITH.

BECAUSE IT DOESN'T TEND TO GO
HOW IT COULD GO

IF THEY WEREN'T.... STUCK... LIKE THAT.

IT DOES NOT SEEM TO GO FAR.
RIGHT?

IF ANYWHERE? NO?

SO THEN? 
WHY PUT MY TIME THERE?

WHEN YOU SEE SOME THINGS
THAT IT SEEMS OTHERS DO NOT KNOW YET...

BECAUSE IF THEY DID KNOW THOSE THINGS...
THEY WOULD ACT LIKE THEY DID KNOW THOSE THINGS...

IT IS FRUSTRATING, BUT YOU HAVE TO REALIZE...
THERE WAS A TIME
I COULD NOT SEE THOSE THINGS, EITHER.

UNTIL I DID! UNTIL I COULD! RIGHT?

PEOPLE WERE PROBABLY FRUSTRATED WITH ME TOO! RIGHT?

THAT I COULDN'T SEE XYZ YET! RIGHT?

BECAUSE I WAS STUCK! RIGHT?

YEAH? OKAY THEN.

WHEN PEOPLE USE TACTICS....
THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
WHEN THOSE TACTICS BACKFIRE.

BECAUSE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO WORK, IN THEORY.

THERE WAS A LIST I SAW OF SEVEN TACTICS...
THAT H1TL3R USED IN WW2.

TO ACHIEVE "POLITICAL POWER."

A FRIEND POSTED IT.

SO I SAID THAT IT'S A THEORY OF MINE
THAT TIME EXISTS IN AN ECHO CHAMBER.
THAT'S WHY WE HAVE ECHOES OF TIME.

THAT WE SEEM TO HAVE CENTENNIAL CYCLES.
EVERY 100 YEARS OR SO...

WE HAVE SOMETHING SIMILAR
TO WHAT WE HAD 100 YEARS BEFORE.

ICE STORMS HAPPENED IN THE PAST, TOO.

HOW FREQUENTLY, THOUGH?

GREAT WARS HAPPENED, TOO.
HOW FREQUENTLY, THOUGH?

LOTS OF OTHER THINGS, LIKE THIS.

LOTS OF EVENTS, CIRCUMSTANCES, ETC.

"RIPPLES OF TIME."
BUT MORE THAN THAT.

ECHO.

ECHOES FADE, THOUGH.

METAPHORICALLY... 

LOOK UP... THE "ECHO CHAMBER EFFECT."
LOOK UP THE KEY EFFECTS OF THAT EFFECT.

AFFECTED PEOPLE... MIGHT NOT...
REALIZE IT?

FIRST, THIS IS JUST A BLOG.
NOT AN ECHO CHAMBER.

I'M NOT HERE FOR "AGREEMENT."
NOBODY HAS TO AGREE WITH ME
JUST BECAUSE I WROTE ANYTHING. 

THAT'S NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.

JUST RANDOM STUFF. I RANT.
I REVEAL A FEW THINGS.

THINGS ON MY MIND.

THAT'S ABOUT IT.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO AGREE WITH HOW
OR WHAT I THINK.

I'M JUST SAYING THIS:

EVERYONE HAS THEIR WAY OF LOOKING AT SOMETHING.
WHETHER THEY ARE INFLUENCED BY IT OR NOT.

BUT JUST BECAUSE I THINK ABOUT SOMETHING
DOESN'T MEAN THAT I HAVE TO BELIEVE IT.

JUST BECAUSE I THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
DOES IT HAVE TO MEAN XYZ?

OR DOES IT JUST MEAN THAT I THOUGHT ABOUT IT?

MAYBE... I JUST... THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
CAN'T WE THINK ABOUT THINGS?

Everyone who can think.... Can think. Right?

Whether they do... or not... 
Has nothing to do with me.

So why should they look at ME as though it DOES?
DOES IT?

I HADN'T REALLY HAD A CHOICE
BUT TO BECOME THE WAY I BECAME...

BECAUSE: WHO DID I HAVE?

AND WHY WERE THEY NOT THERE?

I KNOW! 

BECAUSE NOT BEING THERE....

HAVING "NO SUPPORT"
WAS SUPPOSED TO...

MAKE THINGS "HARDER" FOR ME.

WHY DID THEY WANT THINGS TO BE HARDER FOR ME...
IF THEY DIDN'T NEED TO BE
AS HARD FOR ME
AS THEY ACTUALLY WERE?

WITHOUT "SUPPORT."

RIGHT?

SO DOES IT MATTER BEING "ALONE"?
NO?

WHAT HAS SOLITUDE GIVEN ME
THAT IT DIDN'T GIVE OTHERS
THAT HAD THE "SUPPORT"
I COULD HAVE HAD?

HMMM?

STRENGTH THAT THEY DON'T HAVE
TO NOT HAVE HAD
THAT.

My solitude becomes a solution.... 
When most people refuse to acknowledge
something that they did!

My crime? I WASN'T JUST LIKE THEM!
SO THEY TREATED ME LIKE THAT!

DID I HAVE TO BE... JUST LIKE THEM?

TO BE TREATED LIKE SOMEONE?
WHO COULD HAVE MATTERED!

BUT? WHAT ENDED UP HAPPENING?

WHY DID THEY PUT ME DOWN? HMMM?
BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH?

ENOUGH WHAT? MONEY?

WAS THAT SOMETHING I CARED ABOUT?
AT THAT TIME?

DO I DO THINGS ONLY FOR MONEY?

THEY WANTED TO TREAT ME WHICH WAY?
LIKE I WAS UNDERNEATH THEM?

FOR WHAT? BEING POOR?

THAT'S THE WAY THEY WANTED TO LOOK AT ME...
JUST FOR THAT.

I WAS LUCKY TO GET AWAY FROM THOSE I DID.
THEY REJECTED ME, THANKFULLY.

AND NOW MY HARVEST IS FOR ME.
RIGHT?

I WOULD HAVE SHARED
HAD THEY TREATED ME PROPERLY?

BUT? DID THEY DO THAT? NO?

IF THEY WANT THEIR LIVES WITHOUT ME IN IT. OKAY.
I DO NOT HAVE TO "ARGUE"
JUST "TO TALK"

WHEN I NEVER FKN ASKED FOR A FKN ARGUMENT!

DID I ASK TO FKN ARGUE?
DID I SAY: "LET'S ARGUE ABOUT XYZ"?

OR WAS I UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING
THAT I NEVER GET TO FKN EXPRESS?

UNTIL I GET SO FKN P*SSED
THAT THEY NOTICE
HOW P*SSED I AM ABOUT IT?

AND BY THAT TIME?
HOW DO THEY ACT?

AND WHEN THEY WANT "TO TALK"
I'M SUPPOSED TO "LISTEN" TO THEM.
RIGHT?

AND WHEN I DO THAT?

WHAT DO I GET FROM THEM?
EXCUSES?

WANT MY PATIENCE, LOYALTY, UNDERSTANDING ETC.

AND DON'T WANT TO BE FKN FAIR!

IS THAT FAIR?

BECAUSE "WINNING" A FKN ARGUMENT
MATTERED FKN MORE....

THAN WHAT I WAS SAYING!

WHAT WAS I SAYING????
"YOU ARE DISREGARDING ME."
"THIS IS NOT FAIR."
"I AM ANGRY ABOUT XYZ."
"CHOICES ARE INTENTIONAL."

OTHER THINGS LIKE THIS?

BUT? "WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"
IS THAT WHAT I GET?

IF THEY WERE SAYING THOSE EXACT SAME THINGS
TO ME......

WAS I SUPPOSED TO LISTEN? TO THEM?

AND IF I HAD SAID TO THEM:
"WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

WHAT WOULD THEY THINK ABOUT THAT?

WOULD THEY THINK:
THEY ACTUALLY CARE? NO?

"A*** GIVES A FK!"
IF YOU HEARD:
"WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"
FROM ME?
NO?

THEY GOT COMFORTABLE
WITH THE FACT
THAT I ACTUALLY
GAVE A FK
WHEN I GAVE A FK.

AND THOUGHT I ALWAYS WOULD.

SO WHY WOULD THEY LISTEN TO ME?
I'D "ALWAYS" BE THERE.

TO TREAT EXACTLY LIKE THAT?

IS THAT WHY I'M NOT THERE NOW?

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE...
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T GAF.
WHEN I DID.

THAT IS WHY.

IF WE BOTH GAF...
THINGS WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT?
YEAH?

OKAY, THEN.

WHEN SOMEONE HAS ACCESS TO THOSE THINGS
THEY DON'T SEE THEM.

THEY DON'T SEE ME ACTUALLY SHOWING UP.
SHOWING UP IS SUBSTANTIAL.
IN ITSELF.

I WAS VALUABLE.
EVEN WHEN PEOPLE OVERLOOKED ME.

WHERE I ONCE WAS.... THE THINGS THAT WOULD HAVE WORKED
WOULD HAVE WORKED!

I'M NOT THERE ANYMORE, THOUGH.

SO THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE THERE, BECAUSE I'M NOT.
NOT ANYMORE.

REQUIRES MORE THAN THAT.

AND ASSUMPTIONS ARE WHAT? ASSUMPTIONS!

ABOUT WHAT? MY SELF-WORTH?
WHY ASSUME ANYTHING ABOUT THAT?

IF I WASN'T OF IMPORTANCE....
TO CONSIDER SOME THINGS ABOUT ME...

UNTIL I WASN'T THERE ANYMORE....

BEING THERE... WASN'T GOING TO....
CHANGE THAT.

RIGHT?

THAT'S HOW I BECAME "CONFIDENT."
IN THE THINGS THAT I DO KNOW.
DESPITE THE THINGS I DON'T KNOW.

BECAUSE.... WHAT I DON'T KNOW...
COULD AFFECT ME IF I LET THAT.

AFFECT MY "SECURITY."

COULD.

I KNOW THIS. THAT IS WHY....
I HAD TO REDEVELOP MY INTERNAL SECURITY.
SO THAT A LOT OF THINGS
WOULD NOT FK WITH ME
IN THE WAYS THINGS USED TO FK WITH ME.

HARD TO EXPLAIN IT.
OR HOW I DID IT.

BUT THAT IS WHY I DID IT.

About Rejection

Rejection used to sting. It did.

Because I used to think:
If I am authentic and honest...
Things should just be organic.

"If I come from an honest place...
I shouldn't have these conflicts."

Stuff like this... I used to think.

But.... I wasn't counting on....
People to intentionally sabotage things
between us.

Wasn't counting on people to misjudge me...
Or to be taken for granted, constantly.

Or to be put through certain things.

Wasn't counting on any of that crap.

So? Did I factor any of that in?
INTO HOW I WAS MOVING?

NO! I DIDN'T.

A lot of things I didn't factor in:

1) Sometimes people refuse to understand things
2) Sometimes they can't understand some things
3) Sometimes they won't understand some things
4) Sometimes they don't want to understand some things
5) Sometimes they think you don't understand some things
6) Sometimes they think they can treat you like you don't understand some things....

MORE THINGS TO FACTOR IN....
TO HOW YOU OPERATE...

WITH THESE TYPES OF PEOPLE...
NO MATTER WHAT "RACE" THEY ARE.

PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE.
PEOPLE ARE?????

HUMANS.

HUMAN "RACE." OKAY? COOL.

SO? I WRITE ABOUT SOME THINGS....
THAT PEOPLE... CAN THINK..... ABOUT.

AND THESE ARE SOME OF THE THINGS
THAT I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT.

BECAUSE I HAD TO????
GIVE MYSELF THINGS TO THINK ABOUT.

OR???? I'D BE THINKING ABOUT???

THE THINGS I USED TO THINK ABOUT!

AND THOSE THINGS????
SURE, WORTH THINKING ABOUT....
IN SOME WAYS, 
BUT? NOT IN OTHER WAYS.

PRETTY MUCH THAT.

HOW COULD I THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS...
WHEN I WAS TOO BUSY THINKING ABOUT????

OTHER THINGS!!!!!!!!

YOU KNOW ONE THING PEOPLE TRY TO GET FROM ME?
PEACE OF MIND.

BUT? I'M NOT OBLIGATED TO GIVE THEM THAT.

THE MORE PEOPLE PLAY....
THE MORE THEY FIND OUT THAT THEY SHOULDN'T!

AND I DON'T HAVE TO TEACH THEM THAT.
"LIFE" CAN HUMBLE SOMEONE...
FAR BETTER....
THAN I COULD.

THAT'S WHY.... WHEN THEY TRY TO HUMBLE ME....
"LIFE" ALREADY HAS.
SO I KNOW WHAT IT CAN DO.
TO ANYONE.
AT ANY TIME.

ESPECIALLY... WHEN THEY DON'T FACTOR SOMETHING IN.
INTO THE "EQUATION."

AND? I CAN SUBTRACT... FROM THE EQUATION.
BECAUSE IT IS MUCH MY EQUATION
AS IT IS THEIRS.

BOTH STANDING AT THAT CHALKBOARD.
IN THE "CLASS OF LIFE."

LESSONS ON THE BOARD.
CHALK IN OUR HANDS.

IF I REACH THE SUM BEFORE YOU....
IT'S BECAUSE I HAD TO THINK FAST.

BECAUSE? TIME AND LIFE
DOESN'T WAIT FOR US.

CLASS IS ONLY SO LONG.
NOT A FULL DAY.

8 HOURS/ DAY.
AT LEAST IN CANADA IT IS.

AND WHAT ARE WE GIVEN IN THOSE 8 HOURS?
INFORMATION?

TO DO SOMETHING WITH? YEAH?

WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING WITH IT?
THINKING ABOUT IT!

DO THEY TELL US WHAT TO THINK ABOUT IT?
OR DO THEY JUST PRESENT IT TO US?

AND IF WE ARE TOLD WHAT TO THINK ABOUT IT?
WHY?

BECAUSE WE DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK ABOUT IT?
OR WHAT WE COULD THINK ABOUT IT?

SO THEN? DOES IT MATTER HOW IT IS PRESENTED?

TO BE MORE "USEFUL" AND "RETAINABLE"?

IT IS ATTAINABLE!

AND? SOME ADDITIONS WE CAN MAKE TO IT...
OURSELVES.... CAN WHAT????

CAN MAKE IT MORE USEFUL!

THAT IS THE POINT OF THINKING ABOUT IT!

BUT... THE THINGS I THINK ABOUT?
CAN I ARTICULATE THEM IN WAYS EVERYONE CAN
FULLY UNDERSTAND, ALL THE TIME?

NO!

I DON'T HAVE "THE PERFECT WAY"
TO ARTICULATE.... EVERYTHING... I THINK ABOUT.

I COULD.... ATTEMPT TO.... IN WRITING...
BUT HOW WELL.... DOES IT TRANSLATE? WELL?

BECAUSE? WHEN I TRY TO TELL PEOPLE SOME THINGS....
THEY ONLY TEND TO LOOK AT CERTAIN THINGS...
AND THE THINGS THEY LOOK AT...
HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH....
WHAT I WAS TRYING TO TELL THEM. 

"CAN'T SEE PAST THEIR NOSE."
EVER HEARD OF THAT TERM?

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS....
WHEN PEOPLE LOOK DOWN THEIR NOSES
AT PEOPLE.

HEARD THAT TERM, TOO?

SO THEN? IF THEY CAN'T LOOK PAST THEIR NOSES...
WHAT ARE THEY SEEING?

VERY NARROW SCOPE.
IF ANY SCOPE AT ALL. RIGHT?

HOW CAN THEY TRULY SEE SOMEONE
IF THEY ARE TOO BUSY....
LOOKING DOWN THEIR NOSE AT THEM?

THE KIND OF LIFE I'VE LIVED...
WAS LIKE CONSTANTLY BEING "BOYCOTTED."

EVEN BY FAMILY.

FOR WHAT? THAT'S WHAT I DIDN'T KNOW!

FOR A LONG TIME.... I THOUGHT I WANTED TO KNOW WHY....
LIKE ALL THEIR EXCUSES WERE SUPPOSED TO
"MAKE SENSE" TO ME
AND I WAS "SUPPOSED" TO....
JUST ACCEPT THOSE
OVER FACTS.

AND THEN..... I REALIZED.....
"DO I HAVE TO KNOW WHY TO XYZ?"

ACTUALLY, THAT WAS THROUGH A CONVO I HAD.
ABOUT SOMETHING SAD AND TRUE
ABOUT MY CHILDHOOD.

AND ABOUT A FALSE BELIEF I HAD
AS A CHILD.

AND HOW AN ADULT I TRUST IN MY LIFE...
DISCOVERED WHY I HAD THAT FALSE BELIEF.

BECAUSE OF HOW I WAS ACTING.

AND WHEN SHE EXPLAINED IT TO ME....
KNOWING WHY I THOUGHT THAT...
HELPED ME TO STOP...
ACTING LIKE THAT...

TOWARD HER.

I HAD TO LEARN THAT I HAD BAD CONDITIONING.
AND MY THOUGHTS AS A KID...
LED ME TO BELIEVE SOME THINGS
THAT WEREN'T TRUE.

THE EXAMPLE WAS.... THAT I LOVED HER AS A KID...
STILL DO.

I THOUGHT THAT SHOWING HER LOVE MEANT XYZ...
"THE WAY" I THOUGHT I WAS BEING SHOWN LOVE...

WHICH WASN'T LOVE AT ALL.

REJECTION IS ACTUALLY A TOOL.
TO REJECT PAST BELIEFS.

PAST BELIEFS THAT ARE FALSE.

THE WRONG THINGS WE WERE TAUGHT....
IN THE WRONG WAYS...
FOR THE WRONG REASONS...

COOL? WE CAN ACTUALLY REJECT THAT.
ALL OF IT.

AND THEN? WHAT DO WE DO?
WE ACCEPT THE FACTS.
LOOKING AT STUFF MORE SUBJECTIVELY....
THAN.... OBJECTIVELY.

BECAUSE? THERE ARE MANY........????
WAYS TO LOOK AT THINGS.

MANY! RIGHT?

NOT JUST???????
THE SAME WAY??????
THAT YOU ALWAYS HAVE????
AND GOT USED TO USING????
PRIMARILY?????

YEAH????

YES, I VENT SOMETIMES.
PROBABLY MORE OFTEN THAN I SHOULD.

LONGER THAN I SHOULD.

It seems to take a while to wrap something around my mind....
Especially something I don't feel good about
that isn't supposed to feel good...

Because I know how it feels, and it's not comfortable to "sit with."
So I can procrastinate thinking about it...
Because it's unpleasant.

But processing it through writing means that I am kind of "sitting with it"
IN A WAY....
I can read it later and relate to it in the way that only I can...
Because I was the one who experienced it.
And I know exactly how I felt and why.

Whether I articulate it as well as I would have liked to, or not....

And then I get to reconsider it in that moment.
And think about it from other perspectives I might have gained...
Since I wrote it.

Does that make sense?

I'm glad I'm writing about this today... Actually.
I'm in a decent mood.

THINK OF A PRISM. YOU KNOW THOSE THINGS?
THAT REFLECTS LIGHT?

THAT LIGHT IS USUALLY RAINBOWS...
BECAUSE IT IS REFRACTED LIGHT.

REFRACTED IS THE KEY TERM. 

1) What is the light composed of?
2) What is the definition of refracted?

3) WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THE PRISM?

4) As a METAPHOR.... WHY DO YOU THINK
THESE QUESTIONS MATTER?

5) WHAT ARE SOME THINGS YOU THINK
THAT YOU CAN DO WITH THESE ANSWERS?

That's just a START of some of the things I think about....
AND HOW I CHANGED THE WAY I THOUGHT.


1..... WHAT IS LIGHT COMPOSED OF? ENERGY!

2..... REFRACTED.... 

Refraction: THE BENDING.... OR CHANGING
OF DIRECTION....
OF A WAVE.

(LIGHT, SOUND, WATER).

WHEN???? WHEN IT PASSES!
FROM???? 
ONE MEDIUM....
TO ANOTHER!

HOW CAN INFO PASS?
AS ENERGY?

ENERGY CAN PASS THROUGH?
LIGHT, SOUND, AND WATER.

TO? ANOTHER?
MEDIUM.

BENDING OR CHANGING WHAT?
DIRECTION!

3...... THE PRISM....
ACTUALLY.... SEPARATES....
THE LIGHT....
INTO.....
SEPARATE WAVELENGTHS.

EACH WAVELENGTH... 
IS REPRESENTED....
BY ITS OWN.... COLOR....
OF THE RAINBOW.

BECAUSE? EACH COLOR...
BENDS.... AT?
DIFFERENT?
ANGLES!

SO THEN? AREN'T THERE?
DIFFERENT ANGLES?

YES?
IMPORTANT!

THE PRISM'S PURPOSE....
METAPHORICALLY... 

IS WHAT? THE PRISM REPRESENTS....?
BENDING LIGHT AT DIFFERENT ANGLES IS?
REPRESENTS WHAT?

THE POWER YOU HAVE TO WHAT?
CONSIDER! TO THINK ABOUT THINGS!

COOL?

4.... AS A METAPHOR.....
WHY DO THESE ANSWERS MATTER?

BECAUSE.... IT IS SOMETHING...
YOU CAN REFRACT.

WHAT I ALWAYS FOUND COOL ABOUT PRISMS....
THEY CAN PROJECT AND REFLECT....
AND REFRACT.

5....... I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT TO THINK
ABOUT WHAT YOU CAN DO WITH THESE ANSWERS.

BUT... YOU CAN.... THINK ABOUT IT. RIGHT?
JUST.... SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT.

THAT'S ALL ANY OF THIS IS.

BECAUSE.... I USED TO THINK ABOUT
A LOT OF THE SAME THINGS. FOR A LONG TIME.
AND EVEN STILL I OFTEN FORGET
THAT THERE ARE MANY MORE WAYS TO LOOK AT THINGS
THAN HOW I LOOKED AT THINGS
IN MY YOUTH.

THAT'S WHY.... I STILL GET TEMPTED
TO LOOK AT THINGS IN THE WAYS THAT I'VE BEEN USED TO
LOOKING AT THINGS.... FOR SO LONG.

IT IS EASY TO BE TEMPTED TO DO THAT. VERY.

COMBINED WITH THE TEMPTATION TO RUMINATE ON IT.

ANOTHER EASY TEMPTATION.

HARDER TO REMEMBER CERTAIN THINGS
THAT ACTUALLY HELP YOU TO LOOK AT THINGS
IN ANOTHER WAY.

EVEN WHEN YOU KNOW OF THESE CERTAIN THINGS
THAT ACTUALLY HELP YOU TO LOOK AT THINGS
IN ANOTHER WAY!

RIGHT?

WHAT ONE WINS MORE EASILY?
THE EASIER THING.

BUT? EASIER DOESN'T MEAN BETTER.

JUST MEANS? EASIER.

"REJECTION IS TO DIVIDE US."
A FRIEND TOLD ME THIS.

"ACCEPTANCE IS TO UNITE US."

IT'S NOT THAT I WANTED TO REJECT HIM.... AS A PERSON.
IT WAS NOT ABOUT HIM AS A PERSON.
IF IT WAS, I WOULDN'T HAVE DEALT WITH HIM LIKE THAT.

TO ME, THIS WAS NOT "PERSONAL."

BECAUSE... HE IS... WHO HE IS... AT HIS OWN?
WAVE-LENGTH.
WHATEVER "COLOR" OF ENERGY HE IS AT.

KIND OF LIKE HOW AND WHY WE HAVE AURAS.
I CAN'T SEE AURAS... SOME CAN.

MY SON USED TO. HE TOLD ME ABOUT THIS ONCE.
SO I ASKED HIM: "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS BEFORE?"
HE SAID: "I THOUGHT EVERYONE COULD SEE THEM."

ANYWAY....

IT WAS THAT I HAD TO REFRACT.
SOME THINGS.

SOMETIMES THAT IS WHAT I USE VENTING FOR.
FOR.... REFRACTION.

BECAUSE WE CAN LOOK AT THINGS.... FROM?
OTHER? ANGLES.

SNELL'S LAW. 
APPLIED.... METAPHORICALLY.
NOT.... MATHEMATICALLY.

MATH PRINCIPLES CAN BE USED IN OTHER WAYS.
NOT JUST MATHEMATICALLY....

METAPHORICALLY!

METAPHORICALLY SPEAKING....

SEE WHAT I DID THERE? 

ANYWAY.... I GOTTA GO BUY A LIGHTER....
BECAUSE MINE JUST DIED.

When People Get Tired...

When people get tired.... THEY REST.

THERE IS A TIME TO REST.
AND A TIME NOT TO.

WHILE YOU ARE RESTING...
YOU CAN DO SOME OTHER THINGS.

1) YOU HAVE.... THE ENERGY TO DO IT
2) YOU HAVE... THE SPACE TO DO IT.
3) AND THE REASONS TO DO IT.

THOSE THINGS.

I DON'T TALK ABOUT THOSE THINGS.

I MOSTLY JUST DO THOSE THINGS.
BECAUSE THOSE THINGS ARE THINGS
THAT I DO FOR MYSELF.

WHEN WE DO SOME THINGS... WE GET SOME THINGS.

AND IT ISN'T ABOUT THE GETTING....
IT'S ABOUT THE DOING.

THAT'S HOW TO GET THOSE THINGS.

THREE REASONS I DON'T TALK ABOUT IT....
1) STILL NEW TO DOING IT
2) NOT USED TO TALKING ABOUT IT
3) GETTING USED TO XYZ

COOL?

NOT THAT THEY ARE SECRET THINGS.

WOULD YOU WANT TO HEAR ABOUT
SOMEONE LEARNING TO USE
TRAINING WHEELS?

I DIDN'T THINK SO!

NOT EXACTLY INTERESTING.
NOT THAT VENTING'S ALL THAT INTERESTING, EITHER.

At least I got off a topic for a night? Yeah?

"A***'S LEARNING THINGS... AGAIN."

YEAH? SO CAN EVERYONE. ACTUALLY.

BUT? "WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

WELP, MAYBE I CAN'T EVEN ARTICULATE MYSELF
IN THE WAYS I WISH I COULD....

MAYBE.... WHAT I HAD TO SAY.....
MIGHT.... MAKE MORE SENSE.... IF I COULD. EH?

SO THEN? IF THEY CAN'T UNDERSTAND THAT?
WILL THEY UNDERSTAND THE THINGS THAT I CAN
ARTICULATE?

ONLY IF I ARTICULATE THOSE THINGS
IN A WAY THAT THEY UNDERSTAND.

THAT'S ALL.

A LONG TIME AGO.... I DATED SOMEONE....
WHO JUMPED INTO A RELATIONSHIP...
WITH SOMEONE...
AS SOON AS WE BROKE UP.

JUST TO TRY TO MAKE ME "JEALOUS."
BUT IT DIDN'T WORK.

BECAUSE I WASN'T.
BECAUSE I ALREADY SAW HOW HE ACTS.

I SAW THAT HE WAS TRYING TO EMOTIONALLY
MANIPULATE ME.... 
BY TRYING TO MAKE ME "JEALOUS."

I ALSO KNEW THAT HE LIES.
BECAUSE HE LIED TO ME.

I'LL TELL YOU THE STORY:

HUGE RED FLAG BTW.... READY?

HE SOMEHOW GOT INTO MY EMAILS...
WANTED TO CONFRONT ME ABOUT A VERY OLD EMAIL
FROM SOMEONE I KNEW BEFORE I MET MY EX.

BUT? HE DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO!

BECAUSE? HE INVADED MY PRIVACY!

SO? HE MADE UP A STORY...
THAT HE WAS GETTING EMAILS FROM THE DUDE
THAT I LIKE WENT ON ONE DATE WITH...
WHO I WASN'T EVEN IN CONTACT WITH ANY MORE...

AT FIRST I BELIEVED HIM!
HE HADN'T LIED TO ME BEFORE!
WHY WOULD HE LIE TO ME? RIGHT?

HE EVENTUALLY CONFESSED THAT HE DIDN'T
GET THE EMAIL FROM THAT GUY.

HE WANTED TO CONFRONT ME ABOUT SOMETHING
IN MY EMAILS FROM LIKE YEARS BEFORE
I MET THE GUY.

THE GUY I WAS? DATING!
WHO? READ MY EMAILS!
AND? LIED TO ME ABOUT IT!

AND THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THAT.
IT DID END BADLY. 

AND HE WASN'T LISTENING. EITHER.

WANTED TO FIND WHOEVER.
WANTED TO DO THAT.

I SAID OKAY. GO DO THAT. 
HAVE FUN.

LIE TO HER.

AND THAT'S A RELATIONSHIP
BEFORE HEAD PUNCHER EVEN.

MAYBE AROUND 2012?

IT WAS BECAUSE HE WAS JEALOUS OF ONE OF MY FRIENDS.
AND HE DIDN'T TRUST ME.

AND I SAID WELP....
CAN'T BE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T TRUST ME.

PRETTY MUCH, THAT'S HOW THAT WENT.

AND HE GOT MAD ABOUT IT.

INSTEAD OF UNDERSTANDING THAT
AND WHY THAT WAS.

BUT THAT'S OKAY.

AND BECAUSE HE WAS JEALOUS OF MY FRIEND
HE WENT AND GOT WITH SOME CHICK VERY QUICKLY.

BUT I ALREADY SAW HOW HE ACTS.

I REMEMBER HOW TRYING TO COMMUNICATE WITH HIM
WAS LIKE FOR ME....

I'D EXPLAIN ONE THING TO HIM..... IN LIKE 5 DIFFERENT WAYS.
BECAUSE EACH TIME, HE DIDN'T GET IT.

AND HE WOULD GET MAD AND ACCUSE ME OF LYING...
"YOUR STORY KEEPS CHANGING."

No, the way I was trying to explain THE SAME THING TO YOU....
CHANGED.

THAT'S IT. 

THAT'S WHAT IT WAS LIKE.

I HAD TO DEAL WITH THIS.

SO WHEN I STARTED SPENDING TIME WITH MY FRIEND
WHO I GOT ALONG WITH AND COULD TALK WITH...
HE GOT JEALOUS.
EVEN THOUGH MY FRIEND WAS ONLY MY FRIEND.
MY BOYFRIEND THOUGHT IT WAS MORE. 
HE DIDN'T WANT TO LISTEN. 
SO I ENDED IT. 

HE WAS MAD ABOUT IT. 

WE WEREN'T ON THE SAME PAGE IN A LOT OF WAYS.
IT JUST... WASN'T GOING TO WORK OUT.

AND IT DIDN'T.

Anyway... A lot of it actually has to do with communication. 

IF A PERSON DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE WELL...
COMMUNICATION WITH THAT PERSON IS NOT GOING TO GO WELL.

I LEARNED THIS FROM TRYING TO COMMUNICATE WITH PEOPLE
WHO SHOULD HAVE KNOWN HOW TO COMMUNICATE.

WAS VERY DIFFICULT. I THINK IT WAS INTENTIONAL.
BECAUSE TALKING SHOULDN'T BE HARD!

SO IT WAS VERY RARE FOR ME TO JUST BE ABLE TO
FLAT OUT COMMUNICATE.

THAT'S WHY WE HAVE WRITING!

Maybe that's why I vent so much! 
All the things I wish I could have just communicated! FFS!

WHY XYZ BOTHERS ME.
BECAUSE? IT MIGHT ALSO BOTHER OTHER PEOPLE...
FOR THE SAME REASON....

AND THEN YOU CAN UNDERSTAND THAT PERSON....
A LITTLE BETTER!

NOT THAT ALL FEMALES ARE THE SAME OR ANYTHING! LOL!

WHEN PEOPLE WANT TO WIN ARGUMENTS
VS
PEOPLE WHO'D RATHER DISCUSS STUFF...

TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

Just been tired of seeing a lot of the things I have been seeing.
LATELY. RECENTLY.

JUST IN COMMUNICATION....
JUST THAT.

IF WE COULD START WITH....
IMPROVING THAT.... THAT.... WOULD BE COOL!

IT WOULD MAKE THINGS MUCH BETTER!

MUCH EASIER and MUCH BETTER!

Anyway... Communication's been a big issue.
A key one.

An important one... 

For many reasons... 

NOT JUST BECAUSE I WANTED THAT.

"A*** wants something? Better not give it to her."
HONEST COMMUNICATION.

YEAH... I THINK IT WAS AROUND 2012 OR SO...

THAT I DATED THAT GUY.

WE DIDN'T HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.

ANYWAY, THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO!
14 YEARS AGO! 

I THINK THAT WAS BEFORE THE 12-YEAR DISCARD.
BACK THEN, I DRANK A LOT.

FROM 2010.... TO 2014.... I DRANK A LOT!
MORE THAN I DRANK BEFORE 2010.

BUT... OF COURSE, BLAME THAT.

NOT THAT I GOT TO COMMUNICATE...

BUT YES, I WAS PRETTY ANGRY, TOO.
MORE SO BECAUSE NOBODY UNDERSTOOD
WHY I WOULD BE.
EVEN THOUGH THEY WOULD BE.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE "TOXIC"
FOR HIM GETTING WITH HER? RIGHT?

WHY WOULD I BE?
I LET THAT HAPPEN.
AND? MOVED ON.

HE KINDA STALKED ME FOR A BIT
AFTER WE BROKE UP.
EVEN THOUGH HE WAS WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

WHICH WAS WEIRD.

I KNEW HE WAS WITH HER.
BECAUSE HE WAS TRYING TO BAIT ME
INTO REACTING TO HIS "NEW RELATIONSHIP"
AND IT WAS REALLY OBVIOUS HE WAS TRYING TO DO IT.

IT WAS VERY RIDICULOUS.
THAT HE EVEN TRIED TO DO THAT.

I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE THE CHICK
HE WAS TRYING TO USE TO "MAKE ME" "JEALOUS."

JUST BE WITH HER FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.
IF NOT, WHY DO IT?

NOT THAT I CARED WHAT HE DID....
AFTER WE BROKE UP.
THAT WAS HIS BUSINESS.

IT WAS AFTER THAT... THAT I THOUGHT ABOUT
12-YEAR DISCARD....

BECAUSE I THOUGHT:
DECENT GUY....
FROM WHAT I HAD REMEMBERED....
HONEST...
FROM WHAT I HAD REMEMBERED...

SO I THOUGHT:
MAYBE...
WE COULD....
COMMUNICATE....
BETTER!

MAYBE... IT WOULD BE...
EASIER.

MAYBE... I'D BE HAPPIER...

BUT? 

THAT'S OKAY.

WASN'T WHAT I THOUGHT, EITHER.

LOTS OF THINGS WERE NOT
WHAT I THOUGHT THEY WERE!

THAT'S OKAY.

Evaluations

I don't make the adjustments I make....
Just to make them.

I KNOW THAT ONE THING PEOPLE LIKE TO HAVE
IS LEVERAGE.

I KNOW WHAT MINE IS.

MINE IS KNOWING HOW I COULD OPERATE.
BECAUSE I COULD HAVE OPERATED LIKE THAT, INITIALLY.

I DON'T, TYPICALLY, BECAUSE I KNOW BETTER THAN THAT.
BECAUSE I KNOW WHY I SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN THAT.

WHETHER SOMEONE ELSE KNOWS BETTER THAN THAT....
ISN'T UP TO ME TO DECIDE OR ASSUME.

I used to assume it because if I knew better...
I THOUGHT THEY DID, TOO.

AND HERE IS SOMETHING:
IT IS EASY TO THINK ALL KINDS OF THINGS!

ESPECIALLY THE THINGS WE ARE TOLD TO.

BY THE SPIDERS THAT TELL US.

BECAUSE? THE VIBRATIONS ARE FROM THINGS
THEY CATCH.
FROM US.

FROM HOW WE MOVE.

HOW WE MOVE DETERMINES?

SOME THINGS. BUT IT'S FOR YOU TO KNOW THOSE.
I CAN'T EXPLAIN ALL OF IT.

I COULD EXPLAIN SOME STUFF.

BUT SOME STUFF IS... FOR PEOPLE TO KNOW.
WITHOUT ME.

BUT KNOWING THAT I KNOW SOME STUFF.
MORE THAN I SAY...

BECAUSE I CAN CHOOSE TO SAY IT.
OR NOT.

NOT EVERYTHING THAT I KNOW
HAS TO BE PUT INTO WORDS. RIGHT?

HAVING LEVERAGE IS ONE THING, 
BUT KNOWING WHAT IT IS
AND HOW TO USE IT...

ARE TWO OTHER THINGS.