Insane To Me

It's been a weird week. To say the least. 

I never thought that dude would ever be all like:
"I'm just saying hello." After 12 years... 

It's LIKE A SLAP IN THE FACE, ACTUALLY.

IT'S NOT ABOUT APOLOGIZING TO ME
OR HE FKN WOULD HAVE.

IT'S BECAUSE HE SEES MY "VALUE"
AND REALIZES HE'S MISSING OUT.

THAT'S WHY.

NOT BECAUSE HE'S SORRY
FOR TREATING ME THE WAY HE FKN DID....

BECAUSE HE TRIED TO JUSTIFY IT...
"YOU WERE TOXIC, MANIPULATIVE, AND VOLATILE."
"I HAD TO BLOCK YOU."

THEN WHY TF TRY TO COME BACK AND TALK TO ME?

THAT'S WHAT I GOT AFTER 12 YEARS:
YOU WERE XYZ.... NO. I WASN'T. 

YOU THOUGHT I WAS....
AND TREATED ME LIKE SH*T.
AND I DIDN'T DESERVE THAT. 

NOW THAT YOU REALIZE THAT, 
NOW YOU WANT TO COME BACK, 
BUT COMING BACK INSULTING ME, 
ISN'T ACKNOWLEDGING ANYTHING. 

It's gross and funny to me. 

It's gross because nothing says "I want something from you"
Like "YOU'RE IN AN INTERESTING LINE OF WORK, THAT'S AWESOME."

YOU KNOW VERY FKN LITTLE ABOUT ME.

WHY? BECAUSE:
YOU GHOSTED ME 12 YEARS AGO.
THAT'S WHY.

I'M DEAD TO YOU, REMEMBER?
DEAD PEOPLE DON'T COME BACK TO LIFE. 

I guess he shouldn't have judged me based on his assumptions about me....
RIGHT?

I guess he should have given me a real chance
WHEN I WAS GIVING HIM A REAL CHANCE. 

I guess he should have been FAIR to me, 
RIGHT?

But that's what that means:

"I'm dead to you. YOU GHOSTED ME 12 YEARS AGO."

NOW LET ME RIP. LOL.

Why do dudes want me after that?
AFTER THEY ALREADY REJECTED ME, 
ACTED FKN HORRENDOUSLY... 

IN WAYS THAT... HAD I ACTED LIKE THAT... 
THEY'D WANT TO BE WITH ME?
I FKN THINK NOT!

And if they DID, IF I acted like that....
THEY'D HAVE NO RESPECT FOR THEMSELF. 

ENOUGH RESPECT TO KNOW:

1) I DON'T WANT THIS SH*T
2) I DON'T NEED THIS SH*T
3) WTF IS THIS SH*T?
4) FK THIS SH*T.

JUST THAT.

I SHOULDN'T FKN HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO ANYONE
WTF THEY ARE DOING WRONG. 

THEY FKN KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING. 

YOU CHOOSE TO PLAY, 
THEN... YOU PAY. 
IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER... 

AND SINCE I'M NOT A "REVENGE" PERSON... 
ALL I'VE BEEN DOING IS LIVING MY LIFE!!!!!
WITHOUT MANY PEOPLE WHO "DIDN'T WANT TO BE IN IT."
UNTIL I'M "DOING WELL WITHOUT THEM."

UNTIL THEY REALIZE I HAVE CERTAIN VALUES
THEY OVERLOOKED
BECAUSE THEY NEVER TOOK THE TIME
TO FKN GET TO KNOW ME. 

That stings, at the time, but who am I to....
TRY TO SHOVE MYSELF IN SOMEONE'S FACE?
OPEN THEIR EYES
AND MAKE THEM
SEE ANYTHING
ABOUT ME?

IS THAT MY JOB?

OR CAN CERTAIN THINGS ABOUT ME
JUST SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES?

You know what it made me think of?

My friend who passed away... 
Put in a word for me or something "up there"
A*** NEEDS JUSTICE.

Because HE was the one I took to the SHOW
I HAD FKN GOT TICKETS FOR....
FOR THAT FKN DUDE.... 

BUT ENDED UP TAKING MY FRIEND WHO PASSED AWAY
INSTEAD OF THAT DUDE.

LIKE SOMEHOW... 
I'M GETTING SOMETHING "BACK" FOR ALL OF THAT. 

BUT, IT FEELS LIKE IT'S MY FRIEND HELPING ME WITH THAT ONE.


WHAT FKN BUGS ME IS I MET THAT DUDE WHEN I WAS 16.
I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH HIM. 
I CONSIDERED HIM A FRIEND. 

NEVER SAW IT COMING.
THAT HE WOULD TREAT ME THE WAY HE DID.

THAT WAS THE WHOLE REASON WHY I GAVE HIM A CHANCE
IN THE FIRST PLACE. 

HE TREATED ME DECENTLY AT SCHOOL. 

I WAS ALREADY IN A RELATIONSHIP WHEN I MET HIM. 
BUT HE ALREADY DID WHAT HE DID
SO EVEN IF WE WERE BOTH SINGLE NOW, 
THERE IS "NO PATH TOWARDS RECONNECTION"

BECAUSE WHEN HE GHOSTED ME:
I BECAME DEAD TO HIM. 

THE BRIEF CONTACT I HAD WITH HIM:
WORDS BEYOND THE GRAVE.
THAT'S IT. 

DOESN'T MEAN I'M POPPING OUT OF MY "GRAVE"
AND JUMPING ON GIVING HIM A CHANCE. 

And for him to THINK THAT I WOULD
IS FKN INSANE TO ME. 

Unseen

When I was right there, who saw me? 

WHY TREAT ME LIKE I DIDN'T MATTER....
THEN REAPPEAR?

I replied to the guy.
I told him that I would rather connect with people 
WHO ARE HONEST AND TREAT ME WITH THE RESPECT
AND CONSIDERATION I DESERVE. 

He wasn't honest with me.
He stood me up constantly.
WHEN I WAS UPSET ABOUT THAT....
WHAT DID HE DO?
HE DEFLECTED.

HE TREATED EVERY CONVO
ABOUT HOW I FELT
LIKE AN ARGUMENT... 

NO, I WILL NOT ARGUE ABOUT HOW I FEEL AND WHY.

THAT IS NOT AN ARGUMENT TO "WIN."
IT'S ME TELLING YOU, POINT-BLANK
HOW TF I FEEL
ABOUT HOW YOU ARE TREATING ME. 

THAT'S WHAT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.

THAT IS WHAT IT IS TO AN EMOTIONALLY MATURE PERSON!
A CONVERSATION. 

INFO TO CONSIDER... 
THAT'S IT.

So if I tell someone:
"I'm upset about xyz....."
It's not another opportunity to SH*T ON ME.

There is a lot about me that most people
DON'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND.

AND TELLING THEM A BILLION TIMES
IS NOT GOING TO MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND.

IT IS NOT MY FAULT IF THEY DON'T. 
OR CAN'T... 

So he replied to my reply... I have not read it.
I don't really WANT to.

HIS CASUAL APPROACH P*SSED ME OFF!

ACKNOWLEDGE WTF YOU DID, TO START... 
THAT MIGHT HELP... A BIT. 

NOT THAT IT HELPS A LOT OR FIXES ANYTHING.

Why would it? Does it CHANGE ANYTHING? NO?

SO WHY WOULD THAT FIX IT?

WHAT WOULD HAVE FIXED IT.....
WAS NOT BEING A D*CK TO ME.
JUST THAT.

When I give some dude a chance
NOT TO BE A D*CK TO ME......

MAYBE.... HE SHOULDN'T BE A D*CK!

I DGAF IF IT MAKES ME SEEM "COLD"
FOR NOT WANTING TO REOPEN A DOOR
SOMEONE SLAMMED IN THEIR OWN FACE.

IF I DID THAT, COULD I EXPECT THAT?
FROM THEM?

I COULD HOPE ALL I WANTED TO....
BUT I COULDN'T EXPECT FK ALL!

So what did he expect from me?

FOR ME TO FORGET?
THE THINGS HE SAID?

BS? NOPE.

SWEEP IT UNDER THE RUG?
NOPE.

As much as I did TOLERATE....
I NEVER FKN HAD TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE I DIDN'T NEED THE VALIDATION!

But..... HOW I FELT WAS VALID! WAS REAL!!!!!
WAS FOR MANY REASONS... 

SO... BECAUSE THAT BS CONTINUED....
THERE WAS NO POINT CONTINUING TO TRY ANYMORE.

That sh*t was UNCOOL. 
UNFAIR, TOO. 

Here's something, though... 
I WAS BEING UNFAIR TO MYSELF.... 
BY NOT WALKING AWAY THE FIRST TIME.
BY TOLERATING SH*T I NEVER SHOULD HAVE... 
BY CARING ABOUT PEOPLE
WHO DID NOT CARE ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CARING ABOUT SOMEONE
DOESN'T MAKE THEM CARE ABOUT YOU!

THEY EITHER DO, OR THEY DON'T. 

THAT SIMPLE! RIGHT?

If they keep showing you THEY DON'T CARE, THEY FKN DON'T!

LESSON I HAD TO LEARN.... IT SUCKS. 

Because.... It would be cool if care was reciprocal. 

APPRECIATED TOO!!!!! 

But someone from 12 years ago.... 
Who had that opportunity 12 years ago... 

Doesn't get to look at A*** 4.0 and say: "Yeah! I want that!"

Especially AFTER REJECTING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!

OKAY! COOL! DON'T WANT ME? I AM OKAY WITH THAT.
BUT..... DON'T FKN PLAY GAMES!
FAIR????!!!!

I THINK THAT'S FKN FAIR!

And after I told him that I wanted to live my life.... 
HE WROTE BACK!
I HAVE NOT READ IT.
I DON'T REALLY WANT TO.

BECAUSE HE HAD HIS OPPORTUNITY.
HE DIDN'T WANT IT.

WHEN I WANTED TO RECONNECT.

SO THIS IS ABOUT WHAT HE WANTS.....
I ALREADY TOLD HIM.....
I JUST WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE.

IF HE WANTED TO JUST LET ME.....
HE WOULDN'T CONTACT ME!
ESPECIALLY APPROACHING ME INSULTINGLY... 

"LONG TIME NO SEE!"

LIKE OLD FRIENDS.... 

THAT'S NOT HOW IT ENDED.

HAD IT ENDED THAT WAY, 
I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO!!!!!

I WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY TO HEAR FROM HIM!
INSTEAD OF FEELING THE WAY I FELT....
YESTERDAY AND TODAY.

It's not like I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT HIM SINCE THEN.... 
BUT THOSE WERE FLEETING THOUGHTS.

AND SOME THOUGHTS I HAD TO PUSH AWAY.
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT HIM. 

I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT ANY OF THAT. 

SHOULDN'T HAVE TRIED TO RECONNECT WITH HIM. 
SHOULD HAVE LEFT HIM IN THE PAST. 

I DID TRY TO RECONNECT WITH HIM, BACK THEN.....
BECAUSE I THOUGHT HE WAS A DECENT DUDE
WHO WOULD TREAT ME DECENTLY.....

NOT BECAUSE I FKN WANTED ANYTHING FROM HIM.
JUST BASIC FKN RESPECT. 
BASIC CONSIDERATION. 

SHOULD I HAVE TO BEG FOR THOSE THINGS?
CONSTANTLY? YES OR NO?

BECAUSE IF SOMEONE EXPECTS ME TO BEG FOR THAT... 
THEY CAN FK RIGHT OFF!

WOULD THEY WANT TO BEG ME FOR THAT? YES OR NO?

THAT'S THE POINT.

Maybe, Maybe Not

I can't expect certain people to SEE what I do.
THE THINGS I SEE AND HOW I SEE THEM.

They won't look at themselves. 
They wanted to project BS onto me. 

They didn't consider that in the last 12 years....
I HAVE CHANGED.

I KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT.
WHY GO BACK WHEN THERE WAS NOTHING TO GO BACK TO?

I didn't know what to expect when I was in it...
Because what I thought I could expect...
Was totally opposite to what I actually experienced.

If I had known that it was going to be a load of BS....
I probably wouldn't have invested and wasted my time.

BUT I HAD GOOD INTENTIONS. 

I SOMEHOW THOUGHT IF I KEPT TRYING, 
THEY MIGHT SEE ME FOR ME, BUT THEY DIDN'T!

I doubt anyone will see me for me...

IF THEY CAN'T SEE PAST THEIR EGO....
HOW WOULD THEY BE ABLE TO SEE ME FOR ME?

Nothing changed. I'd be going back to the same SH*T.

WHY WOULD IT HAVE CHANGED?
THEY DON'T REFLECT!

ON WHAT I SAID, BACK THEN....
WHY WOULD THEY NOW?

Treated me like I was the one who was "unaware."
Like I was the one who was "emotionally immature."

FK THAT.

No, I won't take responsibility for anyone's IMMATURITY.
NOT EVEN WHEN THEY TRY TO PUT THEIR SH*T ON ME.

THEY DID THAT SH*T FOR TOO LONG. 

LONG ENOUGH FOR ME TO SEE ALL OF IT.

And because I saw it.... I see it.
I can't UNSEE IT.

"Hopefully we can reconnect...."
WHY? SO YOU CAN TRY PROJECTING ONTO ME SOME MORE?
BECAUSE THAT'S ALL THAT DUDE DID.

And he finds me on LinkedIn because he can't find me on FB.

I might have even blocked him on there... 

I definitely blocked MIRROR SMASHER.

When you learn that you never had to accept or tolerate ANY BS, 
YOU BECOME VERY UNINTERESTED IN BS!

YOU LEARN: "FK THIS BS! I AM DONE!"
AND YOU STAY DONE.

NOT EVEN MAD. JUST DONE!

Because... IF SOMEONE WANTS TO FK UP, 
I CAN LET THEM FK UP.

IF THEY DO FK UP, THAT'S ON THEM.

BECAUSE.... THEY HAD.... A CHANCE....
NOT TO FK UP!

Do they need A BILLION CHANCES NOT TO FK UP?
Maybe a few... Maybe JUST ONE.

YOU DECIDE.

THEY DON'T.

IT'S BEEN 12 YEARS FOR A REASON.
MAYBE THEY COULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT IT
12 FKN YEARS AGO.....

WHEN I WAS TELLING THEM!!!!!
AND THEY WERE PROJECTING!!!!!

AND NOT THINKING OR CARING:
MAYBE SHE WON'T WANT TO COME BACK!!!!!

WELP, I DON'T! 

Mixed Feelings

The shock is wearing off, I guess.
SHOCKED THAT HE CONTACTED ME.
AND HOW CASUALLY HE DID IT
LIKE WHAT HE DID NEVER MATTERED.
AND I STILL DIDN'T MATTER (ENOUGH)
FOR HIM TO FKN ACKNOWLEDGE ANYTHING.

What is really heavy is....
IF THINGS HAD BEEN DIFFERENT.....
I WOULD HAVE LOVED....
TO RECONNECT.

But..... I DON'T NEED BS.
AND DON'T WANT IT.

I wasn't sitting around WAITING FOR HIM TO SEE MY WORTH!!!!!!!!!!
I WAS LIVING MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WITHOUT HIM IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And expecting me to FORGET...
AND BE LIKE: "WOW! BEEN FOREVER! LET'S CHILL!"

Like.... At the time....
IF HE WAS SCARED OF ACTUALLY "CONNECTING" WITH ME....
HE COULD HAVE FKN SAID SO!

OR WHATEVER TF WAS GOING ON.... 

BECAUSE HE WASN'T ALWAYS LIKE THAT.

That's why my feelings are all over the place!!!!!!!!!

Because HAD HE BEEN GOOD TO ME....
I WOULD HAVE LOVED LOVED LOVED LOVED TO RECONNECT!!!!!!!

I WOULD HAVE BEEN FKN ECSTATIC!!!! 
HAPPY AF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TRULY!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT???!!!

Honestly, there have been times I DID THINK ABOUT HIM.....
BUT THEN I REMEMBERED HOW IT FELT DEALING WITH HIM.
I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL LIKE THAT AGAIN.

I DO NOT WANT TO LET ANYONE AFFECT ME.

I DO NOT HAVE THE EMOTIONAL BANDWIDTH.
FOR MUCH OF ANYTHING ANYMORE....

Caring about people WHO DO NOT GAF ABOUT ME
IS FKN EXHAUSTING. 

I don't feel like doing that anymore!
And that is my right: Not wanting to!

Mostly because his dad's store was closing...
That's why I even thought about him.

NOT BECAUSE I WAS MISSING HIM, WANTING HIM, NOTHING.

LIKE.... 12 YEARS TOO FKN LATE....

And my last relationship was after THAT.

And yes, I am over my ex.

Sure, there have been times I thought about some things....
Thought about him, but he treated me the way he did, too.

MIRROR SMASHER DID TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
99% OF DUDES I EVER TRIED TO DATE....

Which is WHY I DON'T WANT TO FKN DATE ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!

But my feelings are all over the place today....
BECAUSE IF THINGS HAD BEEN DIFFERENT.....
I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO SEE HIM AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My nervous system is kinda fkd right now. 
I hate feeling like this. I really do.

BECAUSE A TINY PART OF ME WANTS TO SEE HIM AGAIN!
AND A HUGE PART OF ME FKN DOESN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE OF HOW HE FKN TREATED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LIKE I DIDN'T FKN MATTER TO HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO WHY SHOULD I NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!????
I DIDN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I FKN DIDN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I DO NOT FKN HAVE TO.... NOW.
LIKE FK OFF WITH THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"YOU CAN MATTER 12 YEARS FROM NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Y'KNOW????????

AND I AM NOT CONVINCED I EVER FKN DID OR WILL.
SO I DON'T REALLY EVEN KNOW WHAT TO THINK!!!!!!!!!!
OR FEEL! OR DO!!!!!!!! OR SAY!!!!!!!!!
OR FKN ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But I don't want to feel like THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I didn't want to feel like THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALSO: WHY SHOULD I GIVE HIM ANYTHING HE WANTS?
DID HE GAF WHAT I WANTED?
TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT?
TO BE TREATED FAIRLY?
LIKE I MATTERED?
NO?

SO..... WHAT????? WHAT DO I EVEN DO WITH THIS?