What Bugs Me Also

If I were "expected to wait for him"
I WOULD HAVE BEEN EXPECTED
TO WAIT 12 FKN YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!

WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING THAT!

YOU SEE?

Did I agree to WAIT? DID I? NO!

REASONABLY, OKAY....
WITHIN REASON, OKAY.

BUT TO BE TREATED THE WAY I WAS TREATED....

THEN..... "HOLD ON FOR 12 YEARS...." WTF?

AND AFTER 12 YEARS? DID I GET RESPECT THEN? NO?

NOW IT'S "WHAT CAN I LOSE?" WHEN THEY LOOK AT ME?
THEY ALREADY LOST! FORFEIT!

THEY ALL KNOW WHAT THEY DID!
THEY CHOSE TO DO IT!

THEY WON'T SAY: "SORRY I CHOSE TO TREAT YOU LIKE DIRT, A***."

"I HAVE LOTS OF OPTIONS! I CAN TREAT A*** LIKE DIRT!"
FK NO!

A*** WALKS AWAY FROM THAT SH*T AND KEEPS WALKING.

IF THEY WANT TO TAKE RISKS, THEY CAN GO FOR IT!

THEY DID THAT.

FOR NOTHING.

THEN THEY WANT TO "SHOOT THEIR SHOT"?
ON WHAT?

ON ANYTHING SOLID? 

ONLY BECAUSE I COULD BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE?

LIKE I SHOULD LET THE BS GO?

LIKE THEY DIDN'T INTENTIONALLY DO WHAT THEY DID?

For More Context

The reason I'm DISAPPOINTED AF....
Is because I knew him a long time ago.

I HAD A GOOD VIEW OF HIM.
I THOUGHT HE WAS A DECENT DUDE....
AT SCHOOL, HE HAD TREATED ME DECENTLY.

When I met him....
I was in a relationship.
I DIDN'T HIDE THAT FROM HIM.

HE KNEW THAT. I WAS HONEST ABOUT THAT.

REMEMBER? I WAS PREGNANT IN HIGH SCHOOL!

YEARS.... AFTER THAT RELATIONSHIP ENDED....
I THOUGHT BACK TO PEOPLE.....
I THOUGHT TREATED ME DECENTLY.....

BECAUSE.... ALL I WANTED.....
AT THAT TIME......
WAS TO JUST......
BE TREATED......
DECENTLY.....

JUST THAT.

NOT THE FKN STARS AND MOON OR ANYTHING CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!

JUST TO BE TREATED DECENTLY.

BY SOMEONE I TRUSTED.....
TO JUST TREAT ME DECENTLY.

THAT WAS WHY I REACHED OUT TO HIM.
INITIALLY.

AFTER SCHOOL.

BECAUSE I THOUGHT:
HE WAS A DECENT DUDE!

THOUGHT A FEW DUDES WERE DECENT! RIGHT?
TRUSTED! RIGHT?

LIKE WHEN MY EX AND I BROKE UP....
I THOUGHT.... ABOUT MIRROR SMASHER....

I HAD FORGOTTEN THAT HE HAD TREATED ME HORRIBLY.
HE FKN DID!

AND THEN..... HE DID AGAIN!

UNTIL I BECAME UNWILLING TO FKN DEAL WITH HIM!
BECAUSE WHY WOULD I ANYMORE?

JUST BECAUSE I THINK A DUDE IS XYZ......
DOESN'T MEAN HE ACTUALLY IS!

IF THE DUDES I THOUGHT WERE DECENT....
WERE DECENT DUDES......

THEY WOULD HAVE JUST BEEN FKN DECENT!

AND THAT'S ALL THEY HAD TO BE TO ME!

JUST THAT! RIGHT?

BUT? WHAT HAPPENED?

WHY WOULDN'T I BE DISAPPOINTED?
WOULDN'T YOU?

I'M SAD, YEAH, BUT IT'S NOT LIKE IT WAS UP TO ME!

IT WAS UP TO THEM TO CHOOSE TO JUST....
BE FKN DECENT!

RIGHT?

So..... In high school.... 
Yeah, I was curious. That's why I thought about HIM.
I WANTED TO GET TO KNOW HIM BETTER.

WANTED HIM TO JUST BE DECENT TO ME...
LIKE I THOUGHT OF HIM.... AS A DECENT GUY.

HOW WAS BEING DISCARDED FOR 12 YEARS SUPPOSED TO FEEL?
GOOD? GREAT?

AND 12 YEARS LATER YOU DON'T GAF HOW THAT FELT?
AND HOW EVERYTHING THAT LED UP TO IT FELT?
HOW FKN DISLOYAL THAT WAS?

AND YOU WANT ME TO TRUST?
AGAIN?
12 YEARS LATER?

12 years...... I was 12 years old......
When I won that CD that he "BORROWED" from me....

WHEN WE WERE 16. I WAS 16.

DRUM AND BASS.

COULDN'T EVEN GIVE MY CD BACK LOL!

BUT.... WHAT HAPPENED?
DIDN'T LISTEN.

SHOULD I BE SURPRISED? I WAS! VERY!
MAYBE THAT'S WHY IT FEELS THE WAY IT DOES!

Could Only Hope

Most of the people who watch me can't reach me.

Certain things I just won't entertain anymore.
I did, and what happened?

Because of (this) I decided (this).

BECAUSE I HAD A RIGHT TO DECIDE....
AFTER EXPERIENCING A BUNCH OF BS.

LIKE I HAD A RIGHT TO MOVE ON....
WITHOUT ANY BS.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BS.....
HAD I DISCARDED SOMEONE.....
AND THOUGHT.....
I COULD JUST COME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I CAN FORGIVE PEOPLE.....
BUT.... I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH THE EXACT SAME SH*T!

ALREADY DID THAT SH*T!

DIDN'T DESERVE THAT SH*T THEN, 
SURE AS HELL DON'T NOW.

SO WHY FKN TRY ME?
JUST TO TRY ME?!

TRY! SEE HOW FAR IT GETS!

BEFORE I FKN REMIND YOU....
BECAUSE I HAVE TO.... I GUESS...

I had to remind someone WHO DISCARDED ME....
THAT THEY DISCARDED ME!

Need me to remind you again?
Didn't feel like doing it. Really didn't.

Why should I have to remind people
HOW THEY FKN TREATED ME!

WHY DO THEY WANT ME TO FORGET THAT?

WANTED TO JUST DISTRACT ME WITH BS...
WANTED TO TRY TO WASTE MY TIME....

BECAUSE I ALREADY TRIED TO TALK TO HIM! RIGHT?
HOW DID THAT GO? GOOD? GREAT?
GOT SOMEWHERE?

PROBABLY ANOTHER: "I MISS OUR TALKS...."
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

NOT THE SAME AS MISSING ME.... RIGHT?

"I'M SORRY YOU FEEL I TREATED YOU HORRIBLY...."
ISN'T THE SAME AS:

"I'M SORRY I TREATED YOU HORRIBLY."

WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE BS.....

MORE "I LEARNED FK ALL BY FKING YOU OVER."
"I'M JUST TRYING TO FK YOU OVER SOME MORE."
"I'M JUST BACK BECAUSE YOU'RE DOING WELL."
"I'M JUST TRYING TO GET SOMETHING FROM YOU."

THERE'S BEEN NO "CLAIM" ON ME.
I AM FREE TO BE AROUND WHOEVER I WANT TO BE AROUND.
WAKING UP TO THE FACT: "A***'S SINGLE!"

YEAH, BUT MAYBE EVERYONE CAN FK OFF.

ATTENTION WHOORES CAN GET ALL THE ATTENTION THEY WANTED!
RIGHT? FROM WHOEVER, NOT ME. NOT MINE.

I DON'T HAVE TO BE AROUND EVERYONE....
OR JUST ANYONE....

AND NOT ALL ATTENTION IS THE SAME.

"OH SH*T! A*** DOESN'T WANT TO DATE ME NOW!"
NO SH*T! HOW DID YOU TREAT ME WHEN I WAS INTERESTED?

IN EVEN GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER?

HOW DID THEY TREAT ME?

LIKE I MATTERED TO THEM?
LIKE THEY CARED ABOUT ME?
LIKE THEY WANTED TO BE WITH ME?

NO?

AND WHEN IT COMES TIME TO REALLY TALK ABOUT THAT....

NOT BRUSH IT UNDER THE RUG.....

REALLY FKN TALK ABOUT IT.....

HOW DO THEY ACT?

HOW?

WANTED ME TO ACT LIKE THEY MATTERED!
WANTED ME TO TREAT THEM LIKE I CARED!
WANTED ME TO ACT LIKE I WANTED TO BE WITH THEM!

RIGHT?

NEVER: "YOU HAVE A POINT, A***!"
FKN RIGHT I DO!

"PUNISHING ME"
"A***, I'M GOING TO BLOCK YOU FOR 12 YEARS!"
"BECAUSE YOU WERE XYZ...." 
"REALLY? OR WAS I TELLING THE TRUTH YOU DIDN'T LIKE?"

"I'LL BLOCK YOU BECAUSE YOUR FEELINGS NEVER MATTERED!"
"I'LL BLOCK YOU BECAUSE YOU NEVER MATTERED!"

THEN TRY TO ACT LIKE I NEVER DISCARDED YOU!

NEVER EMOTIONALLY ABUSED YOU!

HE DID!

NOW THAT I'M EMOTIONALLY SECURE
AND NEVER FKN CHASED HIM.....
NEVER FKN DID ANYTHING TO HIM... 

NEVER EVEN WANTED VERY MUCH FROM HIM... 

NOT TO BE EMOTIONALLY ABUSED.... MAYBE THAT?

I'm getting over it again. 
I THOUGHT I ONLY HAD TO GET OVER THIS BS ONCE....

SINCE I ALREADY DID IT ONCE, I CAN DO IT AGAIN.

It took a while! I probably wrote about it all back then!
12 years ago!!!!

Had to process this sh*t already!

Could have just left me alone, like I LEFT HIM ALONE!
RIGHT?

HE WANTED THAT!
DIDN'T WANT TO LISTEN!
DIDN'T WANT TO GAF!

NOW.... WHY SHOULD I?

He could have! Right? Could have?

DID I HAVE TO WAIT 12 YEARS FOR THAT?
AND DID HE FKN LISTEN?
NO?

BECAUSE IT WAS STILL MY FAULT?
FOR REACTING TO BS?

IT'S THAT I'M SO STRONG PEOPLE ARE FKN AFRAID!
THEY BECOME FKN COWARDS!

THEY THINK I WILL HURT THEM!
LIKE THEY DO TO ME!

BUT THEY DON'T REALIZE:
I NEVER FKN HAD TO!

I COULD, YES!
FK YES!

I COULD. I MANY WAYS. IF I WANTED TO.

BUT DO I?

OR DO I LET PEOPLE FKN LIVE WITHOUT ME?
BECAUSE I FKN CAN!

THEY GET SCARED BECAUSE THEY KNOW:
I'M TELLING THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!

AND THEY CAN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT THEY FKN SHOULD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE THEY WOULD BE WASTING MY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WITH MORE BS!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY KNOW THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND I HAVE NOT BEEN DOING ANYTHING TO HIM!

CALLING HIM OUT, YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FK YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHAME THE BS!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHAME IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO MAYBE PEOPLE WILL BE ASHAMED OF BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MAYBE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

COULD ONLY HOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Smear It All You Want To

It was emotional abuse to try to make me think....
THAT IT WAS ME EXPRESSING MY FEELINGS
THAT WAS THE PROBLEM.

NO. IT NEVER WAS.

DOING THAT SH*T WAS THE PROBLEM.

I'M NOT GOING TO BE SORRY
FOR SH*T THAT WASN'T MY FAULT.

AND GO AHEAD AND SMEAR MY NAME.....
AFTER NOT WANTING TO GO BACK TO THAT SH*T.

AFTER REFUSING TO JUST FKN ACT RIGHT.

BE AS MAD AS YOU WANT ABOUT THAT.

NOTHING WOULD HAVE CHANGED!
IT DIDN'T!

COULD WE TALK?
ABOUT HOW I FELT?

NO? 

ABOUT WHY I WAS P*SSED OFF?
NO?

IF HE WANTED ME TO FEEL "NOT GOOD ENOUGH," FINE.
IF THAT'S WHAT HE WANTED, WHY WOULD I GO BACK TO THAT?

DID HE TREAT ME LIKE I WAS "GOOD ENOUGH"? NO.

I COULDN'T EVEN SAY HOW I FKN FELT!!!!!!!! FFS!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE DID NOT GAF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO WHY TELL HIM SOME MORE?

WOULD IT MAKE A DIFFERENCE? NO!

I THOUGHT: IF HE FKN UNDERSTOOD, HE'D STOP THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE'D STOP HIS SH*T.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT, BUT HE DIDN'T.

BECAUSE HE TRIED HIS SH*T AGAIN, RIGHT?
TRIED TO BLAME ME FOR HIS SH*T.

I WASN'T DOING THE THINGS HE DID!
I WASN'T SAYING THE THINGS HE DID!
I WASN'T TREATING HIM THE WAY HE TREATED ME!

I CAN'T UNSEE THE BS. I SAW IT.

TO TREAT SOMEONE LIKE YOU DO NOT GAF
IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY WOULD I LET HIM EMOTIONALLY ABUSE ME AGAIN?
ALREADY FKN DID THAT SH*T.

HOW DID THAT FEEL? GREAT? FK THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DODGE.TF.OUTTA.THAT.

MISS ME WITH THAT SH*T.
GOT ME THE FIRST TIME. SHAME ON YOU.
IT'D BE SHAME ON ME, THE NEXT TIME, RIGHT?

SEE WHAT YOUR LIFE IS WITHOUT A***?!
YEAH? TOO BAD!

BUT.... YOU..... CHOSE...... THAT...... RIGHT?

IT BUGS ME.... MINDING MY OWN FKN BUSINESS....
AFTER 12 FKN YEARS.... 

LIKE WHAT?!

I'M THE TOXIC ONE?
WHAT WAS I DOING? I WAS MINDING MY OWN FKN BUSINESS!

WHY COME BACK TO ME "I MADE A MISTAKE"
IF I WAS THE TOXIC ONE? WTF?

Would have stayed tf away.... RIGHT?
IF TELLING HIM HOW I FELT ABOUT HIS BS
WAS EVER THE PROBLEM.

THE PROBLEM WAS FKN ACCOUNTABILITY.
THAT'S WHAT IT WAS.

AND WOULD STILL BE.

APPARENTLY.

Drives me fkn crazy, this sh*t.

HE WANTED TO PLAY FKN GAMES, FOUND OUT!
FOUND OUT WHAT IT'S BEEN LIKE
WITHOUT ME FOR 12 YEARS!

AND WHAT IT WILL BE LIKE!
WITHOUT ME!

Didn't appreciate me.... WHEN YOU HAD ME.
SO WHAT TF DO YOU EXPECT?

FOR ME TO WANT TO "JUMP YOUR BONES"?
BECAUSE I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN 12 YEARS?

FOR ME TO FORGET HOW YOU TREATED ME?

FOR ME TO BE STUPID ENOUGH TO FALL FOR
THE SAME SH*T TWICE?

FOR ME TO LET YOU LOVEBOMB ME....
DIRECTLY AFTER TRYING TO FKN GASLIGHT ME, AGAIN?
PRETTY INSULTING!

FK NO! 

I EVEN GIVE YOU THE CHANCE NOT TO DO THAT SH*T....
AND WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THAT CHANCE?

WHEN YOU DISREGARD SOMEONE'S FEELINGS....
WHEN THEY EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS TO YOU.....
AND THEIR REACTION TO YOUR SH*T.......
IS "THE PROBLEM" ALL THE FKN TIME......

MAYBE "THE PROBLEM"
IS NOT FKN LISTENING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MAKING SOMEONE FIGHT TO BE HEARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DISMISSING THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DISCARDING THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FOR JUST FEELING HOW THEY FEEL
ABOUT BEING TREATED LIKE SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FK!!!!!!!!!!!! IS THAT ALL I DID???????????????? YEAH??????????
JUST THAT?????????????

I WAS SO DAMN "TOXIC" FK!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I STOOD MYSELF UP, RIGHT?

Yes, I'm getting it out... Just that.

I actually don't gaf about where I stand with anyone.

I USED TO!
I USED TO TRY TO BE UNDERSTOOD!
BUT..... WHAT HAPPENED?

HE DID THAT D*CK THING THAT MIRROR SMASHER DID!
"A***, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE FEELINGS!
YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE UPSET ABOUT ANYTHING!
WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY ABOUT ME BEING COLD TO YOU.....
"YOU'RE JUST DRUNK" ETC......

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY WITH MY BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FK NO!!!!!!!!!!

Just fkn unfair that I was just fine and then fkr comes back.....
AFTER FKN DISCARDING ME ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY THE FK EVEN DO THAT SH*T?

I DIDN'T EVEN DESERVE TO FKN MOVE ON?
WTF?! I LET HIM MOVE ON! DID I NOT?

DID I DO ANYTHING TO HIM AFTER HE BOUNCED? NO?

I LET HIM BOUNCE? YEAH?

I GOT OVER HIM? YEAH?

EVEN TRIED DATING AND RARELY THOUGHT ABOUT HIM?

AND WHEN I DID...... I REMEMBERED...... BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UNFAIR BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOULD IT BE FAIR OF ME TO BE DISCARDING HIM......
THEN TRY TO POP BACK UP? "JUST SAYING HELLO"

AFTER HE MOVED ON?

BUT IT WASN'T JUST SAYING HELLO!

IT WASN'T BECAUSE: "I'M SORRY FOR TREATING YOU LIKE SH*T."

HE CLAIMED HE DIDN'T REMEMBER HOW HE TREATED ME!!!!!

REMEMBERS HIS BS EXCUSES FOR DISCARDING ME, THOUGH. RIGHT?

IT'D JUST BE EMOTIONAL ABUSE.

WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE EMOTIONALLY ABUSED 
AND THEN FKN BLAMED FOR IT?

INFURIATING!!!!!!!! FK THAT!

All of that has got me not wanting anything with anyone!
BECAUSE IT'S BEEN A WASTE OF MY TIME!

I HAVE OTHER THINGS TO DO!

I PREFER BEING ALONE, MOSTLY, ANYWAY.
SO TRYING TO "ISOLATE" ME BY GHOSTING ME....
IS ONLY FORFEITING THEIR PLACE IN MY LIFE.

JUST THAT.

HOW PEOPLE TREAT ME TELLS ME WHO GETS TO STAY.
AND WHO GETS TO FK OFF.

AND IF YOU'VE ALREADY SHOWN ME THINGS....
YOU ALREADY DID THAT.