Always, Not Always

I have a male friend who has had similar social struggles
AS I HAVE HAD.

He tries. He puts himself out there.

He meets people.
He does his best.

But... As he has experienced.....
THE PEOPLE HE MEETS ARE NOT COMPATIBLE.
IF THEY WERE, THEY'D MESH.
EXTREMELY WELL.
EQUAL EFFORT ON BOTH SIDES.
APPRECIATION.
CONNECTION.
EASY. SIMPLE.

LIKE IT COULD BE.

IF..... THEY ARE COMPATIBLE.

NOT WHEN THEY AREN'T.

CAN I HAVE A CONVERSATION ABOUT....
POLITICS....
WITH SOMEONE....
WHO HAS DIFFERENT VIEWS THAN I DO....
WITHOUT IT TURNING INTO
AN ARGUMENT?

Only sometimes!

As an example.... 
My son sees the riots in France as a protest.

So I am asking him questions about his views...
Only ask questions.

HE USED TO GET SO DEFENSIVE ABOUT HIS VIEWS
THAT WE MOSTLY "FOUGHT"
INSTEAD OF JUST TALKING ABOUT IT.

BUT NOW? I FRAME IT AS.... JUST ASKING.
FOR THE SAKE OF ASKING.

BECAUSE HOW WOULD I KNOW....
UNLESS I ASK?

ABOUT WHAT HE THINKS AND WHY....

HE'S ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT IT.
WITH ME.

VIEWS ARE JUST VIEWS.
THOUGHTS ARE JUST THOUGHTS.

DEFENDING A VIEW OR A THOUGHT
DOESN'T HAVE TO = DEFENDING YOURSELF
FOR HAVING THE VIEW OR THOUGHT.

I already told him this before.
I think he understood what I meant.
Because we can speak more openly now....
Without the defensiveness.

I told him that I appreciate that.
It's easier and better just to talk about it.

We don't have to AGREE for anything we think
to be valid or make sense to us.

But how are we supposed to be able to "understand"
HOW WE THINK IN THE SAME WAYS
AND HOW WE THINK DIFFERENTLY
IF WE DON'T TALK ABOUT THAT?

IF WE KNOW, THAT IS A GOOD THING.
BETTER THAN NOT KNOWING.

Then maybe he can look back and say: "I knew my MOM, 
probably a lot BETTER than I used to....
Or thought that I could....
BECAUSE WE TALKED ABOUT THINGS."

"I USED TO HATE TALKING TO MY MOM, 
SHE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND ME."

"BUT SHE TRIED TO. SHE ASKED ME ABOUT MYSELF."

IS MY MOM ASKING ME?
HARDLY EVER DOES.

HARDLY EVER EVEN SAYS: HELLO.

I gave up trying to have a relationship with some of my family.
IF THEY WANTED TO HAVE ONE...
THEY COULD HAVE HAD ONE WITH ME.

And that is why I'm trying to SHOW my kid....
I'm trying to have a relationship WITH YOU.
BECAUSE I WANT TO.
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

He's asked me questions, too.

"Mom, do you understand what XYZ means from XYZ point of view?"

I want him to know that he can TELL ME WHAT IT MEANS TO HIM.
BECAUSE THAT MATTERS.
WHAT IT MEANS TO HIM.

SHOULD I ONLY CARE WHAT IT MEANS TO ME?
OR SHOULD I CARE WHAT IT MEANS TO HIM?

BECAUSE I COULD TELL HIM
WHAT XYZ MEANS TO ME
FROM XYZ POINT OF VIEW....

SURE, BUT TELL ME.... SON...
FROM YOURS.

HOW DO YOU SEE IT, KID?

SO I CAN ASK MORE QUESTIONS.
FROM THERE.

AND YOU CAN ASK ME MORE QUESTIONS, TOO.
FROM THERE.

AND WE CAN TALK ABOUT THAT.

See what I'm saying?

Isn't that worth LOOKING AT?
WITH YOUR OWN KIDS?

IT SURE IS!

WITH YOUR FRIENDS, TOO!
NOT JUST YOUR FAMILY!

Just, especially YOUR FAMILY.

Not just BECAUSE they are your family.....

BECAUSE IT GETS YOU TO THINK.
ABOUT THE QUESTIONS
AND WHY THEY ARE BEING ASKED MATTERS!
AS MUCH AS THE QUESTIONS DO!

My son brings up philosophies with me. 
THAT'S HOW I KNOW THAT HE THINKS PHILOSOPHICALLY.

THAT IS ONLY ONE WAY TO THINK, THOUGH.
NOT THE ONLY WAY TO THINK.

JUST ONE WAY TO LOOK AT THINGS.
NOT THE ONLY WAY.

I look at some things with analogies.
For example. 

NOT EVERYTHING....
BUT SOME THINGS, SOMETIMES.

There are so many WAYS to look at something.
So many ways that we haven't even STARTED 
to CONSIDER all the ways that we even COULD look at something.

And have we considered THAT?

THAT THERE ARE SO MANY WAYS TO LOOK AT SOMETHING
THAT WE HAVEN'T EVEN CONSIDERED HOW MANY
THERE ACTUALLY ARE?

BECAUSE??????? I'LL TELL YOU!!!!!!

BECAUSE:
WE ARE TOO BUSY....
LOOKING AT THINGS....
THE SAME WAYS....
WE ALWAYS HAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TO EVER.... CONSIDER.... THAT THERE ARE.....
SO MANY OTHER WAYS....
TO LOOK AT SOMETHING.
ANYTHING.

and..... Here's a HUGE ONE.... READY?

IF WE ARE TOO BUSY DOING XYZ.....
TO CONSIDER XYZ....
HOW ARE WE TO.....
CONSIDER XYZ?

AS IN.... COULD BE ANYTHING?
TO EVEN......

CONSIDER......
CONSIDERING......
ANYTHING! 

BOOM!

BUT...... THEY ARE ALLOWED
TO END A FRIENDSHIP WITH ME
BECAUSE THEY HADN'T CONSIDERED THAT.

OR MY FRIENDSHIP.
OR ME.

OR WHATEVER ELSE THEY COULD HAVE.
HAD THEY CONSIDERED IT.

CONSIDERED.... CONSIDERING IT.

And that is where a lot of people get hung up on...
And that is okay.

I got hung up on it a bunch, too. 
I fkd up because of it and other things.

It wasn't until I got to my 40s that I even got to THIS POINT.

And if my son's in his 20s and he's having big thoughts like
IMPERIALISM....

Then... That is worth asking him about.

I Won't Know Why

Someone who no longer talks to me....
Had asked me what my biggest trauma was.

I don't know why he asked me that.
And won't get to ask him...
Because he doesn't talk to me anymore.

We had agreed to move on from each other.
His choice was to end our friendship.
Over having differing political views. 

Why ask me that if it was that easy to drop me
AS A FRIEND?

I don't know why.

I don't feel like telling people personal things
if they're just going to bounce that quick.

Over something like that.

Why would he even want to know?

Did he think my trauma was related to dating?
That was why I didn't want to.

I don't know.

People think that it has to do with my "trauma."
Nope.

Just a choice.

Apparently, I can't really get close to anyone very often. 

EVEN AS A FRIEND.

BECAUSE OF THINGS LIKE THAT.
Mostly. It sucks, but what can I do about that?

Just be okay with it? Pretty much.

Just I'd rather not invest at all... But if I don't.
I don't get to see if it could be a friendship.

If it could be one.
A real one.

That's about it.

I can think about people, though.
From time to time.

And feel okay that I never had any bad intentions whatsoever,
More than okay about that.

I can still sleep at night.
Knowing I wasn't ever trying to do anything wrong.
Or bad to anyone.

So why wouldn't I be okay with their choice?
Did I want anything from anyone?

Other than understanding?
Common ground?

To matter?

Nope? So then? Why wouldn't I be okay?
Wasn't I okay before I met them? Yeah?

That wasn't a lot to even want, so I'll be okay.

Makes me not really want to invest very much, though.
When I do...?

But if I don't? Then I seem fake.
Like I don't care.
As though I want something.
I don't. 

So then I invest. So they can hopefully see that.

I try to get to know them as a person.

I try to let them get to know me as a person.
If I even give them that chance.

I didn't have to, and neither did they.

Someone asked me:
Would a Conservative admit that a Conservative leader
was a bad leader?

Was Mike Harris Conservative? Yeah?
DID HE FK UP?
YES.

ISN'T DOUG FORD CONSERVATIVE?
DO I AGREE WITH WHAT HE DOES? NO?

AM I A DIE-HARD CONSERVATIVE? NO?

BUT AM I ON BOARD WITH THE LIBS?

WITH WHAT THEY ARE DOING?

HOW COME THE GOV DIDN'T TELL US
THEMSELVES....
THAT "SOME" PEOPLE WERE GETTING "SICK"
AND "SOME" PEOPLE WERE DYING....
WHO GOT THE JAB?

BUT THAT WAS "ONLY SOME" PEOPLE.

"MOST" PEOPLE WERE "OKAY."

SURE. "MOST" PEOPLE WERE "OKAY."
BUT "SOME" PEOPLE WERE NOT "OKAY."

AND????? DID THE GOV SAY:
"SOME" PEOPLE ARE DYING?

NO?

THEY WANTED ALL OF US TO GET THE JAB.
EVEN IF "SOME" OF US....
"MIGHT" AND "COULD" DIE.

AND????? DIDN'T TELL US!!!!!

LETTING US THINK: IT'S 100% SAFE FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!
WAS IT? WAS MY POINT.

WAS THE GOV TELLING US IT WAS????????
OR WASN'T???????

WHAT WAS THE GOV TELLING US?
WHAT DID THE GOV WANT US TO THINK, AND WHY?

That is what I was saying... 

BUT.... THAT IS "SCARY"
THAT I THINK LIKE THIS.

OKAY.

SCARY THAT IT WASN'T "100% SAFE."
MAYBE IT WAS LIKE "80%" OR LESS THAN THAT.

BUT NOT 100%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO IF THE GOV WAS SAYING IT WAS........
AND WANTED US TO THINK IT WAS.....

BECAUSE IF WE KNEW IT WASN'T.....
MANY PEOPLE WOULD REFUSE TO GET IT.

AND EVEN THE PEOPLE WHO DID REFUSE TO GET IT....

HOW ARE THEY TREATED?

"SCARY THAT YOU THINK LIKE THIS."

THAT'S HOW THEY ARE TREATED.

"I CAN'T BE YOUR FRIEND."

OKAY. 

BUT IF THE POINT HAS TO BE MADE, FINE.
AND IF I MAKE THAT POINT... 

I'M "SCARY" FOR DOING IT.

BUT ARE THE LIBS GOING TO DO IT? NO?
WHY NOT?

WHY? DO YOU KNOW WHY?
IF YOU DO, YOU'LL KNOW WHY THEY DID ANY OF IT.

WHY THEY ARE DOING WHAT THEY ARE DOING NOW.
AND WHY THEY WILL KEEP DOING WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN DOING.

IF THE TRUTH "LOOKS AND SOUNDS BAD."
WOULD THEY TELL IT?

WOULD THEY WANT IT ON THE "NEWS"?

THE MEDIA IS CENSORED.
I'D BE CENSORED, TOO.

THAT'S WHY I HARDLY EVER.... TALK ABOUT.... THESE THINGS.
BUT WHEN I DO.....

I GET ROASTED OR.... GET TOLD.... 
I'M XYZ....
AND THEY EVEN END OUR "FRIENDSHIP"
OVER IT.

BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT.

WHY IS $12B "MISSING" FROM THE CPP?
IS THERE A REASON THAT IT IS?
IS THERE A REASON THAT IT IS ALLOWED TO BE?
WHO IS ALLOWING IT?

WHERE IS THE MONEY GOING?

SURE!!!! I GET WANTING TO BELIEVE
THE BEST IN SOMEONE.

BUT BEING "UNWILLING" TO SEE SOME THINGS...
BECAUSE OF WHO IS SAYING IT... 

"I COULD NEVER BELIEVE THE GOV WOULD LIE..."
OKAY.

THAT THE GOV WOULD DO XYZ.....
AND THAT XYZ COULD HARM THE COUNTRY... 

LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY.... 

IF THE COUNTRY IS DOING POORLY....
WHAT WOULD THAT POINT TO?
LEADERSHIP?

OUR DOLLAR... IS UNDER 70 CENTS RIGHT NOW.
WHY?

IT'S NOT "TRUMP'S FAULT" FOR MOST OF OUR SH*T!!!!!!!!!
IT'S OUR SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT THEIRS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF HE WANTS TO FK UP HIS COUNTRY... THEY CAN ENJOY THAT.

BUT.... SOME PEOPLE THINK.....
THAT'S WHAT IS HAPPENING IN OUR COUNTRY....
IS "OKAY."

SEVERAL THINGS ARE NOT "OKAY."

BUT THEY WANT TO LOOK AT TRUMP??????????

HOW DOES TRUMP HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH
WHAT HAPPENS IN OUR COUNTRY
THAT OUR GOV IS DOING
AND NOT DOING?????????

ONLY OUR GOV HAS A SAY IN THAT.
NOT TRUMP.

DOES TRUMP HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH OUR HOUSING MINISTRY?
OUR HEALTH MINISTRY?

OUR OTHER MINISTRIES?

NO?

SO WHY DOES OUR GOV WANT US TO FOCUS ON TRUMP??????
SO THAT WE FOCUS ON HIM!
NOT THEM!

"LOOK AT TRUMP WHILE WE XYZ."
"LOOK AT THE CONSERVATIVES WHILE WE XYZ."
"LOOK AT THE HOMELESSNESS WHILE WE XYZ."

SO THAT NOBODY LOOKS AT THEM
WHILE THEY XYZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOW MUCH MONEY MOVED DURING COVID?
JUST FOR THE VACCINES....?

WHY WOULD ANYONE BE PAYING ATTENTION TO THAT????
THEY WOULDN'T BE!!!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE???????
WHAT WERE THEY LOOKING AT???????
WHAT THEY WERE TOLD TO LOOK AT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OTHERWISE? THEY MIGHT HAVE REALIZED?????
OTHER THINGS WERE GOING ON?????

IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO GET THE JAB "FOR WORK"
WHY WAS MY DR TRYING TO GET ME TO GET IT?
EVEN AFTER TELLING HER I DIDN'T WANT IT?

BECAUSE????? I WAS EXPECTED TO GET IT!!!!!!
TO EVEN WANT TO GET IT!!!!!!!!!!

WAS IT FAIR THAT A 17-YEAR-OLD KID.....
GOT IT ONLY BECAUSE HE WANTED TO PLAY HOCKEY?????
AND DIED 3 DAYS LATER?

BECAUSE IT WASN'T 100% SAFE??????
LIKE HE WAS TOLD THAT IT WAS??????????

WAS THAT CRAP THEY USED TO SPRAY ON KIDS SAFE?????

I'LL LOOK FOR THAT..... DDT.

THEY SPRAYED IT ON KIDS!
SAID IT WAS SAFE!

WAS IT?

WHAT IS KIND OF FUNNY TO ME....
IS SOMEONE COULD TELL ME....
THEY HAVE TRUST ISSUES....
BUT THEY WILL TRUST THE GOV 100%.

BECAUSE THEY ARE CONVINCED THAT THEY CAN!

AND IF THEY ARE CONVINCED THAT THEY CAN......
WHAT SENSE WOULD I MAKE?
IF I SAID.... "YOU MIGHT WANT TO THINK ABOUT THAT."

ARE WE ACTUALLY "SAFE"?
OR DO WE HAVE AN ILLUSION OF "SAFETY"?

THE SAME QUESTION TO THE LIBS.
WOULD THEY ADMIT THEIR LIB LEADER WAS WRONG?
ABOUT ANYTHING?

YES OR NO?

DID I BACK MIKE HARRIS?
JUST BECAUSE HE'S A CONSERVATIVE?

NO!

PRETTY SURE I DIDN'T VOTE FOR THE GUY.

AND EVEN IF I HAD.....

THE WALKERTON WATER "SCANDAL" WAS BIG ENOUGH
TO SAY..... THAT WAS FKD UP.

WILL LIBS LOOK AT LIB SCANDALS AND SAY:
THAT WAS FKD UP?????

OR WILL THEY TRY TO JUSTIFY IT?????
TO ME OR ANYONE ELSE SAYING IT'S FKD UP?????

"NOT A CREDIBLE SOURCE BECAUSE ONLY XYZ ARE CREDIBLE"?

SAYS WHO????? THE LIBS!!!!!!

WHY WOULD THEY SAY THAT??????
SO THAT YOU "THINK"
THAT ANYTHING OTHER THAN THAT.....
IS "MISINFORMATION."

SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING SIMILAR....
TO WHAT TRUMP IS DOING.

BUT LET'S "TRUST" THEM ANYWAY!

So now.... Let me tell you about being told
THAT I COULDN'T EAT AT THE MALL'S
FOOD COURT....

BECAUSE I WASN'T VACCINATED.
WITH THE COVID JAB.

EVEN IF I HAD BEEN....
I NEEDED TO SHOW PROOF THAT I HAD BEEN!

ON A PHONE I DIDN'T HAVE!

BECAUSE "EVERYONE" IS SUPPOSED TO HAVE A CELL PHONE!
AND USE THE APPS THE GOV WANTS YOU TO USE....

EVEN THE OMISH!
EVEN MENNONITES!

DID YOU HEAR WHAT THEY ARE DOING TO THEM?

PUTTING LEINS ON THEIR HOMES??????
OVER A FKN APP THAT THEY AREN'T GOING TO USE?
BECAUSE THEY DON'T USE
THAT TECH?????

PUTTING THEM INTO DEBT OVER IT???????

THEY ARE SERIOUSLY DOING THAT!!!!!

BUT WILL THAT BE ON THE NEWS????????

WILL THE LIBS SAY:
"YES, WE ARE DOING THIS TO THEM"?

NO????? BECAUSE IT IS DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TO DO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!
TO EVEN WANT TO DO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YET????? THEY ARE DOING THAT!!!!!!!!!!!

AND TELLING ME THAT I'M THE ONE
WHO NEEDS TO LOOK AT SCIENCE
AND TO INVESTIGATE.

ARE THEY?
TO FIND OUT WHY PEOPLE WERE GETTING SICK?
AT ALL?

IF IT WAS "SUPPOSED TO BE" 100% SAFE FOR EVERYONE?

OR DYING???????

AND WHY WEREN'T THEY TELLING US????????

THE FINDINGS.... OF THE ALLISON INQUIRY.....
WAS THE GOVERNMENT THE ONES.....
TELLING PEOPLE????? ABOUT THAT?????
OR WERE THEY THE ONES.....
MAKING MANDATES!

AND TO SAY THERE WERE NOT ANY MANDATES.....
ABOUT THAT.... IS "SCARY" TO ME.

AND YET DESPITE THAT....
I WASN'T JUDGING THE PERSON
WHO HAS THOSE BELIEFS.

JUST MAYBE THE REASONS
THEY HAVE THEM.

AS THEY SHOULD BE, TOO.

Even if the truth is DIRTY AND UGLY....
I'D STILL RATHER KNOW IT
THAN BELIEVE A LIE.

Even if the lie was SO GOOD....
THAT I BELIEVED IT FOR YEARS AND YEARS!

YOU THINK I HAVEN'T LIED TO MYSELF, EVEN?
SHOULD I..... NOT LOOK AT THOSE REASONS, TOO?

SHOULDN'T YOU?
YOUR OWN REASONS?
FOR LYING TO YOURSELF?

What if..... People were literally being gaslit...
TO GASLIGHT THEMSELVES?

IF THEY WERE.... WOULD THEY KNOW
THAT THEY WERE?

OR IF THEY WERE?

WOULD THEY KNOW?

What if.... People had been gaslighting themselves for YEARS?
WITHOUT REALIZING THEY WERE DOING IT?

WOULD THEY KNOW THEY WERE DOING IT?
TO THEMSELVES?
IF THEY WERE DOING IT?

WOULD THEY KNOW WHY THEY WERE DOING IT?

OR WOULD THEY JUST DO IT?
AND KEEP DOING IT?

What if..... People who were gaslighting themselves
WERE SO GOOD AT DOING IT....
THAT THEY REFUSE TO BELIEVE
THAT THEY WOULD EVER
DO THAT TO THEMSELVES??????

THEN WHAT?

WOULDN'T THAT BE "SCARY"?

AND IF I TOLD YOU.....
THAT SOME PEOPLE.....
ACTUALLY DO IT.....
WITHOUT EVER REALIZING IT.....

WOULD YOU TRY TO GASLIGHT ME ABOUT IT?

TO TRY TO CONVINCE ME THAT I'M "SCARY"
FOR EVER BRINGING IT UP?

TO EVEN "THINK LIKE THAT"
THAT PEOPLE GASLIGHT THEMSELVES....
WAS EVER A "POSSIBILITY" AT ALL?

BUT WAS I "SUPPOSED TO" THINK JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE?
JUST LIKE THEY WANT ME TO?

OR?

WAS I SUPPOSED TO THINK FOR MYSELF?

WHICH WOULD YOU RATHER?

BE TOLD HOW TO THINK?
OR THINK ABOUT HOW YOU THINK?
AND WHY YOU THINK LIKE THAT? 

Not Used To It

One thing I'm not used to....
Is getting thousands of views.

NOT used to that.

I don't know how that happened. 
How it "blew up" like that. 

Wasn't expecting that, and I'm not used to it.

Not really used to compatibility, either.

I stood by my beliefs and tried to explain them.
TO SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT I WAS SAYING AND WHY.

AND THAT IS OKAY.

I can't expect people to think the way I do.
Or to understand what I'm saying and why.

OR WANT TO BE FRIENDS
IF I DIDN'T THINK LIKE THEM.

I even explained that OTHERS did the same thing.
OVER THE SAME THING.

And what am I supposed to do?
GET MAD? LOL. NO.

I'M JUST... OKAY WITH IT.

OTHERWISE... IF PEOPLE CAN'T TAKE ME
WITH HONESTY, 
THAT IS OKAY.

WITH ME.

I can wish people well, 
and he wished me well. 

Hoped it wouldn't come to that, but I'm okay with that.

That was his choice to make.
And I'm going to be okay, anyway. 

I'd rather KNOW that we have DIFFERENCES
NOW, THAN LATER.

Better for me, better for them.
Just... Better.

Do I dislike him because he thinks differently?
No. 

We were supposed to just be ourselves, but that's okay.

I'm glad that he told me. Just that.

Not angry, just... Okay.
Accepting that.

How could I not?
Being angry about that would be ridiculous. 

I would rather honesty and to be honest.
Which I was, and he was... 

Could I ask for more than that?
No, I can't, really.

Just that IF what I was saying IS TRUE....
THAN PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T UNDERSTAND ME
STILL CHOSE TO PUSH ME AWAY...

BUT THAT IS STILL OKAY WITH ME.

Just.... THIS SEEMS TO HAPPEN
WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE
DIFFERENT BELIEFS THAN MINE.

AND I HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH THAT.

BETTER TO KNOW NOW.
THAN OTHER TIMES WHEN I WAS 
INVESTED IN THE FRIENDSHIP....

LIKE WITH MY FRIEND OF 15 YEARS...

THAT WAS 15 YEARS OF MY LIFE, THOUGH.
SOMEONE I TRUSTED.

I'm not mad that he doesn't see ME.
And can only see some things about me. 

SHOULD I BE MAD ABOUT THAT?

TWO FRIENDS ENDED THEIR FRIENDSHIPS WITH ME
RECENTLY.

ONE BECAUSE HE WANTED TO DATE 
AND I DIDN'T.

AND HE DIDN'T EVEN GET TO KNOW ME AT ALL.
HIS INTENTION WAS TO JUST DATE.

MINE WASN'T.
IT WAS TO GET TO KNOW HIM.

And this time, over different beliefs. 

I didn't want to get into an argument about it.
But that's kinda what happened.

And I can't "convince" anyone to "see" what I'm saying.
And WHY I'm saying it.

Convincing isn't something I'd even do well if I were trying to.

All I can do is just be myself, really. 

And that's pretty much all I can do. 

Just like others can pretty much only be themselves. 

Just would be nice to be myself
EVEN IF I HAVE DIFFERENT BELIEFS.
FOR SPECIFIC REASONS. 

WITHOUT THAT "THREATENING"
OR "ENDING"
MY "FRIENDSHIPS."

That would be nice, but it isn't to be, and that is okay.

It's kinda disappointing, but I guess to be expected. 
At this point. 

Well... I don't know why it "surprised" me before.
Maybe because I didn't expect that to happen...

Let alone keep happening.

It'd be cool if two adults could still find some common ground. 

But sometimes that doesn't happen, and that is okay.

Really though... How can I not accept that? I have to anyway.
But it's better to be able to AND have to.

Not everyone is going to think like I do.
That is okay.

Everyone is allowed to think what and how they'd like to. 
Including me. 

If I have NO value to someone
BECAUSE I think differently than they do....

That is okay. 
They think that.
They can.

I CAN HAVE VALUE TO SOMEONE ELSE.
I AM OKAY WITH THAT.

BETTER TO KNOW NOW.

OPPOSE TO 15 YEARS FROM NOW.

THAT WOULD BE... STILL OKAY....
JUST WOULD HAVE BEEN....

HOW THAT WAS, AT THAT TIME.

BUT I'M OKAY WITH THAT, ALSO.

HE HAD A CHOICE, TOO. 
ABOUT ME.

ABOUT MY VALUE AS A PERSON
TO HIM, TOO. 

I can release people who don't want to be there.
FOR ANY REASON.

Because nobody says they have to be.

If they want to be, they want to be.
If they don't, they don't. 

I was hoping that it wouldn't come to that; it did.
That is okay.

Why would it not?

I'm not angry. Not at all. 
There's nothing to be angry about. Not at all. 

That's just.... That. 

If it was supposed to be, it would just be.
Easily.
And that is that.

I don't really have the ability to change those things.

WHO AM I TO CHANGE THEIR MINDS?
ABOUT THEIR OWN THOUGHTS
EVEN ABOUT ME?

BEEN PRETTY EXHAUSTING. 

Trying to explain things is... Tiring at times. 

So then? I can move on. 

Just that sometimes....
Some people... Push me away....
To see how I would REACT to that.

And if I react well to it?

When they think I'll beg to stay or something?

Not sure...

Sometimes they say: REJECTION IS PROTECTION.

Maybe being pushed away is a push in another direction. 

Somewhere else. Isn't that okay?

But most minimize what I say. 
Not sure why they do it.

And then dismiss it and dismiss ME.

It's happened a lot this year. Many times.

Just another adjustment, I guess.

Does everyone have to want to be or stay? No?

JUST TO KNOW ME AS A PERSON?

No, they don't. Not at all.

And that is okay.

Nobody has to.

Would it be cool if I could have REALLY BEEN ME?
WITHOUT THAT HAPPENING?
YET AGAIN?

But... I'm just going to... Recover from those times. 
They sting sometimes, but that's about it.

Especially when I was hoping XYZ
Wouldn't happen. 

But it could have been worse. 

WE DIDN'T LET EACH OTHER ALL THE WAY IN.
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN WORSE.

Would have stung more.

Like when that dude who I thought was my friend....
15 years into our friendship....

DECIDED HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE FRIENDS
SUDDENLY.

Without a warning or conversation 
or anything.

UNEXPECTED. AFTER 15 YEARS.

YOU'D THINK AFTER 15 YEARS
YOU WOULDN'T BE EXPECTING THAT.

RIGHT?

TWICE, BY THE WAY.

So I had to handle it very calmly.
By just accepting it and moving on.

KEEPING THE MEMORIES.

AND MOVING ON. FROM HIM AND FROM THAT.

FROM THAT TIME OF MY LIFE.

I had thought we were GOOD FRIENDS, EVEN.
SURPRISE TO FIND OUT OTHERWISE.

I thought he VALUED ME AS A FRIEND!
HE SHOWED ME HE DIDN'T.
AND IT MADE ME HAVE TO QUESTION....
IF HE EVER DID.

OVER THOSE 15 YEARS.... 

Y'KNOW?

I had a bad dream one night... 
That one of my friends
TOLD ME THAT HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE FRIENDS ANYMORE.

AND THAT ALL I COULD DO WAS WISH HIM WELL.

AND I WOKE UP PRETTY SAD...

BECAUSE I KNEW I'D MISS HIM.

EVEN THOUGH WE HAVEN'T BEEN
IN EACH OTHER'S LIVES VERY LONG... 

AND WE DON'T KNOW EACH OTHER SUPER WELL, 
BUT I THINK WE CONNECTED AT LEAST AT SOME LEVEL.

WE HAD SOME GOOD TALKS.

HE IS VERY WISE, ACTUALLY.
ALWAYS TREATED ME LIKE A PERSON. 

THAT MATTERS TO ME.

I'm thankful for that.
Not everyone does.

THAT'S VERY RARE.

Anyway, I told him I had that dream.
He said that it was probably a spirit taking my energy
through that dream. 

If he does choose to end our friendship, too, 
I'd have to accept that also.

I would probably miss him, 
but as long as he is happy and well in his life, 
that's all I can hope for.

Well, I can wish him well beyond that, but it would mostly be that.

Sometimes I do get sad. When some things don't turn out how I had hoped, 
but really, I don't have much control over that. 

I mostly hope to be seen for ME, not my beliefs, not anything about me...
JUST ME.

I mostly hope to see other people for THEM.
I mostly hope to be allowed to just be ME.

I mostly hope that they can be THEM, WITH ME.

I mostly hope we can BE PEOPLE.
And treat each other as FRIENDS.

With trust and regard.

There are times I wonder if... Some people push me away...
TO SEE IF I'D "BREAK" WITHOUT THEM.

And then when I don't... Sometimes they get mad.
Not sure why.

But their choice to do it.
That was their choice. 

Anyone can choose to let go
and if they do, they do.

I can do that, too, because they did.

Not because I wanted to; they wanted me to.
Or they would still be there.

GETTING TO KNOW ME.
AS A PERSON.

BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT ME TO BE RIGHT
ABOUT SOMETHING.

OR SOME OTHER "REASON."

DO I WANT TO BE RIGHT ABOUT THAT?
NO?

I DON'T ACTUALLY.

I WISH I DIDN'T KNOW SOME OF THE THINGS I KNOW
SO THAT I COULD DENY THEM TOO.

BECAUSE HOW COULD I BELIEVE SOMETHING
THAT I DIDN'T KNOW?

I COULDN'T.

THEY CAN'T EITHER.

I KNOW THIS.

SO IT'S OKAY.

How would they know if they haven't even thought about it?

COULD THEY HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT IT?

THEY CAN'T, REALLY....

BECAUSE IF THEY DID THINK ABOUT IT....
FROM WHICH VIEW ARE THEY LOOKING AT IT?

A VIEW THAT CONFLICTS WITH IT?

THEN? WHAT DO THEY SEE?

NOT THE SAME AS I SEE.
ONLY WHAT THEY SEE.
AND CAN SEE.
IS WHAT THEY SEE.

I have to EXPECT THAT.

GOING IN, EACH TIME.

Even if I hope that THIS TIME....
I MIGHT GET TO..... JUST BE ME.

FINALLY.

BUT THAT ONLY LASTS UNTIL XYZ.

If I even get to... Just be ME.

It would be nice... Just that.
ONE DAY.

FINALLY.

Sometimes I wonder why I try.
IN MANY REGARDS.

IS IT BECAUSE I ACTUALLY CARED?
ENOUGH TO?

THAT AND OTHER THINGS?

I do know that people will see things HOW they do.
Everything.

How we LOOK AT things.... That's how we'll SEE it.

There are some things I'll bring up another time.
Because I don't want it to be about that.

BECAUSE IF SOMEONE ELSE SAYS IT, OKAY.
BUT IF I DO?

EASY TO DISMISS IT!
COMING FROM ME.

ALWAYS.

But that is okay....

BECAUSE I WOULD LIKE TO BE WRONG
ABOUT THOSE THINGS.

But... Most people who believe in that direction....
DO IT FOR THEIR REASONS.

AND CHOOSE THAT OVER ALL ELSE.

AND USUALLY OVER OUR FRIENDSHIP.

WHICH IS WEIRD.

BUT OKAY.

It is weird when they choose FALSE REPRESENTATION
OVER OUR FRIENDSHIP.... 

BUT? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY ABOUT THAT?

TO ANYONE?

WHO CHOOSES TO?
WHEN THEY ARE ALLOWED TO?

ANYTHING?

WOULD THEY HAVE CONSIDERED ANYTHING?
NO? THEY WEREN'T?
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT TO?

OKAY THEN! DIDN'T WANT TO!

WAS OUR FRIENDSHIP WORTH CONSIDERING?
I GUESS NOT.

IF IT WASN'T, TO THEM, IT WASN'T. OKAY.

GOOD TO KNOW, RIGHT?

ISN'T IT?
I THINK SO.

Look at it this way...
Some things are always good to know!

That's one of them.

And... Even in a FRIENDSHIP...
COMPATIBILITY IS A THING.

BUT I TRIED TO AT LEAST OPEN UP ABOUT IT.
RIGHT?

BECAUSE I THOUGHT I COULD?

I DON'T LIKE TO, BECAUSE OF THAT.

EVEN THOUGH SOMETIMES, I WISH I ACTUALLY COULD.
NOT USED TO IT.

Usually When...

It's usually when SOMEONE ELSE
TREATS THEM
THE EXACT SAME WAY
THAT THEY TREATED ME...

THAT THEY EVEN....
START TO....
"UNDERSTAND"
WHAT THAT SH*T....
WAS LIKE....
FOR ME.

This ties into the last posts....
Because only RACISTS WOULD UNDERSTAND RACISM
IF THEY WERE BEING TREATED
THE EXACT SAME WAY
THEY TREATED SOMEONE ELSE.

IF WHITE KIDS WERE B*ATEN TO D*ATH
FOR JUST BEING WHITE.

THEY WOULD UNDERSTAND IT THEN.
THEY WOULD SEE THAT AS "UNJUST."

If white people were getting l*nched.
FOR JUST BEING WHITE....

THEY MIGHT UNDERSTAND IT THEN.
RIGHT?

IF PEOPLE...... GET TREATED.....
THE WAY THEY TREATED ME.....
BY SOMEONE THEY THOUGHT
WAS LOYAL TO THEM.....

LIKE I THOUGHT THEY WERE LOYAL TO ME....
THEN.... THEY *MIGHT* GET IT.

IF THEY DO OR NOT... 
IS NONE OF MY CONCERN.

Would it have been COOL had they gotten it?
WHEN I WAS RIGHT THERE?

SURE.

But why should I have to wait 12 years...?

Why should I have to wait for someone
TO TREAT THEM THE WAY THEY TREATED ME????

FOR THEM TO THINK:
"THIS IS HOW A*** FELT WHEN I DID THAT TO HER."

When I treated her like I thought she was "stupid."
OR NOT WORTHY OF DECENCY.
OR HONESTY....

OR BASIC RESPECT.

OR WASN'T "GOOD ENOUGH" FOR ME.

WASN'T "HOT ENOUGH" FOR ME.
WASN'T "RICH ENOUGH" FOR ME.

OR WASN'T WHATEVER TF I VALUED
MORE THAN JUST....

HAVING HER IN MY LIFE...
AS A PERSON.

WHO ONCE CARED.

WHO ONCE TRIED.

CARED "ENOUGH" TO TRY.
EVEN THAT.

If ALL I wanted was superficial sh*t......
I'd be chasing superficial sh*t!!!!!!!!!!!!

Because that superficial sh*t
would "matter" to me.

It doesn't.

So why chase it?
Why want it?

IF IT DOESN'T MATTER, IT DOESN'T!

People try to justify things about me....
Like assumptions...

They can do that if they want to....

But they have to realize that their assumptions
ABOUT ME....

ARE ASSUMPTIONS.

THEY COULD JUST?????? ASK!
IF THEY WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING.....

INSTEAD OF THINKING THAT THEY DO!

And what can I even DO about... 
THEM THINKING THEY KNOW SOMETHING?

WRITE? 
WRITE THE ACTUAL FACTS?

AND MAYBE.... IF THEY READ IT.....
THEY MIGHT THINK.

THAT IS ABOUT ALL THAT I CAN DO.

I CAN GIVE PEOPLE WHO DO THINK....
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT... 

THINGS THAT I THINK ABOUT... 

BUT??? WHAT ELSE?
LITTLE TO NOTHING?

SPIN MY WHEELS?
GRIND MY OWN GEARS?

WISH? HOPE?

That they might SEE something I was pointing at?

OR TALKING ABOUT?
WHEN THEY DIDN'T WANT TO LISTEN?
OR CARE ENOUGH TO HEAR ME?
THE FIRST TIME I WAS SAYING IT?

So then??? I put it in WRITING.

WRITING HASN'T FAILED ME.
IN THE WAYS MANY PEOPLE HAVE.

WAS IT DISAPPOINTING? YEAH?
AGGRAVATING? YEAH?

NOT JUST THAT, THOUGH.
DISHEARTENING, AT TIMES!

TO BE FAILED BY PEOPLE... 
WHO DIDN'T HAVE ANY REAL REASONS TO!

BUT... THEY FAIL THEMSELVES.
SO WHY WOULDN'T THEY FAIL ME?

Did I fail myself? Yeah, I did.
I know what it's like to sabotage myself. 

I had to learn what it took to support myself
IN MANY WAYS.

MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY...
THOSE ARE IMPORTANT.

In my 20s... I thought the way that I thought.
About the things that I thought about.

Most of it is actually on here.
All the things I lamented about.

The ruts I was stuck in....
Were mostly... Caused by.....
And fueled by... My mentality.

Even certain ruts I've been in.... Also.
Lately... 

Not that my current mentality is "stellar"
OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT...

But... Maybe... It's a bit better....
Than it used to be.

Regarding some things, especially.

Because if I had the mentality I used to have.....
I'd still be thinking about the same things
in the exact same ways.

And getting the exact same "results," if any.

Have I gotten "some" results? Yeah.
The ones I wanted? Not exactly.

One of my friends... 
He was saying... 
"Apparently what I want is too much to ask for."

In general, he doesn't want anything from me.

So I told him that wanting what we want is one thing, 
BUT WE HAVE TO BE CAREFUL WHAT WE WISH FOR.

There was a kids' show I used to watch as a kid.... 

Doesn't matter what it is called. I remember, but it doesn't matter.

The plot of the show was about a group of kids in a "club"
Took turns telling each other "stories" around a "campfire."

The "stories" were the episodes.

You might know what show I'm talking about... 
Just based on that... 

And around the time I was a kid...
What shows were "popular" on TV for kids... 

Anyway... 

One of the episodes... The story....
Some kids got a "monkey's paw" or something
that was supposed to grant them wishes...

But each wish that they wished for.....
There was "something" wrong with it.

Like they'd get the wish, but not the way they wanted.

When I was dating... It wasn't.... What I had wished for.

Whatever it was... That made me want to date...
Wasn't something I could "fulfill" by dating.

When I realized that.... Dating... Didn't seem "important"
as it once seemed to me, years ago.

And if I couldn't "fulfill" that by dating...
MAYBE IT WASN'T DATING THAT EVER WOULD.

DATING... WAS... A LOT OF REJECTION....
A LOT OF WASTED TIME...
EFFORT...

Did I learn some things? From those experiences?
YES, I DID.

MOSTLY, ABOUT MYSELF.
AND THOSE THINGS... I'M GLAD I LEARNED.

MAYBE I MIGHT NOT HAVE LEARNED THOSE THINGS
IN OTHER WAYS
OTHER THAN THE WAYS THAT I LEARNED THEM.

MAYBE, MAYBE NOT.
RIGHT?

The point was... I had to learn somehow.
It was either I was going to learn, or I wasn't. 

It was either I wanted to, or I didn't. 

Maybe I didn't want to learn in the ways that I did.... 
Fine... Maybe that... 

ESPECIALLY THE WAYS THAT WEREN'T
FUN OR NICE, OR COOL....

BUT? CERTAIN THINGS... 

Maybe I'm "better off" for having learned.
DESPITE ANY WAY THAT I LEARNED THEM.

EVEN THE WAYS THAT WERE NOT FUN...
OR NICE, OR COOL.

And... Writing about those things....
ISN'T HURTING ANYONE.

ESPECIALLY IF SOMEONE CAN LEARN SOMETHING
FROM THE THINGS THAT I LEARNED.

WITHOUT HAVING TO LEARN THOSE THINGS....
IN THE WAYS THAT I DID.

BECAUSE IT WASN'T FUN OR NICE....
OR COOL.

About dating... IN GENERAL... 
NOT JUST ABOUT THE OPPOSITE S*X.

ABOUT MYSELF AND WHERE I WAS AT...
MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY....

HONESTLY.

But to say.... Things like....
Certain cultures.... Prioritize....
Certain things...

COULD BE CONSIDERED "RACIST."

BECAUSE THE CULTURE.... 
IS USUALLY TIED TO THE "RACE"
OF THAT CULTURE.

WHEN THE ISSUE IS....
THE THINGS THAT THE CULTURE
PRIORITIZES
AND WHY.

NOT ABOUT "RACE"
OR "NATIONALITY."

IT'S ABOUT....
THE PRIORITIZATION.....
OF CERTAIN THINGS....
AND WHY.

BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I SEE.

I SEE "PEOPLE"
"PRIORITIZING"
CERTAIN THINGS....

WHEN THEY COULD BE....

PRIORITIZING....
CERTAIN OTHER THINGS.

DOES PRIORITIZATION
HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH "RACE"
OR "NATIONALITY"?

OR DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH....
THE MENTALITY
AND "REASONING"
BEHIND "PRIORITIZING" IT?

EVEN IF WHITE PEOPLE
ARE PRIORITIZING BEING FKTARDS.... 

THAT!!!!! THAT!!!!! 
IS WHAT THEY ARE PRIORITIZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DO THEY HAVE TO PRIORITIZE THAT?
OR???? COULD THEY.....
PRIORITIZE DOING THE RIGHT THINGS
FOR THE RIGHT REASONS??????

DO WE HAVE TO BE A SPECIFIC "RACE"
TO DO THAT?

OR COULD WE..... AS A HUMAN RACE....
JUST DO THAT?

DO WE NEED TO BE TAUGHT....
BY SOME INTERGALACTIC "RACE"
HOW TO BE BETTER AS HUMANS?

MAYBE THEY DON'T WANT TO WASTE THEIR TIME
TRYING TO TEACH US THINGS
THAT SHOULDN'T BE HARD
TO UNDERSTAND.

WOULD YOU?
PROBABLY NOT.

I'm not writing about these things to teach anything to anyone.
I'M NOT A TEACHER.
I'M NOT A PREACHER.

I'M A FKN "NOBODY."
RANDOM PERSON ON THE INTERNET.

JUST A WRITER, IF EVEN THAT. 

Even so.... It's not about ME saying it.
It's about SAYING IT.

IF IT NEEDS TO BE SAID.
AND "UNDERSTOOD."

But sometimes WORDS aren't "enough"
TO CONVEY CERTAIN THINGS....

THAT NEED TO BE "CONVEYED."

Still trying to figure out....
What would be "enough."

To convey those things... 

Because certain points could be made....
That probably should be made.

So that certain things could be understood....

If that.