Not Everyone Can

It's wild to me how people PROJECT onto me... 
And hate on me... For what? IDK.

It's also wild how dudes LIE and HIDE THINGS from me.
As though I wasn't going to find out.

I'm not interested in being with someone
WHO WOULD RISK IT
AND RISK ME
FOR SOME BS.

Wild how when they try to "take advantage of me"
I FKN FEEL THAT.
I KNOW.

WHEN I'M BEING KEPT LIKE A SECRET, I FEEL THAT SH*T, TOO.

THAT'S BEEN A FEW TIMES.

LIKE.... HOW ARE THEY GOING TO....
TRY TO HIDE....
A WHOLE RELATIONSHIP FROM ME?

SOMETIMES, I WANT TO SEE JUST HOW FAR....
THEY ACTUALLY WANT TO GO WITH IT.

IT SUCKS THAT THEY ACTUALLY WANT TO TAKE IT THERE.....
WHY? IDK.

THEY PUSH ME AWAY.... TO TRY TO GET ME BACK?

WHY?

IF YOU'RE GOING TO DO THAT SH*T...... 
JUST FKN GO AWAY! FK DO I NEED THAT FOR?

IF YOU PUSH ME AWAY..... 
JUST LET ME "GO" TOWARDS SOMEONE
WHO WOULDN'T DO ANY OF THAT BS TO ME.

NOT THAT I'M GOING TOWARDS ANYONE.
BUT IF I WANTED TO....
I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO!

I SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO!
FFS!

Do they consider that? No?

Why do that sh*t at all? I wish I knew!

I think I go through some sh*t to learn to get through it.
Because I know that not everyone goes through this sh*t.

It used to bug tf out of me that I was....
AND OTHER PEOPLE LIVE NORMAL LIVES.

"Don't give them the stick to hurt you with."
Whether the stick is even your heart.
Or info.

BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU HAPPY!
ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY AREN'T!

THEY'LL TRY TO "MAKE" YOU MISERABLE....
JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE!

WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?
JUST TO DO IT?

JEALOUS PEOPLE DO NOT WANT OTHER PEOPLE
TO BE HAPPY OR EMOTIONALLY FULFILLED.

THEY DON'T.

It's fkd up.

I saw a video of two chicks on the down escalator.
A dude on the up escalator tried to give one of the chicks roses.

A big girl got MAD and took them and threw them.
AND FLIPPED THEM OFF.

She didn't want the other girl to get the roses.

EVEN THOUGH IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH HER!

SHE GOT JEALOUS.

It's weird, though... "I have ANXIETY! I HAVE TO RUN AWAY!"

THEN FKN TALK ABOUT IT! DON'T BE A FKN B*TCH!

"I HAVE A FEAR OF INTIMACY... I BETTER RUN AWAY!"

THEN? TALK? ABOUT? IT?!

ARE WE NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK?
ABOUT THOSE THINGS AND OTHER THINGS? 

THOUGHT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO.

IT'S ONE THING TO FEEL "OVERWHELMED"
OR WHATEVER TF.....

BUT FKN USE YOUR WORDS..... AND.... SAY.... THAT.

DON'T TRY TO PUT THAT SH*T ON ME.

There were times I felt all kinds of things....
BUT WAS IT UP TO ME TO SAY SOMETHING?
AND DID I?
WHEN I WAS P*SSED OFF?
FOR BEING PUSHED AWAY CONSTANTLY?

FOR WHAT?

IT WASN'T JUST PUSHING ME AWAY....

IT WAS THAT THEY PUSHED ME AWAY....
AS SOON AS I FELT ANY WAY ABOUT THE BS
RIGHT BEFORE THEY DID THAT SH*T.

NOT BEFORE, RIGHT AFTER.

IF THEY COULD HAVE HAD AN ACTUAL
"HEART TO HEART" WITH ME....
I WOULD HAVE LISTENED.

EVEN AS P*SSED AS I'VE BEEN....
I WOULD HAVE.

BUT.... IT'S NOT EVEN CLOSE TO....
WHAT I'D NEED TO ACTUALLY SEE FROM THEM
TO BELIEVE THEY ARE FOR REAL.

AND AFTER 12 YEARS.....
I DESERVE A REAL FKN APOLOGY!!!!!!!!!!!!! FK! 
A REAL ONE! 

NOT "IF THAT HAPPENED...." WTF IS THAT SH*T?
"CLOSE ENOUGH" FK NO.
NOT EVEN! FK THAT!

IN 12 YEARS YOU "CAN'T FIND THE RIGHT WORDS"?
WOW.

DON'T WANT FKN EXCUSES FOR THAT BS....
WHY WOULD I?

WOULD THEY WANT EXCUSES FROM ME?
FOR DOING THAT?
TO THEM?

No? Hmmm.

Are there dudes who are actually MATURE? 
WHO AREN'T ALREADY MARRIED?

CURIOUS. WONDERING. BUT NOT "INTERESTED."

WASN'T JUST HIM, THOUGH! FKERS! 

If I went around doing that sh*t?

AM I SUPPOSED TO READ THEIR MINDS TO KNOW
WHY TF A DUDE IS ACTING LIKE A FKTARD?

MOST OF THE TIME THEY JUST AREN'T FKN MATURE ENOUGH
NOT TO FKN ACT LIKE THAT!

BECAUSE IF THEY WERE, THEY WOULDN'T. 

IT TURNS ME OFF WHEN THEY ARE OLD ENOUGH
NOT TO FKN ACT LIKE THAT, BUT THEY DO!

AND OLDER THAN ME, ACTING LIKE THAT!

DID THEY FORGET WE'RE NOT TEENAGERS ANYMORE?

MAYBE EXPECT A TEENAGER TO ACT LIKE THAT, 
BUT NOT A GROWN "ADULT."

I've just wanted to GIVE TF UP on ever having an actual relationship.
For a while. Mostly, I have.

WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE CRAP?
AT SOME POINT: "THAT'S ENOUGH, FFS."

IT STARTS WITH LITTLE THINGS, AND THEY GET BIGGER AND BIGGER.
FOR THE MOST PART, I BRUSHED OFF LITTLE THINGS....
BUT THEY ADD UP.... OVER TIME....

AND BECAUSE I KEPT BRUSHING SOME OF IT OFF....
"WHY NOT SWEEP EVERYTHING UNDER THE RUG?"
FK NO!
WHY SHOULD I?
JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT ME TO?
FK THAT!

THEN IT'S JUST A RUG ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN.

AND THE MOUNTAIN GETS IGNORED.
AND IF IT FKN BOTHERS ME.... I'M "TOXIC."

OR WHATEVER TF ELSE I AM.... GET IT?

NOTHING IS ALLOWED TO BOTHER ME?
EVEN THINGS THAT SHOULD?
THAT WOULD BOTHER THEM?
COMING FROM ME?

BUT THEY DO NOT SEEM TO SEE....
WHAT IT WOULD LOOK LIKE....
COMING FROM ME!

BECAUSE IT LOOKS THE FKN SAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
COMING FROM THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT DOES!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOW IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND?

HOW?

Some Of The Things

Came across one of my old posts. A photo.
I sometimes cannot fkn believe
HOW SOME DUDES FKN TALK TO AND ACT TOWARD ME.
ESPECIALLY PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW ME!

ALL I DID WAS POST A PIC. THAT'S ALL I FKN DID.

BUT LET'S ALL HATE ON ME FOR JUST FKN DOING THAT.
LIKE I WASN'T FKN ALLOWED TO....
SHOULD HAVE BEEN...
THOUGHT I WAS....
WITHOUT THAT SH*T....
BUT?

WAS I? NO?

I wish I could access my oldest posts in the list.
So that I can revert older posts to drafts.

Just hard to get to them because I have over 5k of them.

That one was in 2008.

Just.... Bugs me....

IT WAS A FKN PICTURE!
ON MY OWN BLOG!

AND I GOT THAT SH*T?

WHY HATE ON ME THAT HARD?
FOR WHAT?

FOR FKN EXISTING I GUESS!

BECAUSE I THOUGHT.....
I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ALLOWED....
TO JUST POST A PIC ON HERE....

HMMM RARELY DO ANYMORE, EH?
WHY IS THAT?

REVERTED AS MANY AS I COULD FIND.

JUST HARD TO ACCESS THE OLDEST POSTS.
TO REVERT THEM.

Just.... Some of the things some dudes say and have said to me.....
WHY TF SAY THAT SH*T?
JUST TO SAY IT?

Or?

It's nuts. I don't know why it rose so high all of a sudden.
Strange indeed. 

Not that I mind... But wondering why...
Not that it matters.

It's been hard to let go of all that sh*t, though.
All of that. It really got to me.
HOW FKN DARE THEY DO ME LIKE THAT?!
WOULD I HAVE DONE THEM LIKE THAT?! NO?
THEN? WHY DO ME LIKE THAT?

They give themselves "reasons" to do that sh*t.

Ever heard of Gypsy Rose?

Her and her lover k*lled her mother.
She is out of prison. She had a baby.
The father of her baby is dead.

She was recorded on a jail call... With him before he died...
I guess before he got out...
About the NIGHTMARE she had with him in it.
IN THE DREAM, SHE ST@BBED HIM.
HE SAID: "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?"
HER: "WELL, YOU WERE CHEATING ON ME."

YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I GOT CHEATED ON?
MANY.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN I "GOT" TO DO ANYTHING TO THEM.
FOR CHEATING ON ME.
OR BECAUSE OF THAT.

ALL IT MEANT: THEY CHEATED ON ME.

THAT'S ALL IT MEANT.

JUST THAT.

THE CAUSE OF DEATH ISN'T RELEASED YET.
I WONDER IF SHE WAS INVOLVED.

NO CONFIRMATION THAT SHE WAS, YET.
ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.
IF SHE WAS OR NOT.

NOTHING OUT ABOUT IT THAT I'VE SEEN YET.

HAPPENED RECENTLY....

I think she had more to do with k*lling her mom than she led on.
If she did have something to do with his death... It wouldn't surprise me.

I need to get some things rolling this month... It's driving me nuts.
I can't keep going this way. 
Juggling is fkn hard sometimes.

Desperate times call for creative measures lol. 

Figuring some things out... Or trying to.
Have to! Or? Lol!

Before Those Ones

Wow. Craziness.
After 22 years? 
I just have a few jumps sometimes.
Just trying to be a "quiet" person. 

I'll show you, because I can hardly believe this:

That number doesn't look real lol.

Was it something I said? LOL.

Anyway... It's just weird.
Just like..... BOOM.

It'll probably go back to "normal" after a while.

I suddenly feel extremely cringey thinking of my past self LOL.

Because that stuff's cringey LOL.

When I needed to get a grip LOL.

Well, sometimes I still do, but not as CRINGEY.

Still blows my mind...
I don't know why there are so many page views suddenly.

I remember back in 2004, and I had 1 or 2 if I was lucky.
Not that it actually matters. It's nice, but it actually shouldn't matter.

Mostly, it was about practicing writing, getting into the habit of writing.
Also to vent hahaha. I've gone on many of tirades.

It's that when I'm "angry," nobody can "seem to understand"
WHY.... I WOULD BE.

EXPLAINING IT.... AND HAVING TO.... IS BS.

A LOT OF BS GETS PEOPLE ANNOYED TO THE POINT OF ANGER.

AND I'D RATHER JUST..... EXPLAIN IT.....
THAN "EXPLODE FOR NO REASON."

BUT APPARENTLY I HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT LIKE THIS.

BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE ONLY "HEAR" LIKE 5% OF WHAT I SAY....
AT BEST.... AND THEN JUDGE ME ON THAT 5%.

WHICH IS FKD TOO.

WHY WOULD A*** BE UPSET?
MAYBE BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T APPRECIATE XYZ...
LIKE CREEPS COMING TO HER DOOR....
AND THEN HER OPINION THAT NOT HAVING SECURITY
IS FKN RIDICULOUS.

THEY ARE WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO HAPPEN.
"WHERE WAS SECURITY?"
"WELP, THEY HAVE TO CALL SECURITY BECAUSE WE'RE THAT CHEAP."

BECAUSE WE ARE THE AFTERTHOUGHTS.
ALL LIVING IN A HUGE AFTERTHOUGHT.
OF A FKN CITY.

GROSS BUT TRUE.

WOULD YOU LOVE BEING A FKN AFTERTHOUGHT?
PROBABLY NOT!

Imagine hearing only 5% of what someone says?
AND JUDGING THEM ON THAT?

That's what happens to me! ALL THE TIME!

And then EXCUSE AFTER EXCUSE FOR THAT SH*T!

WOULDN'T THAT P*SS YOU OFF?

IT GETS TO ME SOMETIMES!