Tried To Sleep

It's been hard to sleep tonight. I tried. A few times. 
I've got knockout pills just in case, but they make me feel gross
when I wake up, so... I just... Haven't been.... Taking those.

It still feels kind of sad... I do, I mean. I'm out of it. 

I was watching a video.... Like usual.
The lady made a point in it.

She said that some dudes think "fixing" something means having s*x.
Like how they "resolve" something is by s*x.

I DON'T "RESOLVE" THINGS THAT WAY.
WHAT ACTUALLY CAN BE "RESOLVED" THAT WAY?
NOTHING.

IF DUDE WAS TRYING TO GET WITH ME...
THAT WASN'T GOING TO WORK.
NOT DTF.

BESIDES, IF YOU TURN ME OFF WITH IMMATURITY....
WOULD I FIND THAT S*XY?
ATTRACTIVE?

KIND OF NEED TO BE TURNED ON...
TO EVEN WANT TO!

AND I DON'T! NOT ANYMORE.

I was thinking about this earlier.
WOULD I BE TURNED ON TO EVEN GO THERE?
NOT BY HIM. 

I WAS THINKING: MY ON-AND-OFF SWITCH IS BUSTED.
STUCK ON OFF.

MAYBE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.
TURNED OFF SO MANY TIMES THAT I JUST....
DON'T SEE MYSELF BEING TURNED ON.

There were only a few times in the last 4 years or so.
FOLLOWED BY A HUGE TURN-OFF. 

So it kind of "broke" it.

It sucks, but... That's that.

I don't really like being turned on anyway.
BECAUSE IT'S LIKE:
I DON'T EVEN GET TO ENJOY THIS....
BECAUSE "THE OTHER SHOE WILL DROP SOON."

Wish I could, but... I can't.

Not sure why I wrote about that.
It could be related to hormones, too.

One guy I used to talk with...
He said: "He chose a level of hormones over you."
Not sure if it was supposed to help me feel better or what.

Dudes usually choose something over me. Usually.
Shouldn't be "surprised" when they do it.

NOT LIKE I WAS EXPECTING THEM TO CHOOSE ME.
THEY HAVE A RIGHT NOT TO.

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M EVERYONE'S "CUP OF TEA."

PROBABLY TOO MUCH OF A "TOMBOY" FOR MOST DUDES
TO ACTUALLY BE ATTRACTED TO ME.

BUT... I'M NOT INTO A LOT OF "GIRLY STUFF."

Here's part of why I'm a "tomboy":

When I was younger.... THERE WERE CREEPY DUDES.
LIKE A VERY YOUNG TEENAGER.
AROUND 14 OR SO....

IF I WORE MAKEUP OR DRESSED IN FEMALE CLOTHES....
THAT CREEPINESS WAS WAY WORSE!
SO MUCH WORSE.

SO? I DIDN'T WANT TO!
BESIDES, IT'S NOT REALLY MY "PERSONALITY."

I DID NOT WANT TO DRAW ANY UNWANTED ATTENTION TO MYSELF.
WEARING MAKEUP ETC.... 
1) MADE ME FEEL GROSS
2) IT FEELS WEIRD ON MY SKIN
3) IT IS EXPENSIVE SH*T
4) I DO NOT ENJOY UNWANTED ATTENTION FROM CREEPY DUDES

IMAGINE?

LOOK HOW ONE DUDE ACTED WHEN I POSTED A PIC ON HERE!

THAT, BUT.... WORSE.

YES, IT P*SSED ME OFF.

BECAUSE I SHOULD JUST BE "ALLOWED" TO POST A PIC, 
OR "BE A FEMALE" WITHOUT ANY BS.

BUT AM I "ALLOWED"? EVER? FK NO!

MAYBE IF I WAS "ALLOWED" TO DO THINGS
THAT I SHOULD BE "ALLOWED TO DO....
WITHOUT ANY BS... 

THEN MAYBE I COULD FEEL "OKAY" ABOUT IT.
BUT I DON'T. 

BECAUSE OF FKTARD MENTALITY. 
THAT'S WHY.

WITHOUT FKTARD MENTALITY....
FEMALES WOULD BE "ALLOWED" TO DO THINGS
WITHOUT ANY BS!

LIKE POSTING A PIC....
WEARING MAKEUP IF SHE WANTS TO...
WEARING FEMALE CLOTHES....

WITHOUT.... BS!!!!!!!!!!!!! WITHOUT IT!

I'M GOING TO TRY TO SLEEP AGAIN.... I HOPE I CAN.
I REALLY REALLY REALLY NEED TO SLEEP. SOON.
SOONER THE BETTER.

One More (Part 2)

I think the idea of waiting 12 years was:
"Time will heal all wounds." No.

We heal our own wounds. Just takes time to do it.

TIME ITSELF IS JUST TIME.
BECAUSE WE CAN ONLY HEAL WITH EFFORT.

I HAD TO THUG IT OUT. 

Anyway... 

I'm trying to "switch gears" and I WILL....
But.... Just residual stuff on my mind.

It took me a while to get other stuff out before... Remember?
I'm sure you do! 

It was like every day for over a year, I think. 
But? I don't bring it up so much anymore.

I still do, but to make some points about it... 

I hope my points make sense.
I can't always articulate myself the way I would like to.

My son said that to me today.
He said he was trying to articulate the things on his mind.

HE HAS A LOT ON HIS MIND.
VERY MUCH LIKE ME! 

ALMOST SCARY HOW MUCH HE IS LIKE ME.

IN SOME GOOD WAYS!
I love that we are alike in those ways! 

Very tired now, probably going to crash soon.
It's cold in here. I don't think they turned the heat on yet.

Not sure when they will, but I hope they do soon.

I brought the pepper plant inside. Getting too cold for it outside.
It's actually growing tiny peppers lol!
They are cute! 

I'll have to get some dirt soon to grow some more.
I need to put it into a bigger pot.

Plants grow to about 30% of the size of the container they are in.
If I put him in a bigger pot... He'll grow bigger.

Anyway, it's been cool to watch him grow from a little seedling.

I popped a couple of ibuprofen. Been hungry but not eating much.
I don't want to get any food in my "socket."

It should be good in a couple of weeks.

Last tooth wasn't so bad. The one on that side...
On the bottom. 

This one was on the top.

I think I feel sad because I'm tired.
Sometimes I have to ask: "Am I sad? Or am I tired?"

It does feel like sadness... But I'm also really freaking tired.
Almost ready to crash for the night.

I guess it is sad to "miss" people
WHO NEVER ACTUALLY FKN GAF ABOUT ME.

WHY DO I "MISS" THEM? IDFK!

MAYBE... I "MISS" HOW THINGS COULD HAVE BEEN....
HOW THINGS WERE AT THE BEGINNING....
BEFORE THE BS STARTED....

DID HE TRY TO RECONNECT? BARELY.

AND IT FELT OFF LIKE IT WAS ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.
NOT ABOUT RECONNECTING.

AND OBVIOUSLY, I DO NOT WANT A REPEAT OF
THAT BS CYCLE. 

I NEVER WANTED THAT BS. PERIOD. 
I'M TIRED OF BS.

I'M TOO FKN OLD FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAMMIT!

Anyway... I was watching a video about a woman's story...
SHE HAD TO FIGHT FOR HER LIFE.

SHE TALKED ABOUT THINGS HER MOM TOLD HER.
HOW SHE HELPED HER THROUGH THE ORDEAL.

IT WAS AN ATTEMPTED R@PE.

HER MOTHER SAID: "DID HE R@PE YOU?!"
SHE SAID NO.
HER MOM: IT WAS A FIGHT! YOU WON!
NOW IT'S OVER!

SHE HAD TO DO A LOT OF THERAPY STUFF... 
IT HELPED HER.

THERAPY CAN HELP PEOPLE.
THERE'S JUST NOT ENOUGH THERAPISTS FOR EVERYONE.

SOME PEOPLE NEED IT SO BAD THAT THEY ARE SO FOOKED
THAT IT WOULD BE REALLY HARD TO TREAT THEM, 
BUT MIGHT STILL BE POSSIBLE.

IN SOME WAYS.

Some people are so far "gone."
That they are hard to REACH.
IN AN IMPACTFUL AND MEANINGFUL WAY.

But.... Even HELEN KELLER WAS TAUGHT COMMUNICATION.
AND PEOPLE THOUGHT SHE WAS STUPID!

SHE WAS ACTUALLY VERY INTELLIGENT!
SHE JUST COULDN'T ARTICULATE HERSELF
UNTIL SHE WAS TAUGHT TO COMMUNICATE.

DEAF AND BLIND AND MUTE! TRIPLE WHAMMY.

IMAGINE THAT?

AND MOST PEOPLE THINK YOU WERE STUPID?!
BECAUSE OF THAT?!

IMAGINE ALL THE BS SHE WENT THROUGH?
BECAUSE OF THAT?

AND SHE COULDN'T EVEN EXPRESS HER OWN FEELINGS?
OR THOUGHTS?

SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WORDS WERE!
SHE HAD NO WAY OF KNOWING AT THE TIME!
SHE COULDN'T HEAR.
SHE COULDN'T SEE.

SHE HAD NOBODY WHO KNEW HOW TO TEACH HER....
UNTIL... SHE DID!

ONE THING I WISH:
IF SOMEONE BLOCKS YOU THEY ALSO ARE BLOCKED.

BECAUSE IF THEY BLOCK YOU, YOU CAN'T BLOCK THEM
BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO NOT BE BLOCKED 
TO BE ABLE TO BLOCK THEM.

SO THEY CAN'T UNBLOCK YOU AND TRY TO REACH YOU.

SO THEY CAN JUST STAY GONE. FAIR?

BECAUSE IF THEY DO THAT.... THEY DON'T NEED TO COME BACK.
FOR WHAT AT THAT POINT? FOR WHAT?
POUR QUOIS?

ANYWAY, I GOTTA CRASH NOW.

GOOD NIGHT! 

Small Comforts

Sometimes it's "comfort" people seek from me....
But when I sought it? What? 

THEY GOT TOO COMFORTABLE WITH THE BS!

Yeah, I gotta get back to my "stuff" soon.
It's a lot of energy just to "get this out."

It won't be the only thing I'll write about....
I'm just taking a bit of a break from doing other things.
I'm resting tonight because I got my tooth pulled. 

Can't do very much. So tired already. 
Might be an early bedtime tonight. 
Or at least a nap. A pre-bedtime nap.
Not sure yet. Undecided about it.

I do have other stuff on my mind....
But... It's related to things I can't disclose.
Project-related stuff.

It'd be a lot to explain anyway... 
I have to keep that info to myself... 

It's..... A lot.... A LOT! 
I work on it until I can't, then have to switch gears.

Because I'd burn myself out.
Burning the candle at both ends, so to speak.

When I'm really into working on something.... I keep chipping at it.
Since I was a kid and started having "projects."

I have MANY projects on the go...

But one of them is extremely important....
It could... Really.... Be..... Something.

That's why I have to keep it to myself. 

It's not that I can't talk about it AT ALL....
BUT CERTAIN DETAILS ARE TOP SECRET.

It's just complex and stuff and.... A lot of work....
Really important also.

So... Who knows? Maybe I'll make more headway on this.

It's kind of.... Time sensitive... 
Months away type of thing. 

Anyway, I don't know what is in store....
Don't have a FULL plan yet... But.... 
I have a partial plan. PARTIAL IS BETTER THAN NO PLAN.

There was a tenant meeting today in the building. 
I didn't go to it. 
The woman who came to my door was there.
I want to AVOID her.

SINCE SHE WAS TRYING TO PLAY THAT GAME.
DIDN'T HAVE TO, BUT.... SHE TRIED ME.
SO? No. Just...... NO!

IF I CAN AVOID SOME PEOPLE,
I WILL TRY MY BEST.

I DON'T NEED TO BE AT MEETINGS ANYWAY.
THEY ARE OPTIONAL.

I'D RATHER STAY AWAY FROM MOST PEOPLE THESE DAYS.
BEEN WAY TOO TIRED... FEELING VERY DRAINED.
TONIGHT ESPECIALLY.

I THINK IT'S THE SEDATION FROM THAT TOOTH EXTRACTION.

I DUNNO. IT WORE OFF, BUT I THINK IT'S STILL IN MY SYSTEM.

I'M GLAD IT DIDN'T HURT SO MUCH. I WAS WORRIED ABOUT IT.

IT PROBABLY WOULD HAVE HURT MORE IF THEY HADN'T NUMBED IT.

HARD TO NOT SMOKE, THOUGH. 

BUT I CAN... TAKE A BREAK.
I'M SURE MY LUNGS NEED A BREAK ANYWAY.

I REALLY NEED TO REST FOR A BIT, THOUGH! 

One More

 Almost ready to sleep. Soon. 

Just bugs me that when someone 
DOESN'T GET WHAT THEY WANT......
THEY THINK THEY CAN ACT HOWEVER.....
AND THAT I'D FORGET IT.

GHOSTED? NOTED!
FOR 12 YEARS? NOTED!
1/4 APOLOGY? NOTED!
EXCUSES AND INSULTS? NOTED!

THINK I WASN'T TAKING NOTE?
I NOTICED! A LOT!

A LOT MORE THAN PEOPLE NOTICED
THAT I NOTICED....

BUT.... WHO'S NOTICING?

------------------------------

Ended up passing out. I must have been tired.

I don't usually fall asleep writing, but.... When I do.... 
It's funny!

I had a video on as background sound.... 

In a couple of hours, I'll get ready for my appointment.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Last words from 12-YD.... "Take care!"

HE DOESN'T FKN CARE! HOW I WAS DOING!
FOR 12 FKN YEARS!

EVEN BEFORE THAT!

AND HE SAYS: TAKE CARE!? WTF?!

DEFLECT AND RUN AWAY.
DO THAT. TWICE. SEE IF I GAF.

"IF YOU DGAF, A***, WHY ARE YOU WRITING ABOUT IT?"

BECAUSE I'M MAKING A POINT ABOUT IT!

AND I DON'T HAVE TO GAF ABOUT SOMETHING....
TO MAKE A POINT ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In case you were wondering.... WHY I write about any of it....
TO MAKE POINTS ABOUT IT.

I CARE ABOUT THE POINTS. NOT ABOUT THE BS! 
IS THAT OKAY?
OR AM I GOING TO GET COMMENTS
INSULTING ME FOR MAKING A POINT?

BECAUSE I CAN'T UPLOAD PICS....
WITHOUT BS....

SO AT LEAST TELL ME....
IF I'M FKN "ALLOWED" TO MAKE A POINT.

WITHOUT THAT SH*T.

WOULD BE NICE. RIGHT? FFS.

It would not have MATTERED how "invested"
I WAS IN FKN ANYONE, PERIOD. 

BECAUSE IT DIDN'T "MAKE" THEM TREAT ME ANY BETTER
THAN ANY OF THAT BS! 

PEOPLE ARE UNABLE TO "READ" ME....
UNABLE/ UNWILLING TO "INVEST."
STUCK IN THEIR OWN BS.... OKAY.

ARE THEIR "INABILITIES" DIRECTLY RELATED TO MY "WORTH"?
NO? 

THEN? THEY CAN FK RIGHT OFF.

IF THEY CAN'T "SEE" WHO I AM....
IF THEY "CAN'T" TREAT ME DECENTLY / WELL....

I'M NOT WAITING FOR THEM TO "SEE" ME.
FOR WHO I AM AND HAVE BEEN THE WHOLE TIME!

I ALREADY DID THAT SH*T!

I ALREADY TRIED WITH PEOPLE WHO WEREN'T!

WHY "TRY" 12 YEARS LATER?

AFTER I MOVED ON?

THEY ALREADY HAD THAT CHANCE / CHANCES!!!!!!!!

AM I REQUIRED TO GIVE ANOTHER CHANCE 12 YEARS LATER????!!!

AND I ALMOST DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT????????? THERE WASN'T GOING TO BE ANY CHANGE!

IT TOOK ONE "CONVO" TO DETERMINE THAT.

AND BESIDES, HE WANTED "SOMETHING."

WHATEVER IT WAS.... WASN'T FORGIVENESS FROM ME.
WASN'T BECAUSE HE SUDDENLY SAW MY "WORTH."

NOT BECAUSE HE MAGICALLY STARTED TO CARE.
THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN.

IF HE DIDN'T THEN, HE WON'T NOW.

I KNOW THIS.

I EXPRESSED THAT I'M NOT AFRAID TO BE ALONE....
AND LOOK HOW HE ACTED! 

I'M "TOXIC" FOR THAT?

I'M XYZ FOR FKN EVERYTHING I SAY OR DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO? WHAT IS THE POINT????????????

THERE WAS NO POINT IN TELLING HIM ANYTHING.
HE WAS GOING TO SPIN IT.
AND DO THE SAME SH*T AS BEFORE.

HE DID!

SO IT WAS BECAUSE "HE WAS SORRY"? FK NO.

HE SAID WHAT HE THOUGHT I WANTED TO FKN HEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE NEVER KNEW WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE ONLY FKN THOUGHT HE DID!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT IS THE POINT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WANTED "SOMETHING" FROM ME....
AND WHAT WAS I GETTING FROM HIM?

WHAT HE THOUGHT I WANTED TO HEAR? THAT?

THE ONLY REASON: HE WANTED "SOMETHING."

WHATEVER IT WAS.... I DO NOT FKN OWE HIM. PERIOD.

HOW DO YOU DISCARD SOMEONE....
THEN HAVE THE "BALLS" TO WANT SOMETHING FROM THEM?
12 YEARS LATER?

WHATEVER HE WANTED REQUIRED ACCESS TO ME....
THAT I DIDN'T OWE HIM.

NOT AFTER 12 YEARS.
NOT AFTER THAT BS.

WOW.

IF I DID THAT SH*T?!!!!!! THEN I WOULD BE THE "TOXIC" ONE!
IF I TREATED HIM THAT WAY,,,,, ????

AND HE WANTED ME TO TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY?
AFTER THAT?

Someone replied to me.... She said the dude she was dealing with....

WAS TRYING HER 18 YEARS LATER!!!!!
AND HE EVEN GOT MARRIED!!!!
HE THINKS SHE DOESN'T KNOW!!!!

WILD, EH?

LET HER MOVE ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
18 YEARS??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!

DID HE JUST WANT TO "FEEL BETTER"
ABOUT HIS BS?

I DON'T HAVE TO GUESS OR CARE ABOUT WHAT HE WANTED.....
IT WAS "SOMETHING."

AND HE THOUGHT DISCARDING ME THE SECOND TIME
WAS GOING TO "HURT" LIKE THE FIRST TIME?
DID IT? NO? 

BUT..... NICE TRY!!!!!!! 

MAYBE THAT'S WHY ACCESS WAS DENIED!!!!!!!!!!!!
HMMM.

HE DID IT BECAUSE I CALLED HIM ARROGANT AND FOOLISH!
BECAUSE HE FKN IS!

ARROGANT TO THINK I WOULD CHASE HIM
LIKE HE WANTED ME TO.

AND FOOLISH TO THINK I WOULD EVEN LOOK AT HIM
THE SAME WAY I USED TO. AFTER THAT???!

I'M "TOXIC" FOR CALLING THAT SH*T OUT.
OH FKN WELL! 

THE PART THAT FELT GOOD WAS TELLING HIM
THAT HE DIDN'T GET TO GO TO THE SHOW WITH ME
BECAUSE OF HOW HE WAS TREATING ME.

I GAVE HIS TICKET TO SOMEONE ELSE!

I'M GLAD I DID! BECAUSE I HAD A NICE TIME!
FOR ONCE! FFS!

WHAT BUGGED ME WAS... NOT ONLY HOW HE TREATED ME....
WAS THINKING I WOULD STICK AROUND....
AND STILL BE AVAILABLE 12 YEARS LATER!!!!!

FKN ARROGANT AF!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UNS*XY!

HE WANTED ACCESS FOR A REASON.
FELT LIKE A TROJAN HORSE SCENARIO,

THERE WERE THINGS HE WASN'T SAYING.
1/4 APOLOGY ISN'T "ENOUGH" EITHER. FK THAT.
IF IT WAS A REAL APOLOGY, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A REAL ONE.
NOT A BS 1/4 APOLOGY!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOW HE TREATED ME... HE WANTED TO HURT ME.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TRUST THAT SH*T?

CALLING ME MANIPULATIVE WHILE TRYING TO MANIPULATE ME
IS FKN WILD!!!!!!!!!!

AND WHO IS HE "FRIENDS" WITH FROM SCHOOL?
I WONDER.

USING "TACTICS" ON ME.... DOESN'T FKN WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MAYBE 12 YEARS AGO,,,,, BUT NOW??????? FK NO!!!!!!!!!!

I SEE THAT SH*T. 

IT'S GROSS!!!!!!!!!! DON'T BE GROSS LIKE THAT.
GASLIGHTING IS FKN GROSS!!!!!!!!!!

CAN'T FK WITH SOMEONE'S LIFE
BY TRYING TO PUSH THEM INTO AN IDENTITY "CRISIS"
BY GASLIGHTING PEOPLE

AND EXPECT THE PEOPLE YOU DO THAT SH*T TO....
OR TRY TO DO THAT SH*T TO.....

TO BE "COOL" WITH THAT SH*T.

AND KNOWING HE WANTED SOMETHING?????

MADE IT WORSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE HE DIDN'T START CARING MAGICALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IS "COMING FOR ME" ADDING TO YOUR LIFE?
IN ANY WAY? NO?

THEN? FK RIGHT OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! M'K?

"THEY THOUGHT YOU WERE STUPID..."
SURPRISE!!!!!!! FFS!

IS HATING ON ME ADDING TO MINE? NO?

THEN? WHY WOULD I NEED THAT BS?
I DON'T.

"THEY REALLY THOUGHT YOU'D COME BACK."

THEY THOUGHT MY FEELINGS FOR THEM WERE STRONGER....
THAN THEIR BS.

"HE THOUGHT HE HAD THE UPPER HAND."

WHY ISN'T A*** PLAYING THE ROLE I THOUGHT SHE WOULD?

"THEY THOUGHT YOU'D LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN
EVEN WHEN THEY WALKED AWAY."

"THEY THOUGHT YOU'D COME RUNNING BACK."

DID I?

WHAT WOULD I COME "RUNNING" BACK TO? HMMM?
GARBAGE?

MORE BS? BECAUSE RUNNING BACK TO THAT....
DOESN'T "SEEM APPEALING" TO ME.

"MAYBE THEY SHOULD HAVE STOPPED TESTING YOUR FEELINGS....
AND APPRECIATED THAT YOU WERE THERE."

GHOST ME? THEN LET ME "REST IN PEACE"
OR I'LL HAUNT YOUR @SS FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"LOVE STOPS VOLUNTEERING FOR DISAPPOINTMENT."

EVERY TIME I GAVE THEM ANOTHER CHANCE?
THEY FKN REMEMBER THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT'S WHY IT WAS "SUPPOSED TO BE EASY"
THIS TIME.

WELP, NOPE.

HE CAN LIVE WITH MY SILENCE.
WITH THE FACT THAT I ACCEPTED HIS DISTANCE
THAT HE CREATED.

AND I WOULD HAVE "ACTED OUT"
OR WHATEVER ELSE....

IF I ACTUALLY WAS "TOXIC."

HE WANTED ME CONFUSED.
SO HE COULD PULL AWAY WHENEVER HE WANTED.
ACT HOWEVER.
EXCUSE. EXCUSE. EXCUSE.

WASTE SOMEONE ELSE'S TIME!!! NOT MINE!!!

"THEY THOUGHT DISTANCE WOULD BRING YOU BACK."
NO. DISTANCE..... IS.... DISTANCE.

DON'T ASSUME SOMEONE WILL RETURN.
BECAUSE IF YOU ASSUME THAT.... 

YOU MIGHT REALIZE.... THEY WON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

"I LET YOU GO!"
DID I "SEEK REVENGE"?
DID I "HOLD A GRUDGE"?
DID I DO ANYTHING TO HIM AFTER HE GHOSTED ME? NO?

AND TRY TO COME BACK LIKE....
WE'RE TWO OLD FRIENDS CATCHING UP?
LIKE HE NEVER DISCARDED ME?
LIKE HE NEVER TREATED ME LIKE THAT?

HE HAD THE FKN OPPORTUNITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHEN I WAS RIGHT THERE!!!!!!!!!

SO WHY WOULD HE WANT ANOTHER???????

He wanted to blame ME and fkn everything else 
OTHER THAN HIMSELF
FOR FKN RUINING EVERYTHING.

'SHE FORGAVE ME BEFORE, SO.... SHE ALWAYS WILL." WILL I?

I'M REFUSING TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
FOR HIS FKN CHOICES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FOR ANYONE'S BUT MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"LOVE DOESN'T CANCEL STANDARDS."

MAYBE LOVE JUST WANTED TO BE LOVED BACK....
LIKE IT COULD HAVE BEEN.

TOOK MY PATIENCE FOR GRANTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND THOUGHT: SHE'LL COME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"SHE'S NOT COMING BACK, AND MY STRATEGY DOESN'T WORK ANYMORE."
"IF I PULL AWAY.... SHE'LL CHASE HARDER!"

NO, IF YOU PULL AWAY.... AND ACT LIKE THAT..... FK OFF!!!!!!!!!

SAW ME MOVING ON AND HAD TO CHECK?
TO MAKE SURE? 

SHOULD IT TAKE 12 YEARS TO FKN REVIEW
HOW HE COULD HAVE "ACTED DIFFERENTLY"
AND "PRESERVED" WHAT WE HAD?
OR COULD HAVE HAD?

AM I SUPPOSED TO "FORGET" EVERYTHING 
BECAUSE THEY "SUDDENLY" "MISS" ME?

SUDDENLY REALIZED I HAVE "VALUE."

"SHE'LL COME RUNNING BACK!"
"HER FEELINGS FOR ME WILL NEVER CHANGE!" REALLY????!!!!
HOW FKN ARROGANT TO ASSUME MY FEELINGS
WOULD NEVER CHANGE
EVEN AFTER THAT BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND THAT "ATTRACTIVE"?
I DON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MY SILENCE WAS A CHOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF YOU ASSUME SOMEONE WILL CHASE YOU....
AND THEY SEE THAT SH*T AND REFUSE TO.....

WHAT DOES IT SAY ABOUT WHAT YOU ASSUMED?
AND THE PERSON YOU ASSUMED IT ABOUT?????
AND ABOUT YOU FOR ASSUMING THAT?????

AND IF YOU WANT TO RUN AWAY LIKE A B*TCH....
KEEP RUNNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

STRAIGHT TO SOMEONE ELSE!

AWAY FROM ME.

BUT IF YOU LOOK OVER YOUR SHOULDER....
AND... I'M NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.....

YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"SORRY FOR TAKING YOU FOR GRANTED...."
"SORRY FOR DISCARDING YOU...."

WOULD HAVE BEEN A NICE START.....

NOT "SORRY YOU FEEL I TREATED YOU HORRIBLY"
WTF IS THAT SH*T?

NOT DONE TAKING ME FOR GRANTED? OR WHAT?

AND HE DIDN'T FEEL "SAFE."
BECAUSE HE ALREADY HAD A "VERSION" OF ME.
OBVIOUSLY, HE DIDN'T KNOW ME.

WHO CARES, THOUGH?

DID HE?

PUSHING ME AWAY BECAUSE OF BS HE WENT THROUGH?
THAT HAD NOTHING TO FKN DO WITH ME?

BECAUSE HE DIDN'T KNOW IF HE COULD "TRUST" ME OR NOT?
NOT TO DO XYZ?

YES, I GET FKN ANGRY.... BUT WHAT DID I DO? ANYTHING?

OR? DID I EXPLAIN OVER AND OVER FKN WHY???????????

WOULD BEING LED ON P*SS YOU OFF?
WOULD FALSE HOPE P*SS YOU OFF?
WOULD GETTING STOOD UP P*SS YOU OFF?
WOULD BEING GASLIT P*SS YOU OFF?
WOULD BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED P*SS YOU OFF?

IF IT WOULD, WOULDN'T IT P*SS ME OFF, TOO?
UNDERSTANDABLY?

DOES BEING ANGRY ENTITLE ME TO DO "LOW BLOWS"? No?
THEN WHY WOULD HE BE SCARED OF THAT?
BECAUSE HE THINKS MY FURY 
MEANS I'D DO SOMETHING TO HIM?
DID I? I HAD 12 FKN YEARS TO DO SOMETHING IF I WANTED TO!!!!!!!!!
BUT DID I????????? NO?????

SHOULDN'T I BE ALLOWED TO EXPLAIN WHY?

SHOULDN'T HE BE ALLOWED TO EXPLAIN WHY, TO ME????!!!!
FKN RIGHT HE SHOULD!!!!!
BE ALLOWED!
FFS!

SAME WITH ME!

SHOULDN'T HE WANT ACCOUNTABILITY FROM ME?
A REAL APOLOGY FROM ME?

AND WANTING THAT FROM HIM MAKES ME "TOXIC"?
EXCUSE ME?

AND I WAS ON THE FENCE ABOUT GIVING HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!

BUT IF I DID, AND HE DID THE SAME SH*T.....
THAT WOULD BE ON ME FOR GIVING HIM ANOTHER CHANCE.

LIKE IT WAS ON ME FOR GIVING MIRROR SMASHER ANOTHER CHANCE.
AND HE DID THE SAME SH*T TO ME.

THEY BOTH ONLY THOUGHT ABOUT THEMSELVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'M TIRED OF DUDES WHO ONLY THINK ABOUT THEMSELVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EGOTISTICAL TW@TS.

IF IT'S HIGHLY UNFAIR TO ME..... YEAH.... I MIGHT BE....
FKN ANGRY ABOUT IT...... WHY, THOUGH?

BUT DOES BEING ANGRY MEAN I GET TO FKN ACT OUT?
ABOUT IT?

BUT HOW FKN IMMATURE IT WAS.....
TO PUT SOMEONE THOUGH..... THE BS.....
THEY PUT ME THROUGH.

AND EXUSE ME..... FOR NOT FKN BEING INTERESTED..... IN..... THAT.
BECAUSE: FK THAT.

AM I ALLOWED NOT TO BE INTERESTED IN BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED?

BECAUSE I'D LIKE TO JUST.... BE ALLOWED.....
NOT TO BE.... INTERESTED.... IN.... THAT.

BUT JUST BECAUSE MIRROR SMASHER FKD UP HIS CHANCES.....
LAST CHANCE WITH ME....

DOESN'T MEAN 12-YD WOULD HAVE FKD UP AGAIN, 
BUT HE DID BEFORE HE EVEN GOT THERE.

1) BY HOW HE APPROACHED ME
2) NOT TAKING ME SERIOUSLY
3) NOT LISTENING
4) NOT REALIZING I HAD VALID REASONS TO FEEL HOW I FELT

SURE, MAYBE HE WENT THROUGH SOMETHING BEFORE WE HAD...
RECONNECTED THAT TIME.... OKAY.

SO DID I! 

BUT WHAT WAS I DOING? BEING OPEN WITH HIM?
TRYING TO BE?

HAVING SOME FKN FAITH IN HIM?
KNOWING THAT HE HADN'T FKD ME AROUND BEFORE?
THAT'S PART OF WHY I WAS EVEN GIVING HIM A CHANCE?

AFTER THE BS I WENT THROUGH? WITH MY EX?

HAD WE ACTUALLY TALKED..... BUT???????

COULD WE? OR WAS EVERY TIME I TRIED TO...... JUST BS?????!!!!

DUDES: "IF YOU MAKE IT HARD FOR WOMEN TO JUST FKN TALK TO YOU....
THEY WILL NOT FKN WANT TO ANYMORE!!!!! TOO MUCH BS!!!!!"

AND IF THERE IS NO POINT IN WOMEN TALKING TO DUDES.....
FOR A LACK OF FKN GETTING ANYTHING FKN ADDRESSED.... 
THEY WILL LIKELY BE P*SSED OFF CREATURES!!!!

WHO WON'T LOOK AT YOU THE SAME WAY ANYMORE!!!!!!

THEY WILL EVEN LOSE RESPECT THEY HAD FOR YOU!!!!
BECAUSE IF YOU ACT LIKE A FKTARD.....
WHAT IS THERE TO RESPECT?????

AND IF YOU LOSE HER RESPECT......
HOW IS SHE SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT YOU THE WAY SHE USED TO?

IF YOU ACT LIKE A FKTARD AND TREAT HER LIKE A POS WOULD...
GUESS WHAT???? IT MEANS:
1) YOU ARE ACTING LIKE A FKTARD!!!!
2) YOU ARE THE POS IF YOU WOULD DO WHAT A POS WOULD DO!!!!!!!!

BUT I DGAF IF NOBODY KNOWS MY INTEGRITY
OR FKN ANYTHING ABOUT ME.

I GAF ABOUT KNOWING WHO I AM. I DO.

AND THAT'S WHY I GET COMMENTS FROM FKTARDS
ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT I LOOK IN THE MIRROR
WHEN I POST A PIC. I DON'T ANYMORE.

BECAUSE I DON'T NEED THOSE FKTARDS
TO KNOW WHO I AM.

THEY WISH I DID, BUT I DON'T.
THEY CAN WISH A LITTLE HARDER.
ALL THEY WANT.

CHANGES FK ALL ABOUT ME.
OR THEM.

DO YOU HAVE TO BE SCARED OF A***.....
WHEN A***'S BEEN DOING HER THANG FOR THE LAST 12 YEARS?
WITHOUT YOU?

SUCH A SCARY PERSON!
JUST FOR HAVING VALID REASONS TO BE ANGRY!

REASONS THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN TOO!
IF I DID THE SAME THINGS!

FAIR????

AND DID I DO ANYTHING OTHER THAN EXPLAIN WHY?
AND THEN REFUSE TO PLAY THIS GAME?
AND THEN???? MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE?

"LOVE IS DANGEROUS." SURE IS.
BUT NOT THE RIGHT PERSON, FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.
THAT'S "SAFE."

BUT THE GASLIGHTING AND ALL KINDS OF CRAP.....
THAT'S GARBAGE!

AT FIRST.... I WASN'T GOING ANYWHERE.
"PATIENCE."

BUT TAKE THAT FOR GRANTED...... YOU LOSE IT.
EVENTUALLY.

TIRED OF THAT. FKN DISAPPOINTING.

SHOULD I BE HAPPY WITH THAT?
SHOULD I HAVE BEEN?

NO?

IF SH*T WAS UNFAIR..... IT WAS FKN UNFAIR!!!!!!!!! FACT!

"I PUSHED A*** TOO FAR AWAY! WHAT DO I DO NOW?"

1) DON'T WAIT 12 FKN YEARS..... 
2) DON'T ASSUME I HAVEN'T MOVED ON
3) DON'T APPROACH ME LIKE "AN OLD FRIEND."
4) ACCOUNTABILITY!!!!!!!!!!!!
5) RESPECT!!!!!!!!!!!!
6) REALIZE SOME SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!
7) DON'T EXPECT SH*T FROM ME!
8) IF I EVEN TALK TO YOU, YOU'RE FKN LUCKY!

And they try to come back...... Thinking:
"SOMEONE ELSE WILL GET WHAT I COULD HAVE HAD WITH A***."

"WHAT IF SOMEONE COMES ALONG AND IS MATURE ENOUGH FOR HER?"

DOESN'T MEAN THEY GET ACCESS!

I DON'T ACTUALLY WANT ANYTHING "WITH" ANYONE ANYMORE.

I DOUBT "ROMANCE" IS A THING ANYMORE.
IT WOULD BE TOO ALIEN TO ME ANYWAY!

AS MUCH AS IT WOULD BE APPRECIATED.....
IT'D STILL FEEL FKN ALIEN! TO ME!

AFFECTION TOO!
A HUG? WTF IS THAT?
A KISS? WTF IS THAT?
A LOOK? WTF IS THAT?

ACTUAL CARING? WTF IS THAT?

ANYTHING "SPECIAL JUST FOR ME"? WTF IS THAT?
WITHOUT WANTING SOMETHING FROM ME? WTF IS THAT?

AND TO THINK I GOT THOSE TICKETS.....
AND I WANTED TO GO WITH HIM... FFS. 
MAKES MY STOMACH WANT TO DO FLIPS! I HATE IT!

WANTED MORE THAN THAT WITH HIM.
SOMETHING SOLID.... 

BECAUSE I THOUGHT: MAYBE!

MAYBE THAT WAS POSSIBLE!

BUT....????

AND WHENEVER.... AFTER THAT.... I ALSO THOUGHT: MAYBE!
AND TRIED.... AND CARED....
AND GOT SENT THROUGH THE RINGER.
DRAGGING MY NAME THROUGH THE DIRT
LIKE I ACTUALLY FKN DID ANYTHING TO THEM.... FFS. DID I?

OR DID I JUST WANT THEM TO BE A FKN ACCOUNTABLE ADULT!??????
JUST THAT?

WOULDN'T THEY WANT THAT FROM ME?
AND EVEN EXPECT THAT FROM ME?

YES? SO THEN? A CRIME?

TO WANT THAT?????!

AND SOME GREEDY HOES WANT SO FKN MUCH MORE THAN I EVER DID!
BECAUSE THEY ARE SELFISH C*NTS!

AND THEY ACTUALLY DGAF!

BUT WHEN I ACTUALLY DID?????????

WHEN I JUST.... WANTED TO FKN MATTER TO THEM?
AND BE FKN UNDERSTOOD?

AND BE TREATED WORSE THAN A GREEDY HOE?

HE THOUGHT HE COULD COME AND GO WHENEVER!
IT'S BEEN 12 YEARS? I'LL STILL HAVE ACCESS! WHAT?????!!!!

IT WASN'T THAT WE "LOST CONTACT."

WORDS ALONE WASN'T GOING TO "FIX" THAT SH*T.

AND TO DEFLECT AND ACT HOW HE ACTED.... 
FOR JUST NOT WANTING TO GRANT HIM ACCESS TO ME?

TANTRUM! 

TANTRUMS DON'T MEAN I SHOULD SAY YES!
DOESN'T MEAN ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PULL A TANTRUM
AND GET WHAT YOU WANT!

MIGHT HAVE WORKED WITH MOMMY AND DADDY
WHEN YOU WERE A BABY.... BUT AS AN ADULT?

WTF IS THAT!

"I DON'T HAVE TO BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR ANYTHING..."
NO? THEN YOU GET TO P*SS OFF.

IS COMMON SENSE SUPPOSED TO COVER BASIC DECENCY?
I THOUGHT IT DID!
DOES IT? OR NO?

WAS I SUPPOSED TO PRETEND I WAS OKAY WITH THAT?

IF HE WAS NOT LOYAL TO ME.... WHEN I WAS LOYAL TO HIM.....
WHO WOULD HE BE LOYAL TO?

Often they ARE loyal to people who never gaf about them!!!! Imagine that?

Pretty insulting, but often..... That happens.

Especially if they are actually being manipulated by someone.

Often loyal to their manipulators!
Because manipulators can manipulate them without them knowing!

IF THEY KNEW THEY WERE BEING MANIPULATED....
IT DOESN'T WORK.... TYPICALLY.

There is a video I'm watching about "confidence."
Well, the video has that as a topic. In it.

When confidence isn't actual confidence...
IT LOOKS A LOT LIKE EGO.

THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CONFIDENCE AND ARROGANCE!

ARROGANCE IS THE TEST! 

BECAUSE IF YOU ARE GIVEN SUCCESS....
IN ANY FORMAT....
IT'S A TEST TO SEE.... HOW YOU TREAT THAT.

I AM A "TEST" TO PEOPLE.
THEY EITHER PASS OR FAIL. 

NOT TRYING TO OR WANTING TO "TEST" PEOPLE....
BUT..... IT IS A TEST....

TO SEE.... HOW.... THEY.... ACT.
TO THEIR R.O.D.

TO SEE HOW THEY TREAT LOYALTY.
TO SEE IF THEY ARE MATURE ENOUGH.....
NOT TO XYZ.

I guess I just had to get that all out.... 
I have other things to focus on.

I'm just definitely NOT WAITING
TO HEAR FROM ANY FKERS.
BECAUSE I DGAF ANYMORE.

SHOULD HAVE CAUGHT ME WHEN I GAF!

HE KNOWS THAT I KNOW HE WAS PLAYING GAMES!
HE DOES!

SHOULDN'T HAVE, BUT DID.
NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS! 

PROBABLY WON'T BE THE ONLY ONE WHO TRIES!

BUT I AM OFFICIALLY "DONE."
I'VE BEEN "THROUGH" ENOUGH TO KNOW....
THAT I REALLY DGAF ANYMORE.

I DON'T "LIVE TO FK," SO CELIBACY....
DOESN'T BUG ME.

I'D RATHER BE CELIBATE THAN JUST.....

BESIDES, IF THEY CAN'T "BRING IT,"
OR "MATCH" ME..... 

I'M TOO OLD, AND FKN TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!! FK!

THAT "ERA" IS OVER. NOT IN MY 20s or 30s anymore.

NOT A TEENAGER ANYMORE.

DON'T WANT ANY BS!!!!!!!!! NEVER DID!
SHOULD HAVE JUST..... BEEN FKN SIMPLE!!!!!!

WHAT DID I EVEN WANT? DID HE KNOW? NO?
DID ANY OF THEM KNOW? NO?

SHOULD I HAVE TO FKN TELL THEM OVER AND OVER? NO?

SHOULD I ONLY HAVE TO SAY IT ONCE?

SHOULD THINGS BE RESOLVED? PROPERLY?

SHOULD I HAVE TO "TEACH" PEOPLE.....
HOW TO TREAT ME AND HOW NOT TO??????!!!!!

BECAUSE IF I DO.... FKN SAY THAT!
I'LL FKN "TEACH" YOU.
IF YOU'RE "TEACHABLE."

IF NOT, P*SS OFF! FK! 

SHOULD I HAVE TO "TEACH" MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS
HOW TO TREAT ME?
HOW I WANT TO BE AND DESERVE TO BE TREATED? 

NO?

THEN WHY TF DO THEY ACT LIKE I FKN DO?????!!!!! 

AND WHEN THESE FKTARDS.... WHO PLAYED IN MY FACE.....
FINALLY SEE ME HAPPY WITH SOMEONE
WHO TREATS ME PROPERLY.....

THEY'LL HAVE TO SIT WITH: COULD HAVE BEEN YOU!

AND THEY CAN! I HOPE THEY DO! 

NOT THAT I'D BE WITH THAT PERSON....
TO FLAUNT IT IN ANYONE'S FACE.....

BUT IT WOULDN'T BE A "SECRET"!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND I DGAF WHO KNOWS! 
EVEN ANYONE WHO'S EVER FKD ME AROUND! 

I TOLD A FRIEND WHO SAW ANOTHER FRIEND PICK ME UP TO CHILL.
IT WAS NOT A DATE. I DON'T FKN DATE ANYMORE.

ANYWAY, HE THINKS I'M DATING MY FRIEND.
HE'S CONVINCED ABOUT HIS OWN THOUGHTS.

EVEN THOUGH I TOLD HIM:
"IF I WAS DATING.... I'D BE LIKE: "MEET MY BOYFRIEND, EVERYONE!""

IT WOULDN'T BE A FKN SECRET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT GUYS GET WEIRD AF AROUND OTHER GUYS.
CHICKS DO THIS SH*T TOO....

WHY? IDFK. INSECURITIES OR SOME SH*T.

LIKE WHEN I POSTED A PIC ON HERE....
AND ONE OF MY MALE FRIENDS COMMENTED ON IT.

AND ANOTHER DUDE LASHED OUT AT ME AND MY FRIEND.
OVER A FKN PIC! WTF?????! 

WHY FKN ACT LIKE THAT?
WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO "MAKE" ME LIKE HIM?
FK.... CAN'T EVEN POST A PIC WITHOUT BS?!!!!!!!!!

THAT'S WHAT IT'S LIKE BEING A FEMALE!
AND SOME DUDES WANT TO BE A FEMALE? WHY?
JUST TO SEE WHAT IT'S LIKE?
TO FEEL "PRETTY"? WHAT?

A LOT OF CHICKS GET A SH*T END OF THE STICK!
AND DUDES WHO WANT TO BE CHICKS GET IT WORSE!

SO.... WHY?

THE GAME: CHIPPING AWAY AT ME....
TO TRY TO "MAKE" ME....
"NEED" THEIR "VALIDATION."

I NEVER FKN NEEDED HIS FKN VALIDATION! 
FKN GROSS SH*T!!!!!

AND THAT GETS "DONE" TO ME SO FKN MUCH IT'S WILD!

"A***'S CONFIDENT! BETTER MAKE HER DOUBT HERSELF!"
WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT SH*T.... I SEE THAT SH*T.

IT BUGS ME, YES.

THE REASON THEY DO IT: "THREATENED" BY MY CONFIDENCE.

EVEN THOUGH.... IT HAS FK ALL TO DO WITH THEM.

DON'T COMPARE MY CONFIDENCE WITH YOUR BS.
IT DOES NOT COMPARE.

IF YOU TRY TO DO THAT.... IT MEANS: YOU'RE INSECURE.
DO PEOPLE NEED TO BE INSECURE? NO! THEY FKN DON'T! 

DID I NEED TO BE? NO!
WAS I? FK YES!

BECAUSE OF THE BS PEOPLE TRIED TO PULL! ON ME!

"THEY WERE ADMIRING YOU AND RESENTING YOU AT THE SAME TIME."

WHY FKN RESENT ME? BECAUSE THEY WANTED "CONTROL."
WAS TEARING ME DOWN TO TRY TO MAKE ME FEEL "SMALL"
SO THAT I WOULDN'T "LEAVE."?

BUT DOING THAT SH*T MADE ME WANT TO FKN LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOULD I DO THAT SH*T TO HIM?
OR DID I CALL HIM OUT ON HIS SH*T?

I WASN'T ASKING FOR OR WANTING "TOO MUCH."
BASIC REGARD. BASIC RESPECT.

NO GARBAGE.

NO NEGGING. NO HOT/COLD SH*T. NO BS.
NO MOVING THE "GOAL POSTS"
NO BEING LED ON.
NO PLAYING IN MY FACE.
NO "COMPETING."

IT SHOULD BE FKN EMBARRASSING! TO ACT LIKE THAT!

WHEN I ASSERTED MYSELF: INSULTS + *BLOCK*
ASSERTIVENESS ISN'T EXACTLY "VOLATILITY."

DON'T LIKE YOUR OWN ENERGY?
DON'T LIKE IT?

DON'T LIKE IT WHEN I PULL A "YOU" ON YOU?

"FEAR OF ABANDONMENT MADE THEM WANT TO HUMBLE YOU."
WHO SAID I'D BE GOING ANYWHERE? 
THE "HUMBLING" PART..... 
THAT..... YUCK.
GROSS.

"SO THAT YOU WOULD FEEL LIKE YOU NEEDED THEM."
NO. DON'T DO THAT SH*T. GROSS.

THEY WANTED ME TO BE INSECURE TO BE A "CLINGER."
AND ACCEPT BS NEGGING!
FK THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FK THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BACKFIRED! 
THE DISTANCE THEY DIDN'T WANT, THEY CREATED
BY FKN ACTING LIKE THAT!

AND 12 YEARS??????!!!! WAITING THAT FKN LONG????? WTF?

IF HE HAD TREATED ME PROPERLY.....
WOULD I HAVE GONE ANYWHERE? NO?

BECAUSE?????? I CHOSE TO FKN BE THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DID I FKN NOT???????? EH?????

DO THAT SH*T TO SOMEONE WHO WAS LEGIT INTERESTED????
FOR THE RIGHT REASONS?????

WELP, THEY DON'T HAVE TO STAY FOR "NEGGING"
AND OTHER GARBAGE.

IF YOU PUSH SOMEONE "PAST THEIR LIMIT"
THEY DON'T GO BACK.

THEY SHUT DOWN!
BECAUSE THEY LITERALLY CANNOT FKN LOOK AT YOU
THE WAY THEY USED TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EVEN IF THEY FKN WANT TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THEY FKN CAN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND BEING TOLD TO MY FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BY MIRROR SMASHER:
"I WON'T TREAT YOU LIKE THAT ANYMORE."

TO. MY. FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

DID HE STOP HIS SH*T?????? OR CONTINUE?
IT. WAS. A. CHOICE. 

LIKE? NOT DOING THAT SH*T AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF THOSE FKERS COULD WALK A MILE IN MY SHOES!!!!!!
DAMN! 

"Someone was benefiting from him ignoring you."
Because: "If they trusted YOUR perspective, they'd see things differently."

THEY DIDN'T WANT THEM TO! WHY NOT???? HMMM?

HE SHOULD HAVE ASKED HIMSELF:
"WHO IS TELLING ME THE TRUTH????"
A***? OR SOMEONE "MAKING" A*** THE "PROBLEM"?
FOR WHAT REASON? HMMM?

WHEN YOU KNOW WHY..... YOU WILL KNOW!

EVEN IF THEY CAME TO ME:
"YOU WERE RIGHT...." WHAT GOOD WOULD THAT DO????

"TO ADMIT IT TO YOU,
THEY HAVE TO ADMIT IT TO THEMSELVES FIRST!"

DID THEY WANT TO?

MY SILENCE MEANT: I ALREADY SAID WHAT I FKN SAID!
TO SOMEONE WHO? WASN'T? HEARING IT?

"I didn't understand what you were trying to tell me!"
BUT? UNDERSTOOD ENOUGH TO GET "DEFENSIVE"?
AND? SH*T ON ME? UNDERSTOOD "THAT" MUCH?

"WHO KEPT TELLING THE TRUTH????"
"WHO WANTED THEM TO FKN PAY ATTENTION?"
"TO WHO WAS INFLUENCING THEM AND FKN WHY"????????
JUST THAT.

BECAUSE IF THEY SAW THAT.....
THEY'D SEE WHAT THEY WERE DOING.......
AND WHY THEY WERE DOING IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"WHO KEPT TRYING TO "MAKE" ME DOUBT A***?"

"WHEN WERE YOU INVOLVED WHEN YOU WANTED ME AGAINST A***?"

WAS I ASKING HIM TO "BLINDLY CHOOSE" ME? FK NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I LET PEOPLE INFLUENCE HOW I SAW YOU!!!!!!" YEAH!!!!!!
NOW UNDERSTAND WHY I'D BE UPSET ABOUT THAT?????!!!!
UNDERSTAND THAT AT ALL? EVEN A LITTLE BIT?

WAS I TELLING HIM THE TRUTH TO TRY TO "CONTROL" HIM?
OR WAS I TELLING HIM THE TRUTH TO TRY TO GET HIM
TO FKN SEE SOMETHING?

FOR A REASON?????? HMMM?
SO HE COULD???? SEE THAT????

SO THAT SH*T WOULD STOP?
WHEN HE PUT AN END TO THAT SH*T?
FOR HIMSELF MOSTLY????

WASN'T FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
BECAUSE IT'S HIS FKN LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHETHER HE "CHOSE" ME OR NOT.

BECAUSE HE CAN'T ARGUE WITH THE FACTS!!!!!!!!!!!!
JUST DIDN'T WANT TO SEE IT.... OKAY, BUT.... 

WAS I SUPPOSED TO TELL HIM WHAT HE "WANTED" TO HEAR?
OR WHAT HE NEEDED TO?

BOTH THOSE FKERS. 
TOO MANY FKERS.

FOOLISH FKERS.

CAN RUN FROM ME, SURE! BUT NOT FROM THE TRUTH.
AND IF I'M THE ONLY ONE TELLING IT....
THEY CAN "HATE" ON ME FOR IT.
BUT? THE TRUTH? STILL? THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHO TOLD HIM? ME? OR THEM?

"THEY GHOSTED YOU HOPING YOU'D CHASE. YOU DIDN'T."
WHY WOULD I? THEY LEFT.....
I LET THEM.... STAY.... GONE.
THAT'S WHAT THEY WANTED!
TO BE "AWAY" FROM ME.
TO LIVE WITHOUT ME....

WHO WAS I NOT TO JUST.... LET THEM GO?

SEE HOW THAT SH*T BACKFIRES?????

IF HE WASN'T GOING TO SEE THE TRUTH.....
AND WHO WAS TELLING THEM...
AND WHO WASN'T....

"SHOWING UP WHEN SOMEONE ELSE MIGHT STEP UP..."
WTF IS THAT?

WHERE WAS THAT A LONG TIME AGO?
HMMM?

SHOWING UP WHY, THOUGH?
NOT OUT OF "LOVE".
NOT OUT OF "RESPECT."

BUT? HE HAD THE CHANCE?
WHEN I GAVE IT?

BUT.... A***'S THE BACKUP PLAN.... RIGHT?
FK YOU FOR THAT SH*T.

"HE WAS NEVER GOING TO PUT YOU FIRST."
BUT? TRADE SOMETHING REAL FOR SOME BS.... 
YOU'LL GET? SOME BS! ENJOY IT! 

TRADE TRUTH FOR LIES AND YOU'LL GET???!!!
WHAT YOU TRADE FOR!!!!!!!!

YOU GET WHAT YOU SOW.
IF YOU SOW SILENCE... YOU GET IT RIGHT BACK! 

NOT TO PLAY "SILENT TREATMENT" GAMES.
BUT.... WHY TALK TO PEOPLE WHO PLAY GAMES?
JUST SO THEY CAN FK YOU AROUND?

WASN'T EVEN A REAL FKN FRIEND TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! RIGHT?
OR? WOULD HAVE BEEN A REAL FRIEND TO ME?

AND BECAUSE I DENIED ACCESS....
AFTER HE PUSHED ME AWAY WITH HIS BS....

"ANIMOSITY." OKAY. SIT WITH THAT.

JEALOUSY IS HELPING ME MANIFEST LOL.
AS WEIRD AS IT IS.... SO... THANKS! :P

THOUGHT I "NEEDED" HIM. FOR WHAT? WHAT DID I NEED HIM FOR?
IN THE LAST 12 YEARS.... DID I NEED HIM FOR ANYTHING? HMMM?
DID I ASK HIM FOR ANYTHING? NO?
DID I EVEN SPEAK TO HIM? NO?
DID I EVEN TRY TO SPEAK TO HIM? NO?

BECAUSE? TRYING TO SPEAK TO HIM... 
WAS A WASTE OF MY TIME.

FKN EMOTIONAL ABUSE. GROSS.

PLAYED WTH MY TIME, WITH MY FEELINGS....
FOR WHAT?

AND THOUGHT..... HE COULD KEEP DOING IT.... FOREVER!!!!!
1) FK YOU FOR THAT
2) FK NO!!!!!!!!!!!