Been tired. I have a week and a bit before I can do anything.
When I can, I have some immediate debts.
Already behind and that's about it, for the moment.
Getting used to not having a phone or internet.
I don't really miss it.
I miss YouTube, but that's about it.
I don't really miss the other sites.
I miss coding and that stuff that I was mostly doing here...
Anyway, a neighbor gave me some bacon. I have some eggs left from the foodbank.
We can only go to the foodbank once a month.
They give less and less food because more people are going.
SOME PEOPLE GO WHEN THEY DON'T HAVE TO.
LEAVES LESS FOR THOSE WHO ACTUALLY NEED IT.
I ONLY GO IF I HAVE TO.
MY MOTHER TOOK ME THERE WITH HER WHEN I WAS A BABY.
SOMEHOW MY BABY BRAIN REALIZED:
WE HAD TO GO THERE BECAUSE WE NEEDED TO.
AND OTHER PEOPLE ALSO GO THERE BECAUSE THEY NEED TO.
THEY GAVE US DIAPERS. I WAS STILL IN DIAPERS.
I WAS A BABY...
WHEN WE GOT HOME I TOLD MY MOM I DIDN'T NEED THEM ANYMORE
AND THAT WE SHOULD TAKE THEM BACK FOR ANOTHER BABY.
SO WE DID. AND I STAYED TRUE TO NOT NEEDING THEM.
USED THE TOILET FROM THEN ON...
SO ANOTHER BABY COULD HAVE THE DIAPERS.
BECAUSE OTHER BABIES NEEDED DIAPERS.
NOT JUST ME.
SO THEY WROTE A THANK YOU NOTE TO US FOR BRINGING THE DIAPERS BACK.
FOR ANOTHER BABY TO HAVE.
I HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT IT.
MY MOM TOLD ME.
ANYWAY... SOME PEOPLE END UP GOING TO THAT DAMN FOODBANK
ALL THEIR LIVES
BECAUSE THEY DON'T GET OUT OF THE POVERTY TRAP.
SOME DO. SOME DON'T.
SOME ACCEPT "SLOW DEATH" OVER CHANGE.
SOME ONLY CHANGE IF GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY.
SOME WAIT THEIR WHOLE LIVES FOR THE OPPORTUNITY THAT NEVER COMES.
INSTEAD OF LOOKING FOR THE OPPORTUNITY,
FINDING IT,
AND DOING SOMETHING WITH IT.
I'VE SPOKEN TO PEOPLE WHO ARE "WAITING TO JUST DIE."
A WOMAN WHO HAS CANCER IN HER MOUTH
TOLD ME IT'S TAKING A LONG TIME TO SPREAD.
SHE HAS A HARD TIME WALKING.
HER FEET ARE BUSTED.
PEOPLE WHO ARE IN "MISERY" AREN'T ENJOYING THEIR LIFE.
IT'S HARD TO BE "HAPPY" IN "CONSTANT PAIN."
I'VE BEEN IN PAIN MANY TIMES.
LIKE AFTER THE BUS CRASH. COULD BARELY EVEN SIT DOWN.
LUCKILY WE DIDN'T DIE.
WE COULD HAVE.
Anyway, I have to figure out another way to get food.
So I can budget meals and prepare meals ahead of time.
Because the way things have been going is ridiculous.
Because I need to plan ahead.
More often and get it sorted.
Yeah, I needed goals, but I also need to change my routines.
A bunch of things like that.
A better routine can actually help.
But it's not the easiest thing to do.
I've had to, and that's okay.
I had to get back to some things.
Something like a reset.
I can live without the internet.
Just some of the work I was doing got put off a bit.
I need to gain like 10 pounds. Just to be healthy.
I'm underweight again.
Even my face and hands thinned out.
Lost one of my rings because it came off my finger.
An excuse to go to the ring store.
I only went to replace the other one I lost.
I had bought a ring for myself because I had accepted
that I wasn't ever going to get married.
And I took myself out for a nice dinner,
bought myself a ring, and accepted it.
Anyway, I lost that ring. Got another one.
Recently lost that one.
I'll get a replacement eventually.
Not in a hurry, though.
I'd like to gain the weight first.
Otherwise my hands will be this thin and I'd have to get a smaller size.
I don't want to be a bone rack.
Not because it isn't attractive because I dgaf about being "attractive" at this point in my life...
For energy and stamina purposes more than anything.
Anyway, some people are TOO MISERABLE TO ENJOY ANYTHING.
LET ALONE THEIR LIFE.
Was I miserable years ago? Well, I wasn't "happy."
With myself or my life.
Still, not exactly, but at least I'm enjoying some things more than I used to.
Probably because my mind's not on "These fkers are treating me like xyz."
And sh*t like that.
BEING ALONE MEANS NOBODY IS TREATING ME LIKE SH*T BUT ME!
AND I CAN FIND WAYS TO BE BETTER TO MYSELF!
LIKE LETTING MYSELF...
ACTUALLY...
ENJOY....
SOMETHING.
FFS.
IF I CAN'T DO THAT, THERE'S SOMETHING FKN WRONG.
RIGHT?
I WASN'T FKN LETTING MYSELF ENJOY ANYTHING!
HAD MY MIND ON EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME!
TOO MUCH TO ENJOY ANYTHING!
ON BEING TREATED LIKE SH*T!
BY DUDES I FKN TRUSTED NOT TO TREAT ME LIKE SH*T!
BECAUSE I WANTED BETTER THAN TO BE TREATED LIKE SH*T?
JUST FOR THAT?
BECAUSE I REALLY COULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH WORSE!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAN I EVER WAS AT MY WORST!!!!!!!!!!!!
THEY KNOW IT, TOO!
BECAUSE EVEN AT MY WORST, I COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE!
I COULD HAVE HIT MY EX BACK WHEN HE HIT ME.
DID I? COULD HAVE. DIDN'T.
ALL THE BS GAMES PLAYED WITH ME...
I COULD HAVE BEEN PLAYING.
COULD HAVE. DIDN'T.
A LOT OF THINGS I COULD HAVE DONE AND DIDN'T.
A LOT OF THINGS OTHER PEOPLE WOULD HAVE DONE.
BECAUSE THEY HAD THE EXCUSE TO DO IT.
I HAD THE EXCUSE IF I WANTED TO USE IT.
BUT... DO 2 WRONGS MAKE A RIGHT?
NO? THEN THERE WOULD BE NO POINT.
THE REASON I'M NOT PLAYING THOSE GAMES...
IS I HAVE NO REASON TO DO IT.
THERE IS NOTHING TO "WIN"
AND IF THERE WAS...
WOULD I TRY TO "WIN" DIRTY OR CLEAN?
IF YOU HAVE TO TRY TO WIN DIRTY, IT'S TO WIN.
ONLY THAT.
NOT ABOUT THE THINGS IT SHOULD BE ABOUT.
BECAUSE 2 WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT.
IF SOMEONE WOULD RATHER "WIN" DIRTY.
THEY HAVE TO BE DIRTY.
DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO BE DIRTY.
JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE IS.
LIKE DIRTY ENOUGH TO PUNCH ME IN THE HEAD.
OR PLAY GAMES.
OR TAKE MY BAT TO MY MIRROR...
OR DO SOME OTHER BS THING TO ME.
JUST FOR WANTING TO BE TREATED FKN BETTER THAT THAT BS!!!!!!!
WOULDN'T THEY?
IF I TREATED THEM LIKE THAT?
PROBABLY!
LIKE A PERSON WHO FKN MATTERED TO THEM.
JUST THAT.
IF I DIDN'T, IT'S NOT LIKE I SUDDENLY FKN DO!
I'D BE AN IDIOT TO THINK THAT!
BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE DON'T MAGICALLY START TO CARE!
USUALLY, THEY WANT SOMETHING!
AND WOULDN'T BOTHER UNLESS THEY DID!
AND BY THE TIME THEY REALIZE WHAT LITTLE I ACTUALLY WANTED...
IT'S TOO FKN LATE.
SOMEONE SHOULD BE HAPPY WHEN THE PERSON DOESN'T WANT VERY MUCH OF THEM.
ONLY WHAT'S WORTHWHILE. THINGS THAT ARE FREE.
THINGS THAT NEVER COST ANYONE ANYTHING.
I WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY WITH THE LITTLE I ACTUALLY WANTED!
BUT I DON'T HAVE MUCH FAITH THAT ANYONE WILL UNDERSTAND THAT.
ABOUT ME.
OR ANYTHING ELSE.
THEY'D HAVE TO ACTUALLY KNOW ME.
BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH SH*T THAT I DGAF
ABOUT SHOWING ANYONE ANYTHING ABOUT ME.
I DON'T WANT TO WASTE IT ON SOMEONE WHO ACTS LIKE THAT.
EVEN SOME OF THE "GOOD" THINGS WERE "LOADED."
LIKE WAITING FOR THE SHOE TO DROP BECAUSE IT USUALLY DOES.
------------------------------------------------
I went to that "safety" meeting and straight up told them
IT'S RIDICULOUS AND IT'S EASIER FOR THEM FOR US TO DO IT.
I WALKED OUT BECAUSE ONE DUDE WAS TRYING TO EXPLAIN MY OWN OPINION TO ME.
WHY DO THAT?
TO TRY TO LOAD SUGAR ON BS!
HAD TO TRY TO COVER THEIR @SSES.
BECAUSE THE TRUTH MADE THEM LOOK FOOLISH.
I LEFT THE MEETING, NO POINT IN STAYING FOR THE REST OF IT.
IT WAS FOR SHOW, FOR ONE THING.
WHAT THEY DO IS FOR SHOW.
AND THEY HAVE "THAT" IN THE BUDGET.
ENOUGH TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THEY ARE DOING SOMETHING.
BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO, IT'S LITERALLY THEIR "JOB."
SO THEY HAVE TO MAKE A "SHOW" OF IT TO SAY "LOOK, DID MY JOB."
IT'S FKN RIDICULOUS.
IT'S A BUILDING NOT A HUGE "GROUP HOME."
THAT'S HOW THEY ARE TRYING TO TREAT IT, LIKE A "GROUP HOME."
IT ISN'T.
LIKE THEY ARE "GROUP HOME STAFF." THEY AREN'T.
BUT WHEN THEY ACT LIKE THAT, OBVIOUSLY, THAT P*SSES PEOPLE OFF.
AND KNOWING THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HOW THEY ARE ACTING
AND SHOULD BE ACTING,
IN THE ROLES THEY HAVE...
KNOWING THE DIFFERENCE AND THEY KNOW THAT I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE...
THAT'S WHY THEY TRIED TO GET A REACTION FROM ME.
WHEN THEY HAD NO REASON TO BE AT MY DOOR!
THEY GAVE THEMSELVES AN EXCUSE TO DO IT.
SO THEY DID THAT.
IF I DID THAT? WHAT WOULD THAT LOOK LIKE?
IF I SHOWED UP AT HER DOOR? UNINVITED?
DID I TELL HER I WANTED TO TALK TO HER? NO?
I HAD AN OPINION AND LEFT A MEETING LIKE I WAS ALLOWED TO DO?
THEY TRIED TO EMBARRASS ME FOR EMBARRASSING THEM.
YOU THINK I DIDN'T KNOW THEY WERE TRYING TO?
TRYING TO WAS PRETTY EMBARRASSING, TOO,
AND TO COME TO MY DOOR AFTER THAT...
WHEN ALL THE BS HERE...
HAS ZIP TO DO WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
SHE WANTED ME TO TELL THAT TO HER FACE OR SOMETHING?
BECAUSE I DID!
I HAD TO TRY TO BE POLITE ABOUT IT.
I EVEN EXPLAINED WHY I DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO HER!
AND I WASN'T OBLIGATED TO DO IT!
AND YES, MY CHOICE!
ESPECIALLY COMING TO MY DOOR TO DO THAT SH*T.
"HAD TO CHECK ON YOU BECAUSE XYZ."
NO. YOU DIDN'T.
NOT BECAUSE OF THAT.
DON'T START OFF LYING TO ME.
DON'T DO THAT SH*T.
DO THEY THINK I'M HERE TO PLAY?
BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT THOSE GAMES ARE.
THEY WANTED ME TO PLAY. I'M NOT.
I TOLD THE TRUTH. THAT SH*T WAS FOR SHOW.
IT'S NOT ABOUT WHAT WE WANT. THEY DON'T EVEN LISTEN!
THEY MAKE A SHOW ABOUT LISTENING, BUT THEY DON'T!
NOT EVEN WHEN I TOLD HER
TO HER FKN FACE
I DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO HER
AND TOLD HER WHY.
"YOU HAVE MY NUMBER IF YOU COOL DOWN."
IF I JUST FKN TOLD YOU
THAT I DON'T WANT TO FKN TALK TO YOU...
AND EXPLAINED WHY...
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
ALL I NEED IS TO COOL DOWN
TO WANT TO TALK TO YOU?
WHAT MAKES ME THINK I WILL CALL YOU?
DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME?
WHEN I SAID:
"I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU"?
AND EXPLAINED WHY?
THAT IS WHY! BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T!
SHE WANTED TO HEAR WHAT SHE WANTED!
SHE HAD SOME "REASON" TO MAKE AN "EXCUSE"
TO SHOW UP AT MY DOOR.
I KNOW THIS. I DIDN'T LIKE IT.
THEY CAN HAVE THE KEY BACK FOR THE SHED SOON.
AND THEN NO NEED TO TALK TO ME ABOUT ANYTHING.
GROWING SEASON WILL BE DONE AND NOT SIGNING UP NEXT YEAR.
EVERYONE WAS TREATING MY VEGETABLES LIKE A FREE FOR ALL
AND HARDLY GOT ANYTHING OF MINE.
IT P*SSED ME OFF.
AND A LOT OF OTHER THINGS P*SS ME OFF.
ABOUT THIS PLACE...
THE WAY THINGS ARE "MANAGED." NOT WELL.
THEY HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FROM ALL THE BUILDINGS.
SO WHERE IS IT GOING?
NOT BACK INTO THE BUILDINGS...
NOT EVEN INTO SECURITY.
SOMEONE BUSTED THE FRONT DOOR, AGAIN.
LAST YEAR, ALL THE WINDOWS WERE BROKEN...
DOES IT TAKE SOMETHING LIKE "WHOA!" TO HAPPEN
FOR THEM TO REALIZE THERE SHOULD BE SECURITY HERE?
THEY HAVE TO TAKE IT OUT OF AN EXEC'S POCKETS TO PUT SECURITY IN HERE
BECAUSE THE MONEY FOR IT IS GOING SOMEWHERE.
NOT INTO SECURITY. THAT'S FOR SURE.
EVERY DOLLAR CUT FOR SOMETHING IS GOING SOMEWHERE.
SO WHERE THEN?
IF THAT'S WHERE IT'S GOING... IT'S NOT INTO SECURITY.
"CALL SECURITY!"
AND BY THE TIME THEY GET HERE, THE CULPRITS ARE GONE!
IMAGINE THAT!
AND WE HAVE TO "FOLLOW UP"? WTF?
NO.
WE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO EVEN DEAL WITH THIS SH*T.
PEOPLE DO A BUNCH OF SH*T HERE BECAUSE THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH IT.
IF THEY COULDN'T, THEY WOULDN'T.
THEY WOULDN'T DO MOST OF THE STUFF THEY DO HERE.
THEY WANT TO PUT A FOB SYSTEM IN THE ELEVATORS.
TO DISCOURAGE ANYONE WHO DOESN'T HAVE A FOB FROM USING THE ELEVATORS.
THAT'S JUST GOING TO MAKE IT MORE OF A B*TCH FOR US TO USE THE ELEVATORS.
HALF THE TIME THERE'S ONLY ONE GOING.
BEEN STUCK IN ONE. IT JUMPED. WAS SCARY. DIDN'T ENJOY IT.
THAT SAME DAY, WHEN I GOT BACK...
SOMEONE SAID SOMEONE SH@T IN THE ELEVATOR.
THERE'S BEEN P*SS IN THERE.
THE STAIRWELLS SMELL FOUL AF.
SOME OF THE FLOORS ARE LOCKED.
SAFETY ISSUE.
ESPECIALLY IF SOMEONE CAN'T GET BACK ONTO THEIR OWN FLOOR.
ESPECIALLY IF BOTH ELEVATORS ARE OUT...
I GOT OFF ON THE WRONG FLOOR, TRIED THE STAIRS TO GO TO MINE.
MINE WAS LOCKED.
I HAD TO GO BACK DOWN TO GET THE ELEVATOR
BACK TO MY OWN FLOOR FFS.
STUPID SH*T LIKE THAT.
"IN CASE OF FIRE THE ELEVATORS ARE OUT OF SERVICE."
People have to take the stairs if there IS a fire.
Y'know?
So that's why it's a hazard to have buildings over 20 storeys.
Would be cool if there was a safety chute for quick ejection.
But anyway, the elevators are out of service for fires.
And the firepeople need them because they can put them on service
to get to whatever floor and there's a panel to see where the fire is.
