I Chose To!

One reason why some people "intentionally" leave me out...
WAS BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT
LEAVING ME OUT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL "INFERIOR."

BEING LEFT OUT... WOULD MAKE THEM FEEL THAT WAY.
SO THEY THINK IT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL LIKE THAT.

I'M OKAY WITH BEING LEFT OUT OF
THINGS I DON'T NEED TO BE A PART OF.

Initially.... It stung... Like mostly family stuff...

BUT I SAW IT FOR WHAT IT WAS.
IT DIDN'T MAKE ME WANT TO BE INCLUDED.

IF SOMEONE IS TRYING TO USE SOMETHING AGAINST ME...
LIKE A "FEAR OF MISSING OUT"

THEY ARE TRYING TO DO THAT.

WHATEVER REASONS THEY ARE DOING IT....
THEY DID THAT.

THE THING IS.... I DON'T HAVE FOMO.
TRYING TO USE FOMO AGAINST ME...
DOES NOT WORK ON ME.

THEY CAN TRY THAT... BUT IT DOES NOT WORK.

IF THEY COULD "MAKE" ME FEEL INFERIOR...
THEY COULD "MAKE" THEMSELVES FEEL "SUPERIOR."

AND SOMEHOW THAT WOULD BE "DISABLING."

BECAUSE???? THEY WOULD FEEL LIKE THAT.
SO THEY THINK THAT I WOULD.
BUT I DON'T.

LEAVING ME OUT WAS SUPPOSED TO "KEEP ME DOWN."
BUT??? WHAT WERE THEY LEAVING ME OUT OF?

SOMETHING I DON'T CARE TO BE A PART OF?

IF PEOPLE KEEP ME ON THE OUTSIDE....
I'D RATHER BE ON THE OUTSIDE!

SO HOW CAN IT BE "DISABLING" TO ME?
IT'S NOT.

BUT.... I SAW IT.

I'M NOT TRYING TO BE "BETTER" THAN ANYONE.

IT'S THAT I DON'T LOOK LIKE WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH.

THAT MAKES THEM FEEL A TYPE OF WAY.

IT SHOULDN'T.... BUT THEY DO.
EVEN THOUGH HOW THEY FEEL
HAS FK ALL TO DO WITH ME.

THE THING IS THAT LEAVING ME OUT....
OF THAT BS...

GAVE ME THE TIME I NEEDED FOR MYSELF.
TO DO THE THINGS I NEEDED TO DO.

IT DIDN'T DISABLE ME... 
IT ENABLED ME IN MANY WAYS.

THEY WANTED ME ON THE OUTSIDE
SO THAT I WOULD BE "INVESTED"
IN WANTING TO BE ACCEPTED AND INCLUDED.

I COULD CARE LESS WHAT THEY ARE DOING
OR TRYING TO DO....
AND IT TOOK ME A LONG TIME
TO EVEN FIGURE OUT WHY THEY WERE DOING IT.

THEY WANTED ME TO FEEL THE WAY THAT THEY WOULD FEEL....
IF I DID THAT SH*T TO THEM.

JUST BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO FEEL BETTER!
ABOUT THEMSELVES AND THEIR OWN LIVES!

BUT THE ONLY WAY TO FEEL BETTER....
IS NOT TO ACT LIKE THAT.

TOO BUSY "JUDGING" ME...
TO REALIZE THAT I STOPPED GIVING A FK
A VERY LONG TIME AGO....

AND I'VE BEEN FOCUSED ON OTHER THINGS.

CHOICES THEY COULD HAVE MADE...
AND DIDN'T.

COULD HAVE! BUT DIDN'T!

THEY HAD THE SAME CHOICES! RIGHT?

WHY BE "JEALOUS" OF ANYTHING I "HAVE"
THAT I HAD TO "DIG" FOR?

IF THEY WANT TO BE "BETTER" THAN ME....
WHO IS INFERIOR? ME?

DO I WANT TO BE "BETTER" THAN ANYONE? NO?

I WANT TO BE BETTER THAN WHO I USED TO BE.
THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO BE "BETTER" THAN.

THEY WANTED ME TO BE "EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE"
BECAUSE THEY ARE.

IF THEY CAN'T SEE THAT... THERE ARE MORE THINGS
THAT THEY AREN'T SEEING...

MAYBE BECAUSE THEY CAN'T SEE IT.... IDK.

AND IF I WAS "EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE"
I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO XYZ.... RIGHT?

THAT IS WHY. 

BECAUSE IF I ACHIEVED MORE THAN THEY COULD....
THAT WOULD "MAKE" THEM FEEL A TYPE OF WAY...
EVEN THOUGH WHAT I ACHIEVE IS FOR ME. NOT THEM.
HAS FK ALL TO DO WITH THEM.

NO MATTER HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT IT.

I ALREADY TRIED. I WAS THERE.
BUT? WHAT DID THEY DO WITH THAT?

HERE'S SOMETHING....
THE ONLY ONES WHO WANT YOU TO "MISS YOUR MOMENT"
ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE AFRAID OF MISSING THEIRS.
OR WHO HAVE MISSED THEIRS.

BUT THE ONLY WAY THAT YOU CAN....
IS TO WORRY ABOUT MISSING IT.

BECAUSE??? ANY MOMENT....
CAN BE YOUR MOMENT.

DO YOU KNOW IN ADVANCE? NO?
SO???? ANY MOMENT.

IT'S NOT LIKE I WANT TO WASTE TIME
TRYING TO RIDE SOMEONE ELSE'S WAVE.

IF IT ISN'T MY WAVE... WHY WOULD I WANT TO RIDE IT?

IF MY WAVE IS COMING...
AND ALL I HAVE TO DO IS WAIT FOR IT....
THEN???? WHY SHOULD I BE "BOTHERED"
WITH OR BY ANYONE ELSE'S WAVE?

SHOULD I CONCERN MYSELF
WITH ANYONE ELSE'S WAVE?

NO?

JUST BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO WAIT FOR MINE?

I'M FINE WAITING FOR IT.
BECAUSE I WILL KNOW THAT IT WAS MEANT FOR ME.

OTHER PEOPLE'S WAVES WERE MEANT FOR THEM.
RIGHT?

SO SHOULD I CONCERN MYSELF WITH ANY OF THAT? NO?

THEIR WAVE ISN'T MY WAVE. I CAN BE OKAY WITH THAT.

NOT SURE WHY THEY THINK I WOULDN'T BE...
BUT THEY SEEM TO ACT LIKE I WOULDN'T BE.

LIKE HOW AM I A "THREAT" FOR JUST BEING MYSELF?

CAN THEY BE THEMSELVES? YEAH?

IT DOES P*SS THEM OFF... WHEN THEY TRY TO ICE ME OUT...
AND I SEE THEM DOING IT...
BUT ACTUALLY NO LONGER GAF THAT THEY ARE DOING IT.

BUT..... I SEE THEM DOING IT.

IT'S BEEN DONE TO ME SINCE I WAS A KID!

EVEN BY RELATIVES FFS.

THINKING ABOUT WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN
HAD THEY NOT DONE THAT...

THAT USED TO STING... BUT?
KNOWING WHAT IT IS...

SAVED ME ANY "GRIEF" ABOUT IT.

IF THEY DO THAT.... FOR "VALIDATION"
THEY'LL DO OTHER THINGS.

SO THEN? WHY BOTHER?

PEOPLE WHO WANT TO FEEL SUPERIOR...
FEEL INFERIOR!

OR THEY WOULDN'T WANT TO FEEL SUPERIOR!
RIGHT?

BUT IMAGINE MOST PEOPLE YOU MEET....
DOING THAT SH*T?

"IF WE CAN'T BEAT HER, WE'LL TRY TO JOIN HER."
NOPE. HAD THE CHANCE TO JOIN ME.

BUT? YOU TRIED TO "DISABLE" ME?

PEOPLE GIVE ME SUCH DIRTY LOOKS!
AND THEY THINK I DON'T SEE IT!

YES, I HAVE RBF. OKAY?
BECAUSE? WHEN I'M THINKING...
I'M TOO BUSY THINKING
TO KNOW WHAT MY FACE IS DOING.
MOST OF THE TIME... I DON'T KNOW
WHAT MY FACE IS DOING.

BECAUSE WHAT MY FACE IS DOING...
ISN'T SOMETHING I REALLY CARE ABOUT LOL.

TRUTHFULLY, THEY NEVER KNEW ME....
ENOUGH TO THINK I WAS TRYING TO BE "BETTER" THAN THEM!
I WANT TO BE "BETTER" THAN WHO I WAS!

IS THAT SOMETHING SO WRONG TO WANT?
DOES THAT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM?
NEVER HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM?
THEN WHY MAKE IT ABOUT THEMSELVES?

HARD TO EXPLAIN ALL OF THE BS I'VE EXPERIENCED.
THROUGHOUT MY LIFE.

IT DOESN'T EVEN FEEL GOOD TO EXPLAIN IT, EITHER.
IT DIDN'T FEEL GOOD TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH IT.

THAT IS WHY I BECAME VERY PRIVATE.

I ISOLATE A LOT BECAUSE IT FEELS BETTER
TO BE ON MY OWN. IN MY OWN ENERGY.

IT FEELS BETTER THAN BEING AROUND PEOPLE
WHO NEVER ACTUALLY WANTED ME AROUND!

RIGHT?

AND IF THEY ACT LIKE THEY DON'T WANT ME AROUND...
THEY DON'T!!!!!!!!!!! SIMPLY PUT!

AND IF THEY DON'T KNOW ME....
THAT HAS MORE TO DO WITH THEM THAN ME!

STILL DOESN'T FEEL "GOOD" BUT????

BEING "ALONE" FEELS BETTER!!!!!!!!
A LOT BETTER!!!!!!!!!

THAN WISHING MY OWN FKN FAMILY
ACTUALLY LIKED ME!

WISHING THEY'D TREATED ME BETTER!
RIGHT?

WISHING THEY GAF ABOUT ME!

SO I DON'T WISH ANYTHING BAD ON THEM....
WHY WOULD I?

I WISH THEM ALL WELL....
I JUST DON'T HAVE TO WANT TO BE AROUND THEM!

IF THEY WANTED ME AROUND... COOL!

WE COULD HAVE ENJOYED EACH OTHER'S COMPANY!
RIGHT?

LEARNED THINGS FROM EACH OTHER!
ALL KINDS OF THINGS!

BUT????

SO I KEEP TO MYSELF NOW.
AND I'M OKAY WITH THAT.

I'M OKAY WITH THE FACT THAT THEY DON'T KNOW ME.
THEY HAD THE CHANCE TO, RIGHT?

THEY COULD HAVE HAD ME IN THEIR LIVES
IF THEY WANTED ME TO BE THERE.

BUT? 

THEY DIDN'T, AND THAT IS OKAY WITH ME!
BECAUSE? I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE THEM IN MINE.

EVERYONE WHO COULD HAVE BEEN IN MY LIFE.
EVEN TO A SMALL DEGREE....
COULD HAVE BEEN IN IT.

RIGHT?

AND THE PEOPLE I'VE BEEN THERE FOR...
WHO I SHOWED UP FOR... THEY MISS THAT FROM ME.

BUT I WAS NEVER OBLIGATED TO!
I CHOSE TO!

It Did Sting

What also bugs me....
Is when they are JUST FINE ghosting me....
BUT WHEN I WALK AWAY FROM THEIR CRAP....
THEY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT?

I was supposed to be "devastated" by it..... Right?

WASN'T THAT WHY THEY DID THAT?
TO TRY TO "DEVASTATE" ME?
EMOTIONALLY?

Welp, I didn't forget about that!

Did it sting? Yeah? 

BUT I HAD 12 YEARS TO LIVE WITHOUT THEM.
AND PICK MYSELF UP.
PICK MY LIFE UP.

Which they could have been doing. Right?

THEY DON'T EVEN REALIZE
WHAT THEY WERE PUTTING ME THROUGH
WHEN THEY DID THAT SH*T TO ME!

AND THEY DIDN'T GAF ABOUT ME
WHILE THEY WERE DOING IT.

What bugged me....
WAS THAT HE PRETENDED TO GAF....
AND HE REALLY FKN DIDN'T!!!!!

WHY PRETEND TO!?
IF YOU DON'T.... YOU DON'T!

SHOULD I PRETEND TO GAF?
OR???? ACTUALLY GAF??????!!!!!!!!

WELP, I ACTUALLY GAVE A FK....
UNTIL I HAD REASONS TO STOP GIVING A FK.

THAT IS WHY I DON'T ANYMORE.

"THEN WHY ARE YOU WRITING ABOUT IT STILL?"

BECAUSE SOME THINGS STILL BUG ME.
THAT IS THE ONLY REASON.

WELL, MAYBE SOME FKTARDUCATION, TOO.

LIKE THAT WORD? I MADE IT UP!
"FK-TARD-UCATION."

FEEL FREE TO USE IT.
ENJOY.

I USED TO COMPROMISE WAY TOO MUCH.
I USED TO "MEET PEOPLE WHERE THEY WERE."

A LOT OF THINGS I USED TO DO.

PEOPLE REMEMBER THINGS THEY DO/DID.
AND WHY THEY DID THOSE THINGS!

THEY REMEMBER.

BUT IT'S NOT FOR ME TO DO ANYTHING WITH.

EVERYTHING THEY REALIZE IS FOR THEM, NOT ME.
EVERYTHING I REALIZE IS FOR ME, NOT THEM.

SURE, I MIGHT WRITE ABOUT THINGS I REALIZED....

NOT TO "HUMBLE" ANYONE...

SO THAT MAYBE THEY WILL THINK ABOUT IT...

WHETHER THEY DO OR NOT...
HAS FK ALL TO DO WITH ME, THOUGH...

"A*** TRUSTED ME AND I DID XYZ...."

REALIZING I WAS NEVER THE ENEMY....
IS A HARD PILL TO SWALLOW.

IF I WAS ABOUT PLAYING THOSE GAMES...
I WOULD HAVE! RIGHT?

NEVER EXPECTED XYZ....

BUT? I COULD HAVE DONE HIM SO DIRTY!

RIGHT? DID I?
NO?

EVEN AFTER HE DID ME LIKE THAT?

WANTED ME TO FEEL A TYPE OF WAY
ABOUT THE CARELESSNESS.

I DID.... BUT... 
THE TRUTH COMES OUT!

IN WAYS THEY DON'T LIKE!

ESPECIALLY? WHEN THEY LIE?
AND WHY?

AFTER I GET SOME THINGS STRAIGHT FOR MYSELF....
I'LL SETTLE SOME OTHER THINGS...

AFTER THAT... MY SLATE IS CLEAN.

ENERGY DOESN'T LIE... EITHER.

SURE, I WAS ANGRY....
BUT IF I ACTED IN ANGER?

INSTEAD OF WRITING ABOUT WHY I WAS ANGRY?
IF I HAD "RETALIATED"?

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN PUTTING OUT ENERGY
IN THE WRONG WAY
FOR THE WRONG REASONS.

THEY WANTED TO "ANTAGONIZE" AND CRAP.
RIGHT?

SCARE TACTICS DON'T BAIT ME IN.
THEY MAKE ME WANT TO BARF.

"I'M GOING TO BLOCK YOU FOR ONE LAST TIME."

DO YOU THINK THAT'S GOING TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE TO ME?

YOU WERE NOT IN MY LIFE FOR 12 FKN YEARS!!!!!!! RIGHT?
SO WHAT DIFFERENCE WOULD THAT MAKE?????
ANY?
NO?

WHY SAY IT? JUST DO IT! 

HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING THE WHOLE TIME!
ALL THE FKERS DID! 
ALL THE FKTARDS KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING!
THEY ARE BEING FKTARDED!
BY CHOICE!

I DON'T HATE THE GUY..... JUST I DO NOT TRUST HIM.
I DON'T WANT TO BE FRIENDS....
AND I DEFINITELY DON'T WANT TO DATE HIM.

THEY THOUGHT THAT I WOULD....
TRY TO COME BACK AROUND....
"NEEDING" THEM....

FOR WHAT?

WAS ANYONE AROUND???? ANYONE?
NO?

IS THAT WHY I BOUNCED BACK?
WITH WHO'S "HELP"?

SO WHY WOULD I "NEED" HIS?

ALL THE "DAMAGE" SOMEONE CAUSES....
THEY GET IT BACK.... TIMES TEN.

IT DOESN'T FEEL GOOD!

BUT??? IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO.

GASLIGHTING ME....
BECAUSE THEY CAN'T GO DEEPER?

AND THAT'S BECAUSE I'M "CRAZY"?

OR BECAUSE THEY CAN'T?

WHAT THEY THOUGHT WAS GOING TO BE TEMPORARY....
WASN'T!

"A*** NEVER CAME BACK!"
"A*** DOESN'T HAVE MY BACK LIKE SHE WOULD HAVE!"

WELP, "WOULD HAVE."
IF WHAT?

IF HE HAD MINE, TOO?
DID HE? NO?

THE THING IS.... IT USUALLY TAKES A LOT....
A LOT!!!!!! 

TO REALLY P*SS ME OFF.

AND IT'S MOSTLY WHEN PEOPLE GO OUT OF THEIR WAY.....
TO DO THINGS....

THEY KNOW THEY SHOULDN'T BE DOING....

BUT CHOSE TO DO ANYWAY... 

NEVER THOUGHT ANY OF IT WOULD BACKFIRE, EITHER.

I USED TO BE PRETTY FKD UP.... OKAY?
I USED TO DO FKD UP THINGS
FOR FKD UP REASONS...

THAT'S WHAT I KNEW.

I HAD TO CHANGE MYSELF, AND MY LIFE.

NOT JUST BECAUSE SOME SH*T BACKFIRES....
YES, IT DOES....
AND WHEN IT DOES....
IT CAN SCORCH YOU PRETTY BADLY.

IF YOU DO THINGS OUT OF A "DARK PLACE"
YOU GET THINGS FROM THE SAME "DARK PLACE."

HAVE I BEEN SELFISH BEFORE? YEAH?

DID I LEARN SOME THINGS ABOUT THAT? YEAH?

DID I MATURE? YEAH?

NOT JUST BECAUSE "I HAD TO."
NOT JUST BECAUSE I "REALIZED" THINGS.

I HAD MY OWN "LESSONS" TO LEARN!

"THE HARD WAY!" FFS!
WAS IT FUN? NO?

THERE WAS SOMEONE FROM MY PAST
WHO I COULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH BETTER TO!
WHO TREATED ME THE WAY I HAD WANTED TO BE TREATED!

WAS I FKD UP? WHEN HE AND I WERE DATING? YEAH?
DID HE DESERVE BETTER? YEAH?

I WAS THE ONE WHO ENDED IT.

IT WASN'T BECAUSE OF HIM, THOUGH!
IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS FKD UP...
AND I TRUSTED SOMEONE WHO WAS FKD UP.

IT WASN'T BECAUSE OF HIM!
HE DID EVERYTHING RIGHT!
FOR ALL THE RIGHT REASONS!

COULD I HAVE APPRECIATED HIM MORE THAN I DID?
YEAH?

I WASN'T WITH HIM FOR THE WRONG REASONS, THOUGH.
MY FEELINGS FOR HIM WERE REAL.

HOWEVER, YES, HE DID DESERVE WAY BETTER.
AND NO "SORRY" WOULD MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE.

THAT WAS MY "LESSON."
HE WAS. 

I SAW MYSELF THROUGH HIM.
AFTER THE FACT, YES, BUT I SAW.

THINGS ABOUT MYSELF I NEVER REALLY WANTED TO
ACKNOWLEDGE ABOUT MYSELF.

AND I HAD TO ASK MYSELF, HONESTLY....
"A***, WHY TF ARE YOU LIKE THIS?"

DID I WANT TO ASK MYSELF THAT? NO?
DID I WANT TO BELIEVE I HAD ANY REASONS TO CHANGE? NO?

SHOULD I HAVE BEEN MAKING THOSE CHANGES
WHILE HE AND I WERE TOGETHER?

TO MAKE OUR RELATIONSHIP BETTER?
TO MAKE IT LAST?

TO INCREASE HIS TRUST IN ME?
TO INCREASE MY TRUST IN MYSELF?

TO SHOW HIM THAT I GAF?
ABOUT HIM?
ABOUT US?

ABOUT EVERYTHING HE DID FOR ME?
BECAUSE HE GAF?

YEAH... I SHOULD HAVE.

WAS I READY TO, AT THAT TIME?
I WAS A FKN ALCOHOLIC AT THAT TIME.

DID THAT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM? NO?

ALL MY BS HAD EVERYTHING TO DO WITH ME!!!!!!!!
NOT HIM!!!!!!!!!

SO IF YOU THINK I DON'T FKN KNOW
WHAT IT IS LIKE
TO HAVE TO LEARN A LESSON....

I DO!!!!!!!!!!

I HAVE NO PROBLEM SAYING IT!

SO WHEN I GET A BUNCH OF BS.....
CAN I CRY ABOUT IT?
NO?

WHEN I WISHED 12 YEAR DISCARD WELL....
THAT WAS ME GIVING HIM GRACE!

IF I WENT TO MY EX... TO EVEN APOLOGIZE TO HIM....
WHAT COULD I EVEN EXPECT?

HE COULD HAVE TOLD ME TO FK RIGHT OFF!
RIGHT?

"WHY WAS TRYING TO TEAR A*** DOWN....
SO IMPORTANT TO EVERYONE?"

"WHERE WERE THE BS LIES COMING FROM?"

MOST OF WHAT I TOLD MIRROR SMASHER....
WAS OUT OF LOVE.
WHETHER HE REFUSED TO LISTEN OR NOT....
THAT WAS NEVER UP TO ME.

"WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

I KNOW IT COMES BACK, THOUGH.
I'VE ALREADY HAD IT BACK.

MANY TIMES.
SO I CAN'T CRY ABOUT IT.

I DIDN'T END THINGS WITH HIM TO HURT HIM.
NEVER MEANT TO HURT HIM, EVER.
HE WAS REAL WITH ME AND TO ME.
HE NEVER DESERVED ANY OF MY BS.

BUT IT WASN'T FOR THE WRONG REASONS.

I NEVER DATED HIM FOR THE WRONG REASONS.
EVEN THOUGH I WAS SELFISH AND IMMATURE.

BUT???? HE DESERVED BETTER THAN ME!!!!!!!!!!
EVEN THOUGH MY FEELINGS WERE REAL!!!!!!!!

I JUST... COULDN'T LOVE HIM
THE WAY HE NEEDED AND DESERVED FROM ME
OR FROM ANYONE ELSE.

I WAS TOO FKD UP TO EVEN BE IN THAT RELATIONSHIP.
IT WASN'T FAIR TO HIM!

NOT BECAUSE I WANTED TO "HURT" HIM.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT IF I WANTED TO!
I ALREADY KNEW HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING
TO ME TO DESERVE THAT!

SO WHY WOULD I WANT TO "HURT" HIM?

IF ANYTHING, I SET HIM FREE!
SO HE COULD BE WITH SOMEONE BETTER THAN ME!

HE DESERVES SOMEONE BETTER THAN ME!
WHO ISN'T AS FKD UP AS I WAS!

YES.... WE BROKE UP A LONG TIME AGO....
BUT??? WILL I ALWAYS HAVE FOND MEMORIES?
OF HIM AND I?

YEAH?

DO I HAVE TO "BEAT MYSELF UP"
FOR NOT BEING SOMEONE WHO COULD LOVE HIM
THE WAY HE DESERVED TO BE LOVED?

NO?

I WAS A FKN FKD UP ALCOHOLIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
NOT THAT IT WAS AN EXCUSE TO BE A POS TO ANYONE!
IT ISN'T!

BUT THAT IS A REASON I WAS FKD UP!
AND WASN'T AT HIS LEVEL!

I KNOW HE COULD HAVE DONE SO MUCH BETTER!

WHAT HE EVER SAW IN ME.... IDK!!!!!!

"WHAT IS IT ABOUT A***
THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE ACTING LIKE THIS?"

BECAUSE THERE WAS SOMETHING ABOUT ME
THAT MADE THEM FEEL LIKE ACTING LIKE THEY DID.

WHAT WAS IT? ONLY THEY KNOW.

THERE WAS NO "GROWTH" THERE.

EVEN THOUGH?
THEY CAN EASILY TREAT OTHERS
THE WAY THEY COULD HAVE TREATED ME!

RIGHT?

PEOPLE ARE INTIMIDATED BY ME...
BECAUSE THEY REALIZE
THAT I CAN SEE THINGS...

THAT THEY DON'T WANT TO SEE.
OR EVEN THINK ABOUT.

ANYWAY.... ABOUT THE GUY I DATED...
WHO PUT UP WITH ALL MY BS... 

HE PUT UP WITH IT
MUCH LONGER THAN HE NEEDED TO.

RIGHT?

BECAUSE????
HE DIDN'T WANT TO HURT ME EITHER!

HE SAW MY POTENTIAL, MAYBE....

BUT NONE OF MY BS WAS "ATTRACTIVE."
LET'S JUST SAY THAT.

AND HE WAS EXTREMELY GENEROUS TO ME!
EXTREMELY!

OKAY?

DID I DESERVE ANY OF THAT? NO?
I DIDN'T!

I CAN ADMIT THAT!
I CAN BE HONEST ABOUT THAT!

HE WAS SOMEONE GOOD TO ME...
I RUINED IT. THAT WAS ME, NOT HIM.

WE DATED ALMOST 20 YEARS AGO!
WAS I AT MY BEST BACK THEN? NO?

NOT EVEN CLOSE!

I WAS A SH*TTY GIRLFRIEND!
AND YES.... HE DESERVED BETTER!

IF I WAS FULL OF MYSELF.... 
WOULD I BE ABLE TO EVEN ADMIT THAT?

PROBABLY NOT!

I WOULDN'T SEE WHERE I WENT "WRONG"!
I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO SAY THAT I FKD UP!
OR THAT I WAS FKD UP!

OR THAT HE DESERVED BETTER!

AT THAT TIME, DID I EVEN KNOW HOW FKD UP I WAS?
DID I SEE HOW I WAS FKD UP?
OR WHY I WAS FKD UP?

DID I SEE ANYTHING? ABOUT MYSELF?
DID I WANT TO?

BUT DID I HAVE TO?

YEAH, I HAD TO. 
IF I DIDN'T SEE IT?

WOULD I STILL BE LIKE THAT?
MAYBE!

BUT ANYONE WHO TRIED TO USE ME
AS A "SOURCE"
HAS A HARD TIME TRYING TO FIND ANOTHER ONE.

BECAUSE I ACTUALLY CARED.

THEY CAN'T FIND PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY CARE....
BECAUSE MOST DO NOT GAF!

THEY DON'T!
AND THEY FIND OUT!

THEY DIDN'T WANT ME TO "WAKE UP."
TO SOME FACTS... 

BUT.... I DID. 

ONCE YOU DO..... 
YOU DON'T UNSEE THE THINGS YOU WILL SEE!

THE MORE THAT YOU DO SEE... 
THE MORE THAT YOU CAN SEE.

THAT.... INCREASES.... YOUR????
AWARENESS!

DID I WANT TO LOOK AT MYSELF? NO?
WHY WAS THAT?

BECAUSE THERE WERE SOME THINGS...
THAT OBVIOUSLY WERE NOT COOL
ABOUT ME.

ABOUT ME, ABOUT WHAT I WAS DOING....
AND WHY I WAS DOING IT.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH EXAMINING
THOSE THINGS ABOUT OURSELVES.

IS IT EASY? IS IT FUN?
DOES IT FEEL GOOD?

NO! IT ISN'T!
IT DOESN'T.

I HAD FKN ANXIETY ATTACKS.... AND THINGS LIKE THAT....
WHEN I FIRST STARTED LOOKING AT MYSELF... OKAY?

IT AFFECTED MY SLEEP!
AND OTHER THINGS!

YES, IT WAS SHAME STUFF....
BUT ACTUAL GUILT STUFF, TOO.

I REALIZE HOW MY BS LOOKED. OKAY?
HOW IT LOOKED ON ME!

WHEN I SAW IT.... HOW COULD I NOT SEE IT?

DID IT TAKE A LOT FOR ME TO SEE IT? YEAH?
A LONG TIME TO SEE IT? YEAH?

YES.... IT TOOK ME A LOT TO SEE IT.
IT TOOK ME FAR TOO LONG TO SEE IT, TOO.

AND SEEING IT, NOW....
DOESN'T MEAN HE OWES ME ANOTHER CHANCE.

IF HE WANTED TO GIVE ME ONE, I'D LIKELY TAKE IT...
I'M IN A BETTER PLACE THAN I WAS, NOW...

BUT HE DOESN'T OWE ME ANYTHING.

IF ANYTHING, I OWE HIM.

AND MAYBE I MIGHT BE IN A PLACE
WHERE I CAN.... SOMEHOW MAKE THINGS UP TO HIM...

IF I EVER GET THE CHANCE TO DO THAT... I WOULD.

NOT THAT HE'D BE EXPECTING THAT...
HE COULD BE MARRIED NOW... FOR ALL I KNOW.

AND EVEN SO... MAKING IT UP TO HIM...
WOULDN'T BE ABOUT TRYING TO GET BACK WITH HIM.

IT WOULD BE ABOUT ACKNOWLEDGING
THAT HE DESERVED BETTER FROM ME ALL ALONG.

THAT'S ALL. EVEN THOUGH HE KNOWS IT.

AND IF HE DOESN'T, HE SHOULD.
THAT'S ALL THAT IT WOULD BE ABOUT.

BECAUSE HAD I BEEN AT HIS LEVEL....
WE COULD HAVE MADE THINGS WORK.
WE WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY TOGETHER.

WE'D HAVE GOTTEN MARRIED.
LIKELY.

I WAS THE ONE WHO FKD IT UP, NOT HIM.

ANYWAY... THAT WAS.... THAT RELATIONSHIP.
THAT'S WHERE I WAS AT.... WHEN HE AND I DATED.

LIKE 20 YEARS AGO.
AND I'VE ONLY BEEN SOBER FOR 12 YEARS.

I WISH I HAD BEEN "READY." FOR HIM.
FOR WHAT HE WAS OFFERING TO ME.
TO BE BETTER THAN I WAS.

BECAUSE HE DESERVED THAT.

SO I HAD TO SEE SOME THINGS....
THAT WEREN'T EASY TO SEE.

WASN'T PLEASANT TO SEE MYSELF AS I WAS!
DIDN'T FEEL GOOD!

TO ASK MYSELF SOME THINGS I COULD HAVE ASKED MYSELF...
A VERY LONG TIME AGO.

PART OF WHY I ASK CERTAIN QUESTIONS ON HERE.

BECAUSE A LOT OF THINGS I COULD HAVE ASKED MYSELF....
THAT I WASN'T ASKING MYSELF.

COULD HAVE ASKED MYSELF A LONG TIME AGO!!!!!!!!!
BUT WAS I????? NO?

I WASN'T???? 

WHO WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR FACILITATING MY GROWTH?
HIM???? NO???

ME! I WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT....
FOR BEING AS FKD UP AS I WAS...
FOR CHOOSING WHAT I CHOSE...
FOR ALL KINDS OF THINGS THAT PERTAIN TO ME.

I AM! NOT HIM... NOBODY ELSE. I AM.

BUT BECAUSE I DO MAKE SOME CHANGES...
SOME PEOPLE LOOK TO ME
LIKE I'M GOING TO BE
THEIR FACILITATOR....

EVEN THOUGH....
I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT.
THEY ARE.

I'M NOT OBLIGATED TO ALWAYS BE THERE.
SO ASSUMING THAT I WOULD BE....

KINDA FOOLISH. RIGHT?

I HAD TO RELEASE SOME THINGS. RIGHT?

IF I DIDN'T BREAK SOMETHING....
I SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO "FIX" IT.

AND IF THEY TAKE TOO LONG.....
WHY WOULD I BE INTERESTED?

AM I SUPPOSED TO BE EXACTLY WHERE THEY LEFT ME?
WONDERING WHY THEY TOOK AS LONG AS THEY DID?

OR???? WAS I ALLOWED TO JUST....
NOT BE INTERESTED ANYMORE?

AND WHEN THEY FINALLY APPROACH ME... 
ARE THEY TRYING TO GET SOMETHING FROM ME?

AN OPPORTUNITY.... TO APOLOGIZE TO ME...
ISN'T AN OPPORTUNITY TO BE IN MY LIFE AGAIN.

BECAUSE THEY COULD HAVE BEEN AND WEREN'T.

OFTEN.... THEY ARE AFRAID TO APPROACH ME
AFTER HOW THEY DID ME.

THAT'S WHY IT CAN TAKE A LONG TIME.
TO EVEN TRY TO.

BUT WHEN THEY TRY TO....
THEY ALREADY TOOK TOO LONG...

AND... THEY COME ACROSS AS SOMEONE
WHO WANTS SOMETHING FROM ME.

HAD ENOUGH OF PEOPLE
WANTING THINGS FROM ME. 

OKAY? ENOUGH OF THAT.
AND THOSE KINDS OF PEOPLE.

THE THING IS.... I KNEW THAT 12 YEAR DISCARD....
WAS INSECURE.
I KNEW THIS ABOUT HIM.

I DIDN'T GAF ABOUT HIS INSECURITIES.
BUT WHAT I DID GAF ABOUT
WAS.... TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL INSECURE....

ABOUT MYSELF.

THAT SH*T ISN'T COOL.

BUT I HAD TO MAKE CHANGES... 
WITHOUT HIM.

TO MYSELF AND MY OWN LIFE.
WITHOUT HIM.

MIRROR SMASHER HAD INSECURITIES TOO!

IF HE DIDN'T.... WHY WOULD HE FEEL
"EMASCULATED" BY ME....
FOR JUST TELLING HIM THE TRUTH?

IS THE TRUTH "EMASCULATING"?
OR JUST THE TRUTH?

AM I TRYING TO "EMASCULATE" YOU?
OR AM I BEING HONEST WITH YOU?

BECAUSE.... COMING FROM SOMEONE ELSE...
SOMEONE THEY RESPECTED....
THEY'D TAKE IT DIFFERENTLY?
MAYBE?

THESE FKTARDS.... WANTED ME TO "FIGHT"
TO "SHOW THEM" THAT I "CARED."

IF THEY NEEDED "ASSURANCE" FROM ME...
THERE ARE OTHER WAYS OF GETTING IT.

NOT LIKE THAT. THAT IS BS.
NOT NECESSARY.
NOT ATTRACTIVE.
NOT COOL.

YES.... I SEE PEOPLE'S INSECURITIES.
BUT? DO I EXPLOIT THEM? NO?

DO I HAVE ANYTHING TO EXPLOIT THEM FOR?
DO I EVEN WANT TO BE LIKE THAT? NO?
THAT'S WHY I'M NOT LIKE THAT?

NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO SEE SOMEONE'S INSECURITIES...
WILL STILL ACCEPT THEM.
OR WILL TRY TO DEAL WITH THEM.
OR WANT TO TRY TO DEAL WITH THEM....
JUST TO DEAL WITH THEM....
WITHOUT WANTING ANYTHING.

I HAVE MY OWN STUFF, RIGHT?

WHY DID THEY HAVE TO "SEE ME IN A DIFFERENT LIGHT"
TO EVEN SEE ME AT ALL?

BECAUSE???? PEOPLE LIED TO THEM ABOUT ME?
AND THEN..... THEY REALIZE THAT IT WAS A LIE?

AND THAT IF THEY BELIEVED THE LIES...
THEY WOULDN'T WANT TO DEAL WITH ME?

THAT IS WHY THEY WERE MADE TO BELIEVE
WHATEVER IT WAS ABOUT ME?

"IF I GET THIS DUDE TO LOOK AT A*** LIKE SHE'S XYZ...."
"THAT DUDE WON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH HER ANYMORE."

IMAGINE THAT?

BECAUSE THERE ARE SOME WOMEN WHO GET JEALOUS
AND PETTY ABOUT ME BEING WITH SOMEONE?

WHEN THEY COULD HAVE JUST.... NOT INTERFERED?

THAT SH*T IS STILL DISAPPOINTING... BUT IT IS WHAT IT IS.

THIS IS WHY I RARELY DEAL WITH OTHER FEMALES.

PART OF WHY....

IT'S JUST FELT EASIER TO BE MYSELF AROUND GUYS.

CAN'T REALLY EXPLAIN THAT.

I HAVEN'T FELT "OKAY" TO BE MYSELF
AROUND OTHER FEMALES.

I'VE MOSTLY BEEN A TOMBOY.

A LOT OF DUDES DON'T REALLY DIG THAT...
THEY LIKE FEMININE CHICKS....

CHICKS WHO DRESS LIKE CHICKS...
CHICKS WHO WEAR MAKEUP
AND DO THE FEMALE STUFF.

WHICH IS FINE.
IF THAT'S WHAT THEY LIKE, THEY LIKE THAT.

I'M JUST.... NOT... THAT.

IF THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE INTO....
THEY CAN JUST SAY THAT.

I REMEMBER... WHEN I WAS LIKE 15 OR SO...
THERE WAS A GUY...

WHO WANTED TO DATE ME.

THE WAY HE APPROACHED IT, THOUGH....
"I'LL BUY THE THINGS THAT WILL MAKE YOU PRETTY."

THAT IS WHAT HE SAID.

GRANTED HE WAS PROBABLY DRUNK....
WE ALL DRANK....
AT THAT PLACE....

BUT.... THAT CRAP... ISN'T ME.

WAS THE WRONG WAY TO APPROACH ME...
TO ACTUALLY DATE ME....

BUT... AT LEAST KNOW....
THAT CRAP ISN'T ME...

I KNEW IT WOULD NOT WORK....
BECAUSE HE OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T KNOW ME.

PART OF WHY HE DIDN'T KNOW ME...
WAS WHEN WE FIRST MET....
HE WAS WITH SOMEONE...
SO HE HAD NO REASON TO KNOW ME.

WHICH WAS FINE.

BUT.... HE.... DIDN'T KNOW ME.

SO WHY WOULD I WANT TO DATE HIM?

MAYBE.... GIRLS WANT TO BE CONSIDERED "PRETTY"
WITHOUT ANY OF THAT CRAP.

MAYBE... THEY WANT A DUDE
TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF GIRL THEY ARE.

I "TRIGGER" PEOPLE OFTEN.

AND WHAT THEY DO....
IS THEY TRY TO "BRING ME DOWN"
TO FEEL "HIGHER" THAN ME.

THEY'LL BE "NICE" TO ME...
GET MY "TRUST"

AND THEN TRY TO "HUMILIATE" ME.

AND I DIDN'T THINK PEOPLE WOULD DO
THAT BS TO ME.

WHY WOULD I THINK THEY WOULD DO THAT?!

DID I DO ANYTHING TO THEM?
FOR THEM TO DO THAT? NO?

THEN WHY WOULD I THINK THEY WOULD DO THAT?

"IF I CAN GET A***, I CAN GET BETTER THAN A***."
OKAY. COOL.
DIDN'T THINK THEY WERE LIKE THAT.

BUT THEY CHOSE TO BE LIKE THAT.

BECAUSE THEY CHOSE TO BE LIKE THAT, 
I DON'T FKN NEED THAT.... 

IF SOMEONE NEEDS TO COMPARE ME TO SOMEONE....
THEY CAN HAVE WHOEVER THEY WERE COMPARING ME TO.

IF THEY GO OUT OF THEIR WAY.... TO DO XYZ... 
THEY ARE CHOOSING TO GO OUT OF THEIR WAY...
TO DO XYZ!

THE ONLY TIME I "HUMILIATE" ANYONE....
IS WHEN THEY TRY TO DO THAT SH*T TO ME.

AND SOMETIMES SOME PEOPLE ARE ACTUAL "HATERS"
WHEN THEY PRETEND TO LIKE YOU.

"I'M NOT YOUR EMOTIONAL PUNCHING BAG."
BUT I'M YOURS????!!!! WTF????

"IF THEY NEED ME... I CAN XYZ..."
THAT'S WHY THEY WANTED ME TO NEED THEM.

AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHY....
ANYONE WAS ACTING LIKE THAT TO ME.

"I WANT WHAT SHE HAS."

"HOW CAN SHE GET XYZ? NOT FAIR!"

DO YOU THINK THAT SH*T WAS EASY????
NO, IT WASN'T.

SOME PEOPLE LITERALLY WANT ME TO SUFFER...
BECAUSE THEY ARE TRYING TO "BE BETTER" THAN ME.

AND I'M OVER HERE... WONDERING WHY...
THEY WOULD ACT LIKE THAT AT ALL.

I DIDN'T THINK THEY WOULD HAVE ANY REASON!
TO ACT LIKE THAT!

I CAN'T EVEN HOPE THAT THEY WILL CHANGE....
BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO!

THEY WANT WHAT I "HAVE"
BUT THEY DON'T WANT TO DO THE "WORK"
TO GET IT!

HINT: "IF YOU DON'T GO WITHIN.... YOU GO WITHOUT!"

AS SOON AS THEY SWITCH ON ME... IT'S OVER.
JUST LIKE THAT.

CAN I BE WITH SOMEONE WHO WOULD SWITCH ON ME?
NO?

BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING THERE!

NOTHING BUT??? SWITCHING UP!
AND WHATEVER BS CAUSED THAT SH*T.

BETRAYAL CAN COME OUT OF FKN NOWHERE!

AND WHEN IT DOES...... CAN I UNSEE THAT?

BUT? THEY CHOSE TO MOVE LIKE THAT?

DO MY OPPORTUNITIES "STOP"
JUST BECAUSE OF SOMEONE?

NO?

"WAIT! A*** ACTUALLY IS WHO SHE SAYS SHE IS?"
"AND I HAD NO REAL REASON TO DO HER LIKE THAT?"
"I DIDN'T WANT TO SEE HER SUCCEED IF I WASN'T!
EVEN THOUGH SHE WOULD HAVE HELPED ME?"

AND WHEN IT IS OVER.... IT IS. JUST THAT. OKAY.

IF WE WERE COOL, AND NOW WE AREN'T....
DID YOU MAKE IT THAT WAY?

IF YOU DID.... THAT IS WHY WE'RE NOT COOL ANYMORE.
JUST THAT.

BECAUSE? WE COULD HAVE BEEN COOL?
ESPECIALLY IF WE ONCE WERE?

THEN WHAT? WHY? JUST THAT.

Opportunities (Part 2)

Some people absolutely GAF ABOUT MONEY!
AND HOW THEY ACT REFLECTS THAT!
HOW THEY TREAT PEOPLE REFLECTS THAT!

SOME PEOPLE NEVER GAF ABOUT THAT!

Sure, money is "nice to have..."
GOOD FOR THOSE WHO HAVE IT!
GOOD FOR THEM!

BUT DOES IT "MAKE" THEM "BETTER"
AS HUMANS?
JUST FOR HAVING IT?
NO?

LOTS OF RICH PIECES OF SH*T, RIGHT?

DOES BEING RICH MEAN THEY ARE A GREAT PERSON?
NO? IT DOESN'T?

SO WHY WOULD THAT MATTER?

That dude I briefly dated... Who had money...
I don't know why he brought it up
AT PRETTY MUCH EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO DO IT.

DID HE THINK THAT WOULD "IMPRESS" ME?
WELP, IT TURNED ME OFF, ACTUALLY.

IT DID THE OPPOSITE OF WHATEVER HE THOUGHT
IT WAS "GOING TO" DO.

SOME PEOPLE ARE IMPRESSED BY THAT.
SURE.

There's a marketer I've wanted to work with.
On some stuff.

THE WORK ITSELF INTERESTS ME.

SURE, HE MAKES MONEY. COOL.
GOOD FOR HIM.

BUT THAT'S NOT WHY I'D WORK WITH THE GUY.

THE WORK ITSELF... IS WHAT INTERESTS ME.
NOT HOW MUCH MONEY HE MADE.
OR MAKES ETC.

LIKE I SAID... "GOOD FOR HIM!"

I DIDN'T THINK OF HIM AS:
"I WANT TO TRY TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HIM."

NEVER LOOKED AT HIM LIKE THAT.

I'VE ALWAYS LOOKED AT HIM AS:
(HIS NAME) AND HE IS A PERSON FROM (HIS HOMETOWN).

HE ACTUALLY IMPRESSED ME
WAY BEFORE HE EVER GOT TO WHERE HE IS NOW.

I FOLLOWED HIM FOR YEARS BEFORE NOW.

I KNEW HE'D GO FAR.... YES...
BUT... TO ME.... HE'S (HIS NAME).
A PERSON.

IF HE WANTED TO GET TO KNOW ME...
AS A PERSON, HE WAS WELCOME TO....

BUT I RARELY APPROACHED HIM
ABOUT ANYTHING...

BECAUSE PEOPLE LIKE HIM....
WHO HAVE MADE MONEY....

ARE USED TO PEOPLE....
BEING INTERESTED IN HIS MONEY.

1) I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO THINK THAT ABOUT ME.
2) I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO HIM
3) I KNOW HOW IT FEELS 
4) HE IS MORE THAN WHAT HE HAS OR WHAT HE CAN DO
5) PEOPLE LIKE HIM ARE PRIVATE PEOPLE FOR A REASON

AND.... WHY WOULD HE GAF ABOUT WHAT I WANT?
IF I WANTED ANYTHING FROM HIM?

HE GETS A LOT OF ATTENTION AS A MARKETER.
BECAUSE HE IS ONE.
HE IS PRETTY GOOD AT IT.
HE'S ACHIEVED WHAT HE HAS.

BUT????? HE IS A PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!
HE HAS A LIFE!!!!!!!

THERE'S MORE TO HIM THAN BEING AN XYZ!!!!!!!!!

HE ISN'T AN "OPPORTUNITY."
HE IS A PERSON.

IF SOMEHOW HE LOST EVERYTHING HE ATTAINED....
HE'D STILL BE A PERSON!!!!!!!!!! RIGHT?

IF HE HAD TO "START OVER"??? YEAH?

HE'D HAVE THE EXPERIENCE... BUT????
HE'D STILL BE A PERSON!

ANYWAY.... I HAVE BEEN ISOLATING MYSELF
FROM MOST PEOPLE...

BEEN EMOTIONALLY BURNT OUT!!!!!!!

BEEN PROJECTED ON..... SH@T ON....
ALL KINDS OF CRAP!

WOULD YOU NOT BE TIRED OF THAT? TOO?
PROBABLY!

I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER "ALONE"!

I ONLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH MY OWN CRAP!
RIGHT?

NOT THEIRS AND MINE!
FK THAT!

I JUST HAVE A DIFFERENT EXPERIENCE, BUT I HAVE SOME.
DEALING WITH THAT CHANGED ME IN SOME WAYS.

I'M NOT THE SAME PERSON AS I USED TO BE.

I'M NOT "THE VICTIM OF MY CIRCUMSTANCES."
I AM A PERSON WHO DOES NOT NEED TO ADAPT
TO ANYONE'S BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEY EITHER GAF ABOUT ME OR THEY DON'T!

IF THEY DON'T.... THEY DON'T HAVE TO.
BUT? "GOOD TO KNOW."

IF PEOPLE WANT TO SLAM THE DOOR IN THEIR OWN FACE....
COOL! GO AHEAD AND DO THAT!

IF THEY DID THAT 12 YEARS AGO....
THEY ARE LIKELY TO DO IT AGAIN?

SO WHY WOULD I TRUST THAT?

I'M 42 YEARS OLD!
MONTHS AWAY FROM 43!

I'M RESTING!!!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE I NEED TO!

BECAUSE???? NOT EVERYONE IS GOING TO 
LOOK AT ME AS A FKN PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND IF THEY DON'T?
WILL THEY GET TO KNOW ME AS A PERSON?
NO?

DID HE GET TO KNOW ME AS A PERSON 12 YEARS AGO?
NO?

HE COULD HAVE, RIGHT?
I WAS RIGHT THERE!

WHY WAS I THERE?
TO GET TO KNOW HIM AS A PERSON!

SOMEONE I TRUSTED!
SOMEONE I WAS EVEN ATTRACTED TO AT ONE POINT!

RIGHT?

WAS I THERE BECAUSE HIS DAD HAS A STORE?
NO?

DID I GAF THAT HIS DAD HAS A STORE? NO?

HIS DAD HAVING A STORE HAS FK ALL TO DO WITH HIM!
AND FK ALL TO DO WITH ME!

I DIDN'T THINK HE WAS SO INTO "CLOUT"
AND WAS THAT MATERIALISTIC.....

THAT HE WOULD LOOK AT ME
THE WAY THAT HE DID!

I NEVER THOUGHT HE WAS LIKE THAT.

I NEVER THOUGHT HE'D LIE ABOUT HIMSELF
OR ABOUT ME....

OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

I NEVER SAW HIM LIKE THAT.

PROBABLY WHY I "TRUSTED" HIM.

"A*** WAS ACTUALLY A REAL PERSON...."

YEAH.... WAS THEN.... STILL AM....
BUT? COULD HAVE TREATED ME LIKE ONE?

LIKE SOMEONE WHO MATTERED TO YOU?

BUT DID YOU?

OR DID YOU GIVE ME EXCUSES
FOR "WHY" YOU CHOSE NOT TO?

IS THAT THE KIND OF "APOLOGY"
I WANTED?

DID I WANT ANYTHING AFTER THAT? NO?
JUST LEFT "ALONE'?

YEAH?

FOR EVERYONE WHO EVER ENDED ANYTHING WITH ME
TO JUST FK OFF?

I KNOW WHAT THE TRUTH IS NOW.
I DON'T NEED TO FKN HEAR IT FROM THEM.

I DON'T "NEED" ANYTHING FROM THEM.

DIDN'T ANYWAY....

BECAUSE???? DID I HAVE TO GIVE ANYONE A CHANCE AT ALL?
NO???? I NEVER HAD TO?

NEVER HAD TO!!!!!!!!!!! I NEVER HAD TO!!!! NEVER!

BUT I DID?
AND THEN WHAT?

HOW DID THAT GO?
THE WAY I HAD HOPED IT WOULD? NO?

FK NO! IT DIDN'T!

"I'M GOING TO ACT SHITTY...
AND BLAME EVERYONE ELSE FOR IT....
INCLUDING A***
EVEN THOUGH SHE NEVER DID A DAMN THING TO ME!"

"EVEN THOUGH SHE HAD THE RIGHT INTENTIONS."
"THE RIGHT INTENTIONS FOR THE RIGHT REASONS."

BUT? I CAN CHANGE MY MIND!

IF I WANTED TO BE "CRUEL" I COULD HAVE BEEN!
VERY!

BUT WHEN AND WHY DO I TURN COLD?
WHEN SOMEONE IS COLD TO ME FIRST?

IF HE WENT INTO THE WRONG THING
FOR THE WRONG REASONS....

HOW TF DOES THAT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME?

I HAVE MY EXPERIENCE WITH THAT.

THE GUY I DATED.... WHO I WAS DATING
WHEN I MET HIM.....

WAS NOT THE RIGHT GUY FOR ME.

AT THE TIME.... I THOUGHT:
HE'S OLDER THAN MOST GUYS I DATED!
THERE WAS AN AGE DIFFERENCE.
A BIG AGE DIFFERENCE.... BTW....

I THOUGHT THAT BECAUSE HE WAS OLDER...
THAT HE'D BE "MATURE."

IN SOME WAYS HE WAS!
IN OTHER WAYS????? HE WASN'T!!!!!!!!

RIGHT?

AND HOW LONG DID IT TAKE FOR ME 
TO FIGURE THAT OUT?

A WHILE?

BECAUSE I THOUGHT THINGS WOULD GET BETTER?
IN GENERAL?
NOT JUST BETTER BETWEEN HIM AND I?

AT THAT TIME, I COULD HAVE DATED A GUY
MY OWN AGE! RIGHT?

BUT HOW DID THEY ACT?

IMMATURELY?
IN WAYS THAT TURNED ME OFF? YEAH?

ONCE I AM TURNED OFF..... I'M TURNED OFF!
BY HOW PEOPLE THINK AND ACT....
AND HOW THEY ARE!!!!!!!

FFS!

THEN? IT'S A DONE FKN DEAL!
JUST OVER. DONE. I'M GONE.
THAT'S IT.

NOT INTERESTED IN GOING BACK.
NOT TO THAT SH*T!!!!!!!! WTF????????

EVEN IF I ONCE CARED ABOUT THEM AS A PERSON!
A PERSON WHO WAS ONCE IN MY LIFE!

I CAN'T FORCE MYSELF TO BE TURNED ON
BY SH*T THAT TURNS ME OFF!

NOT JUST IN A S*XUAL WAY.
BEING TURNED ON..... ISN'T JUST ABOUT THAT.

NOT FOR ME....

IT'S NOT "UNFINISHED" BUSINESS.
WHEN I END IT.... I END IT.
I HAD REASONS TO END IT.

IF THINGS ARE UNFAIR TO ME....
THEY AREN'T MAGICALLY GOING TO "CHANGE."

OR MAGICALLY GOING TO "CARE."

ABOUT ME AS A PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!
ABOUT EVEN BEING HONEST!!!!!!!!!!

TO ME, TO OTHERS, TO THEMSELVES.

SABOTAGE THE "CONNECTION..."
THEN I'M FINE WITH IT BEING OVER.

BECAUSE????? DID THEY HAVE TO FKN RUIN IT?
NO? THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO?

SO THEN???? 

THINGS DON'T JUST "TURN AROUND."
YOU CAN HOPE THAT SOMEONE YOU TREATED LIKE CRAP
WILL WANT TO HAVE YOU IN THEIR LIFE....

BUT???? IF THEY DON'T?

HE JUST WANTS "THINGS TO WORK OUT" FOR HIM.
HE DOESN'T SEE ME AS A PERSON.

A PERSON HE TREATED FKN HORRIBLY.

AND DOESN'T "REMEMBER" THAT?

HE JUST WANTED ME AS AN "OPTION" AGAIN.
SO HE COULD KEEP PLAYING THE GAME
HE WAS PLAYING BEFORE.

THAT'S ALL IT WAS!!!!!!!!!
GROSS!!!!!!!! 

AND TO THINK I WOULDN'T SEE THAT....
IS ALSO GROSS.

"IF A*** IS STILL NAIVE, SHE WILL TRUST ME AGAIN."
WELP, I DON'T!

WHY IS IT THAT I NO LONGER TRUST YOU?
BECAUSE OF HOW YOU WERE OPERATING?

COULD IT BE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THAT?
POSSIBLY???? YEAH?

FORGOT IT WAS MY CHOICE TO EVEN BE THERE?
YEAH?

MAYBE.... THEY SHOULD HAVE.... REMEMBERED THAT!

INSTEAD OF???? DEFLECTING?
BLAMING ME FOR YOUR OWN SH*T?
AMONG OTHER THINGS?

"LET'S PUT WORDS IN A***'S MOUTH!"

TOO GROWN TO BE ACTING LIKE THAT.
ARE WE 16 ANYMORE?

IF THEY ACT LIKE THAT....
THEY NEVER GAF!!!!!!!

AND IF THEY TREATED ME LIKE THAT.....
WHO ELSE? WHO NEXT?

PEOPLE SEE THAT.

"LOOK AT HOW YOU TREATED A***!
WHY SHOULD I HELP YOU?"

HE'S NOT DEFENDING ME....
HE'S DEFENDING HIMSELF.

HE'S MAD BECAUSE HIS EGO'S GETTING AN @SS WHOOPING.

THEY DON'T LIKE HOW THAT TASTES? NEITHER DID I!

FKN FOUL IS WHAT IT WAS AND IS. FK THAT.

THEY TRY TO REWRITE IT.... 
TO TRY TO MAKE HIMSELF LOOK BETTER!

NO.... YOU MADE YOURSELF LOOK
EXACTLY HOW YOU LOOK
BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID!

IF I DID THAT SH*T... 

HOW WOULD IT LOOK ON ME?
EXACTLY HOW IT WOULD LOOK?

NO MATTER HOW I WISH IT WOULD LOOK?

IT LOOKS HOW IT LOOKS!
FOR A REASON!

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE HUMILIATED BY THE TRUTH....
BETTER WATCH WHAT THE TRUTH IS!

AND HOW IT LOOKS!
RIGHT?

DO I HAVE TO HUMBLE ANYONE?
OR WILL LIFE DO THAT JUST FINE?

WHAT HAPPENS?
PEOPLE FEED THEM BS ABOUT ME....
TO SEE WHAT THEY DO WITH IT....

AND THEN?
"YOU TREATED HER LIKE XYZ!"

GAMES.

BUT????? I'M NOT PLAYING ANY FKN GAMES.
NEVER WAS.

I AM NOT ABOUT THAT.

I DIDN'T WANT TO BE MEAN ABOUT IT...
I TRIED TO BE "NICE" ABOUT IT....

I WISHED HIM WELL,
BUT WHY TF WOULD I WANT THAT CRAP?

AND HIS EXCUSES FOR DOING IT....
REALLY P*SSED ME OFF.

1) I NEVER WANTED ANY BS EXCUSES
2) NEVER ASKED FOR ANY BS EXCUSES
3) EXCUSES ARE EXCUSES, NOT REASONS.

What he was looking for.....
Was to see IF HE COULD USE ME IN WAYS
THAT BENEFITED HIM.

NO! FK NO!

NOW HE HAS TO "FIND" SOMEONE
WHO WANTED HIM FOR THE REASONS I DID.
WHO WOULD BE HONEST LIKE I WAS.
WHO ACTUALLY CARED LIKE I DID.

HE CAN HAVE FUN WITH THAT.
"SOLIDARITY IS A RARITY."

YOU THINK THAT'S EASY TO FIND?

HONEST PEOPLE WHO HAVE HONEST INTENTIONS?
WELP, NO. IT ISN'T.

THAT'S WHY YOU APPRECIATE IT
WHEN YOU HAVE IT.

I COULD HAVE BEEN WAY WORSE THAN I WAS.
I COULD HAVE ACTUALLY DONE THINGS 
IN RETALIATION. 

RIGHT?

DID I DO THAT, THOUGH? NO?

WHY BE MAD THAT I'M NOT INTERESTED IN ANY BS?

COULD JUST ACCEPT THAT I'M NOT INTERESTED IN THAT?
AS A FACT?

"IF THAT HAPPENED.... THEN I'M SORRY."
NOT "I'M SORRY."

SEE THE DIFFERENCE? I DO!

NEVER SAW THE TABLES TURNING, RIGHT?
WELP, SOMETIMES THAT HAPPENS!

AND WHEN THE TABLES TURN....
DOES THAT HAVE TO BE BECAUSE OF ME?

OR BECAUSE "THE UNIVERSE" KEEPS "RECEIPTS"?

HE LIED SO DAMN MUCH TO ME AND ABOUT ME
THAT I COULD NEVER SEE HIM THE SAME!
HOW COULD I?

WHETHER HE MEANT TO THROW ME AWAY
OR NOT.... HE DID THAT.

THEY AREN'T LOYAL.
SO THEY CAN'T EXPECT MY LOYALTY.

HAD IT AND LOST IT. 

AND BLOCKING ME TO TRY TO MANIPULATE ME....
INTO WANTING HIM BACK.....

NO. KEEP THAT BS. 

Opportunities

Some things bug me. A lot.

There were times when people MISJUDGED ME.
AND BECAUSE THEY DID THAT...
THEY TREATED ME LIKE CRAP.

If they knew me... WOULD THEY DO THAT CRAP?

SOME PEOPLE THINK: "SHE'S TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE."
WITHOUT REALIZING WHAT'S TRUE ABOUT ME.

Do I have "the time" to "pretend" I'm someone I'm not?
Fk no.

WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET.
DON'T WANT IT? DON'T HAVE IT.

AND NOT EVERYONE WHO HAS INTEREST IN ME
EVEN GETS A CHANCE WITH ME.

SO IF THEY DO, THEY CAN TAKE IT.....
(AND HOPEFULLY NOT WASTE IT).

AND IF THEY WASTE IT.....
THAT IS ON THEM.

What bugged me: IF THEY REALIZE THAT NOT EVERYONE
EVEN GETS A CHANCE
TO BE IN MY LIFE....

AND I CHOSE TO GIVE THEM A CHANCE...

AND THEY CHOOSE TO SH*T ON ME...

THAT WAS THEIR CHOICE.

What bugged me about 12 Year Discard approaching me....
AFTER TREATING ME LIKE CRAP....

HE DIDN'T GAF THAT HE WAS DOING IT.

IF HE THOUGHT I WAS SOMEONE....
WHO COULD DO THINGS....

HE WOULD HAVE TREATED ME BETTER!

LIKE HE TREATS OTHER PEOPLE!

SUDDENLY SEES MY "VALUE"?
AND WANTS "TO TALK"????

WTF IS THAT SH*T?

"NOW THAT I REALIZE HER VALUE....
WHO SHE ALWAYS WAS...
NOW.... I'LL TREAT HER BETTER!"

NO.... YOU HAD THE CHANCE TO TREAT ME BETTER....
BUT????? WHAT DID YOU DO?

THE TRUTH????
IF I "IMPRESSED" HIM.... BACK THEN????

IF HE HADN'T UNDERESTIMATED ME?

Why do you think I don't go OUT OF MY WAY....
TO "IMPRESS" ANYONE?

BECAUSE???? I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO JUST....
BE MYSELF!!!!!!!!

HOW I AM COMFORTABLE BEING!

YOU KNOW WHY I DON'T DRESS LIKE I HAVE MONEY?
EVEN IF I HAD MONEY.... I WOULDN'T....

WHY IS THAT?

1) I DON'T HAVE TO!
2) I DON'T "NEED/WANT" ATTENTION FOR THE WRONG REASONS!
3) I DON'T EVEN FKN LIKE HAVING ATTENTION ON ME
4) I DON'T FEEL THE "NEED" TO "IMPRESS" PEOPLE.

AND IF SOMEONE IS "OPPORTUNISTIC"
THEY'D ONLY SEE ME AS AN OPPORTUNITY!

HE TRIED TO COME BACK BECAUSE HE HAS SHAME
THAT I DON'T SEE HIM THE WAY I USED TO.

NOT BECAUSE HE WAS GUILTY!
NOT BECAUSE HE FELT BAD!

BECAUSE HE WANTED CONTROL.
AND LOOK HOW HE ACTED WHEN HE DIDN'T GET IT!

SURE, I'VE BEEN "POOR" MOST OF MY LIFE.
FINE. WHATEVER.

HE THOUGHT NOBODY "RESPECTED" ME
SO HE DIDN'T GAF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE DOESN'T THINK THAT IT'S UNACCEPTABLE.
HE DIDN'T LEARN HOW TO TREAT PEOPLE.
HE'S STILL THINKING OPPORTUNISTICALLY.

THAT'S WHY HE WANTED TO CONNECT.

NO. THE OPPORTUNITY.....
WAS TREATING ME PROPERLY...
TREATING ME WITH RESPECT....

AND IF I TRUSTED AND RESPECTED YOU....

YOU COULD HAVE COME ALONG WITH ME.

BUT?????

HOW DID THAT GO?

SHAME ISN'T THE SAME AS GUILT.

SHAME IS ABOUT THEIR EGO.

GUILT MEANS THEY ACTUALLY FEEL BAD
ABOUT WHAT THEY DID AND HOW THEY TREATED ME.

NOTHING HE CAN DO CAN CHANGE HOW I SEE HIM NOW.
HE SHOWED ME WHO HE IS.
BY SHOWING ME HOW HE WOULD ACT....
IF HE DIDN'T GET SOMETHING HE WANTED FROM ME.

"IF A*** DOESN'T HAVE THE STATUS.... SHE'S NOTHING."

DO YOU THINK "STATUS" MEANS FK ALL TO ME?

DO YOU THINK I AUTOMATICALLY RESPECT SOMEONE...
JUST BECAUSE THEY HAVE MONEY?

HAVING MONEY DOESN'T MAKE ANYONE
ANY LESS OF A POS IF THEY ARE A POS!

"I HAVE MORE MONEY THAN A***.
THAT MAKES ME BETTER THAN HER."

YOU THINK A***'S ALWAYS GOING TO BE POOR?

NEVER SAW ME AS A PERSON.
JUST WHETHER OR NOT I WAS A GOOD "OPPORTUNITY."

THAT IS WHAT BOTHERED ME.

AND THE FIRST FKN THING THAT HE SPOKE ABOUT?
MY "LINE OF WORK" AND HOW INTERESTING IT IS!

WHY WOULD THAT BE ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS?
BROUGHT UP?

NOTHING ABOUT HOW THEY TREATED ME?
BECAUSE THAT WASN'T IMPORTANT?

JUST WHAT I WAS DOING "FOR WORK"?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I GOT INTO CODING RIGHT AFTER THAT FKTARD DISCARDED ME.

BECAUSE IT INTERESTED ME. I WANTED TO LEARN ABOUT IT!

SURE, IT CAN MAKE ME SOME MONEY.... YEAH.
NOT EVERYONE CAN "CODE."

DID I KNOW HOW TO?
BEFORE I LEARNED IT? NO?

EDUCATION DOESN'T END AT HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU GET TO LEARN IF YOU WANT TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANYONE SAYING: SCHOOL'S DONE... YOU CAN STOP LEARNING?

WHAT DOES THE REALIZATION:
"I MISJUDGED HER"

HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME
OTHER THAN I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS MISJUDGED?

NO, I DON'T GO AROUND TRYING TO "IMPRESS" PEOPLE.
I NEVER GAF ABOUT THAT.
ANY OF THAT.

THEY WERE EITHER GOING TO SEE ME....
OR THEY WEREN'T!

I LEARNED THAT FROM A VERY YOUNG AGE!

WHY? BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE "MISJUDGED" ME!
ALL MY FKN LIFE!

AND BECAUSE THEY LOOKED AT ME LIKE "NOTHING"
THOUGHT IT WAS COOL TO TREAT ME LIKE "NOTHING."

THEY DIDN'T THINK THEY "HAD TO" GAF ABOUT ME!
AS A PERSON!

BECAUSE I WAS POOR? FK THAT.

THIS IS HOW SOME PEOPLE THINK.

AND HONESTLY, I'M GLAD I DIDN'T "IMPRESS" HIM.
HE WOULD HAVE ONLY "LOVED/RESPECTED"
THE "IMPRESSION" HE HAD OF ME!
NOT ME!

SO AS PAINFUL AND FKD UP AS IT WAS... 

I'M GLAD I SAW THAT SIDE OF THEM.
NOT JUST 12 YEAR DISCARD....
OTHER FKTARDS
WHO TREATED ME THE SAME WAY
FOR THE SAME REASON.

"YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WORK WITH ME?
BECAUSE I TREATED YOU LIKE SH*T?
AND YOU DON'T TRUST ME NOW?"

GO FKN CRY ABOUT IT, B*TCHES!
GO TRY TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF SOMEONE ELSE.

NOT GOING TO PULL THAT SH*T ON ME! FK YOU!

"OPPORTUNITY" WAS A WORD HE USED ALSO....

THAT'S WHAT HE WAS AFTER.
HE NEVER FELT GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED ME.

HIS SHAME IS FROM HIS EGOTISTICAL SELF.
"I'M ASHAMED THAT SHE DOESN'T SEE ME LIKE SHE USED TO."

THAT'S WHAT IT IS ABOUT.
NOT ABOUT HOW THEY TREATED ME.

IF I "CAME FROM MONEY," THAT WOULD BE DIFFERENT, RIGHT?

BUT???? THEY'D ONLY RESPECT ME BECAUSE OF THAT!
NOT BECAUSE THEY TOOK ANY TIME
GETTING TO KNOW ME AS A PERSON...

I ONCE DATED... VERY BRIEFLY DATED... A RICH GUY.
HE CAME FROM MONEY BECAUSE HIS PARENTS HAD IT.

IT WASN'T THAT HE WAS "SELF-MADE" OR WHATEVER... 

WHEN I DATE SOMEONE....
HOW THEY ACT... IS MORE IMPORTANT TO ME
THAN WHAT THEY HAVE....
THAN WHAT I "COULD GET"....

OR OTHER THINGS LIKE THAT.

BECAUSE IF THEY ACT LIKE AN ENTITLED POS.....
THAT IS WHO AND WHAT THEY ARE!

IT'S EASY TO LOOK AT MY CONFIDENCE
AND MISTAKE IT FOR OTHER THINGS. FINE.
VERY EASY TO DO THAT.

BUT IF I WAS ARROGANT AND "ENTITLED"
I'D BE TREATING PEOPLE LIKE FKN OPPORTUNITIES.
THEY ARE PEOPLE.

PEOPLE WHO LIKE? BEING TREATED LIKE PEOPLE!

BECAUSE???? THEY ARE PEOPLE!

BEING LOOKED AT AS AN OPPORTUNITY....
DIDN'T REALLY CROSS MY MIND BACK THEN.

I MET A PERSON, AND THEY WERE A PERSON TO ME.
THAT'S IT.

A PERSON WITH A NAME AND A LIFE!

THAT'S HOW I LOOKED AT PEOPLE....
THAT'S HOW I WAS TAUGHT TO LOOK AT PEOPLE...

I WAS RAISED THAT WAY.
BUT NOT EVERYONE IS.

ALSO: "HOW WOULD I FEEL IF THEY TREATED ME LIKE XYZ..."

"THINK ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS, TOO, NOT JUST YOURS."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME:

"HERE ARE SOME INVITATIONS TO YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY.
YOU CAN ONLY INVITE 5 FRIENDS.
DON'T GIVE THE INVITATIONS TO THE ONES WHO ARE INVITED
IN FRONT OF ANYONE WHO ISN'T.

THAT ISN'T NICE TO DO THAT."

"WHY?"

"BECAUSE THEY WERE NOT INVITED AND YOU DON'T WANT
THEIR FEELINGS TO BE HURT THAT THEY WEREN'T.

WE CAN'T INVITE YOUR WHOLE CLASS.
WE ONLY HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO INVITE 5 FRIENDS."

SHE TOLD ME THIS WHEN I WAS 5, TURNING 6.

OKAY? SO IF THAT IS SOMETHING A 5-YEAR-OLD
CAN UNDERSTAND.....

HOW COME SOME ADULTS... STILL CAN'T?

DID MY MOM HAVE TO TELL ME THAT?
NOT TO DO THAT? 

YES AND NO.

YES, BECAUSE I HAD TO LEARN THAT.

NO BECAUSE TO A KID, IT ISN'T A HUGE DEAL, 

BUT TO A KID.... NOT BEING INVITED
TO A PARTY.... 
THAT SOMEONE ELSE WAS INVITED TO....

DOES STING. 

NOT EVERY PARENT TEACHES THAT.
IT WAS FOR "AWARENESS."

SIMPLY: DON'T DO XYZ BECAUSE XYZ.

SOCIETY MAKES IT SEEM LIKE:

"IF YOU HAVE MORE XYZ THAN SOMEONE ELSE, YOU ARE BETTER."

WHAT IF IN THIS CASE IT'S MORE MANNERS?
MORE AWARENESS?
MORE ETHICS?
MORE MORALS?

ACTUAL PRINCIPLES?

WAS THE REASON I WAS CONSIDERING DATING THAT GUY....
BECAUSE HE HAD MONEY?

NO????? NEVER HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH THAT?

THE ONLY REASON HE DID WAS THAT HIS DAD OWNS A STORE!

SURE, I WAS AWARE OF THIS.....
SURE, COOL FACT.

BUT? THAT WASN'T ANYTHING BUT A FACT TO ME.

WAS I HANGING OUT WITH HIM BECAUSE OF THAT?

OR WAS HE SOMEONE I "LIKED AND TRUSTED" AT THAT TIME?

SEE THE DIFFERENCE?

NOW.... THE STORY ABOUT THAT "RICH GUY" I DATED....

EVERY TIME WE WERE TOGETHER....
HE'D TALK ABOUT HAVING MONEY.

EVERY FKN TIME!

LIKE HE WOULDN'T STOP BRINGING IT UP!

AND IT DIDN'T ACTUALLY FKN MATTER TO ME!

I BROKE UP WITH HIM.

YEARS LATER, LIKE DECADES... 

I MET A VERY OPPORTUNISTIC FEMALE.
NOT SAYING THAT'S WHY SHE WAS DATING HIM....
BUT... WHEN SHE KNEW I HAD MONEY....

EVEN AS HER FRIEND....
SHE KEPT ASKING ME TO BUY HER STUFF.

I HAD TO TELL HER:
I WILL BUY YOU SOMETHING IF I FEEL LIKE IT.
STOP ASKING ME TO.

I NEVER ASKED HER TO BUY ME A DAMN THING.

IF I FELT LIKE BEING GENEROUS, THAT WAS ON ME.

THAT'S HOW IT SHOULD BE.
IF SOMEONE FEELS LIKE BUYING YOU SOMETHING...
THAT IS ONE THING....

BUT WHY ASK SOMEONE LIKE THEY ARE ONLY THERE
TO ASK TO BUY YOU STUFF?

WHY TREAT SOMEONE LIKE THAT?

ARE THEY THERE TO BE A FRIEND TO YOU? YEAH?
THEN TREAT THEM LIKE SOMEONE WHO MATTERS TO YOU!

CAN'T YOU DO THAT?

IF YOU CAN'T... THEY DON'T "HAVE TO" BE YOUR FRIEND...
OR EVEN WANT TO CONSIDER YOU THEIR FRIEND.

SO THE PEOPLE WHO I THOUGHT WERE MY FRIENDS....
BECAUSE I WASN'T LOOKING AT THEM IN ANY OTHER WAY....

DON'T GET TO "COME ALONG"
AS I EXPAND.... ON MY NEXT CHAPTER.

WOULD THEY HAVE GOTTEN TO? 
HAD THEY TREATED ME LIKE I MATTERED TO THEM?

MAYBE!

BUT WHY WOULD THEY?
IF THEY THOUGHT I WAS BEING "INSINCERE"?

IF THEY THOUGHT I DIDN'T REALLY LIKE THEM FOR THEM?

DIDN'T THINK THE ACTUAL FEELINGS I USED TO HAVE.....
WERE REAL?

DIDN'T THINK I WAS REAL?

THINGS LIKE THAT HAPPENED, TOO.
TOO MANY TIMES, ACTUALLY.

ESPECIALLY IF THE GUY WAS DOUBTING THEMSELVES.
DUE TO WEIGHT.

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT...

I'VE BEEN ATTRACTED TO GUYS I THOUGHT WERE HUMBLE.

WHO I THOUGHT WERE GOING TO JUST BE FKN DECENT TO ME!

WHO I DIDN'T THINK I WOULD HAVE ANY REASON TO DOUBT.

BUT? FKN COLD!!!!!!! ARROGANT!!!!!! DISTANT!!!!!!!
TREATED ME LIKE I WASN'T ANYTHING!

BUT THEN? A***'S DOING XYZ NOW! I WANT TO WORK WITH HER!

WELP, I WANTED TO ACTUALLY HAVE A WHOLE LIFE WITH THEM, 
AT ONE POINT.

BECAUSE I THOUGHT WE COULD ATTAIN XYZ TOGETHER!

THEY ACTED LIKE I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH.

RIGHT?

IT WAS TO TRY TO "DOMINATE" ME.
I'M NOT COOL WITH THAT SH*T.

DUDES WHO TRY TO DOMINATE ME
DON'T LIKE BEING DOMINATED.

I DON'T GO INTO IT TO DO THAT....
BUT I KNOW HOW TO SERVE HUMBLE PIE.

EVEN IF I HAVE TO SERVE IT BY STANDING ON WHAT I SAID.

DIDN'T KNOW ME THEN, APPARENTLY....
WHAT MAKES ME THINK THEY KNOW ME NOW?

THEY DON'T!

WANTED TO "FIGHT" ME. RIGHT?
WANTED TO "WIN" AT ALL COSTS?
WHY WOULD I WANT THAT CRAP?

HAVE I NOT HAD ENOUGH OF THAT CRAP?

THAT'S WHY I'VE BEEN GOOD ON MY OWN?

WHAT KIND OF ATTITUDE DID THEY HAVE TOWARDS ME?
HOW DID THEY ACT TOWARDS ME?

WHY EXACTLY WAS IT THAT I WASN'T "GOOD ENOUGH"?

BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE XYZ?
AT THE TIME YOU MET ME?

WHEN I MET 12 YEAR DISCARD.... HOW OLD WAS I?
I WAS 16 YEARS OLD!

WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO HAVE AT THAT AGE?

I HAD MY OWN PLACE.
A ROOM IN A ROOMING HOUSE.

THAT'S WHAT I HAD.

WAS HE STILL LIVING WITH HIS PARENTS? YEAH?

HE WOULDN'T HAVE SHOWN ME THAT SIDE OF HIMSELF....
HAD HE NOT.... UNDERESTIMATED ME.

BUT? HE DID?

IF I WAS RICH.....
I WOULD HAVE BEEN LIVING SOMEWHERE ELSE.

RIGHT?

I STILL PROBABLY WOULDN'T RUN FOR BRAND LABELS....
BECAUSE I NEVER GAF ABOUT THAT... 

I'M MORE OF A "PRACTICAL" PERSON.

MY "WORTH" ISN'T ABOUT "HOW MUCH MONEY" I HAVE.

IT TOOK ME A WHILE TO FIGURE IT OUT, ACTUALLY.

BECAUSE.... I DGAF ABOUT SOME THINGS....
THAT "IMPRESSES" SOME PEOPLE.

I'D RATHER JUST BE "COMFORTABLE."
I'M NOT COMFORTABLE....
BEING LOOKED AT FOR THE WRONG REASONS.

SO I DON'T TRY TO "IMPRESS" PEOPLE.

IF I GAF ABOUT IMPRESSING PEOPLE....
I'D BE OUT THERE DOING THAT!

BUT.... I LEARNED THAT ABOUT MAKEUP, ACTUALLY.

I VERY RARELY WEAR ANY.

WHEN I USED TO.... I FELT GROSS.

BECAUSE???? SOME DUDES LOOKED AT ME
FOR THE WRONG REASONS.

JUST FOR WEARING MAKEUP.

SO???? I CHOSE NOT TO.

BECAUSE???? IT WAS NOT COMFORTABLE FOR ME
FOR ANYONE TO LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.

"NOBODY RESPECTS HER... SO I'M NOT GOING TO."
FK YOU FOR THAT SH*T.

THEY JUDGE, AND THEY ADAPT TO HOW MUCH
"RESPECT" THEY THINK THEY SHOULD GIVE TO SOMEONE.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THEY MISJUDGE SOMEONE, THOUGH?

THEY GET FK ALL FROM THE ONE THEY MISJUDGED.

THEY GET TO LOOK AT THEMSELVES.

NO GUILT, THOUGH. ONLY SHAME!
BECAUSE THEY HAD NO "EMPATHY"!

IF THEY HAD EMPATHY.... THEY WOULDN'T HAVE
TREATED ME.... THE WAY THEY DID.

AND ALL THEY WANT....
OTHER THAN TO GET "SOMETHING" FROM ME....

IS FOR ME TO LOOK AT THEM
THE WAY I USED TO....

BECAUSE???? I USED TO BE ATTRACTED TO THEM!

UNTIL THEY SHOWED ME SOME
VERY DISAPPOINTING AND UNATTRACTIVE THINGS!

ABOUT THEMSELVES!

I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO THOSE THINGS.
ABOUT THEM.

IF I WAS.... I'D HAVE "MARRIED FOR MONEY."
BUT DID I? NO?

BECAUSE THAT'S NOT WHAT I GAF ABOUT?!

ONLY WHAT THEY GAF ABOUT?

WHOOPS.

MAYBE IF WE GAF ABOUT THE SAME THINGS....
THINGS WOULD HAVE GONE BETTER?

I'D HAVE HOPED SO.... BUT?
HOW DID THEY GO?
AND WHY?

BUT THEN.... TO LOOK BACK AT ME....
LIKE A "MISSED OPPORTUNITY"???????

LIKE THAT'S ALL I EVER WAS TO THEM?????

WTF IS THAT SH*T?????

GROSS IS WHAT IT IS!