Why I Write About It

It's not to point right at the specific person....
OR I WOULD NAME NAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BUT AM I? NO?

But I deserve to say how I feel about the BS.

Was trying to come back to "save their own @ss?"
OR TRY TO?

REGARDING HOW FAR IT ACTUALLY WENT?

DO I NEED TO KNOW HOW FAR IT ACTUALLY WENT?

Or do I only need to know that it went FAR ENOUGH?

But imagine.... Had I actually connected
WITH SOMEONE WHO ONLY WANTED TO PLAY GAMES?

AND RECONNECTED WHEN HE WANTED TO?
12 YEARS FKN LATER?

WOULDN'T YOU SEE THAT AS BAITING?

THEY KNEW WHAT THEY WERE DOING!

CAN'T TELL ME THEY DON'T!

SO WHATEVER "PLAN" HE HAD.....
ISN'T GOING TO WORK.

THERE HAD TO BE ONE....
TO "SUDDENLY" TRY TO COME BACK.

DID HE THINK I HAD ONE?
AS ANGRY AS I WAS....
WHY WOULD I GAF ENOUGH TO HAVE A "PLAN"?

WOULD HE EVEN BE WORTH MY FKN TIME?
AFTER THAT BS? NO?

LIKE MIRROR SMASHER REFUSING TO GET HIS SH*T OUT.

HE THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO TRAP HIM OR SOME SH*T.

BUT WHY? JUST GET YOUR FKN SH*T OUT!

THAT'S IT!

CAN'T I JUST FKN HAVE THAT?

WTF?

BUT IT'S PEOPLE WHO HAVE PLANS WHO FKN THINK I DO.

OTHERWISE THEY'D REALIZE I NEVER DID.
IT WASN'T ABOUT GETTING ANYTHING. 

WHEN YOU MISREAD ME....
YOU MISREAD THE SITUATION.... 

BUT.... I HAVE TO OBSERVE WHO YOU ARE....
AND.... HOW YOU MOVE.

IF YOU'RE TRYING TO GET SOMETHING
OUT OF DOING SOMETHING TO ME.... 

AND DON'T GET IT.......

TOO FKN BAD!

THEY THOUGHT SOMETHING ABOUT ME
THAT WASN'T FKN TRUE, OBVIOUSLY. 

SHOULDN'T EXPLAIN THAT, BASIC THINGS.

BUT PEOPLE FKN PRETEND UNTIL I SEE THEM.

AND WHEN I DO, THEY DON'T LIKE IT.....

BUT THEY CHOSE TO SHOW ME THAT SH*T.

"I'M SO SKILLFUL, I'LL MAKE A*** THINK ANYTHING!"

YOU CAN'T MAKE ME THINK
THAT YOU MAGICALLY FKN CARE.
BECAUSE I KNOW YOU FKN DON'T!

PEOPLE THINK I'M STUPID!
THEY THINK THEIR SH*T WILL WORK!

IF I FIND OUT WHATEVER BS.... 
THAT THEY KNOW I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE TO THEM....

WAS I SUPPOSED TO FKN LIE ABOUT HIM?
OR TELL THE FKN TRUTH?

WHAT ABOUT ME?
COULD HAVE TOLD THE TRUTH ABOUT ME!

BUT WHEN IT COMES TO TRYING TO RESTRICT ME.....
TRY TO GO FOR MY REPUTATION, RIGHT?

THEN BE HONEST ABOUT ME!

AND HONEST ABOUT WHATEVER THE FKN PLAN WAS.

AND WHY IT DIDN'T WORK.

Would Have Been Possible

It wasn't that I was angry for no reason.
I WAS EXPECTED TO PUT UP WITH BS.
BS I DIDN'T WANT OR NEED.
UNFAIR BS.

That's why I was angry, understandably.

AND WHEN SOMEONE DISCARDS ME, 
I ACCEPT THAT SH*T AND LIVE MY LIFE.

Do I have any other choice?
OTHER THAN ACCEPTING THAT?

I HAD TO!
I GRIEVED THE POSSIBILITY
I THOUGHT EXISTED.

IT DIDN'T.
OR IT WOULD HAVE BEEN WHAT?
POSSIBLE!

RIGHT?

NOT BECAUSE I'M MAKING EVERYTHING POSSIBLE.....
BUT BECAUSE IT'S JUST FKN EASY.

IT WASN'T.
IT WAS HORRENDOUSLY DYSFUNCTIONAL.
NOT FOR ME.

NOT SURE WHY I HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO SOMEONE....
12 FKN YEARS LATER:
YOU DICARDED ME, A LONG TIME AGO.
YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED.

I DIDN'T, NOT FROM YOU.
I'LL GET IT FROM MYSELF.
I'M OKAY.

BEEN OKAY. FOR YEARS NOW.

"SHE'S SINGLE?"
DOESN'T FKN MEAN I WANT SOMEONE
WHO ALREADY FKN DISCARDED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOULD YOU?
WOULD HE?

DON'T CHEAPEN YOURSELVES
TO WANT WHAT DIDN'T WANT YOU!

DON'T LET IT SHOW YOU A BILLION TIMES!
I ALREADY DID THAT SH*T SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

AND SO I DON'T HAVE TO ANYMORE.

NEVER FKN WANTED TO ANYWAY!

WHY WOULD THAT BE FUN? IT ISN'T!

IT WASN'T! IT WAS SH*TTY! IT WAS BS!

I CAN WISH THEM WELL.... YEAH...
BUT I DON'T HAVE TO BE THERE....
TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT.

NEVER AGAIN.

I SHOULD FEEL FREE.
I FEEL FKN WEIRD.

THAT IT EVEN HAPPENED.

IT SUCKED!

Would be weird if he was reading my blog, like my ex.
Weird enough my ex still reads it.

I THINK THEY BOTH WANTED ME TO BE MISERABLE
WITHOUT THEM!

SHOULD I BE?

OR SHOULD I HAVE JUST.....
TAKEN MY POWER BACK?

POWER TO JUST..... CHOOSE BEING ALONE
OVER ANY BS.

POWER FOR MYSELF. FK THEM.

DID I THINK HE WAS GOING TO TREAT ME LIKE THAT?
FK NO!!!!!!!!!! SURPRISE!

DOES IT MEAN I WANT ANYTHING BAD FOR HIM? FK NO!
I DON'T HAVE TO!
I DON'T WANT TO!
I NEVER DID!

WHY WOULD I?

JUST DON'T WANT WHATEVER TF HE DOES.

I'M NOT SELFISH FOR NOT CHOOSING HIM.
DID HE CHOOSE ME?

IF HE DID, I HAD CHOSEN HIM.
I TRIED.

REGRET DOESN'T MEAN HE WOULD EVER TREAT ME WELL.

Not Healthy

I've seen enough that I can't UNSEE. I CAN'T.

IT'S NOT HEALTHY TO BE IN ANYTHING....
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A "MENTAL PRISON."

THERE WAS NEVER ANYTHING I COULD HAVE SAID OR DONE!
FOR ANYONE WHO DIDN'T WANT TO FKN UNDERSTAND ME....
TO FKN UNDERSTAND ME AND RESPECT ME!

THERE WAS NOTHING! NEVER ANYTHING!

HE DOESN'T WANT REJECTION?
HE LITERALLY DISCARDED ME!

HE ALREADY REJECTED ME! THE FKN IRONY!

RIGHT?

AND HE MADE IT HARD TO TALK TO HIM....
INTENTIONALLY.
OTHERWISE, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN EASY!

LIKE IT USED TO BE!
BUT? 

EXCUSE ME FOR FEELING PROTECTED
BY THAT REJECTION.

IT'S HEALTHY TO COMMUNICATE! FREELY!
IT'S HEALTHY TO BE TREATED PROPERLY!
IT'S HEALTHY TO WANT HEALTHY!

ANYONE TRYING TO TELL ME THAT'S TOXIC, 
IS THE ONE BEING TOXIC.

THEY THOUGHT I'D THINK I WAS THE TOXIC ONE?
"BETTER GASLIGHT A*** INTO THINKING SHE WAS THE TOXIC ONE."
"BETTER DISCARD HER AND TRY AGAIN 12 YEARS LATER!"
"TO DISCARD HER AGAIN!"
"TO TRY TO FK WITH HER EMOTIONS AGAIN!"

NO. ONLY ONCE DO YOU GET ACCESS TO MY EMOTIONS.
IF YOU EVER DO.

IF YOU DO, YOU ARE LUCKY.
BECAUSE I SURE AS HELL DO NOT GIVE ACCESS TO EVERYONE.

BUT.... I GET TO REVOKE IT.

TRYING TO COME BACK 12 YEARS LATER SAYS:
"I WANT SOMETHING."

DO I NEED TO GAF WHAT ANYONE WANTS?
WHAT DID I WANT?

BASIC CONSIDERATION AND REGARD.

IT'D BE FKD IF HE'S BEEN WATCHING ME CLOSER THAN HE SHOULD.
HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN LEAVING ME TF ALONE.

HE DISCARDED ME. ALREADY.

A LONG TIME AGO.

Y'KNOW?

Lots of apologies I got were fake. 
IT WASN'T BECAUSE ANYONE WAS ACTUALLY SORRY
FOR ANYTHING THEY EVER DID!
OR WHY THEY EVER DID IT!
BUT BOTH!
NOT JUST WHY!
ACTUALLY WHAT THEY DID!

"I'LL INTENTIONALLY PROVOKE HER...."
"REPEATEDLY. AS MUCH AS SHE'LL LET ME."
"FOR AS LONG AS SHE'LL LET ME."
FK THAT.

I WANTED THE CONNECTION.
HE WANTED CONTROL.
FK HIM.

IF HE WANTED TO CONNECT WITH ME, 
HE WOULD HAVE FKN CONNECTED WITH ME.

FOR REAL.

ACTUALLY CONNECTED.
BECAUSE ACTUALLY CONNECTING IS HEALTHY.
WASTING SOMEONE'S TIME AND LIFE....
ISN'T.

What I Had...

What I had.... Some of it was BS!

Some of it was real, though, 

BUT MOSTLY..... BS.

I WAS EXPECTED TO SETTLE FOR.
AND BE HAPPY WITH.

I WASN'T!
IT WAS INSULTING!

INFURIATING!

AND TO BE INSULTED FOR BEING INFURIATED?
FOR BEING INSULTED?

THAT'S WHAT THAT BS WAS!

THAT!

IMAGINE MY SURPRISE?

WHY POUR INTO THAT SH*T?
WHY GIVE TO THAT?

I WAS..... THOUGHT I WOULD GIVE EVERYTHING AGAIN?
FOR WHAT??????????????????

DID ANYTHING CHANGE?
ANYTHING?

WHERE WAS MY CONSIDERATION?
WHERE WAS MY REGARD?

PUTTING ME ON A SHELF.....

DISCARDED ME!
DIDN'T PUT ME ON THE SHELF FOR 12 YEARS.
BUT ACTED LIKE HE DID!
DIDN'T ACT LIKE HE DISCARDED ME!
LIKE HE ACTUALLY FKN DID!

HE GETS TO SIT WITH THAT!
THAT HE DID THAT TO ME!

MORE COMMITTED TO GETTING SOMETHING FROM ME.
THAN GIVING ANYTHING TO WHAT WE COULD HAVE HAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SOME REACTION TO HIS BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WELP, I DON'T CARE ABOUT HIS BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE SHOULD CARE ABOUT HIS OWN BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DISCARD SOMEONE.

THAT.

THEY ARE DEAD TO YOU
WHEN YOU GHOST THEM.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.

THAT.

HE GOT WORDS FROM ME.....
FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE......
SINCE I'M HAUNTING HIS @SS I GUESS....

BUT WTF DID HE EXPECT?

FOR ME TO ACT ALL "CRAZY"
ABOUT HIM "LEAVING ME BEHIND" ETC?

IF I WAS TOXIC.... I WOULD HAVE, RIGHT?
WOULD HAVE RUINED HIM?
BURNED THE "HOUSE" DOWN ON MY WAY OUT?

INSTEAD OF JUST FKN LETTING HIM GO?
I DID THAT! HE WANTED THAT!

WANTED TO BE "FREE OF ME"
SINCE I WAS THE "TOXIC" ONE.....

BUT...... WAS I PLAYING GAMES? NO?
I CAN BE GOOD, NOW, BECAUSE I ALREADY TRIED.

WAS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE A 12-YEAR CYCLE?

WAS I SUPPOSED TO ACCEPT THE INSULTS? FK NO.
NOTED. ALL OF IT. WAS NOTED. ALL OF IT.

WAS I EVEN MYSELF DURING THAT TIME?
WAS I ALLOWED TO BE?

OR WERE THEY TAKING MY ENERGY?
JUST THAT?

WAS I GIVING MY ENERGY THOUGH? +?

I WON'T BE GIVING LIKE I WAS.
I WON'T LET MYSELF BE DEPLETED LIKE THAT.

THAT'S WHAT IT WOULD BE.
ALL OVER AGAIN.

BARF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOW THERE FEELS LIKE A VOID....
BECAUSE THAT BS IS GONE NOW.

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THAT SH*T.
NOT THEN, NOT NOW.

Anyway, I had my grandmother still.... THAT YEAR, SHE DIED.
I COULD HAVE HAD ALL THAT TIME WITH HER!!!!!!!!!!!!
WITH HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOT TRYING TO COMPROMISE WITH BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WITH HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
UNDERSTAND??????????????????

AFTER HE DISCARDED ME.......
AND MY GRANDMOTHER WAS DYING.....
AND I QUIT DRINKING...... 

I HAD CODING.

THAT'S WHAT I HAD......

THEN, I MET MY EX......

WE ALL KNOW HOW THAT ENDED.....

SOME DUDES ARE ADDICTED TO BS.....
BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW WHO TF THEY ARE....
DON'T KNOW WHAT TF THEY WANT.... 
CAN'T SEE WHAT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM.... 
DON'T GAF ABOUT ANYONE BUT THEMSELF.... 
AND WANTS TO TRY TO DISTORT MY SENSE
OF REALITY.
FK THAT.
I ALREADY "PEEPED GAME."
I SAW THAT SH*T THE FIRST TIME.

WHY WOULD I SIGN UP FOR GAMES?
I ALREADY SAW THEM.

AND THOSE WHO ARE "AFRAID OF ABANDONMENT,"
ARE USUALLY THE VERY FKN FIRST
TO DISCARD ME.
THE VERY FKN FIRST!