Didn't Ask For His Side

His "side" was moot....
BECAUSE BEFORE HE GAVE HIS EXCUSES.

I ALREADY SAID I WASN'T INTERESTED.

I SAID IT A FEW TIMES.

AND WHAT DID HE DO?
HOW DID HE ACT?

THE SAME AS BEFORE.
SO NO.... HE HADN'T "CHANGED."
NOT EVEN AFTER 12 YEARS.

And yeah... I'll get off this topic eventually.

BUT HE GAVE HIS EXCUSES
LITERALLY IN HIS SECOND MESSAGE.

BECAUSE "PLAYING NICE" WASN'T GOING TO WORK
TO GET THE "REACTION" HE WANTED.

HE WANTED ME TO "REACT"
SO HE COULD SAY: "LOOK AT HOW YOU'RE REACTING!"

NOT: I'M THE REASON YOU'RE REACTING LIKE THAT.

THERE WAS NO "WINNING"
AND THE ONLY THING I COULD DO WAS WALK AWAY
FROM THAT SH*T.

AND THAT WAS "TOXIC."

I WASN'T TRYING TO "WIN"
BUT THERE WAS NO "WIN - WIN" EITHER.

HE DID TAKE ME FOR GRANTED.
HE DID TREAT ME LIKE CRAP.

THAT'S WHY I REJECTED HIS "ATTEMPT"
TO RESTART HIS BS.

AND HAD TO "MAKE A POINT" 
ABOUT "BLOCKING" ME AGAIN....

INSTEAD OF????? JUST BLOCKING ME!

WHEN I CALLED HIM OUT ON HIS DISHONESTY!

BECAUSE IT WASN'T "TO TALK."

BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR THE TRUTH...
YET AGAIN.

HE WANTED SOMETHING ELSE.
AND I DON'T HAVE TO GAF ABOUT
WHATEVER TF IT WAS HE WANTED.

IF IT WAS "TO TALK"
HE WOULD HAVE HEARD ME....
AND NOT GIVEN ME EXCUSES
FOR HIS SH*T.

I KNOW HE WAS BEING FKN DISHONEST.
HE WAS BACK THEN....
YEAH... HE WAS WITH HIS EXCUSES, TOO.

SAYING HE COULDN'T TALK TO ME?
I WAS THE ONE WHO COULDN'T TALK TO HIM!
EVER!

SO IT WASN'T "TO TALK."
IT WAS TO "JUSTIFY" HIS SH*T.

TO MAKE HIMSELF FEEL BETTER ABOUT IT.

THAT'S ALL THAT HE WANTED...
UNLESS IT WAS SOMETHING ELSE.

AND IF THAT... I DON'T HAVE TO GAF...
WHAT IT IS.

IF I ASKED FOR HIS BS EXCUSES....
THAT'D BE ONE THING....

BUT I DIDN'T FKN ASK FOR HIS BS EXCUSES....
DIDN'T ASK HIM TO FKN CONTACT ME
AFTER DISCARDING ME...

WHY WOULD I?

I LITERALLY HAD A WHOLE RELATIONSHIP
AFTER HIS BS!

JUST BECAUSE I'M SINGLE NOW....
DOESN'T MEAN I COULDN'T BE DATING....
IF I WANTED TO.

I COULD BE, IF I WANTED TO!

AND HAD I GOTTEN MARRIED?
IN THE 12 YEARS?

BUT HE ASSUMED I'D BE PINING FOR HIM
OR SOMETHING!

WTF?

WELP, I WASN'T.
I WAS LIVING MY LIFE.

Not "expecting" to hear from him again...
NOT EVEN CARING TO!!!!!!!!

THEN? BOOM!?

I SHOULD HAVE TOLD HIM I DON'T WANT TO HEAR HIS SH*T.
IT WAS DONE WHEN HE "ENDED" IT.

12 YEARS AGO.
12 YEARS TOO LATE.

Had things gone BETTER? 
HAD HE TREATED ME BETTER? YEAH?

PROBABLY!

BUT? DID HE?
NO?

SO WHAT CHOICE DID I HAVE?
I LIVED MY LIFE!

I DATED!
LOST INTEREST IN IT!

ISOLATED!
LOST INTEREST IN A LOT OF THINGS!

NOT EVEN BECAUSE OF "DEPRESSION."
WAS IT DEPRESSING? IN SOME WAYS? YEAH?

DRAINING? YEAH?
DEFEATING? YEAH?
DEPOWERING? YEAH?

"LET'S TALK..."
THEN I EXPLAIN WHY I DON'T FKN WANT TO!
AND THEN I AM "TOXIC"
FOR NOT WANTING TO!

BECAUSE EVERY TIME I DID....
HE TREATED ME EXACTLY HOW HE FKN TREATED ME!

OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

AND IF THEY WANT TO GO FK THEMSELVES...
THEY CAN BE MY GUEST!

WOULD YOU TRUST THAT SH*T?
PROBABLY NOT.

DID HE ASK FOR MY SIDE?

"I'M NOT SURE WHAT YOU REMEMBER..."
I TOLD HIM!

MOST OF WHAT I REMEMBER!
AND I'M "TOXIC" FOR REMEMBERING IT!

I REMEMBER IT....
BECAUSE I WAS BEING GASLIT ABOUT IT!

FUNNY HOW THAT WORKS!

WHY BOTHER WITH ME AT ALL?
AFTER 12 YEARS?

COULD HAVE LEFT ME "ALONE"!
RIGHT?

LIKE I LEFT HIM ALONE?

LIKE HE WANTED?

LOSING ME.... MEANS HE'D MISS OUT
ON WHAT I'M BUILDING.

THAT'S ALL HE WAS INTERESTED IN.
WHAT HE MIGHT "GET" IF I WELCOMED HIM BACK.

I LITERALLY HAVE NO FKN REASON TO
OR DESIRE TO.

Why would I after the first round?
And the second round?

Would I want a THIRD?

DID I WANT THE SECOND?

OR???? COULD HE HAVE JUST....
LEFT ME "ALONE"?

TO SEE IF I'LL "CHASE"?
GIVE ME A FKN BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF I WAS "DESPERATE" OR SOMETHING?

WOULD IT "PROVE" ANYTHING?
OR "CONFIRM" ANYTHING?

RUNNING AWAY TO TRY TO "GET ME" TO "CHASE" HIM?
WTF IS THAT SH*T?

I CALLED HIM ON IT BEFORE HE EVEN DID THAT SH*T!

"LET ME SEE IF SHE'S BLUFFING..."

NO. I REALLY FKN WASN'T.

WAIT ANOTHER 12 YEARS AND SEE FOR YOURSELF! FFS!
WHAT DID I DO? I LIVED MY LIFE WITHOUT HIM!

IF HE DID THAT TO OTHER PEOPLE...
AND THEY "CHASED"....
THAT'S THEM....
NOT ME.

THAT'S FKN GROSS BS, TO ME.
WANTING TO "COMPARE" ME TO
WHOEVER TF "CHASED" HIM
WHEN HE DID THAT SH*T.

I DON'T. I MOVE ON.
BECAUSE I'M "HEALTHY" ENOUGH TO DO THAT.

PLAYING GAMES IS GROSS.

IF I WAS "TOXIC," I'D PLAY THOSE GAMES.
BUT I DON'T.

AND TOO LATE TO FIND THAT OUT.
OH WELL. 

COULD HAVE JUST TREATED ME BETTER....
THAN THAT SH*T....

NOT GOING TO FKN BEG TO BE TREATED BETTER...
OR FOR ANY FKN DECENCY
OR RESPECT. 

FK THAT SH*T.

WAS I? DID I APPROACH HIM?
OR DID HE APPROACH ME?

I WAS MINDING MY OWN FKN BUSINESS THAT DAY.
DOING MY OWN THING.

SHOCKED HE'D HAVE THE "BALLS"
TO TRY THAT SH*T AGAIN.

BUT HE DID! NOT ME.
I wasn't the one trying that sh*t.
HE WAS. NOT ME.

If I was the one trying that sh*t....
I WOULD BE "TOXIC."

IF I HAD TRIED THAT SH*T.

BECAUSE? HE COULD HAVE LEFT ME "ALONE."
SINCE I'M SO "TOXIC." FFS.

YOU'D THINK HE WOULD HAVE!
AND NOT TRIED TO COME BACK....
LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED....
AND IF IT DID.... IT WASN'T "HIS" FAULT.
RIGHT?

FKN GROSS SH*T.

SHOULD HAVE JUST REPLIED: "EWWW. GROSS."
JUST THAT... AND BLOCKED HIM MYSELF.

BUT HE IS BLOCKED ON FB.
BECAUSE I SAW THAT HE'S IN ONE OF THE SAME GROUPS.
AS I'M IN.

SAW ONE OF HIS COMMENTS ON A POST.

SO I BLOCKED HIM.

NOT THAT I'M USING MY FIRST NAME ON THERE.
ANYMORE.

SO CERTAIN PEOPLE LOOKING FOR ME...
WON'T BE ABLE TO FIND ME.
BY SEARCHING MY NAME.

HE FOUND ME ON LINKEDIN, THOUGH!

BECAUSE HE WAS LOOKING FOR ME.

WHY?

TO TELL ME HIS SIDE? 
WHEN I NEVER FKN ASKED FOR IT?

OR HIS EXCUSES?

FK THAT.

IF HE EVER TRIES TO PULL THAT SH*T AGAIN:
"EWWW. GROSS."

NOTHING ELSE.

THAT'S ALL HE WILL GET. IF ANYTHING.

"I'M THE VICTIM OF MY OWN CHOICES!"
YEAH. 

NOT MY CHOICES, YOUR OWN CHOICES.

AND WHEN I POINT THAT OUT?
"TOXIC!"

GROSS.

Sushi & Fruit

I was almost out the door...
I was hungry and was going to go to the grocery store. 
To pick up a few things.

My neighbor stopped by to bring me some sushi and fruit. 
And some bread. 

I just ate all the sushi hahaha. It was pretty good.
It was donated food from an event lol.

It bugged me... A bit... About 12 Year Discard...
WHY IF HE NEVER FKN INTENDED ANYTHING WITH ME?

JUST WHY THEN?

THE FIRST TIME AND THAT RECENT TIME?

JUST TO WASTE MY TIME?
I DON'T FKN GET IT.

TO DISCARD ME AGAIN?
"YOU'RE RIGHT A***! NEVER MATTERED TO ME!"

COOL! THANKS FOR VERIFYING?

Anyway... I have a couple of guy friends... 
They want me to be a "wing wo-man" for them...

I told my neighbor this... 

He said they want me to help them get a chick...
BECAUSE THEY MIGHT BE INTIMIDATED....

BY WOMEN.

BUT ALSO... HE WAS SAYING
THAT A LOT OF DUDES DON'T DO REJECTION WELL.

I rejected 12 Year Discard because he rejected me already.
A long time ago.
The games he was playing, I don't play.

When things were decent, they were decent.
And I can say that for the other fkers too. 

WHEN THEY CHOSE TO BE DECENT TO ME!
LIKE THEY COULD HAVE JUST BEEN!

WASN'T THAT THE LEAST THEY COULD DO?
JUST BE DECENT?

AT LEAST. THE VERY LEAST?

When they were being decent....
THEY WERE DECENT!

RIGHT?

WHEN THEY CHOSE TO BE?

SO THEY KNEW HOW TO BE?

IT WASN'T LIKE THEY DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO BE?
IF THEY CHOSE TO BE?

When they wanted to be?

It's not that I "hate" them.
Yes, I was disappointed.
Yes, certain things actually p*ssed me off.
Yes, some things were unfair.

But to go as far as "hating" anyone....
No.

I wished him well more than once.
BECAUSE I DO.

HAD I "HATED" HIM....
WOULD I HAVE WISHED HIM WELL?

AT ALL?
LET ALONE MORE THAN ONCE?

IF I WAS HOLDING A GRUDGE....
WOULD I HAVE WISHED HIM WELL?

Probably would have told him
TO GO FK HIMSELF!

OR NOTHING AT ALL!

BUT THERE WAS LITERALLY NOTHING I COULD FKN SAY
TO HIM
OR FKN ANY OF THEM

THAT WOULD HAVE "MADE" THEM "UNDERSTAND"
ME
OR WHAT I WAS SAYING....
OR WHY I WAS SAYING IT!!!!!!!!

NOTHING! 

IF THEY DIDN'T "UNDERSTAND" WHEN I WAS SAYING IT.....
WOULD THEY "UNDERSTAND" IT 12 YEARS LATER?

OR AT ALL?

NO?
PROBABLY NOT!

SO IS THERE A POINT?
IN SAYING IT AGAIN????? NO?

SHOULD I CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS ABOUT ME?
DO THEY KNOW ME ENOUGH?

TO SAY ANYTHING "ACCURATE" ABOUT ME?

WHY DID THEY WANT TO GASLIGHT ME SO BAD?
TO FK WITH WHAT?

I ALREADY KNOW.

OLD TRICKS.

THOSE TRICKS DON'T WORK.....
ON PEOPLE WHO DON'T "NEED" APPROVAL.

SHOULD I GAF IF EVERYTHING
I TOLD THEM THAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN....
DOES?

IF I HAD FK ALL "GOING ON"
THEY'D GAF? NO?

JUST BECAUSE THEY FELL FOR SOMETHING
AND DIDN'T LISTEN....

DOESN'T MEAN I WAS "WRONG."
OR "CRAZY"
OR "TOXIC"

JUST HONEST!

DID I WANT TO BE THEIR "DOORMAT"?
NO?

SO WHY WOULD I "BE" THAT?
FK THEM!

ALL OF IT WILL HAPPEN
WITHOUT ME HAVING TO DO ANYTHING!
ALREADY CALLED IT.

BECAUSE I ALREADY SAW IT.

HAD THEY LISTENED?
PREVENTED!

BUT???? WHAT DID THEY DO???
THEY KNOW WHAT THEY DID!
BECAUSE THEY CHOSE TO DO IT!

WOULD I TELL THEM THEY DID SOMETHING THEY DIDN'T?
NO! BUT THEY THINK THEY CAN DO THAT SH*T TO ME!

I KNOW WHAT I DID AND DIDN'T.
BECAUSE I MAKE THOSE CHOICES!

CORRECT?

I ALSO KNOW WHY I MAKE THE CHOICES I MAKE!
I ALSO OWN MY SH*T!

"I HAVE TO CONTROL HOW EVERYONE LOOKS AT HER!"
SO WHAT DOES THAT LOOK LIKE?

WHAT DOES DOING THAT LOOK LIKE?

BECAUSE: "IF I GET EVERYONE TO LOOK AT HER LIKE XYZ...."
THEY WILL THINK OF HER LIKE XYZ!

RIGHT?

AND I TELL PEOPLE THINGS, YES....
TRUE THINGS.

IF THE TRUTH MAKES ANYONE LOOK LIKE XYZ....
IS THAT ON ME?

HE "REACHED OUT" AFTER 12 YEARS....
FOR A CERTAIN "OUTCOME."

OTHERWISE.... WHY REACH OUT AFTER DISCARDING ME?

TO "LOVE BOMB" ME?
OR TRY TO?

NOBODY MAGICALLY CARES!
THEY EITHER DO OR THEY DON'T!
DID HE CARE WHEN HE WAS DOING XYZ?
AND CHOOSING TO?

NO?

IF THEY ACTED LIKE THEY DIDN'T......
SHOULD I THINK THAT THEY DO?????

SHOULD I "CORRECT" EVERY "RUMOR"?
EVERY "FALSE NARRATIVE"?
FROM EVERY COWARD?

TOO SCARED TO TELL THE TRUTH?

I'm not.... BUT THEY REFUSE TO HEAR IT AND TELL IT...
FOR A REASON!

IF THEY WANT TO "PROTECT" THEIR "IMAGE"
BY CREATING A "FALSE NARRATIVE...."
THEY "CARE" WHAT PEOPLE "THOUGHT ABOUT ME"
FOR A REASON.

OR WOULD THEY?
TOLD THE TRUTH!

"ENOUGH TIME HAS PASSED (12 YEARS)"
"ALL SHOULD BE FORGOTTEN."

"ARE YOU SURE IT WAS ME?"
"MUST HAVE BEEN SOMEONE ELSE!"

ALL KINDS OF SH*T!!!!!!!

"I'LL ACT LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED!"
"I'LL TEST THE WATER!"

CAN THEY CONTROL HOW I SEE THEM?
HOW I RESPOND?
IF I LET THEM BACK IN?

FK NO.

THEY THOUGHT THE GASLIGHTING
WAS GOING TO AFFECT ME "FOREVER" LOL!

YOU CAN'T "ISOLATE" SOMEONE
WHO PREFERS THEIR SOLITUDE.

THEY HAVE TO LIVE WITH WHAT THEY DID.
I DON'T.

THEY DO.

DID IT SURPRISE TF OUT OF ME?
YEAH.

IT REALLY DID!

BECAUSE I WASN'T EXPECTING ANY OF THAT SH*T!
WHO WOULD?

PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW ME...
TRYING TO "DEFINE" ME.... HA!

I'm Mostly A Test

It seems that I "come into" people's lives
AS A TEST.

NOT THAT I CONSCIOUSLY TEST THEM.
NOT THAT IT IS MY INTENTION.

I don't "want to" test people.

But the test is:
WILL YOU APPRECIATE A***...
OR WILL YOU TAKE HER FOR GRANTED?

WILL YOU TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY...
TO STEP UP....
OR NOT?

Will you OVERCOME....
YOUR ISSUES...
OR WILL YOU BLAME THEM ON HER?

Things like that....

Mostly about RESPECT.

BECAUSE HAD ANY OF THESE FKERS....
RESPECTED ME....
THEY WOULDN'T HAVE....
TREATED ME.... THE WAY THEY DID!

And it was a test for ME, TOO!
WILL I RESPECT MYSELF? OR NOT?
WILL I BE FAIR TO MYSELF? OR NOT?

IF I WILL, WHAT WILL I DO WITH IT?
IF NOT, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN?

Often... Respecting myself
And being fair to myself...

REQUIRES ME... TO LEAVE CERTAIN PEOPLE
WHO DIDN'T RESPECT ME....

IN THE PAST.
LEAVING THEM TO THEIR OWN SH*T.

My future.... Does not INVOLVE....
ANYONE WHO ALREADY BLEW THEIR CHANCE.

IT DOESN'T.
Should it???? 

SHOULD IT INVOLVE ANYONE WHO DISREGARDED ME?
DISMISSED ME?
DISCARDED ME?

NO?

WHO SHOULD IT INVOLVE?
IF ANYONE?

MAYBE... IT SHOULD INVOLVE LOYALTY.
ESPECIALLY TO MYSELF.

I MEAN.... IF THEY MISS THEIR OPPORTUNITIES.....
IS THAT ON ME?

OR THEM?

THEY COULD HAVE BEEN "CAREFUL"
NOT TO XYZ.

ESPECIALLY WHEN I BROUGHT IT UP....
MORE THAN ONCE.

SHOULD I HAVE THINGS TO BRING UP?
AND SHOULD I HAVE TO BRING THEM UP?

AND LOOK HOW THEY ACT WHEN I DO!!!!!!!!!

SHOULD I ACT LIKE THAT????
IF THEY BRING SOMETHING UP TO ME???
EVEN ONCE???

OR SHOULD I BE "ALLOWED" TO BRING IT UP????
LIKE THEY ARE???

WOULDN'T THAT BE "FAIR"?

TO BE ALLOWED TO BE BOTHERED
BY SOMETHING THAT WOULD BOTHER THEM, TOO?

IF IT WAS COMING FROM ME?

WHAT IF I GASLIT HIM?
AND DISCARDED HIM FOR 12 YEARS?

WOULD HE WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME?
AFTER THAT? NO?

PROBABLY NOT!

AND INSTEAD OF RESENTING HIM
FOR NOT WANTING TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM....

HE COULD HAVE ACCEPTED IT!
LIKE I'D HAVE TO!

IF I DID THAT SH*T!

I learned that I can be HONEST....
AND STILL GET MISTREATED!

WAS I SUPPOSED TO WAIT 12 FKN YEARS????
SERIOUSLY?

AM I "SUPPOSED TO" WAIT 12 MORE???

THEY CAN "TALK" ABOUT HOW I'M NO LONGER "INVESTED."
AND WHY!

ALL THEY WANT TO!

WOULD I WANT TO "INVEST" IN PEOPLE
WHO MISREPRESENT ME?

SHOULD I WANT TO BE "COLLATERAL DAMAGE"
IN SOMEONE'S BS?

NO?

THEY CAN TAKE MY "SILENCE" PERSONALLY.

WANTING MORE FOR MYSELF....
HAS WHAT TO DO WITH THEM????
ANYTHING?

BEEN WHO I AM.... FROM DAY 1!
I DID WHAT I HAD TO DO.

People can MISS ME, ALL THEY WANT TO!

DOESN'T MEAN I "NEED TO" BE MISTREATED!
OR DISREGARDED!
OR DISCARDED!

JUST BECAUSE THEY "MISS" ME.

THEY "MISS" ME.... BECAUSE THEY "FEEL"
MY "ABSENCE."

THEY CAN APPRECIATE IT.
SINCE THEY DIDN'T APPRECIATE.... ME....
OR MY EFFORTS... WHEN I MADE THEM.

When I made the TIME for THEM.

WHEN THEY CARED MORE ABOUT WHAT THEY WANTED
THAN WHAT I WANTED.

Some people think they can just "copy" me.
BUT THEY DON'T KNOW
WHAT IT TOOK
TO "SURVIVE" THE SH*T THAT I DID.

THEY WON'T KNOW, EITHER.
THAT'S FOR ME TO KNOW.

ALL THE "PERSONAL POWER" THAT I HAVE.... TODAY...
I HAD TO "EARN" THAT.

IN A LOT OF SH*TTY WAYS!
IN WAYS I DIDN'T WANT TO....

BUT I DID. ALL OF THAT.
"ALONE."

IF IT WAS "EASY," EVERYONE WOULD BE "DOING IT."
BUT ARE THEY?

IF THEY WERE.... I WOULDN'T HAVE TO DEAL 
WITH ANY OF THAT BS.

I learned WHO was FOR me and WHO WASN'T.

AND MOST PEOPLE AREN'T EVEN FOR THEMSELVES!

If they don't "understand"
TELLING THEM A BILLION TIMES
WOULD MAKE NO DIFFERENCE!

TELLING PEOPLE WHO REFUSE TO LISTEN....
DOES WHAT? ANYTHING?

Anything? Or NOTHING?

I Was Surprised, But Should I Be?

I think what made it so disappointing....
It was surprising.
I WASN'T EXPECTING THAT.

IF PEOPLE WANT TO DEFEND THEIR LIES...
AND HAVE "FALSE MEMORIES..."
AND TRY TO TELL ME THAT MINE ARE FALSE....

AND TRY TO PUT ME IN A BOX
I NEVER BELONGED IN....

I DON'T.... "HAVE TO" STAY.

DID HE THINK I'D BE "WAITING FOR HIM"
12 YEARS LATER?

If people push me to LEAVE THEM TO THEIR SH*T...
THEY DID THAT, NOT ME.

THEY CAN "RESENT" ME FOR IT...
IF THEY WANT TO....

BUT I DON'T "HAVE TO" GAF.

It was a lesson for ME
AND FOR HIM.

ABOUT LOOKING BACK.

BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE TO "TRY."
I DIDN'T HAVE TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE AT ALL!

AND HE DIDN'T HAVE TO WASTE IT.

EVEN "NEW PEOPLE"
CAN WASTE THEIR CHANCES, TOO, THOUGH.

EVERY TIME I TRIED TO TELL THE GUY....
THAT HE WAS P*SSING ME OFF....

HE'D JUST DOUBLE DOWN!!!!

SO THEN????? 
I DOUBLE DOWN.... ON "DON'T PLAY WITH ME."

BECAUSE: I WAS NOT FKN PLAYING.

AND WHEN HE REALIZES THAT I WASN'T....
IF HE EVER DOES.... I DON'T HAVE TO GAF.

JUST HOW I DON'T GAF ANYMORE.

If someone's going to take me for granted... 
THEY CAN JUST... P*SS OFF.

BUT THEY DON'T WANT TO "BELIEVE"
THE "DEMISE" OF ANYTHING....
HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM!

AND SO MUCH EASIER TO BLAME.... ME.
AND EVERYONE ELSE.

LYING TO THEMSELVES.

AND IF THEY WANT TO DO THAT....
THEY CAN KEEP DOING THAT.

LYING TO THEMSELVES IS ONE THING...
LYING TO ME IS SOMETHING ELSE.

And WHY lie to ME? Am I lying to YOU? NO?

BUT PEOPLE SEEM TO LIKE TO TRY TO GASLIGHT ME.

12 YEAR DISCARD....
"YOU WERE HAVING DIFFICULTIES THAT CAUSED YOU TO BE VOLATILE."

HE KNEW VERY LITTLE OF MY "DIFFICULTIES."
I BEAR ALL OF MY "BURDENS" ALONE!

AND "VOLATILITY" WAS ACTUALLY ANGER....

WHY WOULD I BE ANGRY?

IF I BLAMED HIS ANGER ON HIS "DIFFICULTIES"
AND NOT ON WHAT I WAS DOING....
THAT P*SSED HIM OFF....

WOULDN'T HE BE "ANGRY" TOO?

I THINK HE WOULD BE!

That.... Whatever that was....
WASN'T FOR ME.

AND THAT'S OKAY!

NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE FOR ME.

BECAUSE: MAYBE SOME THINGS ARE...
AND SOME THINGS AREN'T.

Does EVERYTHING "have to" be for ME?
OR FOR YOU? NO?

THEN? ISN'T THAT EASIER TO ACCEPT?

"I don't remember treating you horribly..."
"I'm not someone who would treat someone like that..."

NO? THEN WHY TREAT ME LIKE THAT?????
HMMM?

JUST FOR KICKS?
OR WHAT?

And just because you "FORGOT" that you treated someone
HORRIBLY....

DOESN'T MEAN YOU DIDN'T!!!!

BLAMING MY "DIFFICULTIES"
FOR MY "ANGER"
ABOUT HOW YOU TREATED ME...

IS WHAT? TAKING ACCOUNTABILITY?
NO?

BUT "TELLING" ME....
THAT MY "VOLATILITY"
WAS ABOUT "MY DIFFICULTIES..."

IS WHAT?
MANIPULATION!

I REMEMBER WHY I WAS UPSET!!!

I DON'T NEED TO BE "TOLD" WHY I WAS UPSET!
I KNEW WHY!

I WAS THERE!
"HAVING TO" GO THROUGH THAT SH*T!

I CAN'T UNSEE ANY OF THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!

NOT FOR ME!
JUST THAT!

I don't really know WHAT I was expecting, if anything....
BUT I SURE WASN'T EXPECTING THAT BS!!!!!

I WASN'T EXPECTING BS....
AND BS EXCUSES FOR THAT BS.

BUT???? IT SEEMS THAT'S WHAT I MOSTLY "GET."

NOT FOR ME.
THEY CAN DO THAT SH*T TO SOMEONE ELSE.

AND BLAME THEIR "VOLATILITY"
ON THEIR "DIFFICULTIES."

OR WHATEVER ELSE.

SURE, I HAD SOME DIFFICULTIES....
BUT THAT'S NOT AN EXCUSE
TO TREAT ME LIKE SH*T!

NOT AN EXCUSE TO SH*T ON ME!

NOT AN EXCUSE TO BLAME ME
FOR YOUR OWN SH*TINESS!

But..... HOW CAN I "TRUST" SOMEONE
WHO DOES THAT SH*T?
I CAN'T!

But I'm "toxic" for NOT WANTING TO LET THEM BACK IN....
12 YEARS LATER?

WHEN I GET THAT SH*T?
ON TOP OF THE SH*T 12 YEARS AGO????

What people don't "realize" about me:
MY PATIENCE HAS LIMITS!

AND I DON'T HAVE TO RETURN TO MY PAST....
JUST BECAUSE THEY "POP UP" 12 YEARS LATER.

AS THOUGH THEY NEVER DID ANYTHING TO ME....

WHY EVEN BOTHER WITH ME.... 12 YEARS LATER....
IF I WAS SO "TOXIC"?

IS HOLDING SOMEONE "ACCOUNTABLE"
"TOXIC"?

I'D EXPECT THEM TO HOLD ME TO MY SH*T TOO!

IF THEY DID.... WHY BE MAD ABOUT IT?

BECAUSE: SHOULDN'T I BE HOLDING MYSELF "ACCOUNTABLE"
FOR MY OWN SH*T???? YEAH???

MY "ENERGY" SHOULDN'T HAVE EVER "CHANGED"
RIGHT?

BUT???? WHY DID IT?
ANY REASONS???? YEAH???

I WAS "SUPPOSED TO" GIVE IN.... TO THAT SH*T.
NO TF I WON'T.

WHY WOULD I?

GIVE IN TO BEING GASLIT?
ABOUT WHY I WAS ANGRY?

REASONABLY ANGRY?
FOR A REASON?

WHY WOULD THAT BS "INTEREST" ME?

PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE:
A*** CAN MOVE ON!
FROM BS!

FROM CHARACTER ASSASSINATION!
FROM MANY THINGS!

WHY? BECAUSE I'VE "HAD TO."
THAT'S WHY!

HAD HE TREATED ME RIGHT?????
HAD THEY REALIZED ANYTHING ABOUT ME???

WHY WERE THINGS "DIFFERENT"
WHEN HE WAS BEING "DECENT" TO ME?

WHEN I NEVER THOUGHT HE'D TREAT ME LIKE THAT?

IF I WAS "TOXIC"..... WE WOULD HAVE NEVER....
GOTTEN ALONG!
EVER!

BUT IF THEY ARE TOO ARROGANT TO REALIZE....
HOW THINGS COULD HAVE BEEN...
AND THAT THEY HAD THEIR CHANCE....

AND THAT I DON'T "HAVE TO"
HAND CHANCES OUT LIKE CANDIES...

THEN??? THEY ARE TOO ARROGANT....
TO BE "DECENT."

WHY EVEN "STILL THINK ABOUT" ME....
IF I WAS THE "ISSUE"?

IF YOU DIDN'T WANT TO SEE IT FOR WHAT IT WAS
AND COULD HAVE BEEN....
AND SHOULD HAVE BEEN.....

IS THAT MY PROBLEM???? NO???

BUT SO EASY TO BLAME ME FOR THEIR BS....
BECAUSE THEY SURE WON'T BLAME THEMSELVES
FOR THEIR OWN BS.

IF THEY THINK IT WILL GO IN THEIR FAVOR....
AND DEFEND THEIR LIES - VICIOUSLY.....

THAT'S STILL BEING FKN VICIOUS.
NOT VICTORIOUS.

THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.

He could have made BETTER choices!
LIKE JUST BEING FKN FAIR TO ME.

IF HE HAD CHOSEN TO BE FAIR?
WOULD I HAVE ANY REASON TO BE "ANGRY"?

CAN I "TRUST" SOMEONE
WHO CHOSE TO BE UNFAIR TO ME?

OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN?

I have no "control" over how anyone CHOOSES TO ACT.

I DON'T WANT TO CONTROL ANYONE.
I'M TOO BUSY CONTROLLING MYSELF
TO WANT TO CONTROL ANYONE.

Nobody gets to have "POWER" OVER ME.
WITH THEIR BS.

Someone... Posted:
"Don't you love it when someone "cuts you off"
for not letting them leech off you?"

So I told him:
If people want to go fk themselves...
I say they are allowed to do that.

IF THINGS HAD BEEN DIFFERENT....
I WOULD HAVE RECONNECTED, HAPPILY.

BUT???? THEY WERE BS....
SO???? NO. 

WOULD HAVE LOVED TO....
HAD THINGS BEEN DIFFERENT!!!

DIDN'T I TRY ALREADY?
MORE THAN ONCE?

AFTER A LOT OF BS?

YEAH? I DID???? HMMM!

SO I'D WANT TO AGAIN? NO.

WOULDN'T YOU BE FKN EXHAUSTED, TOO?
AND NOT INTERESTED IN TRYING AGAIN???

FOR THE SAME SH*T????

Everything that is RARE....
IS RARELY GIVEN IN RETURN!!!!!

OR EVEN SEEN FOR WHAT IT IS!!!!!!!!!

COULD HAVE JUST.... RESPECTED ME....
ENOUGH.... NOT TO DO THAT SH*T.

JUST THAT. 
RIGHT?

AND WHY WERE WE ONCE "CLOSE"?
BECAUSE I WASN'T "TOXIC"?

IF I WAS... WE WOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN "CLOSE."
RIGHT?

IF THEY CREATE "DISTANCE" WITH BS....
THEY CREATED IT!
FOR A REASON!

AND IF YOU DO THAT TO PLAY GAMES....
THAT I NEVER SIGNED UP TO PLAY....

YOU.... ARE.... DOING IT..... NOT ME.

IF YOU BLOW IT.....
BY "SILENT TREATMENT" FOR 12 YEARS....

I TREAT THAT AS
"SLAMMING THE DOOR IN YOUR OWN FACE."

AND IF SOMEONE WANTS TO DO THAT....
THEY CAN DO THAT.

I DON'T HAVE TO "FIGURE OUT" WHY....
ALL I HAVE TO KNOW:
"THEY CHOSE THAT."

IF I CHOSE THAT.... THEN THAT WOULD BE MY CHOICE....
CORRECT?

WHY WOULD I FIGHT TO BE "UNDERSTOOD"?

TESTED MY BOUNDARIES.
FOUND OUT.

NOT MY PROBLEM.

WHY WOULD THAT "DRAW ME CLOSER?"

HIDE AND SEEK? HOPING I'D SEEK?
AND FIND?

NO.

IF YOU WANT TO HIDE. DO THAT.
NOT PLAYING GAMES.

BEING EXPECTED TO PLAY GAMES....
P*SSED ME OFF.

TRYING TO "MAKE" ME THINK I WAS THE "TOXIC" ONE....
MANIPULATION.

IT WASN'T ABOUT HOW I "REACTED."
IT WAS WHAT I WAS "REACTING" TO.

AND HIS BS WAS COMING FROM HIM, NOT ME.

HE DRANK TOO! QUIT THIS YEAR!
AND WANTED TO USE MY DRINKING
AS FKN AMMUNITION.

"YOU'RE JUST ANGRY BECAUSE YOU'RE DRUNK."
WTF?

MAYBE BECAUSE YOU ACT LIKE THAT.... TO ME.
MAYBE THAT HAS "SOMETHING" TO DO WITH IT.

DID I SAY SH*T LIKE THAT TO HIM? NO?
DID I DO THAT SH*T TO HIM? NO?

WHY WOULD I DO THAT SH*T?

Neglecting me for the time we "connected".....

AND GHOSTING ME FOR 12 YEARS....

AND THEN TRYING TO ACT LIKE I CAUSED
ALL THE SH*T HE CAUSED....

THEN "THINK OF ME"
WHEN WHATEVER TF THEY ARE IN....
IS FAILING?

I DON'T NEED HIM TO "VALIDATE"
MY FEELINGS.

I CAN'T EVEN "TRUST" HIM WITH MY FEELINGS!

DID HE EVER APPRECIATE ME? AT ALL? NO?

THINK ABOUT MY "SUPPORT"
WHEN YOU HAVE NONE, THOUGH.

THOUGHT I WAS ALWAYS GOING TO BE THERE....
THAT I'D "ENABLE" THAT SH*T...

INSTEAD OF CONFRONTING THEM ABOUT IT???

PEOPLE WHO GASLIGHT PEOPLE
WANT THE PEOPLE THEY GASLIGHT...
TO QUESTION THEIR WORTH.

I DIDN'T "AGREE" TO DO THAT.
WHY SHOULD I AGREE TO THAT?

DID HE VALUE ME?
OR MY TIME?

NO?

SO WHY WOULD HE VALUE ME
OR MY TIME....

12 YEARS LATER???

WHY WOULD I BE "CONVINCED"
THAT HE "MAGICALLY" CARES? 
12 YEARS LATER?

HE DIDN'T! 

NOT ABOUT ME OR ABOUT THE DETAILS.

PEOPLE ONLY TRY TO "COME BACK"
OUT OF FOMO.

NOT BECAUSE THEY EVER CARED!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE IF THEY CARED.....
IT WOULDN'T BE ABOUT FOMO!
IT'D BE ABOUT CARING!!!!!!!!!!

ABOUT ME FFS!!!!!!!!
ABOUT HAVING SOMETHING WITH ME!!!!!!!
ABOUT BEING FAIR TO ME!!!!!!!!!

THEY "LOST ME" BY PUSHING ME AWAY!
TREATING ME "HORRIBLY."

LYING TO ME AND ABOUT ME.... ETC.

ASSASSINATING MY CHARACTER....

MUCH MORE.
RESENTING ME.... FOR THEIR OWN SH*T.

PEOPLE WHO GASLIGHT.....
DON'T KNOW HOW TO GROW....

OTHERWISE.... THEY'D GROW!

THEY'D SHOW THAT!
INSTEAD OF BEING ABOUT MORE BS!

THEY TRY TO "COME BACK"
WHEN THE GRASS WASN'T "GREENER" ON THE OTHER SIDE!

WHEN THEY KNOW THAT THEY....
GAVE ME THE SH*T END OF THE STICK!

GRASS IS ONLY GREEN WHERE YOU WATER IT!
NOT WHERE YOU TAKE TOO MANY CHANCES!

"UNAVAILABILITY" WAS TO MANIPULATE TOO.
NOT IN MY CASE, THOUGH.

BECAUSE I WAS AVAILABLE...
UNTIL I WASN'T.

AND WHY AM I NOT AVAILABLE ANYMORE?
BECAUSE OF UNFAIRNESS?

I TURN COLD WHEN THEY TURN COLD.

I'M NOT GOING TO JUST "GET USED TO"
THEIR BS.

IT'S GOING TO P*SS ME OFF.

IF THEY WANT TO RISK IT.... FOR NOTHING.
GO AHEAD! DO THAT!

SEE WHAT HAPPENS!

AND WHEN YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS....
THAT'S ON YOU.

MANIPULATION DOESN'T "WORK" ON ME.
IT'S NOT "SUPPOSED TO."

WHEN THEY SEE THAT....
TOO LATE!

ALREADY TRIED TO DO THAT SH*T, RIGHT?
DIDN'T HAVE TO....

CHOSE TO!