Reflecting A Bit

Reflecting on things has actually helped me.
Whether reflecting in thought or in writing....
It's still reflecting.

That's how people can gain insight.

I did a lot of reflecting in writing.
I don't mind doing it.
Especially if it helps other people reflect on their own lives.
Not that I expect what I say to have any kind of "effect."
If it does, cool. I'd be surprised, actually.

Spent my life mostly SHELVED.
PUT ON THE BACK BURNER.
ALL KINDS OF STUFF.
IMPULSIVE SH*T.

BECAUSE IF PEOPLE THOUGHT....
ABOUT ME....
WOULD THEY DO THAT?

Honestly... Even though I've wanted others to put themselves
IN MY SHOES....
I DIDN'T ALWAYS DO THAT.
FOR THEM.

THERE ARE MANY TIMES
I WAS TOO SELFISH TO BE CONSIDERATE
OF OTHER PEOPLE.

AND TOO IGNORANT.

As fkd up as I was.... 
I've actually realized a lot.

Because I thought about a lot.
I asked myself a lot of questions.
I've been delving into some deeper things....
About myself.

Because if I don't....
None of that gets looked at.
At all. Let alone whatever way it does.

My immaturity COST ME.
Was I thinking about the consequences?

Was I thinking about what I would lose?
Was I thinking about how he felt?
Was I thinking about even talking about it?
With him?

It should have been about how he felt.
ABOUT UNDERSTANDING THAT.

Yes, I was extremely insecure.
Yes, I was extremely unstable.
Yes, I was extremely immature.

I was fkd up in so many ways.
BUT I COULD HAVE CHANGED.

I WASN'T READY.

My BS probably affected him.

IT WASN'T THAT HE WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM.

I WAS THE ONE WHO TOOK A RISK.
NOT GROWING & CHANGING WAS A RISK.

BEING WITH ME WAS A RISK FOR HIM.
HE TOOK THAT RISK.
TO BE WITH ME.

He dealt with a lot from me.
Was I seeing that? When he was dealing with it?
From me?

OR WAS I TOO BUSY BEING FKD UP?
TO SEE FKN ANYTHING?
ABOUT MYSELF?
OR HOW I WAS?
BACK THEN?

If I had the chance to just TALK TO HIM AGAIN,
I'D TAKE IT.

BUT I'M THE ONE WHO FKD UP.
I WAS THE ONE WHO WASTED HIS TIME.
I WASN'T DEALING WITH MY BS.

I SEE IT NOW.
HOW IT SEEMED, LOOKED, WAS, FELT, ETC.
HOW I ACTED, THOUGHT..... ALL OF THAT.

Why did it take so long? I don't know why.
Maybe I spent too long COPING
WITH MY OWN SH*T.
OR TRYING TO.
BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I WASN'T ALONE
WHEN I WAS WITH HIM...

I WAS IN SOME WAYS.
BECAUSE SOME THINGS
I COULDN'T EXPECT ANYONE TO UNDERSTAND.

I WISH I HADN'T ENDED IT,
FOR THE BS REASONS I DID.

OR AT ALL.

I WISH I HADN'T DONE MANY THINGS.

I WISH I HAD WORKED IT OUT
WHEN I COULD HAVE.

BUT NOW.... I CAN'T.

AT THE SAME TIME, I WASN'T SEEING THE THINGS
AT THAT TIME, 
THAT I SEE NOW.

IF I DID, I WOULD HAVE MADE BETTER CHOICES.

I'M THE ONE WHO MADE THE CHOICES
THAT I MADE.

IN THAT MOMENT.

THAT AFFECTED BOTH OF US.
NOT JUST ME, NOT JUST HIM.
BOTH OF US.

But at the same time....
I WASN'T FIT TO EVEN BE DATING!
I WAS NOT ON HIS LEVEL!
I WASN'T FUNCTIONAL AS A PERSON!
AM I? EVEN NOW?

I DOUBT THAT.
VERY MUCH.

Been A While.... Update

Haven't forgotten about this blog. Just been....
Keeping myself busy and repairing years of damage.

Honestly, when most people are not TAUGHT how to....
SUPPORT themselves physically, emotionally, mentally....
THEY TEND NOT TO DO IT.

IS IT THEIR FAULT THEY NEVER WERE TAUGHT HOW?
NO! IT'S NOT!

IS IT THEIR RESPONSIBILITY TO LEARN, 
AS AN ADULT? YEAH.

In my 20s, I didn't have my priorities "straight."
I also put myself LAST in many ways.

I wasn't used to prioritizing my NEEDS.

Primarily, my NEED for STABILITY.
PHYSICALLY, EMOTIONALLY, AND MENTALLY.

Sure, I "knew" I needed that....
BUT I LOOKED OUTSIDE MYSELF FOR THAT.
ALWAYS.

CAN'T FIND IT OUTSIDE MYSELF.

Here's a metaphor:

It's like misplacing your KEYS inside your "place."
INDOORS....
BUT..... YOU LOOK FOR THE KEYS OUTDOORS.
WHERE YOU DIDN'T LOSE THEM.
WHERE THEY AREN'T.
THEY AREN'T THERE.
THEY ARE INDOORS.

So why look for something somewhere
IT ISN'T?
WILL YOU FIND IT?
SOMEWHERE IT ISN'T?
NO!
BECAUSE IT'S NOT THERE!

I'm "disorganized."
Mentally, I'm getting a bit better...
But physically, I'm not "there," yet.

Patience is something that is a "virtue."
But.... We can actually apply it to ourselves.

While in the process OF CHANGING.
MANY THINGS.
DIRECTION, HABITS, PATTERNS, EVEN ACCESS.

And with changing can come GRIEVING.
"LOSS" OF WHAT WAS.
EVEN WHEN WHAT WILL BE AND CAN BE
IS EVEN BETTER THAN WHAT WAS.

I went through that "phase" when I quit drinking.
I felt like I was grieving. 
Being an active alcoholic.
"FRIENDS" I THOUGHT WERE MY ACTUAL FRIENDS.
FEW STOOD BY ME
AFTER I QUIT DRINKING.
VERY FEW.

THOSE WHO DID WERE THERE FOR "ME."
NOT BECAUSE I DRANK, TOO.

THE ONES WHO BOUNCED...
WERE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH "ME."
"SOBER ME."

I joined a group about RECOVERY.
I made a post asking if people went to AA
and if it helped, what helped?
If something didn't resonate with them, what didn't?

I went to AA meetings for 6 months.
My first 6 months of sobriety.
It did help in some ways....
It didn't help in some other ways.

Some things resonated and were effective.
Some things didn't resonate with me at all.

I learned that only 30% of recovering addicts 
NEVER RELAPSE.
AND STAY QUIT.

70% RELAPSE.

What's the difference?
What makes THE difference?

Between those who NEVER RELAPSE....
AND THOSE WHO ARE MORE PRONE TO?

WHAT???? MAKES THEM MORE PRONE TO?

I come from a dysfunctional family.
So dysfunctional that I was supposed to be proud
to be as dysfunctional as I truly was.

I was so dysfunctional that I was extremely dysregulated.
How was I to know....... HOW....
TO REGULATE MYSELF?

WAS ANYONE TEACHING ME?
ANYTHING RELATED TO THAT?

DOES THAT GET TAUGHT?
BY DYSFUNCTIONAL PEOPLE?
TO DYSFUNCTIONAL PEOPLE?

WHEN YOU'RE IN SOMETHING....
YOU CAN'T SEE IT.

You might have seen it, 
BUT YOU STOP SEEING IT.
YOU BECOME "BLIND" TO IT.

LIKE "SMELL BLINDNESS."
WHEN SMOKERS CAN'T SMELL THEMSELVES.

WHEN I WAS A SMOKER, 
I COULDN'T SMELL THE STINK OF CIGARETTES.

I DATED A GUY WHO DIDN'T SMOKE WHEN I DID.
HE STILL TOOK A CHANCE ON ME.

I USED TO DRINK AND SMOKE AT THAT TIME.
IN MY 20S. WHEN I DATED HIM.

I DIDN'T COME FROM THE FUNCTIONALITY HE DID.
HIS FAMILY WAS OPPOSITE TO MINE.
SUPPORTIVE ETC.

I WAS LUCKY TO EVEN BE ACCEPTED INTO THAT.
FOR AS LONG AS I WAS.
FULLY, WHOLE-HEARTEDLY.
HONESTLY.

YES, I THINK ABOUT HIM, STILL.
HE'S A CATCH. I KNOW. I DATED HIM.
I MISS HIM. 

I DIDN'T DESERVE HIM.
ANYTHING ABOUT HIM.

HE PUT UP WITH TOO MUCH BS FROM ME.
HE NEVER DESERVED THAT.

I threw it all away because...
I thought I was doing "the right thing."
BY SETTING HIM FREE.

SO HE COULD BE FREE OF ME.
OF MY BS. 

BECAUSE I WASN'T READY.
HE WAS. I WASN'T.

EVEN IF I WAS READY OR CLOSER TO BEING READY, NOW....
IT'S TOO LATE NOW.

I HAD THAT CHANCE.
NOT A CHANCE I'LL JUST "GET" AGAIN.

NOT AFTER BEING AS FKED UP AS I WAS.

HE HAS WHAT IT TAKES TO ATTRACT ALL KINDS OF GOOD THINGS
INTO HIS LIFE AND I WANT THAT FOR HIM, EVERYTHING GOOD FOR HIM.

THE ONLY REGRETS I HAVE FOR THAT RELATIONSHIP....
WAS.... NOT BEING READY....
TO MEET HIM....
WHERE HE WAS AT.
WHERE HE DESERVED FOR ME TO BE AT.
I WAS VERY UNDERDEVELOPED.....
IN MANY WAYS....

BUT THAT'S NOT AN EXCUSE.
IT'S A FACT.

A fact that... I have had to accept about myself....
AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT.

I wasn't ready to GROW & CHANGE.
EVEN THOUGH I COULD HAVE & SHOULD HAVE.

DID I KNOW HOW?
NO. I DIDN'T KNOW HOW....
BUT I WASN'T THINKING ABOUT HOW....
BEYOND NOT KNOWING HOW.

BUT NOT THINKING ABOUT HOW...
WASN'T..... DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

WASN'T DOING ANYTHING ABOUT THE FACT....
THAT I HAD TO GROW & CHANGE.

I WAS THE ONE WHO SABBOTAGED IT ALL.
I WAS THE ONE WHO RUINED IT.
NOT HIM.

WASN'T THINKING, DIDN'T THINK.
BLEW IT.
MY FAULT. NOT HIS.

AND IT'S NOT LIKE I COULD 
"MAKE THAT RIGHT."
BECAUSE IT WASN'T.

It's not like I could just "apologize."
It's not like he'd just "forgive" me.

It's not like things would just "be the same."

Especially after all this time.

That's part of why I've been intentionally single for a long time.
Since my last relationship.
I tried to date a few times after that, but....
I realized IT WAS A DISTRACTION
FROM DEALING WITH MYSELF
AND MY OWN ISSUES.

NOT JUST "LOOKING FOR LOVE"
THAT I WASN'T LIKELY TO FIND....

Being an alcoholic showed me a lot about myself....

But as I was saying....
When we are IN it, it's hard to see certain things.

AND OTHER CERTAIN THINGS....
IF WE REFUSE TO SEE THEM....
WE WON'T SEE THEM.

I REFUSED TO LOOK AT HOW I WAS.
FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

THAT COST ME, DEARLY.

Maybe that guy I dated in my 20s....
Maybe he was the only guy who ever....
Actually loved me.

Like nobody ever DID OR COULD, OR WOULD....
MAYBE HE WAS!

DID I SEE THAT?
WHAT WE HAD?
WHILE WE WERE TOGETHER?

IF I DID, DAMN SURE WOULD HAVE APPRECIATED IT MORE!
MUCH MORE!
THE WAY HE DESERVED TO BE, 
FROM ME.

INSTEAD OF STRUGGLING WITH MY OWN SHIT, 
AND RUINING EVERYTHING.

BETWEEN HIM AND I....

BUT FROM EACH RELATIONSHIP I HAVE HAD....
I HAVE LEARNED SOME THINGS.
ABOUT MYSELF.
TO GET..... HERE.

LEARNING THE HARD WAY....
IS STILL LEARNING.

I Swear!

I'm fkn tired!!!!!!!!!! Okay?
Of being fkn EXPECTED to do/be/have xyz.......

WHEN I GET FKN CRUMBS
OF WHAT I FKN DESERVE.

IT SHOULD NOT BE A FKN FIGHT
FOR BASIC FKN RESPECT.

AND I WON'T BEG FOR IT.
SHOULD I MAKE OTHERS BEG FOR IT FROM ME?
NO?

THEN WHY SHOULD I?

Things like courtesy, consideration, respect.... 

CLASS FFS!
FKN CLASS!

Wouldn't it be disappointing coming from me?
Then how is it not disappointing to me, COMING FROM THEM?

SHOULD IT TAKE PISSING ME OFF?

SINCE THEY CAN'T PUT THEMSELVES IN MY SHOES?

FOR EVEN ONE FKN DAY?
FOR ONE FKN INSTANCE?

AT ALL?

THEY WANT THE EMPATHY FROM ME!
WHERE IS MINE?

THEY WANT UNDERSTANDING FROM ME!
WHERE IS MINE?

THEY WANT RESPECT FROM ME!
WHERE IS MINE?

Would they want excuses from me after the fact?

OR WOULD THEY WANT ME TO SHOW UP?

My bro has been storing his stuff at my place
because he has nowhere else to put it.

So I said, "okay."

He wanted to come over to cut the mattress
to fit his shed thing he's building. 

BUT HE LEFT ME HANGING, WAITING, ALL DAY.
HE CONTACTED ME AT 10PM
"SORRY I DIDN'T TEXT U."

HE INTENTIONALLY DIDN'T.
BECAUSE HE FKN CHOSE NOT TO. 
NOT TO TELL ME HE WASN'T COMING. 

MADE ME WAIT INSTEAD.
I FKN HATE THAT SH*T.

AND THEN FKN: "SORRY I DIDN'T DO
THE THING I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO
THAT YOU EXPECTED ME TO DO
BECAUSE I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO IT
AND IF I RESPECTED YOU, 
I WOULD HAVE JUST FKN DONE IT."

RIGHT?

AFTER ALREADY KNOWING
THEY WOULD NOT WANT ME
TO TREAT THEM LIKE THAT.

SO WHY DO IT TO ME?

JUST TO SEE HOW MUCH SH*T I CAN TAKE?
BEFORE I GET P*SSED OFF ABOUT IT?

AND WHEN I GET P*SSED OFF ABOUT IT, 
YOU WANT TO TURN IT AROUND ON ME AGAIN?

LIKE I'M NOT BEING FKN TOLERANT ENOUGH?

FK OFF!

"YOU'RE NOT LETTING ME DISRESPECT YOU!"

NOT ANYMORE!

GET MAD ABOUT IT!

YOU WANT ME TO DISRESPECT YOU?
AND THEN GET MAD AT YOU THAT I DID THAT TO YOU?

IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT!

DON'T DEFLECT YOUR SH*T ONTO ME!
I ALREADY TOLERATED WAY TOO MUCH FROM WAY TOO MANY!

YOU CAN'T EXPECT ME TO TOLERATE IT
JUST BECAUSE IT'S CONVENIENT FOR YOU!

FK OFF WITH THAT SH*T!

Leveling Up

It's not that I'm anti-social. 
I'm anti-BS.

If I met someone who was more like me, 
we'd get along. 

The people I've been meeting....
DON'T KNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE.
AND DON'T SEEM TO CARE.

DON'T WANT TO CHANGE.
DON'T WANT TO GROW.

EXPECT ME TO CHASE THEM.
TO BEG FOR THEIR ACCEPTANCE.

NO. I WON'T BEG FOR ANYTHING.

NOT EVEN FOR THE FKN APOLOGIES I'M OWED.

But the reason people try to hurt me
IS BECAUSE THEY ARE HURT.

IF YOU BURN SOMETHING DOWN TO THE GROUND
WITH ME....

AND GET "HURT" IN THE PROCESS OF DOING IT, 
IT'S NOT MY FKN FAULT.

IF YOU ARE THE ONE SETTING IT ABLAZE,
THAT HAS VERY LITTLE TO DO WITH ME.

TRYING TO BLAME IT ON ME, 
IS NOT TAKING ACCOUNTABILITY.

IF I WENT AROUND ACTING THE SAME WAY
MOST PEOPLE ACT TOWARD ME, 
HOW WOULD THAT LOOK ON ME?

THE SAME WAY IT LOOKS ON THEM!
FOR DOING IT TO ME!

But do they think about that or anything else?
OR ONLY WHAT THEY WANT
FROM ME IN THE MOMENT?

AND WHEN I SAY I DON'T LIKE IT, 
AND WANT THEM TO STOP, 
THEY TREAT ME LIKE I DON'T EXIST TO THEM.

FOR WANTING THEM TO STOP DOING IT.

NOTHING ELSE ABOUT ME "MATTERS."
JUST WHAT THEY WANTED FROM ME
THAT I'M NOT OBLIGATED TO GIVE TO THEM.

I tried to put it this way:
If an old lady.... Was wanting s3x from a dude....
AND THE DUDE WAS NOT ATTRACTED TO HER...
AND DIDN'T WANT IT....
HE WOULD WANT TO SAY NO.
AND WOULD WANT THE OLD LADY
TO BE OKAY WITH HIM SAYING NO.
RESPECTFULLY.

THE DUDE WOULD BE TURNED OFF BY IT.

BUT WHAT IF THAT KEPT HAPPENING, 
BUT THE OLD LADIES WERE BEING AGGRESSIVE, TOO.
NOT JUST WANTING S3X.

DOING OTHER THINGS LIKE TOUCHING HIS EARS?
OR SHOWING PARTS OF HER BODY
THAT HE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE?
AND NEVER ASKED TO SEE?

BUT THEY THINK IT IS OKAY
TO PUT THEIR ENJOYMENT OVER MY COMFORT.
IF I'M NOT COMFORTABLE, 
AM I ENJOYING MYSELF, TOO?
OR NOT?

BECAUSE MAYBE, 
OUT OF RESPECT, FOR ME, 
YOU'D WANT ME TO BE COMFORTABLE.
LIKE BASIC COMFORT.

LIKE RESPECT MY RIGHTS.
RESPECT ME AS A PERSON
TYPE OF BASIC FKN COMFORT.

IF YOU SEE ME AS "ENTERTAINMENT"
YOU AREN'T SEEING ME AS A PERSON!

IT WOULD BE AWESOME IF PEOPLE
SAW ME AS A PERSON.

NOT AS XYZ.... 

Again, I'm not anti-social....
I'm anti-whatever-tf-society-is-now.

I'M ANTI-TREATING-ME-HOWEVER-TF-YOU-WANT.

TREAT ME PROPERLY OR FK OFF.
SIMPLE.

JUST SAYING THAT IF THEY SAW ME AS A PERSON, 
THEY MIGHT ACTUALLY APPRECIATE
AND VALUE MY GOOD TRAITS.

AND WHEN I TELL SOMEONE TO STOP DOING SOMETHING, 
I'M STILL AWARE OF THEIR GOOD TRAITS.

BUT THE GOOD TRAITS DON'T CANCEL OUT
SH*T THEY SHOULDN'T BE DOING/THINKING/BEING.

TOWARD ME. OR IN GENERAL.

AND COWARDS WOULD RATHER
TOUCH GIRLS UNTIL THEY TELL THEM TO STOP.
AND GET MAD WHEN TOLD TO STOP.

FK OFF AND DON'T TOUCH GIRLS!
IF YOU ARE NOT DATING, DON'T TOUCH THEM!
IF SHE IS NOT YOUR WIFE, DON'T!
IF SHE DOES NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU, LIKE THAT, DON'T!
IF SHE IS ONLY YOUR FRIEND, DON'T!
IF SHE DOESN'T WANT IT/LIKE IT, DON'T!
IF SHE WOULDN'T DO THAT SH*T TO YOU, DON'T!
IF YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT TO A MALE, DON'T!

AND THE DISMISSIVE BS AFTER THE FACT
IS JUST AS GROSS AS ACTING LIKE THAT IN THE FKN FIRST PLACE!

THE GUYS WHO TEST AND PUSH BOUNDARIES
GET MAD AT GIRLS WHO HAVE AND ENFORCE BOUNDARIES!
AND WE HAVE TO HAVE BOUNDARIES!
BECAUSE A LOT OF GUYS THINK IT'S OKAY TO DO THAT!
IT'S NOT!

AND WHEN YOU CALL THEM OUT, 
THEY DON'T APOLOGIZE OR SEE ANY WRONG....
THEY DOUBLE DOWN WITH THEIR BS
OR THEY RUN AWAY.

OR DOUBLE DOWN BEFORE RUNNING AWAY.

HOW "MATURE!"

Maybe this is why I rarely date and don't even want to date anymore!
Why should I want to?

FOR MORE BS AFTER I CALL OUT BS?

WHY IS THERE ANY BS TO CALL OUT?

AND I USED TO GET DEFENSIVE TOO!
BECAUSE BEING CALLED OUT ON BS FEELS SH*TTY!
BUT UNLESS SOMEONE ELSE DID....
I WASN'T FKN CALLING MYSELF OUT!

BECAUSE I ACTED LIKE THAT FOR SO FKN LONG.....
THAT I DIDN'T KNOW HOW ELSE TO FKN ACT!

AND IT WASN'T EVEN AN EXCUSE!
I WAS FKED!

BUT..... AS I REFLECTED ON MYSELF......
I REALIZED A BUNCH OF SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!
IN GENERAL!
ABOUT MYSELF, ABOUT LIFE. 

ABOUT HOW I WAS OPERATING.

IF PEOPLE WANT TO TRY TO GET ME "FEELING"
LIKE I'M THE ONE "MISSING OUT"
AND TRY TO PLAY STUPID GAMES WITH ME
THAT I SEE FOR WHAT THEY ARE, 
THEY CAN TRY THAT.
THEY CAN SEE IF THAT SH*T WORKS.
IT DOESN'T.

BECAUSE:
WHAT AM I MISSING OUT ON?
PEOPLE WHO TRY TO MANIPULATE MY FEELINGS?
PEOPLE WHO AREN'T MATURE ENOUGH
NOT TO PLAY GAMES?

THAT IS WHY THAT SH*T BACKFIRES.
I'VE BEEN CONTENT ON MY OWN FOR A WHILE NOW.

I'VE LEARNED A LOT FROM MY EXPERIENCES.

I'M ALSO BUILDING SOME THINGS FOR MYSELF.
IF OTHERS USE THEM, TOO, COOL.
IF IT HELPS, COOL.

BUT WHEN I TELL SOMEONE, A DUDE, 
IT'S NOT COOL TO ACT LIKE XYZ
TOWARD ME, BUT TOWARD OTHER WOMEN, TOO...
AND WHY....

WHY CARE ABOUT WHY? RIGHT?
WHY TELLS YOU... WHY NOT TO FKN ACT LIKE THAT!

THAT'S WHY..... YOU SHOULD CARE ABOUT WHY.
NOT JUST THE WHAT.
NOT JUST THE WTF....

THE WHY!!!!!!!!
WHY IS IT A WTF?!

BECAUSE IT'S NOT COOL?

BECAUSE HAVING RESPECT
MEANS SHOWING YOU HAVE IT?
BY NOT XYZ?
BY CONTROLLING YOURSELF?
BY BEING MATURE?

ALL OF THE ABOVE?

The people who GET IT, GET IT!!!!!!!

THOSE WHO DON'T GET IT, PROBABLY WON'T READ IT!
THEY'LL KEEP PUSHING WOMEN AWAY
AND BLAMING WOMEN!

FOR NOT WANTING TO FKN DEAL WITH THAT BS!

IF IT WAS THE OTHER WAY AROUND....
WOULD THEY WANT IMMATURITY TO THAT FKN DEGREE?
PROBABLY NOT!

SO WHY SHOULD WE WANT THAT?
IT'S NOT "SEXY!"
IT'S FKN GROSS!
IT MAKES WOMEN WANT TO BARF!

IT TURNS WOMEN CELIBATE.

AND WOMEN HAVE THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE CELIBACY!
WE DON'T OWE MEN OUR BODIES!

WE HAVE FULL RIGHTS TO OUR OWN BODIES.

AND TO GET MAD AT US FOR HAVING THAT RIGHT
IS INSANITY!

IT'S ALSO GROSS AND NOT "SEXY!"

IT MAKES US THINK: "THIS IS WHY I AM SAYING NO!"

IF A MAN WOULD WANT TO SAY NO!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHY SHOULDN'T WOMEN WANT TO????????

AND TO GO AS FAR AS TO DRUG US
SO WE CAN'T?
SO WE CAN'T RESIST OR SAY NO?
OR EVEN FKN REMEMBER?

WTF IS THAT SH*T?

IF WOMEN WERE DRUGGING AND CASTERATING MEN.... 
IT WOULD BE A "BIGGER" DEAL
THAN MEN DRUGGING AND ASSAULTING THEIR PARTNERS FFS!

MEN WOULD BE ENRAGED THAT WOMEN
HAVE THE "BALLS" TO DO THAT, RIGHT?

SO WHY ARE THEY BEING SILENT
AND DEBATING AND ARGUING OVER FKN SEMANTICS
WHEN IT'S ABOUT WOMEN?

BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW HOW ELSE TO ACT?

MAYBE LEARN HOW ELSE TO FKN ACT!
IN GENERAL!

TOWARD WOMEN, THOUGH.
BECAUSE WOMEN ARE SO P*SSED OFF
THEY ARE TURNING ON EACH OTHER
FOR NO FKN REASON.

IT'S FKD UP.

I HARDLY TRUST OTHER WOMEN AS IT IS...
BECAUSE THEY CAN GET REALLY FKN PETTY
AND AGGRESSIVE OVER BS.
ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY THINK THEY'VE BEEN "SCORNED."

PEOPLE HAVE THE RIGHT TO CHANGE THEIR MIND!
EVEN IF THAT IS PAINFUL!

I DENIED ACCESS TO ME, TO SOMEONE.
THEY RAGED ABOUT IT, AT ME, FOR HOURS.
UNTIL I BLOCKED THEM AND THAT P*SSED THEM OFF, TOO.

IF SOMEONE DENIES ME ACCESS TO THEM, 
IT IS FOR A REASON. 

I AM NOT ENTITLED TO ACCESS TO ANYONE.
NOT EVEN JUST "TO BE NICE."

THE ONLY ONE ENTITLED TO MY TIME
IS MY KID. 

HE IS THE ONLY ONE ENTITLED TO MY TIME.
AND HE DOESN'T ACT ENTITLED TO IT.
HE ASKS FOR IT, HE GETS IT
WHEN HE WANTS IT.
WHEN I CAN.

I MAKE MYSELF AVAILABLE FOR HIM.
BECAUSE I'M HIS MOM.
HE GETS ACCESS TO ME.
BEFORE ANYONE ELSE.

ANYONE WHO DOESN'T LIKE/ACCEPT/RESPECT THAT....
CAN FK OFF.

WHY WOULD I EVEN WANT TO BE AROUND PEOPLE
WHO ACT P*SSY WHEN THEY DON'T GET WHAT THEY WANT?
RIGHT WHEN THEY WANT IT?

WHY DO THEY WANT ACCESS TO ME?
WHEN THEY NEVER APPRECIATED HAVING ACCESS TO ME?
OR ANYTHING I DID FOR THEM WHEN THEY HAD IT?
OR ME AS A PERSON?
OR ANYTHING ABOUT ME?

THEY WANT ACCESS TO TRY TO GET
SOMETHING THEY WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YET I AM NOT ALLOWED TO FKN WANT ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE WHY SHOULD THEY CARE?
THAT I WANT BASIC FKN RESPECT?

IF THEY SHOW ME THEY CAN'T LEVEL UP, 
I DON'T HAVE TO STICK AROUND.

SHOULD I BE THERE TO BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED?
TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF?
DISREGARDED?
DISMISSED?

WHO WANTS TO BE THERE FOR THAT BS?
DO YOU?
WOULD YOU?
WOULD ANYONE?

SO WHY SHOULD I?