Tired

Lots has been running through my mind lately. 
Trying to get some stuff done before the cut off. 

My internet's getting cut at the end of the month...
Because I paid them too late one too many times....
And they disconnected my phone...

And I still owe them money... 

Currently don't have a phone right now. 
But that's okay. 

Still have the internet for now...
Until I don't lol.

But... I think this month is full of changes.
New number... New company...
Maybe I can even save some money... 

Who knows?

Not all changes have to be bad...

Just hard to get out of holes sometimes. 
And get other things set up... 

Just extra sh*t to do....
That I didn't intend to do....
But have to do...

Just that.

So the stuff... I'm working on... 
I'm just going to keep plugging away...
For as long as I can... 

But... That's just some stuff on my mind, I guess.
Just been a bunch of sh*t at once... Unpleasant. 

Maybe it's a retrograde thing lol!

And after that.... Things can shift... Maybe.

Things can always shift. 
And things can shift in surprising ways! 
Sometimes good things happen!

Not all the time... But, sometimes.
And we don't see surprises coming. Right?
Or we wouldn't be surprised. 

It's just that... Throughout my life.... 
A lot of the surprises were.... Bogus. 

Speaking of bogus... 
There used to be a show on TV called Mr. Bogus.
I think in the 90s... 
I remember that show... 

Anyway... A throwback from my childhood. 

It was animated, I think.
Been a while... 

Mr. Bogus <----- 

Yup, animated. From the 90s. 
I was a kid... I remember that much. 

I was 9 years old 1993.. 

Yes, I used to watch cartoons as a kid... 

I remember my son's heartbreak realizing
that his favorite cartoon charcters weren't real...

It broke his heart!
He bawled! 

I felt so bad for telling him, but I'd have to eventually. 

Better to know, right?

I forget how old I was when I realized cartoons weren't real... 
But I don't think I had that reaction. 

I was intrigued about the fact that cartoons were drawings.
And how the drawings are animated... 

It's pretty interesting, right?
I think so!

And all of it was done BY HAND back in the day.
All the classics that were done by hand!

Wild, eh? That skill?
It's an art in itself. 

I've got to figure out some stuff to get out of the hole... 
But when I do, it'll be nice. 

Just getting everything settled up will feel nice, too. 
Finally. To get it off my mind. 

One day. It will happen!
Because: Shifts can happen!

I have a plan... And I'll see how I can pull it off.
I hope I can, but it will take A WHILE.

It isn't one of those "get rich quick" things.

It's a "multi-layer" thing. 
My job is to build it and tie it all together. 

But each part... Has it's own thing... 
And each thing has to be built, by me. 

I don't have anyone on my "team" to help me build it. 
Would be cool, but HARD TO TRUST PEOPLE THESE DAYS.

And there's that whole thing about not getting into business
with friends or family... 

"Just in case."

Because although we hope that things would "work out"
THE WAY WE HOPED...
THAT DOES NOT ALWAYS HAPPEN.

Also, I have to get a tooth pulled. 
It's been bugging me. Aching. 

I was supposed to get it pulled last month, 
but I was too congested in my lungs... 
Coughing up a bunch of stuff. Gross.
(Sorry tmi).

I just read something: "I take rumors as compliments." LOL!
I LOVE IT.

She made a point about assumptions...
People can THINK that they know... 
BUT DO THEY?

Anyway... She was talking about how some women....
TEND TO COMPETE AND GET JEALOUS ETC.

A long time ago.... I used to get jealous... 
At school I had a crush on a guy
who had a crush on a chick.

I hated her. She didn't do anything to me.
I hated her because I wanted "dude" to like me.
But he didn't. 

It was... Bad. Like.... Really bad. 

I remember that, though.
FEELING LIKE THAT AND ACTING LIKE THAT.
AND THINKING LIKE THAT.

I don't get jealous anymore. 
I forget how I "broke the habit"
BUT IT WAS A HABIT. 
HABIT OF THINKING "JEALOUS" THOUGHTS.
HABIT OF FEELING "JEALOUS."
HABIT OF ACTING "JEALOUS."

IT WAS A HABIT. 

Anyway... I did get over that guy....
OBVIOUSLY... 
WAS SO LONG AGO LOL. 

But that was way back then....
BEFORE I THOUGHT A LOT ABOUT THAT
AND SOME OTHER THINGS...

But I did break that habit. 

Wish I could remember how... 
But I did become extremely secure. 
Emotionally.... 

To the point that I don't feel, think, or act like that anymore. 
It didn't feel good. It felt crappy. 
It didn't LOOK good, either. 

All good... It was a learning experience, I guess.
Learning about myself. 
Learning about emotional management etc. 

I wish I could remember how I broke that habit
because I'd write about it. 

Might help someone overcome their habits... 

But... It's been a very long time! I'm getting OLD lol. 

Anyway, I can use the internet at the library until I can get the net. 
I didn't have the net when I first moved here... 
I managed without it. 

I went without using the internet for 6 months... Once.
The hardest part was wanting to look things up on Google. 
After a while it was okay!

Just did a bunch of "offline" stuff.
I knit more, I listened to music, I read more... 
I just did other stuff. 

It went well. And then, I got the net back
and been spending a lot of time online...

Maybe a break is what I needed?
So.... I'll keep going....
Until I have to take a break... 

BUT... I'll be back... Eventually...
And... By then... My head will likely be clearer... 

And I'll have other things to write about....
Other than the things that I've been processing lately. 

Just a bunch of changes to make and adapt to. 
It'll be okay. I'll get things figured out... 

Just not everything RIGHT IN THIS MOMENT.
I have to drop it until I can focus on it. 

Yes, extra stuff, important stuff... 
Can be kind of stressful to figure out... 
But... I can manage that.

I'd rather not have to, but I do. I'll do it.

"A CHANGE WILL DO YOU GOOD."

Lots of changes can do us good. 
Like breaking crappy habits... 

Habits can "run automatically."
Muscle memory even... 

PROGRAMMING. 

But it doesn't mean that we need to have or keep them. 
There are helpful habits and habits that don't help us. 

A lot of my habits were not helping me. 
Some of my habits need to change, still, but...

I have broken some that I needed to. 
I have made some progress. 

Slow progress, I guess, but some progress....
IS BETTER THAN NONE. 

Who knows where I'm going to be in 5 years from now?
I could be out of this place, debt free, eating good... Etc. 

Who knows? Could even go better than I had hoped. Right?

I won't know, until I see how it goes. 

What They Don't Say

What they don't say is WHAT THEY DID TO ME.
OR HOW THEY TREATED ME.
ONLY DEFLECTING.
DISHONESTY.

When they are in DENIAL.....
1) THEY DON'T SEE THE TRUTH FOR WHAT IT IS
2) THEY REFUSE TO SEE IT

"SOMEONE IS EXPERIENCING WHAT THEY PUT YOU THROUGH."

TRY TO FK WITH SOMEONE'S REPUTATION, 
YOU'LL GET YOURS FKD WITH.

PEOPLE WHO SIDE WITH PEOPLE DOING THAT SH*T
ARE ONLY THERE WHEN THEY THINK SOMEONE IS WINNING.
WHEN THEY ARE NOT WINNING, 
THEY ARE NOWHERE TO BE SEEN.

Anyway.... I outta just let this sh*t go again.
I ALREADY HAD.

HE WOULD HAVE HURT ME WAY WORSE IN THE LONG RUN.
I CAN SAY THE SAME FOR THE OTHER SELFISH FKRS.

I GOT OUT WHEN I HAD TO.
I'M OKAY WITH THAT.

When people think about the WRONG THINGS....
ALL THE TIME.....

THEY DON'T THINK ABOUT THE RIGHT THINGS.

STATUS, RESPECT, REPUTATION.

These things..... Aren't all that important.
THEY CAN BE LOST.
THEY CAN BE DESTROYED.
THEY CAN BE TEMPORARY.

ALSO..... THE PEOPLE WHO WANT THESE THINGS.....
PUT TOO MUCH "IMPORTANCE" ON THEM.

STATUS ONLY MATTERS....
IF YOU THINK IT'LL GET YOU THINGS.

WHAT THINGS? SUPERFICIAL THINGS.

RESPECT..... IS SOMETHING COMMANDED.
NOT DEMANDED.

RESPECT IS SOMETHING YOU CAN LOSE.
AND ONCE YOU DO.... CAN YOU GET IT BACK?

NO? THEN IF IT IS SO IMPORTANT.... KEEP IT!

REPUTATION...... CAN BE DESTROYED
TRYING TO DESTROY SOMEONE ELSE'S.

BECAUSE PEOPLE SEE THAT SH*T.

IF THEY TRY TO GO FOR A***'S REP....
THEY'LL TRY TO GO FOR MINE, TOO.

YES, THEY WILL. 

EVERYONE WHO WOULD LIE TO YOU, 
WILL LIKELY LIE ABOUT YOU!!!!!

TO MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE "THE PROBLEM."
WHEN..... THEY WERE ACTUALLY FKN ABUSING YOU. 
MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY
WITH FKN GAMES AND BS.

AND WHEN YOU CATCH THEM:
"YOU'RE TOXIC" DEFLECTION.

EVEN THOUGH HE BLOCKED ME....
HIS MESSAGES ARE STILL THERE.

WHICH MEANS THEY ARE EVIDENCE
OF HOW HE TREATED ME.

AND KEPT TREATING ME.

THE SAME WAY HE TREATED ME BACK THEN.

HE WANTED TO BE "ALPHA."
DID HE WANT TO BE UNDERSTANDING?
DECENT? CARING? 
OR INSULTING AND ABUSIVE?

YES, I CALLED IT OUT. I HAD TO. 
OR HE WOULD HAVE KEPT GOING.
THINKING I'D PLAY HIS GAME SOME MORE.

SO I HAD TO SHOW HIM: NOPE.

HE CAN'T DEAL WITH HIS VANITY AND IGNORANCE.
BUT IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM THAT HE CAN'T. 
IT'S NOT SOMETHING I CAN "FIX."
OR WANT TO. 

SHOULDN'T BE EXPECTED TO, EITHER.

NOT WANTING TO GO BACK TO BS ISN'T ME
"DISRESPECTING HIM."
CALLING HIM OUT ISN'T 
"DISRESPECTING HIM."

IF I WANTED TO DISRESPECT HIM:
I'D LIE TO HIS FACE LIKE HE DID TO ME.
I'D STAND HIM UP LIKE HE DID TO ME.
I'D HAVE BEEN OUT THERE FKING AROUND.... RIGHT?
I'D HAVE TREATED HIM THE WAY HE DID TO ME.
I'D PUT HIM ON THE SHELF.
AND I'D BLAME HIM FOR ALL THAT BS, TOO.
JUST TO TRY TO MAKE HIM FEEL "LESS THAN."
ON TOP OF ALL THE BS.

AM I BLAMING HIM
FOR ANYTHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH ME?
OR AM I HOLDING HIM TO
EVERYTHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH HIM?

THERE IS A DIFFERENCE. A BIG DIFFERENCE!

BECAUSE HE BLAMES ME FOR HIS SH*T.....
TO MINIMIZE AND DEFLECT HIS SH*T.

I HOLD HIM TO IT
BECAUSE HIS SH*T..... IS SH*T.

IF I HAD ANYTHING TO BE HELD TO..... DO IT!
AM I MATURE ENOUGH NOT TO DEFLECT?
AM I MATURE ENOUGH TO THINK ABOUT IT?
AM I MATURE ENOUGH TO NOT MAKE MY ISSUES
HIS ISSUES?

HE WASN'T "OBLIVIOUS" TO WHAT HE WAS DOING.
HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING BECAUSE HE CHOSE IT.

MAD AT ME BECAUSE HE CHOSE WRONG?
IS THAT MY FAULT? NO?

HE DID THAT SH*T OUT OF SPITE, AND HE KNOWS IT.
WOULD I WANT SOMEONE WHO SPITES ME?
JUST BECAUSE THEY CAN'T HANDLE THEIR OWN SH*T?

SHOULD I? NO. GROSS.

SOME OF THE DAMAGE WAS POSSIBLY UNINTENTIONAL....
BUT MOST OF IT WAS DEFINITELY INTENTIONAL.

HE THOUGHT THAT WHAT HE CHOSE WAS WORTH IT.
SO.... OKAY! STAND ON IT, THEN.

WHY TRY TALKING TO ME 12 YEARS LATER?
IF YOU DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO BE DECENT TO ME?

*BLOCK* SILENT TREATMENT FOR 12 YEARS.

MAYBE I'LL HERE FROM HIM IN ANOTHER 12 YEARS LOL!
WHEN I'M 54! LOL!

THEN HE'LL DO IT AGAIN! LOL!

WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS IN 2038 LOL.

If anything, but 24 years is too late for an apology....

AND IF IT'S FOLLOWED BY INSULTS, IT'S NOT A REAL ONE.

Tried to outsmart me with semantics... 
No. I see you twisting things. 
If you twist it, I'll set it straight.

Not that I have to, but I will, usually. 

Unless I could not be bothered. 

"A***'S WORTHLESS. I CAN DO BETTER."
OKAY. 

BUT, IF I WASN'T WHAT YOU WANTED.....
FIND WHAT YOU WANT.

BUT..... DON'T BETRAY ME OR BURN A BRIDGE.
JUST.... BE..... HONEST.

THAT WAS ALL.

AND WHEN THAT PERSON WASN'T "THE PERSON"
YOU CAN'T TRY TO SWING BACK LOL.

Like..... It would be like.... Me....
If I did that.... If I fkd around with him....
And then... DISCARDED HIM....
Then.... 12 years later.... 

"Just saying hello."

WTF WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT????!!!!

Refuses to take accountability and ARGUES
WITH WHAT? THE FACTS?

AND I BET HE'S LEADING SOMEONE ON RIGHT NOW!
WHILE "JUST SAYING HELLO" TO ME.
Why bother? 12 years later? WTF?

BECAUSE I WAS R.O.D?
YEAH BECAUSE I WAS INTERESTED AND THOUGHT....
THINGS COULD BE WORTHWHILE....
BUT.... THINGS.... WENT.... THE WAY.....
THEY.... WENT.

SWITCHED UP ON ME.
WASN'T THE FIRST ONE TO DO IT, THOUGH.
WASN'T THE LAST ONE.

MIRROR SMASHER WAS THE LAST BS.
AND IT MADE ME REALIZE: FK THIS SH*T.

TOO MUCH BS, IMMATURITY, JUST.... 
TOO MUCH.

I THINK "I'M GOOD" WHEN IT COMES TO THAT.
TOO MANY BS "SURPRISES" I DIDN'T SEE COMING.
I DIDN'T DESERVE THAT SH*T. 

It's okay not to be on the same page.....
BUT..... BS..... IS..... BS.

I'm tired! My "love life" IS SH*************TTTTTT!
SO WHY NOT JUST...... BE ALONE? LOL.
EASIER. LESS ARGUMENTS.
I CAN TALK TO MYSELF.
I CAN ACTUALLY GET SOMEWHERE.
I CAN RESPECT MYSELF.
I CAN BE HONEST WITH MYSELF.

Is there a "player" handbook?
Like "When in doubt, deflect"?
Or some sh*t like that? Curious.

Pretty sure d*cks teach other dudes to be d*cks. 
Like D*CK CULTURE.
OR SOME SH*T.

Some hoes probably do the same sh*t, though.
"This is how to be a gold digger" Or some BS...

Ever see those videos? The ones about exposing gold diggers?
Where they record how hoes act around a dude with cashola?

My reaction: "Good for you, dude. I'm happy for you."

Because what am I suppsed to do?
Want something that I don't gaf about?

Been surviving so long that it's fkn good enough for me.
If I have basics covered... I'm good, right?

My friend and I were outside recently. 
He saw a fancy vehicle he likes. 

I said "That thing?" 
To be sure I knew it was indeed "that thing" he was talking about... 

The dude driving it heard me call it "that thing" and gave me a look lol.

Like "this not cool enough for you?" Or something... 

I call things.... "Things."
It could be a vehicle or another thing...
"Thing" is a placeholder.

It wasn't that the dude's vehicle wasn't "fancy enough"
or whatever... Cool. "Bravo on your "thing.""

But, to me.... A vehicle is a vehicle.
Whether it's a Jag or a Toyota lol. 
IT GETS YOU WHERE YOU WANT TO GO.
AND I'M COOL WITH THAT.

Honestly, I have never owned a car.
I never bothered to learn to drive. 

I stay home a lot anyway... 

I WALK A LOT, LONG DISTANCES.
MY LEGS AND FEET STILL WORK.
AND "GAS" IS FREE LOL.

One of my relatives likes to do hikes. 
He did this huge one last year.
He hiked from the border or Mexico back to Canada.
Wild trip he did! He recorded it, though. 
Got to see some of it. 

Took like 3 months or something....
To do the whole trip. 
He stopped in towns along the way... 
It was a trail with other hikers etc. 

He seemed to have a good time!
Something like a "bucket list" thing. 

Anyway... Something to tell you....
Ego-driven people will refuse to just let you move on...
BECAUSE TO THEM: "SHE'S PRETENDING TO BE DONE."
PROJECT: "IF I ACT UNBOTHERED, SHE WILL BE BOTHERED."

BUT.... NO. IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.

ACTUALLY UNBOTHERED. UNINTERESTED.

BECAUSE EGO-DRIVEN PEOPLE....
THINK "SHE'LL BE STUCK ON ME IF I IGNORE HER."

NO. SOME PEOPLE..... ACTUALLY..... MOVE ON. 

I EVEN FKN DATED!!!!!!!!! AFTER HIM!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT DOES THAT SAY?

"HOT AND COLD" TURNS ME OFF.
IT IS IMMATURE. IT IS GROSS. NOT FOR ME.
NO THANKS.

AND THEY DO THAT SH*T TO CREATE "TRAUMA BONDS."
BUT TO ME: BS GAMES. YUCK.

THEY THINK THAT IF THEY DON'T GIVE YOU CLOSURE, 
OR APOLOGIZE, OR GIVE YOU AN EXPLANATION....
YOU'D BE STUCK.

DO YOU NEED ANY OF THOSE TO KNOW:
FK THIS, I DON'T DESERVE IT. 

HE THINKS: "SHE'LL THINK SHE'S IMPORT TO ME IF I TRY TO COME BACK."
NO. I WASN'T. 
BECAUSE OF THE BS GAMES THAT WERE BS.

THEY THINK DIFFERENTLY THAN MOST PEOPLE DO.
THEY PROJECT THEMSELVES ON SOMEONE ELSE. 

THEY'LL TRY TO MANIPULATE ACCORDING TO 
WHO THEY ARE.

IT WOULD WORK ON SOMEONE LIKE THEM
BECAUSE IT WOULD WORK ON THEM.

BUT MOST SANE PEOPLE SEE THROUGH THAT SH*T.
AND OBVIOUSLY GET WAY TURNED OFF BY IT. 

"I'LL GHOST HER WHEN SHE'S INVESTED."
THINKING I'M HOOKED. NO.
WAS. UNTIL.... THEIR BS.

THEY SHOW ENOUGH ABOUT THEMSELVES....
THINGS THAT I UNDERSTAND.
THAT THEY THINK I DON'T... 

IF HE WANTED TO KEEP MY INTEREST.....
HE DIDN'T. 

AND WHEN SOMEONE IS UNINTERESTED IN AN EGO-DRIVEN PERSON....
THAT IS THE WORST FOR THEM!

It's a tactic that they use... Pretending to be uninterested. 
But for them, they do care, they pretend they don't. 

But.... Pretending they don't.... IS A TURN OFF.

OKAY. YOU DON'T CARE? THEN WHY SHOULD I?

THAT'S THE REACTION THEY GET.

NOT: "PLEASE CARE ABOUT ME!!!!!"
OR WHATEVER VALIDATION SEEKING 
THEY WANTED.

BUT WHEN YOU ARE ACTUALLY NOT INTERESTED....
THAT SEEMS TO DRIVE THEM NUTS!

BECAUSE THEY WANT YOU TO BE.... BUT YOU'RE NOT!
BUT WHY? WHY ARE YOU NOT?

BECAUSE WHY WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN BS?

THEY WANT TO WIN A "GAME."
THAT'S ALL THEY ARE. GAME PLAYERS.
THEY HAVE EGO-WOUNDS.....
EGO-BRUISES....

AND WHEN SOMEONE BUSTS THEIR EGO....
THEY WANT TO "WIN" SO THEY CAN BOOST THEIR EGO BACK UP.

EGO-DRIVEN PEOPLE WANT TO BE CHASED.
THEY WANT TO BE COMPETED FOR.
FOUGHT FOR.

THEY PLAY GAMES TO TRY TO "TRAUMA BOND."

THAT'S NOT WHAT I'D "SETTLE FOR."
WHY "SETTLE" FOR SOMETHING ONE-SIDED.
IF IT'S NOT "HEALTHY & FUN".... IT'S NOT FOR ME.

ABUSIVE BS... 
IS ABUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IT DOESN'T MAKE ME WANT THEM.

I'M NOT "DESPERATE TO GET HIM BACK"
OR HE WOULD HAVE HEARD FROM ME...
I WOULD HAVE CHASED. I DON'T CHASE.

I LET THEM RUN AWAY AND STAY AWAY.

"THEY NEED YOU TO ADMIRE THEM.
THEN THEY'LL END IT AGAIN."

JUST WANTED CONTROL OVER ME.

THEIR EGO CANNOT STAND "INDIFFERENCE."
THAT'S WHY I WASN'T "ALLOWED" TO MOVE ON.
OTHERWISE HE WOULD HAVE LET ME...
AND NOT TRIED HIS SH*T AGAIN.
RIGHT?

BUT WHEN I SAW WHAT I SAW....
IT DID WHAT IT DID.

AND I HAD TO DO WHAT I HAD TO DO....

BUT HE HAS A GRUDGE OR SOMETHING.... 
BECAUSE I DIDN'T FKN BOTHER AND DON'T WANT TO.
BECAUSE I AM CONTENT ON MY OWN.

LIKE LIVING MY OWN LIFE IS A BETRAYAL.
AFTER BEING DISCARDED?

WHEN SOMEONE LOVEBOMBS YOU....
THEY REACT THE WAY THEY THINK THAT YOU WANT THEM TO.

IT'S NOT AUTHENTICTY. IT'S FAKE.

AND THEY THINK WHAT YOU WANT
IS WHAT THEY WOULD WANT. 

THEY DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT YOU WANT
BECAUSE THEY DON'T CARE TO UNDERSTAND YOU. 

AND IF THEY ARE ARROGANT AND ENTITLED....
THEY DEFINITELY DO NOT CONSIDER WHAT YOU WANT.
OR ANYTHING ABOUT YOU....

BECAUSE IT'S NOT ACTUALLY ABOUT.... YOU.
IT'S ABOUT GETTING SOMETHING THEY WANT
FROM YOU. 

And they will try to get you BACK to REJECT YOU, 
TO NOT FEEL REJECTED BY YOU. 

BECAUSE THEY CANNOT HANDLE IT. 
REJECTION IS "DEFEAT" IN THEIR "POWER GAME."
INDIFFERENCE IS A FORM OF REJECTION ALSO. 
TO THEM. 

IT HITS A "REJECTION WOUND."

TRYING TO MANIPULATE MY FEELINGS
ACCORDING TO WHO THEY ARE.... 

IS WILD. BUT, THEY DO THAT.

AND THEY THINK THAT WILL WORK.

IF I AM JUST MYSELF AND THAT DOESN'T WORK...
OKAY. BUT IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO "WORK"
BECAUSE IT'S NOT A "TACTIC."

IT'S JUST.... BEING.... MYSELF. 
THERE'S NO PRETENSES. NONE OF THAT.

BECAUSE I AM NOT TRYING TO GAIN ANYTHING. 
NEVER WAS. 

THERE ARE NO GAMES FOR ME TO PLAY
OR THAT I WANT TO PLAY....

THEY THOUGHT ME BEING UNBOTHERED
WAS TO TRY TO MANIPULATE HIM. 

IT WASN'T AND ISN'T.

A***, IF YOU'RE UNBOTHERED....
WHY ARE YOU WRITING ABOUT HIM?

It's just to process things on my side... 
Get things out of my system... 
Make some points. 

Like how I proccessed sh*t after Mirror Smasher... 
Stuff like that. And I moved on from that.
Barely mention him at all. 

Unless it's to make a point. 

He's allowed to live his life.
I am allowed to live mine. 

We were not on the same page and we're not going to be.
That is good to know, right?

WOULDN'T YOU RATHER KNOW?
THAT YOU'RE INCAPATIBLE?

AND IF YOU ARE, YOU ARE!

JUST THAT!

THAT SHOULD BE OKAY!
BUT IT IS BETTER TO JUST.... KNOW THAT.

KNOWING THAT IS ENOUGH FOR ME.

The manipulation game:
"They need you to be DESPERATE after "losing" them."
BUT YOU DON'T LOSE SOMEONE
WHO WAS TRYING TO MANIPULATE YOU!

THEY JUST WANT TO REGAIN CONTROL. 
THAT'S ALL THAT THEY WANT!

Look at egomaniacs for example.... 
Like dictators... For an example....

THEY WANT TO BE ADMIRED.
THEY NEED ADMIRATION.

THEY NEED TO BE.... ADORED.
LOVED BY ALL. 

LOOK AT HITLER, AS AN EXAMPLE.... 
ALL THAT PROPAGANDA....
HAD GERMANY LOVING HIM... 

I CAN THINK OF SOME MORE RECENT EXAMPLES...

BUT HE IS AN EXAMPLE.

THERE ARE STILL SOME PEOPLE TODAY
WHO HAVE THAT MENTALITY, TOO. 

Patience Is NOT Permission

By the time I GIVE UP COMPLETELY....
I'VE ALREADY GIVEN MANY CHANCES.

Each chance I gave.... Was an OPPORTUNITY.

I DIDN'T HAVE TO BE THE FOUNDATION
FOR SOMEONE ACTIVELY TRYING TO TEAR ME DOWN.

THEY KEEP STALKING ME OR WHATEVER THEY ARE DOING....
BECAUSE THEIR EGO CANNOT ACCEPT THAT THEY LOST.

TANTRUM:
"YOU'RE TOXIC..." *BLOCK*

I WAS ONLY "TOXIC" WHEN HE DIDN'T GET WHAT HE WANTED.
ACCESS.

I AM FREE OF THAT. I WON BY NOT GIVING A FK.
BY NOT PLAYING. 

FREE OF "DRAMA."

Want to know something funny?
When I used to be on dating sites.... Long time ago....
I noticed something.

THE DUDES WHO SAY: NO DRAMA
OR "I HATE DRAMA"
OR SOME SH*T.....

ABOUT DRAMA....
ARE THE ONES THAT FKN CAUSE THE DRAMA.
AND THEY BLAME EVERYONE ELSE FOR IT.

THEY OUTTED THEMSELVES.

PEOPLE WHO AREN'T ABOUT DRAMA....
TYPICALLY DON'T EVEN MENTION DRAMA.

BECAUSE THEY ARE DRAMA-FREE.
MOSTLY.... SO WHY WOULD THEY EVEN MENTION IT?

FOUND THAT SH*T SO FUNNY!

THE THING IS:
IF SOMEONE REJECTED ME.....
HOW WERE THEY ROBBED OF A CHANCE WITH ME?
WASN'T THAT WHAT I HAD INITIALLY OFFERED?
WASN'T THAT WHAT THEY REJECTED 
WHEN THEY REJECTED ME?

WHEN YOU REJECT SOMEONE.....
YOU DID THAT SH*T.

WHEN YOU DISCARD SOMEONE.....
YOU DID THAT SH*T.

RIGHT?

AND IF YOU WERE DOING IT....
TO TRY TO HURT SOMEONE.....
YOU DID THAT SH*T.

DID I REJECT HIM TO HURT HIM? NO.
BECAUSE HE HURT ME? NO.

BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT TO REPEAT THAT SH*T.
THAT IS ALL.

BECAUSE HE HAD ENOUGH CHANCES....
TO GET IT RIGHT.
IF HE WANTED TO.
BUT APPARENTLY HE DIDN'T.... 
BECAUSE HE COULD HAVE.

But...... PATIENCE.....
IS NOT.....
PERMISSION.

IT'S NOT PERMISSION TO SH*T ON SOMEONE.
IT'S NOT PERMISSION TO FAFO.

IT'S NOT TO BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED, EITHER.

And if you take it for granted.... 
YOU WILL LOSE IT.

EVERYTHING YOU SHOULD HAVE APPRECIATED....
AND TOOK FOR GRANTED....

CAN BE GONE. JUST GONE.
TAKEN AWAY.

WHY TRY TO TALK TO ME 12 YEARS AFTER REJECTING ME?
NOBODY ELSE TO TALK TO?

PLENTY OF FISH IN THE SEA.... RIGHT?
ONES HE HASN'T REJECTED YET.

MAKE IT HAPPEN.

"A***'S RARE." YES.

BUT? WHAT?
ALREADY REJECTED ME.
IT ENDED.

THAT'S WHY I WAS LIVING MY OWN LIFE! 
RIGHT?

Just wild sometimes.
"I MADE A MISTAKE."

CHOICE. IT WAS A CHOICE.

A CHOICE TO REJECT ME....
BECAUSE YOU WANTED SOMEONE ELSE.
AND THAT IS OKAY WITH ME!!! :P

BECAUSE YOU CAN TREAT HER....
THE WAY YOU TREATED ME!!!!!!!!!!!! 

EVERY GUY WHO CHOSE SOMEONE ELSE....
PROBABLY DOES TREAT HER
THE WAY THEY TREATED ME.

IF THEY BROUGHT BS TO ME....
THEY PROBABLY BRING IT EVERYWHERE THEY GO!

IF THEY WANT A "TRAUMA BOND"
THEY CAN HAVE THAT.

WASN'T EVER SOMETHING I WANTED!
"I'M A D*CK, BUT I'M THE VICTIM!"

"SHE MADE ME XYZ... BECAUSE SHE XYZ...."
YOU CHOSE TO XYZ BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO.
PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T CARE NOT TO?!

IMAGINE THAT?

I've gotta switch it up soon... 
I've got a lot of that stuff out of my system. 
I don't have to keep going forever about any particular situation. 

Yes, it's been on my mind... 
Not because it "affects" me the way it used to.
Not because I care as much as I used to.... 

More or less....
WHEN PEOPLE MAKE THEIR BEDS....
THEY GET TO LIE IN THEM.

BE CAREFUL HOW YOU TREAT PEOPLE.

BECAUSE THEY DO NOT HAVE TO LOOK BACK.

Wishing Things Were The Way They Used To Be

"I wish I could take back the things I did to A***."
Welp, you can't.

I couldn't take back things... If I did that sh*t.
Right?

Should have..... TOLD ME THE TRUTH.
12 YEARS AGO.

JUST THAT.

THEY "CAN'T HANDLE" REJECTION. 

IS IT "REJECTION" OR AM I DECLINING AN "OFFER"?
BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING I WANT FROM HIM. 
NOT EVEN A "CONFESSION."

I DON'T HAVE TO "FIGURE IT OUT"
12 YEARS LATER.

IT WAS THE CARELESSNESS THAT DID IT FOR ME.
ONLY SO MUCH THAT ANYONE SHOWS ME THAT SH*T....

BECAUSE I MIGHT LOOK PAST SOME THINGS, 
BUT NOT EVERYTHING. 

WHEN THEY THINK I'LL LOOK PAST EVERYTHING.....
BECAUSE I LOOKED PAST A FEW THINGS....

WRONG!

HE RAN BECAUSE HE DIDN'T FEEL GOOD ENOUGH
FOR THE CHALLENGE I REPRESENTED.

BECAUSE HE WOULD HAVE HAD TO GROW TF UP.
AND STOP WITH HIS BS. RIGHT?

"IT WOULD BE TOO "HARD" TO BE WITH A***."
I'LL GO TO SOMEONE WHO REQUIRES NOTHING OF ME.

MEH. OKAY. BUT..... HAVE THAT. KEEP THAT. STAY THERE.
AND...... FK OFF WITH THE IDEA I'D WANT YOU BACK!

AND IF YOU DISCARD ME, I'LL ACCEPT THAT SH*T.
FOR EXACTLY WHAT IT IS.

BECAUSE.... WHY WOULDN'T I?

LEAVING ME WAITING.... WAS THE GAME.
PUTTING ME ON A SHELF..... WAS THE GAME.

SUPERFICIAL SH*T IS THERE TO SET YOU BACK.
THAT'S ALL IT EVER WAS THERE FOR.

A "TEMPTATION." BAIT. TROJAN HORSE. 
A LYING TROJAN HORSE LOL.

"I'M *NOT* A TROJAN HORSE!" WINK WINK!

WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE TO SEE THE FAKE?
BEFORE THEY REALIZED I WAS FOR REAL?

DID THEY REALLY HAVE TO?
OR DID THEY CHOOSE TO?

BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO SEE......
HOW FAR THEY COULD PUSH ME.... 

AND PUSHED ME..... TOO FAR.
TOO FAR AWAY.

SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.
BUT? WHAT?
CHOSE TO? YEAH.... SUCKS.... 

DID I CHOOSE THAT?
OR DID THEY?

I DIDN'T!

IS PUSHING SOMEONE..... LOYALTY? NO?

MAYBE I PUSH PEOPLE TO REALIZE THINGS.....
TO POSSIBLY CHANGE.... THEIR LIVES.... 

BUT I DON'T PUSH THEM FOR ANY FKD UP REASONS.
NOT LIKE THEY DO TO ME.

AND THEY DO THAT FOR CONTROL....
AND THEY LEARN.... THAT'S NOT HOW TO GET IT.
NOT OVER ME.

I DO NOT NEED TO CONTROL ANYONE.
WOULD I LOVE FOR THEM TO CONTROL THEMSELVES?
YES.

AND STOP TRYING ME? YES.

BUT CAN I CONTROL THEM TO MAKE THEM REALIZE
THAT THEY FKN SHOULDN'T?

NO?

BECAUSE I'D BE "MANIPULATIVE"
IF I TRIED TO MAKE SOMEONE DO SOMETHING
THEY DIDN'T WANT TO DO! RIGHT?

IF THEY DIDN'T WANT TO GROW TF UP...
IF THEY DIDN'T WANT TO BE TRANSPARENT....
IF THEY DIDN'T WANT TO BE HONEST....
IF THEY DIDN'T WANT TO CHANGE....
IF THEY DIDN'T WANT TO ACTUALLY FKN....

COOPERATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OR EVEN BE FKN.... DECENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RIGHT?

OR EVEN.... LISTEN!!!!!!!!!! RIGHT?

SO WAS THERE ANYTHING I COULD HAVE SAID?
TO SOMEONE WHO WOULDN'T LISTEN?

PEOPLE WHO RUN..... RUN FROM THE CHALLENGE
OF STEPPING UP. 

THEY THINK THEY CAN'T STEP UP.
YES, THEY COULD HAVE.....

HAD THEY BEEN SOLID.
HAD THEY KNOWN WHAT SOLIDARITY MEANT....

BUT..... SOLIDARITY.....
IS A RARITY. 

THAT'S WHY...... THEY RARELY FIND THAT.
THEY FIND A LOT OF BS INSTEAD.

DID I QUESTION MYSELF ABOUT PUSHING HIM AWAY?
YEAH. 

BECAUSE WHAT IF HE WAS "TRYING TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT"?
BUT..... HE ALREADY DID HIS BS.

AND I DON'T FEEL LIKE LETTING HIM PLAY WITH ME AGAIN. 
WHY WOULD I?

COULD HAVE THOUGHT:
WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF I FK HER AROUND?
WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF I DON'T?

FEARING CHANGE BECAUSE CHANGE MIGHT MEAN:
LOSS.

NOT ALWAYS.

BUT WHEN PEOPLE DON'T STOP WITH THEIR BS......
SOME THINGS CAN GET WORSE! HMMM?

DISCARDING ME DOES NOT MAKE ME REACT.
SO DOING IT TO TRY TO GET ME TO DO THAT.....

DOES NOT WORK!

TOO AFRAID TO TELL THE TRUTH?
THE TRUTH IS AT LEAST RESPECTED FOR BEING TRUE!

DO PEOPLE RESPECT LIARS?
ARE LIARS TRUSTED?

NO?

EVEN IF THE TRUTH WAS FKD UP....
AT LEAST IT'S THE TRUTH....

RIGHT?