I Got A Text Today

My neighbor texted me that another neighbor tried to take her life.
People fkn get depressed living here, like this. They do. It sucks. 

Why he's telling me, I don't know. 
Pretty sure she wouldn't want everyone to know. 
Not like I'm going around telling anyone... 
None of their business. 

I told the hospital not to call my parents
when I had a breakdown, but they did anyway. 
None of their business. 

Does it still cross my mind sometimes? Yeah. It does. 
Not because dude didn't want to come over and chill with me.
Because it's been like this for a long fkn time and I'm tired.
TIRED OF TRYING FOR NOTHING. 
I'D RATHER JUST NOT FKN TRY ANYMORE. 

WHY SHOULD IT BE THAT HARD JUST TO MAKE FKN FRIENDS?
IT SHOULDN'T BE. BUT APPARENTLY IT IS. 

Anyway, that guy who showed me his thing emailed me again. 
He doesn't seem to understand why I don't visit him anymore. 
Before he did that, I'd sent him an email about RESPECT, 
and he said he understood... And then did that... 

And wanted me to deal with the refund he wanted... 
After he told me to renew it for him... 

No, dude. I don't want to visit you. 
NOT AFTER THAT SH*T. 

IF I DID GO AFTER THAT, 
IT'D BE LIKE TELLING THE GUY THAT SH*T'S OKAY. 
IT'S FKN NOT OKAY. 

I DON'T NEED ANY MORE BS. 
ESPECIALLY FROM HIM. 

But if he fkn understood, he'd fkn leave me alone. 
And not contact me about fkn anything ever again. 
I don't fkn owe him anything. 
DEFINITELY DON'T OWE HIM MY TIME. 
HE ALREADY WASTED MY TIME. 

HE DOESN'T GET MORE OF MY TIME TO WASTE. 

Anyway, tonight was a low-profile type of night. 
One of my neighbors came to visit me. 

He mostly comes to smoke with me. 
I made him weed tea and a cheese sammich. 
I made myself a cup and a cheese sammich too. 
My stomach feels better with something in it. 
After drinking the tea. 

We listened to music. It started when he told me
that he started listening to a German band, and I knew the one. 

A neighbor I used to smoke with showed me that song and band. 

I showed my neighbor a bunch of bands he hadn't heard before. 
Some of it he liked, some of it he didn't like. 
Can't all be winners, I guess. 

I have a "different" taste in music. The older stuff he knows and likes... 
I know it and like it, too, but I like some other stuff, too. 

I mostly like steady beats and melodic music. Nothing crazy. 

On nights I have a body buzz, and I'm just feeling mellow... 
After drinking weed tea... 

I did go for a walk earlier today. I found a bench to sketch from. 
My hands got cold, and I didn't stay long. 
Couldn't find my smaller sketchbook. 
The one I took with me to the stadium... 
It's around here somewhere. I stashed it somewhere around here. 
I took the bigger one and sketched in it. 
I didn't do any detail work on it, just straight-up sketched it. 
As rough as possible. Just to get back into the rough sketch mode. 
My hands got cold, and I left. 

I told my neighbor I went out, and he was like, "I would have gone with you..."
No. I like going out by myself sometimes. 
We spend so much time together that some people think we are dating. 
He has brought up dating more than once. 

Wish he had just not brought it up. 

Like I wish that other guy didn't show me his d*ck ffs. 

Like I wish a lot of things... But what did hoping ever do for me?

I kinda hoped I'd be married by now, etc... 
A lot of things, but oh fkn well. 

I wish the weather would hurry up and warm up. 
Sitting outside, sketching. 

I sketched one of the buildings at the stadium.
I sketched the buildings from my window. 

I can get lost in that for a while. 
Drawing, music, other stuff... 
I needed that today. 
Something to slip into and stay in for a bit. 

Grabbed a coffee on the way back and a donut. 
and got that text when I got back. 

Then my neighbor came up to smoke and chill. 
So I offer tea and something, if I have something. 

I got the cheese because I sent that invite...
The visit that didn't happen. 

I just don't want to invite the guy again. 
That'll likely be the last time I knock at his door. 

I'm very tired and wish I could sleep for the rest of the winter. 

I told the guy, tonight, before he came up, that I wanted to go to bed early. 
He stayed here past 11pm. Usually, he's back to his place by 9pm. 

I need to unwind by myself for a bit after being around people. 
To get back to feeling... Not sure how to say it... 

To feeling my own energy. When I'm around other people... 
I feel their energy mostly. It bugs me sometimes. 
Especially if their energy feels weird. 

Some people's energy feels pretty weird. All I can say about it. 
It feels weird. Can't explain that. 

Some, I've gotten used to it. Not that I'm a fan of it, but I got used to it. 
Some people, though, their energy just is too off for me.

I like being in my own energy before I sleep and when I wake up. 

I'm going to try to sleep soon. 

Then Don't Come Over

I don't typically invite anyone over to my place. 
I invited someone over to my place. A neighbor. 

He got my invitation and turned it down. 
"I'm not a social person. I don't do visiting."
"I'm not a social person either, but I made an exception for you."

It's not like I wanted to hold him captive in here ffs. 
I even wrote on the note why I was inviting him
so that he wouldn't think I was trying to get in his pants. 

To show him my projects. Just that, and eat with me. 
And I'd offer him some tea and went and got ginger ale... 
And cleaned my place... 

It was his choice to say yes or turn it down. 
Then don't come over. 

It's not often that I invite anyone over, period. 

"I'm not feeling it. Sorry." Then don't come over. 
I don't have to invite you ever again, either. 

This is why I don't invite people over!

Would it have killed him to humor me?
And just let me make him a stupid egg sandwich?
Pretty much all I have to fkn offer him ffs. 

It's because he thinks that I want what I don't actually want. 
The bugs tf out of me to assume that about me. 

"Sorry, not feeling it." I'll remember that. 

When I try to do something nice, I get that sh*t. 
Sorry... Whatever. Don't know why I fkn bothered. 

That sh*t is why I stay to myself ffs. I should have. 

"I'd rather do whatever tf than have a sandwich with you."
Pretty much. Thanks. 

This is why I can't even fkn talk about my ideas with anyone.

I need to turn the radio on. It's too quiet in here. 

Why do people go out of their way to.... Forget it. 
It just would have been nice to have some company. 
That's all. 

I never fkn ask for much. And that's what I get. 
So I'm not going to bother anymore. I'm just not. 
I try, and that's what happens, so I don't want to anymore. Okay?
I'm fkn tired and "not a social person, either." But who fkn cares?

Why did I expect him to be all like "okay! I'll come see what you built!"
"And eat with you and talk with you..."?

It's not like I haven't been rejected like a billion times before this. 
It was just a fkn invitation to come eat with me, and he doesn't fkn have to. 
Then don't come over. 
That's all. Just don't then. 
I shouldn't even fkn care, honestly. 

My phone rang once, and I didn't look at it. 
He has my number; he knows where I live. 
We don't have to talk, see each other, or chill. 
We owe each other fk all.
Just both living in this place, for now. 

But I don't have to "feel it" if he decides to. 
I invited him over, but he turned it down. 
I don't do it often FOR A FKN REASON. 

THAT'S THE REASON. RIGHT THERE. 
THINKING THAT I HAVE A MOTIVE OR SOME SH*T.

WELL, DIDN'T GET TO KNOW ME SO HOW WOULD YOU KNOW
IF I HAVE A MOTIVE OR NOT?
I LITERALLY TOLD YOU THE REASON THAT I INVITED YOU.
I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH CLEAR I NEED TO BE... 

I LITERALLY PUT IT INTO WORDS, ON PAPER. 
NO WAY YOU CAN MISCONTRUDE THAT. 

So no, I don't want to invite you again. 

Because you'll do the exact same thing. 
And if you're not feeling it, you don't have to, 
But don't expect another invitation. 

BUT BETTER THAT HE SAID HE WASN'T FEELING IT, HONESTLY
THAN TO JUST CHILL WITH ME BECAUSE HE FKN FELT BAD
FOR SAYING NO OR SOME SH*T. 

I DON'T NEED ANY FAKE SH*T IN MY LIFE. 
I'D RATHER HIM NOT FKN COME OVER
THAN TO COME OVER TO SPARE MY FEELINGS
OR SOME OTHER FAKE SH*T. 

Everyone can stay away from me for a while. 
I kind of want to be left alone for a while. 

F*ck everyone, I have my music. Fk them. 

Doesn't fkn matter. Just doesn't make me want to put invitations out there. 

Funny how we can talk, downstairs, and that was fine... 
But coming over is somehow different? Just to eat and talk?

It's like inviting someone to your birthday party, and they say no. 

Mirror Smasher, before he stayed with me for a bit... 
He'd invited me to his birthday party, and I said no. 
I felt bad about it afterward, but at the time... I thought something was up. 

Because he went from being a douche to me... 
To inviting me to his birthday party... 

That's why I said no. 
I didn't fkn trust him. Don't now. Fk that guy. 

Why does it even bother me? 
Am I wondering if it's always going to fkn be like this.... ?

It's not like I NEED anyone to come over. 
I can fkn eat by myself, listen to music by myself, etc. 

Maybe because it would have been nice. Maybe that. 
To have a visit from someone I had invited over. 

Just made me clam up. 
It's not like me to invite people over anyway. 

Now I just don't want to anymore. I just don't. 
Because it would have been nice...

To just invite someone over to eat and chill with you, 
to show my projects to.... To talk about stuff, ideas... 

Just that. Nothing more than just that. 

I often feel like I'm not allowed to want anything. 
Even simple fkn easy things. 

But are we all supposed to "feel" everything all the time? No.
I can go for a walk later or something. 

After a few more songs... I can just go for a walk. 
Fk sitting around here. I can get up and go outside. 

Finish drinking my ginger ale and just fk off outside for a while....
Actually, after this one... My ginger ale's gone now... 
So is my patience for this place... 
And patience with myself. At least I tried. 

Just makes me not want to fkn bother anymore. It really fkn does. 

That's Why

Was thinking the other night after "boner for intelligence."
Because, although it's a thing... 
Another thing is maturity. 

I've met pretty smart people. Intelligent people. 
But even as intelligent as they are... 
It's easy to think that because they are intelligent, they... 
Are also MATURE. 
Because it's easy to think that they are so intelligent
that they'd be intelligent enough to be mature. 

Those two things should naturally go together
So it's easy to think that they would, because they should... 

Sometimes you meet someone who is very f*cking smart. 
Who should be smart enough to be mature, as well...
So you think that they are mature, too... 
Because they're smart enough to be.

I guess I'm saying: We can't assume someone's mature.
Just because they're smart. 

I've learned this from past relationships. 
Anyone who assumed I was mature when I wasn't
didn't realize I had things to learn. 

As immature as I was, I was still mature in other ways, I guess. 
Defending my stupid younger self.
Someone has to. 

Because I learned some things at an early age. 

Some things, though, took me too long to learn. 
That's why I write about it. Someone has to lol. 

There used to be prehistoric beavers the size of bears. 
In Canada. But the trees might have been bigger, too. 
Those trees could have made BC trees look like Ontario trees. 

Paul Bunyon. And didn't he have a pet bull or something?
Why am I thinking of a blue bull? I don't know what that's from. 

Did I write about the plate that moved on my counter? It was weird. 
I didn't get it on camera. I'm frozen watching it. 
Last thing I'm thinking is "Better get my phone."
I "lost" it the other day. There aren't many places 
that I purposely place it BECAUSE of not wanting to lose it.
I panicked for a bit, then found it in one of those spots. 
I have a wooden tray that I stash under the couch. 
It comes in handy if I need a "table surface."
While I'm on my couch. I do have a coffee table, but it's put away.
With another table, and I have other stuff. 
My brother's been stashing stuff here. 
He's got nowhere to put it and his gf broke up with him. 

What bugs me about guys is that when a girl breaks up with them
THEY DON'T THINK: "WHAT DID I DO? WHAT DIDN'T I DO?"

THERE ARE REASONS A GIRL WANTS TO BREAK UP!
AND IF SHE WANTS TO BREAK UP WITH YOU,
THOSE THINGS HAVE TO DO WITH YOU.

AND IF GUYS WOULD THINK ABOUT IT....
THEY WOULD REALIZE SOMETHING!
ABOUT THEIR STUPID HABITS THAT P*SS THEM OFF!

IF SOMETHING IS P*SSING HER OFF... WHY?!
WHY IS IT P*SSING HER OFF?
WHAT IS IT ABOUT IT THAT IS P*SSING HER OFF?

AND IF YOU DO IT AND KEEP DOING IT
AND NEVER THINK ABOUT IT...

THAT is going to p*ss her off!!!!

If you NEVER THINK ABOUT IT?!
WHEN YOU COULD AT LEAST THINK ABOUT IT?!

AND IF YOU DID THINK ABOUT IT.... 
YOU WOULD REALIZE WHAT IT IS ABOUT IT THAT P*SSES HER OFF!

BECAUSE WHEN SHE IS TELLING YOU WHAT AND WHY
YOU DON'T WANT TO F*CKING LISTEN!

SO WHY WOULD SHE WANT TO F*CKING STAY?
DOES SHE WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP LIKE THAT?

OR COULD YOU THINK AND LISTEN?
JUST THAT?

Because there are girls who don't want you to buy them stuff. 
There are girls who could buy themselves things if they wanted to. 

Those girls do not GAF about any of that sh*t. 

AND THAT MEANS THAT MONEY IS NICE TO HAVE
BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN SH*T TO THEM. 

SO THEY LOOK AT GUYS WHO HAVE MONEY
AND THINK MONEY IS EVERYTHING
LIKE THEY ARE GUYS THEY DON'T WANT TO BE WITH. 

DIFFERENT VALUES.... DOESN'T WORK. 
DIFFERENT PRIORITIES... DOESN'T WORK. 

Guys look at a type of girl and think ALL girls are like that type of girl. 
AND GET DOWN ON ALL GIRLS BECAUSE OF ONE TYPE. 

So then the girls who do not GAF about the money or whatever bs... 
GET OVERLOOKED. BUT THEY DON'T CARE ANYMORE ABOUT IT. 

THEY DO NOT GAF ANYMORE ABOUT IT
BECAUSE WHEN THEY WERE RIGHT THERE... 
AND GOT OVERLOOKED.... 
THE GUYS WHO OVERLOOKED THEM... 
THEY HAD THEIR CHANCE OR CHANCES
TO SHOW THE GIRLS THEY COULD ATLEAST DO RIGHT BY THEM
BY AT LEAST ACTING RIGHT. 
AND THEY DIDN'T DO IT.

AND BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T DO IT, 
THE GIRLS DON'T WANT THEM. 

AND THEY HOLD OUT FOR A GUY WHO:
1) ACTS RIGHT AT THE VERY LEAST
2) DOESN'T OVERLOOK/UNDERESTIMATE
3) HAS THE SAME VALUES

They either hold out for a guy like that or choose to be single. 

Because trying to date a guy who doesn't think about himself
in the ways he should be thinking about himself... Constructively... 

WHAT IS IT ABOUT WHAT I AM DOING THAT'S P*SSING HER OFF?
WHAT AM I NOT DOING THAT I SHOULD BE DOING?
SHOULD I BE LISTENING TO HER?
SHOULD I CARE ABOUT WHAT SHE'S SAYING?
MAYBE SHE'S P*SSED OFF FOR A REASON?
MAYBE I CAN FIGURE IT OUT BY THE THINGS SHE'S SAYING...
BUT I WON'T KNOW THAT UNLESS I HEAR IT FROM HER!

COMMUNICATION IS IMPORTANT, BUT IT'S NOT EVERYTHING. 
COMMUNICATING TO PEOPLE WHO DON'T LISTEN IS POINTLESS.
COMMUNICATING TO PEOPLE WHO DON'T THINK IS POINTLESS.

I COULD LITERALLY WRITE UNTIL MY FINGERS FELL OFF.... 
IF NOBODY READS IT, WILL THEY UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M WRITING?
OR WILL MY WORDS JUST BE WORDS ON A SCREEN?

All my words when I tried telling "partners" how I felt about how they treated me... 
WERE FOR WHAT IF NOTHING CHANGED? EVER?

Shouldn't I be happier doing it on my own, making changes for the better?
IF NOTHING WOULD HAVE CHANGED IF I HAD STAYED?
WHAT WAS I STAYING FOR? FOR THE SAME BS?
TO HAVE TO FKN DO EVERYTHING ON MY OWN ANYWAY?
WHILE BEING "IN A RELATIONSHIP"?

IF I HAD TO ANYWAY WHAT DIFFERENCE WOULD IT REALLY MAKE?

Having to do everything on my own WHILE IN A RELATIONSHIP p*sses me off. 
BECAUSE I SHOULDN'T FKN HAVE TO!!!!!! I SAID IT!!!!! HEAR ME?????

That is ONE major reason why a lot of females just choose to be alone. 
Easier to just do everything like you would have to anyway, 
without being in a relationship that expected too much from you anyway. 

And someone was trying to talk me into thinking about relationships again. 
Because that's what he is looking for. I told him that I am not. 
It's not me trying to play HARD TO GET. It's me being CONTENT SINGLE. 

SOME FEMALES DO NOT WANT TO HAVE A 'MATE.' NOT ANYMORE. 

Because when they wanted something very simple and easy.... It fkn wasn't!
Blindsided into trusting someone who couldn't be trusted!

They get clear on what they want and realize that it's very rare. 

Because of the mentality of MOST guys. 

And most guys think all girls have the SAME mentality! They don't!
BUT THEY OVERLOOK/UNDERESTIMATE/ASSUME SO MUCH
THAT THEY DON'T MEET THOSE TYPES OF GIRLS WHO DON'T.

AND WHEN THEY DO MEET THEM...
THEY DON'T KNOW WTF TO DO WITH THEM.

AND THAT IRRITATES THEM SO MUCH
THAT THEY'D RATHER BE ALONE. 

Being alone is way less hassle.

The guy was trying to tell me... 
"What about romance?" What about it?

Romance is dead because passion is dead, period. 
The things that come to my mind about it...

1) How can anyone who never took the time to really know me be passionate about me?
2) If anyone had ever wanted to be romantic, for real, they would have been.
3) It wouldn't have been just me trying all the fkn time.

And the approach matters. Timing is a thing. 
Like if I'm approached at a specific time, I probably won't want to. 

And it matters who I'm approached by. I don't really want to be with a guy if:

1) He's old enough to be my father (My mother or stepfather's age).
2) It doesn't fkn matter if he is rich, that's not for me.

My neighbor was telling me that he was in his 20s in the 1990s. 
I was in the second and third grades in the 1990s....

If you were an adult when I was still a kid... YOU ARE TOO OLD FOR ME.
AND SHOULDN'T BE LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT.
EVEN THOUGH I AM AN ADULT NOW.

I'd be NO FK DIFFERENT....
THAN IF I WERE TO LOOK AT YOUNGER GUYS AT MY AGE.

1) What would be the point in that? Just s*x? 
2) Do they have enough experience in life for something serious?

I'll tell you something wild I learned while researching for my book... 
Back before Canada lowered the voting age to 18, it was at 21. 
The only exception was for the military.
Because more than half of the military personnel were under the age of 21. 
MORE THAN HALF. UNDER THE AGE OF 21. DYING FOR CANADA.

Is that wild or what?

Anyway, as I was saying.... The girls who ARE that type who act like that....
That have the habits that p*ss guys off, like always wanting to spend money...
Or always wanting this or that.... That's a mentality....

A mentality like the mentality of guys not listening, even when a woman is upset. 

There's a difference between being upset for no reason and for a reason. 

If I have a reason to be upset and you REFUSE to just listen? That's ignorant. 
Being ignorant toward me when I would listen to your reason for being upset with me...
That p*sses me off even more than when I was already upset about something else. 

When frustration could have been kept at frustration, but it escalates due to ignorance...
That's when women get ANGRY. 

And it's usually about: "I just wanted you to fkn act right by listening."
And when you can have a REAL conversation with a woman about why she was upset....
THAT SHOWS THAT YOU REALLY UNDERSTAND WHY SHE WAS UPSET....
THAT SHOWS MATURITY! IT SHOWS ACCOUNTABILITY!
IT SHOWS THE WILLINGNESS TO LISTEN!
IT SHOWS YOU HEARD HER!
IT SHOWS YOU CARE ENOUGH TO WANT TO UNDERSTAND!
FROM HER POINT OF VIEW!
FKN RARE @SS SH*T!
THAT WOULD BLOW HER FKN MIND!

But the same goes for guys, too. 
Guys get frustrated, too. 

Both sides need to know they can't just have everything their way all the time. 

I never wanted everything my way all the time. 

Acting right toward me isn't about having my way. 
It's about fkn having the decency to be fkn decent to me.

BECAUSE I AM HAPPY WHEN PEOPLE ARE DECENT TO ME!
CAN I REALLY WANT THE STARS AND THE MOON? FK NO!
BUT CAN YOU OR CAN YOU NOT BE DECENT TO ME?
AS A FKN PERSON? AT THE VERY LEAST?

AND CAN I AT LEAST WANT THAT?

BECAUSE YOU WANT AT LEAST THAT FROM ME, RIGHT?
FOR ME TO BE DECENT TO YOU, RIGHT?
SO BE FKN DECENT TO ME, OKAY?
ACT RIGHT TOWARD ME, BE DECENT.
BASIC RESPECT, PLEASE.

SHOULD NOT EVEN BE HARD TO DO!

Decent people don't have a hard time being decent. 

Anyway.... You get what I'm saying. 
Decency shouldn't be a rarity. 
It should be a basic. 
A requirement.

Anyway, but decency.... Is a mentality. 

A decent mentality.... Produces what? A decent personality!
A person with a decent personality, with decent traits, becomes a decent person!
WHO ACTS WITH DECENCY! TOWARD OTHERS!
EVEN IF AND ESPECIALLY WHEN....
THEY DON'T EVEN WANT ANYTHING WITH/FROM YOU!
BECAUSE THEY ARE JUST....
A DECENT PERSON!

The m*rder that happened just yesterday, on Rideau street... 
A guy in a wheelchair was st@bbed, and died. 

The guy who st@bbed him was 70 years old. 

IF HE HAD DECADES TO REALIZE SOME THINGS, WHY DIDN'T HE?
COULD WE HAVE HOPED THAT BY THE TIME THE GUY WAS 70...
THAT HE COULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT DECENCY?
AND THE DECENT THING TO DO....
WOULD HAVE BEEN NOT TO ST@B THE GUY IN THE WHEELCHAIR?

Lots of time to think, in jail, now. where he'll likely die. 
People don't like people who st@b people in wheelchairs, in jail. 
Or outside of jail. 

They won't care that he's 70 years old. 
Because he didn't care that the guy he st@bbed was in a wheelchair. 
People do not like that. 

Lots of time to think about a lot of things. Like decency.

I wish I had a lot more decency in my life. 
I wish I had BEEN MORE DECENT IN MY LIFE. 
I WISH I HAD THE DECENCY TO DO SOME THINGS. 
AND THE DECENCY NOT TO HAVE DONE SOME THINGS.

I WASN'T THINKING ABOUT DECENCY. WHO DOES?
DO THE DECENT PEOPLE EVEN THINK ABOUT DECENCY?
OR ARE THEY TOO BUSY JUST BEING DECENT TO THINK ABOUT IT?

If my ex had the decency not to punch me in the head....
If mirror smasher had the decency not to smash my mirror.... 
If anyone who did the things they did that affected me... In any way... 
Had the decency not to do those things... 
COULD I HAVE BEEN BETTER OFF FOR IT? IN ANY WAY?
BUT THERE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ANY HARDSHIPS TO THINK ABOUT.

Yes, it was just a punch in the head... Or just a busted mirror... Or just this or just that.
Sure it was just "something."
Underneath it, there's more there because those things say things. 

"They weren't thinking of you, yet again." Could have thought of me, but didn't.

Was the guy who st@bbed the guy in the wheelchair thinking of the guy in the wheelchair?
What it would have been like for him, in a wheelchair, getting st@bbed?
Did he think about that? Or was he thinking about st@bbing the guy?

The decent thing to do would have been not to st@b the guy. 
Not just because he was in a wheelchair, but especially because of that. 

Not that people should get passes for everything just because they are in a wheelchair. 
People in wheelchairs can be decent too. 

But I'm saying the decent thing to do would have been not to st@b him or anyone. 
How many times do we think: What's the decent thing to do?
Or: What's the decent thing not to do?

What would be decent of me NOT TO DO?

IT WOULD BE DECENT OF ME NOT TO PUNCH MY GF IN THE HEAD.
NOT TO ST@B THE GUY IN THE WHEELCHAIR...
NOT TO ST@B ANYONE. 
NOT TO SH00T ANYONE.
NOT TO ATTACK ANYONE. 
NOT TO CAUSE SOMEONE'S DEATH. 
UNLESS I AM PROTECTING MYSELF OR SOMEONE ELSE.
NOT TO ASSUME YOU ARE BEING ATTACKED AND ATTACK FIRST.

Not to do a bunch of things. Would be decent. 

Do people think about decency? Could they?
If they could, why don't they?

BECAUSE IT WOULD BE DECENT TO THINK ABOUT DECENCY!

Boner For Intelligence

Today was refreshing for me. 
Do you know that feeling when you can just talk
about something? And it just flows nicely?
It was like that, with depth. 
That's what I like. A lot. 
Intelligence. 
Refreshing. 
It's just nice to be able to talk. 

And that feeling, I realized... 
Is a boner for intelligence. 

It's good to call that what it is.
So that it can only be what it is. 

I know what I want and what I don't. 
Been there. Done that too many times. 

It was just too funny to me that I had to write it:
"Boner for intelligence."

It's that I KNOW I don't want to "date" right now. 
It's not of interest. I'm writing a book. Don't have the time. 
Would be cool if I had someone to WRITE with, 
TALK with, and play BACKGAMMON with regularly, 
But apart from that, I'm good with where I'm at. 

Without thinking of "relationships" or whatever else. 
Of it, or about it... 
Besides, I'd rather have a non-traditional type of "relationship," if any.

Because the type of partnership I would want and require at this point
Isn't something I could go on a dating app and find. Y'know?

Sure, it's not hard to find someone who wants to screw around. 
And if that's all that I wanted, it wouldn't be hard to find. 

I could be out there, being a cougar lol,
because I still look younger than I am. 

When anyone sees me with my son, they seem shocked. He's 23.
They think I don't look old enough to be his mom, but I am. 

Just that when you get to have a conversation that is deeper
than all the surface-level bullshit, about society, about life, 
about the possibilities, potentials about the future... 

And it's been a while, and it was nice, just to have that... 
When that shouldn't have been too much to ask for. 
Ever. Just a stimulating convo. 

I like talking with people who think about things. 
Talking with them, it shows they think about things. 
And they can articulate the things they think about... 
And they listen. To listen. Not just to respond. 
But they do respond. Because they HEARD WHAT YOU SAID.
BECAUSE THEY WERE LISTENING. 
TO YOU. 

Those are the conversations that I like having.
And maybe I like having them a bit too much
that I get a "boner for intelligence." Hahaha. 

I know that it's about that, not about anyone. 
How could it be about anyone? Who do I even truly know anymore?
PEOPLE I THOUGHT I KNEW?
PEOPLE WHO LIED TO MY FACE?
So how could it be about anyone... 

I have acquaintances, sure, and I can happily leave it at that. 
I don't have to get too acquainted with anyone
And it's generally a good idea not to do that. 
I've been shown why so many times!

DO I NEED TO BE SHOWN AGAIN?!

But people are allowed to impress me if they want. 
With their intelligence. 
At the same time, I care more about impressing myself
than I care about anyone trying to impress me. 

Just was saying I don't care for any disappointments. 
From jerk... From anyone.

I'd be disappointing myself if I didn't work on my goals right now.
Because I put so much time and energy into things that went nowhere.
If I had been putting it into something else... 
Like I was doing before my last relationship... 
Where could I be right now?

I don't like being 42 and starting at zero, again, ffs. 

All for wanting something f*cking elusive ffs.
I COULD HAVE BEEN DOING OTHER THINGS
AND I WASTED MY OWN TIME BY NOT DOING THEM.
I DO NOT LIKE WASTING TIME.
YOU CAN'T GET IT BACK. 
IT'S GONE. 

I can't go back to my 20s or 30s. And have that time to do it. 
That time to do it has passed. 

I had 2 decades to work towards professional goals. 
BUT WHAT DID I DO?
ALL I WANTED WAS F*CKING RESPECT!
HAD I FOCUSED ON PROFESSIONAL GOALS...

Where would I be? Right now? Here? Starving?
With a bleak future on f*cking repeat month after month?

I've wanted better for myself than this for years and years. 
That's what I have some plans, but I can't sit on them. 
Not anymore.