About Rejection

Rejection used to sting. It did.

Because I used to think:
If I am authentic and honest...
Things should just be organic.

"If I come from an honest place...
I shouldn't have these conflicts."

Stuff like this... I used to think.

But.... I wasn't counting on....
People to intentionally sabotage things
between us.

Wasn't counting on people to misjudge me...
Or to be taken for granted, constantly.

Or to be put through certain things.

Wasn't counting on any of that crap.

So? Did I factor any of that in?
INTO HOW I WAS MOVING?

NO! I DIDN'T.

A lot of things I didn't factor in:

1) Sometimes people refuse to understand things
2) Sometimes they can't understand some things
3) Sometimes they won't understand some things
4) Sometimes they don't want to understand some things
5) Sometimes they think you don't understand some things
6) Sometimes they think they can treat you like you don't understand some things....

MORE THINGS TO FACTOR IN....
TO HOW YOU OPERATE...

WITH THESE TYPES OF PEOPLE...
NO MATTER WHAT "RACE" THEY ARE.

PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE.
PEOPLE ARE?????

HUMANS.

HUMAN "RACE." OKAY? COOL.

SO? I WRITE ABOUT SOME THINGS....
THAT PEOPLE... CAN THINK..... ABOUT.

AND THESE ARE SOME OF THE THINGS
THAT I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT.

BECAUSE I HAD TO????
GIVE MYSELF THINGS TO THINK ABOUT.

OR???? I'D BE THINKING ABOUT???

THE THINGS I USED TO THINK ABOUT!

AND THOSE THINGS????
SURE, WORTH THINKING ABOUT....
IN SOME WAYS, 
BUT? NOT IN OTHER WAYS.

PRETTY MUCH THAT.

HOW COULD I THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS...
WHEN I WAS TOO BUSY THINKING ABOUT????

OTHER THINGS!!!!!!!!

YOU KNOW ONE THING PEOPLE TRY TO GET FROM ME?
PEACE OF MIND.

BUT? I'M NOT OBLIGATED TO GIVE THEM THAT.

THE MORE PEOPLE PLAY....
THE MORE THEY FIND OUT THAT THEY SHOULDN'T!

AND I DON'T HAVE TO TEACH THEM THAT.
"LIFE" CAN HUMBLE SOMEONE...
FAR BETTER....
THAN I COULD.

THAT'S WHY.... WHEN THEY TRY TO HUMBLE ME....
"LIFE" ALREADY HAS.
SO I KNOW WHAT IT CAN DO.
TO ANYONE.
AT ANY TIME.

ESPECIALLY... WHEN THEY DON'T FACTOR SOMETHING IN.
INTO THE "EQUATION."

AND? I CAN SUBTRACT... FROM THE EQUATION.
BECAUSE IT IS MUCH MY EQUATION
AS IT IS THEIRS.

BOTH STANDING AT THAT CHALKBOARD.
IN THE "CLASS OF LIFE."

LESSONS ON THE BOARD.
CHALK IN OUR HANDS.

IF I REACH THE SUM BEFORE YOU....
IT'S BECAUSE I HAD TO THINK FAST.

BECAUSE? TIME AND LIFE
DOESN'T WAIT FOR US.

CLASS IS ONLY SO LONG.
NOT A FULL DAY.

8 HOURS/ DAY.
AT LEAST IN CANADA IT IS.

AND WHAT ARE WE GIVEN IN THOSE 8 HOURS?
INFORMATION?

TO DO SOMETHING WITH? YEAH?

WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING WITH IT?
THINKING ABOUT IT!

DO THEY TELL US WHAT TO THINK ABOUT IT?
OR DO THEY JUST PRESENT IT TO US?

AND IF WE ARE TOLD WHAT TO THINK ABOUT IT?
WHY?

BECAUSE WE DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK ABOUT IT?
OR WHAT WE COULD THINK ABOUT IT?

SO THEN? DOES IT MATTER HOW IT IS PRESENTED?

TO BE MORE "USEFUL" AND "RETAINABLE"?

IT IS ATTAINABLE!

AND? SOME ADDITIONS WE CAN MAKE TO IT...
OURSELVES.... CAN WHAT????

CAN MAKE IT MORE USEFUL!

THAT IS THE POINT OF THINKING ABOUT IT!

BUT... THE THINGS I THINK ABOUT?
CAN I ARTICULATE THEM IN WAYS EVERYONE CAN
FULLY UNDERSTAND, ALL THE TIME?

NO!

I DON'T HAVE "THE PERFECT WAY"
TO ARTICULATE.... EVERYTHING... I THINK ABOUT.

I COULD.... ATTEMPT TO.... IN WRITING...
BUT HOW WELL.... DOES IT TRANSLATE? WELL?

BECAUSE? WHEN I TRY TO TELL PEOPLE SOME THINGS....
THEY ONLY TEND TO LOOK AT CERTAIN THINGS...
AND THE THINGS THEY LOOK AT...
HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH....
WHAT I WAS TRYING TO TELL THEM. 

"CAN'T SEE PAST THEIR NOSE."
EVER HEARD OF THAT TERM?

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS....
WHEN PEOPLE LOOK DOWN THEIR NOSES
AT PEOPLE.

HEARD THAT TERM, TOO?

SO THEN? IF THEY CAN'T LOOK PAST THEIR NOSES...
WHAT ARE THEY SEEING?

VERY NARROW SCOPE.
IF ANY SCOPE AT ALL. RIGHT?

HOW CAN THEY TRULY SEE SOMEONE
IF THEY ARE TOO BUSY....
LOOKING DOWN THEIR NOSE AT THEM?

THE KIND OF LIFE I'VE LIVED...
WAS LIKE CONSTANTLY BEING "BOYCOTTED."

EVEN BY FAMILY.

FOR WHAT? THAT'S WHAT I DIDN'T KNOW!

FOR A LONG TIME.... I THOUGHT I WANTED TO KNOW WHY....
LIKE ALL THEIR EXCUSES WERE SUPPOSED TO
"MAKE SENSE" TO ME
AND I WAS "SUPPOSED" TO....
JUST ACCEPT THOSE
OVER FACTS.

AND THEN..... I REALIZED.....
"DO I HAVE TO KNOW WHY TO XYZ?"

ACTUALLY, THAT WAS THROUGH A CONVO I HAD.
ABOUT SOMETHING SAD AND TRUE
ABOUT MY CHILDHOOD.

AND ABOUT A FALSE BELIEF I HAD
AS A CHILD.

AND HOW AN ADULT I TRUST IN MY LIFE...
DISCOVERED WHY I HAD THAT FALSE BELIEF.

BECAUSE OF HOW I WAS ACTING.

AND WHEN SHE EXPLAINED IT TO ME....
KNOWING WHY I THOUGHT THAT...
HELPED ME TO STOP...
ACTING LIKE THAT...

TOWARD HER.

I HAD TO LEARN THAT I HAD BAD CONDITIONING.
AND MY THOUGHTS AS A KID...
LED ME TO BELIEVE SOME THINGS
THAT WEREN'T TRUE.

THE EXAMPLE WAS.... THAT I LOVED HER AS A KID...
STILL DO.

I THOUGHT THAT SHOWING HER LOVE MEANT XYZ...
"THE WAY" I THOUGHT I WAS BEING SHOWN LOVE...

WHICH WASN'T LOVE AT ALL.

REJECTION IS ACTUALLY A TOOL.
TO REJECT PAST BELIEFS.

PAST BELIEFS THAT ARE FALSE.

THE WRONG THINGS WE WERE TAUGHT....
IN THE WRONG WAYS...
FOR THE WRONG REASONS...

COOL? WE CAN ACTUALLY REJECT THAT.
ALL OF IT.

AND THEN? WHAT DO WE DO?
WE ACCEPT THE FACTS.
LOOKING AT STUFF MORE SUBJECTIVELY....
THAN.... OBJECTIVELY.

BECAUSE? THERE ARE MANY........????
WAYS TO LOOK AT THINGS.

MANY! RIGHT?

NOT JUST???????
THE SAME WAY??????
THAT YOU ALWAYS HAVE????
AND GOT USED TO USING????
PRIMARILY?????

YEAH????

YES, I VENT SOMETIMES.
PROBABLY MORE OFTEN THAN I SHOULD.

LONGER THAN I SHOULD.

It seems to take a while to wrap something around my mind....
Especially something I don't feel good about
that isn't supposed to feel good...

Because I know how it feels, and it's not comfortable to "sit with."
So I can procrastinate thinking about it...
Because it's unpleasant.

But processing it through writing means that I am kind of "sitting with it"
IN A WAY....
I can read it later and relate to it in the way that only I can...
Because I was the one who experienced it.
And I know exactly how I felt and why.

Whether I articulate it as well as I would have liked to, or not....

And then I get to reconsider it in that moment.
And think about it from other perspectives I might have gained...
Since I wrote it.

Does that make sense?

I'm glad I'm writing about this today... Actually.
I'm in a decent mood.

THINK OF A PRISM. YOU KNOW THOSE THINGS?
THAT REFLECTS LIGHT?

THAT LIGHT IS USUALLY RAINBOWS...
BECAUSE IT IS REFRACTED LIGHT.

REFRACTED IS THE KEY TERM. 

1) What is the light composed of?
2) What is the definition of refracted?

3) WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THE PRISM?

4) As a METAPHOR.... WHY DO YOU THINK
THESE QUESTIONS MATTER?

5) WHAT ARE SOME THINGS YOU THINK
THAT YOU CAN DO WITH THESE ANSWERS?

That's just a START of some of the things I think about....
AND HOW I CHANGED THE WAY I THOUGHT.


1..... WHAT IS LIGHT COMPOSED OF? ENERGY!

2..... REFRACTED.... 

Refraction: THE BENDING.... OR CHANGING
OF DIRECTION....
OF A WAVE.

(LIGHT, SOUND, WATER).

WHEN???? WHEN IT PASSES!
FROM???? 
ONE MEDIUM....
TO ANOTHER!

HOW CAN INFO PASS?
AS ENERGY?

ENERGY CAN PASS THROUGH?
LIGHT, SOUND, AND WATER.

TO? ANOTHER?
MEDIUM.

BENDING OR CHANGING WHAT?
DIRECTION!

3...... THE PRISM....
ACTUALLY.... SEPARATES....
THE LIGHT....
INTO.....
SEPARATE WAVELENGTHS.

EACH WAVELENGTH... 
IS REPRESENTED....
BY ITS OWN.... COLOR....
OF THE RAINBOW.

BECAUSE? EACH COLOR...
BENDS.... AT?
DIFFERENT?
ANGLES!

SO THEN? AREN'T THERE?
DIFFERENT ANGLES?

YES?
IMPORTANT!

THE PRISM'S PURPOSE....
METAPHORICALLY... 

IS WHAT? THE PRISM REPRESENTS....?
BENDING LIGHT AT DIFFERENT ANGLES IS?
REPRESENTS WHAT?

THE POWER YOU HAVE TO WHAT?
CONSIDER! TO THINK ABOUT THINGS!

COOL?

4.... AS A METAPHOR.....
WHY DO THESE ANSWERS MATTER?

BECAUSE.... IT IS SOMETHING...
YOU CAN REFRACT.

WHAT I ALWAYS FOUND COOL ABOUT PRISMS....
THEY CAN PROJECT AND REFLECT....
AND REFRACT.

5....... I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT TO THINK
ABOUT WHAT YOU CAN DO WITH THESE ANSWERS.

BUT... YOU CAN.... THINK ABOUT IT. RIGHT?
JUST.... SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT.

THAT'S ALL ANY OF THIS IS.

BECAUSE.... I USED TO THINK ABOUT
A LOT OF THE SAME THINGS. FOR A LONG TIME.
AND EVEN STILL I OFTEN FORGET
THAT THERE ARE MANY MORE WAYS TO LOOK AT THINGS
THAN HOW I LOOKED AT THINGS
IN MY YOUTH.

THAT'S WHY.... I STILL GET TEMPTED
TO LOOK AT THINGS IN THE WAYS THAT I'VE BEEN USED TO
LOOKING AT THINGS.... FOR SO LONG.

IT IS EASY TO BE TEMPTED TO DO THAT. VERY.

COMBINED WITH THE TEMPTATION TO RUMINATE ON IT.

ANOTHER EASY TEMPTATION.

HARDER TO REMEMBER CERTAIN THINGS
THAT ACTUALLY HELP YOU TO LOOK AT THINGS
IN ANOTHER WAY.

EVEN WHEN YOU KNOW OF THESE CERTAIN THINGS
THAT ACTUALLY HELP YOU TO LOOK AT THINGS
IN ANOTHER WAY!

RIGHT?

WHAT ONE WINS MORE EASILY?
THE EASIER THING.

BUT? EASIER DOESN'T MEAN BETTER.

JUST MEANS? EASIER.

"REJECTION IS TO DIVIDE US."
A FRIEND TOLD ME THIS.

"ACCEPTANCE IS TO UNITE US."

IT'S NOT THAT I WANTED TO REJECT HIM.... AS A PERSON.
IT WAS NOT ABOUT HIM AS A PERSON.
IF IT WAS, I WOULDN'T HAVE DEALT WITH HIM LIKE THAT.

TO ME, THIS WAS NOT "PERSONAL."

BECAUSE... HE IS... WHO HE IS... AT HIS OWN?
WAVE-LENGTH.
WHATEVER "COLOR" OF ENERGY HE IS AT.

KIND OF LIKE HOW AND WHY WE HAVE AURAS.
I CAN'T SEE AURAS... SOME CAN.

MY SON USED TO. HE TOLD ME ABOUT THIS ONCE.
SO I ASKED HIM: "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS BEFORE?"
HE SAID: "I THOUGHT EVERYONE COULD SEE THEM."

ANYWAY....

IT WAS THAT I HAD TO REFRACT.
SOME THINGS.

SOMETIMES THAT IS WHAT I USE VENTING FOR.
FOR.... REFRACTION.

BECAUSE WE CAN LOOK AT THINGS.... FROM?
OTHER? ANGLES.

SNELL'S LAW. 
APPLIED.... METAPHORICALLY.
NOT.... MATHEMATICALLY.

MATH PRINCIPLES CAN BE USED IN OTHER WAYS.
NOT JUST MATHEMATICALLY....

METAPHORICALLY!

METAPHORICALLY SPEAKING....

SEE WHAT I DID THERE? 

ANYWAY.... I GOTTA GO BUY A LIGHTER....
BECAUSE MINE JUST DIED.

When People Get Tired...

When people get tired.... THEY REST.

THERE IS A TIME TO REST.
AND A TIME NOT TO.

WHILE YOU ARE RESTING...
YOU CAN DO SOME OTHER THINGS.

1) YOU HAVE.... THE ENERGY TO DO IT
2) YOU HAVE... THE SPACE TO DO IT.
3) AND THE REASONS TO DO IT.

THOSE THINGS.

I DON'T TALK ABOUT THOSE THINGS.

I MOSTLY JUST DO THOSE THINGS.
BECAUSE THOSE THINGS ARE THINGS
THAT I DO FOR MYSELF.

WHEN WE DO SOME THINGS... WE GET SOME THINGS.

AND IT ISN'T ABOUT THE GETTING....
IT'S ABOUT THE DOING.

THAT'S HOW TO GET THOSE THINGS.

THREE REASONS I DON'T TALK ABOUT IT....
1) STILL NEW TO DOING IT
2) NOT USED TO TALKING ABOUT IT
3) GETTING USED TO XYZ

COOL?

NOT THAT THEY ARE SECRET THINGS.

WOULD YOU WANT TO HEAR ABOUT
SOMEONE LEARNING TO USE
TRAINING WHEELS?

I DIDN'T THINK SO!

NOT EXACTLY INTERESTING.
NOT THAT VENTING'S ALL THAT INTERESTING, EITHER.

At least I got off a topic for a night? Yeah?

"A***'S LEARNING THINGS... AGAIN."

YEAH? SO CAN EVERYONE. ACTUALLY.

BUT? "WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

WELP, MAYBE I CAN'T EVEN ARTICULATE MYSELF
IN THE WAYS I WISH I COULD....

MAYBE.... WHAT I HAD TO SAY.....
MIGHT.... MAKE MORE SENSE.... IF I COULD. EH?

SO THEN? IF THEY CAN'T UNDERSTAND THAT?
WILL THEY UNDERSTAND THE THINGS THAT I CAN
ARTICULATE?

ONLY IF I ARTICULATE THOSE THINGS
IN A WAY THAT THEY UNDERSTAND.

THAT'S ALL.

A LONG TIME AGO.... I DATED SOMEONE....
WHO JUMPED INTO A RELATIONSHIP...
WITH SOMEONE...
AS SOON AS WE BROKE UP.

JUST TO TRY TO MAKE ME "JEALOUS."
BUT IT DIDN'T WORK.

BECAUSE I WASN'T.
BECAUSE I ALREADY SAW HOW HE ACTS.

I SAW THAT HE WAS TRYING TO EMOTIONALLY
MANIPULATE ME.... 
BY TRYING TO MAKE ME "JEALOUS."

I ALSO KNEW THAT HE LIES.
BECAUSE HE LIED TO ME.

I'LL TELL YOU THE STORY:

HUGE RED FLAG BTW.... READY?

HE SOMEHOW GOT INTO MY EMAILS...
WANTED TO CONFRONT ME ABOUT A VERY OLD EMAIL
FROM SOMEONE I KNEW BEFORE I MET MY EX.

BUT? HE DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO!

BECAUSE? HE INVADED MY PRIVACY!

SO? HE MADE UP A STORY...
THAT HE WAS GETTING EMAILS FROM THE DUDE
THAT I LIKE WENT ON ONE DATE WITH...
WHO I WASN'T EVEN IN CONTACT WITH ANY MORE...

AT FIRST I BELIEVED HIM!
HE HADN'T LIED TO ME BEFORE!
WHY WOULD HE LIE TO ME? RIGHT?

HE EVENTUALLY CONFESSED THAT HE DIDN'T
GET THE EMAIL FROM THAT GUY.

HE WANTED TO CONFRONT ME ABOUT SOMETHING
IN MY EMAILS FROM LIKE YEARS BEFORE
I MET THE GUY.

THE GUY I WAS? DATING!
WHO? READ MY EMAILS!
AND? LIED TO ME ABOUT IT!

AND THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THAT.
IT DID END BADLY. 

AND HE WASN'T LISTENING. EITHER.

WANTED TO FIND WHOEVER.
WANTED TO DO THAT.

I SAID OKAY. GO DO THAT. 
HAVE FUN.

LIE TO HER.

AND THAT'S A RELATIONSHIP
BEFORE HEAD PUNCHER EVEN.

MAYBE AROUND 2012?

IT WAS BECAUSE HE WAS JEALOUS OF ONE OF MY FRIENDS.
AND HE DIDN'T TRUST ME.

AND I SAID WELP....
CAN'T BE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T TRUST ME.

PRETTY MUCH, THAT'S HOW THAT WENT.

AND HE GOT MAD ABOUT IT.

INSTEAD OF UNDERSTANDING THAT
AND WHY THAT WAS.

BUT THAT'S OKAY.

AND BECAUSE HE WAS JEALOUS OF MY FRIEND
HE WENT AND GOT WITH SOME CHICK VERY QUICKLY.

BUT I ALREADY SAW HOW HE ACTS.

I REMEMBER HOW TRYING TO COMMUNICATE WITH HIM
WAS LIKE FOR ME....

I'D EXPLAIN ONE THING TO HIM..... IN LIKE 5 DIFFERENT WAYS.
BECAUSE EACH TIME, HE DIDN'T GET IT.

AND HE WOULD GET MAD AND ACCUSE ME OF LYING...
"YOUR STORY KEEPS CHANGING."

No, the way I was trying to explain THE SAME THING TO YOU....
CHANGED.

THAT'S IT. 

THAT'S WHAT IT WAS LIKE.

I HAD TO DEAL WITH THIS.

SO WHEN I STARTED SPENDING TIME WITH MY FRIEND
WHO I GOT ALONG WITH AND COULD TALK WITH...
HE GOT JEALOUS.
EVEN THOUGH MY FRIEND WAS ONLY MY FRIEND.
MY BOYFRIEND THOUGHT IT WAS MORE. 
HE DIDN'T WANT TO LISTEN. 
SO I ENDED IT. 

HE WAS MAD ABOUT IT. 

WE WEREN'T ON THE SAME PAGE IN A LOT OF WAYS.
IT JUST... WASN'T GOING TO WORK OUT.

AND IT DIDN'T.

Anyway... A lot of it actually has to do with communication. 

IF A PERSON DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE WELL...
COMMUNICATION WITH THAT PERSON IS NOT GOING TO GO WELL.

I LEARNED THIS FROM TRYING TO COMMUNICATE WITH PEOPLE
WHO SHOULD HAVE KNOWN HOW TO COMMUNICATE.

WAS VERY DIFFICULT. I THINK IT WAS INTENTIONAL.
BECAUSE TALKING SHOULDN'T BE HARD!

SO IT WAS VERY RARE FOR ME TO JUST BE ABLE TO
FLAT OUT COMMUNICATE.

THAT'S WHY WE HAVE WRITING!

Maybe that's why I vent so much! 
All the things I wish I could have just communicated! FFS!

WHY XYZ BOTHERS ME.
BECAUSE? IT MIGHT ALSO BOTHER OTHER PEOPLE...
FOR THE SAME REASON....

AND THEN YOU CAN UNDERSTAND THAT PERSON....
A LITTLE BETTER!

NOT THAT ALL FEMALES ARE THE SAME OR ANYTHING! LOL!

WHEN PEOPLE WANT TO WIN ARGUMENTS
VS
PEOPLE WHO'D RATHER DISCUSS STUFF...

TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

Just been tired of seeing a lot of the things I have been seeing.
LATELY. RECENTLY.

JUST IN COMMUNICATION....
JUST THAT.

IF WE COULD START WITH....
IMPROVING THAT.... THAT.... WOULD BE COOL!

IT WOULD MAKE THINGS MUCH BETTER!

MUCH EASIER and MUCH BETTER!

Anyway... Communication's been a big issue.
A key one.

An important one... 

For many reasons... 

NOT JUST BECAUSE I WANTED THAT.

"A*** wants something? Better not give it to her."
HONEST COMMUNICATION.

YEAH... I THINK IT WAS AROUND 2012 OR SO...

THAT I DATED THAT GUY.

WE DIDN'T HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.

ANYWAY, THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO!
14 YEARS AGO! 

I THINK THAT WAS BEFORE THE 12-YEAR DISCARD.
BACK THEN, I DRANK A LOT.

FROM 2010.... TO 2014.... I DRANK A LOT!
MORE THAN I DRANK BEFORE 2010.

BUT... OF COURSE, BLAME THAT.

NOT THAT I GOT TO COMMUNICATE...

BUT YES, I WAS PRETTY ANGRY, TOO.
MORE SO BECAUSE NOBODY UNDERSTOOD
WHY I WOULD BE.
EVEN THOUGH THEY WOULD BE.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE "TOXIC"
FOR HIM GETTING WITH HER? RIGHT?

WHY WOULD I BE?
I LET THAT HAPPEN.
AND? MOVED ON.

HE KINDA STALKED ME FOR A BIT
AFTER WE BROKE UP.
EVEN THOUGH HE WAS WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

WHICH WAS WEIRD.

I KNEW HE WAS WITH HER.
BECAUSE HE WAS TRYING TO BAIT ME
INTO REACTING TO HIS "NEW RELATIONSHIP"
AND IT WAS REALLY OBVIOUS HE WAS TRYING TO DO IT.

IT WAS VERY RIDICULOUS.
THAT HE EVEN TRIED TO DO THAT.

I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE THE CHICK
HE WAS TRYING TO USE TO "MAKE ME" "JEALOUS."

JUST BE WITH HER FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.
IF NOT, WHY DO IT?

NOT THAT I CARED WHAT HE DID....
AFTER WE BROKE UP.
THAT WAS HIS BUSINESS.

IT WAS AFTER THAT... THAT I THOUGHT ABOUT
12-YEAR DISCARD....

BECAUSE I THOUGHT:
DECENT GUY....
FROM WHAT I HAD REMEMBERED....
HONEST...
FROM WHAT I HAD REMEMBERED...

SO I THOUGHT:
MAYBE...
WE COULD....
COMMUNICATE....
BETTER!

MAYBE... IT WOULD BE...
EASIER.

MAYBE... I'D BE HAPPIER...

BUT? 

THAT'S OKAY.

WASN'T WHAT I THOUGHT, EITHER.

LOTS OF THINGS WERE NOT
WHAT I THOUGHT THEY WERE!

THAT'S OKAY.

Evaluations

I don't make the adjustments I make....
Just to make them.

I KNOW THAT ONE THING PEOPLE LIKE TO HAVE
IS LEVERAGE.

I KNOW WHAT MINE IS.

MINE IS KNOWING HOW I COULD OPERATE.
BECAUSE I COULD HAVE OPERATED LIKE THAT, INITIALLY.

I DON'T, TYPICALLY, BECAUSE I KNOW BETTER THAN THAT.
BECAUSE I KNOW WHY I SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN THAT.

WHETHER SOMEONE ELSE KNOWS BETTER THAN THAT....
ISN'T UP TO ME TO DECIDE OR ASSUME.

I used to assume it because if I knew better...
I THOUGHT THEY DID, TOO.

AND HERE IS SOMETHING:
IT IS EASY TO THINK ALL KINDS OF THINGS!

ESPECIALLY THE THINGS WE ARE TOLD TO.

BY THE SPIDERS THAT TELL US.

BECAUSE? THE VIBRATIONS ARE FROM THINGS
THEY CATCH.
FROM US.

FROM HOW WE MOVE.

HOW WE MOVE DETERMINES?

SOME THINGS. BUT IT'S FOR YOU TO KNOW THOSE.
I CAN'T EXPLAIN ALL OF IT.

I COULD EXPLAIN SOME STUFF.

BUT SOME STUFF IS... FOR PEOPLE TO KNOW.
WITHOUT ME.

BUT KNOWING THAT I KNOW SOME STUFF.
MORE THAN I SAY...

BECAUSE I CAN CHOOSE TO SAY IT.
OR NOT.

NOT EVERYTHING THAT I KNOW
HAS TO BE PUT INTO WORDS. RIGHT?

HAVING LEVERAGE IS ONE THING, 
BUT KNOWING WHAT IT IS
AND HOW TO USE IT...

ARE TWO OTHER THINGS.

Seeing... To... Evaluate

I see what people do and choose to do.

IF SOME PEOPLE WANT ME TO WONDER WHERE I STAND.
IS THERE A REASON THEY WANT ME
TO WONDER?

I USED TO THINK:
IF I SHOW UP AUTHENTICALLY...
THINGS WOULD DEVELOP ORGANICALLY.

SOME PEOPLE WHO THINK I WILL
CHASE THEM FOREVER....
WHEN I STOP...
THEY WONDER WHY.

I FALL BACK, AND THEY FEEL IT.
BECAUSE IT FEELS...
THE WAY... IT FELT FOR ME.

WHEN THEY WERE TRYING TO....

MAKE ME WONDER....
WHERE I STOOD.

FACE VALUE.

I DON'T HAVE TO READ INTO IT.
IF PEOPLE GO COLD.... I CAN????

"FLIP." OFF GOES THAT SWITCH.
JUST.... OFF.

THEY THOUGHT THEY HAD THE REMOTE CONTROL
TO MY EMOTIONS
AND DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE BATTERIES.

I GAVE PEOPLE GLANCES OF THAT BEFORE....

BUT? THEY DIDN'T "BELIEVE THEIR EYES"
WHEN I LET THEM SEE IT.

SO THEN? DID I HAVE TO SHOW THEM AGAIN?
UNLESS I WANT TO?

A LOT OF MY LIFE I WAS DELIBERATING.
BECAUSE I KNOW I WOULD HAVE TO MAKE MY MOVES.
AND I KNEW THOSE MOVES WERE MINE.

"MIRRORING."
LETTING THEM EXPERIENCE
THEIR OWN ENERGY.

I DON'T HAVE TO XYX....
BUT I CAN.... DO SOME THINGS.

IT'S NOT A PROJECTION.
BECAUSE THAT'S NOT MY ENERGY.

MY ENERGY WAS WHAT I WAS ABOUT INITIALLY.

ACCESS WAS WHAT THEY WERE USED TO...
FOR VERY LITTLE.

FOR ALL THE BS I ABSORBED.
AND WAS EXPECTED TO, ALL MY LIFE.
NEVER WANTED TO BE EXPECTED TO
AND NEVER EXPECTED THAT.

I ACTUALLY EXPECTED BETTER THAN THAT...

BECAUSE I WAS HOPEFUL.

BUT THERE'S A DIFFERENCE...
BETWEEN WANTING TO BREATHE LIFE INTO THINGS
THAT HAVE BEEN DEAD BECAUSE 
I WAS THE ONLY ONE BREATHING INTO IT.

WHEN YOU'RE GIVING CPR...
AND THE PERSON... 

STOPS BREATHING...

AND DOESN'T START BREATHING...

WHAT CAN YOU DO FOR THEM?

THEY STOPPED.

RIGHT?

THEY NEED TO BREATHE FOR THEMSELVES...

EVENTUALLY. YOU CAN ONLY HELP THEM SO MUCH.

OKAY. SILENCE? THEN? SILENCE. OKAY.

IF THEY ARE OKAY WITH THAT. SO AM I.

AM I ANGRY? NO? WHY WOULD I BE?
JUST.... SILENT. ALL GOOD. 

IF THEY ARE AT THEIR LEVEL....
THEY ARE THERE. OKAY.

WAS I ONCE THERE? YES?
DID I NEED TO SEE THINGS? YES?

OKAY.

HOW CAN THEY FEED ON SILENCE? CAN THEY? NO?

SILENCE ISN'T HAVING ANYTHING TO SAY.
IT'S... CONSERVING... ENERGY.

WHAT IS ENERGY? AN ASSET.

WHAT ARE ASSETS? VALUABLE.

BUT I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THERE
TO MAKE EVERYONE ELSE FEEL BETTER...
RIGHT?

ABOUT THEMSELVES IN SOME WAY....

EVEN THOUGH... HOW THEY FEEL
ABOUT THEMSELVES...

HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

OR ANY TRUTH I COULD TELL THEM.
IF THEY LISTENED.

THEY DO.... BUT NOT IN THE WAYS YOU THINK.... 
THE ONES WHO DON'T LISTEN... 

THEY LISTEN FOR SOME THINGS.

THE ONES WHO ARE LIKE SPIDERS....
THINK ABOUT SPIDER WEBS FOR A MOMENT....

WHAT DO THEY DO? THEY VIBRATE.

THEY LISTEN FOR VIBRATIONS IN A SENSE.

HOW DOES WHAT THEY CATCH... HIT THE WEBS?
THAT THEY CAST?

WHAT IF... WHAT THEY CATCH IN THE WEB....
IS SOMETHING THAT THEY CAN'T EAT?

IMAGINE IT'S RAINING....
A DROP ON A WEB... VIBRATES....
BUT THE SPIDER IGNORES THOSE...
BECAUSE IT'S NOT SOMETHING IT CAN EAT.

THEY LISTEN FOR TYPES OF VIBRATIONS.

LIKE HOW I USED TO HEAR THE WET WHEELS
OF THE CARS ON THE HIGHWAY
BECAUSE I WAS THAT CLOSE TO THAT HIGHWAY.

I KNEW THAT SOUND. I KNEW WHAT IT WAS.
WITHOUT HAVING TO CONFIRM IT.

THE SPIDER DOES THE SAME THING
WITH VIBRATIONS.

I HAD TO LEARN HOW TO READ SOME THINGS.
KIND OF LIKE THESE.

TO? MATCH.
TO? MIRROR.

IN SOME WAYS. I DO IT SO THEY CAN SEE.
SOME OF... WHAT I CAN.

SOMETHING ABOUT SILENCE...
WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DEFLECT AT?

NOTHING? THEY CAN'T.

THAT'S WHAT I FIGURED OUT.

THEN SUDDENLY... I'M THE ONE ACTING "DIFFERENT."
WHEN ACTUALLY... THEY WERE.

BUT I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO?

THEY STARTED TO....
AND I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO?

THEY CAN'T ARGUE WHAT THEY ARE GUILTY OF.

AND IS IT "REVENGE"
OR?
IS IT A REFLECTION?

IF THEY DON'T LIKE THEIR REFLECTION...
WHAT ARE THEY DOING?

DID I HAVE TO LEARN IT LIKE THIS?
SADLY, YEAH.

IF YOU KNEW MY WHOLE HISTORY...

YOU'D KNOW THE GAMES PEOPLE PLAYED.

THINKING I WOULD NOT NOTICE THEM.
OR NOTICE THAT.

THEN THEY REALIZE? "OH."

I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE "HURT" AND "GRIEVING"
THEM AND THEIR SILENCE....

BUT? I'M APPRECIATING IT.

FOR WHAT IT TAUGHT ME.

CRAZY, EH?

"DETACHMENT."
I HAD TO LEARN IT.

GRACE IS NOT GULLIBILITY.
MY LOYALTY WASN'T A LACK OF AN OPTION.

"HER DOOR WILL BE OPEN WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE
OPENING IT."

WHICH DOOR?

EXIT DOOR IS ALWAYS OPEN.
OPEN FOR BUSINESS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

SILENCE SPEAKS VOLUMES.
IT DOES.

SO DOES MINE.