Hard One To Write

If you've read my really old stuff.... 
This might make some sense.

Because you'd know where I was at...
Emotionally, for a long time... 

Especially when it came to the life I wish I got to live.... 
Not that I was OWED by anyone.... 

It's grief-related. 
One of my good friends died a couple of months ago.
I went to his celebration of life last Monday.
I didn't know if I was even going to get to go to it.

I did get to go to it! 

Still kind of processing.... 
He died. He's dead.
He bled out.
He had an accident with his ATV....
It punctured his artery.... He's gone.

It wasn't even a month after his 49th birthday....

He's been accident-prone.... Very.... 
That was the bane of his existence.
It was his death.... 

I'm sad that my friend is gone.... 
I'm sad about how he died....
I'm sad for his family.... 
Especially his nieces and nephews... 
And his sisters.

I feel very numb. Exhausted on many levels... 
Yes, LOSS, but it's also
A LIFE I NEVER GOT TO LIVE.

AND THAT PART HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM.

IT HAS TO DO WITH CARING AND WANTING SOMETHING
THAT USED TO MEAN SO MUCH TO ME... 

MAYBE IN SOME WAYS, IT STILL DOES, 
BUT I'M VERY TIRED.

NOT JUST BECAUSE I HAVEN'T SLEPT YET.
I FEEL TIRED IN MY SOUL.
FOR REAL.
IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE THAT WILL GO AWAY.
I WISH IT WOULD!

I wish I could just feel better about how my life turned out.
It could have been worse, I guess.

It really could be worse!
Deeply, honestly, I know this!

If the worst that happens is that I don't ever get married....
Or go on a date....
Or have that partnership that would be ideal for me.... 
If that's the worst.... Is that so bad?

Lots of people never get married.
It's not like I'm the only one who won't ever get married, right?

EVEN IF IT FEELS LIKE THAT SOMETIMES!

EVEN IF THE FEELINGS THAT I WISH WOULD GO TF AWAY.....
ARE STILL THERE....
DECADES LATER... 

WHEN THEY SHOULD HAVE JUST.... ENDED.

BECAUSE.... AFTER EVERYTHING....
WHY DOES THAT STUPID PART OF ME.....
STILL FKN WANT THAT? WHY?

I KNOW THAT IT'S NOT GOING TO JUST BE....
"INSTANT HAPPINESS."
THE "HONEYMOON PHASE" ENDS AT SOME POINT.

Part of me wants to just go STRONG AND HARD FOR MYSELF, 
FOR MY LIFE, MY FUTURE.... ALL OF THOSE POWER MOVES....

But I feel fkn SAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not angry, not bitter, just fkn SAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Should I feel SAD about being single? Fk no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Being single is so much better than being with the wrong person!

I KNOW THIS!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IT'S SO FKN TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALSO, WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE WITH ANYONE....
WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH ME?

WHO DOES NOT EVEN FKN TRY?

I TRIED! FOR TOO LONG! I STOPPED!
NO POINT IN CONTINUING.

WHY WOULD I?
IT'D BE ANOTHER ONE-SIDED THING
THAT I'D ALSO HAVE TO GRIEVE.

SO WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

JUST TO DO IT?
JUST TO WASTE MORE TIME?
JUST TO KEEP WANTING SOMETHING
THAT APPARENTLY I CAN'T SEEM TO HAVE?
WILL I EVER HAVE ANYTHING EVEN CLOSE?

WHY AM I EVEN ASKING IF I EVER WILL?
DOES THAT EVEN MATTER?

SHOULD IT HAVE MATTERED AS MUCH AS IT DID?
EVEN AS MUCH AS IT SOMETIMES STILL DOES?

Because it's not an ALL-THE-TIME feeling like it used to be.
It's more of a grief that visits and overstays its welcome.... 
Repeatedly and unannounced... 

Not all the time..... Not every day.... 
Sometimes I feel OKAY.
ABOUT BEING SINGLE.
ABOUT BEING..... NOT MARRIED....
NOT "IN LOVE."

EVEN ABOUT THE TIMES I WAS TAKEN FOR GRANTED!
BEEN HEALING ALL OF THAT.... OR SO I THOUGHT....
UNTIL IT..... POPS UP.

AGAIN. AND STAYS.... LINGERS....
UNTIL IT FKN GOES AWAY, AGAIN, FOR A WHILE.
I HATE HAVING TO FEEL IT, 
I HATE HAVING TO DEAL WITH IT.
I HATE HAVING TO PICK MY LIFE UP.... 
MYSELF UP.... FROM THIS.... STILL.

It's not that I'm desperate for "love."
I HAVE BEEN SINGLE FOR FKN 11 YEARS!

BEFORE THAT, IT WASN'T AS LONG, 
BUT IT WAS STILL A LONG TIME.

It's Been Useful & Helpful

Writing. I'm talking about writing. 
Whether it's blogging, journaling, or whatever...
Writing is flexible and it provided me with the flexibility
that I needed to explore my thoughts and feelings in a way
that seems to have been useful to achieve a few things....
It wasn't that it was easy to do.
It wasn't that it was instantaneous.
It was built by me, intentionally.
Internally.

What I've been writing about are things that reflect
who I've become after overcoming certain things, 
after reflecting on certain things, 
thinking deeper than I used to think.... 

Overall developing.... Slowly, yes...
If I could have been where I am NOW
10 years ago... Or 20 years ago....
Things might have been different in my life today. 

Today, I was at a location I used to frequent back in 2014... 

Close to where I went to counselling when I first quit drinking.

When I thought back to where I was, emotionally, then....
And where I am emotionally, today, I can see and FEEL the difference.

The difference feels so much better, like a huge relief
from how I used to feel.

I thought about the things I did that actually helped.

The way I was thinking.... Wasn't helping me.
It wasn't.

I didn't know how else to think!
I thought the ways I always thought!
I didn't know the difference!

Between thinking the way I always thought....
And thinking in ways that were useful to see some things
in new ways that I could use creatively and constructively.

I became more interested in certain things that helped me
think along the lines of things that might work better
than the ways that I used to operate. 

I was thinking:
It was best that I didn't actually "get" what I "always wanted."
when I wasn't ready to actually appreciate it.

I had good things in my life before.
Before I could see certain things and when I missed certain things.
Facts that were right in front of me....
About things that were waiting to be realized, in a way.

The reason I write about it is that some of it was useful.
It's not to brag or whatever.

It's not that I ever thought of myself as "special."
Because I "finally realized something."
that took me forever to realize.... 

I never had to or wanted to look at myself like that.
I just had to realize that I actually have certain skills
that are actually practical and transferrable.

With those, I can use them to help myself
and communicate certain things that others MIGHT use
to reflect on their own stuff.

Whether they do or not....
That isn't the point.

The point is that... 
I had to go deeper to uncover certain things
that would have remained unseen
had I not looked at certain things.

It was either I was going to actually do that...
Or keep refusing to do it.
I had that choice, and that choice was mine the whole time.

When we look at some things, we aren't looking at other things.
And that's not just about perspective.

It's actually about something pretty deep
that I can't figure out how to articulate in this moment.

It IS about perspective, but it's not JUST about perspective.

It's really hard to articulate the other components right now.
Because on some level, I intuitively know what those are....
At the same time, even if I can express some things....
I can't express everything.... In the ways that I want to.

I guess that what I want is to be able to express it
in ways that make sense and in ways that are helpful to someone
who might understand and use what I expressed in a way
that might help them. 

Writing is flexible. It's accommodating.
It's exploratory.
It's a TOOL.

It's not just a form of expression.
It's much more useful and fluid than that.

That's what I love about it.

A long time ago.... A lot was really hard for me.
I couldn't "connect" in the ways I wanted to or wish that I could.
I hadn't developed certain strengths that I have now....
I hadn't taken the time to do any of that.

"Arrested development" is an understatement
when it comes to describing myself.

No shame in describing myself truthfully.
I can be honest about where I was.
I can be honest about why I was there.
I can be honest about what took me so long to see some things.

Some things that I wish I had seen sooner, but....
At least I have seen what I have seen.
Some of it was stuff I needed to see.
FOR A REALLY LONG TIME!

AND HAD I SEEN IT, LONG AGO, 
I COULD HAVE USED IT, LONG AGO.

That's part of why I'm sharing it, on here, 
so that if it clicks for you, for the reasons it did, for me, 
then you can use it for certain purposes.

If it helps you operate closer to the way that you've wanted to, 
like it did for me, 
then I'm glad about that.

Why wouldn't I be?
I'm allowed to be glad about that.

Reflecting A Bit

Reflecting on things has actually helped me.
Whether reflecting in thought or in writing....
It's still reflecting.

That's how people can gain insight.

I did a lot of reflecting in writing.
I don't mind doing it.
Especially if it helps other people reflect on their own lives.
Not that I expect what I say to have any kind of "effect."
If it does, cool. I'd be surprised, actually.

Spent my life mostly SHELVED.
PUT ON THE BACK BURNER.
ALL KINDS OF STUFF.
IMPULSIVE SH*T.

BECAUSE IF PEOPLE THOUGHT....
ABOUT ME....
WOULD THEY DO THAT?

Honestly... Even though I've wanted others to put themselves
IN MY SHOES....
I DIDN'T ALWAYS DO THAT.
FOR THEM.

THERE ARE MANY TIMES
I WAS TOO SELFISH TO BE CONSIDERATE
OF OTHER PEOPLE.

AND TOO IGNORANT.

As fkd up as I was.... 
I've actually realized a lot.

Because I thought about a lot.
I asked myself a lot of questions.
I've been delving into some deeper things....
About myself.

Because if I don't....
None of that gets looked at.
At all. Let alone whatever way it does.

My immaturity COST ME.
Was I thinking about the consequences?

Was I thinking about what I would lose?
Was I thinking about how he felt?
Was I thinking about even talking about it?
With him?

It should have been about how he felt.
ABOUT UNDERSTANDING THAT.

Yes, I was extremely insecure.
Yes, I was extremely unstable.
Yes, I was extremely immature.

I was fkd up in so many ways.
BUT I COULD HAVE CHANGED.

I WASN'T READY.

My BS probably affected him.

IT WASN'T THAT HE WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM.

I WAS THE ONE WHO TOOK A RISK.
NOT GROWING & CHANGING WAS A RISK.

BEING WITH ME WAS A RISK FOR HIM.
HE TOOK THAT RISK.
TO BE WITH ME.

He dealt with a lot from me.
Was I seeing that? When he was dealing with it?
From me?

OR WAS I TOO BUSY BEING FKD UP?
TO SEE FKN ANYTHING?
ABOUT MYSELF?
OR HOW I WAS?
BACK THEN?

If I had the chance to just TALK TO HIM AGAIN,
I'D TAKE IT.

BUT I'M THE ONE WHO FKD UP.
I WAS THE ONE WHO WASTED HIS TIME.
I WASN'T DEALING WITH MY BS.

I SEE IT NOW.
HOW IT SEEMED, LOOKED, WAS, FELT, ETC.
HOW I ACTED, THOUGHT..... ALL OF THAT.

Why did it take so long? I don't know why.
Maybe I spent too long COPING
WITH MY OWN SH*T.
OR TRYING TO.
BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I WASN'T ALONE
WHEN I WAS WITH HIM...

I WAS IN SOME WAYS.
BECAUSE SOME THINGS
I COULDN'T EXPECT ANYONE TO UNDERSTAND.

I WISH I HADN'T ENDED IT,
FOR THE BS REASONS I DID.

OR AT ALL.

I WISH I HADN'T DONE MANY THINGS.

I WISH I HAD WORKED IT OUT
WHEN I COULD HAVE.

BUT NOW.... I CAN'T.

AT THE SAME TIME, I WASN'T SEEING THE THINGS
AT THAT TIME, 
THAT I SEE NOW.

IF I DID, I WOULD HAVE MADE BETTER CHOICES.

I'M THE ONE WHO MADE THE CHOICES
THAT I MADE.

IN THAT MOMENT.

THAT AFFECTED BOTH OF US.
NOT JUST ME, NOT JUST HIM.
BOTH OF US.

But at the same time....
I WASN'T FIT TO EVEN BE DATING!
I WAS NOT ON HIS LEVEL!
I WASN'T FUNCTIONAL AS A PERSON!
AM I? EVEN NOW?

I DOUBT THAT.
VERY MUCH.

Been A While.... Update

Haven't forgotten about this blog. Just been....
Keeping myself busy and repairing years of damage.

Honestly, when most people are not TAUGHT how to....
SUPPORT themselves physically, emotionally, mentally....
THEY TEND NOT TO DO IT.

IS IT THEIR FAULT THEY NEVER WERE TAUGHT HOW?
NO! IT'S NOT!

IS IT THEIR RESPONSIBILITY TO LEARN, 
AS AN ADULT? YEAH.

In my 20s, I didn't have my priorities "straight."
I also put myself LAST in many ways.

I wasn't used to prioritizing my NEEDS.

Primarily, my NEED for STABILITY.
PHYSICALLY, EMOTIONALLY, AND MENTALLY.

Sure, I "knew" I needed that....
BUT I LOOKED OUTSIDE MYSELF FOR THAT.
ALWAYS.

CAN'T FIND IT OUTSIDE MYSELF.

Here's a metaphor:

It's like misplacing your KEYS inside your "place."
INDOORS....
BUT..... YOU LOOK FOR THE KEYS OUTDOORS.
WHERE YOU DIDN'T LOSE THEM.
WHERE THEY AREN'T.
THEY AREN'T THERE.
THEY ARE INDOORS.

So why look for something somewhere
IT ISN'T?
WILL YOU FIND IT?
SOMEWHERE IT ISN'T?
NO!
BECAUSE IT'S NOT THERE!

I'm "disorganized."
Mentally, I'm getting a bit better...
But physically, I'm not "there," yet.

Patience is something that is a "virtue."
But.... We can actually apply it to ourselves.

While in the process OF CHANGING.
MANY THINGS.
DIRECTION, HABITS, PATTERNS, EVEN ACCESS.

And with changing can come GRIEVING.
"LOSS" OF WHAT WAS.
EVEN WHEN WHAT WILL BE AND CAN BE
IS EVEN BETTER THAN WHAT WAS.

I went through that "phase" when I quit drinking.
I felt like I was grieving. 
Being an active alcoholic.
"FRIENDS" I THOUGHT WERE MY ACTUAL FRIENDS.
FEW STOOD BY ME
AFTER I QUIT DRINKING.
VERY FEW.

THOSE WHO DID WERE THERE FOR "ME."
NOT BECAUSE I DRANK, TOO.

THE ONES WHO BOUNCED...
WERE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH "ME."
"SOBER ME."

I joined a group about RECOVERY.
I made a post asking if people went to AA
and if it helped, what helped?
If something didn't resonate with them, what didn't?

I went to AA meetings for 6 months.
My first 6 months of sobriety.
It did help in some ways....
It didn't help in some other ways.

Some things resonated and were effective.
Some things didn't resonate with me at all.

I learned that only 30% of recovering addicts 
NEVER RELAPSE.
AND STAY QUIT.

70% RELAPSE.

What's the difference?
What makes THE difference?

Between those who NEVER RELAPSE....
AND THOSE WHO ARE MORE PRONE TO?

WHAT???? MAKES THEM MORE PRONE TO?

I come from a dysfunctional family.
So dysfunctional that I was supposed to be proud
to be as dysfunctional as I truly was.

I was so dysfunctional that I was extremely dysregulated.
How was I to know....... HOW....
TO REGULATE MYSELF?

WAS ANYONE TEACHING ME?
ANYTHING RELATED TO THAT?

DOES THAT GET TAUGHT?
BY DYSFUNCTIONAL PEOPLE?
TO DYSFUNCTIONAL PEOPLE?

WHEN YOU'RE IN SOMETHING....
YOU CAN'T SEE IT.

You might have seen it, 
BUT YOU STOP SEEING IT.
YOU BECOME "BLIND" TO IT.

LIKE "SMELL BLINDNESS."
WHEN SMOKERS CAN'T SMELL THEMSELVES.

WHEN I WAS A SMOKER, 
I COULDN'T SMELL THE STINK OF CIGARETTES.

I DATED A GUY WHO DIDN'T SMOKE WHEN I DID.
HE STILL TOOK A CHANCE ON ME.

I USED TO DRINK AND SMOKE AT THAT TIME.
IN MY 20S. WHEN I DATED HIM.

I DIDN'T COME FROM THE FUNCTIONALITY HE DID.
HIS FAMILY WAS OPPOSITE TO MINE.
SUPPORTIVE ETC.

I WAS LUCKY TO EVEN BE ACCEPTED INTO THAT.
FOR AS LONG AS I WAS.
FULLY, WHOLE-HEARTEDLY.
HONESTLY.

YES, I THINK ABOUT HIM, STILL.
HE'S A CATCH. I KNOW. I DATED HIM.
I MISS HIM. 

I DIDN'T DESERVE HIM.
ANYTHING ABOUT HIM.

HE PUT UP WITH TOO MUCH BS FROM ME.
HE NEVER DESERVED THAT.

I threw it all away because...
I thought I was doing "the right thing."
BY SETTING HIM FREE.

SO HE COULD BE FREE OF ME.
OF MY BS. 

BECAUSE I WASN'T READY.
HE WAS. I WASN'T.

EVEN IF I WAS READY OR CLOSER TO BEING READY, NOW....
IT'S TOO LATE NOW.

I HAD THAT CHANCE.
NOT A CHANCE I'LL JUST "GET" AGAIN.

NOT AFTER BEING AS FKED UP AS I WAS.

HE HAS WHAT IT TAKES TO ATTRACT ALL KINDS OF GOOD THINGS
INTO HIS LIFE AND I WANT THAT FOR HIM, EVERYTHING GOOD FOR HIM.

THE ONLY REGRETS I HAVE FOR THAT RELATIONSHIP....
WAS.... NOT BEING READY....
TO MEET HIM....
WHERE HE WAS AT.
WHERE HE DESERVED FOR ME TO BE AT.
I WAS VERY UNDERDEVELOPED.....
IN MANY WAYS....

BUT THAT'S NOT AN EXCUSE.
IT'S A FACT.

A fact that... I have had to accept about myself....
AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT.

I wasn't ready to GROW & CHANGE.
EVEN THOUGH I COULD HAVE & SHOULD HAVE.

DID I KNOW HOW?
NO. I DIDN'T KNOW HOW....
BUT I WASN'T THINKING ABOUT HOW....
BEYOND NOT KNOWING HOW.

BUT NOT THINKING ABOUT HOW...
WASN'T..... DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

WASN'T DOING ANYTHING ABOUT THE FACT....
THAT I HAD TO GROW & CHANGE.

I WAS THE ONE WHO SABBOTAGED IT ALL.
I WAS THE ONE WHO RUINED IT.
NOT HIM.

WASN'T THINKING, DIDN'T THINK.
BLEW IT.
MY FAULT. NOT HIS.

AND IT'S NOT LIKE I COULD 
"MAKE THAT RIGHT."
BECAUSE IT WASN'T.

It's not like I could just "apologize."
It's not like he'd just "forgive" me.

It's not like things would just "be the same."

Especially after all this time.

That's part of why I've been intentionally single for a long time.
Since my last relationship.
I tried to date a few times after that, but....
I realized IT WAS A DISTRACTION
FROM DEALING WITH MYSELF
AND MY OWN ISSUES.

NOT JUST "LOOKING FOR LOVE"
THAT I WASN'T LIKELY TO FIND....

Being an alcoholic showed me a lot about myself....

But as I was saying....
When we are IN it, it's hard to see certain things.

AND OTHER CERTAIN THINGS....
IF WE REFUSE TO SEE THEM....
WE WON'T SEE THEM.

I REFUSED TO LOOK AT HOW I WAS.
FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

THAT COST ME, DEARLY.

Maybe that guy I dated in my 20s....
Maybe he was the only guy who ever....
Actually loved me.

Like nobody ever DID OR COULD, OR WOULD....
MAYBE HE WAS!

DID I SEE THAT?
WHAT WE HAD?
WHILE WE WERE TOGETHER?

IF I DID, DAMN SURE WOULD HAVE APPRECIATED IT MORE!
MUCH MORE!
THE WAY HE DESERVED TO BE, 
FROM ME.

INSTEAD OF STRUGGLING WITH MY OWN SHIT, 
AND RUINING EVERYTHING.

BETWEEN HIM AND I....

BUT FROM EACH RELATIONSHIP I HAVE HAD....
I HAVE LEARNED SOME THINGS.
ABOUT MYSELF.
TO GET..... HERE.

LEARNING THE HARD WAY....
IS STILL LEARNING.