Sometimes I Really Wonder

Sometimes, I really wonder if some people WOULD understand me
IF THEY THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT I SAID. 

AND WHY I SAY THE THINGS THAT I SAY.
WHETHER I'M UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING, 
WHETHER I'M FRUSTRATED, 
WHETHER I JUST WISH TO BE FKN UNDERSTOOD... 

Do I expect everyone to understand all the time? No. 
Am I okay with the fact that they don't get what I'm saying or why? Yeah. 
Do I wish they thought about what I was saying and why? Yes.
But wishing that they would doesn't make them think or understand. 

That's why I even wonder if there is a point in making a point
if most people don't fkn listen, don't understand, don't think... 

Is it FAIR that the LGBTQ community gets funds for parades
AND CAN FINE A TOWN FOR NOT WANTING A GAY PARADE?

While, for years, reserves have DIRTY WATER THEY HAVE TO BOIL. 

If someone else's sexual preferences should only matter to THEM, 
NOT BE FORCED TO MATTER TO EVERYONE... 

WHEN APPARENTLY CLEAN WATER ONLY MATTERS
IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!!!!

That really bothers me, and it should bother people who understand why. 

It doesn't bother me if anyone GETS MAD AT ME
THAT CLEAN WATER MATTERS MORE TO ME THAN A PARADE.

It kind of bothers me when people don't seem to UNDERSTAND WHY.

What Would It Look Like?

I'm not anti-gay or anti-LGBTQ. 

Should it matter to me who someone goes to bed with or as?
Should MY sexual preferences matter to YOU?
Or should my preferences, ALL OF THEM, be personal TO ME?
Should I need a parade about my lifestyle?
Is a parade a basic NEED?

Should the preferences OF ANY GROUP MATTER MORE
THAN THE PREFERENCES OF ANY OTHER GROUP?

SHOULD BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS, LIKE CLEAN WATER
MATTER MORE THAN SOMEONE'S SEXUAL PREFERENCES?

Do you want to know why I'm asking these questions?
Because it wouldn't hurt to think about these things. 

Should a basic human need matter more than a parade?

Because if it should, and it does to me... 
If it should matter MORE THAN A PARADE...
MAYBE SOMETHING SHOULD BE DONE ABOUT IT.

Is that A GOOD ENOUGH REASON FOR ASKING?
JUST ASKING QUESTIONS?

One more question, a REAL question:

If ANY group acts like their rights matter more than OTHER groups' rights...
SHOULD ALL GROUPS ACT LIKE THAT?

If all groups acted like that, maybe there might be some DISCRIMINATION
AND FAVORITISM. 

ONE group's preferences should not matter more than another's. 
ONE group's rights should not matter more than another's. 

If all groups acted the exact same way, what would that look like to you?
Would that look like progress in any way?

What would that look like? If ALL GROUPS ACTED LIKE
THEIR RIGHTS AND PREFERENCES MATTER MORE
THAN THE RIGHTS AND PREFERENCES OF OTHER GROUPS?

NO MATTER WHAT THE GROUPS ARE! 
BECAUSE IT DOESN'T FKN MATTER!
WHAT THE GROUPS ARE ISN'T THE POINT. 

ALL groups!
If EVERY GROUP acted like their rights and preferences matter MORE
than ANY OTHER GROUP....

What would that look like to you?

Writing On The Brain

The last 2 days... I wrote 2 chapters. I literally wrote for 12 hours/day. 
On both of those days. I'm aggravated. 

I've been making a point about imposition. 
Also, about preferences. 

Preferences don't need to be imposed. I said it. 
Any kind of preferences. 

I made a few points about it...

Should sexual preferences matter more than the basic right to clean water?

Should Indigenous communities be fining anyone for turning on a tap
to get fkn dirty water?

And what are they told for fkn years? BOIL IT!

SHOULD WE CARE IF 2 DUDES ENJOY KISSING EACH OTHER?
OR IS HAVING CLEAN WATER MORE IMPORTANT?

It's about PRIORITIES and preferences. 
It's not about whether someone likes a dildo in their @ss.

It's as much my business that someone is a BIKER 
as it is that someone is GAY. 

And since that isn't my fkn business, if they are GAY...
WHY TF SHOULD I CARE OR CATER?

I already know people will say things like:
"Bikers and LGTBQ are different!"
"Being a BIKER is a choice, being GAY isn't."

I'll tell you why I compared these two GROUPS. 

1) BIKERS HAVE A GROUP/COMMUNITY. 
2) BIKERS HAVE A BIKER CULTURE
3) BIKERS ALSO HAVE PREFERENCES
4) BIKERS ARE NOT DEMANDING PARADES ABOUT BEING BIKERS
5) BIKERS ARE NOT FINING ANYONE FOR NOT ACCEPTING THEM
6) BEING A BIKER IS AN IDENTITY
7) A BIKER GROUP IS A GROUP WITH DISTINCTIONS LIKE OTHER GROUPS

I could keep going, but these are FAIR to say. Okay? Because they are TRUE.

The LGBTQ community has these similarities. 
BUT, they ARE demanding parades about it. 
In fact, a whole town (who didn't have the choice about it) got FINED.
FOR NOT WANTING A GAY PARADE IN THEIR TOWN. 

Whether they wanted the parade in their town should have been a choice.
Since it should have been a CHOICE, AND WASN'T, THAT TOWN GOT FINED!

I understand that the LGBTQ community is about advocacy. 
I understand why advocacy is important to their community. 
I never said that it wasn't, and I never said there was no reason for it. 

What I am saying is that I understand why OTHER RIGHTS, 
OF OTHER GROUPS ARE IMPORTANT, TOO!

If only ONE group acts in any type of way about their rights... 
NO MATTER WHAT THAT GROUP IS. ANY GROUP... 
SHOULD ALL GROUPS HAVE THE RIGHT TO ACT LIKE THAT?

That was the point that I was making. At this point, I don't GAF
IF ANYONE FINDS THAT QUESTION OFFENSIVE.
BECAUSE IT IS A QUESTION NOT TARGETING ANY GROUP!
IT GOES FOR EVERY GROUP! ANY GROUP... 

ONE group can't get mad at me for asking that question.
Because it's ABOUT EVERYONE. 

No matter what I say or how I generalize to make a POINT, 
I get misinterpreted and misunderstood. 
I FULLY EXPECT THAT TO HAPPEN ALL THE TIME NOW... 

If something is okay for one group to have, 
SHOULD IT BE OKAY FOR ANOTHER GROUP?

IF ONE GROUP HAS CLEAN WATER, 
SHOULD ANOTHER GROUP ALSO HAVE CLEAN WATER?

IF ONE GROUP HAS PARADES AND GETS TO FINE TOWNS, 
SHOULD ALL GROUPS GET TO DO THAT?

Or.... Is it any of my BUSINESS WHO LIKES SUCKING A C*CK ?

And I know that it's about having RIGHTS. 
THE RIGHT TO SUCK HOWEVER MANY C*CKS YOU WANT.
THE RIGHT TO DRESS HOWEVER TF YOU WANT IN PUBLIC.
THE RIGHT NOT TO BE HARRASSED BECAUSE YOU'RE GAY...

IN SOME COUNTRIES BEING GAY MEANS DEATH. 
Not in Canada. Apparently, we celebrate all differences... 

UNLESS YOU LIVE ON A FKN RESERVE FFS!

SO WHY SHOULD SOMEONE WHO IS GAY, 
GET CLEAN WATER, PARADES, AND RIGHTS
WHEN IT'D BE NICE TO TURN ON THE TAP TO CLEAN WATER FFS!
AT THE VERY FKN LEAST!!!! 

THAT SH*T REALLY PISSES ME OFF!!!! 

My point is not to minimize anyone’s rights, identity, or advocacy.
It is to highlight a broader question of priority and fairness.
All groups deserve recognition, protection, and the ability to advocate.
But in a society where resources and attention are finite, basic needs, 
safety, health, and essential services must come first!

I Got A Text Today

My neighbor texted me that another neighbor tried to take her life.
People fkn get depressed living here, like this. They do. It sucks. 

Why he's telling me, I don't know. 
Pretty sure she wouldn't want everyone to know. 
Not like I'm going around telling anyone... 
None of their business. 

I told the hospital not to call my parents
when I had a breakdown, but they did anyway. 
None of their business. 

Does it still cross my mind sometimes? Yeah. It does. 
Not because dude didn't want to come over and chill with me.
Because it's been like this for a long fkn time and I'm tired.
TIRED OF TRYING FOR NOTHING. 
I'D RATHER JUST NOT FKN TRY ANYMORE. 

WHY SHOULD IT BE THAT HARD JUST TO MAKE FKN FRIENDS?
IT SHOULDN'T BE. BUT APPARENTLY IT IS. 

Anyway, that guy who showed me his thing emailed me again. 
He doesn't seem to understand why I don't visit him anymore. 
Before he did that, I'd sent him an email about RESPECT, 
and he said he understood... And then did that... 

And wanted me to deal with the refund he wanted... 
After he told me to renew it for him... 

No, dude. I don't want to visit you. 
NOT AFTER THAT SH*T. 

IF I DID GO AFTER THAT, 
IT'D BE LIKE TELLING THE GUY THAT SH*T'S OKAY. 
IT'S FKN NOT OKAY. 

I DON'T NEED ANY MORE BS. 
ESPECIALLY FROM HIM. 

But if he fkn understood, he'd fkn leave me alone. 
And not contact me about fkn anything ever again. 
I don't fkn owe him anything. 
DEFINITELY DON'T OWE HIM MY TIME. 
HE ALREADY WASTED MY TIME. 

HE DOESN'T GET MORE OF MY TIME TO WASTE. 

Anyway, tonight was a low-profile type of night. 
One of my neighbors came to visit me. 

He mostly comes to smoke with me. 
I made him weed tea and a cheese sammich. 
I made myself a cup and a cheese sammich too. 
My stomach feels better with something in it. 
After drinking the tea. 

We listened to music. It started when he told me
that he started listening to a German band, and I knew the one. 

A neighbor I used to smoke with showed me that song and band. 

I showed my neighbor a bunch of bands he hadn't heard before. 
Some of it he liked, some of it he didn't like. 
Can't all be winners, I guess. 

I have a "different" taste in music. The older stuff he knows and likes... 
I know it and like it, too, but I like some other stuff, too. 

I mostly like steady beats and melodic music. Nothing crazy. 

On nights I have a body buzz, and I'm just feeling mellow... 
After drinking weed tea... 

I did go for a walk earlier today. I found a bench to sketch from. 
My hands got cold, and I didn't stay long. 
Couldn't find my smaller sketchbook. 
The one I took with me to the stadium... 
It's around here somewhere. I stashed it somewhere around here. 
I took the bigger one and sketched in it. 
I didn't do any detail work on it, just straight-up sketched it. 
As rough as possible. Just to get back into the rough sketch mode. 
My hands got cold, and I left. 

I told my neighbor I went out, and he was like, "I would have gone with you..."
No. I like going out by myself sometimes. 
We spend so much time together that some people think we are dating. 
He has brought up dating more than once. 

Wish he had just not brought it up. 

Like I wish that other guy didn't show me his d*ck ffs. 

Like I wish a lot of things... But what did hoping ever do for me?

I kinda hoped I'd be married by now, etc... 
A lot of things, but oh fkn well. 

I wish the weather would hurry up and warm up. 
Sitting outside, sketching. 

I sketched one of the buildings at the stadium.
I sketched the buildings from my window. 

I can get lost in that for a while. 
Drawing, music, other stuff... 
I needed that today. 
Something to slip into and stay in for a bit. 

Grabbed a coffee on the way back and a donut. 
and got that text when I got back. 

Then my neighbor came up to smoke and chill. 
So I offer tea and something, if I have something. 

I got the cheese because I sent that invite...
The visit that didn't happen. 

I just don't want to invite the guy again. 
That'll likely be the last time I knock at his door. 

I'm very tired and wish I could sleep for the rest of the winter. 

I told the guy, tonight, before he came up, that I wanted to go to bed early. 
He stayed here past 11pm. Usually, he's back to his place by 9pm. 

I need to unwind by myself for a bit after being around people. 
To get back to feeling... Not sure how to say it... 

To feeling my own energy. When I'm around other people... 
I feel their energy mostly. It bugs me sometimes. 
Especially if their energy feels weird. 

Some people's energy feels pretty weird. All I can say about it. 
It feels weird. Can't explain that. 

Some, I've gotten used to it. Not that I'm a fan of it, but I got used to it. 
Some people, though, their energy just is too off for me.

I like being in my own energy before I sleep and when I wake up. 

I'm going to try to sleep soon.