Mostly Disappointed

Today was a nice day.
Had lunch with my friend, and we went for a walk afterward. 

The weather's decent today, too. 

Sunny, warm.... 

We walked to Parliament Hill.
Talked a lot... 

It was nice! I had a nice time!

We have some things in common.
It's nice just to chill and have a nice time.

We ate, and then we went for a walk.
Was nice!

A lot of the area has changed a lot.

There's a visitor center underground. 

The last time I'd been there, there was a lot of construction.
But it's built now.

Lots of tourists around... 

I don't go out a whole lot these days.
It was nice to be out and have some company.

I also picked up the rocks that I found a month or so ago.
They were still where I stashed them. 

Surprisingly. 

Mostly, nothing gets left alone. Not even a bag of rocks.

But the bag was there, so I got it today.

Anyway, I have to push a bunch of past stuff aside...
Because... I have some things to do...
Things to concentrate on and focus on that need my attention. 

Progressing day by day, just like before...
When I had to get over all of it the first time. 

I guess I still had to get stuff out.
I think it's mostly out. Thanks for bearing with me.

That sh*t was disappointing because I didn't see it coming.
NOT FROM HIM.

Did I see it coming from anyone I trusted? No!
Because I trusted them!

To just be decent!

Anyway, I'm not going to get into it again.
I already got it out. It helped. 

Why hold that in?

Would it do me any good to do that?

TO PRETEND I FEEL AWESOME ABOUT ANY OF THAT?

Just a bunch of questions I keep asking myself:

1) Why does it take being embarrassed by a downgrade?
2) Why does it take karma?
3) Why does it take over a DECADE?
4) Why do people think I'll be there after being discarded?

Among other things... 

Why do people try to affect me so much?
WHY DO THEY THINK I'LL ALWAYS BE THERE?

BEING LOYAL AND CONSISTENT.....
MAKES PEOPLE THINK THAT, MAYBE... 

Anyway, yeah, I was upset about it all.
BECAUSE I DIDN'T THINK HE'D DO ME LIKE THAT.

"I'LL JUST TRY TO HAVE MY CAKE AND EAT IT TOO"
"A*** WILL BE THERE, SHE WANTS ME!"

WANTED! NOT ANYMORE!

THE MOMENT SOMEONE LOOKS DIFFERENT TO ME....
FOR TURNING ON ME....

THEY DON'T GET THOSE "FEELINGS" FROM ME.

NO MATTER HOW I ONCE FELT.
OR SAW THEM... 

Mostly disappointed. Angry? Yeah, I was infuriated!
It's been insulting!

If I did that sh*t?! Really?! 

They'd feel that sh*t from me.

Perceptions

The thing is that dudes think I will ENDLESSLY COMPROMISE.
I ALREADY WAITED FOR THAT DUDE.
HE PROJECTED SH*T ONTO ME, 
WANTED TO ARGUE CONSTANTLY, 
COULDN'T TALK TO HIM....

I'm starting to wonder if those calls
where "nobody was on the other line" were him.

He literally ran away and wanted me to chase him!
FOR WHAT?

FOR ARGUMENTS?
TO KEEP WAITING FOR HIM?
FOR NOTHING?
TO BE OVERLOOKED?
TO BE DISCARDED?

Nope. Just fkn nope.

As curious as I was before, I found out. Right?
That we are not compatible.

That's fine. 
That was always fine.

Doing me like that.....
IS NOT COOL.

"LOSING A*** WASN'T PART OF THE PLAN."

WELP, HAD YOU TREATED ME RIGHT....
WOULD YOU HAVE LOST ME?

OR WOULD I HAVE STAYED?

WOULD I STILL BE THERE?

PROBABLY!

BUT PEOPLE WHO ARE LOYAL......
DON'T APPRECIATE DISLOYALTY. 
THEY DON'T.

OR APPRECIATE DISHONESTY.

AND BOTH ARE FKD UP.

NOT JUST DISLOYALTY.
NOT JUST DISHONESTY.

BOTH. AMONG OTHER FKD UP STUFF.

I DON'T GIVE UP EASILY!
IF I GIVE UP ON SOMETHING OR SOMEONE....
I'VE ALREADY FKN TRIED!
ALREADY CARED!
ALREADY WANTED FKN HARMONY!
ALREADY GOT DISRESPECTED!
ALREADY INSULTED.

JUST ALREADY.... GAVE UP!

IT TAKES A LOT OF SH*T, BUT....
I FKN GIVE UP!

BECAUSE..... FK THAT!

I have "hope" that things will change.....
UNTIL I SEE THEY HAVEN'T.

I LOSE FAITH IN THINGS CHANGING.
I LOSE FAITH IN THINGS GETTING BETTER.

IF SOMEONE WON'T CONSIDER ME....
THE THINGS I'M TELLING THEM....

IS THERE A POINT?

BECAUSE IF I HAVE TO ASK IF THERE IS ONE....
I CAN'T SEE IT!

NOT THAT THERE ISN'T ONE.... 
JUST BECAUSE I CAN'T SEE ONE....

BUT... IF I CAN'T SEE IT.....
IS THERE A POINT, AT THAT TIME?

ANY POINT IN EXPLAINING MYSELF?
DEFENDING MYSELF, YET AGAIN, 
12 FKN YEARS LATER?

AFTER I HAD ALREADY FKN MOVED ON FROM THAT SH*T?

BARELY THOUGHT ABOUT IT?

WAS LIVING MY LIFE?

WITHOUT HIM?

NOT DOING ANYTHING TO HIM?

LETTING HIM LIVE HIS?

WAS THAT WHAT I WAS DOING?

I THINK SO!

WASN'T THAT THE HEALTHY THING TO DO?

WAS I DWELLING ON THE BS ANYMORE?
DWELLING ON HOW FKN UNFAIR THAT SH*T WAS?

HOW UNFAIR A LOT OF SH*T WAS TO ME?

HOW INFURIATING THAT SH*T WOULD BE?
UNDERSTANDABLY?

NOT HARD TO SEE THAT....
IF THAT SH*T WAS BEING DONE TO THEM, RIGHT?

WHY IS IT SO HARD TO SEE
WHEN IT'S BEING DONE TO ME?

IF I WAS DOING IT.....
THEY'D SEE IT!

BUT WHY WOULD I BE DOING IT?

IF THEY WERE BEING FAIR TO ME....
WOULD I HAVE ANY REASON TO BE UPSET?
NO?

THINGS WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL?
YEAH?

Bugs me to be overlooked and misjudged.....
BUT I WOULD RATHER BE ALONE!
THAN DEAL WITH THAT SH*T!

It also bugs me that when (or IF) people learn about me....

IT'S WHEN THEY LEARN THEY ARE WRONG ABOUT ME!
AND WHY THEY ARE WRONG!
AND HAVE BEEN WRONG FOR THE LAST 12 YEARS!

WAS WRONG ABOUT ME.... BACK THEN....
AND WRONG NOW!

BUT THEY ARE ALLOWED TO BE WRONG.

THEY CAN BE AS WRONG AS THEY WANT!

DOESN'T MAKE THEM RIGHT!

If they hadn't fed into lies and BS.....
WOULD THEY HAVE BEEN DECENT TO ME?

JUST THAT?

Hard to say! Right? Hard to say!

Honestly, HOW MUCH BS WAS I SUPPOSED TO TAKE?

OR EXPECTED TO TAKE?

HAVE I NOT HAD ENOUGH? ALREADY?

PRETTY SURE IT'S ALREADY BEEN ENOUGH!

MORE THAN ENOUGH!

DO I CARE WHO THINKS WHAT ABOUT ME?
OR BELIEVES WHAT ABOUT ME?

DO THEY KNOW ME? NO?
SO WHY WOULD I CARE?

BUT... SINCE IT'S ALREADY BEEN ENOUGH BS....
I DEFINITELY DON'T WANT ANY MORE BS!

WHY WOULD I?

ALREADY BEEN ENOUGH, RIGHT?

SHOULD IT BE MY PROBLEM IF SOMEONE
WANTS TO BELIEVE BS?

IF SOMEONE WANTS TO TREAT ME LIKE SH*T
BECAUSE OF SOMETHING THEY THINK ABOUT ME.....

WHY WOULD I STAY?

I MOVED ON LIKE I HAD A RIGHT TO DO!
HE HAD A RIGHT TO, TOO! I LET HIM!

WHY DO ANYTHING "TOXIC"
FOR JUST BEING DISCARDED?

SET ME FREE! OKAY? DID THAT.

I AM FREE OF ANYONE WHO WOULD DISCARD ME.
WHEN THEY DO THAT. I'M FREE OF IT.

FREE OF THE UNFAIRNESS. OF THE BS.
OF THE ONE-SIDENESS.

OF THE ASSUMPTIONS....
OF WHATEVER BS JUDGEMENTS.... OF ME.

FOR WHAT? JUDGING ME FOR WHAT?
IN THE WORST WAYS FOR WHAT?

DID I DO ANYTHING TO HIM?
EVEN BEFORE WE TRIED TO "RECONNECT"
THE FIRST TIME?

DID HE HAVE ANY ISSUES WITH ME? NO?
BECAUSE I NEVER FKN CREATED ANY!
THAT'S WHY!

BUT FUNNY HOW PEOPLE CAN THINK AND SAY
WHATEVER....
AND THEN PEOPLE CAN TURN ON ME....
JUST LIKE THAT.

WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE....

IF THEY WERE GOING TO BE COMMITTED....
TO MISUNDERSTAND ME......
OKAY! THINK WHATEVER YOU WANT TO!

DOESN'T MEAN THEY WILL EVER UNDERSTAND!
ME OR ANYTHING ABOUT ME!

SO THERE IS NOTHING I CAN "DO OR SAY"
FOR THEM TO SEE ME "CORRECTLY."

RIGHT?

SO THEN... SHOULD I KEEP TRYING?

What Bugs Me Also

If I were "expected to wait for him"
I WOULD HAVE BEEN EXPECTED
TO WAIT 12 FKN YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!

WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING THAT!

YOU SEE?

Did I agree to WAIT? DID I? NO!

REASONABLY, OKAY....
WITHIN REASON, OKAY.

BUT TO BE TREATED THE WAY I WAS TREATED....

THEN..... "HOLD ON FOR 12 YEARS...." WTF?

AND AFTER 12 YEARS? DID I GET RESPECT THEN? NO?

NOW IT'S "WHAT CAN I LOSE?" WHEN THEY LOOK AT ME?
THEY ALREADY LOST! FORFEIT!

THEY ALL KNOW WHAT THEY DID!
THEY CHOSE TO DO IT!

THEY WON'T SAY: "SORRY I CHOSE TO TREAT YOU LIKE DIRT, A***."

"I HAVE LOTS OF OPTIONS! I CAN TREAT A*** LIKE DIRT!"
FK NO!

A*** WALKS AWAY FROM THAT SH*T AND KEEPS WALKING.

IF THEY WANT TO TAKE RISKS, THEY CAN GO FOR IT!

THEY DID THAT.

FOR NOTHING.

THEN THEY WANT TO "SHOOT THEIR SHOT"?
ON WHAT?

ON ANYTHING SOLID? 

ONLY BECAUSE I COULD BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE?

LIKE I SHOULD LET THE BS GO?

LIKE THEY DIDN'T INTENTIONALLY DO WHAT THEY DID?

For More Context

The reason I'm DISAPPOINTED AF....
Is because I knew him a long time ago.

I HAD A GOOD VIEW OF HIM.
I THOUGHT HE WAS A DECENT DUDE....
AT SCHOOL, HE HAD TREATED ME DECENTLY.

When I met him....
I was in a relationship.
I DIDN'T HIDE THAT FROM HIM.

HE KNEW THAT. I WAS HONEST ABOUT THAT.

REMEMBER? I WAS PREGNANT IN HIGH SCHOOL!

YEARS.... AFTER THAT RELATIONSHIP ENDED....
I THOUGHT BACK TO PEOPLE.....
I THOUGHT TREATED ME DECENTLY.....

BECAUSE.... ALL I WANTED.....
AT THAT TIME......
WAS TO JUST......
BE TREATED......
DECENTLY.....

JUST THAT.

NOT THE FKN STARS AND MOON OR ANYTHING CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!

JUST TO BE TREATED DECENTLY.

BY SOMEONE I TRUSTED.....
TO JUST TREAT ME DECENTLY.

THAT WAS WHY I REACHED OUT TO HIM.
INITIALLY.

AFTER SCHOOL.

BECAUSE I THOUGHT:
HE WAS A DECENT DUDE!

THOUGHT A FEW DUDES WERE DECENT! RIGHT?
TRUSTED! RIGHT?

LIKE WHEN MY EX AND I BROKE UP....
I THOUGHT.... ABOUT MIRROR SMASHER....

I HAD FORGOTTEN THAT HE HAD TREATED ME HORRIBLY.
HE FKN DID!

AND THEN..... HE DID AGAIN!

UNTIL I BECAME UNWILLING TO FKN DEAL WITH HIM!
BECAUSE WHY WOULD I ANYMORE?

JUST BECAUSE I THINK A DUDE IS XYZ......
DOESN'T MEAN HE ACTUALLY IS!

IF THE DUDES I THOUGHT WERE DECENT....
WERE DECENT DUDES......

THEY WOULD HAVE JUST BEEN FKN DECENT!

AND THAT'S ALL THEY HAD TO BE TO ME!

JUST THAT! RIGHT?

BUT? WHAT HAPPENED?

WHY WOULDN'T I BE DISAPPOINTED?
WOULDN'T YOU?

I'M SAD, YEAH, BUT IT'S NOT LIKE IT WAS UP TO ME!

IT WAS UP TO THEM TO CHOOSE TO JUST....
BE FKN DECENT!

RIGHT?

So..... In high school.... 
Yeah, I was curious. That's why I thought about HIM.
I WANTED TO GET TO KNOW HIM BETTER.

WANTED HIM TO JUST BE DECENT TO ME...
LIKE I THOUGHT OF HIM.... AS A DECENT GUY.

HOW WAS BEING DISCARDED FOR 12 YEARS SUPPOSED TO FEEL?
GOOD? GREAT?

AND 12 YEARS LATER YOU DON'T GAF HOW THAT FELT?
AND HOW EVERYTHING THAT LED UP TO IT FELT?
HOW FKN DISLOYAL THAT WAS?

AND YOU WANT ME TO TRUST?
AGAIN?
12 YEARS LATER?

12 years...... I was 12 years old......
When I won that CD that he "BORROWED" from me....

WHEN WE WERE 16. I WAS 16.

DRUM AND BASS.

COULDN'T EVEN GIVE MY CD BACK LOL!

BUT.... WHAT HAPPENED?
DIDN'T LISTEN.

SHOULD I BE SURPRISED? I WAS! VERY!
MAYBE THAT'S WHY IT FEELS THE WAY IT DOES!