Mostly

The THING OF THINGS that really p*ssed me off....
Was that he didn't seem to REALIZE why I was upset!

IF HE REALIZED IT.... IT WOULD BE ONE THING, RIGHT?

BUT REFUSING TO REALIZE THINGS...
KINDA P*SSES ME OFF.

ESPECIALLY WHEN I TRIED TO TELL HIM
A BILLION TIMES!

"THAT WAS 12 YEARS AGO!"
YEAH. IT WAS.

THAT ISN'T THE POINT!
THE POINT IS IF HE WON'T REALIZE THAT....

HE'S GOING TO DO THIS SAME SH*T AGAIN.

It stung! It friggin did!

"WE COULDN'T TALK!"
HMMM, WHY IS THAT?

BECAUSE WHEN I WANTED TO, HE DIDN'T?
WHEN HE COULD HAVE JUST....
HEARD ME..... HE DIDN'T?

SEE HOW WE COULD "TALK" THAT TIME?
SEE HOW WELL HE HEARD ME THAT TIME?
JUST LIKE THE OTHER TIMES?

HOW CAN HE BLAME THINGS THAT WEREN'T
THE ISSUE?

BECAUSE THAT'S EASIER?
THAN BLAMING HIMSELF?

IF HE EVEN SAW WHY I'D FIND THAT SH*T INSULTING!
EVEN THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN SOMETHING!

BUT IF A DUDE IS EGOTISTICAL AND SHADY...
HOW FAR IS THAT GOING TO GO?

I'M "TOXIC" BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO ADMIT ANYTHING....

Most of my views are coming from the USA.
I find that interesting. I don't know why, but it is kinda interesting.

And not from Google. A few from there.
But the majority are from "Other."

Whatever that means.

I can't remember if I put this out anywhere.
I don't drive traffic to this. 

Even MY CLOSEST FRIENDS....
DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS.

VERY FEW DO.

I will get off these topics, though, haha.

I've been venting A LOT.

Getting it "off my chest," I guess.
Better than holding it all in.

Just... It's been a lot... Been frustrating...
Aggravating... Infuriating...
Insulting...
Tiring...

A lot of things.

I'm also hoping that fktards.... 
WILL JUST STOP BEING FKTARDS.

FKN FKTARDED. :P

I BET I HAVE SOME HATERS.
USUALLY.... THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES.

NOT A LOT I CAN DO ABOUT THAT.
MOST PEOPLE HAVE HATERS.

I'D LOVE TO WRITE ABOUT SOME POLITICAL STUFF...
BUT I KNOW HOW THAT WOULD GO.

"MENTAL ILLNESS"
AND THEY LITERALLY SEND COPS AROUND
TO PEOPLE'S RESIDENCES
FOR POSTING THINGS ON SOCIAL MEDIA FFS.

EVEN THOUGH? WE ARE SUPPOSED TO HAVE?????
FREEDOM OF SPEECH!!!!!!

UNLESS WE'RE TALKING ABOUT POLITICS!
RIGHT?

HOW DARE WE NOT "CONFORM"!?

THEY CAN "DETAIN" YOU FOR AN "EVALUATION."
A FEW DAYS CAN TURN INTO A FEW WEEKS.
A FEW WEEKS CAN TURN INTO A FEW MONTHS...

ALL BECAUSE YOU HAVE "THOUGHT" 
ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT!!!!!!!!!

AND YOU COULD BE TELLING THE TRUTH!

BUT IF YOU HAVE ANY KIND OF "MENTAL ILLNESS"
THEY USE THAT AGAINST YOU
AND USE IT AS AN EXCUSE
TO HAVE YOU "DETAINED"!

AND "EVALUATED"! FFS!

I DO POST SOME POLITICAL STUFF ON FB.

BUT WATCH PEOPLE BE ALL LIKE:
"SHE'S CRAZY! FOR XYZ!"

YOU KNOW WHAT????

THAT ONE WHO CAME TO MY DOOR TO
"CHECK ON ME."

BECAUSE???? I LEFT A MEETING!

I TOLD THEM WHAT THEY WERE SAYING
IS FKN RIDICULOUS!

THEY WANT TO PUT IT ON US....
AS TENANTS
FOR THEM
TO KEEP US SAFE.

IF THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE KEEPING US SAFE....
SHOULD THAT NOT BE ON THEM?

NO US?

AND THE DUDE WANTED TO "EXPLAIN"
MY OPINION TO ME!

THAT'S WHY I LEFT!

WHY TRY TO "EXPLAIN" MY OPINION TO ME?

IT'S MY OPINION! I KNOW WHY I HAVE IT!

BECAUSE???? IT'S FKN RIDICULOUS!
THAT'S WHY!

IF IT WASN'T.... WOULD I SAY IT WAS???!!!

SO WHY... WOULD I "NEED" SOMEONE TO
"CHECK ON ME"

FOR LEAVING A MEETING?

FOR MY REACTION!
TO SHOWING UP AT MY DOOR!
FOR NO FKN REASON!

"TO CHECK ON ME"
WHEN THEY HAVE NO FKN REASON TO!

THAT'S HOW THEY USE "MENTAL ILLNESS"
AGAINST YOU!

GET IT?

SO THAT IF I CRASHED OUT....
SHE COULD CALL THE COPS ON ME?

LIKE WTF DO YOU EVEN FKN WANT FROM ME????
FFS!

IF I DID THIS SH*T TO PEOPLE?
THAT'D PROBABLY P*SS THEM OFF!

I WAS!

BUT I HAD TO TRY TO BE POLITE....
BECAUSE.... IF I GAVE HER ANY REASON
TO CALL THE COPS....

SHE WOULD DO IT!

AND THEY WOULD LITERALLY KICK IN MY DOOR
IF I REFUSED TO OPEN IT!

ALL KINDS OF BS!

JUST FOR LEAVING A MEETING?
FOR HAVING AN OPINION!

WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING?
ONE OF THE TENANTS WANTED TO START
A TENANT COMMITTEE...

AND THE HOUSING "COMPANY"
DIDN'T WANT TO ALLOW IT...
AND TOLD HIM HE WAS ON "GROUNDS FOR EVICTION"!

"ONLY (THIS COMPANY) CAN HAVE COMMITTEES!"

THEY DON'T WANT ANY OVERSIGHT!
THAT'S WHY!

THEY JUST WANT TO BE FKTARDED.
WITHOUT ANYONE SAYING ANYTHING
ABOUT THEIR FKTARDATION.

THAT'S HOW FKTARDED IT IS...
TO LIVE HERE.

THAT'S WHY I LEFT THAT MEETING.

MOSTLY BEEN STAYING IN MY APT.
WITH THE DOOR LOCKED.

WRITING THESE POSTS... 
CODING AND OTHER STUFF.

MY DAY-TO-DAY IS VERY SIMPLE.
I KEEP IT THAT WAY.

No need to "complicate" it.
WHY DO THAT?

JUST TO DO IT?

I'm Okay With That

As much as some things that happened bugged me...
IT'S OBVIOUS I WAS NOT MEANT TO BE
WITH ANY OF THOSE FKERS.

I AM OKAY WITH THAT!

It's not like I'm NOT okay with that. I am.

But that doesn't mean that some stuff didn't bug me.

The jealousy stuff doesn't bug me.
I didn't think anyone had anything to be jealous of me about....
That's why I didn't think anyone WOULD BE.

Just as surprising as all the views I've been getting on this blog.
Especially recently.

This month... Like 4 times higher than last month.

Not sure how that even happened...

Lots of negative energy towards me....
For???? JUST LIVING MY LIFE?
BEING CREATIVE?
HAVING IDEAS?
DOING STUFF?

Like.... GETTING MAD ABOUT IT!
WHY?

CAN'T BE HAPPY FOR ME?

MOST PEOPLE ARE NOT HAPPY AT ALL!

THEY DON'T KNOW HOW!

TO JUST BE HAPPY!

I'll admit that I've had my share of DEPRESSION.
I ALSO SPENT A LOT OF MY LIFE ANGRY.

DID I KNOW HOW TO BE HAPPY?
APART FROM BEING HAPPY FOR SOMEONE ELSE?
NO?

LIKE 20 YEARS AGO....
WAS I HAPPY?

I WAS WITH SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T WANT TO BE WITH ME!

I WAS NOT HAPPY IN THAT RELATIONSHIP.

I ENDED THAT RELATIONSHIP.

I'M GLAD THAT I DID.

NOTHING WOULD HAVE GOTTEN BETTER!
AND HE WAS NOT THE GUY FOR ME.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHO I WAS!

I BARELY GOT OUT ANYWHERE!

I DIDN'T HAVE MANY FRIENDS!

HE WANTED ME "DOWN."

ESPECIALLY AFTER I ENDED THAT RELATIONSHIP.
HE ALIENATED ME FROM MY KID.

AMONG OTHER THINGS.

MY 20s? I DRANK A LOT.

THAT WASN'T HELPING ME!

WAS I THE BEST VERSION OF MYSELF? NO?

DEFINITELY WASN'T "HAPPY."

You can see that in my writing from back then...

I was "lonely" and DEPRESSED.... 
WASN'T MYSELF...

I PRIORITIZED PEOPLE
WHO DIDN'T PRIORITIZE ME.

I WASN'T WHO I COULD HAVE BEEN....
HAD NO DIRECTION...

ACTUALLY, AND HONESTLY... 
I AM EMBARRASSED THAT I USED TO THINK
THE WAY I USED TO THINK!

IF YOU KNEW MY ENVIRONMENT....
THAT HAD A LOT TO DO WITH IT...

BUT THAT WASN'T ALL OF IT.

I HAD TO STOP PRIORITIZING ANYONE
WHO WEREN'T THERE FOR ME.

IF IT WASN'T MUTUAL... IT SHOULDN'T HAVE
MATTERED AS MUCH AS IT SEEMED TO.

MY SELF-ESTEEM WAS SO FKN LOW!!!!!!!!
LOOK AT WHO I HAD AROUND ME!
JUDGING ME!
EVERYTHING ABOUT ME!
EVERYTHING I DID!
ALL THE FKN TIME!

AND I WAS... JUST AS HARD.... ON MYSELF!!!!!!

BUT??? WASN'T THAT ALL I "KNEW"
AT THAT TIME? YEAH?

I'D BEEN WITH THAT GUY SINCE I WAS 16!!!!!!!

TO ME, IT WAS AN ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP.
WE LIVED TOGETHER.
WE HAD A KID TOGETHER.

BUT???? WHAT DID IT END UP BEING?
WHAT DID IT END UP COSTING?

A LOT?

BUT???? DID IT TEACH ME A LOT? YEAH?

ABOUT MYSELF AND ABOUT "DATING."

EVERY "RELATIONSHIP" I'VE BEEN IN....
TAUGHT ME SOME THINGS.

SOME THINGS I DIDN'T WANT TO LEARN IN THOSE WAYS...
BUT? DID I LEARN? YEAH?

I knew what I wanted, or thought I did, back then....
But I didn't know how rare it actually is.

A lot I didn't see in myself... 
Things I needed all along.

So those times that I'm not exactly "happy"...
I CAN AT LEAST BE "OKAY."

"ALONE."

Been "alone" most of my life!
Why wouldn't I be "okay"? 

It kinda sucks at times, but for the most part...

There are actual upsides to being "alone."

I DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THEIR CRAP!

I NOTICE ALL KINDS OF THINGS!
BUT I DON'T ALWAYS ANNOUNCE IT.

I LET PEOPLE SHOW ME WHO THEY ARE.
THEY DON'T KNOW THEY ARE DOING IT!

PEOPLE TRY TO USE MY "UNDERSTANDING"
TO "HIDE FROM ACCOUNTABILITY."

THEY DON'T SEEM TO "UNDERSTAND"
UNTIL THEY ARE GOING THROUGH THE SAME CRAP
THEY PUT ME THROUGH
WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

HOW THAT "FEELS." UNFAIR. RIGHT?
HOW I FELT. 

HOW I WAS "CRAZY"
FOR???? WANTING HONESTY?
WHEN I COULD HAVE JUST HAD THAT?
AT LEAST?

THEY "GOT USED" TO ME....
LIKE HOW THE SUN COMES UP IN THE MORNING.
IT'S JUST "THERE."

RIGHT?

PEOPLE WOULD MISS IT IF IT "DISAPPEARED." 

NOT JUST AT NIGHTTIME....
FOREVER.

BUT WE PROBABLY WOULDN'T SURVIVE WITHOUT IT.

NOT SAYING NOBODY CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT ME...

ALL THE THINGS I HAD TO FIGHT FOR:
BASIC RESPECT,
BASIC CONSIDERATION, 

THEY HAVE TO FIGHT FOR WITH SOMEONE ELSE....
WHO ALSO WANTS TO "WIN."

LIKE THEY DID!

AND THEY DIDN'T WANT "BETTER"
THEY WANTED TO "WIN!"

BUT WHY LEAVE?
BECAUSE IT WOULD BE LIKE ADMITTING:
THAT I HAD ENOUGH!

AND I DIDN'T "LEAVE" TO BE A B*TCH.
I HAD ENOUGH. SIMPLY THAT.

SO THEY WILL REALIZE....
THEY CAN'T "EXPLAIN" SOMEONE
INTO RESPECTING THEM!

IF SOMEONE DOESN'T WANT TO CHANGE...
THEY WON'T!

JUST LIKE THEY DIDN'T WANT TO! RIGHT?

BUT I "SWITCHED OUT OF NOWHERE!"

"TALKING" WOULD HAVE WORKED... IF IT WAS GOING TO!
IT DIDN'T BECAUSE IT WOULDN'T....

AND I WENT COLD.... RIGHT?

OUT OF NOWHERE?

OR???? OUT OF FRUSTRATION?

AS LONG AS I'M A "VILLAIN"
THEY DON'T HAVE TO "LOOK AT THEMSELVES."

OR "DO ANYTHING."

RIGHT?

I'D "FALL APART" WITHOUT THEM, RIGHT?

THEY NEVER SAW ME.
THEY JUST WANTED A FKN REACTION, RIGHT?
TO SEE IF THEY "MATTER"?

GAMES.

Do I need anyone who wasted my time...
TO FINALLY SEE ME?
HOW FKN UNFAIR IT WAS TO ME?

NO?

I SAW ME. THAT'S ALL I NEEDED.

FK ANYONE WHO COULDN'T!

IF A DUDE WANTS TO ACT LIKE A "FLING."
FK IT. NOT FOR ME.

I WASN'T IN IT FOR THAT.

Anyway... It just seems like some people
WANT ME TO BE STRESSED OUT
BECAUSE THEY ARE.

THAT'S WHY THEY TRY TO POKE AT ME.

AND I SHOULD SEE THAT AND ALREADY KNOW THAT
WHEN THEY ARE FISHING FOR REACTIONS FROM ME.

BUT IT'S NOT SOMETHING I THINK ABOUT ALL THE TIME.

ANTAGONISM. TO GET ME TO "REACT." 

THEY WANT ME TO FEEL LIKE IT'S "MY LOSS."
LOSING WHAT? BS?
YEAH, I LOST BIG, EH? *EYEROLL*

Manipulate me by "running away."
Easier to run and hide.

Okay. Do that.

BUT THEY DO THAT FOR A SENSE OF "CONTROL."
"SILENT TREATMENT"

BECAUSE HE WANTS ME TO FEEL GUILTY
FOR STANDING MY GROUND.

THAT'S HOW HE WANTS TO BE! RIGHT?
OR HE WOULDN'T BE LIKE THAT?

IT'S LIKE HE ACTS OUT OF SPITE.

THE ONLY THING I HAVE SPITE FOR
IS THE BS.

LOSING ME TRYING TO MANIPULATE ME
WITH SILENCE AND DISTANCE.

ISN'T WORKING BECAUSE I DIDN'T COME BACK.

WANTED ME TO COMPROMISE. 
AND FIX IT.
AND BE THE ONE TO REACH OUT.

BUT I DIDN'T!
BECAUSE IT WAS A GAME!

IF YOU DISCARD ME.... I'M GONE.
JUST THAT.

WAS WAITING ON ME
AFTER DISCARDING ME.

"USED TO" LETTING PEOPLE SLIDE ON MISTAKES.

BUT? MOST OF THOSE MISTAKES ARE????
CHOICES!

AND MOST PEOPLE WANT TO TRY TO USE ME
AS A SCAPEGOAT FOR THEIR SH*T.

INSTEAD OF PLAYING GAMES WITH ME....
COULD HAVE??? INTROSPECTED. 
REFLECTED.

THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
THOUGHT ABOUT ME.

BUT??? TOO ARROGANT TO DO THAT!
AND IMPULSIVE.

THE THINGS PEOPLE TRY TO HIDE FROM...
THEY CAN'T "OUTRUN."

EVEN THOUGH THEY TRY TO.

HE CAN PLAY THE EXACT SAME GAMES WITH OTHERS....
AND SEE HOW FAR IT GOES...
AND SEE HOW FAR IT TAKES HIM.

THEY DON'T WANT TO SEE HOW THEY DESTROY 
THINGS WITH ME.

BECAUSE THEY'D KNOW IT.

AND THEY'D SEE THEMSELVES.
THEY DON'T WANT TO!

RISKED IT ALL.

OTHERS WILL SEE WHAT I DID.
BECAUSE HE'LL ACT RECKLESSLY.
NOT JUST WITH ME.

AND HE'LL TRY TO PUT IT ON THEM, TOO.
LIKE HE DID TO ME.

AND THAT WILL P*SS THEM OFF, TOO.
I'M SURE IT WILL!

IT'S INSULTING.

SO DOING THINGS THAT P*SS PEOPLE OFF....
P*SSES THEM OFF???!!!

IMAGINE!

Pleading

SOME DUDES WANTED ME TO PLEAD.
AND TO CRY OVER THEM.

Why would I BEG? FOR THAT????!!!!

THAT'S WHY THEY WANTED ME TO COMPETE.

WHATEVER THEY WANT TO DO WITH WHOMEVER....
IS THEIR PROBLEM. NOT MINE.

That's why it didn't WORK.
LIKE IT WAS "SUPPOSED TO."

I FIND IT GROSS.
TO BE LIKE THAT.

SHOULD I HAVE BEEN DOING THAT? NO?

Why would I do that?
I don't get anything out of that sh*t.

Had me mistaken for someone who would GAF.

THE REASON THEY DO THAT.... IS... TRIANGULATION.
AND THE ONES THEY TRIED TO TRIANGULATE ME WITH....
ARE DOWN WITH IT.

IF YOU HAVE GOOD INTENTIONS
AND THEY DON'T...

YOU'LL EVENTUALLY SEE IT.

IT MIGHT TAKE TIME TO SEE IT....
BECAUSE: WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THAT?
THEY GET SOMETHING OUT OF IT.

THAT'S WHY.

My "dating" life...
Has been a lot of BS like this.

IF I KNEW IT WAS GOING TO BE BS....
WHY WOULD I HAVE BOTHERED?

WOULD I HAVE BOTHERED? NO?

FK NO! I WOULDN'T HAVE.

AND DID ANY OF THOSE FKERS KNOW ME? NO?

THAT SH*T ONLY WORKS ON JEALOUS HOES.
BECAUSE ONLY JEALOUS HOES ACT LIKE JEALOUS HOES.

I "GREW OUT OF" A LOT OF SH*T.

DID I EVER GET JEALOUS? YEAH? A LONG TIME AGO?

LIKE IN THE SECOND GRADE?
TO THE SIXTH GRADE?

WHAT HAPPENED IN THE SIXTH GRADE?
DOES ANYONE KNOW?

MY FATHER.... COMMITTED SU*C*DE.

MAYBE.... I HAD MORE ON MY MIND.... 
THAN BEING "JEALOUS"
OR "COMPARING" MYSELF TO FKN ANYONE.

RIGHT?

THINK I GAF ABOUT "JEALOUSY" SH*T?
AFTER THAT? NO?

Honestly, I'D RATHER BE HAPPY FOR SOMEONE
IF THEY HAVE SOMETHING THAT I WISH I DID.

WHY? BECAUSE IT FKN FEELS BETTER!!!!!!!!!


WHAT FKN BUGGED ME ABOUT 12 YEAR DISCARD......
HE FKN JUDGED THE FK OUT OF ME.

AND POPPED UP LIKE "A***'S DOING BETTER NOW!"
LIKE EVERYTHING I WAS "GOING THROUGH"
"MADE ME" "VOLATILE."

LIKE I HAD NO RIGHT TO BE ANGRY
ABOUT BEING JUDGED TF OUT OF....
MISJUDGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FOR WHAT REASON???? JUST TO DO THAT SH*T????
JUST TO TREAT ME LIKE XYZ?
BASED ON XYZ?????

FFS!!!! NEVER GET A DAMN BREAK!!!!!!!
FROM ANY BS!!!!!!!!!! RIGHT????

AND YOU THINK I WANT TO BE AROUND
ANYONE WHO DOES THAT SH*T????

"I'M GOING TO ASSUME XYZ ABOUT A***!"

SHOULD I ASSUME SH*T ABOUT PEOPLE????
OR SHOULD I GET TO KNOW THEM?

SHOULD I ASK THEM THINGS?
TO "UNDERSTAND" THEM?

HE INTENTIONALLY DRAGGED SH*T OUT.
TO KEEP US "AT ODDS."

12 YEARS FOR 1/4 OF AN APOLOGY????
WHAT KIND OF PROCRASTINATION BS IS THAT?

HE DID A LOT OF SH*T INTENTIONALLY.
IT WASN'T ABOUT CLOSING THAT BS CYCLE.
IT WAS TO KEEP IT GOING.

SO THAT IF I "WELCOMED HIM BACK"
IT WOULD BE "CONTINUED."

WHY WOULD I WANT TO CONTINUE THAT?
JUST TO WASTE MORE TIME?

"LET'S GIVE IT ANOTHER YEAR..."
"SHE'LL BE WAITING FOR ME."

HE DID NOT GAF AND I KNEW HE DIDN'T.
HE SHOWED ME AS MUCH.

"SHE'S DOING BETTER NOW?
LET'S FK THAT UP."

NICE TRY. AND THANKS FOR THAT.

YOU THINK I'M NOT GOING TO GO ON WITH MY OWN LIFE?
LIKE I DON'T HAVE MY OWN LIFE?

TRYING TO PULL ME DOWN.
BECAUSE HE'S FKD UP.

MY STABILITY HAS FK ALL TO DO WITH HIM.
HE CAN FK OFF.

"I'M GOING TO PRETEND TO BE NICE....
THEN I'M GOING TO INSULT HER SOME MORE..."

YOU THINK I'M GOING TO FKN DEAL WITH THAT SH*T?

THAT'S WHERE HE WANTED TO TAKE IT....

EVEN DUDES GET JEALOUS OF ME SOMETIMES.
IF I'M DOING BETTER THAN THEM.

HIS GAMES AND BS.... ARE HOLDING HIM BACK.
I NEVER WAS.

HE HOLDS HIMSELF BACK WITH THAT BS.

IF HE WASN'T DOING THAT....
I MIGHT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO "COMMUNICATE" WITH HIM.
RIGHT?

DIDN'T THINK HE WAS LIKE THAT, BUT I GUESS SO!

SEEMS PERSONAL.
WHEN PEOPLE MAKE SH*T HARDER FOR NO REASON.

WELL, PROBABLY IS A REASON....
THEY DON'T WANT ME TO MOVE AHEAD, MOVE FORWARD...

WANTED ME LOOKING BACK, TO HIM, AND HIS SH*T...
12 YEARS LATER.... RIGHT?

It wasn't even a fkn APOLOGY! 
IT WAS A FKN DEFENSE! 

THAT TURNED INTO ANOTHER "ARGUMENT"
THAT I WASN'T TRYING TO FKN HAVE!!!!!!

WANTED ME TO BE THERE FOR HIM? 
WHAT DID HE WANT?

WHERE TF WAS HE??????????
FOR 12 YEARS????????

WHERE? ANYWHERE? NOWHERE?
NOT IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!

SO HE HAD NO "RIGHT" TO "COME BACK"
LIKE "NOTHING" HAPPENED!

HE ENDED IT!
WHY WOULD I TRUST HIM?

AND USING MY "DIFFICULTIES"
AS A "REASON" AS TO WHY...
I WAS "VOLATILE"????? WTF IS THAT SH*T????

YOU THINK I WANT TO TRUST SOMEONE
WHO TRIES TO USE MY "DIFFICULTIES"
AGAINST ME????

FK NO.

WAS HE LOYAL? HONEST?
ANYTHING TO ME?

OR JUST FKN INSULTING?

BUGS ME, STILL, QUITE A BIT.

FAILED ME AND FAILED HIMSELF.

CAN'T CHANGE THE PAST...
BUT WHY WOULD I WANT THAT??????

ANY REASON WHY I WOULD????
NO?

MY "WORTH" WAS NEVER WAITING AT THE FINISH LINE!
I NEVER HAD TO "SUCCEED" TO BE "WORTHY"
OF WHAT I COULD HAVE HAD.

OF BASIC HUMAN FKN DECENCY!!!!!!!!!!! FFS!!!!!!!!!!

AND HE THINKS HIS FKN DEFENSE WAS WHAT I WAS
"WAITING" FOR.... FOR THE LAST 12 YEARS?????

WHY WOULD I HAVE WANTED TO HEAR FROM HIM AT ALL?????
AFTER ALL THAT SH*T?????

SHOULD I MEASURE MY "WORTH"
BASED ON ANYONE'S INABILITY TO SEE IT?

NO?

SO WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

AND WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE "CLOSE"
TO SOMEONE WHO COULDN'T "SHOW UP"?

IF I MATTERED..... I DID....
IF I DIDN'T.... I DIDN'T.....

BUT HE HAD HIS CHANCE TO FKN DECIDE.
AND I GET TO DECIDE, TOO.

IS ANYONE STANDING BESIDE ME? NO?
NOT HIM. FK HIM.

Probably The Horseradish

Hard to sleep tonight.
Lots on my mind...

The usual stuff...
And thinking about some other stuff.

One thing on my mind is my project... 
I had to pivot a couple of times.

The first time was because someone had the same idea as me.

So I had to work on something else.

But what I have been working on...
Is more intellectual property.

Not the same thing I need for this thing.
So I had to pivot. 
I have an idea... But there are 4 patents already... 
Similar, so I have to work around those
so they don't conflict with those.

I have to cap it at the fact that I wasn't on 
THE SAME PAGE
AS MANY PEOPLE.

If other feelings come up.... They do...
But that's the crux of it.

If we were on the same page....
THINGS WOULD HAVE GONE BETTER!

I'D HOPE ANYWAY!

I'm going to try to crash again....

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm awake now... About the horseradish...
I bought some mayo that has horseradish in it.

Been eating it. Not by itself lol.
But... It is pretty good!

But... It gave me gas lol! 

My stomach's bugging me, but the dang mayo is GOOD!

I like flavored mayo. The dill pickle mayo is pretty good, too.

I forgot I had tuna, so I made a sandwich. Spiceh!
But yummy. 

Been isolating again...

I don't really like going outside when it's cold.
It hasn't gotten really cold yet... 

It's already snowed in Alberta. Yuck.
They can keep that crap over there!

Not ready for it.

But it's coming... Soon probably.

Eating my feelings, I guess.
If I had more food... Ca-Chunk! Ca-Chunk! 

People would hear me coming and hide the tacos!

"A***'s coming! Hide the tacos!"

Actually, I need like 20 pounds just to be "healthy."

My neighbor's been bringing me food, and we've been smoking weed.
He knows I have a hard time with food and have been losing weight.

He told me what the hollering outside was about the other day...
I heard it... Around 5am or something like that... 

Anyway, with Mirror Smasher.... 
He had people USING HIM.

THEY DIDN'T WANT ME "IN THE PICTURE."
SO THEY WANTED HIM TO SABOTAGE IT.
THE ONLY WAY THEY COULD DO THAT....
WAS TO FK WITH HIS HEAD ABOUT ME.

THEY SUCCEEDED.

TRIED TO TELL HIM.... BUT DID HE WANT TO LISTEN?

"WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

HE LISTENED TO EVERYONE WHO WANTED HIM TO THINK:
"SHE'S XYZ."
SO HE WOULD TREAT ME LIKE XYZ.
TO PUSH ME AWAY.

I KNEW IT WAS HAPPENING....
BUT WHAT COULD I DO ABOUT THAT?

THE SAME THING HAPPENED WITH 12-YEAR DISCARD.
BECAUSE HE HAD NO REASON
TO LOOK AT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY....
THAN HE DID AT THE BEGINNING...
BECAUSE I HADN'T DONE ANYTHING TO HIM.

I HAD PURE INTENTIONS.
EVERYONE WHO DIDN'T.... KNEW THIS.

IT BUGS ME THAT PEOPLE LITERALLY
WON'T STAY OUT OF MY BUSINESS.

IF I'M GOING TO WRITE ABOUT IT....
THAT'S ONE THING....

BUT... BREAKING MY TRUST WITH SOMEONE?

JUST BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO USE HIM?
AND "CONTROL" HIM?

BUT OF COURSE HE'D BELIEVE EVERYONE HE LISTENED TO
OVER ME.

BECAUSE "WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

THE REASON I DGAF ABOUT MY "REPUTATION"
IS THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE
GO OUT OF THEIR WAY....
TO TRY TO "WRECK" IT....
AND TRY TO "WRECK" ME....

BECAUSE THEY HATED ME ALL ALONG!

WHY? BECAUSE IF HE CHOSE ME...
HIS LIFE WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT!

MAYBE HE WOULD HAVE MADE SOME CHANGES!
FOR HIMSELF AND HIS LIFE!

CHANGES THEY DIDN'T WANT HIM TO MAKE!

BECAUSE? IN THE BEGINNING.... THINGS WERE GOOD!
SO WHY NOT "WRECK" IT?

"TURN HIM COLD TO HER!" *SMILES*
"UNTIL SHE CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" *SMILES*

"WE CAN'T LET THEM GET CLOSE!" *SMILES*

I WAS "IN THE WAY" OF WHAT THEY WANTED FROM HIM!

THIS WAS NOT THE FIRST TIME...
BUT THIS TIME IT WAS THE MOST EVIDENT.

"IF WE SEPARATE THEM, HE WON'T LEVEL UP!" *SMILES*
"IF HE DOESN'T LEVEL UP, WE CAN MANIPULATE HIM!" *SMILES*

ALL I WANTED WAS FOR HIM TO SEE THAT...
AND THAT I HAD TO FKN "ENDURE" THAT SH*T....
AND WHY IT EVEN HAPPENED....

BUT???? "WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

BOTH TARGETED. THAT'S WHY....
BUT??? "WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

I NEVER SAW MYSELF AS ANYONE ANYBODY WOULD BE
JEALOUS OF.

WHY WOULD THEY BE? RIGHT?
JUST A REGULAR PERSON.

PEOPLE WHO "BENEFIT" FROM OTHERS....
DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE TO!

AND IF ANYONE "THREATENS" THAT....
THEY ARE "IN THE WAY" OF THAT.

AND I WASN'T EVEN THERE FOR THAT SH*T!

BUT TRY TO FKN TELL HIM THAT!
OR FKN ANYONE THAT!

OR FKN ANYTHING....
BECAUSE: "WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

THEY DON'T! SO? ANY POINT IN TRYING TO TELL THEM?
FKN ANYTHING? NO?

LET THEM THINK AND "BELIEVE" WHATEVER THEY ARE TOLD....
ABOUT ME OR WHATEVER ELSE.

FOR WHATEVER THEY DID IT FOR....

BUT THAT SH*T HAPPENS MORE THAN I'D LIKE IT TO.

PEOPLE COULD JUST FK OFF AND NOT "INTERFERE."
BUT THEY DO THIS SH*T.

GROWN @SS ADULTS DO THIS SH*T.

"HATE A***! TREAT HER LIKE SH*T!" *SMILES*
"I'LL SPRINKLE A BIT OF TRUTH ON TOP OF THE LIES!" *SMILES*

CHARACTER ASSASSINATION! 

"IF THEY FEEL SORRY FOR ME, THEY'LL HELP ME." *SMILES*
"I'LL USE THEIR PITY AGAINST THEM!" *SMILES*

"I'LL PRETEND TO BE A VICTIM SO I CAN PLAY THEM!" *SMILES*

THEY NEEDED THEM TO MAKE A MOCKERY OF ME....

"DON'T WORRY, IT'S JUSTIFIABLE!" *SMILES*

BUT LET'S NOT "FACT-CHECK" THE LIES. RIGHT?

"A***, DID YOU DO XYZ TO HER?" FK NO.

BUT DOES ANYONE EVER ASK ME?

"THIS (LIE) ABOUT A***... IS WHY YOU NEED TO FEEL BAD FOR ME."

"I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH HER.... SHE'S DOING XYZ (LIE)."

NEVER ASK ME ABOUT WHAT I'M SUPPOSEDLY DOING? 

YOU THINK MY OWN MOTHER WANTED ME TO BE WITH HIM?
WHO DO YOU THINK TOLD ME: "YOU'LL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN!"
WHEN SHE KNEW I LOVED THE GUY!
SINCE I WAS LIKE 2 YEARS OLD! FFS!

DO YOU THINK SHE EVER CARED ABOUT MY FEELINGS?

MY GRANDMOTHER TOLD ME:
"YOU'LL SEE HIM AGAIN ONE DAY."

BECAUSE I WAS FKN BAWLING FOR DAYS AND DAYS.

BUT WHY NOT QUESTION ALL THE LIARS, ALL THE LIES... ETC.

WHY NOT QUESTION WHY THEY ARE DOING THAT?

WHY DO THEY WANT YOU TO BELIEVE IT?

WHY IS IT SO EASY TO BELIEVE LITERALLY ANYTHING?

ABOUT ME?

BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW ME?

BECAUSE IF YOU DID....
IT WOULDN'T MAKE SENSE THAT I'D DO THAT SH*T.

BECAUSE I MOSTLY HAVE VERY LITTLE TO DO WITH ANYONE!

I DEFINITELY DON'T GO OUT OF MY WAY
FOR SOME BS.

1) I DON'T HAVE THE TIME FOR THAT SH*T
2) THAT SH*T COMES BACK IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER

BUT WHO'S ACTUALLY BEEN LOYAL TO ME?
ENOUGH TO ASK ME?

BUT.... IT'D HAVE TO BE SOMETHING FKD UP...
THAT I'D DENY IF I WAS ASKED.

RIGHT?

ONE THING I LEARNED ABOUT LYING....
IS THAT MOST PEOPLE WHO LIE.....

HAVE A REASON TO DO IT.

VERY RARE THAT PEOPLE LIE FOR NO REASON.

I ALWAYS HATED LYING.
IT'S EASIER AND BETTER TO JUST BE HONEST.

WHEN I WAS LIKE 7 YEARS OLD....
I'D GET HIT FOR SAYING "I DON'T KNOW."

EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T KNOW!!!!!!!!!

THE POS THOUGHT I WAS LYING!
SO HE HIT ME FOR SAYING "I DON'T KNOW!"

SO I ACTUALLY WOULD LIE....
BECAUSE "THE TRUTH" GOT ME HIT!

I FKN HATED DOING IT TOO!

IT WAS TO TELL THE TRUTH AND GET HIT FOR IT....
OR MAKE SOMETHING UP....
WHAT DO YOU THINK I DID?

AND THEN MY FRIENDS WOULD GET IN TROUBLE!
FOR NOTHING!
BECAUSE I LIED!

I FKN HATED IT!
I WAS HAPPY WHEN THAT POS LEFT!
HE WAS A POS!!!!!!!!!!! BIG TIME!!!!!!!!!

I THINK HE'S DEAD NOW.

I SAW HIM DOWNTOWN, ONCE.
I HAD A WE@P0N WITH ME...

I SHOWED IT TO HIM....
AND SAID, "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID."

HE FKN RAN!!!!!!!!! SCARED OF ME!!!!!!!!!

IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST SATISFYING THINGS! EVER!
I'M NOT 7 YEARS OLD ANYMORE, FKN POS!

ANYWAY, THAT WAS WHEN I LEARNED ABOUT LYING.
BECAUSE I HADN'T BEEN TAUGHT TO DO IT.
ANY OTHER WAY THAN THAT.

AND I HATED DOING IT, SO I FKN DON'T.

NEVER FELT "GOOD" TO ME, TO LIE.
SO WHY WOULD I WANT TO?

NOTHING IS WORTH LYING TO HAVE.
IF IT'S NOT GOING TO COME TO ME, HONESTLY, 
IT'S NOT WORTH IT TO ME.

HAD THOSE FKERS.... NOT BEEN INTERFERING....
AND LYING ABOUT ME....

ETC...

MAYBE THINGS WOULD HAVE COME TO ME, HONESTLY!

BUT DO I "CONTROL" WHO DOES WHAT?
WHY?

DO I "CONTROL" WHAT PEOPLE "BELIEVE" ABOUT ME?

WHO CAN'T KEEP MY NAME OUT OF THEIR MFKN MOUTHS?
NO. I DON'T CONTROL THAT.

BUT???? THE QUESTION IS: WHY WERE THEY DOING IT????

AND... WHY DID THAT "WORK"?
AND... WHY DO I KEEP TO MYSELF?

AND.... WHY WOULD I BE "UPSET" ABOUT THAT?

AND WHERE ARE MY "APOLOGIES"?
AND WHAT WOULD THAT EVEN "FIX" ANYWAY?

IT WAS TO DISTRACT THEM AND ME.
MOSTLY.

BUT IF IT WASN'T FOR THIS HUGE FKN "CAMPAIGN"
I WOULDN'T HAVE EVEN SEEN IT.

I NEVER THOUGHT ANYONE WOULD HAVE ANY REASONS
TO DO THAT SH*T!

CONVINCING PEOPLE (WITH LIES)
TO HATE ME....

IF I WAS DOING IT?
WOULD ANYONE RESPECT ME FOR DOING IT? NO?

THEN WHY WOULD I DO THAT SH*T?

NOT LIKE MANY ACTUALLY RESPECT ME...
IF THEY DID.... THEY WOULD HAVE ASKED ME!

RIGHT?