Changes (Part 2)

The fact is, overall, when you discard someone...
For 12 years.... They don't even have to talk to you
LET ALONE WELCOME YOU BACK.

THAT'S THE TRUTH.

"I REFUSE TO TALK TO YOU"
THEN? "I WANT TO TALK" 12 YEARS LATER?

Sorry, but it's still bugging me.

Wasn't good enough to be there, right?
So then?

Besides, he wasn't being honest.
Honest people don't play games like that.

I want to put it behind me again. 

I've put a lot behind me.
Even a lot of the things I bring up as examples
are behind me.

Just because something bugs me...
Doesn't mean it isn't behind me.

"Then why would it still bug you, A***?"

Maybe some things are still audacious to me.

IMAGINE I WAS THAT ARROGANT OR ENTITLED?
TO EXPECT HIM TO WELCOME ME BACK
INTO HIS LIFE?

AFTER 12 YEARS?

"I HOPE HE FORGETS HOW I TREATED HIM..."
"HE'S DOING BETTER NOW, MAYBE I CAN GET XYZ FROM HIM."

OR WHATEVER TF HIS PLAN WAS...

I'D HAVE TO BE PRETTY ARROGANT
AND ENTITLED TO THINK THAT!

RIGHT?

AND JUST IGNORE THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM
WHEN I "RETURN" OUT OF "NOWHERE...."

AND GET MAD THAT I DON'T WANT TO IGNORE IT.
REAL TALK OR STFU.

GET THE ELEPHANT OUT OF THE ROOM.
NO IGNORING IT.

GET IT OUT.

OR GTFO.

IF YOU ARE THE REASON THERE IS AN ELEPHANT
IN THE ROOM....
DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
OR FK OFF.

LIKE I WOULD HAVE TO....
IF I WAS THE REASON FOR IT.

BUT IF I DON'T ACT LIKE THAT....
AM I THE REASON FOR IT?

OR IS ACTING LIKE THAT... THE REASON FOR IT?

I DIDN'T THINK I'D HAVE TO BE THIS WAY....

AND THIS IS ONLY A SETBACK.

ACTING LIKE THAT.... WASN'T FAIR.... TO ME.
IF THAT CAN'T BE ACKNOWLEDGED....

WHAT ELSE?

BARELY ACKNOWLEDGING IT....
ISN'T ACKNOWLEDGING IT.

1/18TH.... ISN'T ACKNOWLEDGING IT.

1/18TH? TO PRETEND THAT YOU ARE?
TO MAKE IT SEEM THAT YOU ARE?

BUT ARE YOU?

THAT'S SOME BS!

SHOULD I ONLY LISTEN TO 1/18TH?

JUST TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE I'M LISTENING?
WHEN I SHOULD BE LISTENING?

LIKE WHAT THEY SAY....
MATTERS?

LIKE I'M THINKING ABOUT
WHAT THEY ARE SAYING?

WOULD BE COOL! TO BE HEARD LIKE THAT!
RIGHT?

BUT? "WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"
MAY AS WELL SAY:
"NOTHING YOU SAY MATTERS TO ME.
BECAUSE YOU DON'T.
IF YOU DID, IT WOULD."

SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?

I'M TELLING YOU THIS....
BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE
ACTUALLY THINK LIKE THIS
AND ACTUALLY FEEL LIKE THIS.

SOME PEOPLE THINK VERY DIFFERENTLY THAN I DO....
MOST DO, ACTUALLY.
WHICH IS OKAY....

BUT BECAUSE THEY THINK DIFFERENTLY....

I HAVE TO TRY TO FIGURE OUT HOW THEY THINK....
BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE OPERATE
BASED ON HOW THEY THINK.

AND FFS!!! I NEVER SAW ALL THAT BS COMING!
ON ME FOR THINKING SOME PEOPLE
WERE MORE MATURE THAN THEY ACTUALLY ARE!

THAT'S ON ME FOR THINKING THAT! OKAY? ON ME.

EVEN THOUGH THEIR MATURITY
IS ON THEM.

SOME PEOPLE PREFER A VERSION OF ME
THAT MAKES IT EASIER
TO TRY TO JUSTIFY THEIR BEHAVIOR
TOWARDS ME.

THEY WANTED ME TO KEEP TRYING TO REPAIR
"RELATIONSHIPS"
THAT THEY INTENTIONALLY DAMAGED.

BECAUSE IT WAS A "DYNAMIC"
THAT MADE THEM COMFORTABLE.

RIGHT?

BECAUSE ACCOUNTABILITY....
AKA REAL TALK
ISN'T COMFORTABLE.

AND THEY DON'T LIKE IT.

SO? BOOM! "A***'S XYZ!"

THEY WERE CONVINCED THEY COULD JUST XYZ!

THEY HAD A PICTURE OF HOW I WOULD "REACT."
THEY THOUGHT ALL THEY HAD TO DO
WAS PROVOKE ME HARD ENOUGH....

PEOPLE SPEAK ABOUT ME LIKE THEY KNOW ME!
THEIR OPINIONS WEREN'T FACTS!

IF I'M NOTHING.... WHY TALK ABOUT ME AT ALL?

TO GIVE A FALSE IMPRESSION? MAYBE?

MAYBE THAT WAS THE PROBLEM?

BECAUSE IT CREATED OTHER PROBLEMS?

BEING FOOLED BY FALSE IMPRESSIONS
ISN'T SO SMART.

RIGHT?

IMAGINE BEING UNITED ON ASSUMPTIONS?
ABOUT SOMEONE?

SOME MISUNDERSTANDINGS WEREN'T INNOCENT.

DO THEY GET ACCESS TO MY SIDE OF THE STORY?
OR TO ME?

OR CAN I REVOKE THAT?
WAS THE ARGUMENT ONLY TO KEEP ME OCCUPIED?

YEAH?

WHEN PEOPLE DON'T HAVE REASONS TO DISLIKE ME
IT SEEMS SOMEONE HAS TO GIVE THEM SOME.
EVEN IF THEY MAKE SH*T UP ABOUT ME
TO "AGREE" ABOUT
AND UNITE ON.

"WHY DIDN'T A*** XYZ WHEN SHE HAD EVERY REASON TO BE UPSET?"
"IF A*** COULD HAVE XYZ.... AND WAS XYZ... WHY DIDN'T SHE XYZ....?"

MAYBE A*** WASN'T XYZ!

IF ANYONE HAD ASKED ME WHAT HAPPENED?

BUT WHAT HAPPENED? DID THEY?

DID THEY ASK ME WHY I DROPPED IT?
BECAUSE IT WASN'T WORTH IT TO ME ANY MORE?

WASN'T WORTH A FK TO THEM, EH?

AM I RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT?

HOW WAS I "PORTRAYED"?
WHEN SOMEONE DIDN'T GET WHAT THEY WANTED?

MAYBE BEING PORTRAYED A CERTAIN WAY....
WAS SOMETHING.

IF SOMEONE WANTS TO LOOK AT A PORTRAYAL OF ME....
AND THINK THAT IS ME.... 

WHAT ARE THEY LOOKING AT? A PORTRAYAL?

AM I ME?
OR A PORTRAYAL OF ME?

"LOOK AT THIS PORTRAYAL OF A*** EVERYONE!"
BUT DON'T ASK THE REAL A*** ANYTHING...

OR TALK TO HER ABOUT HER SIDE OF ANYTHING...

THEY DON'T WANT TO ADMIT
THAT THEY WERE WRONG ABOUT ME.
AND ACTED ON IT.

WITHOUT KNOWING ANYTHING ABOUT ME.

BECAUSE THAT SH*T IS EMBARRASSING.
RIGHT?

SHOULD BE!

WHAT IF THEY GOT XYZ WRONG....
AND THEN.... DIDN'T KNOW XYZ
BECAUSE THEY TOOK XYZ FOR GRANTED...

AND WANTED EVERYONE TO USE THAT SCOPE
TO LOOK AT ME?

AND THEN? THEY DID!

IMAGINE!

THEY GET "USED TO ME"
BECAUSE THEY GOT TOO "COMFORTABLE" WITH ME...

AND THEN I WAS JUST.... XYZ.

THEY MISTAKE SOME THINGS FOR OTHER THINGS.

THEY NEED XYZ.... THAT THEY GOT FROM ME....

BUT THEY DISMISSED XYZ ABOUT ME....

AND DISMISSED ME.

RIGHT?

THEY ONLY VALUE IT WHEN THEY NEED IT. RIGHT?
SOMETHING ABOUT ME.

THEY THINK THEY WILL FIND IT IN EVERYONE.
SO THEY GO LOOK.

OKAY.

MY REPUTATION ISN'T BUILT ON OPINIONS ONLY.

I DO HAVE SOME QUALITIES.

WHY WERE THEY RELUCTANT TO "COOPERATE"?
AND REFUSE TO?

MAYBE THAT'S REQUIRED. RIGHT?

HOW FAR CAN ANYONE GET WITHOUT IT?
ANYWHERE?

ASKING FOR COOPERATION REPEATEDLY....
WASN'T GOING TO GET ME COOPERATION!

RIGHT?

I CAN CHOOSE TO JUST COOPERATE WITH PEOPLE
WHO ACTUALLY COOPERATE!

RIGHT?

I CAN HAVE A LIFE WHERE I DON'T HAVE TO WONDER
IF SOMEONE ACTUALLY REALLY CARES OR NOT.

WOULDN'T THAT BE A BETTER LIFE?
AND A BETTER WAY TO LIVE?

WHY WOULD I WANT TO WONDER?
IF THEY ACTUALLY FKN CARE OR NOT?

WHY WOULD I WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT?

LIKE "PUT A*** ON THE SHELF FOR 12 YEARS!"
WTF IS THAT?

WAY TO SAY: "A*** I CARE ABOUT YOU!"

FK! 

HEARD.... APPRECIATED... 
AND JUST SECURITY.

KNOWING.... "SHE'S NOT ALWAYS GOING TO BE HERE."
"I'D LIKE TO JUST.... TREAT HER LIKE I RECOGNIZE SOME THINGS."

THAT IS ALL. AS THOUGH I MATTER TO THEM.
THAT.

I CAN'T BUILD WITHOUT CONSIDERATION
AND WITHOUT COOPERATION.

MY VALUE EXISTED BEFORE ANYONE RECONSIDERED ANYTHING.
I WAS WORTH KEEPING.

BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE "KEPT" BECAUSE OF THAT.

WHAT I WANTED:
"I LIKE HER BECAUSE I KNOW HER."

BUT HOW DID THAT GO?

LIKE A MONTY PYTHON SKETCH....
IF THEY HAD ONE....
WHERE SOMEONE IS TRYING TO CONVINCE
EVERYONE THAT A PAINTING OF SOMEONE
IS THE REAL PERSON.

WHEN YOU LOOK AT IT THAT WAY, 
IT'S HILARIOUS.

Changes

I feel like.... Something might happen.

Something pretty decent....
And something.... I don't know yet.

Some people try to talk sh*t like...
TRYING TO TELL ME WHAT I THINK.
BECAUSE THEY THINK
THAT I THINK SOMETHING.

STRANGE.

I do feel the seasonal change.... But it's not just that.
You know how creatures prepare for winter...

It feels like I'm "preparing" for something, but energetically.

Anyway, I will admit that I was in a fktarded place at one time.
BECAUSE OF UNHEALTHY SH*T
THAT I HAD TO LET GO OF.

I KNOW THAT PEOPLE CAN CHANGE.

12 YEAR DISCARD COULD CHANGE, YEAH.
BUT I REMEMBER A LOT OF CRAP.

PUSHED ME AWAY.
SO? WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE CLOSE?
HARD TO TRUST? YEAH?
FOR ME, TOO.
BECAUSE OF THAT.

I get that people can be so fktarded....
THAT THEY DON'T SEE IT.

BUT FKTARDED PEOPLE
CAN'T HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.
OR PARTNERSHIP.

I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH THAT SH*T.

BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. Y'KNOW?

WOULD ANYONE EVEN KNOW ME? NO?

SO I DON'T EXPECT TO HAVE ANYTHING.
WHY WOULD I?

When someone was made to feel like they weren't worth sh*t....
It's easy to project that sh*t onto people....

INSTEAD OF NOT DOING IT.
JUST NOT DOING IT.

KIND OF HOW MIRROR SMASHER ACTED
WHEN I TOLD HIM. 

WHAT I HAD TO.
OTHERWISE THAT WOULD HAVE... 
JUST....

BUT... HOW DID THAT GO?

WHY DID I?
NOT SURE ANYMORE.

I THOUGHT SOME THINGS, I GUESS.
I WAS WRONG. THAT'S OKAY.

IT'S EASY TO CHOOSE WHAT THEY WERE USED TO.
WHAT THEY THOUGHT WAS... 

"LOVE."

BUT A LOT OF WHAT I THOUGHT IT WAS...
FROM GROWING UP FKTARDEDLY....

WASN'T THAT.

A LOT OF MY RELATIONSHIPS....
WERE FKD UP.... 
BECAUSE 

1) I WAS FKD UP
2) THE PERSON I WAS WITH WAS FKD UP

3) WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WASN'T FKD UP

A LOT OF AVOIDANCE.

SOME OF IT I STILL DO, BUT.... SOME OF IT I DON'T.

SOMEONE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT IDENTITY.
SHE WAS SAYING THAT.... WE BECAME HOW WE BECAME
BECAUSE OF OUR EXPERIENCES...
ESPECIALLY IN CHILDHOOD.

DRINKING... WAS AN AVOIDANCE.

BECAUSE THERE WERE A LOT OF THINGS....
*COUGH* (FEELINGS)
I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH.

AND THINGS I DIDN'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT
BECAUSE:

1) I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO THINK ABOUT
2) SOME THINGS I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT
3) I WAS USED TO THINKING ABOUT SOME THINGS
4) I WASN'T USED TO THINKING ABOUT SOME THINGS

I HAD TO GET USED TO THINKING ABOUT SOME THINGS.

NOT EASY. ESPECIALLY HARD THINGS TO THINK ABOUT.
NOT FUN.

BUT THERE ARE THINGS I WASN'T THINKING ABOUT.

I WASN'T READY TO.

BUT WHEN DID I BECOME READY TO?
WHEN I HAD TO HOLD MY OWN FEET TO THE FIRE.

TO DO THAT FOR MYSELF.

WHAT IS WEIRD TO ME....
IS HE POPPED UP AROUND THE TIME MY FRIEND AND I
HUNG OUT.

I GUESS THE RUMOR STARTED THAT I STARTED DATING LOL!

WAS HE COMING AT ME OUT OF JEALOUSY?

LIKE "A***'S STARTING TO DATE AGAIN!"
"BETTER GET IN THERE!"?

WAS I EVEN DATING, THOUGH?
OR DID I HAVE LUNCH WITH A FRIEND?

WHY BE WATCHING ME IN MY "LOVE LIFE"
WASN'T HE "TOO BUSY" DOING XYZ?

I DON'T EVEN HAVE A LOVE LIFE!

WANTED TO ARGUE WITH ME ONE LAST TIME?
FOR WHAT?

HAD NOTHING TO SAY TO ME FOR 12 YEARS....
THEN BAM! "HERE I AM!"

JUST SEEMED WEIRD.

"A*** WAS IN PUBLIC WITH A MALE! OMG!"
"PANIC IN THE DISCO!"

Not sure why I've felt like this, actually.

It does feel like an "ending," but I ended it
BECAUSE HE ALREADY DID.

I FEEL KIND OF ON A CUSP.
LIKE I'M GRASPING FOR PEACE 
THAT I THOUGHT I HAD...
BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT ANYTHING FROM HIM.
DEFINITELY NOT 12 YEARS LATER...

AND HOW HE ACTED... WHEN I DIDN'T WANT TO
GO THROUGH THAT AGAIN....

SAID THAT I'D HAVE TO... NO THANKS.

BUT ANOTHER VERSION OF ME
WOULD HAVE TOLD HIM TO FK OFF.
I DIDN'T.

I TOLD MIRROR SMASHER TO FK OFF, THOUGH.
HE PUSHED ME TO THAT POINT.

I THINK THAT SH*T WAS SO I COULD...
COME HOME.

MAYBE THAT'S WHAT THAT FEELING IS.

BUT ALSO GRIEF, AGAIN.
I FELT THAT GRIEF FEELING WHEN THINGS WERE CHANGING.
WHEN I FIRST QUIT DRINKING.

MAYBE HE FELT THAT BECAUSE HE WAS GETTING SOBER,
BUT THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

JUST THE BACK-AND-FORTH CRAP.... DID THAT SH*T.
JUST HAVE A DAMN CONVO!
IF YOU CAN'T.... JUST FK OFF.

BEING LEFT LIKE THAT....
SHOWED ME SOME THINGS.
THAT SH*T HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

THAT SH*T WAS BACK THEN. RIGHT?
AND IF HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN MY LIFE...
HE WOULD HAVE BEEN IN IT.

WAS HE TRYING TO "TEMPT" ME OR SOMETHING?
LIKE "THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED IN THE PAST..."

TO SEE HOW I WOULD MOVE?

MY TEST?

I KEEP TRYING TO SLEEP. IT'S NOT HAPPENING.

IT WILL. JUST A LOT GOING ON IN MY HEAD.

WITH THIS PROJECT... AND OTHER THINGS.

I'M THINKING ABOUT PUTTING SOMEONE ON IT
WITH ME.

WE'LL SEE.
I CAN ASK AND OFFER. RIGHT?

AND IF I HAVE TO DO THIS ONE ON MY OWN...
THAT IS OKAY.... BUT IT IS AN OPPORTUNITY
AND IT'S ONLY FOR SOMEONE I CAN TRUST.

OTHERWISE I'LL DO IT "ALONE."

LIKE MOST THINGS HAHA.

---------------------------------------

The kind of tired.... I can't fix it with sleep.

Where was his "I want to talk" in the last 12 years?
WHEN I WAS RIGHT THERE?

AND WHEN I WANTED TO TALK?
WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I WANTED TO TALK?

ALL OF A SUDDEN, I'M "TOXIC" AS AN "EXCUSE"
NOT TO TALK TO ME?

HE LITERALLY SAID TO ME:
"YOU'RE ONLY ANGRY BECAUSE YOU'RE DRUNK!"

I QUIT DRINKING SO HE WOULDN'T HAVE ANY 
"AMMUNITION"!

THAT'S HOW I KNOW IT'S BEEN 12 YEARS!

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN SOBER FOR 12 YEARS!

NOT BECAUSE I WAS COUNTING THE DAYS
OR SOME SH*T LIKE THAT.

ONCE HE BOUNCED... SO DID I.

THOUGHT HE BOUNCED, THOUGH.
SO WHY COME "BACK"?

TO DO SOME MORE BS?
OR TRY SOME?

Anyway.... Why act entitled to me coming back?
NOBODY IS ENTITLED
TO ACCESS ME.

NOT 12 YEARS LATER.
NOT AFTER THAT SH*T.

THAT BOTHERED ME. A LOT.

WHY BE A D*CK TO ME
AND TRY TO ACT LIKE THEY DIDN'T?

LIKE THEY WEREN'T?
FKN ARROGANCE.

That grinds my gears so much!

HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO'S DONE
SIMILAR THINGS.

ANYWAY..... I NEED TO GET THIS OFF MY MIND.

SOMEONE WAS SAYING THAT THERE'S A WAY
TO GET UNSTUCK FROM THIS.

THERE IS.
I'VE BEEN OUT OF THIS BEFORE.

OUT OF IT AND AWAY FROM IT.

I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE TO GRAB SOMETHING SOON.
BEFORE THE STORE CLOSES.

WHAT BUGS ME IS HOW SOMEONE WHO DID ME WRONG
WANT TO PLAY THE VICTIM.

LIKE I HURT THEM JUST BECAUSE IF THEY CAN'T DO "REAL TALK"
THERE ISN'T A POINT IN TALKING.

RIGHT?

REAL TALK OR STFU.

WHAT'S GONE IS GONE. RIGHT?
DONE IS DONE. GONE IS GONE.

ANYWAY, I SHOULD GET OUT THERE.
GET THAT STUFF.... BRB.

It's Sad (Part 3)

WHY WAIT 12 YEARS FOR ME TO "CHASE"?
IF YOU DISCARD ME.... YOU WON'T HEAR FROM ME.
SIMPLE.

I shouldn't have even "responded" to his "attempt."
BECAUSE I KNEW IT WASN'T GOING TO GO ANYWHERE.

HE ONLY DISCARDED ME AGAIN ANYWAY?

AFTER I REMINDED HIM THAT HE DISCARDED ME?

To try to get me to "chase" him.
JUST FKN STRANGE. 

Sorry that I keep writing about it. It's just strange to me.

LIKE HOW DO YOU RESENT SOMEONE
FOR REMINDING YOU THAT YOU DISCARDED THEM?

AND THEN WAIT 12 YEARS?
Just doesn't make much sense to me.

"I HAVE POWER IF A*** CHASES ME!
WHY ISN'T SHE CHASING ME???!!!"

WHY WOULD I?????

"I'LL MAKE HER THINK ABOUT ME!
SHE'LL WANT ME IF SHE THINKS SHE CAN'T HAVE ME!"

NO.... I DON'T WANT SOMEONE
WHO ACTS LIKE THEY DON'T WANT ME.

IT'S MORE BS THAN I NEED IN MY LIFE.

TRYING TO FK WITH MY HEAD IS BS.

JUST BECAUSE I THOUGHT SOMETHING COULD HAPPEN...
AND WANTED SOMETHING SOLID....

DOESN'T MEAN I WOULD WAIT FOR IT....
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE... FFS.

IF SOMEONE IS SHOWING ME:
I'M NOT READY FOR SOMETHING REAL.....

THEN THEY AREN'T!

REALLY..... HOW MANY TIMES DID THEY HAVE TO SHOW ME?
ANY OF THEM?

HOW MANY TIMES?

TOO MANY?

IT SEEMS SO!

TOO MANY TIMES!

So this is why my love life.... LACK OF ONE....
HAS BEEN FOOKED!

SO FOOKED THAT I DO NOT CARE TO HAVE ONE!

BECAUSE IT'S.... A WASTE OF TIME
TO WASTE MY TIME!

OR TO ALLOW ANYONE TO WASTE IT.

I LEARNED THIS.
I CAN'T GET MY TIME BACK! OKAY? I CAN'T.
NEITHER CAN YOU.

WHICH MEANS I SHOULD QUIT MOANING ABOUT THIS SH*T.
NOT THAT I'M EXACTLY MOANING ABOUT IT.

JUST BEEN SAD ABOUT IT. I GUESS.

Sure..... It could have been meaningful.
Just that.

I thought it would be because I thought it could have been.

DID I THINK I WAS GOING TO BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED?
DID THEY APPRECIATE WHAT WAS BEING OFFERED?

IF I THOUGHT HE WOULD TAKE ME FOR GRANTED....
WOULD I HAVE BOTHERED?

IT BUGS ME THAT MOST PEOPLE WHO KNOW ME....
DO THAT, TOO.

WOULD IT BE COOL IF THEY DIDN'T?

BUT? I'D RATHER BE "ALONE."
LIKE LEFT ALONE
IF EVERYONE WANTS TO TAKE ME FOR GRANTED.

Anyway... It's just strange.... A lot of it.
That's probably why it's been on my mind a lot.

I DGAF WHAT HE'S DOING WITH HIS LIFE.
HE CAN DO WHATEVER TF HE'S DOING.

AS LONG AS HE KEEPS ME TF OUT OF IT.

I HAVE ZIP TO DO WITH HIM.
I HAVE HAD ZIP TO DO WITH HIM FOR 12 YEARS!
UNTIL? HE POPPED UP?

LIKE HE HADN'T DONE ANYTHING TO ME?

LIKE HE HADN'T TREATED ME LIKE THAT?

IF I HAD DONE SOME HORRENDOUS SH*T TO HIM....
I'D EXPECT HIM TO TREAT ME BADLY!

BUT DID I? NO?
SO WHY TF WAS HE TREATING ME LIKE THAT?

HE HAD NO REAL REASONS TO DO IT.

RIGHT?

AND MIRROR SMASHER HAD NO REAL REASONS TO DO IT....
OTHER THAN THAT SH*T SHOW.... 
BUT HE WENT STRAIGHT TO IT.
LIKE HE CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT IT.

AND IF HE CAN'T, THAT'S ON HIM.

EVEN AS BADLY AS I WAS TREATED....
DID I HAVE TO HOLD A GRUDGE?

NO? 

AM I HOLDING A GRUDGE?
DO I HAVE TO HAVE A GRUDGE?
JUST TO KNOW IT WASN'T GOING ANYWHERE?

IF NOTHING I SAID MADE A DIFFERENCE....
THERE WAS NOT MUCH OF A POINT IN TALKING.

AND IF YOU CAN'T TALK TO SOMEONE....
WHAT IS THE POINT?

HOW CAN YOU SAY YOU WANT "TO TALK"
UNLESS IT'S SOMETHING ABOUT WHAT THEY DID
AND HOW SOMEONE FEELS ABOUT IT?

AND THAT'S A GAME.
IN THE BEGINNING.... I THOUGHT THINGS WERE COOL.
AND THEN?

WASN'T ALLOWED TO HAVE ANY FEELINGS?
LIKE ANGER?
THAT I'M BEING TREATED LIKE I'M BEING RESENTED?

FOR JUST BEING ANGRY?
FOR BEING RESENTED FOR BEING ANGRY FOR BEING RESENTED?

"A***'S VOLATILE! IT MUST BE HER DIFFICULTIES! NOT ME!"

JUST REALLY STRANGE. 

LIKE REALLY TREAT ME LIKE THAT....
AND EXPECT ME NOT TO FEEL A TYPE OF WAY?

WHAT COULD THE LAST 12 YEARS HAVE BEEN LIKE?
IS THAT WHY HE CONTACTED ME?

DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

JUST TALKED A LOT OF SH*T
SO HE WOULDN'T LOOK LIKE XYZ.

"I'M GOING TO RESENT HER
AND TREAT HER LIKE XYZ....
THEN BE MAD AT HER
FOR BEING MAD AT ME....
FOR DOING XYZ..."

AS THOUGH HER FEELINGS NEVER MATTERED!!!!!!!!

THEN WANT ME BACK?
BECAUSE I COULD BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE?

WHEN HE DIDN'T WANT ME?

TO ME, IT WAS OVER 12 YEARS AGO! 
WHEN HE LITERALLY DISCARDED ME!

SO WHY BE MAD AT ME 12 YEARS LATER???????

WHY EVEN BE THINKING ABOUT ME??????
SINCE MY FEELINGS DON'T MATTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LITERALLY THE ONLY FEW TIMES I EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT HIM
WAS WHEN PASSING THE SCHOOL....
PASSING WHERE I USED TO LIVE....
PASSING HIS DAD'S STORE....

AND WHEN HIS DAD'S STORE WAS CLOSING.

BECAUSE MY FRIEND HAS BEEN THERE.
I ENDED UP TELLING MY FRIEND
ABOUT THAT BEING HIS DAD'S STORE.

AND THAT THE DUDE CONTACTED ME.

AND I HAVEN'T BEEN MYSELF FOR A WHILE.

WANTED A REACTION OUT OF ME
BECAUSE HE HADN'T HEARD FROM ME FOR 12 YEARS
AND WASN'T GOING TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY DIDN'T HE? HMMM.

BECAUSE HE LET THE TIME PASS, AND SO DID I.
BECAUSE IT DIDN'T GO ANYWHERE BACK THEN....

WAS IT TO TRY TO HOOK UP OR SOMETHING?

JUST STRANGE.

MY LOVE LIFE:
DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY HAVE UNTIL IT IS GONE.

AND THEY GET MAD AFTER THAT.

IF I WANT SOMETHING TO BE FAIR TO ME....
IT'S FAIR TO JUST BE "ALONE."

BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH ANY OF THAT....
IF I DON'T DEAL WITH ANY OF THAT.

WAS VERY SURPRISED SOME DUDES ARE THE WAY THEY ARE, THOUGH.

MAYBE THAT'S WHY I KEEP WRITING ABOUT IT?
BECAUSE I'M SURPRISED?

BECAUSE THEY DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS?

AND IT WOULD BE COOL IF THEY WEREN'T?

THEY THINK BEING "DECENT"
MEANS BEING A "SIMP" OR SOMETHING?

"I HAVE TO BE A RAGING @SSHOLE! NOT TO BE A SIMP!"

AND RAGING @SSHOLES AREN'T S*XY!

IF I GAVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE?
WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED?

HE LITERALLY PROJECTED ONTO ME
TO EXCUSE HIMSELF FROM DOING WHAT HE DID!

WHILE WANTING ANOTHER CHANCE?

LOOKS LIKE I SHOULD HAVE GIVEN HIM ANOTHER CHANCE???
FK NO!

AFTER GHOSTING ME!

I TRIED NOT TO BE MEAN ABOUT IT, BUT.....
I HAD ALREADY MOVED ON FROM THAT SH*T.

COULD HAVE BEEN A SH*TSHOW.

I DON'T WANT ANY SH*TSHOWS.
MIRROR SMASHER IS ENOUGH OF A SH*TSHOW....

BEEN DOING MY BEST TO RECOVER FROM THAT.
WHY WOULD I WANT ANOTHER ONE?

MAYBE A***'S HAD ENOUGH!

IS A*** ALLOWED TO HAVE ENOUGH?
OR HAVE FEELINGS?
OR BE A PERSON?

NOT TO WANT TO PLAY GAMES?

THOUGHT I WAS ALLOWED TO.

FUNNY HOW HE DIDN'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME....
AGAIN....

RIGHT AFTER TELLING HIM
THAT I DIDN'T WANT ANY BS....

"SHE'S NOT FALLING FOR MY BS.
I BETTER *BLOCK* HER AGAIN."

BECAUSE THAT WAS THE ONLY WAY HE COULD "CONTROL" ME?

AND HE CAN'T COME WITH ME WHERE I'M GOING?
BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING TO TOLERATE
WHAT I USED TO?

Not sure why I seem to be "wallowing" again.

Maybe because it's something I know pretty well...
Familiar.

Like if they can't connect with me in a real way....
WHY BOTHER?

"I CAUGHT FEELINGS FOR A***....
SO I GOTTA FK IT ALL UP...
TO PUSH HER AWAY..."

IT'S FKD UP.

Blindsided.... BECAUSE I NEVER EXPECTED THAT SH*T.

EASIER TO RUN FROM ME.

AND THEN? NO POINT IN "TALKING."

WHO'D HEAR ME? HIM? THEM? 

CAN THEY EVEN LOOK ME IN THE EYE?
AFTER THAT?

NO? THEY CAN'T?

WHY IS THAT?

HAVE THE B@LLS TO DO XYZ....
AND CAN'T LOOK ME IN THE EYE AFTER THAT?
WHY IS THAT?

I ALREADY CLOCKED THAT.

BECAUSE I SEE THAT.

THEY CAN'T "CONTROL" SOMEONE LIKE ME.

THAT IRRITATES DUDES WHO WANT TO "CONTROL."

THEY WILL DO FOUL SH*T.....
TO GET "ATTENTION."

AND THEY WILL PROJECT.

AND THAT ISN'T FOR ME.

THAT SH*T CHANGES THE VIBE. RIGHT?
RUNNING CHANGES THE VIBE. RIGHT?
EXPECTING TO BE CHASED CHANGES THE VIBE, RIGHT?

A LOT OF OTHER THINGS....
LIKE BEING PUSHED AWAY....
CHANGES THE VIBE.

PLAYING GAMES.... CHANGES THE VIBE.

SWITCHING UP.... CHANGES THE VIBE.


LIKE THAT OTHER DUDE.... WHO I USED TO LIKE.
WHO I THOUGHT I MIGHT VIBE WITH.... 

TRUSTED HIM.

WHAT DID HE DO?
HE DID THAT SH*T, TOO.

WHAT SHOULD I CALL HIM?
HE NEEDS A NICKNAME, BUT HE NEEDS AN APT ONE.

HOW ABOUT I JUST CALL HIM SABOTEUR?

SO SABOTEUR.... HE USED TO WORK WITH MY BEST FRIEND... 

MY BEST FRIEND WHO DIED IN APRIL...

I THOUGHT SABOTEUR WAS ALRIGHT...
WANTED TO GET TO KNOW HIM....

TRIED TO GET TO KNOW HIM.
GAVE HIM A FEW OPPORTUNITIES TO GET TO KNOW ME.

AND THEN? FLIP! COMPLETE OPPOSITE!

"I GOTTA MAKE A*** WALK AWAY!"

BLINDSIDED.
WASN'T EXPECTING THAT SH*T.

ANYWAY.... I HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO HIM
SINCE APRIL.

WE WENT TO THAT THING TOGETHER....
I THOUGHT THAT WAS NICE OF HIM...
THOUGHT HE WAS "SAFE."
AND THEN? BOOM!

SURPRISE! WTF?! 

AND THIS IS WHY I DON'T WANT TO FKN TRY
TO EVEN REALLY GET TO KNOW PEOPLE.

BECAUSE SOME DUDES.... JUST TURN....
AND I DON'T FKN APPRECIATE THAT SH*T.

IT CHANGES THE VIBE.
COMPLETELY.

THEN? NOT BEING INTERESTED.... AFTER THAT....
TRIGGERS THEM INTO DOING SO FKTARDED SH*T.

TO TRY TO TRIGGER ME.
TO TRY TO "BREAK" ME....

BECAUSE BEING "INDEPENDENT"
IS "INTIMIDATING."

TO A LOT OF DUDES.....

NOT SURE WHY.....
SHOULD WANT A CHICK WHO DOESN'T NEED YOU.
BECAUSE IF SHE WANTS YOU, AND DOESN'T NEED YOU....
SHE WANTS YOU.

DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?

AND THE FACT SHE WANTS YOU....
SHOULD BE.... A COMPLIMENT.

RIGHT?

THEN WHY TAKE IT AS AN INVITATION...
TO ACT LIKE A FKTARD?

JUST WONDERING.
FOR ALL THE SINGLE LADIES....

WHO COULD BE MARRIED RIGHT NOW...

BUT? WHAT HAPPENS?
"NOT ALL ATTENTION IS GOOD ATTENTION."

SOME PEOPLE CAN LAY IT ON THICK
WHEN THEY WANT SOMETHING.

BECAUSE THEY DO THAT.

PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT ANYTHING
AREN'T LAYING IT ON THICK.

THEY HAVE NO "REASON" TO.

GET IT?

BUT NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE SEEM TO KNOW THAT.
OR REMEMBER IT.... 

"WAIT A MINUTE! I SAW THIS BEFORE!"

ENTICING! ISN'T IT?
WHY DO YOU THINK YOU'RE BEING ENTICED?

THAT'S "MANIPULATION."

IF IT LOOKED LIKE MANIPULATION....
LIKE IF IT WAS "OBVIOUSLY" MANIPULATION...
IT WOULDN'T WORK.... RIGHT?

BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE DON'T LIKE BEING MANIPULATED?

BECAUSE THEY WANT FULL CONTROL OVER THEMSELVES?

AND DUDES WHO SEEM TO WANT CONTROL OVER ME...
WOULDN'T WANT ANYONE TO HAVE "CONTROL"
OVER THEM.

RIGHT?

SURE.... MAYBE SOME INFLUENCE.
LIKE ENOUGH INFLUENCE
TO WHERE THEY LISTEN
AND CONSIDER MY FEELINGS
AT THE VERY LEAST.

BUT...? WOULD I PREFER IT?
IF THEY CONTROLLED THEMSELVES? YEAH?

AND IF THEY SHOW ME THAT THEY CAN'T?
WHAT DOES THAT SAY?

IF THEY CAN'T.... DOES THAT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT ME?

OR DOES THAT SAY THAT THEY CAN'T?

BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE I'VE BEEN CONTROLLING MYSELF
JUST FINE FOR BEING "TOXIC."

OR XYZ.... OR WHATEVER SH*T ABOUT ME
IS GOING AROUND TOWN FOR DECADES... FFS.

IT'S NOT EVEN A SMALL TOWN!
JUST A FKN SMALL-MINDED TOWN!

BECAUSE IF THEY WEREN'T....
WOULD THEY BE ACTING LIKE THIS?

OR WOULD THEY BE THINKING ABOUT IT?

GRANTED.... I USED TO BE MORE FKTARDED
THAN I AM TODAY.

I'VE DONE FKTARDED THINGS IN MY PAST.

I'VE NEEDED TO BE FKTARDUCATED. YES.

BUT I ALSO NEEDED TO JUST FKN THINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I COULDN'T EVEN THINK IN THE ENVIRONMENTS I'VE BEEN IN!

BECAUSE IT SEEMS THAT NOT MANY OTHER PEOPLE THINK...
AND IF THEY DON'T.... "GOOD TO KNOW!" RIGHT?

ISN'T IT GOOD TO KNOW
WHO THINKS AND WHO DOESN'T?

BECAUSE IF THEY WERE THINKING...
WHY ACT LIKE THAT?

THEY'D THINK ABOUT HOW THAT LOOKS! RIGHT?

WAS I THINKING ABOUT HOW SOME THINGS LOOKED? NO?
I WAS TOO BUSY BEING FKTARDED TO THINK ABOUT THAT!

THAT'S HOW FKTARDED I WAS! OKAY?

FKTARDS CAN BE FKTARDUCATED! OKAY?
IT TAKES TIME TO "MATURE." RIGHT?

JUST SAD THAT I WASN'T THINKING EVEN ENOUGH
TO REALIZE MUCH OF ANYTHING.

WHY WAS THAT? I WAS STUCK IN MY FEELINGS
BECAUSE OF THE FKTARDERY
THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO DEAL WITH...
OR EVEN REALLY KNEW HOW TO DEAL WITH....

IT JUST WASN'T RIGHT.
TO BE DONE DIRTY LIKE THAT.

But WHY want revenge on me
FOR NOT LETTING SH*T THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO "BREAK" ME....
"BREAK" ME?

SURE, IT WAS SUPPOSED TO.... BUT?
WHY BE MAD THAT I'M STRONGER THAN THAT SH*T?

USE SILENCE TO "PUNISH" ME...
FOR CALLING OUT SOME BS....
DOESN'T MEAN IT WASN'T BS...


NOT LIKE I "CAN'T" MOVE ON FROM A LOT OF SH*T...

SURE, I STILL THINK ABOUT IT (OFTEN)
BUT? THE INTEREST IN IT ISN'T THERE.

"I CAN XYZ... BECAUSE A***'S WAITING."
DID I WANT TO BE WAITING?
SHOULD I HAVE BEEN WAITING?

UNDERNEATH IT, I KNEW HIS HEART.
BUT WANTING TO BE SOMETHING HE ISN'T....
AND BEING THE OPPOSITE....

TRYING TO ACT MATURE TO EVERYONE....
THEN BEING A FKTARD TO ME...

MAYBE A*** NEEDED YOU TO BE
WHAT YOU PRETEND TO BE
TO OTHER PEOPLE.

IF THEY ARE XYZ.... 
TOO IMMATURE TO KNOW
HOW IMMATURE THEY ARE...

BUT MORE OR LESS....
SO INSECURE THAT THEY..... 
DO SOME THINGS.... 

BUT... THE THING IS.... THEY DO SOME OF THAT SH*T
OUT OF INSECURITIES.

ANOTHER PART OF IT....
FOMO.

IT JUST WOULD HAVE BEEN THE SAME ISSUES...
REPEATEDLY BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO LEARN
THOSE LESSONS
AND I NEEDED TO LEARN MINE.

RIGHT?

IF SOMEONE'S SECURE ENOUGH
NOT TO ACT OUT OF INSECURITY....

IT'S A DIFFERENT VIBE. YES?

IF SOMEONE DOESN'T HAVE FOMO....
IT'S A DIFFERENT VIBE. YES?

CERTAIN THINGS AREN'T COOL... RIGHT?

DID I USED TO.... DO THINGS WITH LITTLE CONSIDERATION?
YEAH?

YES I DID! 

FKTARDED THINGS.
DRUNKEN FKTARDED THINGS EVEN.

DO DRUNK PEOPLE THINK?
NOT REALLY?

DID I PREFER TO BE DRUNK?
OVER BEING SOBER?

YEAH? 

I WAS BUSY BEING DRUNK.
NOT THINKING.

MOSTLY.

BECAUSE I COULDN'T "CONTROL"
MY "EMOTIONS"?

SO THEREFORE I WAS XYZ.... 

WHO TAUGHT ME TO? ANYONE?
I HAD TO BE THERE FOR MYSELF! RIGHT?

BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE WANTED TO RAILROAD ME?

YEAH?

TARGETED ME.

SOMETHING TO DO WITH MY "LOOKS."
SOMETHING I CAN'T "CHANGE" ABOUT MYSELF, BTW.

SUPPOSED TO LIVE IN A BUBBLE?
BECAUSE I LOOK LIKE XYZ?

NOT INTERESTED IN THAT.

"A*** LOOKS LIKE SHE'S OUT OF MY LEAGUE....
SO I HAVE TO TRY TO TREAT HER
LIKE I'M OUT OF HERS!"

BUT ALSO.... I DON'T WANT TO SECRETLY
BE SOMEONE'S SECRET.

BECAUSE WTF IS THAT?

ONE OF MY NEIGHBORS REFUSES TO THINK
THAT WHAT I TOLD HIM TO HIS FACE IS THE TRUTH.

HE THINKS I'M DATING BECAUSE I HUNG OUT WITH A MALE FRIEND.
IT WASN'T A DATE.

I TOLD MY NEIGHBOR THAT IF I HAD A BOYFRIEND....
I'D PROBABLY TELL EVERYONE.
MY FRIENDS WOULD MEET MY BOYFRIEND
IF I HAD ONE.

WHY WOULD I HIDE MY BOYFRIEND IF I HAD ONE?

I'D BE LIKE: "MEET MY BOYFRIEND." RIGHT?
I'VE INTRODUCED MY FRIENDS TO MY OTHER FRIENDS BEFORE...
SHOULDN'T BE A BIG DEAL. RIGHT?

BUT HE IS CONVINCED THAT I'M DATING.
DESPITE TELLING HIM REPEATEDLY
THAT I'M NOT, BUT HE WANTS TO THINK I AM!

STRANGE! 

BUT IT WAS.... THINKING.... I COULD BENEFIT FROM A***.
THAT IS MOSTLY THE REASON.

DO I WANT EVERYONE TO LOOK AT ME LIKE:
"HOW CAN I BENEFIT.... FROM A***?"

NO!

WHY WOULD I WANT TO DEAL WITH....
SOMEONE LOOKING AT ME LIKE AN OPPORTUNITY?

SHOULD I LOOK AT THEM AS AN OPPORTUNITY?
OR SHOULD I BE LOOKING AT THEM AS A PERSON?

WHEN I LOOK AT PEOPLE.... I SEE PEOPLE.

TIRED OF WHATEVER THE FK PEOPLE SEEM TO SEE
WHEN THEY LOOK AT ME.

RARELY SEE ME AS A PERSON! RARELY!

WHY IS THAT?

WHY AM I EVEN WRITE ABOUT THIS STUFF?
MAYBE I'M GOING THROUGH A CHANGE OR SOMETHING.

BECAUSE WRITING WHEN MY ENERGY'S ALL OVER THE PLACE...
IS A DECENT WAY TO CONTAIN MY OWN ENERGY.

SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

FEELS BETTER TO LET SOME THINGS BE.

MY ENERGY FEELS KIND OF LOW, LATELY.
MAYBE THAT'S WHY I'M WRITING MORE, TOO.

LIKE MY ENERGY IS LOW BECAUSE I'M USING IT...
TO WRITE, YES.
TO THINK, YES.
FEELING STUFF, YES.

BUT IT'S MORE THAN JUST THAT.
HARD TO EXPLAIN.

MAYBE REFLECTING? A BIT?
SOMEWHAT...?

SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
BECAUSE SOMETIMES I NEED TO QUESTION MYSELF.
"A***, WTF ARE YOU DOING?!"

"WHAT IS THIS?"
"WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? WHY?"

YES, I DO ASK MYSELF THAT.
NOW, MORE THAN EVER....

TO SEE WHERE I'M AT....
TO TRY TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO MYSELF....

HARD TO EXPLAIN WHY I DO THAT.
IT SEEMS SILLY.

WELL..... "IT SEEMS SILLY"
COULD COVER PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING I WRITE!
RIGHT?

I DO IT.... BECAUSE I NEED TO THINK ABOUT
WTF I'M DOING.

"A***, WTF ARE YOU DOING?!
ARE YOU BEING FKTARDED?!"

I CAN KINDA CURB THE FKTARDATION.... IN ME. NOW.
OKAY?

THAT'S HOW I DO THAT.
"A***! WTF?"

THE MORE I CAN SAY WTF TO MYSELF....
THE MORE I CAN SAY IT TO OTHERS!

RIGHT?

NOT MANY EXPECT ME TO ASK MYSELF:
"WTF?!"

BECAUSE THEY DON'T! 

THEY DON'T ASK THEMSELVES!

AND WHEN I DO?

HOW DOES THAT GO?

NOBODY EVER ASKED THEM: "WTF?!"

AND I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES?

AND THEY WANT ME TO NEED THEM?

WHY WOULD I NEED SOMEONE
WHO ISN'T AROUND?

AND... DO I HAVE PEOPLE AROUND
BECAUSE I NEED THEM?

OR AM I JUST TRYING TO ACTUALLY CONNECT?

DO I LOOK AT SOMEONE LIKE I "NEED" THEM?
FOR "EVERYTHING"? NO?

THEY DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO ADMIRE OR RESENT ME!

IF THEY ARE THAT CONFUSED ABOUT IT....
THEY DON'T NEED TO BE AROUND ME.

WHEN SOME PEOPLE KNOW SOMEONE WOULD BE STRONGER, 
WITH ME....

HOW DOES THAT GO?
TO DO WHAT? KEEP THEM DOWN?

AND IF THEY REFUSE TO SEE THAT....
WHAT WOULD SAYING THAT DO?

ANYTHING?
SO WHY SAY IT?

FOR "WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"?
FOR THAT?

BUT I FEEL LIKE I'M MEANT TO BE FOCUSING
ON OTHER THINGS....

THAN.... REPLAYING THOUGHTS I'VE BEEN HAVING.

ABOUT THOSE THINGS.

THEY NEED THEIR FALSE REALITY....
BECAUSE THEY CAN'T ACCEPT
THAT THEY CAN'T TAKE SH*T BACK!

I WISH PEOPLE WELL.... 
I HOPE THEY CAN LEARN NOT TO XYZ...

BUT? THEY DID SOME THINGS. RIGHT?

MAYBE THEY COULD BE HONEST WITH THEMSELVES ABOUT IT?

SINCE THEY CAN'T ADMIT ANYTHING?

WHY WOULD THEY? RIGHT?

WHY ADMIT IT?

BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE A TYPE OF WAY!

IT'S BEEN OUT OF MY HANDS! RIGHT?

IT'S UP TO THEM! RIGHT?

LIKE IT'S BEEN UP TO ME.... TO... DO SOME THINGS....
THAT I NEEDED TO....

JUST.... YES.... DISAPPOINTED.
MOSTLY BECAUSE I DIDN'T EXPECT SOME THINGS.

COULD HAVE BEEN AN ADULT ABOUT IT. RIGHT?

ABOUT CONNECTING? PROPERLY?

NOT "TRAUMA BONDING"?

BECAUSE THAT IS GROSS, AND I'M NOT FOR THAT.

IF I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES POTENTIAL IN ANYONE....
WHAT'S THE POINT?

BUT POTENTIAL ISN'T..... THE SAME AS....
HAVING TO OVERLOOK THINGS... 

AND HAVING TO ACCEPT SOME THINGS....
THAT I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO.

AND CO-SIGNERS WILL CONVINCE THEM
THEY DID THE RIGHT THINGS.... WHEN THEY DIDN'T.

THEY KINDA FKD SOME THINGS UP.
AND I GOTTA DEAL WITH THAT.

A FEW TIMES OVER.

ONLY I CAN. I CAN'T DEPEND ON ANYONE
TO DO THE SH*T I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING.

RIGHT?

BECAUSE THAT SH*T IS FOR WHO?
FOR ME!

DAMAGE WAS DONE. RIGHT?
"SHOTS FIRED." RIGHT?

WHETHER IT WAS HIT OR MISS....
STILL.... RIGHT?

TOOK AIM AT ME? YEAH?

NOT LIKE I'M HERE LICKING MY WOUNDS.... 
I'VE DONE ENOUGH OF THAT IN MY LIFE.

RESTING? YES.

JUST ANOTHER THING TO GET THROUGH. RIGHT?

THE THOUGHT I HAD THE OTHER DAY.... HONEST THOUGHT:
"DID I THINK I HAD DEALT WITH SOME THINGS?"
LIKE... "DID I BELIEVE I HAD, BECAUSE I THINK I DID?"

HOW WOULD I KNOW? THAT'S ANOTHER ONE.

HOW WOULD I KNOW WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
FOR SOMETHING TO HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN DEALT WITH...

IF I'VE HAD A LOT TO DEAL WITH....

AND MOSTLY MYSELF TO RELY ON?

CONSIDERING.... MY CIRCUMSTANCES... YEAH.... OKAY.
NOT THAT THOSE ARE THE ONLY FACTORS.... 

BUT CONSIDERING OTHER THINGS, NOT JUST:
"HOW WOULD I KNOW WHAT XYZ IS SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE?"
I COULD ONLY THINK ABOUT
WHAT I THINK
IT IS SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE....

RIGHT?

SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

LIKE SOBRIETY!

LOOKS DIFFERENT TO EVERYONE....
NOT ONE WAY.

AND THINKING THAT SOBRIETY
IS SUPPOSED TO LOOK ONE WAY....

IS.... AN INTERESTING WAY
TO LOOK AT IT... 

BECAUSE: WHY DO YOU HAVE TO CONSIDER IT
ONLY IN ONE WAY?
OR LOOK AT IT IN ONLY ONE WAY?
SO WHY DOES IT HAVE TO LOOK OR BE
IN ONLY ONE WAY?

AND THAT IS WHAT OTHER THINGS....
COULD LOOK LIKE.... BTW... 

SEASONS CHANGE. OKAY? THEY DO.
MY SEASON CAN COME.... 

JUST BECAUSE SOME THINGS FELT A TYPE OF WAY....
DOESN'T MEAN THAT I HAVE TO BE STUCK IN
HOW IT FELT.

DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?

THERE'S A BOOK I READ.... I'M GOING TO READ IT AGAIN...
IT'S ABOUT LIBERATION.

WRITTEN BY A MONK, ACTUALLY.

THE THINGS HE WROTE IN IT.... DO MAKE SENSE.

BUT.... IT'S UP TO ME TO USE THE THINGS THAT MAKE SENSE.
IN WAYS THAT MAKE SENSE TO USE THEM.

DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?

IF I DO THAT.... I'D BE BETTER OFF FOR DOING IT.
AT LEAST.

SOMETIMES IT HAS FELT "DISHEARTENING"
WHEN SOMETHING JUST.... SEEMS TO TAKE "FOREVER"
TO JUST.... 

IMPROVE. A BIT.

IT BUGS ME SOMETIMES.... BUT?
IT'S NOT THAT I CAN FORCE IT.
Y'KNOW?

I DON'T WANT THE "ATTENTION" OR WHATEVER.
IT HASN'T BEEN "GOOD."
Y'KNOW?

IT HASN'T FELT "GOOD" TO HAVE "HATERS"
WHEN I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING TO THEM.

BUT THEY FEEL SOME TYPE OF WAY
ABOUT XYZ.... ABOUT ME.

I'M JUST TRYING TO FIND MY WAY.
EVERY DAY.
LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

BUT SOME THINGS... I'M NOT COOL WITH.
I KNOW THIS.

PEOPLE LOOK DOWN THEIR NOSES AT ME....
THEN TRY TO CHANGE THEIR MINDS?

BECAUSE I DIDN'T LOOK XYZ?

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

SOMETIMES IT'S HARDER TO TELL...
UNTIL I FIND OUT....
AND THIS CITY....
MOST THINGS AREN'T LIKE 
WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE....

OR THE ONES I TRUSTED...
COULD HAVE BEEN TRUSTED.

YEAH?

It's Sad (Part 2)

What is sad is that... 
PEOPLE CAN THINK THEY ARE ON THE SAME PAGE.
AND FIND OUT THAT THEY AREN'T.

AND WEREN'T.

Initially.... I thought things were "cool."
I THOUGHT WE WERE ON THE SAME PAGE.

IT SEEMS IT WAS A GAME THE WHOLE TIME.

And yeah.... THAT STUNG.

A lot of it.... Stung.... But.... It taught me some things.
ABOUT HOW SOME PEOPLE CAN BE.

AND I DON'T LIKE HOW SOME PEOPLE CAN BE.

AND I DON'T LIKE IT
WHEN THEY TRY TO BE THAT WAY TO ME.

I DON'T HAVE TO LIKE IT.

THEY CAN BE CHARGED WITH DEFAMATION ETC....

I DROPPED IT.
BECAUSE I KNOW THAT OTHER PEOPLE
AREN'T GOING TO DEAL WITH THAT SH*T EITHER.

AND IF HE MOVES LIKE THAT....
I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE 
WHO HE MOVED THAT WAY WITH.

SAME WITH PEOPLE HE DEALS WITH.

ALL THE PROJECTION, ETC....
CAN FIND ITS WAY BACK TO WHERE IT CAME FROM.

ALL THE "GOSSIP" AND THE SLANDER ETC...

ALL THE ROCKS THROWN AT ME....
AND THEY FELT ENTITLED TO DO IT.

RIGHT?

THAT'S WHY THEY HAD TO DO IT BEHIND MY BACK?

THERE'S PROOF OF IT.... OUT THERE. PROBABLY.

STUPID ENOUGH TO DO IT....
THEY WON'T BE SMART ENOUGH TO FULLY HIDE IT.

I'M SMART ENOUGH NOT TO DO IT.
NOT TO WANT TO DO IT.

THAT'S WHY I CAN SLEEP JUST FINE.

HAVEN'T BEEN SLEEPING AT NIGHT, BUT I HAVE BEEN.
AND WHEN I DO.... I KNOW WHAT I HAVEN'T DONE
AND WHY I DIDN'T DO THAT.

If they had FORESIGHT, they might have seen some things.
Did they? No?

Being silent isn't because I can't defend myself...

IT'S BECAUSE.... WHAT DIFFERENCE DID IT MAKE?
THEY'D USE WHAT I'D SAY.... AND TWIST IT.
RIGHT?

EVEN THOUGH I HAD REAL FEELINGS...
I HAD TO TAKE MY FEELINGS OUT OF IT.

FOR A REASON.

I DON'T ENJOY BEING PLAYED WITH.

I know other people don't enjoy being played with, either.
I know the truth will come out, too.

I don't have to force it to come out.
When it does, it will.

EVEN IF IT TAKES ANOTHER 12 YEARS.

OR LONGER.

JUST THAT IF SOMEONE'S GOING TO "RUN"
FOR A "REACTION"
FROM ME....

WHAT KIND OF "LOVER"
WOULD THEY BE TO ME?

SOMEONE WHO WANTS ME?
NO?

JUST SOMEONE WHO WANTED ME TO WANT THEM
ENOUGH TO "CHASE"?

OR SOMETHING?

WHEN SOMEONE ALREADY WANTED YOU....
WHY TRY TO MAKE THEM "CHASE" YOU?

IS THAT FAIR?
TO TREAT THEM LIKE THAT?

AND HOW CAN THEY TRUST YOU
NOT TO DO THAT SH*T AGAIN?

AND IF YOU SHOW THEM
THAT THEY DEFINITELY WOULD DO IT AGAIN...

WHEN SOMEONE BREAKS MY TRUST
WHY TF DO THEY EXPECT ME TO BE NICE?

JUST SO THEY CAN BREAK IT SOME MORE?
HMMM?

THEN DODGING ACCOUNTABILITY....
PROBABLY MORE TO THE STORY.

RIGHT?

BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO FACE ME?

WHY MOVE AT ME LIKE THEY ARE HOLDING A GRUDGE?

AND HOW CAN THEY EXPECT ME TO TRUST THEM
WHEN THEY ALREADY SHOWED ME
THAT I CAN'T.

WHY TRY TO PUT ON AN ACT....
TO SEE IF I'D BUY IT?

LITERALLY WANTED TO ARGUE WITH ME.
YET AGAIN.

SO THAT I WOULD FEEL A TYPE OF WAY?
ABOUT HIM "REJECTING" ME AGAIN?

SO I'D "WANT TO" COME BACK?

NO. DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT.

I'M OKAY WITH BEING "REJECTED."
I'D RATHER BE "ALONE" THAN PLAY GAMES.

I REALLY WOULD!
IT FEELS MUCH BETTER THAN DEALING WITH ANYONE
WHO MOVES LIKE THAT.

THE ONLY REASON TO TRY TO FK WITH MY HEAD.....
WOULD BE TO DO THAT.

RIGHT?

I DON'T HAPPEN TO "LIKE" PEOPLE
WHO DO THAT CRAP.

I WON'T APOLOGIZE FOR THAT, EITHER.

AND BEING MAD AT ME FOR THAT?
BE MAD!

THAT I WON'T APOLOGIZE.....
FOR NOT WANTING TO DEAL WITH THAT.

Just mostly been sad and disappointed.
MORE THAN ANGRY.

BEING ANGRY WASN'T GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING!

JUST WOULD HAVE BEEN:
"SEE? I WAS RIGHT!"

JUST FOR BEING ANGRY! OKAY?

ISN'T THAT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON?
TO BE ANGRY?

"GOD" DOESN'T LIKE "TRAUMA BONDS."

IF SOMEONE IS "GIVEN" SOMETHING REAL.....
AND THEY SPIT AND SH*T ON IT....

"GOD" ISN'T GOING TO "LIKE" THAT. RIGHT?
MIGHT FIND THAT "INSULTING?"

IF I "WOULDN'T" LEAVE HIM "ALONE..."
WHY DID HE CONTACT ME?
AFTER 12 YEARS?

AFTER I LEFT HIM "ALONE"?

AND TRYING TO COME AT ME "NICELY."
AFTER DISCARDING ME...

DIDN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT HE DISCARDED ME.
RIGHT?

IT WAS LIKE "THE TRUMAN SHOW"
BUT IT WAS BASED ON MY "REACTIONS."

THIS IS WHY I DON'T DEAL WITH MANY PEOPLE.

BECAUSE THAT CRAP TENDS TO HAPPEN.
I DON'T LIKE IT.

MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I CAN'T TRUST PEOPLE....
NOT TO DO THAT SH*T.

NOT TO "SMEAR" ME...
OR OTHER CRAP.

I WOULD RATHER BE "ALONE"
THAN TO GO THROUGH ANY OF THAT CRAP.

EVEN WHEN I'M AROUND ANYONE...
EVEN AS A FRIEND....
THAT TENDS TO HAPPEN!

GASLIGHTING ME: "A***, YOU'RE TOXIC!"
WHY? BECAUSE I GOT SOMEWHERE?

AND I DON'T NEED TO DEAL WITH THAT?

I FELT LIKE I WAS ON ANOTHER PLANET!

LIKE EVERYONE HAS BEEN BLIND!

THEY COULDN'T SEE WHY THEY WERE JUDGING ME!

NOBODY TOLD ME THAT THERE WAS A SMEAR
CAMPAIGN.

AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHY MOST PEOPLE
WERE ACTING LIKE I WAS XYZ.... 

"A***'S XYZ!"

WHAT "DIFFICULTIES"
DID 12 YEAR DISCARD.... 

THINK... WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY "VOLATILITY"?

REALLY?

AND THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR FKN DECADES!!!!!!!!!!!

MAYBE THEY WOULD BE "VOLATILE"
IF THAT SH*T WAS HAPPENING?

OF COURSE I WOULD PROTECT MYSELF
FROM PROJECTIONS!

BUT THE THING IS.....
SUPERFICIAL PEOPLE.....
WILL JUDGE ME SUPERFICIALLY....
ON SUPERFICIAL THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND WHEN I "REGAIN" MY MENTAL STABILITY.....
YEAH.... I'M GOING TO KEEP IT FOR MYSELF!

FK! BEING GASLIT....
HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE "MENTALLY STABLE"?

"DIFFICULTIES...."

SEE HOW HE DIDN'T ELABORATE?
WHAT THE DIFFICULTIES WERE?

LIKE I WAS SUPPOSED TO KNOW....
ALL MY ACCUSATIONS?

BECAUSE I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE
EVERYTHING EVERYONE ACCUSED ME OF BEING?

LITERALLY WANTED TO FKN MOCK ME.
RIGHT?

LIKE I WAS A JOKE. RIGHT?

"A*** WILL COME BACK!
LOOKING FOR ATTENTION!"

THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU HEAR FROM ME FOR 12 YEARS?
OR SINCE YOU WERE COWARD ENOUGH
TO BE A TW@T AGAIN?

"I'LL JUST DISAPPEAR...
LISTEN TO EVERYONE ELSE ABOUT A***....
DO WHAT I WANT..... AND COME BACK."

I NEVER NEEDED THEIR APPROVAL!
SO WHY TREAT ME LIKE I DID?

BUT CAN'T DO THAT SH*T TO MY FACE?

CAN'T SAY THAT SH*T TO MY FACE?
NO? WHY NOT?

EASY TO TALK SH*T....
BUT NOT EASY TO LIVE WITH THAT?

HOW DO YOU THINK I'LL ALWAYS BE THERE....
TO TRY ME 12 YEARS LATER?

HOW?

IF YOU HAVEN'T HEARD FROM ME FOR 12 YEARS....
PROBABLY SAFE TO THINK....
I'M PROBABLY NOT GOING TO HEAR FROM HER!

I'M ALLOWED TO MEET NEW PEOPLE!
I'M ALLOWED TO BE CARED ABOUT!

IN THE 12 YEARS
YOU REFUSED TO ACKNOWLEDGE ANYTHING?

YEAH?

I'M LITERALLY SOMEONE THEY USED TO KNOW!
A LONG TIME AGO!

THEY REMEMBERED SOME THINGS?
ABOUT ME?

BEFORE THE BS STARTED?

"WHY DID I DO THIS TO A***?"

I DON'T KNOW WHY!

BUT WHATEVER!

IT SUCKED!

MISSING SOMEONE AND 
NOT BEING READY TO TREAT THEM PROPERLY
ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS!

THEY DON'T KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT ME.....
TO KNOW ANYTHING MUCH ABOUT ME.

TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF A PERSON 
I ACTUALLY AM....

SO ANYONE CAN SAY ANYTHING....
AND ANYONE CAN THINK IT IS TRUE!

"I'M GOING TO MAKE A*** FEEL UNWANTED."
"I'M GOING TO PLAY WITH HER FEELINGS!"

IF I HAVE TO WAIT 12 YEARS.....
AND STILL WOULDN'T HEAR ME....

WHAT WOULD IT BE LIKE? FOR ME?

THE SAME?

IF IT WAS GOING TO BE JUDGED, INFLUENCED....
OR WHATEVER ELSE.... 

WHAT WAS IT GOING TO BE? IMPOSSIBLE?

BUT EVERYONE'S OPINIONS MATTERED MORE?

PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T KNOW ME?

BUT DID HE KNOW ME? NO?

SO HOW WOULD HE KNOW ME?

HE NEEDED EVERYONE'S APPROVAL?

WHY DID I NEED EVERYONE'S ACCEPTANCE?

SHOULDN'T I HAVE JUST NEEDED HIS?
NOT EVERYONE ELSE'S?

I DON'T WANT TO KEEP DEFENDING MY CHARACTER 
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

TO EVERYONE.

AND I DON'T WANT TO KEEP WAITING, FORGIVING, 
TRYING, DEFENDING, ETC.

MOCKED BY MY OWN FAMILY, TOO.

SO IT'S NOT LIKE I CAN TRUST MANY PEOPLE. RIGHT?

WOULD IT HAVE BEEN COOL TO HAVE BEEN ABLE TO? YEAH?

GASLIT ME TO TRY TO MAKE ME DOUBT MYSELF.

YEAH, THAT WOULD P*SS PEOPLE OFF.

WHY TRY TO MAKE ME DOUBT MYSELF?
BECAUSE YOU WANT ME TO?
WHY IS THAT?

THEY CAN HAVE THEIR OPINIONS... 

DO I NEED TO "EMBARRASS" ANYONE WHO MOCKED ME?
NO?

BUT "IMPRESSING" EVERYONE WAS MORE "IMPORTANT"
THAN NOT DOING XYZ?

"I WON! BECAUSE A***'S HURT!"
OKAY. WIN, THEN. IF THAT'S WHAT "MATTERED" TO YOU.

IT SHOWED ME WHO THEY WERE....
AND WHAT "MATTERED" TO THEM....
RIGHT?

THEY DIDN'T WANT TO UNDERSTAND OR CARE....
AND THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD SAY
TO "CHANGE" THAT.

RIGHT?

WHAT DID YOU WIN?

DIDN'T WIN MY RESPECT. LOST IT.
DIDN'T WIN MY TRUST. LOST IT.

"A***'S ANGRY! SHE'S BEING VOLATILE!"

BUT IF A***'S WILLING TO "EXPLAIN" AGAIN....
NOTHING CHANGED! WRONG!

DOESN'T MEAN I FKN TRUST YOU ANYMORE!

WANTED TO DEFEND THEIR BS!
SO MY WHOLE EXPERIENCE WAS WRONG?

HAVE ANOTHER 12 YEARS OF SILENCE, THEN.
SINCE APPARENTLY IT WASN'T "WORTH" IT.

MY "PAIN" WAS "INCONVENIENT."

HE WANTED TO ACT LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.

MY FEELINGS DIDN'T MATTER!

THE FACT I EVEN HAD FEELINGS!

RIGHT?

THE FACT THAT I WAS EVEN HUMAN!

RIGHT?

COULD HAVE JUST LISTENED?
HEARD WHY IT BOTHERED ME?

SO THEY COULD STOP?

BUT "YOU'RE TOXIC! SO I'M NOT GOING TO UNDERSTAND YOU!"

OKAY. DON'T, THEN.

MAYBE I DIDN'T WANT TO DEFEND MY RIGHT
TO HAVE FEELINGS!

WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I BROUGHT UP
HOW I FELT?

ABOUT ANYTHING?

WHAT?

HOW DO YOU EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS
IN A "REASONABLE" WAY?

BECAUSE HAVING FEELINGS AT ALL
SEEMS "UNREASONABLE"

AND NOBODY CAN "REASON" WITH ME.....
BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO "REASON" WITH ME....

INSTEAD OF LISTENING TO ME?

BUT A*** MAKES "SCENES."
AND "FLIES OFF THE HANDLE"

INSTEAD OF "A*** GETS MAD WHEN I DO XYZ."

"I SHOULD HAVE JUST RESPECTED HER.
TREATED HER LIKE A PERSON WHO HAS FEELINGS."

WHAT WOULD IT CHANGE?
IF THEY REGRETTED IT?

MY FEELINGS MATTERED THE WHOLE TIME....
NOT ONLY WHEN ANYONE "UNDERSTOOD"
THAT I WAS ALLOWED TO HAVE ANY....

SOMEONE REFUSING TO LISTEN
WON'T HEAR YOU!

NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!

WHO BENEFITED FROM MY "PAIN"?
IF THEY BENEFITED....

WHY WOULD THEY WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT?

THEY WANTED ME TO TOLERATE IT!

BECAUSE "TOLERATING IT"
KEPT "THE PEACE"!

TOLERATING "MISTREATMENT."

BUT THEY ALL WANTED MY LOYALTY! 
RIGHT?

LIKE I WAS OBLIGATED TO BE LOYAL.....
BUT EXPECTED ME TO "TOLERATE"
"MISTREATMENT."

RIGHT?

I'M ONLY "IMPORTANT"
WHEN THEY NEED MY HELP.

IF I WAS "THE PROBLEM"
WHY TF DID THEY "RELY" ON ME?