As Long As I Did

There are a couple of things right off the bat...

1) You can't build a life around trying to get someone to admit something
2) You can't heal by waiting for someone to understand

Like, 12 years passed between him discarding me and trying to return.
In that time, he just said he realized he made a mistake.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT HE FINALLY UNDERSTOOD
ANYTHING I EVER SAID TO HIM.

OR MAGICALLY STARTED TO CARE ABOUT ME.

He hasn't! That doesn't happen!

It's funny about that logic:

Someone walks away.... I accept it....
I don't chase or wait...
I don't emotionally reserve myself for them in case they change their mind...

And they want to be surprised that the door isn't open?

TEST THE LIMITS, YOU'LL SEE THEM.
TEST MINE, YOU'LL SEE MINE.

AND WHY TRY TO RETURN WHEN YOU'RE NOT READY?

THEY THOUGHT THAT I WOULD TRY AGAIN....
BECAUSE I WAS THE ONE TRYING!

12 YEARS FROM NOW? 
WHO KNOWS!

WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
WE'LL SEE WHAT KIND OF BS POPS UP.

I won't try to predict it, though.
I couldn't predict this... 

I was surprised, though. Very.

About what happened....

Didn't think it would.

Did I think Mirror Smasher would be a d*ck, either? No.

Did I think certain people were the way they were? No.

DID I THINK THEY'D EXPECT ME TO ACCEPT CERTAIN THINGS? NO.

I DIDN'T THINK THINGS WOULD GO LIKE THAT.
IF I DID.... I WOULD NOT HAVE WASTED MY TIME.

I WOULD HAVE AVOIDED IT ALL.

ESPECIALLY THE FALSE HOPE.
AND THE PAIN.

LIKE THEY HELD ANYTHING I FELT AGAINST ME.
WHY DO THAT?

It's me who romanticized the potential I thought was there.
That was me doing that.

But I don't have to do that.
I have the facts of what I was shown.

If I ever have to question where I stand with anyone...
I'd rather be alone. 

He wanted me to chase him. I won't.
Why would I chase someone who pushes me away?

"I'll always have leverage because she wanted to be with me."
WANTED TO.

DON'T ANYMORE.

IS THERE SOMETHING TO WANT TO BE WITH?

CAN'T EVEN COMMUNICATE.
CAN'T SHOW UP.
CAN'T TELL THE TRUTH.

HE COULD, BUT DIDN'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED.
SO I DIDN'T BOTHER HIM FOR 12 YEARS.

I DON'T TRUST SOMEONE WHO'D DISCARD ME...
JUST TO RETURN 12 YEARS LATER...

LIKE THEY NEVER FKN DID THAT SH*T.
OR ANYTHING ELSE!

WASTED THE TIME BEFORE HE GHOSTED ME.
WASTED THE TIME AFTER HE GHOSTED ME.

WASTED HIS CHANCE TO TALK TO ME.

Wouldn't reflect on anything. 

But I really think there was some sort of influence, too. 

Not that it really matters now. I had to retreat.

Someone who "had to" get in between.

But he wanted what he wanted. Did what he did.
For whatever reasons or excuses.

At the beginning, I thought we wanted THE SAME THINGS.
I think that's why I had some hope, but it was false hope, I guess.

Maybe I do it to myself for having hope at all... 

BUT I WASN'T PLAYING GAMES.
I WANTED WHAT I WANTED, AT THAT TIME.

WHATEVER IT ENDED UP BEING... 

IT'S NOT FOR ME.
TOO IN MY HEAD, NOW.

How can I trust someone who can't see anything about me?

I get how people who are around game players....
GET GOOD AT PLAYING GAMES.

BUT NOT EVERYONE ACTUALLY WANTS TO PLAY GAMES.
AND ISN'T TRYING TO.

Maybe getting played with caused him to play with me....
But... HE NEVER HAD TO PLAY WITH ME.

When someone thinks they'll be cheated on etc... They do it first.

If someone thinks someone else will hurt them, 
THEY HURT THEM FIRST.

I'LL LEAVE YOU BEFORE YOU LEAVE ME.

AND IF I COULD HAVE LEFT A LONG TIME AGO?
AND DIDN'T? KEPT TRYING?

BUT THE HARDER I TRIED, THE MORE THEY THOUGHT
THAT I WOULD KEEP TRYING.

INSTEAD OF JUST SEEING HOW HARD I WAS TRYING AND WHY.

BUT WHY TRY TO CONVINCE ANYONE OF ANYTHING
THEY REFUSE TO SEE... ?

I'D BE DOING THAT THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY DO THAT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?
THAT WOULD BE MAKING LIFE HARDER FOR MYSELF.

HE'D DO THE SAME SH*T TO THE NEXT PERSON, TOO.
IF HE'D DO THIS SH*T TO ME.

BECAUSE I DIDN'T EVEN FKN DO ANYTHING TO THE GUY!
WHY WOULD I HAVE?

BUT COULD HE HAVE TREATED ME BETTER? FK YES!

LOOK HOW I TREATED MYSELF FOR STAYING AS LONG AS I DID!

A Long Time Ago

A long time ago.... One of the things I had wanted...
Was to get married.

Just to be loved enough to be married.
Just that.

I look back at the dudes I dated who I thought I'd marry.

Well.... Let's start with Mirror Smasher....
I thought he was the one I'd marry.
When I was four years old....

The father of my son.... I thought I'd marry.
I'm glad I didn't. 

1) There was no expansion in that relationship
2) It turns out I couldn't trust him

Would I have been "happy" had we gotten married?
Or would that have been emotionally abusive too?

There were things I needed to learn AFTER THAT ENDED.
FROM OTHER EXPERIENCES.

And about myself. 

I needed to gain some new perspectives...
To be able to see some things I wasn't seeing. 

Hard to see some things when you're right in it.

Like this:

When you're drunk... Other drunk people seem normal. 
When you're sober... Drunk people seem drunk.

It's like that with a lot of other things.

I get a heavy feeling that people are "spying" on me now....
It feels weird... I thought they "got on" with their life, like I did.

Why wouldn't I think that? I did! Right?

Did he try to come back because there was something "planned"?
Like.... Did someone else "send him"?

I have a feeling that it was more than just him.

It wasn't just Mirror Smasher. I know that for a fact!

HE WAS USED TO GET TO ME, TOO.
WHETHER HE KNOWS IT, OR NOT.

I DGAF IF HE DOES OR NOT. I KNOW.

Should I care who realizes what or never does?

OR SHOULD I CARE ABOUT WHAT I REALIZE?

I can only do something with what I realize!
NOT WITH SOMETHING SOMEONE ELSE REFUSES TO REALIZE!
RIGHT?

Can I do anything with that? Or nothing?

Can I honestly do ANYTHING with something someone....
REFUSES TO REALIZE?

Could they do anything with something I refused to realize? No?

THERE WAS A TIME I WAS LIKE THAT!
I REFUSED TO REALIZE CERTAIN THINGS!
I WAS STUBBORN TOO!

IMAGINE THAT!

MAYBE THAT'S WHY IT TOOK SO LONG?
FOR ME TO REALIZE SOME THINGS... 

THAT I COULD HAVE REALIZED....
WHEN I WAS REFUSING TO REALIZE IT.

RIGHT?

And maybe THAT'S WHAT I WAS TRYING TO TELL PEOPLE
WHO WERE REFUSING TO REALIZE CERTAIN THINGS!

HMMM!

But why would they LISTEN TO SOMEONE AS "TOXIC"
AS I AM?

OR "VOLATILE"? 

BUT THEY DEFINED ME WITH THEIR BS.... 
AND TREATED ME LIKE SH*T BECAUSE OF IT.... 

AND I DECIDED.... NOPE.

NOT DOING THAT SH*T.
BECAUSE I DID THAT SH*T ALREADY.

Maybe I had to do that sh*t to realize some things about that sh*t.

Carrying anything one-sided.... Would be exhausting. 

I heard that I get strung along because of my energy.
They try to keep me around for the wrong reasons.
AND DON'T KNOW HOW TO TREAT ME.

AND EXPECT ME TO ACCEPT BEING TREATED....
ANY TYPE OF WAY.

FK NO.

THAT ISN'T A "MISTAKE."
THAT'S AN EXPECTATION.

Someone who acted like he didn't gaf... 
Suddenly coming back... Smells funny.

Right?

Could have tried to set me up or something.
I hope not, but I don't know anymore. 

I never did, honestly. Isn't that scary?
Isn't that enough to want to leave that alone?

Knowing there were more people involved is enough.

Do I have to know exactly who said exactly what?
To know that it was BS?

And to know what resulted from it?

Weird to be watched after being discarded, though.

Didn't see that coming, either.

Didn't see this BS coming, but it did.

But I think it was to recognize it FASTER.

SO THAT I DEAL WITH LESS AND LESS OF IT.
UNTIL I DON'T.

Should I care when dudes make bad investments?
OR TRY TO WAIT ME OUT?

WAIT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AFTER WALKING AWAY!
FOR ME TO RETURN!

BECAUSE YOU.... WALKED.... AWAY. ALREADY.

So should I return? Nope! I shouldn't.
GAVE THEM WHAT THEY WANTED.

SO THEY CAN'T BE MAD AT ME FOR THAT!

Grieving What I Wanted

I think what it really is.... It opened up an old wound.
Something I thought was healed... 

Because it wasn't being activated constantly...
Doesn't mean that it wasn't still there, I guess. 

Underneath that....
I had to address that.

Within myself.

He was a catalyst in some ways...
But.... It's up to me to do the rest.

It was always up to me.

To know what I want and what I deserve...
AND WHAT I DON'T.

It goes to show that COMMUNICATION AND MATURITY
IS FKN IMPORTANT AF TO ME....

ACCOUNTABILITY IS IMPORTANT TO ME.

IF HE HAD ANYTHING TO HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE FOR....
I'D FKN EXPECT HIM TO!

I SHOULDN'T ACT ALL SURPRISED....
AND TRY TO ACT LIKE I DID FK ALL....
IF I DID DO SOMETHING, RIGHT?

OR BLAME SOMEONE ELSE
TO TRY TO JUSTIFY IT.

THAT'S IMMATURE SH*T.

I USED TO DO THAT SH*T, HONESTLY.
I BLAMED OTHER PEOPLE....
FOR SH*T I DID.

MAYBE I DID THAT BECAUSE I'D BEEN BLAMED FOR SH*T
THAT WASN'T MY FAULT.

A LEARNED BEHAVIOR.
DOESN'T EXCUSE IT OR JUSTIFY IT.
IT'S BS NOT TO BE LIKE:
"YES, I DID THAT SH*T. IT'S ON ME."

Would it be fair of me to do a bunch of sh*t and be like:
I DID THIS BECAUSE YOU WERE XYZ?

OR: I DID XYZ AND THAT WAS MY CHOICE. ???

Like... A conversation I had about when I was a teen....
My mom did something.... THAT AFFECTED ME....

AND SHE BLAMED SOMEONE ELSE.
FOR DOING IT.

The truth is that SHE SIGNED HER RIGHTS TO ME AWAY.

HER RIGHTS WERE NOT TAKEN FROM HER.
SHE SIGNED THEM AWAY.

MINE WERE TAKEN FROM ME.
I DIDN'T SIGN THEM AWAY.

SHE DID.

SHE ACTED LIKE IT WAS THEIR FAULT.
TO GET SYMPATHY ABOUT IT.

BUT IT WAS HER CHOICE.

And even after that.....
I still connect with her from time to time....

BUT THINGS CHANGED.

THINGS WEREN'T EVER.... GOLDEN. 

I WAS AN "ACCIDENT."
I WAS PROBABLY "GOT DRUNK AT A PARTY."

YEAH, I WANTED TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER.
BUT I HAD TO HAVE WHAT SHE WAS ON.

SHE IS WHERE SHE IS.
SHE'S BEEN WHERE SHE HAS BEEN.

I HAD TO SEE THAT TO REALIZE....
THAT ALTHOUGH THINGS COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER....
THEY WERE THE WAY THEY WERE...
AND ARE THE WAY THEY ARE.

JUST THAT.

I DON'T HAVE TO WANT WHAT I USED TO, EITHER.

I CAN MOURN WHAT I WANTED.
THE STABILITY I WANTED, THERE.

I CAN MOURN EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED. OKAY?
AND AFTER THAT.... I WILL HAVE ALREADY GRIEVED IT.

THEN WHAT? WOULD WANTING IT BE THE SAME? NO?

WOULD I EVEN WANT IT ANYMORE? NO?

WOULD I EVEN BE THE SAME PERSON?

AFTER GRIEVING IT?

PROBABLY NOT!

RIGHT?

That's what most people don't understand. 

Because when I grieve something, it changes things.
And changes me.

That's to be expected. Right?

Like if someone already grieved me....
THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT. 
RIGHT?

I'D HAVE TO EXPECT THAT.

It Was Supposed To Show Me Things

It was supposed to show me what I was putting up with.

People can't act confused when they know what they were doing.
They chose to do those things, right?

Like Mirror Smasher chose to smash my antique family heirloom...
THAT WASN'T AN ACCIDENT.
THAT WASN'T A "MISUNDERSTANDING."

It was supposed to show me:
WHO WAS FOR ME AND WHO WASN'T.

IT SHOWED ME:
WHAT THEY CHOSE TO CHOOSE.

It showed me things about them that they didn't realize they were showing me.

BUT I DIDN'T SEE THAT I COULD LOOK AT THINGS PEOPLE SHOWED ME.
ABOUT THEMSELVES.

ABOUT HOW THEY THOUGHT OF ME....
TO TREAT ME LIKE THAT.

If there's no accountability....
THERE'S NO CHANGE.

IF THERE'S NO RESPECT, NO CHANGE!

NO UNDERSTANDING, NO CHANGE.

NO CHANGE = NO ACCESS.
NO CHANGE = REPEATED BS.

But yeah, all that was sitting heavy on me, still.
After all these years, I guess. 

I don't know why! I thought I got it all out a long time ago!

Maybe it felt even more insulting that nothing had changed... ?
Maybe it felt insulting because it was audacious!
Maybe it felt insulting to who I had to become to get over all of that the first time.
Maybe those and other things.

Maybe a bunch of things I haven't thought of yet.
Maybe more will come up; maybe it won't.

Maybe I'm good now.
Good to go.

Can't "predict" someone who HAD TO CHANGE.
"PEOPLE RARELY VALUE A CERTAINTY."
THEY WERE CERTAIN ABOUT ME, OR SO THEY THOUGHT.

THEY GOT TOO COMFORTABLE.
HAD TO BE....
TO DO ME LIKE THAT....

But it showed me who would do me like that....
AND WHO WOULDN'T.

BECAUSE THOSE WHO WOULDN'T....
WOULDN'T.

They just.... Wouldn't.

Showed me what they WOULD DO....
BECAUSE THEY DID DO THAT.

SHOWED ME WHY THEY DID THAT, TOO.

They can think back to when they were trying to destroy me... 
Or whatever tf they were trying to do.

They wanted to see me down and out.
BECAUSE IT MADE THEM FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEMSELF.

DID THEY WANT TO SEE ME UP AND HAPPY?

PEOPLE WHO TRY TO USE PEOPLE
ARE SCARED TO BE USED AND HURT.

BUT IF YOU DO THAT SH*T TO SOMEONE
WHO WOULDN'T DO THAT SH*T TO YOU......

YOU GET IT FROM SOMEONE ELSE.

If I went back to that, it would only be the same sh*t... 
TO TRY TO AFFECT ME.

I see that sh*t. Very easily. I don't respect it. 

OF COURSE I WAS GOING TO RECOVER, THE FIRST TIME.

DUDES THINK THAT BREAKING MY HEART
WILL "RUIN" ME.

YOU KNOW HOW MUCH SH*T I HAD TO RECOVER FROM?

A LOT OF SH*T.

I've recovered from a lot more than a "broken heart."

MORE THAN THAT BS... 

But look! I overcame that, too!