Exclusion (Part 2)

The thing is that when you know yourself...
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CAN DO...
WHAT YOU CAN'T YET...
WHAT YOU NEVER KNEW YOU COULD DO...

Here's something...
THE THINGS MOST NEVER KNEW YOU COULD DO...
ARE THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW YOU COULD DO, EITHER.

It's okay to:

1) Surprise yourself
2) Surprise other people

I'VE BEEN THROUGH SO MANY THINGS....
"ALONE"
THAT I DID SURPRISE MYSELF.

SURPRISINGLY.

It's that it's okay.... TO MISS THINGS ABOUT PEOPLE...
BUT IT IS NOT THE SAME THING

AS MISSING THE PERSON.

IT DID STING, A LOT OF IT.

BUT KNOWING IT COULD HAVE TURNED OUT
SO MUCH BETTER
STINGS A BIT MORE

THAN HOW IT WENT.

IF THAT MAKES SENSE.

SO I'D RATHER MAKE THAT DIFFERENCE FOR MYSELF.

BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND MY SIDE.
I UNDERSTAND WHAT I WENT THROUGH.
I UNDERSTAND HOW I SEE IT.

THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

I'M ALLOWED TO JUST REST FFS!
AND APPRECIATE MY OWN VALUE!

WHY PUSH ME TO PROVE MYSELF CONSTANTLY?
IF YOU DON'T KNOW ME, YOU DON'T!

I'M COOL WITH THAT.
I WILL BE COOL WITH THAT.

EVERYONE ELSE CAN BE COOL WITH THAT.
AND IF NOT? THAT'S ON THEM. NOT ON ME.

"IF EVERYONE DOUBTS YOU.... YOU WON'T MOVE FORWARD!"
REALLY?

WHY DID YOU WANT ME TO THINK THAT?
SO THAT I WOULDN'T?

WHAT NOW?

THE THING ABOUT BEING CREATIVE...
IS THAT ONLY YOU CAN LIMIT IT
WITH YOUR OWN BELIEFS.

OTHER PEOPLE'S BELIEFS
DON'T HAVE TO HAVE MUCH TO DO WITH YOU.

ESPECIALLY PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW YOU.

I CAN "CLOAK" FOR A REASON.

BUT I MOSTLY DO IT TO SEE. JUST TO SEE.
BECAUSE IT'S BEEN INCREASINGLY HARD TO SEE
IF I CAN ACTUALLY TRUST ANYONE.

VERY FEW I ACTUALLY TRUST.
BUT THEY'VE SHOWN ME THAT I CAN.

OR AT LEAST I THINK THEY HAVE.... TO AN EXTENT.

THERE ARE A BUNCH I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST...
BUT? COULD I?

SURPRISINGLY COULDN'T. 
DISAPPOINTINGLY.

I'M ALLOWED TO REST.
I'M ALLOWED TO EXIST.
JUST TO BE HERE AND SLEEP SOMETIMES.

----------------------------------------------------------------

I'VE HAD TO KEEP TRYING TO FORGIVE MYSELF
FOR THE SH*T I PUT MYSELF THROUGH.

INVESTING TOO MUCH
WHERE I SHOULDN'T HAVE...

NOT WHERE I SHOULD HAVE.

ACCEPTANCE.... IS A BIG ONE.
CLARITY.

ACCEPTANCE ISN'T THE SAME AS TOLERANCE, THOUGH.

A LOT OF PEOPLE MISTAKE THOSE.
ONE FOR THE OTHER.
THEY ARE SEPARATE.

SOME THINGS ARE HARD TO TELL APART, I GUESS.

I STILL HAVE A HEART AND CAN STILL USE IT.
BUT I HAVE TO USE MY HEAD, TOO.

I CAN'T JUST BE LIKE:
"PLEASE BE THE PERSON I HOPE YOU ARE."

BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I MOVED.

MOVING LIKE THAT.... 
WASN'T A STRATEGY.

IT WAS WHO I WAS.

I REALIZED I CAN'T DO THAT
BECAUSE THE PEOPLE AROUND ME
WEREN'T THE PEOPLE I THOUGHT THEY WERE.

WISH THEY WERE, BUT? WERE THEY?

I WISH!

I WISHED! 

RIGHT?

BUT WHAT IS GETTING MAD AT ME
FOR BEING MAD AT THEM

SUPPOSED TO DO?

IF IT WAS GOING TO GO SOMEWHERE
IT WOULDN'T HAVE GONE LIKE THAT.

AND NOT GETTING EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANTED
EXACTLY HOW THEY WANTED

WHEN I AM NOT OBLIGATED TO PROVIDE
WHAT I USED TO.

AND GHOSTING ME IS GOING TO DO WHAT?

SIGNALS TO ME THAT I DON'T HAVE TO
KEEP INVESTING
WHERE AND HOW I WAS.

THAT'S ALL.

IT'S A SIGNAL.

SEND THAT SIGNAL TO ME
AND I DON'T HAVE TO GO THERE.

I CAN STAY "DEAD" TO YOU.
RIGHT?

AND IF I CHOOSE TO?
THEN WHAT?

AND WHY GET JEALOUS AFTER DOING IT?
WHY GET "POSSESSIVE"?

NOBODY OWNS ME.
I AM A PERSON.

IF THEY HAVE SOME THINGS TO LEARN....
AM I SUPPOSED TO TEACH THEM?
OR CAN THEY LEARN THAT WITHOUT ME?

PRETTY SURE THEY CAN!

I LEARNED A LOT WITHOUT MOST.

THEY DIDN'T KNOW ME.
BACK THEN.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW MYSELF.
BACK THEN.

NOW THAT I DO....
I CAN KEEP THAT TO MYSELF.

SURE I CAN WRITE ABOUT SOME THINGS.
BUT SOME THINGS I WANT TO KEEP TO MYSELF.

I'M NOT OBLIGATED TO SHARE EVERYTHING.

NEVER WAS OBLIGATED TO.

ANYTHING I SHARE ON HERE.... IS JUST THERE.

NOT BECAUSE I'M OBLIGATED.

WEIRDLY, THEY WANT TO REJECT ME A BILLION TIMES...
AND THEN FEEL A TYPE OF WAY
THAT I'M OKAY
WITHOUT THEM.

NOT SURE WHY.
DIDN'T WANT ME.... REJECTED ME....
AND THEN?

I SAID OKAY. GOOD TO KNOW.

ISN'T IT? GOOD TO KNOW? YEAH?

SO THEN WHY.... AFTER THAT....
CHANGE THEIR MIND?

ALREADY THOUGHT XYZ ABOUT ME....
OKAY. GOOD TO KNOW.

NOT GOING TO WASTE TIME TRYING TO
"CHANGE" THEIR MIND.

BUT WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO MANIPULATE ME
THEY KINDA GET MAD WHEN THEY CAN'T.

THE GASLIGHTING STUFF.

LIES FOLLOW PEOPLE AROUND.
THEY FOLLOW PEOPLE WHO TELL THEM.

I FOUND IT MORE THAN COINCIDENTAL
THAT A GIANT CROSS HIT THAT PRIEST.

THERE'S GRAVITY, YES.

BUT SOME THINGS AREN'T JUST COINCIDENTAL.

Anyway... Been getting headaches again.... 
Been tired. 

Hard to think sometimes. Just been so much on my mind.
I don't like being targeted. 

I wondered why they would do that.
They get some satisfaction out of it.

THEY CHOSE NOT TO JUST STOP WITH THEIR CRAP.
THEY COULD HAVE.

They want me affected or "discouraged"
OR BOTH.

WANTED ME TO LOOK DISTORTED
WHILE DISTORTING ME.

"MISERY LOVES COMPANY."
TAKING PRIDE IN DOING THAT CRAP.

JUST TO CREATE A "MOUNTAIN" FOR ME.
TO "GET OVER."

RIGHT?

SO THAT I'D BE TOO BUSY DOING THAT...
INSTEAD OF DOING OTHER THINGS...

"RUINING HER REPUTATION WILL RUIN HER MENTAL HEALTH!"
HA. IF THAT'S WHAT THEY THINK.

THEY HATE MY RESILIENCE.
BECAUSE THEY AREN'T THINKING THEY COULD HAVE THEIR OWN.

I AM RESILIENT BECAUSE OF ALL THE "MOUNTAINS."

A LOT I HAD TO "GET OVER."

WHAT KIND OF VIEWS FROM THE "MOUNTAIN"?

Clout chasers wanted to see me hurt.

Not sure why clout would be "that important"
to try to "hurt" me for.

They don't want to see me come out of my past stuff...
But want to try to duplicate some things about me.

Then... There are times when some people try to do things
whether or not they know what they are doing...
Seems they try to test boundaries with me, a lot.

I REALLY DON'T LIKE IT.

I can let people fight their imaginary battles.

I'm not in high school anymore.
THAT HS BS..... IS STILL BS.

WANTING ME TO "FIGHT" THEM.

I KNOW THAT PEOPLE WANT TO TRY TO EMBARRASS ME.

THEY TRY TO ALL THE TIME.

FOR A LONG TIME.

YOU THINK I EMBARRASS EASILY?

I CAN STILL HAVE GRACE.
IT SUCKS, BUT I CAN STILL HAVE GRACE.

Mind Shift (Part 3)

Why would I "compete"
when it's hard enough just to "exist"?

Would be nice to just be allowed to exist
WITHOUT 1/8 OF THE BS. AT LEAST.

When I'm upset, I could write about it
OR "ACT OUT" LIKE I'M "EXPECTED" TO.

WHAT DO YOU THINK I DO?

I COULD HAVE CALLED HIM OUT A LONG TIME AGO!
RIGHT?

DID I?

HE COULD HAVE LEFT ME ALONE
AND I PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE SAID ANYTHING!

RIGHT?

THEY ARE AFRAID BECAUSE I SEE WHAT THEY ARE DOING!
THEY THOUGHT I WOULDN'T SEE IT, MAYBE. BUT I DO!

SOME OF IT IS OBVIOUS.
SOME OF IT WAS SUBTLE.

SOME OF IT... IT TOOK ME A WHILE...
BECAUSE I DON'T THINK LIKE THAT.

I DON'T THINK LIKE AN OPPORTUNIST.
BECAUSE I'M NOT ONE.

I HAD TO THINK ABOUT A LOT OF THAT STUFF.
FOR THE FIRST TIME.... MORE AND MORE.

OPPORTUNISTS WANT THINGS.

I HAD TO THINK ABOUT THE THINGS PEOPLE WANT...
TOOK A WHILE.
BECAUSE WHAT SOME PEOPLE WANT....
I DON'T GAF ABOUT.

SOME PEOPLE REALLY GIVE TOO MUCH OF A FK ABOUT IT.

DID I USED TO CARE ABOUT SOME THINGS?

SOME THINGS.
NOT EVERYTHING.

IF I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT LIKE THIS...
THERE IS A REASON I'M THINKING ABOUT IT.

WHAT MOST OF IT IS... IS INFO.
THEY WANT TO KNOW WHAT I KNOW.
WHAT I "REMEMBER."
FROM "THEN."

HOW I CAN BALANCE THINGS OUT.
THAT'S FOR ME.

I COULDN'T EXPLAIN THAT IN 
THE WAY THAT'D MAKE THE MOST SENSE.

NOT RIGHT NOW, MAYBE FOR A DEEPER POST.
NOT THIS ONE.

TONIGHT'S ABOUT RESTING.

HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO REST
HAVING TO DEAL WITH THAT BS?

AGAIN?

PEOPLE THINK XYZ ABOUT ME
BASED ON HOW I LOOK.

DO I CONTROL HOW I LOOK?
OR DO I JUST LOOK HOW I LOOK?

MISHANDLED BECAUSE I WAS MISLABELED.

SURE, I KNOW SOME DUDES.
I ASSOCIATE WITH SOME MALE FRIENDS.

PEOPLE I TRUST WHO I CAN CHILL WITH.
ACTUAL FRIENDS.

THEM BEING A DUDE AND ME BEING A FEMALE
DOESN'T MEAN I WANT TO FK MY FRIENDS FFS.

I'M NOT THE MOST ATTRACTIVE, 
BUT I'M NOT LOOKING AT MYSELF AS ANYTHING, EITHER.

NOT TRYING TO BE ANYTHING.
JUST A WRITER.

AND IF SOMEONE DOES NOT TRUST ME...
I'M NOT GOING TO FORCE THEM TO.

THERE WERE ONLY A FEW DUDES I HAD CONSIDERED DATING.
IN THE LAST 15 OR SO YEARS.

BEEN GOOD ON MY OWN LATELY.
LESS STRESS.

CAN'T EVEN TALK TO MOST PEOPLE.
MOST PEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOW ME.

MOST PEOPLE ASSUME THINGS....
THEY ASSUME WHATEVER SOMETHING "IMPLIES."

WITHOUT ASKING ME WHATEVER.

STRANGE.

COULD BE AS EASY AS TO ASK.

RIGHT?

I DON'T USUALLY TELL PEOPLE VERY MUCH ANYMORE.
MOST DON'T LISTEN.

IF THEY ASK, THEY WANT TO KNOW!
RIGHT?

THEN THEY'LL LISTEN?

I'VE HAD A LOT OF TIME TO THINK THIS WEEK.

THE PRISM STUFF CAME OUT ALRIGHT, I THINK.
I THINK I EXPLAINED IT OKAY.

THAT WAS A DECENT POST.

JUST WAS BUGGING ME THAT I EVEN HAD THAT CRAP ON MY MIND.
BECAUSE I CAN'T HAVE ALL THINGS ON MY MIND
AT THE SAME TIME...

AND I HAVE OTHER THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
I THINK THAT'S WHAT WAS BUGGING ME!

THAT'S WHY I WANT TO SHIFT MY MIND OFF OF IT.
THAT'S WHY I'M TRYING TO REST TONIGHT.

AND NOT GO VERY DEEP TONIGHT.

HOW CAN HE BE ALL LIKE... THINKING I'D WAIT????

GRRR. I'D RATHER BE THINKING ABOUT OTHER THINGS!

I SWEAR PEOPLE DO THAT SH*T ON PURPOSE!

Anyway... It seems some people WANT me to argue with them....

BECAUSE THEY WANT ME TO EVENTUALLY AGREE WITH THEM!

AND IT BUGGED THEM THAT I DON'T!

BUT AM I SUPPOSED TO ARGUE WITH THEM
JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT ME TO ARGUE WITH THEM?

I ALSO... CAN'T DECIDE FOR PEOPLE.
WHAT OR WHO MATTERS TO THEM AND WHO DOESN'T.

CAN'T FORCE THEM TO CARE.

BUT SHOULD I CARE IF THEY DO OR NOT?

SOME KINDNESS WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL, THOUGH.
THOUGHT THAT SHOULDN'T BE HARD.

DIDN'T SEEM TO BE THAT HARD, DECENCY...

A LONG TIME AGO.....
UNLESS I HAD SOME LIMITED SCOPE.

PROBABLY DID!

BESIDES REST, WHAT DO I NEED?

DO I NEED HIM TO ACKNOWLEDGE ANYTHING?
TO BE ABLE TO FIND PEACE FOR MYSELF?

THAT WON'T HAPPEN!

IF IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN, IT WOULD HAVE.
DO I TRULY NEED HIM TO ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND ANYTHING?

ANYTHING I WAS SAYING? THE WHOLE TIME?
IF HE WAS GOING TO... HE WOULD HAVE!

WHAT I WANTED?
WAS FOR HIM TO UNDERSTAND
WHY SOMETHING MIGHT HAVE STUNG?

DID I WANT HIM TO "HURT" LIKE I DID?
NO?

I WISHED HIM WELL!
I DIDN'T EXPLICITLY TELL HIM TO FK RIGHT OFF!

RIGHT?

IF I WANTED TO WISH XYZ ON HIM....
I WOULD HAVE?

BUT? I WANTED TO WISH HIM WELL?

I HAD TO LEARN TO LIVE DIFFERENTLY
IN THE LAST 12 YEARS

BECAUSE OF SOME OTHER PEOPLE.
AFTER HIM.

RIGHT?

BUT DO I REALLY NEED THE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT?

NOT REALLY!

WAS I LOOKING FOR IT?

MAYBE A PART OF ME WAS....

BUT I JUST WANTED SOME FKN UNDERSTANDING!!!!!!!!

TO ME, CERTAIN THINGS SHOULD NOT BE HARD TO UNDERSTAND.

IF I WANTED HIM TO FACE THE MUSIC OR WHATEVER....
I WOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING TO HIM OR ABOUT HIM.

BUT I ONLY EVEN SPOKE TO THE DUDE
BECAUSE HE "POPPED UP."

NOT BECAUSE I WAS EVEN INTERESTED IN ANYTHING
HE ACTUALLY HAD TO SAY TO ME.

DID IT MATTER?
NOTHING HE DID SEEMED TO.
NOTHING I FELT SEEMED TO.

SEEMED HE WANTED MY LOYALTY....
BUT I DON'T TRUST EASY LIKE THAT.

I USED TO.

I HAVE TO STRUGGLE JUST TO REMEMBER
WHAT PEACE IS SUPPOSED TO FEEL LIKE

BECAUSE I SPENT TOO LONG BEING EXPECTED
TO PUT UP WITH BS.

WAY TOO LONG.

It matters more that I get to acknowledge it.

WAR...
Witness, Acknowledge, Release.

I can acknowledge things by writing about them.
I can release it again.

Witnessing it is just experiencing it.

Anyway. It is a "processing" trick.

PEACE DOES NOT REQUIRE THEIR AGREEMENT.
I DON'T NEED THEIR PERMISSION
TO BE AT PEACE. 

PEACE IS SOMETHING I CAN CHOOSE FOR MYSELF.
WITH OR WITHOUT ANYONE.

BUT IT'S NOT UP TO THEM.
HOW I FIND IT,
HOW I MAINTAIN IT WHEN I DO.
INTERNALLY.

Maybe I'll write about that one day.
But I guess I'd like to be closer to that before I do.

I saw EyeBall today lol.

A dude I made a joke with in the elevator one day.

I had something in my eye.

"I got something in my eyeball."
"Sorry to hear that."
"It's better than having an eyeball in my something."

We both laughed. 

Sometimes I blurt stuff out like that.

When I'm in a good mood.

Like I said, I had to think about what some people could want.
BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT ANY OF THAT.

Some people want power and control.

I DON'T WANT IT BECAUSE I HAVE MY OWN.
MY INNER POWER AND SELF-CONTROL.

THAT IS WHY I DON'T WANT IT. I HAVE THAT.
THAT'S WHY I DON'T HAVE TO FIGHT ANYONE
ABOUT THE TRUTH.

HE WANTED ME TO BE IN A CYCLE
WHERE HE WANTED TO BE HEARD
BUT WOULD NEVER LISTEN TO ME.

BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO.

UNABLE TO HEAR ANYTHING
THAT DIDN'T "ALIGN" WITH HIS "REALITY."

THAT'S WHY NOTHING WAS GOING TO CHANGE!

AND IF I JUST WANTED TO BE HEARD AND UNDERSTOOD....
AND IF THAT WASN'T GOING TO HAPPEN...
BECAUSE THERE WAS ZERO EMOTIONAL MATURITY.

IF HE TOLD ME XYZ.... AND HE WANTED ME TO THINK ABOUT IT....

JUST THAT.... WOULD I NOT THINK ABOUT IT?

INSTEAD OF TELLING HIM WHAT I THOUGHT 
HE WANTED TO HEAR?

IF SOMEONE'S SO FULL OF BS
THAT THEY CAN'T SEE THEIR OWN BS.....

WHAT CAN YOU TELL THEM?
TO GET THEM TO SEE IT?

ANYTHING?

WORDS ARE WORDS....
BUT ACTIONS ARE ACTIONS.

IF THEY DON'T MATCH....
THAT IS FOR A REASON.

HE WASN'T GOING TO CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!
I DID!!!!!!!!!!

AND BECAUSE I DID.....
I WAS HOPING HE WOULD, TOO!

BUT DO MOST PEOPLE EVEN KNOW HOW TO CHANGE?

WHEN THEY ARE SO SUPERFICIAL?
TOO SHALLOW?

IF HE WAS DEEP.... HE WOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT IT!

I WOULD HAVE BEEN ALLOWED TO SAY IT!
AND HE WOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT IT!

WE DON'T OPERATE FROM THE SAME PLACE.

HE WANTED ACCESS TO MY ENERGY.
IT WASN'T ABOUT ME.

IF IT WAS ABOUT ME, HE WOULD HAVE HEARD ME!

SOME PEOPLE SEE SOME THINGS ABOUT ME, TOO.
SOME THINGS THAT THEY WANT.

BUT THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO ATTAIN IT.

BUT??????? THEY WON'T LISTEN.....

SO I COULDN'T TELL THEM....
EVEN IF THEY WANTED TO KNOW!!!!!!!!!

RESPECT = HEARING WHAT THEY ARE SAYING.

CARING!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THEY ARE SAYING!

ENOUGH TO???? UNDERSTAND IT!

BUT? NOT EVERYONE IS ON THE SAME LEVEL.

HE WANTED MY LOYALTY! NOT ME! RIGHT?

PEOPLE LIKE THINGS ABOUT ME!
THEY LIKE MY PATIENCE SO MUCH.....
THEY LIKE BEING SUPPORTED EMOTIONALLY!
THEY LIKE HAVING MY CONSIDERATION!
THEY LIKE MY HONESTY!
THEY LIKE THAT I AM FAIR!
MORE THAN FAIR!

THEY LIKE THAT I DON'T OPERATE
LIKE A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE DO!

CAN DUDES TALK???????
OR DO THEY ONLY KNOW HOW TO ARGUE?
SO THEY CAN BLAME ME
FOR THEIR ARGUING?????

JUST TO CALL ME "DIFFICULT"?

INSTEAD OF THINKING??????
ABOUT WHAT I SAID?????

WAS I DEFENDING MYSELF PUBLICLY?
FOR OTHERS TO HEAR IT?

OR WAS I DOING IT PRIVATELY?

BECAUSE IF THEY HEARD ME
DEFENDING MYSELF.....

THEY MIGHT HAVE KNOWN!!!!!!!
WHAT I SAID!!!!!!!!!

AND WHY??????????? MAYBE!

BUT BECAUSE I DID IT PRIVATELY

MY KINDNESS REMINDS THEM
OF HOW FKN LITTLE THEY WERE WILLING TO DO!!!!!!!!!

THEY GOT USED TO GETTING BENEFIT
FROM ME HAVING TO ADJUST
WITHOUT THEM FKN ADJUSTING

SO THEY CREATE REASONS TO "RESENT" ME
WHEN THEY HAD VERY FEW REASONS
TO ACTUALLY RESENT ME.

THEN ALL THE THINGS THEY LIKED ABOUT ME....
THEY TWIST.

TO TRY TO AVOID THEIR OWN SH*T.

THEN THOSE ARE THE EXCUSES THEY USE...
TO TRY TO JUSTIFY THEIR BS.

INSTEAD OF??????
LOOKING AT THEIR BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND ANY TIME I WANTED THEM TO JUST
LOOK AT THEIR BS....

THEY WOULDN'T!!!!!!!!!!!
IT MADE THEM ANGRY THAT I WANTED THEM TO!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEN THEY GET MAD THAT I LEARN
TO LIVE WITHOUT THEM

THEY EXPECT THINGS LIKE FOR ME TO
KEEP REPAIRING 
"THE RELATIONSHIP"

BECAUSE THEY LIKED IT!
THAT I COULD!

SO THEY EXPECTED IT!

THEN?????
I "BECAME" TOO COLD?

BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T APPRECIATE ME?

SO THEY CAN HAVE MY SILENCE?

THEY JUST WANTED ME TO KEEP "CARING"
WITHOUT ANYTHING.

NOT EVEN LOOKING AT THEIR BS!

LIKE TWISTING EVERYTHING ABOUT ME.
JUST TO USE THEM TO REJECT ME.

IS THAT SH*T FAIR? NO?

IF PEOPLE CAN ACT LIKE I DON'T MATTER......
I CAN DO THAT TO THEM!

THEY WANT MY ATTENTION, THOUGH.
RIGHT?

MY ENERGY. 
THE THINGS THEY LIKE.

WELL? I LIKE SOME THINGS, TOO!

THEY THOUGHT MY FEELINGS FOR THEM......
WOULD JUST "KEEP ME THERE."

KNOWING I WASN'T "HAPPY"
BUT REFUSED TO REALIZE WHY?

CARING ABOUT SOMEONE
DOESN'T MEAN I SHOULD HAVE JUST
KEPT ACCEPTING
EVERYTHING THEY EXPECT ME TO!

"IF A*** HAS BEEN TREATED UNFAIRLY...
SHE WOULD DEFEND HERSELF!"

AND DIDN'T I ALREADY EXPLAIN MYSELF
TEN MILLION TIMES?

BEFORE I STOPPED TRYING TO?

DID ANYONE HE LIED TO ME ABOUT......
AND ACCEPTED ALL THE ACCUSATIONS....

EVER ASK ME ANYTHING ABOUT ME?
DID THEY KNOW ME?

THEY JUST KNEW HIM?
AND KNEW HIS EXCUSES?

WERE THEY ASKING HOW
"DIFFICULT" HE WAS BEING?
ON PURPOSE?

BUT THEY TOOK HIS EXCUSES AS FACTS?
WITHOUT ASKING ME ANYTHING?

HE DIDN'T ASK ME ANYTHING.

IF HE HAD, MAYBE HE WOULD UNDERSTAND?
IF THEY HAD, MAYBE THEY WOULD UNDERSTAND?

THEY WANTED PEOPLE
TO AGREE WITH THEIR EXCUSES!

GET IT?

IF I COULDN'T EVEN TELL SOMEONE
HOW I FKN FEEL.... 

BECAUSE THEY FKN DISMISS ME
ALL THE DAMN TIME.....

I'M NOT GOING TO WANT TO
BE "CLOSE" TO THEM.

BECAUSE I COULDN'T FEEL THAT.

I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO DEFEND MYSELF
AND MY FEELINGS
ALL THE FKN TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JUST TO HAVE THAT SH*T TURNED ONTO ME!

JUST TO BE LIED ABOUT!

LIKE DEFENDING MY HONOR.......
WAS THE ISSUE! ABOUT ME!

WHY SHOULD I HAVE HAD TO?

YOU WANT TO DRAG ME THROUGH THE MUD?
AND THEN STILL EXPECT MY LOYALTY?

WOULD YOU NOT FEEL INSULTED?

AND THEREFORE NOT WANT TO BE "CLOSE"
TO SOMEONE WHO CONSTANTLY
INSULTS YOU BY DOING THAT TO YOU?

PUTTING ME ON TRIAL LIKE I'M DOING THE THINGS
THAT THEY ARE DOING
JUST FOR HAVING AN ISSUE WITH SOMETHING
THEY ARE DOING
AND THEY ARE UPSET ABOUT IT.

AND I CAN RECONSIDER MY OPINIONS.

I'M GOING TO SEE HOW HE'S MAKING HIMSELF LOOK!
IF HE'S GOING TO MAKE HIMSELF LOOK LIKE
HE'S SOMEONE WHO WOULD DO XYZ..... 

THEN???? HE'S SOMEONE WHO WOULD DO XYZ!

SHOULDN'T I DEFEND MYSELF TO PEOPLE WHO WON'T LISTEN?
OR DEFEND ANYTHING ABOUT MYSELF
TO PEOPLE WHO WON'T LISTEN?

WOULD THERE BE A POINT IN DOING THAT?
IF THEY WON'T LISTEN...
IT SHOWS ME THEY ARE NOT PEOPLE WHO LISTEN!

SO THERE IS NO POINT IN DOING IT.

ESPECIALLY IF I ALREADY DEFENDED MYSELF, 
BEFORE.... MANY TIMES I TRIED TO.... 

BUT? DID THEY LISTEN?

SO????? WAS THERE A POINT?

IF THEY WERE GOING TO TREAT ME
AS THOUGH I HAD TO DEFEND MYSELF CONSTANTLY

EVEN DEFEND MY OWN THOUGHTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND STILL WOULDN'T LISTEN!!!!!!!!!!!!
OR PAY ATTENTION!!!!!!!!!!!

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO LISTEN
IS PAY ATTENTION!!!!!!!!!!!

FFS!!!!!!!!

RIGHT?

IF THEY WERE GOING TO TREAT ME LIKE THAT
AND LIKE NOTHING I SAID MATTERED ANYWAY
BECAUSE I APPARENTLY DON'T MATTER
IF NOTHING I SAY SEEMS TO MATTER

RIGHT?

SOME FKN BS RIGHT THERE!
TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT!

CONSTANTLY!

WOULD THEY WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT?
BY ME OR ANYONE ELSE?

NO?

BUT STILL WANT MY LOYALTY?????

GTFOH!

LIKE I SAID.....
THEY LIKE THINGS ABOUT ME....
AND THEY WANT THOSE THINGS...
BECAUSE THEY MISS THOSE THINGS....

ABOUT ME.....

BUT?????
IT WAS NEVER ABOUT ME.

JUST THOSE THINGS ABOUT ME.

THAT IS WHAT P*SSES ME OFF.

BECAUSE IT SHOULD BE ABOUT ME, TOO!
NOT JUST THOSE THINGS ABOUT ME!

BECAUSE THAT SH*T IS NOT FAIR!

RIGHT?

WOULD THAT BE FAIR?
IF I WERE ONLY INTERESTED IN THE "GOOD THINGS"
ABOUT A DUDE?

AND NOT THE DUDE, TOO?

IF I JUST DISREGARDED THE WHOLE DUDE....
AND JUST FOCUSED ON THE THINGS ABOUT HIM?
THE THINGS THAT I LIKE ABOUT HIM?

AND THEN GET MAD THAT HE DIDN'T OWE ME
THOSE THINGS ABOUT HIM?

IF I ACTED LIKE THAT?
TO HIM?

WELL? WHEN YOU DISCARD THE WHOLE GIRL....
YOU DON'T GO MISSING THE THINGS
ABOUT HER THAT YOU LIKED....

BECAUSE SHE'S NOT THOSE THINGS...
SHE IS HER.

THOSE WERE BONUS THINGS.

ABOUT HER.

NOT HER.

NOT THE SAME THING!

BECAUSE SHE IS NOT A THING!
OR THINGS ABOUT HER!

SHE IS AN ACTUAL HUMAN BEING.
A PERSON.

NOT SOMEONE TO HANG EXCUSES ON
TO TRY TO JUSTIFY
BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A PERSON!!!!!!!!!!

IF SHE "CAN'T" MATTER TO YOU....
BECAUSE YOU "CAN'T" CONSIDER HER
AN ACTUAL PERSON....

LET HER ACTUALLY MATTER!
AS THOUGH YOU WOULD WANT TO MATTER!
TO HER!

ONLY FAIR!

YES, WHEN THINGS ARE NOT FAIR
A WOMAN HAS A RIGHT TO BE UPSET ABOUT IT!

ABOUT NOT "MATTERING"
WHEN SHE HAS A RIGHT TO FKN MATTER!
FFS!

IF WOMEN DON'T..... WHY SHOULD MEN?
IF MEN DON'T.... WHY SHOULD WOMEN?

WOULD IT BE FAIR?
IF ONE MATTERED MORE THAN THE OTHER????

THEN????? HOW WOULD IT BE "FAIR" TO ME
IF I AM BEING TREATED LIKE I DON'T MATTER?

IF NOTHING I SAY "MATTERS"?
OR NOTHING I DO "MATTERS"?
OR NOTHING I ALREADY HAVEN'T DONE
TO ALREADY PROVE MYSELF? FFS?

BUT LIKE THINGS ABOUT ME, ALL TF YOU WANT!
AND THEN GET MAD????
THAT I NEVER OWE YOU THOSE THINGS?
ABOUT ME?

BUT THEN REFUSE TO SEE ME AS A PERSON?
JUST LIKE YOU?

WHO HAS FEELINGS JUST LIKE YOU?

WTF IS THAT BS????????
CAN THEY STOP WITH THAT BS?????????

EVER?????????

TODAY????????

FOREVER???????????

I SHOULD HAVE MATTERED!
NOT JUST EVERYTHING THEY LIKED ABOUT ME!

EASY TO MISS THE THINGS YOU LIKED!!!!!!!111 FFS!!!!!!!!!

NOT THE SAME THING AS MATTERING TO YOU!!!!!!!!
AND NOT THE SAME AS....
WANTING TO TREAT ME
AS THOUGH I MATTERED......
NOT JUST WHAT YOU LIKED ABOUT ME......
UNTIL I BECAME SOMEONE
WHO COULD JUST EXIST
WITHOUT THAT.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANTED.

I WANTED TO FKN MATTER TOO.
NOT JUST EVERYTHING ABOUT ME.

BECAUSE I KNOW HOW TO BE KIND, NICE, ETC.
IT TAKES ME A LOT MORE THAN ANYONE KNOWS
TO EVER GET CLOSE TO FKN ANYONE
ANYMORE.
WHENEVER I DID..... DID THAT MATTER?

IN THE END, IT DIDN'T MATTER.

APPARENTLY.

SO MY TRUST WENT OUT THE WINDOW, TOO.

IF I CAN'T TRUST SOMEONE WITH WHO I AM....
CAN I TRUST THEM?

WITH HOW I FEEL AND WHY?
CAN I TRUST THEM?

YES OR NO?

BECAUSE IF I COULD TRUST THEM WITH THAT....
IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SUCH A B*TCH....
FOR THEM TO UNDERSTAND THAT, RIGHT?

IT BEING A B*TCH TO UNDERSTAND ME...
DOES NOT MAKE ME A B*TCH.

JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR ON THAT....

BECAUSE IF YOU UNDERSTOOD ME....
MAYBE YOU MIGHT SEE THINGS
ABOUT YOURSELF....

AND THAT IS WHY A LOT OF PEOPLE RESENT ME.
I AM LIKE A MIRROR TO THEM.
THE MIRROR THEY DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT
BECAUSE I AM VERY HONEST.

EVEN TO MY DETRIMENT.

BECAUSE THEY RESENT ME FOR IT.

BUT.... DO YOU RESENT ME?
OR DO YOU RESENT THE TRUTH?

BECAUSE THOSE ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS.

AND FOR WHATEVER REASON...
A LOT OF PEOPLE CAN'T SEEM
TO TELL THOSE APART.

OR OTHER THINGS APART.

I CAN. 

IT MAKES THEM ANGRY THAT THEY CAN'T....

BUT IF THEY LISTENED....
MAYBE THEY COULD.

"WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"
SO YOU CAN DO THE THINGS I DO!
FKTARDED? OR WHAT?

SINCE YOU SEEM TO RESENT ME
ALL OF A SUDDEN....

WHY ARE SOME MEN....
SEEMINGLY SO SCARED.....
OF A WOMAN.....
HAVING A POINT?

HAVING ANY... INTELLIGENCE?
WHY ARE THEY "THREATENED" BY THAT?
WHY BE "INTIMIDATED" BY THAT?

WHY NOT BE INSPIRED BY THAT!?

WHAT IS IT ABOUT TAKING SOME INSPIRATION
IS "THREATENING"
TO SOME MEN?

NOT ALL MEN! SOME MEN!

WHAT KIND OF INSPIRATION?
THE KIND THAT LEADS TO UNDERSTANDING?

SO THAT YOU CAN SEE HER AS HER
NOT JUST THINGS ABOUT HER?

STARTING WITH THAT WOULD BE AWESOME!

BECAUSE HAVING THINGS TWISTED ABOUT HER
ISN'T GOING TO GET YOU TO SEE HER AS SHE IS
AND ALWAYS ACTUALLY WAS...

AND PEOPLE WILL TRY TO LOOK FOR THINGS
THAT DON'T EXIST
BECAUSE THEY THINK THERE MUST BE SOMETHING...
"SHE CAN'T POSSIBLY JUST BE WHO SHE IS..."
SO THEY LOOK FOR NOTHING LOL.

IT IS AMUSING SOMETIMES.
BUT THE FACT THAT IT KEEPS HAPPENING...
ISN'T REALLY AMUSING.

WELL IF THEY WEREN'T SO BUSY....
WITH RESENTING ME FOR STUPID REASONS....
OR JUST TRYING TO HAVE ME AROUND
BECAUSE YOU LIKE SOME THINGS ABOUT ME....
FORGOT THAT I'M A PERSON TOO.
NOT JUST THINGS YOU LIKED.

THAT ISN'T AMUSING, EITHER.

OR MAKING EXCUSES TO JUSTIFY BS.....

THEN MAYBE YOU WOULD HAVE HAD THE TIME
TO ASK ME AND LISTEN TO WHAT I HAD TO SAY.

"WHY ARE YOU UPSET RIGHT NOW?"

"WELL, XYZ IS BS.... BUT? WOULD YOU LISTEN?"

NO? YOU WOULDN'T?
SO IS THERE A POINT?

IF I DON'T SEE A POINT, I DON'T SEE ONE.
UNLESS YOU GET ME TO SEE IT....
BY SHOWING ME THAT YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M SAYING....

I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DEFEND MYSELF
JUST TO BE HEARD.

THAT. FOR A START.

BECAUSE THAT.... P*SSES ME OFF.

INSTEAD OF JUST UNDERSTANDING ME....
THEY SEEM TO TRY TO MARTYR THEMSELVES
FOR JEALOUS HOES.

SOME OTHER BS, TOO, 

BUT THAT WAS THEIR CHOICE LOL.

AND THEN THEY BLAME ME FOR THEIR CHOICES?

NO......... THEIR CHOICE.....
WAS THEIR CHOICE?

NOT ANYONE'S CHOICE TO MAKE FOR YOU!
YOURS!

IF YOU LET SOME JEALOUS HOE CHOOSE FOR YOU...
THAT IS A CHOICE.

RIGHT?

JUST LIKE YOUR CHOICE NOT TO LISTEN TO ME?
BECAUSE? I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU THAT....

BUT? DIDN'T WANT TO LISTEN?

THE ONES WHO DON'T WANT CONTROL OVER YOU
WANT YOU TO MAKE YOUR OWN DAMN CHOICES!

BUT IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO LISTEN, 
THAT'S ON YOU.

IF IT IS A "FIGHT" JUST TO BE HEARD....
WHY WOULD I KEEP BOTHERING
TRYING TO TELL THEM ANYTHING?

THEY CAN SERIOUSLY FK RIGHT OFF
IF THEY DON'T WANT TO LISTEN

BECAUSE I WOULDN'T TELL THEM SOME BS.

I DON'T DO SH*T THAT I KNOW I SHOULDN'T DO.
WHY? I HAVE WISED UP TO A LOT....

HAVING HAD A LOT OF BS DONE TO ME.
FOR A LOT OF BS REASONS.

JUST TO INTERFERE.

WELL, HAVE FUN WITH THAT, B*TCH
BECAUSE HE DOESN'T LISTEN.

HAVING SO MUCH TO SAY ABOUT ME....
BUT WANTING TO BE ME...

AND WANTING WHAT I HAD?
JUST BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TO?

WTF IS THAT?

HOW DO YOU THINK SOMEONE
WILL TRY TO COME AT YOU?

THROUGH SOMETHING THEY WANT.

BECAUSE THEY ONLY CARE ABOUT WHAT THEY WANT.
RIGHT?

SO THEY HAVE TO INTERFERE?

THEY WANT TO SEE SOME THINGS.
TO DO SOME THINGS.

THAT IS WHAT THEY WANTED.
THEY DIDN'T WANT TO BE WITH HIM.

IT WAS A GAME.

BUT? "WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"
WELP, WHY DIDN'T YOU?

BECAUSE.... YOU DIDN'T WANT TO?

JEALOUS HOES SHOULDN'T
TRY TO COPY AND INTERFERE....

THEY SHOULD JUST LEARN
NOT TO BE A JEALOUS HOE.

BECAUSE EVENTUALLY THEY WILL....
SEE.... THAT THEY WERE.... TRYING TO....

DO THE THINGS THEY WERE DOING.

I'M A TARGET FOR THAT.

BECAUSE THE THINGS ABOUT ME
THAT MOST PEOPLE LIKE ABOUT ME...

ARE PRETTY EASY TO SEE.... 

BUT THEY AREN'T THEM. 

THINGS ABOUT PEOPLE...
ARE NOT THE PEOPLE.

THAT IS WHAT I WAS SAYING.

BUT? "WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

EASY TO FALL FOR GAMES
BUT HARDER TO SEE WHAT ISN'T ONE?

SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

WHEN THEY ACTUALLY LIKE THINGS I DON'T....
ARE THEY ME? NO?

IF THEY TRY TO COMPETE... ARE THEY ME?

NO? BECAUSE I DON'T DO THAT?

WHY TALK DOWN TO SOMEONE...
TALK THE MOST SH*T ABOUT ME....
BUT WANT TO BE "BETTER" THAN ME?

AM I TRYING TO BE "BETTER" THAN ANYONE?

WHY ARE THEY TALKING SH*T?

DO I NEED TO TALK SH*T?
NO?

DO I SOMETIMES? MAYBE...
BUT DO I TALK SH*T JUST TO TALK SH*T?

BUT THE POINT IS THAT I'M BEING HONEST.
NOT TWISTING ANYTHING ABOUT ANYONE.

WHY TRY TO DIG DIRT ON ME? 
TO USE IT?

I KNOW WHY PEOPLE DO THAT SH*T!

I DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT SH*T, 
BUT THERE ARE SOME THINGS I WILL DO.

I'M TOO BUSY BEING MYSELF.
I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE SOME JEALOUS HOE.
Y'KNOW?

WHY WOULDN'T I WANT TO BE MYSELF?

BUGS ME I GET RESENTED AND TARGETED FOR IT....
AND SOME OTHER STUFF....

BUT I'M HAPPIER JUST BEING MYSELF.

SURE, THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE TO TAKE INSPIRATION FROM
BUT IT'S MORE TO CONSIDER SOME THINGS
ABOUT OURSELVES.

NOT TO TRY TO "DUPLICATE" OR "REPLICATE."
A REPLICATION ISN'T "THE REAL THING."

RIGHT?

I'M NOT A REPLICATION OF ANYONE.

I'M JUST MYSELF.

AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T EVEN LIKE THEMSELVES
AND DON'T WANT TO BE THEMSELVES
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WORK ON THINGS ABOUT THEMSELVES
SO THEY LOOK FOR THINGS TO TRY TO REPLICATE
INSTEAD OF LOOKING AT THEMSELVES.

THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT IT TAKES......
WHAT IT TAKES IS WHAT IT TAKES!

YOU CAN'T DUPLICATE SOMEONE'S ACTUAL FEELINGS
FOR SOMEONE ELSE.

THOSE WERE REAL.
NOT FAKE.

BUT "WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

"BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO LEVEL UP, FKTARD!"
THAT'S WHAT WE'RE HERE FOR.
NOT FOR BS.

"WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?" IS BS.

SHOULD I DO THAT SH*T TO THEM?
"WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

WOULD THAT BE FAIR? 

I MEAN.... 
IF THEY THINK THEY'LL GAIN "MORE"
SOMEWHERE ELSE....

BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO LISTEN
TO PEOPLE WHO WANTED TO RAILROAD ME...

YOU CAN THINK THAT.

WHY DID THEY WANT TO RAILROAD ME, THOUGH?

SO THAT YOU WOULDN'T LISTEN TO ME?

HMMM.

WHY WOULD THEY WANT YOU
NOT TO LISTEN TO ME?

HMMM.

BECAUSE I WAS BEING HONEST....
AND.... TALKING SENSE INTO YOU.

"SHE'S GOING TO GET HIM TO SEE WHAT I'M DOING."
BETTER GET THEM APART!

YOU THINK THAT HASN'T HAPPENED BEFORE?

IT HAS!

BECAUSE? "WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

COMES FROM? "WHY SHOULD YOU LISTEN TO HER?"

COMES FROM? "LISTEN TO ME INSTEAD."

COMES FROM? "I'M RIGHT! THEY'RE WRONG!"

AND MANY OTHER MANIPULATIONS
AND DISTORTIONS
OF THE TRUTH.

BUT? THE TRUTH IS STILL THE TRUTH....
EVEN AFTER IT'S BEEN DISTORTED.

SHOULD I HAVE TO DEFEND MY WORTH
TO PEOPLE WHO CAN'T RECOGNIZE IT?

OR TO PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT ME
TO RECOGNIZE IT?

NO? 

THEN? WHY SHOULD I?
SO THEN? I DON'T HAVE TO.

RIGHT?

HERE'S SOMETHING....
TIME IS SOMETHING YOU CAN'T GET BACK.

EVEN THOUGH I COULD MAKE MANY POINTS.
BUT DO I HAVE TO MAKE THEM?
JUST TO BE "APPROVED" BY SOMEONE
WHO WANTED ME TO CHOOSE "DRAMA"
OVER SELF-RESPECT?

EXPECTING ME TO BE MISERABLE
JUST BECAUSE THEY BOUNCED?

SURE! I STUNG....
BUT???? I CAN ENJOY MY THINGS?
THINGS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH
THEM RECOGNIZING MY VALUE.

THINKING THAT I'D ALWAYS GOING TO BE THERE...
"NO MATTER WHAT"
ISN'T THE SAME AS BEING APPRECIATED
AS A PERSON.

YES, EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTING.
DISAPPOINTING.

BUT? MY LIFE DOESN'T "REVOLVE"
AROUND THEM!

AROUND ANYONE WHO'D UNDERESTIMATE ME!

MOST PEOPLE THINK I "NEED" THEM
IN SOME WAY
TO HANDLE THEIR BS
OR SOMETHING....
THEIR BS DOESN'T DEFINE ME.

EVEN MY OWN BS DOESN'T DEFINE ME,

THEY THOUGHT THAT BECAUSE I CARED....
THEY COULD "PREDICT" ME OR SOMETHING.

THAT'S SOME BS. TO THINK THAT.

BUT HEY... THINK ALL KINDS OF BS ABOUT ME.
GO AHEAD.

THEY'RE NOT THE ONLY ONES WHO THOUGHT BS ABOUT ME.

VERY EASY TO THINK BS ABOUT ME!
HARDER TO "KNOW" ANYTHING ABOUT ME.

YES, I'VE HAD TO "DEAL" WITH THIS.

WOULD I RATHER PEOPLE "KNOW" THINGS ABOUT ME?
THAN THINK BS ABOUT ME?

YES, BUT HOW WOULD THEY KNOW?

MOST PEOPLE ARE SO BUSY THINKING BS ABOUT ME
TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME.

I'VE LEARNED A LOT FROM THE BS.

I'D RATHER NOT HAVE HAD TO "DEAL" WITH ANY OF THAT...

BUT? "I COULD HAVE TREATED A*** WITH SOME CONSIDERATION."

DO PEOPLE HAVE TO "SUFFER" IN ANY WAY FOR ME TO HAVE "PEACE"?
DO I NEED TO BE FULLY UNDERSTOOD TO HAVE "PEACE"?
DO I HAVE TO WASTE MY TIME TO PROVE HOW PEOPLE MISHANDLED ME
TO HAVE "PEACE"?

I JUST NEED TO HEAL FROM ALL THE BS.

I DON'T HAVE TO BE ALL LIKE:
"DISAPPOINTMENT! I'M GOING TO CHASE HARDER!"

DO I HAVE TO PROVE MY WORTH DESPERATELY?
"SEE MY WORTH, EVERYONE!!!!!"
"OR I'M GOING TO CEASE TO EXIST!"

"I'M NOT WHO EVERYONE'S MAKING ME SEEM LIKE I AM!"
"I HAVE TO DEFEND MYSELF AGAINST EVERY OPINION!"

AM I DOING THAT?
OR AM I EXISTING, REGARDLESS?

DO I HAVE TO CREATE A HUGE SCENE?
OR MAKE A POINT OF POINTS?

TO BE "APPROVED"?

NO! I DON'T.

DO I NEED TO "DEFEAT" SOMEONE PUBLICLY?

IF I DID..... WOULD I NAME PEOPLE?

STILL PROTECTING THEIR IDENTITY......
EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE FKTARDED?

BECAUSE I CAN MAKE A POINT ABOUT AN EXPERIENCE?
I DON'T HAVE TO MAKE A POINT
ABOUT A PERSON?

BIG DIFFERENCE?
YEAH?

GUESS WHAT? THE POINTS ABOUT THE EXPERIENCES...
MY OWN EXPERIENCES....

ARE TOTALLY VALID!

HMMM!

WHEN A***'S GIVING TO HERSELF,
WHAT DOES THAT LOOK LIKE?

AM I ALLOWED TO?

OR IS EVERYONE GOING TO HAVE AN OPINION
ABOUT THAT?

AM I ALLOWED TO HANDLE THINGS
MY WAY
THAT I GOT PUSHED TO HANDLE?

LIKE ASSUMPTIONS?
AND OTHER THINGS?

I'M NOT OBLIGATED TO CARRY THE WEIGHT
OF OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINIONS.

AND BECAUSE I'M NOT OBLIGATED TO....
I DON'T HAVE TO!

I COULD WHAT?
CHANGE MY PRIORITIES!
CONCENTRATE ON OTHER THINGS!
AND CHANGE MY DIRECTION!

DID I NEED THEIR ATTENTION?
OR DID I NEED MY OWN?

NEVER NEEDED THEIR ATTENTION.
WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL
HAD HE PAID ATTENTION....
BUT I NEVER NEEDED IT.

SO TRYING TO TREAT ME....
LIKE I WANTED IT
BECAUSE I NEEDED IT

IS A FKTARDED WAY TO TREAT ME!
RIGHT?

AND IF SOMEONE'S ACTING FKTARDEDLY....
AND EXPECTING ME TO.....
JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE....

DON'T KNOW ME!

AND THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW ME....
DON'T NEED TO KNOW ME.

ISN'T THERE MUCH MORE TO LIFE
THAN WAITING FOR A FEW PEOPLE
TO "RECOGNIZE" MY VALUE?

I THINK SO!

MUCH MORE TO MINE!

LIKE TEA!
LIKE MARIJUANA!
LIKE WRITING!

LIKE RESTING!

TO REDIRECT!

YES.... I WANTED AN ACTUAL CONNECTION....
BUT I WAS NEVER OBLIGATED
TO SACRIFICE MYSELF AND MY "PEACE" FOR IT.

I CAN BE "OKAY" ON MY OWN.

AND IF THEY AREN'T "OKAY"
THAT IS ABOUT THEM.
NOT ME.

THEY THOUGHT I NEEDED XYZ FROM THEM....
BUT DID I ALREADY HAVE WHAT I HAD?

I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AT A DISADVANTAGE, RIGHT?

EVEN WITH MANY DISADVANTAGES....

I STILL HAVE MANY ADVANTAGES!

PEOPLE WHO ARE SURPRISED.....
NEVER KNEW ME
AND DON'T NEED TO.

Mind Shift (Part 2)

I have seen some other things, recently, also.

Things I'm not pleased about, but not going to "react" to.
SOMETHING I'VE BEEN WORKING ON.....
FOR OVER A YEAR...

SOMEONE TOOK ONE OF MY IDEAS...
AND HE'S USING IT...
FOR HIS BUSINESS.

AND BEEN COPYING MY DESIGN.

I WON'T GO INTO IT MORE THAN THAT.
BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING TO LET IT
BOTHER ME AS MUCH AS IT MIGHT HAVE...

HAD I NOT FACED THIS CRAP BEFORE.

I'M STILL GOING TO WORK ON MINE.

WANTED TO ICE ME OUT
OF MY OWN THING
BY DOING
MY THING.

BEFORE I COULD COMPLETE MY THING.

I DON'T LIKE IT, BUT I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE
WHO WILL SEE IT.

THEY CAN, IF THEY WANT TO.

BUT.... I DON'T HAVE TO "REACT" TO IT.
MOST PEOPLE.... DO THAT...

TO GET "SOMETHING" FROM ME.

I SEE IT.... THAT'S ALL I CAN SAY.
DISAPPOINTED, YEAH.

WASN'T EXPECTING THAT FROM HIM, EITHER.

NOT SURE WHAT TO NAME HIM, EITHER.

BUT? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO "ABOUT IT"?

I'M GOING TO LET IT PLAY OUT.

BECAUSE I KNOW WHY HE DID IT.
WHICH SHOWS ME WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO HIM.

AND THAT'S WHAT GETS HIT THE HARDEST
WHEN PEOPLE DO THE WRONG THINGS
FOR THE WRONG REASONS.

WHY USE ME LIKE THAT, THOUGH?

WOULD I DO THAT? NO?

TRUSTED HIM NOT TO DO THAT, TOO.

HE COULD HAVE TAKEN HIS DESIGN
FROM SOMETHING ELSE...

AND THE IDEA I HAD... THE FEW ONES...
WHEN HE HAD HIS OWN THINGS ALREADY....

WHY TAKE MINE?

WHAT I'M GOING TO DO..... IS TO LET IT PLAY OUT.
BECAUSE THERE IS NO POINT IN DEFENDING MY NAME 
TO ANYONE.

I NEED AN ENERGY SHIFT... TO SHIFT MY MIND...
IN ANOTHER DIRECTION.

THAT IS WHAT I NEED. I CAN DO THAT.
BECAUSE I HAVE THE POWER TO DO THAT.

IF HE'S BEEN WATCHING ME.... HE CAN KEEP AT IT.

BUT I DON'T HAVE TO TALK ABOUT MY IDEAS.

I DON'T HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING.

RIGHT?

HE WOULD DENY WHAT HE DID, TOO.

SO IF I DEFENDED MY WORK, OPENLY?
SO HE COULD SEE THAT, TOO?

THEN WHAT?

WOULD HE TRY TO LURE ME INTO AN ARGUMENT?
ABOUT IT?

I PURPOSELY DON'T "TOUCH" ANYONE ELSE'S "STUFF."

YES, I AM HAPPY FOR THEM.
SURE, I ENCOURAGE THEM.

BUT? I DON'T TAKE THEIR IDEAS....
BECAUSE????? IT'S NOT COOL.

AND I HAVE MY OWN IDEAS. YEAH?

WHAT USUALLY HAPPENS?
SOMETHING GETS "WEAPONIZED"
TO TRY TO GASLIGHT ME....

TO TRY TO GET MY "GUARD" DOWN.

ANY OFFER FROM HIM...
WOULD BE A TRAP.

AND AN ACTUAL FRIEND...
WOULDN'T DO THAT TO AN ACTUAL FRIEND.

RIGHT?

TRYING TO LEAVE ME OUT OF MY OWN THING.

THAT IS WHY I DON'T EVEN WRITE ABOUT IT
ON HERE.

FOR THAT REASON.

MOSTLY.

AND I WANT TO GET THE CHANCE TO WORK ON IT...
WITHOUT ANYONE TRYING TO DO IT
BASED ON MY WORK.

JUST SO THAT THEY CAN TRY TO MAKE IT LOOK

LIKE I'M THE ONE COPYING THEM.

I THOUGHT HE HAD ENOUGH OF AN EDGE....
THAT HE WOULDN'T DO THAT.

BECAUSE HE HAS HIS OWN THINGS.

IF I DID THAT TO HIM...
IT WOULD BE OBVIOUS I WAS DOING IT.

RIGHT?

WE HAVE "MUTUAL FRIENDS"
SO A LOT OF THEM KNOW
THAT I WAS ALREADY WORKING ON XYZ....
BEFORE HE ANNOUNCED HIS.

AND BECAUSE I'M STILL WORKING ON MINE....
HE CAN "CLAIM" THAT I'M COPYING HIM.

WOULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN COOL.....
IF HE SAID: "LET'S WORK TOGETHER"?

OR ASKED ME IF I WANTED HIM TO HELP WITH IT?

INSTEAD OF RUNNING WITH THE THING?

WHEN SOMEONE TRIES TO TAKE CREDIT FOR SOMETHING
IT'S BECAUSE THEY WANT YOU TO BEG FOR YOUR CREDIT.
SO THEY CAN SAY: "LOOK HOW YOU'RE BEING!"

THAT'S WHY I WON'T DO THAT.
I KNOW WHAT I BUILT.

AND WHEN I STARTED BUILDING IT.

BUT? I CAN ALSO WORK VERY QUIETLY.....
MAYBE THAT'S WHAT I SHOULD HAVE BEEN DOING...

THEY CAN HAVE THEIR STOLEN CREDIT.
IT WON'T SHINE THE WAY IT USED TO
WHEN I'M NOT "PAYING ATTENTION" LOL.

THEY WANTED ME TO BE "JEALOUS"
ABOUT MY OWN STUFF. 

OR SOMETHING. 

I HAD RESPECT FOR HIM....
UNTIL HE TOOK CREDIT FOR MY THING.
AS THOUGH IT WOULD "BREAK" ME.

AND THEN I WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE THAT....
BECAUSE HE TOOK IT.

SO THEN? I CAN TAKE SOMETHING.

SOMETHING ELSE HE WANTS FROM ME.

IT'S A PERFORMANCE DESIGNED
TO "MAKE" ME NOTICE.

IF I DON'T? HA.

I MEAN, I SEE IT... BUT?

"LOOK AT ME! I DID WHAT SHE WAS DOING!"

KIND OF LIKE KICKING ME WHEN I WAS ALREADY DOWN...
BUT... I KNOW THAT THERE IS ANOTHER WAY OUT OF THIS.

I'M MORE RESILIENT THAN MOST PEOPLE THINK.
THAT IS ANOTHER MISTAKE THEY MAKE ABOUT ME.

I HAVE TO LET THEM MAKE THAT MISTAKE.

DON'T INTERRUPT YOUR "OPPONENT"
WHILE THEY ARE MAKING A MISTAKE!

TO ME.... HE WASN'T ONE...
UNTIL HE DID THOSE THINGS...

I DON'T TYPICALLY LOOK AT PEOPLE
AS "OPPONENTS."

I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS, BUT....
THAT ISN'T SOMETHING A FRIEND WOULD DO.

WHY WOULD ANYONE TRY TO STEAL
SOMETHING FROM SOMEONE?

BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE THEIR OWN XYZ.

THAT IS WHY.

IF THEY DID, THEY WOULDN'T HAVE TO TAKE IT?
THEY WOULDN'T WANT TO?

WHY WOULD THEY WANT ME TO LOOK "UNSTABLE"
WHILE THEY LOOK "STABLE"?

AND IF I QUESTION HIS HONESTY?

IF SOMEONE ELSE DOES?

DEFENSE!

"I HAVE TO CONTROL THE WAY THIS GOES."
OKAY.

IF I DON'T HAVE TO CONTROL IT?

IF I DON'T, WHY DO YOU "HAVE TO"?
WHY DO THEY FEEL THAT NEED TO?

TO "CONFRONT" HIM ABOUT IT.
WOULD BE LIKE "STARTING A CONFLICT"
AND MY SIDE WOULDN'T BE SEEN.
AT ALL.

BECAUSE? EASY TO DISMISS ME!
AND CREATE A NARRATIVE ABOUT IT.

LIKE OTHERS HAVE.
SO WHY DO THAT?

DO I NEED HIM TO ADMIT TO DOING IT?
NO?

WOULD MOST PEOPLE LOOK AT IT
HOWEVER HE WANTED THEM TO?

YEAH?

SO IS THERE A POINT IN DOING THAT?
JUST TO GET THAT?

SO THAT I'M THE ONE QUESTIONED?
NOT HIM?

THOUGHT I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT THAT?
OR WAS USED TO SIMILAR THINGS HAPPENING?

ALMOST LIKE THERE HAS BEEN A HEX
ON MY "RELATIONSHIPS."

ON MY "LOVE LIFE."

AND MY "ABUNDANCE" LOL.

LIKE EVERYTHING I "PLANT"
GROWS SO SLOW.

LIKE I HAVE A "FAN" CLUB.
HATING ON ME IN UNISON.

I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED.
SOME SORT OF GROUP CHAT. HA!


Like... Let's watch her AND TALK ABOUT HER.

TWISTED IT, LIED, AND KEPT GOING.

LIES FOLLOW THE PEOPLE WHO TELL THEM.
THEY DON'T STAY WHERE THEY ARE TOLD.

LIED... THEN LIED ABOUT THE LIES... 
AND? THEY KEPT GOING?

HMMM.

THAT'S WHY I'M NOT ABOUT THAT?

WELL, I EXPLAINED THE OTHER REASON
I'M NOT ABOUT THAT.

IT DOES NOT FEEL GOOD.
TO DO THAT.

IT NEVER FELT GOOD.
NOT TO ME.

IT'S JUST THAT AFTER ONE EXPERIENCE
I IMMEDIATELY FACE SOMETHING ELSE.

VERY SIMILAR. 
AND I'VE LEARNED ENOUGH THAT I HAVE TO
LET IT PLAY OUT.

I DON'T HAVE TO DO IT.
VINDICATION SOMETIMES IS VERY SLOW.

BUT IT'S NOT THE SAME THING AS VENGEANCE.

WANTED ME TO LOOK "DEFEATED" ABOUT IT
IN FRONT OF EVERYONE, FOR A REASON.

SO THAT HE COULD BE THE CHAMP.
AND THAT I'D LOOK "TINY" NEXT TO HIM.

THAT WAS THE GAME.

THAT IS WHAT THE "DESIRED OUTCOME" IS.

SOMETHING SOMEONE TOLD ME A LONG TIME AGO...
TOLD ME...

"NOBODY OWES US OUR DESIRED OUTCOMES."

THIS WORKS IN MY FAVOR, IN MORE THAN ONE WAY.
I CAN SEE WHY THEY ARE DOING STUFF...
AND WHAT THEY ARE DOING...

SO I CAN KINDA SEE... "WHAT DO THEY WANT OUT OF THIS?"

AND???? TO KEEP MYSELF LEVEL....
WHAT DO I WANT OUT OF IT?

AND WHAT I DON'T NEED FROM IT?

AND WHAT MIGHT I GET FROM IT?

WHAT CAN I EXPECT? WHAT HAVE I ALREADY EXPERIENCED?

AND NOBODY CAN GASLIGHT ME
ON MY OWN EXPERIENCES.

I KNOW WHAT I EXPERIENCE.

SUCKS, I HAVE TO DOCUMENT IT IN A LOT OF CASES.

IT SUCKS WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO EMBARRASS ME...
LIKE THEY ARE TRYING TO PROVE SOMETHING ABOUT ME.

IF SOMEONE WANTS TO MAKE ME LOOK BENEATH THEM...
WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?

IF THEY TRY TO MAKE ME LOOK BENEATH THEM...
WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?

WHY TRY TO TEAR ME DOWN?

A REASON! HMMM!

BECAUSE I POINT SOMETHING OUT...
THAT THEY FELT EMBARRASSED ABOUT.

USUALLY THAT.

EVEN EXISTING MAKES SOME PEOPLE
FEEL A TYPE OF WAY... 

I DIDN'T KNOW IT.
IT WAS SOMETHING THEY HID PRETTY WELL.

IT TOOK ME A VERY LONG TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT.

IF I WAS STUCK.... ETC... RECOVERING...
STAYING SMALL ETC...
WITH NOTHING GOOD COMING TO ME...

DO THEY DO THAT....
AND LIE TO THEMSELVES ABOUT DOING THAT?

I WONDERED THAT.

IF THEY LIE TO THEMSELVES ABOUT DOING IT...
THEY CAN BELIEVE THEIR OWN LIES.
ABOUT DOING IT.
AND ABOUT OTHER THINGS.

EVEN ABOUT ME.
FUNNY HOW THAT WORKS.

EVEN THE SMALL THINGS...
HAVE INTENT.

AND THEN IF THEY SWITCH UP ON ME....
THEY HAVE TO....
EXPLAIN WHY THEY ARE DOING IT...

BUT THEY WON'T. HA.

THEY CAN'T BACKTRACK ON IT....
RIGHT?

BECAUSE THEY ALREADY SPOKE DIRT ON ME?
"WHY ARE YOU BEING NICE TO A*** NOW?"
"DIDN'T YOU SAY XYZ ABOUT A***?"

LIKING ME WOULD PUT THEM ON "THE WRONG TEAM."

I KNOW THEY TALK SH*T.

WANTED TO BE ON THE PEDESTAL
TO BE IMPRESSIVE
AND THEY THINK THEY HAVE TO BE LIKED
BY PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE ME.

I AM AWARE THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE
LOOK AT ME THE WRONG WAY.

BECAUSE THEY ACT THE WAY THEY DO.
THEY CAN'T EVEN SAY WHAT THEY NEED TO.

IF SOMEONE WILL TRY TO USE YOU
TO MEASURE THEMSELVES BY....

THEY WILL ALSO TRY TO USE YOU
FOR THEIR OWN VALIDATION.

I WAS "OTHERED."
LIKE: "DON'T BE HER FRIEND, WORK WITH HER, DATE HER, ETC"

THINK IT WAS ONLY THOSE PEOPLE? HA!

HATING ME KEPT THEIR "THING" ALIVE.
AND WHEN I WASN'T AROUND TO HATE ON...

THEY TURN ON EACH OTHER!
I SEE THIS. IT'S WEIRD SH*T.

I'VE BEEN "OTHERED" ALL MY LIFE.
I KNOW WHAT IT FELT LIKE 
BEFORE I EVEN KNEW WHAT IT WAS.

I WAS "SUPPOSED TO" HIDE MYSELF.
TO "DUMB" IT DOWN.

TO LET EVERYONE ELSE SHINE...
AND DIM MYSELF...
BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE WANTED ME TO.

OR WHY TREAT ME LIKE THAT?

INTIMIDATED BY ME.
THEY WANT TO HUMBLE ME IMMEDIATELY
BECAUSE OF MY SPIRIT.

THEY GET TRIGGERED.

I DIDN'T KNOW THIS.

"WHY TF ARE PEOPLE ACTING LIKE THIS?"
BECAUSE I AM WHO I AM.

SOCIETAL "NORMS"
ASSUMPTIONS....
SOME OTHER STUFF...

WHEN I HAVE TO KEEP IT REAL....
THEY LOOKED AT ME LIKE SOMEONE
WHO DIDN'T HAVE IT IN ME...
TO TELL THEM TF OFF....

JUST BECAUSE IT TOOK ME A LONG TIME TO DO IT
DIDN'T MEAN I COULDN'T.

DIDN'T MEAN I DIDN'T HAVE IT IN ME...
BUT THEY ACT ALL SHOCKED
AND DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT.

I LET THEM THINK
THAT I DON'T HAVE IT IN ME.

I LET THEM THINK ALL KINDS OF THINGS.

WHY NOT? THEY ALREADY THOUGHT THAT! RIGHT?
SO KEEP THINKING IT, B*TCHES!

YOU THINK I'M GOING TO CORRECT YOU?
ABOUT MYSELF?

JUST TO DO IT?

NO.... I CAN MAKE A POINT.
ONE YOU MIGHT NOT FORGET.

BUT PEOPLE I HAVE TO MAKE A POINT TO...
ARE NOT PEOPLE I WANT TO BE AROUND!

WHEN THEY SHOW ME THINGS... 
EVEN VERY SUBTLY...

AND THEY HAVE CO-SIGNERS....
WHO WON'T HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE
WON'T KEEP IT TF REAL WITH THEM....

EVEN WHEN IT'S RIGHT IN THEIR FACE....

USING ME TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES...
ONLY LASTS FOR AS LONG AS IT LASTS
AND WHAT EVEN IS IT?
BS?

AND WHY ARE THEY DOING IT ANYWAY?
AND FOR HOW LONG?

I KNOW IT DIDN'T START YESTERDAY LOL!

IF I DID THAT? HMMM. 

BUT? KNOWING THAT TRUTH IS ONE THING.
NOT NEEDING TO KNOW HOW DEEP IT WENT...

IT WENT AS DEEP AS IT DID.

BUT... I DO NOT NEED TO DO THAT TO ANYONE.
DOING IT SAYS THEY NEED TO FOR SOME REASON.

OR WHY DO IT?

"OTHERING" ME... MADE IT EASIER FOR ME.
BECAUSE I NEVER HAD TO BE INCLUDED
BY ANYONE WHO'D DO THAT CRAP.

I DON'T FEEL THE NEED TO BE.
IT GIVES ME A BIG YUCK.

SO MANY TIMES PEOPLE TRIED TO "BRING ME DOWN."
AND IN MANY DIFFERENT WAYS...

BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT ME TO BE HAPPY.
OR TO BE MYSELF.

BECAUSE THEY HATE IT.
WHEN I'M JUST BEING MYSELF.

NOT EVERYONE, GIVEN THAT.
BUT MY "FAN CLUB."

THE ONES WHO FEEL THEY NEED TO USE ME
TO TRY TO BOOST THEMSELVES.

SOMEHOW.

MOSTLY EMOTIONALLY.
PSYCHOLOGICALLY, 
SOCIALLY, 

OTHER WAYS.

THE ONES WHO GOT SOMETHING LIKE "CLOUT"
TO DO XYZ TO ME...

OR WANTED "CONTROL"
"RETREAT"

LOTS OF DIFFERENT THINGS.

EXCEPT FOR?
TALKING TO ME ABOUT IT.

EXCEPT FOR THAT.
RIGHT?

IT'S JUST NOT "COOL"
TO PLAY WITH SOMEONE'S FEELINGS
AND THEN JUST...

DO THAT SH*T.

THAT..... MOSTLY.

I CAN HANDLE A WHOLE BUNCH OF THINGS.
WHAT I DON'T WANT...
TO BE EXPECTED TO HANDLE
A BUNCH OF SH*T
I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO.

RIGHT?
BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW....
BY NOW....

NOBODY WANTS ME TO EXPECT
EVERYONE ELSE
TO HAVE TO HANDLE
THE THINGS THAT I HAVE HAD TO....
LIKE THEY ALL THOUGHT THAT SH*T
WAS FUNNY
OR SOMETHING.

LIKE I WOULDN'T KNOW THE FKN DIFFERENCE
OR SOMETHING.

BETWEEN THEM DOING IT TO ME
AND NOT BEING EXPECTED TO DO THAT.

THERE'S A DIFFERENCE. RIGHT?

BUT THEY HAVE TO CARE ENOUGH
NOT TO WANT TO DO IT!

IF THEY DID?
THEY WOULDN'T?

THEY DO IT BECAUSE THEY ARE BLOCKED.
DOING IT ISN'T GOING TO UNBLOCK THEM.

BLOCKED MENTALLY.
EMOTIONALLY.

IN OTHER WAYS.

AND THOSE THINGS
NEVER HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME.

KNOWING THAT HELPS ME.
SO I DON'T TAKE IT AS PERSONALLY AS I USED TO.
BECAUSE SOME THINGS REALLY TICKED ME OFF.

BUT THOSE THINGS WERE NEVER ABOUT ME.
IT WAS ABOUT THEM.
AND WHY THEY FELT LIKE THEY NEEDED TO DO IT.
AT THE TIME.

BUT DID THAT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME?

OR WHY THEY "FELT LIKE IT"?

AS CRAPPY AS IT FEELS, THOUGH.

AT THE TIME AND SITTING WITH IT...

LIVING WITH IT...
UNTIL YOU DON'T....
YOU JUST HAVE WHAT YOU LEARN FROM IT.

There's a quote I saw....
Online....

It goes....
You're not healing to help you manage 
Trauma
Pain
Anxiety
Depression...

BECAUSE YOU'RE ALREADY USED TO THOSE.

YOU'RE HEALING TO ACCEPT
HAPPINESS AND JOY
BACK INTO YOUR LIFE.

------------------------

NICE QUOTE.

Some quotes have helped me out.

Still surprised that someone got a free dinner
from something I said on here lol.

GLAD IT HELPED.

Whatever it was.

Mind Shift

I think why I keep pouring it out...
Is so it won't stagnate inside me.

It's hard enough as IT IS...... RIGHT?
WITHOUT PEOPLE NOT WANTING YOU TO MOVE AHEAD!

WANTED ME FUMING OVER THIS SH*T! RIGHT?
OR WHY DO IT?

WANTED TO FK WITH MY "EMOTIONS"
BUT DIDN'T THINK I'D CLOCK THIS. RIGHT?

I'VE SEEN THIS SH*T AT LEAST A FEW TIMES....
SINCE THAT SH*T.

"If I can HIJACK A***'s feelings... She won't move forward!"

WHY DO THAT?
ANY REASON WHY?

"I'M GOING TO PROJECT ON A***!"
SHOULD I PROJECT ON THEM?

I USED TO NOT TALK ABOUT IT.
THAT'S WHY I'M DOING IT.

SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE FUMING OVER THINGS LIKE THIS.

WHEN YOU HAVE GOOD INTENTIONS...
IT'S EASY TO BE MISTAKEN
FOR SOMEONE 
WHO CAN BE PLAYED WITH.

LIKE A LITTLE TOY.
PLAYTHING.

NOPE.

ALL THE FKTARDS "MADE" ME LIKE THIS.
SPARKED ME RIGHT UP.

IMAGINE.

THANKS FOR THAT.
PUSHED ME INTO MY DRIVE.

THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT THEY WANTED!

MAYBE THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULDN'T PLAY!
WITH PEOPLE WHO WEREN'T PLAYING!

YOU THINK I'D LIKE MY HEART GET PLAYED WITH?

YET AGAIN?

ALREADY PLAYED WITH IT!
RIGHT?

AM I SOMEONE WHO WANTS THAT? NO?
THEN WHY TREAT ME LIKE I'M SOMEONE
WHO WANTS THAT SH*T?

AND COULD HAVE LET GO?
SO THAT I COULD?

I WILL.... I HAVE....
ONCE THIS IS OUT... IT'S OUT.

JUST LIKE BEFORE.

WHY SUPPRESS HOW I FEEL....
ABOUT ANY OF THIS?

I USED TO DO IT! I SUPPRESSED IT!
SUPPRESSING IT WASN'T DEALING WITH IT!

WANTING EVERYONE TO THINK THAT I'M XYZ....
BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT ME TO HAVE XYZ.

AND I NEVER THINK THAT ANYONE 
WOULD OPERATE LIKE THAT.

BUT I'VE EXPERIENCED MANY VERSIONS OF THIS.
HAD MANY VERSIONS OF THIS IN MY LIFE.

NOT JUST FROM HIM.... 

AND THAT IS WHY THIS SH*T IS EVEN MORE
DISAPPOINTING.

PEOPLE HAVE THEIR OWN WAYS OF LOOKING AT MY STRENGTH
BUT THEY DON'T KNOW WTF IT TOOK 
TO HAVE IT, TO GET IT.

WHY I HAD TO BECOME THE WAY I AM.

ALL THE BS I HAVE DEALT WITH...
MY WHOLE LIFE!

IF THEY HAD TO..... WOULD THEY BE "STRONG" LIKE ME?

MAYBE EVEN "STRONGER"! RIGHT?

THEN WHY BE "JEALOUS" OF ME...
WHEN I NEVER FKN ASKED TO BE "STRONG"

DID I EVER ASK FOR THIS SH*T? NO?

DID I EVER THINK THAT THE "CLOSEST" ONES
TO ME... IN MY "LIFE"
WOULD EVER DO ME LIKE THAT?

NO!

WHY WOULD I WANT TO THINK THAT?
SHOULD I HAVE TO THINK THAT?
ABOUT THE "CLOSEST" ONES TO ME?

WOULD YOU WANT TO?
OR WOULD YOU WANT TO BE ABLE TO TRUST THEM?

WHAT YOU SEE ABOUT ME....
ARE YEARS OF PENT-UP SH*T.
SH*T THAT I'M NOT GOING TO "SUPPRESS" ANYMORE.

IF PEOPLE WANTED ME TO WRITE "NICELY" ABOUT THEM....
THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN FKTARDED!

THEY SHOULD HAVE TREATED ME
LIKE THEY ACTUALLY APPRECIATED HAVING ME AROUND!

THEY WANT ME TO..... WHAT?
BE SOMETHING THEY PROJECTED ONTO ME?

NOT WHO I'VE ALWAYS BEEN?
FK THAT!

WELP, I KNOW WHO I AM....
SO PROJECTING SH*T ONTO ME....
DOES WHAT?

IT LOOKS HOW IT LOOKS!

JUST THE WAY IT WOULD LOOK
ON ME
IF I DID THAT SH*T!

PEOPLE "HOLD ONTO"

WHAT THEY "NEED" ME TO BE
TO "BE" WHOEVER THEY ARE.... 

I WASN'T EVER THAT!

IT'S NOT THAT I NEEDED PEOPLE!
I WANTED TO GIVE THEM A CHANCE!

IF I HAVE HAD NOBODY....
WHO WOULD I NEED?

ANYONE?

IF I HAVE "SURVIVED"?
THIS LONG?

LIKE THIS?
HAVING TO DEAL WITH XYZ?

AND THAT'S ON ME....
FOR THINKING...
IT WAS GOING TO BE SOMETHING...
IT DIDN'T TURN OUT TO BE.

THAT... IS ON ME.
BECAUSE.....?
I CAN'T EXPECT IT TO BE
WHAT I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE!

I CAN'T!

BUT AT THE SAME TIME....
I DIDN'T NEED TO BE PLAYED WITH.... AT ALL!

DOES ANYONE NEED TO BE?

NO!

IT'S BS. STRAIGHT UP.

WHAT IS THE POINT..... IN BEING "CLOSE"
IF YOU WILL CHOOSE TO....
TURN AROUND AND....
WHENEVER?

WHEN I LEAST EXPECT IT?

BECAUSE THEY FK UP....
AND THEY CAN'T TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY....
BECAUSE NOBODY HAS SHOWN THEM HOW!!!!!!!!!!

YOU THINK ANYONE SHOWED ME HOW???????

WHO??????????? 

THE REALEST ONES IN MY LIFE.......!!!!!

WHO HAD ENOUGH RESPECT!!!!!!!!!!
JUST TO BE RESPECTFUL!!!!!!!!!!

WHO WERE NOT???????
NEGLECTFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!

THOSE PEOPLE SHOWED ME!!!!!!!!!!!

NOT THE ONES WHO NEVER WOULD SHOW ME!!!!!!!!!
BECAUSE????????

THEY DON'T KNOW HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEY'D HAVE TO BE ABOUT THAT.......
TO??????? WHAT?????

TO BE ABOUT THAT!!!!!!!!!!

AND IF THEY AREN'T????????
HOW TF ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO SHOW YOU????????

HOW TF TO BE????????

HEAR ME?

ALMOST LIKE I'M PREACHING OR SOME SH*T!
BUT ALL THESE THINGS......

I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO TELL ANYONE!!!!!!!!

WHY?????

BECAUSE THEY SHOULD ALREADY KNOW!

THAT'S WHY!

WHY DO I HAVE TO SHOW ANYONE THIS ABOUT ME?
FOR ANYONE TO KNOW THIS ABOUT ME?

AND IS IT REALLY ABOUT ME?

JUST BECAUSE I FEEL THIS WAY?
ABOUT XYZ?

OR ANY TYPE OF WAY ABOUT ANYTHING?

JUST BECAUSE I'M THE ONE WRITING THIS???????

MAYBE SOMEONE ELSE SHOULD BE!!!!!!!
NOT ME!!!!!!!!!

SOMEONE PEOPLE ACTUALLY FKN LISTEN TO!
"WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

MAYBE THEY HAVE THE PERFECT WAY
JUST TO SAY
ALL THE DAMN THINGS
I'VE SAID FOR YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS....

ABOUT WHY I *MIGHT* AND *COULD*
POSSIBLY FEEL

ABOUT SPECIFIC THINGS.....

THAT WERE NOT ACTUALLY *FAIR*
AND IT ISN'T EVEN ABOUT THOSE THINGS....

IT WAS MORE ABOUT HOW I WAS EXPECTED
TO FKN DEAL WITH THAT SH*T
AND NOT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT
LIKE IT NEVER FKN HAPPENED OR SOME SH*T!

ALMOST LIKE BEING "CLOSE"
MEANT FK ALL, EH?

THEN WHY GO THERE AT ALL?
WHY DO THAT?

AND THEN? JUST DISCARD IT!
OKAY!

"A*** USED TO SEE ME." YEAH, I DID.
THOUGHT YOU COULD SEE ME, TOO.

IF YOU DID, WOULD IT HAVE GONE LIKE THAT?

DID PEOPLE MISTAKE THINGS ABOUT ME
FOR THINGS TO TAKE FOR GRANTED?

NOT SURE!
POSSIBLY?

WHY? WANTED ATTENTION FROM EVERYONE ELSE?
SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
"LOOK AT EVERYONE WHO WANTS ME!"

OKAY. 
COOL.

HOPE ALL OF THAT WAS WHAT YOU WANTED.

"I'M LONELY.... I WONDER WHAT A***'S DOING...."
WELP, A***... IS DOING WHAT SHE'S DOING NOW.

YOU THINK YOU CAN "SUDDENLY"
PAY ME SOME ATTENTION
AND I'D BITE ON THAT?

JUST OUT OF THE BLUE? LIKE THAT?

AFTER NONE?????
FOR HOW LONG?

AND I HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE?
AT ALL?
LET ALONE HOW IT LOOKS TO ME?

SINCE THEY CAN'T SEE IT?

SHOULD I HAVE TO DEFEND MY FEELINGS?
TO EVERYONE?

NO? SHOULDN'T HAVE TO?

"LIFE'S HARD NOW.... WHERE'S A***?"
REALLY??????

WASTED TIME IF THEY DIDN'T TELL ME
HOW THEY "REALLY" FEEL!

RIGHT?

IF THEY HAVE THAT CHANCE TO?

THERE WAS A TIME I'D ACCEPT MORE SH*T!
AND I FKN DID!

BUT I NEVER WANTED TO!
AND I THOUGHT THINGS WOULD CHANGE!

BUT THEY DIDN'T!
BECAUSE????? I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO SAY
HOW ANY OF THAT SH*T FELT??????

IF I DID GET TO SAY IT?
SO THAT THEY MIGHT GET IT?
SO THAT THEY WOULD JUST STOP THEIR SH*T?

IF I CAN'T SAY HOW I FEEL.....
HOW ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO KNOW?????
HOW I FEEL?????
AND WHY I FEEL LIKE THAT?????

BUT????? DID THEY WANT TO LISTEN?????

DID THEY WANT TO FKN "KNOW" 100%?????
DID THAT REQUIRE ASKING ME????

I'D RATHER KNOW!!!!!!! 100%!!!!!!!!
THAT'S WHY I ASK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WAS I "EMOTIONALLY INVESTED"? YEAH?

AT ONE POINT? YEAH?

YOU THINK FEELINGS MIGHT CHANGE?
YEAH?

THEY DO!!!!!!!!

YOU KNOW HOW FEELINGS CHANGE?
WHEN SHE CAN'T LOOK AT YOU THE WAY SHE USED TO!

YOU KNOW WHEN SHE STOPS LOOKING AT YOU

THE WAY SHE USED TO?

WHEN SHE STOPS TRUSTING YOU!!!!!!!!!

AND IF SHE TRUSTED YOU
LONG AFTER SHE SHOULD... 

IT'S BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO TRUST YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOT BECAUSE SHE HAD TO!!!!!!!!!!

RIGHT?

AND SHE WANTED TO....
BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT SHE COULD!

IMAGINE THAT!

AND IF I CAN'T TRUST YOU.....
ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND...
HOW I FEEL AND WHY.... 

ENOUGH TO EVEN LET ME TELL YOU!!!!!!
WHAT AM I "SUPPOSED" TO TRUST YOU WITH?

CAN I TRUST YOU WITH IMPORTANT STUFF....
IF I CAN'T TRUST YOU WITH THAT?

PROBABLY NOT!

RUNNING FROM THEIR FEELINGS... AND MINE...
DOESN'T MAKE THEM "GO AWAY."

IF THAT WAS.... THAT EASY....
WOULD WE BOTHER....
HAVING FEELINGS AT ALL?
LIKE, WOULD WE FEEL ANYTHING? EVER?

WE HAVE THEM TO SHOW US THINGS.
PRIMARILY.

HOW WOULD WE KNOW GUILT?
IF WE NEVER FELT IT?

RIGHT?

OR REGRET?

OR "PAIN."

IS IT "PAINFUL" WHEN SOMEONE KNOWS
THAT YOU ARE "EMOTIONALLY INVESTED"

AND TRIES TO PLAY GAMES WITH YOU?

A BIT? JUST A LITTLE BIT?

AND WHEN SOMEONE TREATS YOU LIKE...
BEING "CLOSE" MEANT NOTHING?

JUST A BIT? YEAH?

HERE'S THE THING:

WHAT I DO WITH MY "PERSONAL PAIN"
IS ON ME.... 
WHAT I CHOOSE TO DO WITH IT.

I HAPPEN TO WRITE ABOUT IT. THAT'S IT.

IF I DIDN'T HAVE WRITING....
WRITING IS SOMETHING ELSE, TO ME.

WHEN I FIND THE WORDS.... FOR THAT... ONE DAY...

IT GAVE ME A "CONNECTION"
TO THE OUTSIDE.

EVERYTHING I FELT, EXPERIENCED.....
WHATEVER... I DIDN'T HAVE TO KEEP CARRYING IT.

IF I CARRIED EVERYTHING WITH ME? FOREVER?
HOW MUCH WOULD IT WEIGH ON ME?

AND THE FACT THAT SOME PEOPLE PURPOSELY
LOADED ME WITH A LOT TO CARRY....

AND WON'T EVER ADMIT IT...
EXPECTED ME TO CARRY IT ALL.

THEY DIDN'T KNOW I COULD BUILD WITH IT.
I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT.

THAT'S WHAT HAS THEM ANGRY.

THAT I CAN BUILD FROM IT.

AND THAT I WILL GET AHEAD OF IT.
JUST LIKE I HAVE BEFORE.

WHETHER THEY LIKE IT OR NOT.