September 18th Part 2

 I'm back in the writing mode, which is good. 

Some of my projects include writing. A lot of them do, actually. 

Maybe he was just being a catalyst to help me switch gears.

Indirectly. It wasn't intentional that he did that.

It opened up a couple of conversations about some things, too. 

I can consider the things that they say, but, it's still up to me to consider it. 

One of the things that came up was foresight.

I was saying that if people had it, they would use it.

My friend said, "Not necessarily."

I said, "Why wouldn't they?"

He said, "It gets to be like a chore to use it so they don't."

It's interesting to have conversations like that.

Because they'll tell you things you might not have thought about. 

It's not like I think about certain things a whole lot. Most people don't. 

Around 10% of people.... THINK. And of those... 10% of THEM, THINK DEEPLY.

Whatever 10% of 10% is... 

90% of people don't really think that much let alone deeply.

And 90% of that 90% don't care enough to think let alone deeply.

What percentage do you figure, of people who have foresight, use it?

I figure around 10%.

A waste of foresight to have it and not use it.

Like "If I treat A*** like XYZ instead of realizing why she'd be upset with xyz..."

"Then it might not go as I'd hoped."

"If I treat A*** like I think she's XYZ... I could be wrong about her and then..."

But that would be using their foresight. 

But whatever. I'm "toxic" for not "staying the same" or "being how I used to be" 

after being discarded and mishandled constantly.

Was I supposed to "stay the same" and be some sort of push-over?

JUST ACCEPTING AND TOLERATING BS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?

ASSUMING: A*** WILL ACCEPT MY APOLOGY AND ACCEPT ME BACK LIKE I DIDN'T DO OR SAY ANYTHING WRONG TO HER.

ASSUMING: I'LL WAIT UNTIL SHE FORGETS AND THEN TRY AGAIN.

I didn't forget like I was supposed to. 

And I changed into someone who chose herself over that sh*t.

COULD HAVE AVOIDED THAT WITH FORESIGHT. WHOOPS.

IS IT REALLY MY FAULT THAT THEY COULD HAVE AVOIDED THAT?

BY NOT TREATING ME LIKE THAT?

IT'S NOT.

LIKE IT WOULDN'T BE THEIR FAULT IF I DID XYZ.

BECAUSE I'D BE THE ONE CHOOSING TO DO IT, NOT THEM.

If I chose to be the coward and ghosted them and gave them the silent treatment for 12 years

and tried coming back like nothing had happened....

If I had done that, that would have been my choice.

And if they made me stand on that choice, I'd have to.

And if I got mad that they did, that'd be on me, not them.

For having done xyz and having to stand on it.

FOR HAVING BROKEN THE TRUST THEY CAN'T JUST HAVE BACK.

THE TRUST NOT TO XYZ.

I'D HAVE TO STAND ON THAT IF I DID THAT.

I COULDN'T BE MAD IF I DID THAT BECAUSE I DID THAT.

TO TRY TO PUT IT ON ME 12 YEARS LATER IS FKN WILD THOUGH.

WASN'T EXPECTING THAT, EITHER.

WASN'T EXPECTING ANY OF THE BS I ENCOUNTERED.

At least a couple of years ago... Maybe a few...

I met someone who was decent to me.

We were talking. Him and I. It was nice, just that.

It was raining and stood together in the rain, that day...

Just two strangers.

He invited me to chill with his friends and him. 

Aftward, he walked me home like a gentleman.

I was thinking of him today. I remembered his name.

It's an unusual name with a twist. 

I was thinking of going to his friends' place to ask about him.

His friend might still live there.

Not that I have to or want to commit to anyone or anything like that, but it was nice

just to talk and meet his friends. 

Going back in time bit me in the ass more than once. 

And thinking some people were... Better than they actually were... 

Thinking they were better than to do xyz... 

And finding out they weren't... 

Was me... Learning the hard way about that.

Was them... Showing themselves to me.

It didn't actually matter what I thought about them...

Because they never "had to be" what I thought of them.

They weren't obligated to be something they weren't. 

It would have been awesome had they been what I thought they'd be...

But were they obligated to be if they weren't? No?

And that's where that should stand, and be.

Were they obligated to be mature if they weren't? No?

Would have been cool if they were? Yeah?

Were they obligated to know certain things about me if they didn't? No?

Would have been cool if they did? Yeah?

Were they obligated to realize certain things they hadn't? No?

Would have been cool if they had? Yeah?

I can't expect myself from everyone I meet. They are not me.

They are them. 

We might not think alike. We might not be on the same page.

I'll only know if we are or not when I know. Just that. 

Thinking that we are isn't the same things as actually being on the same page.

Wishing that we were isn't the same thing as actually being on the same page, either.

Unfortunately, it sucks to learn that the ways that I did. 

But learning that means knowing that.

Knowing that means navigating it. 

Navigating that means making adjustments because of it.

Better to make the adjustments instead of not learning it.

Sometimes important things are hard to learn.

And we wish we didn't have to learn them the way that we did.

But if we hadn't learned those things, we couldn't make those adjustments.

Those adjustments are for us, not for them. 

And wanting to be on the same page isn't the same as being on it, either.

Wanting to be, thinking you are, wishing you were... 

Isn't the same as being on the same page.

It just isn't. Not much we can do about it, either.

Except to just accept it as a fact.

Are we obligated to think alike if we don't? No?

Then there isn't a point to act as though we are! Right?

On either side. Anyone acting like I was obligated to think like they do...

Or if I acted like they were obligated to think like I do...

Would there be a point to act like that if I'm not obligated and they aren't, either?

To act as though they were?

For them to act as though I was?

Would there be a point in that?

Because if there is a point in that, I'm not seeing it.

If you see it, feel free to tell me.

If you can see a point in something where I can't, feel free to tell me.

I can only write about the things I do see, not the things that I can't.

And if I can't, I can't.

It doesn't mean there is no point. 

Just means that I can't see it. 

Imagine if I could see everything?

I'd get that "You think you're better than everyone" crap all the time.

Just for seeing what I wasn't supposed to.

Because if I see something someone else couldn't, before they do...

I'm "toxic" or whatever else. 

I'm not going to keep myself blind to what others could have seen had they cared to see it!

Because MAYBE THEY WOULD HAVE, TOO.

NOT JUST ME.

ANY TIME I PROVE ANYTHING CONTRARY TO THEIR FALSE NARATIVE, THEY GO HARDER.

BECAUSE THAT'S ALL THEY CAN DO.

BECAUSE THEY COULD ADMIT THEY WERE WRONG, BUT DON'T DO THAT.

BECAUSE ADMITTING THAT ADMITS THAT I WAS RIGHT.

AND THEY CAN'T DO THAT.

WHICH IS OKAY WITH ME.

NOBODY HAS TO ADMIT I WAS RIGHT.

I DON'T NEED THEM TO, TO BE RIGHT.

IT DIDN'T BOTHER ME THAT HE WOULDN'T ADMIT ANYTHING.

IT BOTHERED ME THAT I GAVE HIM THE CHANCE TO DO IT

HAD HE WANTED TO

AND HE STILL DIDN'T EVEN ADMIT THAT.

JUST THAT.

COULD HE HAVE AT LEAST ADMITTED THAT? JUST THAT? NO?

WHAT ELSE WAS HE REFUSING TO ADMIT? JUST THAT?

AND IF HE STILL COULDN'T, WAS THERE A POINT?

IN TRYING TO COMMUNICATE?

WITH SOMEONE I COULDN'T COMMUNICATE WITH?

PROBABLY NOT!

JUST TO PROVE THE FUTILITY IN IT?

TO ACT LIKE EVERY POINT I MADE WAS IN VAIN?

WASTED EXPRESSION AND TIME?

What it felt like was "speaking another language."

Differing drastically from each other... 

What I dislike is when people PLAY STUPID.

THEY TRY TO ACT LIKE THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHAT I'M SAYING AND WHY I'M SAYING IT.

THAT REALLY FKN DROVE ME UP A WALL. 

THEM ACTING FKN OBLIVIOUS TO THE OBVIOUS. 

MIRROR SMASHER DID THAT SH*T TO MY FACE TO P*SS ME OFF.

HE WANTED TO P*SS ME OFF AND OVERDID THAT SH*T.

OVERDID IT TO THE POINT HE OVERSTAYED HIS WELCOME.

AS I WOULD HAVE HAD I OVERDONE THAT SH*T

OR DONE IT AT ALL.

BUT WHAT SHOULD BE FKN OBVIOUS ISN'T SO OBVIOUS TO EVERYONE.

ESPECIALLY THOSE IT SHOULD BE OBVIOUS TO...

BUT IT WOULD BE OBVIOUS FROM THEIR OWN PERSPECTIVE.

EVEN ATTEMPTING TO EXPLAIN THIS SH*T TO THEM

IS A WASTE OF TIME

BECAUSE IT WAS COMING FROM ME.

IF IT CAME FROM SOMEONE ELSE, 

IT'D MAKE SENSE AND THEY WOULDN'T "REFUSE"

TO FKN REALIZE THINGS THEY COULD HAVE BY NOW.

BUT WHY SHOULD THEY LISTEN TO ME?

"WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?!" SOMEONE LITERALLY ASKED ME THIS.

BECAUSE THEY CAN FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THEY DON'T!

AND THEY CAN HAVE WHAT THEY CHOSE TO LISTEN TO!

NO MATTER WHERE THAT GOES AND WHY.

AT LEAST ON MY SIDE THERE WASN'T ANY NAFRAIOUS WHY.

IT WAS ACTUALLY FOR THEIR OWN GOOD.

But since I had to learn the hard way, maybe they did, too.

About what I was saying the whole time...

About me.

About some other things... 

And I have to be okay with that.

If I wasn't, then I wouldn't be....

"Supporting the process" or whatever by resisting it, not accepting it. 

I also have to accept who I was then and who I am now... And why.

So do they. Even if they want "the old me" back.

The old me was tested and had to make adjustments. 

BECAUSE I WAS TESTED.

DID I PASS MY TESTS? NOT ALL OF THEM.

NOT BY A LONG SHOT.

BUT WHY WAS I CONSTANTLY TESTED?

JUST TO SEE HOW I WOULD REACT TO XYZ?

AND IF I REACTED IN A WAY THAT WASN'T EXPECTED....

THAT MADE ME "TOXIC."

OR WHATEVER EXCUSE THEY WANTED TO USE TO DIP.

BECAUSE DIPPING IS EASIER THAN ADMITTING ANYTHING.

JUST THAT.

I'M EXPECTED TO JUST BE THERE... HANGING AROUND WAITING OR SOMETHING...

FOR THEM TO COME BACK WHENEVER THEY WANT...

LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED?

LIKE THEY DID NOTHING?

SAID NOTHING?

NEVER ONCE INSULTED ME?

TREATING ME LIKE THAT IS FKN INSULTING.

IT IS. BECAUSE FK THAT.

LIKE "A***'S SUPPOSED TO BE OLD A*** FOREVER." NO.

NOT OBLIGATED TO BE THAT.

FOR ANYONE.

NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEY WANT THAT BACK.

THEY HAD THAT AND DIDN'T APPRECIATE "THE OLD A***." RIGHT?

WHEN I WAS RIGHT THERE! WHEN "OLD A***" WAS "OLD A***."

THEY MISS THINGS ABOUT ME, BUT THEY DON'T MISS ME.

"I MISS OUR TALKS."

THE FACT THAT I COULD COMMUNICATE. JUST THAT.

EVEN THOUGH THERE'S ALWAYS BEEN MORE TO ME THAN JUST THAT...

BUT WHO'D SEE THAT? IT'S NOT SOMETHING I CAN FORCE ANYONE TO SEE!

TO KNOW OR UNDERSTAND ABOUT ME...

THAT THERE'S BEEN MORE TO ME THAN XYZ... 

THE WHOLE TIME...

BUT... WHO... WOULD.... SEE... THAT?

THEY'D HAVE TO SEE THAT TO KNOW THAT.

ARE THEY OBLIGATED TO SEE ANYTHING THAT THEY CAN'T?

SOME FILTERS FILTER OUT THE OBVIOUS.

SOME PEOPLE HAVE SELECTIVE VISION.

SELECTIVE "HEARING" IS ONE THING.

THERE'S MORE THAN JUST THAT.

LIKE "SELECTIVE KNOWING."

SO THEY CAN SAY: "I DIDN'T KNOW."

LIKE NOT KNOWING WAS THE REASON THEY DID XYZ.

NOT BECAUSE THEY CHOSE XYZ.... RIGHT?

"SELECTIVE UNDERSTANDING."

SO THEY CAN SAY: "IT WAS A MISUNDERSTANDING."

LIKE NOT UNDERSTANDING WAS THE REASON THEY DID XYZ.

NOT BECAUSE THEY CHOSE XYZ.... RIGHT?

PRETTY SURE THEY DID SEE, KNOW, AND UNDERSTAND.

BUT WANTED A MASK OF IGNORANCE SO THEY CAN SAY THEY DIDN'T!

THAT'S WHAT BOTHERED ME, ALSO.

BECAUSE I KNOW THEY ARE SMART ENOUGH TO SEE, KNOW, AND UNDERSTAND.

EXACTLY WHAT I WAS SAYING AND WHY.

BUT I FOUND OUT THAT HOW I SAID IT SEEMED TO MATTER MORE

THAN WHAT I WAS ACTUALLY SAYING...

WHEN WHAT I WAS SAYING WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE POINT.

NOT HOW I WAS SAYING IT.

LIKE THEY WOULD RATHER LOOK AT ANYTHING

OTHER THAN WHAT I WAS SAYING AND WHY.

INCLUDING HOW I SAID IT.

September 18th Part 1

 Sometimes it's hard to sleep. 

Sometimes I think about things I probably shouldn't. 

I've thought about what my ideal partner would be like. 

How certain things would be easy because it'd just... Flow.

How simple and easy it would be to communicate. 

How nice it'd be just to be heard and understood the first time. 

How nice it'd be to be able to actually trust him.

Knowing that I can and that he won't risk my trust.

How nice it'd be that we can just talk about everything... 

Even when we are upset about something. 

But we'd know each other so well that we rarely have any issues with each other...

Because we'd have similar values and think alike... 

Maybe even another Capricorn or earth sign.

Someone down to earth. 

Someone who is independent, who doesn't "need" me. 

Someone who'd want me for me. 

Someone I could trust to the point that intimacy would be off the charts. 

I know that I can actually feel certain things, still.

Even as closed off as I have been... I know what OPEN feels like.

Even after all of that. 

But I also know what OPEN feels like when it actually feels SAFE.

Not just OPEN to the possibility of someone ruining things between us.

Someone who wouldn't want to ruin things between us...

Not that I expect to be 100% satisfied all the time... 

But I know that he wouldn't intentionally disappoint me...

Because he'd know what that feels like.

And he'd actually consider my feelings and actually care about me. 

He'd have learned his own lessons enough not to repeat mistakes he made. 

Especially not with me. 

He'd be real with me because he'd know I was being real with him. 

He's appreciate that about me just as much as I appreciate that about him. 

I wouldn't have to be anything I'm not, for him. 

And I'd be more than enough as I am. 

He wouldn't have to be anything he's not, for me.

And he'd be more than enough as he is.

He'd be mature and see the maturity in me. 

He'd get me in ways I knew was possible but hadn't seen until him. 

I'd get him in ways he knew was possible but hadn't seen until me...

But things would be FAIR, HONEST, ETC.

For both of us. Not just him, not just me.

An actual, meaningful partnership. 

Between grown mature adults. 

Not just a "relationship."

An actual partnership. 

But I'm not in any hurry to "find" him. 

He's not in any hurry to "find" me.

He has his own sh*t to do. In his own life.

Working on whatever stability looks like to him. 

Maybe feeling decent in his own life finally. 

After a lot of bullsh*t he had attempted.

A lot of "I thought this was something it wasn't."

Like I had thought, but learned from, also. 

Sometimes I think about those things. Even though I probably shouldn't. 

Because I've really HAD ENOUGH. 

I don't want to fear trying again...

But I don't want to if it's going to be more BS. Just that.

And finally feeling decent is enough to just feel decent, finally. 

Y'know? Without anything or anyone extra in my life. 

I've focused on my "love life" for long enough that I'd rather focus on other things. 

I'm tired. 

I think I've earned a rest after all that BS. 

September 17 Part 2

 Still writing, just not posting every day. 

Not like I can right now. But that's okay. 

I can still write at least. 

Been catching up on some other stuff... 

Which was why I took a break from writing.

Although I'm disappointed with the way things turned out... 

HOW CAN I BE SURPRISED?

VERY RARELY DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY APPRECIATE HAVING ME IN THEIR LIFE. 

THEY'D HAVE TO BE IN MINE AND MAKE THAT EFFORT. 

THEY RARELY DO. 

AND THEY CAN'T SAY THEY KNOW ME. 

WHY BE IN MY LIFE?

And I'd rather have people in my life

WHO TOOK THE TIME TO ACTUALLY KNOW ME. 

MOSTLY JUDGED BY PEOPLE WHO NEVER KNEW ME

BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T TRYING TO. 

DID IT P*SS ME OFF? YEAH. 

BUT WHY SHOULD I CARE IF THEY KEEP SHOWING ME

THAT THEY DON'T?

SHOULD I? FK THAT.

BESIDES, I HAVE THINGS GOING ON, FOR MYSELF. 

THEY AREN'T FOR PEOPLE WHO WEREN'T THERE.

WHO ONLY SHOW BACK UP WHEN I'M BUILDING SOMETHING... 

WHO ASK ME HOW I'M DOING....

BUT NEVER ASKED IN 12 FKN YEARS...

BECAUSE I WAS DEAD TO THEM....

BECAUSE THEY GHOSTED ME.

PEOPLE DON'T "MAGICALLY" START CARING. 

AND IF THEY DO...

WHY SHOULD I CARE THAT THEY "GREW A HEART"?

I WASN'T AROUND FOR THEM TO "GET TO KNOW"

BECAUSE OF WHAT THEY CHOSE. 

SO WHY SHOULD THEY GET TO "CHANGE THEIR MIND"

ABOUT ME WHEN THEY NEVER FKN KNEW ME?

AND THEY NEVER KNEW ME

BECAUSE OF HOW THEY WERE TREATING ME

BECAUSE THEY NEVER FKN KNEW ME... 

Just ironic.... That I'm coding now etc....

AND NOW THEY ARE SUDDENLY "INTERESTED"?

WELP, YOU GHOSTED ME...

YOU DON'T GET TO BE INTERESTED OR IN MY LIFE

BECAUSE YOU DID THAT SH*T TO ME. 

WHILE KNOWING I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT SH*T. 

WHILE KNOWING I TRUSTED YOU NOT TO. 

AND ALL I DID WAS BE UPSET

THAT I WASN'T BEING TREATED FAIRLY. 

SO TOXIC, EH?

IF THINGS WERE FAIR, WOULD I HAVE BEEN UPSET? NO?

JUST THAT. 

SO EVERYONE CAN SAY WHATEVER THEY WANT TO.

ABOUT ME WITHOUT KNOWING ME. 

BECAUSE I DGAF WHAT THEY THINK OR SAY. 

THEY CAN SAY WHATEVER, THEY DO ANYWAY!

BUT DOESN'T MEAN THEY WERE EVER RIGHT ABOUT ME. 

HOW COULD THEY BE? DO THEY KNOW ME? NO?

DID THEY EVER ASK:

"WHY AM I LISTENING TO SOMEONE TALK SH*T ABOUT A***

WHO DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HER?"

"HOW DO YOU KNOW XYZ ABOUT A***? YOU DON'T KNOW HER!"

THEY DON'T! THEY JUST EAT UP THE BS. 

LIKE IT WAS GOSPEL TRUTH FFS. 

SO I'LL LET THEM DO THAT.

SINCE THAT'S WHAT THEY WANTED TO DO. 

THEY WANTED TO INSULT ME AND GHOST ME...

SO SAYING "FINE." MAKES ME "TOXIC"

AND ACTING OUT BECAUSE OF IT...

WOULD BE THEM SAYING: "I WAS RIGHT! SHE'S CRAZY!"

SO THEN? THEY CAN ALL JUST FK OFF...

AND LEAVE ME ALONE!

IF THEY CAN'T FKN BE DECENT TO ME!

I'D RATHER BE "ALONE" THAN PUT UP WITH THAT SH*T

CONSTANTLY AND EXCLUSIVELY. 

LIKE THAT'S ALL I'M "WORTH" OR SOMETHING. FK THAT.

I'D RATHER BE LIKED AND ACCEPTED BY THOSE WHO TRIED.

WHO SHOWED ME DECENCY AND RESPECT.

FROM DAY ONE. 

NOT BY PEOPLE WHO LISTENED TO BS

AND JUDGED ME ON THAT BS.

FK THAT. 

WHY WOULD PEOPLE WHO TALK SH*T ABOUT ME

WANT THE PEOPLE THEY TELL THAT SH*T TO....

TO BELIEVE IT? HMMM?

BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT THAT PERSON

THEY CONVINCED ABOUT ME

TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME!

THAT'S WHY!

AND IF THEY FALL FOR THAT....

THEY CAN STAND ON IT. 

"IF I MAKE A*** MAD AT THEM....

SHE'LL BE TOO MAD TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM..."

AND "IF I CONVINCE XYZ OF XYZ.... THEY'LL BELIEVE ME, NOT A***."

ONE OF THE OLDEST FKN TRICKS IN THE BOOK!

AND ANYONE WHO FALLS FOR IT

SHOULDN'T GET A "SEAT AT MY TABLE."

WHY SHOULD THEY GET ANYTHING FROM ME?

WHY SHOULDN'T I HAVE BEEN UPSET?

WAS THAT SH*T FAIR TO ME? NO?

What's FAIR is letting them think whatever tf they want to!

EVEN ABOUT ME!

AND NOT HAVING TO CONVINCE THEM OF FKN ANYTHING!

NOT EVEN THE TRUTH!

AND NOT WANTING TO DEAL WITH THAT BS.

WHY WOULD I WANT TO?

AND LIVING MY LIFE REGARDLESS OF WHAT PEOPLE THINK.

OR THOUGHT BECAUSE THEY WERE FED BS... 

IT WAS INFURIATING BECAUSE IT WAS UNFAIR.

AND UNFAIR TO EXPECT ME TO "FORGET"

12 YEARS LATER... 

AND BEING ACCUSED OF BEING MANIPULATIVE

HOW IS MOVING ON WITH MY OWN LIFE

AND LETTING THEM MOVE ON WITHOUT ME....

FOR 12 YEARS "MANIPULATING" ANYONE?

IF I CAN'T GET SOMETHING WITH MY OWN MERIT, 

SHOULD I WANT IT?

SHOULD I EVEN CARE ABOUT IT OR WANTING IT?

PEOPLE USED TO DO THAT CRAP AT SCHOOL. 

I DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD CONTINUE AFTER SCHOOL. 

BUT IF THAT'S THE MENTALIY THEY STILL HAVE...

IS IT WORTH IT TO ME? NO!

ANY "FRIENDS" TAKEN FROM ME WITH LIES. 

WEREN'T REAL FRIENDS TO BEGIN WITH. 

AND SOMEONE WHO WASN'T A REAL FRIEND...

DOESN'T GET TO BE MY "LOVER."

IT BUGS ME WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT SH*T...

BECAUSE IF THEY DIDN'T SEE "POTENTIAL"

THEY WOULDN'T HAVE A "REASON" TO DO IT.

BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO "RUIN" THE POTENTIAL. 

AND IF THEY REALLY GO HARD TO DO IT....

THEY SAW A LOT OF POTENTIAL THERE. 

WHICH MEANS THERE PROBABLY WAS A LOT OF POTENTIAL.

RIGHT?

"HOW DARE A*** HAVE THIS MUCH POTENTIAL!"

"LET'S CONVINCE THE PEOPLE WHO WOULD HAVE SUPPORTED

AND CARED ABOUT HER... 

THAT SHE'S XYZ..."

HOW MANY TIMES DID THAT HAPPEN? TOO MANY.

I FIND OUT WHEN THEY TURN ON ME.

SO MANY TIMES THAT I SEE IT FOR WHAT IT IS. 

I CAN'T FORCE ANYONE ELSE TO SEE IT. 

IF IT HAPPENED TO THEM, THEY'D SEE IT.

THEY'D UNDERSTAND IT. 

THEY WOULDN'T FALL FOR IT.

THEY'D BE BETTER THAN THAT. 

AND IS IT MY FAULT IF THEY AREN'T BETTER THAN THAT?

IS IT MY FAULT FOR THINKING THEY WERE?

FOR HOPING THEY WERE BETTER THAN THAT?

I DID HOPE. HAD HOPE.

HAD INTEREST.

HAD POTENTIAL. 

IF I HAD NO POTENTIAL, THEY WOULD HAVE LEFT ME ALONE!

I WOULDN'T BE A "TARGET."

I WOULDN'T HAVE EVER BEEN TREATED LIKE THAT.

I WOULD HAVE HAD WHAT THEY CONVINCED EVERYONE OUT OF. 

NOT THAT THOSE THINGS WERE MORE IMPORTANT TO ME

THAN EVERYTHING ELSE....

NOT AS IMPORTANT AS THE PEOPLE DOING THAT CRAP

THOUGHT IT WAS.

BECAUSE IT MEANS EVERYTHING TO THEM.

THAT'S WHY THEY DO IT TO THIS DEGREE TO ME. 

BECAUSE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO MEAN

WHAT IT MEANT TO THEM. 

TO INFLICT MAX DAMAGE. 

TO MAKE ME "FEEL" LIKE I WASN'T WORTH A DAMN.... EVER.

TO FK WITH MY HEAD ABOUT MY OWN WORTH AS A PERSON.

SO THAT I'D RELAPSE OR SOMETHING ELSE.

"IF A*** HAS NO FRIENDS, SHE'LL K*LL HERSELF LIKE HER DAD DID."

SURE, IT'S NICE TO HAVE FRIENDS. 

BUT... I'D RATHER HAVE ACTUAL FRIENDS. REAL FRIENDS. 

FAKE FRIENDS FALL FOR BS. 

THEY NEVER WERE MY FRIENDS. 

OR THEY WOULD HAVE SEEN RIGHT THROUGH IT.

THEY WOULD HAVE REALIZED HOW FKN UNFAIR IT ACTUALLY WAS

AND WHY I WAS UPSET ABOUT IT. 

AND WOULD HAVE REALIZED OTHER THINGS ABOUT ME.

ABOUT THE "CONVINCERS" AND ABOUT THEMSELVES. 

BUT THEY DIDN'T. 

SO I LIVE WITH THE FACTS OF WHAT HAPPENED.

AND WHAT SEEMS TO KEEP HAPPENING... 

AND HOW I FELT ABOUT IT...

I HAD A RIGHT TO FEEL. 

NO MATTER HOW ANYONE FEELS ABOUT 

HOW I FELT AND FEEL ABOUT IT. 

BECAUSE IF IT WAS DONE TO THEM, 

THEY'D PROBABLY FEEL A TYPE OF WAY ABOUT IT... 

AND THEY'D HAVE A RIGHT TO!

SO SHOULDN'T I HAVE THAT SAME RIGHT?

TO FEEL A TYPE OF WAY ABOUT BEING TREATED UNFAIRLY?

IF THAT'S ALL I'M EVEN DOING....

FEELING A TYPE OF WAY....

ABOUT BEING TREATED UNFAIRLY....

WHICH I SHOULD HAVE A RIGHT TO DO.... 

BECAUSE THEY WOULD, TOO... 

THEN... SURE. 

LET THEM TELL EVERYONE HOW "TOXIC" I AM

AND LET THEM LIE ABOUT WHAT THEY DID.

AND "FORGET" THEY EVEN DID IT. 

FUNNY HOW THEY CAN "FORGET" ABOUT ME FOR 12 YEARS...

AND IF THEY WANT SOMETHING...

I'M SUPPOSED TO RE-OPEN THE DOOR THEY SLAMMED IN THEIR FACE.

BUT NO. I DON'T WANT TO.

NOT AFTER THAT.

AND SAYING SO... MAKES ME "TOXIC."

SLAMMING THE DOOR IN THEIR OWN FACE...

AND EXPECTING ME TO RE-OPEN IT

WITHOUT FACING ANYTHING THEY DID OR SAID...

AND EXPECTING ME TO "FORGET"

JUST SO THEY CAN GET SOMETHING THEY WANT....

AND TRY TO TRIGGER ME AGAIN WITH INSULTS...

IS ACTUALLY FKN TOXIC.

LETTING PEOPLE GO LIVE THEIR LIVES....

LIKE THEY WANTED TO...

WITHOUT ME...

IS HEALTHY. 

THEY CAN'T SAY IT ISN'T. 

BECAUSE THEY KNOW IT IS. 

AND THEY KNOW IT KNOCKS THEIR FALSE NARRATIVE 

OUT OF THE WATER. 

I'D HAVE BEEN PLAYING GAMES WITH THEM

IF I WAS TOXIC. 

I WOULD HAVE ACTED OUT... 

I WOULD HAVE DONE A BUNCH OF THINGS... 

IF I WAS SO TOXIC THAT I COULDN'T CONTROL MYSELF. 

BUT WHY SHOULD I "HOLD MY TONGUE"

WHEN IT COMES TIME TO CALL SOMEONE OUT?

IF THEY HAD SOMETHING TO ACTUALLY CALL ME OUT FOR....

THEY COULD!

BUT THEY DON'T!

BECAUSE I DON'T DO A PLENTITUDE OF BS

TO BE CALLED OUT FOR!

AND I'M NOT THE SAME PERSON I WAS IN MY 20s.

BUT EVEN IN MY TEENS, I WASN'T IGNORANT ENOUGH

TO DO CERTAIN THINGS

THAT I ALREADY KNEW WERE BS. 

IF I SAW POTENTIAL.... THEY WERE ALLOWED TO HAVE IT!

LIKE I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ALLOWED TO HAVE POTENTIAL!

BUT JUST BECAUSE I SAW POTENTIAL....

DIDN'T MEAN THEY WERE GOING TO REACH IT. 

BECAUSE THAT WAS UP TO THEM, NOT ME. 

THEY'D ONLY REACH IT IF THEY SAW THEIR OWN POTENTIAL.

AND EVEN IF THEY DID.... THEY HAD TO REACH IT

FOR THEMSELVES. 

AND IF SOMEONE REACHES THEIR POTENTIAL

DESPITE THE SUPPORT THAT WAS "TAKEN AWAY"

OUT OF JEALOUSY ETC... 

THEY HAD IT ALL ALONG. 

AND IT NEVER DEPENDED ON ANYTHING

THAT COULD BE "TAKEN AWAY"

WITH LIES AND BS. 

This is what intelligent people

WHO HAVE INTEGRITY

FACE CONSTANTLY. 

AND WHY THEY MOSTLY KEEP TO THEMSELVES.

BECAUSE OF THAT SH*T.

BECAUSE "IF EVERYONE SEES A*** LIKE XYZ...

THEY WON'T GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO HER TO SEE IT WAS BS."

AND TO WRITE THIS WHEN I'M 42 FKN YEARS OLD IS FKN WILD TO ME. 

WILL I HAVE TO WRITE IT AGAIN?

WHEN I'M 84? 

OR WILL PEOPLE BE DONE WITH THEIR SH*T BY THEN?

"A*** WILL GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE! 

SHE ALREADY GAVE ME 50+ CHANCES!"

YES... BUT YOUR LAST CHANCE....

THAT YOU BLEW....

BY SLAMMING THE DOOR IN YOUR OWN FACE...

WAS THE LAST CHANCE.

THAT THEY COULD HAVE TAKEN....

LIKE THEIR FIRST CHANCE....

THAT THEY WANTED TO WASTE AND THROW AWAY.

TIME AND TIME AGAIN... 

BECAUSE I WASN'T "WORTH" IT TO THEM. 

IF I WASN'T "WORTH IT" THEN....

WHY WOULD I BE 12 YEARS LATER?

BECAUSE I'M DOING MORE? HAVE MORE?

DID MORE? AM MORE?

OVERCAME MORE?

BECAME EVEN STRONGER BECAUSE OF IT?

FINE ON MY OWN?

WITHOUT THEM?

WORTH ASKING.

THEY "MAGICALLY" SAW MY WORTH?

AND "MAGICALLY" STARTED TO CARE?

I'M SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT?

BECAUSE WHEN THEY COULD HAVE...

DIDN'T WANT TO!

SO NOW THAT I DON'T WANT TO....

ANYMORE....

BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T....

I'M TOXIC FOR NOT WANTING TO!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE NOT WANTING TO

MEANS THEY CAN'T GET WHATEVER TF THEY WANTED

FROM ME. 

AND TO BE ACCUSED OF WANTING SOMETHING I ACTUALLY DIDN'T...

IS JUST AS INSULTING AS THE BS. 

IF YOU ASSUME THE BS IS TRUE

AND YOU TREAT SOMEONE LIKE SH*T BECAUSE OF THE BS...

THEY DON'T HAVE TO WANT TO REPEAT THAT SH*T.

THEY.DON'T.HAVE.TO.WANT.TO.

AND IF YOU GET MAD THAT THEY DON'T WANT TO...

THAT SAYS MORE ABOUT YOU THAN IT DOES ABOUT THEM!

ONLY SO LONG YOU KEEP TREATING LIKE SH*T...

BEFORE THEY TELL YOU....

TO GFY!!!!!!

AND YOU CAN BE MAD THAT THEY DO....

BUT WHEN YOU ALREADY WASTED YOUR CHANCES....

YOU DID THAT!!!!!!!!! NOT THEM!

IT'S NOT LIKE I EVEN WANTED "SPECIAL TREATMENT."

TO BE TREATED LIKE AN ACTUAL PERSON

THEY COULD HAVE GOTTEN TO KNOW...

AND HAD THE CHANCE AND TIME TO GET TO KNOW

IF THEY WANTED TO... 

THAT WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. 

BUT TO NOT EVEN BE TREATED LIKE I WAS A FKN HUMAN....

JUST "WORDS ON A SCREEN"

THEY COULD REACT TO HOWEVER... 

NOT AN ACTUAL PERSON....

WHO FEELS HOW SHE FEELS FOR A LOT OF ACTUAL REASONS.

THAT GET DEMINISHED OR DISMISSED

LIKE HER FEELINGS

EVERY FKN TIME... 

WOULD YOU WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT?

AND BE EXPECTED TO PUT UP WITH IT?

UNTIL YOU EITHER CAN'T OR DON'T WANT TO?

NO? YOU WOULDN'T?

THEN WHY WOULD I?

NOT THAT MY FEELINGS MATTERED MORE THAN HIS, 

BUT THEY FKN WERE SUPPOSED TO MATTER!

I WAS TOO! AS A PERSON! I DIDN'T!

SO WHY WOULD I "MAGICALLY MATTER 12 YEARS LATER"?

THAT'S NOT "MAGIC" IT'S SOMETHING ELSE.

IT'S BS.

I wrote some more, but my computer crashed. I lost it.

It was about how... THEY CAN RECALL THE GOOD PARTS.

AND "MISS THE OLD A***."

THE A*** WHO PUT UP WITH TOO MUCH

OF WHAT SHE DIDN'T DESERVE. FOR YEARS. 

AND ALL OF THAT BS COULD HAVE AFFECTED HOW I SEE MYSELF. 

COULD HAVE AFFECTED MY SELF-ESTEEM LIKE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO. 

TO MAKE ME "FEEL" "LESS THAN"

OR WHATEVER... 

IT COULD HAVE! IT ALMOST DID. 

BUT THE ONLY THING I ACTUALLY DID

WAS BE UPSET FOR BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED. 

IF THAT'S THE WORST I DID...

I WASN'T EVER AS BAD AS THEY THOUGHT I WAS

AND TRIED TO MAKE ME THINK I WAS.

I WASN'T. 

AND THE TIMES WE HAD NO ISSUES.

WERE TIMES I NEVER FKN CREATED ANY!

THEY FELT DECENT BECAUSE THAT WAS ME BEING REAL. 

THEY GET TO REMEMBER THAT AND WISH THEY COULD HAVE IT BACK.

BUT THEY CAN'T....

BECAUSE THEY TOOK ME FOR GRANTED!

ATE UP THE BS!

TREATED ME LIKE SH*T!

FKN FOOLISH TO THINK THEY COULD JUST HAVE THAT BACK!

ESPECIALLY AFTER THEY THREW IT AWAY!

FOR NOTHING!

SOLIDARITY IS A RARITY THEY WON'T BE ABLE TO JUST FIND.

NOT JUST ANYWHERE.

NOT JUST ANYONE. 

NOW THEY KNOW THAT, BUT....

DIDN'T WANT TO LISTEN OR CARE.

I'M NOT OBLIGATED TO "CELEBRATE MY WINS"

WITH SOMEONE WHO WANTED ME TO FEEL LIKE SH*T

AND WANTED TO TREAT ME LIKE I DIDN'T FKN MATTER TO THEM. 

AND I DON'T GAF IF THAT MAKES PEOPLE MAD.

THEY WERE TOO BUSY TREATING ME LIKE I DIDN'T MATTER.

SO WHY SHOULD I MATTER....

IF I HAVE SOMETHING THAT THEY WANT?

OR IF I CAN DO SOMETHING THEY CAN'T?

OR IF MY "VALUE" TO THEM WERE ONLY TIED TO THOSE THINGS?

IF THEY NEVER SAW ME FOR ME?

MATTERING ONLY MATTERS IF YOU STILL WANT TO MATTER

ABOVE ALL ELSE.

ABOVE EVEN YOUR OWN DIGNITY

THAT YOU WEREN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO HAVE!

BECAUSE THEY WOULD HAVE JUST LET YOU HAVE THAT!

AT THE VERY LEAST! RIGHT?

September 17th Part 1

 It's not like I'm claiming to be "perfect" or anything. 

I'm not. Not by any stretch of the imagination. 

For years, I didn't know I have BPD... 

Would have been good to know that.

BPD is a mood disorder.

IT'S NOT MY ENTIRE PERSONALITY.

Yes, like every other person, I have FLAWS.

I ALSO MAKE MISTAKES, TOO. 

BUT CERTAIN THINGS... I WOULDN'T DO.

BECAUSE I'D LIKE TO THINK I'M MATURE ENOUGH

NOT TO FKN DO THOSE THINGS.

WHEN I PULL A "THEM" ON "THEM,"

THEY DON'T LIKE IT.

WHY WOULD THEY?

THEY LIKE IT AS MUCH AS I DID, EH?

P*SSES THEM OFF, EH?

So.... No...

THEY CAN STAND ON THEIR SH*T.

AND IF THAT MAKES ME "TOXIC"

THEN I'M FKN NUCLEAR TOXIC AND I DGAF.

IF THERE WAS NO SH*TTINESS...

NOTHING TO PLAY BACK TO THEM....

OR "REMIND" THEM OF

WHEN THEY "FORGET."

WHAT PROBLEM WOULD I HAVE WITH THEM?

ANY?

PROBABLY NOT!

BUT WHAT I GOT TIRED OF....

IS BEING "MADE THE PROBLEM"

AND HAVING TO GO THROUGH THE BS

THAT P*SSED ME OFF IN THE FIRST PLACE... 

AND BLAMED FOR IT.

1) NOT COOL

2) NOT MATURE

3) NOT HERE FOR THAT SH*T

4) THEY WOULDN'T BE COOL WITH IT EITHER!

FKN DOUBLE STANDARDS:

THEY THINK THEY CAN TREAT ME HOWEVER, 

BUT WHEN I GIVE IT RIGHT BACK...

"HOW DARE YOU!"

AND SOMETIMES I DON'T DO THAT SH*T BACK TO THEM.

I DIDN'T BEAT MY EX TO A PULP. 

COULD HAVE REALLY HURT HIM. 

CHOSE NOT TO HIT HIM BACK.

COULD I HAVE? YEAH!

I BROKE THAT KID'S NOSE IN THE 1RST GRADE.

I KNOW I CAN DO DAMAGE IF I WANTED TO.

WITHOUT EVEN TRYING THAT HARD.

BUT AM I OUT THERE? DOING THAT?

OR DID I LEARN WHEN I WAS 7 YEARS OLD....

THAT I COULD ACTUALLY HURT SOMEONE?

BECAUSE I DID!

I BUSTED HIS NOSE!

MADE HIM CRY. LIKE A "BABY."

FOR FKN PESTERING ME RELENTLESSLY EVERY DAY.

HE STOPPED AFTER THAT.

DID I FEEL BAD THAT I ACTUALLY HURT HIM? YEAH.

ALL I WAS TRYING TO DO WAS SHOW HIM.

WHY NOT TO FK WITH ME.

WAS HE EXPECTING ME TO CLOCK HIM? NO!

HE SAW ME AS A "BABY."

HE THOUGHT I WASN'T GOING TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

IF I DIDN'T, HE WOULDN'T HAVE STOPPED HIS CRAP.

IMAGINE HAVING TO SAY: "A GIRL BROKE MY NOSE..."

A 7 YEAR OLD GIRL! A FIRST GRADER!

WHY THOUGH? PROBABLY DIDN'T TELL ANYONE

HOW FKN RELENTLESS HE WAS WITH HIS CRAP.

RIGHT?

UNTIL I HAD "ENOUGH"?

AND WHEN I DID....

I GOT SUSPENDED FROM SCHOOL FOR THAT. 

My mother would tell me things like:

TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT.

THEY DON'T. 

BUT I LEARNED FROM ACTUALLY HURTING SOMEONE

THAT I ACTUALLY COULD.

WITHOUT TRYING ALL THAT HARD. 

OR MEANING TO. 

I JUST MEANT TO POP HIM ONE IN THE FACE.

I DIDN'T THINK I'D BREAK HIS NOSE.

IT WASN'T LIKE:

"I'M GOING TO BREAK HIS NOSE..."

IT WAS LIKE: "HE'S ALWAYS RIGHT BEHIND ME

EVERY TIME I GET INSIDE AFTER RECESS."

RIGHT BEHIND ME, PICKING ON ME, WITH HIS CRAP.

I KNEW THAT ALL I HAD TO DO WAS WAIT FOR IT.

AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS TURN AROUND.

AND JUST POP HIM.

So I did! Imagine his surprise!

POP! BROKEN NOSE!

I'm not advocating "vi0lence."

TWO WRONGS DO NOT MAKE A RIGHT!!!!!!!!

NOT WITH ANY STRETCH OF THE IMAGINATION!

I'm only telling the story...

BECAUSE I LEARNED FROM THAT.

MAYBE HE DID, TOO. 

BUT I LEARNED THAT IT WAS POSSIBLE

FOR ME TO REALLY, ACTUALLY, HURT SOMEONE.

AND THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN ASSAULT, TOO. 

BUT NOT LIKE THEY COULD CHARGE A 7 YEAR OLD.