Layers...

It's getting colder these days... 
I've started with the layers...
Today was decent, though, didn't need them. 
Was way warm on the way to the library. 

Going to try to make a habit of coming once a week, at least. 

There's a lot I've accepted... 
If I didn't, it'd still p*ss me off... 

Without accountability, there's a lot of uselessness. 

Without the filter, gaslighting, and "playing victim."
THAT IS THE TRUTH. 

WANTED TO PUSH ME AWAY. DID THAT.
TWICE.

SO WHAT COULD HE WANT? 
FROM ME?

Do I want anyone to want something from me?
Depends, I guess. 

BUT THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE SELFISH. 
THEY WOULDN'T WANT ME TO BE SELFISH, EITHER.

There's no LOYALTY. NONE.
SO WHY WOULD THERE BE TRUST?

No accountability, no regret, nothing. 

So they can get what they gave me from whoever. 
ALL THAT BS.

WHY WOULD I STAND FOR THAT SH*T?

Yes, I held his FEET TO THE FIRE. 
AND MAYBE, ONE DAY, HE WILL "UNDERSTAND" WHY.

MAYBE I WAS THE ONLY ONE. 

At least he didn't "bring me into" his sh*t... 
SINCE I'M NOT IN HIS LIFE. 

I was spared of that, I guess.
SHOULD BE THANKFUL FOR IT, TOO.

Sure, things didn't go as I had hoped... 
BUT... HE PLAYED BS GAMES.

BECAUSE THAT'S ALL HE KNOWS. 

"RESISTING THE LESSON."
Because had he LEARNED....
HE WOULD HAVE LEARNED
THAT I DON'T FKN PLAY.

I was the one who "made things right."
I was the one who tried to fix things.
I was the one making the effort...

HE SHOULD BE ANGRY AT HIMSELF.
BECAUSE HE SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH THINGS
THAT HE INTENDED TO KEEP.

Should be looking for the value... 
INSTEAD OF GOING THROUGH CYCLES. 

"IF YOU COULDN'T BE A BLESSING TO THEM, 
YOU HAD TO MOVE ON."

Yes, had to HEAL from all the GAMES.

BEEN FKN FED UP FOR A REALLY LONG TIME!
OF COURSE I'D BE P*SSED!

BECAUSE THEY NEVER HAD TO DO ME LIKE THAT.
RIGHT?

JUST THAT. THEY KNOW THAT. 
IF THEY DON'T, THEY NEVER KNEW ME.

Why would I be PROTECTING MYSELF?
WHY WOULD MY GUARD BE UP?

ALL THE WAY UP?
ANY REASON?

People who don't REFLECT.....
DEFLECT AND PROJECT.

THAT'S WHAT THEY KNOW HOW TO DO. 

I CHOOSE TO PROTECT MYSELF FROM THAT SH*T. 
WHICH I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO DO.

I LOST HOPE THAT THINGS WOULD CHANGE.
BECAUSE THINGS COULD HAVE CHANGED.
A LONG TIME AGO.
THEY DIDN'T. 

So then? What's left?
ACCEPTING THAT NOTHING WILL CHANGE.
WHEN IT COMES TO THAT. 

"Sometimes hope can keep us stuck."

LOOK HOW LONG I HAD HOPED THAT MIRROR SMASHER
WOULD GROW TF UP! 

7 YEARS!

IF I LOST HOPE OF CHANGE SOONER....
WOULD I HAVE WASTED 7 YEARS?

Sometimes losing hope isn't a bad thing. 
SOMETIMES IT'S LOGICAL AND PRACTICAL. 
BECAUSE "LIFE MUST GO ON."
WITHOUT PEOPLE....

BECAUSE A "DISCUSSION" WON'T GO ANYWHERE.
NOTHING I SAID OR COULD HAVE DONE... 
WOULD HAVE CHANGED ANYTHING... 

OTHERWISE.... THINGS WOULD HAVE CHANGED.

THEY DIDN'T. 

There's no "space" to have a healthy conversation. 
IF I SAID ANYTHING TRUTHFUL... 
I'M "TOXIC" AS AN EXCUSE TO "BLOCK"
OR WHATEVER PROJECTIONS... 

HOW DARE I SAY SOMETHING
SOMEONE DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR!

HOW DARE I EXPRESS MYSELF
AND HOW I FEEL AND FELT!

PEOPLE FKN "PLAY FKN DUMB"
WHEN THEY KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING. 

BUT INSTEAD OF BEING ALLOWED TO TALK.....
ABOUT ANYTHING.... 

I'M NOT! SO WHY FKN BOTHER?
SAME SH*T?
NO THANKS. 

I DON'T NEED ANYTHING FROM PEOPLE... 
I CAN'T FKN TALK TO!

THERE'S ALWAYS SOME "EXCUSE"
TO "BLAME ME" FOR THEIR INABILITY
TO HAVE A CONVERSATION. 

I GAINED MORE FROM THE DISTANCE.....
THAN WHATEVER BS THEY "NEEDED" TO PULL
TO "MAKE" ME THE "PROBLEM."

I'VE TAKEN THE "RESPONSIBILITY"
FOR PEOPLE WHO COULDN'T AND FKN WOULDN'T!
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT WAS MINE TO TAKE!
EVER!

AND THEY CAN DO THE SAME THING....
WITH SOMEONE ELSE... 

THE SAME BS THINGS THEY NEVER HAD TO DO TO ME. 
TO SOMEONE ELSE.

THEN SOMEONE ELSE IS "THE PROBLEM."

My ex was trying to come at me with:
"A*** you're the common denominator of your failed relationships."

EXCUSE ME?
COMING FROM A DUDE WHO HAD ONLY ONE RELATIONSHIP
THAT HE FKN RUINED WITH ME. 

IF HE HADN'T, MAYBE WE WOULD BE TOGETHER!
RIGHT?

AND NO MATTER WHAT I SAY...
I'M GOING TO BE "ATTACKED" FOR SAYING IT....

BECAUSE NOBODY CAN FKN HAVE A HEALTHY
CONVERSATION ABOUT
WHAT THEY NEED TO TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY FOR. 

IT'S EASIER TO JUST SH*T ALL OVER ME. 
FOR FKN EVERYTHING. 

SO THEY DO THAT TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEIR BS. 
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THEIR BS ISN'T BS! IT IS!

If I got accountability for all the BS,
THERE WOULDN'T BE ANY MORE BS!

They wouldn't be trying to "make" me look bad
OF FEEL BAD....
FOR MERELY SAYING WHAT NEEDED TO BE SAID. 

DID I DO ANYTHING "DESTRUCTIVE" TO HIM?
DID I HOLD A GRUDGE FOR 12 YEARS?
DID I "BLOCK" HIM INSTEAD OF TALKING TO HIM?
DID I "RUN AWAY" LIKE A LITTLE B*TCH?
AND TRY COME BACK 12 YEARS LATER?
LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED?

WAS I EVER GOING TO "GET ANYWHERE" WITH HIM?
IF I WAS... I WOULD HAVE!!!!
JUST THAT!

I can say the same for other dudes I've "dealt with."

THE CLOSURE: "IT WASN'T GOING ANYWHERE."
THAT'S THAT.

THE REASON: IF I CAN'T TALK TO YOU....
I DON'T FKN WANT TO!

DID I WANT TO "FIGHT"?
OR DID I WANT TO JUST BE FKN HEARD?
UNDERSTOOD?

BUT PROTECTING MYSELF FROM BS
MAKES ME "TOXIC" TOO! 

APPARENTLY!

PEOPLE WANT TO JUDGE ME.....
LISTENING TO THEM... 

ABOUT ME....
DON'T KNOW ME... 

BUT WHY WOULD I WANT TO REPEAT THAT?

TALKING TO HIM WAS A WASTE OF TIME... 
"HE HAS TO DEFEND HIMSELF BY BLAMING YOU."

THEY WON'T EVER SAY:
"I DID THIS, AND I DID THAT TO A***. IT WAS MY FAULT."

INSULT ME ENOUGH, P*SS ME OFF ENOUGH...
THEN YOU CAN GO FK YOURSELF. 

I AM NOT OBLIGATED TO PROVE MY WORTH. 
TO FKN ANYONE. 

I USED TO TRY HARD... HARDER THAN I SHOULD HAVE. 
JUST TO BE "VALUED."
BUT I NEVER FKN WAS. 

SO IT MADE ME NOT WANT TO TRY ANYMORE. 
BUT THEY SAW ME NOT TRYING ANYMORE... 

"THEY JUST THROW YOU AN EMOTIONAL $5."

IT WAS NEVER ABOUT WHO I WAS... 
IT WAS WHAT I COULD DO FOR THEM. 

WANTED ME TO "FIGHT FOR SOMEONE'S LOVE"
THAN JUST FKN BE MYSELF. 

"If they replace you, you were only there to fill a role."
IT WASN'T THAT THEY LOVED YOU. 

"IF THEY WANT YOU TO COMPETE"
IT WASN'T ABOUT LOVE.
OR VALUING YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE. 

"They don't want to love you for you because they are afraid."
Okay. 

I'm not obligated to prove what I can do. 
BECAUSE IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT THAT.

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT GETTING TO KNOW ME
AS A PERSON. 

WHICH REQUIRED US TO TALK. 
AND SPEND TIME TOGETHER. 

WHICH WE WEREN'T DOING... 
BECAUSE OF THE CHOICES THEY MADE. 
REGARDING ME. 

Because we could have talked and CHILLED. 
LIKE WE USED TO. 

WHEN WE WERE SUPPOSEDLY FRIENDS... 
RIGHT?

WHERE WAS THE LOYALTY? THE RESPECT?
THE CONVERSATIONS?

THEY CAUSED THE DISTANCE. I HAD TO ACCEPT IT. 
IF I DIDN'T ACCEPT IT, THAT WOULD BE MY PROBLEM. 
NOT HIS. 

THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T MAKE IT HIS PROBLEM
AFTER HE BOUNCED THE FIRST TIME. 

"IF I LEAVE SOME CRUMBS.... A*** WILL COME BACK."
WHAT???????????????? DA FUQ????????????

I'M NOT GOING TO POUR INTO SOMEONE
WHO DID NOT GAF ABOUT ME. 
AND MADE IT VERY CLEAR THAT THEY DIDN'T. 

COULD IT HAVE BEEN ANY CLEARER?
THAN THAT?

WHY WOULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN OVER?
WHEN HE DISCARDED ME?

WHY WOULD I BE WAITING FOR 12 YEARS?

FOR WHAT? WHAT WOULD I BE WAITING FOR?
HAD I BEEN WAITING?

I'm worth MORE than that sh*t. 

I'm NOT PERFECT...
BUT I DON'T DO THAT SH*T. 

THAT'S WHAT P*SSED ME OFF....
WHY DO THAT SH*T TO SOMEONE WHO FKN WOULDN'T
DO THAT SH*T TO YOU?

IS THAT FAIR? NO?

Been fkn tired of all of that BS.....
FOR FKN YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS.

PEOPLE MISHANDLING ME. 
THEIR SH*T. 

AND BLAMING ME FOR THEIR SH*T...

SHOULD I BLAME MY SH*T ON THEM?
OR SHOULD I HOLD THEIR FEET TO THE FIRE?

WHICH ONE IS HEALTHIER?

THEY WANTED TO TAKE A CHANCE.....
TURNING THEIR BACK ON ME....
THEY DID THAT. 

"THEY KNOW THEY HURT YOU WITHOUT CAUSE."
YES. THEY KNOW. 

HAD NO REAL "REASON." 
THEY JUST DID WHAT THEY DID. 

AND IS THAT...
SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME WANT TO TRUST THEM?

12 YEARS LATER? 
COULD I TRUST THEM 12 YEARS AGO?

IF I WAS FAKE.... I'D HAVE GONE INTO IT....
TRYING TO GET SOMETHING FROM HIM.
WANTING SOMETHING FROM HIM. 
WITH THE INTENT TO PLAY HIM. 

DID I DO THAT?
DID I "RETALIATE" AFTERWARD?

IF WHAT I "WANTED" WAS MORE "IMPORTANT"
THAN HE WAS TO ME... 

IT WOULD HAVE ONLY BEEN ABOUT WHAT I WANTED!

BUT WHAT HE SEEMS TO WANT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. 
SO HE IS ALLOWED TO WANT THAT.

I'M ALLOWED TO WANT THE ONLY THINGS I DID WANT. 
THEY HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM. 

HE WAS GOING TO TREAT ME LIKE SH*T SOME MORE....
IF I GAVE HIM THE CHANCE TO DO IT. 
WITH THE SAME SH*T HE DID BEFORE. 

I COULD HAVE DONE A LOT WORSE THAN CALL HIM OUT.
A LOT WORSE THAN THAT. 

He knows that. I know that. You know that. 

IF I WAS "TOXIC," I WOULD HAVE DONE A LOT WORSE
THAN MERELY CALLING HIM OUT ON HIS SH*T. 

IF HE WANTS TO PLAY "SILENT TREATMENT" FOR 12 YEARS....
WHY SHOULD I EVEN SAY ANYTHING TO HIM?

I SHOULD HAVE JUST LEFT HIM IN HIS DUST.
HE KNOWS WHAT HE DID.

"YOU'RE TOXIC A***. I'M BLOCKING YOU AGAIN.
YOUR FAULT. LIKE ALWAYS. NEVER MINE, EVER.
MORE SILENT TREATMENT."

WHEN PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.....
THEY RUN AWAY. 

BECAUSE THERE ISN'T ANYTHING FOR THEM TO SAY. 

COULD HAVE JUST.... TOLD THE TRUTH. RIGHT?
AND NOT FKD ME AROUND?

JUST THAT.

By Myself

It's funny how the only thing they could do is PROJECT.
THAT'S IT.

Couldn't play games, couldn't control me... 
Blocking me was a "form of control,"
BUT.... THE ONLY THING HE COULD DO.....
WAS PROJECT. 

THAT'S IT.

My control.... WAS LETTING HIM MOVE ON.
LIKE HE COULD HAVE DONE.

Because that's what I was supposed to do! Right?
So I did that.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO ACCEPT THE DISTANCE
THAT HE CREATED.

I DID THAT. 

RIGHT?

I wasn't expecting him to TRY TO PLAY MORE. 
Definitely not after 12 years... 

They can't BE MAD that I don't want to reconnect....
AFTER ALL OF THAT.

CHANGING.... WOULD HAVE TO REQUIRE
AN EGO DEATH... 

"DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL"
SOUL SEARCHING. 

WOULD I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE MAD?
IF HE DIDN'T WANT TO RECONNECT 
AFTER I DID ALL OF THAT?

NO!!!!!!! I'D HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT.

Am I not allowed to be doing well now?
FOR MYSELF?

"SOME PEOPLE ARE SO ROOTED IN EGO
THAT THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT'S ON THE OTHER SIDE"

THEY CAN FIND OUT BY THEMSELVES!

It wasn't ME he wanted access to.
OR HE WOULD HAVE TREATED ME WELL.
RIGHT?

IT WAS MY ENERGY HE WANTED ACCESS TO.
AND MITIGATION. 
WITHOUT WANTING TO ACTUALLY ADDRESS ANYTHING....

THEN WANTS TO BE MAD???? WHAT?????!!!!

WANTS TO "DEMONIZE" ME FOR CHANGING MY OWN LIFE
WITHOUT HIM.... 

BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE IN IT! 
FOR 12 YEARS. RIGHT?

SO WHY BE MAD NOW?

PEOPLE WHO DO NOT DO "THE WORK"
CAN'T BE MAD AT THOSE WHO HAVE.

HE WANTED THE OLD VERSION OF ME.
WANTED TO GO BACK TO THE WAY THINGS USED TO BE...
BUT.... WAS HE RESPECTING ME?
DID HE TREAT ME LIKE HE VALUED ME? NO?

Didn't. Could have. 

AND FOCUSING ON ME
AND WHAT I HAVE GOING ON NOW.....

ISN'T...

WHAT HE SHOULD BE FOCUSING ON... 

HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN GROWING TF UP!
WORKING ON HIMSELF. 

HE HAD 12 YEARS TO DO IT!!!!!!!!!! RIGHT?

IS IT MY FAULT HE DIDN'T?
AND ISN'T COMMITTED TO CHANGE?
AND WANTS TO "WIN AT ALL COSTS"
BY TALKING WHATEVER SH*T HE WANTS TO TALK?

I'll tell you what the projections are for....
To AFFECT me...

Nobody is "entitled" to come with me....
I'VE GOT THIS FAR ON MY OWN........

WHY? BECAUSE I FOCUS ON MY STUFF. 

"IT'S UNFAIR I CAN'T GO WITH A***."
Welp, could have.... BUT HOW DID HE TREAT ME?
WELL? OR LIKE SH*T?

BE CAREFUL HOW YOU TREAT PEOPLE.

THEY DON'T HAVE TO TAKE YOU WITH THEM.

"THEY ARE WORRIED ABOUT WHAT YOU KNOW."
HOW ABOUT I KNOW....
THAT THEY.....
ARE....
DISLOYAL!

DISLOYAL PEOPLE DISCARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO WHY WOULD I GO SOMEWHERE
THERE'S NOT EVEN LOYALTY?

WOULD THAT BE GOOD FOR ME? NO?

And the only times I walk away are when I HAVE TO.
NOT FOR CONTROL, NOT FOR GAMES, 
FOR ME.

AND I USUALLY GIVE MORE THAN 1 CHANCE....

AND WHEN I GET P*SSED OFF....
I ALREADY GAVE MORE THAN 1 CHANCE.

AND BECAUSE THEY KNEW BETTER!
THEY KNEW WHAT THEY WERE DOING!

Wanted to slow me down and try to make me feel
LIKE ALL MY WORK WAS FOR NOTHING. 

ONE-SIDED COMPETITION. 

WAS I DOING ANYTHING BUT MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS?
WORKING ON MY THINGS? LIVING MY LIFE? NO?

Why would I expect someone who DISCARDED ME
to "return" or try to?

I WOULDN'T! RIGHT?
SO I WASN'T!

But when people think THEY CAN DO WHATEVER THEY WANT
AND TREAT ME HOWEVER THEY WANT... 

AND JUST "REGAIN" THE SAME ACCESS THEY HAD....

NO.

IF I DID THAT SH*T......
NOBODY WOULD WANT TO BE AROUND ME!
AND I COULDN'T BE MAD, SHOCKED, SURPRISED....
OR ANYTHING!

THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO WOULD ACCEPT THAT SH*T....
DON'T RESPECT THEMSELVES....

I DO.

ENOUGH NOT TO DEAL WITH THAT SH*T. 
OR WANT TO.

IMAGINE IT, THOUGH....
BEING DISCARDED 12 YEARS AGO....
AND SUDDENLY..... "HERE I AM."

DENIAL FOR PUTTING ME THROUGH.....
ALL OF THAT.

"IF I MAKE A*** FEEL SMALL....
I CAN BE BIGGER."

CAN YOU IF I DON'T LET YOU?

"IF I MAKE A*** LOOK BAD...
EVEN IF A*** DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO ME...
I CAN MAKE MYSELF LOOK BETTER."

THE TRUTH MAKES PEOPLE LOOK HOWEVER.... 
THEY ACTUALLY LOOK.

YOU CAN'T TREAT PEOPLE LIKE SH*T......
AND EXPECT RESPECT!

YOU CAN'T BURN A BRIDGE COMPLETELY....
AND EXPECT TO REBUILD IT. 

"I EXPECTED A*** TO BE THE SAME."
WHY WOULD I BE?

HOW I WAS MISHANDLED.... CHANGED ME.
LIKE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO. 

WHY WOULDN'T IT?

Wasn't just him.... Or my ex....
Or mirror smasher... 

IT WAS ALL OF THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!
ALL OF IT.

THAT IS WHY I AM TIRED. 

YOU KNOW THAT FEELING....
WHEN YOU'RE SO TIRED....
YOU HAVE SUCH A GOOD SLEEP...
THAT YOU FEEL LIKE A NEW PERSON?

Something like that.
12 years is a long time to TRY TO KEEP UP A FALSE NARRATIVE.
RIGHT?

A LONG TIME TO TRY TO PLAY GAMES WITH SOMEONE
THEY NEVER HAD TO PLAY GAMES WITH....

I did deserve better than I got... Yes, I did.
That's a lot of BS for one person....
FOR THIS LONG? WTF?

YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I'VE BEEN "HURT"?
AM I BLEEDING ON PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T CUT ME?
NO!

THEY DIDN'T CUT ME!
I BLEED ON HERE.
A BIT.... 

I BLEED QUIETLY, TOO.
BY MYSELF. 
NOT FOR EVERYONE TO SEE.

"A*** DIDN'T WANT ME....
SHE MOVED ON......"

WHY DID I MOVE ON?
BECAUSE HE GHOSTED ME?
HMMM. 

HE WANTED ME THERE
WITHOUT FKN TRYING!!!!!!!!

HE PUT MORE EFFORT INTO INSULTING ME!
IT WAS INSULTING!

MY STANDARDS WEREN'T TOO HIGH
WHEN I WANTED FKN HONESTY AND DECENCY!!!!
TO BE TREATED LIKE HE CARED!

THAT'S IT. 

DID I WANT TO GET STOOD UP?
DID I WANT THE INSULTS AND BS?
DID I WANT THE AVOIDANCE?
THE REFUSAL TO.... GROW UP?

TO JUST.... FKN BE MATURE?

TALK?

COMMUNICATE?

"They don't like changes..."
I WAS A CHANGE.
THAT'S WHAT I WAS.

That's what I represented! CHANGE!

But.... Most of the changes I made for myself
WERE THINGS I HAD TO DO MYSELF, 
FOR MYSELF... 
WITHOUT ANYONE AROUND. 

Don't Look Like It

Most people don't think I've been through stuff... 
I don't look like the sh*t I've been through.

SO IT IS EASY TO THINK I HAVEN'T BEEN THROUGH
THE THINGS I WENT THROUGH.

I've written about some of them on here....
Some things I keep to myself... 

Yes, some people tried to isolate and distract me...
BUT ONCE THEY FIND THE LIFE IN THEMSELVES....
THEY LIVE IT....
AND THEY'D LEAVE ME TF ALONE.

THEY GET FRUSTRATED....
BECAUSE THEY DON'T GET TO DO TO ME
WHAT THEY ALREADY DID.

BECAUSE WHEN THEY ALREADY DID THAT....
I SAW IT FOR WHAT IT WAS.

I MAY NOT CALL IT OUT.... AT THE MOMENT....
BUT IF YOU PUSH ME TO THAT POINT....
YES. I WILL.

BECAUSE I GET TIRED OF CRAP
I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO FKN DEAL WITH...

BECAUSE ADULTS SHOULD BE FKN ADULTS.
RIGHT?

ESPECIALLY FKN 12 YEARS AFTER "THE FACT."
RIGHT?

"I'll avoid A*** for 12 years.....
AND AVOID THE TRUTH....
TO KEEP A FALSE NARRATIVE.
AND MY BS EGO AND PRIDE."

OKAY.... YOU GET TO SIT IN THAT.

AND NEXT TIME YOU "WANT TO TALK"
YOU GET TO GFY. 

HOW ABOUT THAT?

BECAUSE I COULD HAVE TOLD HIM TO GO FK HIMSELF.
I COULD HAVE BLOCKED HIM AND NOT SAID FK ALL.

BUT WHY WOULD I LET SOMEONE BACK INTO MY LIFE
WHO TREATED ME LIKE SH*T?????????

HE KNOWS WHAT HE WAS DOING.
HE WAS THE ONE WHO CHOSE TO DO IT.

PRETENDED NOT TO REMEMBER....
HE DOES.

HE PRETENDED NOT TO....
AS PART OF HIS GAME...

NOT TO DEAL WITH THE TRUTH
OF WHAT HE ACTUALLY DID
AND HOW HE ACTUALLY TREATED ME... 

"IF IT HAPPENED LIKE THAT..."

IF????? I JUST FKN TOLD YOU
WHAT YOU DID, AND YOU FKN SAY IF???????

HE LITERALLY WANTED TO GASLIGHT 
AND INSULT ME SOME MORE.

HUGE WASTE OF MY TIME. 

I USED TO HAVE RESPECT FOR THIS GUY.
AFTER ALL THIS BS, I SURE AS HELL LOST ALL OF THAT.

I WOULD HAVE HAD MORE RESPECT FOR THE TRUTH
THAN THOSE BS GAMES.

"I'LL JUST BLOCK HER AND GIVE HER THE SILENT TREATMENT."
AS THOUGH HE ISN'T DOING ME A FAVOR?

IF YOU REMOVE YOUR BS FROM MY LIFE...
THAT'S A WIN FOR ME, FKR!

HE RAN TO "HIDE" FROM THE FACTS. 
OTHERWISE, HE'D FACE THEM.
ALL OF THEM.

HE KNOWS. AS WELL AS I DO.
WHAT HE WAS DOING AND WHY.
HE MADE THOSE CHOICES.

BUT BLOCKING ME DOESN'T MAKE ME WANT TO CHASE.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE FKN BOTHERED WITH HIS BS.
WHAT WAS I EXPECTING?

ACCOUNTABILITY?

FROM SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T TAKE ANY?
AND HIDES FROM FACTS HE DOESN'T WANT TO FACE?

BECAUSE IF HE WANTS TO DO SOMETHING....
HE DOES IT!!!!!

LIKE TRYING TO RECONNECT WITH ME!
RIGHT?

IF HE WANTED TO FACE THE FACTS, HE WOULD!
IF HE WANTED TO TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY, HE WOULD!
IF HE WANTED TO BE DECENT, HE WOULD.

BUT THE ISSUE WAS THAT I WAS POOR!
I DIDN'T HAVE "ENOUGH."
THEREFORE I WASN'T ENOUGH....
THOUGHT HE COULD GO DO BETTER.... 

SO I FKN LET HIM GO DO THAT!!!!!!!!

IF I WAS "TOXIC," WOULD I HAVE DONE THAT?
I WOULD HAVE "BEGGED" AND "CHASED"
OR WHATEVER TF HE WAS EXPECTING ME TO DO.

AND SINCE HE DIDN'T HEAR FROM ME....
THEN HE "BROKE HIS SILENCE"
WAS FKN SILENT TREATMENT.... TO HIM.

IT WAS A FKN DISCARD TO ME. 

AND LOOK WHAT HE DID, AGAIN?
FOR THE SAME REASON!

BECAUSE HE CAN'T CONTROL WHAT I RECALL. 
HE CAN'T CONTROL HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT
OR ABOUT HIM
OR HOW I LOOK AT HIM
OR HOW I DON'T TRUST HIM
OR HOW I REALLY DON'T WANT TO DO THAT SH*T AGAIN.

THAT'S WHY HE DID THAT.
BECAUSE HE HAD NO CONTROL OVER ME...
SO THE ONLY THING HE COULD CONTROL
WAS THE "SILENT TREATMENT"
AS A "TACTIC."

FKN GROSS AND IMMATURE IS WHAT THAT BS IS...

PRETENDING NOT TO KNOW IS FKN WEAPONIZED IGNORANCE.

"IF I DON'T REMEMBER.... I DON'T HAVE TO BE ACCOUNTABLE."
THAT'S HOW HE WANTED TO PLAY THAT.

LIKE THAT. WHAT FKN BS!
AVOIDANCE. SELFISH. GROSS.

JUST BECAUSE HE DIDN'T "WANT TO" DEAL WITH IT....
DIDN'T MEAN HE SHOULDN'T.

"HOW CAN I GET AWAY WITH XYZ?"
"OH! PRETEND NOT TO REMEMBER!"

HE BELIEVES HIS OWN FKN LIES.

"HE'LL DEFEND HIS BS TO THE END."

HIS BS IS GOING TO BE HARD FOR HIM TO FORGET.
EVEN 12 YEARS FROM NOW....

ME BEING DONE IS TRIGGERING.... TO HIM.
BECAUSE IT WAS REAL 
AND HE CAN'T GET IT BACK
BECAUSE HE "STONEWALLED ME."

WANTED HIS WAY. TOOK A RISK. 
LOST.

BY SETTING IT ON FIRE.....
PUSHED ME AWAY.... 

SO.... TRYING TO JUSTIFY IT.... 
MADE IT WORSE!
P*SSED ME OFF!

BUT WHEN PEOPLE PUSH ME AWAY
INTENTIONALLY.... 
I LET THEM STAY AWAY!!!!!!!!!

AND HE DOES....
BECAUSE I'M NOT "THE SAME."
WHY WOULD I?

HE THINKS I'M DONE TO "PUNISH HIM."
NO. I DON'T REFUSE BS TO PUNISH PEOPLE. 

I JUST REFUSE BS.

"TRYING TO FORGET THEY DID YOU LIKE THIS."
DIDN'T FORGET. 
CAN'T FORGET.
BECAUSE IT'S FKN EMBARRASSING. 
OR SHOULD BE.

BUT THE SHAME FEEDS THE DENIAL.
HIS EGO FEEDS HIS DENIAL. 

"THEY KNOW THEY MADE THE WRONG CHOICES
FOR THE WRONG REASONS."

"RAN AWAY BECAUSE HE FELT EMPTY."
"DISMISSED YOU BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO FACE REALITY."

DID HE TALK TO ME? OR AT ME? WITH HIS BS?

"THEY CAN'T SEE SOMETHING FOR WHAT IT IS."
"HE CAN'T SEE THE BIGGER PICTURE."

"IMPULSIVE AND POWER-HUNGRY."

THE DIFFERENCE IS MY SILENCE...
ISN'T "SILENT TREATMENT."
IT'S JUST.... SILENCE.

The truth is THE TRUTH....
No matter WHO tells it.....
No matter HOW ANYONE FEELS ABOUT IT.

AND EVEN WITH ALL THE BS.....
"A*** YOU ARE THE PROBLEM!"

NO. FKR. I AM THE SOLUTION.
THE SOLUTION: YOU DO NOT GET TO CONTROL ME.
ACCEPTED: HE WON'T GROW TF UP.
ACCEPTED: NOT WORTH MY TIME.

And if they want to TALK SH*T ABOUT ME...
FOR CALLING THEM OUT ON THEIR SH*T.....

THEY CAN GO AHEAD!!!!!!!!!!
DOES IT "BOTHER" ME?

MAYBE IT USED TO.....
BUT NOW? 

THEY DIDN'T LISTEN.
THEY DIDN'T CARE.
THEY LIED. 

I CALLED IT OUT....
THAT AND MORE....

AND BECAME "THE PROBLEM."

IS SOMEONE'S IMMATURITY MY PROBLEM?
OR THEIRS?

IS IT IMMATURE TO PLAY GAMES? 
LIKE "SILENT TREATMENT FOR 12 YEARS"
TRYING TO SWEEP SH*T UNDER THE RUG
LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED?
PRETENDING TO FORGET SH*T?
NOT TO TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY BECAUSE "I DON'T RECALL"
AND WHEN SOMEONE TELLS THE TRUTH...
INSULT *BLOCK* 

DOES THAT LOOK LIKE "MATURITY"?

IT SHOULDN'T BE....
WHO IS WRONG, WHO IS RIGHT.... 

BECAUSE IF THAT'S ALL IT IS....
THERE'S NOTHING ELSE.

BUT IF IT MADE HIM FEEL "BETTER"
TO INSULT ME AND *BLOCK* HIMSELF....
OKAY THEN! 

COULD HAVE JUST FKD RIGHT OFF
THE FIRST TIME.....

BUT NOPE!

"DOES A*** DOUBT HERSELF ENOUGH
TO BELIEVE SHE WAS THE PROBLEM?"
"LET'S TEST HER TO SEE!"

No. I wasn't "the problem"
FOR WANTING TO JUST BE TREATED BETTER!
FOR WANTING ACCOUNTABILITY!
FOR WANTING HONESTY!

FOR WANTING SOMETHING OTHER THAN BS... 

Here's something....
If you fall for a FANTASY....
IT CAN BECOME A NIGHTMARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When someone FEEDS YOU BS.....
AND YOU EAT IT UP.....
DON'T BE SURPRISED WHEN YOU CHOKE ON IT.

BECAUSE "HYPE" CAN BE FAKE.
AND THAT FAKE HYPE IS BAIT.

And that's fine with me...

I'd rather people NOT EAT UP BS... 
BUT... THEY CHOSE TO DO IT.

CAN I TELL THEM? IF THEY DON'T LISTEN?
WOULD IT MAKE A DIFFERENCE? NO?

BECAUSE..... THEY CAN BE CONVINCED!
OF BS!

So.... What am I supposed to do with that sh*t?
WHAT AM I EXPECTED TO DO WITH IT?

DO PEOPLE THINK I'M A "MIRACLE WORKER"?
TRANSFORMING SH*T INTO TRUTH?

No. PEOPLE NEED TO TRANSFORM
THEMSELVES, THEIR OWN LIVES.....

AND NOT EXPECT ME TO DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"WE HAVE DIFFERENCES.... SO I'LL GO BACK HERE...."
FOR A FAKE APOLOGY?

OR SOME SH*T?

OVER "DIFFERENCES"?

Sure, PLAY IT "SAFE."

BY GOING BACK TO SOMETHING ELSE.
OR SOMEONE.... OR WHATEVER.

SURE.... OKAY. 

BUT....

1) BE HONEST ABOUT THAT SH*T!
 
INSTEAD OF "A*** YOU'RE TOXIC."

DO I RESENT HIM? 
I'D HAVE DONE SOMETHING TO HIM....
IN THE LAST 12 YEARS.....

INSTEAD OF? LIVING MY LIFE?

AT FIRST, I WAS P*SSED.
BECAUSE.... IF YOU DON'T FKN WANT SOMEONE....
TELL THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DON'T INSULT THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DON'T PLAY GAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DON'T LIE TO THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TREAT THEM WITH RESPECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AT THE VERY LEAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BECAUSE THEY ARE A PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WITH FEELINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


But would I want someone....
WHO TREATED ME LIKE SH*T
JUST BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT ME?

COULD HAVE PARTED "AMICABLY," RIGHT?
RESPECTFULLY, RIGHT?

BUT APPARENTLY..... EVEN AFTER 12 YEARS.... 
HE WAS IN DENIAL....

THAT I HAD MOVED ON!!!!!!!!!!!

WTF WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO??????????????????
PINE? CRY? FK THAT.

ALL THE INSULTS AND BS JUST..... GROSS.

WOULD YOU WANT THAT SH*T?

COULD HAVE JUST.................
TOLD...... THE...... TRUTH.......
FROM....... THE...... START!!!!!!!!!!

JUST THAT.

I WOULD HAVE RESPECTED THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I WOULD HAVE RESPECT FOR HIM FOR THAT!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT WHAT IS THERE TO RESPECT OR TRUST?
ANYTHING?

WHAT IF...... I HAD..... LIED TO HIM......
ABOUT SOMETHING..... ANYTHING....
BUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT..... 

THEN..... IF I PLAYED GAMES.....
AND KEPT INSULTING HIM.....
AND DEVALUING HIM..... 

AND WHEN HE GOT P*SSED THAT I DID THAT.....

I TREATED HIM LIKE "YOU'RE THE PROBLEM....
NOT HOW I'M TREATING YOU...."

AND DISCARDED HIM......

THEN...... 12 YEARS LATER.......
IF I HAD TRIED TO ACT......
LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!!!
LIKE I "CAN'T REMEMBER"
LIKE REFUSING ANY ACCOUNTABILITY!
FOR LYING! AND BS!

AND PLAYED MORE GAMES......
UNTIL HE GOT P*SSED OFF AGAIN.....
AND CALLED ME OUT FOR IT.....

UNTIL I CALLED IT OUT.
AGAIN.

THEN? WHAT HAPPENED?
"A***, YOU'RE TOXIC....."
*BLOCK*

OK. THANK YOU FOR REMOVING YOURSELF
FROM MY LIFE, AGAIN. 

I DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT SH*T.
NEVER FKN HAD TO.... 
NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN EXPECTED TO!

SHOULD I EXPECT PEOPLE TO DEAL WITH ME?
ACTING LIKE THAT?

AND WHEN THEY REALIZE THAT I NEVER LIED TO THEM....
BECAUSE I NEVER FKN NEEDED TO....
HAD NO REASON TO.... 

RIGHT?

BUT I HAD A REASON TO BE P*SSED? YEAH?

AND EVEN WHEN I'M P*SSED.....
AM I DOING ANYTHING TO HIM?

BUT..... TRADED ME.... FOR A "FANTASY."
WAS I SUPPOSED TO BEG THEM NOT TO?

OR WAS I SUPPOSED TO LET HIM?

LET HIM THINK WHAT HE WANTED TO!
LET HIM MAKE HIS CHOICES!
LET HIM FAFO!
LET HIM EAT UP FAKE HYPE!
LET HIM CHOKE ON BS!

I CAN LET PEOPLE DO ALL OF THAT AND MORE...
AND JUST.... WATCH..... WHAT HAPPENS.... LOL.

ALSO..... PEOPLE WHO WOULD LIE TO YOU.....
WILL ALSO..... GO AS FAR.....
AS TO..... GET OTHERS.....
TO LIE TO YOU..... TOO!

FAKE.HYPE.

But..... IS....ALL THAT GLITTERS.....
GOLD?

FAKE SH*T CAN LOOK REAL FLASHY.

REAL LOOKS LIKE.... NOT TRYING TO IMPRESS ANYONE!

"P*SSED THAT HE DOESN'T HAVE ACCESS TO YOU."
DOES HE DESERVE TO HAVE ANY?

WHAT DID HE DO WHEN HE HAD IT?
ABUSED IT?

YEAH.... FK THAT.

"THEY WERE FOOLS TO LET YOU GET AWAY."
PUSHED....ME....AWAY....HORRIBLY....
DISRESPECTFULLY.....
DISTASTEFULLY....
DISHONESTLY.... 

WHY SHOULD IT BE "EASY" TO COME BACK FROM THAT?
IF THEY WERE FOOLISH ENOUGH TO FALL FOR BS...
AND PUSH ME AWAY.... 
THE WAY THEY DID....
FOR THE REASONS THEY DID....

WHY SHOULD I BE:
"WELCOME BACK! I LOVE YOU!"

"DEEP SITUATIONS DON'T RESOLVE IN A MOMENT."

If he treated me like sh*t FOR NO FKN REASON....
HE'D DO THAT SH*T TO OTHERS. 

HOW HE ACTED, AGAIN, TOLD ME...
HE HASN'T CHANGED. 

WAS I RIGHT TO BE ANGRY? YEAH?
SO THEN TO TREAT MY "ANGER" AS THE PROBLEM....
NOT WHAT I WAS ANGRY ABOUT? HMMM. 

Anyway.... All this sh*t.... Facts about my PAST. 

THIS SH*T WAS SUPPOSED TO JUST BE.... DONE.
I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ALLOWED TO MOVE ON.
WITH MY LIFE.
WITHOUT HIS BS.

BECAUSE I HAD A RIGHT TO DO THAT....
AND I STILL DO!

IT TAUGHT ME TO EVALUATE.
SURE... WOULD HAVE APPRECIATED....
LEARNING IT..... ANOTHER WAY....
BUT... 

THIS IS HOW I HAD TO LEARN THAT!!!!!!!!!! OKAY?

"THE CLOSING OF THE CHAPTER...
OPENS SPACE IN YOUR LIFE....
THAT'S BEEN OCCUPIED BY IT."

I THOUGHT THAT CHAPTER WAS CLOSED 12 YEARS AGO!!!!!

I wrote about it back then; I'm sure... 
Back in 2014.... 
Before I met my ex..... 

"PEOPLE WHO BENEFIT FROM CONFUSING PEOPLE....
DON'T LIKE PEOPLE WHO CAN SEE CLEARLY."
BECAUSE PEOPLE WHO SEE CLEARLY CAN EXIT BS.

I CLEARLY SAW HE DID NOT GAF.
BECAUSE.... HE ACTED..... LIKE HE DID NOT GAF.
AND ACTED LIKE THAT AGAIN....
AFTER I DIDN'T GRANT HIM IMMEDIATE ACCESS
LIKE HE THOUGHT I WOULD.

BECAUSE.... I'M NOT... WHO.... HE THOUGHT I WAS.
IF I WAS.... I WOULD HAVE.
LIKE HE EXPECTED ME TO.

BUT.... I'M... NOT.
AND.... DIDN'T.

TRYING TO "CONFUSE" ME....
ABOUT DETAILS I SAW CLEARLY... 
WAS TO "TRAP" ME IN A MAZE.
OF CONFUSION TO TRY TO MANIPULATE ME.

BUT..... WHEN I CALLED IT....
WHAT HAPPENED? HE GOT SCARED.

NOT BECAUSE HE COULDN'T TALK TO ME.
HE KNEW THERE WAS NO POINT....
TRYING TO PLAY THE SAME BS GAMES WITH ME...
THAT HE ALREADY PLAYED.

GAMES ONLY WORK WHEN SOMEONE CAN'T SEE
THAT GAMES ARE BEING PLAYED. 

NOT WHEN SOMEONE SEES IT.

THAT'S WHAT'S SCARY.
THAT I SEE IT.
FOR EXACTLY WHAT IT IS.... OR WAS....
BECAUSE.... I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO.

I'll tell you something that I should probably keep to myself:
MY ENERGY ISN'T PASSIVE. 
IT MOVES. IT FLOWS.
IN ME, FROM ME, THROUGH ME.... 

IT'S NOT MERELY.... CONTAINED.

THINGS ABOUT ME CAN CHANGE....
DRASTICALLY....
DEPENDING ON THE SITUATION.
ESPECIALLY WHEN I'M PROTECTING MYSELF.

SUDDENLY.... "PREDICTABLE A***"
WHO THEY THINK WILL TOLERATE EVERYTHING....
TOLERATES VERY FKN LITTLE.

AND BECOMES.... "UNPREDICTABLE A***."
THAT SCARES PEOPLE ABOUT ME. 

BECAUSE I'M NO LONGER "OPERATING"
THE WAY THEY THOUGHT I WOULD.

I'M OPERATING THE WAY I HAVE TO.
BIG DIFFERENCE.

SOMETIMES.... I ADAPT INTENTIONALLY....
SOMETIMES.... I'M JUST.... ADAPTING. 

"OH SH*T! THERE'S ANOTHER SIDE TO A***!"
YEAH. 

ONE I DON'T SHOW OFTEN....
UNLESS..... I HAVE TO.

SO THEY SEE ONE SIDE....
MY PRIMARY SIDE....
AND THINK THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO ME... 

WRONG.

People often try to AVOID THE DISCOMFORT
THAT I REPRESENT TO THEM.... 
ABOUT THEMSELVES. 

I WAKE PEOPLE UP.
IT P*SSES THEM OFF.
THEY'D RATHER STAY ASLEEP. 

BUT... I COULDN'T DO THAT....
OR DO IT INTENTIONALLY...

UNTIL.... I WOKE UP TOO. 

BECAUSE.... IF I WAS STILL ASLEEP....
I COULD STILL WAKE PEOPLE UP
UNINTENTIONALLY...
(SNORING)
OR SOMETHING... 
RIGHT?

THEY MIGHT HAVE HEARD ME....
IN MY SLEEP.... RIGHT?

AND THAT MIGHT HAVE WOKEN THEM UP?

BUT... IF I WAS AWAKE.... I COULD
AT LEAST ATTEMPT TO WAKE THEM UP.

IF THEY ARE IN A COMA.....
FAT CHANCE.

RIGHT?

BUT.... SOME PEOPLE.... GET P*SSED OFF.
AND BLAME ME FOR WAKING THEM UP....
EVEN THOUGH....

THEY SHOULD HAVE.... ON THEIR OWN!
COULD HAVE. BY NOW.

BUT... IT IS MORE COMFORTABLE....
TO STAY IN BED.... RIGHT?

IN BED WITH WHO, THOUGH?
IN BED WITH WHAT, THOUGH?

NOT ALL BEDS ARE EQUAL....
BED OR ROSES VS BED OF NAILS.....

IF SOMEONE IS IN SUCH A DEEP SLEEP....
DO THEY KNOW WHAT KIND OF BED THEY ARE IN?
WOULD IT EVEN MATTER?

OR WOULD THE "DREAM" MATTER?

SOME DREAMS SEEM REAL, RIGHT?
VERY VIVID!

I've known people who sleep but don't dream.
It's just blank, nothing. 

PEOPLE RESENT TF OUT OF ME
BECAUSE I SHOW THEM ABOUT THEMSELVES.
AND ONCE THEY SEE SOMETHING....
THEY CAN'T UNSEE IT.

TRIGGERING... 

I CAN SHOW THEM PARTS OF THEMSELVES
THEY'VE AVOIDED FOR 20+ YEARS...

AND SOMETIMES.... I'M NOT TRYING TO DO IT!

BUT THEY RESENT THE EVER-LIVING FK OUT OF ME
FOR DOING IT.

I'M "INTIMIDATING"
BECAUSE IF I SEE XYZ....
WHAT DO I SEE IN THEM????

THAT'S WHY. NOT BECAUSE I'M "TOXIC."
HE GAVE HIMSELF AN "EXCUSE" TO DIP.
THAT'S FINE.

BUT IF I CALL YOU OUT ON SOMETHING....
I FKN HAD TO DO IT....
OR YOU'D BE ON THE SAME SH*T....

AND THAT IS YOUR CHOICE....
TO KNOW I SEE IT....
AND OTHERS MIGHT, TOO....
AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT....

OR CONTINUE.... YOUR SH*T.

YOUR.... CHOICE.

NOT MINE.

PEOPLE THINK I "READ" THEM.
I DON'T ACTIVELY TRY TO.... 
I PROBABLY COULD LEARN TO DO IT...
IF I REALLY WANTED TO.... 

ALL I KNOW IS THAT THEIR ENERGY.....
DOESN'T FKN LIE.

AND I GET MY INFO FROM THAT.

THEY CAN TRY TO HIDE WHAT THEY WANT TO....
BUT... THEIR ENERGY....
DOES NOT LIE.

NOT ONE BIT. NOT AT ALL.
EVEN IF THEY CAN'T SAY AN HONEST WORD.

THEIR ENERGY SPEAKS FOR THEM.
TELLS ME WHATEVER IT SAYS....

I FEEL IT. ALWAYS. 
I KNOW WHAT MY ENERGY IS 
AND WHAT IS THEIRS.

I MIGHT NOT HAVE EXACT INTERPRETATIONS... 
BUT... CLOSE ENOUGH.

CLOSE ENOUGH TO SCARE TF OUT OF PEOPLE...
AND "MAKE" THEM RESENT ME FOR JUST THAT.

I MIGHT NOT KNOW WHY SOMETHING FEELS A TYPE OF WAY....
BUT I KNOW THERE IS A REASON I FELT IT.

SO WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO PLAY GAMES...
AND I'M AWARE.... I ADAPT... 
AND....  I REVEAL.

THE REVEAL SCARES THEM.

BECAUSE I WAS EXPECTED TO DO CERTAIN THINGS.
I KNOW PEOPLE ARE EXPECTING SOMETHING.
I MAY NOT KNOW.... WHAT....
BUT I KNOW THAT.

AND IF THEY ARE EXPECTING SOMETHING...
THEY HAVE A REASON TO EXPECT THAT.

It's not that I "woke up" one day to "scare people."
ALL OF THIS CAME FROM BS I ENDURED.

DID I WANT TO ENDURE THAT SH*T? NO.

"I CAN'T PREDICT A***?"
"I CAN'T MANIPULATE A***?"

FK NO. MAYBE DECADES AGO....
BUT NOT NOW.

IT'S TERRIFYING TO PEOPLE WHO SLEEPWALK.

Let me ask you something....
WHY DO YOU THINK I ASK SPECIFIC QUESTIONS
ON HERE?

IS IT BECAUSE YOU COULD ASK YOURSELF?
IS IT BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER?
OR IS IT BECAUSE YOU DO?
JUST HAVEN'T ASKED YOURSELF YET?
OR BEEN ASKED?
OR THOUGHT TO ASK?

ARE THEY QUESTIONS I ALWAYS THOUGHT ABOUT? NO?
It's not just.... THE QUESTIONS.... OR THE ANSWERS....
IT MATTERS WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT MATTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT'S WHY. YOU KNOW WHY. YOU DO.
EVEN IF IT HASN'T EXACTLY "HIT" YOU YET.
IT WILL.

BUT IT DEPENDS..... WHAT YOU DO WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT MATTERS TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT'S WHAT THE QUESTIONS ARE FOR.
NOT TO MERELY PONDER.
OR CONSIDER...

SOMETHING TO DO SOMETHING WITH.

Insecurities

There were times I was extremely insecure. 

Remember that post I wrote about the time I was jealous
of that girl at school?

I realized... SOME PEOPLE WANTED ME TO FEEL INSECURE.
WANTED ME TO DOUBT MYSELF. 

THAT'S WHY THEY PROJECTED THEIR CRAP ON ME.

BECAUSE THEY KNEW....
THAT IF I WAS INSECURE....
I WOULDN'T..... GET VERY FAR.

OR SO THEY THOUGHT.
SO I THOUGHT, TOO, ACTUALLY.

DID I THINK I'D GET THIS FAR? NO.

I tried to k*ll myself 6 times!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I FELT LIKE SH*T FOR SO FKN LONG....
BECAUSE MY LIFE WAS FKD UP!

WHO WAS TAKING ME SERIOUSLY? ANYONE?
BUT WAS I TAKING MYSELF SERIOUSLY?

But.... Where am I at now? BUILDING PHASE.
RESTRUCTURING. 
PIVOTING.

TRYING TO BALANCE SOME THINGS OUT....
THAT HASN'T BEEN BALANCED....
FOR A VERY LONG TIME... 

HOW CAN ANYONE FEEL "COMFORTABLE"
IN.... INBALANCE? 

IT FEELS "OFF," RIGHT?

The word: EQUILIBRIUM. 

SOMEONE SAID THAT WORD; I HEARD IT TODAY. 
I'll have to find that video... 
To give the context... 

The context was important....
But my head and neck hurt pretty bad tonight... 
So it's hard to "recall" the context... 
Hard to think.... Straight. It hurts.
Got no marijuana right now, either. Sucks.

If I can recall... It was something about regaining....
Equilibrium... And why that's important. 

Emotionally, I've been fkd up...

NOT JUST BECAUSE OF THE DAMAGE.... 
OVER THE DECADE+.....

It kind of goes deeper than that...
It's hard to explain....

And not sure if I want to go that deep...
Not tonight... 

THE ONLY REASON HE WANTED TO RECONNECT
WAS TO HAVE CONTROL OVER THE DYNAMIC.

IT WASN'T TO TREAT ME THE WAY
I NEEDED TO BE TREATED.

HE WANTED ME TO THINK THINGS WERE GOING TO BE BETTER, 
BUT HE JUST WANTS A PASS TO DO IT AGAIN. 

"THEY KNOW IT'S WRONG, BUT THEY BATTLE THEMSELVES."
"THEY TELL THEIR MIND NOT TO TELL THEM WHAT TO DO."

IT'S ONLY TO PROVE THAT HE COULD GET ME BACK.
NOT BECAUSE HE WAS READY TO STOP THAT SH*T.

"THEY WANT EVERYTHING THEIR WAY."
IT'D BE ONE-SIDED. JUST LIKE BEFORE.

"THEY AVOID THEIR OWN CONSCIOUS."
"THEY WERE TOO BUSY FIGHTING OFF THEIR OWN CONSCIOUS...
OUT OF GREEDILY WANTING WHAT THEY WANTED."

"THEY'D RATHER GIVE YOU THE BARE MIN TO CONVINCE THEMSELVES...
THAT WHAT THEY DO WON'T HURT."

"IF I SH*T ON A***, IT WON'T HURT IF SHE LEAVES."
AS FKD UP AS THAT IS.... EH?

I DIDN'T GET THE BARE MIN. I GOT SHAT ON.
MANY TIMES!!!!!!! OKAY?

NOT "OKAY." I'M NOT COOL WITH IT. 
NOT THE FIRST TIME OR THE 100TH TIME.

Anyway.... This post was about insecurities... 
I've dealt with most of them, I think... 

Yes, I have other ones to deal with... But...

It did take time to get this far....