Just Drives Me Crazy

Having to explain myself to people who want to MISINTERPRET me...
That drives me nuts. 

I could do without that. So could they. Right?

Especially.... When it is intentional. 
Because.... They don't have to do that crap. 

Anyway... Assumptions are another thing that drives me nuts.

Like assuming that just because I'm single...
"Must mean" something that it doesn't actually mean. 

Why "interpret" my "singlehood"?

Just really weird to do that. Right?

NEVER in my life.... Have I.... EVER
looked at someone BEING SINGLE
AS MEANING.... SOMETHING.

ALL IT MEANT TO ME
WAS: THEY ARE SINGLE.

That is all. DOES IT HAVE TO MEAN ANYTHING? NO?

THEN WHY WOULD I "MAKE" IT MEAN ANYTHING?

DO I HAVE TO "MAKE" IT MEAN ANYTHING?
NO? 

THEN? SHOULD I? IF I DON'T FKN HAVE TO?
AND NEVER NEEDED TO?
NO?

SO THEN? THEY NEVER NEEDED TO EITHER? HMMM!

I watched a video today.... About a cop fking up an FBI investigation...

THE COP APPROACHED WHO HE THOUGHT
WAS A HOMELESS PERSON IN A PARK.

DUDE HE APPROACHED WAS AN FBI AGENT
UNDERCOVER.

HE MADE ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT HIM....
THE THINGS HE WAS SAYING WERE FKN WILD
FROM A COP!

BUT COPS ACT LIKE THAT ALL THE FKN TIME!
POWER TRIPPING MOFOS.

Anyway, I love WHEN COPS GET SCHOOLED.
HARD.

OLD SCHOOL SCHOOLED.

Speaking of SCHOOLED... 

I saw another video today....
Where a white guy was being a fkn RACIST 
to a black guy....

AND THE BLACK GUY SCHOOLED TF OUT OF HIM. 

The white guy was trying to intimidate the black guy.
THE LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN IT WASN'T WORKING!

THE WHITE GUY WAS HIDING IN HIS CAR
AND WOULDN'T GET OUT OF THE CAR
TO STEP TO THE GUY HE INSULTED.

Freaking wild that PEOPLE THINK LIKE THAT FKTARD, STILL.
LIKE WTF IS THIS SH*T?
THE 60s?
THE 50s?

WTF IS THAT SH*T?

CAN'T PEOPLE BE PEOPLE?

I happen to have some friends who are black. 

AND TO ME.... I NEVER THOUGHT:
YOU'RE BLACK.

I know that they are, yes. Because they actually are...
BUT I NEVER THOUGHT:
YOU'RE BLACK. 

BECAUSE THAT SH*T DOESN'T MATTER.
THEY ARE PEOPLE, TO ME.
THEY ARE MY FRIENDS.

THAT'S WHAT I SEE.
I SEE THEM. WHO THEY ARE.
NOT HOW THEY "LOOK."

WHY SHOULD I CARE IF ANYONE IS BLACK?
DO MY BLACK FRIENDS CARE THAT I'M WHITE?

I'M NOT JUST WHITE, I'M PALE AF.

BUT THEY NEVER LOOKED AT ME LIKE:
YOU'RE WHITE.

THEY LOOKED AT ME AS ME.

DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?
I HOPE SO.

The fact that racism is STILL A FKN THING....
IS.... FKN..... ASSININE. 

I SAID IT. 

NO FKN RACE IS SUPERIOR.
NOT EVEN THE FKN HUMAN RACE.

I SAID IT. I SAID WHAT I SAID.

NONE OF US.....
ARE FKN SUPERIOR. PERIOD.

SUPERIORITY IS BS. OKAY? IT IS.
JUST..... BS.

IF ANYONE THINKS THEY ARE SUPERIOR
OR THAT ANYTHING MAKES THEM SUPERIOR...

THEY ARE FKN INFERIOR.
BECAUSE....

IT'S BS.

Egoism.... Is that type of "superiority"
I was talking about.

Do I think I'm superior because I can write? Fk no!
Am I happy that I can? Yeah....

BUT BEING ABLE TO DO ANYTHING
DOES NOT MAKE ME BETTER THAN ANYONE
WHO CAN'T.

ALL THAT IT MEANS IS THAT I CAN XYZ.
THAT'S IT!

I was watching something that was pretty interesting earlier. 

A lady was saying that...

When some people are "uncool"
THEY THINK THEY NEED TO BE ACCEPTED
BY A GROUP TO "APPEAR" COOL.
BUT TO BE ACCEPTED BY THE GROUP....
THEY FK OVER PEOPLE
TO "SEEM" COOL
TO THE GROUP.

IT'S A WEIRD THING, INDEED.

She was saying.... "To appear cool to you....
They think they need a group.
But to be accepted by them, 
they sacrifice their connection to you
to be accepted in the group."

"Even though the reason they want to be accepted
by the group.... Is to appear cool.... To you."

Fkn weird sh*t, but some people actually do this.
AND ACTUALLY THINK LIKE THIS.

1) DO I GAF ABOUT ANYONE BEING COOL?

OR AM I MOSTLY CHILL WITH PEOPLE AS THEY ARE?
AS LONG AS THEY AREN'T FKTARDS?

DOES SOMEONE HAVE TO BE "COOL"
NOT TO BE A FKTARD? NO?

JUST... DON'T BE A FKTARD.

WANTING ACCEPTANCE.... FROM A GROUP...
TO APPEAR COOL....

IS ABOUT "INSECURITIES."

"THEY THOUGHT THEIR ENVIRONMENT
WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH.
SO THEY WANTED A NEW ONE."

MAKES SENSE... THE THINGS THEY SAY.

"THEY DON'T FEEL GOOD ENOUGH."

"THEY THOUGHT THEY NEEDED A SOCIAL ENVIRONMENT
TO GIVE THEMSELVES CONFIDENCE."

"EVEN ATTACKING YOU
TO GET SYMPATHY FROM THE GROUP."

Like if they had an EX who said: YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS.
OR: YOUR SOCIAL LIFE IS PATHETIC.
OR SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES....

INSTEAD OF REALIZING..... I DIDN'T AND DON'T GAF
ABOUT ANY OF THAT. WHY WOULD I?

"Instead of trying to chase recognition... And working on themselves...

TO RELEASE THE "NEED" FOR RECOGNITION
FROM A GROUP OR FROM ANYONE.... 

I mean... I never felt I NEEDED recognition.
I don't really like being in groups.

GROUPS JUDGE MOST OF THE TIME.
THEY EITHER ACCEPT YOU OR THEY DON'T.
AND WHY TRY TO BE OR HAVE OR DO XYZ
TO TRY TO BE "ACCEPTED"?

WHY NOT.... JUST..... BE... YOURSELF, SINCERELY?

THE RIGHT PEOPLE SEE THAT.

"THEY DIDN'T WANT TO BE REJECTED BY YOU....
SO THEY THOUGHT THEY NEEDED SOMETHING.
SO THEY THOUGHT THAT IF YOU REJECTED THEM....
THEY'D STILL HAVE THE GROUP."

BUT.... WHO SAID I WAS GOING TO REJECT THEM?

HADN'T I ALREADY ACCEPTED THEM?
A LONG FKN TIME AGO?

But some people can be so fkn INSECURE....
THAT THEY THINK I MIGHT!

BUT.... MOSTLY.... WHEN I DO....
IT'S FOR DOING THAT SH*T TO ME.

THAT THEY NEVER HAD TO.

BECAUSE: IF THEY NEVER HAD TO....
AND WENT AHEAD AND DID IT....

THAT.... WAS A CHOICE.

So let's talk about security in the sense of feeling "secure."

Because "secure," especially emotionally.... 
MEANS THERE IS NO "NEED" TO DO THINGS
THAT COST THE THINGS THAT THEY DON'T WANT TO LOSE. 

EXAMPLE:

Dudes who will be so scared of losing a girl
that they GET A BACKUP.
FOR: IN CASE THEY DO.

AND THEY LOSE THE GIRL....
BECAUSE: THEY HAD A BACKUP
WHO THEY TREATED BETTER THAN THE GIRL
THEY WERE SO SCARED OF LOSING
BUT COULD HAVE....
JUST...
LOVED HER....
IN THE RIGHT WAY....
FOR THE RIGHT REASON....

AND IF SHE WAS ALREADY THERE....
DOES THAT MEAN SHE WAS
PLANNING TO GO SOMEWHERE?

BUT... INSECURITY..... IS THINKING:
I HAVE TO HAVE A "BACKUP" IN CASE OF XYZ.

SECURITY IS THINKING:
SHE'S HERE BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO BE WITH ME.

AND I DON'T HAVE TO BE A FKTARD THINKING
THAT I HAVE TO DO A BUNCH OF SH*T
FOR THE WRONG REASONS.

BECAUSE IT'S EITHER THE FKD UP SH*T....
OR THE WRONG REASONS....

OR BOTH....

THAT CAUSES THEM TO LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO THEN? WHY ARE THOSE NEEDED?
THEY AREN'T!

After my tea, I'm going to bed.
I have to be up early tomorrow.

GOT SOME STUFF TO DO.

And I'm feeling very sleepy. 

I have to remember to put the food I made away, too. 

Before I go to bed. 
So I can eat more of it tomorrow. 

I have a habit of cooking more than 1 meal, which is okay.
Makes things easier tomorrow. 
I will be tired tomorrow.

Especially waking up early. 

THE BACKUP IS THE FEAR OF BEING ALONE!
THE FEAR OF REJECTION.

Something about those fears....
THEY COME FROM WOUNDS.

AND IF PEOPLE "DEAL" WITH THOSE WOUNDS....
THOSE THINGS....
ARE NO LONGER....
FEARS.

I DIDN'T LIKE BEING SINGLE.... YEARS AGO....
IN MY 20s,

I was kind of... Like... "I'd be SECURE in a relationship."

RELATIONSHIPS DON'T "PROVIDE" THAT KIND OF
"SECURITY."

IF TWO INSECURE PEOPLE GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP....
THEY ARE GOING TO TRY
TO RELY ON EACH OTHER
OR OTHER THINGS
LIKE BACKUPS
TO FEEL "SECURE."

BUT IT DOESN'T WORK.....

BECAUSE "SECURITY" IS MORE ABOUT....
BEING ABLE TO TRUST YOURSELF
TO OVERCOME THINGS... 

NO MATTER WTF THEY ARE.

NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS TO OVERCOME.

"SELF-TRUST"

DID I ALWAYS TRUST MYSELF? NO?
HOW COULD I WHEN I WAS BUSY SABOTAGING MYSELF?
CONSTANTLY?

THE REASONS I WAS DOING SOME THINGS
WERE FKN STUPID. 

OKAY? 
THEY WERE. 
HONESTLY STUPID. 

I HAD TO LOOK AT IT AND THINK ABOUT WHY.
"WHY TF ARE YOU DOING XYZ, A***?"
AND REALLY THINK ABOUT.... WHY.

REALLY THINK.... ABOUT.... WHY.

WHY DID I WANT TO DATE?
WHY DID I THINK S*X WAS "IMPORTANT"?
WHY DID I THINK ABOUT IT AT ALL? HORMONES?

WHY DID I WANT TO DATE THE PEOPLE I DATED?

WHY WASN'T I CONTENT ON MY OWN?

WHY DID I THINK ABOUT THE THINGS I THOUGHT ABOUT?
WHY DID I THINK THE WAY I THOUGHT?

WHY WASN'T I THINKING ABOUT MY THINKING?

STUFF LIKE THIS...

Anyway, I did finish my tea.....
And I do have to go to bed early. 

So good night!

Who Knows?

It's been weird trying to meet new people. 

1) Some people are cool and normal. 
2) Some people.... Idfk wtf is wrong with them.

The people who are normal... Are CHILL & GREAT!
LIKE BREATHS OF FRESH AIR!

WHILE I DFK WHY.... SOME PEOPLE
KEEP BRINGING UP INTIMACY.

LIKE: YOU BARELY KNOW ME.... IF AT ALL....
WHY BRING THAT SH*T UP?

DO DUDES NOT REALIZE WHAT THAT STUFF....
IS A TURN-OFF IF THEY KEEP AT IT?

1) JUST BECAUSE I AM A FEMALE....
DOES NOT MEAN I "GOTTA GET LAID."

2) MAYBE I DON'T FKN WANT TO?

3) TELLING ME I SHOULD DOESN'T MEAN I WANT IT

4) I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO WANT IT

5) WHETHER I EVEN WANT IT IS UP TO ME.

SERIOUSLY, THOUGH!

Talking to some dudes... 
They PRETEND TO BE JOKING.
BUT THEY AREN'T!

IT'S FKN WEIRD! AF! STOP THAT SH*T!

The group I'm in is for meeting people and SOCIALIZING.
NOT DATING.

THAT'S WHAT FKN DATING SITES ARE FOR!

AND IF I WANTED TO DATE...
I'D BE ON ONE OF THOSE!

THE LAST GUY I EVEN DATED....
HEAD PUNCHER... 
(NICKNAME).

I WASN'T ON A DATING SITE.
I MET HIM ON A CHAT SITE. 

I'D JUST QUIT DRINKING FFS...
TOTALLY NOT LOOKING FOR ANYTHING...

MET HIM.
GAVE HIM A CHANCE.

IF I HADN'T? 
BECAUSE: I DIDN'T FKN HAVE TO! 
DID I? NO!

WHAT WOULD MY LIFE LOOK LIKE....?
IF I HAD KEPT GOING MY OWN WAY?

AND NOT DATED?

AFTER 12 YEAR DISCARD?
(ANOTHER NICKNAME)

If I was just like... OKAY. FK IT. ALL OF IT.
RIGHT AFTER THAT.
JUST FOCUSED ON MY STUFF?

EVEN.... NEVER.... CONTACTED MIRROR SMASHER?
AND JUST.... BEEN... IN MY.... BUBBLE?

WITHOUT ANY OF THAT?

WHY DO I HAVE THAT THING:
"WHAT COULD HAPPEN IF I.... DID XYZ?"

SHOULD HAVE TAKEN A LOT TO MY GRAVE!
HOW I EVER FELT ABOUT FKN ANYONE!

BECAUSE THEY SHOWED ME?
THEY DID NOT FEEL THE SAME FOR ME.
WHICH IS FINE....

BUT.... 
THAT MEANS....
I SHOULD HAVE..... KEPT IT....
TO MYSELF!

BECAUSE TELLING SOMEONE....
HOW I FELT.... REALLY.... ACTUALLY..... FELT....
DID WHAT?

ANYTHING? NO?

WAS IT: "HEY! I FEEL THE SAME WAY!
LET'S DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!"?

NO. IT WASN'T. 

WHICH..... LIKE I SAID.... IS OKAY!

I DON'T HAVE TO FEEL THE SAME WAY, EITHER!

LIKE HOW I FEEL ABOUT INTIMACY.
I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO WANT THAT AT ALL!
RIGHT?

IF I WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP, A SOLID ONE....
MAYBE I WOULD!

BUT.... DO I? NO.

SHOULD I BE ALLOWED NOT TO WANT THAT?
BECAUSE: I THINK I SHOULD BE ALLOWED NOT TO WANT THAT.

JUST THAT.

LIKE PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED NOT TO BE INTERESTED IN ME.
WHY WOULD ANYONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW ME
BE INTERESTED IN ME?

NOT SAYING THAT THEY WOULD BE
JUST BECAUSE THEY KNEW ME...

NOTHING LIKE THAT...

BUT IF THEY DIDN'T KNOW ME....
IT'S SAFE TO SAY THEY WOULDN'T BE.

RIGHT?

WHY WOULD I BE INTERESTED IN SOMEONE
I DON'T KNOW?

BUT.... HOW WELL DID I ACTUALLY KNOW....
SOME OF THE GUYS I DATED?

I THOUGHT I KNEW THEM... BUT.... DID I?

KINDA HAD THE RUG..... PULLED OUT....
FROM UNDERNEATH ME....
SO MANY TIMES....

THAT.... I DON'T WANT.....
TO BE.... STANDING....
ON.... THE RUG.

FK THE RUG.
FK THE HALLWAY THE RUG IS IN.
FK THE FLOOR THE RUG IS ON.
FK EVERYTHING THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE
PERPETUALLY SWEPT UNDER IT.

AS THOUGH IT NEVER HAPPENED.
IF I FORGOT THAT IT DID.....
IT'D BE LIKE IT NEVER DID, RIGHT?

THAT'S WHY.... I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE FORGOTTEN.
THAT IT FKN DID!

SO THAT I WOULD REGRANT ACCESS
TO PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T APPRECIATE IT.

NEVER APPRECIATED ME. 

FINE. COOL. DIDN'T "WANT" ME....
BECAUSE I WAS XYZ
OR I WASN'T XYZ....

OR WHATEVER... 

OR NOT ATTRACTED TO ME....
OR WHATEVER FKN REASON.... 

ALLOWED TO!
ALLOWED TO NOT WANT TO BE WITH ME.
ALLOWED TO NOT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME.

LIKE..... SOMEONE ASKED ME IF I'D PUT OUT.
LITERALLY ASKED ME THIS....

BECAUSE HE INVITED ME SOMEWHERE.
TO ME: NOT A DATE.
TO HIM: A DATE.

SO HE WANTED TO KNOW IF I'D PUT OUT. 

DA FUQ?????

YOU LITERALLY INVITED ME OUT.....
THINKING IT IS A DATE.....

AFTER I TOLD YOU THAT I DON'T FKN DATE ANYMORE.
AND A BUNCH OF TIMES THAT I DON'T WANT ANYTHING
"ROMANTIC"

AND HE GOES.... "YOU GOTTA GET LAID."

EXCUSE ME? NO. I DON'T. 

I TOLD HIM I HAVE ENDOMETRIOSIS.
HE SAID GRRR.

WHAT? WHY GRRR?

SO I ASKED HIM! WHY GRRR?
HE SAID "NOTHING."

NO.... IT WAS SOMETHING,
SO JUST BE HONEST ABOUT IT. 

WAS TRYING TO "BREAK ME OUT OF MY REALM."
WAS WHAT HE SAID.

NO. HE WAS HOPING I'D SAY..... WANNA FK?
AND I WASN'T BITING THE BAIT. 

THAT'S WHY.

HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY REALM. 

WHAT IF I AM CONTENT IN MY REALM? HMMM?
WHAT IF I DON'T NEED TO BE "BROKEN OUT OF IT"?

LIKE: "BREAK HER OF THE HABIT OF NOT WANTING IT."
IT'S MY FKN CHOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TO WANT IT OR NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF I DON'T WANT IT.... TELLING ME:
"YOU GOTTA GET LAID"
DOES WHAT?????? ANYTHING?
TO "CONVINCE ME" THAT I "GOTTA GET LAID"?????

A LOT OF DUDES DON'T FKN GET WHAT IT IS LIKE
TO BE A FEMALE WITH THIRSTY FKTARDS
ACTING LIKE THAT.

CONSTANTLY. 

IT'S ENOUGH TO TURN A CHICK OFF......
FOR CENTURIES..... OKAY?

IT'S NOT CUTE OR HELPFUL
OR ROMANTIC
OR INTRIGUING
OR S*XY....

IT'S FKN DISTURBING.

THAT THEY DON'T "UNDERSTAND"
HOW SOME CHICKS.... CHOOSE...
AND SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO CHOOSE....
NOT TO FKN WANT THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF I DID.... HE WOULDN'T HAVE TO TRY TO.....
"BREAK ME OUT OF MY REALM"

THAT REALLY FKN ANNOYED ME.

TODAY.

AND THAT IS WHAT I GET FOR FKN TRYING 
TO JUST FKN MEET NEW PEOPLE FFS. 

"YOU GOTTA GET LAID."

ACTUALLY, I CAN THINK OF LOTS OF OTHER THINGS
I "GOTTA" DO.

OKAY? A LOT. 

LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT FOR A BIT... 

I GET THAT SOME PEOPLE ARE "HYPER ACTIVE"
WHEN IT COMES TO THAT STUFF.
SOME EVEN HAVE ADDICTIONS AROUND IT.

I KNOW SOMEONE WHO TOLD ME HE DID.
WAS AFRAID I'D JUDGE HIM ON THAT.

NO. 

I HAD MY OWN ADDICTIONS. NOT TO THAT, SURE....
BUT.... I WAS AN ALCOHOLIC... 

I TOLD HIM THAT FIRST.... HE IS A HUMAN BEING....
AND SECOND... A NEW FRIEND.

It's just that most people are so used to being JUDGED ON EVERYTHING!
EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM!

I USED TO JUDGE MORE THAN I DO NOW.

DO I STILL HAVE OPINIONS? YEAH. 
LIKE MOST PEOPLE DO.... 

BUT IT WAS A FKN HABIT. 
I WAS AROUND SOME JUDGMENTAL PEOPLE!
THEY ALWAYS HAD TO BE JUDGING FKN EVERYTHING
AND EVERYONE ALL THE FKN TIME!

I PICKED THAT SH*T UP FROM THEM. 
WITHOUT REALIZING I DID.

ANYWAY... IT'S EXHAUSTING....
WASTING ENERGY....
ON THINGS THAT DON'T EVEN FKN MATTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO TF WHAT?????????? 
BOB WANTS TO WEAR A PINK DRESS?????? WHO GIVES A FK???????

SHOULD I GAF THAT BOB FEELS FKN PRETTY?
IN A DRESS????????

FK NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARE THERE OTHER THINGS TO FKN CARE ABOUT???????
THAT ARE MORE IMPORTANT????????

THAN BOB WEARING A DRESS???????

OF BOB AND FRANK FKING? 
WHO FKING CARES IF THEY FK EACH OTHER?????? WHO?????
DO I??????? FK NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DOES BOB AND FRANK'S ESCAPADES
HAVE ANYTHING TO FKN DO WITH ME???????? AT ALL????? NO???????

THEN WHY TF DO I CARE?
WHY TF SHOULD I?

IT. HAS. NOTHING. TO. DO. WITH. ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHOULD I CARE IF BOB AND FRANK GET MARRIED??????
NO!!!!!!!!!!! BE HAPPY BOB AND FRANK! ENJOY YOUR GAY LIFE!!!!!

IT DOESN'T MEAN WE NEED A FKN PARADE ABOUT IT, THOUGH!
JUST..... NONE OF MY BUSINESS!

If 2 people LOVE EACH OTHER.....
WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ME?
ANYTHING?
OR..... NOTHING?

PRETTY SURE.... IT HAS NOTHING.....
TO DO..... WITH... ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO THEN...... WHY..... WOULD I.... GAF?????
ABOUT THAT???????

Sure... There are some things that don't have ANYTHING
TO DO WITH ME.....
THAT I DO GAF ABOUT.

Some of the stuff I can't get into on here.....
BECAUSE..... IT'S... LOADED AF.

TRYING TO KEEP THAT LOADED SH*T OFF HERE.
BUT... IT'S NOT OFF MY MIND.

NOT AT ALL.


But..... WHY do guys I TELL that I don't want to date.....
AT ALL.....

WHY DO THEY THINK IT IS A CHALLENGE?

LIKE: "A*** JUST NEEDS CONVINCING!"
"SHE'LL EVENTUALLY COME AROUND!"
NO TF I WILL NOT! 

NOT WANTING IT.....
MEANS..... NOT WANTING IT!

I SHOULD JUST BE ALLOWED TO.... NOT.... WANT.... THAT.
OR OTHER THINGS I DON'T WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!

LIKE TO BE "CONVINCED" WHEN I DON'T WANT TO BE.
AND DON'T NEED TO BE.....

OR FKN HOUNDED ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ASKING ME A BILLION FKN TIMES.....
AFTER I ALREADY SAID....
NO, I'M GOOD WITHOUT THAT SH*T... 

I wrote a post about any experience I had....
THIS YEAR.

My own fault.....
FOR THINKING A GUY WAS MORE MATURE.....
THAN HE ACTUALLY WAS!

BECAUSE: IF HE WAS.....
HE WOULD HAVE BACKED TF OFF ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE FIRST TIME.

AND REALIZED I NEVER FKN AGREED TO FK HIM.
FLIRTING IS ONE THING.

BUT IT DOES NOT MEAN I AM OBLIGATED TO FK ANYONE!

NO MATTER WHAT "IMPRESSION" THEY GOT FROM IT!
NO MATTER WHAT THEY ASSUMED BECAUSE OF IT!

BUT WHY BE SO DAMN SELFISH.....
THAT IT MATTERS MORE THAT THEY WANT IT.....
THAN THAT I DON'T?

IF I DON'T..... I FKN DON'T!!!!!!!!!!
JUST THAT.

I shouldn't have to want something....
JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE WANTS ME TO WANT IT!!!!!!!!!!

THAT GOES FOR THEM TOO!

WHICH MEANS THEY DON'T HAVE TO WANT......
ANYTHING THAT I DO!

NOTHING! THEY DON'T HAVE TO!

SO I DO NOT HAVE TO EITHER!

Imagine if an 80 year old wanted to fk a 20 year old....
AND THE 20 YEAR OLD....
WAS LIKE: NO, I DON'T WANT TO FK YOU!

WHY WOULD A 20 YEAR OLD WANT TO FK
AN 80 YEAR OLD?

OR EVEN A 60 YEAR OLD?

RIGHT?

SHOULD THAT 20 YEAR OLD.....
BE ALLOWED TO SAY: HELL NAW?

AND IF YOU WERE THAT 20 YEAR OLD.....
WOULD YOU WANT TO BE ALLOWED TO SAY "HELL NAW?"

GET THE POINT?

SO IF YOU WERE A FEMALE WHO DID NOT WANT TO FK ANYONE.....
WOULD YOU NOT WANT TO.....
DECLINE ANY "OFFERS"?

PROBABLY!

I blocked 12 Year Discard on FB just now. 
I was able to because apparently we are in the same group. 
I saw him in there. 

So.... I got that chance.
HE DISCARDED ME.
HE DOESN'T GET TO FKN CONTACT ME 
12 YEARS LATER, LIKE I WAS GOING TO JUST
FORGET THAT SH*T.....

AND THEN.... WHEN I REMINDED HIM
THAT HE DISCARDED ME.... 12 YEARS AGO.....
I BECAME "TOXIC."

TOXIC.... IS PLAYING FKN GAMES.....
LIKE: "I'M GOING TO DISCARD YOU.....
AND TRY TO COME BACK......
JUST TO DO IT AGAIN!"

WHY? BECAUSE HE DIDN'T GET WHAT HE WANTED?
DID I? NO?

BUT I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT SH*T TO HIM!

PRETTY ARROGANT TO THINK.... I WOULD BE...
"HEY! WELCOME BACK! INTO MY LIFE!
LIKE YOU NEVER DISCARDED ME!"

AND INSULTED TF OUT OF ME....
BEFORE YOU DID IT!!!!!!!!

BUT BE THE "VICTIM" IF YOU WANT!

WHILE NOT "SEEING" HOW YOU TREATED ME!
BECAUSE: "SORRY YOU FEEL LIKE I TREATED YOU HORRIBLY"

NOT: "SORRY I TREATED YOU HORRIBLY."

BIG DIFFERENCE. RIGHT?

I THINK SO!

BUT..... AT LEAST I GOT THAT CHANCE.
TO BLOCK HIM!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE HE DOESN'T GET TO BE IN MY LIFE AT ALL.
I DON'T NEED HIM SEEING ME
OR WHATEVER. I DON'T. 

Maybe he found this blog somehow.... I dunno....
But... HE WAS JUST TRYING TO BAIT ME
OR SOMETHING ELSE.

DID I WANT TO FIGHT WITH HIM?
OR DID I WANT HIM TO FKN LISTEN TO ME?

TO HEAR ME THE FIRST FKN TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND IF YOU TREAT SOMEONE LIKE SH*T........
WHY.... WOULD THEY WANT TO...... RECONNECT?

HMMM?
WHY?

ESPECIALLY AFTER THEY ALREADY MOVED ON!
BECAUSE YOU FORCED THEM TO.....
BY DISCARDING THEM!!!!!!!!!!!! 

HMMM?

COULD HAVE.... LET THEM.... MOVE ON.
JUST.... THAT.

DO I HAVE ANY BUSINESS TRYING TO 
OR EVEN WANTING TO BE BACK IN ANYONE'S LIFE.....
IF I TREATED THEM.... THE WAY THEY TREATED ME?

NO!!!!!!! I DON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HAVE TO GO TO BED SOON. AND TRY TO SLEEP.
AS HARD AS THAT CAN BE SOMETIMES.

AT LEAST I GOT TO RETURN THE "FAVOR."
RIGHT?

And what did I do? I LET HIM GO!
BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT HE WANTED! RIGHT?

DID I HAVE A CHOICE? NO?

DID I LOOK BACK? NO?

DID I THINK ABOUT HIM SOMETIMES?
WHEN I THOUGHT ABOUT WHEN THINGS WERE DECENT?

SURE. 
BUT THEY WENT FROM SUGAR TO SH*T.

AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO FORGET THE BS.

But.... Because I'm supposedly ALONE.....
THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME COME RIGHT BACK.

NO. 

"IF THEY DON'T WANT TO ADDRESS AN ISSUE....
AND THEY REFUSE TO ADDRESS IT.....
THEY DON'T WANT TO....
AND WILL TRY TO AVOID IT....
AT ALL COSTS!"

EVEN IF IT COSTS THEM YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WAS I SUPPOSED TO "FIGHT" TO BE BELIEVED?
HEARD? UNDERSTOOD?
CARED ABOUT?

ANY OF THAT? NO?

FK. THAT. 
HE CAN GO FK HIMSELF.

ROALLY HAS ALREADY.

BUT I THINK I WAS ABLE TO....
BECAUSE THE ACCOUNT HE HAD BLOCKED....
I HAD DELETED IT.... 

I HAD STARTED A NEW ONE... YEARS LATER.
HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM. 

I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE "DESPERATE"
AND "LONELY"
BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN "ALONE."

BUT.... I KNOW.... THAT.... THERE.... ARE.... THINGS....
THAT I DON'T KNOW.....
ABOUT HIM. 

AND THERE ARE THINGS....
THAT HE DOESN'T KNOW.....
ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE THOUGHT THAT IF I ACCEPTED HIM BACK....
THERE'D BE SOMETHING IN IT FOR HIM. 

THAT'S WHY.

NOT BECAUSE HE WAS ACTUALLY SORRY.....
FOR TREATING ME HORRIBLY... 

OR WANTED ME FOR THE RIGHT REASONS
OR AT ALL.

BUT.... NOTHING I HAVE.....
OR CAN DO..... 

HAS ANYTHING...... TO DO..... WITH HIM. 
HE HAS NOT BEEN IN MY LIFE FOR 12 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A LOT CAN CHANGE IN 12 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HAVE CHANGED!!!!!!!!!!!
PARTLY BECAUSE OF HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE OF D*CKS! 
WHO APPARENTLY DO NOT KNOW....
HOW NOT..... TO BE.... D*CKS.

BUT.... JUST BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT ME.......
NEVER MEANT......
HE HAD TO SH*T ON ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT I AM NOT NAIVE ANYMORE!
I SEE SH*T!
I WASN'T SEEING!
AND DIDN'T WANT TO!

YES, I WANTED TO SEE THE BEST IN HIM....
BUT...... THERE ARE THINGS.....
I DON'T KNOW.... ABOUT HIM. 

DID I THINK I KNEW HIM? YEAH?
LIKE I THOUGHT I KNEW MY EX?

I WAS SUPPOSED TO ACCEPT THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DONE WITH THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!

JUST BECAUSE I "UNDERSTAND"
DOESN'T MEAN I HAD TO ACCEPT THAT SH*T.

EVER.

The Other Day

The other day, I posted in a group to meet some new folks. 
I met some tonight! We got to chat!
I didn't expect that much attention, actually. 
I don't like putting myself out there. 

Because a lot of attention is.... A lot. 
If that happens. 
If not, I can manage that a lot better. 

One of my neighbor told me that my back is noticeably fkd. 
I knew it was getting bad, but I didn't know it was that noticeable.
He said it was my bed probably. Probably is right. 
He says he used to live in Korea and when he lived there...
Everyone slept on the floor and he said that he sleeps well. 
He has a board and a sponge and a heater.

I need my back adjusted. It is fooked. 

ANYWAY.... I have weekend plans! Exciting!
I get to help a friend with a construction project.
Going to help him put a roof on an addition to a house. 
For the first time!!!!!!!!!! Exciting!

I met a bunch of new people today. 
Not used to meeting that many people. 

I met a musician who is new to the city too. 
I have some musician friends to introduce him to. 
We are going to go to an open mic night. 
And he's going to help me fix my guitar. 

It's cool to meet new folks, just kind of wary about it.
About meeting people online these days.

I would just like to meet some folks to chill with sometimes.
Maybe learn new stuff too. 

I've learned something from everyone I've met. 

At least one thing, if not a few things. 

I like to pick people's brains. 
Many people know stuff that we don't know. 
"The more we know," right?

Can't wait for the 2 weeks to be up, haha.
I almost smoked some today.
A friend offered me some, but I had to remember that I couldn't. 
Not yet. 

So cold in here! I heard they turned the heat on. 

One of my neighbors sealed his door and he says he can't hear 
any of the BS in the hallway. 
And that it's warmer in his apartment now. 

Supposedly there was a fire by the airport. 
A lot of smoke. I didn't see it because I didn't look outside. 
I've been mostly chatting with people today. 

I dunno what was on fire at the airport, but the smoke was thick.
From what I could see in the pictures. 
In the post about it. 

I wonder if a plane crashed or something. 
Not sure. Could have been all kinds of things. 

I'd like to be able to eat something good soon. 
That tooth hole. I don't want an infection. 
So I have to try to keep it as clean as possible and let it heal.
They said it should take 2 weeks.

A neighbor suggested baby food lol. 
At least there's nutrients in it. 

I had some fried onion today. 
I had some noodles yesterday.
Haven't been eating a lot lately. 

1) I have to eat what I have here
2) I have to budget better
3) I have a tooth hole lol

It'd just be nice when the hole is healed up. 

I'm tired already. Been a while since I've spoken to that many folks. 
Mostly dudes. 

I'm not looking to start dating. I am fairly "happy" being single. 
After all that BS... I am tired and just... Okay by myself. 

However, I'd like to chill sometimes and have friends to talk with. 

I would to meet new people, and there shouldn't be anything wrong with that. 

JUST PEOPLE HAVE TO BE CAREFUL OUT THERE.
BECAUSE NOT EVERYONE CAN BE TRUSTED. 

Ottawa is.... "Special."
A "special little dumpster fire."

It's Iron Heart's birthday today. Yes I still think about him sometimes. 
Probably won't get to talk again and that is okay. 
He bounced twice, too. 

AND YES, I LET HIM GO, TOO.

1) I WISH HIM HAPPINESS
2) I DON'T HAVE TO REVISIT ANYTHING

It wasn't as bad as other experiences. 
HE DIDN'T TREAT ME AS BAD AS OTHERS HAVE.

THAT'S WHY I CAN WISH HIM WELL.
AND MEAN IT. 

SURE, I DON'T HAVE TO WISH ANYONE BAD.
DOING THAT IS LIKE WISHING BAD ON MYSELF.

THE ONES WHO DID NOT TREAT ME WELL...
I CAN WISH THEM WELL, TOO, 
BUT I DON'T HAVE TO RE-GRANT ACCESS OR ANYTHING. 

Just been really tired of trying, caring, investing, and all of that....
That's why it's cool to have ACTUAL FRIENDS.
NOT FAKE ONES.
NO BS.
NONE OF THAT CRAP.

Because I can't do the BS anymore. Never wanted it.

Anyway, you already know. I'm sure. I said it a bunch already. 
Like the last month or so.... Sorry about the "overk*ll."
I really just needed to get that OUT. 

I think I just heard a gunshot outside. Only one. 
Let's see if I hear any sirens... Dunno. 

But it did sound like a shot. 
A shot in the dark....
An actual shot, though. 

Who knows? Around here???? Could have been!
I rarely go out at night around here. 

PRETTY RISKY AROUND HERE AT NIGHT. 

IF I DO GO OUT AT NIGHT, I STAY TF OFF BANK STREET.
IF I CAN MANAGE THAT... 

NOT MUCH GOOD GOES ON.... ON BANK STREET....
AT NIGHT.

MY FOLKS USED TO LIVE ON BANK STREET....
AT THE OTHER END....
CLOSER TO WHERE WE USED TO LIVE
WHEN I WAS A KID. 

WHERE I USED TO LIVE AS A KID...
THEY CALL IT "H-BLOCK" LOL. 
FITTING. 

IT'S A PROJECT.... TOWNHOUSES....
TWO SIDES. 
"BROWN PROJECT AND WHITE PROJECT"
BEFORE YOU THINK IT HAS
ANYTHING TO DO WITH RACE, IT DOESN'T. 
IT'S NOT SEGREGATED OR ANYTHING. 

IT'S JUST THAT THE WHITE PROJECT HAS WHITE HOUSES...
THE BROWN PROJECT HAS BROWN HOUSES.
THEY LOOK VERY MUCH ALIKE, 
JUST THE OUTSIDES ARE DIFFERENT. 

SO ONE SIDE OF THE ROAD HAS THE WHITE PROJECT.
THE OTHER SIDE HAS THE BROWN PROJECT.

WE LIVED IN THE WHITE PROJECT.
I HAD A FRIEND WHO LIVED IN THE BROWN PROJECT.

WE WENT TO THE SAME SCHOOL.
THAT'S HOW WE MET.

SOMETIMES I MISS HER. 
I DIDN'T TELL HER WE WERE MOVING. 
WE MOVED AND WE WERE... JUST GONE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I DIDN'T TELL HER.
I THINK THAT I THOUGHT THAT I WOULD BE ALLOWED
TO COME BACK TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD OR SOMETHING.
WE MOVED FAIRLY FAR AWAY.

CLOSER TO DOWNTOWN.

WE'VE SEEN EACH OTHER AS ADULTS.
MET EACH OTHER'S KIDS. 

SHE NEVER TREATED ME BADLY, EVER.

SHE HAD INVITED ME TO HER BIRTHDAY PARTY ONE YEAR.
I GOT HORRENDOUSLY DRUNK AND EMBARRASSED MYSELF.

THAT'S PRETTY MUCH WHAT HAPPENED.
IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH HER.

THAT WAS ON ME.

I WISH HER EVERYTHING GOOD IN LIFE AND MORE. 

SHE WAS A VERY GOOD FRIEND TO ME WHEN WE WERE KIDS. 

LOTS OF GOOD MEMORIES AT HER HOUSE.
WITH HER FAMILY. 

AND I WENT TO HER FATHER'S FUNERAL....
WHEN SHE WAS GIVING HER SPEECH....
I DID CRY A BIT. 

SOMEONE SAW THAT AND KIND OF CALLED ME OUT ON IT.
IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.

SAYING EVERYONE SHOULD BE CRYING FOR HER DAD.

I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO GO TO MY OWN FATHER'S FUNERAL.....
YES, I FELT HER LOSS. AND I KNEW HER DAD WAS A GOOD DAD.
I CRIED. AT A FUNERAL.

ANYWAY, I JUST... DON'T BELONG IN HER LIFE ANYMORE. 
AND THAT IS OKAY.

IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH HER. 
NO ANIMOSITY. THERE NEVER COULD BE ANY.
NO REASON FOR IT. 

I JUST... HAVEN'T BEEN IN IT FOR SO LONG.

THAT... I JUST.... WANT.... HER... TO..... BE HAPPY IN HER LIFE.

WITH HER MAN AND THEIR KIDS. 
HE SEEMS LIKE A GOOD GUY. 

Anyway... H-Block was kinda rough... 
Back in the 90s... 
In some ways, the 90s were better than times are today. 

I was mostly either at school, at home, playing outside, or at my friend's house.

I was embarrassed about my home and my "home life."
I didn't know it was as bad as it was until I saw how normal
other people were... 

My mom jokes that our family motto is:
We put the FUN in DYSFUNCTIONAL.

GEE, THANKS FOR THE DYSFUNCTION, MOM. 

When you come from a dysfunctional family....
You become a dysfunctional person. 

And it took me a long time to figure out what "functional"
was supposed to even look like. 

But knowing what it is supposed to look like....
AND BECOMING A FUNCTIONAL PERSON... 

ARE NOT THE SAME THINGS. AT ALL.

Someone can find out what functional is supposed to look like... 
And still STRUGGLE BECOMING FUNCTIONAL.

Someone told me something today.... 
He was saying that the USA has twice the divorce rate Canada has.

I didn't know that. 

But at the same time, there are more people in the USA than in Canada.
More people are getting divorced, yes, 
but there are more PEOPLE....
TO GET DIVORCES.

AND IN CANADA, FEWER AND FEWER PEOPLE ARE GETTING MARRIED.
OFFICIALLY.

WE HAVE SOMETHING CALLED COMMON-LAW MARRIAGE.
WHERE PEOPLE CAN BE "CONSIDERED MARRIED"
WITHOUT BEING LEGALLY MARRIED. 

SO MORE PEOPLE ARE DOING THAT THAN ACTUALLY GETTING MARRIED.

AND THERE ARE CHICKS LIKE ME....
GETTING DRAGGED THROUGH THE MUD.... FOR YEARS....
WHO.... DO NOT WANT TO DATE ANYMORE...

SO... THEY'LL LIKELY NOT BE GETTING MARRIED.
AND... IF THEY DON'T GET MARRIED, THEY DON'T GET DIVORCED.

CANADA IS A COLD COUNTRY IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE.
THAT'S WHY.

Anyway... Curious about that fire earlier... 
By the time I found out there was one, it'd been put out.
I'd probably be able to see it from here, but I wasn't looking.

I always miss things when I'm not looking.

Always. 

It's usually when I'm doing other things, too. 
Oh well. 

Anyway, it was nice to take a break today.

I worked on some things... But not my project today.
Took a break from that.... But I have a good direction to go into. 

I found out today that the chick who came to my door....
After I left the meeting...

She said that she felt "attacked"
WHEN I SAID THAT IT IS RIDICULOUS
THAT THEY ARE PUTTING IT ON US
FOR THEM
TO KEEP US
SAFE.

BECAUSE: IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT WAS AN OPINION BASED ON FACTS.
NOT AN "ATTACK"
BUT THEY TREATED IT LIKE ONE.

THEY WERE EMBARRASSED.
AND TRIED TO EMBARRASS ME
AND SHUT ME UP
BY EXPLAINING MY OWN OPINION TO ME
IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.

BUT I WASN'T HAVING IT.

THAT'S WHY SHE WAS AT MY DOOR.
PRETENDING SHE NEEDED TO "CHECK" ON ME.

TO TRY TO MAKE IT "SEEM" LIKE I NEEDED THAT.
I DIDN'T.
SHE KNEW THAT.
SHE COULD HAVE LEFT ME ALONE.

BUT SHOWED UP AT MY DOOR????!!!

Wow, right?

Tried To Sleep

It's been hard to sleep tonight. I tried. A few times. 
I've got knockout pills just in case, but they make me feel gross
when I wake up, so... I just... Haven't been.... Taking those.

It still feels kind of sad... I do, I mean. I'm out of it. 

I was watching a video.... Like usual.
The lady made a point in it.

She said that some dudes think "fixing" something means having s*x.
Like how they "resolve" something is by s*x.

I DON'T "RESOLVE" THINGS THAT WAY.
WHAT ACTUALLY CAN BE "RESOLVED" THAT WAY?
NOTHING.

IF DUDE WAS TRYING TO GET WITH ME...
THAT WASN'T GOING TO WORK.
NOT DTF.

BESIDES, IF YOU TURN ME OFF WITH IMMATURITY....
WOULD I FIND THAT S*XY?
ATTRACTIVE?

KIND OF NEED TO BE TURNED ON...
TO EVEN WANT TO!

AND I DON'T! NOT ANYMORE.

I was thinking about this earlier.
WOULD I BE TURNED ON TO EVEN GO THERE?
NOT BY HIM. 

I WAS THINKING: MY ON-AND-OFF SWITCH IS BUSTED.
STUCK ON OFF.

MAYBE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.
TURNED OFF SO MANY TIMES THAT I JUST....
DON'T SEE MYSELF BEING TURNED ON.

There were only a few times in the last 4 years or so.
FOLLOWED BY A HUGE TURN-OFF. 

So it kind of "broke" it.

It sucks, but... That's that.

I don't really like being turned on anyway.
BECAUSE IT'S LIKE:
I DON'T EVEN GET TO ENJOY THIS....
BECAUSE "THE OTHER SHOE WILL DROP SOON."

Wish I could, but... I can't.

Not sure why I wrote about that.
It could be related to hormones, too.

One guy I used to talk with...
He said: "He chose a level of hormones over you."
Not sure if it was supposed to help me feel better or what.

Dudes usually choose something over me. Usually.
Shouldn't be "surprised" when they do it.

NOT LIKE I WAS EXPECTING THEM TO CHOOSE ME.
THEY HAVE A RIGHT NOT TO.

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M EVERYONE'S "CUP OF TEA."

PROBABLY TOO MUCH OF A "TOMBOY" FOR MOST DUDES
TO ACTUALLY BE ATTRACTED TO ME.

BUT... I'M NOT INTO A LOT OF "GIRLY STUFF."

Here's part of why I'm a "tomboy":

When I was younger.... THERE WERE CREEPY DUDES.
LIKE A VERY YOUNG TEENAGER.
AROUND 14 OR SO....

IF I WORE MAKEUP OR DRESSED IN FEMALE CLOTHES....
THAT CREEPINESS WAS WAY WORSE!
SO MUCH WORSE.

SO? I DIDN'T WANT TO!
BESIDES, IT'S NOT REALLY MY "PERSONALITY."

I DID NOT WANT TO DRAW ANY UNWANTED ATTENTION TO MYSELF.
WEARING MAKEUP ETC.... 
1) MADE ME FEEL GROSS
2) IT FEELS WEIRD ON MY SKIN
3) IT IS EXPENSIVE SH*T
4) I DO NOT ENJOY UNWANTED ATTENTION FROM CREEPY DUDES

IMAGINE?

LOOK HOW ONE DUDE ACTED WHEN I POSTED A PIC ON HERE!

THAT, BUT.... WORSE.

YES, IT P*SSED ME OFF.

BECAUSE I SHOULD JUST BE "ALLOWED" TO POST A PIC, 
OR "BE A FEMALE" WITHOUT ANY BS.

BUT AM I "ALLOWED"? EVER? FK NO!

MAYBE IF I WAS "ALLOWED" TO DO THINGS
THAT I SHOULD BE "ALLOWED TO DO....
WITHOUT ANY BS... 

THEN MAYBE I COULD FEEL "OKAY" ABOUT IT.
BUT I DON'T. 

BECAUSE OF FKTARD MENTALITY. 
THAT'S WHY.

WITHOUT FKTARD MENTALITY....
FEMALES WOULD BE "ALLOWED" TO DO THINGS
WITHOUT ANY BS!

LIKE POSTING A PIC....
WEARING MAKEUP IF SHE WANTS TO...
WEARING FEMALE CLOTHES....

WITHOUT.... BS!!!!!!!!!!!!! WITHOUT IT!

I'M GOING TO TRY TO SLEEP AGAIN.... I HOPE I CAN.
I REALLY REALLY REALLY NEED TO SLEEP. SOON.
SOONER THE BETTER.