Reflection Time

If you've read some of my older stuff... When I first started blogging...
You'd see that it was EASY for me to tell you
WHAT OTHERS WERE DOING WRONG. 

But when was I looking at what I was doing wrong?
I had a hard time looking at myself. 

Probably there was so much SHAME there...
THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT.

IT'S OKAY TO FEEL ASHAMED OF OURSELVES.
IT MEANS THAT WE THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

IF WE REFUSED TO THINK ABOUT IT...
WOULD WE FEEL ASHAMED?
ANY SHAME?

PROBABLY NOT.

PROBABLY WOULDN'T FEEL MUCH OF ANYTHING!!!!!

Did I feel much of anything?
OTHER THAN FEELINGS I DIDN'T WANT TO FEEL?

Let's talk about feelings, since I haven't written about that in a while...

It's pretty easy to guess how I would feel....
If you can put yourself in my shoes....
ABOUT THINGS I WRITE ABOUT...

ABOUT SO MUCH BS....

Unfair shit!!!!!!!!!!

IF I ACTED LIKE THAT.....
HOW WOULD IT LOOK?

ON ME? IT WOULD BE ON ME!!!!!
WHO ELSE WOULD IT BE ON?

HOW I ACT IS ON ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOW THEY ACT IS ON THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOT ON ME. 
THEY CAN FK OFF WITH THAT SH*T.

But... When I look back.... 
I wasn't looking at myself
BECAUSE THERE WAS A LOT TO BE/FEEL
ASHAMED ABOUT...
ABOUT MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOW I THOUGHT/ACTED/LIVED.

Not that I live it thousands of times better than how I used to...
But do I GET DRUNK EVERY DAY?
TO AVOID THINGS?
TO "RUNAWAY"?
TO "TRY NOT TO FEEL THINGS"
THAT I WILL EVENTUALLY ANYWAY?

EVEN IF I DON'T WANT TO?

I'll tell you something about what happened when I....
QUIT DRINKING.

All these emotions that I tried to REPRESS.
CAME FLOODING BACK.
INTENSELY.
OVERWHELMINGLY. 

THAT DRIVES PEOPLE TO DRINK.
TO RELAPSE.

BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW WTF TO DO WITH....
ALL OF.... THAT.

That's likely why they drank in the first place... 

There was a time that I "couldn't" be "around certain people"
UNLESS I WAS DRUNK.

BECAUSE I COULDN'T FKN HANDLE THEIR SH*T. 

NOW, I RARELY DEAL WITH THEIR SH*T.
BECAUSE I'M MORE AND MORE AND MORE
ON MY OWN. 

I DGAF IF I AM SOCIAL OR SECLUDED.
IT'S COMFORT, IN MY SECLUSION NOW. 

Most people don't get that....
ESPECIALLY IF THEY "CAN'T" BE "ALONE."

I'M NOT ALONE WHEN I AM BY MYSELF. 
I DON'T "FEEL LONELY" LIKE I USED TO, 

THE LONELINESS WAS A LONGING
TO "BELONG" WITH OTHER PEOPLE. 

NOW THAT I DGAF ABOUT BEING AROUND ANYONE....
NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME ANYWAY... 

THEY QUESTION ME ALL THE FKN TIME!!!!!!!
BUT DO THEY.....
QUESTION.....
THEMSELVES???????? 

DO THEY?
JUST QUESTION ME AND MY INTENTION?
WTF?

QUESTION YOUR OWN FKN INTENTIONS!!!!!!!!
FKERS!!!!! YOUR OWN!!!!!

NEVER MIND ABOUT MINE!!!!!!

BECAUSE MINE....
HAVE FK ALL TO DO WITH ANYONE....

ANYONE BUT ME.
MINE ARE FOR ME.

TO FEEL BETTER THAN I HAVE, 
BECAUSE I ACTUALLY CAN....

FKN ATTACKED FOR NO REASON....
BECAUSE THEY WON'T LOOK AT THEMSELVES....
FK THAT. FK THEM.
THEY CAN FK OFF WITH THAT.

NOT DEFENDING MYSELF AND MY CHOICES.
ESPECIALLY WHEN I AM JUST DOING MY STUFF. 

I LET PEOPLE DO THEIR STUFF. 
IF THEY WANT MY ATTENTION, THEY CAN ASK FOR IT.

OTHERWISE THEY WON'T GET WHAT THEY WANT
IF THEY TRY TO PLAY GAMES TO TRY TO GET IT. 

NO NEED FOR THAT SH*T. 
WHEN THEY SEE THERE IS NO NEED FOR IT, 
MAYBE THEY WILL FKN STOP.
JUST STOP. 
JUST.... STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND START...... ACTING RIGHT!!!!
IT'S NOT ACTUALLY HARD TO ACT RIGHT.

AND HAVE ACTUAL RESPECT FOR SOMEONE ELSE.

Like today, I went to go throw some stuff out in the dumpster in the back.
And there was a dude in there, looking for cans in there. 

He was getting out, but he was like launching himself out, 
and I was right there, and it scared me... 

He could have said, "I'm going to get out now."
To let me know or something. 

He was launching himself out. 
I was right there. 
It seemed, in the moment,
that he was launching himself towards me. 
He wasn't; he was only getting out. 

When I said, "You scared me."
"Well, I have to get out.... It's not like I live in there."
"Well, I didn't fkn think you did!!!! I live HERE, and I'm just trying to throw stuff out."

All he had to do was give me a bit of a heads up. 
THAT IS ALL. 

SIMPLE.

BUT..... DO I GET ANY COURTESY?
BUT I HAVE TO EXTEND EVERY COURTESY TO EVERYONE ELSE?

"EXCUSE ME WHILE I RUMMAGE THROUGH THE DUMPSTER."
"EXCUSE ME WHILE I LAUNCH MYSELF OUT."
"EXCUSE ME."

YEAH? WELL FKN EXCUSE ME TOO MOFO!

I'M SUPPOSED TO FKN EXCUSE EVERYONE
ALL THE FKN TIME
NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO OR FKN SAY TO ME....

BUT WATCH WHAT I  DO AND SAY TO EVERYONE????

HOW IS THAT FAIR?

THAT'S WHY I RARELY GO BACK THERE.
I DON'T LIKE GOING OVER THERE. 

BECAUSE OF SH*T LIKE THAT.

ONE TIME THERE WAS A NAKED TWEAKER BACK THERE FFS.

But... EXCUSE ME FOR THROWING SOMETHING OUT.
FFS.

Anyway, I didn't start writing this post to talk about that stuff. 

I started it to write about some other stuff... 
Stuff like why I wasn't looking at myself. 
Why I didn't want to. 

Those feelings are difficult to FACE. 

SHAME, GUILT, AND OTHER THINGS.
SELF-LOATHING, TOO.

LOTS OF DEPRESSION RELATED FEELINGS, TOO. 

SADNESS, MOSTLY. DISAPPOINTMENT....
DEPRESSION ISN'T JUST "ONE THING"
IT'S A LOT OF FEELINGS, TANGLED UP.

IT'S NOT JUST "FEELING SAD."
OR "UNMOTIVATED."
OR WHATEVER ELSE. 

"UNHAPPY."

WHAT PEOPLE DON'T MENTION.... IS:
DISSATISFACTION. 

A lot of dis words... 
But DISSATISFACTION is ONE of them. 

But... Taking pills doesn't cure those "feelings."
AS I HAVE DISCOVERED, MYSELF.

I had to look at A LOT OF STUFF ABOUT MYSELF.
THAT'S WHY I WRITE ABOUT IT. 

Maybe there are people who are "like me." In some ways. 
Maybe they can sort of relate in some ways. 

About the things I write about, like why I wasn't looking at myself. 
I DIDN'T LIKE MYSELF. 
I WAS NOT COMFORTABLE WITH MYSELF.
I DIDN'T LIKE WHAT I WAS SEEING. 
ABOUT MYSELF. WHEN I DID LOOK.

OR WHEN SOMEONE TOLD ME THE TRUTH
ABOUT MYSELF. 

I WAS DEFENSIVE TO CRITICISM.
I DIDN'T TAKE IT WELL.

EVEN THOUGH IT WAS TRUE, FOR THE MOST PART.

I say for the "most part" because nobody KNOWS ME
THE WAY I KNOW MYSELF NOW. 

NOBODY COULD.

BECAUSE I KNOW MYSELF WELL, NOW.

I COULD NEVER EXPECT THEM TO.
EITHER.

BECAUSE THEY FKN CAN'T.

HOW MANY KNOW THEMSELVES?
THE WAY I KNOW MYSELF?
HOW MANY?

How many took the TIME?
To think DEEPER?
TO LOOK?

AT THEMSELVES?

If it was easy to do it, 
EVERYONE WOULD DO IT. 

1) IT'S NOT EASY
2) IT'S NOT FUN OR PLEASANT
3) IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO GO DEEP
4) DEEP PAST THE BS
5) THE BS OF WHO WE'VE BEEN
6) TO GET TO WHERE/WHO/HOW WE COULD BE

It's that simple. 

Because... I was 20 years old when I started writing this thing.

Now? I'm 42 years old.... Living here... 

For now... 

Because this is what it is.... For now.

Like the last place.

Like any place I've been at.

Until... I get somewhere....
With what I'm doing. 

With what I'm planning... 

Because I have to start somewhere.
With something... 

And do some things that I enjoy... 

Because life IS TOO SHORT
TO BE MISERABLE
JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE YOU THOUGHT
COULD FKN GROW UP 
AND DID A LONG TIME AGO
ACTUALLY DIDN'T
AND DOESN'T FKN WANT TO!
FOR YOU, FOR THEMSELF, 
FOR FKN ANYONE OR ANYTHING!
DOESN'T FKN WANT TO!

LIFE IS TOO SHORT FOR THAT!!!!!!!!!!

AND CRAP LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT IS! IT FKN IS!

TOO SHORT NOT TO DEAL WITH MYSELF, 
SEE MYSELF, FACE MYSELF, 
REFLECT ON MYSELF, 
MY WAYS, 
MY HABITS, 
EVERYTHING.

IF ANYONE WANTS TO REALLY CHANGE, 
THEY HAVE TO!!!!!

CHANGE WON'T HAPPEN UNTIL THEY DO.

AND CAN'T BLAME ANYONE ELSE!

FOR WHAT WE ARE NOT LOOKING AT!

OR WHY WE AREN'T LOOKING AT IT.

Why Is THAT?

If you saw how she reacted when I told her
THAT I COULDN'T GIVE HER THE TIME SHE WANTED
RIGHT WHEN SHE WANTED IT, 
THAT I WOULD GIVE HER TIME THE NEXT DAY....
If you saw how she reacted to that....
You would know why I wasn't even expecting to ever hear from her again. 
But it seems when someone wants something
they don't care about how they reacted to anything
TOWARDS ME. 

IF I ACTED LIKE THAT, THEY COULD DROP ME. 
I KNOW THIS.
IT WOULD BE THEIR RIGHT TO DO SO.

I DON'T REACT LIKE THAT.

IT ISN'T FAIR. 

It just bothers me when some things are UNFAIR
AND NOBODY SEEMS TO REALIZE
HOW FKN UNFAIR SOMETHING WAS TO ME.

How they act when they don't get what they want
SAYS EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM. 

SAYS WHAT KIND OF PERSON THEY ARE. 

If they have a fkn TANTRUM, they can fk off. 

ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE FULL ADULTS. 
WHO SHOULD BE GROWN ENOUGH
NOT TO ACT LIKE THAT. 

Anyone trying to guilt me or manipulate my feelings
WITH PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE SH*T|
OR ANY OTHER BS
GETS FK ALL FROM ME. 

FROM NOW ON. 

I'm just so tired of that crap. 
I have been for a long time. 

MAYBE IT WORKS ON SOME PEOPLE, 
BUT NOT ON ME. 

IT P*SSES ME OFF; IT'S ABOUT ALL THAT IT DOES. 

But, one would think
an ADULT
would know better
than to do that sh*t.

BUT TOO MANY "ADULTS"
DON'T FKN ACT LIKE ADULTS!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY IS THAT?

Expected A Reply

I didn't OWE her a REPLY
TO HER HARASSMENT. 

SHE TRIED TO MAKE IT "SEEM"
LIKE SHE WAS "ONLY"
ASKING ME HOW I'M DOING....

AFTER MONTHS....

I KNOW SHE WAS ASKING BECAUSE SHE WANTED SOMETHING. 
SHE PROBABLY WANTED ME TO TEACH HER CROCHET AGAIN.
OR SOMETHING ELSE FROM ME. 

PEOPLE DON'T CONTACT ME
JUST TO ASK HOW I AM DOING. 

NOT EVEN MY OWN FAMILY.

I FKN HATE THAT SH*T. 
FKN DOING SOMETHING WITH AN AGENDA.... 

SHE ONLY "CARED" ABOUT WHAT SHE WANTED FROM ME.
AND GETTING IT. 

THAT'S WHY SHE GOT MAD, THAT MAD. 

FK OFF WITH YOUR ENTITLEMENT & EGO.
WHEN DID I START OWING EVERYTHING TO EVERYONE?
WHEN?????????????

I'D LIKE TO KNOW THAT. 
JUST THAT.

WHY DO SOME PEOPLE THINK IT STARTS
AS SOON AS WE MEET EACH OTHER..... 

NO. I ONLY "HEAR" FROM MOST PEOPLE...
IF THEY WANT SOMETHING FROM ME. 
THAT'S IT. 

NOT TO ASK ME: "HOW ARE YOU?"
WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?
SO YOU CAN ASK ME SOMETHING ELSE?

GET TO THE POINT! OR P*SS OFF!
WHY WASTE MY TIME?

GO WASTE SOMEONE ELSE'S TIME!

WHY DO I KEEP TO MYSELF MOSTLY?
BECAUSE EVERYONE WANTS TO DO WITH THEIR TIME
WHAT THEY WANT TO DO WITH IT. 

INCLUDING ME. 

WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT ME TO WASTE THEIR TIME?

BUT YOU CAN'T HAVE A "FALLING OUT" WITH ME, 
THEN POP UP MONTHS LATER LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED. 
NO "SORRY I TREATED YOU LIKE XYZ..." NOTHING... 

NO FKN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT ABOUT THEIR ACTIONS.
THEIR BEHAVIOR TOWARD ME, AND THEIR CHOICES. 

NOTHING....

AND EXPECT TO "CONTINUE" KNOWING ME?

NO. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ANYONE
WHO CAN'T FKN ACKNOWLEDGE ME OR ANYTHING THEY DO.

AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT ACKNOWLEDGING ME:
"HOW ARE YOU?"

ACKNOWLEDGING ME AS IN:
"HOW I TREATED YOU WASN'T RIGHT OR FAIR."

WHY? BECAUSE "YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TREATED ME LIKE THAT."
EXACTLY.

SOMETHING I WANT ACKNOWLEDGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT NOPE....
NOTHING. 

NOTHING BUT BARE MIN, IF THAT.
AND EXPECTING TO GET WHATEVER IT WAS THEY WANTED. 

DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT.

DO I GET WHAT I WANT? HARDLY FKN EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IS IT FAIR WHEN I HAVE TO DEAL WITH ENTITLED TWATS?
WHO ARE USED TO GETTING EVERYTHING THEY WANT?
ALL THE FKN TIME?

WHILE GETTING FKN NOTHING????????????????

IT'S FKN NOT!

SO THEY CAN P*SS RIGHT OFF!

I Managed It

I managed to block her, finally. 
It shouldn't have been hard to do, but it wasn't easy. 
Just to do that. 

WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE HARASSSED?
AFTER BEING INSULTED?

I AM NOT "CRUEL" FOR NOT GIVING IN
TO SOMEONE WHO WANTED TOO FKN MUCH FROM ME!

NOT GIVING IN WHEN I DID NOT FKN OWE THAT TO HER.
TO ANYONE.

EXCEPT MY SON. HE IS THE ONLY ONE I OWE MY ATTENTION TO.
EVEN THEN, HE KNOWS I CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH. 
HE DOESN'T ASK ME TO OVEREXTEND MYSELF. 
DOESN'T DEMAND IT. 
HE'S ACCEPTED THAT I HAVE MY LIMITS.
ESPECIALLY RIGHT NOW. 

IT WON'T ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS, BUT....
IT IS WHAT IT IS, FOR NOW.

HE KNOWS THAT AND HAS ACCEPTED THAT. 
IT MAY ANNOY HIM, HE MAY GET FRUSTRATED... 

BUT HE HAS ACCEPTED IT.
HE DIDN'T LIKE IT, BUT IT IS WHAT IT IS, RIGHT NOW.

I know that it won't ALWAYS be like THIS, though. 

I was thinking about THIS last night. 
I was thinking that each place I ever lived at... 
HAS BEEN A STEPPING STONE TO THE NEXT PLACE. 

I TOLD MY FRIEND... 
HE SAID: "LIFE IS ALWAYS CHANGING."

It's true, it is. It always is. 

I know that I'm changing, too. 

I'm getting some things set up. 
I'm trying to get organized... 

Sore throat today, and I feel gross... 
I want to get a few things and go back to bed. 

Just this year so far has been nuts SOCIALLY. 
AND "ROMANTICALLY" 
IF YOU CAN EVEN CALL IT THAT... 
BECAUSE I GAVE UP ON IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TO THE POINT I'M NOT LOOKING FOR ANYTHING ANYMORE!

EVERY TIME I WAS, I'D GET BLASTED.
NOT FUN. 
NOT COOL. 
NOT SOMETHING I WANT. 

OR WANTED. 

WANTED MATURITY AND RESPECT.
THAT'S WHAT I WANTED. 

FKN RARE!!!!! WHY?????

EVEN FKN SOCIALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IT'S BEEN BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOME DUDE TOLD ME HE WANTS TO PUT HIS HEAD
IN MY LAP AND JUST TALK WITH ME. 

HE BARELY TALKS TO ME AS IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I DON'T WANT ANYONE'S HEAD IN MY LAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT MAKES HIM THINK I WANT WHAT HE WANTS?????
FROM ME????????????????????????????

DUDES DON'T THINK ABOUT THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THEY ONLY WANT WHAT THEY FKN WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND DON'T THINK ABOUT ME AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT P*SSES ME OFF SO FKN MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND THEY EXPECT TO GET WHAT THEY WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU WANT TOO MUCH FROM ME...
YOU GET NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Should I let people want TOO MUCH FROM ME?
THEN ACT LIKE THAT WHEN THEY DON'T GET IT?

SHOULD I WANT TOO MUCH FROM EVERYONE????????
THAT THEY WANT FROM ME??????????

AND EXPECT IT?
AND GET MAD?
WHEN I DON'T GET IT??????

NO THANKS. 

I've seen too many people acting LIKE THAT
THAT I SEE WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE. 

I DON'T WANT TO BE SEEN LIKE THAT. 
I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE SEEN LIKE THAT. 
BECAUSE I'M NOT LIKE THAT. 
THAT'S NOT ME. 

BUT, I KEEP ENCOUNTERING ALL KINDS OF BS!!!!!
EVEN MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEY MUST LOOK AT ME AND THINK:
"EASY TARGET."
TO GET WHATEVER THEY WANT... 

THEY DO THIS SH*T TO "NICE" PEOPLE.
UNTIL THEY REALIZE THE NICE PEOPLE
WERE ONLY BEING NICE
BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO BE.....

NOT BECAUSE THEY FKN HAD TO BE... 

AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN...
THE NICE PEOPLE ARE "CRUEL"
BECAUSE SOME GREEDY B*TCH DIDN'T GET WHAT SHE WANTED. 
OR SOME GREEDY MOFO. 

FK OFF WITH YOUR GREED. 
MAYBE TRY NOT WANTING VERY FKN MUCH.

EVEN THOUGH I DON'T WANT VERY FKN MUCH....
IT SEEMS LIKE WANTING RESPECT SEEMS
TO BE OUT OF THE QUESTION.... 

WHY IS THAT?