Wanted Me To Chase

That's what that "discard" was supposed to be.
WAS SUPPOSED TO TRY TO MAKE ME CHASE.
I DIDN'T. 

THAT'S WHY THEY CAME BACK.

BECAUSE WHAT THEY THOUGHT:
"I'LL WAIT HER OUT."

THOUGHT I WOULD BE "NEEDY"
AND "NEED" THEM. LOL.

FOR WHAT? BS?
WTF DO I NEED THAT FOR?

"I MISSED OUT ON AN OPPORTUNITY"
YES. I DON'T NEED "CLOSURE."
BECAUSE OF HOW THEY CHOSE TO DO ME....
THAT.WAS.THE.CLOSURE.

WANTED TO COERCE ME....
INTO A "BATTLE" I HADN'T SIGNED UP FOR.

"BECAUSE THEY CAN'T HEAL SOMETHING WITH YOU, 
THEY WANT TO DESTROY YOU."

"THEY LACKED THE MATURITY TO PROGRESS WITH."

ISN'T ALWAYS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
I'M NOT. THAT'S FOR SURE.

WANTED ME TO BE "SCARED" THAT... 
I'D ALWAYS BE ALONE....
THAT "NOBODY WOULD WANT" ME.

DO I WANT ANYONE TO WANT ME? NOW?
NO! BECAUSE NOT EVERYONE
IS SOMEONE I WANT TO BE WITH!!!!!!!!!!!

I'M "TOXIC" FOR TELLING THE TRUTH.
SHOULD I GAF WHAT ANYONE THINKS OF ME?
SHOULD I?

BECAUSE: I FKN DGAF!

SO PEOPLE WHO WANTED TO PUT A "DENT"
IN MY "VALUE" CAN "DO THAT"?

LIES CAN'T DESTROY ME.
BUT THE TRUTH CAN DESTROY THEM!

AND IF THEY DON'T WANT IT TO....
SINCE THEY CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF THEM....
MAYBE THEY SHOULD STOP WITH THEIR BS.

Something I find funny:
PEOPLE WHO TRY TO COME FOR ME....
WHEN THEY CAN'T, 
THEY TURN ON EACH OTHER LOL. 

I find that so funny! 

IF THEY WOULD TURN ON ME....
OF COURSE THEY'LL TURN ON EACH OTHER!!!!

Viper pit... 

My neighbor was telling me a story about a theft... 
A LADY NEIGHBOR... ELDERLY.....
HAD HER PURSE SNATCHED.

THE SNATCHER RAN BACK TO THIS BUILDING!

FKN VIPER PIT. 

BUT THIEVES STEAL FROM EACH OTHER!
That's not even how low it goes... 

IT'S AN EXAMPLE.
OF WHAT I WAS SAYING, THOUGH.

SNAKES BITE EACH OTHER. RIGHT?
BECAUSE... THAT'S..... WHAT THEY DO!

I think snakes have some anti-venom or something. 
Not sure if they are "immune" to the venom that they possess. 
Like if a snake from the same species bites one....
If they get..... Venom from the snake that bites them....

I've wondered about that but haven't looked it up yet. 

But what I did look up....
There are "around 4,000" species of snakes in the world. 

Of those... Around 725 known species... ARE VENOMOUS. 

In Canada, there are 25 species of snakes. 
In Ontario, there are 17 species of snakes. 

Of those.... Ontario has 1 venomous species of snake.
It's a type of rattlesnake.

It's called the Eastern Massauga.

Anyway.... Yes, Canada does have snakes. 
Ireland supposedly doesn't. 

It has been said that St. Patrick drove the snakes out...
It's a myth. 

What scholars believe:

St. Patrick drove out pagans and druids who used snake symbols. 
Something like that... An allegory. 

But... It actually is too cold for cold-blooded reptiles. 

Isn't it cold in Canada, too? Yes.
Pretty sure that they hibernate.

And in BC.... Some places get snow, and some mostly rain. 
Probably more snakes over there than over here.

Anyway.... Now that we know all about Canadian snakes.... LOL!

I'm starting to feel a bit better... Still congested..... But....
Getting "back to myself" now... 
Feels better.

I was diagnosed with BPD.... A mood disorder thing... 
Managing is more difficult at times, but.... Still possible. 
Just takes a long time, I guess. But oh well. 

I had a lot to get out... I got it out. Feels better... 

At least it was only days, not weeks or months
on the same thing. Right?

When I had all that to get out about Mirror Smasher....
THAT TOOK A LOT LONGER.

All that is in the archives.... In the past.
It was a lot and took longer. 

But now that I'm feeling better, I can concentrate on other things. 

Been doing a CSS pass on a page I'm working on....
Almost done... It's been taking a while... 

Anyway, what I needed from that "situation"
WAS SOMETHING ADDRESSED.
IT WASN'T. 
IT'S NOT LIKE "OKAY, I SAID SORRY. MOVE ON."

IT'S "I UNDERSTAND WHAT I DID WRONG."
"I UNDERSTAND IT WASN'T FAIR TO INSULT YOU
AND MAKE IT SEEM LIKE YOU WERE THE PROBLEM....
WHEN WHAT I WAS DOING WAS THE PROBLEM.
AND YOU HAD A RIGHT TO BE UPSET ABOUT IT."

JUST THAT.

INSTEAD OF BACKTRACKING BS. 

WHICH ISN'T FKN FAIR. 
WOULD IT BE FAIR OF ME TO BACKTRACK MY BS?
WOULD ANYONE WANT ME TO DO THAT SH*T? NO?
WHY IS THAT? HMMM?

SO IF NOTHING GETS ADDRESSED, EVER.....
AND I'M ALWAYS THE "PROBLEM"
WHY SHOULD I WANT TO PARTICIPATE
IN THAT FKN BS?

IT WAS THAT HE WAS THE PROBLEM.

IT WAS HIS FKN CHOICES!
HIS FKN ATTITUDE TOWARDS ME!
HOW HE FKN TREATED ME!

BASED ON WHAT?

BASED ON STANDING UP FOR MYSELF?
WHY DID I FKN HAVE TO?

DID THEY TELL ANYONE THAT?
OR THAT I'M "CRAZY"?
OR WHATEVER TF ELSE THEY SAID ABOUT ME...
TO MAKE THEM SEEM LIKE A VICTIM
OF THEIR OWN SH*T?

SO SICK OF THAT SH*T.

IF YOU'RE ABOUT BS, 
AND YOU KNOW THAT I DON'T PLAY ABOUT BS....

DON'T.BE.ABOUT.IT.
NOT WITH ME. 

AM I "CRAZY" FOR NOT WANTING BS?
NO.

IF I WANTED IT, I'D BE ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JUST FKN BUGS ME SO MUCH....
THAT PEOPLE SPIN A FKN STORY
ABOUT ME....
EVERYONE BELIEVES THAT SH*T.
INVALIDATING WHY I WAS EVEN FKN UPSET!!!!!!!!!!

THEY'VE DONE THAT SH*T FOR FKN DECADES!
IT'S A GAME THEY THINK IS FUNNY OR SOME SH*T!

I THOUGHT ENOUGH TIME HAD PASSED
FOR PEOPLE TO FKN WAKE UP, BUT I GUESS NOT!

Not "Broken" (Part 2)

It's crazy how at least a few dudes tried to BREAK me.
Not sure why they tried to... That's BS.

Like I truly was not "supposed to be" happy.
Or something. 

Can't say it's ENVY because I can't see why it would be... 
If it is, that would be surprising to me. 

But... I was thinking about something kind of funny... 

I just woke up, trying to actually be awake....
I had wild dreams... 

I had a dream that I was at a "hospital" or something.... 
And a dude went on a rampage and started k*lling people... 
I was looking for places to hide... 

Then... At one point I saw the dude... 
I rushed him and tackled him... 
And he was arrested. 

In the dream, he k*lled 4 people. 
Then when he got out of prison, he returned to the hospital. 

Because he was "criminally insane."

I had a dream about Mirror Smasher, too.
In the dream, I wrote him a letter... Left it for him to find.

I used to write him letters. I thought I wouldn't see him again.
I did... But... HOW DID THAT TURN OUT?

I TORE THEM UP.

I WAS TRYING TO PROCESS OLD FEELINGS
OR SOMETHING. 

Imagine if I had married him like I thought I would?
WHEN I WAS 4 YEARS OLD?

BUT.... AT 4 YEARS OLD.....
I DID NOT GAF ABOUT MONEY.... 

It's "useful" but... It would not be a "motivator"
for marriage... 

Not for me. 

Just would be cool if D*CKS wore tags... 
"I'M A D*CK, STAY AWAY."

Advance warning so nobody wastes their time finding out. 

Anyway, I don't think I got to that part I thought was funny... 
About dudes trying to "break" me. 

GLOWSTICKS CAN CRACK AND GLOW.

Speaking of cracking... I'd love to see a chiropractor. 
My back needs to be straightened. 
It gets pretty painful sometimes... 

One day I'll be able to do those things. 
And the second half of my life can be comfortable. 

Someone was saying I have to FREE my energy...
FROM MY "MENTAL PRISON"
TO BE ABLE TO APPLY IT....
ELSEWHERE.

ALL IN ALL....
I THINK I GOT MY HOPES UP
FOR SOMETHING I WANTED 
WITH SOMEONE I WANTED TO BE WITH.
AND THOUGHT THAT WE COULD HAVE THAT.

BUT.... WISHFUL.... THINKING. 
RIGHT?

And if.... SOMEONE ISN'T READY?
THEY AREN'T FKN READY!!!!!!!!!!
FOR WHAT YOU WANTED.

AND IF THEY AREN'T READY....
THEY JUST ARE NOT READY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JUST.... INCAPABILITY. JUST THAT.

And..... THAT IS FACT-BASED.
AND CAN I BE ANGRY AT FACTS?
OR ARE FACTS..... JUST FACTS?

I COULD BE ANGRY.....
I WAS..... A LOT OF SH*T 
WAS FKN UNFAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT IF I WASTE ALL MY ENERGY ON THAT SH*T....
WHAT ENERGY DO I HAVE LEFT?
TO DO SOMETHING ELSE WITH?

IF I GAVE 12-YEAR-DISCARD ANOTHER CHANCE....
HE WOULD HAVE DISCARDED ME AGAIN!
BECAUSE HE DID!

BECAUSE HE DIDN'T LIKE HIS SH*T
IN HIS FACE.

BUT I DIDN'T LIKE IT EITHER.

WOULD IT BE FAIR TO GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE?
FAIR TO ME? BECAUSE WHAT DID I GET?
MORE BS?

AND HAVE TO RECOVER FROM THAT SH*T
AGAIN! THANKS FOR THAT! FKR!

COULD HAVE JUST.... LEFT ME ALONE!
I HAD LET HIM GO TO LIVE HIS FKN LIFE!!!!!!!!!!

I DON'T NEED PEOPLE WHO'D DISCARD ME.
OR ABUSE ME BEFORE THEY FKN DO IT, EITHER.

"A***! YOUR REACTIONS ARE THE PROBLEM!"
REALLY?????

WHAT AM I REACTING TO? HMMM?

UNDERSTANDABLY, HE'D BE P*SSED TOO!

SO WOULD HEAD PUNCHER!
IF I PUNCHED HIM IN THE HEAD!

SO WOULD MIRROR SMASHER!
IF I SMASHED AN HEIRLOOM!

IF I HAD TREATED EVERYONE LIKE SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND EXPECTED THEM NOT TO FKN "REACT."
BUT MY "REACTIONS" ARE "ALWAYS"
THE "PROBLEM."

NOT HOW I'M BEING TREATED, EVER! RIGHT? FK!
GIVE ME A FKN BREAK!!!!!!!! FKRS! FK!

MAYBE I'D HAVE NOTHING TO REACT BADLY TO... 
IF I HAD BEEN TREATED LIKE THEY FKN CARED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ABOUT HOW THEY WERE FKN TREATING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

MAYBE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HMMM?

I'VE DEALT WITH SO MUCH BS... 
THAT IT IMPACTED MY "EMOTIONAL WORLD."
FOR A FKN LONG TIME. 

A LONG @SS TIME!

TOO FKN LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OKAY?
TOO LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EVEN A MOMENT OF BS IS TOO LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But... What most people do not understand about me....

THEY COME AT ME BECAUSE THEY THINK I AM WEAK.

PATIENCE LOOKS LIKE FKN SUPPLY!
MY "WILLINGNESS TO KEEP THE PEACE"

DOES NOT MEAN I WON'T CALL IT THE FK  OUT!

THEY THOUGHT MY "TOLERANCE"
WAS FKN STRUCTURAL. NO.

IT WAS A FKN CHOICE.

PEOPLE WHO WERE NEVER FKN TREATED
THE WAY THAT I WAS.....

DON'T LEARN THE THINGS I HAVE!

BECAUSE HOW COULD THEY?
FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS?

THAT'S DIFFERENT....
FROM LEARNING IT YOURSELF.

NOT THAT I FKN WANTED TO, LIKE THIS....

WHEN YOU GET FKD AROUND....
YOU LEARN NOT TO GIVE YOUR ATTENTION EVERYWHERE.

THAT'S NOT BEING COLD. IT'S BEING TIRED. 

TIRED OF BS, AND THERE'S PLENTY OF IT OUT THERE!

"YOU MAKE PEOPLE FEEL THINGS THEY ARE NOT READY TO FEEL."
JUST BY EXISTING. YES. 

BECAUSE MY VOLUME MAKES THEIR VOLUME
OBVIOUS TO THEM.

PEOPLE PUNISH ME FOR BEING "INTIMIDATING."
ARE PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY KNOW ME....
INTIMIDATED BY ME?

AND WHEN THEY ARE "INTIMIDATED"
THEY TRY TO "PUT MY LIGHT OUT."

WAS IT THEIRS TO "PUT OUT"?

BECAUSE THEY WANTED ME TO DOUBT MYSELF!
SURE, HEALTHY DOUBT IS FKN HEALTHY.

BUT KNOWING YOURSELF....
IS SOMETHING ELSE. 

KNOWING MYSELF, THEY CAN'T TAKE OR "BREAK."

"YOUR ENEMIES ADVERTISE FOR YOU."

WHEN THEY SPEAK ABOUT YOU TO PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW YOU...
PEOPLE GET "CURIOUS."

WHO IS THIS PERSON THEY ARE TREATING SH*T ABOUT?
IS IT TRUE?

"THEY HANDED THEM A STORY TO DISMISS YOU."
OKAY. THE WRONG ONES WHO WOULD DISMISS ME
BASED ON BS.... 

DO IT! BECAUSE I DON'T NEED TO BE OR WANT TO BE 
"ACCEPTED" BY PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT BS IS.

PEOPLE WHO HAND ME GARBAGE....
DON'T KNOW WHAT I CAN DO WITH IT. 

I CAN REPURPOSE THINGS! IMAGINE THAT?

EVEN "REJECTION"
EVEN "DISTORTION"

WHATEVER ELSE. BRING IT FKERS! BRING IT!

OTTAWA IS A "TRASH CITY."
LOTS OF "GARBAGE."
LOTS OF "BS."

IT'S FKD!!!!!!!!!!!! FKD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DUMPSTER FIRE. 
WITHIN A BILLION DUMPSTER FIRES.

I guess the analogy was.... What can you do with BS?
YOU CAN USE IT AS FERTILIZER.

UNDERSTAND?

WHEN THEY THINK THEY ARE JUST SH*TTING ON ME.... 
WHAT ARE THEY ACTUALLY DOING?

BUILDING ME?

HMMM. DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING.

BUT... I DIDN'T SEE THE BS COMING... 
WHO WOULD?

SHOULD I BE EXPECTING BS ALL THE TIME?

HOPING THERE'S NONE IS ONE THING....
BUT EXPECTING IT?
YOU CAN'T!

I LEARNED THIS. 

BUT JUST BECAUSE THEY DISH IT.....
AND CAN'T FKN TAKE... 

HE WANTED ACCESS TO ME.... TO "TALK"
TO GET INFO FROM ME.

INFO HE DOES NOT DESERVE ACCESS TO. 

NOT ABOUT ME.
NOT ABOUT MY WORK.
NOT ABOUT ANYTHING. 

THEY REMOVED HIMSELF FROM MY LIFE.
A LONG TIME AGO....

SO WHY SHOULD THEY GET ANYTHING?

"WROTE THEMSELVES OUT OF THE FRONT ROW."
DIDN'T WANT A VIP PASS?

WELP..... NOSE BLEED SECTION IS WAYYYYY UP THERE!!!!!!
BUT.... WHY SHOULD YOU BE INVITED INTO THE "STADIUM"?

INVITED "BACK IN"
AFTER SHOWING YOUR @SS TO ME?

MORE THAN ONCE! 

THEY'D BE LUCKY FOR NOSEBLEED SEATS.

THE STORY ISN'T WHAT PEOPLE DID TO ME....
IT'S WHAT I DID WITH IT.
BECAUSE OF IT.
DESPITE IT. 

FK IT. 

EVERYONE WHO TRIED TO FK WITH ME...
WILL HEAR ABOUT ME, EVENTUALLY.

NOT THAT I'LL BE "FAMOUS"
OR WANT TO BE ANYTHING LIKE THAT. 

I DGAF ABOUT THAT SUPERFICIAL SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I CARE ABOUT SUBSTANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOT THAT "EASY" TO FIND.
OR BUILD ON... 

"I THREW EVERYTHING I COULD THINK TO THROW AT A***!"
"I TRIED TO DIMINISH HER LIKE SHE WAS NOTHING!"
"I TRIED TO BREAK HER AND MAKE HER FEEL LIKE SH*T!"

THANKS FOR TRYING. 
THOSE WERE ALL MY ADVANTAGES. FKRS.

"GROWING PAIN."
Get it?

Pain doesn't have to.... DECIDE YOUR LIFE FOR YOU!
YOU DO! YOU GET TO!

EVERY TIME.... I "EXPLAINED" MYSELF....
"HOPING TO BE UNDERSTOOD, FINALLY....."
(NOT LIKE I WAS EVER GOING TO BE....
BY PEOPLE WHO NEVER WANTED TO....)
RIGHT?

PEOPLE GET "UNCOMFORTABLE" AROUND ME....
MOSTLY. NOT EVERYONE... 

IT'S MY VOLUME. NOT AUDIO... MY ENERGY.

"IF PEOPLE SIT ON THEIR TALENT.... I AM A REMINDER....
THAT THEY ARE LETTING IT ROT!"

THEY DON'T KNOW WHY TF THEY ARE "INTIMIDATED" BY
MY MERELY FKN EXISTING!

IT'S BECAUSE I REFLECT TO THEM.... SOMETHING.
THAT BOTHERS THEM MORE....
THAN MY EXISTING DOES.

SOMETHING ABOUT THEMSELVES. 

THEY WANTED ME TO FIND "FLAWS"
THEY MANUFACTURED
AND WANTED ME TO THINK THEY WERE MINE. 

THEY CAN'T BLOW OUT CANDLES
I'M NOT PRESENTING TO THEM, CAN THEY?

PEOPLE CAN WONDER WHO I AM....
ALL THEY WANT TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DO THEY GET TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME?

FKN RUMOR MILL OF A CITY....
BUT WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM A DUMPSTER FIRE?

But whatever! "I TAKE RUMORS AS COMPLIMENTS."
BECAUSE I HAD TO "IMPACT" YOU SOMEHOW....
FOR YOU TO LIE ON MY NAME.... RIGHT?

Want to know something?
PEOPLE GET MAD WHEN I OUTGROW THEM!
THAT'S WHY THEY TRY TO TRIGGER ME!
AND TRY TO DRAG ME DOWN
"TO THEIR LEVEL."

DO I BELONG THERE?
OR DO I BELONG WHERE I CLIMBED TO?

IF I WAS "WRONG" ABOUT HIM WANTING SOMETHING FROM ME....
HE WOULD HAVE PROVED THAT!

BUT I WASN'T! SO HE COULDN'T!

THAT'S WHY HE RAN AWAY!
HE COULDN'T GET FK ALL FROM ME.

WANTED ME "IN PAIN" 
"STRUGGLING"

IF I STRUGGLE, IT'S BECAUSE OF MYSELF. 

BECAUSE OF SOMETHING... THAT I WAS DOING....
OR NOT DOING!

THAT'S IT.

WANTED ME TO BE WHERE THEY ARE AT. I'M NOT.
NEVER WAS.

I NEVER OPERATED LIKE THAT.

WAS I NOT ALLOWED TO CHANGE MY MIND?
ABOUT WHAT THEY WANTED ME TO DOUBT?

WHY DID THEY WANT ME TO DOUBT MY WORTH?
WORTH ASKING? HMMM?

WHY DID THEY WANT ME ISOLATED?
SO I COULD BE "SAD" AND "CRYING"?

I WOULD RATHER FKN BE ALONE!
ISOLATING AN INTROVERT????? LMAO!!!!!!!!!!

MAYBE..... INTROVERTS.....
CAN GROW.......
UNDISTURBED?

"DON'T KNOW WHEN TO QUIT"
EVEN 12 YEARS LATER!

IMAGINE THAT?

YES. I WAS GOING TO STAND UP TO THEM.
BUT..... I NEVER HAD TO DO THAT TO THEM.....
WHAT THEY WERE DOING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DID I? IN 12 FKN YEARS.....
I COULD HAVE DONE A LOT OF SH*T TO THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!
IF I WANTED TO BE ABOUT BS..... RIGHT?

UPSET THAT I'M NOT "LONELY" WHILE ALONE?
UPSET THAT I'M NOT "CRYING IN A BEER"?
UPSET THAT I'M NOT SABOTAGING MYSELF?

IF I ACTED OUT..... I WOULD HAVE BEEN.
IF I ALLOWED MYSELF TO BE DRAGGED DOWN.... 

I saw something... A video.... 

A white couple.... Were fighting a black guy. 

HE SAID "DON'T TOUCH ME."
THE WOMAN HIT HIM IN THE FACE... 
HE UNLOADED ON HER AND HER "MAN."

IT WAS SELF-DEFENSE. THERE WERE WITNESSES.
IT WAS ALL RECORDED.

BUT THEY WANTED TO BLAME HIM.
EVEN THOUGH SHE STRUCK HIM FIRST.

BS.

FELT LIKE AN ANALOGY FOR A BUNCH OF SH*T.

"DON'T TOUCH ME."
THEN... BS. 

BS? REALLY? 

BUT IT WAS ALSO LIKE:
TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT....

EVEN THOUGH IT WAS DESERVED.

Tired

Lots has been running through my mind lately. 
Trying to get some stuff done before the cut off. 

My internet's getting cut at the end of the month...
Because I paid them too late one too many times....
And they disconnected my phone...

And I still owe them money... 

Currently don't have a phone right now. 
But that's okay. 

Still have the internet for now...
Until I don't lol.

But... I think this month is full of changes.
New number... New company...
Maybe I can even save some money... 

Who knows?

Not all changes have to be bad...

Just hard to get out of holes sometimes. 
And get other things set up... 

Just extra sh*t to do....
That I didn't intend to do....
But have to do...

Just that.

So the stuff... I'm working on... 
I'm just going to keep plugging away...
For as long as I can... 

But... That's just some stuff on my mind, I guess.
Just been a bunch of sh*t at once... Unpleasant. 

Maybe it's a retrograde thing lol!

And after that.... Things can shift... Maybe.

Things can always shift. 
And things can shift in surprising ways! 
Sometimes good things happen!

Not all the time... But, sometimes.
And we don't see surprises coming. Right?
Or we wouldn't be surprised. 

It's just that... Throughout my life.... 
A lot of the surprises were.... Bogus. 

Speaking of bogus... 
There used to be a show on TV called Mr. Bogus.
I think in the 90s... 
I remember that show... 

Anyway... A throwback from my childhood. 

It was animated, I think.
Been a while... 

Mr. Bogus <----- 

Yup, animated. From the 90s. 
I was a kid... I remember that much. 

I was 9 years old 1993.. 

Yes, I used to watch cartoons as a kid... 

I remember my son's heartbreak realizing
that his favorite cartoon charcters weren't real...

It broke his heart!
He bawled! 

I felt so bad for telling him, but I'd have to eventually. 

Better to know, right?

I forget how old I was when I realized cartoons weren't real... 
But I don't think I had that reaction. 

I was intrigued about the fact that cartoons were drawings.
And how the drawings are animated... 

It's pretty interesting, right?
I think so!

And all of it was done BY HAND back in the day.
All the classics that were done by hand!

Wild, eh? That skill?
It's an art in itself. 

I've got to figure out some stuff to get out of the hole... 
But when I do, it'll be nice. 

Just getting everything settled up will feel nice, too. 
Finally. To get it off my mind. 

One day. It will happen!
Because: Shifts can happen!

I have a plan... And I'll see how I can pull it off.
I hope I can, but it will take A WHILE.

It isn't one of those "get rich quick" things.

It's a "multi-layer" thing. 
My job is to build it and tie it all together. 

But each part... Has it's own thing... 
And each thing has to be built, by me. 

I don't have anyone on my "team" to help me build it. 
Would be cool, but HARD TO TRUST PEOPLE THESE DAYS.

And there's that whole thing about not getting into business
with friends or family... 

"Just in case."

Because although we hope that things would "work out"
THE WAY WE HOPED...
THAT DOES NOT ALWAYS HAPPEN.

Also, I have to get a tooth pulled. 
It's been bugging me. Aching. 

I was supposed to get it pulled last month, 
but I was too congested in my lungs... 
Coughing up a bunch of stuff. Gross.
(Sorry tmi).

I just read something: "I take rumors as compliments." LOL!
I LOVE IT.

She made a point about assumptions...
People can THINK that they know... 
BUT DO THEY?

Anyway... She was talking about how some women....
TEND TO COMPETE AND GET JEALOUS ETC.

A long time ago.... I used to get jealous... 
At school I had a crush on a guy
who had a crush on a chick.

I hated her. She didn't do anything to me.
I hated her because I wanted "dude" to like me.
But he didn't. 

It was... Bad. Like.... Really bad. 

I remember that, though.
FEELING LIKE THAT AND ACTING LIKE THAT.
AND THINKING LIKE THAT.

I don't get jealous anymore. 
I forget how I "broke the habit"
BUT IT WAS A HABIT. 
HABIT OF THINKING "JEALOUS" THOUGHTS.
HABIT OF FEELING "JEALOUS."
HABIT OF ACTING "JEALOUS."

IT WAS A HABIT. 

Anyway... I did get over that guy....
OBVIOUSLY... 
WAS SO LONG AGO LOL. 

But that was way back then....
BEFORE I THOUGHT A LOT ABOUT THAT
AND SOME OTHER THINGS...

But I did break that habit. 

Wish I could remember how... 
But I did become extremely secure. 
Emotionally.... 

To the point that I don't feel, think, or act like that anymore. 
It didn't feel good. It felt crappy. 
It didn't LOOK good, either. 

All good... It was a learning experience, I guess.
Learning about myself. 
Learning about emotional management etc. 

I wish I could remember how I broke that habit
because I'd write about it. 

Might help someone overcome their habits... 

But... It's been a very long time! I'm getting OLD lol. 

Anyway, I can use the internet at the library until I can get the net. 
I didn't have the net when I first moved here... 
I managed without it. 

I went without using the internet for 6 months... Once.
The hardest part was wanting to look things up on Google. 
After a while it was okay!

Just did a bunch of "offline" stuff.
I knit more, I listened to music, I read more... 
I just did other stuff. 

It went well. And then, I got the net back
and been spending a lot of time online...

Maybe a break is what I needed?
So.... I'll keep going....
Until I have to take a break... 

BUT... I'll be back... Eventually...
And... By then... My head will likely be clearer... 

And I'll have other things to write about....
Other than the things that I've been processing lately. 

Just a bunch of changes to make and adapt to. 
It'll be okay. I'll get things figured out... 

Just not everything RIGHT IN THIS MOMENT.
I have to drop it until I can focus on it. 

Yes, extra stuff, important stuff... 
Can be kind of stressful to figure out... 
But... I can manage that.

I'd rather not have to, but I do. I'll do it.

"A CHANGE WILL DO YOU GOOD."

Lots of changes can do us good. 
Like breaking crappy habits... 

Habits can "run automatically."
Muscle memory even... 

PROGRAMMING. 

But it doesn't mean that we need to have or keep them. 
There are helpful habits and habits that don't help us. 

A lot of my habits were not helping me. 
Some of my habits need to change, still, but...

I have broken some that I needed to. 
I have made some progress. 

Slow progress, I guess, but some progress....
IS BETTER THAN NONE. 

Who knows where I'm going to be in 5 years from now?
I could be out of this place, debt free, eating good... Etc. 

Who knows? Could even go better than I had hoped. Right?

I won't know, until I see how it goes. 

What They Don't Say

What they don't say is WHAT THEY DID TO ME.
OR HOW THEY TREATED ME.
ONLY DEFLECTING.
DISHONESTY.

When they are in DENIAL.....
1) THEY DON'T SEE THE TRUTH FOR WHAT IT IS
2) THEY REFUSE TO SEE IT

"SOMEONE IS EXPERIENCING WHAT THEY PUT YOU THROUGH."

TRY TO FK WITH SOMEONE'S REPUTATION, 
YOU'LL GET YOURS FKD WITH.

PEOPLE WHO SIDE WITH PEOPLE DOING THAT SH*T
ARE ONLY THERE WHEN THEY THINK SOMEONE IS WINNING.
WHEN THEY ARE NOT WINNING, 
THEY ARE NOWHERE TO BE SEEN.

Anyway.... I outta just let this sh*t go again.
I ALREADY HAD.

HE WOULD HAVE HURT ME WAY WORSE IN THE LONG RUN.
I CAN SAY THE SAME FOR THE OTHER SELFISH FKRS.

I GOT OUT WHEN I HAD TO.
I'M OKAY WITH THAT.

When people think about the WRONG THINGS....
ALL THE TIME.....

THEY DON'T THINK ABOUT THE RIGHT THINGS.

STATUS, RESPECT, REPUTATION.

These things..... Aren't all that important.
THEY CAN BE LOST.
THEY CAN BE DESTROYED.
THEY CAN BE TEMPORARY.

ALSO..... THE PEOPLE WHO WANT THESE THINGS.....
PUT TOO MUCH "IMPORTANCE" ON THEM.

STATUS ONLY MATTERS....
IF YOU THINK IT'LL GET YOU THINGS.

WHAT THINGS? SUPERFICIAL THINGS.

RESPECT..... IS SOMETHING COMMANDED.
NOT DEMANDED.

RESPECT IS SOMETHING YOU CAN LOSE.
AND ONCE YOU DO.... CAN YOU GET IT BACK?

NO? THEN IF IT IS SO IMPORTANT.... KEEP IT!

REPUTATION...... CAN BE DESTROYED
TRYING TO DESTROY SOMEONE ELSE'S.

BECAUSE PEOPLE SEE THAT SH*T.

IF THEY TRY TO GO FOR A***'S REP....
THEY'LL TRY TO GO FOR MINE, TOO.

YES, THEY WILL. 

EVERYONE WHO WOULD LIE TO YOU, 
WILL LIKELY LIE ABOUT YOU!!!!!

TO MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE "THE PROBLEM."
WHEN..... THEY WERE ACTUALLY FKN ABUSING YOU. 
MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY
WITH FKN GAMES AND BS.

AND WHEN YOU CATCH THEM:
"YOU'RE TOXIC" DEFLECTION.

EVEN THOUGH HE BLOCKED ME....
HIS MESSAGES ARE STILL THERE.

WHICH MEANS THEY ARE EVIDENCE
OF HOW HE TREATED ME.

AND KEPT TREATING ME.

THE SAME WAY HE TREATED ME BACK THEN.

HE WANTED TO BE "ALPHA."
DID HE WANT TO BE UNDERSTANDING?
DECENT? CARING? 
OR INSULTING AND ABUSIVE?

YES, I CALLED IT OUT. I HAD TO. 
OR HE WOULD HAVE KEPT GOING.
THINKING I'D PLAY HIS GAME SOME MORE.

SO I HAD TO SHOW HIM: NOPE.

HE CAN'T DEAL WITH HIS VANITY AND IGNORANCE.
BUT IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM THAT HE CAN'T. 
IT'S NOT SOMETHING I CAN "FIX."
OR WANT TO. 

SHOULDN'T BE EXPECTED TO, EITHER.

NOT WANTING TO GO BACK TO BS ISN'T ME
"DISRESPECTING HIM."
CALLING HIM OUT ISN'T 
"DISRESPECTING HIM."

IF I WANTED TO DISRESPECT HIM:
I'D LIE TO HIS FACE LIKE HE DID TO ME.
I'D STAND HIM UP LIKE HE DID TO ME.
I'D HAVE BEEN OUT THERE FKING AROUND.... RIGHT?
I'D HAVE TREATED HIM THE WAY HE DID TO ME.
I'D PUT HIM ON THE SHELF.
AND I'D BLAME HIM FOR ALL THAT BS, TOO.
JUST TO TRY TO MAKE HIM FEEL "LESS THAN."
ON TOP OF ALL THE BS.

AM I BLAMING HIM
FOR ANYTHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH ME?
OR AM I HOLDING HIM TO
EVERYTHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH HIM?

THERE IS A DIFFERENCE. A BIG DIFFERENCE!

BECAUSE HE BLAMES ME FOR HIS SH*T.....
TO MINIMIZE AND DEFLECT HIS SH*T.

I HOLD HIM TO IT
BECAUSE HIS SH*T..... IS SH*T.

IF I HAD ANYTHING TO BE HELD TO..... DO IT!
AM I MATURE ENOUGH NOT TO DEFLECT?
AM I MATURE ENOUGH TO THINK ABOUT IT?
AM I MATURE ENOUGH TO NOT MAKE MY ISSUES
HIS ISSUES?

HE WASN'T "OBLIVIOUS" TO WHAT HE WAS DOING.
HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING BECAUSE HE CHOSE IT.

MAD AT ME BECAUSE HE CHOSE WRONG?
IS THAT MY FAULT? NO?

HE DID THAT SH*T OUT OF SPITE, AND HE KNOWS IT.
WOULD I WANT SOMEONE WHO SPITES ME?
JUST BECAUSE THEY CAN'T HANDLE THEIR OWN SH*T?

SHOULD I? NO. GROSS.

SOME OF THE DAMAGE WAS POSSIBLY UNINTENTIONAL....
BUT MOST OF IT WAS DEFINITELY INTENTIONAL.

HE THOUGHT THAT WHAT HE CHOSE WAS WORTH IT.
SO.... OKAY! STAND ON IT, THEN.

WHY TRY TALKING TO ME 12 YEARS LATER?
IF YOU DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO BE DECENT TO ME?

*BLOCK* SILENT TREATMENT FOR 12 YEARS.

MAYBE I'LL HERE FROM HIM IN ANOTHER 12 YEARS LOL!
WHEN I'M 54! LOL!

THEN HE'LL DO IT AGAIN! LOL!

WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS IN 2038 LOL.

If anything, but 24 years is too late for an apology....

AND IF IT'S FOLLOWED BY INSULTS, IT'S NOT A REAL ONE.

Tried to outsmart me with semantics... 
No. I see you twisting things. 
If you twist it, I'll set it straight.

Not that I have to, but I will, usually. 

Unless I could not be bothered. 

"A***'S WORTHLESS. I CAN DO BETTER."
OKAY. 

BUT, IF I WASN'T WHAT YOU WANTED.....
FIND WHAT YOU WANT.

BUT..... DON'T BETRAY ME OR BURN A BRIDGE.
JUST.... BE..... HONEST.

THAT WAS ALL.

AND WHEN THAT PERSON WASN'T "THE PERSON"
YOU CAN'T TRY TO SWING BACK LOL.

Like..... It would be like.... Me....
If I did that.... If I fkd around with him....
And then... DISCARDED HIM....
Then.... 12 years later.... 

"Just saying hello."

WTF WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT????!!!!

Refuses to take accountability and ARGUES
WITH WHAT? THE FACTS?

AND I BET HE'S LEADING SOMEONE ON RIGHT NOW!
WHILE "JUST SAYING HELLO" TO ME.
Why bother? 12 years later? WTF?

BECAUSE I WAS R.O.D?
YEAH BECAUSE I WAS INTERESTED AND THOUGHT....
THINGS COULD BE WORTHWHILE....
BUT.... THINGS.... WENT.... THE WAY.....
THEY.... WENT.

SWITCHED UP ON ME.
WASN'T THE FIRST ONE TO DO IT, THOUGH.
WASN'T THE LAST ONE.

MIRROR SMASHER WAS THE LAST BS.
AND IT MADE ME REALIZE: FK THIS SH*T.

TOO MUCH BS, IMMATURITY, JUST.... 
TOO MUCH.

I THINK "I'M GOOD" WHEN IT COMES TO THAT.
TOO MANY BS "SURPRISES" I DIDN'T SEE COMING.
I DIDN'T DESERVE THAT SH*T. 

It's okay not to be on the same page.....
BUT..... BS..... IS..... BS.

I'm tired! My "love life" IS SH*************TTTTTT!
SO WHY NOT JUST...... BE ALONE? LOL.
EASIER. LESS ARGUMENTS.
I CAN TALK TO MYSELF.
I CAN ACTUALLY GET SOMEWHERE.
I CAN RESPECT MYSELF.
I CAN BE HONEST WITH MYSELF.

Is there a "player" handbook?
Like "When in doubt, deflect"?
Or some sh*t like that? Curious.

Pretty sure d*cks teach other dudes to be d*cks. 
Like D*CK CULTURE.
OR SOME SH*T.

Some hoes probably do the same sh*t, though.
"This is how to be a gold digger" Or some BS...

Ever see those videos? The ones about exposing gold diggers?
Where they record how hoes act around a dude with cashola?

My reaction: "Good for you, dude. I'm happy for you."

Because what am I suppsed to do?
Want something that I don't gaf about?

Been surviving so long that it's fkn good enough for me.
If I have basics covered... I'm good, right?

My friend and I were outside recently. 
He saw a fancy vehicle he likes. 

I said "That thing?" 
To be sure I knew it was indeed "that thing" he was talking about... 

The dude driving it heard me call it "that thing" and gave me a look lol.

Like "this not cool enough for you?" Or something... 

I call things.... "Things."
It could be a vehicle or another thing...
"Thing" is a placeholder.

It wasn't that the dude's vehicle wasn't "fancy enough"
or whatever... Cool. "Bravo on your "thing.""

But, to me.... A vehicle is a vehicle.
Whether it's a Jag or a Toyota lol. 
IT GETS YOU WHERE YOU WANT TO GO.
AND I'M COOL WITH THAT.

Honestly, I have never owned a car.
I never bothered to learn to drive. 

I stay home a lot anyway... 

I WALK A LOT, LONG DISTANCES.
MY LEGS AND FEET STILL WORK.
AND "GAS" IS FREE LOL.

One of my relatives likes to do hikes. 
He did this huge one last year.
He hiked from the border or Mexico back to Canada.
Wild trip he did! He recorded it, though. 
Got to see some of it. 

Took like 3 months or something....
To do the whole trip. 
He stopped in towns along the way... 
It was a trail with other hikers etc. 

He seemed to have a good time!
Something like a "bucket list" thing. 

Anyway... Something to tell you....
Ego-driven people will refuse to just let you move on...
BECAUSE TO THEM: "SHE'S PRETENDING TO BE DONE."
PROJECT: "IF I ACT UNBOTHERED, SHE WILL BE BOTHERED."

BUT.... NO. IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.

ACTUALLY UNBOTHERED. UNINTERESTED.

BECAUSE EGO-DRIVEN PEOPLE....
THINK "SHE'LL BE STUCK ON ME IF I IGNORE HER."

NO. SOME PEOPLE..... ACTUALLY..... MOVE ON. 

I EVEN FKN DATED!!!!!!!!! AFTER HIM!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT DOES THAT SAY?

"HOT AND COLD" TURNS ME OFF.
IT IS IMMATURE. IT IS GROSS. NOT FOR ME.
NO THANKS.

AND THEY DO THAT SH*T TO CREATE "TRAUMA BONDS."
BUT TO ME: BS GAMES. YUCK.

THEY THINK THAT IF THEY DON'T GIVE YOU CLOSURE, 
OR APOLOGIZE, OR GIVE YOU AN EXPLANATION....
YOU'D BE STUCK.

DO YOU NEED ANY OF THOSE TO KNOW:
FK THIS, I DON'T DESERVE IT. 

HE THINKS: "SHE'LL THINK SHE'S IMPORT TO ME IF I TRY TO COME BACK."
NO. I WASN'T. 
BECAUSE OF THE BS GAMES THAT WERE BS.

THEY THINK DIFFERENTLY THAN MOST PEOPLE DO.
THEY PROJECT THEMSELVES ON SOMEONE ELSE. 

THEY'LL TRY TO MANIPULATE ACCORDING TO 
WHO THEY ARE.

IT WOULD WORK ON SOMEONE LIKE THEM
BECAUSE IT WOULD WORK ON THEM.

BUT MOST SANE PEOPLE SEE THROUGH THAT SH*T.
AND OBVIOUSLY GET WAY TURNED OFF BY IT. 

"I'LL GHOST HER WHEN SHE'S INVESTED."
THINKING I'M HOOKED. NO.
WAS. UNTIL.... THEIR BS.

THEY SHOW ENOUGH ABOUT THEMSELVES....
THINGS THAT I UNDERSTAND.
THAT THEY THINK I DON'T... 

IF HE WANTED TO KEEP MY INTEREST.....
HE DIDN'T. 

AND WHEN SOMEONE IS UNINTERESTED IN AN EGO-DRIVEN PERSON....
THAT IS THE WORST FOR THEM!

It's a tactic that they use... Pretending to be uninterested. 
But for them, they do care, they pretend they don't. 

But.... Pretending they don't.... IS A TURN OFF.

OKAY. YOU DON'T CARE? THEN WHY SHOULD I?

THAT'S THE REACTION THEY GET.

NOT: "PLEASE CARE ABOUT ME!!!!!"
OR WHATEVER VALIDATION SEEKING 
THEY WANTED.

BUT WHEN YOU ARE ACTUALLY NOT INTERESTED....
THAT SEEMS TO DRIVE THEM NUTS!

BECAUSE THEY WANT YOU TO BE.... BUT YOU'RE NOT!
BUT WHY? WHY ARE YOU NOT?

BECAUSE WHY WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN BS?

THEY WANT TO WIN A "GAME."
THAT'S ALL THEY ARE. GAME PLAYERS.
THEY HAVE EGO-WOUNDS.....
EGO-BRUISES....

AND WHEN SOMEONE BUSTS THEIR EGO....
THEY WANT TO "WIN" SO THEY CAN BOOST THEIR EGO BACK UP.

EGO-DRIVEN PEOPLE WANT TO BE CHASED.
THEY WANT TO BE COMPETED FOR.
FOUGHT FOR.

THEY PLAY GAMES TO TRY TO "TRAUMA BOND."

THAT'S NOT WHAT I'D "SETTLE FOR."
WHY "SETTLE" FOR SOMETHING ONE-SIDED.
IF IT'S NOT "HEALTHY & FUN".... IT'S NOT FOR ME.

ABUSIVE BS... 
IS ABUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IT DOESN'T MAKE ME WANT THEM.

I'M NOT "DESPERATE TO GET HIM BACK"
OR HE WOULD HAVE HEARD FROM ME...
I WOULD HAVE CHASED. I DON'T CHASE.

I LET THEM RUN AWAY AND STAY AWAY.

"THEY NEED YOU TO ADMIRE THEM.
THEN THEY'LL END IT AGAIN."

JUST WANTED CONTROL OVER ME.

THEIR EGO CANNOT STAND "INDIFFERENCE."
THAT'S WHY I WASN'T "ALLOWED" TO MOVE ON.
OTHERWISE HE WOULD HAVE LET ME...
AND NOT TRIED HIS SH*T AGAIN.
RIGHT?

BUT WHEN I SAW WHAT I SAW....
IT DID WHAT IT DID.

AND I HAD TO DO WHAT I HAD TO DO....

BUT HE HAS A GRUDGE OR SOMETHING.... 
BECAUSE I DIDN'T FKN BOTHER AND DON'T WANT TO.
BECAUSE I AM CONTENT ON MY OWN.

LIKE LIVING MY OWN LIFE IS A BETRAYAL.
AFTER BEING DISCARDED?

WHEN SOMEONE LOVEBOMBS YOU....
THEY REACT THE WAY THEY THINK THAT YOU WANT THEM TO.

IT'S NOT AUTHENTICTY. IT'S FAKE.

AND THEY THINK WHAT YOU WANT
IS WHAT THEY WOULD WANT. 

THEY DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT YOU WANT
BECAUSE THEY DON'T CARE TO UNDERSTAND YOU. 

AND IF THEY ARE ARROGANT AND ENTITLED....
THEY DEFINITELY DO NOT CONSIDER WHAT YOU WANT.
OR ANYTHING ABOUT YOU....

BECAUSE IT'S NOT ACTUALLY ABOUT.... YOU.
IT'S ABOUT GETTING SOMETHING THEY WANT
FROM YOU. 

And they will try to get you BACK to REJECT YOU, 
TO NOT FEEL REJECTED BY YOU. 

BECAUSE THEY CANNOT HANDLE IT. 
REJECTION IS "DEFEAT" IN THEIR "POWER GAME."
INDIFFERENCE IS A FORM OF REJECTION ALSO. 
TO THEM. 

IT HITS A "REJECTION WOUND."

TRYING TO MANIPULATE MY FEELINGS
ACCORDING TO WHO THEY ARE.... 

IS WILD. BUT, THEY DO THAT.

AND THEY THINK THAT WILL WORK.

IF I AM JUST MYSELF AND THAT DOESN'T WORK...
OKAY. BUT IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO "WORK"
BECAUSE IT'S NOT A "TACTIC."

IT'S JUST.... BEING.... MYSELF. 
THERE'S NO PRETENSES. NONE OF THAT.

BECAUSE I AM NOT TRYING TO GAIN ANYTHING. 
NEVER WAS. 

THERE ARE NO GAMES FOR ME TO PLAY
OR THAT I WANT TO PLAY....

THEY THOUGHT ME BEING UNBOTHERED
WAS TO TRY TO MANIPULATE HIM. 

IT WASN'T AND ISN'T.

A***, IF YOU'RE UNBOTHERED....
WHY ARE YOU WRITING ABOUT HIM?

It's just to process things on my side... 
Get things out of my system... 
Make some points. 

Like how I proccessed sh*t after Mirror Smasher... 
Stuff like that. And I moved on from that.
Barely mention him at all. 

Unless it's to make a point. 

He's allowed to live his life.
I am allowed to live mine. 

We were not on the same page and we're not going to be.
That is good to know, right?

WOULDN'T YOU RATHER KNOW?
THAT YOU'RE INCAPATIBLE?

AND IF YOU ARE, YOU ARE!

JUST THAT!

THAT SHOULD BE OKAY!
BUT IT IS BETTER TO JUST.... KNOW THAT.

KNOWING THAT IS ENOUGH FOR ME.

The manipulation game:
"They need you to be DESPERATE after "losing" them."
BUT YOU DON'T LOSE SOMEONE
WHO WAS TRYING TO MANIPULATE YOU!

THEY JUST WANT TO REGAIN CONTROL. 
THAT'S ALL THAT THEY WANT!

Look at egomaniacs for example.... 
Like dictators... For an example....

THEY WANT TO BE ADMIRED.
THEY NEED ADMIRATION.

THEY NEED TO BE.... ADORED.
LOVED BY ALL. 

LOOK AT HITLER, AS AN EXAMPLE.... 
ALL THAT PROPAGANDA....
HAD GERMANY LOVING HIM... 

I CAN THINK OF SOME MORE RECENT EXAMPLES...

BUT HE IS AN EXAMPLE.

THERE ARE STILL SOME PEOPLE TODAY
WHO HAVE THAT MENTALITY, TOO.