Defending Disinterest

It bugs me... HAVING TO EXPLAIN SOME THINGS.

OKAY? IT DOES.

YET, IT SEEMS I HAVE TO.

I lost my "desire" for or "interest" in s*x. 

Someone asked me today.... A dude....
He asked me why I told him that s*x is overrated. 

HE WAS TRYING TO JUSTIFY IT
IN HIS HEAD OR SOMETHING.

He was like: "I'm curious about something."
AS SOON AS HE SAID THAT....
I KNEW IT HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH S*X.

IT DID.

AND I KNOW IT HAS MORE TO DO WITH SOMETHING ELSE
THAN WITH "CURIOSITY."

THERE ARE REASONS PEOPLE ASK THINGS.
THEY WANT TO KNOW!

OR????? THEY WOULDN'T ASK.

I tried the knitting analogy.

I asked him if it made sense.

HE SAID IT DIDN'T....
BECAUSE "THEY DON'T COMPARE."

So I told him.....
IT'D BE LIKE ME ASKING HIM KNITTING QUESTIONS
WHEN HE DOESN'T KNIT.

And I pointed out.... That HE'S ALLOWED TO NOT WANT TO KNIT.

WELL, SAME FOR ME.
I'M ALLOWED NOT TO WANT TO BOINK.

PRETTY EASY TO FIGURE THAT OUT.

BUT SINCE KNITTING AND S*X ARE "DIFFERENT...."
HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THAT.

DOES HE HAVE THE DESIRE TO KNIT?

IS HE ALLOWED NOT TO HAVE THAT DESIRE?
OR AN INTEREST IN IT?

YEAH????

THEN????

HOW IS THAT ANY "DIFFERENT"?

He was like: "You never had sensual s*x?"

WHY DOES HE WANT TO KNOW THAT?????

SO IF I SAY I HAVEN'T.... HE COULD "OFFER"? 

SEE WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

IF I WAS A DUDE.... WOULD HE BE ASKING ME
ABOUT MY S*X LIFE?

AT ALL??????

HE PROBABLY WOULDN'T ASK ME!!!!!!

RIGHT?????

AND FRAMING IT AS CURIOSITY GRINDS MY NERVES.
WE BOTH KNOW IT ISN'T "CURIOSITY."

IF HE'S ASKING ME THOSE QUESTIONS....
HE'S THE ONE WITH THE INTEREST!
NOT ME!

SO WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THAT????

Should I have to "explain" my disinterest?

TO EVERYONE WHO CAN'T FATHOM IT?

SHOULD IT BE HARD FOR ME TO FATHOM
THAT NOT EVERYONE KNITS?
OR HAS AN INTEREST IN IT?

NO????

THEN WHY IS IT HARD TO FATHOM....
SOMEONE NOT BEING INTERESTED IN S*X?

BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. 

GAVE BIRTH. 

NOT THAT I REGRET BEING A MOM.....

JUST.... I AM ALLOWED....
TO NOT WANT TO BOINK CONSTANTLY....
OR EVEN AT ALL!

AND ASKING ME ABOUT IT......
"OUT OF CURIOSITY"
ISN'T GOING TO GET ME TO BE INTERESTED IN IT.

SO I DON'T KNOW..... WHY HE EVEN WANTS TO KNOW....
ABOUT MY "S*X LIFE."

FKN WEIRD IF YOU ASK ME.

IF I WANTED TO TELL HIM ALL ABOUT IT, I WOULD.....
RIGHT?

IF IT WAS ANY OF HIS BUSINESS.... RIGHT?

BUT????? IT ISN'T!

"WHY DO YOU THINK LIKE THAT?"

WHEN I TRIED TO EXPLAIN IT THE FIRST TIME.

"WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME???!!!"

AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK "LIKE YOU"????
AND WANT S*X FOR THE SAKE OF WANTING IT????

Drives me up a fkn wall!!!!!!

DO I GO AROUND ASKING EVERYONE....
WHAT'S UP WITH THEIR INTERESTS?

SO THEN?????

"WHAT'S UP WITH YOUR DISINTEREST?"
BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO "JUSTIFY"
DISINTEREST. 

SOMEHOW.

Instead of????? Just.... Realizing....
I should be ALLOWED to just..... Not GAF about it.

Just like they should be ALLOWED not to GAF 
ABOUT ANY OF MY INTERESTS.

Really just THAT simple.

So then I have to EXPLAIN it
YET AGAIN..... 

WHEN IT ISN'T EVEN ANY OF THEIR BUSINESS!
RIGHT?!

Drives me bananas. Tired of it.

Does the TOPIC of s*x HAVE TO come up?
JUST BECAUSE I'M A FEMALE?

BECAUSE.... PRETTY SURE....
IF I WAS A DUDE.....

OTHER DUDES.... WOULD NOT GAF
ABOUT MY S*X LIFE!!!!!!!!!

AT ALL!!!!! 

So maybe that's what bugs me.

And trying to HIDE behind CURIOSITY....
BUGS ME.

Curiosity is an excuse to ask.
NOT THE ENTIRE REASON. 

And I asked him why he wanted to know.
He said that he had never had anyone tell him it was overrated before.

Maybe not.... BUT THE REAL REASON....
HE WAS TRYING TO JUSTIFY IT IN HIS HEAD.

AND COULDN'T.
BECAUSE HE COULDN'T FATHOM IT.

That's why.
And didn't want to say that.

ARE MY OTHER "FRIENDS"
"CURIOUS" ABOUT MY S*X LIFE? NO????

THEY NEVER ASK ME ABOUT S*X?
EVER?

HMMM.

WHY IS THAT????

BECAUSE I AM A FRIEND.
NOT A CONQUEST. 

AND DEFENDING MY DISINTEREST
MAKES ME SEEM HOSTILE ABOUT IT....

OR DEFENSIVE....

BUT.... I SHOULD BE ALLOWED....
TO JUST.... NOT BE INTERESTED.

AND ALLOWED NOT TO EVEN WANT
TO DISCUSS IT OR WHY. 

BUT??????? 

WHAT SEEMS TO HAPPEN????

JUST FOR BEING A FEMALE?

My friend.... The other night....
He was saying... 

That because women wanted to be LIBERATED.....
THEY "SHOULD BE" OPEN-MINDED.

LIBERATION WAS ABOUT "RIGHTS."

I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN THAT.

IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT "OPEN-MINDED" WOMEN
HAVE TO BE INTERESTED IN S*X. 

OR ANYTHING THAT THEY DON'T HAVE AN INTEREST IN.

LIKE: OBJECTIFICATION.

IT'D BE LIKE.... IF WOMEN DID ALL THE FKD UP
CREEPY STUFF TO MEN
THAT MEN DO TO WOMEN.

WOULD THEY LIKE THAT SH*T????
PROBABLY NOT.

THEY MIGHT EVEN GET "TURNED OFF" BY IT.
RIGHT?

WELL THEN????? 
WHEN WOMEN GET TURNED OFF BY IT....

MEN HAVE TO "JUSTIFY" IT?????

AND WOMEN HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHY?????

AND THEY STILL DON'T GET IT????

Surprised It Went Up That High

Surprised the views went up that high. 
They are coming back down like I knew they would.
Just surprised they went up that high. 

Wasn't expecting that at all. 

A LOT I WASN'T EXPECTING....
ESPECIALLY THE LAST 12 YEARS...

But... I had to learn something because of all of it.
SUCKS TO HAVE TO LEARN THAT WAY....

BUT.... OKAY. 

Learned about some people....
WHO I THOUGHT WERE DIFFERENT
FROM WHAT THEY SHOWED ME... 

Was asked some things for a reason...
I asked why: "Just curious."

No. There was another reason other than that.
Curiosity is a "blanket reason."

WHEN YOU DON'T WANT TO SAY THE ACTUAL REASON.

I know that there was another reason....
Other than curiosity. 

"Do you ever get lonely?"

NO.... BUT.... WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?

ASKED.... BECAUSE.... HE WANTED TO KNOW.

BECAUSE IF I DID.... HE COULD OFFER?
AND IF I ASKED WHY...
HE COULD JUST SAY HE WAS CURIOUS?

DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW THAT?
FOR "NO REASON"?

JUST OUT OF "CURIOSITY"?

No. There was a reason for that PARTICULAR QUESTION. 

Maybe in my 20s.... But????? What were my 20s like?
BECAUSE OF BEING "LONELY"? LOL.

YEAH. THAT'S WHAT.

"LONELINESS" ISN'T A GOOD ENOUGH REASON
FOR ME TO BE INTERESTED IN ANY OF THAT.

IT WASN'T THEN, AND IT ISN'T NOW.

EVEN SEEING "POTENTIAL" ISN'T A GOOD ENOUGH "REASON."

I DON'T HAVE A GOOD ENOUGH REASON.

AND AM ALLOWED TO JUST....
NOT BE INTERESTED.

AND HE WANTED TO MAKE IT ABOUT....
BEING "HURT" TOO MANY TIMES.

NOT THAT.
I'M MORE FKN DISAPPOINTED THAN "HURT."

I'M NOT IN "PAIN" OVER ANY FKR....
WHO JUST WANTED TO PLAY GAMES.

DISAPPOINTED????? YEAH. 

AND IF THEY TRUST THE WRONG PERSON....
OVER ME.... 

THAT IS NOT MY PROBLEM!!!!! NOT AT ALL.

THEY CAN DISAPPOINT THEMSELVES FOR ALL I CARE.

AND EVERYONE WHO DISAPPOINTS THEM.... 
THEY CAN HAVE THAT.

ESPECIALLY.... IF THEY DO THINGS
THAT I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE.

I'M OKAY WITH THAT.

But... I know why.... People ask questions.

BECAUSE THEY WANT TO KNOW.
AND WHY THEY WANT TO KNOW.....
HAS TO DO WITH SOMETHING.

IF THEY DON'T WANT TO BE HONEST ABOUT IT...

THAT MAKES ME QUESTION
THEIR QUESTIONS EVEN MORE!

And if they convince themselves that I'm not interested
BECAUSE I'VE BEEN "HURT"

THERE ISN'T ANYTHING I CAN FKN SAY
BECAUSE THEY ALREADY
CONVINCED THEMSELVES OF THAT.

AND THEY'LL CONVINCE THEMSELVES
OF OTHER THINGS, TOO. 

NOT HERE TO CONVINCE ANYONE
OF ANYTHING.
EVEN MY REASONS
THAT I'M NOT INTERESTED. 

1) I AM ALLOWED NOT TO BE INTERESTED.

Good enough reason, eh?
I think so!!!!!

Does some "need" to have been "hurt"
TO JUST NOT BE INTERESTED?
IN HAVING S*X?

OR.... COULD THEY....
JUST.... NOT BE.... INTERESTED.... IN THAT?

COULD THEY... JUST BE ALLOWED THAT?

ALLOWED NOT TO BE INTERESTED IN THAT?

Put it this way:

IS EVERYONE INTERESTED IN KNITTING? NO?
WELP.... NOT EVERYONE IS INTERESTED IN S*X!!!!!!

AMAZING!

ARE PEOPLE ALLOWED NOT TO BE INTERESTED IN KNITTING?
YEAH? THEY ARE????

THEN.... WHY CAN'T PEOPLE NOT BE INTERESTED IN S*X?

DO THEY HAVE TO HAVE A "REASON"
LIKE: "THEY MUST HAVE BEEN HURT TOO MANY TIMES"?

TO MAKE IT MAKE SENSE TO THEMSELVES....

"I'M INTERESTED... SO IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE WHY THEY AREN'T."

WOULD IT MAKE SENSE TO ME, AS A KNITTER
THAT KNITTING ISN'T INTERESTING TO EVERYONE?

WELP, SAME THING. 

IT'D BE LIKE.... IF I ASSUMED THAT BECAUSE KNITTING
IS SUPER INTERESTING TO ME....
THAT IT WOULD INTEREST EVERYONE....

IT DOESN'T. RIGHT?

ARE THERE OTHER THINGS TO THINK ABOUT?
OTHER THAN KNITTING? YEAH?

WELL... THERE ARE OTHER THINGS
TO THINK ABOUT....
OTHER THAN S*X. 

BUT..... 

HOW TF DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT TO ANYONE?
WHO MAKES ASSUMPTIONS....
ABOUT ME....
AND MY REASONS FOR ANYTHING?

COULD THEY HAVE ASKED?

"IS IT BECAUSE YOU WERE HURT?
BECAUSE USUALLY THAT'S WHAT IT IS."

YOU CAN'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
ABOUT MY REASONS
BASED ON OTHER PEOPLE'S REASONS.

THAT'D BE LIKE.....
ALL PEOPLE WHO AREN'T INTERESTED IN KNITTING....
ARE "HURT" 
OR "HATE ART"
OR WHATEVER TF "THE USUAL REASON" IS.

SEE HOW SILLY THAT IS? IT'S SILLY.

LIKE ASSUMING I'M "TOXIC"
FOR HAVING BOUNDARIES....
AND NOT BEING INTERESTED IN BS.

WHY? DIDN'T GET WHAT THEY WANTED?

AND I OWE THEM WHAT????! ANYTHING? NO?????
DIDN'T OWE ANYTHING? OR A SECOND CHANCE?
AFTER THAT SH*T?

SO THEN?????? WHY WANT ANYTHING FROM ME????

DO I WANT ANYTHING FROM HIM?
WHAT DID I EVEN WANT????? HMMM?

DID ANYONE KNOW? NO??????

SO THEY CAN'T ASSUME FK ALL....
AND THEN ASSUME THEIR ASSUMPTIONS ARE FACTS... 

SILLY! 

Like as silly as it was to think that having ANY feelings
"MUST HAVE MEANT I WAS DESPERATE."
So why not TREAT ME AS THOUGH I was????!
Fk that sh*t. 

If I was SO DESPERATE... Why am I doing so much better on my own?

Hmmm?

I don't have to convince anyone of anything about me.
Just so damn silly to assume things......

IT ISN'T ACTUALLY FAIR....
AND THAT IS WHAT P*SSED ME OFF.
IF ANYTHING.

NOT BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T FEEL HOW I FELT.
I'M A BIG GIRL.

AND IT'S NOT LIKE I'M ATTRACTED TO EVERYONE, EITHER.

I CAN UNDERSTAND IF SOMEONE
ISN'T ATTRACTED TO ME
OR SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

BUT ALL THEY HAD TO DO......
WAS WHAT??????? TELL ME THAT!!!!!!!!!!

NO NEED TO FK ACT LIKE A D*CK 
ABOUT THAT OR ANYTHING ELSE.

RIGHT?

SHOULD I BE A B*TCH TO SOMEONE?
JUST BECAUSE I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO THEM?

WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

COULDN'T I JUST BE HONEST? ABOUT ANYTHING?

SHOULDN'T I BE?

BUT... I DON'T HAVE TO BE A B*TCH ABOUT THAT.
OR ANYTHING ELSE....

SO???? THEN?????
DO THEY HAVE TO TRY TO BE A D*CK TO ME??????
ABOUT THAT?????

OR ANYTHING ELSE?????

WHEN THEY COULD...... JUST BE HONEST?

I'VE BEEN MINIMIZED BY DUDES BEFORE.
BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T ATTRACTED TO ME.
WASN'T THEIR TYPE. 

AND IF I WASN'T..... THEY SHOULD HAVE....
JUST TOLD ME THAT.

INSTEAD OF..... MINIMIZING ME.

IN THE WAYS THEY DID THAT. 

OKAY?


I was talking to my neighbor tonight about guys. 
HE IS A GUY.

WHAT HE SAID... HE NAILED IT.

HE SAID THAT GUYS DON'T HAVE TO TRY TO "JUSTIFY" A NO.
THEY JUST HAVE TO UNDERSTAND IT.

THEIR EGOS ARE SO BIG THEY "CAN'T" ACCEPT IT.

I watched that video.... I don't know if I wrote about it yet...
A woman was on her motorcycle.
A guy approached her for her number.
She didn't want to give it to him.
Said she would give him her Instagram name or whatever.
He didn't want that.
And still didn't give him her number.
He goes: "Why you tryna be funny?"
She said she wasn't.

HE THREW WATER IN HER FACE!

WTF IS THAT SH*T?

IF THERE IS A REASON.... THERE IS ONE.
ACCEPT THAT AS A FACT.
BECAUSE IT IS A FACT.

AND IF IT'S A FACT..... JUST FK OFF WITH THAT FACT.
JUST THAT.

I might have written about this a while back....

When that guy was following me... 

I had an appointment. He followed me into that building.
And pretended to have an appointment.
Waiting for me to have mine.
And followed me OUT OF THE BUILDING.
THAT'S HOW I KNEW HE WAS LYING.
ABOUT HIS APPOINTMENT.
HE WOULD HAVE STAYED FOR IT.

WTF IS THAT SH*T? IT'S DISTURBING. 
DEEPLY. 

HE WANTED SOMETHING FROM ME.
I KEPT WALKING AWAY, SAYING "NO."

LOST HIM SOMEHOW. 

IT WAS KINDA SCARY.

IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. LIKE THAT.

IF NOBODY HAD BEEN AROUND?

IF HE HAD CATCHED UP TO ME?

I'D HAVE TO HURT THE GUY.
I DON'T LIKE HURTING PEOPLE.

I DON'T ENJOY IT.
I DON'T GET ANYTHING FROM IT.
OTHER THAN PROTECTION. 

THAT'S IT.

AND IF I NEED TO.... I HAVE TO... 
AND I REALLY DO NOT LIKE TO.

OR WANT TO.

It's been a long time since I had to. 

HE WAS ANGRY THAT I DID IT.
CAME AFTER ME FOR DOING IT.

BUT HE WAS TRYING TO CHOKE ME.
WHICH REALLY ANGERED ME.

SO I FED HIM MY FISTS. 
IN HIS FACE.
REPEATEDLY.

HE DIDN'T LIKE IT.
I DID NOT GAF WHAT HE LIKED.

HAPPENED NEAR HERE, ACTUALLY.

A LONG TIME AGO.

SAID SOMETHING HE DIDN'T LIKE.
HE THREATENED ME.
WITH HIS HANDS ON MY THROAT.
IT P*SSED ME OFF. 

I SHOWED HIM WHY TO FK ALL THE WAY OFF.
BUT HE DIDN'T WANT TO.
HE FOLLOWED ME AFTER THAT.
CAUGHT UP TO ME ONCE.

GOT ME FROM BEHIND.
SLAMMED MY HEAD AGAINST A POST.
IT WAS BAD. 
I GOT BACK UP.

FKER'S STILL OUT THERE SOMEWHERE.

WHAT A POS.

If I have to, I will defend myself. 

And I had Mirror Smasher in an armlock.
TO MAKE HIM DROP A RIG. 

AND IF I WAS SUCH A B*TCH....
I'D HAVE JUST FKN LET HIM. 

BUT DID I? NO.

IF I LET HIM AND HE OD'D?

AND HADN'T DONE ANYTHING?

AND THE HOE WHO GAVE HIM THE FIRST ONE....
SHE HAD BAD VIBES.

I TOLD HIM. 

SHE LOOKS LIKE THE HOE WHO TRIED TO GET IN MY FACE
WHEN I WENT TO MEET HIM, ONCE....

BEFORE HE WENT ON HIS D*CKCAPADES. 

BUT HE WAS DOING SH*T BEHIND THE SCENES
THE WHOLE TIME, OBVIOUSLY.

AND HER TRYING TO COME AT ME....
ON MY WAY THERE....
WOULD SHOW SHE KNEW ABOUT ME...
AND MAYBE.... 
READING HIS MESSAGES.

AND SHE WASN'T THE ONLY ONE.

BECAUSE HOW WOULD SHE KNOW?
THAT I WAS GOING TO MEET HIM THAT DAY?
HMMM?

Him.... Being a d*ck.... 
WAS A DELIBERATE CHOICE.

I WROTE ABOUT THE SH*T HE SAID,
AND DID.

AND I STILL GAVE HIM CHANCES 
AFTER THAT.

HOPING....
HE'D JUST STOP....
WITH HIS SH*T.

BUT?????? DID HE?

IF I DIDN'T JUST FKN LEAVE HIM
IN HIS OWN SH*T.....

I'D BE MISERABLE.
LIKE I WAS....
BEING EXPECTED TO DEAL
WITH HIS SH*T.

HE COULD HAVE...
JUST STOPPED.....
HIS SH*T.

SO I TOLD HIM TO FK OFF. 

NO MORE TRYING TO EXPLAIN
ANYTHING ABOUT ME
FOR HIM
OR ANYONE
TO "UNDERSTAND" ME
WHEN I'M NOT THAT HARD
TO "UNDERSTAND."

Never was "hard" to understand.

I'D RATHER BE "ALONE"
THAN BE AROUND PEOPLE
WHO DELIBERATELY.....
SLAMMED THE DOOR IN THEIR OWN FACE....
REPEATEDLY. 

CRABS IN THE BUCKET.
ALL THE FKERS WHO WANTED TO HOLD ME BACK.
WANTED ME TO FEEL "SMALL."

TO "LOOK DOWN" ON ME....

THE ONLY TIMES I LOOK DOWN ON PEOPLE
IS WHEN THEY PLAY GAMES
ARE ABOUT BS
WANT TO BE THINKING XYZ ABOUT ME....
NEVER ASKING ME ANYTHING....
JUST ASSUME....! WHY NOT???!

LIKE I WASN'T GOING TO FKN GO?????
EVENTUALLY???? WTF????

"TARGET A***."

I USED TO WANT TO FKN KNOW WHY............
BECAUSE IT WASN'T EVEN MAKING SENSE.......
IN A DECENT WORLD..... 
YOU'D THINK.....
YOU COULD.....
ACTUALLY TRUST.....
THE PEOPLE.....
YOU SHOULD HAVE.....
BEEN ABLE TO.....
TRUST.

CLOSURE.... FOR ME....
WAS HOW IT ENDED.

I DON'T NEED TO "CHASE CLARITY"
LIKE IT MATTERS TO ME MORE
THAN WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT HAPPENED MATTERS.

MORE THAN THE "WHY."

SO THEY CAN HAVE THE "WHY."

I ALREADY HAVE THE "WHAT."

AND THAT'S FINE. WITH ME.
BECAUSE? I GAVE THE CHANCE.....
NOT TO BE ABOUT XYZ.

AND????? THEY WANTED TO BE ABOUT THAT?????

SO THEN?????

WHY SHOULDN'T I BE COOL ON MY OWN?

I WAS SUPPOSED TO "FALL APART"
WITHOUT THEM?

WERE THEY THERE?

WHEN? 5% OF THE TIME OR LESS?

EVEN MENTALLY?

DID THEY ACT LIKE THEY WANTED TO BE?
LIKE I MATTERED TO THEM? 

NO?
SO THEN? 

I CAN LET GO. THAT'S WHAT.

ISN'T THAT WHAT I DID? YEAH?
A LONG TIME AGO? YEAH?

WHY WAS THAT? HMMM?

BECAUSE??????
DO THEY KNOW ME?

OR DO THEY WANT SOMETHING?

AND "FORGET" HOW THEY TREATED ME?

HMMM?

WAS HIS SH*T MINE TO CARRY?
FOREVER?

NO?

AT ALL?

NO?

ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS JUST TREAT ME WELL!
LIKE A DEAR FRIEND!

AT THE VERY FKN LEAST!

WAS I ASKING TO BE TREATED LIKE A WIFE?

WOULD I WANT TO MARRY A D*CK ANYWAY? NO?

ANYWAY.... THAT'S ALL HE HAD TO DO!
THAT'S IT.

BUT?????? WHAT? 

THAT????!!!!! REALLY?????!!!!!

AND I USED TO WANT TO KNOW WHY!

BUT..... THEY EXPECT ME TO FIX IT
WHEN THEY FK UP!

AND TEST THE WATER AFTER.

BUT NOW.... I GAVE UP.....
AND THEY GET TO FEEL THAT.

IF THEY COULDN'T SEE ANYTHING ABOUT ME.
THEY JUST WANTED WHAT THEY WANTED.

AND I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO WANT ANYTHING.
BECAUSE THAT DIDN'T MATTER.

THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
WANTING ME TO BE FAMILIAR....
AND WANTING TO ACTUALLY KNOW ME.

FAMILIAR LIKE A SAFE PLACE TO LAND....

AND ACTUALLY KNOWING ME
ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY VALUE ME FOR ME.

THEY MIGHT REMEMBER SOMETHING ABOUT ME....
WITHOUT REMEMBERING OTHER THINGS....
AND "FORGETTING" SOME THINGS...

WHEN I WANTED THE SAME CARE.
THE SAME CONSIDERATION. 

AND BEING PATIENT LONGER
WASN'T GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING.

WAITING LONGER
WASN'T GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING.

LIKE 12-YEAR DISCARD....
WANTED ME TO WAIT 12 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FOR 1/4 OF AN APOLOGY!

AFTER 12 YEARS.

"I M*SS A***, I'M GOING TO FK WITH HER FEELINGS SOME MORE."

COULD I EVEN BE MYSELF?
WITH HIM?
COULD WE TALK?

COULD WE SEE EACH OTHER?

COULD WE HAVE A NICE TIME?

NO?

BECAUSE....
I WAS SUPPOSED TO "CHASE" HIM FOR THAT????

FK THAT.

BOTH THOSE GUYS. FK THEM. 

I'M NOT BITTER ABOUT IT.... DO I SEEM LIKE I AM?

JUST TRYING MY BEST TO EXPLAIN....
WHY CERTAIN THINGS.... WERE BS.

SO THAT MAYBE.....
PEOPLE CAN UNDERSTAND.....

WHY IT WOULD BE BS.....

AND WOULD THINK ABOUT IT.....

BEFORE TREATING ANYONE....
LIKE THEY TREATED ME.

THAT'S ABOUT IT.

IF I WAS BITTER, I'D PROBABLY
BE RAGING AND WANTING REVENGE OR SOMETHING.
I DON'T.

DESPITE THE CAPS, I'M NOT ACTUALLY RAGING.

ABOUT THAT OR ANYTHING ELSE.

CAPS DON'T HAVE TO MEAN "RAGE."

WORDS ARE WORDS.
in lowercase
OR UPPERCASE.

OKAY?

WORDS.

Physical Pain

Years ago, I stupidly started cracking my neck.
DON'T DO IT. 

I SCREWED IT UP.

IT HURTS NOW.

MY BACK HURTS, TOO. 

Maybe I'm getting older, but... 
It hurts!

My mouth isn't feeling great either.
Had a tooth pulled over a week ago.
The tooth next to the one I got pulled out....
Got damaged. 

I knew it was possibly going to happen.
They told me it might. It did.

Now I have to get that fixed, too.

I don't want to get it pulled.
If I can help it.

My friend had to get a test done
where they froze his throat
to stick a camera down it.

It doesn't sound pleasant or like any fun.

I wouldn't want to get that test done....
But if it has to get done, it has to.

Tests can't last forever.
At least those tests can't.

Been very tired lately.
It happens when the seasons change.

It's been fall for a while....
But winter's coming.

It already snowed in Calgary this year.

Speaking of Calgary....
That city has been putting up signs
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGES
WITH NO OFFICIAL LANGUAGE TRANSLATIONS
ON THOSE SIGNS.

THAT SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED.

THE FOREIGN LANGUAGE 
SHOULD BE THE TRANSLATION.

TRANSLATING ENGLISH.

THEY DON'T HAVE FRENCH OUT THERE.

IN THIS CITY, FRENCH IS MANDATORY. 
IT'S A LANGUAGE LAW.

There's someone on drugs yelling out there...
Earlier, someone got arrested.
THERE WERE 4 COP CARS.

DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY DID TO GET ARRESTED.

BEEN STICKING MY HEAD OUT
IF I HEAR SHOUTING.

MOSTLY BEEN KEEPING TO MYSELF.

BEEN HAVING SOME IDEAS....
BUT ONE THING AT A TIME.

Also, not a lot I can do while in PAIN.

Being in pain sucks, and it's hard to sleep sometimes. 

Not a lot I can do about it, though. 

I need to see a chiropractor to actually get it fixed....

But... That's a "future" thing.
Not something I can do right now. 

Just To Be Clear

Just because I had "feelings" for someone...
DIDN'T MEAN THEY WERE OBLIGATED
TO FEEL THE SAME WAY I DID, 
ABOUT ME.

That's not why I was upset. 
That's not what STUNG.

WHAT STUNG WAS ALL THE BS BECAUSE OF THAT.

Because you can KNOW how someone feels....
AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAD THEM ON.

JUST THAT.

IF YOU DON'T FEEL ANYTHING FOR THEM....

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SH*T ON THEM.

NO FALSE HOPES. NO BS. 
HONESTY. 

JUST THAT. 

IT DOES NOT MEAN
"I HAVE TO PLAY WITH HER FEELINGS."
"I HAVE TO TRY TO MAKE HER FEEL LIKE SHE'S NOTHING."

IF I DON'T MATTER TO YOU, DON'T PRETEND.

AND THEN..... AFTER PRETENDING... 
TO "CARE"
WHEN YOU ACTUALLY DIDN'T.... AT ALL....

PLAY GAMES. 

JUST THAT. 

THAT'S ALL I WAS ASKING FOR.

NOT: "I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU, MARRY ME!"
OR ANYTHING CRAZY OR FKD UP.

JUST: "IF IT'S NOT MUTUAL.... DON'T BE A D*CK."

It's not that I "can't" be "alone."
IT'S MORE COMFORT TO ACTUALLY BE ALONE....
THAN "TRY" TO HAVE "SOMETHING"
WITH SOMEONE WHO JUST......
WANTS TO THROW ME AWAY.
LIKE NOTHING.

Big difference.

Nobody was ever OBLIGATED to FEEL THE WAY I DID!
OR WANT WHAT I WANTED.

IF I THOUGHT THEY WERE.... 
THAT WOULD BE LIKE THINKING
I WAS "ENTITLED" TO THEM "RETURNING" 
MY FEELINGS.

BUT.... COULD THEY HAVE.... ACKNOWLEDGED THAT?
HOW I FELT? AT ALL?

BUT THEN...... AFTER I SHUT DOWN......
AFTER YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS
OF GAMES.... 

THEY STILL TRY TO PLAY WITH ME.

That's why he came back 12 years LATER!

BECAUSE IT'S A GAME
TO GHOST AND TRY TO COME BACK
LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.

LIKE THEY DIDN'T DISCARD ME.
LIKE THEY "FORGOT" THE DETAILS.
BUT "REMEMBER" THE EXCUSES.

AND THEN.... WHEN I DON'T WANT TO FKN PLAY!!!!!!!!!!!
OR BE PLAYED WITH....

I'M "TOXIC" FOR THAT.

TO TRY TO GASLIGHT ME
ABOUT MY OWN FKN SANITY AND REALITY.

I KNEW HE WAS NEVER OBLIGATED....
TO FEEL ANYTHING FOR ME.... 

NOBODY IS.

BUT..... CERTAIN THINGS....
I NEVER HAD TO TOLERATE.

AND WHEN I REFUSE TO "CHASE."
I'M "TOXIC."

WHEN I CALL THEM OUT:
"TOXIC."

They could.... Ask themselves.... WHY....
I would be more comfortable with myself
THAN I WAS BEFORE.
WHEN PEOPLE DID THAT SH*T.
TO ME.

FOR WHATEVER REASON THEY DID IT FOR.....
I DON'T HAVE TO "CARE" WHY THEY DID IT.

DO I NEED "EXCUSES" FOR BS? NO.
I DON'T NEED OR WANT THAT CRAP.

THEY USE "EXCUSES"
BECAUSE THE ACTUAL TRUTH...
ISN'T "COMFORTABLE" FOR THEM.

OR? THEY'D TELL IT!

What I'm not cool with.... Is being.... Underestimated. 
BY PEOPLE WHO NEVER KNEW ME.

I'm capable of underestimating myself!
THEY KNEW THIS.

THAT'S WHY THEY TRIED TO GASLIGHT ME.

But....? Why doesn't that work?

BECAUSE I SEE THAT FOR WHAT IT IS.
I SEE THEM DOING IT.

AND YES, I WILL SAY SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

AS SOON AS YOU HAVE BOUNDARIES....
AND CHANGE HOW YOU OPERATE....
AND PEOPLE CAN'T GET WHAT THEY WANT....
THEY CAN'T FK YOU AROUND.... 

WATCH! WATCH HOW THEY ACT! 
BECAUSE THEY ARE ACTING LIKE THAT
FOR A REASON.

I COULD HAVE PLAYED GAMES, TOO. RIGHT?
DID I? DID I EVEN WANT TO? NO?

IF I WANTED TO.... I WOULD HAVE!!!!!!!!!!!
RIGHT?

That is the point.

Not that I ever thought they were OBLIGATED 
to feel the way I did.

WOULD IT HAVE BEEN COOL, IF THEY DID? 
YEAH.

BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T HAVE....
SCREWED ME AROUND.

OR PLAYED WITH ME IN ANY WAY.

IF THEIR INTENTIONS
WERE THE SAME AS MINE.

THAT IS ALL. 
BUT???? THEIR INTENTIONS....
WERE NOT THE SAME AS MINE.

AND AFTER I WALK AWAY....
THEY TRY ME AGAIN.

THAT.... IS WHAT BUGGED ME.
NOT: "HE DIDN'T LOVE ME BACK!"

SO NATURALLY, AFTER ALL OF THAT CRAP....
I'D BE GUARDING MY HEART. 

AWAY FROM PEOPLE WHO WOULD FK WITH IT.
OR TRY TO.
OR TRY TO PLAY WITH ME.

THEY FIND OUT VERY FAST....
I DON'T DO "TRAUMA BONDS."

REAL BONDS.... OR FK OFF. 

EVEN IF THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY "ROMANCE"
INTEREST IN ME.... 

COOL.

1) BE HONEST ABOUT THAT.
2) DON'T EVER PRETEND YOU DO! 
3) DON'T PLAY GAMES!
4) MUTUAL RESPECT OR FK OFF.

AND IF YOU LOST MY RESPECT.....
YOU LOST IT FOR A REASON OR MANY REASONS.

USUALLY IT TAKES QUITE A BIT FOR ME TO GET THERE.

BECAUSE I USED TO GIVE CHANCES LIKE CANDIES.
BUT I DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE.

DOING THAT.... DIDN'T GIVE ME ANYTHING.

MADE PEOPLE NOT RESPECT THE CHANCES THEY GOT.
THEY JUST EXPECTED MORE AND MORE AND MORE.
LIKE I WAS NEVER GOING ANYWHERE.

THAT'S WHAT IT DID.

They try to "control" and "dominate" me, also.
NO. TRY THAT AND FIND OUT WHY IT DOESN'T WORK.

BECAUSE THE MOMENT YOU TRY ME...
I WILL SHOW YOU.

I DON'T LIKE IT.... BUT... I'LL DO THAT.
WHEN NEEDED.

BUT WHEN PEOPLE ARE STUCK IN THEIR OWN SH*T....
THEY ARE!

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH AND ABOUT THAT?

I LEAVE THEM.... STUCK IN IT.... BY THEMSELVES.
AND I LIVE MY LIFE WITHOUT THEM IN IT.

BECAUSE????? I CAN.
THAT'S WHY.

THEY DON'T LIKE IT.... BUT?????

AM I SUPPOSED TO TRY TO "CONTROL" THEM?
TRY TO "MAKE" THEM SEE THE TRUTH?
THAT THEY "REFUSE" TO SEE?

IN A TRILLION DIFFERENT WAYS?
IF NOTHING "WORKS"?

NO. IT'S FOR THEM TO SEE.
I ALREADY SAW A LOT. 
I AM COOL WITH THAT.
SEEING IT MEANS I GET TO DO SOMETHING WITH IT.

WHAT CAN I DO
WITH SOMETHING I CAN'T SEE?

Anything????? Can I? No.

SO THEN WHY WOULD I REFUSE TO SEE IT?

TO PUT MYSELF AT A DISADVANTAGE?

And if they choose someone OVER ME. OKAY.
BUT DON'T GO BEHIND THEIR BACK....
TO TRY TO TALK TO ME..... 
BECAUSE YOU ALREADY.... CHOSE.

JUST THAT.

Yes, I have friends who are married.
Who I speak with. 

BUT WE ARE ONLY FRIENDS, JUST THAT.

AND I'D RATHER NOT BE INVOLVED
WITH SOMEONE.... WHO IS INVOLVED
WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

1) ISN'T FAIR WITH THE ONE THEY ARE INVOLVED WITH
2) ISN'T FAIR TO ME, EITHER.

BUT WHY WOULD THEY GO BEHIND THEIR BACK?
IF THEY THINK THEY'D LASH OUT....

AND I WARNED MIRROR SMASHER ABOUT THAT HOE.
TOLD HIM ABOUT THE "THREATS."

AND SHE DID THREATEN ME. 
OVER HIM.

WHEN IT ISN'T HER CHOICE.
WHO HE WANTS TO BE WITH......

NOT UP TO HER.

SHE HAS NO CONTROL OVER THAT.

HE ISN'T HER "PROPERTY."

SO SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO "THREATEN"
ANYONE OVER HIS OWN CHOICES
THAT HE HAS A RIGHT TO MAKE.
ON HIS OWN.

But.... I'm a "threat" so......
THAT'S WHY SHE "THREATENED" ME.

HE WAS NOT HAPPY WITH HER.
HE TOLD ME SHE CHEATED ON HIM.

MAYBE THEIR FIRST KID ISN'T EVEN HIS.
SHE WAS CHEATING "WHILE" PREGNANT.

MAYBE... SHE CHEATED AND "GOT" PREGNANT.

AND IF THAT WAS THE CASE....
SHE LIED TO HIM ABOUT THAT.

TO "TRAP" HIM WITH A BABY.

SOME CHICKS DO THAT.

AND IF HE WASN'T HAPPY WITH HER....
HOW SHE ACTS ETC.....

THEN.... THAT... HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

BECAUSE I DON'T ACT LIKE THAT.

I NEVER CONTACTED HER EVEN ONCE.
WANTED NOTHING TO DO WITH HER, PERIOD.

IT'D BE LIKE IF MY EX CONTACTED HIM, 
THREATENING HIM. 

RIGHT?

THAT'S WHAT I NEEDED HIM TO SEE....
BUT? HE WOULDN'T.

If I wanted to "harm" her...
WHY WOULD I THREATEN TO DO IT?
I WOULD JUST DO IT?

ALL I DID WAS TELL HER NOT TO FKN PLAY WITH ME EITHER.
BECAUSE THEY BOTH WERE.

NOT JUST HER, NOT JUST HIM. 

BOTH.

AND BECAUSE OF THAT SH*T.....
I DON'T HAVE TO BE THERE.
NEVER HAD TO BE THERE.

Wanted him to see THAT, TOO.... BUT?

BUT.... BS... DOESN'T WORK FOR ME.
THERE CAN'T BE ANY EXCEPTIONS.

BECAUSE THEY WON'T TAKE MY STANDARDS
SERIOUSLY. 

IF I LET THEM KEEP ON WITH THEIR BS.

THAT'S WHY 12-YEAR-DISCARD.....
DOESN'T GET TO "POP IN"
AND GET ANOTHER CHANCE.

HAD I LET HIM BACK IN?
THINKING "IT'LL BE DIFFERENT THIS TIME"?

IT WOULD BE LIKE MIRROR SMASHER.
AGAIN. 

THINGS MIGHT HAVE BEEN "NICE" FOR A BIT.
AND THEN..... THEY'D DO THAT SH*T. AGAIN.

THEY HAD THE CHANCE.... ALREADY....
TO JUST.... TREAT ME PROPERLY.

AND WHEN LOYALTY MATTERED AND COUNTED....

WHAT DID THEY DO WITH THAT CHANCE?
THOSE CHANCES?

WASTED THEM?
WASTED MY TIME?
ALREADY?

SO????? WHY WOULD I THINK....
ANYTHING WOULD BE "DIFFERENT THIS TIME"?

ALREADY DID ME DIRTY....
I CAN WISH PEOPLE WELL.....
BUT I DO NOT NEED TO WELCOME THEM BACK.

ESPECIALLY AFTER THAT SH*T.
THEY ALREADY SHOWED ME.
RIGHT?

I DON'T HAVE TO LET THEM SHOW ME REPEATEDLY.
I DON'T HAVE TO PUT MYSELF THROUGH THAT.

BUT FLIPPING THEIR SH*T ONTO ME....
ISN'T COOL.

IT'S A TEST.

HER DOING IT. HIM DOING IT.
ALL THE FKERS DOING IT.

BUT..... I DON'T HAVE TO LET THEM.

WHAT STUNG WAS GIVING THEM WHAT I HAD....
AND GETTING BS BACK.

THAT IS WHAT STUNG.

NOT "HE DIDN'T LOVE ME BACK!"

IF I HAVE TO GRIEVE EITHER WAY.....
I'D RATHER BE "ALONE."

"IF A***'S SCARED I'LL LEAVE HER....
I'LL GHOST HER FOR 12 YEARS!"

AND IF HE CHOSE TO FK ME AROUND EVEN MORE
THAN HE DID BEFORE?

IF YOU LET SH*T SLIDE..... 
THEY THINK IT IS OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT NEVER WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BETTER OFF ON MY OWN!

I'M NOT SCARED OF ANYONE "LEAVING."
THEY CAN "GO."

THERE IS NOTHING TO BE SCARED OF.

IF THEY DISRESPECT ME....
THE "CONNECTION".....

WHAT WERE THEY EVEN "THERE" FOR?
FOR ME?????? FK NO!

NO LOYALTY.

SO THEN?????? WHY BE "THERE"?
FOR ME?????

HA! 

AND WHEN I DON'T MAKE ANY EXCEPTIONS?
I'M "TOXIC."

FOR NOT LETTING THEM JUST "COME BACK."
LIKE THEY NEVER DID ANYTHING.

ANYONE WHO DIDN'T VALUE ME......
DOESN'T GET TO DEVALUE ME EVEN MORE
THAN THEY DID BEFORE.

BECAUSE..... SAW AN "OPPORTUNITY."
IT WASN'T ABOUT ME.
IT WAS BECAUSE THEY WANTED SOMETHING
FROM ME.

BECAUSE IF IT WAS ABOUT ME....
HE WOULD HAVE VALUED ME.

JUST THAT.

GOING BACKWARDS WOULD BE LIKE SAYING:
THIS IS ALL I DESERVE
WHEN I NEVER DESERVED ANY OF THAT SH*T.

THEY HAD A CHANCE.
TO SHOW ME..... WHO THEY WERE.
THEY DID.

I DON'T HAVE TO LET THEM SHOW ME AGAIN.
ALREADY SAW IT.

"PEOPLE CHANGE, A***." OKAY, COOL....
BUT THAT STILL DOESN'T MEAN THAT I WANT THAT SH*T IN MY LIFE.

THEY HAD THE CHANCE NOT TO BE ABOUT IT....
AND CHOSE WHAT THEY CHOSE TO BE ABOUT.

AND IT WASN'T ABOUT ME AT ALL. 

SO THEY CAN HAVE WHAT THEY WANTED....
EVEN IF THEY AREN'T HAPPY WITH IT.

AND THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

PEOPLE SAW ME AS "DIFFERENT"
BECAUSE I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF I WAS LIKE THEM......
I'D HAVE ACTED JUST LIKE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RIGHT?

I CAN COUNT MORE PEOPLE
WHO DIDN'T "BELIEVE" IN ME

THAN ANYONE WHO DID!!!!!!! OKAY????

AND IF THEY DIDN'T..... COOL..... 
BUT DID THEY HAVE TO FK ME AROUND????????

BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T??????

"LEAST LIKELY TO SUCCEED...." OKAY.

COOL. BUT I'LL REMEMBER HOW PEOPLE ACTED.

WHY WOULDN'T I REMEMBER THAT?
HMMM?

WHY WOULDN'T I REMEMBER.....
BEING TREATED LIKE CRAP?

LIKE I DIDN'T MATTER?
LIKE THEY DIDN'T "CARE" ABOUT ME?

OF COURSE I WAS GOING TO REMEMBER THAT. 

WOULDN'T THEY? IF I DID THAT SH*T?
PROBABLY!

RIGHT?