When He Thought That

I had met someone Mirror Smasher knew... 
Introduced to him by one of my former friends.

THAT GUY.... THOUGHT MY FORMER FRIEND
AND I WERE "TOGETHER."
AND TOLD MIRROR SMASHER THAT.

IT WASN'T THE CASE....
AND HE NEVER ASKED ME OR MY FORMER FRIEND....
IF WE WERE ACTUALLY "TOGETHER."

BUT HE TOLD MIRROR SMASHER....
THAT WE WERE. WE WERE NOT.

WHEN MIRROR SMASHER "THOUGHT" THAT,
BECAUSE HE ASSUMED IT WAS TRUE
AND DIDN'T ASK ME, EITHER.
HE ALSO THOUGHT I WAS LYING TO HIM ABOUT IT.
WASN'T. 

NO REASON TO.

IF I WAS "WITH" SOMEONE....
EVERYONE WOULD KNOW.

THEY WOULDN'T HAVE TO "GUESS."

ALSO... COULD ASK.

RIGHT?

But.... What bugged me about it.....

WAS HE EXPECTING MY LOYALTY
TO HIM.... 

BUT WASN'T LOYAL TO ME.
HE WAS FKING AROUND.

AND THREW ME "CRUMBS"
WHENEVER HE THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO FK OFF.

TO GET MY GUARD DOWN.
JUST THAT.

IT WASN'T BECAUSE HE WANTED ME....
AS A PERSON....
BECAUSE HE WOULD HAVE ACTED LIKE HE DID!

I WAS SUPPOSED TO CARRY THE WHOLE THING.
HE'D GIVE ME HIS 2%....
BUT I WAS SUPPOSED TO COME WITH THE 98%.
ALWAYS.

NO. 

SHOULD I HAVE HAD TO WAIT AS LONG AS I DID...
FOR 2% OR LESS?

NO.

WAS HE BUILDING ANYTHING WITH ME?
NO.

WANTED ME TO..... BUT.... 
NO.

SO WHY WOULD IT MATTER.....
SUDDENLY....

IF ANYONE ELSE WAS ACTUALLY INTERESTED IN ME?

MY FORMER FRIEND WAS... TO AN EXTENT.

BUT IT WAS MORE LIKE....
HE WAS INTERESTED IN MY INTEREST.

NOT IN ME AS A PERSON.

BECAUSE.... HE WOULD HAVE....
RESPECTED.... MY AUTONOMY. 

HE WAS VERY BOSSY. 

I FKN CAN'T STAND THAT SH*T.

AND ONE TIME.... I DID SOMETHING
HE "TOLD ME"
NOT TO DO.

LIKE I WAS SUPPOSED TO "OBEY" HIM. 

SOMETHING I WANTED TO DO.
THAT SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN A "BIG DEAL" TO DO.

HOW HE ACTED ABOUT THAT.... WAS NUTS.

I SHOULD HAVE ENDED IT RIGHT THERE, 
RIGHT THEN.

BECAUSE THAT WAS ABOUT HAVING CONTROL OVER ME.
TO CONTROL ME.

TO MANIPULATE.
IT WAS VERY CLEAR.

THAT IS WHY WE AREN'T FRIENDS ANYMORE.

MY AUTONOMY... MATTERS TO ME.

THEIR AUTONOMY.....
SHOULD MATTER TO THEM. 

SHOULD BE RESPECTED, ALSO. 

Should it not???? It should!
Like mine should be, too.

It fkn BUGGED TF OUT OF ME....
THE WHOLE TIME WE WERE FRIENDS!

I BROUGHT IT UP AT LEAST A FEW TIMES!

BEFORE I STOPPED WANTING TO BE FRIENDS.

BECAUSE IF A FRIEND
DOESN'T WANT TO RESPECT MY AUTONOMY.....

ARE THEY A REAL FRIEND?????

THEY WANT ME AROUND FOR MY ENERGY.
BECAUSE I'M MOSTLY EASYGOING.... 

I CAN BE CHILL.

BUT WHEN PEOPLE NEED TO LEVEL UP....
AND WANT TO BE IN DENIAL THAT THEY NEED TO....
TO STOP THEIR CRAP....
THAT THEY DON'T NEED TO BE DOING....

THAT I'M NOT DOING TO THEM....
BECAUSE I HAVE NO REASON TO DO THAT CRAP....

BECAUSE I WANT THEM TO CONTROL THEMSELVES
BY NOT TRYING TO CONTROL ME.

AND NOT WANTING TO. 

Do I want to control THEM? NO?

JUST WANT THEM TO CONTROL THEMSELVES? YEAH?

THEY LIKE THE ENERGY.... WHAT I BROUGHT.
BUT.... THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT.
TO KEEP IT.

AND I DO NOT OWE ANYONE MY ENERGY.
NOT EVEN IF THEY WANT IT. 

Wanting it.... And not knowing what to do with it....
ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

Now that I said that... 

THEY NEVER GAF ABOUT WHAT I WANTED.
THEY NEVER GAF WHAT MATTERED TO ME.

IF THEY DID.... THEY WOULD ACT LIKE IT.
AND THAT ISN'T SOMETHING THEY CAN FAKE.

DUDES WHO ARE EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE....
WON'T "MATURE" OVERNIGHT.

SOME DON'T.
BECAUSE SOME THINGS....
DON'T "MAKE SENSE" TO THEM....
ENOUGH TO "CLICK."

If they "clicked," they would "understand"
AND MATURE!

WOULDN'T THAT BE GROOVY?

IF THEY WERE JUST.... MATURE?

SURE, I CARE ENOUGH TO "HELP PEOPLE."
BECAUSE I'VE BEEN THROUGH CRAP.
THEY HAVE, TOO.

BUT.... SURFACE-LEVEL "GESTURES"
ARE THAT.

DESIGNED TO.... DO WHAT?
BE WHAT?

BAIT. THAT'S WHAT.

BECAUSE PEOPLE WILL TRY TO USE YOUR "CARE"
TO TRY TO GET SOMETHING FROM YOU.

NOT ALWAYS....

SOME PEOPLE WILL ACTUALLY APPRECIATE IT!
THAT YOU CARE WHEN NOBODY ELSE DOES!

BUT.... NOT EVERYONE WILL.

THEY WANT YOU TO "CARE"
FOR THEIR OWN REASONS.

NOT BECAUSE THEY INTEND TO ACTUALLY CARE, TOO.

THAT IS RARE.
THAT THEY ACTUALLY CARE, TOO.

VERY RARE.

Why It Bugged Me

If a dude wouldn't ask their MALE FRIENDS....
ABOUT THEIR S*X LIVES....

WHY ASK ME ABOUT MINE?

I ASKED MY MALE FRIENDS IF THEY ASK
THEIR MALE FRIENDS ABOUT
THEIR S*X LIVES....

TO TEST THAT "THEORY."

2 OF THEM WHO ANSWERED.... SAID NO.

1) PERSONAL MATTERS SHOULD BE PRIVATE
2) NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

FROM DUDES.... ABOUT THEIR MALE FRIENDS' 
S*X LIVES.

THEY WOULDN'T ASK THEM!

THAT'S WHY I ASKED!

Because I was pretty sure.... THEY WOULDN'T.

Just like.... Males....
PROBABLY WOULDN'T CALL ANOTHER DUDE
HUN, OR BABE, OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT....

ESPECIALLY AT WORK.

RIGHT?

THEY WOULD CALL THAT DUDE BY THEIR NAME!!!!!!!
BY.... THEIR.... NAME!

CORRECT????

SO.... AS A FEMALE.....
WOULDN'T I WANT TO BE CALLED BY MY NAME, TOO?

THAT'S WHY WE HAVE NAMES!
TO BE CALLED BY OUR NAMES!

RIGHT?

AREN'T THERE OTHER THINGS TO TALK ABOUT?
OTHER THAN S*X?

SO WHY DOES THAT HAVE TO COME UP?
AT ALL?

I have male friends who NEVER asked me about my s*x life.
My s*x life likely doesn't matter to them!

WHY WOULD THAT MATTER TO THEM?

Should it come up just because I'm a FEMALE? NO?
Wouldn't if I was a dude, right?

BUT IT WAS "JUST" "CURIOSITY."

NO. IT WASN'T JUST THAT.

If something isn't their business....
WHY BE CURIOUS ABOUT IT?

Should MY "s*x life"
BE ANYONE'S BUSINESS? NO?

SO THEN????? WHY ASK ME?

Second time he was "just curious."

PRIOR TO THAT.... HIS QUESTIONS
FOR ME.... WEREN'T ABOUT THAT.

"I was JUST CURIOUS."
WHY, THOUGH? HMMM?

SHOULD IT MATTER? TO ANYONE?
WHY SHOULD IT?

If anything..... It'd be for my PARTNER.
TO KNOW ABOUT.

NOT MY FRIENDS.

IF THEY WANT TO KNOW....
THERE'S A REASON FOR THAT.

THEY COULD HAVE..... JUST.....
NOT ASKED ME.

RIGHT?

ASKED ME ALMOST ANYTHING ELSE?
ABOUT MY ACTUAL INTERESTS?

ASKED ME THINGS TO GET TO KNOW ME AS A PERSON?
WITHOUT THAT CRAP?

IF TWO PEOPLE WANTED TO TALK ABOUT S*X....
THEY CAN.....

BUT.... WHY SHOULD THAT COME UP?

ESPECIALLY.... WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO....
JUST GET TO KNOW SOMEONE?
AS A PERSON?

DO WE HAVE TO ASK PEOPLE PERSONAL QUESTIONS?

THAT THEY WOULDN'T ASK THEIR OWN GENDER?
BECAUSE THAT DOESN'T INTEREST THEM?

BUT BECAUSE I'M A FEMALE.... 
MY S*X LIFE IS "INTERESTING"?

Bugs me. It does. 

BEING SINGLE DOES NOT MEAN THAT I WANT TO
"HOOK UP."

"Why do you think like that?"
WHY DO YOU WANT ME TO THINK LIKE YOU?

Should I have to explain why..... 
WHY that I shouldn't have to explain why?

BUT IF I DON'T EXPLAIN WHY.....
WOULD THEY "UNDERSTAND"?

BUT IF THEY DON'T WANT TO "UNDERSTAND"
WOULD THEY "UNDERSTAND"?

Knitting and s*x don't COMPARE!

ARE THEY BOTH INTERESTS?
ARE THEY BOTH ACTIVITIES?

THEN????? THEY DO COMPARE!

BUT..... DO GUYS.... PUT THEMSELVES.....
IN WOMEN'S "SHOES"?

TO "UNDERSTAND" WHAT IT'S LIKE?
CONSTANTLY?????

WHAT WOULD THAT BE LIKE FOR THEM?
"JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY."

HE HAS DAUGHTERS!
WHAT IF A MAN ASKED HIS DAUGHTERS
ABOUT THEIR S*X LIVES?

"JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY"?
WOULD IT MAKE SENSE, THEN?

You know what????

HOW DUDES TALK ABOUT THEIR EXES....
IS HOW THEY'D TALK ABOUT ME, TOO.

AND BEFORE YOU SAY HOW I TALK ABOUT DUDES...
I DEALT WITH.... 

I BRING UP SOME THINGS FOR A REASON.
TO THINK ABOUT IT.

BECAUSE THOSE DUDES....
WHO ARE ABOUT THAT BS.....
DIDN'T THINK ABOUT IT.

THAT IS ALL.

AND ALL DUDES....
COULD JUST....
THINK ABOUT IT.

JUST THAT.

ABOUT THAT "STRATEGY."
SOME CHICKS SEE THROUGH IT.
IT'S GROSS.

Have I asked questions out of actual curiosity? Yeah?

I met someone who told me.... As a fact about himself
that he is in the p*rn industry. 

AS A FACT ABOUT HIMSELF. 

1) I DGAF ABOUT THAT
2) HIS BUSINESS
3) WHY WOULD I JUDGE HIM BASED ON THAT?

He told me that he does get judged for it.
Of course, I'd never put his business out there.

I'm bringing it up....
BECAUSE I HAD A LEGIT QUESTION FOR HIM.

MY QUESTION WAS: WHY THAT INDUSTRY?
THAT WAS ALL.

NOT THAT IT WAS ANY OF MY BUSINESS.

AS AN INDUSTRY.... WHY?
THAT WAS ALL. 

OTHER THAN THAT.... I DGAF. 

But my question was legit curiosity. 
It wasn't to judge him about his answer or reasons.
OR ANY OF THAT. 

IT SHOULDN'T ACTUALLY MATTER. AT ALL.

I didn't get the vibe that he was telling me
as part of a strategy to gauge my "interest."

It was just.... A fact... About himself. 

Should I gaf about that? 
Should it matter?

It doesn't matter to me....

Sure, "thanks for trusting me enough to tell me that..."
BUT.... THAT DOESN'T "MAKE YOU WHO YOU ARE."

IF THAT MAKES SENSE.

Like nothing about my "sex life"
HAS MUCH TO DO WITH "WHO I AM."

SO????? SHOULD HIS?
NO?

I only brought it up as an example....
OF WHY IT SHOULDN'T MATTER!!!!!!!!!!!! 

TO THINK ABOUT THAT.

THAT IS HIS LIFE, HIS CHOICE.
WHY THAT CHOICE? HE TOLD ME WHY.
BUT IT ALSO SHOULDN'T MATTER, EITHER.

OTHER THAN THAT ONE QUESTION....
DID I ASK HIM ANYTHING ELSE?

Or???? Did I just treat it as A FACT..... ABOUT HIM?

BECAUSE.... IT... JUST.... IS.

HE TRUSTED ME WITH THAT FACT.
WITH HIS PRIVACY.

WHICH I'LL KEEP AND RESPECT. 
NONE OF ANYONE'S BUSINESS.

IF HE WANTS TO TELL ANYONE, 
THAT IS HIS CHOICE.

HOW THEY RECEIVE THAT FACT...
IS THEIR CHOICE.

MINE WAS... TO RECEIVE IT....
AS A FACT.

SIMPLE. EASY. 
NOT HARD.

Just like how people could receive facts about ME
AS FACTS ONLY.

BUT DO THEY?
THEY COULD, THOUGH!

Even if I had a BOYFRIEND OR A HUSBAND....
WOULD WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT S*X
CONSTANTLY?

WOULD WE HAVE TO BOINK 24/7?
OR COULD WE JUST CHILL?

Could we..... Just talk.... About other stuff?

But.... Why would I talk to my FRIENDS 
ABOUT THINGS I'D TALK TO A PARTNER ABOUT?

My friend told me that fact about himself
more or less to give me an "out"
LIKE IF IT "BOTHERED" ME....
WE DIDN'T HAVE TO BE FRIENDS.

THAT'S ALL.
THAT'S FAIR.... I GET THAT.

BUT.... WHY SHOULD THAT "BOTHER" ME?

DOES THAT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME????!!! NO?
SO??? WHY SHOULD IT "BOTHER" ME?

Some things that don't have anything to do with me 
do bother me, but for some reasons... 

LIKE ON A MORALITY BASIS.

Things that should bother EVERYONE.
BECAUSE RIGHT IS RIGHT
AND WRONG IS WRONG. 

LIKE AB*SE.
ETC.

H@RM.

STUFF LIKE THIS.

SERIOUS SH*T SHOULD MATTER!
ALWAYS.

SHOULD MATTER MORE!!!!
THAN SH*T THAT SHOULDN'T!!!!

MAKES SENSE????
As examples???

Because.... WHY SHOULD S*XUALITY.......
MATTER MORE.....
THAN CERTAIN OTHER STUFF????

IS A PERSON.... "ONLY THEIR S*XUALITY"?
NO?

OR????? ARE THEY.... A PERSON?

PRETTY SURE THEY ARE A PERSON!!!!!!!

SO THEN?????
CAN YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.....
AS A PERSON??????

COULD YOU? YEAH?
IF YOU WANTED TO?
AND IF THEY WANTED TO LET YOU?
YEAH?

PRETTY SURE YOU COULD! 
IF THEY WANT TO LET YOU.

AND IF THEY LET YOU....
THAT IS A CHANCE TO.

JUST THAT.

What I've been seeing and FINDING OUT....
IS WHAT PEOPLE DO WITH THAT CHANCE.

WHEN IT COMES TO ME.

If people throw that chance away....
THEY DO THAT. OKAY.

THEY HAD IT....
TO CHOOSE WHAT TO DO WITH IT.

SO???? OKAY. 

JUST THAT.

AM I SUPPOSED TO BE "UNSTABLE" ABOUT IT?

OR???? JUST.... OKAY.

AS A FACT. 

IT'S NOT ABOUT THEM THROWING IT AWAY... 
IT'S HOW THEY CHOSE TO DO IT.

SOMETIMES ABOUT WHY.... SOMETIMES....
BUT.... 

MOSTLY HOW.

1) THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO
2) IT'S A CHOICE
3) THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO DO ME DIRTY ABOUT IT

But...... I'M NOT ON "STANDBY"
FOR THEM TO "DECIDE"
EITHER WAY. 

IF THEY WANT TO, FOR THE RIGHT REASONS...
OKAY.

FOR THE WRONG REASONS?
IN THE WRONG WAYS?
FK NO!!!!!!!!!! 

WOULD THEY WANT ME TO GET TO KNOW THEM?
FOR THE WRONG REASONS? NO?

IN THE WRONG WAYS? NO?

WHY WOULD I?

Pretty much.... That's the point. 
Why it bugs me.

Makes sense?

Defending Disinterest

It bugs me... HAVING TO EXPLAIN SOME THINGS.

OKAY? IT DOES.

YET, IT SEEMS I HAVE TO.

I lost my "desire" for or "interest" in s*x. 

Someone asked me today.... A dude....
He asked me why I told him that s*x is overrated. 

HE WAS TRYING TO JUSTIFY IT
IN HIS HEAD OR SOMETHING.

He was like: "I'm curious about something."
AS SOON AS HE SAID THAT....
I KNEW IT HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH S*X.

IT DID.

AND I KNOW IT HAS MORE TO DO WITH SOMETHING ELSE
THAN WITH "CURIOSITY."

THERE ARE REASONS PEOPLE ASK THINGS.
THEY WANT TO KNOW!

OR????? THEY WOULDN'T ASK.

I tried the knitting analogy.

I asked him if it made sense.

HE SAID IT DIDN'T....
BECAUSE "THEY DON'T COMPARE."

So I told him.....
IT'D BE LIKE ME ASKING HIM KNITTING QUESTIONS
WHEN HE DOESN'T KNIT.

And I pointed out.... That HE'S ALLOWED TO NOT WANT TO KNIT.

WELL, SAME FOR ME.
I'M ALLOWED NOT TO WANT TO BOINK.

PRETTY EASY TO FIGURE THAT OUT.

BUT SINCE KNITTING AND S*X ARE "DIFFERENT...."
HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THAT.

DOES HE HAVE THE DESIRE TO KNIT?

IS HE ALLOWED NOT TO HAVE THAT DESIRE?
OR AN INTEREST IN IT?

YEAH????

THEN????

HOW IS THAT ANY "DIFFERENT"?

He was like: "You never had sensual s*x?"

WHY DOES HE WANT TO KNOW THAT?????

SO IF I SAY I HAVEN'T.... HE COULD "OFFER"? 

SEE WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

IF I WAS A DUDE.... WOULD HE BE ASKING ME
ABOUT MY S*X LIFE?

AT ALL??????

HE PROBABLY WOULDN'T ASK ME!!!!!!

RIGHT?????

AND FRAMING IT AS CURIOSITY GRINDS MY NERVES.
WE BOTH KNOW IT ISN'T "CURIOSITY."

IF HE'S ASKING ME THOSE QUESTIONS....
HE'S THE ONE WITH THE INTEREST!
NOT ME!

SO WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THAT????

Should I have to "explain" my disinterest?

TO EVERYONE WHO CAN'T FATHOM IT?

SHOULD IT BE HARD FOR ME TO FATHOM
THAT NOT EVERYONE KNITS?
OR HAS AN INTEREST IN IT?

NO????

THEN WHY IS IT HARD TO FATHOM....
SOMEONE NOT BEING INTERESTED IN S*X?

BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. 

GAVE BIRTH. 

NOT THAT I REGRET BEING A MOM.....

JUST.... I AM ALLOWED....
TO NOT WANT TO BOINK CONSTANTLY....
OR EVEN AT ALL!

AND ASKING ME ABOUT IT......
"OUT OF CURIOSITY"
ISN'T GOING TO GET ME TO BE INTERESTED IN IT.

SO I DON'T KNOW..... WHY HE EVEN WANTS TO KNOW....
ABOUT MY "S*X LIFE."

FKN WEIRD IF YOU ASK ME.

IF I WANTED TO TELL HIM ALL ABOUT IT, I WOULD.....
RIGHT?

IF IT WAS ANY OF HIS BUSINESS.... RIGHT?

BUT????? IT ISN'T!

"WHY DO YOU THINK LIKE THAT?"

WHEN I TRIED TO EXPLAIN IT THE FIRST TIME.

"WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME???!!!"

AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK "LIKE YOU"????
AND WANT S*X FOR THE SAKE OF WANTING IT????

Drives me up a fkn wall!!!!!!

DO I GO AROUND ASKING EVERYONE....
WHAT'S UP WITH THEIR INTERESTS?

SO THEN?????

"WHAT'S UP WITH YOUR DISINTEREST?"
BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO "JUSTIFY"
DISINTEREST. 

SOMEHOW.

Instead of????? Just.... Realizing....
I should be ALLOWED to just..... Not GAF about it.

Just like they should be ALLOWED not to GAF 
ABOUT ANY OF MY INTERESTS.

Really just THAT simple.

So then I have to EXPLAIN it
YET AGAIN..... 

WHEN IT ISN'T EVEN ANY OF THEIR BUSINESS!
RIGHT?!

Drives me bananas. Tired of it.

Does the TOPIC of s*x HAVE TO come up?
JUST BECAUSE I'M A FEMALE?

BECAUSE.... PRETTY SURE....
IF I WAS A DUDE.....

OTHER DUDES.... WOULD NOT GAF
ABOUT MY S*X LIFE!!!!!!!!!

AT ALL!!!!! 

So maybe that's what bugs me.

And trying to HIDE behind CURIOSITY....
BUGS ME.

Curiosity is an excuse to ask.
NOT THE ENTIRE REASON. 

And I asked him why he wanted to know.
He said that he had never had anyone tell him it was overrated before.

Maybe not.... BUT THE REAL REASON....
HE WAS TRYING TO JUSTIFY IT IN HIS HEAD.

AND COULDN'T.
BECAUSE HE COULDN'T FATHOM IT.

That's why.
And didn't want to say that.

ARE MY OTHER "FRIENDS"
"CURIOUS" ABOUT MY S*X LIFE? NO????

THEY NEVER ASK ME ABOUT S*X?
EVER?

HMMM.

WHY IS THAT????

BECAUSE I AM A FRIEND.
NOT A CONQUEST. 

AND DEFENDING MY DISINTEREST
MAKES ME SEEM HOSTILE ABOUT IT....

OR DEFENSIVE....

BUT.... I SHOULD BE ALLOWED....
TO JUST.... NOT BE INTERESTED.

AND ALLOWED NOT TO EVEN WANT
TO DISCUSS IT OR WHY. 

BUT??????? 

WHAT SEEMS TO HAPPEN????

JUST FOR BEING A FEMALE?

My friend.... The other night....
He was saying... 

That because women wanted to be LIBERATED.....
THEY "SHOULD BE" OPEN-MINDED.

LIBERATION WAS ABOUT "RIGHTS."

I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN THAT.

IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT "OPEN-MINDED" WOMEN
HAVE TO BE INTERESTED IN S*X. 

OR ANYTHING THAT THEY DON'T HAVE AN INTEREST IN.

LIKE: OBJECTIFICATION.

IT'D BE LIKE.... IF WOMEN DID ALL THE FKD UP
CREEPY STUFF TO MEN
THAT MEN DO TO WOMEN.

WOULD THEY LIKE THAT SH*T????
PROBABLY NOT.

THEY MIGHT EVEN GET "TURNED OFF" BY IT.
RIGHT?

WELL THEN????? 
WHEN WOMEN GET TURNED OFF BY IT....

MEN HAVE TO "JUSTIFY" IT?????

AND WOMEN HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHY?????

AND THEY STILL DON'T GET IT????

Surprised It Went Up That High

Surprised the views went up that high. 
They are coming back down like I knew they would.
Just surprised they went up that high. 

Wasn't expecting that at all. 

A LOT I WASN'T EXPECTING....
ESPECIALLY THE LAST 12 YEARS...

But... I had to learn something because of all of it.
SUCKS TO HAVE TO LEARN THAT WAY....

BUT.... OKAY. 

Learned about some people....
WHO I THOUGHT WERE DIFFERENT
FROM WHAT THEY SHOWED ME... 

Was asked some things for a reason...
I asked why: "Just curious."

No. There was another reason other than that.
Curiosity is a "blanket reason."

WHEN YOU DON'T WANT TO SAY THE ACTUAL REASON.

I know that there was another reason....
Other than curiosity. 

"Do you ever get lonely?"

NO.... BUT.... WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?

ASKED.... BECAUSE.... HE WANTED TO KNOW.

BECAUSE IF I DID.... HE COULD OFFER?
AND IF I ASKED WHY...
HE COULD JUST SAY HE WAS CURIOUS?

DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW THAT?
FOR "NO REASON"?

JUST OUT OF "CURIOSITY"?

No. There was a reason for that PARTICULAR QUESTION. 

Maybe in my 20s.... But????? What were my 20s like?
BECAUSE OF BEING "LONELY"? LOL.

YEAH. THAT'S WHAT.

"LONELINESS" ISN'T A GOOD ENOUGH REASON
FOR ME TO BE INTERESTED IN ANY OF THAT.

IT WASN'T THEN, AND IT ISN'T NOW.

EVEN SEEING "POTENTIAL" ISN'T A GOOD ENOUGH "REASON."

I DON'T HAVE A GOOD ENOUGH REASON.

AND AM ALLOWED TO JUST....
NOT BE INTERESTED.

AND HE WANTED TO MAKE IT ABOUT....
BEING "HURT" TOO MANY TIMES.

NOT THAT.
I'M MORE FKN DISAPPOINTED THAN "HURT."

I'M NOT IN "PAIN" OVER ANY FKR....
WHO JUST WANTED TO PLAY GAMES.

DISAPPOINTED????? YEAH. 

AND IF THEY TRUST THE WRONG PERSON....
OVER ME.... 

THAT IS NOT MY PROBLEM!!!!! NOT AT ALL.

THEY CAN DISAPPOINT THEMSELVES FOR ALL I CARE.

AND EVERYONE WHO DISAPPOINTS THEM.... 
THEY CAN HAVE THAT.

ESPECIALLY.... IF THEY DO THINGS
THAT I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE.

I'M OKAY WITH THAT.

But... I know why.... People ask questions.

BECAUSE THEY WANT TO KNOW.
AND WHY THEY WANT TO KNOW.....
HAS TO DO WITH SOMETHING.

IF THEY DON'T WANT TO BE HONEST ABOUT IT...

THAT MAKES ME QUESTION
THEIR QUESTIONS EVEN MORE!

And if they convince themselves that I'm not interested
BECAUSE I'VE BEEN "HURT"

THERE ISN'T ANYTHING I CAN FKN SAY
BECAUSE THEY ALREADY
CONVINCED THEMSELVES OF THAT.

AND THEY'LL CONVINCE THEMSELVES
OF OTHER THINGS, TOO. 

NOT HERE TO CONVINCE ANYONE
OF ANYTHING.
EVEN MY REASONS
THAT I'M NOT INTERESTED. 

1) I AM ALLOWED NOT TO BE INTERESTED.

Good enough reason, eh?
I think so!!!!!

Does some "need" to have been "hurt"
TO JUST NOT BE INTERESTED?
IN HAVING S*X?

OR.... COULD THEY....
JUST.... NOT BE.... INTERESTED.... IN THAT?

COULD THEY... JUST BE ALLOWED THAT?

ALLOWED NOT TO BE INTERESTED IN THAT?

Put it this way:

IS EVERYONE INTERESTED IN KNITTING? NO?
WELP.... NOT EVERYONE IS INTERESTED IN S*X!!!!!!

AMAZING!

ARE PEOPLE ALLOWED NOT TO BE INTERESTED IN KNITTING?
YEAH? THEY ARE????

THEN.... WHY CAN'T PEOPLE NOT BE INTERESTED IN S*X?

DO THEY HAVE TO HAVE A "REASON"
LIKE: "THEY MUST HAVE BEEN HURT TOO MANY TIMES"?

TO MAKE IT MAKE SENSE TO THEMSELVES....

"I'M INTERESTED... SO IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE WHY THEY AREN'T."

WOULD IT MAKE SENSE TO ME, AS A KNITTER
THAT KNITTING ISN'T INTERESTING TO EVERYONE?

WELP, SAME THING. 

IT'D BE LIKE.... IF I ASSUMED THAT BECAUSE KNITTING
IS SUPER INTERESTING TO ME....
THAT IT WOULD INTEREST EVERYONE....

IT DOESN'T. RIGHT?

ARE THERE OTHER THINGS TO THINK ABOUT?
OTHER THAN KNITTING? YEAH?

WELL... THERE ARE OTHER THINGS
TO THINK ABOUT....
OTHER THAN S*X. 

BUT..... 

HOW TF DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT TO ANYONE?
WHO MAKES ASSUMPTIONS....
ABOUT ME....
AND MY REASONS FOR ANYTHING?

COULD THEY HAVE ASKED?

"IS IT BECAUSE YOU WERE HURT?
BECAUSE USUALLY THAT'S WHAT IT IS."

YOU CAN'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
ABOUT MY REASONS
BASED ON OTHER PEOPLE'S REASONS.

THAT'D BE LIKE.....
ALL PEOPLE WHO AREN'T INTERESTED IN KNITTING....
ARE "HURT" 
OR "HATE ART"
OR WHATEVER TF "THE USUAL REASON" IS.

SEE HOW SILLY THAT IS? IT'S SILLY.

LIKE ASSUMING I'M "TOXIC"
FOR HAVING BOUNDARIES....
AND NOT BEING INTERESTED IN BS.

WHY? DIDN'T GET WHAT THEY WANTED?

AND I OWE THEM WHAT????! ANYTHING? NO?????
DIDN'T OWE ANYTHING? OR A SECOND CHANCE?
AFTER THAT SH*T?

SO THEN?????? WHY WANT ANYTHING FROM ME????

DO I WANT ANYTHING FROM HIM?
WHAT DID I EVEN WANT????? HMMM?

DID ANYONE KNOW? NO??????

SO THEY CAN'T ASSUME FK ALL....
AND THEN ASSUME THEIR ASSUMPTIONS ARE FACTS... 

SILLY! 

Like as silly as it was to think that having ANY feelings
"MUST HAVE MEANT I WAS DESPERATE."
So why not TREAT ME AS THOUGH I was????!
Fk that sh*t. 

If I was SO DESPERATE... Why am I doing so much better on my own?

Hmmm?

I don't have to convince anyone of anything about me.
Just so damn silly to assume things......

IT ISN'T ACTUALLY FAIR....
AND THAT IS WHAT P*SSED ME OFF.
IF ANYTHING.

NOT BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T FEEL HOW I FELT.
I'M A BIG GIRL.

AND IT'S NOT LIKE I'M ATTRACTED TO EVERYONE, EITHER.

I CAN UNDERSTAND IF SOMEONE
ISN'T ATTRACTED TO ME
OR SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

BUT ALL THEY HAD TO DO......
WAS WHAT??????? TELL ME THAT!!!!!!!!!!

NO NEED TO FK ACT LIKE A D*CK 
ABOUT THAT OR ANYTHING ELSE.

RIGHT?

SHOULD I BE A B*TCH TO SOMEONE?
JUST BECAUSE I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO THEM?

WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

COULDN'T I JUST BE HONEST? ABOUT ANYTHING?

SHOULDN'T I BE?

BUT... I DON'T HAVE TO BE A B*TCH ABOUT THAT.
OR ANYTHING ELSE....

SO???? THEN?????
DO THEY HAVE TO TRY TO BE A D*CK TO ME??????
ABOUT THAT?????

OR ANYTHING ELSE?????

WHEN THEY COULD...... JUST BE HONEST?

I'VE BEEN MINIMIZED BY DUDES BEFORE.
BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T ATTRACTED TO ME.
WASN'T THEIR TYPE. 

AND IF I WASN'T..... THEY SHOULD HAVE....
JUST TOLD ME THAT.

INSTEAD OF..... MINIMIZING ME.

IN THE WAYS THEY DID THAT. 

OKAY?


I was talking to my neighbor tonight about guys. 
HE IS A GUY.

WHAT HE SAID... HE NAILED IT.

HE SAID THAT GUYS DON'T HAVE TO TRY TO "JUSTIFY" A NO.
THEY JUST HAVE TO UNDERSTAND IT.

THEIR EGOS ARE SO BIG THEY "CAN'T" ACCEPT IT.

I watched that video.... I don't know if I wrote about it yet...
A woman was on her motorcycle.
A guy approached her for her number.
She didn't want to give it to him.
Said she would give him her Instagram name or whatever.
He didn't want that.
And still didn't give him her number.
He goes: "Why you tryna be funny?"
She said she wasn't.

HE THREW WATER IN HER FACE!

WTF IS THAT SH*T?

IF THERE IS A REASON.... THERE IS ONE.
ACCEPT THAT AS A FACT.
BECAUSE IT IS A FACT.

AND IF IT'S A FACT..... JUST FK OFF WITH THAT FACT.
JUST THAT.

I might have written about this a while back....

When that guy was following me... 

I had an appointment. He followed me into that building.
And pretended to have an appointment.
Waiting for me to have mine.
And followed me OUT OF THE BUILDING.
THAT'S HOW I KNEW HE WAS LYING.
ABOUT HIS APPOINTMENT.
HE WOULD HAVE STAYED FOR IT.

WTF IS THAT SH*T? IT'S DISTURBING. 
DEEPLY. 

HE WANTED SOMETHING FROM ME.
I KEPT WALKING AWAY, SAYING "NO."

LOST HIM SOMEHOW. 

IT WAS KINDA SCARY.

IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. LIKE THAT.

IF NOBODY HAD BEEN AROUND?

IF HE HAD CATCHED UP TO ME?

I'D HAVE TO HURT THE GUY.
I DON'T LIKE HURTING PEOPLE.

I DON'T ENJOY IT.
I DON'T GET ANYTHING FROM IT.
OTHER THAN PROTECTION. 

THAT'S IT.

AND IF I NEED TO.... I HAVE TO... 
AND I REALLY DO NOT LIKE TO.

OR WANT TO.

It's been a long time since I had to. 

HE WAS ANGRY THAT I DID IT.
CAME AFTER ME FOR DOING IT.

BUT HE WAS TRYING TO CHOKE ME.
WHICH REALLY ANGERED ME.

SO I FED HIM MY FISTS. 
IN HIS FACE.
REPEATEDLY.

HE DIDN'T LIKE IT.
I DID NOT GAF WHAT HE LIKED.

HAPPENED NEAR HERE, ACTUALLY.

A LONG TIME AGO.

SAID SOMETHING HE DIDN'T LIKE.
HE THREATENED ME.
WITH HIS HANDS ON MY THROAT.
IT P*SSED ME OFF. 

I SHOWED HIM WHY TO FK ALL THE WAY OFF.
BUT HE DIDN'T WANT TO.
HE FOLLOWED ME AFTER THAT.
CAUGHT UP TO ME ONCE.

GOT ME FROM BEHIND.
SLAMMED MY HEAD AGAINST A POST.
IT WAS BAD. 
I GOT BACK UP.

FKER'S STILL OUT THERE SOMEWHERE.

WHAT A POS.

If I have to, I will defend myself. 

And I had Mirror Smasher in an armlock.
TO MAKE HIM DROP A RIG. 

AND IF I WAS SUCH A B*TCH....
I'D HAVE JUST FKN LET HIM. 

BUT DID I? NO.

IF I LET HIM AND HE OD'D?

AND HADN'T DONE ANYTHING?

AND THE HOE WHO GAVE HIM THE FIRST ONE....
SHE HAD BAD VIBES.

I TOLD HIM. 

SHE LOOKS LIKE THE HOE WHO TRIED TO GET IN MY FACE
WHEN I WENT TO MEET HIM, ONCE....

BEFORE HE WENT ON HIS D*CKCAPADES. 

BUT HE WAS DOING SH*T BEHIND THE SCENES
THE WHOLE TIME, OBVIOUSLY.

AND HER TRYING TO COME AT ME....
ON MY WAY THERE....
WOULD SHOW SHE KNEW ABOUT ME...
AND MAYBE.... 
READING HIS MESSAGES.

AND SHE WASN'T THE ONLY ONE.

BECAUSE HOW WOULD SHE KNOW?
THAT I WAS GOING TO MEET HIM THAT DAY?
HMMM?

Him.... Being a d*ck.... 
WAS A DELIBERATE CHOICE.

I WROTE ABOUT THE SH*T HE SAID,
AND DID.

AND I STILL GAVE HIM CHANCES 
AFTER THAT.

HOPING....
HE'D JUST STOP....
WITH HIS SH*T.

BUT?????? DID HE?

IF I DIDN'T JUST FKN LEAVE HIM
IN HIS OWN SH*T.....

I'D BE MISERABLE.
LIKE I WAS....
BEING EXPECTED TO DEAL
WITH HIS SH*T.

HE COULD HAVE...
JUST STOPPED.....
HIS SH*T.

SO I TOLD HIM TO FK OFF. 

NO MORE TRYING TO EXPLAIN
ANYTHING ABOUT ME
FOR HIM
OR ANYONE
TO "UNDERSTAND" ME
WHEN I'M NOT THAT HARD
TO "UNDERSTAND."

Never was "hard" to understand.

I'D RATHER BE "ALONE"
THAN BE AROUND PEOPLE
WHO DELIBERATELY.....
SLAMMED THE DOOR IN THEIR OWN FACE....
REPEATEDLY. 

CRABS IN THE BUCKET.
ALL THE FKERS WHO WANTED TO HOLD ME BACK.
WANTED ME TO FEEL "SMALL."

TO "LOOK DOWN" ON ME....

THE ONLY TIMES I LOOK DOWN ON PEOPLE
IS WHEN THEY PLAY GAMES
ARE ABOUT BS
WANT TO BE THINKING XYZ ABOUT ME....
NEVER ASKING ME ANYTHING....
JUST ASSUME....! WHY NOT???!

LIKE I WASN'T GOING TO FKN GO?????
EVENTUALLY???? WTF????

"TARGET A***."

I USED TO WANT TO FKN KNOW WHY............
BECAUSE IT WASN'T EVEN MAKING SENSE.......
IN A DECENT WORLD..... 
YOU'D THINK.....
YOU COULD.....
ACTUALLY TRUST.....
THE PEOPLE.....
YOU SHOULD HAVE.....
BEEN ABLE TO.....
TRUST.

CLOSURE.... FOR ME....
WAS HOW IT ENDED.

I DON'T NEED TO "CHASE CLARITY"
LIKE IT MATTERS TO ME MORE
THAN WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT HAPPENED MATTERS.

MORE THAN THE "WHY."

SO THEY CAN HAVE THE "WHY."

I ALREADY HAVE THE "WHAT."

AND THAT'S FINE. WITH ME.
BECAUSE? I GAVE THE CHANCE.....
NOT TO BE ABOUT XYZ.

AND????? THEY WANTED TO BE ABOUT THAT?????

SO THEN?????

WHY SHOULDN'T I BE COOL ON MY OWN?

I WAS SUPPOSED TO "FALL APART"
WITHOUT THEM?

WERE THEY THERE?

WHEN? 5% OF THE TIME OR LESS?

EVEN MENTALLY?

DID THEY ACT LIKE THEY WANTED TO BE?
LIKE I MATTERED TO THEM? 

NO?
SO THEN? 

I CAN LET GO. THAT'S WHAT.

ISN'T THAT WHAT I DID? YEAH?
A LONG TIME AGO? YEAH?

WHY WAS THAT? HMMM?

BECAUSE??????
DO THEY KNOW ME?

OR DO THEY WANT SOMETHING?

AND "FORGET" HOW THEY TREATED ME?

HMMM?

WAS HIS SH*T MINE TO CARRY?
FOREVER?

NO?

AT ALL?

NO?

ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS JUST TREAT ME WELL!
LIKE A DEAR FRIEND!

AT THE VERY FKN LEAST!

WAS I ASKING TO BE TREATED LIKE A WIFE?

WOULD I WANT TO MARRY A D*CK ANYWAY? NO?

ANYWAY.... THAT'S ALL HE HAD TO DO!
THAT'S IT.

BUT?????? WHAT? 

THAT????!!!!! REALLY?????!!!!!

AND I USED TO WANT TO KNOW WHY!

BUT..... THEY EXPECT ME TO FIX IT
WHEN THEY FK UP!

AND TEST THE WATER AFTER.

BUT NOW.... I GAVE UP.....
AND THEY GET TO FEEL THAT.

IF THEY COULDN'T SEE ANYTHING ABOUT ME.
THEY JUST WANTED WHAT THEY WANTED.

AND I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO WANT ANYTHING.
BECAUSE THAT DIDN'T MATTER.

THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
WANTING ME TO BE FAMILIAR....
AND WANTING TO ACTUALLY KNOW ME.

FAMILIAR LIKE A SAFE PLACE TO LAND....

AND ACTUALLY KNOWING ME
ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY VALUE ME FOR ME.

THEY MIGHT REMEMBER SOMETHING ABOUT ME....
WITHOUT REMEMBERING OTHER THINGS....
AND "FORGETTING" SOME THINGS...

WHEN I WANTED THE SAME CARE.
THE SAME CONSIDERATION. 

AND BEING PATIENT LONGER
WASN'T GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING.

WAITING LONGER
WASN'T GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING.

LIKE 12-YEAR DISCARD....
WANTED ME TO WAIT 12 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FOR 1/4 OF AN APOLOGY!

AFTER 12 YEARS.

"I M*SS A***, I'M GOING TO FK WITH HER FEELINGS SOME MORE."

COULD I EVEN BE MYSELF?
WITH HIM?
COULD WE TALK?

COULD WE SEE EACH OTHER?

COULD WE HAVE A NICE TIME?

NO?

BECAUSE....
I WAS SUPPOSED TO "CHASE" HIM FOR THAT????

FK THAT.

BOTH THOSE GUYS. FK THEM. 

I'M NOT BITTER ABOUT IT.... DO I SEEM LIKE I AM?

JUST TRYING MY BEST TO EXPLAIN....
WHY CERTAIN THINGS.... WERE BS.

SO THAT MAYBE.....
PEOPLE CAN UNDERSTAND.....

WHY IT WOULD BE BS.....

AND WOULD THINK ABOUT IT.....

BEFORE TREATING ANYONE....
LIKE THEY TREATED ME.

THAT'S ABOUT IT.

IF I WAS BITTER, I'D PROBABLY
BE RAGING AND WANTING REVENGE OR SOMETHING.
I DON'T.

DESPITE THE CAPS, I'M NOT ACTUALLY RAGING.

ABOUT THAT OR ANYTHING ELSE.

CAPS DON'T HAVE TO MEAN "RAGE."

WORDS ARE WORDS.
in lowercase
OR UPPERCASE.

OKAY?

WORDS.