They Don't Know How To React

When I'm done and give up on "getting through" to someone...
THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO REACT.

THEY DO REACT.
OFTEN BADLY.

BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO REACT.

I've had to "deal" with that.

DID I ALWAYS KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THAT?
NO.

DID I OFTEN REACT BADLY TO THEIR REACTION? 
YEAH.

TWO BAD REACTIONS ARE.... WHAT?
TWO BAD REACTIONS.

THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE.

DID I REACT WELL TO 12 YD?
WHEN HE TRIED TO COME BACK?

NOT ENTIRELY. I TRIED.

BUT HE NEEDED TO REALIZE SOME THINGS.

1) HE DIDN'T KNOW ME THEN
2) HE REALLY DOESN'T KNOW ME NOW
3) I DON'T HAVE TO GIVE HIM ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY TO WASTE
4) HE ALREADY WASTED THE OPPORTUNITY I ALREADY GAVE HIM
5) I'M NOT "SCARED" TO BE ALONE
6) I PREFER MY SOLITUDE OVER DISHONESTY AND BS

Can't "tell my story" when they don't know what it is!
FOOLISH.

Can exaggerate the things they know....
BUT FILLING IN THE BLANKS.... 

WITH WHAT I WON'T EXPLAIN YET AGAIN.....
BECAUSE NOBODY WAS LISTENING... 

THE MORE THEY TALK, THE MORE BLANKS THERE ARE.

THE TRUTH DOES THE TALKING.
FILLS THE BLANKS HONESTLY.

IN A WAY THEY COULD NEVER.

AND NUMBER 6...... IS A FACT. 
DID ANYONE ASK ME WHAT I MEANT?
DID ANYONE ASK ME WHY I SAID IT?

OR DID THAT JUST MEAN "A***'S TOXIC."

THERE IS A BRIDGE BETWEEN WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED
AND WHAT SOMEONE ASSUMED....
OR HOW THEY INTERPRETED. 

BECAUSE... IT'S EITHER ABOUT WHAT I SAY....
OR HOW I SAY IT.

If they NEED their INTERPRETATION
TO BE TRUE.....

THEIR ASSUMPTION.... 

"THEY PICK THE EXPLANATION THAT MAKES
THE MOST SENSE TO THEM."

THEIR OWN EXPLANATION.

NOT MINE.
NEVER ASKED FOR MINE.

AND SOMETIMES I DON'T OFFER ONE....
BECAUSE THEY ALREADY CHOSE THEIRS.

I HAVE TO "DEFEND" MYSELF....
INSIDE SOMEONE ELSE'S "VERSION" OF EVENTS.

"IT'S YOUR TONE." REALLY?

IF I SAY IT THE WAY THEY WOULD....
WOULD THEY "UNDERSTAND" WHAT I'M SAYING?
AND WHY I'M SAYING IT?

THEY WANT MY REACTION
TO SUPPORT THEIR INTERPRETATION. 

BUT THEY NEVER ASKED ME!

THEY ASSUMED XYZ, AND THEIR ASSUMPTION
WAS THEIR INTERPRETATION. 

LIKE WHEN I LEFT THE "SECURITY" MEETING.
LIKE I HAD A RIGHT TO DO....
BUT.... THAT BECAME AN INTERPRETATION
OF MY ENTIRE PERSONALITY!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE I WAS "TOO ANGRY" OR WHATEVER....

NO.... BECAUSE.... I HAD A "RIGHT"
TO JUST LEAVE. 

SIMPLE.

DID THEY LISTEN TO WHAT I SAID?
OR HOW I SAID IT?

AND THEY WANT ME TO "ARGUE"
WITH THEIR VERSION OF WHAT "HAPPENED."

Someone made a point... 
She was saying... 

YOU CAN ASSUME WHY PEOPLE MAKE ASSUMPTIONS.

WAS IT FAIR FOR THEM TO TWIST MY WORDS?

"NOTICING SOMETHING
ISN'T THE SAME AS KNOWING WHAT IT MEANS."

I CAN NOTICE THEY ASSUMED SOMETHING ABOUT ME.

IT CAN BUG ME THAT THEY DO THAT SH*T TO ME, 
ALL THE TIME!

YOU CAN SEPARATE WHAT YOU KNOW....
FROM WHAT YOU THINK YOU KNOW.

JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU KNOW SOMETHING....
DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU DO!

THEY THOUGHT THEY KNEW WHAT I MEANT.
THINKING THEY KNEW WHAT I MEANT
ISN'T THE SAME THING AS KNOWING.

THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE POINT WAS!
IT BECOMES: "YOUR TONE."

OR "YOUR FACIAL EXPRESSIONS"
OR SOMETHING ELSE.

"SHE LEFT."

YES, I DID.

WASN'T A POINT IN STAYING. 

SHOULD I TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
FOR ANYONE'S INTERPRETATION
OF WHAT I SAID?

EVEN THOUGH THE WORDS I ACTUALLY SAID.....
SHOULD HAVE BEEN SUFFICIENT.

BUT NOBODY LOOKS AT WHAT I SAID.

IF THEY DID..... THEY WOULD LIKELY "UNDERSTAND"
WHY I SAID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I THOUGHT YOUR TONE MEANT XYZ...."
BUT DID IT?

OR DID MY WORDS MEAN WHAT THEY MEANT?
LIKE THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO?

HAVING TO RE-EXPLAIN CERTAIN THINGS....
THAT SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE RE-EXPLAINED.....
OR CLARIFIED....

IS.... FRUSTRATING.

HAVING TO TRY TO CONVINCE SOMEONE.....
THAT THEY CONVINCED THEMSELVES.....

IS.... FRUSTRATING.

BUT THEY "INTERPRET" YOUR WORDS...
AND "BEHAVIOR."

BECAUSE IF YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN THAT MEETING....
AND YOU WALKED OUT ON THE BS....

BECAUSE IT WASN'T GOING ANYWHERE....

AND IF THEY ARE "WRONG"
WILL THEY ADMIT THEY WERE?

IF THEY MADE A "MISTAKE"
WILL THEY ADMIT THEY DID?

I CAN "EXPLAIN" SOMETHING....
OR "CLARIFY"

BUT IF ANYONE IS COMMITTED.....
TO "MISINTERPRETING"
OR"MISUNDERSTANDING" ME.... 

IS THERE A POINT.... IN TRYING TO "CONVINCE" THEM?

OUT OF THEIR OWN BS?

I CAN GIVE "EXAMPLES" OF WHAT I MEANT.....
IN WAYS THEY MIGHT UNDERSTAND THEM... 

BUT... DO MY EXAMPLES
GUARANTEE THAT.... 
THEY WILL "UNDERSTAND"?

THEY EITHER GET IT OR THEY DON'T!
RIGHT?

BUT.... MY POINT IS....
IF YOU THINK YOU GOT IT....
WHEN YOU ACTUALLY DIDN'T.....

DOES THAT MEAN YOU GOT IT?
BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU DID?

ARE YOU THINKING YOU GOT IT... 
OR DID YOU GET IT?

ARE THOSE THE SAME THINGS?
NO?

THAT IS THE POINT.

THINKING YOU GOT SOMETHING... 
THAT YOU ACTUALLY DIDN'T....
BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO BUSY THINKING YOU DID... 

IS NOT THE SAME THING....
AS ACTUALLY GETTING IT.

So..... THINKING.... That they "get" ME.....
IS NOT THE SAME THING.....
AS UNDERSTANDING ME.

IF THEY CAN'T UNDERSTAND MY WORDS....
AND WHY I SAID WHAT I SAID....

HOW ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO UNDERSTAND ME?

THEY DON'T.

So "expecting" them to understand me....
ISN'T LOGICAL.

WOULDN'T IT BE GROOVY?
JUST TO BE UNDERSTOOD?

BUT? WHEN AM I? EVER? UNDERSTOOD?

WHEN I USE EXAMPLES?
THAT MAKES SENSE?

WHEN I PUT IT IN WRITING?

WHEN THERE'S NO WAY TO TWIST MY WORDS?
INTO SOMETHING I DIDN'T SAY?

ONLY THEN?

If they PUT THEMSELVES IN MY SHOES?
IF THEY EVEN CAN?

BUT WHEN DO THEY EVER DO THAT?
DO THEY EVEN TRY TO?

But??? "A*** has BOUNDARIES?"
"SHE'S TOXIC FOR HAVING BOUNDARIES!"

"FOR NOT WANTING TO PUT UP WITH MY SH*T.... AGAIN."

TRYING TO "RETURN" LIKE THEY DIDN'T FK ME AROUND....
RIGHT?

IF I DID THAT SH*T.... WOULD THEY WANT TO "RECONNECT"?
OR NO????

PROBABLY NOT.

BUT "CAN'T" PUT THEMSELVES IN MY SHOES.
NOT EVEN FOR THAT. 

DO I GAF IF THEY "UNDERSTAND" ANYTHING ELSE? NO!

BUT IF THEY UNDERSTOOD THAT... JUST THAT....
THEY'D UNDERSTAND....

WHY I HAVE THOSE "BOUNDARIES."

AND WHY I HAVE TO OPERATE FROM THAT "SPACE."

DO I WANT TO? NO?

Why It Stung

I already wrote about how Mirror Smasher.....
Was my first crush. 

I was a child. So was he. 
I was 2 years old. 
He was 4.

When his mom and my mom stopped being friends....

MY MOM TOLD ME THAT I WAS NEVER GOING TO SEE HIM AGAIN!

I CRIED FOR DAYS.....!

MY GRANDMOTHER..... BLESS HER..... TOLD ME.....
TO GET ME TO STOP CRYING.....
THAT I WOULD, ONE DAY.

THEN WHEN I TURNED 4 YEARS OLD....
ALL I WANTED....
FOR MY BIRTHDAY....
WAS TO HAVE A LITTLE PARTY
AND HAVE HIM COME TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY.

HE DID COME! WITH HIS MOM.

AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF:
"I'M GOING TO MARRY HIM ONE DAY."

AND I DIDN'T SEE HIM AGAIN, 
AFTER THAT.... UNTIL HIGH SCHOOL.

HE DIDN'T REMEMBER ME.
HIS MOM DID.

DO 4-YEAR-OLDS THINK:
"I'M GOING TO RUIN HIS LIFE!
I'M GOING TO TAKE XYZ FROM HIM!"
OR WHATEVER TF?

NO. 

Anyway, that's why it stung. 
BECAUSE MY INTENTIONS WERE PURE.
HOW I FELT WAS REAL.

Maybe all that I was hoping for, if anything....
WAS FOR HIM TO SEE THAT. JUST THAT.

In my mind, if he saw that.... 
He'd see other things, too. 

So BEING TREATED LIKE THAT...........
ALL THAT CARELESSNESS.......

DID HURT. AT THE TIME.....
MORE THAN EVEN I THOUGHT IT WOULD.

BECAUSE BEFORE THAT.....
I CARRIED A LOT ALREADY.

I DIDN'T THINK HE'D ADD TO IT.

I WAS HOPING HE'D SEE THAT
AND NOT WANT TO ADD TO THAT.

NOBODY SAW WHAT I SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO
CARRY.....
WITHOUT MORE BEING ADDED TO IT.

Someone asked me today: "What's your biggest trauma?"

I can't really point to just one thing as being "the biggest."
Because I've been through a lot of sh*ttiness.

So I told him how my father died.

At the time.... It was traumatic....
BECAUSE A 12-YEAR-OLD DOESN'T KNOW 
HOW TO DEAL WITH THAT.

THAT WAS 30 YEARS AGO.
I HAD 30 YEARS TO THINK ABOUT THAT.

TO PROCESS IT, IN SOME WAY. I DID THAT.

WHO WAS THERE FOR ME WHEN I HAD TO?
ANYONE?

I HAD WRITING. WRITING WAS THERE FOR ME.
UNDERSTAND WHY IT MATTERS TO ME?

I told him how I made peace with it.
HE DIDN'T WANT TO SUFFER.

HIS MOTHER AND HIS BROTHER
BOTH DIED OF CANCER.

IF HE HAD CANCER, TOO, 
HE PROBABLY DIDN'T WANT TO SUFFER.

JUST THAT.

EASIER TO CARRY THAT. 

Everything that happened after that..... 
LIKE BEING EMANCIPATED FROM MY MOTHER....
AND HER CHOOSING THAT....
AND ME NOT HAVING A SAY IN THAT....
AND BEING FORCED INTO PLACES I DIDN'T WANT TO BE IN....
WITH BS RULES I DIDN'T AGREE TO.....

I HAD TO CARRY THAT, TOO.

I had to carry a lot of things that I hardly ever talk about.

WHY DON'T I TALK ABOUT THOSE THINGS?
THERE ISN'T MUCH OF A POINT.

BECAUSE EVEN IF I HAD..... ANYONE.... TO TELL.....
WHAT WOULD BE THE POINT IN TELLING THEM?

DID I EVER WANT "PITY" FROM ANYONE?
OR.... UNDERSTANDING?

AND.... WHO.... WOULD UNDERSTAND?
THOSE THINGS?

Heartbreak.... Sure... On some level, we can all understand that... 
Grief.... Sure... On some level, we can all understand that...

But why should I have to tell people WHY I'm tired?
Carrying things for a long time.... Can weigh on someone.
After a long time of carrying it. 

So.... Some things I don't carry anymore.
And.... Not carrying those things anymore....

HAS MADE A DIFFERENCE FOR ME.

NOT THAT I "NEED" SOMEONE "BESIDE ME"
TO "HELP ME" CARRY ANYTHING
I'VE ALREADY CARRIED THIS LONG BY MYSELF. 

BECAUSE.... I DON'T AND NEVER DID.

I found it interesting. As a question. 
I didn't ask him why he asked me that.

I didn't ask him what his is.
I didn't ask him why he wanted to know.

I thought: We already had a conversation
ABOUT HOW IMPORTANT TRUST IS
TO BOTH OF US.

I DIDN'T GET THE FEELING:
"HE'S GOING TO USE THIS AGAINST ME."

SO I TOLD HIM. OPENLY. HONESTLY. 
I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM TALKING ABOUT MY PAST.
MY PAST, THOUGH, IS THE PAST.

I'M NOT THE 12-YEAR-OLD GIRL WHO HAD TO SIT WITH THAT, 
WHILE OTHER KIDS MY AGE HAD THEIR FATHERS.

WHILE HAVING TO FKN SING "TEARS IN HEAVEN"
WITH MY CLASS.... THAT SAME YEAR.... 

THE SONG I SANG WITH HIM IN HIS TRUCK....

I'M NOT THE 13-YEAR-OLD NOBODY WANTED.

I'M NOT THE MOTHER WHO NEVER GOT MARRIED....

I'M NOT THE PERSON WHO'S BEEN DISREGARDED......
FOR YEARS..... OVERLOOKED....
BY ALMOST EVERYONE....
ALL THE TIME....

I AM THE WRITER WHO WROTE.
THE THINKER WHO THOUGHT.
THE FEELER WHO FELT.

THROUGH EVERY LITTLE DAMN THING....
I EVER WENT THROUGH IN MY LIFE.....

ALONE.

SO NOBODY CAN SAY "I WAS THERE FOR HER"
WHEN THEY WEREN'T!

WHEN THEY COULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE
TO STEP UP....

TO ACTUALLY.....
"BE THERE" FOR ME....

BUT???? WRITING WAS THERE FOR ME.

WRITING DOESN'T DISAPPOINT ME, OR HURT ME....
WRITING DOESN'T JUDGE ME OR MAKE ASSUMPTIONS.
WRITING NEVER TURNED ITS BACK ON ME FOR A REACTION.
WRITING NEVER PLAYED GAMES WITH ME.
WRITING NEVER TREATED ME IN WAYS I DIDN'T DESERVE....
FOR "REASONS" I DIDN'T DESERVE... TO BE TREATED.... LIKE THAT.

WRITING NEVER MADE A MOCKERY..... OF MY PAIN.
OR TREATED ME LIKE A JOKE. 

Or treated me like HAVING HUMAN FEELINGS
MADE ME A "PROBLEM."

OR QUESTIONED ANYTHING ABOUT ME.
NEVER DOUBTED ME, NOT ONCE.

WRITING WAS MY "SAFE PLACE"
AND HAS BEEN.... SINCE I WAS VERY YOUNG.

SINCE I COULD WRITE.
HAVING THAT.... WAS ALL I NEEDED. EVER.

So that's all I had... And it... Kept me going....
FOR MOST OF MY LIFE.

AND I CAN'T EXPECT ANYONE TO UNDERSTAND THAT.
I DON'T GAF IF THEY DO OR DON'T.

THAT'S FOR ME, NOT THEM.
THEY CAN HAVE THEIR OWN THINGS.
IF THEY WRITE, MAYBE IT CAN HELP THEM, TOO.

BUT IT'S FOR ME TO UNDERSTAND THAT, NOT THEM.

SAME WITH.... UNDERSTANDING....
EVERYTHING I CAME TO.... UNDERSTAND....
IN SOME WAY.....
FROM JUST..... EXPRESSING SOME THINGS....

HOW EXPRESSING IT.... MEANT.....
I DIDN'T HAVE TO CARRY IT FOREVER.
ON MY SHOULDERS... 
LIKE BEFORE.

And that.... Maybe.... Some other humans....
Might understand pieces of it here and there, if they could. 

If they couldn't.... Then they couldn't... 
And that is okay.

I WOULDN'T WANT THEM TO KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE.

BECAUSE I DO. 

I HAD TO LIVE WITH THAT STUFF....
CONSTANTLY....

AS THOUGH THERE WASN'T REALLY SUCH A THING....
AS TAKING A BREAK FROM IT....

THERE IS, BUT IT'S NOT QUITE LIKE THAT....
BECAUSE IT'S STILL THERE UNDERNEATH EVERYTHING. 

IT'S EASIER TRYING TO ACT LIKE I'M OKAY.
AND LETTING PEOPLE THINK I AM.

AND THEN JUST HANDLING EVERYTHING ON MY OWN...
LIKE I ALWAYS HAD TO DO ANYWAY.

LETTING "EVERYTHING" BE "MY FAULT"
ALL THE FKN TIME.

NO MATTER WHAT.

BECAUSE NOBODY CAN SEE AND COULD CARE LESS
ABOUT THE TRUTH.

BUT????? THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD SAY.

TRYING TO EARN THE RIGHT TO BE "HEARD"
IS FKN EXHAUSTING.

BY FKN EVERYONE.

WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO EARN THAT "RIGHT"?

SOME PEOPLE.... JUDGE MY CHARACTER.....
ON THINGS I NEVER EVEN GET TO FKN SAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ON QUESTIONS I NEVER GOT TO ANSWER!

THEY NEVER TALK ABOUT WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED!
ONLY ABOUT WHAT THEY THINK I'M LIKE.

BECAUSE NOBODY ACTUALLY KNOWS.

EVEN BEING CONFUSED ABOUT WHY
THAT WAS EVEN HAPPENING....

GETS USED AGAINST ME.

WHAT SOMEONE TELLS THEM....
ISN'T THE WHOLE THING.

BUT....???? DID THEY EVER ASK ME?
OR DID THEY JUMP ON BELIEVING
WHATEVER WAS EASY TO BELIEVE?

2 VERSIONS OF THE SAME THING
CAN'T BOTH BE ACCURATE.

BEING CLEAR DOESN'T MEAN BEING BELIEVED.
OR HAVING THE TRUTH ACKNOWLEDGED.

IF EVERY CONVERSATION I TRIED TO HAVE.....
ENDS UP IN ANOTHER "MISUNDERSTANDING..."

IF EVERY ACCUSATION AGAINST ME...
AGAINST MY CHARACTER....

HAVING TO EXPLAIN MYSELF
YET AGAIN....
WOULD HAVE WHAT?

DONE SOMETHING?
CHANGED SOMETHING?

ANYTHING?
NOTHING?

BUT IT'S ONLY "CORRECT"
WHEN SOMEONE ELSE CORRECTS IT?
ABOUT MYSELF?

PEOPLE ALREADY DECIDED?????
NOT TO LISTEN!!!!!!!!!! TO ME!

SO???? WHAT WAS THERE FOR ME TO SAY?
ANYTHING?

THAT WOULD HAVE "MADE SENSE" TO THEM?

SETTING THE RECORD STRAIGHT DOES WHAT?

GETS ME THE RESPECT I WOULD HAVE HAD?

IT WOULD MAKE ME LOOK "DEFENSIVE."
STAYING QUIET MAKES ME LOOK LIKE I HAVE 
SOMETHING TO HIDE.

EXCEPT I REALIZED:
IF I'M NOT GOING TO BE BELIEVED.....
IS THERE A POINT?

IN TRYING TO CONVINCE ANYONE?
OF THE TRUTH?

WHEN THEY DIDN'T SEEM TO CARE ABOUT IT?

OR ABOUT ME?

PEOPLE LOOK AT ONE THING
AND THINK THEY KNOW EVERYTHING.

WITHOUT ASKING ME ANYTHING.

BUGS ME.... BUT.... THEY DO THIS.

BUT......? WHAT DO THEY LOOK AT?
AND WHY THAT?
AND ONLY THAT?

Testing Me

Testing me does what???? Do you know? 
I'll tell you:

IT P*SSES ME OFF.
IT TURNS ME OFF.

NOT NEEDED. 

"They couldn't see the real in you 
because they were too busy being fake."

"They made this mess trying to sabotage."

"Playing games for the clout."

MISSED OPPORTUNITY.
BECAUSE: COULD HAVE APPRECIATED ME
WHEN I WAS THERE....
TRYING.

And? I ALREADY TRIED.

I don't gaf if he reads it.
Or if any of the fkers who wasted my time read this. 

IT'S NOT JUST BECAUSE OF THEIR INFLUENCES
IT WAS THEIR CHOICES.

WANTED ME TO STEP OUT OF CHARACTER.

BUT WHEN THEY AREN'T SATISFIED
WITH WHAT THEY CHOSE.....

THEY TRY TO COME BACK 12 YEARS LATER?

WELP, KEEP THAT ENERGY.

I CAN TEACH PEOPLE BY LETTING THEM HAVE
WHAT THEY CHOSE. 

THEY WANTED THAT, RIGHT?
SO THEN?

"I DON'T HAVE TO CARE ABOUT A***."
SURE ACTED LIKE THEY DIDN'T!

I LET THEM HAVE THAT.
THAT IS WHAT THEY WANTED.

NOT THE REACTION THEY WANTED.
RIGHT?

THEY CAN GIVE THEM A TASTE OF THEIR OWN MEDICINE!
THEY DON'T LIKE IT....
BUT THEY CAN HAVE THAT.

It's just been exhausting, actually. 
EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT.

And it's not worth feeling how I even felt about it, 
INITIALLY. 

I'm not ANGRY. Disappointed???? FK YEAH I AM.

WHY WAIT FKN 12 YEARS???????? WHY?
JUST TO DO THE EXACT SAME SH*T?????

Anyway, YEAH.... DISAPPOINTED AF.

But that's that. 

Have I been DISAPPOINTED before? FK YEAH.

AM I TIRED OF THAT???? FK YEAH!

TIRED OF WHAT????? TRYING???????
FOR THAT? FOR NOTHING?
TO BE FKD AROUND? CONSTANTLY?

FALSE HOPES?

That would tire a person out!!!!!!!!! Would it not?

AND WHEN THEY GET TREATED
BY SOMEONE ELSE
THE WAY THEY TREATED ME.... 
THEN THEY SEE MY SIDE.... 

BUT????? DID THEY WANT TO SEE MY SIDE?????
WHEN THEY WERE DOING IT TO ME?

NO. THEY DIDN'T WANT TO!
REFUSED TO!

GASLIGHTING:
IF THAT HAPPENED....

NO.
I WON'T QUESTION MY OWN REALITY. 

HOW FKN INSULTING IS THAT SH*T??????
VERY???????

AND IF I HAD DONE THAT SH*T TO HIM????????
HMMM?????

IF THEY CAN'T EVEN DECIDE....
IF THEY EVEN WANT TO JUST BE FKN DECENT.....

THEN? I DECIDE FOR THEM: 
THEY GET FK ALL.

Anyway, I just.... FKN GIVE UP ON HAVING ANYTHING
EVEN REMOTELY CLOSE
TO THE "PARTNERSHIP"

THAT WOULD BE "NICE" TO HAVE. 

SURE, WOULD HAVE BEEN "NICE."
BUT????? WASN'T TO BE.... OBVIOUSLY. 

Would have been nice to have some things in common. 
Right?

But.... I don't even have the fkn EMOTIONAL BANDWIDTH
TO FKN KEEP TRYING
FOR THE REST OF MY FKN LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOT ANY MORE! WORN OUT. DONE.

"WHY ARE YOU WRITING ABOUT IT IF YOU'RE DONE?"

WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE. JUST THAT.

ESPECIALLY AFTER ALL THE BS. "FINALLY."

THE RELIEF OF NEVER HAVING TO GO THROUGH THAT SH*T
EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ACTUALLY FKN MATTERING!!!!!!!!! FOR ONCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TO SOMEONE WHO MATTERED TO ME!

TO MATTER TO EACH OTHER.
BUT????? 

I DON'T FKN HAVE TO MATTER TO FKN ANYONE.
I DON'T GAF ABOUT THAT ANYMORE. 
I USED TO!

IT USED TO MATTER TO ME!
MATTERING USED TO MATTER TO ME!

I CARED ABOUT BEING CARED ABOUT!

WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE.

FOR SOMEONE TO FEEL SOMETHING FOR ME, TOO.
JUST THAT. 

THAT WAS PRETTY MUCH ALL I WANTED.
TO MATTER AND TO BE CARED ABOUT.

I ALREADY FKN KNOW THAT I'M NOT GOING TO BE
"LOVED"
OR "VALUED"
OR "APPRECIATED."

OR FKN ANYTHING LIKE THAT!

BUT TO MATTER AND BE CARED ABOUT....?
WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE.

AND I DO NOT HAVE TO "BE BACK" IN ANYONE'S LIFE
IF THEY ALREADY FKN SHOWED ME
THAT I DIDN'T FKN MATTER TO THEM! 

RIGHT?

IF THEY ALREADY SHOWED ME
HOW LITTLE THEY CARED.

ONLY WHEN IT WAS FKN CONVENIENT FOR THEM. 
ONLY IF THEY WERE GOING TO GET SOMETHING THEY WANTED.

WITHOUT GIVING A FK WHAT I WANTED.

SURE, I WANTED THAT.....
BUT????? DID I NEED IT?????

I'VE SURVIVED! ON MY OWN! THIS LONG!

WITHOUT WHAT????? HMMM?
WITHOUT WHO????? HMMM?

I DID!!!!!!!! ON MY OWN!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO DID I "NEED" THAT?
OR "NEED" ANYONE?

FK NO!!!!!!!!!
DIDN'T!!!!!!

"We don't always get rainbows and sprinkles."
WE SURE DON'T.

BUT WHEN THEY TOSS ME AWAY
LIKE I WAS NOTHING
AFTER TREATING ME
LIKE I WAS NOTHING....

I DON'T FKN HAVE TO BE ANYTHING 
TO THEM!!!!!!!!!!!

OR FOR THEM!!!!!!!!!!

I DON'T! AND I DON'T WANT TO, EITHER!

IMAGINE THAT!

BUT DO I "HATE" THEM? NO!!!!!!!!!!!
JUST DON'T WANT TO FKN TRY AGAIN.....
BECAUSE I ALREADY FKN DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FOR A LONG TIME...
I DIDN'T EVEN LET MYSELF FEEL SAD ABOUT IT.

I WAS P*SSED OFF, YES.....
CERTAIN THINGS ARE FKN INSULTING AF!!!!!!!

BUT OTHER THAN THAT?
JUST DISAPPOINTED AND SAD.
MOSTLY. 

SO YEAH... I LET THAT SADNESS HIT.
WHICH IS OKAY.

I'M ALLOWED TO FEEL THAT.
AT THE VERY LEAST.

DID IT STING? YEAH. IT DID..... 
BUT... THAT'S THAT.

IT DOESN'T STING LIKE IT ONCE DID.

JUST... KINDA SAD ABOUT IT. 

NOT THAT I HAVE TO DWELL ON IT FOREVER. 

Mirror Smasher..... HE WAS MY FIRST CRUSH. EVER.
I SHOULD HAVE KEPT MY FEELINGS TO MYSELF.
I TOOK THAT RISK.

I TOLD HIM.
BUT HE WASN'T THE ONLY ONE WHO KNEW.

THAT'S WHY I WAS "THE TARGET."

HE WENT OUT OF HIS WAY TO TREAT ME LIKE CRAP.
BECAUSE OF THEM. 

AND WHAT COULD I DO?
BUT? LEAVE.

THEY WANTED THAT. 

SO WHAT WAS THE POINT?

THE POINT.... I TOLD HIM. AT LEAST.

THEY RUINED IT. 

NOT THE FIRST TIME THAT HAPPENED.

BUT I DON'T "NEED" ANYONE.
DIDN'T NEED HIM.... 

COULDN'T UNSEE ANY OF THAT.
AND HE ALLOWED IT.

SO THEN? 

I HAD TO JUST.... GO. 

AS MUCH AS THAT SUCKED... 
THAT WAS PLANNED.

EXHAUSTING, BUT.... THAT'S.... THAT.

I COULDN'T KEEP GOING LIKE THAT.
WHY WOULD I WANT TO?

IT WAS SH*TTY!

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SH*TTY.
TO PUSH ME OUT.

BEEN TIRED OF IT. 

WISH HE WOULD HAVE SEEN IT.
AND NOT ALLOWED IT,
BUT HE DIDN'T SEE IT.
HE ALLOWED THAT.

NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO ALLOWED THAT.

So then.... I DON'T REALLY WANT TO TRY ANYMORE.
OKAY?

IS THAT FAIR?

I had to protect myself
FROM SOMETHING DESIGNED
TO WEAR ME DOWN.

IT WAS WEARING ME DOWN.
HAD ENOUGH.
MORE THAN ENOUGH.

OF CRAP LIKE THAT.

Been dragged through the mud....
FOR WHAT?

YEAH. IT STUNG. IT DID.
BUT NOW?

I'M OKAY. BEEN OKAY. WILL BE.

MOVING FORWARD CAN DO THAT TO PEOPLE.

I DON'T HAVE TO PUT MYSELF LAST. NEVER DID.
Never had to do that. 

Why was I doing that?
Maybe I had my own insecurities. 

MAYBE I WAS QUESTIONING MY OWN REALITY.

BUT WHY DOES IT TAKE FOR ME TO MOVE FORWARD....
FOR THEM TO LOOK BACK, IN ANY WAY?

AFTER DOING THAT SH*T TO ME?

LIKE.... WHY DOES IT TAKE SEEING ME HAPPY
FINALLY....
TO EVEN THINK ABOUT ME AT ALL?

RECOVERING FROM THAT CRAP....
IN GENERAL.....

WHY DOES IT TAKE THAT?

I DON'T KNOW WHY!

AM I NOT "ALLOWED" TO RECOVER?
TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE?

TO EVEN BE WITH SOMEONE WHO WOULDN'T
TREAT ME LIKE THAT?

EVER?

IF THAT WERE TO HAPPEN?

AND WHAT IF I DO?
ONE DAY?

WHY WOULD IT TAKE THAT?
FOR THEM TO EVEN THINK ABOUT ME?

JUST FKN WEIRD. 

It's Easy When

It's easy to walk away when YOU NEVER WANTED ANYTHING FROM THEM.
The ones who did want something.....
ARE THERE FOR THAT AND ONLY THAT.

That's not what I was there for. 

BUT I WASN'T THERE FOR GAMES OR BS, EITHER.

That's what people CHOSE.... Those paths.

And because they didn't want to LISTEN...
WHAT IS THERE TO SAY, NOW?

"WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

FINE. DON'T.
FIND OUT ON YOUR OWN IF YOU MUST.

But I had a choice, too. TO GO.
AND LEAVE THEM TO THEIR OWN SH*T.

I WAITED FAR TOO LONG.
JUST TO BE BETRAYED.

WHEN THE TABLES TURN.....
AND THE GAMES ARE PLAYED ON THEM.....
IT'S NOT "FUNNY" ANYMORE.

NOT LAUGHING, ALTHOUGH IT IS SOMEWHAT AMUSING.

BECAUSE.... THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO....
PLAY THEMSELVES BY TRYING TO PLAY WITH ME.

CAN'T TAKE BACK WHAT CAN'T BE UNDONE.

CHOSE TO PLAY.... AND CHOSE ALL THAT.
I TRIED TO TELL THEM, DIDN'T I?

I DID. I ALREADY TRIED.
CARED ENOUGH TO TRY.

BUT? "WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

OKAY THEN.... I'LL LET YOU FIND OUT.
SINCE THAT IS WHAT YOU WANTED.

DID I WANT THEM TO FIND OUT LIKE THAT? NO?
THAT'S WHY I TRIED TO TELL THEM? YEAH?

BUT? "WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

SO THEN? DON'T. LISTEN TO EVERYONE ELSE.
AND FIND OUT THE WAY YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO.

I'M OKAY WITH THAT.
It sucks, yeah, but? I'm okay with that.

Because I have to be. Did I want that? No.
But.... It seems.... Most dudes I've dealt with....

Have been like that. 

It just... It was exhausting having to deal with that sh*t. 

Having to and being expected to....

UNTIL I STOPPED WANTING TO BE THERE.
FOR WHAT?

CRUMBS?

FOR EMOTIONAL UNAVAILABILITY?
FOR EGOTISM?

FOR A BUNCH OF SH*T I NEVER SIGNED UP FOR?

DISREGARDED AND DISCARDED.
OVER AND OVER.

AND WANTED ME TO MOVE FIRST.
EVEN THOUGH IT WASN'T UP TO ME.

IT'S NOT FOR ME TO "FIX"
WHAT I DIDN'T BREAK. 

MANY PEOPLE.... I DON'T SEE THE SAME ANYMORE.

HOW COULD I SEE THEM THE WAY THAT I USED TO?
THEY AREN'T THE PEOPLE I THOUGHT THEY WERE.

Pushing me to SHUT DOWN.... DOES WHAT?
CAUSE ME TO: SHUT DOWN.

AND WHEN I DO..... I DO THAT.

THEY DO SH*T TO ME AND WOULDN'T ACCEPT IT
FROM ME.

AND THINK IT'S FUNNY.
THEY ENJOY IT.

UNTIL SOMEONE DOES THAT SH*T TO THEM.

THEN THEY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT SH*T.
NOT IN THE WAYS THAT I DO.

THEY WOULDN'T KNOW HOW TO
WALK A MILE IN MY SHOES. 

WOULDN'T MAKE IT DOWN THE BLOCK
AND AROUND THE CORNER
IN MY SHOES.

WHEN THEY REALIZE THEY WASTED THEIR OWN TIME
BY WASTING MINE....

TIME.... WAS... ALREADY WASTED.

BUT HOW SELFISH DO THEY HAVE TO BE
TO WANT SOMETHING FROM ME
12 YEARS LATER?

AND? WHAT DID I WANT?
DID ANYONE KNOW? NO?
DID IT MATTER ANYWAY? NO?

Until they understand... They have to "get through it"
JUST LIKE I HAD TO.
WITHOUT THEM OR ANYONE ELSE.

Forced to, on my own....
Multiple times. 

People who DID ME WRONG, 
KNOW THAT THEY DID.
BECAUSE THEY CHOSE TO DO IT.

THEY THINK IT WAS A FKN JOKE. 
THEY ARE THE FKN JOKE. 

BECAUSE ANYONE WHO DID ME WRONG.....
DON'T GET TO BE IN MY LIFE ANYMORE.

AND A BS APOLOGY ISN'T GOING TO "CUT IT."
THAT'S NOT WHAT I FKN WANT OR NEED.

I NEEDED AND WANTED THEM 
TO FKN STOP WITH THEIR SH*T.

TO STOP WITH THEIR SH*T BEFORE THAT SH*T
EVEN STARTED!!!!!!

THE "APOLOGY" I GOT FROM 12-YD.....
IT CAME WITH AN AGENDA.

BECAUSE HE DIDN'T CONTACT ME FOR NO REASON. 

HE WANTED SOMETHING. FROM ME.

AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO "FORGIVE HIM"
AND LET HIM DO HIS SH*T ALL OVER AGAIN.

EVEN IF I "FORGAVE HIM".....
IT'D BE THE SAME SH*T AGAIN
BECAUSE HE DIDN'T SEEM TO "UNDERSTAND"
WTF HE EVEN DID THE FIRST TIME.

BECAUSE HE "FORGOT" WHAT HE DID.

THAT BS WASN'T LOVE.

IT WAS A FKN TRAUMA BOND.
FKN IGNORANCE. 

MIRROR SMASHER EVEN USED THE TERM
TRAUMA BOND. 

TRAUMA BONDS AREN'T LOVE. 
THEY ARE BS. 

BS I DON'T NEED. 

I'M NOT "PETTY" FOR NOT "GETTING OVER IT."

THEY WOULDN'T ALLOW ME TO DO THAT SH*T.
NOT THAT I WOULD....

BUT HE WOULDN'T. EITHER OF THEM.

BECAUSE THAT'S "TOXIC."

RIGHT?

BUT POINTING THAT OUT IS "TOXIC" TOO, APPARENTLY!
AND NOT WANTING THAT SH*T.

WHY WOULDN'T THAT DOOR BE LOCKED NOW?

I DON'T OWE BLIND LOYALTY OR RESPECT.
FOR WHAT I DON'T FKN RESPECT. 

"I HURT HER FEELINGS. SHE'LL GET OVER IT."
I WAS "SUPPOSED TO," RIGHT?

IT WASN'T ABOUT MERELY "HURTING MY FEELINGS."
IT WAS ABOUT FKN DISRESPECTING ME.

I LOST RESPECT DURING AND BECAUSE OF THAT. 

I DON'T HAVE TO "RESPECT" ANYONE DOING THAT SH*T.

DOING SH*T TO "SPITE" ME. FK THAT SH*T.

THEY WON'T CHANGE BECAUSE:
OLD DOG, NEW TRICKS.

WARPED PERCEPTIONS. 

"YOU SHOULD JUST GET OVER IT."
NO, YOU SHOULD HAVE FKD OFF WITH THAT SH*T.

JUST BEING HURT DOESN'T GIVE THEM THE RIGHT
TO DO ANY OF THAT SH*T TO ME OR ANYONE ELSE.

LIVING IN A FALSE REALITY. 

IT'D BE LIKE BEATING A DEAD HORSE. 

THAT'S WHAT IT WAS LIKE THE FIRST TIME!
WITH BOTH THOSE FKERS.

SO WHY SHOULD I GAF WHAT HE WANTED?????
DID HE GAF WHAT I DID?

DID HE KNOW? 
THOUGHT HE DID.

THOUGHT THEY BOTH DID. 

I GIVE UP ON ANYONE FKN KNOWING WHAT I WANTED!
WHAT VERY FKN LITTLE I ACTUALLY WANTED!

I GIVE UP ON THAT.

IT ONLY MATTERED TO ME ANYWAY!

SO THEY GET TO BE DISAPPOINTED.
JUST LIKE I WAS.

THEY DON'T GET WHAT THEY WANTED.
JUST LIKE I DIDN'T. 

FAIR!!!!

NOBODY SEEMS TO KNOW WHAT I WANTED!
THE VERY LITTLE I WANTED!

THE VERY LITTLE THAT SHOULDN'T BE TOO HARD.

DISCARDING ME WITHOUT "CLOSURE"
WAS TACTICAL. 

BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT I NEEDED THAT.

THE BS WAS THE CLOSURE. IT WAS!
HAVING ENOUGH OF THAT SH*T WAS THE CLOSURE. 

WHERE DID HAVING A "CONVERSATION" GET ME?
IT WASN'T ABOUT "TALKING"
LIKE HE CLAIMED HE WANTED.
OR????? HE WOULD HAVE TALKED!

INSTEAD OF DOING THE SAME SH*T.

HE EXPECTED ME TO DO SOMETHING. 
IT WASN'T WORTH IT. 

EVEN TRYING IN THE FKN BEGINNING
WASN'T FKN WORTH IT. 

NOT THAT I EXPECTED EVERYTHING. 
BUT I NEVER FKN EXPECTED ANY OF THAT SH*T.

COULD HAVE SEEN
WHY I'D HAVE AN ISSUE WITH THAT SH*T.

THEY WOULD!

AND WHEN I MOVED ON FROM THEM....
THEN THEY WANT SOMETHING?

WHY SHOULD I GIVE THEM THE SAME OPPORTUNITY
THEY ALREADY TOOK A SH*T ON?
WHEN THEY TOOK A SH*T ON ME?

WHY DO THEY THINK THEY GET THAT?

THEY WANTED MY GENEROSITY BACK.
NOT BECAUSE THEY FKD IT UP.

IT WASN'T BECAUSE THEY SUDDENLY "CARE."
BECAUSE THEY SURE AF ACTED
LIKE THEY DIDN'T!!!!!!!

SO THEY WON'T JUST "CARE."
THE SECOND TIME AROUND.
OR THE THIRD.... OR WHATEVER. 

I WASN'T EVEN PREPARED FOR THAT LEVEL.
OF FKN IMMATURITY. 

I'VE SEEN IT BEFORE... IN OTHER PEOPLE. 
I NEVER THOUGHT THEY'D BE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. 

IF I DID.... I PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE BOTHERED.
IF I SAW THAT BEFORE... I WOULDN'T HAVE.

I HAD TO SEE THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE. 
EVERYONE. 

EVERYONE I EVER DEALT WITH. 

BUT I'M NOBODY'S "SUPPLY."

AND THEY CAN'T COME BACK AROUND....
FOR "SUPPLY."

ESPECIALLY AFTER PUSHING EVERYONE ELSE AWAY
WITH THAT BS TOO.

"I FORGOT." BS. LIAR.

WHY FKN LIE? ABOUT EVERYTHING????!!!!

HE DIDN'T FORGET HIS EXCUSES FOR THAT SH*T.
RIGHT? 

HIS MEMORY WAS A STEEL TRAP FOR EXCUSES, RIGHT?

WHY REMEMBER THE EXCUSES?
HE WOULD HAVE "FORGOT" THOSE TOO, RIGHT?

HE WASN'T COMING BACK TO BE "FAIR" TO ME.

OR HE WOULD HAVE GIVEN A FK
THAT HE WAS BEING FKN UNFAIR.

BUT HE DIDN'T. RIGHT?

IT WASN'T BECAUSE HE "CHANGED."
IT WASN'T TO TAKE "RESPONSIBILITY."
OR "ACCOUNTABILITY."

AND EVEN THEN..... IT COULD HAVE BEEN?
MANIPULATION!!!!!!!!!!

WASN'T BECAUSE HE "MISSED" ME.
OR "CARED" ABOUT ME
OR WANTED TO BE "FAIR" TO ME.

IT WAS ABSOLUTELY SOMETHING ELSE.

AND WHATEVER IT WAS
HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME AT ALL.