Mixed Feelings

The shock is wearing off, I guess.
SHOCKED THAT HE CONTACTED ME.
AND HOW CASUALLY HE DID IT
LIKE WHAT HE DID NEVER MATTERED.
AND I STILL DIDN'T MATTER (ENOUGH)
FOR HIM TO FKN ACKNOWLEDGE ANYTHING.

What is really heavy is....
IF THINGS HAD BEEN DIFFERENT.....
I WOULD HAVE LOVED....
TO RECONNECT.

But..... I DON'T NEED BS.
AND DON'T WANT IT.

I wasn't sitting around WAITING FOR HIM TO SEE MY WORTH!!!!!!!!!!
I WAS LIVING MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WITHOUT HIM IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And expecting me to FORGET...
AND BE LIKE: "WOW! BEEN FOREVER! LET'S CHILL!"

Like.... At the time....
IF HE WAS SCARED OF ACTUALLY "CONNECTING" WITH ME....
HE COULD HAVE FKN SAID SO!

OR WHATEVER TF WAS GOING ON.... 

BECAUSE HE WASN'T ALWAYS LIKE THAT.

That's why my feelings are all over the place!!!!!!!!!

Because HAD HE BEEN GOOD TO ME....
I WOULD HAVE LOVED LOVED LOVED LOVED TO RECONNECT!!!!!!!

I WOULD HAVE BEEN FKN ECSTATIC!!!! 
HAPPY AF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TRULY!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT???!!!

Honestly, there have been times I DID THINK ABOUT HIM.....
BUT THEN I REMEMBERED HOW IT FELT DEALING WITH HIM.
I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL LIKE THAT AGAIN.

I DO NOT WANT TO LET ANYONE AFFECT ME.

I DO NOT HAVE THE EMOTIONAL BANDWIDTH.
FOR MUCH OF ANYTHING ANYMORE....

Caring about people WHO DO NOT GAF ABOUT ME
IS FKN EXHAUSTING. 

I don't feel like doing that anymore!
And that is my right: Not wanting to!

Mostly because his dad's store was closing...
That's why I even thought about him.

NOT BECAUSE I WAS MISSING HIM, WANTING HIM, NOTHING.

LIKE.... 12 YEARS TOO FKN LATE....

And my last relationship was after THAT.

And yes, I am over my ex.

Sure, there have been times I thought about some things....
Thought about him, but he treated me the way he did, too.

MIRROR SMASHER DID TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
99% OF DUDES I EVER TRIED TO DATE....

Which is WHY I DON'T WANT TO FKN DATE ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!

But my feelings are all over the place today....
BECAUSE IF THINGS HAD BEEN DIFFERENT.....
I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO SEE HIM AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My nervous system is kinda fkd right now. 
I hate feeling like this. I really do.

BECAUSE A TINY PART OF ME WANTS TO SEE HIM AGAIN!
AND A HUGE PART OF ME FKN DOESN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE OF HOW HE FKN TREATED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LIKE I DIDN'T FKN MATTER TO HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO WHY SHOULD I NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!????
I DIDN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I FKN DIDN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I DO NOT FKN HAVE TO.... NOW.
LIKE FK OFF WITH THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"YOU CAN MATTER 12 YEARS FROM NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Y'KNOW????????

AND I AM NOT CONVINCED I EVER FKN DID OR WILL.
SO I DON'T REALLY EVEN KNOW WHAT TO THINK!!!!!!!!!!
OR FEEL! OR DO!!!!!!!! OR SAY!!!!!!!!!
OR FKN ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But I don't want to feel like THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I didn't want to feel like THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALSO: WHY SHOULD I GIVE HIM ANYTHING HE WANTS?
DID HE GAF WHAT I WANTED?
TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT?
TO BE TREATED FAIRLY?
LIKE I MATTERED?
NO?

SO..... WHAT????? WHAT DO I EVEN DO WITH THIS?

I Learned From Lessons

He was a lesson for me.
HE WAS A CATALYST, ACTUALLY.
WHETHER HE REALIZES THAT OR NOT...

But why does that matter?
Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. 

I'm too tired to make much sense out of what I feel right now....
AND WHY I FEEL THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT ALL OF IT.

I've tried to explain some of it.... 

I DON'T NEED OR WANT ANY FKN "TRAUMA BOND" SH*T.
I DON'T NEED OR WANT ANY FKN "PLAYERS."

IF YOU WANT TO PLAY GAMES....
THERE ARE OTHER CHICKS TO PLAY WITH!
AND SOME OF THEM FKN LIKE IT!
I DON'T!

But he can be MAD at me for NOT WANTING TO RECONNECT.
BECAUSE I ALREADY TRIED TO RECONNECT
AFTER HIGH SCHOOL.

HOW DID THAT GO? GREAT?!!!!! FANTASTIC????!!!!

WAS IT EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED?
IN A PERSON?

IN AN ACTUAL PARTNER?

SOMEONE I COULD ACTUALLY TRUST??????
NOT TO TREAT ME LIKE THAT????

NOT TO TAKE ME FOR GRANTED???

Maybe I have GOALS. 
Maybe there are certain things I WANT TO ACCOMPLISH.
Maybe I HAVE PLANS THAT DO NOT INCLUDE HIM.
OR ANY OF THESE CLOWNS.

But don't be MAD at me that I'm not allowing myself
TO BE MANIPULATED BY A "HEY."

DO I GAF THAT YOU "CHANGED YOUR MIND"
12 YEARS LATER? SHOULD I?

WHY TF SHOULD I?

"BECAUSE HE CHANGED"????!!!!
LIKE FK HE DID!!!!!!!!!! LOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THERE WAS NOTHING IN THAT MESSAGE THAT SAYS:
LOOK! I'VE CHANGED!!!!!!!!!!

SHOULD I CARE JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS FOMO?

"I BETTER TRY WITH HER AGAIN....
ONE DAY SHE'LL GET MARRIED AND I'LL BE FKED."

WELP, I'M NOT MARRIED.
NO INTENT ON MARRYING FKN ANYONE....

BUT NO INTEREST IN BEATING DEAD FKN HORSES, EITHER.

DIDN'T VALUE ME WHEN HE COULD HAVE....
SO.... WHY TRY TO JUSTIFY BS TO ME?

DO I NEED THAT? DID I EVER? NO?

THEN WHY?

BECAUSE "I COULD MARRY SOMEONE ONE DAY"
SO BETTER TRY TO LOCK ME DOWN? LOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YEAH, IF I DO MARRY, ONE DAY.....
LIKELY WON'T, BUT IF I DO......

IT WON'T BE HIM.
AND HE'LL HAVE TO LIVE WITH
"WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN."

But the point is.... I learned FROM HIM, 
FROM MIRROR SMASHER, FROM MANY CLOWNS.
WHO TOOK ME FOR GRANTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND EACH TIME I THOUGHT:
THIS TIME WILL BE DIFFERENT!!!!!!
IT TURNED OUT TO BE THE SAME SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'D RATHER STAND ALONE.....
THAN GO RIGHT BACK TO THE SAME SH*T.

BUT, "A*** MIGHT BECOME SUCCESSFUL!"
"SOMEONE MIGHT COME ALONG AND SWEEP HER OFF HER FEET!"

MAYBE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BUT WHO'S BUSINESS IS THAT? MINE!!!!!!!!!!

It Threw Me

At some point, I had to just STOP WANTING WHAT I WANTED.
BECAUSE IT WAS JUST NOT HAPPENING.
I DO NOT HAVE ANY FAITH THAT IT ACTUALLY WILL.

Wanting what I wanted was like TORTURING MYSELF.
Just by wanting it, it was like torturing myself.

1) BECAUSE OF HOW MUCH I WANTED IT
2) BECAUSE IT WAS SOMETHING SIMPLE
3) BECAUSE OTHERS CAN HAVE IT EASILY

I used to think: WHY CAN'T I HAVE THAT, TOO?
WHY THEM?
WHY NOT ME, TOO?!

Then, I fkn stopped.
BECAUSE WANTING SOMETHING
THAT'S ALWAYS BEEN OUT OF REACH....
DANGLED IN MY FACE LIKE:
"HERE, LET ME GIVE YOU SOME HOPE I CAN SQUASH."

WHY FKN DO THAT SH*T TO ME? WHY?
JUST TO DO IT?

That's what p*ssed me off the most.

BECAUSE I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO BE "OKAY"
WITH SH*T I'M NOT OKAY WITH.

AND WHEN I AM UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING
SOMEONE IS DOING....
AND I TELL THEM HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT....
AND THEY SHOW ME WHO TF THEY ACTUALLY ARE....
AND I CAN'T "UNSEE" THAT SH*T.
I HAD A BAD TASTE IN MY MOUTH AFTER THAT.

THERE WAS NO "SORRY A***!"
THERE WAS ZERO ACKNOWLEDGEMENT.

AND MAYBE IT IS MY FAULT
FOR OVERLY ROMANTICIZING POSSIBILITY.
MAYBE IT IS, REALLY, TRULY.

BECAUSE: DID I HAVE TO DO THAT? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT I WASN'T GIVING FALSE HOPE.
MIXED SIGNALS.
OR PLAYING FKN GAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND I'M SURE AF NOT INTERESTED IN BS.
WHY WOULD I BE?

And if you try to hold my feelings against me....
SHOULD I GAF HOW YOU FEEL
THAT I DON'T WANT TO RECONNECT?
AFTER THAT SH*T?

IF I DID THAT TO HIM.........
SHOULD HE GAF ABOUT ME?
AFTER THAT SH*T?

What bugs me.....
WHEN PEOPLE SLAM THE DOOR IN THEIR OWN FACE.....
WHY TF DO THEY THINK THEY CAN WAIT
12 FKN YEARS....
AND TRY TO KNOCK AGAIN?

I'm not a "long-lost love" that got "separated suddenly."
Like childhood sweethearts and my family had to move away....
Or some sh*t like that.... 

HE WENT TO THE SAME SCHOOL AS ME.
WE USED TO HANG OUT SOMETIMES.

HE BORROWED MY CD AND NEVER GAVE IT BACK.

HE LIED ABOUT HAVING A GF.
HE PRETENDED TO BE SINGLE.
HE KNEW I LIKED HIM.
HE WASN'T EVEN A REAL FRIEND TO ME.
A REAL FRIEND WOULD NOT HAVE DONE ME LIKE THAT.

It was only convenient for HIM.
BECAUSE I WAS THERE.
THAT'S WHY.

NOW I AM NOT.

HE CHOSE. I LET HIM.
I AM LIVING MY LIFE NOW.

WHY TRY TO "DISRUPT" THAT OR ANYTHING FOR ME?

BECAUSE HE WANTS SOMETHING.
OR ELSE WHY?

WHAT HE WANTS IS NOT MY FKN PROBLEM.

I'm SAD

I mostly start feeling down when summer comes to a close.
I'm not sure why, but it happens.

Tonight is some of that... 

Been emotionally DRAINED all day.

Someone I had considered a friend was being a DICK to my friend.
That really steamed me up for a while.

I'm tired of having to SAY THINGS LIKE:
DON'T BE A D*CK TO MY FRIENDS.

I'M NOT A TW@T TO YOUR FRIENDS, AM I?
OUT OF RESPECT FOR YOU?!

SO CAN'T YOU RESPECT ME?
BY NOT BEING A DICK TO MY FRIENDS?!

Basic respect goes a long way... It really does.

I wasn't expecting to hear from that one guy, though.
ESPECIALLY 12 YEARS AFTER THE FACT....
"HAS ENOUGH TIME PASSED?" NO.
NOT FOR ME TO "FORGET" THAT SH*T.

And had I been like: "Sure! Let's reconnect!"
HOW WOULD HE HAVE TREATED ME?
ANY FKN DIFFERENTLY?
PROBABLY FKN NOT.

THE ONLY GUYS WHO WANT ME
ONLY WANT ME WHEN THEY CAN'T FKN HAVE ME.

THAT'S IT.

BECAUSE WHEN I WAS RIGHT THERE....
THE WHOLE TIME.....

HOW DID THEY TREAT ME?
LIKE I MATTERED TO THEM?
LIKE THEY CARED ABOUT ME?
LIKE THEY WANTED ME IN THEIR LIFE?

OR WERE THEY FKN SELFISH??????????????
ONLY IN IT FOR SOMETHING
OTHER THAN ME.

WHATEVER WAS CONVENIENT.

NOPE.

I DIDN'T CONVENIENTLY "FORGET"
12 YEARS LATER.

"IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME!"
NO SH*T!

FOR A REASON!

I'm allowed to be sad and disappointed.
THAT THEY COULD HAVE JUST
FKN TREATED ME BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I HAVE THE CHANCE TO TREAT A***
BETTER THAN WHOEVER DIDN'T APPRECIATE HER."

Yeah, had that chance 12 YEARS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RIGHT BEFORE MY LAST RELATIONSHIP!

And every freaking time I HAVE EVER "LIKED A GUY"
AND THOUGHT: HE'S DIFFERENT!
HE WOULDN'T TREAT ME LIKE CRAP!
THEY TURN AROUND AND DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So why would I even trust my own feelings for ANYONE now?

Having any kind of romantic feelings for anyone 
= DISAPPOINTMENT.

And having to recover, emotionally etc.

HAVING TO PULL MYSELF OUT OF DEPRESSION.

IS THAT WORTH THE "MAYBE HE'S DIFFERENT"?!
NOT REALLY.

Because there's "hope" and fkn.... GETTING OVER SOMEONE.
WHO YOU WANTED IN YOUR LIFE.
AT SOME POINT.

I'M NOT 16 ANYMORE!
I'M NOT 18 ANYMORE!
I'M NOT IN MY 20s ANYMORE!

Sometimes I feel like my best years are gone.
WASTED ON FKN "POTENTIAL."

NOT MY OWN POTENTIAL....
THE POTENTIAL FOR A RELATIONSHIP
THAT DIDN'T GET TO "BE."

THE POTENTIAL OF "MARRIAGE" EVEN.

BUT WOULD I HAVE BEEN HAPPY?
IN A MARRIAGE WHERE I GOT TAKEN FOR GRANTED?
FK NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FK!!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So.... Even though I didn't get "chosen."

BY WHO I WANTED TO BE WITH.....

AND NEVER FKN GOT MARRIED.....
AND PROBABLY NEVER WILL.....

I STILL MADE IT THIS FAR.

Because the way some dudes TRIED TO FKN BREAK ME.....
HAD ME FKD UP.

FOR A LONG TIME.

TOO LONG.

But.... WHERE THEY LEFT ME....
ISN'T WHERE I AM NOW.

THEY GET TO SIT WITH THAT.

"Looks like you're in an interesting line of work."
I KNOW YOU DGAF WHAT I DO FOR "WORK."

YOU SEE ME DOING BETTER....
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TRY TO RUIN THAT FOR ME.

Because it was all FUN AND GAMES WHEN I WAS AT MY LOWEST, 
RIGHT?

HAD NO TIME FOR ME, RIGHT?
DIDN'T GAF, RIGHT?

SO WHY START NOW?

Why would I trust someone 
who went out of his fkn way.....

TO SHOW ME WHY I CAN'T?

NOT WITH MY HEART, 
NOT WITH WHO I AM, 
HOW I FELT, ANYTHING.

SO FK THAT!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I am sad though....
I miss who I thought he was....
I miss the "potential" I saw....
I miss a lot of things that I thought were REAL.

But was anything?

OR WAS IT A FKN JOKE?
OR A TEST?
OR SOMETHING ELSE?