Yes, I will get off the topic of whatever tf my "love life" has been...
Also, for the longest time...
I didn't know there were things that "trigger" other people.
"IF I GET EVERYONE TO SEE A*** LIKE XYZ....
THEY WON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE XYZ..."
ALL THE CRAP OVER LIKE 15+ YEARS....
ESPECIALLY....
NEVER SAW ANY OF THAT COMING.
1) I don't even think like that!
NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT ANY OF IT.
2) ANY TIME I HAD ANY CONFIDENCE...
WHO WAS TRYING TO DIMINISH ME?
3) WHY WERE THEY TRYING TO DO THAT?
I never thought about any of that before.
Why would I? I didn't think like that!
I still don't think like that, but... I had to think about it.
A BUNCH OF STUFF I HAD TO THINK ABOUT.
1) TO PROCESS IT...
2) TO "HEAL" FROM IT...
A BUNCH OF THINGS LIKE THAT.
I WRITE ABOUT IT....
BECAUSE THIS CRAP LIKELY HAPPENS TO OTHERS, TOO.
NOT JUST TO ME.
IT REALLY SUCKS THAT IT EVEN HAPPENED AT ALL!
DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR IT!
WHO WOULD?
MAYBE SOME DO!
MAYBE SOME GET A KICK OUT OF IT.
I DON'T, THOUGH.
THERE'S NOTHING "FUN" ABOUT IT.
The only thing about it...
Was that it helped me in some ways.
I developed myself in some ways...
BECAUSE OF THAT.
IT OPENED ME UP IN SOME WAYS.
NOT IN THE BEST OR MOST PAINLESS WAYS...
It took a while... Yes.
Maybe it's still taking me a while.
BUT AT LEAST I'M NOT WHERE I USED TO BE...
WHEN I WAS GOING THROUGH ALL OF THAT CRAP...
IT DEFINITELY DIDN'T FEEL VERY GOOD.
NOT AT ALL.
IF I SAW IT COMING,
FROM ANYONE....
I WOULD NOT HAVE EVEN WANTED TO TRY AT ALL!
AND NONE OF THAT CRAP....
MAKES ME WANT TO TRY ANYTHING NEW.
EVEN THOUGH NOT EVERYONE WILL TREAT ME LIKE THAT!
SOME PEOPLE KNOW BETTER....
THAN TO TREAT SOMEONE LIKE THAT.
SOMEONE WHO WANTED TO BE THERE!
WHO CARED! AND WANTED TO BE THERE!
SAW POTENTIAL THERE....
AT SOME POINT...
IT'S OKAY THAT NOBODY SAW WHAT I SAW. COOL.
"GOOD TO KNOW!" RIGHT?
SO I CAN JUST.... LIVE MY LIFE
WITHOUT ANYONE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE IN IT?
FAIR? AFTER THAT? TO JUST... LIVE?
"ALONE"?
DO I GET SAD WHEN I THINK ABOUT THINGS
THAT "NEVER GOT OFF THE GROUND"
FOR A VARIETY OF REASONS?
BECAUSE THEY COULD HAVE?
AND IF THEY HAD? THEN WHAT?
MOSTLY THAT, I GUESS.
SINCE I'VE ALREADY BEEN THROUGH ALL KINDS OF CRAP...
IT FEELS MORE COMFORTABLE
TO JUST... NOT WANT ANYTHING ANYMORE.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENS!
WHEN I WANTED TO DATE! FFS!
MAKES ME WANT TO TRY SOME MORE?!
NOT REALLY!
BUT..... I SHOULD HAVE SEEN WARNING SIGNS.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE PUT UP WITH FKN ANYTHING.
I DON'T PUT UP WITH ANYTHING NOW.
BUT.... A WHOLE MESS I DIDN'T HAVE TO!
DIDN'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ANY OF THAT!
SO THEN WHY TF DID I?
STILL TRYING TO FIGURE THAT OUT...
BUT I'M FASTER AT MOVING ON NOW.
I SEE SOMETHING I DON'T LIKE....
I CONFRONT IT...
IF THEY WANT TO BE A D*CK....
WHEN I CONFRONT IT......
THEY GET YEETED TF OUT OF MY LIFE.
NO SENSE IN BEING STUCK IN ANYTHING.
"CAN'T READ?"
"WOW." *BLOCK*
NOT DOING THAT SH*T.
IF S*X COMES UP VERY EARLY....
IN THE FIRST CONVO ESPECIALLY....
FK THAT SH*T. FK THAT.
I'M TIRED OF THAT SH*T.
GOT OLD A LONG TIME AGO.
"IS SHE DTF? LET'S THROW IT OUT THERE AND SEE!"
WTF??????
LIKE PEOPLE REALLY WANT TO JUST FK
FOR THE SAKE OF IT?
WITHOUT KNOWING THE PERSON?
WITHOUT CARING ABOUT THEM?
"JUST P*SSY..."
WTF????
SHOULD I BE LOOKING AT A DUDE AND THINK:
JUST D*CK?
IF CHICKS TURNED THE TABLES ON DUDES....
AND DUDES GOT TREATED THE WAY A LOT OF FEMALES DO...
WOULD THEY "UNDERSTAND" THAT SH*T?
WOULD THEY STOP THAT SH*T?
IF THEY HAD TO GO THROUGH IT?
"WHY IS A*** ACTING DIFFERENTLY?"
"A*** WASN'T LIKE THIS!"
NO, I WASN'T.
I HAD NO REASONS TO BE UPSET, OR ANGRY,
OR HURT, OR ANYTHING.
I KINDA JUST WANTED TO....
JUST HAVE A NICE TIME!!!!!!!!
THERE WERE YEARS!!!!!!!!
YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT I NEVER FKN GOT TO DO ANYTHING!
OR GO ANYWHERE!
DECADES! OKAY?
SO THEN? WHEN I GET TO DO SOMETHING....
EVEN FKN SMALL THINGS....
IT'S ACTUALLY "SOMETHING" TO ME.
AS HARD AS IT IS TO ADMIT THAT...
BUT THAT'S WHAT IT'S LIKE...
TO BE "KEPT ON THE SHELF"
FKN WAITING.... WAITING... WAITING....
FOR NOTHING.
FOR NO REASON.
HURTS, YEAH... BUT?
MAYBE ONE DAY I'LL HAVE THAT.
JUST THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE.
BUT IT'S OKAY.
I'VE TURNED OUT OKAY DESPITE ALL OF THAT.
TRUSTING PEOPLE WHO LOST MY TRUST.
I DON'T HAVE TO MAKE MYSELF AVAILABLE.
I DON'T HAVE TO BE AVAILABLE.
I WAS, BUT NOW? I'M OKAY!
MAYBE I'M JUST REALLY TIRED TONIGHT.
IT'S BEEN KIND OF EMOTIONALLY DRAINING.
EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT...
I DON'T REALLY EVEN FEEL THE SAME.
IN WAYS I CAN'T EXPLAIN.
IN OTHER WAYS, YEAH, I FEEL ALRIGHT.
ON MY BEST DAYS, I FEEL FINE.
NOT GREAT OR FANTASTIC... BUT FINE.
I NEED TO SLEEP, THOUGH.
Pages
Tuesday, November 03, 2026
Confidence (Part 2)
I Used To Feel...
Overall, despite the disappointment,
I'm feeling better than I have in a long time.
BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING THROUGH
WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH.
NOT ANYMORE.
I WAS.
WHILE I WAS GOING THROUGH THAT...
I DIDN'T FEEL VERY GOOD.
CONSTANTLY FEELING
LIKE I WASN'T "GOOD ENOUGH"
FKD WITH MY SENSE OF SELF.
IT FKD WITH MY EMOTIONS.
IT FKD WITH MY HEAD.
IT FKD WITH MY SELF-ESTEEM.
AND KNOWING THAT SH*T
WAS INTENTIONAL....
FKD WITH ME EVEN MORE.
SO YES, I WROTE ABOUT IT.
FOR A WHILE.
I DO THAT SORT OF THING.
IF SOMETHING BUGS ME....
I'LL PROBABLY WRITE ABOUT IT.
AND I'LL PROBABLY WRITE ABOUT
WHY SOMETHING BUGS ME.
OTHER THAN THAT,
I'M WORKING ON OTHER THINGS.
THINGS THAT DON'T INVOLVE PEOPLE
WHO GHOSTED ME.
AND LEFT ME FOR DEAD.
BECAUSE IF I MATTERED TO THEM....
WOULD THEY HAVE TREATED ME LIKE THAT?
SO THEN?
MAYBE IT WAS TIME....
TO JUST MATTER TO MYSELF MORE?
SINCE I DIDN'T MATTER ENOUGH TO THEM?
ENOUGH NOT TO TREAT ME LIKE THAT?
THAT'S ALL I WANTED!
TO MATTER "ENOUGH"
NOT TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT!
WOW! SO MUCH TO WANT! RIGHT?
But? How did that go?
So then? I'm good "alone."
Someone asked me a while back....
IF I GET "LONELY."
IT FELT OFF.
LIKE HE WAS ASKING ME FOR A REASON.
YEARS AGO.... I USED TO FEEL "LONELY."
BUT THAT WAS..... DEPRIVATION.
IT WASN'T.... WHAT I THOUGHT IT WAS.
SURE.... IT'S EASY TO FEEL "VOIDS"
AND EASY NOT TO KNOW WHAT THOSE ARE ABOUT.
YEARS BACK.... IT FELT PAINFUL.
IT FELT LIKE... PERSONAL.
IT FELT PERSONAL.
ANYWAY.... "THE GAMES"
WERE BS.
WHETHER THEY WERE TOLD TO ACT LIKE THAT.....
OR WHATEVER ELSE....
THEY DID THAT SH*T.
DOING THOSE THINGS....
WAS WHY IT DIDN'T WORK OUT, RIGHT?
SO THEN?
THOSE THINGS WERE CHOICES
THEY MADE.
ABOUT ME.
ABOUT BEING WITH ME, TOO.
I DIDN'T CHOOSE THAT CRAP.
NEVER SIGNED UP FOR THAT CRAP.
DIDN'T WANT THAT.
HOW MANY TIMES WAS IT SABOTAGED?
WHY?
AND HAD THEY NOT DONE THAT?
HAD THEY JUST LET....
THINGS PROGRESS
THE WAY THEY COULD HAVE?
WITHOUT ANY INTERFERENCE?
WHO DIDN'T WANT ME TO BE WITH
THE PEOPLE THEY DIDN'T WANT ME TO BE WITH?
BECAUSE THIS SH*T
HAS HAPPENED MORE THAN ONCE.
WITH MORE THAN ONE PERSON.
BECAUSE PEOPLE CAN'T JUST FK OFF!
THEY HAVE TO DO ALL KINDS OF SH*T!
RIGHT?
IF THEY DON'T WANT ME TO BE WITH SOMEONE
AND DON'T WANT SOMEONE WITH ME....
WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY WILL DO?
JUST SO "THAT" WOULDN'T HAPPEN?
THINK THAT HASN'T HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE?
IT HAS!
WAS IT FAIR? TO ME?
TO THAT PERSON EITHER?
NO?
THAT IT NEVER GOT "OFF THE GROUND"
BECAUSE CERTAIN PEOPLE
DIDN'T WANT IT TO?
IF IT HAS, THOUGH?
WHAT WOULD IT LOOK LIKE TODAY?
WHAT COULD HAVE BECOME OF THAT?
WHAT IF? RIGHT?
SOMETIMES I STILL THINK ABOUT THAT...
BUT WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT THAT?
ANYTHING? OR?
NOTHING?
SOMETIMES I WONDER IF I HAD GIVEN HIM
ANOTHER CHANCE....
WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED....
BUT HE WAS THE ONE WHO ENDED IT.
I WAS THE ONE WHO HAD TO ACCEPT IT.
AND? IT ENDED AGAIN, ANYWAY.
IT MIGHT HAVE ENDED BADLY, AGAIN.
BECAUSE IT ALREADY DID.
DID I WANT TO GO THROUGH THAT AGAIN?
AFTER HAVING TO ALREADY?
BUT WOULD IT HAVE GONE ANYWHERE?
IT DIDN'T EVEN GET OFF THE GROUND!
HOWEVER.... ALL THOSE THINGS...
WE COULD HAVE TALKED ABOUT.
RIGHT?
IF HE WANTED TO?
BUT WAS I IN THE MOOD TO TALK
AFTER BEING DISMISSED A BILLION TIMES?
AND DISCARDED?
JUST FOR FEELING A TYPE OF WAY
ABOUT BEING DISMISSED?
I HAD TO ACCEPT THAT IT WAS OVER!
BEFORE IT COULD EVEN START!
I DIDN'T TRUST HIM WHEN HE "CAME BACK."
BECAUSE OF HOW HE TREATED ME BEFORE.
IF HE HADN'T.... I'D PROBABLY STILL SEE HIM
THE WAY I USED TO!
WHY DID HE LOSE MY RESPECT, THOUGH?
BECAUSE HE COULDN'T RESPECT ME....
ENOUGH.... NOT TO XYZ.
IF THE RESPECT WAS MUTUAL....
WHY WOULD WE HAVE ANY ISSUES?
IF THE INTENT WAS MUTUAL....
IF THE FEELINGS WERE MUTUAL....
I SAW IT GOING SOMEWHERE.
IS PRETTY MUCH WHY IT WAS DISAPPOINTING.
I SAW IT GOING SOMEWHERE...
BECAUSE I KNEW IT COULD HAVE.
PRETTY MUCH THAT.
DID THEY EVER ASK:
WHY ARE THEY SO DETERMINED....
TO GET ME AWAY FROM A***?
WHY ARE THEY INTERFERING?
WHY ARE THEY TRYING TO INFLUENCE ME?
EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE "INFLUENCED"
THEY STILL CHOSE THAT!
WHY ARE THEY SO THREATENED BY A***?
WHY DO THEY NOT WANT TO SEE US TOGETHER?
"WHY DID YOU TELL ME A*** WAS TRYING TO CONTROL ME?"
AND THEN? "I DIDN'T EVEN LISTEN TO A*** WHEN SHE TOLD ME
THAT SHE WASN'T ACTUALLY DOING XYZ."
"WHY DID I TALK A*** DOWN TO MAKE MYSELF
FEEL BIGGER?"
"WHY WASN'T I A FRIEND TO HER?"
COULD HAVE DONE THAT SH*T TO ANYONE ELSE, RIGHT?
"A*** THINKS SHE'S XYZ.... BUT SHE'S NOT."
1) DID I EVER CLAIM TO BE ANYTHING?
2) DID I EVER TELL ANYONE WHAT I THINK OF MYSELF?
3) WHY TREAT ME LIKE YOU THOUGHT XYZ ABOUT ME?
4) DID YOU ACTUALLY KNOW ME?
5) DID WE TALK AND SPEND TIME TOGETHER? BARELY?
IF EVER?
WHY CREATE A WHOLE DIFFERENT VERSION OF ME?
JUST TO "JUSTIFY" DOING XYZ?
"WHY DID I SWITCH UP ON A***?"
WHAT HAPPENED?
I WAS SUPPOSED TO "COME BACK"
AND ACCEPT ALL THE BLAME
FOR BEING XYZ....
BUT I DIDN'T!
DID I WANT SOMEONE TO CARE ENOUGH
TO HEAR MY SIDE?
TO UNDERSTAND WHY I FELT THE WAY I FELT?
TO UNDERSTAND WHY I FELT LIKE THAT?
AND THEY DIDN'T?
THEY COULD HAVE ACKNOWLEDGED
WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!!
THAT!
"WHY IS A*** P*SSED OFF?"
INSTEAD OF? "A***'S P*SSED OFF! SHE MUST BE TOXIC!"
AM I SUPPOSED TO TRUST THAT?
HOW? HOW CAN I TRUST THAT?
DID I NEED EXCUSES FOR ANYTHING?
DID I WANT TO REOPEN THAT?
DID I EVER WANT TO FEEL
THE WAY I FELT....
WHEN I WAS GOING THROUGH THAT? NO?
EVER AGAIN? NO?
"IF I DO XYZ TO TRY TO MAKE A*** FEEL SMALL,
WILL SHE LOSE RESPECT FOR ME
FOR DOING THAT TO HER?"
YES. A*** WILL.
A*** LOSES RESPECT FOR THAT.
AND "IF THEY TREAT A*** LIKE THAT....
HE'LL PROBABLY TREAT ME LIKE THAT, TOO."
AND AFTER TREATING ME LIKE DIRT....
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TRUST HIM EVER AGAIN?
NOT TO EVER DO THAT SH*T AGAIN?
DIDN'T I TRUST THEM NOT TO?
AND WHEN I'M DOING BETTER?
"HOW ARE YOU DOING, A***?"
LIKE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED!!!!!!!!
BECAUSE I WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO DO ANYTHING?
OR BE ANYTHING?
NEVER SUPPOSED TO FIND PEACE "ALONE"?
WELP, I DID.
NOW WHAT?!
"WHY DID I WANT A REACTION FROM A***?"
"WHY DID I THINK SHE WOULD CHASE ME?"
"WHY DOESN'T SHE NEED ME ANYMORE?"
"WHY DOES SHE NOT GAF ANYMORE?"
"WHY DID I EXPECT XYZ FROM A***?"
"WHY COULDN'T SHE EXPECT ANYTHING BUT BS FROM ME?"
"WHY DID I KEEP DOING THAT CRAP TO HER?"
A LOT OF QUESTIONS THEY COULD HAVE ASKED THEMSELVES!
IMAGINE!
IF THEY HAD ASKED THEMSELVES? ANYTHING? ABOUT ME?
MIGHT THEY HAVE STOPPED THEIR CRAP?
MAYBE?
AND IF THEY HAD STOPPED THEIR CRAP?
HAD THEY TREATED ME WITH CARE?
AND RESPECT?
JUST BEEN FKN HONEST?
WITH THEMSELVES AND ME?
COULD IT HAVE GONE BETTER?
THAN IT DID?
Just wondering...
WOULD IT HAVE BEEN FAIR TO HIM?
IF MY MALE FRIENDS GOT JEALOUS OF HIM?
AND WANTED ME TO HATE HIM?
JUST BECAUSE THEY GOT JEALOUS?
YES OR NO?
WOULD IT HAVE BEEN FAIR TO HIM?
IF I LET ANYONE'S JEALOUSY.....
FK EVERYTHING UP?
BETWEEN HIM AND I?
WOULD IT HAVE BEEN FAIR TO HIM?
IF I DID THAT SH*T? NO?
BUT IT WAS "SOMEHOW" FAIR TO ME.
Monday, November 02, 2026
Where I Came From
Where I came from....
Is the same place he did (Mirror Smasher).
We came from the same place.
HE SEEMS TO FORGET THAT, THOUGH.
A LOT HE SEEMS TO FORGET.
A LOT MANY SEEM TO FORGET.
I DIDN'T, BUT THAT'S OKAY.
There were things that I thought....
BUT I WAS WRONG.
THAT IS OKAY.
I'M ALLOWED TO BE WRONG.
THE HARDER I TRIED....
BECAUSE IT MATTERED TO ME...
WHAT HAPPENED?
THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED.
THEY WERE ALLOWED TO CHOOSE, RIGHT?
THEIR CHOICES WERE THEIRS TO MAKE, RIGHT?
AND WHEN I GAVE THOSE CHANCES?
MOSTLY EITHER GOT STRUNG ALONG
OR DISCARDED.
THERE WASN'T.... ANYTHING....
ACTUALLY FAIR....
AND HEALTHY.
RIGHT?
A LOAD OF VERY PAINFUL BS.
FORCED MY HAND... RIGHT?
HAD TO JUST..... BE DONE?
YEAH?
WHY IS THAT?
ONE THING I LEARNED:
IF A DUDE TELLS YOU
THAT THEY ARE EGOTISTICAL..... BELIEVE THEM!
AND... THEY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING!
THEY ARE CHOOSING
TO BE EGOTISTICAL ALSO.
NOT BY "MISTAKE"
BY CHOICE!
SURE, IT WAS A 'MISTAKE'
BUT IT WAS A CHOICE!
LYING ABOUT ME....
TRYING TO "BREAK" ME...
ALL THE BS....
ALL OF THAT WAS.... A CHOICE!
ALL OF IT WAS!
EVEN INVOLVING MYSELF
WITH HIM....
AT ALL....
WAS A CHOICE!
RIGHT?
TELLING HIM HOW I FELT?
I DIDN'T KNOW WHO WAS READING
ALL OUR MESSAGES.... RIGHT?
I THOUGHT THEY WERE
BETWEEN HIM AND I....
BUT? THEY WEREN'T!
EVEN THAT ON ITS OWN...
EVERY BETRAYAL CHANGED ME.
IN SOME WAY.
EVERY SINGLE ONE.
IT'S LIKE EVERY TIME....
I LET MY GUARD DOWN....
AND TRUST SOMEONE....
AND ACTUALLY WANTED AFFECTION....
LIKE ACTUAL AFFECTION...
TO FEEL LIKE I MATTERED...
I GET SHOWN WHY IT'S NOT "OKAY"
TO WANT THAT.
THEN I STOP WANTING THAT.
FOR A VERY LONG TIME.
SO LONG THAT I BARELY REMEMBER
WHAT IT FEELS LIKE
OR WHAT IT COULD FEEL LIKE
OR WHY I EVEN WANTED IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
OR AT ALL.
I GUESS AT ONE POINT
I THOUGHT IT SHOULD BE "OKAY"
TO WANT ACTUAL AFFECTION.
JUST THAT.
BUT I CAN'T CHOOSE FOR ANYONE.
THEY HAVE TO.
IT'S NOT UP TO ME.
ABOUT THAT OR OTHER THINGS.
AS A THING I WANTED, THOUGH.
MAYBE I JUST WANTED
TO BE ALLOWED TO WANT THAT.
LIKE MANY OTHERS DO.
BUT WANTING SOMETHING
DOESN'T MEAN THAT I GET TO HAVE IT
JUST BECAUSE I WANTED THAT.
AFFECTION ISN'T LIKE A "TOO MUCH"
TO WANT.
HONESTY ISN'T TOO MUCH TO WANT, EITHER.
BUT WE CAN'T EXPECT THINGS WE WANT
JUST BECAUSE WE WANT THEM.
DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT.
JUST... IF IT'S NOT MUTUAL......
DON'T LEAD ME ON....
DON'T STRING ME ALONG....
DON'T PRETEND TO LIKE ME IF YOU DON'T....
DON'T TRY TO USE ME....
JUST... LET ME BE WITH SOMEONE
WHO ACTUALLY WANTS ME.
THAT'S ALL.
IS THAT TOO MUCH TO WANT?
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO
ACTUALLY BE AFFECTIONATE
TOWARD ME. OKAY!
BUT DO YOU HAVE TO TRY TO
"BREAK" ME?
NO? YOU DON'T?
YOU DON'T!
RIGHT?
PRETTY MUCH JUST THAT.
ANYWAY...... I REGRET TRYING
FOR THE PEOPLE WHO I DIDN'T MATTER TO.
FOR AS LONG AS I DID, TOO.
BUT MY INTENTIONS WEREN'T BAD.
THEY NEVER WERE.
I WAS HONEST.
I CARED.
I SHOWED UP.
I DIDN'T WANT THE WRONG THINGS
FOR THE WRONG REASONS.
IF I DID, THAT'D BE SOMETHING ELSE.
RIGHT?
THEN I'D BE EXPECTING THEM
NOT TO WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME?
WHY WOULD THEY WANT SOMEONE
TO WANT THEM FOR THE WRONG REASONS?
RIGHT?
WOULD THEY? NO?
BUT WHY WOULD I WANT ANYONE
TO FK WITH MY HEART?
WOULD I WANT THAT?
THEY WOULDN'T! RIGHT?
AND THEY ALREADY DID THAT? YEAH?
AND THAT WASN'T COOL WITH ME?
WHY WOULD THAT BE COOL WITH ME?
EVEN THOUGH I AM NOT COOL WITH THAT....
AM I DOING ANYTHING TO THEM?
DID I?
OTHER THAN?
ACCEPTED IT WAS OVER?
WHEN IT ENDED?
YEAH?
WHAT CHOICE DID I HAVE?
BUT? DID THEY WANT ME? NO?
SO THEN?
I HAD TO WHAT?
I HAD TO BE OKAY WITH THAT.
JUST THAT.
HOW WOULD THEY WANT ME
IF THEY NEVER EVEN KNEW ME?
DID THEY EVEN WANT TO KNOW ME?
NO?
NOT EVEN THAT?
IT'S ONE THING TO BE SCARED!
IF YOU DON'T KNOW SOMEONE....
WHAT COULD OR COULDN'T HAPPEN
WITH THEM.....
IT'S OKAY TO BE SCARED!
RIGHT?
THAT I UNDERSTAND....
BUT IF THERE WASN'T A REASON
OTHER THAN THEY DIDN'T KNOW ME?
OR WERE TOLD XYZ
BY SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T WANT THEM
TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME....
IS THAT A REAL REASON TO BE SCARED?
ANYWAY, I'M OKAY WITH THAT.
IF THEY WANTED TO END THINGS
THE WAY THEY CHOSE TO....
THEY DID THAT.
SO WHY SHOW BACK UP?
AT ALL?
IF THEY WERE THAT SCARED?
OR WHATEVER?
I KNOW WHAT IT WAS I WAS LOOKING FOR.
JUST THAT IT'S NOT COMMON.
I WON'T FIND THAT....
IN JUST ANYONE.
AND I DON'T WANT TO KEEP TAKING CHANCES.
ESPECIALLY EMOTIONALLY.
ESPECIALLY AFTER GETTING OVER A LOT OF SH*T.
A LOT OF DUDES ARE FKN SCARED OF ME.
I DIDN'T KNOW WTF WAS SO DAMN INTIMIDATING
ABOUT ME.
I NEVER SAW MYSELF AS ANYTHING "BIG."
THEY WERE ALSO SCARED OF "PACE."
BUT? DID THEY TELL ME THAT?
DID WE TALK ABOUT THAT?
OR ABOUT ANYTHING?
NO?
WERE THEY SCARED OF NOT BEING "GOOD ENOUGH"?
THAT I WANTED SOMETHING I ACTUALLY DIDN'T?
DID WE TALK ABOUT ANY OF THAT? NO?
"I'M GOING TO RUIN IT ANYWAY...
MAY AS WELL DRIVE A*** AWAY..."
DO I HATE THEM?
OR WHAT THEY DID?
WHAT THEY DID!
AND WHY THEY DID IT!
NOT THEM!
I AM TIRED OF BEING "THE LESSON."
CAN I JUST STOP BEING "THE LESSON"
IN MY LIFETIME?
COULD I JUST.... HAVE SOMETHING REAL?
FINALLY?
HAVEN'T I WAITED LONG ENOUGH?
THAT'S WHY I STOPPED WAITING!
I STOPPED WANTING
"HAPPILY EVER AFTER."
I STOPPED BELIEVING THAT COULD "HAPPEN" TO ME.
OR FOR ME.
OR BECAUSE OF ME.
I STOPPED BELIEVING ANY OF MY EFFORT
WOULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
DID IT? NO?
SO THEN?
WHY WOULD I BELIEVE THAT IT WOULD?
Surprise!
HE LOVED TO ARGUE.
ALL THE FKN TIME.
ABOUT PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING I SAID.
HE LOVED TO ARGUE ABOUT POLITICS!
BECAUSE HE'S A LIB.
LIBS LOVE TO ARGUE WITH ME
ABOUT POLITICS.
BUT... LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE, TOO.
MOSTLY POLITICS, THOUGH.
He was arguing with me about the vax....
BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT IT.
WASN'T GETTING IT AND DIDN'T WANT TO.
AND???? IT WAS MY CHOICE! RIGHT?
SO WHY ARGUE WITH ME ABOUT SOMETHING
THAT IS ULTIMATELY MY CHOICE!
ABOUT MY OWN LIFE!?
WAS I GETTING THE VAX FOR HIM?
OR MYSELF?
IF I WAS GOING TO GET IT?
MYSELF! RIGHT?
IT WAS EXHAUSTING.....
TRYING TO TALK.... TO HIM.
ABOUT THINGS HE DIDN'T "AGREE" WITH.
DID HE HAVE TO "AGREE"
TO FKN CONSIDER WHY I DGAF....
IF HE DOES OR DOESN'T?
"AGREE" WITH WHAT I'M SAYING?
I DON'T GAF IF HE AGREES OR DOESN'T!
DOES HE HAVE TO FKN "AGREE"
WITH WHAT I'M SAYING?
NO?
DO I HAVE TO "AGREE"
WITH WHAT THEY ARE SAYING?
NO?
THEN? WHY SHOULD THAT PART FKN MATTER...
TO ACTUALLY CONSIDER....
WHY I DGAF ABOUT THAT PART?
SURPRISE!
IF I DON'T HAVE TO AGREE ALL THE FKN TIME...
OR EVEN GAF ABOUT THAT PART....
WHY IS THAT PART THE "MAIN" THING?
SO THIS DUDE..... WHO I THOUGHT WAS....
AN ACTUAL FRIEND......
WANTED ME TO FKN AGREE WITH HIM....
ALL THE FKN TIME....
ABOUT EVERYTHING....
EVEN THOUGH I FKN DON'T!
AND I DGAF ABOUT THAT SH*T.
WHY DO I NOT GAF ABOUT IT????
DO I NEED TO EXPLAIN ABOUT...
WHY DIDN'T THAT MATTER????
THE APOLOGIES I GET.....
ARE ALWAYS FKN DEFLECTIONS.
HAS HE EVER FKN APOLOGIZED TO ME?
WITHOUT DEFLECTING?
HOW MANY TIMES DID HE EVER SAY TO ME:
"YOU HAVE A POINT"?????
DID I MAKE ANY OF THE POINTS I MADE....
TO HEAR:
"YOU HAVE A POINT"????? NO?
DID I MAKE THE POINT TO MAKE IT? YEAH???
HE EVEN DIPPED BEFORE HE DIPPED AGAIN...
TYPICAL.
I WELCOMED HIM BACK....
THEN? DID IT AGAIN? YEAH?
HE MADE THE POINTS HE MADE
BECAUSE HE WANTED TO "WIN" THE ARGUMENTS.
THE ARGUMENTS HE STARTED.
IF I "AGREED" WITH HIM...
IT VALIDATED HIS POINTS.
AND HE "WON."
THAT'S ALL IT WAS, TO HIM.
HE WANTED TO ALWAYS BE "RIGHT."
TO ME.... I NEVER HAD TO BE "RIGHT."
BUT I ALSO NEVER HAD TO "AGREE"
TO "VALIDATE" SOMEONE
WHO WANTED TO BE "RIGHT"
ALL THE TIME
ABOUT EVERYTHING.
BECAUSE HE COULDN'T TAKE THE FACT
THAT HE DIDN'T HAVE TO BE "RIGHT"
ALL THE TIME.
MAYBE OTHER PEOPLE HAVE "POINTS, TOO.
AND THEY DON'T MAKE THEM
FOR THE SAME REASONS
THAT HE DOES.
I DEALT WITH THAT BS FOR 15 YEARS!!!!!!!!!
IT WASN'T GOING TO CHANGE!
WHY WOULD IT?
DID HE CONSIDER ANYTHING I TOLD HIM?
DID HE LISTEN?
OR? TOO BUSY WANTING TO BE "RIGHT"?
ABOUT EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EVEN ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!!
RIGHT?
IF HE THOUGHT HE WAS RIGHT ABOUT ME....
WOULD HE EVER SEE THAT HE WASN'T???? NO???
SO THEN???? I LET HIM WALK AWAY!
AND???? I AM NOT OBLIGATED....
TO WANT THAT "DYNAMIC"
BACK IN MY LIFE!
IMAGINE IF I HAD TREATED HIM LIKE THAT?
AT ALL???? LET ALONE CONSTANTLY????
IF YOU GHOST ME.... EXPECT ME TO BE DEAD TO YOU.
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'LL BE.
I NEVER HAD TO BE "CONFUSED."
OR ASK THEM WHY THEY FKN ACT THE WAY THEY DO!
I HAD TO "ACCEPT" (AS A FACT) WHAT THEY SHOWED ME.
THAT IS ALL I HAD TO DO!
"WHAT DOES XYZ LOOK LIKE?"
DO I EVEN HAVE TO BE RIGHT ABOUT WHAT I THINK IT LOOKS LIKE?
NO? I DON'T HAVE TO BE RIGHT ABOUT WHAT I THINK?
ABOUT ANYTHING?
SO WHY WOULD I WANT TO ARGUE
AS THOUGH I WAS???? ALWAYS!!!!
AND AS THOUGH BEING RIGHT MATTERED
TO ME ENOUGH TO WANT TO ARGUE ABOUT IT?
AREN'T MY OWN THOUGHTS ENOUGH FOR ME?
WHY SHOULD SOMEONE AGREE WITH ME?
TO THINK WHAT I THINK?
GET IT?
AM I NOT ALLOWED TO THINK WHAT I THINK?
UNLESS EVERYONE ELSE FKN AGREES WITH ME?
LIKE FK RIGHT OFF
WITH TREATING ME LIKE THAT.
AM I TREATING THEM LIKE THAT?
YES OR NO???????
NO!!!!!!!!!!!
WHY THOUGH??????
BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO THINK WHAT THEY WANT TO!
REGARDLESS OF WHAT I THINK!
RIGHT?
SO??? SHOULD I TURN EVERYTHING INTO AN ARGUMENT????
I'VE HAD PEOPLE TRYING TO ARGUE WITH ME
ASSUMING THAT BECAUSE I DIDN'T AGREE WITH THEM
THAT I WANTED TO FKN ARGUE ABOUT IT
OR SOME SH*T.
FKN ASSUMING THAT SH*T....
FOR ONE THING....
SHOULD I ASSUME EVERYONE WANTS TO ARGUE WITH ME?
JUST BECAUSE THEY THINK DIFFERENTLY?
THAN I THINK?
IF I DID ASSUME THAT......
WOULDN'T I BE WASTING MY TIME?
ARGUING FOR NO FKN REASON??????????
YEAH?
IF I HAVE TO TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO FKN JUST....
THINK WHAT THEY THINK....
AND LET OTHERS THINK WHAT THEY THINK....
WITHOUT TRYING TO SWAY THEM....
BY ARGUING WITH THEM.....
AND FIGHTING ABOUT IT....
AND TEACH THEM "LOYALTY".....
WHAT FKN "USE" IS THAT SH*T TO ME?
IF SOMEONE'S GOING TO SWITCH UP ON ME....
OKAY, DO THAT.
BUT???? THEY WERE THE ONES WHO DID THAT.
NOT ME.
OF COURSE POLITICIANS DIVIDE PEOPLE!
WHY DO YOU THINK THEY DO THAT SH*T?
I KNOW WHY THEY DO IT....
TO SOMEONE STUCK ON EVERYTHING THEY THINK?
WHY ARE THEY STUCK ON EVERYTHING THEY THINK?
ABOUT POLITICS? OR ABOUT ME?
IF I PUT THEM THROUGH THE EXACT SAME THINGS....
AS THEY DID TO ME...
WOULD THEY ENJOY IT?
WOULD THEY WANT TO BE THERE?
NO?
BECAUSE IF THAT'S ALL THEY GOT FROM ME....
THAT'S PROBABLY....
ALL THEY WOULD GET FROM ME.
RIGHT?
AND DID I WANT TO BE "RIGHT" ALL THE TIME?
OR???? JUST HEARD????
BECAUSE???? IF THEY HEARD ME....
THE FIRST TIME...
THEY MIGHT HAVE "THOUGHT" ABOUT....
WHAT I WAS SAYING...
AND WHY I SAID IT.
AND IF THEY DID THAT.....
THEY MIGHT THINK ABOUT ME DIFFERENTLY.
AT LEAST THAT.
BUT THE WAY THEY TREAT ME.....
THEY ALSO DO THAT SH*T TO OTHER PEOPLE.
SO THEY WILL KEEP DOING THAT SH*T
REGARDLESS OF WHETHER I'M "THERE" OR NOT.
IF THEY THOUGHT THEY COULD DO THAT TO ME....
THEY THINK THEY CAN JUST.... DO THAT.
DOING IT IS WHAT MATTERED TO THEM. NOT ME.
NOT OUR SO-CALLED FRIENDSHIP...
TESTING ME MATTERED TO THEM. NOT ME.
IF I MATTERED, WHY TEST ME?
WASN'T I GOING TO SEE IT? EVENTUALLY?
AT FIRST.... DID I SEE IT?
NO?
BECAUSE I DIDN'T GET THAT PEOPLE HAVE
REASONS FOR DOING WHAT THEY DO.
AND NOT DOING WHAT THEY DON'T.
I KNEW THAT ABOUT MYSELF....
BUT I DIDN'T APPLY THOSE THINGS TO OTHERS.
BECAUSE... I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT THAT
AT THAT TIME.
HE WANTED ME TO BE SOMETHING AND SOMEONE
THAT HE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.....
(BECAUSE I TRIED TO TELL HIM)
THAT I'M NOT!!!!!!!!!!
THEN TRYING TO COME BACK TOWARDS ME.....
AFTER PUSHING ME AWAY......
REPEATEDLY.....
IS THERE A POINT IN THAT?
TRYING TO "OUTCAST" ME....
LIKE I WAS THE "ONE WHO DOESN'T BELONG."
OKAY. THEN I DON'T.
DO I HAVE TO GAF THAT I DON'T?
DO I HAVE TO WANT TO?
YES OR NO?
NO! I DON'T HAVE TO GAF THAT I DON'T.
I DON'T HAVE TO WANT TO, EITHER.
DO MIND GAMES HAVE TO "WORK" ON ME?
OR DO I HAVE TO SEE THEM FOR WHAT THEY ARE?
IF I DIDN'T SEE THEM FOR WHAT THEY ARE.....
MAYBE THEY WOULD HAVE WORKED!
RIGHT?
IF THEY WANT TO SET FIRES IN THEIR LIVES....
DO I HAVE TO STICK AROUND?
TO WATCH IT BURN?
IT'D BE LIKE SETTING MYSELF ABLAZE....
AND FORGETTING:
STOP! DROP! AND ROLL!
RIGHT?
I SAW A VIDEO...
IN IT.... A DUDE SET HIMSELF ON FIRE...
ANOTHER DUDE WAS JUST WALKING BY....
WATCHING HIM BURN.
SOMEONE ELSE WAS FILMING.
ONLY ONE PERSON:
"I'M GOING TO TRY TO SAVE HIM."
TRIED TO PUT THE FIRE OUT.
IN THIS ANALOGY....
YOU CAN PUT YOURSELF....
AS ANYONE IN THAT VIDEO....
RIGHT?
1) THE PERSON WHO SETS THEMSELVES ON FIRE
2) THE PERSON CASUALLY WALKING BY
3) THE PERSON FILMING FROM A DISTANCE
4) THE PERSON WHO TRIED TO SAVE HIM FROM HIMSELF
5) THE PERSON WHO USES THE VIDEO AS AN ANALOGY
IRONICALLY.... HE SAID:
"YOU DON'T HAVE TO SET YOURSELF ON FIRE
TO KEEP SOMEONE ELSE WARM."
I GOT THAT QUOTE FROM HIM!
IRONY!
THAT ALSO MEANS....
I DON'T HAVE TO SET MYSELF ON FIRE
TO KEEP HIM WARM, EITHER!
THAT MEANS NOT HAVING TO PARTICIPATE
IN EVERY ARGUMENT
HE TRIED TO DRAW ME INTO?
YEAH?
AND LOOK HOW HE ACTED WHEN I REFUSED
TO BE DRAWN INTO YET ANOTHER ARGUMENT?
ALL THE ARGUMENTS
JUST FED HIS EGO.
I STOPPED FEEDING IT.
THAT'S ALL I DID.
AND THAT WAS ENOUGH....
FOR HIM TO ACT THE WAY HE DID.
AND???? I NOTICED IT.
THAT'S ALL THAT I DID.
AND IF THAT WAS ENOUGH TO END....
WHAT I THOUGHT WAS A FRIENDSHIP....
THAT WAS ENOUGH! RIGHT?
TO END IT!
AFTER 15 YEARS!
RIGHT?
SO IF THAT WAS ALL IT TOOK.....
WAS HE AN ACTUAL FRIEND?????
YES OR NO?????
THINKING SOMEONE WAS YOUR FRIEND....
AN ACTUAL FRIEND....
DOESN'T MEAN THEY LOOK AT YOU
THE WAY YOU LOOKED AT THEM.
LIKE IF HE LOOKED AT ME LIKE I WAS THERE
TO STROKE HIS EGO...
IF I REFUSED TO DO IT....
WHY WOULD HE WANT ME THERE?
HE WOULDN'T WANT ME THERE!
RIGHT? NO "USE" FOR ME!
IF I REFUSED TO DO THE THINGS THEY WANTED!
IT'S LIKE THIS...
THE ONLY TIMES I ASKED HIM FOR HELP....
IT WAS BECAUSE I NEEDED IT.
1) WAS HE OBLIGATED TO HELP ME? NO?
2) WAS HIS HELP ALWAYS APPRECIATED? YES?
3) WOULD I HAVE HELPED HIM, IF I COULD? YES?
4) WAS I ASKING HIM BECAUSE I TRUSTED HIM? YES?
5) WAS I ONLY ASKING BECAUSE I ACTUALLY NEEDED HELP? YES?
BUT... I DIDN'T THINK ACCEPTING HIS HELP
OR ASKING FOR IT....
WOULD MAKE ME "SEEM WEAK."
SO "WEAK" THAT I WAS EXPECTED....
TO ACCEPT A DYNAMIC
THAT I NEVER AGREED TO.
IF I EXPECTED HIM TO ACCEPT A DYNAMIC
THAT HE NEVER AGREED TO...
WOULDN'T HE BE LIKE: "I DIDN'T AGREE TO THIS!"
AND IF HE DID.... SHOULD I ACT AS THOUGH HE DID????
SHOULD I ACT AS THOUGH HE AGREED TO SOMETHING
HE DIDN'T AGREE TO?
AND TELLING ME: "I NEVER AGREED TO THIS, A***."
I HAD MANY WAYS TO TAKE THAT, RIGHT?
IF HE SAID IT TO ME?
IF HE SAID: "I NEVER AGREED TO ARGUE WITH YOU
EVERY FKN TIME YOU WANT TO!"
IF HE SAID THAT TO ME..... HOW COULD I TAKE THAT?
AS THE TRUTH? YEAH?
WELL.... I SAID IT....
BY NOT WANTING TO FKN ARGUE ALL THE DAMN TIME!!!!!!!!
AND REFUSING TO FKN PARTICIPATE
IN SOMETHING I NEVER FKN AGREED TO
PARTICIPATE IN!
IF I HAD EXPECTED THAT FROM HIM?
AND IF THAT WAS "ENOUGH" TO END "EVERYTHING"
BETWEEN US?
HOW WOULD THAT "SEEM" TO HIM?
AS THOUGH IT NEVER MATTERED?
POSSIBLY!
WANTED TO "WIN," RIGHT?
ONLY PEOPLE WHO ARE AFRAID TO LOSE
WANT TO WIN.
BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN "WINNING" SEEMS TO MATTER!
AND IF THEY WANT TO WIN ALL THE TIME....
THEY WANTED ME TO "LOSE" ALL THE TIME....
BECAUSE? TO THEM.....
THERE COULD ONLY BE "ONE WINNER"!
RIGHT?
AND IT HAD TO BE THEM!
BECAUSE WHY WOULD THEY WANT TO LOSE?
TO ME?
TO FEEL LIKE A "LOSER"?
OF COURSE NOT.
THEY LOOKED AT ME LIKE THE "LOSER."
THE WHOLE TIME.
THANKS FOR THAT.
GUESS WHAT....?
I DON'T NEED ANYONE TO AGREE WITH ME.....????
I DON'T NEED ANYONE TO BE "THE LOSER"
I DON'T NEED TO BE "THE WINNER"
I DON'T GAF ABOUT ANY OF THAT.
DID I? WHEN I WAS YOUNG? VERY YOUNG?
MAYBE?
UNTIL I SAW THAT IT DOESN'T FKN MATTER????
SHOULDN'T HAVE MATTERED.... AT ALL....
LET ALONE MORE THAN WHAT COULD HAVE MATTERED!
BUT DID ANYONE LISTEN TO ME?
SO WHAT DID IT MATTER IF I WAS RIGHT?
DID IT?
ONLY TO ME?
SEE WHAT I MEAN?
IF BEING RIGHT... ONLY MATTERED TO ME....
BECAUSE NOBODY WANTED TO LISTEN....
WHAT WOULD IT MATTER?
TO ANYONE ELSE?
JUST BECAUSE I DIDN'T AGREE
OR EVEN HAVE TO...
DOESN'T MEAN I WASN'T LISTENING, THOUGH.
I HEARD HIM.
DID HE HEAR ME?
IF I ONLY HAD "A POINT" ONCE?
THE ONE TIME HE DIDN'T DISREGARD EVERYTHING
I WAS SAYING?
JUST BECAUSE I DIDN'T AGREE WITH HIM?
IT SEEMS THAT IF YOU THINK DIFFERENTLY.... AT ALL...
YOU WON'T "BELONG."
THAT IS FINE.
BUT WHAT I AM NOT COOL WITH....
IS PRETENDING TO BE AN ACTUAL FRIEND....
SOMEONE WHO CAN BE TRUSTED.
I'M NOT OKAY WITH THAT.
I'M OKAY WITH NOT "BELONGING."
BECAUSE SOME BOXES I DON'T FIT IN.
FOR A REASON.
I'VE BEEN COOL WITH THAT.
FOR A VERY LONG TIME.
SO THAT STOPPED MATTERING TO ME.
AT SOME POINT, ALREADY.
SHOULD I WANT OTHERS TO FIT INTO BOXES
THAT THEY DON'T FIT INTO?
AND SHOULD I EXPECT THEM
TO TRY TO CRAM THEMSELVES INTO A BOX
THEY DON'T FIT INTO?
JUST BECAUSE I THOUGHT
THAT WAS THE BOX THEY FIT INTO?
TO GET TO BE IN MY LIFE?
IF THEY ARE BLUE....
WHY SHOULD I EXPECT THEM
TO CRAM THEMSELVES INTO
AN ORANGE BOX?
SHOULD I EXPECT THEM TO?
YES OR NO??????
MAYBE I "UNDERSTOOD" MORE
THAN THEY THOUGHT I DID????
BUT TELLING THEM WHAT I "UNDERSTAND"
WOULD HAVE DONE WHAT?
WHAT WOULD IT HAVE DONE?
ANYTHING?
DID HE HAVE TO AGREE WITH MY "MATURITY"?
OR HIS OWN "IMMATURITY"?
FOR ME TO BE "MATURE"?
OR FOR HIM TO BE "IMMATURE"?
IF HE WAS MATURE....
WHY WOULD HE ASSUME ANYTHING ABOUT ME?
WHY WOULD HE TRY TO CREATE
A "POWER DYNAMIC"?
BETWEEN US?
WHY WOULD HE ACT IN THE WAYS THAT HE DID?
I COULD HAVE LEFT MANY FKN TIMES!!!!!!!!!!
WHEN HE FKN LET ME DOWN!!!!!!!!
RIGHT?
DID I?
WHY WOULD HE NEED ME TO ADMIRE HIM?
WHY WOULD HE PUT HIMSELF ABOVE ME?
WHY WOULD I HAVE TO "LOSE"
EVERY ARGUMENT HE DREW ME INTO?
WHY DID I EVEN FKN ACCEPT ANY OF THAT SH*T?
BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WOULD FKN STOP....
WHEN HE FINALLY GOT HIS HEAD OUT OF HIS @SS!
THAT'S WHY.
DID I WANT HIM TO GET HIS HEAD OUT OF HIS @SS?
YEAH?
THOUGHT HE WOULD EVENTUALLY? YEAH?
BUT? WHAT HAPPENED?
HOW DID THAT GO?
WHAT STRESSES PEOPLE OUT....
IS WHEN THEY TRY TO HAVE "POWER" OVER ME...
AND THEY FIND OUT THAT THEY NEVER HAD ANY.
I LET THEM THINK THEY HAD POWER OVER ME...
BY NOT TAKING POWER OVER THEM.
IF I WANTED TO, I COULD DO THAT.
BY???? JUST TELLING THE TRUTH!
JUST LIKE THIS!
THEY NEEDED MY "ADMIRATION"
TO TRY TO GET ME TO "CHASE"
AND XYZ....
AND WHEN I DON'T?
MAYBE I DON'T ADMIRE PEOPLE
WHO ACT LIKE THAT.
IF A CONVERSATION..... EVEN THAT....
IS TOO HARD TO EVEN HAVE...
IS THERE A POINT IN ADMIRING THEM?
WHO IS ARROGANT ENOUGH TO EXPECT
ADMIRATION?
WHAT DO I EXPECT FROM PEOPLE:
1) THEY WILL SHOW ME HOW THEY ARE
BY BEING HOW THEY ARE
2) THEY WILL SHOW ME WHAT MATTERS TO THEM
AND WHAT DOESN'T
3) THEY WILL SHOW ME IF THEY ACTUALLY VALUE ME
AS A PERSON OR NOT
SO IF THEY SHOW ME SOMETHING....
TO THE CONTRARY OF WHAT I INITIALLY THOUGHT?
THEN? I WAS WRONG!
THAT'S IT!
AM I ALLOWED TO BE WRONG? YEAH?
THEN? OKAY! I WAS WRONG.
ABOUT WHAT I THOUGHT.
BECAUSE? I WAS SHOWN SOMETHING ELSE.
NOT BECAUSE I HAD TO BE "RIGHT"?
BUT? WHY TRY TO CONVINCE ME TO "CHANGE"
JUST TO "ADJUST" TO SOMETHING
THAT THEY THOUGHT ABOUT ME?
SHOULD I DO THAT TO THEM? NO?
THEN? WHY DO THAT TO ME?
THEY THOUGHT THEY COULD KEEP ME "TRAPPED"
BY PLAYING GAMES WITH ME
THAT I WASN'T PLAYING WITH THEM....
JUST TO? FK WITH THE FEELINGS
THEY KNEW THAT I HAD.
AT ONE POINT.
BUT???? HOW DID THAT WORK OUT?
THE WAY THEY THOUGHT IT WOULD?
NO?
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE GAMES LIKE THAT....
AREN'T SOMETHING I "ADMIRE."
SO WHY WOULD THEY GET MY "ADMIRATION"?
I KNOW WHAT "HEALTHY" DOESN'T FEEL LIKE.
"POWER DYNAMICS" AREN'T "HEALTHY."
YOU CAN'T DEMAND MY RESPECT,
BUT YOU CAN LOSE IT VERY EASILY.
IF THEY WANTED MY RESPECT,
THEY COULD HAVE HAD IT.
BUT WHO I WAS.... ISN'T WHO I AM....
AND... WHO THEY THOUGHT I WAS.....
ISN'T WHO I ACTUALLY AM.
WHEN YOU TRY TO "MOVE" SOMETHING....
THAT WON'T MOVE....
ALL THAT "FORCE"
GOES BACK TO THE PERSON
WHO TRIED TO APPLY IT.
WAS IT EASIER TO "TRIGGER" ME? BACK THEN? YEAH?
DID THINGS AFFECT ME? YEAH?
BECAUSE I WASN'T NUMB TO THE BS?
WASN'T NUMB OR DUMB?
BUT DOUBTING MYSELF
LIKE THEY WANTED ME TO....
HAD ME IN DOUBT?
DO I HAVE TO DOUBT SOME THINGS
THAT I KNOW TO BE TRUE?
ABOUT THE "POWER DYNAMIC"?
ABOUT MYSELF?
REGARDLESS OF ANY "POWER DYNAMIC"
ANYONE WANTED ME TO BE STUCK IN?
NO? I DIDN'T? AND DON'T HAVE TO?
NEVER HAD TO?
AND WHEN I DIDN'T AGREE TO THE BS
"POWER DYNAMIC"
HOW DID THEY ACT?
WHAT DID THEY TRY TO DO?
TRIED TO RUIN MY REPUTATION?
IS THAT SOMETHING I CAN "UNSEE"?
AND "UNKNOW"?
NO?
NOT ONLY DO PEOPLE ASSUME....
THEY ACCUSE!
ACCUSATIONS P*SSED ME OFF, SURE!
BUT WHY ARE THEY WANTING EVERYONE TO SEE ME
IN AN XYZ WAY?
IS THERE A REASON WHY?
IF THERE IS..... WHAT IS IT?
AND IS THAT MY REASON? OR THEIRS?
THEIR REASON?
NOT MINE?
IF IT ISN'T MY REASON....
WHO DOES IT HAVE MORE TO DO WITH?
ME OR THEM?
I GIVE PEOPLE A WAY TO EVEN MAKE IT UP TO ME.
AND IF THEY DON'T WANT TO....
THEY DON'T HAVE TO....
BUT I GAVE THEM THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO THAT....
RIGHT?
DID I TELL HIM HE HAD TO DO IT?
OR WAS IT AN OPPORTUNITY HE COULD TAKE
IF HE WANTED TO?
BUT WHAT WAS IT REALLY ABOUT?
SOMETHING ELSE? YEAH?
IF IT WAS BECAUSE I GOT INTO CODING....
AND HE WANTED TO FEEL "IMPORTANT"
AND THE ONLY WAY HE COULD DO THAT....
WAS TO TRY TO GET "ADMIRATION"
FROM ME AND EVERYONE ELSE....
WHEN CODING WASN'T ABOUT GETTING "ADMIRATION"
FROM ANYONE....
CODING WAS ABOUT???? CODING!
ABOUT? REPLACEMENT THERAPY
TO HELP ME QUIT DRINKING.
OKAY? AM I NOT "ALLOWED" TO HAVE SOMETHING?
FOR MYSELF?
SOMETHING THAT I CHOSE?
LIKE CODING?
IF HE DIDN'T FEEL ADMIRED...
AND ADMIRATION WAS IMPORTANT TO HIM....
WAS IT IMPORTANT ENOUGH
TO ACCUSE ME OF THINGS THAT AREN'T TRUE?
ABOUT MY CHARACTER?
ABOUT MY REPUTATION?
TO LIE ABOUT ME?
TO ANYONE?
TO EVERYONE?
WAS IT THAT IMPORTANT?
BECAUSE... IF IT WAS....
THEY CAN HAVE THAT.
WHAT I DIDN'T SAY....
ALSO SPEAKS FOR ME.
SPEAKS TO MY CHARACTER....
RIGHT?
BECAUSE???? I COULD HAVE SAID THIS....
A LONG TIME AGO?
INSTEAD OF?
NOT SAYING IT?
CORRECTING ANYONE....
DOESN'T REQUIRE EMBARRASSING ANYONE.
LIKE THEY TRIED TO DO TO ME....
WHEN I SUPPOSEDLY MADE "THE ERROR."
BUT THE ERROR WAS ABOUT????
HONESTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HONESTY MATTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO DO
ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL....
MATTERS!
RIGHT?
BECAUSE I HAVE THAT DUDE'S ADDRESS.
RIGHT?
IF I WANTED TO START SOME SH*T
OVER THIS SH*T....
I'D KNOW WHERE TO TAKE THAT SH*T.
RIGHT?
IF I WANTED TO DO THAT?
DID I WANT HIM TO FEEL OVERLOOKED? NO?
DID ANYONE RECOGNIZING ANYTHING
ABOUT ME
HAVE TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM?
NO?
BEING OVERLOOKED BECAUSE I STARTED DOING SOMETHING
THAT I CHOSE TO START DOING
FOR MY OWN REASONS...
ISN'T THE SAME THING
AS INTENTIONALLY WRONGING THEM
LIKE I WANTED THEM TO FEEL LIKE THAT!
RIGHT?
HE COULD HAVE ASKED: WHY AM I FEELING LIKE THIS?
DOES THIS HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH A***?
"I BELIEVED XYZ ABOUT YOU.... AND DIDN'T ASK YOU!"
"COULD HAVE ASKED ME? AND DIDN'T?"
I COULD HAVE EXPOSED A LOT!
DID I HAVE TO BE "MEAN"? THOUGH?
DID I HAVE TO DO THE SAME THINGS THEY DID?
IN THE SAME WAYS THAT THEY DID?
ESPECIALLY AT THE END?
NO?
WHAT BUGGED ME....
IS THEY CAVE TO SOCIAL PRESSURE...
AND.... THINK SOME THINGS ARE FUNNY
WHEN THEY ACTUALLY AREN'T!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO "ADMIRE" THAT?
WILL THEY ADMIT THAT THEY HAD
SEVERAL CHANCES?
JUST TO LISTEN TO ME?
YEAH? THEY DID?
SEVERAL?
BUT? WILL THEY ADMIT THAT????
TO ANYONE?
LET ALONE THEMSELVES?
EVEN THOUGH IT WAS TRUE?
MOST PEOPLE WILL LITERALLY LISTEN
TO EVERYONE BUT ME.
"WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"
IF I'M THE ONE TELLING YOU THE TRUTH....
WOULD YOU WANT TO?
OR NOT?
DEPENDS HOW YOU "HANDLE" THE TRUTH...
AND HOW YOU "HANDLE" ME.
RIGHT?
BUT? SOME THINGS....
I DIDN'T SEE UNTIL MUCH LATER.
LOOKING BACK..... TO IT.
WE CAN DISTORT OUR OWN VIEWS. VERY EASILY.
SO I HAVE TO LOOK AT IT LIKE:
IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT.
BECAUSE IT ISN'T ABOUT THAT ENTIRELY, ANYWAY.
IT'S ABOUT WHAT? FACTS. PRIMARILY.
SO IF YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE
MAKING IT ABOUT WHAT IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT
AND YOU GET MISTREATED FOR DOING THAT....
THAT IS ANOTHER FACT!
IS IT NOT?
BUT? WHEN YOU MAKE PROGRESS.
AND SOMEONE RESENTS IT....
ARE THEY GOING TO TELL YOU THAT THEY DO?
ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY SHOULDN'T?
WHEN YOU MAKE YOUR OWN CHOICES....
WITHOUT THEIR "INPUT"....
THEY DON'T FEEL "NEEDED" ANYMORE.
THEY RESENT THAT.
THEY ENJOY BEING THE ONE TO HAVE "THE ANSWERS."
EVEN WHEN THEY WERE WRONG?
ABOUT A LOT?
HOW DO THEY ACT WHEN YOU TELL THEM
THAT SOMETHING THEY TOLD YOU
WOULDN'T HAVE ANY CONSEQUENCES?
HAS CONSEQUENCES?
AND WHEN YOU TELL THEM
WHAT THOSE CONSEQUENCES WERE?
SO THAT THEY KNOW?
AND WON'T TELL SOMEONE ELSE?
THE SAME THING THEY TOLD YOU?
HOW DO THEY ACT?
WHEN YOU DO THAT?
WATCH THAT.
IT WILL TELL YOU.
THE ONE WHO ENJOYS...
BEING THE ONE WITH "THE ANSWERS..."
THEY ALSO ENJOY.... HAVING "INFLUENCE."
I'D LIKE YOU TO IMAGINE SOMETHING....
IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.... NOT SAYING IT DID....
JUST SOMETHING TO IMAGINE....
AS AN ANALOGY ONLY......
LET'S NOT EVEN MAKE THIS ABOUT HIM OR I.
JUST TWO PEOPLE. OKAY?
FRIEND A AND FRIEND B. FA AND FB. OKAY?
FA IS "STRUGGLING" WITH SOMETHING.
FB THINKS THE SOLUTION
IS PREPPING THEM FOR SOMETHING
THAT FB DOES.
AS A JOB.
FA.... HAD FA RAN WITH THAT....
ENDED UP AT THE SAME COMPANY....
AS FB....
IF FB GOT AN OPPORTUNITY
AT THE SAME COMPANY AS FA....
AND FA TOLD FB THAT THEY WANTED TO DO THE JOB WELL...
AND WASN'T SURE ABOUT WHAT SUPPORT THEY WOULD NEED...
AND IF FB WENT TO THE COMPANY
AND TOLD THE COMPANY
THAT FA "COULDN'T DO IT."
AND THE COMPANY.... LOOKS AT FA
THE WAY THAT FB APPROACHED THEM...
ABOUT FA...
NOT THE WAY FA.... ACTUALLY WAS.
NOT ABOUT FA'S ACTUAL ABILITY
TO ACTUALLY DO
MEANINGFUL WORK....
WOULD FA..... BE SURPRISED....
THAT FB WOULD DO THAT?
PROBABLY!
WOULD FB BE USING "INFLUENCE"
TO "INFLUENCE" THE COMPANY'S CHOICES?
ABOUT WHAT FA CAN AND "CAN'T" DO?
YEAH.
THAT!!!! IS THE ANALOGY.
I'M USING THIS AS AN ANALOGY....
BECAUSE IT WAS PRESENTED TO ME....
AS.... A "SYMBOLIC STORY."
WOULD FB HAVE A REASON FOR APPROACHING
THE COMPANY? AT ALL?
LET ALONE ABOUT FA?
COULD FB HAVE HANDLED FA ANOTHER WAY?
YEAH?
WITH 12-YEAR DISCARD.....
HE LIED TO ME.... TO GET MY TIME.
AND WHEN HE GOT IT.....
HOW DID HE TREAT ME AND MY TIME?
AND WHEN I STOPPED?
BECAUSE HE BURNED THROUGH MY TRUST?
TRUSTING THAT HE WOULDN'T DO THAT?
Here's something....
THERE'S A FEMALE.... I USED TO CHILL WITH...
WE HAD AN ISSUE ABOUT HER WANTING TO
HAVE CONTROL OVER ME CONSTANTLY....
SO WHEN I WASN'T LETTING HER CONTROL ME....
SHE GOT MAD.
THEN SHE DIDN'T WANT TO BE FRIENDS ANYMORE.
SO I LET HER GO....
AND WHEN HER DAUGHTER DIED...
DESPITE HAVING NOTHING TO DO WITH ME...
BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME....
BECAUSE I WASN'T COOL WITH BEING CONTROLLED...
AND DIDN'T WANT TO BE...
AND DIDN'T SEE WHY I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE...
AND WAS I DOING THAT TO THEM? NO?
THEN WHY TRY TO DO IT TO ME?
ANYWAY, WHEN HER DAUGHTER DIED....
WHO DID SHE REACH OUT TO?
ME!
WHY? BECAUSE SHE KNEW I WOULD BE THERE!
FOR HER!
AND WAS I? AS A FRIEND? YEAH?
FOR HOW LONG?
A WEEK? YEAH?
DESPITE HAVING MY OWN LIFE?
YEAH?
BUT? DON'T TELL EVERYONE
WHO WAS THERE FOR YOU.....
EVEN THOUGH YOU ALREADY.....
TREATED THEM....
LIKE THEY WEREN'T......
ANYONE......
TO YOU
ANYMORE.
BECAUSE? WHAT WOULD THAT LOOK LIKE?
ABOUT ME?
DID I DO THAT BECAUSE I WANTED ANYTHING FROM HER?
OR WAS I DOING THAT TO FKN BE KIND TO HER?
WHEN SHE NEEDED SOMEONE TO BE?
AND WHEN I STUCK UP FOR HER MOTHER!!!!!!!!!
HOW SHE WAS TREATING HER MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!
IN FRONT OF ME!!!!!!!!!!!
WOULD SHE LISTEN TO HER MOTHER?????
NO!
WOULDN'T LET HER SPEAK!
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
MY MOTHER ISN'T SOMEONE
WHO WOULD DROP EVERYTHING
FOR ME.
LIKE HERS DID FOR HER.
EVEN ON THAT VERY DAY.
THAT SHE WOULDN'T LET HER SPEAK!
AND THEN?
DID SHE LET ME SPEAK?
OR? TOLD ME TO LEAVE?
SO? I LEFT?
AND? SHE ASKED FOR HER KEY BACK?
SO? I GAVE HER THE KEYS BACK?
AND? THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I SAW HER?
YEAH?
SO THEN?
WAS I ANYTHING TO HER?
NO?
SO THEN?
MY LIFE NOW.
SOMETIMES THINGS THAT FEEL
LIKE A PUNISHMENT
IS PROTECTION
FROM THINGS
LIKE THIS.
IT WASN'T FAIR
HOW SHE TREATED HER MOTHER.
IT WASN'T FAIR
HOW SHE TREATED ME.
AND I DON'T REGRET TELLING HER THAT.
OR ATTEMPTING TO.
FOR SPEAKING UP.
IF IT'D BEEN THE OTHER WAY AROUND....
SHE MIGHT HAVE SPOKEN UP.
TO ME.
FOR ACTING LIKE THAT.
IT'S EASY TO HEAR A "STORY" ABOUT ME...
AND THINK THAT'S THE TRUTH....
BUT YOU HAVE TO FACTOR IN.....
WHO HAS SOMETHING TO HIDE.
THEY HIDE HOW THEY ACTUALLY TREATED ME.
BECAUSE THEY WON'T ADMIT TO IT.
NOW I'M NOT THERE TO DEFEND MYSELF?
AGAINST WHAT?
ASSUMPTIONS?
ACCUSATIONS?
NARRATIVES?
WHAT WOULD EXPLAINING MYSELF
YET AGAIN DO?
MAKE THEM ALL MAGICALLY UNDERSTAND?
IF I DO IT ONE MORE TIME?
IF THEY DIDN'T THE FIRST TIME????
BUT? HOW DO THEY WANT TO PRESENT THEMSELVES?
IN THE BEST LIGHT? YEAH?
HOW WOULD THEY WANT TO PRESENT ME?
IN THE WORST LIGHT? YEAH?
DID THEY TELL PEOPLE
THAT I TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO THEM
WHY SOMETHING WAS BOTHERING ME?
DID THEY TELL PEOPLE
THAT I "REACTED"?
NOT WHAT I "REACTED" TO?
THEY EXPECTED ME TO "BLOW UP"
LIKE THEY WERE TOLD THAT I WOULD.
AND WHEN I DIDN'T?
MAYBE I WALKED AWAY
BECAUSE IT WAS THE ONLY THING
THAT I COULD REASONABLY DO!
WOULD IT BE REASONABLE
TO KEEP GOING THROUGH THAT CRAP?
WHAT WAS IT LIKE FOR ME
WHEN IT WAS JUST HER AND I?
COMPARED TO WHEN
THERE WAS SOMEONE ELSE AROUND?
WHEN I BROUGHT THINGS UP....
IT BECAME ABOUT SOMETHING
OTHER THAN WHAT I BROUGHT UP?
AND NOBODY ELSE GOT TO SEE
HOW THOSE WENT?
FOR ME?
THAT WAS AN EXPERIENCE! RIGHT?
BUT I KEPT THAT TO MYSELF?
NOT WHAT THE DISAGREEMENTS WERE ABOUT?
JUST "A***'S XYZ...."
NOT "WHY DID A*** REACH THAT POINT?"
HOW MUCH DID IT COST ME
EMOTIONALLY....
"WILL ONE MORE CONVERSATION MAKE A DIFFERENCE?"
"IF NONE OF THEM HAVE BEFORE THAT?"
BUT WHY SHOULD I BE CAUTIOUS ABOUT
HOW I FEEL?
AND WHY?
WE KNOW HOW THAT WENT? RIGHT?
SPEAKING UP CHANGED WHAT?
WHAT IF I OVERLOOKED WAY TOO MUCH SH*T
BECAUSE CONFRONTING IT
WOULD HAVE BEEN A HUGE WASTE
OF MY FKN TIME
BECAUSE OF HOW THEY ACT
WHEN I DO THAT.
MY EFFORTS WERE CHANGING
HOW I WAS BEING TREATED?
NO?
THEN?
I COULDN'T KEEP GOING LIKE THAT. IN THAT.
BUT THEY EXPECTED ME TO "COME BACK"
BECAUSE I GAVE THEM CHANCES BEFORE.
THEY GOT USED TO THAT.
GOT TOO COMFORTABLE.
WITH WHAT THEY EXPECTED FROM ME.
THEY WANTED MY MAINTENANCE OF THE CONNECTION
TO MATTER MORE TO ME
THAN ADDRESSING ANYTHING!!!!!!
ADDRESSING THINGS MATTERS TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FORGIVENESS DOES NOT MEAN
THAT I WANT TO BE TREATED
THE WAY I WAS BEING TREATED.
AS THOUGH I WAS OBLIGATED TO GIVE THEM
WHATEVER THEY EXPECTED FROM ME
WHILE NOT EXPECTING ANYTHING
FROM THEMSELVES.
IF THEY TREAT OTHER PEOPLE HOW THEY TREATED ME....
MAYBE THEY WILL UNDERSTAND
HOW I WAS BEING TREATED!
RIGHT?
AND "A***'S BEING DIFFICULT"
OR "A*** CAN'T BE COMMUNICATED WITH"
OR "A*** XYZ"
NOT "A*** NEVER WANTED TO DEAL WITH THIS SH*T"
NOT "I TREATED A*** IN A WAY SHE DIDN'T DESERVE."
NOT "I REFUSED TO LISTEN TO A***."
NOT "I DISCARDED A*** REPEATEDLY."
THEY CAN GET PEOPLE TO "SYMPATHIZE" WITH THEM
THAT "A*** XYZ...."
BUT GETTING A*** TO TRUST YOU AGAIN....
IS SOMETHING ELSE.
RIGHT?
SHOW ME THAT I'M "UNWANTED" IN ANY KIND OF WAY....
THEN YEAH, I'LL REMEMBER THAT.
"MEMORIES" WERE SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME "OVERLOOK" THINGS.
RIGHT?
"COMING BACK" WAS SUPPOSED TO BE EASIER
THAN KEEPING MY DISTANCE?
AND THINGS THAT THEY HID FROM OTHERS
CAN COME OUT.
DID I WANT THEM TO SEE HOW HARD I TRIED?
HOW MUCH I OVERLOOKED?
NOBODY'S UNDERSTANDING OF IT
CHANGES ANY OF IT.
RIGHT?
SO DOES THAT PART EVEN MATTER?
CARING WASN'T ENOUGH TO "CHANGE" ANYTHING.
BECAUSE IT DIDN'T!
RIGHT?
OR????
IT WOULD HAVE!
RIGHT?
SO THEN?
CARING DIDN'T CHANGE ANYTHING!
THE PAINFUL PART IS...
THAT THEY THOUGHT I'D BE WAITING AROUND FOREVER!
AND WHAT I BROUGHT TO THEM.....
MEANT NOTHING.
TO THEM.
NOTHING TO THEM.
AND THEY EXPECTED ME TO "REMAIN AVAILABLE"
WHILE BEING AVAILABLE FOR EVERYONE ELSE.
HE LIKED BEING THE PERSON WHO COULD XYZ....
BUT WHEN IT CAME TO ME?
I DIDN'T NEED HIM FOR XYZ....
IT WASN'T ABOUT THAT....
HE KNEW THIS.... OR SO I THOUGHT....
"SHE'S PATIENT. SHE'LL WAIT FOREVER."
NO.
IF THEY CAN MAKE TIME FOR EVERYONE ELSE...
CAN LISTEN TO EVERYONE ELSE...
CAN CARE ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE....
DID I GET TO MATTER?
JUST THAT?
WAS I ASKING "WHAT CAN HE DO FOR ME?" NO?
VERY QUICK TO MOVE WHEN IT'S SOMEONE ELSE....
RIGHT?
BUT WHEN THEY NEED THAT LOYALTY BACK?
THEY DON'T GET IT?
THEY WANTED ACCESS?
TO WHAT THEY WERE PROVIDED?
WHERE IS EVERYONE????
EVERYONE WHO MATTERED
WHEN SOMETHING WAS IN IT FOR THEM?
WHO IS THERE WHEN I'M NOT?
WHO WAS THERE JUST TO BE THERE?
ME? I WAS?
NOW I'M NOT?
FKN HURT AND DISAPPOINTED.... SURE.
BUT DID I DO ANYTHING TO THEM AFTER THAT?
NOTHING TO THEM?
BECAUSE THEY MATTERED?
TO ME?
THEY REFUSED TO GIVE ME EVEN THEIR TIME....
BUT FREELY GAVE IT TO EVERYONE ELSE.
DID I EVEN GET TO COME LAST? NO?
NO! THEY PUT THEMSELVES LAST.
SO I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO BE LAST.
AND THEY WANT ME TO KEEP PUTTING THEM FIRST.
RIGHT?
HOW MUCH MORE WAS I SUPPOSED TO TAKE...
BEFORE....
I STOPPED TRYING TO TELL THEM
THAT THEIR CRAP WAS P*SSING ME OFF?
WHEN THEY ASSUMED I COULDN'T SURVIVE
WITHOUT THEM...
I WAS!
STOPPED EXPECTING ANYTHING FROM THEM!
RIGHT?
THEY THOUGHT THAT I KEPT GIVING CHANCES
BECAUSE I "NEEDED" THEM.
THAT I WAS DOING XYZ.... BECAUSE I "NEEDED" THEM.
LIVING WITHOUT THEM.
LIKE THEY HAVE BEEN LIVING WITHOUT ME.
RIGHT?
REGRETTING LOSING SOMETHING
DOESN'T MEAN THAT THEY'LL TREAT IT ANY BETTER
THAN THEY DID BEFORE.
AND THEY ONLY REGRET IT
WHEN EVERYONE ELSE DISAPPOINTED THEM.
THE PEOPLE THEY WERE HELPING....
"DISAPPEAR" WHEN YOU NEED HELP.
LOSING SOMEONE REAL....
DOES HURT.
BUT NOT USUALLY FOR THE REASONS IT SHOULD.
IT HURTS THE EGO.
I WAS SUPPOSED TO "UNDERSTAND"
"ADJUST"
"WAIT"
ETC....
"BE AVAILABLE"
WHILE?????
DID THEY UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT WAS LIKE FOR ME?
I TRIED TO BE POLITE!
I TRIED TO WISH HIM WELL!
RIGHT?
WHAT ELSE COULD I DO?????
OTHER THAN THAT?
EXPLAIN MY SIDE AGAIN????
AND IF I DID????
WHAT WOULD CHANGE????
ANYTHING?????
DID ANYTHING CHANGE???
AS OF NOW???
NO?
HMMM.
SO THEN? WAS THERE ANYTHING I COULD HAVE SAID?
OR DONE?
IF NOTHING MATTERED?
IF I DIDN'T?
THERE WAS NOTHING!
I COULD HAVE SAID!
OR DONE!
TO BE TREATED THE WAY THEY TREATED
EVERYONE
THEY HAD THE TIME FOR....
RIGHT?
DO I SOMETIMES STILL WISH
THAT THINGS HAD GONE BETTER?
YEAH?
BUT THEY DIDN'T.
I'M OKAY WITH THAT.
BUT I DON'T WANT ANY OLD DYNAMICS.
ESPECIALLY ONES I NEVER AGREED TO.