To Their Ex

I've been compared to their EX. Many times.
I hate that sh*t.

1) I AM NOT YOUR EX
2) I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR EX
3) I'M EITHER YOUR NEXT OR NOTHING
4) BUT I'M NOT YOUR EX

Compared me to their EX and wanted MULTIPLE CHOICE
AND DIDN'T WANT TO CHOOSE.

BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO "MAKE A MISTAKE."
BUT.... ARE WILLING TO "SABOTAGE"
BY.... COMPARING ME.... TO..... THEIR.... EX.

SOME FKD UP LOYALTY TO THEIR EX....
IF THEY KEEP GOING BACK.

BOTH IN INDECISION....

1) CAN'T DECIDE WHO THEY WANT TO BE WITH
2) CAN'T LEAVE THE EX

AND WHEN I WALK AWAY AND SAY: "I'M COOL WITHOUT THIS SH*T."

1) THEY DO NOT HAVE A CLAIM ON ME
2) THEIR EX HAS NO CLAIM ON THEM

"WHAT ARE THEY FORCED TO LIVE WITH NOW THAT YOU ARE GONE?"
THE PATTERNS THAT KEEP THEM STUCK TO THEIR EX.

WHY SHOULD I WANT CRUMBS FROM SOMEONE
WHO ISN'T DONE WITH THEIR PAST?

"THEY GO BACK TO EACH OTHER."
"WE SHOULD HAVE STAYED TOGETHER." 

BECAUSE THEY DON'T ELEVATE.
BECAUSE THEY CAN'T.

SO THEY GO BACK.... TO EACH OTHER.

MIRROR SMASHER DID THAT SH*T.
12-YEAR-DISCARD DID THAT SH*T.

AND 12-YD.... WANTED TO SEE WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE
WITHOUT ME.

HE FOUND OUT.
NOT MY PROBLEM, THOUGH.

DUDES WHO PLAY GAMES.....
DON'T FKN KNOW HOW NOT TO......

OR THEY WOULDN'T FKN PLAY GAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE REAL......
OR THEY WOULD BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND TO READ MY POSTS TO "FIND OUT"
SOMETHING ABOUT ME.....

LIKE: IF I'M DATING AGAIN.....

WHAT IF I WAS? WHAT???????!!!!!!!!

WHAT WOULD THEY DO?

THE TIMES I HEARD FROM MY EX.....
WAS WHEN HE KNEW I WAS DATING AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND HE WAS "NICE" TO ME WHEN I WAS DATING!!!!!!!!!
BUT WHEN I WASN'T?
HE'D BE HIS REGULAR D*CK SELF.

WOULDN'T HEAR FROM HIM.
HE LEFT ME ALONE WHEN I WAS ALONE.

BUT WHEN I WAS DATING???? LOL.

12-YD.... THE REAL REASON....
HE WANTED TO "RECONNECT"

WAS TO "PLAY IN MY FACE" AGAIN.
OR TRY TO.

THAT'S WHAT HE DID..... RIGHT?
HE WANTED TO DO THAT SH*T AGAIN.

THAT'S WHAT MIRROR SMASHER DID TOO!!!!!!!!!
WANTED TO "PLAY IN MY FACE."

DON'T WANT TO TAKE YOUR CHANCES SERIOUSLY?
THEN...... YOU..... DON'T...... GET...... ANY..... MORE.

NOT FROM ME.

"IF THEY HADN'T LET FEAR AND PRIDE MAKE THEIR DECISIONS."

WELP, THAT'S WHAT THEY WANTED TO DO.
IF THEY WANTED TO TAKE THE FIRST CHANCE SERIOUSLY.....
THE 100TH CHANCE.... WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN....
THE 100TH FKN CHANCE.

NO MORE OF THAT SH*T.

FENCE SITTERS CAN GO FK THEMSELVES.

MISTAKE: ASSUMING I'D BE AVAILABLE
WHEN THEY WERE EVENTUALLY READY.

MISTAKE: ASSUMING UNLIMITED CHANCES.

MISTAKE: ASSUMING I WOULDN'T MOVE ON WITH MY OWN LIFE.

MISTAKE: COMPARING ME TO AN EX.

WOULD THEY WANT ME TO COMPARE THEM TO MY EX?
NO? WHY WOULDN'T THEY WANT ME TO DO THAT?????!!!!!

BECAUSE: THEY AREN'T MY EX?
BECAUSE: MY EX IS IN MY PAST?
BECAUSE: I COULD GIVE THE NEW A CHANCE?

"THEY THOUGHT SOMETHING SAFER AND EASIER WOULD APPEAR."

"WHAT THEY WERE SEARCHING FOR ELSEWHERE DIDN'T GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANTED OR EXPECTED."

MY PROBLEM? NO? IT ISN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!

"EMOTIONAL SLEEPWALKING."

WHEN YOU "WITHHOLD" AFFECTION.....
THE OTHER PERSON STOPS WAITING FOR IT.

SHOULD I HAVE WAITED 12 FKN YEARS?
FOR FKN AFFECTION?
FOR EFFORT?
TO BE MET HALFWAY?

"SHE'LL KEEP GIVING TO ME NO MATTER HOW LITTLE I GIVE BACK."

WAS IT BALANCED? NO? 
WAS IT FAIR TO ME? NO?

"SOMETIMES PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND GENEROSITY
UNTIL IT STOPS."

THEY DON'T SEE WHAT YOU WERE DOING.....
UNTIL YOU ARE NOT DOING IT.

A***'S NOT MAKING IT EASY FOR ME ANYMORE!
A***'S NOT OVERCOMPENSATING FOR MY BS ANYMORE!
A***'S NOT WAITING FOR MY AFFECTION ANYMORE!
A***'S NOT TELLING ME WTF I'M DOING WRONG ANYMORE!

THAT'S RIGHT! I NEVER FKN HAD TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DIDN'T!

I'M NOT REQUIRED TO "CHASE" SOMEONE FOR FKN ANYTHING.
NOT EVEN FOR THEM TO "RECOGNIZE REGRET"
OR TO "SEE" ANYTHING ABOUT ME.....
OR WHATEVER THEY ASSUMED ABOUT ME....
OR THAT THEY ASSUMED SH*T...... ABOUT ME.....
THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO FKN ASSUME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOULD THEY WANT ME TO ASSUME THOSE THINGS??????
ABOUT THEM??????? HMMM?????

'THERE'LL ALWAYS BE ANOTHER CHANCE"
UNTIL WHEN?

UNTIL THERE ISN'T?
UNTIL YOUR CHANCES RUN DRY?
ALONG WITH YOUR LUCK?

MAYBE THEY WERE LUCKY......
THAT I WAS MAKING THE EFFORT THAT I MADE!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT I WAS EVEN FKN INTERESTED AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT I CARED AT ALL!!!!!!!!!
THAT I SAW WHAT I SAW IN THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT I GAVE WHAT I GAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!
MY TIME! MY EFFORT! 
+++++++++++!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEY USED AN EXCUSE TO FK OFF.....
AND TRIED TO GIVE AN EXCUSE TO TRY TO "COME BACK"?????? 

DID I EVER WANT FKN EXCUSES?????????

MIRROR SMASHER TOLD ME ABOUT THE MIRROR
WHEN HE "FINALLY CAME TO GET HIS STUFF"
7 FKN MONTHS LATER!!!!!!!!!!!!

TOOK 7 MONTHS TO GROW SOME BALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SOME REAL ONES.

NOT THOSE FAKE BALLS IT TOOK TO SMASH MY MIRROR
AND PLAY IN MY FACE.

IF HE HAD REAL BALLS....
HE'D HAVE THE BALLS NOT TO DO THAT SH*T.

"IF SOMEONE DELAYS COMMITMENT....
THE OPPORTUNITY FKS OFF."

CAN'T EXPECT ME TO "FORGET."
ALL THE BS THAT WAS VERY MUCH BS!

I'M NOT THE "SAME" PERSON..... THEY "USED TO KNOW."
I'M NOT WILLING TO IGNORE THE BS.

SOMEONE'S POTENTIAL IS NOT THE SAME
AS HOW TF THEY CHOOSE TO BE.

SHOULD I HAVE TO CONSTANTLY PROVE
WHY I DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH CARE?
AND CONSIDERATION?

AND HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO PROVE THAT?
WHEN I WASN'T EVEN "WORTH" THAT?
TO THEM?

I'M GLAD I TOOK MY FRIEND TO THE SHOW!
INSTEAD OF HIM!

BECAUSE HE DID NOT DESERVE TO FKN GO!
WITH ME!

DON'T REWARD BS! 

AM I RESPONSIBLE FOR SHOWING SOMEONE
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REGRET....
AND REDEMPTION?

WHY AM I "IMPORTANT" WHEN THEY HAVE NO ACCESS TO ME?
WHY NOT WHEN THEY FKN DID????????!!!!

BECAUSE: THEY DID NOT SEE THE VALUE.....
OF..... HAVING..... ACCESS..... TO ME.

"LOVE" ISN'T FKN ENDLESS TOLERANCE OF BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IT ISN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AM I SUPPOSED TO WANT TO "TRY AGAIN" REPEATEDLY?
FOREVER?

FK NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"RECOGNIZE WHAT YOU SHOULDN'T COMPROMISE."

BUT IS IT UP TO ME TO "MAKE" ANYONE RECOGNIZE ANYTHING?
NO? NO!!!!!!!!!! IT'S NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF THEY CAN'T..... THEY CAN'T.

MY VALUE WASN'T CREATED BY THEIR RECOGNITION OF IT.
IT WAS THERE THE WHOLE TIME.

WHETHER THEY "SAW" ANYTHING, OR NOT.

WHY DO THEY WANT TO "REPAIR" THINGS WHEN THEY "MISS" ME?
AFTER I WALK TF AWAY?

DID IT HAVE TO TAKE FOR THEM TO MISS ME?
TO WANT TO "REPAIR" SOMETHING THEY FKD UP?

AND WANTING TO "REPAIR" SOMETHING.....
THEY NEVER MADE THE EFFORT TO.....
ISN'T THE SAME AS....... DOING IT.

"SHOULDN'T HAVE PLAYED WITH A***."
FKN RIGHT YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE....
BUT????? YOU DID!!!!!!!!!!!! 
DID THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!

AND???? A*** DIDN'T APPRECIATE THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!

WOULD THEY?

BUT SURE.... BELIEVE LIES ABOUT ME....
JUST SO YOU CAN TALK ABOUT ME....
BECAUSE WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO TALK ABOUT?

THINGS YOU KNOW ABOUT ME?

YOU CAN'T!
IF YOU KNOW FK ALL ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RIGHT?

BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T KNOW ME.....
WHAT'S GOING TO BE TRUE ABOUT ME?????
ANYTHING YOU ASSUME?

NO? HMMM.

BUT KEEP LOOKING AT ME
THE WAY SOMEONE ELSE WANTS YOU TO, THOUGH.

KEEP.... DOING..... THAT.
THEN? SEE WHAT HAPPENS!

SEE! YOU WILL!

AND WHEN YOU DO......
NOT MY PROBLEM!

BECAUSE WHEN YOU SEE THAT YOU DID IT
BECAUSE:

1) SOMEONE ELSE WANTED YOU TO
2) YOU WANTED IT TO BE EASIER
3) DIDN'T WANT ME

So then? I'm supposed to BEG THEM TO WANT ME?????
FK NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FK!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE: EITHER THEY DO....
OR THEY DON'T.

AND IF THEY DON'T....
BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE WANTED THEM TO SABOTAGE IT.....
SABOTAGE EVERYTHING WITH ME....
TO "HAVE THEM TO THEMSELVES"
OR WHATEVER.....

AND THEY CAN'T SEE THAT.....
THAT THEY ARE BEING RUTHLESS
AND SELFISH.....

TO ME.....

BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE WANTS THEM TO BE.....

AND NOT CONSIDER.....
WHAT THAT WOULD BE LIKE.....
FOR ME....

AND NOT REALIZING THAT BECAUSE I ENDURED THAT SH*T.....
I DON'T FKN WANT TO AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT.... IF THEY LET..... SOMEONE..... MANIPULATED THEM.....
TO ACT AGAINST ME.... OR TURN ON ME.....

THEY ARE THE ONE ALLOWING THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHETHER IT'S A TOXIC EX THEY WANT TO "COMPARE" ME TO....
OR SOMEONE LYING TO THEM ABOUT ME....
THAT THEY WANTED TO "SUPPORT" OVER ME...

IF THEY DIDN'T REALIZE THEY GOT MANIPULATED ABOUT ME.....
THEY STILL ALLOWED THAT SH*T TO HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

ATE IT ALL UP! 
WAS IT TASTY?
HOW DID IT TASTE?
LEFT A BAD TASTE IN MY MOUTH.....

EVEN 12 YEARS LATER!!!!!!!!!! HMMM.

AND IF YOU APPROACH ME IN THE WRONG FKN WAY.....
WRONG.... FKN..... WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OLD KEYS DON'T OPEN NEW DOORS!

PERSON CHANGED? NEW DOOR!

I CHANGED BECAUSE??????? WHY?????

DO THEY REALIZE THAT?

THAT I TRUSTED THEM?
NOT TO EAT UP THE BS?
AND SWITCH UP ON ME BECAUSE OF IT?

"I CAN COUNT ON A***."
YES....

BUT CAN I COUNT ON YOU?
NOT TO EAT UP THE BS?
AND RUN WITH IT?

BECAUSE THAT SHOULD BE A BASIC THING.
AT LEAST I THOUGHT IT WAS.

"WHY WOULD THEY LIE TO ME?"
WHY INDEED!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY????? HMMM?

A*** DID THIS AND THAT TO ME!!!!!
DID I?

DID ANYONE FKN ASK ME?

BECAUSE THEY'D RATHER BELIEVE THE LIE....
THAN FKN ASK ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GO AHEAD AND THINK XYZ!!!!!!!!! ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!!!!
IF YOU WANT TO THINK BS IS ACTUALLY TRUE....... DO IT.

BUT.... WHY WERE THEY DOING IT?
BECAUSE THEY WANTED YOU TO "HATE" ME
AS MUCH AS THEY DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT'S WHY!!!!!!!!!!!

"IF HE HATES A***, HE'LL LEAVE HER ALONE!
AND COME MY WAY INSTEAD!"

OKAY..... AND IF.... YOU WANT..... TO DO THAT..... DO THAT.

BUT..... FOR DOING THAT...... YOU GET..... WHAT.... YOU GET.

"A***, YOUR FAULT FOR THEM LYING ABOUT YOU!
YOUR FAULT I BELIEVED THAT!
YOUR FAULT FOR FKN EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

NOPE,
WASN'T. 
WAS..... YOURS.
NOT MINE.

IF YOU LET YOURSELF......
BE INFLUENCED BY LIARS......

YOU ARE LETTING YOURSELF.....
BE.... INFLUENCED.....
BY.... LIARS.

BECAUSE IT IS ONE THING TO MISJUDGE ME,,,,,
BUT IT'S ANOTHER THING......
TO EAT UP BS..... THINKING THEY KNOW ME.....
WHEN THEY NEVER FKN DID,

THOUGHT THEY DID, BUT THEY DIDN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE PART THAT ACTUALLY "HURTS" IF ANYTHING....
THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO KNOW ME.
AND I THOUGHT THEY DID!
THEY DIDN'T!
THEN? "LET'S BETRAY A***!"

EVERYONE ELSE DID THAT SH*T....
SO WHY NOT DO THAT SH*T TOO?

THEY BETRAYED THEMSELVES.
FOR BETRAYING ME.

SOMEONE WHO WOULDN'T DO THAT SH*T.

BECAUSE: IF YOU HEAR SOMETHING.....

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CONSIDER.....
WHY SOMEONE'S TELLING YOU SOMETHING.

BECAUSE WHEN YOU KNOW WHY......
YOU KNOW OTHER THINGS,
ABOUT WHAT THEY ARE TELLING YOU. 

"THEY WERE LAZY. THEY WENT WHERE THEY THOUGHT THE VALUE WAS."
BECAUSE: I WAS GOING THROUGH A HARD TIME?

AND WHEN THEY WERE GOING THROUGH A HARD TIME?
THEY WANT ME TO FKN BE THERE!!!!!!!!!! FOR THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"ALL THESE CRUMBS? I'M DOING HER A FAVOR."
WHILE I BROUGHT THE FKN DINNER FOR THEM.

BUT IF IT "LOOKS BETTER" SOMEWHERE ELSE.....
BECAUSE: "A***'S GOING THROUGH IT."

WHY AM I GOING THROUGH IT?
BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE PLAYING GAMES?

MAYBE I DO MUCH BETTER!!!!!!!!!!! WHEN THEY AREN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHEN I DON'T HAVE TO FKN DEAL WITH FKTARDS!
FKTARDS WHO DO THAT SH*T!

HMMM!

"LIAR, YOU'RE SO MUCH BETTER THAN A***!"

PRETTY LITTLE LIES....
PRETTY LITTLE.... LIARS.

RIGHT?

WELP, THE TRUTH ISN'T SO.... "PRETTY"
BECAUSE IT'S NOT SUGAR ON BS.

GUESS WHAT?
IF SOMEONE DOES NOT WANT TO SEE YOU HAPPY....
THEY CAN LIE!

IF SOMEONE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE YOU "WIN"
THEY CAN LIE!

IF SOMEONE IS BEING SELFISH.....
THEY CAN LIE!

FOR OTHER REASONS TOO!

BUT..... IF THEY WANTED.... THAT.....
THAT.... IS.... WHAT.... THEY.... CAN HAVE.

NOT MY PROBLEM!

BUT WHEN I CALL THAT SH*T OUT....
FOR WHAT IT IS....
SUPPOSEDLY I'M THE XYZ....!!!! RIGHT?

LOSING SOMEONE THEY COULD HAVE COUNTED ON....
VS....
COMPARING THAT PERSON..... TO SOMEONE WHO WANTED THEM.....
TO.... SABOTAGE IT....
TO.... LOSE ACCESS TO IT.

AND TO COME RUNNING BACK!!!!!!!!!!
HMMM!

AND IF I DIDN'T LIVE THROUGH THIS SH*T.....
COULD I EXPLAIN IT TO YOU?
NO?

BECAUSE I WOULDN'T SEE IT.
I WOULDN'T KNOW IT.

PEOPLE CAN BE AFFECTED BY THINGS THEY CAN'T SEE
OR WHAT THEY DON'T "KNOW."

"HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THEY WANTED ME TO SABOTAGE IT?"

HOW????? COULD HAVE LISTENED TO ME....

BUT.... WHEN THEY SABOTAGE IT THEMSELVES?
WITHOUT ANYONE'S "HELP"?

THEN? NOT MY PROBLEM.

BUT SOMEONE ELSE CAN ONLY "MAKE" YOU SABOTAGE IT....
IF YOU LET THEM!!!!!!!!!!!! 

If you can't SEE that they are doing it and WHY they are doing it....
EASIER TO JUST LET THEM DO IT! RIGHT?

SO WOULDN'T YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?

AND IF THEY HAVE A FKD UP REASON FOR DOING IT.....
THEY'LL LIE ABOUT THAT TOO!

THAT'S WHY..... YOU.... HAVE TO.... SEE.... PAST.... THAT.

AND IF YOU CAN'T.... YOU WON'T!

AND? NOT MY PROBLEM.

BUT I'M "TOXIC" BECAUSE SOMEONE CAN'T SEE XYZ. OKAY.

IF THEYCAN'T, THEY CAN'T!
IF THEY CAN'T BE FKN HONEST WITH THEMSELVES....
WOULD THEY BE HONEST WITH ME?

I ACCEPT THE DISTANCE PEOPLE CREATE WITH ME.

IF THEY CREATED DISTANCE.... IT WAS FOR A REASON.
SO THEN? I'M "TOXIC" FOR ACCEPTING THAT?

IF THEY AREN'T "READY" TO ACCEPT ANYTHING
LIKE FKN ACCOUNTABILITY.....

THEY WOULDN'T BE "READY" TO "MOVE FORWARD."

DO I NEED ANYONE WHO ISN'T READY?
NO? I DON'T? I DON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT BLAME ME FOR NOT BEING READY, TOO.
BLAME ME FOR FKN EVERYTHING.

FOR NOT BEING FKN SERIOUS.
FOR NOT BEING REAL.

WAS I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE WE WERE GOING TO "MOVE FORWARD"
OR WANT TO?
AFTER 12 FKN YEARS???????? WTF??????

12 YEARS OF WHAT??????? SILENCE? NOTHING?

NOT EVEN "HOW ARE YOU?"

BUT WHY WOULD THEY "CARE" HOW I AM?
IT WAS EASY TO FKN DISCARD ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO WHY WOULD THEY "CARE" HOW I AM?

GHOSTED.... "LEFT FOR DEAD."

GOTTA HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO? FK THAT.

AND WHEN YOU CAN HAVE THAT INSTEAD OF ME....
GO FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DO IT!!!!!!!!!!

CAN'T FKN PERSUADE ME AFTER 12 FKN YEARS....
OF FKN SILENCE....

TO WANT TO "RECONNECT."

WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FKN PINING AWAY FOR 12 YEARS??????!!!!!!

HOW ARROGANT WOULD THEY HAVE TO BE TO ASSUME THAT??????!!!!!

I DATED AFTER HE DISCARDED ME! WHY?
BECAUSE: I MOVED ON!

THAT'S WHY.

AND NOT WANTING TO..... COULD BE.... BECAUSE......
I ALREADY SAW THAT SH*T....
DIDN'T APPRECIATE BEING UNAPPRECIATED.....
TAKEN FOR GRANTED....
TREATED LIKE CRAP.....
OVER BS....

BECAUSE SOME JEALOUS HOE
DIDN'T WANT THEM TO "SEE" MY VALUE.

"IF HE CAN'T SEE HER VALUE.... HE WON'T SEE IT.
AND I CAN USE THAT TO MY ADVANTAGE."

THEY FKN WILL!!!!!!!!!
IF THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!
IF THEY HAVE A REASON TO DO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT IF YOU KNOW THEY DO.....
BECAUSE YOU CAN SEE WHAT THE REASON IS.....

THEY BLOCK ME SO I CAN'T BLOCK THEM! LOL!

ALL THE CHANCES I GAVE MIRROR SMASHER....
HE DIDN'T NEED TO GET FROM ME.
HE COULD HAVE GOT WHATEVER TF HE WANTED FROM ME
FROM SOMEONE ELSE.

IF I WAS ONLY GOOD FOR XYZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND WHEN I SHUT HIM DOWN?
HOW DID HE ACT? HOW?

BECAUSE WHY SHOULD ANYONE
WHO ALREADY HAD CHANCES WITH ME.....

GET ANYTHING ELSE FROM ME?

WHY?

IF THEY WANTED TO FK ME AROUND.
AND FK THEMSELVES OVER...
WHEN IT CAME TO ME....

THEY WANTED TO DO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RIGHT?

THE COMMENT ABOUT LOOKING IN THE MIRROR ETC...
AS THOUGH I FKN CARE ABOUT WHAT I LOOK LIKE?

DO I HAVE TO FKN LOOK ANY TYPE OF WAY?
FOR ANYONE'S "VALIDATION"?

DO I HAVE TO "LOOK IN A MIRROR"
TO VALIDATE MYSELF? NO?

SO WHY TF WOULD I DO THAT SH*T?
JUST BECAUSE "OTHER GIRLS" DO THAT SH*T?

A***'S A FEMALE. SHE "MUST" DO WHAT "OTHER FEMALES" DO.

DO ALL DUDES HAVE TO DO WHAT OTHER DUDES DO?

DO ALL DUDES NEED TO BE FKTARDS?
JUST BECAUSE OTHER DUDES ARE FKTARDS?
TOWARDS WOMEN?

DO THEY NEED TO BE?

OR? COULD THEY.... CHOOSE....
NOT TO BE.... A FKTARD?

SO THEN..... SOME FEMALES.... AREN'T.... "TYPICAL"?
WHO DON'T WANT TO BE XYZ OR DO XYZ?

BEING FEMALE DOESN'T AUTOMATICALLY MEAN XYZ!!!!!!!!!!!!! FFS!

IT WOULD BE COOL IF THAT WAS KNOWN AND REALIZED!

SO THEY AREN'T BEING TREATED LIKE XYZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE WE DON'T FKN DESERVE THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IF THE ROLES WERE REVERSED?

IF WOMEN TREATED MEN THE WAY MEN TREAT WOMEN????!!!!
IN THE COUNTRIES WHERE WOMEN HAVE NO "RIGHTS"?

IF MEN HAD NO "RIGHTS"? 
THEN WHAT?
WHAT WOULD THAT "LOOK LIKE"
WOULD THAT BE "FAIR"?
HONESTLY?

IF NOT.....
IT'S NOT FKN FAIR TO US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IT ISN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND???? NEVER WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND IF YOU WAIT 12 YEARS.....
AFTER DOING FKD UP SH*T TO SOMEONE.....
TO "COMMUNICATE" WITH THEM.....
BUT NOT IN THE WAY THEY DESERVE.....
AFTER 12 FKN YEARS.....

DISREGARDING AND DISCARDING THEM.....

THEY DID THAT! NOT ME!

THEY PUT THEMSELVES IN THAT FOR DOING THAT.
TO ME.

AND I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR REOPENING A DOOR
THEY SLAMMED IN THEIR FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'M ALLOWED TO LOCK IT!
AND "STAY HOME"
AND "LIVE MY LIFE"
WITHOUT THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEY WANTED TO SLAM THE DOOR, RIGHT?

SO THEN? WHY FKN KNOCK AFTER SLAMMING IT?
RIGHT OFF ITS FKN HINGES?

JUST TO SEE IF I WOULD OPEN IT?
I CAN TALK THROUGH THE DOOR....
BUT I DON'T NEED TO FKN REOPEN IT.

THAT DOOR GETS TO STAY SHUT, LOCKED.
ACCESS DENIED AND REVOKED. OKAY?

BECAUSE: ON PRINCIPLE.....
IF I DID THAT SH*T.....
WOULD THEY EVER FKN TALK TO ME AGAIN?
THEY DON'T FKN HAVE TO TALK TO ME!
PROBABLY WOULDN'T WANT TO! 

RIGHT?

BEING DRAGGED THROUGH THE MUD.....
DOESN'T MAKE ME WANT TO FKN "TRY AGAIN."

CONTRARY TO "POPULAR BELIEF."

WOULD IT MAKE THEM WANT TO "TRY AGAIN"? NO?

"THEY CHOSE TO DO IT THE HARD WAY." OKAY.

IF THEY ARE DISGUSTED WITH HOW THEY TREATED ME....
THAT IS ONE THING....

BUT? NOT MY PROBLEM.

BUT DO THEY WANT TO BE 80 YEARS OLD AND WONDER WHY
THEY DID XYZ TO ME?
AND WHAT THINGS MIGHT HAVE BEEN LIKE?
IF THEY HADN'T?

IF THEY DO... THEY CAN GO FOR IT.

BECAUSE I CAN BE 80 ONE DAY AND BE HAPPY!!!!!!!
THAT I DIDN'T SETTLE FOR BS I DIDN'T DESERVE!!!!!!!!!

FOR SOMEONE WHO THOUGHT I HAD NO FKN VALUE!!!!!!!!!!!
WASN'T "WORTH" IT, RIGHT?

BECAUSE? I REQUIRED THEM TO LEVEL UP?

"THEY GOT LAZY AND EXPECTED YOU TO DO IT ALL."
LIKE MOST RELATIONSHIPS I'VE EVER FKN BEEN IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY SHOULD I FKN COMPROMISE AND COMPENSATE?
FOR FKN BS?

SHOULD I? OR?
SHOULD I EVEN WANT TO? NO?

IF THEY HAVE TO FIND OUT THAT IT SUCKS WITHOUT ME....
THEY HAVE TO FIND OUT.

NOT THAT I'M "THE BEST THING EVER"
I HAVE VALUE BECAUSE I HAVE VALUES.

AND IF THEY HAVE TO LOSE ME TO KNOW THEY COULD HAVE
FKN DONE BETTER! GROWN UP! LEVELED UP!
WOKEN UP!

TO ALL THE THINGS I WISH THEY SAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BUT COULDN'T.... OR WOULDN'T.

IF THEY DID.... THINGS.... COULD HAVE.... BEEN.....
DIFFERENT.... THAN.... HOW IT TURNED OUT.

BECAUSE OF WHAT THEY CHOSE.

IF THINGS DON'T GET "BETTER" WITHOUT ME....
I WASN'T THE FKN "PROBLEM."

MAYBE HOW THEY CHOSE TO TREAT ME LIKE SH*T....
WAS THE PROBLEM.

AND THAT I OBVIOUSLY AND FOR OBVIOUS REASONS....
DID NOT.... FKN.... APPRECIATE IT.

IF SOMEONE WANTS YOU TO SABOTAGE SOMETHING....
AND KNOWS YOU HAVE FEARS AND DOUBTS...

WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY'LL TRY TO USE?
AGAINST YOU?
TO MAKE YOU SABOTAGE?

"HE'S SCARED SHE ISN'T FOR REAL?! LET ME USE THAT.
TO MAKE HIM THINK SHE'S NOT!"

"HE'S SCARED SHE'D CHEAT ON HIM?! LET ME USE THAT.
TO MAKE HIM THINK SHE'S A HOE."

GET THE POINT?

AND NOBODY CAN MAKE YOU THINK THINGS....
YOU DON'T LET YOURSELF THINK.

WHY WOULD YOU LET YOURSELF THINK SOMETHING
SOMEONE ELSE WANTED YOU TO THINK
SO YOU WOULDN'T DO XYZ?

"I WAS TOLD A*** IS AN XYZ.... WHY WOULD THEY LIE TO ME?"
"I WAS TOLD A*** WOULD DO XYZ..... WHY WOULD THEY LIE TO ME?"

WELL????? WHY? DO YOU KNOW YET?
OR DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THAT AGAIN?

BUT? "WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"
IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHY.....
I DON'T HAVE TO WASTE MY TIME TELLING YOU ANYTHING!

BECAUSE: I KNOW.... IT WOULD BE.... A WASTE.... OF MY TIME!!!!!!!!

AND? I DON'T FKN LIKE.... MY TIME.... WASTED....
BECAUSE: I CAN'T GET IT BACK!

SO? MY TIME IS..... FOR ME.
NOT FOR FKTARDS TO WASTE.

BECAUSE: THAT IS FAIR TO ME.
NOT TO WASTE MY TIME.
NOT TO LET SOMEONE WHO ALREADY FKD ME AROUND....
TO FK ME AROUND SOME MORE!

THAT'S WHY!

AND TO EXPLAIN THAT.... BUGS ME....
BUT IF I DON'T?
WILL ANYONE "GET IT"? NO?
MAYBE ON THEIR OWN.... ONE DAY.... BUT....

12 YEARS LATER.... "I FEEL LONELY. BETTER TRY TO HIT A*** UP!"
BECAUSE: A*** WAS ALWAYS THERE!
RIGHT?

UNTIL WHEN????? UNTIL: A*** STOPPED WANTING TO BE THERE.....
BECAUSE OF???? BS!!!!!!!!!!

"I'LL COME BACK WHEN I MISS THE COMFORT I GOT FROM HER."
"SHE'LL KEEP BEING AN OPTION BECAUSE SHE'S BEEN PATIENT."
"SHE CARES, SO SHE'LL TOLERATE MY CRAP."

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DO NOT FKN ASSUME ANYTHING ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LIKE WHAT BEING PATIENT ACTUALLY MEANS!
WHAT CARING MEANT!

LIKE I WASN'T GOING TO FOCUS ON MY OWN LIFE OR SOMETHING!

"EMOTIONAL DISTANCE CHANGES THE DYNAMIC."

I WASN'T A "BACKUP PLAN"
JUST BECAUSE I WAS BEING TREATED LIKE ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEY THOUGHT THEY HAD TIME TO "REVISIT" IT!
LIKE THE DOOR WOULD ALWAYS BE OPEN!!!!!!!!!!

OPPORTUNITIES WON'T WAIT FOR YOU!
SHOULD THEY WAIT FOR YOU?
FOR 12 FKN YEARS????????? WTF IS THAT SH*T???????????

IF YOU LIVE WITHOUT SOMETHING I WAS GIVING
AND WILLING TO GIVE.... TO GIVE THAT....

TO FIND OUT WHAT IT IS LIKE WITHOUT IT....
YOU CAN DO THAT!

BUT.... IF YOU SEE THE VALUE OF IT.....
AFTER..... I'M GONE....

BECAUSE YOU CREATED THE DISTANCE....
WITH YOUR OWN CHOICES....

MISSING THE ATTENTION I GAVE
VS
SEEING WHAT THEY ACTUALLY HAD ACCESS TO
WHEN THEY HAD ACCESS TO ME....

BUT "I HAVE OPTIONS." OKAY THEN. ENJOY THOSE "OPTIONS."
AND IF..... NONE OF THAT SH*T WORKS OUT FOR YOU......

WHY FKN TRY.... TO COME BACK?

"WANTED THE COMFORT OF HAVING ME THERE....
WITHOUT MAKING ANY EFFORT."

THEIR "INABILITY" TO "CHOOSE"
OR.... TREAT ME.... LIKE MY FEELINGS MATTERED...
NOT SOMEONE TO TRY TO "REVISIT"
12 FKN YEARS LATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KINDNESS DOES NOT MEAN: A*** WILL ALWAYS BE THERE!!!!!!!!!
WAITING AND "PINING" OR WHATEVER TF ELSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"MY BACKUP PLAN WILL BE WAITING FOR ME."
EVEN 12 YEARS LATER??????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF??????????

THEY JUST WANTED TO HAVE ACCESS AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND I DON'T FKN OWE IT TO THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHOULD I HAVE TO SQUEEZE MYSELF INTO WHATEVER SPACE
IS LEFT OVER?

FK NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FK THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DO THEY DESERVE ACCESS? OR NOT?
JUST THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AFTER WAITING 12 YEARS???????? WTF??????!!!!!
AFTER THE BS 12 YEARS AGO?????

I CAN MISS SOMEONE AND NEED MORE THAN "MEMORIES."
ESPECIALLY SH*TTY ONES.

MISS HOW I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE....
NOT HOW IT TURNED OUT TO BE.

MISS WHO I THOUGHT THEY WERE....
THEY WEREN'T!

WERE THEY SOMEONE WHO WOULDN'T TREAT ME LIKE THAT?
OR DID THEY DO THAT?

AND? DID THEY CHOOSE TO DO THAT? YEAH?

THEN? ISN'T THAT ALL I NEED TO KNOW?
FOR ME TO ACCEPT "THAT DIDN'T TURN OUT THE WAY I THOUGHT."
AND ME TO JUST.... MOVE ON.

"I CAN RETURN WHENEVER I WANT!" 

CAN YOU????????????? 
WAS I WAITING FOR THEM TO "DECIDE" FOR 12 YEARS?
WHETHER I WAS "GOOD ENOUGH"
TO BE TREATED LIKE I MATTERED TO THEM?

OR WAS I LIVING MY LIFE JUST FINE WITHOUT BEING TREATED LIKE CRAP?
BY THEM? BECAUSE I ACCEPTED THE "DISCARD."

"BUT YOU WERE MY BACKUP PLAN! SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST!"
NO..... YOUR TIME.... WAS NOT UNLIMITED....
MY PATIENCE WAS NOT UNLIMITED....
HOW MUCH I CARED.... WAS NOT UNLIMITED!

"SOMEONE CAN REGRET LOSING YOU
BUT NOT BE ABLE TO BUILD WITH YOU."

WHY WOULD I BE WAITING FOR HIM TO REALIZE MY VALUE?
FOR HIM TO "RETURN" IF HE "WANTED" TO?

I AM NOT REQUIRED TO REGRANT ACCESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M NOT!!!!!!!!!!!
OR OBLIGATED TO DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND IF SOMEONE GETS MAD THAT I WON'T REGRANT IT.....
THEY CAN BE MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT DID THEY DO WHEN THEY HAD ACCESS? WHAT?
FKD ME AROUND.

SO THEN? THEY SHOULD GET THAT? AGAIN?
TO DO THE SAME SH*T THEY DID BEFORE?

BECAUSE THEY PROBABLY WILL!
DO THE SAME SH*T AS THEY DID BEFORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF I DIDN'T WANT THAT SH*T 12 YEARS AGO.....
WHY TF WOULD I WANT THAT NOW?

"C'MON A*** BE MY BACKUP PLAN!" FK YOU FOR THAT!

DO I NEED SOMEONE WHO NEEDS TO LOSE ME
TO REALIZE I WASN'T SOMEONE TO PUT ON A SHELF?
AT ALL?
BUT FOR 12 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????????????? WTF????????

I WAS FOOLISH TO TRUST HIM NOT TO DO THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I WANTED TO BE ABLE TO..... BUT I WASN'T! RIGHT?
BECAUSE IF I COULD HAVE.....
I COULD HAVE!

ALL THE PEOPLE I TRUSTED...... EVER.... NOT TO XYZ,,,,,,,
I FEEL FOOLISH FOR FKN TRUSTING THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DO!

BUT I LEARNED! RIGHT?

DID THEY? NO?

EVEN IF THEY DO......... NOT MY PROBLEM! 

There's A Difference

It's easy to assume things about me.
Someone might look at my "confidence" in "writing"

AND THINK XYZ ABOUT ME.

WHICH THEY WILL. I KNOW THIS.
I STARTED THIS BLOG KNOWING THIS.

That's part of the reason why.... 
I don't typically go around telling people I'm a blogger or whatever.

People who know me... Some might know, some might not.

But.... I'll tell you how I started "building confidence."

WHEN I LEARNED HOW TO KNIT.
BECAUSE NOT EVERYONE KNEW HOW.
I TOOK THE TIME TO LEARN AND PRACTICE.
THAT'S WHY I KNOW.
I WAS ALSO TAUGHT HOW.

That little bit of confidence turned into: "I actually like this."
Same with writing. 

Yes, it did bug me reading that comment on my photo.
SHOULD I NOT... JUST BE ALLOWED?

THE COMMENT WAS ABOUT EGO.
"ISN'T LOOKING IN THE MIRROR EVERY DAY ENOUGH
FOR YOUR EGO?"

MAYBE IT WOULD BE!
IF I DID THAT SH*T!

BUT LOOK AT A PIC AND THINK WHATEVER.
OR A POST AND THINK WHATEVER.

DOES IT MEAN THAT WHAT YOU THOUGHT WAS CORRECT?
ABOUT ME?
ABOUT WHATEVER YOU THOUGHT ABOUT ME?

JUST BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT XYZ?

I COULD THINK TRAVOLTA LIKES WEARING PURPLE SLIPPERS....
BUT DOES THAT MEAN THAT HE DOES?

OR THAT SOME OTHER CELEB SCRATCHES THEIR BUTT
WITH A FORK?

DO YOU GET THE POINT?

DO YOUR THOUGHTS NEED TO CONVINCE YOU
THAT WHAT YOU THINK IS ACTUALLY TRUE?

OR DO YOU THINK.... THAT MAYBE.... YOUR THOUGHTS.....
ARE JUST THOUGHTS.....
THAT I DON'T HAVE TO GAF ABOUT?

DO YOU HAVE TO GAF ABOUT MINE? NO?

THEN? DO I?

I WATCHED A VIDEO THE OTHER DAY....
SOME PEOPLE THREW A FKN DUMPSTER OFF A BRIDGE.
BARELY MISSED THE CAR. 

INSANITY.

IT HAPPENED IN FRANCE.

SOMEONE ASKED ME IF IT WAS THE INVADERS DOING IT...
I SAID THAT I DON'T KNOW.
BUT IT'S HORRENDOUS FROM ANYONE.

ANYWAY... I'm learning a new skill. Pretty excited about it, actually.

I'm making actual working things using php. 

I'd explain it, but... It's a bit to explain... 
And I'm building specific things for specific reasons.

People are QUICK TO JUDGE.
EVEN WHEN THEY DON'T KNOW.

THEY SEE CONFIDENCE I HAD TO BUILD
FROM GOING THROUGH THE SH*T I WAS FORCED TO.
AND THINK XYZ. DON'T KNOW WHY..... BUT THEY DO!

It bugs me....
BECAUSE SOME STILL TRY TO "BREAK" ME.

BECAUSE: THEY THOUGHT THEY COULD.

DOES IT SUCK? YEAH?

IF I TRIED TO DO THAT SH*T....
AND WANTED TO DO THAT SH*T......

THEN? COME AT ME FOR THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOT FOR SOMETHING I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO FKN DO!
LIKE: POST A PIC?

Coming at me for WHAT?
BECAUSE YOU'RE TRYING TO COMPARE YOURSELF?
TO 22+ YEARS OF WRITING CONSISTENTLY?
TO CODING?
TO OTHER THINGS I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO FKN DEFEND?

YES, I EXIST.
AM I ALLOWED TO?

AREN'T YOU?

ARE WE? BOTH? ALL?
OR WHAT?

AM I "ALLOWED" TO EXIST?
BECAUSE: APPARENTLY.....
I DON'T HAVE A RIGHT TO FKN FEEL ANYTHING
ABOUT ANYTHING, I GUESS.

I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO.
BUT SUPPOSEDLY, ACCORDING TO EVERYONE WHO THINKS XYZ....
I'M NOT! HMMM!

I'M ALLOWED TO FKN NOT WANT THAT BS.

WOULD THEY WANT THAT BS? FROM ME?

WOULD THE "PATRIARCHY"
WANT THE MATRIARCH TO ACT LIKE THAT? TO THEM?
NO?

PROBABLY NOT! RIGHT?

THEN? WHY? FKN ACT? LIKE? THAT??????? WHY?

There was a dude I used to chill with....
HE DIDN'T WANT ME TO BE WITH ANOTHER DUDE.
SO HE WANTED ME TO DROP THAT DUDE.

I KNOW THAT CRAP HAPPENS.
WHEN SOMEONE DOES NOT WANT TO SEE 2 PEOPLE TOGETHER...
THEY'LL DO AND SAY ALL KINDS OF SH*T
TO TRY TO "INFLUENCE" US TO DO WHAT
THEY WANT US TO DO.

HAPPENED A FEW TIMES. 

1) BECAUSE THEY KNEW I COULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY
2) THEY DIDN'T WANT ME TO BE HAPPY
3) THEY WANTED TO BE "CHOSEN" INSTEAD
4) THAT DOESN'T WORK

IT ONLY WORKS IF PEOPLE DO NOT SEE THAT.
WHY THEY ARE DOING THAT.

PEOPLE CAN HIDE JEALOUSY WELL.
BUT THEY ACT FROM IT.

When someone WANTS SOMEONE FOR THEMSELVES....
THEY'LL DO WHATEVER TO SABOTAGE IT.

ON BOTH SIDES SOMETIMES!

That's why communication is supposed to be important.
EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION.

And if someone WANTED TO KEEP THEM....
UNDER THEIR "CONTROL"
THEY'LL DO WHATEVER TO TRY TO STOP.....
SOMEONE FROM "MOVING FORWARD."

Especially if they are going to RISE UP.
IF THEY "LET THEM."

IF THEY KNOW IT WOULD BE SOMETHING GOOD....
THEY WOULDN'T WANT THAT.

SO THEY WANT TO STOP THAT.

ESPECIALLY AN EX.

TOXIC PEOPLE DO THAT SH*T.
THEY DON'T "LET" PEOPLE MOVE ON.

AND IF THE PERSON WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE "CONTROLLED"
GROWS INTO A PERSON NOBODY CAN DO THAT SH*T TO....

WHY WOULD THEY WANT THAT?

THEY'D LOSE "CONTROL."

THAT HAPPENS. A LOT.

IF SOMEONE WHO WAS A "SLAVE TO THEIR ENVIRONMENT"
WHOEVER TOOK ADVANTAGE OF THAT....

DON'T WANT THAT!

THEY WANT TO KEEP DOING THAT SH*T!
OF COURSE THEY DO!

AND IF I WOULD HAVE ENDED THAT.....
THEY DIDN'T WANT THAT.

SIMPLE.

BUT......... "WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

WELL THEN? FK OFF IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.

CAN ONLY POINT THINGS OUT
SO MANY TIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH!!!!!

ESPECIALLY IF THEY WANT THAT FKN ENVIRONMENT!

AND WHY WOULD THEY WANT ME THERE?
IF I WOULD HAVE SEEN IT?
I DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT WAS FKN FRUSTRATING!

NOT GOING TO "STAY STUCK" 
BECAUSE SOMEONE DIDN'T WANT TO DO SOMETHING
ABOUT THAT.

SUCKS TO BE IN THAT ENVIRONMENT....
WOULDN'T WANT TO BE IN THAT.

BUT IF THEY CHOOSE WHAT THEY KNOW.....
OVER A WAY TO CHANGE SOME THINGS AROUND....

OVER LEAVING CERTAIN THINGS BEHIND....
WHILE WANTING ME TO "CHASE."

BECAUSE IF I DID "CHASE."
THEY THINK THEY DON'T HAVE TO "CHANGE" ANYTHING.

ENVIRONMENT INCLUDED.
NOT JUST THEIR OWN BS.

ESPECIALLY IF THEIR ENVIRONMENT 
HAS SUCH A BS HOLD ON THEM.

PEOPLE WHO WANT TO CONTROL THEM.
AND USE THEM.

ALL THE EMPATHY IN THE WORLD.....
DOESN'T WORK TO CHANGE ANYONE
WHO CHOOSE FAKE OVER REAL.

I SAW IT. HE DOESN'T.
NOT ON ME TO REALIZE THAT SH*T.
FOR HIM. IT'S HIS.

MIRROR BREAKER. HIS.

BUT THERE ARE SITUATIONS LIKE THAT.
I SEE WHAT HE DIDN'T WANT TO SEE.

AND BECAME THE "ENEMY" FOR SEEING IT.

OH WELL. THEN? FKN HATE ME FOR SEEING IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHOULD I CARE?

THINK I NEVER HAD PEOPLE TRYING TO EMOTIONALLY
MANIPULATE ME?

I DID!
DID I WANT TO SEE THAT THEY WERE? NO?

BUT IF ANYONE CAME TO ME ABOUT ANY OF THAT.....
AND I TREATED THEM LIKE SH*T FOR IT....

THAT WOULD BE ON ME FOR DOING IT.

FOR THAT.

AND IF SOMEONE WANTS TO MANIPULATE YOU....
THEY WILL DO IT WITHOUT YOU KNOWING IT.

And..... HOW CAN YOU CLAIM YOU KNOW ME.....
WHEN YOU NEVER FKN DID????

SO THEN? ANYONE WHO CLAIMS THEY DO....
DO THEY??????

NO? HMMM.

CAN SOMEONE READ MY POSTS AND "KNOW" ME?
MAYBE SOME THINGS ABOUT ME.....
BUT DO THEY "KNOW" ME?
FROM THAT? NO?

BUT... KIND OF EMBARRASSING.....
TRYING TO BUILD A STORY....
ABOUT ME....
TO TRY TO GET PEOPLE TO THINK.... WHATEVER.
ABOUT ME.

ESPECIALLY..... WHEN THEY GET "CAUGHT" DOING IT.

THEY CAN'T SAY:
"I WAS TRYING TO GET YOU TO THINK XYZ ABOUT A***.
BECAUSE I NEEDED THE "STORY" 
TO "PROTECT" MYSELF FROM LOOKING AT MYSELF."

BECAUSE IF THEY SAID THAT....
IT WOULD BE EMBARRASSING!

"THE STORY IS THE ONLY THING BETWEEN THEM
AND THEMSELVES."

THAT'S WHY THEY DO THAT.

BECAUSE: "IF A*** IS THE PROBLEM, I'M NOT."
SO THEN? THEY "HAVE TO" TRY TO "MAKE" ME THE "PROBLEM"?

YEAH? HMMM.

INSTEAD OF: HOW DID I FK THIS UP WITH A***?

WHY WOULD A*** BE "MIFFED"?

PROBABLY: SOMETHING WAS FKN UNFAIR!

1) UNFAIR THAT I'M BEING "MADE" SOMETHING I'M NOT!
2) UNFAIR THAT THEY LISTEN TO FKN EVERYONE ELSE!
3) UNFAIR THAT THEY'D RATHER BELIEVE BS!
4) UNFAIR THEY'D SWITCH UP BECAUSE OF BS!
5) UNFAIR THEY'D DO A BUNCH OF BS AND NOT BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR IT!
6) FKN AUDACIOUSLY UNFAIR TO BLAME ME FOR YOUR BS!
7) UNFAIR THEY DON'T REALIZE HOW FKN UNFAIR IT WAS TO ME!
8) UNFAIR THAT I HAVE TO POINT SH*T OUT!
9) UNFAIR THAT I'M PUSHED TO POINT IT OUT!
10) UNFAIR THAT WHEN I DO..... I GET MORE BS!

Maybe.... That.... Might.... Be..... Why.

A checklist! 

My patience HAS LIMITS! 

IMAGINE?

BUT TAKE MY PATIENCE FOR GRANTED....
AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS!

Maybe what happens: ACCESS DENIED.

BECAUSE: I TRIED!

Instead: "I'll treat A*** like a BACKUP PLAN" 
UNTIL SHE GETS TIRED OF THAT SH*T.

"I'LL JUST COME BACK TO THIS 12 YEARS LATER....
BECAUSE A*** WILL STILL BE THERE."

WILL I? FK NO.

A*** WAS THERE. WAS! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THERE!!!!!!!!!!

AND SOME ONLY REALIZE CERTAIN THINGS
WHEN A*** ISN'T THERE ANYMORE!

MAYBE MY ABSENCE SAYS THINGS FOR ME.
THAT BEING THERE "COULDN'T" SAY.

BECAUSE WHEN THEY CAN'T GET ANYTHING FROM ME, 
THEY *MIGHT* "MISS" THE THINGS I USED TO DO FOR THEM!

THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO!
THAT I CHOSE TO!

BUT WHEN I WAS "AVAILABLE"?

"GOTTA PUSH A*** AWAY!"
UNTIL? SHE GOES AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT MISSING THE ATTENTION I GAVE THEM....
ISN'T THE SAME THING AS BEING READY
TO ACTUALLY VALUE ME AS A PERSON
OR HAVING ME IN THEIR LIFE.

MISSING "OUR TALKS"
ISN'T THE SAME THING AS MISSING "ME."

BUT BEING AVAILABLE..... OFTEN MEANS.....
THEY THINK I WILL ALWAYS BE!

ALWAYS!

SHOULD I WANT TO BE THE "FENCE" THEY WANT TO SIT ON?

"INTERPRETING YOUR KINDNESS AS PROOF THAT YOU WOULD STAY."
I STAYED AS LONG AS I WANTED TO.
I NEVER FKN "HAD TO."

WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE "THE BACKUP PLAN"? WTF?
SHOULD I WANT TO PROVE MY WORTH TO SOMEONE?
CONSTANTLY?

SHOULD MY VALUE "DEPEND" ON BEING "CHOSEN"? NO!!!!!!!!

MORE LIKE: "DO THEY DESERVE ACCESS TO ME?" 

YES OR NO????????? 

BECAUSE IF THEY FKN DON'T...... THEY CAN FK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEY CAN GO FK THEMSELVES SIDEWAYS WITH A SURFBOARD.

THRICE ON SUNDAYS. OKAY? THRICE!!!! 

WITH UNCOOKED RICE!

So..... I was talking with a friend who is younger than me....
HE'S HAD A CRAPPY LOVE LIFE ALSO.

HE THINKS IT'S BECAUSE HE'S KIND AND CARES
THAT HE ENDS UP WITH HOES.

AND THEY CHOOSE SOMEONE OVER HIM
AFTER USING HIM AND TREATING HIM LIKE CRAP.

AND WHO THEY CHOOSE OVER HIM IS WAY WORSE THAN HIM.

I KNOW THAT FEELING.

BEEN THERE.

I TOLD HIM THAT BY THE TIME HE'S MY AGE....
HE'LL EITHER BE MARRIED, DIVORCED, OR JUST DONE WITH IT.

BESIDES, THERE ARE OTHER THINGS THAN DATING!

HE SAID: "MAYBE BECAUSE I ACTUALLY WANT TO CONNECT."
DO PEOPLE EVEN KNOW HOW TO "CONNECT" ANYMORE?

PEOPLE KNOW WHAT "TRAUMA BONDS" ARE.....
BUT DO THEY KNOW HOW TO BOND? FOR REAL? NO?

DO THEY KNOW WHAT LOYALTY IS? NO?

KNOWING I DIDN'T DESERVE THAT SH*T.....
WENT ALONG WITH THE BS ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"THEY SH@T ON YOU TO MAKE THEM HAPPY."
YEAH, USUALLY BECAUSE OF SOMEONE ELSE.

EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION.

AND WHEN SOMEONE CAN CONNECT WITH SOMEONE ELSE....
WHEN SOMEONE DOESN'T WANT THAT....
THEY'LL GO OUT OF THEIR WAY.....
TO TRY TO STOP THAT.

FROM HAPPENING.

"RUNNING INTERFERENCE."

IF YOU DON'T SEE THAT SH*T FOR WHAT IT IS....
IT STILL IS WHAT IT IS.

AND IF YOU SH*T ON ME TO "MAKE" SOMEONE "HAPPY"????
FKN STAY TF OVER THERE WITH THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE YOU WERE NOT DOWN FOR ME.
NOT DOWN WITH ME.

GO FK YOURSELF IF YOU'RE NOT. 

DEFINITELY DON'T HAVE TO SH*T ON ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FOR WHAT?
TO "MAKE" SOME JEALOUS B*TCH "HAPPY"?
BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO CONTROL YOU?
AND "MAKE" YOU SH*T ON ME?

BECAUSE IF YOU SH*T ON ME ENOUGH....
I WAS GOING TO TELL YOU TO FK OFF?

HMMM.

WELL YEAH! 

I WAS GOING TO JUST.... KEEP TAKING THAT SH*T?
BECAUSE SOME JEALOUS HOE "HATES" ME?

SHE CAN GO FK HERSELF TOO!!!!!!!!! BOTH OF THEM.
LIKE HE COULD HAVE TOLD HER TO GO DO!

"IS A*** BROKEN YET? ALMOST READY TO K*LL HERSELF?"
"DID SHE RELAPSE YET?"

YOU THINK I NEVER SAW THAT SH*T BEFORE???????
IT'S FKD UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FKD..... UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT THAT'S...... LIFE.

IT IS.... WHAT IT IS.
WAS I SUPPOSED TO WAIT UNTIL THEY GET THEIR HEAD
OUT OF THEIR @SS?

HOW LONG WOULD THAT TAKE? FOREVER? YEARS?
OF WASTED TIME?

IF HE WANTS TO WASTE HIS TIME ON THAT..... OKAY.
GO.... DO..... THAT.

HAVE FUN..... WITH.... THAT. OKAY?

BUT IF THEY HAVE TO FEEL MY ABSENCE TO JUST....
FKN SEE SOMETHING....

THEY CAN FEEL IT. 
AND SEE IT.

I'LL BE GONE, THOUGH.
BECAUSE I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO WAIT FOR THAT SH*T.

WOULD HE WANT TO WAIT FOR THAT SH*T?

FOR ME TO REALIZE THOSE THINGS? NO?

FOR ME TO SEE THE "CRABS IN THE BUCKET"?
WHO WILL KEEP YOU STUCK WITH THEM?
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT?
AND DON'T GAF WHAT YOU WANT?

But HOW MANY TIMES am I supposed to SAY
THE SAME THINGS?

THE THINGS I WISH PEOPLE WOULD REALIZE?

AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY:
"REALIZE XYZ!"

WHY DOES IT TAKE FKN YEARS
OF GOING "THE WRONG WAY"
TO SEE WHICH WAY THEY COULD HAVE GONE?

YEARS OF PEOPLE TRYING TO "KEEP" THEM "AWAY"
FROM ME?

FOR SELFISH FKN REASONS?

HMMM.

BUT.... THEY WENT..... THAT WAY.

BUT SH*T ON ME..... FOR YEARS.....
BECAUSE OF SOME JEALOUS HOE(S).....

AND EXPECT ME TO WANT TO BE THERE?!!!!!!!!!!
WTF?????????

EXCUSE ME??????!!!!! WHAT????!!!!! WTF?

PATIENCE EXPIRES!

I DON'T HAVE A GRUDGE. I DON'T REALLY GAF NOW.
WAS SHOCKED TO "HEAR FROM" HIM 12 YEARS LATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WTF?????????

AFTER SH*TTING ON ME??????????????? 

FOR SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T WANT TO SEE THEM HAPPY?

AND THEN BLAME ME? ON TOP OF THAT?
TO SH*T ON ME SOME MORE?

"MUST MAKE HIM DROP A***!"
IN ANY WAY I CAN!

THOUGHT HE KNEW ME BETTER THAN THAT!
BUT I GUESS NOT!

IF HE DID, THAT WOULDN'T HAVE WORKED!

AND WHEN THEY "MISS" ME EVEN AFTER ALL OF THAT....
IT'S NOT BECAUSE THEY "MISS" ME.
THEY "MISSED" THE OPPORTUNITY!

"CAN'T LET HIM FEEL ANYTHING FOR A***!"
"IF HE DOES, HE'LL DROP ME!"

HE COULD HAVE STOOD UP FOR ME!
FOR HIMSELF!

BUT DID HE? NO?

"A*** WAS SUPPOSED TO RELAPSE!"
"A*** WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SHATTERED!"

OR WHAT? I ACCEPTED THAT IT ENDED?
LIKE THEY COULD HAVE?

AND LET HIM MOVE ON?
AND LET HIM INVEST LIKE HE COULD HAVE?

BUT NO! BETTER PUT AN END TO THAT!

"CAN'T TALK TO HER! BETTER STOP THAT!"
"CAN'T SPEND TIME WITH HER! BETTER STOP THAT!"
"BETTER MAKE HIM THINK XYZ!"

I KNEW IT WAS "SUPPOSED" TO "MAKE" ME RELAPSE!
I KNOW THAT!

I'M NOT STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I SAW THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!
I KNOW WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

WHEN YOU SEE IT, YOU CANNOT UNSEE IT.

BECAUSE: "IF A*** RELAPSES, SHE WAS NEVER FKN ANYTHING."

SURE I CAN "FORGIVE" SOMEONE....
BUT DO I WANT TO BE IN THEIR LIFE?
WHEN THEY HAD THE CHANCE TO BE IN MINE?

FK NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE IF THEY WANTED THAT CHANCE....
THEY WOULD HAVE TAKEN IT!
DEFENDED IT!
KEPT IT.
KEPT ME.

REFUSED TO SH*T ON ME....!!!!

RESPECTED ME.

I DGAF IF ANYONE EVER LOVES ME OR NOT.
I FKN GAVE UP ON THAT SH*T....

BUT COULD THEY HAVE JUST.... BEEN DECENT?
LIKE I THOUGHT THEY WERE?

WHEN I USED TO SEE THEM THE WAY I USED TO?

BUT DID I SEE THEM THAT WAY.....
BECAUSE I LOOKED AT THEM THAT WAY?

LOOKED AT ME LIKE I WAS NOTHING!

BECAUSE SOMEONE WANTED THEM TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT'S WHY.

Was I supposed to "CALM DOWN" in the 12 years?
SO HE CAN COME BACK?
WHENEVER HE "WANTED" TO? WTF????????????

"SHE'S PATIENT! SHE WON'T GO ANYWHERE!"

FKN ARROGANT!!!!!!!!!!!
TO THINK THEY KNOW ME! WTF???????

"A*** WILL UNDERSTAND! SHE ALWAYS COMES BACK."
NOT.... THIS.... TIME. FK THAT.

PATIENCE DOESN'T EQUAL LOYALTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I STOP TRYING TO REPAIR IT?
WHAT I DIDN'T BREAK?

THEY WANTED ME TO REACT.... FOR INFO.

"WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO
WHEN THEY ARE NOT FORCED TO FKN GROW UP?"

WATCH. SEE. KNOW.

THEY STUDY YOUR REACTIONS?
THEY DO SH*T TO GET A REACTION?

THEY USE YOUR REACTIONS?
TO PLAY GAMES WITH YOU?

FK THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FK IT.

IF THE ENERGY CHANGES....
IF THEY CREATE DISTANCE....
LET THEM.

"THEY KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IF THEY DO XYZ..."
"WHY ISN'T A*** REACTING LIKE SHE USED TO?"

"WHY IS A*** NO LONGER AVAILABLE?"

"IF THEY CAN'T PREDICT YOU, THEY HAVE TO GO BACK
AND TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHEN THEY LOST CONTROL.
AND REALIZE THE "WINS" WEREN'T WINS?"

"CELEBRATING INFO THEY MISUNDERSTOOD"?

I USED TO BE LIKE:
I CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS BECAUSE....
I DON'T LIKE THIS BECAUSE....
FK THIS BECAUSE.....

AND THEN I GOT P*SSED TELLING THEM OVER AND OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!
I ALREADY FKN DID!

THEY AREN'T "MAD" BECAUSE I WALKED AWAY.
THEY ARE "MAD" BECAUSE THEY DON'T GET ACCESS.

MAYBE BEING GHOSTED "CHANGED" ME.

"HOW MANY REACTIONS DID THEY MISUNDERSTAND?"

BUT.... PLAYING GAMES?
WHY FKN DO THAT?

"SHE OVEREATED..." DID I?
TO THOSE FKN GAMES?

AND WHEN I CALL IT OUT....
THEY KNOW I KNOW!
AND THEY CAN'T FKN SAY I WAS EVER PLAYING!

"I SEE YOU."
BEEN WATCHING. FOR A WHILE.

NOT BECAUSE I WANTED TO, BUT YOU GAVE ME
SOMETHING TO WATCH.

AND BECAUSE YOU DID, I DID,

YES! I SEE THAT! HOW COULD I NOT?
EVENTUALLY!

MAYBE NOT AT FIRST BECAUSE:
WHY DO I THINK YOU ARE PLAYING ONE?
UNTIL I SEE YOU DOING IT?

DID I HAVE TO SHOW THEM EVERYTHING?

BECAUSE I CARED DOESN'T MEAN I NEVER SAW THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!

I SAW THAT SH*T BECAUSE I CARED!
IF I DIDN'T..... I WOULDN'T HAVE FKN BOTHERED!!!!!!!!!!!

"WHAT ARE THEY SHOWING ME?"
LOOK AT IT. ALL OF IT. THEY SHOW YOU.
EVEN THINGS THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO SEE.

AND WHEN YOU UNDERSTAND YOURSELF, 
THEY CAN'T FKN GASLIGHT YOU.
THEY CAN'T PULL SH*T
THEY THINK YOU WILL FALL FOR.
EVEN IF YOU DID A FEW TIMES.

"THEIR WARMTH HAD TIMING."
"THEIR DISTANCE HAD TIMING."
"THEIR CURIOSITY HAD TIMING."

AND WHEN I STOPPED TRYING.... THEY DID.
BECAUSE I STOPPED.

OTHERWISE? HMMM.

"PULL BACK, MAKE HER WONDER, COME BACK."
THE FORMULA IS THE EVIDENCE.

AND CONFRONTING THEM.....
THEY LEARN THEY "PUSHED A BUTTON."

IF YOU TELL THEM "WHAT HURT"
YOU TELL THEM WHAT YOU ARE NOTICING.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL THEM SH*T.
THEY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING.

I CAN STOP "CARRYING" INTERACTIONS.

ESPECIALLY WHEN I DON'T FKN WANT TO!

MEASURING ME THROUGH MY REACTIONS.

"THEY THOUGHT BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T FIGHTING THEM, 
YOU WERE STILL PARTICIPATING."

AM I?

WANTED "POWER" TO "CHANGE YOUR EMOTIONAL STATE."
JUST TO FK WITH YOUR FEELINGS.

JUST THAT.

"YOU CAN STILL AFFECT ME." IS WHAT THEY WANT.

"CAN WE RESET THIS WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED?"

"WHEN YOU WERE REACTING, THEY THOUGHT THEY STILL MATTERED."

"WHEN SOMEONE RELIES ON YOUR REACTIONS....
AND YOU STOP GIVING THEM... THEY DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY STAND."

"THEY THOUGHT THAT NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENED,
THERE WOULD BE ANOTHER RESET."

"IF THEY DISAPPEARED, YOU'D STILL CARE."

NO. NOT THIS TIME. 

"SHE FORGAVE ME! I SHOULD DO BETTER!"
VS:
"SEE? SHE NEVER REALLY LEAVES!"

WTF? ARROGANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TO ASSUME THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!

PATIENCE IS NOT FKN OBLIGATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT RUNS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOMETIMES FASTER THAN IT SHOULD!

SOMETIMES NOT FAST ENOUGH!

SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT THE FIRST FEW TIMES....
AND SEEN WHAT THAT WAS, BUT I KNOW NOW.

THEY USE MIXED SIGNALS TO "CONFUSE" YOU.
AND USE YOUR REACTIONS TO PLAY WITH YOU.
IF YOU DON'T REACT THE WAY THEY THINK YOU WILL
OR WANT YOU TO....
THEY GET MAD!

BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T GET SOMETHING THEY WANTED!

AND NOW THAT I COULD BE WITH ANYONE ELSE....
THEY DON'T WANT ME MOVING FORWARD?
WTF?

NO. I DON'T WANT TO BE IN A FKD UP DYNAMIC.

ALREADY TRIED THAT. 

Not Everyone Can

It's wild to me how people PROJECT onto me... 
And hate on me... For what? IDK.

It's also wild how dudes LIE and HIDE THINGS from me.
As though I wasn't going to find out.

I'm not interested in being with someone
WHO WOULD RISK IT
AND RISK ME
FOR SOME BS.

Wild how when they try to "take advantage of me"
I FKN FEEL THAT.
I KNOW.

WHEN I'M BEING KEPT LIKE A SECRET, I FEEL THAT SH*T, TOO.

THAT'S BEEN A FEW TIMES.

LIKE.... HOW ARE THEY GOING TO....
TRY TO HIDE....
A WHOLE RELATIONSHIP FROM ME?

SOMETIMES, I WANT TO SEE JUST HOW FAR....
THEY ACTUALLY WANT TO GO WITH IT.

IT SUCKS THAT THEY ACTUALLY WANT TO TAKE IT THERE.....
WHY? IDK.

THEY PUSH ME AWAY.... TO TRY TO GET ME BACK?

WHY?

IF YOU'RE GOING TO DO THAT SH*T...... 
JUST FKN GO AWAY! FK DO I NEED THAT FOR?

IF YOU PUSH ME AWAY..... 
JUST LET ME "GO" TOWARDS SOMEONE
WHO WOULDN'T DO ANY OF THAT BS TO ME.

NOT THAT I'M GOING TOWARDS ANYONE.
BUT IF I WANTED TO....
I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO!

I SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO!
FFS!

Do they consider that? No?

Why do that sh*t at all? I wish I knew!

I think I go through some sh*t to learn to get through it.
Because I know that not everyone goes through this sh*t.

It used to bug tf out of me that I was....
AND OTHER PEOPLE LIVE NORMAL LIVES.

"Don't give them the stick to hurt you with."
Whether the stick is even your heart.
Or info.

BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU HAPPY!
ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY AREN'T!

THEY'LL TRY TO "MAKE" YOU MISERABLE....
JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE!

WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?
JUST TO DO IT?

JEALOUS PEOPLE DO NOT WANT OTHER PEOPLE
TO BE HAPPY OR EMOTIONALLY FULFILLED.

THEY DON'T.

It's fkd up.

I saw a video of two chicks on the down escalator.
A dude on the up escalator tried to give one of the chicks roses.

A big girl got MAD and took them and threw them.
AND FLIPPED THEM OFF.

She didn't want the other girl to get the roses.

EVEN THOUGH IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH HER!

SHE GOT JEALOUS.

It's weird, though... "I have ANXIETY! I HAVE TO RUN AWAY!"

THEN FKN TALK ABOUT IT! DON'T BE A FKN B*TCH!

"I HAVE A FEAR OF INTIMACY... I BETTER RUN AWAY!"

THEN? TALK? ABOUT? IT?!

ARE WE NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK?
ABOUT THOSE THINGS AND OTHER THINGS? 

THOUGHT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO.

IT'S ONE THING TO FEEL "OVERWHELMED"
OR WHATEVER TF.....

BUT FKN USE YOUR WORDS..... AND.... SAY.... THAT.

DON'T TRY TO PUT THAT SH*T ON ME.

There were times I felt all kinds of things....
BUT WAS IT UP TO ME TO SAY SOMETHING?
AND DID I?
WHEN I WAS P*SSED OFF?
FOR BEING PUSHED AWAY CONSTANTLY?

FOR WHAT?

IT WASN'T JUST PUSHING ME AWAY....

IT WAS THAT THEY PUSHED ME AWAY....
AS SOON AS I FELT ANY WAY ABOUT THE BS
RIGHT BEFORE THEY DID THAT SH*T.

NOT BEFORE, RIGHT AFTER.

IF THEY COULD HAVE HAD AN ACTUAL
"HEART TO HEART" WITH ME....
I WOULD HAVE LISTENED.

EVEN AS P*SSED AS I'VE BEEN....
I WOULD HAVE.

BUT.... IT'S NOT EVEN CLOSE TO....
WHAT I'D NEED TO ACTUALLY SEE FROM THEM
TO BELIEVE THEY ARE FOR REAL.

AND AFTER 12 YEARS.....
I DESERVE A REAL FKN APOLOGY!!!!!!!!!!!!! FK! 
A REAL ONE! 

NOT "IF THAT HAPPENED...." WTF IS THAT SH*T?
"CLOSE ENOUGH" FK NO.
NOT EVEN! FK THAT!

IN 12 YEARS YOU "CAN'T FIND THE RIGHT WORDS"?
WOW.

DON'T WANT FKN EXCUSES FOR THAT BS....
WHY WOULD I?

WOULD THEY WANT EXCUSES FROM ME?
FOR DOING THAT?
TO THEM?

No? Hmmm.

Are there dudes who are actually MATURE? 
WHO AREN'T ALREADY MARRIED?

CURIOUS. WONDERING. BUT NOT "INTERESTED."

WASN'T JUST HIM, THOUGH! FKERS! 

If I went around doing that sh*t?

AM I SUPPOSED TO READ THEIR MINDS TO KNOW
WHY TF A DUDE IS ACTING LIKE A FKTARD?

MOST OF THE TIME THEY JUST AREN'T FKN MATURE ENOUGH
NOT TO FKN ACT LIKE THAT!

BECAUSE IF THEY WERE, THEY WOULDN'T. 

IT TURNS ME OFF WHEN THEY ARE OLD ENOUGH
NOT TO FKN ACT LIKE THAT, BUT THEY DO!

AND OLDER THAN ME, ACTING LIKE THAT!

DID THEY FORGET WE'RE NOT TEENAGERS ANYMORE?

MAYBE EXPECT A TEENAGER TO ACT LIKE THAT, 
BUT NOT A GROWN "ADULT."

I've just wanted to GIVE TF UP on ever having an actual relationship.
For a while. Mostly, I have.

WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE CRAP?
AT SOME POINT: "THAT'S ENOUGH, FFS."

IT STARTS WITH LITTLE THINGS, AND THEY GET BIGGER AND BIGGER.
FOR THE MOST PART, I BRUSHED OFF LITTLE THINGS....
BUT THEY ADD UP.... OVER TIME....

AND BECAUSE I KEPT BRUSHING SOME OF IT OFF....
"WHY NOT SWEEP EVERYTHING UNDER THE RUG?"
FK NO!
WHY SHOULD I?
JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT ME TO?
FK THAT!

THEN IT'S JUST A RUG ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN.

AND THE MOUNTAIN GETS IGNORED.
AND IF IT FKN BOTHERS ME.... I'M "TOXIC."

OR WHATEVER TF ELSE I AM.... GET IT?

NOTHING IS ALLOWED TO BOTHER ME?
EVEN THINGS THAT SHOULD?
THAT WOULD BOTHER THEM?
COMING FROM ME?

BUT THEY DO NOT SEEM TO SEE....
WHAT IT WOULD LOOK LIKE....
COMING FROM ME!

BECAUSE IT LOOKS THE FKN SAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
COMING FROM THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT DOES!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOW IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND?

HOW?

Some Of The Things

Came across one of my old posts. A photo.
I sometimes cannot fkn believe
HOW SOME DUDES FKN TALK TO AND ACT TOWARD ME.
ESPECIALLY PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW ME!

ALL I DID WAS POST A PIC. THAT'S ALL I FKN DID.

BUT LET'S ALL HATE ON ME FOR JUST FKN DOING THAT.
LIKE I WASN'T FKN ALLOWED TO....
SHOULD HAVE BEEN...
THOUGHT I WAS....
WITHOUT THAT SH*T....
BUT?

WAS I? NO?

I wish I could access my oldest posts in the list.
So that I can revert older posts to drafts.

Just hard to get to them because I have over 5k of them.

That one was in 2008.

Just.... Bugs me....

IT WAS A FKN PICTURE!
ON MY OWN BLOG!

AND I GOT THAT SH*T?

WHY HATE ON ME THAT HARD?
FOR WHAT?

FOR FKN EXISTING I GUESS!

BECAUSE I THOUGHT.....
I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ALLOWED....
TO JUST POST A PIC ON HERE....

HMMM RARELY DO ANYMORE, EH?
WHY IS THAT?

REVERTED AS MANY AS I COULD FIND.

JUST HARD TO ACCESS THE OLDEST POSTS.
TO REVERT THEM.

Just.... Some of the things some dudes say and have said to me.....
WHY TF SAY THAT SH*T?
JUST TO SAY IT?