Can We Do It Tomorrow?

So I got a call from my brother, who was supposed to bring his stuff here. 
He asked me to bring his stuff because he has nowhere to put it. 

He was calling to ask if he could do it tomorrow instead. 
AND I ALMOST SAID YES, BUT I HAVE MY OWN STUFF. 
THAT I ALMOST FKN PUT ASIDE FOR HIM, AGAIN, 
LIKE LAST TIME. 

I GOT SO FKN MAD THAT I WAS SO FKN DISTRACTED
THAT I FORGOT TO GO TO THE MEETING
I SAID I WAS GOING TO GO TO, 
THAT I LIKE GOING TO, 
AND I RARELY HAVE FKN ANYTHING GOING ON. 

SO MOST PEOPLE ASSUME I NEVER HAVE ANYTHING, 
SO IF THEY COULD TAKE ALL MY TIME, 
FOR THEMSELVES, THEY FKN WOULD!

But this time, I did remember and told him NOT TOMORROW!
IT FKN P*SSES ME OFF
THAT PEOPLE PUT SH*T OFF, WITH ME
AND JUST EXPECT ME TO BE AROUND FFS. 
FOR WHENEVER. 

It also bugs me getting woken up like that. 

His excuse was that someone got in his face at work, 
and he walked off the job, 
and he's stressing that he might not have a job
to go back to for walking off of it. 

HE WALKED OFF THE JOB RATHER THAN
GETTING IN THE GUY'S FACE
AND MAKING SH*T SO MUCH WORSE. 

AND WHO WANTS TO WORK WITH SOMEONE IN YOUR FACE?

But I was fkn sleeping. 
AND THAT'S THE CALL I GOT... 
"CAN WE DO IT TOMORROW?"
WTF DOES ANYONE THINK I AM?
CONSTANTLY AVAILABLE WHENEVER TF THEY WANT?

WHY SHOULD I MISS ANOTHER MEETING?
JUST BECAUSE HE WANTS ME TO BE HOME?
JUST TO BRING HIS STUFF HERE?

BUT I ALMOST FKN DID!
BECAUSE HE WANTED TOMORROW FROM ME.
WHEN I HAVE MY OWN PLANS, TOMORROW.

Anyway, I have some ideas for the near future. 
Some stuff related to code.
Some stuff related to art.
Some stuff related to writing.

---------------

Today, I woke up feeling sick. 
I decided to stay home and not go to the knitting meeting, today. 
I was going to go, but I was not feeling good. 

My stomach was bugging me. 

Then my neighbor sends me a text about how he wants me
to delete his YT channel that I set up for him... 

IT BUGS ME BECAUSE I SPENT MY ENTIRE FKN SUMMER, 
LAST SUMMER, HANGING OUT WITH HIM, 
FILMING FOR HIM... ETC.

I DO NOT LIKE WASTING MY TIME. 
ESPECIALLY AFTER I TOLD HIM WHAT MY PLANS WERE, 
AND I SHOWED HIM WHAT I WAS WORKING ON... 
THAT I COULD HAVE BEEN WORKING ON
INSTEAD OF GOING FISHING WITH HIM... 

I SPENT SO MUCH OF MY TIME DOING THAT FOR HIM. 
AND INSTEAD OF APPRECIATING IT,
HE WANTS ME TO DELETE IT ALL. 

I TOLD HIM I WOULD HAVE TO DO IT FROM HIS PHONE, 
AND TOLD HIM I AM NOT FEELING WELL TODAY. 

IT BUGS ME PEOPLE THINK IT IS OKAY TO WASTE MY TIME, LIKE THAT. 
LIKE I HAD NOTHING BETTER TO DO
THAN HELP THEM DO SOMETHING... 

AND WHEN I DO HELP THEM, 
IT'S LIKE WHY DID I FKN BOTHER TO
WHEN THEY TREAT ME
LIKE NOTHING I DID EVEN FKN MATTERED TO THEM?

I HELPED HIM RECORD OVER 200 VIDEOS. 
SINCE LAST SUMMER. 

WHAT COULD I HAVE BEEN DOING LAST SUMMER?
INSTEAD OF DOING THAT?
A LOT OF THINGS?
THINGS I WANTED TO DO?

If he really wants me to delete the whole damn thing, 
I FKN WILL!
BUT HE BETTER NOT EXPECT ME
TO FKN DO ANYTHING ELSE FOR HIM, PERIOD. 
I'M GOING TO BE "BUSY" THIS SUMMER. 
WITH MY STUFF. 

FK EVERYONE AND THEIR STUFF
WHEN THEY TREAT ME LIKE IT DOESN'T FKN MATTER ANYWAY!
AFTER EVERYTHING I DO FOR THEM!

It fkn bugs me. 

What also bugs me is because EVEN THOUGH I TOLD HIM
OTHERWISE, 4 FKN TIMES... 

HE THINKS THAT THE REASON FOR HIS GMAIL STOTAGE
IS LOW AND BLOCKS HIM FROM GETTING NEW EMAIL, 
IS BECAUSE OF YOUTUBE. 

IT'S NOT. 

GMAIL AND YOUTUBE ARE FKN TWO DIFFERENT SITES. 

I clean out his inbox of junk to give him more storage in there. 
I clean out his trash thing, to give him more storage in there. 

I TOLD HIM MORE THAN ONCE, 
IF HE TOPS UP HIS STORAGE FOR IT, LIKE I DID, 
HE WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT... 

IF HE DELETED HIS JUNK EMAILS, HIMSELF, 
HE WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT... 

IF HE EMPTIED HIS TRASH ON THERE, 
HE WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT.... 

BUT HE THINKS HE IS RIGHT. 

I'M THINKING ABOUT TALKING TO M ABOUT IT, 
TO ASK M, IF HE'LL TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT, 
BECAUSE HE IS OBVIOUSLY NOT LISTENING. 

I TOLD HIM THIS MORE THAN ONCE. 

I DON'T MIND HELPING PEOPLE, 
BUT IF THEY DON'T LISTEN, 
IT MAKES ME NOT FKN WANT TO!!!!!

IT ONLY MATTERS WHAT THEY WANT, IT SEEMS. 
I WANT FOR MY TIME, NOT TO BE WASTED. 
I WANT TO BE HEARD THE FIRST FKN TIME
I SAY SOMETHING. 

BECAUSE THERE IS A REASON I'M SAYING IT. 

AND IF NOBODY CAN EVEN SEE WHY I'M SAYING IT, EVEN, 
WHY WASTE MY TIME?

Should I go around wasting everyone else's time?
AND EXPECT THEM TO SHOVE EVERYTHING ASIDE FOR ME?
WHEN DO THEY EVER?

WHEN DO I EVER EXPECT THEM TO?
I FKN CAN'T! SO I FKN DON'T!

It would be cool if they don't expect anything from me!!!
IT WOULD BE COOL IF THEY JUST LET ME DO SOMETHING
BECAUSE I WANTED TO, NOT BECAUSE THEY EXPECT ME TO!!!!

One girl I used to hang out with... 
WHEN SHE KNEW I HAD MONEY,
SHE WANTED ME TO KEEP BUYING HER STUFF!

LIKE ALMOST EVERY TIME WE HUNG OUT, 
SHE EITHER WANTED TO BORROW MONEY FROM ME, 
OR SHE WANTED TO ME TO BUY SOMETHING FOR HER. 

SOMEONE WANTING YOU TO BUY SOMETHING FOR THEM, 
COMES WITH THE EXPECTATION THAT YOU WILL. 
AND WHEN YOU DON'T FKN WANT TO, 
DO THEY HAVE A RIGHT TO BE UPSET
THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO FKN BE USED?

BECAUSE IT'S DIFFERENT THAN OFFERING. 
BECAUSE YOU WANT TO. 
JUST TO BE NICE. 

BUT WHEN YOU FKN DO IT, BECAUSE YOU WANT TO, 
THE USERS TRY TO TAKE ADVANTAGE
OF THE KINDNESS. 

I AM NOT COOL WITH THAT. 

I TOLD HER TO STOP ASKING ME TO BUY HER SH*T. 
IF I HAVE THE MONEY, AND WANT TO, I WILL. 
BUT JUST LET ME DO IT, 
WHEN I FEEL LIKE DOING IT, 
NOT BECAUSE YOU WANT ME TO. 

It's fkn rude to expect people to do fkn anything for you.

SO WHY DO PEOPLE EXPECT ANYTHING FROM ME?

LET ALONE FOR ME TO DO/GIVE THEM ANYTHING THEY WANT
JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT IT?

WHAT GIVES THEM THE RIGHT TO?
THEY DON'T! I DON'T! 
THAT'S WHY I FKN DON'T!
I HAVE NO RIGHT TO FFS!
NEITHER DO THEY!

So why tf are they trying to act like they fkn do?

AND AM I SUPPOSED TO LIKE THAT THEY DO THAT?
NO, I FKN DON'T. 

THEY WOULD NOT LIKE IT, IF I FKN DID THAT SH*T. 
AND MAYBE I KNOW THAT THEY WOULDN'T, 
SO I WHAT?! I FKN DON'T DO THAT SH*T!!!!
THAT'S WHAT!!!!

I KNOW THEY WOULDN'T LIKE THEIR TIME WASTED. 
BY ME. 
BECAUSE I DO NOT FKN LIKE MY TIME WASTED. 

SO I TRY NOT TO WASTE THEIR FKN TIME?!
AND I SURE AS HELL DO NOT EXPECT
THEM TO DO/GIVE ME ANYTHING. 

AS LONG AS THINGS ARE FKN FAIR, TO ME... 
WHAT SHOULD I FKN WANT FROM THEM?
ANYTHING?

I'VE WANTED THINGS TO JUST BE FKN FAIR, TO ME!!!!
THAT'S WHAT I'VE WANTED. 

I'M NOT THE KIND OF FEMALE
WHO WANTS HER BF TO GO BUY HER THINGS ETC.....

For one, I APPRECIATE PRACTIBILITY. 
IF SOMETHING HAS A PRACTICAL USE, I LIKE THAT. 

There's not a lot that anyone I actually know actually knows about me. 
I've never fkn wanted very much. 

The little things I've wanted, I was denied by fkn everyone. 
Even little things, like wanting to watch a movie, 
on my BIRTHDAY. 

It's like I've NEVER BEEN FKN ALLOWED
TO FKN WANT FKN ANYTHING. 

SO WHY FKN SHOULD I?
JUST TO WANT SOMETHING?

JUST TO BE LIKE EVERYONE WHO WANTS SOMETHING?

AND WHAT IF I ONLY WANT
THINGS TO BE FKN FAIR?! TO ME!!!!!!!!! 

WHAT IF I ONLY WANT THAT?

It just bothers me that I even have fkn anything TO GET OUT. 
Or having to fkn explain anything, to anyone. 

About WHY CERTAIN SH*T IS NOT COOL WITH ME... 
WHY IT BOTHERS ME. 

WHEN EVERY FKN POINT I EVER MAKE GETS DISMISSED, 
LIKE IT'S NEVER "VALID."

BUT EVERY POINT ANYONE ELSE MAKES, 
I SHOULD BE TAKING THAT LIKE THEY OUGHT TO BE, FROM ME, TOO. 

THEY WANT ME TO LISTEN,
BUT THEY DO NOT WANT TO LISTEN TO ME. 

THEY LITERALLY WANT TO ARGUE WITH ME
CONSTANTLY. ABOUT FKN EVERYTHING. 

BECAUSE THEY NEED TO BE "RIGHT" SO BAD
AND WILL NEVER ADMIT ANYTHING THEY DO OR SAY
IS FKD UP. 

When someone tells you, on their BIRTHDAY, 
THEY WANT TO WATCH XYZ MOVIE... 

JUST FKN WATCH XYZ FKN MOVIE!!!!

IF THAT'S ALL THEY FKN WANT, WTF IS WRONG?!
ANYTHING? OR NOTHING?

When YOU are NOT BEING FKN FAIR TO SOMEONE, 
AND THEY ARE FKN UPSET ABOUT IT, 
AND THEY HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT IT, 
FKN LISTEN!!!!
HEAR WHAT THEY ARE SAYING!!!!
AND UNDERSTAND WHY THEY ARE SAYING IT!!!!

BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T.... 
AND YOU'D WANT THEM TO HEAR YOU, 
YOU ARE BEING A POS!!!!!!!

AN IGNORANT POS!!!!!

AND IF YOU CHOOSE TO BE A POS,
YOU CAN ALSO CHOOSE...
NOT TO FKN BE ONE!!!!!

YOU CAN ALSO CHOOSE
TO BE A DECENT, FAIR, HONEST, PERSON. 

WHO DOESN'T DO FKD UP SH*T. 

WHO WOULDN'T DO THAT SH*T TO SOMEONE
ON THEIR BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE ONE FKN DAY 
THEY SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO FKN WANT TO
JUST WATCH XYZ MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT WAS ALL!!!!
JUST TO WATCH XYZ MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The point is it wasn't much to want, right?
ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!!

Just ONE day to WANT ONE THING, right?

BUT I AM NOT ALLOWED TO FKN WANT ANYTHING!!!!!
SO WHY SHOULD I FKN WANT ANYTHING??????!!!!!

Anyway, I got that out of my system. 
I said what I said and I made my point. 

But what I was saying is why should I have so much sh*t
TO GET OUT OF MY SYSTEM?

What bugs me as much as being treated like that
IS THAT THEY EXPECT ME TO JUST ACCEPT IT
AND THEY KEEP FKN DOING IT. 
THEN WONDER WHY I DO NOT WANT TO BE AROUND THEM. 

WHY I WOULD RATHER SPEND A BIRTHDAY BY MYSELF
THAN TO BE TREATED THE WAY I'VE BEEN TREATED
OVER SEVERAL FKN BIRTHDAYS
BY THE SAME PEOPLE. 

PEOPLE WHO SHOULDN'T EVEN WANT TO
FKN TREAT YOU LIKE THAT!
ESPECIALLY IF THEY WANTED TO BE IN MY LIFE!

BUT THAT'S THE THING WITH BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED
BY LITERALLY EVERYONE YOU KNOW... 

LIKE I'M ALWAYS GOING TO BE THERE, 
SO THEY HAVE TIME TO TREAT ME BETTER
WHEN THEY FEEL LIKE IT OR SOMETHING.... FFS.

The people who get treated like I do... 
AREN'T GOING TO ALWAYS BE THERE!!!!!
THEY ARE TIRED OF BEING THERE!!!!!
WAITING TO BE TREATED FKN BETTER THAN THAT!!!!!

And MAY THEY BE TREATED BETTER! 
NOT JUST FOR WHAT THEY BEND OVER BACKWARDS
TO FKN DO FOR EVERYONE
WHO JUST FKN EXPECTS THEM TO FKN DO IT/GIVE IT/BE IT... 
ALL THE DAMN TIME... 

TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT!!!!! FFS!
Fk being treated like that!
ESPECIALLY BY FAMILY FFS!

FAMILY ARE THE PEOPLE WHO AREN'T
SUPPOSED TO TREAT YOU LIKE THAT. 
THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO LOVE YOU. 
ENOUGH TO NEVER TREAT YOU LIKE THAT.
AND WHY SHOULD THEY WANT TO?

Y'know?
I'm aware other people get treated like that, too. 
I really put up with it all my life!!!!!
SH*T I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH!!!!
FROM ANYONE!!!!
ESPECIALLY FAMILY!!!!

I swear, if I ever strike it rich... 
Like... Buy myself a house kind of rich... 

THEN THEY'D TREAT ME BETTER!!!!
THEY'D SUDDENLY HAVE RESPECT FOR ME!!!!
I WOULDN'T BE TREATED LIKE I WAS FKN STUPID ANYMORE!!!!
MAYBE THEY WOULD ACTUALLY LISTEN TO ME!!!!

BUT IT WOULD BE ABOUT THE MONEY. 
IT WOULD BE ABOUT WHAT THEY COULD GET. 

IT HAS NEVER BEEN ABOUT ME, AS A PERSON, 
AND IT NEVER FKN WILL BE. 

BECAUSE IF IT WAS, THEY WOULD LISTEN. 
IT WOULDN'T BE ABOUT WHAT THEY WANT. 

THEY WOULD RESPECT ME ENOUGH TO FKN LISTEN!!!!
AT THE VERY LEAST. 

AND MAYBE THEY WOULD GET IT. 

THAT JUST BECAUSE I FKN COULD PUT UP WITH IT
DOES NOT MEAN THAT I SHOULD. 
DOES NOT MEAN THAT I HAVE TO.
JUST BECAUSE THEY EXPECT ME TO. 
JUST LIKE I HAVE BEEN FOR WAY TOO LONG... 

Yeah... This sh*t used to REALLY P*SS ME OFF!!!!!!

BUT GETTING P*SSED OFF ABOUT IT CHANGED WHAT?
DID IT MAKE THEM STOP DOING IT?
OR HAVE THEY KEPT DOING IT?
BECAUSE GETTING ANGRY DIDN'T TEACH THEM
ANYTHING ABOUT THEMSELVES!!!!!

NOTHING THEY WANTED TO LEARN!
EVEN THOUGH THEY SHOULD HAVE LEARNED
A LONG TIME AGO!

And had they WANTED to learn something... 
FOR THE SAKE OF KNOWING IT, EVEN, 
THEY WOULD HAVE LISTENED. 

THE FIRST TIME. 

A video I saw... A dude was standing in another dude's doorway... 

The dude (dude1) who's house/apartment it was... 
TOLD DUDE2 who was standing in the doorway... 
TO GTFO OF HIS DOORWAY.
4 FKN TIMES... 
BEFORE HE PUSHED DUDE2 TF OUT OF THE DOORWAY. 

Why should it have to take dude1 to push dude2 out of the doorway?
WHY SHOULD HE HAVE TO HAVE ASKED 4 TIMES?!
TOLD THE DUDE.

Respect says: THE FIRST TIME SOMEONE ASKS YOU
OR TELLS YOU TO GET OUT OF THEIR DOORWAY... 
YOU DO IT. 

Another video I saw, too... It comes to mind...
A dude gets hit by another guy... 

A road rage thing.

The guy who got hit FIRST knocks him cold. 
FOR HITTING HIM. 

THEN ANOTHER DUDE, FROM THE SAME CAR
COMES AT THE GUY WHO GOT HIT FIRST
WITH A KNIFE!

THE GUY WHO GOT HIT FIRST,
HE BACKED THAT DUDE TF UP. 

AND A CHICK FROM ANOTHER CAR GETS OUT
OF HER CAR, BEHIND THEM, 
AND YELLS AT THE GUY WHO GOT HIT FIRST
AND HE YELLS BACK
AND SHE GETS TF BACK INTO HER CAR.
AND SHE STFU.

The guy who got hit first... He's the metaphor. 
He's the actual guy, in the video clip, 
but he's also a metaphor. 

A metaphor for all the people
WHO ARE TIRED OF FKN BS. 
WHO SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO TOLERATE
OR ACCEPT ANY BS. 

WHY SHOULD THEY?
SHOULD YOU, TOO?
SHOULD ALL OF US? OR...
CAN WE FIND A WAY...
TO LIVE WITHOUT THE BS?

Toronto's kinda fkd. It has been for a long time. 

Anyway, I heard about this case or whatever
where a dude was going around cutting people's tendons
FOR NO REASON. 

MAYBE HE HAD SOME FKD UP "REASON"
IN HIS HEAD, 
BUT WHO TF DOES THAT?

Imagine just walking along and out of nowhere
SOME FKTARD COMES UP BEHIND YOU
AND JUST CUTS YOUR FKN TENDON?!

And that time that some guy rented a van or something
and deliberately ran over people on the sidewalk with it. 

AND THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO FKN "PRAISE"
PEOPLE WHO DO THAT SH*T
BECAUSE THEY THINK LIKE THAT TOO FFS. 

AND THEY FKN CONVINCE EACH OTHER
TO FKN THINK LIKE THAT!!!!!

It's nuts to me. 

Like how can someone be THAT weak-willed
to LET someone convince them TO THINK LIKE THAT?

BTW, I don't write about the things I think about
to try to convince anyone to think like I do. 

All I'm doing is writing what I think. That is all. 

Maybe I write because I'm frustrated. Idk anymore. 

Anyway, I'm going to do some other writing for a bit... 

G.S For PM

I'm aggravated. About something I've already explained, on here. 

To give you context, I joined a group about Canadian politics. 

The hot topic has been about Alberta wanting to separate from Canada.

I said that I could see Alberta having a referendum like Quebec had in 1995.
I also said that Alberta got treated pretty badly in the HOC.
And that has been ongoing. 

Someone asked for an example. 

I sent them a clip from when the MP for Alberta
was asking why Alberta's being treated
"Like the fart in the room."

And instead of answering that, 
THEY MADE A THING ABOUT THE WORD FART, 
BECAUSE THAT WAS MORE IMPORTANT, 
THAN WHAT THE MP FROM ALBERTA BROUGHT UP.

BEING TREATED LIKE THAT HAS BEEN ONGOING. 

THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT IT UP. 

IF QUEBEC WAS BEING TREATED LIKE THAT, 
THEY'D SAY SOMETHING ABOUT IT, TOO, 
BUT THEY AREN'T!

BECAUSE HOW DARE ANYONE TREAT THEM LIKE THAT!
GET IT!?

That's why I said that. 

Because any other province, getting treated like that
WOULD NOT LIKE IT, EITHER. 
WOULD NOT APPRECIATE IT. 

So the guy who didn't like the possibility
that Alberta could have a referendum like Quebec did, 

was all like Alberta only pays 14% of the GDP of Canada... 

Fine. Okay. Sure, it does. I never disputed it. 
I never argued about it, as a fact. 

BUT WHAT HE DID WAS... 
INSTEAD OF ASKING ME IF I KNEW THAT, 
HE CALLED ME IGNORANT
BECAUSE HE ASSUMED THAT I DIDN'T. 

WHETHER I DID OR DIDN'T KNOW THAT, 
WASN'T WHAT I BROUGHT UP... 

I BROUGHT UP:

1) I'M NOT DOING THAT TO ANYONE ELSE
2) I DON'T SEE THAT BEING DONE TO ANYONE ELSE
3) IT'D BE COOL TO STATE FACTS WITHOUT DOING IT
4) DOING IT IS UNECESSARY
5) ASSUMING ANYTHING ANYONE DOES OR DOESN'T KNOW
WOULD BE IGNORANT OF ME TO DO. 

I had to f*cking try to explain this to people
WHO WANTED TO GASLIGHT ME ABOUT THE CONTEXT
IN WHICH THE GUY CALLED ME IGNORANT
AND THEY WANTED TO ARGUE WITH ME
ABOUT THE MEANING OF THE WORD IGNORANT
LIKE THAT SHOULDN'T BE INSULTING TO ME. 

So I asked:

Would it have been BETTER or WORSE
if he had outright called me STUPID instead of IGNORANT?

What was the point in him calling me ANYTHING?

ON AN ASSUMPTION.
ABOUT WHAT I DID ALREADY
OR SUPPOSEDLY WAS TOO "IGNORANT" TO KNOW?

But my point was... 

THAT IT WOULD BE IGNORANT OF ME TO DO THAT.
WHICH IS WHY I DON'T DO THAT. 
WHICH IS WHY I'M NOT AS "IGNORANT" AS "ASSUMED."

I'm only bringing this up to make a point about assumptions. 
I have assumptions made about me all the time. 

But to assume things, that aren't even true, is kind of ignorant. 
And calling someone ignorant based on assumptions, that aren't true
is kind of ignorant. 

YET AM I THE ONE CALLING PEOPLE IGNORANT FOR DOING IT?

I'M SAYING THAT THE ACT OF DOING IT IS IGNORANT. 
I NEVER MADE IT ABOUT ANYONE BEING IGNORANT. 
AND THAT IS THE DIFFERENCE. 

But my point also is why should I have to point out that it's ignorant to do it?
AND THAT I'M NOT THE ONE FKN DOING IT!!!!
AND WHEN IT IS DONE TO ME AND I SAY I AM NOT COOL WITH IT, 
I'M EITHER:

1) TAKING IT OUT OF CONTEXT,
2) I NEED TO BE "TOLD" WHAT "IGNORANT" EVEN MEANS...
3) I'M TOLD THAT SOMETHING THAT WAS MEANT AS AN INSULT WAS "CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM" 

Or whatever else they want to say to justify fkn doing it!

Because someone called me "ignorant"
so therefore everyone must jump on me
for my "ignorance" ffs. 

DO YOU SEE ME DOING THAT SH*T?
NO? WHY IS THAT?

I DON'T DO THAT SH*T, BECAUSE IT'S FKN IGNORANT
TO FKN DO THAT SH*T. 

AND IT IS IGNORANT TO DO IT AND TRY TO JUSTIFY IT
BY TRYING TO GASLIGHT SOMEONE ABOUT CONTEXT
AND THE DEFINITION OF THE WORD, 
VS HOW IT WAS INTENDED. 

Because not only am I supposed to tolerate that sh*t, 
I'm supposed to take the INSULT as "constructive criticism" ffs. 

READ UP ON THE FACTS YOU ALREADY KNOW!!!! DA FUQ?
YOU NEED TO FKN EDUCATE YOURSELF!!!!!

IF I NEEDED TO EDUCATE MYSELF, 
I WOULDN'T HAVE ALREADY KNOWN THAT!!!! 

I'll tell you something... 
Alberta pays 14%... 
Alberta has around 11% of Canada's population!

So maybe they only want to pay 11%, only for Alberta!

Am I saying I don't care if they want to separate?
Am I saying "Let them separate?"

I could say... If they want to so fkn bad, 
maybe they should get to see what that's like. 

How feasible it would truly be to even try to do it... 

SAME FOR QUEBEC. 
OR ANY PROVINCE. 

Because if any province thinks it can make it, 
on its own, if it can, all the more power to it... 

But if it does break off from the rest of the country, 
and decided it wanted to come back, and be a part of the country, again, 
WOULD WE HAVE TO LET IT?!

IT CAN GO BOTH WAYS. 

If Alberta left Canada, 
and then wanted to come back, 
Canada could say: "Fk you, Alberta!"

Same for Quebec!

The rest of Canada could say "Fk you, Quebec!"
If Quebec were to separate, then wanted to come back.

Or if Ontario did it. Or if any other province did it. 

So now, giving you the context... 

Some people think it is okay to do that. 
And not only do they think it is okay to do that, 
IF I DID THAT, IT WOULD BE IGNORANT OF ME. 
BUT TO BE EXPECTED SINCE I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING... 

And I'm tired of telling anyone that I'm not okay with xyz
AND WHY I AM NOT OKAY WITH IT, 

AND EITHER THEY CAN'T OR DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT, 
OR THEY JUST WANT TO FKN ARGUE WITH ME
FOR THE SAKE OF ARGUING OR SOMETHING... 

AND THEY EXPECT ME TO ARGUE WITH THEM!
AND THEY EXPECT ME TO KEEP DEFENDING 
AND EXPLAINING
WHEN I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO FKN EXPLAIN IT, 
BECAUSE IT SHOULD ALREADY MAKE SENSE. 
SO MUCH SENSE
THAT IT WOULDN'T NEED TO BE EXPLAINED
BY ME OR BY ANYONE ELSE, 

NOT ONCE, LET ALONE MORE THAN ONCE. 

It would already be understood. 

What wouldn't there be NOT TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT IT?
WHAT ABOUT IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE?

WHAT ABOUT IT IS THERE TO TRY TO GASLIGHT ME ABOUT?
TO TRY TO ARGUE WITH ME ABOUT?

Since something happens to make sense, 
WHAT WOULD THERE BE TO ARGUE WITH ME ABOUT. 

WHY I DON'T APPRECIATE BEING INSULTED?
WANT TO ARGUE WITH ME ABOUT THAT?

Why insulting someone by assuming something about them
THAT ISN'T TRUE
IS IGNORANT?

AND THEN... BEING CALLED THE IGNORANT ONE?
IF I WAS THE ONE DOING IT, I'D BE IGNORANT!
I AM NOT DOING THAT!

Why would I fkn assume something about someone?
DO I NEED TO DO THAT?

BUT YET PEOPLE WANT TO ASSUME I DON'T KNOW
WHAT IGNORANT MEANS
BECAUSE I'M TOO IGNORANT TO KNOW THAT!!!! FFS!!!!

SEE WHY I KEEP A LOT OF SH*T TO MYSELF?
BECAUSE, IS THERE A POINT?

Everything I say, someone's assuming something about me. 

Whether I write a post on here, comment in there, whatever. 

It'd just be cool for people NOT to assume anything about me, period. 
It'd be cool if they realized that doing it is ignorant. 
AND IF I ASSUMED ANYTHING ABOUT THEM, 
INCLUDING WHAT THEY DO OR DON'T KNOW... 
THAT WOULD BE IGNORANT OF ME TO DO. 

SO THEM DOING IT, IS JUST AS IGNORANT
FOR THEM TO DO
AS IT WOULD BE FOR ME TO DO. 

I should not HAVE TO POINT THAT OUT. 
OR EXPLAIN THAT IN ANY WAY. 

OR HAVE TO DEFEND MYSELF BY HAVING TO EXPLAIN THAT.
YET HERE WE ARE. 

It's to the point that I ask myself WHY I EVEN STILL FKN BOTHER. 
EXPLAINING ANYTHING OR TRYING TO... 

AND IF IT MADE SENSE TO THEM, 
THEY WOULDN'T BE ARGUING SEMANTICS WITH ME. 

Or trying to "make me wrong" constantly. 

I'M "IGNORANT" THEREFORE I MUST BE WRONG, 
BECAUSE THEY ASSUME I DON'T KNOW SOMETHING... 

SEE WHERE I'M GOING WITH THAT?

And if I "happen to" know the whole fkn time
THE VERY THING I'M SUPPOSEDLY IGNORANT ABOUT, 
AM I ACTUALLY IGNORANT?
OR WAS I ASSUMED TO BE "IGNORANT?"

AND EVERYONE WHO WANTED TO CALL ME IGNORANT, 
LIKE IT WAS OKAY TO DO THAT, 
IN ANY "CERTAIN" CONTEXT... 

WHEN THEY WERE ACTUALLY WRONG, 
BECAUSE THEY ASSUMED IT, THEY DIDN'T ACTUALLY KNOW
IF I KNEW OR NOT, 
BECAUSE? DID ANYONE ASK ME IF I KNEW?
NO! THEY ASSUMED I DIDN'T KNOW!
AND TRIED TO TREAT ME LIKE I FKN DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!

AND THAT ISN'T COOL WITH ME. 

And that is an example of HERD MENTALITY. 
BECAUSE AFTER ONE PERSON DID IT, 
AND I SAID SOMETHING ABOUT IT, 
YESTERDAY, THIS OTHER GUY DID IT, TODAY. 

AFTER I WARNED PEOPLE, I AM NOT TOLERATING THAT SH*T. 

AND I WOULD APPRECIATE SOME UNDERSTANDING, AND RESPECT. 

So I wrote a post about how for a long time I didn't follow politics. 

And in this city, I have to face that exact same sh*t pretty much every day. 
People assuming sh*t about me. 

It's one of the things that bugs me. 
Not just because it's ignorant, but also because
IF I DID THAT SH*T TO FKN ANYONE, THAT WOULD BE
IGNORANT OF ME TO DO. 

So how is it any LESS ignorant if someone does the SAME sh*t to ME?
It isn't any LESS ignorant!

Do I literally have to ask for respect?!

Because of all the fkn actual ignorance I've seen... 
I didn't fkn say anything about it!

Like how a lot of people in the group are on the Carney train. 

There's something about the guy I do not like. 

While a lot of people are on the train of saying how he's going to save Canada etc. 

If he actively destroys it and puts us in a worse position, 
WHICH I AM NOT SAYING HE WILL, 
BUT IF HE DOES... 
WITH AN AGENDA HE HAD THE WHOLE TIME, 
WHOM OF THOSE SAYING HE'S "THE BEST"
ARE EVER GOING TO ADMIT THAT HE WASN'T?

AND HE WOULDN'T BE, IF HE DESTROYS US. 

But how far must someone go in "ignorance"
to be like... Willfully ignorant?

Like complete denial?

After a lot that I've seen, there are reasons that I don't think like that.

And to explain why I don't think like that is kind of pointless. 

BECAUSE WHO WOULD UNDERSTAND IT?
WHO WOULD THEN UNDERSTAND ME, BETTER
FOR UNDERSTANDING THAT ABOUT ME?
WHO WOULD EVEN LISTEN?
WHO WOULD EVEN CARE?
ABOUT WHY IT FKN BUGS ME?

Should it bug me? Why does it?
Because I'd like to reach a point
WHERE THAT SH*T DOESN'T HAPPEN, ANYMORE. 

AND THEN I CAN LOOK BACK
AT WHEN THAT SH*T USED TO HAPPEN TO ME. 

Would be nice, eh?

-------

Like nobody felt the need to "assume" anything. 
And people ASKED THINGS THEY WANTED TO KNOW. 
AND THEN TALKED ABOUT THEM, 
AND LISTENED. 
AND UNDERSTOOD. 

Understood things like:
That's an ignorant thing to do!

SINCE BEING IGNORANT IS THE INSULT
INTENDED FOR ME... 
DOING THAT, ASSUMING ABOUT ME... 
THAT BEING IGNORANT, WHY DO IT?
WHY NOT AVOID BEING IGNORANT
BY NOT DOING THAT?

KIND OF LIKE HOW I WASN'T DOING IT
BECAUSE THAT'S SOMETHING I WAS ALREADY TAUGHT
NOT TO DO, 
BECAUSE IT'S FKN IGNORANT TO DO!

And that's not even about having MANNERS!!!!
Sort of, but not even about that!!!

IT'S ABOUT UNDERSTANDING WHY DOING IT
IS IGNORANT. 

Because when someone understands why it is ignorant to do, 
MAYBE THEY REALIZE WHY THEY SHOULDN'T!
SINCE BEING "IGNORANT" IS SUCH A BIG THING
THAT IT'S A BIG THING WHEN SOMEONE WANTS TO ASSUME THAT I AM. 

ABOUT SOMETHING I ALREADY KNEW!

So why should I need to educate myself about something I already knew?
Just because someone assumed I didn't know that?

THEY SEE SOMEONE JUMPING ON ME WITH AN ASSUMPTION,
AND THEY DID IT, TOO!

DOES THAT MAKE THEM LESS IGNORANT? NO!
JUST AS IGNORANT!
AS THE FIRST PERSON WHO DID IT. 
AS THE PERSON THEY SAW DOING IT,
AND THEN TRIED TO GASLIGHT ME ABOUT THE CONTEXT. 

That sh*t bugs me. 

SHOULD I GO AROUND DOING IT?
OR WOULD THAT BE IGNORANT OF ME?

Do you get my point, though?

What also bugs me about even having to make a point, 
IS THAT I HAVE TO FIND MANY WAYS
OF MAKING THE SAME POINT. 

BECAUSE IF I TRY TO MAKE A POINT IN ONE WAY, 
AND THEY DON'T GET THE POINT
IF I MAKE IT THAT WAY... 

TRYING ANOTHER WAY TO MAKE THE SAME POINT, 
MIGHT CLICK. 

Here's an example of that... 

There was a guy I dated a long time ago. 
We were watching a show. 

In the show, the kid was crying.. 
And he couldn't seem to understand why the kid was crying. 

So trying to explain it one way, he didn't get it. 
Explained to him another way, he got it. 

But what bugged me was when I was trying to explain other things to him... 
HE'D THINK I WAS LYING, 
BECAUSE "MY STORY CHANGED."

When the only thing that changed was how I told him
THE SAME FACTS THAT WERE ALL TRUE, 
THE SAME FACTS I KEPT TELLING HIM, 
BUT IF I TOLD HIM IN ANOTHER WAY, 
MAYBE IT WOULD BE EASIER TO FKN UNDERSTAND. 

THE FACTS NEVER CHANGED. 
THE WAY I TRIED TO EXPLAIN IT TO HIM, DID, 
BECAUSE IF HE UNDERSTOOD ME, THE FIRST TIME, 
I WOULDN'T HAVE TO FKN REPEAT MYSELF. 

WHICH I ALSO FKN HATE. 

And communication is important
BUT COMPREHENSION IS KEY. 

Because you can tell people things, 
BUT IF THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU, 
AND IF THEY AREN'T EVEN TRYING TO UNDERSTAND YOU, 
AND THEY THINK THAT ASSUMING THINGS ABOUT YOU
IS ALL THEY NEED TO DO, 
ARE THEY GOING TO UNDERSTAND?
Will they?

So then talking to someone who doesn't understand you, at all, 
DOES WHAT?

Are you able to accomplish anything together? 
like you could have, if THEY DID UNDERSTAND?

Are you able to make any PROGRESS?

No? Not likely?

Not much? If any?

I'd rather fkn go it ALONE
THAN FKN GO BACKWARDS WITH ANYONE
OR BECAUSE OF ANYONE. 

If we're not making any progress, 
IS THERE A POINT IN GOING FORWARD?
OR TRYING TO GO FORWARD?
FOR THE SAKE OF TRYING?
FOR THE SAKE OF WANTING TO TRY?
WHY?
FOR WHAT?

That's where I've been at... 
WANTING TO MOVE FORWARD... 
WANTING TO MAKE PROGRESS. 
WANTING UNDERSTANDING. 
WANTING BARE MIN RESPECT. 

But from my experiences, 
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TRUST ANYONE?
NOT TO XYZ?

And the more I say anything about why I'm not cool with xyz, 
the more I seem to lose "friends."

And what bugs me is whatever help or whatever I was
supposed to do for someone, 
I can't do those things, for them. 

So whatever they were supposed to receive from me, 
they don't get that. 

Because when there is something I'm supposed to do for someone, 
I might not know what it is, 
BUT I CAN FEEL IT, IN MY SOUL. 

THAT'S WHY I HANG IN FOR AS LONG AS I DO.
OFTEN AT MY OWN EXPENSE. 

Someone I used to talk to regularly, who I thought was a friend,
randomly blocked me, today. 

SAID NOTHING TO ME ABOUT WHY OR WHATEVER, 
JUST DID IT, 
AS THOUGH I MEANT NOTHING TO HIM. 

AND I SHOULD BE USED TO THAT,  BY NOW. 

MAYBE I POSTED SOMETHING HE DIDN'T LIKE. 
I DON'T KNOW. 

MAYBE HE ASSUMED SOMETHING, TOO. 
INSTEAD OF JUST ASKING ME. 

But, yes, I am disappointed.
Didn't think he would do that, but whatever. 
At least I didn't do that to him. 

I often feel like I don't have any actual friends. 
I know a bunch of people. 
I'm acquainted with some people... 

BUT WHO DO I KNOW... WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS ME?

Maybe some people THINK they know me, 
but do they?

DO THEY REALLY KNOW ME?

But what I won't do is try to defend myself to anyone. 
IF THEY WANT TO WALK AWAY FROM ME, 
WHATEVER THE REASON, 
THEY CAN DO IT!

WHETHER OR NOT I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY FRIEND. 
WHETHER OR NOT I WISH THEY ACTUALLY WERE. 
WHETHER OR NOT A LOT OF THINGS. 

But why should I put whatever I've got into anyone
WHO'S JUST GOING TO BOUNCE?
WITHOUT EVEN SAYING A WORD.

Do they have to say anything to bounce? No. 
THEY ARE ALLOWED TO BOUNCE, 
IF THAT IS WHAT THEY WANT. 

Should I be surprised if they do?
Their choice!

Sometimes I feel like just fkn deleting the whole damn thing, again. 
I did it once. I deleted fkn Facebook. For a few years. 
I don't remember why I opened a new account. 

SOMETIMES I REGRET OPENING A NEW ACCOUNT. 

NOT LIKE I'M DOING MUCH OF ANYTHING PRODUCTIVE ON THERE. 

Just another way for people to assume sh*t about me etc. 

I just wish they wouldn't! But that's asking for way too much. 

It's not just that they assume whatever they assumed about me, 
IT'S THAT THEY TRY TO TREAT ME A TYPE OF WAY
WHEN THEY DO THAT. 
And not only that, they try to justify it. 

Like the assumption they made, that may not even be the case, 
WAS ENOUGH JUSTIFICATION ON ITS OWN
TO TREAT ME HOWEVER THEY THINK IS COOL
OR FINE TO TREAT ME. 

"She's ignorant, so it's okay to treat her like she's ignorant."
That type of sh*t. 

She's this, she's that... So it's okay to treat her like this, like that. 

AND IF I NEVER WAS THIS OR THAT?
IS IT STILL OKAY TO TREAT ME LIKE THIS OR THAT?

That's why it bugs me. 

ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY REALIZE
OR IF THEY REALIZE
THAT I NEVER DESERVED THAT SH*T. 

But if they do realize it, it happens when it's too fkn late
TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. 

I wait for a really fkn long time, 
I give people lots of chances to get their head out of their @ss. 

TO GET SH*T RIGHT. 
TO LEVEL UP.
TO TAKE SH*T SERIOUSLY. 

I pretty much wait until I fkn can't anymore. 
Until I realize there isn't anything to wait for. 
Waiting for something, is something. 
Waiting for nothing, is something else. 

-------

Anyway, there's a lot of movies that are coming out this year. 

There's going to be a new Farris Bueler movie. 
A new Edward Scissorhands movie, 
A new Addams Family movie, 

and a few more I saw... 

I think a sequel of Billy Madison is coming, too. 

I never saw the first one. 

There are lots of movies from the last 10 years or more
that I haven't seen. 

A lot of shows, too. 

I don't watch very much mainstream stuff, honestly. 

I don't know why. Just not a priority, I guess. 
If it was, I'd have seen them all lol, but it's not. 

There was a movie buff guy I used to talk with. 
He only seemed to want to talk about movies, 
and I couldn't talk with him about movies, 
because 99.9% of the movies he saw
AND COLLECTED, 
I never saw, and some I never even heard of. 

----------

Back to the topic of politics for a moment... 
Almost ready to call it a night... 

That politics group I'm in... 

They are totally against Pierre. 
I haven't said anything in his defense
BECAUSE I'VE ALREADY SEEN
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I SAY ANYTHING
IN MY OWN DEFENSE. 

AND THEY ALREADY HAVE THEIR MINDS MADE UP
ABOUT THE GUY. 

They are trying to pick apart his "response" to Carney's speech at Davos. 

Supposedly, they see it as "the greatest speech" 
And it was about Canada standing up to Trump for itself, etc... 
And all this and all that about the speech Carney made... 

And then, they are saying that Pierre is trying to make everything
and anything into his "come back tour."

And that all he does is "make noise and agitate."

THEY SAY ALL THAT SH*T, 
WHEN WHO WAS THE ONE PUSHING FOR JAIL, NOT BAIL?
WAS IT CARNEY? 

There are some things he did that I don't agree with... 
He put soldiers at risk by divulging sensitive info. 

I don't know the whole story behind that, but he did something
along those lines. 

If you know the story about it, feel free to tell me. 

The point is that he shouldn't have done that. 
It's not smart, as a potential leader, to do that. 

Another thing I saw was that the healthcare in Ontario
is only set to increase funds by 2%. 
The costs are like 6%. 
So there are going to be massive cuts, in healthcare. 

They say it's predicted to be as bad as when Harris was making cuts. 
When he was making cuts, 
he made a cut to water testing. 
And then we ended up getting fkn ecoli in Walkerton, Ontario. 

I've been to Walkerton, Ontario. 
It's not a huge place. 

A lot of people got seriously ill from that. 

Somewhere around Walkerton, Ontario, 
there are Mennonites. 

I know this because there were some Mennonites on the bus. 
Which was surprising because I thought they were against
modern tech and transport. 

But maybe there's a difference between Mennonites and Amish people
that I'm missing somewhere. 

So when they jump on Pierre, I don't say anything.
IF I DID, THEY WOULD JUMP ON ME FOR SAYING IT. 

BECAUSE TO THEM, HE'S THIS OR THAT. 
EASY FOR THEM TO ASSUME WHATEVER ABOUT HIM, 
AND ABOUT HIS INTENTIONS... 
ABOUT HIS CAPABILITIES, 
ABOUT ANYTHING ABOUT HIM. 

There is a specific person who would get my vote, 
if he were to run. 

I don't think he will, but if he ever did, I'd totally support him. 

He's a Canadian, who has had a media job, for years... 
He was a host, even. 

Can you guess who he is?
His initials are G.S.

Would be cool to have him as our Prime Minister. 
He's someone respectful, respectable, reasonable... 
Smart... A lot to like and trust about the guy. 

That's who I would pick to be Prime Minister of Canada. 

If you could pick anyone to be the Prime Minister of Canada, 
as long as they are a Canadian... 
From any walk of life... Anyone famous or otherwise... 
Anyone, even non-politicians... 
WHO WOULD YOU PICK TO BE THE PRIME MINISTER OF CANADA?

There's something about Carney I do not like and do not trust. 
I can't say exactly what it is about him, 
but there is something.

There are lots of people who love the guy and trust him
TO SAVE CANADA, FROM ITSELF... 

THEY ARE HAPPY ABOUT HIM. 

If he turns out to be as great as they think he is, cool. 

There is something about him that I just do not trust. 
Not when it comes to Canada. 
Canada's future. 

Should I trust anyone when it comes to Canada's future?

I heard someone say that one of the reasons they want us to
switch to EVs is because then he can put in charging stations everywhere
for the EVs and when people charge their EVs, 
the money for charging them will go to the business owned by the PM. 

HE'S A BANKER.
WHAT DO BANKERS CARE ABOUT?
MONEY!
YOU THINK HE'S GOING TO PASS UP
ANY OPPORTUNITY TO CAPITALIZE, IF HE CAN?
MAYBE HE'LL GIVE HIMSELF A RAISE, 
LIKE TRUDEAU DID. 

Anyway, I'm going to try to sleep. Goodnight.

Not Even 2 Weeks...

The other night, my brother sent me like 3 messages, 
back to back. 

I haven't replied, yet. 

It hasn't even been 2 full weeks. 
It's like he's trying to come back to my place, 
to stay with me AGAIN. 

I think it has something to do with our mother, too. 
SHE HAD 2 WEEKS WITHOUT MY BROTHER THERE. 

AND WHEN I WAS TO HAVE A FULL NIGHT TO MYSELF, 
MY BROTHER WAS TEXTING ME|
TO RUSH ME BACK HOME
SO HE COULD COME BACK
WHEN HE F*CKING WANTED TO. 
F*CK WHAT I WANT, RIGHT?

AND MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO WAIT ALL FKN DAY
FOR HIM JUST TO WAKE UP. 
LIKE GET TF UP, GET SH*T DONE. 

IT'S NOT A FKN VACATION. 
THIS IS NOT A FKN HOTEL. 

So I didn't reply to his texts, yet. 

He's only texting me because he wants to come back here. 
AND HE DOES NOT GAF
THAT I DON'T WANT TO BE FKN USED. 
ESPECIALLY BY MY OWN FKN FAMILY. 

HE WAS SLEEPING ALL FKN DAY, 
AND AWAKE ALL FKN NIGHT. 
I WAS GETTING BARELY ANY SLEEP. 
I WAS GETTING FKN NOTHING DONE, 
NOT A LOT I COULD DO WITH HIM HERE 24/7.

And my neighbor was kind of whining about it. 

He came up to smoke with my brother and I, once. 

But when my neighbor got sick... 
He pinpointed it down to helping one neighbor, 
because he says:
"I wasn't around anyone for like 3 weeks..."

Like rubbing it in that I was "unavailable"
and it'd been weeks... 

Never said he couldn't come up to smoke when he was here. 

My brother saw his flirty ways firsthand. 

Being a female can get annoying. 
Some dudes will do things or try to do things
THEY WOULD NOT PULL WITH ANOTHER DUDE!
JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE A FEMALE!

That sh*t bugs me! I wish they'd stop that sh*t!

Some females really fkn hate that sh*t. 

WHY DO IT IF IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK?
IF IT JUST GETS UNDER THEIR SKIN?

IF DOING IT IS LIKE SLAMMING A DOOR
IN YOUR OWN FACE?

Anyway, the reason why I think my mom
is trying to send my brother back here... 

Is because she never wanted any of us around, period. 
Neither did her husband. 

He made her choose between him and me, once. 

OF COURSE SHE CHOSE HIM. 

I DGAF, THOUGH.

But anyway... When my brother was trying to rush me
BACK HOME
WHEN I WAS OUT DOING SOMETHING
I NEEDED TO DO FOR MYSELF... 

AND WAS TEXTING ME LIKE BANANAS... 
"WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO BE BACK?"
AND INSTEAD OF ACCEPTING 9 OR 10
BECAUSE I WANTED TO STAY OUT FOR A BIT... 
AND IT WAS GOING TO TAKE A WHILE TO GET BACK, TOO...

HE WAS TRYING TO HURRY ME BACK!

"CAN YOU GET BACK BEFORE THAT?"
"CAN YOU GET YOUR FRIEND TO COME TO YOUR PLACE?"

WTF?! CAN I NOT FKN GO OUT?
FOR ONE NIGHT?

And he was asking me when I was coming back... 
BECAUSE "MOM WANTS TO KNOW."

HOW TF IS IT HER BUSINESS WHEN?
SHE WANTED TO KNOW
BECAUSE SHE WANTED MY BROTHER OUT
AND TO PUSH HIM ONTO ME!

LIKE IT WAS MY RESPONSIBILITY
SOMEHOW TO BE FKN HOME
WHEN SHE WANTED ME TO BE
SO MY BROTHER HAS SOMEWHERE ELSE TO FKN BE!!!!!!

SEE? HOW THEY FKN TREAT ME?!
SEE WHY I WAS FKN MAD ABOUT IT?

SEE WHY I HAVE NOT REPLIED YET?
SEE WHY I DON'T WANT TO JUST JUMP TO REPLY?
JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT SOMETHING?
WOULD THEY TEXT ME IF THEY DIDN'T?
WOULD THEY CALL TO SAY HI?
TO ASK ME HOW I'M DOING?
IF I NEED ANYTHING?

MAYBE I NEED TO BE LEFT ALONE!
INSTEAD OF BEING TREATED LIKE THAT!

MAYBE BEING TREATED LIKE THAT
MAKES ME NOT WANT TO REPLY TO MESSAGES. 
MAKES ME NOT WANT TO JUST JUMP
AT ANYONE'S FKN WHIMS/DESIRES. 

BECAUSE HAS ANYONE FKN CARED ABOUT
WHAT I WANT?

WHEN I WANT TO JUST NOT BE TREATED LIKE THAT!!!!!
BY ANYONE!!!!!
ESPECIALLY FAMILY!!!!!

He's my brother, sure I care about him... 

BUT CARING ABOUT HIM DOES NOT MEAN
THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE EXPECTED
TO DROP EVERYTHING FOR EVERYONE ALL THE TIME. 
I DON'T ASK ANYONE TO DROP EVERYTHING FOR ME. 
AND I CAN'T EVER JUST EXPECT ANYONE TO DO IT.
JUST BECAUSE I WANT THEM TO. 
IT DOESN'T FKN WORK LIKE THAT. 
THEY AREN'T HERE TO BE CONTROLLED, 
JUST BECAUSE I WANT SOMETHING. 

For the most part, I don't want very fkn much. 

The very few things I wanted... 
SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN ASKING FOR TOO MUCH. 

Yes, it p*ssed me off to be treated like
ASKING FOR THE VERY BARE MIN
WAS ASKING FOR TOO MUCH. 

ESPECIALLY WHILE EXPECTING IT FROM ME!!!!

LIKE EXPECTING MY LOYALTY
BUT BEING ANYTHING BUT LOYAL TO ME!!!!!!!

Like anything one-sided... 
Like anything double-standard... 
FK THAT SH*T. 

BUT THEY JUST EXPECTED ME TO ALWAYS BE THERE, 
ALWAYS GIVE THEM CHANCES, 
ALWAYS GIVE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT,
ALWAYS FORGIVE, 
ALWAYS LOOK THE OTHER WAY, 
ALWAYS ACCEPT BS, 
ALWAYS ACCEPT LESS THAN I DESERVE.

And by what I deserve... 
I'm not saying I'm all "this or that" or PERFECT, 
BUT AT LEAST THERE ARE THINGS I CAN SAY
THAT ANYONE CAN SAY
ABOUT ME
IF THEY KNEW ME
ABOUT WHAT KIND OF A PERSON I AM. 
AND WHAT KIND OF A PERSON I'M NOT. 

"Mom's asking..."
Yeah... I bet she fkn is... 

It's been a vacation from you, with her husband. 

And if it's not her, just her, it's him, too. 
HE'LL BE A SH*T UNTIL YOU CANNOT FKN TOLERATE IT
AND WANT TO BE AWAY FROM HIM. 

BECAUSE HE IS THAT SELFISH. 
AND THAT IMMATURE. 

He pushes people. 
They both do. 

TO GET REACTIONS.
AND THEY BLAME YOU FOR YOUR REACTION. 
TO THEIR BS. 

THAT IS PART OF WHY I DON'T WANT TO BE AROUND THEM. 
THAT IS WHY THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH OF THEM
I CAN TOLERATE. 

AND HOW SHOULD IT BE MY PROBLEM, 
IF HE WANTS TO BE A D*CK?
AND MY BROTHER CAN'T STAND IT?

IS THAT MY PROBLEM?
OH WAIT! SINCE I HAVE MY OWN PLACE, 
APPARENTLY IT IS!
BECAUSE I'M EXPECTED TO JUST BE HOME
WHEN THEY WANT ME TO BE HOME
AND SACRIFICE ALL MY TIME FOR THEM
AND MY PLANS FOR THEM
JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT ME TO DO THAT?!

AND EXPECT ME TO BE COOL WITH IT?!

I don't live with them for a reason. For lots of reasons. 

Even the way they treat me, now, 
THEY USED TO TREAT ME WORSE WHEN I WAS AT HOME!

SO YEAH, I WANTED TF OUT!
I GOT OUT!
OR I WOULDN'T HAVE WANTED TO LEAVE!
RIGHT?!

So if they wanted me to think better of them, 
THEY COULD HAVE TREATED ME BETTER!!!!!!
WITH RESPECT!!!!!

NOT JUST EXPECT ME TO BE THERE!!!! FOR THEM!!!!
WHO TF IS THERE FOR ME? ANYONE?
BARELY SHOW UP FOR ME... 
BUT I'M SUPPOSED TO COME HOME EARLY
BECAUSE YOU WANT TO RUSH ME BACK HOME
BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE AT MY PLACE?
FOR SOMEWHERE ELSE TO BE?
TO ESCAPE THERE?

BUT HOW DARE I NOT WANT TO KEEP
PUTTING MY LIFE ON HOLD FOR EVERYONE!!!!
LIKE I'M SUPPOSED TO ALL THE FKN TIME!!!!
LIKE I HAVE DONE ALL THE FKN TIME!!!!

I'm a "bad" sister if I don't want to jump AT REQUESTS
AND EXPECTATIONS AND BE EXPECTED TO DO THAT.

I DON'T NEED ANYONE TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD
OR GUILTY FOR NOT WANTING TO. 

IF THEY TAKE ME FOR GRANTED, WHY TF SHOULD I WANT TO?!
JUST TO DO IT?
AS EXPECTED?
JUST BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT?

WHEN THEY NEVER GAF ABOUT WHAT I WANT?

Like not even a full 2 weeks and he's trying to come back here. 

Yeah, a break from being over there. That's all I am. 
SOMEWHERE ELSE TO BE.

And I have to sacrifice my plans, put my plans on hold... 
Bend over backwards all the time... 

AND BE EXPECTED TO!!!!
I DO NOT WANT TO BE EXPECTED TO!!!!

THAT IS THE POINT!
I AM EXPECTED TO AND WHEN I DON'T WANT TO, 
I'M THE BAD PERSON FOR NOT GIVING THEM WHAT THEY WANTED.

LIKE I WAS FKN OBLIGATED TO!!!

AND I GET TREATED LIKE SH*T FOR NOT WANTING TO!
SHOULDN'T I HAVE A RIGHT NOT TO WANT TO?

MAYBE IF THERE WAS RESPECT, I'D WANT TO!

MAYBE IF I WASN'T FKN EXPECTED TO, I'D WANT TO!
MAYBE IF THEY WEREN'T TRYING TO FKN RUSH ME HOME
BECAUSE THEY WANTED ME TO BE BACK
TO LET THEM STAY WITH ME

WHEN I SHOULDN'T BE FKN EXPECTED TO!
THAT P*SSED ME OFF!

His last message "Let me know if you get this A***."

I did get it, I read it, my phone died, I charged it, 
I went to bed, woke up, decided to do some stuff... 

Kind of like when I called you a few times,
after I moved in here, for you to come over to help me do something, 
I've kept mentioning that you still fkn haven't done for me, 
even after staying at my place for 2 weeks like a fkn hotel. 

AND WHEN I CALLED YOU, 
DID YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?
DID YOU CALL ME BACK?
DID YOU TALK TO ME FOR MONTHS?

NO... ONLY WHEN YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF THERE, RIGHT?
ONLY WHEN YOU NEED SOMEWHERE TO STORE YOUR STUFF?

AND I WAS EXPECTED TO SAY YES!
IF I SAID "NO, I'M NOT A FKN STORAGE UNIT,
I DON'T WANT TO BE USED AS ONE..."
I WOULD BE A B*TCH!!!!!!
BECAUSE HE DIDN'T GET TO STORE HIS SH*T HERE
LIKE HE FKN WANTED TO!!!!!
AND HE'D GET ALL P*SSY ABOUT IT. 

BECAUSE HE LIKES GETTING WHAT HE WANTS. 
HE DOESN'T LIKE NOT GETTING WHAT HE WANTS.

HE WANTED AN INSTANT REPLY. 
HE DIDN'T GET IT. 

THE INSTANT REPLY WAS EXPECTED, FROM ME. 
BECAUSE HE WANTED IT, FROM ME. 

FROM SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT GAF ABOUT WHAT I WANT!

WHEN WHAT I WANT IS NOT TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT!

That's why I'm making him wait. 
Because he doesn't have to have what he wants all the time. 

ESPECIALLY TAKING ME FOR GRANTED LIKE THEY ALL DO!
NOT CONSIDERING ME, LIKE USUAL!

AND PEOPLE BEING FAKE TO ME, THEY THINK I CAN'T FKN SEE THAT!

AND TO THINK I'D WANT TO BE AROUND THAT?

I DON'T WANT TO CONSTANTLY GIVE TO PEOPLE
WHO JUST FKN EXPECT ME TO RUSH HOME
BECAUSE THEY WANT ME TO!!!!!

But I'm the "older sister" the one who HAS TO CARE
ALL THE TIME, AND BE CARING, AND BE KIND, 
AND BE GIVING, AND BE THERE, 
AND GET SHOVED ASIDE, AND IGNORED, 
TO MY FACE, EVEN... 

AND SMILE LIKE I ENJOY THAT SH*T... 
LIKE I'M HAPPY TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT, I'M NOT!

SHOULD I BE HAPPY ABOUT IT?

MY OWN FAMILY DOING THAT SH*T?

BECAUSE I MAKE SH*T TOO EASY
AND CONVENIENT FOR THEM... 
SO THEY EXPECT IT TO BE, I GUESS... 
WITH  NO REGARD TO ME.... 
AS TO WHAT MY PLANS ARE,
AS TO WHAT I WANTED... 

JUST TO MAKE MYSELF AVAILABLE, ALL THE TIME.

BUT WHEN I ASK FOR ANYTHING, EVEN ONE THING, 
THAT ONE THING, THAT I WANTED, 
NEVER FKN MATTERS!!!!!!

Not even on my BIRTHDAY!!!!

My brother did get me cake and mac n' cheese for dinner... 
Like a casserole style, not in the box... 
And we added extra cheese to it... 

That's one of the things I wanted. 

Of all the things I do and am I expected to do for everyone... 
Was that the least? 
Like I never ask for much, but when I do... 
Especially when I ask certain people
ESPECIALLY WHEN IT IS SOMETHING SMALL
SOMETHING VERY FKN SMALL... 
SOMETHING THAT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ANYTHING, 
JUST TO DO FOR ME... 

Like once, on my birthday, I wanted to watch a movie with my mother. 
I wanted to just get high and watch Cheech n' Chong. 
ON MY BIRTHDAY. 

NOT A RADICAL THING TO WANT
ON MY BIRTHDAY, 

BUT DID WE "GET TO" WATCH IT?
NO!
BECAUSE MY MOM DIDN'T WANT TO!
EVEN THOUGH SHE KNEW I FKN DID!
AND TO WATCH A MOVIE WITH ME
ON MY BIRTHDAY
WOULD HAVE BEEN WHAT TO HER?

AS AN EXAMPLE.

MANY THINGS LIKE THIS. 

IT BUGS ME. 

BUT WHENEVER ANYONE WANTS SOMETHING, 
I'M SUPPOSED TO DROP EVERYTHING!!!!!

SO HE WANTS TO COME OVER BECAUSE HE IS
THINKING OF HIMSELF. 

SHE WANTS HIM TO COME OVER BECAUSE SHE IS
THINKING OF HERSELF. 

I'M THE STORAGE UNIT, OTHER PLACE TO BE!

NOT SOMEONE WITH THEIR OWN LIFE!

AND WHEN I ASK FOR FKN ANYTHING, EVER, 
WTF DO I EVER GET? ANYTHING?
DO I EVEN GET TO WATCH THE MOVIE
I WANTED TO WATCH ON MY FKN BIRTHDAY?

I get little to no effort from anyone... 

WHEN THEY KNOW I WANT SOMETHING, 
EVEN SOMETHING SMALL, 
THEY'LL GO OUT OF THEIR WAY
TO MAKE SURE I DON'T FKN GET TO HAVE
THE VERY SMALL THING I WANTED. 

And really, if they go out of their way about it.... 

THEY CAN GO FK THEMSELVES!

LIKE NOTHING I EVER DO FOR ANYONE IS ANYTHING?
ANYTHING THAT THEY CAN'T JUST LET ME
WATCH THE FKN MOVIE?
I WANTED TO WATCH 
ON MY BIRTHDAY?

Can I have ONE day that I CAN WANT something?

BECAUSE EVERY OTHER FKN DAY NOBODY GAF
WHAT I WANT!
THEY ONLY CARE ABOUT WHAT THEY WANT!!!!

BECAUSE THEY DO NOT THINK ABOUT ME, PERIOD!
APPARENTLY, NOT EVEN ON MY BIRTHDAY!

Is wanting to watch a movie WANTING TOO FKN MUCH?
ON MY BIRTHDAY?
THE ONE DAY I SHOULD BE ALLOWED
TO WANT SOMETHING?
ONE SMALL FKN THING?

So this is why I don't even fkn bother. 

IF I WANT TO DO WHAT I WANT ON MY BIRTHDAY, 
THE ONE DAY I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO WANT
VERY SMALL THINGS... 

LIKE TO GET HIGH AND WATCH "UP IN SMOKE"
OR SOMETHING SIMPLE LIKE THAT... 

I HAVE TO SPEND IT BY MYSELF.

BECAUSE NOBODY GAF ABOUT WHAT I WANT.
THE VERY SMALL THINGS. 

SO WHY FKN ASK ANYONE ANYMORE?
EVEN ON MY FKN BIRTHDAY!
IF THEY EVEN REMEMBER WHEN IT IS!

BECAUSE WHY SHOULD THEY CARE?
ABOUT ANYTHING ABOUT ME?

My neighbor even went as far as to argue with me
ABOUT MY AGE. 

HE WAS SO CONVINCED THAT HE WAS RIGHT
HE WAS TRYING TO CONVINCE ME
THAT HE WAS RIGHT ABOUT MY OWN AGE FFS. 

RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY BROTHER. 

When I told him that I am 42, now... 

He wanted to argue and actually said... 
"No, you were 40 and now you're 41..." WTF?!

I LITERALLY TOLD YOU MY ACTUAL AGE, 
AND YOU WANT TO TELL ME THAT I'M NOT? WTF?

MY BROTHER HEARD HIM DO IT!
HE WAS HERE WHEN HE DID THAT!

WHY ARGUE WITH ME ABOUT MY OWN AGE?
TO BE "RIGHT"?
ABOUT SOMETHING YOU'RE NOT RIGHT ABOUT?

LIKE I CAN'T BE RIGHT ABOUT MY OWN ACTUAL AGE?
DA FUQ?

That's the kind of BS, man. It bugs me. 

MAYBE RESPECT ME ENOUGH THAT WHEN I TELL YOU
MY ACTUAL AGE, YOU DON'T TRY TO ARGUE IT. 
YOU DON'T TRY TO CONVINCE ME OF SOMETHING
THAT ISN'T THE CASE. 
YOU BELIEVE ME THE FIRST TIME I TELL YOU. 
YOU ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE WRONG ABOUT ME.

The same guy who said to me:
"I came to realize that I need you as my GIRLFRIEND."

THE SAME GUY WHO'S THE SAME AGE AS MY MOM.

WHICH I'VE TOLD HIM MORE THAN ONCE. 
AND ACTS LIKE IT'S SURPRISING NEWS EACH TIME. 

I REMIND HIM OF IT WHEN HE TRIES TO ACT
LIKE HE'S ANYTHING OTHER THAN MY NEIGHBOR. 

I don't like it. 

I know I have to reply to my brother, but I want time to myself. 

My Brother Went Back

I have my space to myself again. 
I'm finally getting my work done
and I'm feeling less stressed out... 
I GOT DECENT SLEEP LAST NIGHT, FINALLY.

My brother went back to our folks' place the other day. 
Yesterday. 
I got decent sleep last night. 
I'm starting to feel better.

I had a productive night, tonight. 
I got most of my course recorded tonight. 

I got the code I wanted to include with it, fixed.

I have to go over it, again, tomorrow, to finalize some stuff. 
Before I put anything out... 

But I will include a bunch of stuff with it... 

So I am getting stuff together for it, now, 
and finalizing stuff etc, tomorrow. 

I feel like I lost like the last 2 weeks... 
I didn't get done what I wanted to get done. 

So now, I'm trying to catch up on the stuff that I want to do. 
Been wanting to do, for myself. 

I feel pretty good about where it's going... 

And I really like the stuff I have built and am building, 
and the stuff I will build, I'm excited about. 

It's just tiring when I'm tired... 
And waiting for my time and space to do it. 

WHEN I AM WORKING ON SOMETHING, 
I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE TO WORK ON IT.

That has nothing to do with anyone. 

I just can't be there, taking care of other people
(who aren't putting in the work)
AND DO MY WORK AT THE SAME TIME.

AND I OFTEN SACRIFICE THE THINGS I WANT
BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE JUST EXPECT ME TO
WHEN THEY WANT SOMETHING FROM ME.

LEAVING ME DRAINED, TIRED, AND BEHIND
IN MY PLANS. 

Anyway, I feel a bit more caught up, now. 
When I really feel behind and that I lost time... 
WHEN I COULD HAVE BEEN DOING STUFF... 
I FEEL KIND OF AGGRAVATED WITH MYSELF. 

BECAUSE I WANT TO GET SH*T DONE!
I WANT TO GET SOME RESULTS!
I DON'T LIKE WAITING FOR ANYONE!
PEOPLE EXPECTING ME TO WAIT DRIVE ME NUTS!

If I could balance it, that'd be something. 
BUT I'M OFTEN PUTTING PEOPLE ABOVE ME.
AND OFTEN THEY DON'T RESPECT ME, EVEN.

Just really tired of even being around anyone. 
ESPECIALLY BEING AROUND PEOPLE
WHO EXPECT ME TO JUST BE AROUND
BECAUSE THEY WANT SOMETHING FROM ME. 

I DO NOT LIKE THAT FEELING. 

IT DOESN'T FEEL GOOD. 

BEING AROUND PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT ANYTHING
FROM YOU
FEELS DIFFERENT. 

It feels different in a good way, but it kind of feels weird, 
because usually most people want something. 

BECAUSE THEY ARE THINKING OF THEMSELVES,
NOT THINKING OF YOU. 

OR THEY'D CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT. 

LIKE MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO BE KEPT UP ALL NIGHT. 
AND I DON'T WANT TO WAIT FOR YOU ALL DAY.

I WANT TO DO MY OWN THINGS, TOO. 

I DON'T WANT TO BE DRAINED OF MY TIME, 
MY RESOURCES, MY ENERGY, 
MY KINDNESS. 
OF ANYTHING. 

I JUST DON'T. 

ANYONE WHO DOES THAT SH*T, 
I DO NOT WANT TO BE AROUND!

I need my solitude to GET SH*T DONE. 
TO THINK, TO REST, TO PLAN, 
AND GET SH*T DONE...

---------------------------------

I had to think about some sh*t... 
Because I've been asking myself WHY 

WHY IS IT SO "HARD"
FOR SOME PEOPLE
LIKE MIRROR SMASHER
TO GET THEIR HEADS OUT OF THEIR @SSES.

Some people REFUSE to change
BECAUSE THEY ARE AFRAID OF CHANGE.
SO SCARED OF IT
THAT THEY REFUSE IT.

IF THEY WEREN'T, 
THEY'D EMBRACE IT, RIGHT?

THERE'D NEVER BE ANY TRUTH
IN ANY APOLOGY I'D EVER GET FROM HIM, EVER.

AND ANY "APOLOGY"
IS BECAUSE THEY DON'T LIKE "REJECTION"
BECAUSE IT "HURTS" THEIR "EGO/PRIDE."
IT DOESN'T HURT THEIR FEELINGS.
IT'S EGO AND PRIDE THEY PUT ABOVE EVEN FEELINGS.
WHY WOULD THEY THINK ABOUT FEELINGS?
ESPECIALLY MINE?
UNLESS THEY WANTED TO TRY TO "HURT MY FEELINGS"
INTENTIONALLY...

BECAUSE THAT'S ALL THAT WAS.

OR? THEY'D CARE ABOUT MY FEELINGS?
BECAUSE MY FEELINGS WOULD MATTER?
BUT? THEY NEVER DO!

The only reason fake people want to be around real people
IS TO TRY TO ACT LIKE THEM
SO THEY CAN ACT REAL TO FOOL REAL PEOPLE.
TO TRY TO USE THEM. 

BECAUSE WHY WOULD THEY EVER JUST BE REAL?
IF THEY COULD TRY TO GET SOMETHING?

FAKE PEOPLE WILL TRY TO ACT REAL
TO GET SOMETHING THEY WANT.

OR THEY WOULD JUST BE FKN REAL
FOR THE SAKE OF BEING REAL.
BECAUSE WTF DO THEY WANT?
WHAT DO THEY EVER FKN ASK FOR?
WHAT DO THEY EVER TRY TO GET
BY JUST BEING REAL?

That is the difference. 

The difference is that I was never willing to do
any of the things he did to me, 

BECAUSE WHY WOULD I HAVE DONE THAT?!

AND IF HE LIKES ANYTHING ABOUT ME
IT'S THAT HE KNEW THAT I WOULDN'T. 

But knowing that... 
WOULD YOU NOT APPRECIATE THAT?
FOR WHAT THAT WAS?

When you convince yourself that something WORKS
FOR SO LONG...
WHY CHANGE?

UNTIL YOU REALIZE IT DOESN'T WORK?

UNTIL SOMEONE WHO WAS SETTLING FOR THAT
REALIZES WHY TF WAS I SETTLING FOR THAT?
WHEN I DESERVED BETTER THE WHOLE TIME?

I DESERVED FOR IT NOT TO BE ONE-SIDED.
I DESERVED FOR THERE NOT TO BE ANY BS.
I DESERVE HONESTY AND RESPECT.

I'm not going to wait on CHANGE.
WHEN SOMEONE FEELS LIKE TREATING ME BETTER, 
THE WAY I DESERVE TO BE TREATED. 

WHY SHOULD I WAIT FOR THAT?
YEARS! I'D BE WAITING YEARS!
WASTING MY TIME WAITING ON THAT!

FOR NOTHING. FOR DISRESPECT.
IS DISRESPECT SUPPOSED TO GET YOU ANYWHERE
WITH ME? FK NO!

SO WHY WOULD IT HAVE?

WHY WOULD I SETTLE FOR ANY FK BS AT ALL?
I DON'T NOW.

APPARENTLY I USED TO DISRESPECT MYSELF
FOR SETTLING FOR DISRESPECT.

Am I supposed to KEEP TRYING
TO BE "CONVINCED" THAT I WAS THE ISSUE?
THAT WANTING TO BE TREATED BETTER 
WAS THE ISSUE?

THE WAY I SHOULD HAVE BEEN?
LIKE SOMEONE WHO FKN MATTERED?

No, I know what one-sided looks like. 
I WAS SHOWN WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE. 
WHEN IT'S IN YOUR FACE FOR WAY TOO LONG, 
LONGER THAN IT EVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN... 
YOU SEE IT.
YOU KNOW WTF IT LOOKS LIKE. 

And then try to come back like they are trying to
DO ME A FAVOR?

NO. THE FAVOR IS STAYING TF AWAY FROM ME. 

MADE ME WAIT FOR CHANGE
THAT WAS NEVER GOING TO FKN COME. 
THE WHOLE TIME THEY KNEW WHAT THEY WERE DOING. 
AND INSTEAD OF NOT FKN DOING IT, 
THEY JUST WENT AHEAD AND DID IT.
BECAUSE WHY TF WOULD I MATTER AT ALL?
TO FKN ANYONE?

The thing here is that not getting what I had wanted
WAS SUPPOSED TO "BREAK" ME. 

NOT WHEN I REALIZE THAT WHAT I WANTED
WAS WHAT I THOUGHT I WANTED. 

I DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE
WHO WOULD EVER DO ANY OF THAT SH*T TO ME.

HE CREATED THAT SH*T BECAUSE HE WANTED ME
TO HAVE FOMO LIKE HE CLAIMS TO HAVE. 

I DON'T. NOTHING I'M MISSING OUT ON THERE. 
WHAT? SOMEONE WHO'D DO THAT SH*T?
THAT'S WHAT I'M SUPPOSEDLY MISSING OUT ON?

OR... IS HE MISSING OUT ON SOMEONE WHO WOULDN'T?

But when someone needs their ego to be stroked
and you refuse to stroke it
BECAUSE WHY WOULD I ACCEPT DISRESPECT
AND THEN STROKE YOUR EGO? WTF?
JUST FOR YOU TO BE A PETTY, IGNORANT POS?
WAITING FOR YOU TO CAUSE THE NEXT ARGUMENT?
INSTEAD OF HAVING A CONVERSATION?
EXPECTING ME TO LOOK OVER
EVERYTHING ALREADY SAID AND DONE
LIKE IT NEVER WAS SAID OR DONE?

If anything... He would be so spiteful and try to get "revenge"
FOR rejecting him.

HE LIKES PLAYING GAMES, 
BUT HAD I DONE WHAT HE DID, 
HE WOULDN'T FKN LIKE IT!

But because HE FKN DID THAT, 
WHY WOULD I WANT THAT SH*T?

It's all fun and funny
UNTIL IT MAKES THEM LOOK LIKE A POS.

The thing is when people don't want to be rejected, 
sometimes they let the wrong people into their life. 

AND NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU TRY
TO WARN SOMEONE AND HELP THEM... 
NO MATTER WHAT YOU TELL THEM
AND HOW MANY TIMES YOU TRY TO TELL THEM....
AND HOW MUCH YOU WISH THEY'D SEEN
WHAT YOU WERE SAYING AND WHY... 

OFTEN THEY DON'T FKN LISTEN!
SO THEY FIND OUT THE HARD WAY.
AND THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO.

BUT SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO LET THEM
FIND OUT THE WAY THEY DO.

I've been afraid of change...
WHEN A LOT CHANGES IN YOUR LIFE, 
FAST...
FOR THE WRONG REASONS... 
AND THERE'S FK ALL YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT... 

YOU START TO FKN NOT WANT CHANGE. 
EVEN GOOD CHANGE. 

BECAUSE HOW DO YOU KNOW
IF IT IS ACTUALLY GOOD?
WHEN SO MUCH CHANGED THAT WASN'T?

Rejection used to bother me, a lot. 

I'D RATHER BE REJECTED BY SOMEONE
WHO ISN'T FOR ME, PERIOD, 
THAN ACCEPTED BY SOMEONE
WHO ISN'T GOOD FOR ME AND NEVER WAS.

WHAT GOOD IS BEING ACCEPTED BY SOMEONE
WHO FKN PLAYS GAMES
AND REFUSES TO GROW TF UP?

JUST TO BE ACCEPTED BY THEM?
JUST TO NOT BE REJECTED?