Surprised It Went Up That High

Surprised the views went up that high. 
They are coming back down like I knew they would.
Just surprised they went up that high. 

Wasn't expecting that at all. 

A LOT I WASN'T EXPECTING....
ESPECIALLY THE LAST 12 YEARS...

But... I had to learn something because of all of it.
SUCKS TO HAVE TO LEARN THAT WAY....

BUT.... OKAY. 

Learned about some people....
WHO I THOUGHT WERE DIFFERENT
FROM WHAT THEY SHOWED ME... 

Was asked some things for a reason...
I asked why: "Just curious."

No. There was another reason other than that.
Curiosity is a "blanket reason."

WHEN YOU DON'T WANT TO SAY THE ACTUAL REASON.

I know that there was another reason....
Other than curiosity. 

"Do you ever get lonely?"

NO.... BUT.... WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?

ASKED.... BECAUSE.... HE WANTED TO KNOW.

BECAUSE IF I DID.... HE COULD OFFER?
AND IF I ASKED WHY...
HE COULD JUST SAY HE WAS CURIOUS?

DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW THAT?
FOR "NO REASON"?

JUST OUT OF "CURIOSITY"?

No. There was a reason for that PARTICULAR QUESTION. 

Maybe in my 20s.... But????? What were my 20s like?
BECAUSE OF BEING "LONELY"? LOL.

YEAH. THAT'S WHAT.

"LONELINESS" ISN'T A GOOD ENOUGH REASON
FOR ME TO BE INTERESTED IN ANY OF THAT.

IT WASN'T THEN, AND IT ISN'T NOW.

EVEN SEEING "POTENTIAL" ISN'T A GOOD ENOUGH "REASON."

I DON'T HAVE A GOOD ENOUGH REASON.

AND AM ALLOWED TO JUST....
NOT BE INTERESTED.

AND HE WANTED TO MAKE IT ABOUT....
BEING "HURT" TOO MANY TIMES.

NOT THAT.
I'M MORE FKN DISAPPOINTED THAN "HURT."

I'M NOT IN "PAIN" OVER ANY FKR....
WHO JUST WANTED TO PLAY GAMES.

DISAPPOINTED????? YEAH. 

AND IF THEY TRUST THE WRONG PERSON....
OVER ME.... 

THAT IS NOT MY PROBLEM!!!!! NOT AT ALL.

THEY CAN DISAPPOINT THEMSELVES FOR ALL I CARE.

AND EVERYONE WHO DISAPPOINTS THEM.... 
THEY CAN HAVE THAT.

ESPECIALLY.... IF THEY DO THINGS
THAT I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE.

I'M OKAY WITH THAT.

But... I know why.... People ask questions.

BECAUSE THEY WANT TO KNOW.
AND WHY THEY WANT TO KNOW.....
HAS TO DO WITH SOMETHING.

IF THEY DON'T WANT TO BE HONEST ABOUT IT...

THAT MAKES ME QUESTION
THEIR QUESTIONS EVEN MORE!

And if they convince themselves that I'm not interested
BECAUSE I'VE BEEN "HURT"

THERE ISN'T ANYTHING I CAN FKN SAY
BECAUSE THEY ALREADY
CONVINCED THEMSELVES OF THAT.

AND THEY'LL CONVINCE THEMSELVES
OF OTHER THINGS, TOO. 

NOT HERE TO CONVINCE ANYONE
OF ANYTHING.
EVEN MY REASONS
THAT I'M NOT INTERESTED. 

1) I AM ALLOWED NOT TO BE INTERESTED.

Good enough reason, eh?
I think so!!!!!

Does some "need" to have been "hurt"
TO JUST NOT BE INTERESTED?
IN HAVING S*X?

OR.... COULD THEY....
JUST.... NOT BE.... INTERESTED.... IN THAT?

COULD THEY... JUST BE ALLOWED THAT?

ALLOWED NOT TO BE INTERESTED IN THAT?

Put it this way:

IS EVERYONE INTERESTED IN KNITTING? NO?
WELP.... NOT EVERYONE IS INTERESTED IN S*X!!!!!!

AMAZING!

ARE PEOPLE ALLOWED NOT TO BE INTERESTED IN KNITTING?
YEAH? THEY ARE????

THEN.... WHY CAN'T PEOPLE NOT BE INTERESTED IN S*X?

DO THEY HAVE TO HAVE A "REASON"
LIKE: "THEY MUST HAVE BEEN HURT TOO MANY TIMES"?

TO MAKE IT MAKE SENSE TO THEMSELVES....

"I'M INTERESTED... SO IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE WHY THEY AREN'T."

WOULD IT MAKE SENSE TO ME, AS A KNITTER
THAT KNITTING ISN'T INTERESTING TO EVERYONE?

WELP, SAME THING. 

IT'D BE LIKE.... IF I ASSUMED THAT BECAUSE KNITTING
IS SUPER INTERESTING TO ME....
THAT IT WOULD INTEREST EVERYONE....

IT DOESN'T. RIGHT?

ARE THERE OTHER THINGS TO THINK ABOUT?
OTHER THAN KNITTING? YEAH?

WELL... THERE ARE OTHER THINGS
TO THINK ABOUT....
OTHER THAN S*X. 

BUT..... 

HOW TF DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT TO ANYONE?
WHO MAKES ASSUMPTIONS....
ABOUT ME....
AND MY REASONS FOR ANYTHING?

COULD THEY HAVE ASKED?

"IS IT BECAUSE YOU WERE HURT?
BECAUSE USUALLY THAT'S WHAT IT IS."

YOU CAN'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
ABOUT MY REASONS
BASED ON OTHER PEOPLE'S REASONS.

THAT'D BE LIKE.....
ALL PEOPLE WHO AREN'T INTERESTED IN KNITTING....
ARE "HURT" 
OR "HATE ART"
OR WHATEVER TF "THE USUAL REASON" IS.

SEE HOW SILLY THAT IS? IT'S SILLY.

LIKE ASSUMING I'M "TOXIC"
FOR HAVING BOUNDARIES....
AND NOT BEING INTERESTED IN BS.

WHY? DIDN'T GET WHAT THEY WANTED?

AND I OWE THEM WHAT????! ANYTHING? NO?????
DIDN'T OWE ANYTHING? OR A SECOND CHANCE?
AFTER THAT SH*T?

SO THEN?????? WHY WANT ANYTHING FROM ME????

DO I WANT ANYTHING FROM HIM?
WHAT DID I EVEN WANT????? HMMM?

DID ANYONE KNOW? NO??????

SO THEY CAN'T ASSUME FK ALL....
AND THEN ASSUME THEIR ASSUMPTIONS ARE FACTS... 

SILLY! 

Like as silly as it was to think that having ANY feelings
"MUST HAVE MEANT I WAS DESPERATE."
So why not TREAT ME AS THOUGH I was????!
Fk that sh*t. 

If I was SO DESPERATE... Why am I doing so much better on my own?

Hmmm?

I don't have to convince anyone of anything about me.
Just so damn silly to assume things......

IT ISN'T ACTUALLY FAIR....
AND THAT IS WHAT P*SSED ME OFF.
IF ANYTHING.

NOT BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T FEEL HOW I FELT.
I'M A BIG GIRL.

AND IT'S NOT LIKE I'M ATTRACTED TO EVERYONE, EITHER.

I CAN UNDERSTAND IF SOMEONE
ISN'T ATTRACTED TO ME
OR SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

BUT ALL THEY HAD TO DO......
WAS WHAT??????? TELL ME THAT!!!!!!!!!!

NO NEED TO FK ACT LIKE A D*CK 
ABOUT THAT OR ANYTHING ELSE.

RIGHT?

SHOULD I BE A B*TCH TO SOMEONE?
JUST BECAUSE I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO THEM?

WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

COULDN'T I JUST BE HONEST? ABOUT ANYTHING?

SHOULDN'T I BE?

BUT... I DON'T HAVE TO BE A B*TCH ABOUT THAT.
OR ANYTHING ELSE....

SO???? THEN?????
DO THEY HAVE TO TRY TO BE A D*CK TO ME??????
ABOUT THAT?????

OR ANYTHING ELSE?????

WHEN THEY COULD...... JUST BE HONEST?

I'VE BEEN MINIMIZED BY DUDES BEFORE.
BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T ATTRACTED TO ME.
WASN'T THEIR TYPE. 

AND IF I WASN'T..... THEY SHOULD HAVE....
JUST TOLD ME THAT.

INSTEAD OF..... MINIMIZING ME.

IN THE WAYS THEY DID THAT. 

OKAY?


I was talking to my neighbor tonight about guys. 
HE IS A GUY.

WHAT HE SAID... HE NAILED IT.

HE SAID THAT GUYS DON'T HAVE TO TRY TO "JUSTIFY" A NO.
THEY JUST HAVE TO UNDERSTAND IT.

THEIR EGOS ARE SO BIG THEY "CAN'T" ACCEPT IT.

I watched that video.... I don't know if I wrote about it yet...
A woman was on her motorcycle.
A guy approached her for her number.
She didn't want to give it to him.
Said she would give him her Instagram name or whatever.
He didn't want that.
And still didn't give him her number.
He goes: "Why you tryna be funny?"
She said she wasn't.

HE THREW WATER IN HER FACE!

WTF IS THAT SH*T?

IF THERE IS A REASON.... THERE IS ONE.
ACCEPT THAT AS A FACT.
BECAUSE IT IS A FACT.

AND IF IT'S A FACT..... JUST FK OFF WITH THAT FACT.
JUST THAT.

I might have written about this a while back....

When that guy was following me... 

I had an appointment. He followed me into that building.
And pretended to have an appointment.
Waiting for me to have mine.
And followed me OUT OF THE BUILDING.
THAT'S HOW I KNEW HE WAS LYING.
ABOUT HIS APPOINTMENT.
HE WOULD HAVE STAYED FOR IT.

WTF IS THAT SH*T? IT'S DISTURBING. 
DEEPLY. 

HE WANTED SOMETHING FROM ME.
I KEPT WALKING AWAY, SAYING "NO."

LOST HIM SOMEHOW. 

IT WAS KINDA SCARY.

IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. LIKE THAT.

IF NOBODY HAD BEEN AROUND?

IF HE HAD CATCHED UP TO ME?

I'D HAVE TO HURT THE GUY.
I DON'T LIKE HURTING PEOPLE.

I DON'T ENJOY IT.
I DON'T GET ANYTHING FROM IT.
OTHER THAN PROTECTION. 

THAT'S IT.

AND IF I NEED TO.... I HAVE TO... 
AND I REALLY DO NOT LIKE TO.

OR WANT TO.

It's been a long time since I had to. 

HE WAS ANGRY THAT I DID IT.
CAME AFTER ME FOR DOING IT.

BUT HE WAS TRYING TO CHOKE ME.
WHICH REALLY ANGERED ME.

SO I FED HIM MY FISTS. 
IN HIS FACE.
REPEATEDLY.

HE DIDN'T LIKE IT.
I DID NOT GAF WHAT HE LIKED.

HAPPENED NEAR HERE, ACTUALLY.

A LONG TIME AGO.

SAID SOMETHING HE DIDN'T LIKE.
HE THREATENED ME.
WITH HIS HANDS ON MY THROAT.
IT P*SSED ME OFF. 

I SHOWED HIM WHY TO FK ALL THE WAY OFF.
BUT HE DIDN'T WANT TO.
HE FOLLOWED ME AFTER THAT.
CAUGHT UP TO ME ONCE.

GOT ME FROM BEHIND.
SLAMMED MY HEAD AGAINST A POST.
IT WAS BAD. 
I GOT BACK UP.

FKER'S STILL OUT THERE SOMEWHERE.

WHAT A POS.

If I have to, I will defend myself. 

And I had Mirror Smasher in an armlock.
TO MAKE HIM DROP A RIG. 

AND IF I WAS SUCH A B*TCH....
I'D HAVE JUST FKN LET HIM. 

BUT DID I? NO.

IF I LET HIM AND HE OD'D?

AND HADN'T DONE ANYTHING?

AND THE HOE WHO GAVE HIM THE FIRST ONE....
SHE HAD BAD VIBES.

I TOLD HIM. 

SHE LOOKS LIKE THE HOE WHO TRIED TO GET IN MY FACE
WHEN I WENT TO MEET HIM, ONCE....

BEFORE HE WENT ON HIS D*CKCAPADES. 

BUT HE WAS DOING SH*T BEHIND THE SCENES
THE WHOLE TIME, OBVIOUSLY.

AND HER TRYING TO COME AT ME....
ON MY WAY THERE....
WOULD SHOW SHE KNEW ABOUT ME...
AND MAYBE.... 
READING HIS MESSAGES.

AND SHE WASN'T THE ONLY ONE.

BECAUSE HOW WOULD SHE KNOW?
THAT I WAS GOING TO MEET HIM THAT DAY?
HMMM?

Him.... Being a d*ck.... 
WAS A DELIBERATE CHOICE.

I WROTE ABOUT THE SH*T HE SAID,
AND DID.

AND I STILL GAVE HIM CHANCES 
AFTER THAT.

HOPING....
HE'D JUST STOP....
WITH HIS SH*T.

BUT?????? DID HE?

IF I DIDN'T JUST FKN LEAVE HIM
IN HIS OWN SH*T.....

I'D BE MISERABLE.
LIKE I WAS....
BEING EXPECTED TO DEAL
WITH HIS SH*T.

HE COULD HAVE...
JUST STOPPED.....
HIS SH*T.

SO I TOLD HIM TO FK OFF. 

NO MORE TRYING TO EXPLAIN
ANYTHING ABOUT ME
FOR HIM
OR ANYONE
TO "UNDERSTAND" ME
WHEN I'M NOT THAT HARD
TO "UNDERSTAND."

Never was "hard" to understand.

I'D RATHER BE "ALONE"
THAN BE AROUND PEOPLE
WHO DELIBERATELY.....
SLAMMED THE DOOR IN THEIR OWN FACE....
REPEATEDLY. 

CRABS IN THE BUCKET.
ALL THE FKERS WHO WANTED TO HOLD ME BACK.
WANTED ME TO FEEL "SMALL."

TO "LOOK DOWN" ON ME....

THE ONLY TIMES I LOOK DOWN ON PEOPLE
IS WHEN THEY PLAY GAMES
ARE ABOUT BS
WANT TO BE THINKING XYZ ABOUT ME....
NEVER ASKING ME ANYTHING....
JUST ASSUME....! WHY NOT???!

LIKE I WASN'T GOING TO FKN GO?????
EVENTUALLY???? WTF????

"TARGET A***."

I USED TO WANT TO FKN KNOW WHY............
BECAUSE IT WASN'T EVEN MAKING SENSE.......
IN A DECENT WORLD..... 
YOU'D THINK.....
YOU COULD.....
ACTUALLY TRUST.....
THE PEOPLE.....
YOU SHOULD HAVE.....
BEEN ABLE TO.....
TRUST.

CLOSURE.... FOR ME....
WAS HOW IT ENDED.

I DON'T NEED TO "CHASE CLARITY"
LIKE IT MATTERS TO ME MORE
THAN WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT HAPPENED MATTERS.

MORE THAN THE "WHY."

SO THEY CAN HAVE THE "WHY."

I ALREADY HAVE THE "WHAT."

AND THAT'S FINE. WITH ME.
BECAUSE? I GAVE THE CHANCE.....
NOT TO BE ABOUT XYZ.

AND????? THEY WANTED TO BE ABOUT THAT?????

SO THEN?????

WHY SHOULDN'T I BE COOL ON MY OWN?

I WAS SUPPOSED TO "FALL APART"
WITHOUT THEM?

WERE THEY THERE?

WHEN? 5% OF THE TIME OR LESS?

EVEN MENTALLY?

DID THEY ACT LIKE THEY WANTED TO BE?
LIKE I MATTERED TO THEM? 

NO?
SO THEN? 

I CAN LET GO. THAT'S WHAT.

ISN'T THAT WHAT I DID? YEAH?
A LONG TIME AGO? YEAH?

WHY WAS THAT? HMMM?

BECAUSE??????
DO THEY KNOW ME?

OR DO THEY WANT SOMETHING?

AND "FORGET" HOW THEY TREATED ME?

HMMM?

WAS HIS SH*T MINE TO CARRY?
FOREVER?

NO?

AT ALL?

NO?

ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS JUST TREAT ME WELL!
LIKE A DEAR FRIEND!

AT THE VERY FKN LEAST!

WAS I ASKING TO BE TREATED LIKE A WIFE?

WOULD I WANT TO MARRY A D*CK ANYWAY? NO?

ANYWAY.... THAT'S ALL HE HAD TO DO!
THAT'S IT.

BUT?????? WHAT? 

THAT????!!!!! REALLY?????!!!!!

AND I USED TO WANT TO KNOW WHY!

BUT..... THEY EXPECT ME TO FIX IT
WHEN THEY FK UP!

AND TEST THE WATER AFTER.

BUT NOW.... I GAVE UP.....
AND THEY GET TO FEEL THAT.

IF THEY COULDN'T SEE ANYTHING ABOUT ME.
THEY JUST WANTED WHAT THEY WANTED.

AND I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO WANT ANYTHING.
BECAUSE THAT DIDN'T MATTER.

THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
WANTING ME TO BE FAMILIAR....
AND WANTING TO ACTUALLY KNOW ME.

FAMILIAR LIKE A SAFE PLACE TO LAND....

AND ACTUALLY KNOWING ME
ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY VALUE ME FOR ME.

THEY MIGHT REMEMBER SOMETHING ABOUT ME....
WITHOUT REMEMBERING OTHER THINGS....
AND "FORGETTING" SOME THINGS...

WHEN I WANTED THE SAME CARE.
THE SAME CONSIDERATION. 

AND BEING PATIENT LONGER
WASN'T GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING.

WAITING LONGER
WASN'T GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING.

LIKE 12-YEAR DISCARD....
WANTED ME TO WAIT 12 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FOR 1/4 OF AN APOLOGY!

AFTER 12 YEARS.

"I M*SS A***, I'M GOING TO FK WITH HER FEELINGS SOME MORE."

COULD I EVEN BE MYSELF?
WITH HIM?
COULD WE TALK?

COULD WE SEE EACH OTHER?

COULD WE HAVE A NICE TIME?

NO?

BECAUSE....
I WAS SUPPOSED TO "CHASE" HIM FOR THAT????

FK THAT.

BOTH THOSE GUYS. FK THEM. 

I'M NOT BITTER ABOUT IT.... DO I SEEM LIKE I AM?

JUST TRYING MY BEST TO EXPLAIN....
WHY CERTAIN THINGS.... WERE BS.

SO THAT MAYBE.....
PEOPLE CAN UNDERSTAND.....

WHY IT WOULD BE BS.....

AND WOULD THINK ABOUT IT.....

BEFORE TREATING ANYONE....
LIKE THEY TREATED ME.

THAT'S ABOUT IT.

IF I WAS BITTER, I'D PROBABLY
BE RAGING AND WANTING REVENGE OR SOMETHING.
I DON'T.

DESPITE THE CAPS, I'M NOT ACTUALLY RAGING.

ABOUT THAT OR ANYTHING ELSE.

CAPS DON'T HAVE TO MEAN "RAGE."

WORDS ARE WORDS.
in lowercase
OR UPPERCASE.

OKAY?

WORDS.

Physical Pain

Years ago, I stupidly started cracking my neck.
DON'T DO IT. 

I SCREWED IT UP.

IT HURTS NOW.

MY BACK HURTS, TOO. 

Maybe I'm getting older, but... 
It hurts!

My mouth isn't feeling great either.
Had a tooth pulled over a week ago.
The tooth next to the one I got pulled out....
Got damaged. 

I knew it was possibly going to happen.
They told me it might. It did.

Now I have to get that fixed, too.

I don't want to get it pulled.
If I can help it.

My friend had to get a test done
where they froze his throat
to stick a camera down it.

It doesn't sound pleasant or like any fun.

I wouldn't want to get that test done....
But if it has to get done, it has to.

Tests can't last forever.
At least those tests can't.

Been very tired lately.
It happens when the seasons change.

It's been fall for a while....
But winter's coming.

It already snowed in Calgary this year.

Speaking of Calgary....
That city has been putting up signs
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGES
WITH NO OFFICIAL LANGUAGE TRANSLATIONS
ON THOSE SIGNS.

THAT SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED.

THE FOREIGN LANGUAGE 
SHOULD BE THE TRANSLATION.

TRANSLATING ENGLISH.

THEY DON'T HAVE FRENCH OUT THERE.

IN THIS CITY, FRENCH IS MANDATORY. 
IT'S A LANGUAGE LAW.

There's someone on drugs yelling out there...
Earlier, someone got arrested.
THERE WERE 4 COP CARS.

DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY DID TO GET ARRESTED.

BEEN STICKING MY HEAD OUT
IF I HEAR SHOUTING.

MOSTLY BEEN KEEPING TO MYSELF.

BEEN HAVING SOME IDEAS....
BUT ONE THING AT A TIME.

Also, not a lot I can do while in PAIN.

Being in pain sucks, and it's hard to sleep sometimes. 

Not a lot I can do about it, though. 

I need to see a chiropractor to actually get it fixed....

But... That's a "future" thing.
Not something I can do right now. 

Just To Be Clear

Just because I had "feelings" for someone...
DIDN'T MEAN THEY WERE OBLIGATED
TO FEEL THE SAME WAY I DID, 
ABOUT ME.

That's not why I was upset. 
That's not what STUNG.

WHAT STUNG WAS ALL THE BS BECAUSE OF THAT.

Because you can KNOW how someone feels....
AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAD THEM ON.

JUST THAT.

IF YOU DON'T FEEL ANYTHING FOR THEM....

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SH*T ON THEM.

NO FALSE HOPES. NO BS. 
HONESTY. 

JUST THAT. 

IT DOES NOT MEAN
"I HAVE TO PLAY WITH HER FEELINGS."
"I HAVE TO TRY TO MAKE HER FEEL LIKE SHE'S NOTHING."

IF I DON'T MATTER TO YOU, DON'T PRETEND.

AND THEN..... AFTER PRETENDING... 
TO "CARE"
WHEN YOU ACTUALLY DIDN'T.... AT ALL....

PLAY GAMES. 

JUST THAT. 

THAT'S ALL I WAS ASKING FOR.

NOT: "I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU, MARRY ME!"
OR ANYTHING CRAZY OR FKD UP.

JUST: "IF IT'S NOT MUTUAL.... DON'T BE A D*CK."

It's not that I "can't" be "alone."
IT'S MORE COMFORT TO ACTUALLY BE ALONE....
THAN "TRY" TO HAVE "SOMETHING"
WITH SOMEONE WHO JUST......
WANTS TO THROW ME AWAY.
LIKE NOTHING.

Big difference.

Nobody was ever OBLIGATED to FEEL THE WAY I DID!
OR WANT WHAT I WANTED.

IF I THOUGHT THEY WERE.... 
THAT WOULD BE LIKE THINKING
I WAS "ENTITLED" TO THEM "RETURNING" 
MY FEELINGS.

BUT.... COULD THEY HAVE.... ACKNOWLEDGED THAT?
HOW I FELT? AT ALL?

BUT THEN...... AFTER I SHUT DOWN......
AFTER YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS
OF GAMES.... 

THEY STILL TRY TO PLAY WITH ME.

That's why he came back 12 years LATER!

BECAUSE IT'S A GAME
TO GHOST AND TRY TO COME BACK
LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.

LIKE THEY DIDN'T DISCARD ME.
LIKE THEY "FORGOT" THE DETAILS.
BUT "REMEMBER" THE EXCUSES.

AND THEN.... WHEN I DON'T WANT TO FKN PLAY!!!!!!!!!!!
OR BE PLAYED WITH....

I'M "TOXIC" FOR THAT.

TO TRY TO GASLIGHT ME
ABOUT MY OWN FKN SANITY AND REALITY.

I KNEW HE WAS NEVER OBLIGATED....
TO FEEL ANYTHING FOR ME.... 

NOBODY IS.

BUT..... CERTAIN THINGS....
I NEVER HAD TO TOLERATE.

AND WHEN I REFUSE TO "CHASE."
I'M "TOXIC."

WHEN I CALL THEM OUT:
"TOXIC."

They could.... Ask themselves.... WHY....
I would be more comfortable with myself
THAN I WAS BEFORE.
WHEN PEOPLE DID THAT SH*T.
TO ME.

FOR WHATEVER REASON THEY DID IT FOR.....
I DON'T HAVE TO "CARE" WHY THEY DID IT.

DO I NEED "EXCUSES" FOR BS? NO.
I DON'T NEED OR WANT THAT CRAP.

THEY USE "EXCUSES"
BECAUSE THE ACTUAL TRUTH...
ISN'T "COMFORTABLE" FOR THEM.

OR? THEY'D TELL IT!

What I'm not cool with.... Is being.... Underestimated. 
BY PEOPLE WHO NEVER KNEW ME.

I'm capable of underestimating myself!
THEY KNEW THIS.

THAT'S WHY THEY TRIED TO GASLIGHT ME.

But....? Why doesn't that work?

BECAUSE I SEE THAT FOR WHAT IT IS.
I SEE THEM DOING IT.

AND YES, I WILL SAY SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

AS SOON AS YOU HAVE BOUNDARIES....
AND CHANGE HOW YOU OPERATE....
AND PEOPLE CAN'T GET WHAT THEY WANT....
THEY CAN'T FK YOU AROUND.... 

WATCH! WATCH HOW THEY ACT! 
BECAUSE THEY ARE ACTING LIKE THAT
FOR A REASON.

I COULD HAVE PLAYED GAMES, TOO. RIGHT?
DID I? DID I EVEN WANT TO? NO?

IF I WANTED TO.... I WOULD HAVE!!!!!!!!!!!
RIGHT?

That is the point.

Not that I ever thought they were OBLIGATED 
to feel the way I did.

WOULD IT HAVE BEEN COOL, IF THEY DID? 
YEAH.

BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T HAVE....
SCREWED ME AROUND.

OR PLAYED WITH ME IN ANY WAY.

IF THEIR INTENTIONS
WERE THE SAME AS MINE.

THAT IS ALL. 
BUT???? THEIR INTENTIONS....
WERE NOT THE SAME AS MINE.

AND AFTER I WALK AWAY....
THEY TRY ME AGAIN.

THAT.... IS WHAT BUGGED ME.
NOT: "HE DIDN'T LOVE ME BACK!"

SO NATURALLY, AFTER ALL OF THAT CRAP....
I'D BE GUARDING MY HEART. 

AWAY FROM PEOPLE WHO WOULD FK WITH IT.
OR TRY TO.
OR TRY TO PLAY WITH ME.

THEY FIND OUT VERY FAST....
I DON'T DO "TRAUMA BONDS."

REAL BONDS.... OR FK OFF. 

EVEN IF THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY "ROMANCE"
INTEREST IN ME.... 

COOL.

1) BE HONEST ABOUT THAT.
2) DON'T EVER PRETEND YOU DO! 
3) DON'T PLAY GAMES!
4) MUTUAL RESPECT OR FK OFF.

AND IF YOU LOST MY RESPECT.....
YOU LOST IT FOR A REASON OR MANY REASONS.

USUALLY IT TAKES QUITE A BIT FOR ME TO GET THERE.

BECAUSE I USED TO GIVE CHANCES LIKE CANDIES.
BUT I DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE.

DOING THAT.... DIDN'T GIVE ME ANYTHING.

MADE PEOPLE NOT RESPECT THE CHANCES THEY GOT.
THEY JUST EXPECTED MORE AND MORE AND MORE.
LIKE I WAS NEVER GOING ANYWHERE.

THAT'S WHAT IT DID.

They try to "control" and "dominate" me, also.
NO. TRY THAT AND FIND OUT WHY IT DOESN'T WORK.

BECAUSE THE MOMENT YOU TRY ME...
I WILL SHOW YOU.

I DON'T LIKE IT.... BUT... I'LL DO THAT.
WHEN NEEDED.

BUT WHEN PEOPLE ARE STUCK IN THEIR OWN SH*T....
THEY ARE!

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH AND ABOUT THAT?

I LEAVE THEM.... STUCK IN IT.... BY THEMSELVES.
AND I LIVE MY LIFE WITHOUT THEM IN IT.

BECAUSE????? I CAN.
THAT'S WHY.

THEY DON'T LIKE IT.... BUT?????

AM I SUPPOSED TO TRY TO "CONTROL" THEM?
TRY TO "MAKE" THEM SEE THE TRUTH?
THAT THEY "REFUSE" TO SEE?

IN A TRILLION DIFFERENT WAYS?
IF NOTHING "WORKS"?

NO. IT'S FOR THEM TO SEE.
I ALREADY SAW A LOT. 
I AM COOL WITH THAT.
SEEING IT MEANS I GET TO DO SOMETHING WITH IT.

WHAT CAN I DO
WITH SOMETHING I CAN'T SEE?

Anything????? Can I? No.

SO THEN WHY WOULD I REFUSE TO SEE IT?

TO PUT MYSELF AT A DISADVANTAGE?

And if they choose someone OVER ME. OKAY.
BUT DON'T GO BEHIND THEIR BACK....
TO TRY TO TALK TO ME..... 
BECAUSE YOU ALREADY.... CHOSE.

JUST THAT.

Yes, I have friends who are married.
Who I speak with. 

BUT WE ARE ONLY FRIENDS, JUST THAT.

AND I'D RATHER NOT BE INVOLVED
WITH SOMEONE.... WHO IS INVOLVED
WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

1) ISN'T FAIR WITH THE ONE THEY ARE INVOLVED WITH
2) ISN'T FAIR TO ME, EITHER.

BUT WHY WOULD THEY GO BEHIND THEIR BACK?
IF THEY THINK THEY'D LASH OUT....

AND I WARNED MIRROR SMASHER ABOUT THAT HOE.
TOLD HIM ABOUT THE "THREATS."

AND SHE DID THREATEN ME. 
OVER HIM.

WHEN IT ISN'T HER CHOICE.
WHO HE WANTS TO BE WITH......

NOT UP TO HER.

SHE HAS NO CONTROL OVER THAT.

HE ISN'T HER "PROPERTY."

SO SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO "THREATEN"
ANYONE OVER HIS OWN CHOICES
THAT HE HAS A RIGHT TO MAKE.
ON HIS OWN.

But.... I'm a "threat" so......
THAT'S WHY SHE "THREATENED" ME.

HE WAS NOT HAPPY WITH HER.
HE TOLD ME SHE CHEATED ON HIM.

MAYBE THEIR FIRST KID ISN'T EVEN HIS.
SHE WAS CHEATING "WHILE" PREGNANT.

MAYBE... SHE CHEATED AND "GOT" PREGNANT.

AND IF THAT WAS THE CASE....
SHE LIED TO HIM ABOUT THAT.

TO "TRAP" HIM WITH A BABY.

SOME CHICKS DO THAT.

AND IF HE WASN'T HAPPY WITH HER....
HOW SHE ACTS ETC.....

THEN.... THAT... HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

BECAUSE I DON'T ACT LIKE THAT.

I NEVER CONTACTED HER EVEN ONCE.
WANTED NOTHING TO DO WITH HER, PERIOD.

IT'D BE LIKE IF MY EX CONTACTED HIM, 
THREATENING HIM. 

RIGHT?

THAT'S WHAT I NEEDED HIM TO SEE....
BUT? HE WOULDN'T.

If I wanted to "harm" her...
WHY WOULD I THREATEN TO DO IT?
I WOULD JUST DO IT?

ALL I DID WAS TELL HER NOT TO FKN PLAY WITH ME EITHER.
BECAUSE THEY BOTH WERE.

NOT JUST HER, NOT JUST HIM. 

BOTH.

AND BECAUSE OF THAT SH*T.....
I DON'T HAVE TO BE THERE.
NEVER HAD TO BE THERE.

Wanted him to see THAT, TOO.... BUT?

BUT.... BS... DOESN'T WORK FOR ME.
THERE CAN'T BE ANY EXCEPTIONS.

BECAUSE THEY WON'T TAKE MY STANDARDS
SERIOUSLY. 

IF I LET THEM KEEP ON WITH THEIR BS.

THAT'S WHY 12-YEAR-DISCARD.....
DOESN'T GET TO "POP IN"
AND GET ANOTHER CHANCE.

HAD I LET HIM BACK IN?
THINKING "IT'LL BE DIFFERENT THIS TIME"?

IT WOULD BE LIKE MIRROR SMASHER.
AGAIN. 

THINGS MIGHT HAVE BEEN "NICE" FOR A BIT.
AND THEN..... THEY'D DO THAT SH*T. AGAIN.

THEY HAD THE CHANCE.... ALREADY....
TO JUST.... TREAT ME PROPERLY.

AND WHEN LOYALTY MATTERED AND COUNTED....

WHAT DID THEY DO WITH THAT CHANCE?
THOSE CHANCES?

WASTED THEM?
WASTED MY TIME?
ALREADY?

SO????? WHY WOULD I THINK....
ANYTHING WOULD BE "DIFFERENT THIS TIME"?

ALREADY DID ME DIRTY....
I CAN WISH PEOPLE WELL.....
BUT I DO NOT NEED TO WELCOME THEM BACK.

ESPECIALLY AFTER THAT SH*T.
THEY ALREADY SHOWED ME.
RIGHT?

I DON'T HAVE TO LET THEM SHOW ME REPEATEDLY.
I DON'T HAVE TO PUT MYSELF THROUGH THAT.

BUT FLIPPING THEIR SH*T ONTO ME....
ISN'T COOL.

IT'S A TEST.

HER DOING IT. HIM DOING IT.
ALL THE FKERS DOING IT.

BUT..... I DON'T HAVE TO LET THEM.

WHAT STUNG WAS GIVING THEM WHAT I HAD....
AND GETTING BS BACK.

THAT IS WHAT STUNG.

NOT "HE DIDN'T LOVE ME BACK!"

IF I HAVE TO GRIEVE EITHER WAY.....
I'D RATHER BE "ALONE."

"IF A***'S SCARED I'LL LEAVE HER....
I'LL GHOST HER FOR 12 YEARS!"

AND IF HE CHOSE TO FK ME AROUND EVEN MORE
THAN HE DID BEFORE?

IF YOU LET SH*T SLIDE..... 
THEY THINK IT IS OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT NEVER WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BETTER OFF ON MY OWN!

I'M NOT SCARED OF ANYONE "LEAVING."
THEY CAN "GO."

THERE IS NOTHING TO BE SCARED OF.

IF THEY DISRESPECT ME....
THE "CONNECTION".....

WHAT WERE THEY EVEN "THERE" FOR?
FOR ME?????? FK NO!

NO LOYALTY.

SO THEN?????? WHY BE "THERE"?
FOR ME?????

HA! 

AND WHEN I DON'T MAKE ANY EXCEPTIONS?
I'M "TOXIC."

FOR NOT LETTING THEM JUST "COME BACK."
LIKE THEY NEVER DID ANYTHING.

ANYONE WHO DIDN'T VALUE ME......
DOESN'T GET TO DEVALUE ME EVEN MORE
THAN THEY DID BEFORE.

BECAUSE..... SAW AN "OPPORTUNITY."
IT WASN'T ABOUT ME.
IT WAS BECAUSE THEY WANTED SOMETHING
FROM ME.

BECAUSE IF IT WAS ABOUT ME....
HE WOULD HAVE VALUED ME.

JUST THAT.

GOING BACKWARDS WOULD BE LIKE SAYING:
THIS IS ALL I DESERVE
WHEN I NEVER DESERVED ANY OF THAT SH*T.

THEY HAD A CHANCE.
TO SHOW ME..... WHO THEY WERE.
THEY DID.

I DON'T HAVE TO LET THEM SHOW ME AGAIN.
ALREADY SAW IT.

"PEOPLE CHANGE, A***." OKAY, COOL....
BUT THAT STILL DOESN'T MEAN THAT I WANT THAT SH*T IN MY LIFE.

THEY HAD THE CHANCE NOT TO BE ABOUT IT....
AND CHOSE WHAT THEY CHOSE TO BE ABOUT.

AND IT WASN'T ABOUT ME AT ALL. 

SO THEY CAN HAVE WHAT THEY WANTED....
EVEN IF THEY AREN'T HAPPY WITH IT.

AND THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

PEOPLE SAW ME AS "DIFFERENT"
BECAUSE I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF I WAS LIKE THEM......
I'D HAVE ACTED JUST LIKE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RIGHT?

I CAN COUNT MORE PEOPLE
WHO DIDN'T "BELIEVE" IN ME

THAN ANYONE WHO DID!!!!!!! OKAY????

AND IF THEY DIDN'T..... COOL..... 
BUT DID THEY HAVE TO FK ME AROUND????????

BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T??????

"LEAST LIKELY TO SUCCEED...." OKAY.

COOL. BUT I'LL REMEMBER HOW PEOPLE ACTED.

WHY WOULDN'T I REMEMBER THAT?
HMMM?

WHY WOULDN'T I REMEMBER.....
BEING TREATED LIKE CRAP?

LIKE I DIDN'T MATTER?
LIKE THEY DIDN'T "CARE" ABOUT ME?

OF COURSE I WAS GOING TO REMEMBER THAT. 

WOULDN'T THEY? IF I DID THAT SH*T?
PROBABLY!

RIGHT?

They Don't Know How To React

When I'm done and give up on "getting through" to someone...
THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO REACT.

THEY DO REACT.
OFTEN BADLY.

BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO REACT.

I've had to "deal" with that.

DID I ALWAYS KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THAT?
NO.

DID I OFTEN REACT BADLY TO THEIR REACTION? 
YEAH.

TWO BAD REACTIONS ARE.... WHAT?
TWO BAD REACTIONS.

THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE.

DID I REACT WELL TO 12 YD?
WHEN HE TRIED TO COME BACK?

NOT ENTIRELY. I TRIED.

BUT HE NEEDED TO REALIZE SOME THINGS.

1) HE DIDN'T KNOW ME THEN
2) HE REALLY DOESN'T KNOW ME NOW
3) I DON'T HAVE TO GIVE HIM ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY TO WASTE
4) HE ALREADY WASTED THE OPPORTUNITY I ALREADY GAVE HIM
5) I'M NOT "SCARED" TO BE ALONE
6) I PREFER MY SOLITUDE OVER DISHONESTY AND BS

Can't "tell my story" when they don't know what it is!
FOOLISH.

Can exaggerate the things they know....
BUT FILLING IN THE BLANKS.... 

WITH WHAT I WON'T EXPLAIN YET AGAIN.....
BECAUSE NOBODY WAS LISTENING... 

THE MORE THEY TALK, THE MORE BLANKS THERE ARE.

THE TRUTH DOES THE TALKING.
FILLS THE BLANKS HONESTLY.

IN A WAY THEY COULD NEVER.

AND NUMBER 6...... IS A FACT. 
DID ANYONE ASK ME WHAT I MEANT?
DID ANYONE ASK ME WHY I SAID IT?

OR DID THAT JUST MEAN "A***'S TOXIC."

THERE IS A BRIDGE BETWEEN WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED
AND WHAT SOMEONE ASSUMED....
OR HOW THEY INTERPRETED. 

BECAUSE... IT'S EITHER ABOUT WHAT I SAY....
OR HOW I SAY IT.

If they NEED their INTERPRETATION
TO BE TRUE.....

THEIR ASSUMPTION.... 

"THEY PICK THE EXPLANATION THAT MAKES
THE MOST SENSE TO THEM."

THEIR OWN EXPLANATION.

NOT MINE.
NEVER ASKED FOR MINE.

AND SOMETIMES I DON'T OFFER ONE....
BECAUSE THEY ALREADY CHOSE THEIRS.

I HAVE TO "DEFEND" MYSELF....
INSIDE SOMEONE ELSE'S "VERSION" OF EVENTS.

"IT'S YOUR TONE." REALLY?

IF I SAY IT THE WAY THEY WOULD....
WOULD THEY "UNDERSTAND" WHAT I'M SAYING?
AND WHY I'M SAYING IT?

THEY WANT MY REACTION
TO SUPPORT THEIR INTERPRETATION. 

BUT THEY NEVER ASKED ME!

THEY ASSUMED XYZ, AND THEIR ASSUMPTION
WAS THEIR INTERPRETATION. 

LIKE WHEN I LEFT THE "SECURITY" MEETING.
LIKE I HAD A RIGHT TO DO....
BUT.... THAT BECAME AN INTERPRETATION
OF MY ENTIRE PERSONALITY!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE I WAS "TOO ANGRY" OR WHATEVER....

NO.... BECAUSE.... I HAD A "RIGHT"
TO JUST LEAVE. 

SIMPLE.

DID THEY LISTEN TO WHAT I SAID?
OR HOW I SAID IT?

AND THEY WANT ME TO "ARGUE"
WITH THEIR VERSION OF WHAT "HAPPENED."

Someone made a point... 
She was saying... 

YOU CAN ASSUME WHY PEOPLE MAKE ASSUMPTIONS.

WAS IT FAIR FOR THEM TO TWIST MY WORDS?

"NOTICING SOMETHING
ISN'T THE SAME AS KNOWING WHAT IT MEANS."

I CAN NOTICE THEY ASSUMED SOMETHING ABOUT ME.

IT CAN BUG ME THAT THEY DO THAT SH*T TO ME, 
ALL THE TIME!

YOU CAN SEPARATE WHAT YOU KNOW....
FROM WHAT YOU THINK YOU KNOW.

JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU KNOW SOMETHING....
DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU DO!

THEY THOUGHT THEY KNEW WHAT I MEANT.
THINKING THEY KNEW WHAT I MEANT
ISN'T THE SAME THING AS KNOWING.

THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE POINT WAS!
IT BECOMES: "YOUR TONE."

OR "YOUR FACIAL EXPRESSIONS"
OR SOMETHING ELSE.

"SHE LEFT."

YES, I DID.

WASN'T A POINT IN STAYING. 

SHOULD I TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
FOR ANYONE'S INTERPRETATION
OF WHAT I SAID?

EVEN THOUGH THE WORDS I ACTUALLY SAID.....
SHOULD HAVE BEEN SUFFICIENT.

BUT NOBODY LOOKS AT WHAT I SAID.

IF THEY DID..... THEY WOULD LIKELY "UNDERSTAND"
WHY I SAID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I THOUGHT YOUR TONE MEANT XYZ...."
BUT DID IT?

OR DID MY WORDS MEAN WHAT THEY MEANT?
LIKE THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO?

HAVING TO RE-EXPLAIN CERTAIN THINGS....
THAT SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE RE-EXPLAINED.....
OR CLARIFIED....

IS.... FRUSTRATING.

HAVING TO TRY TO CONVINCE SOMEONE.....
THAT THEY CONVINCED THEMSELVES.....

IS.... FRUSTRATING.

BUT THEY "INTERPRET" YOUR WORDS...
AND "BEHAVIOR."

BECAUSE IF YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN THAT MEETING....
AND YOU WALKED OUT ON THE BS....

BECAUSE IT WASN'T GOING ANYWHERE....

AND IF THEY ARE "WRONG"
WILL THEY ADMIT THEY WERE?

IF THEY MADE A "MISTAKE"
WILL THEY ADMIT THEY DID?

I CAN "EXPLAIN" SOMETHING....
OR "CLARIFY"

BUT IF ANYONE IS COMMITTED.....
TO "MISINTERPRETING"
OR"MISUNDERSTANDING" ME.... 

IS THERE A POINT.... IN TRYING TO "CONVINCE" THEM?

OUT OF THEIR OWN BS?

I CAN GIVE "EXAMPLES" OF WHAT I MEANT.....
IN WAYS THEY MIGHT UNDERSTAND THEM... 

BUT... DO MY EXAMPLES
GUARANTEE THAT.... 
THEY WILL "UNDERSTAND"?

THEY EITHER GET IT OR THEY DON'T!
RIGHT?

BUT.... MY POINT IS....
IF YOU THINK YOU GOT IT....
WHEN YOU ACTUALLY DIDN'T.....

DOES THAT MEAN YOU GOT IT?
BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU DID?

ARE YOU THINKING YOU GOT IT... 
OR DID YOU GET IT?

ARE THOSE THE SAME THINGS?
NO?

THAT IS THE POINT.

THINKING YOU GOT SOMETHING... 
THAT YOU ACTUALLY DIDN'T....
BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO BUSY THINKING YOU DID... 

IS NOT THE SAME THING....
AS ACTUALLY GETTING IT.

So..... THINKING.... That they "get" ME.....
IS NOT THE SAME THING.....
AS UNDERSTANDING ME.

IF THEY CAN'T UNDERSTAND MY WORDS....
AND WHY I SAID WHAT I SAID....

HOW ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO UNDERSTAND ME?

THEY DON'T.

So "expecting" them to understand me....
ISN'T LOGICAL.

WOULDN'T IT BE GROOVY?
JUST TO BE UNDERSTOOD?

BUT? WHEN AM I? EVER? UNDERSTOOD?

WHEN I USE EXAMPLES?
THAT MAKES SENSE?

WHEN I PUT IT IN WRITING?

WHEN THERE'S NO WAY TO TWIST MY WORDS?
INTO SOMETHING I DIDN'T SAY?

ONLY THEN?

If they PUT THEMSELVES IN MY SHOES?
IF THEY EVEN CAN?

BUT WHEN DO THEY EVER DO THAT?
DO THEY EVEN TRY TO?

But??? "A*** has BOUNDARIES?"
"SHE'S TOXIC FOR HAVING BOUNDARIES!"

"FOR NOT WANTING TO PUT UP WITH MY SH*T.... AGAIN."

TRYING TO "RETURN" LIKE THEY DIDN'T FK ME AROUND....
RIGHT?

IF I DID THAT SH*T.... WOULD THEY WANT TO "RECONNECT"?
OR NO????

PROBABLY NOT.

BUT "CAN'T" PUT THEMSELVES IN MY SHOES.
NOT EVEN FOR THAT. 

DO I GAF IF THEY "UNDERSTAND" ANYTHING ELSE? NO!

BUT IF THEY UNDERSTOOD THAT... JUST THAT....
THEY'D UNDERSTAND....

WHY I HAVE THOSE "BOUNDARIES."

AND WHY I HAVE TO OPERATE FROM THAT "SPACE."

DO I WANT TO? NO?