The Realizations Suck

The realization that when someone apologizes to me
IT'S BECAUSE THEY FEEL BAD.
NOT BECAUSE THEY CARE OR ARE ACTUALLY SORRY.
They say "sorry" to relieve their own fkn GUILT.
NOT BECAUSE THEY EVER CARED ABOUT ME
OR HOW I FKN FEEL ABOUT ANYTHING!

THE REALIZATION THAT...
I DON'T GET INVITED BECAUSE THEY WANT TO SEE ME
OR TALK TO ME, OR WANT ME THERE....
IT'S BECAUSE THEY WANT SOMETHING FROM ME.

WHATEVER THAT IS.

OTHERWISE, WHY FKN HAVE ME THERE?
DO THEY WANT TO TALK?
DO THEY?
DO THEY SAY ANYTHING MORE THAN JUST "HEY"?
THAT FKN P*SSES ME OFF BTW.

I DESERVE BETTER THAN JUST "HEY."

SO I DISAPPEAR INTO MY ART CORNER.

I've been learning about sculpting. 
I've wanted to get into sculpting for a very long time. 

It'll give me 3D things to paint, not just canvas. 

IF PEOPLE WANTED ME IN THEIR LIFE....
WHY FKN TREAT ME LIKE THAT???!!!!
WHY?

TO SEE HOW MUCH I COULD "TAKE"?
BEFORE I EITHER BROKE OR GOT SO P*SSED OFF
THAT I'D WALK AWAY?

EVEN DUDES WHO TRIED TO FKN BREAK ME
FKN COULDN'T FKN BREAK ME. 

THEY TRIED. TO HAVE "POWER" OVER ME. 
THE "POWER" I WOULDN'T GIVE THEM.

DO THEY DESERVE "POWER"
IF THEY WANT TO TRY TO FKN BREAK ME?
FK NO.

I COULD FKN DO THAT SHIT, BUT WHY WOULD I?

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO GET OUT OF THAT?
WOULD IT BE AN EGO THING?

IT WOULDN'T FEEL GOOD TO ME
TO TRY TO FKN BREAK SOMEONE.

EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THAT IF I WANTED TO, 
I REALLY FKN COULD.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO.
NOTHING IN IT FOR ME.

DOESN'T FEEL GOOD TO ME.
BECAUSE IT'S NOT RIGHT TO DO THAT SH*T.

ESPECIALLY TO PEOPLE WHO DON'T DESERVE IT!
WHAT DID I DO TO MIRROR SMASHER? 
WHAT DID I DO TO THIS OTHER GUY?

DID I FKN DO ANYTHING TO THEM?
TO DESERVE TO BE TREATED THE WAY THEY DID ME?
NO.

WHY WOULD I?

Yet, this is what I get...

How Would You Feel?

So tonight, I got a text from that guy who was ignoring me. 
He didn't reply to me, so I didn't reply to him. 

FOR OVER A MONTH. HE SAID NOTHING BUT JUST HEY.

AND HE HAS ANOTHER FB ACCOUNT.
THAT HE HAS BEEN UPDATING, 
BUT SAID NOTHING ABOUT.

So he texted me today to say he was sorry about:
HOW HE ACTED THAT MORNING.

THINGS LED UP TO THAT.
THERE ARE OTHER THINGS HE COULD BE APOLOGIZING FOR, TOO.

HOW HE ACTED THAT MORNING WAS JUST PART OF IT.

Until he sees that.... WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY?
POINT IT OUT TO HIM?

WE ALL KNOW HOW THAT GOES, RIGHT?
MIRROR SMASHER COMES TO MIND ON THAT....

PEOPLE DON'T LIKE BEING TOLD
WHAT THEY ARE DOING WRONG. 

AND THEY SHOULD ALREADY FKN KNOW!!!!!!!

BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T WANT ME
TO FKN TREAT THEM THE WAY THEY FKN TREATED ME.

AND THE ONLY REASON THEY SAY SORRY
ISN'T FOR ME....

IT'S BECAUSE THEY FKN FEEL BAD FOR ACTING LIKE A SH*T.

SO HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL ABOUT THAT?

AND NOTHING FOR OVER A MONTH, BUT "HEY."
NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOT EVEN THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But wanted me to know that they feel good
BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T DRANK SINCE THEY SAW ME?
WHY WERE THEY DRINKING?
THEY KNEW I DIDN'T.

THEY KNOW I DON'T.

THEY TOLD ME THEY WERE SOBER!
FOR 4 FKN MONTHS!

NOT ONLY WAS HE DRUNK, 
BUT HE WAS TRYING TO GET ME TO S*CK HIM OFF FFS.

MULTIPLE TIMES,

AFTER I SAID NO THE FIRST FKN TIME.
KEPT TRYING.

HOW THEY ACTED THAT MORNING?
WHAT ABOUT HOW THEY ACTED THAT NIGHT?

ANYTHING ABOUT THAT? NO?
JUST THAT MORNING?

So I don't really want to fkn deal with that sh*t.

Reflection Time

If you've read some of my older stuff... When I first started blogging...
You'd see that it was EASY for me to tell you
WHAT OTHERS WERE DOING WRONG. 

But when was I looking at what I was doing wrong?
I had a hard time looking at myself. 

Probably there was so much SHAME there...
THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT.

IT'S OKAY TO FEEL ASHAMED OF OURSELVES.
IT MEANS THAT WE THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

IF WE REFUSED TO THINK ABOUT IT...
WOULD WE FEEL ASHAMED?
ANY SHAME?

PROBABLY NOT.

PROBABLY WOULDN'T FEEL MUCH OF ANYTHING!!!!!

Did I feel much of anything?
OTHER THAN FEELINGS I DIDN'T WANT TO FEEL?

Let's talk about feelings, since I haven't written about that in a while...

It's pretty easy to guess how I would feel....
If you can put yourself in my shoes....
ABOUT THINGS I WRITE ABOUT...

ABOUT SO MUCH BS....

Unfair shit!!!!!!!!!!

IF I ACTED LIKE THAT.....
HOW WOULD IT LOOK?

ON ME? IT WOULD BE ON ME!!!!!
WHO ELSE WOULD IT BE ON?

HOW I ACT IS ON ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOW THEY ACT IS ON THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOT ON ME. 
THEY CAN FK OFF WITH THAT SH*T.

But... When I look back.... 
I wasn't looking at myself
BECAUSE THERE WAS A LOT TO BE/FEEL
ASHAMED ABOUT...
ABOUT MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOW I THOUGHT/ACTED/LIVED.

Not that I live it thousands of times better than how I used to...
But do I GET DRUNK EVERY DAY?
TO AVOID THINGS?
TO "RUNAWAY"?
TO "TRY NOT TO FEEL THINGS"
THAT I WILL EVENTUALLY ANYWAY?

EVEN IF I DON'T WANT TO?

I'll tell you something about what happened when I....
QUIT DRINKING.

All these emotions that I tried to REPRESS.
CAME FLOODING BACK.
INTENSELY.
OVERWHELMINGLY. 

THAT DRIVES PEOPLE TO DRINK.
TO RELAPSE.

BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW WTF TO DO WITH....
ALL OF.... THAT.

That's likely why they drank in the first place... 

There was a time that I "couldn't" be "around certain people"
UNLESS I WAS DRUNK.

BECAUSE I COULDN'T FKN HANDLE THEIR SH*T. 

NOW, I RARELY DEAL WITH THEIR SH*T.
BECAUSE I'M MORE AND MORE AND MORE
ON MY OWN. 

I DGAF IF I AM SOCIAL OR SECLUDED.
IT'S COMFORT, IN MY SECLUSION NOW. 

Most people don't get that....
ESPECIALLY IF THEY "CAN'T" BE "ALONE."

I'M NOT ALONE WHEN I AM BY MYSELF. 
I DON'T "FEEL LONELY" LIKE I USED TO, 

THE LONELINESS WAS A LONGING
TO "BELONG" WITH OTHER PEOPLE. 

NOW THAT I DGAF ABOUT BEING AROUND ANYONE....
NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME ANYWAY... 

THEY QUESTION ME ALL THE FKN TIME!!!!!!!
BUT DO THEY.....
QUESTION.....
THEMSELVES???????? 

DO THEY?
JUST QUESTION ME AND MY INTENTION?
WTF?

QUESTION YOUR OWN FKN INTENTIONS!!!!!!!!
FKERS!!!!! YOUR OWN!!!!!

NEVER MIND ABOUT MINE!!!!!!

BECAUSE MINE....
HAVE FK ALL TO DO WITH ANYONE....

ANYONE BUT ME.
MINE ARE FOR ME.

TO FEEL BETTER THAN I HAVE, 
BECAUSE I ACTUALLY CAN....

FKN ATTACKED FOR NO REASON....
BECAUSE THEY WON'T LOOK AT THEMSELVES....
FK THAT. FK THEM.
THEY CAN FK OFF WITH THAT.

NOT DEFENDING MYSELF AND MY CHOICES.
ESPECIALLY WHEN I AM JUST DOING MY STUFF. 

I LET PEOPLE DO THEIR STUFF. 
IF THEY WANT MY ATTENTION, THEY CAN ASK FOR IT.

OTHERWISE THEY WON'T GET WHAT THEY WANT
IF THEY TRY TO PLAY GAMES TO TRY TO GET IT. 

NO NEED FOR THAT SH*T. 
WHEN THEY SEE THERE IS NO NEED FOR IT, 
MAYBE THEY WILL FKN STOP.
JUST STOP. 
JUST.... STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND START...... ACTING RIGHT!!!!
IT'S NOT ACTUALLY HARD TO ACT RIGHT.

AND HAVE ACTUAL RESPECT FOR SOMEONE ELSE.

Like today, I went to go throw some stuff out in the dumpster in the back.
And there was a dude in there, looking for cans in there. 

He was getting out, but he was like launching himself out, 
and I was right there, and it scared me... 

He could have said, "I'm going to get out now."
To let me know or something. 

He was launching himself out. 
I was right there. 
It seemed, in the moment,
that he was launching himself towards me. 
He wasn't; he was only getting out. 

When I said, "You scared me."
"Well, I have to get out.... It's not like I live in there."
"Well, I didn't fkn think you did!!!! I live HERE, and I'm just trying to throw stuff out."

All he had to do was give me a bit of a heads up. 
THAT IS ALL. 

SIMPLE.

BUT..... DO I GET ANY COURTESY?
BUT I HAVE TO EXTEND EVERY COURTESY TO EVERYONE ELSE?

"EXCUSE ME WHILE I RUMMAGE THROUGH THE DUMPSTER."
"EXCUSE ME WHILE I LAUNCH MYSELF OUT."
"EXCUSE ME."

YEAH? WELL FKN EXCUSE ME TOO MOFO!

I'M SUPPOSED TO FKN EXCUSE EVERYONE
ALL THE FKN TIME
NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO OR FKN SAY TO ME....

BUT WATCH WHAT I  DO AND SAY TO EVERYONE????

HOW IS THAT FAIR?

THAT'S WHY I RARELY GO BACK THERE.
I DON'T LIKE GOING OVER THERE. 

BECAUSE OF SH*T LIKE THAT.

ONE TIME THERE WAS A NAKED TWEAKER BACK THERE FFS.

But... EXCUSE ME FOR THROWING SOMETHING OUT.
FFS.

Anyway, I didn't start writing this post to talk about that stuff. 

I started it to write about some other stuff... 
Stuff like why I wasn't looking at myself. 
Why I didn't want to. 

Those feelings are difficult to FACE. 

SHAME, GUILT, AND OTHER THINGS.
SELF-LOATHING, TOO.

LOTS OF DEPRESSION RELATED FEELINGS, TOO. 

SADNESS, MOSTLY. DISAPPOINTMENT....
DEPRESSION ISN'T JUST "ONE THING"
IT'S A LOT OF FEELINGS, TANGLED UP.

IT'S NOT JUST "FEELING SAD."
OR "UNMOTIVATED."
OR WHATEVER ELSE. 

"UNHAPPY."

WHAT PEOPLE DON'T MENTION.... IS:
DISSATISFACTION. 

A lot of dis words... 
But DISSATISFACTION is ONE of them. 

But... Taking pills doesn't cure those "feelings."
AS I HAVE DISCOVERED, MYSELF.

I had to look at A LOT OF STUFF ABOUT MYSELF.
THAT'S WHY I WRITE ABOUT IT. 

Maybe there are people who are "like me." In some ways. 
Maybe they can sort of relate in some ways. 

About the things I write about, like why I wasn't looking at myself. 
I DIDN'T LIKE MYSELF. 
I WAS NOT COMFORTABLE WITH MYSELF.
I DIDN'T LIKE WHAT I WAS SEEING. 
ABOUT MYSELF. WHEN I DID LOOK.

OR WHEN SOMEONE TOLD ME THE TRUTH
ABOUT MYSELF. 

I WAS DEFENSIVE TO CRITICISM.
I DIDN'T TAKE IT WELL.

EVEN THOUGH IT WAS TRUE, FOR THE MOST PART.

I say for the "most part" because nobody KNOWS ME
THE WAY I KNOW MYSELF NOW. 

NOBODY COULD.

BECAUSE I KNOW MYSELF WELL, NOW.

I COULD NEVER EXPECT THEM TO.
EITHER.

BECAUSE THEY FKN CAN'T.

HOW MANY KNOW THEMSELVES?
THE WAY I KNOW MYSELF?
HOW MANY?

How many took the TIME?
To think DEEPER?
TO LOOK?

AT THEMSELVES?

If it was easy to do it, 
EVERYONE WOULD DO IT. 

1) IT'S NOT EASY
2) IT'S NOT FUN OR PLEASANT
3) IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO GO DEEP
4) DEEP PAST THE BS
5) THE BS OF WHO WE'VE BEEN
6) TO GET TO WHERE/WHO/HOW WE COULD BE

It's that simple. 

Because... I was 20 years old when I started writing this thing.

Now? I'm 42 years old.... Living here... 

For now... 

Because this is what it is.... For now.

Like the last place.

Like any place I've been at.

Until... I get somewhere....
With what I'm doing. 

With what I'm planning... 

Because I have to start somewhere.
With something... 

And do some things that I enjoy... 

Because life IS TOO SHORT
TO BE MISERABLE
JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE YOU THOUGHT
COULD FKN GROW UP 
AND DID A LONG TIME AGO
ACTUALLY DIDN'T
AND DOESN'T FKN WANT TO!
FOR YOU, FOR THEMSELF, 
FOR FKN ANYONE OR ANYTHING!
DOESN'T FKN WANT TO!

LIFE IS TOO SHORT FOR THAT!!!!!!!!!!

AND CRAP LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT IS! IT FKN IS!

TOO SHORT NOT TO DEAL WITH MYSELF, 
SEE MYSELF, FACE MYSELF, 
REFLECT ON MYSELF, 
MY WAYS, 
MY HABITS, 
EVERYTHING.

IF ANYONE WANTS TO REALLY CHANGE, 
THEY HAVE TO!!!!!

CHANGE WON'T HAPPEN UNTIL THEY DO.

AND CAN'T BLAME ANYONE ELSE!

FOR WHAT WE ARE NOT LOOKING AT!

OR WHY WE AREN'T LOOKING AT IT.

Why Is THAT?

If you saw how she reacted when I told her
THAT I COULDN'T GIVE HER THE TIME SHE WANTED
RIGHT WHEN SHE WANTED IT, 
THAT I WOULD GIVE HER TIME THE NEXT DAY....
If you saw how she reacted to that....
You would know why I wasn't even expecting to ever hear from her again. 
But it seems when someone wants something
they don't care about how they reacted to anything
TOWARDS ME. 

IF I ACTED LIKE THAT, THEY COULD DROP ME. 
I KNOW THIS.
IT WOULD BE THEIR RIGHT TO DO SO.

I DON'T REACT LIKE THAT.

IT ISN'T FAIR. 

It just bothers me when some things are UNFAIR
AND NOBODY SEEMS TO REALIZE
HOW FKN UNFAIR SOMETHING WAS TO ME.

How they act when they don't get what they want
SAYS EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM. 

SAYS WHAT KIND OF PERSON THEY ARE. 

If they have a fkn TANTRUM, they can fk off. 

ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE FULL ADULTS. 
WHO SHOULD BE GROWN ENOUGH
NOT TO ACT LIKE THAT. 

Anyone trying to guilt me or manipulate my feelings
WITH PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE SH*T|
OR ANY OTHER BS
GETS FK ALL FROM ME. 

FROM NOW ON. 

I'm just so tired of that crap. 
I have been for a long time. 

MAYBE IT WORKS ON SOME PEOPLE, 
BUT NOT ON ME. 

IT P*SSES ME OFF; IT'S ABOUT ALL THAT IT DOES. 

But, one would think
an ADULT
would know better
than to do that sh*t.

BUT TOO MANY "ADULTS"
DON'T FKN ACT LIKE ADULTS!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY IS THAT?