Expectations

I saw something that reminded me of something.

It was a post.... ABOUT A WELLNESS CHECK.

THE PERSON WHO POSTED IT....

SAID SHE BLOCKED A "FRIEND" FOR IGNORING HER
WHEN SHE WAS GRIEVING... 

THEN THE PERSON SHE BLOCKED....
DID A WELLNESS CHECK ON HER A MONTH LATER.

AT HER WORK.

1) SHE EXPECTED WHAT SHE THOUGHT OF AS SUPPORT
IN HER GRIEF... 


2) THE WELLNESS CHECK HAPPENED A MONTH AFTER SHE GOT BLOCKED.

IT SEEMS WHEN PEOPLE ARE GRIEVING....
THEY WANT ALL THEIR FEELINGS VALIDATED
AND WANT SUPPORT FROM THEIR FRIENDS

WITHOUT REALIZING THEIR FRIENDS
ARE DROPPING THINGS FROM THEIR OWN LIVES
TO BE "SUPPORTIVE."

I KNEW A FEMALE...
HER DAUGHTER DIED.

SHE HAD GHOSTED ME FOR LIKE 2 YEARS....
AND SHE WANTED MY SUPPORT.....

WAS I OBLIGATED TO "SUPPORT" HER?
AFTER SHE GHOSTED ME? NO?

I DROPPED EVERYTHING.
SPENT A WEEK SUPPORTING HER... A WEEK.

WHERE EVERYTHING WAS ABOUT HER.

SHE WAS BEING FKN SELFISH! VERY!

EXPECTED EVERYONE TO DROP EVERYTHING
FOR HER
BECAUSE SHE WAS GRIEVING!

AFTER SHE ALREADY BLOCKED ME!

BECAUSE SHE CAN'T BE TOLD ANYTHING
THAT SHE DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR!

SHE DOESN'T LIKE TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
FOR HER OWN CHOICES....

AND THAT'S WHY SHE GHOSTED ME!

AND I DIDN'T HEAR FROM HER UNTIL SHE NEEDED ME....

BUT? SHE HAD NEW FRIENDS? WHO COULD SUPPORT HER?

WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE ME?

NOT THAT I CAN'T BE A FRIEND AND SUPPORT SOMEONE....

I DID SUPPORT HER FOR A WEEK!

BUT SHE..... IS VERY SELF-ABSORBED.
AND EVERYTHING HAD TO BE ABOUT HER
AND WHAT SHE WANTED....

ALL THE DAMN TIME.

OVER REALLY STUPID THINGS.
SHE "NEEDED" TO BE IN CONTROL.

SHE IS BOSSY, AND I HATE IT.
SHE WAS BEING A B*TCH TO HER MOTHER.
SO I SAID THAT I COULD JUST LEAVE, TOO.
BECAUSE SHE MADE HER MOTHER LEAVE.

WHEN I SAID SHE WANTED ME TO.
CALLED MY BLUFF.

SO I LEFT.

TRIED TO GUILT ME FOR LEAVING.
AFTER TELLING ME TO!

AFTER BEING THERE FOR A WEEK!
MAKING EVERYTHING EASIER FOR HER!

THAT'S ALL SHE WANTED ME THERE FOR ANYWAY!
TO BE A "FRIEND." RIGHT?

AND BECAUSE I LEFT... SHE WANTED HER KEYS BACK...
SPARE KEYS....
BECAUSE I WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF HER CATS...
BECAUSE SHE WAS LEAVING TOWN FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS...

AND SHE "FOUND" SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT.
WANTED HER KEYS BACK.
I GAVE THEM BACK.

THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I SAW HER.

BUT MY SILENCE..... MEANS XYZ. RIGHT?
I HAD TO DEFEND HER MOTHER AND MYSELF.

BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T GET WHAT SHE WANTED!
WHAT A SPOILED B*TCH!

SHE UNBLOCKED ME TO HAVE MY "SUPPORT."
AND THEN MY "SUPPORT" MEANT SH*T TO HER....
SO WHY DID SHE WANT IT?

BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT I'D BE EASY TO CONTROL!

BECAUSE SHE USED TO TRY TO BOSS ME AROUND!

AND SHE PROBABLY DOESN'T TRY TO BOSS PEOPLE AROUND
WHO WON'T LET HER DO IT!
RIGHT?

AND THE TIME SHE COULDN'T GUILT ME
BECAUSE SHE ALREADY CALLED MY BLUFF....

TRYING TO MANIPULATE ME....
BACK INTO HER LIFE....
USING "I NEED SUPPORT" AS AN EXCUSE... 

EVEN THOUGH SHE FOUND SOMEONE ELSE
TO TAKE CARE OF HER CATS....

BECAUSE SHE HAD "OTHERS" IN HER LIFE. RIGHT?

NOT JUST ME?

BUT SHE WANTED WHAT SHE WANTED?
YET AGAIN?

SHE WANTED TO CONTROL THE NARRATIVE, TOO!

"A***'S XYZ...."
NOT "A*** SACRIFICED A WEEK FOR ME....
MADE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME....
LIKE I KNEW SHE WOULD....
AFTER I GHOSTED HER FOR 2 YEARS."

RIGHT?

NOTHING EVER GOOD TO SAY ABOUT ME?
JUST "A***'S XYZ!"?

"BECAUSE A*** DIDN'T DO WHAT I WANTED!"
"I DIDN'T GET MY WAY FOR THE BILLIONTH TIME!"
"SHE WANTED ME TO SEE MY OWN ACTIONS!"
"I WAS ACTING LIKE A BRAT, LIKE USUAL!"

AND THEN? ALL KINDS OF BS ABOUT ME....
SH*T TALKING TO EVERYONE AND ANYONE!

BUT DOES ANYONE WANT TO TELL MY SIDE? NO?

SO MUCH TIME INVESTED.... FOR THAT.

SHE WILL NEVER ACKNOWLEDGE HER PART! EVER!

IT'S BEEN 2+ YEARS!

SHE NEVER "NEEDED" ME.....
SHE JUST WANTED ME TO "TAKE CARE OF HER"
AND I DID!

AND I STILL DON'T GET HER "RESPECT"?
OR "APPROVAL"?

I DON'T WANT IT!

UNFAIRLY REPRESENT ME.... TO EVERYONE.... OKAY.

NOBODY WILL UNDERSTAND
THAT SHE CALLED MY BLUFF.

OR THAT SHE GHOSTED ME FOR 2 YEARS
RIGHT BEFORE THIS....

AND HOW SHE TREATED ME LIKE I DIDN'T EXIST!
FOR 2 YEARS!

UNTIL? SHE "NEEDED" ME?

"DON'T NEED YOU NOW THAT YOU WON'T BOW DOWN TO ME."

OKAY.

IT REMINDED ME OF THAT.

"I WANT YOUR SUPPORT!"
UNTIL? *GHOSTED*

SO IS THEIR SUPPORT SO SPECIAL AND APPRECIATED?

IF THEY JUST *BLOCK* BECAUSE?
THEY DIDN'T GET WHAT THEY WANTED
WHEN THEY WANTED IT?
HOW THEY WANTED IT?

WHAT KIND OF A FRIEND IS THAT?

OKAY. I DON'T NEED THAT.

FKN EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF I ACTED LIKE THAT?
AND THEN ACTED LIKE SHE WAS THE PROBLEM?

"SUPPORT ME! OR YOU'RE A B*TCH!"

THEN? "SUPPORT ME UNTIL I GHOST YOU!"

"UNTIL I MAKE YOU THE PROBLEM."

FOR HAVING ENOUGH OF MY ENTITLEMENT.

PRETTY MUCH.

"HOW DARE YOU TRY TO GET ME TO SEE HOW I'M ACTING!"

YEAH? HOW DARE YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME
FOR A WHOLE WEEK
AND ACT LIKE YOU HAD "OTHERS" ALL ALONG
AND NEVER "NEEDED" ME.

YOU THINK I "NEED" YOU?
I LET YOU FK OFF.... FOR 2 YEARS. RIGHT?

YOU WEREN'T BOSSING ME AROUND FOR 2 YEARS!
UNTIL YOU "NEEDED" ME?

UNTIL YOU DIDN'T?

THAT WAS A SLAP IN THE FACE TO ME! OKAY?

AND MAKING ME THE VILLAIN AFTERWARD....
IS ANOTHER SLAP IN THE FACE!

AND IF THEY TRY TO COME BACK....
THEY WANT SOMETHING!

THEY CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT THEMSELVES!

AND LOOK HOW THEY ACT!

LIKE I'M NOTHING?
TO THEM?

AFTER TAKING, TAKING, TAKING, TAKING.....

THEN?

BUT I'M NOT ALLOWED TO SAY ANYTHING?
BECAUSE THEY ARE USING THEIR GRIEF
AS SOMETHING TO USE AS AN EXCUSE
TO ACT HOWEVER THEY WANT TO?

IF I DIED..... THEY WANTED TO JUST PLAY
ON MY HEARTSTRING!

WHILE PLAYING! 

I HAD TO LEAVE PEOPLE BEHIND ME.
BECAUSE THEY WANT TO ACT HOWEVER....

WHENEVER THEY WANT....
FOR WHATEVER EXCUSE....

THEY DON'T EVEN SEE WHERE THEY DID ME WRONG!

AND PEOPLE STAY WHERE I LEAVE THEM.
THEY DON'T THINK ABOUT ANYTHING I SAY.

12 YEAR DISCARD.....
NEVER WANTED ME.

HE WANTED ME ON HIS "ROSTER."
JUST LIKE BEFORE.

BECAUSE IT WASN'T ABOUT HOW HE DIPPED.
RIGHT?

OR HOW HE WAS TRYING TO GASLIGHT ME...
RIGHT?

WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE ON HIS "ROSTER"?
FK THAT BS.

THEY WANT TO TEST ME TO SEE IF THEIR TACTICS
WOULD WORK!

THAT'S WHAT THEY WANTED!
TO SEE IF THEIR BS WOULD WORK!

EXPECTED ME TO STILL BE ON THE SHELF HE PUT ME ON!!!!!!!!!!!

12 YEARS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY WOULD THAT NOT BE FKN INSULTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

INSULTED MYSELF FOR LETTING ANYONE
JUST PUT ME ON A DAMN SHELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FK THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEY LITERALLY DID THAT TO ME FOR YEARS!!!!!!!!!!

WHY? BECAUSE THEY WANTED WHAT THEY WANTED!
TRAUMA-BONDS!

THEY WILL TRY TO TEST YOU
AND TRY TO MAKE YOU ACCEPT THEIR SH*T.

HOW WOULD THEY SEE ME
IF THEY CAN'T SEE THEMSELVES?

NO? THEY WOULDN'T?

I NEVER HAD TO TAKE SCRAPS FROM ANYONE.
I NEVER WANTED SCRAPS FROM ANYONE.

I WAS GIVING MYSELF SCRAPS.

NOT EVEN SCRAPS.
LIKE SCRAPS OF THE SCRAPS.

I WANT TO BE HAPPY.
CAN I BE HAPPY WITH THAT BS? NO?
I WASN'T?

JUST BECAUSE I'M STRONG ENOUGH
TO HANDLE BAGGAGE....

DOESN'T MEAN I WANT TO HANDLE
EVERYONE'S BS.

THEY CAN DO THAT SH*T TO THE "OTHERS"
RIGHT?

WHY DO THAT TO ME?

I ALREADY HAD TO SET BOUNDARIES
AND MY BOUNDARIES WERE IGNORED?

LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY:

A LOT OF PEOPLE.... 
WANT TO BENEFIT
FROM YOU NOT HAVING BOUNDARIES.
OR FOR LETTING THEM CROSS THEM.

I GRIEVED THINGS.... BECAUSE
THEY WEREN'T WHAT I THOUGHT THEY WERE!

IF THEY AREN'T, THEY AREN'T! RIGHT?

IF PEOPLE HEARD ME....
CONSIDERED WHAT I WAS SAYING....
AND CONSIDERED THEIR ACTIONS....

THAT WOULD BE DIFFERENT! RIGHT?
BUT? THEY REFUSED TO? YEAH?

THEY JUST WANTED WHAT THEY EXPECTED.
OUT OF ME.

THAT IS WHAT THEY WANTED.

IT WASN'T ABOUT ME AS A PERSON.
IT WAS ABOUT WHAT THEY WERE EXPECTING!
FROM ME!

THAT'S WHAT THEY WANTED!

LIKE THAT WOMAN WHO POSTED....
"SHE WAS IGNORING ME.... SHE WASN'T A FRIEND.
SO I BLOCKED HER...
SHE WASN'T BEING A FRIEND."

WELP, YOU BLOCKED HER.
WERE YOU BEING A FRIEND?
BY SELFISHLY EXPECTING HER TIME AND ENERGY?
AND CONSTANT ATTENTION?

AND WHEN YOU DIDN'T GET IT?
NOTHING ELSE ABOUT HER MATTERED?
EXCEPT FOR WHAT YOU WANTED?
IN THAT MOMENT?
NOT WHAT SHE WANTED?

WHEN YOU BLOCK SOMEONE....
THEY AREN'T CULPABLE....
FOR HOW YOU FEEL ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GOOD OR BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I'M GRIEVING. I'M GOING TO GHOST THEM!
LIKE THEY ARE DEAD TO ME!"

THEN ARE YOU GOING TO "GRIEVE" THEM TOO?
AFTER THINKING ABOUT...
THE SUPPORT YOU USED TO GET?
AND CAN'T "DEMAND" ANYMORE?

OR ARE YOU GOING TO UNBLOCK THEM....
THE NEXT TIME YOU WANT AND EXPECT
THEIR SUPPORT
BECAUSE THEY WERE LOYAL TO YOU????

WHAT WAS 12 YEAR DISCARD EXPECTING OF ME?

SOMETHING HE WANTED? MY SUPPORT?
MY "FRIENDSHIP"
THAT HE TOOK FOR GRANTED?

12 YEARS AGO?

OR WANTED ME ON HIS "ROSTER" AS AN OPTION AGAIN?

"LET'S KEEP A*** ON THE SHELF AGAIN!"

NO..... I DIDN'T BELONG ON THE SHELF.

WOULD THEY WANT ME TO DO THAT TO THEM?

PUT THEM ON A SHELF UNTIL I "NEED" THEM?

IGNORE THE FACT THAT THEY HAVE FEELINGS?

THAT I'M A PERSON WHO CARES?
AND TRIED?

THEY DON'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND....
ANYTHING ABOUT ME.

LIKE I'M NOT EVEN HUMAN OR SOMETHING.... SIGH.

LIKE STEALING MY IDEAS....
TO TRY TO BE "BETTER" THAN ME....
AND TRY TO GET ALL THE "CREDIT."

IF PEOPLE WANT THE "CREDIT" THAT BAD....
THEY CAN HAVE IT.

BUT THEY ARE MISSING SOME "INGREDIENTS."

HERE'S SOMETHING....

AN EXAMPLE....

THERE'S A DOCTOR WHO HAS A CURE FOR CANCER....
HE FOUND A FORMULA THAT WORKED.

BECAUSE HE DID SOME TESTS.
WHAT HE FOUND OUT AS A RESULT OF THE TESTS....

WAS THE INFO HE USED TO.... FORMULATE IT.

A BIG COMPANY TRIED TO STEAL IT.
BECAUSE THEY WANTED THE MONEY.

BUT? THEY HAD IT INCOMPLETE.

THINGS WERE MISSING.
THAT ONLY THE DOCTOR KNEW. 

RIGHT?

WITHOUT THOSE THINGS....
IT WASN'T GOING TO WORK!

RIGHT?

PEOPLE WHO TRY TO STEAL THINGS....
DON'T KNOW THE MISSING PIECES!

RIGHT?

THEY JUST EXPECT IT TO "WORK!"
AS STOLEN!

RIGHT?

IT'S KINDA LIKE THAT.
SO WHEN SOMEONE TAKES SOMETHING FROM ME....
REACTING DOES WHAT?
DRAGS ME INTO THE MUD WITH THEM?

THEY CAN TRY IT!
AND THE MISSING PIECES....
ARE GOING TO BE MISSING? YEAH?

NOT SOMETHING THEY COULD STEAL OR COPY?

HMMM!

THAT'S WHY I DON'T BOTHER!

THE PARTS THAT ARE MISSING....
WILL BE MISSING!

AND EVEN THOUGH THEY CAN'T PUT THEIR FINGER ON IT....

THOSE PARTS.... AREN'T THERE.

THE PEOPLE THEY TRY TO FOOL.... WILL RUN!
RIGHT?

BECAUSE PEOPLE DON'T LIKE BEING FOOLED?

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SOMETHING IS BUILT ON LIES?
IT FALLS APART!

RIGHT?

THE ONLY THING I NEEDED TO BE WAS REAL.
I NEVER HAD TO TRY TO BE LIKE ANYONE.

BEING REAL ISN'T SOMETHING YOU CAN "COPY."

LIKE MY "WORK."

HOW MANY PEOPLE TRY TO TAKE IT....
AND TRY TO CLAIM IT.

THEY TRY IT. THEN THEY SEE....
THAT THEY CAN'T EXACTLY "PULL IT OFF."

THEY WANT MY SUCCESS BEFORE I CAN "COMPLETE"
MY OWN STUFF.

GOOD THINGS TAKE TIME. RIGHT?

AND NOBODY CAN CLAIM "ME" WITHOUT BEING ME.
RIGHT?

THAT IS THE MISSING PIECE....
BUT I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL THEM THAT!

RIGHT?

PEOPLE DO NOT LIKE BEING FOOLED!
OR "COPIED."

OR WHATEVER ELSE.

LIKE.... I WAS JUST DOING MY OWN THING.
RIGHT?

IS IT TEMPTING TO "COPY" SOMEONE? YEAH?
BUT? I AM AN ORIGINAL.

IF I TRIED TO COPY SOMEONE....
IT WOULD LOOK LIKE A COPY!

RIGHT?

AND PEOPLE CAN SEE THAT?
YEAH?

THEY DON'T LIKE IT.

I SEE WHEN SOMEONE TAKES MY DESIGN....
MY IDEAS... ETC.

IS MY "SUPERPOWER" JUST MY "VIBE"?

OR IS IT THE DISCIPLINE BEHIND..... WHAT I BUILD?

LIKE TRYING TO MAKE "PRINTS" OF MY WORK....
AND TRYING TO CLAIM IT'S NOT A "PRINT."

WHEN SOMEONE THINKS IT'S THE REAL DEAL... 
AND FINDS OUT IT'S A "PRINT..."

THE REAL DEAL STARTS LOOKING BETTER!
RIGHT?

WHEN SOMEONE GHOSTS ME....
THEY END THE "OBLIGATION"
TO THEM.

MINE.

THEY EXPECTED ME TO CHASE. RIGHT?
AND WHEN I DON'T?

ALL THE ENERGY I GAVE OUT....
THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT.

AND THEIR EGO.... CAN'T "TAKE"
THAT I WANTED THEM TO STOP THEIR BS....
AND STEP UP.

EVERY TIME I POINTED SOMETHING OUT?
DEFLECT! DENY! ETC!

BUT? THEY WANT MY ENERGY?

I'M SUPPOSED TO GIVE ENDLESSLY?
FOR DEFLECTION?
AND DENIAL?

I WOULD HAVE BEEN.... AN "OPPORTUNITY...."
TO "CHANGE AND GROW...."
THAT THEY.... 

DIDN'T WANT TO TAKE.

THEY WANTED THE OPPORTUNITY....
THEY DIDN'T WANT WHAT THE OPPORTUNITY
WOULD HAVE MEANT.

THEY WANTED ME TO BE "STAGNANT"
SO THEY COULD FEEL BETTER!

AND I'M SUPPOSED TO TAKE... 
"LOVE BOMBING"
BECAUSE THEY WANT MY ATTENTION BACK?

FOR WHAT?

WHAT DID THEY DO WITH MY ATTENTION?
WHEN THEY HAD IT?

WHAT WAS IT THAT THEY WANTED?
THAT THEY WERE PAYING ATTENTION TO?

BECAUSE THEY WANTED IT?

WHAT?

WASN'T ME!

RIGHT?

THEY DON'T THINK THAT PUTTING ME THROUGH CRAP....
WILL SHARPEN THINGS ABOUT ME
THAT WERE ALREADY THERE!

IF SOMEONE TRULY "LOVED" ME....
AS A FRIEND EVEN.... 

WOULD THEY "NEED" ME TO BE "SMALL"
TO FEEL "BIGGER" THAN ME?

OR COULD I JUST SHINE IN MY OWN RIGHT?
NEXT TO THEM?

OR EVEN TOGETHER?

THEY DON'T! IT WAS ABOUT WHAT? TAKING?
ANYTHING THEY COULD GET FROM ME?

INCLUDING MY DESIGNS?
MY STYLE?

OTHER THINGS?

MY IDEAS?

THEY CAN'T TAKE "ME" FROM ME.
THAT'S WHAT THEY CAN'T HAVE.
THEY GET MAD ABOUT THAT.

I DON'T WANT TO TAKE "THEM" FROM THEM.

I WANT "ME" FROM ME.

AND IF I CAN'T SAY HOW I FEEL, EVEN....
AND WHY.....

IS THERE A POINT?

IF EVERYTHING IS ON THEIR TERMS....
ONLY....

AND IF I NEVER "MEANT" ANYTHING....
WHY BOTHER???????

IF THEY DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE A CHOICE ABOUT ME....

I WAS ONLY A FKN EMOTIONAL "UTILITY..."
AND THEY ONLY WANTED SOMETHING SUPERFICIAL.....

WTF WAS I EVEN THERE FOR?

FOR ATTENTION?

WHEN THEY NEED.... XYZ..... KINDNESS....
SOMETHING....

THEY CAME TO ME?

BUT I WASN'T ALLOWED TO FEEL ANYTHING ABOUT IT?

AND ALL I GOT WAS EXCUSE AFTER EXCUSE AFTER EXCUSE?

THEY COME AND GO WHEN THEY WANT SOMETHING?

AND I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE THAT?

HOPING THEY WOULDN'T DO THAT....
WAS WHAT?

HOPING!

IT'S COOL TO WANT SOMETHING FROM ME?
BUT IT'S NOT COOL FOR ME TO WANT SOMETHING?

LIKE NOT TO BE "USED" AS AN EMOTIONAL SUPPORT HUMAN?
WHEN THEY DON'T EVEN SEE ME AS A HUMAN?

I GAVE CHANCES FOR THEM TO FKN UNDERSTAND.
AND THEY NEVER DID!

RIGHT?

BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT TO?

AND IF THEY DIDN'T WANT TO UNDERSTAND....
DID THEY WANT TO CHANGE? NO?

MAYBE UNDERSTANDING MEANT CHANGING!
MAYBE CHANGING MEANT UNDERSTANDING!

ACTING LIKE I WAS A FKN PAWN!
NOT A PERSON!

AND THEY THOUGHT I'D BE OKAY WITH THAT.

NO. I'M NOT OKAY WITH THAT.

THEY WANT TO BE EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE....
BUT EXPECT ME TO BE EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE!
TO THEM!
ANY TIME THEY WANT ME TO BE!

IS THAT FAIR TO ME? NO?

EVEN 12 YEARS LATER! RIGHT?

IS THAT FAIR?

AFTER PUSHING ME AWAY?
AFTER WANTING TO CONTROL AND MANIPULATE ME?

THEY WANT MY LOYALTY AFTER THAT?

THEN GET MAD THAT IT'S NOT ON THE TABLE ANYMORE?

THEY CREATED THE DISTANCE!
THEN THEY FEEL IT?

THEN THEY SEE WHAT I'M BUILDING WITHOUT THEM?
WASTING MY TIME?
KEPT ME STUCK?
ON PURPOSE?
SO I WOULDN'T DO ANYTHING WITH MY LIFE?

THEY THOUGHT I'D BE IN A HOLE, CRYING?

INSTEAD OF TAKING MYSELF OFF THE SHELF
THEY PUT ME ON?

AND APPARENTLY WANTED ME TO STAY ON?

WHY DID THEY WANT ME ON A FKN SHELF?
JUST TO DO IT?

JUST TO BE SELFISH?
AND INCONSIDERATE?

MAYBE IT TOOK ME A LONG TIME....
TO START GIVING TO MYSELF!
SHOWING UP FOR MYSELF!
CARING ABOUT BEING PUT ON A FKN SHELF!
AND EXPECTING TO STAY THERE!

AND THEY AREN'T USED TO THAT!

THEY ARE USED TO BEING CHASED!

AND I DIDN'T! WHAT WOULD I BE CHASING?
"PUT ME BACK ON THE SHELF!"

NO THANKS!
I'M GOOD WITH NOT BEING PUT ON A SHELF!

NOT USED TO PEOPLE WALKING AWAY?

WELL MAYBE THEY DON'T WANT TO BE
OR NEED TO BE SHELVED.

THEY NEED TO REFLECT ON IT
AS MUCH AS I DO....

BUT ARE THEY? NO?

THEN? NOTHING WILL CHANGE?
AND WHY WOULD I WANT THAT?

YES.... I DID FEEL "INADEQUATE."
BECAUSE IF I WAS "ADEQUATE"
WHY WOULD PEOPLE TREAT ME LIKE THAT?

THEY'D TREAT ME LIKE I WAS "ADEQUATE"?

BUT THAT FEELING.... WAS ON ME FOR FEELING IT.

I CAN HAVE STANDARDS.
AND WANTING WHAT YOU GIVE
AND WHAT OTHERS EXPECT OF YOU....

THE PEOPLE WHO PUT OTHERS ON THE SHELF....
DO THAT TO THEMSELVES! RIGHT?

IN MANY WAYS!

WAS MY SELF-ESTEEM DAMAGED? YEAH?
BEING SHELVED DOES THAT SH*T.

IT CAN FK WITH SOMEONE.

FOR YEARS, TOO.

I HAD TO BUILD MYSELF BACK UP. YEAH?
AFTER THAT.

BECAUSE OF THE DAMAGE THEY DID?
BECAUSE THEY ARE DAMAGED?

HE WASN'T GOING TO LISTEN!
TOO GOOD FOR ME!

RIGHT?

NEEDED TO BE IN "CONTROL"?

LOST CONTROL THAT WAY? YEAH?

IF SOMEONE ACTS LIKE THEY DON'T CARE.....
THEY DON'T!

AND IF THEY DON'T.... SHOULD I?

COULDN'T EVEN BE HONEST WITH ME?

NOT EVEN THAT?

AND I KNOW THAT HE HAD "OTHERS" IN HIS LIFE
THAT MEANT MORE TO HIM 
THAN I DID.

RIGHT?

WHILE WANTING TO MEAN ENOUGH TO ME
TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MY KINDNESS?

I HAD TO REFLECT TO SEE THINGS.

LIED TO ME IN THE BEGINNING...

DID I EXPECT THAT? NO?

THOUGHT HE'D BE HONEST WITH ME? YEAH?

THINGS PEOPLE SAY ABOUT ME....
COULD EVENTUALLY GET BACK TO ME.
RIGHT?

SO WHY SAY ANYTHING ABOUT ME?

JUST TO MAKE PEOPLE CURIOUS?

THEY ENJOY TALKING ABOUT ME!
THEY DO!

THEY GET SOMETHING FROM IT?

WHAT?

WHAT DO THEY GET FROM IT?

WHAT WOULD I GET FROM MAKING UP BS?
ABOUT PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW?

ANYTHING? I DOUBT IT!

THEY THINK I'M OUT THERE....
DOING THINGS THEY CAN'T "SEE."

THEY THINK I MOVE IN WAYS THEY CAN'T "DETECT."
LIKE MY SILENCE IS "STEALTH MODE."

JUST FOR SURVIVING "EMOTIONAL ATTACKS."
OR ENERGY ATTACKS....

"HOW DID SHE SURVIVE THAT?!"
"I DOUBLED DOWN THIS TIME!"
"NO WAY SHE COULD OVERCOME THAT!"

BECAUSE THEY NEVER GAVE ME ANY DAMN CREDIT!
FOR ANYTHING!

SO THEY HAVE TO HAVE A "STORY"
TO "EXPLAIN" XYZ.

"YOU DID XYZ.... AND THEY SURVIVED?"

THEY MUST BE "SOMETHING"!

NO WAY I COULD JUST BE A REGULAR PERSON?
WHO JUST HAPPENED TO BUILD A LOT OF INNER STRENGTH?

WHY DID I NEED THAT INNER STRENGTH? WHY?

BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE TRY TO TEST ME! THAT'S WHY!

AND HOW THEY ACT.... THEY ACT THAT WAY FOR A REASON!

MAYBE BECAUSE OF RUMORS?
AND THEY NEVER ASK ME ANYTHING?

FKN WEIRD WHAT SOME PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ME!

BECAUSE OF WHAT PEOPLE HAVE SAID?
ABOUT ME?

"CONSENSUS."

PEOPLE ARE "SCARED" OF MY INNER STRENGTH.
THEY ARE.

THEY DON'T KNOW WHERE IT COMES FROM! RIGHT?

DO I NEED TO EXPLAIN THAT?
SO THAT EVERYONE UNDERSTANDS EVERYTHING?

I USED TO HATE BEING MISUNDERSTOOD! I HATED IT!

BUT NOW? I DGAF! GO AHEAD AND MISUNDERSTAND ME!

DO IT! SHOULD I BE CONCERNED?
ABOUT HOW I'M BEING PERCEIVED?
WITH AN "ILLUSION"?

EVERY ILLUSION ANYONE CREATES ABOUT ME?

AND EVERYONE WHO THINKS AND BELIEVES XYZ?
WITHOUT ASKING ME ANYTHING?

JUST "I'M GOING TO BELIEVE EVERYTHING I THINK!
AND EVERYTHING EVERYONE ELSE THINKS!
ABOUT A***!"

OKAY! BELIEVE THAT!

IF YOU WANT TO THINK MY BLOOD IS PURPLE... DO IT.

IF YOU WANT TO THINK I HAVE 3 HEADS.... DO IT.

IF YOU WANT TO THINK YOU MADE ME "GO CRAZY"
THINK THAT.

IF YOU WANT TO THINK I WAS THE ONE WHO HURT YOU....
WITHOUT REALIZING WHAT YOU DID TO ME....

"I'LL SLAP A*** IN THE FACE!"
FIGURATIVELY.... OR OTHERWISE... 

Yeah, it bugged me....
THAT THEY WANTED ME TO BE "SEEN" AS "CRAZY."
AND WANTED ME TO BE "CRAZY."

THEY NEEDED ME TO "LOSE MY SH*T"
BECAUSE OF THE WAY THEY "PRESENTED" ME.

THEY NEEDED ME TO ACT OUT
TO SUPPORT THEIR LIES.

TO SUPPORT THEIR SMEAR CAMPAIGN.

BECAUSE THEY NEEDED TO HAVE CONTROL.

THEY NEEDED TO "SMEAR" ME.
BECAUSE I SAW THEM.

AS SOON AS I SAW THEM....
THEY HAD TO GET EVERYONE TO SEE ME....
THE WAY THEY WANTED ME TO!

THEY GOT MAD! THAT I CLOCKED THEM!
AND LOOK HOW THEY ACTED!

IF THEY CAN'T CONTROL ME....
THEY WANT TO TRY TO CONTROL
HOW PEOPLE LOOK AT ME....
AND HOW THEY SEE ME.

INSTEAD OF.... HOW THEY LOOK.

RIGHT?

FOR TRYING TO CONTROL ME...
AND TRYING TO CONTROL
HOW PEOPLE LOOK AT ME!

RIGHT?

NOT EVERYONE WHO BELIEVES LIES IS BAD!
THEY DON'T EXPECT THEM TO BE LIES!

RIGHT?

BUT INSTEAD OF LOOKING AT HIMSELF.....
THEY HAVE TO TRY TO "SMEAR" ME?

WISH THEY DIDN'T DO THAT SH*T, BUT THEY DO IT.

WISHING THEY DIDN'T IS WHAT?

WISHING!

WHEN I ASSAULT SOMEONE'S EGO....
THEY WANT REVENGE!

AND WHAT HAPPENS...
WHEN SOMEONE WANTS SOMEONE
WHO WANTED ME?

HMMM?

IF THEY CAN BE "STOLEN" FROM ME...
THEY CAN BE "STOLEN" FROM YOU, TOO!

HMMM!

DID THEY KNOW WHO THEY WERE DEALING WITH?
WHEN THEY TRIED TO "BREAK" ME? NO?

THEY SEE MY SOFT SIDE AND THINK
THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO ME!

RIGHT?

BUT DIDN'T THINK THAT WAS A CHOICE?

IT WAS!

DO I HAVE TO CURSE ANYONE?
AFTER THEY COME FOR ME?

NO! THEY CURSE THEMSELVES!
FOR COMING FOR ME!

THEY CAME FOR ME
BECAUSE THEY WERE SCARED OF ME!

OR THEY WOULDN'T! RIGHT?

I WAS A TEST!
TO SEE HOW PEOPLE WOULD ACT!

"ARE YOU GOING TO TREAT A*** PROPERLY?"
"OR ARE YOU GOING TO XYZ?"

EVEN IF THEY TRIED TO TAKE MY DIGNITY....
THEY TRIED TO TAKE THAT FROM ME.

WHEN PEOPLE LOSE ME....
THEY LOSE THE VERSION OF THEMSELVES
THEY WERE WITH ME.

NOT JUST ME.

THEY LOSE THE OPPORTUNITY
TO BE EVEN BETTER THAN THAT, TOO.

THEY HAVE TO SETTLE FOR THE VERSION
OF THEMSELVES THEY BECOME.

WITHOUT THAT OPPORTUNITY.

MAYBE SOMEONE ELSE
WILL HELP THEM IN THE WAYS I COULD HAVE.
I HOPE THAT FOR THEM. 

They want that, but don't know what to do with it.
When they get that.

AND THEY WILL DO THE SAME SH*T TO SOMEONE ELSE.

WHOEVER THEY TRY TO "PUNISH" ME WITH.

USING SOMEONE TO TRY TO "PUNISH" ME...
IS ONLY PUNISHING THE PERSON THEY USE TO DO IT.

BECAUSE IT MEANS THEY AREN'T "OVER" ME.
IF THEY THINK THEY HAVE TO "PUNISH" ME....
AND THINK THEY HAVE TO USE SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT....

WHAT DOES THAT LOOK LIKE?

IF THEY CREATE THAT MESS....
THEY GET TO CLEAN IT UP.

AND IF THEY CAN'T CLEAN THEMSELVES UP.....
(BECAUSE THEY PLAY GAMES)

THEY CAN'T CLEAN THAT UP.

VERY MESSY! RIGHT?

JUST ANOTHER FIRE THEY LIT. RIGHT?

AND USING SOMEONE DOESN'T USUALLY TURN OUT WELL.
ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY DON'T KNOW
THEY ARE BEING USED....
AND DON'T WANT TO BE USED....

RIGHT?

AND IF THEY FIND OUT ABOUT ME...
AND HATE ME BECAUSE THEY ARE BEING USED....
TO "PUNISH" ME.... 

THEY USUALLY TRY TO COME AT ME.

IT'S NOT EASY TO CLEAN UP MESSES LIKE THAT.

BECAUSE IT ENDS UP BEING A BIGGER MESS
THAN THEY THOUGHT.

THAT WAS THEIR CHOICE. TO DO THAT.

THEY CAUSED THAT BY CHOOSING THAT.

I ALREADY STEPPED OUT OF THAT.
NOT MY JAM.

Y'KNOW?

YOU CAN'T "LOVE" SOMEONE
YOU TRIED TO USE SOMEONE ELSE
TO PUNISH THEM.

COPING WITH "PAIN" LIKE THAT...
IS THE WRONG WAY.

AND TURNING MY BACK?
YES, OF COURSE I WOULD.
ON THAT. YEAH.

JUST LIKE THEY TRIED TO DISTORT
AND DEMORALIZE ME....

THEY'LL DO IT TO SOMEONE ELSE.

AND THEY WILL PROJECT ON EACH OTHER!

THEY'LL PLAY WITH FIRE....
AND THEY'LL BOTH GET BURNED.

BADLY. I KNOW HOW THAT ENDS.

IT ENDS IN A HUGE FAFO.

THAT IS WHAT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN!

I FOUND OUT ALREADY! RIGHT?
THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T WANT TO GO BACKWARDS!

EVERYTHING WOULD HAVE BEEN A FIGHT.
EVEN TRYING TO TALK. 

RIGHT?

BECAUSE ALL HE CARED ABOUT WAS WINNING!

HE BROKE THE TRUST WITH ME....
HE KNOWS THAT.

EVEN THOUGH THERE WERE WARNING SIGNS.

BUT HOW MANY TIMES DO I FEEL LIKE WARNING SOMEONE?
SOMEONE WHO WON'T LISTEN?

FOREVER? NO?

HE WAS TRYING TO HAVE A DOUBLE LIFE WITH ME.
THAT DOESN'T STOP.

IF HE HAS NO LOYALTY....
HE WON'T BE LOYAL
TO ANYONE HE USES.

ALL OF THOSE WHO DID THE SAME THINGS.

THEY WILL FIND OUT THAT THE MESS THEY MADE....
THEY HAVE TO CLEAN IT UP....

THEMSELVES.

THEY HATE ME FOR "COMING OUT ON TOP."

THAT'S ALL.

THAT'S ENOUGH TO RESENT ME, APPARENTLY.

THEY DON'T LIKE HOW THEY FEEL NEXT TO ME.
BUT THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT IT HAD TO TAKE.

HE'LL DO THE EXACT SAME THINGS
AND PLAY THE EXACT SAME GAMES
WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

OTHERWISE, HE WOULDN'T DO THAT SH*T.

I KNOW THIS.

IT'S NOT HARD TO SEE THAT.

NOTHING HE CAN TRY TO DO...
WILL CHANGE THE PAST.

CAN'T STOP PLAYING A GAME
TO PLAY ANOTHER ONE... RIGHT?

YOU COULD, BUT WHAT USUALLY HAPPENS?
WHEN PEOPLE PLAY GAMES?

THEY LOSE.
THEY PLAY THEMSELVES.
RIGHT OUT OF SOMETHING THEY COULD HAVE HAD.

RIGHT?

THE "WINNER" IS THE ONE WHO WASN'T PLAYING.

THAT'S WHO WINS.

REGARDLESS OF WHAT THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE GOING TO "WIN."

BUT? THEY WANT TO LISTEN TO ALL KINDS OF BS....

AND? DIDN'T ASK ME? ABOUT ANYTHING?
LISTENED TO THEM?

TO JEALOUS HOES.

WHY WERE THEY JEALOUS?
BECAUSE I'M NOT BEING A JEALOUS HOE!

BECAUSE SOMEONE LIKED ME?

UNTIL? THE BS STARTED! RIGHT?

BUT THEY WANT TO DO ALL OF THAT?
AND THEN? TRY TO ACT LIKE I HURT THEM?

BY NOT WANTING TO DEAL WITH THAT?

WOULD THEY WANT TO?

IF I WAS DOING THAT?

WOULD THEY WANT TO DEAL WITH ME
IF THEY EVEN THOUGHT XYZ ABOUT ME?

NO?

THAT'S WHY IT WAS EASY TO LIE ABOUT ME?

AND IF THEY WANTED TO BELIEVE THE WORST....
THEY BELIEVED THAT SH*T!

IF THAT'S WHY THEY STARTED ACTING LIKE THAT....
BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T....

AT THE BEGINNING....

UNLESS IT WAS ALL FAKE ANYWAY!

UNLESS IT WAS MEANT TO TRY TO "KEEP ME DOWN."

EITHER WAY, THAT SH*T WAS FOUL AF.

THEY DON'T WANT THEIR BS EXPOSED.

RIGHT?

THAT'S WHY THEY PRETEND TO BE NICE?
AFTER THAT SH*T?

"NOW THAT I'M CHANGING MY LIFE, 
I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW
HOW I TREATED A***."

"OR WHY I TREATED HER LIKE THAT...."

THEY ARE MAD THAT I COULD TELL THE TRUTH!

RIGHT?
ABOUT WHAT THEY DID?

YEAH?

THEN WHY DO IT?

JUST TO DO IT?

THE PROBLEM IS THAT I COULD CALL THEM OUT!

WHEN YOU DO SOMEONE WRONG
YOU DON'T GET TO CONTROL
WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT IT.

IF HE WANTED ME TO KEEP QUIET....
HE SHOULDN'T HAVE PLAYED THOSE GAMES IN THE FIRST PLACE!

DO I GAF ABOUT HIS REPUTATION?
DID HE GAF ABOUT MINE? NO?

HE KNOWS HE RUINED HIS OWN REP
ACTING LIKE THAT.

AND HE HAD HELP TO DO IT.
IF HE WAS COERCED INTO DOING IT!

RIGHT?

BUT STILL CHOSE TO? YEAH?

SMEARING MY NAME.....
AND THEN?

WANTS ME TO NOT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT?

SO THAT NOBODY LOOKS AT HIM
AS SOMEONE WHO WOULD DO THAT?

BECAUSE HE WANTS TO BE TRUSTED?

NOT TO DO THAT SH*T?

WELP, HE DOES THAT SH*T.

"THAT WAS 12 YEARS AGO!"
YEAH.... BUT YOU FKD UP MY TRUST!

BECAUSE I TRUSTED YOU!

GET IT?

HE WASN'T THE ONLY ONE.... 
WHO FKD UP MY TRUST.... 

"NO FUN WHEN THE RABBIT'S GOT THE GUN," RIGHT?

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE SEEN.... LIKE THAT....
DON'T BE LIKE THAT!

SIMPLE!

SURE, IT'S EMBARRASSING..... OH WELL.
RIGHT?

SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT SH*T?
TO SOMEONE WHO WOULDN'T DO THAT SH*T TO YOU?
WHAT DID I DO TO THEM?

ANYTHING?
EXCEPT CALLING THEM OUT?

IF I HAVE TO LIVE WITH WHAT HAPPENED....
WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED....

THEY CAN LIVE WITH WHAT THEY DID!
ALL OF THAT SH*T.

THEY CAN'T PRETEND THAT THEY DIDN'T DO IT.

OR THAT THEY AREN'T THE TYPE WHO WOULD!
BECAUSE THEY DID!

DO PEOPLE WANT TO TRUST PEOPLE
WHO WOULD DO THAT?

NO?

AND I WASN'T EVEN THINKING ABOUT HIM!
BARELY EVER! RIGHT?

HERE AND THERE?
UNTIL? "HERE I AM!"

THEY LOVE THE VERSION OF THE STORY
THAT I HAVE NO FEELINGS!

THAT I DON'T TALK ABOUT HOW THAT FELT!

HOW WAS IT SUPPOSED TO FEEL? GOOD????
IT DIDN'T!!!!!!!!!

SO MAYBE..... I MIGHT HAVE FELT A TYPE OF WAY ABOUT IT?

JUST BECAUSE I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT....
DIDN'T MEAN THAT I FORGOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HAVE MY OWN VERSION OF "EVENTS"!

BECAUSE I REMEMBER THINGS?
THAT THEY WISH I HAD FORGOTTEN?

YEAH?

DO I HAVE TO FORGET? NO?
WHY WOULD SOMEONE WANT ME TO?

BECAUSE THEY WISH THEY HADN'T COME AT ME?
BECAUSE IT MAKES THEM LOOK BAD?

AND IS THERE A POINT IN TELLING THE TRUTH?
IF CERTAIN PEOPLE WANT TO TWIST IT?

MY EXPERIENCE DESERVES TO BE INCLUDED, TOO!
NOT JUST HIS VERSION OF "EVENTS."

RIGHT?

HE WAS THE FIRST TO TELL IT!
HOWEVER HE WANTED TO!
TO WHOMEVER HE WANTED TO!

RIGHT?

BUT THE EGO CHECK?

THEY THOUGHT I WAS SCARED OF LOSING THEM?
THEY THOUGHT MY EMOTIONAL DEPTH....
WAS "HELPLESSNESS"?

THEY THOUGHT THEY COULD JUST HURT ME... 
AND HURT ME
AND HURT ME
AND HURT ME
AND HURT ME

AND SLAP ME IN THE FACE.....

AND EXPECTED ME TO STAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEY THOUGHT I LOVED THEM MORE
THAN I LOVED MYSELF?

FOLLOWING RULES I NEVER AGREED TO?

I NEVER AGREED TO ANY BS EXPECTATIONS!

DID I AGREE TO ANY BS EXPECTATIONS?

MAKING ME WAIT WAS TO WHAT?
"I'M IN CONTROL OF WHEN I TALK TO YOU!"

THEY ALREADY KNEW HOW TO "TALK"
IT'S NOT LIKE THEY FORGOT HOW!

HE WANTED TO TALK WHEN HE WANTED TO!
RIGHT?

THEY THOUGHT THEIR TACTICS WERE WORKING...
RIGHT?

BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT THEY KNEW ME?

WELP, DID THEY KNOW ME? NO?

"I KNOW HOW TO HANDLE HER...."
DO YOU?

WHAT IF I WAS A PERSON.....
SWALLOWING EVERY FKN DISAPPOINTMENT?

THEY THOUGHT I WASN'T SMART ENOUGH
TO SEE WHAT THEY WERE DOING!

JUST BECAUSE I WASN'T EXPECTING IT....

AND TRUSTED....
NEVER MADE ME "STUPID."

IT MADE ME WILLING TO FKN TRUST YOU
NOT TO XYZ.

AND IF YOU CHOOSE TO BREAK MY TRUST.
YOU FORFEIT IT.

I'M THE KIND OF PERSON WHO HAS TO HAVE A REASON
TO FKN GO..... 

OR I WOULD HAVE STAYED THERE.

MIRROR SMASHER WAS THE WORST OF THEM....
BUT 12 YR DISCARD....
SHOULD NEVER HAVE DONE THAT SH*T, EITHER.

THEY THOUGHT I WOULD CRY, BEG, CHASE
FOR THEM TO CHANGE....

WHILE THEY KEPT HURTING ME.

RIGHT?
AND THEY THOUGHT I WAS REPLACEABLE!

THEY EXPECTED ME TO TELL EVERYONE WHAT THEY DID!
TO CRY "HE AB*SED ME!" AND I DIDN'T?

I JUST LIVED MY LIFE? WITHOUT THEM?
BECAUSE WHY WOULDN'T I LIVE MY LIFE?

TRIED TO DESTROY ME....
BECAUSE I WAS ALREADY IN "PAIN."
ALREADY BEEN THROUGH A LOT....
"HAD DIFFICULTIES." RIGHT?

SO THEY THOUGHT THEY COULD JUST...
TIP ME OVER?

WAS COMPARING ME TO "OTHERS," RIGHT?

BECAUSE HE DIDN'T APPRECIATE ME?
JUST BECAUSE I WASN'T IN A "GOOD SPOT"?

IN MY LIFE?

SO THEY THOUGHT I HAD NO VALUE?
BECAUSE OF THAT?

NICE, EH?

BUT ONCE THEY NO LONGER HAVE IT....
THIS VERSION OF ME....

THEY COULD HAVE BEEN WITH....

HAD THEY NOT XYZ... 

AND I GOT EXCUSES FOR THAT BS?!
SHOULD I MAKE EXCUSES FOR SOME BS?!
WOULD THAT BE ATTRACTIVE?

OR WOULD THAT LOOK IMMATURE AF?!

IS IT MY PROBLEM IF SOMEONE ELSE
WAS JUST TRYING TO USE THEM?

NO?

AND THEY REALIZED I ACTUALLY CARED?

NOT MY PROBLEM WHAT ANYONE REALIZES.
OR WHEN THEY REALIZE IT.

THEY CAN SIT ON THEIR REALIZATIONS.

LIKE I COULD SIT ON MINE
IF IT TOOK ME THAT LONG....
AND HE DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE ANYTHING!
BECAUSE IT WAS A FAKE OFFER.

LIKE THE FIRST TIME
WHEN HE WAS LEADING ME ON.

RIGHT?

WHEN HE TOLD ME WHAT HE THOUGHT I WANTED TO HEAR?

MAYBE I WANTED THE TRUTH.
NOT BS.

THAT HAPPENED TO NOT BE TRUE.

BECAUSE HE DIDN'T FEEL THE WAY I DID.
IF HE DID.... HE WOULDN'T HAVE ACTED LIKE THAT!

NONE OF THEM WOULD HAVE!

NOTHING SAYS: "I LOVE YOU, A***!"
LIKE ACTING LIKE THAT!

1) I CAN'T EXPECT PEOPLE TO THINK LIKE I DO
2) I CAN'T EXPECT PEOPLE TO REALIZE THE THINGS I DO
3) I CAN'T WAIT AROUND FOR ANYONE TO ADMIT ANYTHING
4) OR WANT TO ADMIT ANYTHING
5) I DON'T WANT TO WAIT LONGER THAN I SHOULD
6) I DON'T NEED ANYONE TO TWIST ANYTHING
7) I DON'T HAVE TO PRIORITIZE LIARS
8) NOT ALL FACTS ARE GOING TO FEEL GOOD

YES, I MAKE MISTAKES, TOO.
BUT I DEFINITELY DON'T GO OUT OF MY WAY TO XYZ.

YES, I WILL PROTECT MYSELF EMOTIONALLY.

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO FKN DEAL WITH THAT SH*T!

I PUSH PEOPLE AWAY WHO DO IT TO ME!

FORGIVING PEOPLE DOESN'T MEAN THEY NEED TO BE
BACK IN MY LIFE!

IF THEY DIDN'T KNOW ME, THEY DON'T HAVE TO!

SHOULD I HAVE TO TELL THEM:
HEY! IT BUGS ME WHEN YOU DO XYZ!

ESPECIALLY WHEN IT WOULD BUG THEM?

I HAD TO ADAPT TO THEM! RIGHT?

BUNCH OF ONE-SIDED BS!

LIKE SHOULD I HAVE TO SAY:
THESE ARE MY BOUNDARIES!
THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT BUG ME!

I TOLD MY EX SOME OF MY TRIGGERS....
AND? WHAT DID HE DO?
DID HE RESPECT IT?
OR DID HE PURPOSELY USE IT TO TRIGGER ME?

SO I'M DAMNED IF I DO AND DON'T?

I CAN ONLY TAKE SO MUCH FFS!!!!!!!!!!!

IF HE WAS JUST TRYING TO WASTE MY TIME AGAIN?
LIKE HE DID BEFORE?

AND I DON'T WANT MY TIME WASTED?

I HAD A VERSION OF CERTAIN PEOPLE
BECAUSE OF HOW THEY PRESENTED THEMSELVES....

BUT THAT'S NOT HOW THEY WERE, RIGHT?

PEOPLE REVEAL THEMSELVES.
I DON'T HAVE TO DO IT FOR THEM.
HOW THEY ACT REVEALS THEM.

IT SHOWS HOW THEY CHOOSE TO. 

LIKE AVOIDING ME FOR 12 YEARS! RIGHT?
UNTIL? THEY WANTED TO TALK?
WTF?

NO.... YOU WANTED TO AVOID ME. YEAH?
GO DO THAT SH*T TO SOMEONE ELSE.

THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT.
IF I WAS DOING THAT....
HE'D GET SICK OF IT AND SICK OF ME.
RIGHT?

IF I AVOIDED HIM FOR 12 YEARS?
DISCARDED HIM?
UNTIL I FELT LIKE TALKING TO HIM?

WOULD HE FEEL LIKE TALKING TO ME?
IF I DID THAT? 
PROBABLY NOT!

Anyway... I was talking to a female I knew from school.

SHE TOLD ME SHE HAD A HUGE CRUSH ON A MUTUAL FRIEND.

SHE WAS IN MY CLASS. HE WAS IN ANOTHER CLASS.
WE USED TO CHILL TOGETHER AT LUNCH.

ANYWAY... SHE HAD THE HOTS FOR THIS DUDE.
I HAD AN INKLING THAT HE WAS GAY.
BECAUSE OF HOW HE SPOKE.
HE HAD THAT "INFLECTION."
HE WASN'T OUT OF THE CLOSET.
IF HE WANTED TO TELL ME HE WAS GAY....
THAT'D BE ONE THING. RIGHT?

I NEVER ASKED HIM, BUT I KNEW.
SHE DIDN'T KNOW.

HE EVENTUALLY TOLD HER.

SHE WAS HAPPY THAT IT WASN'T HER....
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS THAT HE DIDN'T LIKE HER.

HE HAPPENED TO LIKE D*CKS, I GUESS.

BUT I WASN'T GOING TO BE LIKE: "HEY, ARE YOU GAY?"
IT WAS THE 8TH GRADE... 

IF HE WANTED TO SAY: "HEY, I'M GAY."
THAT'D BE ONE THING.

BUT THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE UP TO HIM.

I HAD AN INKLING....
USUALLY WHEN THEY HAVE THAT INFLECTION....
IT TYPICALLY MEANS THEY ARE GAY.

NOT ALWAYS, BUT TYPICALLY.

BUT I ALSO DIDN'T TELL HER THAT I THOUGHT HE WAS GAY.

SHE WOULD PROBABLY ASK HIM.

Anyway... He wasn't being fake, though.
HE WASN'T TRYING TO COME ONTO CHICKS
AND WASN'T PRETENDING TO LIKE THEM
TO PRETEND NOT TO BE GAY.

HE JUST WASN'T BEING OPENLY GAY.

I forget where I was going... 
With that.

I think it was about....
IF HE WANTED TO HURT HER, HE WOULD HAVE.
HE JUST WASN'T INTO CHICKS.

Lots Of Lessons

I think Monty Python could do an awesome skit on that.
If they are still doing skits.

Whitest Kids U Know.... They are funny, too.

Maybe that's what I need. To help shift my mind.

I'm getting out tomorrow. I have some plans.

Just bugs me that as soon as I WANT TO DO SOMETHING
WITH MY LIFE.....
PEOPLE WHO AREN'T DOING ANYTHING
WITH THEIR LIVES
GET MAD.

IT MAKES THEM FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE.

BUT THEY THINK I'VE HAD THINGS EASIER
THAN I'VE ACTUALLY HAD THINGS.

BECAUSE I CARRY THINGS PRETTY WELL.

THEY JUST SEE HOW I CARRY IT.

THEY DON'T LIKE IT.

PEOPLE DON'T LIKE IT WHEN I CREATE DISTANCE.
EVEN IF I CREATE IT
TO MIND MY OWN BUSINESS.

LIKE I DEPRIVE THEM OF SOMETHING THEY WANT
AND I'M CRUEL FOR THAT.

AND I'M NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO CHOOSE FOR MYSELF?

THEY ARE! AREN'T THEY?

THEY CAN'T "EXPLAIN" HOW I OVERCAME
SOME THINGS THAT THEY WOULD HAVE A HARD TIME WITH.

HOW DO I KNOW THEY WOULD?
BECAUSE I DID!

WHEN YOU GIVE SOMEONE A REAL OPPORTUNITY...
AND THEY WERE INTERESTED IN PLAYING GAMES....

THEY CHOSE TO SEE THE OPPORTUNITY AS A GAME.
NOT AN OPPORTUNITY.

THAT ISN'T A REFLECTION OF YOUR WORTH.
IT'S A REFLECTION OF THEIR READINESS.

LIKE THAT ONE RELATIONSHIP I HAD....
THAT WAS MY OPPORTUNITY FOR A REAL RELATIONSHIP.

BUT.... WAS I READY?

HE WAS WAY WORTH IT.

I WASN'T READY.

EVEN THOUGH I WASN'T WITH HIM FOR THE WRONG REASONS...
I WASN'T READY TO BE WITH HIM FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.

BEING THAT I WASN'T READY TO BE WITH HIM
BECAUSE I WASN'T ON HIS LEVEL ETC.

I CAN ADMIT MY MISTAKES NOW.
AT THE TIME, I WAS TOO BUSY MAKING THEM TO SEE THEM.

I WASN'T AS MATURE AS HE WAS.

IF I HAD BEEN, THINGS COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER.

HE MIGHT HAVE MARRIED ME.

BUT... HE DESERVES SOMEONE ON HIS LEVEL.

AND MY FKTARDERY TAINTED HIS DATING EXPERIENCE, I'M SURE.

THE POINT IS.... NOT BEING READY FOR SOMETHING HEALTHY...
BECAUSE OF A LOT OF SH*T I EXPERIENCED....

HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS ABILITIES.
OR HIS WORTH IN ANY WAY.

IF I WAS READY... THINGS COULD HAVE GONE FURTHER
AND COULD HAVE GONE BETTER.

I DO THINK OF HIM FONDLY.
AND IF HE THINKS I'M AN XYZ....
I PROBABLY DESERVE IT.

FOR ACTING THE WAY THAT I DID.

BUT I CAN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT I DID.
I DID ACT LIKE THAT.
I DID THAT.

BECAUSE I WASN'T READY TO QUIT DRINKING.
AND I REALLY HAD WORSE COPING THAN I DO NOW.

AND I WAS TRYING TO CO-PARENT WITH MY EX.

NOT BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE ACTUAL FEELINGS FOR THE GUY.

I DID, BUT... I KNEW I WASN'T "ENOUGH" FOR HIM.
EVEN THOUGH HE ACTUALLY WANTED TO BE WITH ME.
TREATED ME VERY WELL, TOO.

I ALSO THOUGHT THE CHEMISTRY WAS GOOD, 
BUT I COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER.
MUCH BETTER.

THAT'S ON ME. NOT HIM.

ANYWAY, I THINK ABOUT HIM SOMETIMES.

BUT THAT DOESN'T GIVE ME A RIGHT
TO TRY TO BE BACK IN HIS LIFE.

LIKE HE WOULD JUST BE "WAITING" FOR ME.
HE HAS THE RIGHT TO LIVE HIS LIFE AND BE HAPPY.

HE COULD BE MARRIED AND HAVE KIDS.
AND BE HAPPY.

AND IF HE WAS, I'D BE HAPPY FOR HIM.

BECAUSE I KNOW THAT I ALREADY LOST THE 
"OPPORTUNITY" TO BE HAPPY WITH HIM.

BUT I WASN'T REALLY HAPPY WITH MYSELF, BACK THEN.
AND FOR WHATEVER REASON, HE WAS EXPECTED
TO PUT UP WITH THAT.

HE REALLY DID HIS BEST AND TRIED HIS BEST.

THAT, I WON'T DENY.

I CAN'T SAY A BAD THING ABOUT THE GUY.
HE COULD LIKELY SAY A LOT ABOUT ME, THOUGH.

ABOUT WHO I WAS BACK THEN.

LOTS OF LESSONS FOR ME.
REFLECTING BACK ON MYSELF.

WHEN YOU CAN SEE WHAT YOU LOOKED LIKE...
TO SOMEONE ELSE...
AND THAT LOOKS HOW IT LOOKS....

YOU CAN SEE HOW YOU DISAPPOINTED THEM...

CAN'T UNSEE THAT.

MAKES YOU WANT TO DO BETTER, THOUGH.

NOT EVERYONE CAN SEE THEMSELVES
OR WANTS TO.

SO THEY DON'T.

IF THEY DID... THEY MIGHT THINK ABOUT IT.

AS FKTARDED AS I WAS... STILL HAVE MORALS.

BUT PEOPLE HAVE TO KNOW.
I'M NOT AS FKTARDED AS I WAS.
I'VE BEEN FKTARDUCATED.

THAT'S WHAT REFLECTING IS FOR.

FOR FKTARDUCATING YOURSELF.

ON HOW WE LOOK TO OTHER PEOPLE.
ESPECIALLY PEOPLE WHO CARED ABOUT US.
AT ONE POINT.

UNTIL WE GOT TOO FKTARDED.

I ALLOWED MYSELF TO BE FKTARDED.

I GOT TOO COMFORTABLE. 

HE ACCEPTED ME EVEN THOUGH I WAS FKD UP.

WE WERE IN OUR 20s. 
I WASN'T ON HIS LEVEL.

HE WAS RAISED RIGHT.
AND HE DID THE RIGHT THINGS.
THE RIGHT REASONS.

I WASN'T READY TO CHANGE MY LIFE.
I DIDN'T QUIT DRINKING UNTIL I WAS 30.

AND THEN... THAT WAS AROUND THE TIME
THAT I HAD TO DO ALL THAT STUFF...

TRIED TO DATE A FEW TIMES AFTER THAT.

NOT EVERYONE IS READY.

I WASN'T. RIGHT?

BUT I HAD TO THINK ABOUT HOW I ACTED.
BECAUSE I HAD TO THINK ABOUT WHY.

WAS I HAPPY WITH THE RELATIONSHIP? YES.
I WASN'T HAPPY WITH MYSELF, THOUGH.

THAT GOT IN THE WAY.

ANYWAY, IF SOMEONE'S NOT MATURE ENOUGH
FOR LIFE-CHANGING CONVERSATIONS....

THEY ARE NOT READY FOR ANYTHING SERIOUS.

AND WANTING SOMETHING SERIOUS....
ISN'T THE SAME AS BEING READY.

THAT'S SOMETHING I HAD TO LEARN.
BECAUSE I WASN'T READY.

I WASN'T MATURE ENOUGH FOR SOME THINGS.

RIGHT?

I USED TO BE IMPULSIVE, TOO.

ESPECIALLY WHEN I USED TO DRINK.

I DID THINGS I CAN'T UNDO. RIGHT?

BUT BECAUSE I DID THOSE THINGS....
I LEARNED ABOUT MYSELF. RIGHT?

I REFLECTED ON THINGS.

THINGS THAT I DID!
THINGS THAT I DIDN'T DO!
THINGS I COULD HAVE DONE!

I THINK THAT IT WAS A "DISTRACTION."
"A*** HAS SOMETHING GOING...."

USUALLY WHEN I HAVE SOMETHING.

IT FELT LIKE A TRAP TBH.

BECAUSE HOW CAN I BE XYZ....
AND YOU "DON'T WANT TO" TALK TO ME
OR HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME
FOR 12 YEARS AND THEN?
"I WANT TO TALK."
WHY?

LIKE SABOTEUR.... "GO AWAY!"
YEAH? HE DOESN'T GET TO SAY "COME HERE."

HE ALREADY SAID? "GO AWAY!"
SO? FK YOU, TOO.

WANTED TO BE "FRIENDS"
AND THEN?
WHEN IT CAME TO BEING ANYTHING TO ME....?
"GO AWAY!"

YOU THINK I'M GOING TO JUST.... FORGET THAT?

NOT MATURE ENOUGH TO EVEN "TALK"
SO? WHERE'S THAT GOING TO GO?

THE "GO AWAY" WAS TO TRY TO "MAKE" ME FEEL BAD.
BECAUSE WHEN I FEEL DECENT....
PEOPLE DON'T LIKE IT.
THEY WANT ME TO BE "MISERABLE."
AND PEOPLE GET MAD.

The truth is, I TOOK EMOTIONAL RISKS.
INVESTING IN PEOPLE
I SHOULDN'T HAVE INVESTED IN....
EMOTIONALLY.

IF IT WAS SAFE TO DO THAT...
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SAFE TO DO THAT.

RIGHT?

IT'S NOT LIKE I HAD A HEALTHY ENVIRONMENT.
RIGHT?

BECAUSE IF IT WAS HEALTHY...
THEY WOULD HAVE TREATED ME BETTER.

RIGHT?

THEY WOULD BE ABLE TO COMMUNICATE....

NOBODY WOULD BE TRYING TO PORTRAY ME
IN ANY TYPE OF WAY THAT I'M NOT....

THEY WOULDN'T BE COMPARING AND COMPETING...
THEY WOULDN'T FEEL THREATENED BY ME.

THEY WOULDN'T ACT LIKE I'M A THREAT.

AND THEY WOULDN'T ONLY CARE
IF THEY DIDN'T SEE ME AS ONE ETC.

THEY WOULD LISTEN AND UNDERSTAND ME.
AND CARE ABOUT ME, TOO.

NOT JUST ME CARING AND TRYING.

AND HAVING TO WALK AWAY FROM PEOPLE WHO DON'T.

THEY HAVEN'T TRIED OR CARED....

LIKE 12 YEARS? 
TO DECIDE IF I HAVE ANY VALUE?

WTF IS THAT?

AND ONLY THE THINGS ABOUT ME HAVE VALUE, RIGHT?
NOT ME?

THAT'S WHY.... I CAN'T GET WITH THAT.

IT'S LIKE THIS:
"A***! UNDERSTAND ME!
YOU WANT ME TO UNDERSTAND YOU?! 
YOU'RE A B*TCH FOR WANTING TO BE UNDERSTOOD!"

WTF?

BUT I'M SUPPOSED TO UNDERSTAND THEM!!!!!!!!!

RIGHT?

IS THAT FAIR??????? IS IT?

I CANNOT EXPECT IT TO BE FAIR!
EVEN THAT!

YES, I HAD SOME EMOTIONAL "OUTBURSTS"
BECAUSE I TRUSTED PEOPLE
TO BE FAIR TO ME!

BUT THEY WEREN'T!

AND I PUT A LOT OF EFFORT IN....
INTO THINGS....
BECAUSE I AM SOMEONE WHO WILL DO THAT
AND CAN DO THAT.

I CAN'T JUST PUT MY TIME AND ENERGY IN....
HOPING THAT THEY WILL MEET ME HALF WAY.

FOR WHAT?

"GO AWAY!"

JUST BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL
TO JUST BE UNDERSTOOD?

YEAH?

NICE, EH?

WHY PUT ANYTHING INTO ANYTHING?

FRUSTRATING? YEAH?

GETTING THE OPPOSITE 
OF WHAT I WAS GIVING....

THE THING IS THIS.... IF I REFUSE EVERYTHING
I COULD REFUSE SOMETHING GOOD.

I HAVE TO ACCEPT PEOPLE AS THEY ARE...

THEY OPERATE AS THEY ARE.

IF THEY DON'T OPERATE AS I DO...
WOULD IT WORK OUT?
NO?

NOT SAYING THEY HAVE TO OPERATE
EXACTLY AS I DO.

BUT IF THEY DON'T.... THEY DON'T.

I CAN'T EMOTIONALLY INVEST.
BECAUSE... WHEN I HOPE FOR OTHERS TO 
ACTUALLY CARE...

AND NOT ACT LIKE XYZ....
AT THE VERY LEAST... 

THEY'LL SHOW ME WHO THEY ARE....
NO MATTER WHAT.

BECAUSE THEY ARE WHO THEY ARE.

IT'S BEEN FRUSTRATING, YES.

BUT I HAVE TO PUSH THAT ASIDE.
TO AT LEAST BE RECEPTIVE.... 

CONSIDERING A LOT OF THINGS.

SOME PEOPLE DON'T LIKE BEING ALONE.
SO THEY NEED TO BE AROUND PEOPLE
ALL THE TIME.

AND DON'T CONSIDER WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE
ARE AROUND THEM.

AND HOW THOSE PEOPLE ARE INFLUENCING THEM.
IF THEY WANT TO HAVE INFLUENCE OVER THEM.
WHAT THEY DO WITH IT.
WHY THEY DO IT.

AND THEY CAN'T SEE THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN PEOPLE WHO DO THAT
AND PEOPLE WHO DON'T...

AND TREAT THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T
LIKE THE PEOPLE WHO DO.

AND THE PEOPLE WHO DO
LIKE THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T.

BECAUSE THEY CAN'T SEEM TO TELL 
THE DIFFERENCE.

TREATING ME LIKE MY SILENCE WAS SUSPICIOUS...
LIKE MY PRIVACY WAS BECAUSE I WAS HIDING STUFF.

WHAT? THAT I BLOG?

WELP, I DON'T TELL EVERYONE THAT I WRITE!
OR WHAT I WRITE ABOUT!

WOULD THEY UNDERSTAND?
ABOUT IT?

IF THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND OTHER THINGS?

THEY THINK MY DISTANCE IS DISHONESTY.
RIGHT?

BUT THEY DON'T ASK ME ANYTHING?

MAYBE I GO THROUGH THINGS....
THAT AREN'T THINGS I WANT TO SHARE
WITH EVERYONE
THINGS THAT I HAVE TO CARRY "ALONE."

YEAH?

BUT? DOES ANYONE THINK ABOUT THAT?

AND MAYBE I DON'T FEEL LIKE "TALKING"
ABOUT THAT....
WITH PEOPLE WHO WEREN'T INTERESTED IN...
UNDERSTANDING ANYTHING ABOUT ME.

YEAH?

BECAUSE SOME THINGS ARE HARD ENOUGH
AS THEY ARE?

TRYING TO RECOVER FROM PAINFUL THINGS?

YEAH?

BUT BEING EXHAUSTED.... IS... EXHAUSTED?

LIKE? NOT ALLOWED TO GRIEVE?

SOME THINGS?

AND MAYBE DISCUSSING SOME THINGS....
THAT AREN'T MINE...

HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?

SACRIFICE SOMEONE'S DIGNITY?

TO EXPLAIN "WHAT I'M DOING"
TO PEOPLE WHO NEVER ASKED?

LIKE SABOTEUR....
HIS BROTHER LIVES IN THE BUILDING.

MAYBE I'M KEEPING TO MYSELF
TO AVOID HIM....

SO HE DOESN'T NEED TO EMBARRASS HIMSELF
MORE THAN HE ALREADY HAS?

IT'S NOT ABOUT REJECTING ANYONE.
IT'S JUST I NEED TO HAVE TIME TO MYSELF
TO WORK ON MY PROJECTS....

AVOID SABOTEUR...

WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL IF HE HADN'T SABOTAGED.
BECAUSE HE COULD HAVE JUST BEEN CHILL!
WE COULD HAVE CHILLED!

THAT'S WHAT I HAD BEEN HOPING FOR.
RIGHT?

BUT WHY SHOULD I TELL EVERYONE?
HOW HE ACTED?

ISN'T THAT FOR HIM TO TELL EVERYONE?

HE CAN SPEAK FOR HIMSELF!
YEAH?

WHY SHOULD I SPEAK FOR HIM?

DID ANYONE ASK ME:
"A***, WHY ARE YOU BEING DISTANT?"
"WHY ARE YOU NOT YOURSELF?"

"OH! XYZ "STORY" I HEARD ABOUT A***!"
"A "STORY" I CAN INTERPRET A*** THROUGH!"

DID I NEED ANYONE TO SOLVE ANYTHING FOR ME?
OR DID I NEED SOMEONE TO RECOGNIZE:
"THAT MUST BE HARD FOR YOU, A***."
JUST TO FKN UNDERSTAND? YEAH?

TO CARRY XYZ.... WHILE EVERYONE'S QUESTIONING
YOUR CHARACTER!

ALWAYS THINKING THE WORST OF YOU!
WHILE YOU CARRY THAT AND EVERYTHING ELSE!

WITHOUT EVER ASKING YOU ANYTHING!
JUST ASSUMING!

WHY NOT DEFEND "THE STORY"
INSTEAD OF ME?

MIGHT AS WELL. YEAH?

DID THEY HAVE "GOOD REASONS"
TO THINK XYZ ABOUT ME?

I HOPE SO.

OTHERWISE THAT WOULD BE EMBARRASSING.

OR SHOULD BE.

BUT NOT MANY PEOPLE WANT TO ACCEPT THE TRUTH!

THEY WANT TO BELIEVE THEIR CRITICISMS.
AND JUDGEMENTS
ABOUT SOMEONE
THEY NEVER KNEW
BECAUSE IT SEEMED "REASONABLE"
TO THINK: "A***'S HIDING SOMETHING!"

A BLOG? DO I NEED THEIR APPROVAL TO WRITE?

IS MY PRIVATE LIFE.... ABOUT THEM?
IS MY BLOG ABOUT THEM?

AM I ALLOWED TO HAVE ANYTHING
THAT IS MINE?

SOMEWHERE I CAN WRITE ABOUT HOW I FEEL?
SINCE APPARENTLY.... 
MOST PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY... 
IT'S KIND OF HARD TO HANDLE
SOME THINGS ON MY OWN....

AND I HAVE TO SORT MY OWN FEELINGS OUT?
ON MY OWN?

WHICH IS HARD ENOUGH? TOO?

SHOULD I EXPLAIN THAT TO EVERYONE?
EVERYWHERE I GO?
ALL THE TIME?

LIKE IT'S A SECRET?
THAT PEOPLE DON'T ALREADY KNOW?

CAN I LIVE WITHOUT 
HAVING TO DEFEND MY WHOLE LIFE?

AND VERY LITTLE STRENGTH LEFT
TO DEAL WITH "GO AWAY"?

OR WHATEVER BS?

NOT GOING TO EXPECT ANYONE TO UNDERSTAND.
IF THEY DON'T ASK ME ANYTHING....
WILL THEY?

NO?

PROBABLY NOT!

MISUNDERSTANDING ME....
WHILE I'M ALREADY GOING THROUGH THINGS
AND ALREADY DOING OTHER THINGS....

DOESN'T MAKE ME WANT TO "GRANT ACCESS."

RIGHT?

DOES ANYONE KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MY PRIVATE LIFE?
NO?

THEY'D HAVE TO KNOW ABOUT WHAT I WRITE ABOUT...
TO KNOW THINGS ABOUT ME.

BUT I DON'T SHARE THAT WITH EVERYONE.

BECAUSE I DON'T WRITE TO HAVE AN AUDIENCE.

I TRY TO SORT SOME THINGS OUT. 

MY THOUGHTS, MY FEELINGS.
SINCE A LOT OF PEOPLE WANT TO 
"GET IT TWISTED."
CONSTANTLY....

SO THAT I CAN "GET IT STRAIGHT."

AS CRAZY AS THAT IS.

BECAUSE I HAVE TO LOOK AT THE FACTS!
IF I DON'T?

SOMEONE ASKED:
"HOW ARE YOU SANE?"

BECAUSE... I HAD TO CHANGE THE WAY I LOOK AT THINGS.
TO KEEP WHATEVER "SANITY" I HAVE.

KNOWING BETTER THAN SOME PEOPLE SEEM TO....
DOESN'T MEAN I THINK I'M BETTER THAN ANYONE.

IF I KNOW BETTER, I DO.

I KNOW BETTER THAN I USED TO?
SO THEN?
MAYBE I KNOW BETTER THAN SOME?

IS THAT OKAY? ABOUT THAT?

I'VE BEEN SHARING ON HERE....

JUST I CAN'T GO VERY DEEP WITH SOME PEOPLE.
I REALIZED THAT, AND THAT IS OKAY.

AM I ALLOWED TO ARTICULATE MYSELF IN WRITING?
JUST TO DO THAT?

IS THAT ALLOWED ANYMORE?

WITHOUT IT BEING A HUGE DEAL?

THAT'S WHY I'M "SANE."
I HAD TO REFLECT AND THINK....
AND CONSIDER THINGS... 

AND IF THAT MEANS BEING BY MYSELF TO DO IT....
THAT MEANS BEING BY MYSELF TO DO IT!

IS THAT SO SUSPICIOUS?

WRITING IS, THOUGH, I GUESS.

BUT DO THEY ASK ME?
"A***, WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE BY YOURSELF?"

WRITE. I WRITE.
MOSTLY.

I WRITE AND THINK AND CREATE.
I REFLECT ON MY EXPERIENCES.
I RECOVER FROM A WHOLE BUNCH OF SH*T.
PRETTY PAINFUL SH*T.
SH*T I WASN'T EXPECTING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH...
AND I DRINK TEA.

AND SLEEP SOMETIMES.

PRETTY BORING LIFE, ACTUALLY.

IMAGINE IF I WASN'T RECOVERING FROM PAINFUL SH*T?
I COULD BE DOING OTHER SH*T!

IMAGINE!

AND IMAGINE IF PEOPLE ASKED ME THINGS!
ABOUT ME!
INSTEAD OF MAKING UP "STORIES"
AS IF THEY KNEW ME?

IMAGINE IF THEY DIDN'T ALL JUST THINK THE WORST?
AUTOMAGICALLY?

THAT'D BE COOL! YEAH?

BUT SHOULD I DEFEND MY WHOLE CHARACTER?
TO PEOPLE WHO WOULD RATHER THINK XYZ?

HOW MUCH ENERGY WOULD THAT TAKE?

CONSTANTLY?

THAT'D BE PRETTY EXHAUSTING!

RIGHT?

AND THEN HAVING TO EXPLAIN THIS?
BUT.... LIVE IT.

WILD.

BELIEVING A***'S XYZ....
MAKES LEAVING EASIER.

JUST THAT.

AND IF THEY END IT, THEY END IT.

MY FRUSTRATION CAME FROM SOMEWHERE.

AND MY FRUSTRATION
WAS THE EXPLANATION FOR EVERYTHING.

CREATING THE DIFFICULTIES...
THEY WANTED TO HANG THE "STORY" ON.

TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL WRONG
FOR THEIR INABILITY
TO HONOR MY TRUST
AT THE VERY LEAST.

SHOULD I "FIGHT" FOR A GUY?

I ACCEPTED "LOSING" HIM.

HE KNEW MY FEELINGS.
SO HE THOUGHT I'D TOLERATE CRAP.
AND GAVE ME ZERO CONSIDERATION.

MY FEELINGS DIDN'T MATTER.
SO THEY WEREN'T GOING TO.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO "STRUGGLE"
JUST TO KNOW WHERE I STOOD.

WHEN IT SHOULD BE CLEAR! RIGHT?

I CAN'T MAKE ANYONE VALUE ANYTHING
THAT THEY ARE COMMITTED TO TAKING FOR GRANTED!

I CAN'T!

MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO BE DEVALUED?
WOULD THEY?

SABOTEUR WAS THE LAST ONE.
RIGHT BEFORE 12-YEAR DISCARD
"RETURNED."

Right after Cond0m Guy.

Just don't feel like trying right now. 

Changes (Part 2)

The fact is, overall, when you discard someone...
For 12 years.... They don't even have to talk to you
LET ALONE WELCOME YOU BACK.

THAT'S THE TRUTH.

"I REFUSE TO TALK TO YOU"
THEN? "I WANT TO TALK" 12 YEARS LATER?

Sorry, but it's still bugging me.

Wasn't good enough to be there, right?
So then?

Besides, he wasn't being honest.
Honest people don't play games like that.

I want to put it behind me again. 

I've put a lot behind me.
Even a lot of the things I bring up as examples
are behind me.

Just because something bugs me...
Doesn't mean it isn't behind me.

"Then why would it still bug you, A***?"

Maybe some things are still audacious to me.

IMAGINE I WAS THAT ARROGANT OR ENTITLED?
TO EXPECT HIM TO WELCOME ME BACK
INTO HIS LIFE?

AFTER 12 YEARS?

"I HOPE HE FORGETS HOW I TREATED HIM..."
"HE'S DOING BETTER NOW, MAYBE I CAN GET XYZ FROM HIM."

OR WHATEVER TF HIS PLAN WAS...

I'D HAVE TO BE PRETTY ARROGANT
AND ENTITLED TO THINK THAT!

RIGHT?

AND JUST IGNORE THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM
WHEN I "RETURN" OUT OF "NOWHERE...."

AND GET MAD THAT I DON'T WANT TO IGNORE IT.
REAL TALK OR STFU.

GET THE ELEPHANT OUT OF THE ROOM.
NO IGNORING IT.

GET IT OUT.

OR GTFO.

IF YOU ARE THE REASON THERE IS AN ELEPHANT
IN THE ROOM....
DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
OR FK OFF.

LIKE I WOULD HAVE TO....
IF I WAS THE REASON FOR IT.

BUT IF I DON'T ACT LIKE THAT....
AM I THE REASON FOR IT?

OR IS ACTING LIKE THAT... THE REASON FOR IT?

I DIDN'T THINK I'D HAVE TO BE THIS WAY....

AND THIS IS ONLY A SETBACK.

ACTING LIKE THAT.... WASN'T FAIR.... TO ME.
IF THAT CAN'T BE ACKNOWLEDGED....

WHAT ELSE?

BARELY ACKNOWLEDGING IT....
ISN'T ACKNOWLEDGING IT.

1/18TH.... ISN'T ACKNOWLEDGING IT.

1/18TH? TO PRETEND THAT YOU ARE?
TO MAKE IT SEEM THAT YOU ARE?

BUT ARE YOU?

THAT'S SOME BS!

SHOULD I ONLY LISTEN TO 1/18TH?

JUST TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE I'M LISTENING?
WHEN I SHOULD BE LISTENING?

LIKE WHAT THEY SAY....
MATTERS?

LIKE I'M THINKING ABOUT
WHAT THEY ARE SAYING?

WOULD BE COOL! TO BE HEARD LIKE THAT!
RIGHT?

BUT? "WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"
MAY AS WELL SAY:
"NOTHING YOU SAY MATTERS TO ME.
BECAUSE YOU DON'T.
IF YOU DID, IT WOULD."

SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?

I'M TELLING YOU THIS....
BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE
ACTUALLY THINK LIKE THIS
AND ACTUALLY FEEL LIKE THIS.

SOME PEOPLE THINK VERY DIFFERENTLY THAN I DO....
MOST DO, ACTUALLY.
WHICH IS OKAY....

BUT BECAUSE THEY THINK DIFFERENTLY....

I HAVE TO TRY TO FIGURE OUT HOW THEY THINK....
BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE OPERATE
BASED ON HOW THEY THINK.

AND FFS!!! I NEVER SAW ALL THAT BS COMING!
ON ME FOR THINKING SOME PEOPLE
WERE MORE MATURE THAN THEY ACTUALLY ARE!

THAT'S ON ME FOR THINKING THAT! OKAY? ON ME.

EVEN THOUGH THEIR MATURITY
IS ON THEM.

SOME PEOPLE PREFER A VERSION OF ME
THAT MAKES IT EASIER
TO TRY TO JUSTIFY THEIR BEHAVIOR
TOWARDS ME.

THEY WANTED ME TO KEEP TRYING TO REPAIR
"RELATIONSHIPS"
THAT THEY INTENTIONALLY DAMAGED.

BECAUSE IT WAS A "DYNAMIC"
THAT MADE THEM COMFORTABLE.

RIGHT?

BECAUSE ACCOUNTABILITY....
AKA REAL TALK
ISN'T COMFORTABLE.

AND THEY DON'T LIKE IT.

SO? BOOM! "A***'S XYZ!"

THEY WERE CONVINCED THEY COULD JUST XYZ!

THEY HAD A PICTURE OF HOW I WOULD "REACT."
THEY THOUGHT ALL THEY HAD TO DO
WAS PROVOKE ME HARD ENOUGH....

PEOPLE SPEAK ABOUT ME LIKE THEY KNOW ME!
THEIR OPINIONS WEREN'T FACTS!

IF I'M NOTHING.... WHY TALK ABOUT ME AT ALL?

TO GIVE A FALSE IMPRESSION? MAYBE?

MAYBE THAT WAS THE PROBLEM?

BECAUSE IT CREATED OTHER PROBLEMS?

BEING FOOLED BY FALSE IMPRESSIONS
ISN'T SO SMART.

RIGHT?

IMAGINE BEING UNITED ON ASSUMPTIONS?
ABOUT SOMEONE?

SOME MISUNDERSTANDINGS WEREN'T INNOCENT.

DO THEY GET ACCESS TO MY SIDE OF THE STORY?
OR TO ME?

OR CAN I REVOKE THAT?
WAS THE ARGUMENT ONLY TO KEEP ME OCCUPIED?

YEAH?

WHEN PEOPLE DON'T HAVE REASONS TO DISLIKE ME
IT SEEMS SOMEONE HAS TO GIVE THEM SOME.
EVEN IF THEY MAKE SH*T UP ABOUT ME
TO "AGREE" ABOUT
AND UNITE ON.

"WHY DIDN'T A*** XYZ WHEN SHE HAD EVERY REASON TO BE UPSET?"
"IF A*** COULD HAVE XYZ.... AND WAS XYZ... WHY DIDN'T SHE XYZ....?"

MAYBE A*** WASN'T XYZ!

IF ANYONE HAD ASKED ME WHAT HAPPENED?

BUT WHAT HAPPENED? DID THEY?

DID THEY ASK ME WHY I DROPPED IT?
BECAUSE IT WASN'T WORTH IT TO ME ANY MORE?

WASN'T WORTH A FK TO THEM, EH?

AM I RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT?

HOW WAS I "PORTRAYED"?
WHEN SOMEONE DIDN'T GET WHAT THEY WANTED?

MAYBE BEING PORTRAYED A CERTAIN WAY....
WAS SOMETHING.

IF SOMEONE WANTS TO LOOK AT A PORTRAYAL OF ME....
AND THINK THAT IS ME.... 

WHAT ARE THEY LOOKING AT? A PORTRAYAL?

AM I ME?
OR A PORTRAYAL OF ME?

"LOOK AT THIS PORTRAYAL OF A*** EVERYONE!"
BUT DON'T ASK THE REAL A*** ANYTHING...

OR TALK TO HER ABOUT HER SIDE OF ANYTHING...

THEY DON'T WANT TO ADMIT
THAT THEY WERE WRONG ABOUT ME.
AND ACTED ON IT.

WITHOUT KNOWING ANYTHING ABOUT ME.

BECAUSE THAT SH*T IS EMBARRASSING.
RIGHT?

SHOULD BE!

WHAT IF THEY GOT XYZ WRONG....
AND THEN.... DIDN'T KNOW XYZ
BECAUSE THEY TOOK XYZ FOR GRANTED...

AND WANTED EVERYONE TO USE THAT SCOPE
TO LOOK AT ME?

AND THEN? THEY DID!

IMAGINE!

THEY GET "USED TO ME"
BECAUSE THEY GOT TOO "COMFORTABLE" WITH ME...

AND THEN I WAS JUST.... XYZ.

THEY MISTAKE SOME THINGS FOR OTHER THINGS.

THEY NEED XYZ.... THAT THEY GOT FROM ME....

BUT THEY DISMISSED XYZ ABOUT ME....

AND DISMISSED ME.

RIGHT?

THEY ONLY VALUE IT WHEN THEY NEED IT. RIGHT?
SOMETHING ABOUT ME.

THEY THINK THEY WILL FIND IT IN EVERYONE.
SO THEY GO LOOK.

OKAY.

MY REPUTATION ISN'T BUILT ON OPINIONS ONLY.

I DO HAVE SOME QUALITIES.

WHY WERE THEY RELUCTANT TO "COOPERATE"?
AND REFUSE TO?

MAYBE THAT'S REQUIRED. RIGHT?

HOW FAR CAN ANYONE GET WITHOUT IT?
ANYWHERE?

ASKING FOR COOPERATION REPEATEDLY....
WASN'T GOING TO GET ME COOPERATION!

RIGHT?

I CAN CHOOSE TO JUST COOPERATE WITH PEOPLE
WHO ACTUALLY COOPERATE!

RIGHT?

I CAN HAVE A LIFE WHERE I DON'T HAVE TO WONDER
IF SOMEONE ACTUALLY REALLY CARES OR NOT.

WOULDN'T THAT BE A BETTER LIFE?
AND A BETTER WAY TO LIVE?

WHY WOULD I WANT TO WONDER?
IF THEY ACTUALLY FKN CARE OR NOT?

WHY WOULD I WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT?

LIKE "PUT A*** ON THE SHELF FOR 12 YEARS!"
WTF IS THAT?

WAY TO SAY: "A*** I CARE ABOUT YOU!"

FK! 

HEARD.... APPRECIATED... 
AND JUST SECURITY.

KNOWING.... "SHE'S NOT ALWAYS GOING TO BE HERE."
"I'D LIKE TO JUST.... TREAT HER LIKE I RECOGNIZE SOME THINGS."

THAT IS ALL. AS THOUGH I MATTER TO THEM.
THAT.

I CAN'T BUILD WITHOUT CONSIDERATION
AND WITHOUT COOPERATION.

MY VALUE EXISTED BEFORE ANYONE RECONSIDERED ANYTHING.
I WAS WORTH KEEPING.

BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE "KEPT" BECAUSE OF THAT.

WHAT I WANTED:
"I LIKE HER BECAUSE I KNOW HER."

BUT HOW DID THAT GO?

LIKE A MONTY PYTHON SKETCH....
IF THEY HAD ONE....
WHERE SOMEONE IS TRYING TO CONVINCE
EVERYONE THAT A PAINTING OF SOMEONE
IS THE REAL PERSON.

WHEN YOU LOOK AT IT THAT WAY, 
IT'S HILARIOUS.

Changes

I feel like.... Something might happen.

Something pretty decent....
And something.... I don't know yet.

Some people try to talk sh*t like...
TRYING TO TELL ME WHAT I THINK.
BECAUSE THEY THINK
THAT I THINK SOMETHING.

STRANGE.

I do feel the seasonal change.... But it's not just that.
You know how creatures prepare for winter...

It feels like I'm "preparing" for something, but energetically.

Anyway, I will admit that I was in a fktarded place at one time.
BECAUSE OF UNHEALTHY SH*T
THAT I HAD TO LET GO OF.

I KNOW THAT PEOPLE CAN CHANGE.

12 YEAR DISCARD COULD CHANGE, YEAH.
BUT I REMEMBER A LOT OF CRAP.

PUSHED ME AWAY.
SO? WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE CLOSE?
HARD TO TRUST? YEAH?
FOR ME, TOO.
BECAUSE OF THAT.

I get that people can be so fktarded....
THAT THEY DON'T SEE IT.

BUT FKTARDED PEOPLE
CAN'T HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.
OR PARTNERSHIP.

I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH THAT SH*T.

BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. Y'KNOW?

WOULD ANYONE EVEN KNOW ME? NO?

SO I DON'T EXPECT TO HAVE ANYTHING.
WHY WOULD I?

When someone was made to feel like they weren't worth sh*t....
It's easy to project that sh*t onto people....

INSTEAD OF NOT DOING IT.
JUST NOT DOING IT.

KIND OF HOW MIRROR SMASHER ACTED
WHEN I TOLD HIM. 

WHAT I HAD TO.
OTHERWISE THAT WOULD HAVE... 
JUST....

BUT... HOW DID THAT GO?

WHY DID I?
NOT SURE ANYMORE.

I THOUGHT SOME THINGS, I GUESS.
I WAS WRONG. THAT'S OKAY.

IT'S EASY TO CHOOSE WHAT THEY WERE USED TO.
WHAT THEY THOUGHT WAS... 

"LOVE."

BUT A LOT OF WHAT I THOUGHT IT WAS...
FROM GROWING UP FKTARDEDLY....

WASN'T THAT.

A LOT OF MY RELATIONSHIPS....
WERE FKD UP.... 
BECAUSE 

1) I WAS FKD UP
2) THE PERSON I WAS WITH WAS FKD UP

3) WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WASN'T FKD UP

A LOT OF AVOIDANCE.

SOME OF IT I STILL DO, BUT.... SOME OF IT I DON'T.

SOMEONE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT IDENTITY.
SHE WAS SAYING THAT.... WE BECAME HOW WE BECAME
BECAUSE OF OUR EXPERIENCES...
ESPECIALLY IN CHILDHOOD.

DRINKING... WAS AN AVOIDANCE.

BECAUSE THERE WERE A LOT OF THINGS....
*COUGH* (FEELINGS)
I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH.

AND THINGS I DIDN'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT
BECAUSE:

1) I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO THINK ABOUT
2) SOME THINGS I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT
3) I WAS USED TO THINKING ABOUT SOME THINGS
4) I WASN'T USED TO THINKING ABOUT SOME THINGS

I HAD TO GET USED TO THINKING ABOUT SOME THINGS.

NOT EASY. ESPECIALLY HARD THINGS TO THINK ABOUT.
NOT FUN.

BUT THERE ARE THINGS I WASN'T THINKING ABOUT.

I WASN'T READY TO.

BUT WHEN DID I BECOME READY TO?
WHEN I HAD TO HOLD MY OWN FEET TO THE FIRE.

TO DO THAT FOR MYSELF.

WHAT IS WEIRD TO ME....
IS HE POPPED UP AROUND THE TIME MY FRIEND AND I
HUNG OUT.

I GUESS THE RUMOR STARTED THAT I STARTED DATING LOL!

WAS HE COMING AT ME OUT OF JEALOUSY?

LIKE "A***'S STARTING TO DATE AGAIN!"
"BETTER GET IN THERE!"?

WAS I EVEN DATING, THOUGH?
OR DID I HAVE LUNCH WITH A FRIEND?

WHY BE WATCHING ME IN MY "LOVE LIFE"
WASN'T HE "TOO BUSY" DOING XYZ?

I DON'T EVEN HAVE A LOVE LIFE!

WANTED TO ARGUE WITH ME ONE LAST TIME?
FOR WHAT?

HAD NOTHING TO SAY TO ME FOR 12 YEARS....
THEN BAM! "HERE I AM!"

JUST SEEMED WEIRD.

"A*** WAS IN PUBLIC WITH A MALE! OMG!"
"PANIC IN THE DISCO!"

Not sure why I've felt like this, actually.

It does feel like an "ending," but I ended it
BECAUSE HE ALREADY DID.

I FEEL KIND OF ON A CUSP.
LIKE I'M GRASPING FOR PEACE 
THAT I THOUGHT I HAD...
BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT ANYTHING FROM HIM.
DEFINITELY NOT 12 YEARS LATER...

AND HOW HE ACTED... WHEN I DIDN'T WANT TO
GO THROUGH THAT AGAIN....

SAID THAT I'D HAVE TO... NO THANKS.

BUT ANOTHER VERSION OF ME
WOULD HAVE TOLD HIM TO FK OFF.
I DIDN'T.

I TOLD MIRROR SMASHER TO FK OFF, THOUGH.
HE PUSHED ME TO THAT POINT.

I THINK THAT SH*T WAS SO I COULD...
COME HOME.

MAYBE THAT'S WHAT THAT FEELING IS.

BUT ALSO GRIEF, AGAIN.
I FELT THAT GRIEF FEELING WHEN THINGS WERE CHANGING.
WHEN I FIRST QUIT DRINKING.

MAYBE HE FELT THAT BECAUSE HE WAS GETTING SOBER,
BUT THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

JUST THE BACK-AND-FORTH CRAP.... DID THAT SH*T.
JUST HAVE A DAMN CONVO!
IF YOU CAN'T.... JUST FK OFF.

BEING LEFT LIKE THAT....
SHOWED ME SOME THINGS.
THAT SH*T HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

THAT SH*T WAS BACK THEN. RIGHT?
AND IF HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN MY LIFE...
HE WOULD HAVE BEEN IN IT.

WAS HE TRYING TO "TEMPT" ME OR SOMETHING?
LIKE "THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED IN THE PAST..."

TO SEE HOW I WOULD MOVE?

MY TEST?

I KEEP TRYING TO SLEEP. IT'S NOT HAPPENING.

IT WILL. JUST A LOT GOING ON IN MY HEAD.

WITH THIS PROJECT... AND OTHER THINGS.

I'M THINKING ABOUT PUTTING SOMEONE ON IT
WITH ME.

WE'LL SEE.
I CAN ASK AND OFFER. RIGHT?

AND IF I HAVE TO DO THIS ONE ON MY OWN...
THAT IS OKAY.... BUT IT IS AN OPPORTUNITY
AND IT'S ONLY FOR SOMEONE I CAN TRUST.

OTHERWISE I'LL DO IT "ALONE."

LIKE MOST THINGS HAHA.

---------------------------------------

The kind of tired.... I can't fix it with sleep.

Where was his "I want to talk" in the last 12 years?
WHEN I WAS RIGHT THERE?

AND WHEN I WANTED TO TALK?
WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I WANTED TO TALK?

ALL OF A SUDDEN, I'M "TOXIC" AS AN "EXCUSE"
NOT TO TALK TO ME?

HE LITERALLY SAID TO ME:
"YOU'RE ONLY ANGRY BECAUSE YOU'RE DRUNK!"

I QUIT DRINKING SO HE WOULDN'T HAVE ANY 
"AMMUNITION"!

THAT'S HOW I KNOW IT'S BEEN 12 YEARS!

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN SOBER FOR 12 YEARS!

NOT BECAUSE I WAS COUNTING THE DAYS
OR SOME SH*T LIKE THAT.

ONCE HE BOUNCED... SO DID I.

THOUGHT HE BOUNCED, THOUGH.
SO WHY COME "BACK"?

TO DO SOME MORE BS?
OR TRY SOME?

Anyway.... Why act entitled to me coming back?
NOBODY IS ENTITLED
TO ACCESS ME.

NOT 12 YEARS LATER.
NOT AFTER THAT SH*T.

THAT BOTHERED ME. A LOT.

WHY BE A D*CK TO ME
AND TRY TO ACT LIKE THEY DIDN'T?

LIKE THEY WEREN'T?
FKN ARROGANCE.

That grinds my gears so much!

HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO'S DONE
SIMILAR THINGS.

ANYWAY..... I NEED TO GET THIS OFF MY MIND.

SOMEONE WAS SAYING THAT THERE'S A WAY
TO GET UNSTUCK FROM THIS.

THERE IS.
I'VE BEEN OUT OF THIS BEFORE.

OUT OF IT AND AWAY FROM IT.

I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE TO GRAB SOMETHING SOON.
BEFORE THE STORE CLOSES.

WHAT BUGS ME IS HOW SOMEONE WHO DID ME WRONG
WANT TO PLAY THE VICTIM.

LIKE I HURT THEM JUST BECAUSE IF THEY CAN'T DO "REAL TALK"
THERE ISN'T A POINT IN TALKING.

RIGHT?

REAL TALK OR STFU.

WHAT'S GONE IS GONE. RIGHT?
DONE IS DONE. GONE IS GONE.

ANYWAY, I SHOULD GET OUT THERE.
GET THAT STUFF.... BRB.