Physical Pain

Years ago, I stupidly started cracking my neck.
DON'T DO IT. 

I SCREWED IT UP.

IT HURTS NOW.

MY BACK HURTS, TOO. 

Maybe I'm getting older, but... 
It hurts!

My mouth isn't feeling great either.
Had a tooth pulled over a week ago.
The tooth next to the one I got pulled out....
Got damaged. 

I knew it was possibly going to happen.
They told me it might. It did.

Now I have to get that fixed, too.

I don't want to get it pulled.
If I can help it.

My friend had to get a test done
where they froze his throat
to stick a camera down it.

It doesn't sound pleasant or like any fun.

I wouldn't want to get that test done....
But if it has to get done, it has to.

Tests can't last forever.
At least those tests can't.

Been very tired lately.
It happens when the seasons change.

It's been fall for a while....
But winter's coming.

It already snowed in Calgary this year.

Speaking of Calgary....
That city has been putting up signs
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGES
WITH NO OFFICIAL LANGUAGE TRANSLATIONS
ON THOSE SIGNS.

THAT SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED.

THE FOREIGN LANGUAGE 
SHOULD BE THE TRANSLATION.

TRANSLATING ENGLISH.

THEY DON'T HAVE FRENCH OUT THERE.

IN THIS CITY, FRENCH IS MANDATORY. 
IT'S A LANGUAGE LAW.

There's someone on drugs yelling out there...
Earlier, someone got arrested.
THERE WERE 4 COP CARS.

DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY DID TO GET ARRESTED.

BEEN STICKING MY HEAD OUT
IF I HEAR SHOUTING.

MOSTLY BEEN KEEPING TO MYSELF.

BEEN HAVING SOME IDEAS....
BUT ONE THING AT A TIME.

Also, not a lot I can do while in PAIN.

Being in pain sucks, and it's hard to sleep sometimes. 

Not a lot I can do about it, though. 

I need to see a chiropractor to actually get it fixed....

But... That's a "future" thing.
Not something I can do right now. 

Just To Be Clear

Just because I had "feelings" for someone...
DIDN'T MEAN THEY WERE OBLIGATED
TO FEEL THE SAME WAY I DID, 
ABOUT ME.

That's not why I was upset. 
That's not what STUNG.

WHAT STUNG WAS ALL THE BS BECAUSE OF THAT.

Because you can KNOW how someone feels....
AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAD THEM ON.

JUST THAT.

IF YOU DON'T FEEL ANYTHING FOR THEM....

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SH*T ON THEM.

NO FALSE HOPES. NO BS. 
HONESTY. 

JUST THAT. 

IT DOES NOT MEAN
"I HAVE TO PLAY WITH HER FEELINGS."
"I HAVE TO TRY TO MAKE HER FEEL LIKE SHE'S NOTHING."

IF I DON'T MATTER TO YOU, DON'T PRETEND.

AND THEN..... AFTER PRETENDING... 
TO "CARE"
WHEN YOU ACTUALLY DIDN'T.... AT ALL....

PLAY GAMES. 

JUST THAT. 

THAT'S ALL I WAS ASKING FOR.

NOT: "I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU, MARRY ME!"
OR ANYTHING CRAZY OR FKD UP.

JUST: "IF IT'S NOT MUTUAL.... DON'T BE A D*CK."

It's not that I "can't" be "alone."
IT'S MORE COMFORT TO ACTUALLY BE ALONE....
THAN "TRY" TO HAVE "SOMETHING"
WITH SOMEONE WHO JUST......
WANTS TO THROW ME AWAY.
LIKE NOTHING.

Big difference.

Nobody was ever OBLIGATED to FEEL THE WAY I DID!
OR WANT WHAT I WANTED.

IF I THOUGHT THEY WERE.... 
THAT WOULD BE LIKE THINKING
I WAS "ENTITLED" TO THEM "RETURNING" 
MY FEELINGS.

BUT.... COULD THEY HAVE.... ACKNOWLEDGED THAT?
HOW I FELT? AT ALL?

BUT THEN...... AFTER I SHUT DOWN......
AFTER YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS
OF GAMES.... 

THEY STILL TRY TO PLAY WITH ME.

That's why he came back 12 years LATER!

BECAUSE IT'S A GAME
TO GHOST AND TRY TO COME BACK
LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.

LIKE THEY DIDN'T DISCARD ME.
LIKE THEY "FORGOT" THE DETAILS.
BUT "REMEMBER" THE EXCUSES.

AND THEN.... WHEN I DON'T WANT TO FKN PLAY!!!!!!!!!!!
OR BE PLAYED WITH....

I'M "TOXIC" FOR THAT.

TO TRY TO GASLIGHT ME
ABOUT MY OWN FKN SANITY AND REALITY.

I KNEW HE WAS NEVER OBLIGATED....
TO FEEL ANYTHING FOR ME.... 

NOBODY IS.

BUT..... CERTAIN THINGS....
I NEVER HAD TO TOLERATE.

AND WHEN I REFUSE TO "CHASE."
I'M "TOXIC."

WHEN I CALL THEM OUT:
"TOXIC."

They could.... Ask themselves.... WHY....
I would be more comfortable with myself
THAN I WAS BEFORE.
WHEN PEOPLE DID THAT SH*T.
TO ME.

FOR WHATEVER REASON THEY DID IT FOR.....
I DON'T HAVE TO "CARE" WHY THEY DID IT.

DO I NEED "EXCUSES" FOR BS? NO.
I DON'T NEED OR WANT THAT CRAP.

THEY USE "EXCUSES"
BECAUSE THE ACTUAL TRUTH...
ISN'T "COMFORTABLE" FOR THEM.

OR? THEY'D TELL IT!

What I'm not cool with.... Is being.... Underestimated. 
BY PEOPLE WHO NEVER KNEW ME.

I'm capable of underestimating myself!
THEY KNEW THIS.

THAT'S WHY THEY TRIED TO GASLIGHT ME.

But....? Why doesn't that work?

BECAUSE I SEE THAT FOR WHAT IT IS.
I SEE THEM DOING IT.

AND YES, I WILL SAY SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

AS SOON AS YOU HAVE BOUNDARIES....
AND CHANGE HOW YOU OPERATE....
AND PEOPLE CAN'T GET WHAT THEY WANT....
THEY CAN'T FK YOU AROUND.... 

WATCH! WATCH HOW THEY ACT! 
BECAUSE THEY ARE ACTING LIKE THAT
FOR A REASON.

I COULD HAVE PLAYED GAMES, TOO. RIGHT?
DID I? DID I EVEN WANT TO? NO?

IF I WANTED TO.... I WOULD HAVE!!!!!!!!!!!
RIGHT?

That is the point.

Not that I ever thought they were OBLIGATED 
to feel the way I did.

WOULD IT HAVE BEEN COOL, IF THEY DID? 
YEAH.

BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T HAVE....
SCREWED ME AROUND.

OR PLAYED WITH ME IN ANY WAY.

IF THEIR INTENTIONS
WERE THE SAME AS MINE.

THAT IS ALL. 
BUT???? THEIR INTENTIONS....
WERE NOT THE SAME AS MINE.

AND AFTER I WALK AWAY....
THEY TRY ME AGAIN.

THAT.... IS WHAT BUGGED ME.
NOT: "HE DIDN'T LOVE ME BACK!"

SO NATURALLY, AFTER ALL OF THAT CRAP....
I'D BE GUARDING MY HEART. 

AWAY FROM PEOPLE WHO WOULD FK WITH IT.
OR TRY TO.
OR TRY TO PLAY WITH ME.

THEY FIND OUT VERY FAST....
I DON'T DO "TRAUMA BONDS."

REAL BONDS.... OR FK OFF. 

EVEN IF THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY "ROMANCE"
INTEREST IN ME.... 

COOL.

1) BE HONEST ABOUT THAT.
2) DON'T EVER PRETEND YOU DO! 
3) DON'T PLAY GAMES!
4) MUTUAL RESPECT OR FK OFF.

AND IF YOU LOST MY RESPECT.....
YOU LOST IT FOR A REASON OR MANY REASONS.

USUALLY IT TAKES QUITE A BIT FOR ME TO GET THERE.

BECAUSE I USED TO GIVE CHANCES LIKE CANDIES.
BUT I DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE.

DOING THAT.... DIDN'T GIVE ME ANYTHING.

MADE PEOPLE NOT RESPECT THE CHANCES THEY GOT.
THEY JUST EXPECTED MORE AND MORE AND MORE.
LIKE I WAS NEVER GOING ANYWHERE.

THAT'S WHAT IT DID.

They try to "control" and "dominate" me, also.
NO. TRY THAT AND FIND OUT WHY IT DOESN'T WORK.

BECAUSE THE MOMENT YOU TRY ME...
I WILL SHOW YOU.

I DON'T LIKE IT.... BUT... I'LL DO THAT.
WHEN NEEDED.

BUT WHEN PEOPLE ARE STUCK IN THEIR OWN SH*T....
THEY ARE!

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH AND ABOUT THAT?

I LEAVE THEM.... STUCK IN IT.... BY THEMSELVES.
AND I LIVE MY LIFE WITHOUT THEM IN IT.

BECAUSE????? I CAN.
THAT'S WHY.

THEY DON'T LIKE IT.... BUT?????

AM I SUPPOSED TO TRY TO "CONTROL" THEM?
TRY TO "MAKE" THEM SEE THE TRUTH?
THAT THEY "REFUSE" TO SEE?

IN A TRILLION DIFFERENT WAYS?
IF NOTHING "WORKS"?

NO. IT'S FOR THEM TO SEE.
I ALREADY SAW A LOT. 
I AM COOL WITH THAT.
SEEING IT MEANS I GET TO DO SOMETHING WITH IT.

WHAT CAN I DO
WITH SOMETHING I CAN'T SEE?

Anything????? Can I? No.

SO THEN WHY WOULD I REFUSE TO SEE IT?

TO PUT MYSELF AT A DISADVANTAGE?

And if they choose someone OVER ME. OKAY.
BUT DON'T GO BEHIND THEIR BACK....
TO TRY TO TALK TO ME..... 
BECAUSE YOU ALREADY.... CHOSE.

JUST THAT.

Yes, I have friends who are married.
Who I speak with. 

BUT WE ARE ONLY FRIENDS, JUST THAT.

AND I'D RATHER NOT BE INVOLVED
WITH SOMEONE.... WHO IS INVOLVED
WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

1) ISN'T FAIR WITH THE ONE THEY ARE INVOLVED WITH
2) ISN'T FAIR TO ME, EITHER.

BUT WHY WOULD THEY GO BEHIND THEIR BACK?
IF THEY THINK THEY'D LASH OUT....

AND I WARNED MIRROR SMASHER ABOUT THAT HOE.
TOLD HIM ABOUT THE "THREATS."

AND SHE DID THREATEN ME. 
OVER HIM.

WHEN IT ISN'T HER CHOICE.
WHO HE WANTS TO BE WITH......

NOT UP TO HER.

SHE HAS NO CONTROL OVER THAT.

HE ISN'T HER "PROPERTY."

SO SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO "THREATEN"
ANYONE OVER HIS OWN CHOICES
THAT HE HAS A RIGHT TO MAKE.
ON HIS OWN.

But.... I'm a "threat" so......
THAT'S WHY SHE "THREATENED" ME.

HE WAS NOT HAPPY WITH HER.
HE TOLD ME SHE CHEATED ON HIM.

MAYBE THEIR FIRST KID ISN'T EVEN HIS.
SHE WAS CHEATING "WHILE" PREGNANT.

MAYBE... SHE CHEATED AND "GOT" PREGNANT.

AND IF THAT WAS THE CASE....
SHE LIED TO HIM ABOUT THAT.

TO "TRAP" HIM WITH A BABY.

SOME CHICKS DO THAT.

AND IF HE WASN'T HAPPY WITH HER....
HOW SHE ACTS ETC.....

THEN.... THAT... HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

BECAUSE I DON'T ACT LIKE THAT.

I NEVER CONTACTED HER EVEN ONCE.
WANTED NOTHING TO DO WITH HER, PERIOD.

IT'D BE LIKE IF MY EX CONTACTED HIM, 
THREATENING HIM. 

RIGHT?

THAT'S WHAT I NEEDED HIM TO SEE....
BUT? HE WOULDN'T.

If I wanted to "harm" her...
WHY WOULD I THREATEN TO DO IT?
I WOULD JUST DO IT?

ALL I DID WAS TELL HER NOT TO FKN PLAY WITH ME EITHER.
BECAUSE THEY BOTH WERE.

NOT JUST HER, NOT JUST HIM. 

BOTH.

AND BECAUSE OF THAT SH*T.....
I DON'T HAVE TO BE THERE.
NEVER HAD TO BE THERE.

Wanted him to see THAT, TOO.... BUT?

BUT.... BS... DOESN'T WORK FOR ME.
THERE CAN'T BE ANY EXCEPTIONS.

BECAUSE THEY WON'T TAKE MY STANDARDS
SERIOUSLY. 

IF I LET THEM KEEP ON WITH THEIR BS.

THAT'S WHY 12-YEAR-DISCARD.....
DOESN'T GET TO "POP IN"
AND GET ANOTHER CHANCE.

HAD I LET HIM BACK IN?
THINKING "IT'LL BE DIFFERENT THIS TIME"?

IT WOULD BE LIKE MIRROR SMASHER.
AGAIN. 

THINGS MIGHT HAVE BEEN "NICE" FOR A BIT.
AND THEN..... THEY'D DO THAT SH*T. AGAIN.

THEY HAD THE CHANCE.... ALREADY....
TO JUST.... TREAT ME PROPERLY.

AND WHEN LOYALTY MATTERED AND COUNTED....

WHAT DID THEY DO WITH THAT CHANCE?
THOSE CHANCES?

WASTED THEM?
WASTED MY TIME?
ALREADY?

SO????? WHY WOULD I THINK....
ANYTHING WOULD BE "DIFFERENT THIS TIME"?

ALREADY DID ME DIRTY....
I CAN WISH PEOPLE WELL.....
BUT I DO NOT NEED TO WELCOME THEM BACK.

ESPECIALLY AFTER THAT SH*T.
THEY ALREADY SHOWED ME.
RIGHT?

I DON'T HAVE TO LET THEM SHOW ME REPEATEDLY.
I DON'T HAVE TO PUT MYSELF THROUGH THAT.

BUT FLIPPING THEIR SH*T ONTO ME....
ISN'T COOL.

IT'S A TEST.

HER DOING IT. HIM DOING IT.
ALL THE FKERS DOING IT.

BUT..... I DON'T HAVE TO LET THEM.

WHAT STUNG WAS GIVING THEM WHAT I HAD....
AND GETTING BS BACK.

THAT IS WHAT STUNG.

NOT "HE DIDN'T LOVE ME BACK!"

IF I HAVE TO GRIEVE EITHER WAY.....
I'D RATHER BE "ALONE."

"IF A***'S SCARED I'LL LEAVE HER....
I'LL GHOST HER FOR 12 YEARS!"

AND IF HE CHOSE TO FK ME AROUND EVEN MORE
THAN HE DID BEFORE?

IF YOU LET SH*T SLIDE..... 
THEY THINK IT IS OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT NEVER WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BETTER OFF ON MY OWN!

I'M NOT SCARED OF ANYONE "LEAVING."
THEY CAN "GO."

THERE IS NOTHING TO BE SCARED OF.

IF THEY DISRESPECT ME....
THE "CONNECTION".....

WHAT WERE THEY EVEN "THERE" FOR?
FOR ME?????? FK NO!

NO LOYALTY.

SO THEN?????? WHY BE "THERE"?
FOR ME?????

HA! 

AND WHEN I DON'T MAKE ANY EXCEPTIONS?
I'M "TOXIC."

FOR NOT LETTING THEM JUST "COME BACK."
LIKE THEY NEVER DID ANYTHING.

ANYONE WHO DIDN'T VALUE ME......
DOESN'T GET TO DEVALUE ME EVEN MORE
THAN THEY DID BEFORE.

BECAUSE..... SAW AN "OPPORTUNITY."
IT WASN'T ABOUT ME.
IT WAS BECAUSE THEY WANTED SOMETHING
FROM ME.

BECAUSE IF IT WAS ABOUT ME....
HE WOULD HAVE VALUED ME.

JUST THAT.

GOING BACKWARDS WOULD BE LIKE SAYING:
THIS IS ALL I DESERVE
WHEN I NEVER DESERVED ANY OF THAT SH*T.

THEY HAD A CHANCE.
TO SHOW ME..... WHO THEY WERE.
THEY DID.

I DON'T HAVE TO LET THEM SHOW ME AGAIN.
ALREADY SAW IT.

"PEOPLE CHANGE, A***." OKAY, COOL....
BUT THAT STILL DOESN'T MEAN THAT I WANT THAT SH*T IN MY LIFE.

THEY HAD THE CHANCE NOT TO BE ABOUT IT....
AND CHOSE WHAT THEY CHOSE TO BE ABOUT.

AND IT WASN'T ABOUT ME AT ALL. 

SO THEY CAN HAVE WHAT THEY WANTED....
EVEN IF THEY AREN'T HAPPY WITH IT.

AND THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

PEOPLE SAW ME AS "DIFFERENT"
BECAUSE I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF I WAS LIKE THEM......
I'D HAVE ACTED JUST LIKE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RIGHT?

I CAN COUNT MORE PEOPLE
WHO DIDN'T "BELIEVE" IN ME

THAN ANYONE WHO DID!!!!!!! OKAY????

AND IF THEY DIDN'T..... COOL..... 
BUT DID THEY HAVE TO FK ME AROUND????????

BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T??????

"LEAST LIKELY TO SUCCEED...." OKAY.

COOL. BUT I'LL REMEMBER HOW PEOPLE ACTED.

WHY WOULDN'T I REMEMBER THAT?
HMMM?

WHY WOULDN'T I REMEMBER.....
BEING TREATED LIKE CRAP?

LIKE I DIDN'T MATTER?
LIKE THEY DIDN'T "CARE" ABOUT ME?

OF COURSE I WAS GOING TO REMEMBER THAT. 

WOULDN'T THEY? IF I DID THAT SH*T?
PROBABLY!

RIGHT?

They Don't Know How To React

When I'm done and give up on "getting through" to someone...
THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO REACT.

THEY DO REACT.
OFTEN BADLY.

BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO REACT.

I've had to "deal" with that.

DID I ALWAYS KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THAT?
NO.

DID I OFTEN REACT BADLY TO THEIR REACTION? 
YEAH.

TWO BAD REACTIONS ARE.... WHAT?
TWO BAD REACTIONS.

THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE.

DID I REACT WELL TO 12 YD?
WHEN HE TRIED TO COME BACK?

NOT ENTIRELY. I TRIED.

BUT HE NEEDED TO REALIZE SOME THINGS.

1) HE DIDN'T KNOW ME THEN
2) HE REALLY DOESN'T KNOW ME NOW
3) I DON'T HAVE TO GIVE HIM ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY TO WASTE
4) HE ALREADY WASTED THE OPPORTUNITY I ALREADY GAVE HIM
5) I'M NOT "SCARED" TO BE ALONE
6) I PREFER MY SOLITUDE OVER DISHONESTY AND BS

Can't "tell my story" when they don't know what it is!
FOOLISH.

Can exaggerate the things they know....
BUT FILLING IN THE BLANKS.... 

WITH WHAT I WON'T EXPLAIN YET AGAIN.....
BECAUSE NOBODY WAS LISTENING... 

THE MORE THEY TALK, THE MORE BLANKS THERE ARE.

THE TRUTH DOES THE TALKING.
FILLS THE BLANKS HONESTLY.

IN A WAY THEY COULD NEVER.

AND NUMBER 6...... IS A FACT. 
DID ANYONE ASK ME WHAT I MEANT?
DID ANYONE ASK ME WHY I SAID IT?

OR DID THAT JUST MEAN "A***'S TOXIC."

THERE IS A BRIDGE BETWEEN WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED
AND WHAT SOMEONE ASSUMED....
OR HOW THEY INTERPRETED. 

BECAUSE... IT'S EITHER ABOUT WHAT I SAY....
OR HOW I SAY IT.

If they NEED their INTERPRETATION
TO BE TRUE.....

THEIR ASSUMPTION.... 

"THEY PICK THE EXPLANATION THAT MAKES
THE MOST SENSE TO THEM."

THEIR OWN EXPLANATION.

NOT MINE.
NEVER ASKED FOR MINE.

AND SOMETIMES I DON'T OFFER ONE....
BECAUSE THEY ALREADY CHOSE THEIRS.

I HAVE TO "DEFEND" MYSELF....
INSIDE SOMEONE ELSE'S "VERSION" OF EVENTS.

"IT'S YOUR TONE." REALLY?

IF I SAY IT THE WAY THEY WOULD....
WOULD THEY "UNDERSTAND" WHAT I'M SAYING?
AND WHY I'M SAYING IT?

THEY WANT MY REACTION
TO SUPPORT THEIR INTERPRETATION. 

BUT THEY NEVER ASKED ME!

THEY ASSUMED XYZ, AND THEIR ASSUMPTION
WAS THEIR INTERPRETATION. 

LIKE WHEN I LEFT THE "SECURITY" MEETING.
LIKE I HAD A RIGHT TO DO....
BUT.... THAT BECAME AN INTERPRETATION
OF MY ENTIRE PERSONALITY!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE I WAS "TOO ANGRY" OR WHATEVER....

NO.... BECAUSE.... I HAD A "RIGHT"
TO JUST LEAVE. 

SIMPLE.

DID THEY LISTEN TO WHAT I SAID?
OR HOW I SAID IT?

AND THEY WANT ME TO "ARGUE"
WITH THEIR VERSION OF WHAT "HAPPENED."

Someone made a point... 
She was saying... 

YOU CAN ASSUME WHY PEOPLE MAKE ASSUMPTIONS.

WAS IT FAIR FOR THEM TO TWIST MY WORDS?

"NOTICING SOMETHING
ISN'T THE SAME AS KNOWING WHAT IT MEANS."

I CAN NOTICE THEY ASSUMED SOMETHING ABOUT ME.

IT CAN BUG ME THAT THEY DO THAT SH*T TO ME, 
ALL THE TIME!

YOU CAN SEPARATE WHAT YOU KNOW....
FROM WHAT YOU THINK YOU KNOW.

JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU KNOW SOMETHING....
DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU DO!

THEY THOUGHT THEY KNEW WHAT I MEANT.
THINKING THEY KNEW WHAT I MEANT
ISN'T THE SAME THING AS KNOWING.

THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE POINT WAS!
IT BECOMES: "YOUR TONE."

OR "YOUR FACIAL EXPRESSIONS"
OR SOMETHING ELSE.

"SHE LEFT."

YES, I DID.

WASN'T A POINT IN STAYING. 

SHOULD I TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
FOR ANYONE'S INTERPRETATION
OF WHAT I SAID?

EVEN THOUGH THE WORDS I ACTUALLY SAID.....
SHOULD HAVE BEEN SUFFICIENT.

BUT NOBODY LOOKS AT WHAT I SAID.

IF THEY DID..... THEY WOULD LIKELY "UNDERSTAND"
WHY I SAID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I THOUGHT YOUR TONE MEANT XYZ...."
BUT DID IT?

OR DID MY WORDS MEAN WHAT THEY MEANT?
LIKE THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO?

HAVING TO RE-EXPLAIN CERTAIN THINGS....
THAT SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE RE-EXPLAINED.....
OR CLARIFIED....

IS.... FRUSTRATING.

HAVING TO TRY TO CONVINCE SOMEONE.....
THAT THEY CONVINCED THEMSELVES.....

IS.... FRUSTRATING.

BUT THEY "INTERPRET" YOUR WORDS...
AND "BEHAVIOR."

BECAUSE IF YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN THAT MEETING....
AND YOU WALKED OUT ON THE BS....

BECAUSE IT WASN'T GOING ANYWHERE....

AND IF THEY ARE "WRONG"
WILL THEY ADMIT THEY WERE?

IF THEY MADE A "MISTAKE"
WILL THEY ADMIT THEY DID?

I CAN "EXPLAIN" SOMETHING....
OR "CLARIFY"

BUT IF ANYONE IS COMMITTED.....
TO "MISINTERPRETING"
OR"MISUNDERSTANDING" ME.... 

IS THERE A POINT.... IN TRYING TO "CONVINCE" THEM?

OUT OF THEIR OWN BS?

I CAN GIVE "EXAMPLES" OF WHAT I MEANT.....
IN WAYS THEY MIGHT UNDERSTAND THEM... 

BUT... DO MY EXAMPLES
GUARANTEE THAT.... 
THEY WILL "UNDERSTAND"?

THEY EITHER GET IT OR THEY DON'T!
RIGHT?

BUT.... MY POINT IS....
IF YOU THINK YOU GOT IT....
WHEN YOU ACTUALLY DIDN'T.....

DOES THAT MEAN YOU GOT IT?
BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU DID?

ARE YOU THINKING YOU GOT IT... 
OR DID YOU GET IT?

ARE THOSE THE SAME THINGS?
NO?

THAT IS THE POINT.

THINKING YOU GOT SOMETHING... 
THAT YOU ACTUALLY DIDN'T....
BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO BUSY THINKING YOU DID... 

IS NOT THE SAME THING....
AS ACTUALLY GETTING IT.

So..... THINKING.... That they "get" ME.....
IS NOT THE SAME THING.....
AS UNDERSTANDING ME.

IF THEY CAN'T UNDERSTAND MY WORDS....
AND WHY I SAID WHAT I SAID....

HOW ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO UNDERSTAND ME?

THEY DON'T.

So "expecting" them to understand me....
ISN'T LOGICAL.

WOULDN'T IT BE GROOVY?
JUST TO BE UNDERSTOOD?

BUT? WHEN AM I? EVER? UNDERSTOOD?

WHEN I USE EXAMPLES?
THAT MAKES SENSE?

WHEN I PUT IT IN WRITING?

WHEN THERE'S NO WAY TO TWIST MY WORDS?
INTO SOMETHING I DIDN'T SAY?

ONLY THEN?

If they PUT THEMSELVES IN MY SHOES?
IF THEY EVEN CAN?

BUT WHEN DO THEY EVER DO THAT?
DO THEY EVEN TRY TO?

But??? "A*** has BOUNDARIES?"
"SHE'S TOXIC FOR HAVING BOUNDARIES!"

"FOR NOT WANTING TO PUT UP WITH MY SH*T.... AGAIN."

TRYING TO "RETURN" LIKE THEY DIDN'T FK ME AROUND....
RIGHT?

IF I DID THAT SH*T.... WOULD THEY WANT TO "RECONNECT"?
OR NO????

PROBABLY NOT.

BUT "CAN'T" PUT THEMSELVES IN MY SHOES.
NOT EVEN FOR THAT. 

DO I GAF IF THEY "UNDERSTAND" ANYTHING ELSE? NO!

BUT IF THEY UNDERSTOOD THAT... JUST THAT....
THEY'D UNDERSTAND....

WHY I HAVE THOSE "BOUNDARIES."

AND WHY I HAVE TO OPERATE FROM THAT "SPACE."

DO I WANT TO? NO?

Why It Stung

I already wrote about how Mirror Smasher.....
Was my first crush. 

I was a child. So was he. 
I was 2 years old. 
He was 4.

When his mom and my mom stopped being friends....

MY MOM TOLD ME THAT I WAS NEVER GOING TO SEE HIM AGAIN!

I CRIED FOR DAYS.....!

MY GRANDMOTHER..... BLESS HER..... TOLD ME.....
TO GET ME TO STOP CRYING.....
THAT I WOULD, ONE DAY.

THEN WHEN I TURNED 4 YEARS OLD....
ALL I WANTED....
FOR MY BIRTHDAY....
WAS TO HAVE A LITTLE PARTY
AND HAVE HIM COME TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY.

HE DID COME! WITH HIS MOM.

AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF:
"I'M GOING TO MARRY HIM ONE DAY."

AND I DIDN'T SEE HIM AGAIN, 
AFTER THAT.... UNTIL HIGH SCHOOL.

HE DIDN'T REMEMBER ME.
HIS MOM DID.

DO 4-YEAR-OLDS THINK:
"I'M GOING TO RUIN HIS LIFE!
I'M GOING TO TAKE XYZ FROM HIM!"
OR WHATEVER TF?

NO. 

Anyway, that's why it stung. 
BECAUSE MY INTENTIONS WERE PURE.
HOW I FELT WAS REAL.

Maybe all that I was hoping for, if anything....
WAS FOR HIM TO SEE THAT. JUST THAT.

In my mind, if he saw that.... 
He'd see other things, too. 

So BEING TREATED LIKE THAT...........
ALL THAT CARELESSNESS.......

DID HURT. AT THE TIME.....
MORE THAN EVEN I THOUGHT IT WOULD.

BECAUSE BEFORE THAT.....
I CARRIED A LOT ALREADY.

I DIDN'T THINK HE'D ADD TO IT.

I WAS HOPING HE'D SEE THAT
AND NOT WANT TO ADD TO THAT.

NOBODY SAW WHAT I SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO
CARRY.....
WITHOUT MORE BEING ADDED TO IT.

Someone asked me today: "What's your biggest trauma?"

I can't really point to just one thing as being "the biggest."
Because I've been through a lot of sh*ttiness.

So I told him how my father died.

At the time.... It was traumatic....
BECAUSE A 12-YEAR-OLD DOESN'T KNOW 
HOW TO DEAL WITH THAT.

THAT WAS 30 YEARS AGO.
I HAD 30 YEARS TO THINK ABOUT THAT.

TO PROCESS IT, IN SOME WAY. I DID THAT.

WHO WAS THERE FOR ME WHEN I HAD TO?
ANYONE?

I HAD WRITING. WRITING WAS THERE FOR ME.
UNDERSTAND WHY IT MATTERS TO ME?

I told him how I made peace with it.
HE DIDN'T WANT TO SUFFER.

HIS MOTHER AND HIS BROTHER
BOTH DIED OF CANCER.

IF HE HAD CANCER, TOO, 
HE PROBABLY DIDN'T WANT TO SUFFER.

JUST THAT.

EASIER TO CARRY THAT. 

Everything that happened after that..... 
LIKE BEING EMANCIPATED FROM MY MOTHER....
AND HER CHOOSING THAT....
AND ME NOT HAVING A SAY IN THAT....
AND BEING FORCED INTO PLACES I DIDN'T WANT TO BE IN....
WITH BS RULES I DIDN'T AGREE TO.....

I HAD TO CARRY THAT, TOO.

I had to carry a lot of things that I hardly ever talk about.

WHY DON'T I TALK ABOUT THOSE THINGS?
THERE ISN'T MUCH OF A POINT.

BECAUSE EVEN IF I HAD..... ANYONE.... TO TELL.....
WHAT WOULD BE THE POINT IN TELLING THEM?

DID I EVER WANT "PITY" FROM ANYONE?
OR.... UNDERSTANDING?

AND.... WHO.... WOULD UNDERSTAND?
THOSE THINGS?

Heartbreak.... Sure... On some level, we can all understand that... 
Grief.... Sure... On some level, we can all understand that...

But why should I have to tell people WHY I'm tired?
Carrying things for a long time.... Can weigh on someone.
After a long time of carrying it. 

So.... Some things I don't carry anymore.
And.... Not carrying those things anymore....

HAS MADE A DIFFERENCE FOR ME.

NOT THAT I "NEED" SOMEONE "BESIDE ME"
TO "HELP ME" CARRY ANYTHING
I'VE ALREADY CARRIED THIS LONG BY MYSELF. 

BECAUSE.... I DON'T AND NEVER DID.

I found it interesting. As a question. 
I didn't ask him why he asked me that.

I didn't ask him what his is.
I didn't ask him why he wanted to know.

I thought: We already had a conversation
ABOUT HOW IMPORTANT TRUST IS
TO BOTH OF US.

I DIDN'T GET THE FEELING:
"HE'S GOING TO USE THIS AGAINST ME."

SO I TOLD HIM. OPENLY. HONESTLY. 
I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM TALKING ABOUT MY PAST.
MY PAST, THOUGH, IS THE PAST.

I'M NOT THE 12-YEAR-OLD GIRL WHO HAD TO SIT WITH THAT, 
WHILE OTHER KIDS MY AGE HAD THEIR FATHERS.

WHILE HAVING TO FKN SING "TEARS IN HEAVEN"
WITH MY CLASS.... THAT SAME YEAR.... 

THE SONG I SANG WITH HIM IN HIS TRUCK....

I'M NOT THE 13-YEAR-OLD NOBODY WANTED.

I'M NOT THE MOTHER WHO NEVER GOT MARRIED....

I'M NOT THE PERSON WHO'S BEEN DISREGARDED......
FOR YEARS..... OVERLOOKED....
BY ALMOST EVERYONE....
ALL THE TIME....

I AM THE WRITER WHO WROTE.
THE THINKER WHO THOUGHT.
THE FEELER WHO FELT.

THROUGH EVERY LITTLE DAMN THING....
I EVER WENT THROUGH IN MY LIFE.....

ALONE.

SO NOBODY CAN SAY "I WAS THERE FOR HER"
WHEN THEY WEREN'T!

WHEN THEY COULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE
TO STEP UP....

TO ACTUALLY.....
"BE THERE" FOR ME....

BUT???? WRITING WAS THERE FOR ME.

WRITING DOESN'T DISAPPOINT ME, OR HURT ME....
WRITING DOESN'T JUDGE ME OR MAKE ASSUMPTIONS.
WRITING NEVER TURNED ITS BACK ON ME FOR A REACTION.
WRITING NEVER PLAYED GAMES WITH ME.
WRITING NEVER TREATED ME IN WAYS I DIDN'T DESERVE....
FOR "REASONS" I DIDN'T DESERVE... TO BE TREATED.... LIKE THAT.

WRITING NEVER MADE A MOCKERY..... OF MY PAIN.
OR TREATED ME LIKE A JOKE. 

Or treated me like HAVING HUMAN FEELINGS
MADE ME A "PROBLEM."

OR QUESTIONED ANYTHING ABOUT ME.
NEVER DOUBTED ME, NOT ONCE.

WRITING WAS MY "SAFE PLACE"
AND HAS BEEN.... SINCE I WAS VERY YOUNG.

SINCE I COULD WRITE.
HAVING THAT.... WAS ALL I NEEDED. EVER.

So that's all I had... And it... Kept me going....
FOR MOST OF MY LIFE.

AND I CAN'T EXPECT ANYONE TO UNDERSTAND THAT.
I DON'T GAF IF THEY DO OR DON'T.

THAT'S FOR ME, NOT THEM.
THEY CAN HAVE THEIR OWN THINGS.
IF THEY WRITE, MAYBE IT CAN HELP THEM, TOO.

BUT IT'S FOR ME TO UNDERSTAND THAT, NOT THEM.

SAME WITH.... UNDERSTANDING....
EVERYTHING I CAME TO.... UNDERSTAND....
IN SOME WAY.....
FROM JUST..... EXPRESSING SOME THINGS....

HOW EXPRESSING IT.... MEANT.....
I DIDN'T HAVE TO CARRY IT FOREVER.
ON MY SHOULDERS... 
LIKE BEFORE.

And that.... Maybe.... Some other humans....
Might understand pieces of it here and there, if they could. 

If they couldn't.... Then they couldn't... 
And that is okay.

I WOULDN'T WANT THEM TO KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE.

BECAUSE I DO. 

I HAD TO LIVE WITH THAT STUFF....
CONSTANTLY....

AS THOUGH THERE WASN'T REALLY SUCH A THING....
AS TAKING A BREAK FROM IT....

THERE IS, BUT IT'S NOT QUITE LIKE THAT....
BECAUSE IT'S STILL THERE UNDERNEATH EVERYTHING. 

IT'S EASIER TRYING TO ACT LIKE I'M OKAY.
AND LETTING PEOPLE THINK I AM.

AND THEN JUST HANDLING EVERYTHING ON MY OWN...
LIKE I ALWAYS HAD TO DO ANYWAY.

LETTING "EVERYTHING" BE "MY FAULT"
ALL THE FKN TIME.

NO MATTER WHAT.

BECAUSE NOBODY CAN SEE AND COULD CARE LESS
ABOUT THE TRUTH.

BUT????? THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD SAY.

TRYING TO EARN THE RIGHT TO BE "HEARD"
IS FKN EXHAUSTING.

BY FKN EVERYONE.

WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO EARN THAT "RIGHT"?

SOME PEOPLE.... JUDGE MY CHARACTER.....
ON THINGS I NEVER EVEN GET TO FKN SAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ON QUESTIONS I NEVER GOT TO ANSWER!

THEY NEVER TALK ABOUT WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED!
ONLY ABOUT WHAT THEY THINK I'M LIKE.

BECAUSE NOBODY ACTUALLY KNOWS.

EVEN BEING CONFUSED ABOUT WHY
THAT WAS EVEN HAPPENING....

GETS USED AGAINST ME.

WHAT SOMEONE TELLS THEM....
ISN'T THE WHOLE THING.

BUT....???? DID THEY EVER ASK ME?
OR DID THEY JUMP ON BELIEVING
WHATEVER WAS EASY TO BELIEVE?

2 VERSIONS OF THE SAME THING
CAN'T BOTH BE ACCURATE.

BEING CLEAR DOESN'T MEAN BEING BELIEVED.
OR HAVING THE TRUTH ACKNOWLEDGED.

IF EVERY CONVERSATION I TRIED TO HAVE.....
ENDS UP IN ANOTHER "MISUNDERSTANDING..."

IF EVERY ACCUSATION AGAINST ME...
AGAINST MY CHARACTER....

HAVING TO EXPLAIN MYSELF
YET AGAIN....
WOULD HAVE WHAT?

DONE SOMETHING?
CHANGED SOMETHING?

ANYTHING?
NOTHING?

BUT IT'S ONLY "CORRECT"
WHEN SOMEONE ELSE CORRECTS IT?
ABOUT MYSELF?

PEOPLE ALREADY DECIDED?????
NOT TO LISTEN!!!!!!!!!! TO ME!

SO???? WHAT WAS THERE FOR ME TO SAY?
ANYTHING?

THAT WOULD HAVE "MADE SENSE" TO THEM?

SETTING THE RECORD STRAIGHT DOES WHAT?

GETS ME THE RESPECT I WOULD HAVE HAD?

IT WOULD MAKE ME LOOK "DEFENSIVE."
STAYING QUIET MAKES ME LOOK LIKE I HAVE 
SOMETHING TO HIDE.

EXCEPT I REALIZED:
IF I'M NOT GOING TO BE BELIEVED.....
IS THERE A POINT?

IN TRYING TO CONVINCE ANYONE?
OF THE TRUTH?

WHEN THEY DIDN'T SEEM TO CARE ABOUT IT?

OR ABOUT ME?

PEOPLE LOOK AT ONE THING
AND THINK THEY KNOW EVERYTHING.

WITHOUT ASKING ME ANYTHING.

BUGS ME.... BUT.... THEY DO THIS.

BUT......? WHAT DO THEY LOOK AT?
AND WHY THAT?
AND ONLY THAT?