That's Why

What are they going to? Make me sign an NDA?
TO NOT TELL THE TRUTH?!

"DON'T MAKE ME LOOK AS BAD....
AS I ACTUALLY AM!"

WELP...... DON'T BE AS BAD.....
AS YOU ACTUALLY ARE!!!!!!!

Makes sense! Right?

COULD HAVE NOT TRIED ME.... RIGHT?
BUT? WHAT?

Also..... If you happen to see my posts....
Online somewhere else.....

THAT MEANS SOMEONE IS TRYING TO COPY ME.

WOULD BE COOL IF YOU LET ME KNOW.
PLEASE.

Have very little faith in people who fk around.
THEY WILL FIND OUT......

BUT..... THEY STILL....
DIDN'T..... NEED TO.... FK AROUND.

NOT WITH ME.

AM I? NO.

BEEN MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS!
BEEN IN MY OWN LANE!

FOR THE LAST 12 YEARS.... RIGHT?

BORE FALSE WITNESS AGAINST ME!
WHY? I'm fairly SANE!
THAT'S WHY.

FAIRLY HEALTHY! MENTALLY!

ANY MITIGATION.... 
IS SELF-SERVING.
Manipulation!

Do I need anyone to SQUIRM? NO.
BUT...... WHEN PEOPLE DO SH*T........

AND I BECOME AWARE OF IT..... 

YEAH...... THEY CAN TRY TO MITIGATE.
BUT.... WILL THAT DO ANYTHING?

12 YEARS IS A LONG TIME TO WAIT TO TRY
TO MITIGATE!!!!! RIGHT?

FKN WEIRD SH*T.

There's more to it.... I know this.... 
But.... Whatever BS it is..... I don't want it.

Definitely didn't deserve this sh*t..... 

Just wish things had gone differently......
THEY DIDN'T.

THAT'S OKAY.

IT'S NOT LIKE I GET TO HAVE EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED.....
AS LONG AS I WANTED IT FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.....
GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

I can accept that things didn't go as I had wanted... 

I WAS UPSET..... BECAUSE CERTAIN BS THINGS....
WERE UNFAIR.... YEAH..... 

BUT ULTIMATELY...... 

"NOBODY OWES US OUR DESIRED OUTCOME!"

DID HE OWE ME A HAPPILY-EVER-AFTER? NO!

BUT THAT "HE'S UP TO SOMETHING" FEELING.....
KEEPS..... COMING.... UP.

MAYBE HE IS..... MAYBE HE'S NOT.....

BUT THAT FEELING...... KEEPS COMING UP.

And maybe that's why I have been feeling very unsettled. 
I don't like it. 

THAT FEELING MADE ME WANT TO KEEP AWAY!!!!!!!
FAR AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!

REMOVED FROM IT.

Like.... When something.... Seems out of the blue......
It's not.

SO THAT + HYPER-ALERT...... 
THAT GAVE ME THE WORST FEELING I'VE HAD IN A WHILE.

I GOT THAT FEELING FOR A REASON.
I HAVE TO LISTEN TO IT.

"DON'T WANT ME ANYMORE? YOU'RE TOXIC!"
FINE! I'M COOL WITH THAT.

I AM COOL WITH BEING "TOXIC"
FOR NOT WANTING BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Secure people are CONFIDENT.
INSECURE people are ruled by their EGO!

AND THEY DO BS THINGS!!!!!!!!!
BS EGOTISTICAL THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TO PEOPLE WHO DON'T FKN DESERVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND NEVER DID!!!!!!!!!!

But..... Now..... I am emotionally CHECKED OUT!

It was fkn SHOCKING AND JARRING.....
TO MY SOUL!!!!!!!!!!

Did it hurt? Initially....... 
DID IT P*SS ME OFF? INITIALLY!

BUT IS IT JUST.....
RUBBING ME THE WRONG WAY? YEAH.

SOMETHING LIKE THAT.....

THE ENERGY IS WAY OFF..... I CAN FEEL THAT SH*T.
IT FEELS VERY GROSS AND HEAVY.... 

LIKE A WET BLANKET ON FIRE....

IF THE BLANKET IS WET.... HOW IS IT BURNING?
I DON'T KNOW!

BUT THAT IS HOW THE ENERGY FEELS.
I DO NOT LIKE IT.

I FEEL IT..... INTENSELY... 

LIKE.... DID I NOT HAVE A RIGHT?
TO MOVE ON?
AFTER BEING DISCARDED? 

I THOUGHT I DID!!!!!!!!!
IMAGINE THAT?!

DID I? I THOUGHT I DID......
SO I TRIED TO DO THAT........
LIKE A SANE PERSON DOES.....
OR TRIES TO DO......
BECAUSE THEY KNOW THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO..... 

BECAUSE THAT IS THE "HEALTHY CHOICE." RIGHT?
CHOOSING YOURSELF?
WHEN SOMEONE DOESN'T CHOOSE YOU?

WHICH IS OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT TREATING SOMEONE LIKE SH*T........
ISN'T COOL!!!!!!!!!

RIGHT?

DID HE HAVE TO WANT ME? FK NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HE NEVER HAD TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT IS WHY I ACCEPTED HOW THINGS WENT..... 

WAS INSULTED AF..... BUT.... I ACCEPTED IT.
WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?

NOT ACCEPT IT?
ACT CRAZY?

AND IF SOMEONE IS TREATING ME LIKE SH*T......
WHY WOULD I WANT THEM AROUND ME?
OR ANYONE I CARE ABOUT?

WOULD I? FK NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CAPRICORNS HAVE THE WORST LOVE LIVES.
THE WORST!!!!!!!!!

WISH IT WAS NOT SO...... BUT? WHAT?

It would take realizing way too much
TO UNDERSTAND WHERE I WAS COMING FROM!
TO UNDERSTAND CERTAIN THINGS.... ABOUT ME.

IF I HAD TO WAIT FOR THAT.......
WHY WOULD I WANT TO WAIT 12+ YEARS?

OR THE REST OF MY LIFE......?
FOR HONESTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???? HMMM?

TO BE TREATED THE WAY I DESERVE?
HMMM?

Why would I? Would you? 
Probably not!

"You're toxic!" *BLOCK* OKAY! 

TWICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WILL SHE STILL BE P*SSED 12 YEARS LATER?
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I DON'T FORGET BS GAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BECAUSE BS GAMES.....
ARE BS GAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It felt insulting and infuriating.... 
At that time.... 

More so infuriating...
BECAUSE CERTAIN THINGS....

WERE INSULTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did he have to insult me to reject me? FK NO!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes..... People change......

BUT ONLY IF THEY LEARN!
AND..... IT'S NOT UP TO ME IF THEY DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I COULD BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE BY NOW.....
FOR ALL HE KNOWS..... RIGHT?

I DID DATE WITHIN THOSE 12 YEARS.....
WE ALL KNOW HOW THAT WORKED OUT....

NOT FOR A LONG TIME.....
I GOT TOO TURNED OFF.

TO FKN WANT TO BE WITH ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT..... I COULD BE..... AVAILABLE.....
FOR..... THE RIGHT..... PERSON.....

COULD BE....... BUT DO I WANT TO BE?
AVAILABLE EMOTIONALLY?

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I TRY THAT?
ANYTHING GOOD? NO?

GETS ME INSULTED..... PUSHED AWAY.....
EMOTIONALLY ABUSED.

GROSS.

THINKING ABOUT EVEN WANTING WHAT I DID WANT.....
MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE.

BECAUSE: WHY DID I WANT THAT?
WITH ANYONE?

AFTER EVERYTHING I HAVE BEEN THROUGH?
BEFORE AND AFTER THAT?

WHY DID I EVER THINK:
A***, YOU CAN BE LOVED AND RESPECTED.....
AND CARED FOR ONE DAY!

FAT FKN DREAM THAT WAS. EH?

BUT ADMITTING TO ANYTHING.....
IS LIKE "LOSING THE BATTLE" WITH ME.....
EVEN THOUGH..... IT SHOULDN'T BE A BATTLE!!!!!!!!!!!

NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN.
SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN TREATED LIKE THAT.

WAITING ME OUT..... IS BS.
OR TRYING TO.....
FKN EGOTISTICAL SH*T THAT IS. RIGHT?

"WHO'S GOING TO HOLD BACK THE MOST?"
"WHO'S GOING TO HIDE THEIR FEELINGS THE LONGEST?"

IT.... WAS..... NOT...... A COMPETITION..... OR..... A.... GAME.
IF SOMEONE WANTS TO STAY IN THEIR EGO AND BE THERE.
STAY THERE. THAT SH*T TURNS ME OFF!

IT K*LLS MY FEELINGS!
ALREADY HAS, ACTUALLY.

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M TRYING TO "STAND MY GROUND"
TO "NOT GIVE IN...."
OR SOME BS LIKE THAT......

THAT STUPID SH*T K*LLED MY FEELINGS FOR HIM!
OKAY? 

MAYBE THE INSULTS INSULTED ME TO THE POINT
THAT I ACTUALLY DO NOT GAF.

NOT PRETENDING NOT TO GAF.....
ACTUALLY DGAF.

TRYING TO MAKE ME JEALOUS.....
DOES NOTHING TO ME.

BECAUSE I DON'T GET JEALOUS.
I LAUGH..... AND TELL THEM TO P*SS OFF!

THERE ARE OTHER WAYS TO HAVE MY ATTENTION.....
LIKE TREATING ME PROPERLY!

WHICH HE REFUSED TO DO.

SO..... OKAY...... GO DO THAT SH*T.
WITH WHOEVER TF YOU WANT TO.

WHEN SOMEONE *BLOCKS* ME..... 
THEY SLAM THE DOOR IN THEIR FACE....
AND GET TO P*SS OFF.

MANIPULATION DOES NOT WORK.
GAMES DON'T WORK.
JEALOUSY SH*T DOESN'T WORK.

WHEN MY FEELINGS ARE GONE.....
SO AM I!!!!!!!!!!

THAT'S WHY I STAYED AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE..... THERE WAS.....
NO POINT!!!!!!!!

THAT'S WHY.

IF I AM NOT ON THE SAME PAGE AS SOMEONE.....
THEY CAN P*SS OFF!

THAT GOES FOR ANYONE!

BECAUSE WHO HAS TIME FOR GAMES?
WHO HAS PATIENCE FOR THAT?
WHO'S TURNED ON BY THAT?
ANYONE? NO?

LOOKS..... IMMATURE AF.....
BECAUSE IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT'S WHY.

Mitigation

In case you've been wondering how long someone can stay in denial....
It's at least 12 years! 

But..... IF YOU FEEL THE NEED TO TRY TO GASLIGHT SOMEONE.....
WHY?

Isn't that a question worth asking? Yes. I asked it.

Because..... Instead of trying to do that sh*t......
COULD HAVE JUST ADMITTED THE TRUTH.

JUST THAT.

I've been gaslit before......
THAT IS WHY IT DOES NOT WORK ON ME.
I SEE IT FOR WHAT IT IS.

It bugs me..... When people try that sh*t
BUT ALSO WHY THEY TRY THAT SH*T. 

BECAUSE THOSE REASONS ARE BS!

TRYING TO MAKE ME BELIEVE SOMETHING
ABOUT MYSELF THAT I KNOW IS NOT TRUE.....

IS BS.

I KNOW HOW I OPERATE. I KNOW WHY.
I KNOW MY INTENTIONS. MY FEELINGS.
MY WORTH. 

But.... One of the things.... That bothers me....
IS NOT BEING "ALLOWED"
TO BE CLOSE TO PEOPLE.....

I COULD HAVE BEEN CLOSE TO!

BECAUSE CERTAIN PEOPLE WERE "THREATENED" BY ME.
I WAS A "THREAT" TO SOMETHING THEY WANTED!

SO THEY "GET IN THERE"
AND THEY MAKE PEOPLE
WHO SHOULD ACTUALLY KNOW ME.....
THINK SH*T ABOUT ME THAT ISN'T TRUE!

"IF I CAN GET XYZ TO THINK XYZ ABOUT A***...."
I CAN TAKE HER PLACE!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE THING IS....... THEY WANTED..... WHAT I HAD.....
BECAUSE I HAD IT.

NOT BECAUSE THEY WANTED IT....
OR VALUED IT.....

OR WOULD HAVE APPRECIATED IT.....

BECAUSE..... IT WAS..... COMING MY WAY.

BUT...... AFTER 12 YEARS...... YOU'D THINK..... 
THAT I WOULD BE ALLOWED TO MOVE ON.....
RIGHT?

SINCE THEY DIDN'T FKN WANT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TREATED ME LIKE SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RIGHT?

HOW IS IT...... THAT YOU DISCARD SOMEONE.....
AND DON'T WANT THEM TO MOVE ON?

I ONLY REJECTED SOMEONE WHO REJECTED ME 12 YEARS AGO!
BECAUSE "SOMETHING BETTER MIGHT COME ALONG!"

I LET THEM GO! HELD A GRUDGE AGAINST ME......
FOR WHAT?
GIVING THEM WHAT THEY WANTED?
THEY WANTED TO BE "FREE OF ME."
THEY DID NOT WANT TO CHANGE OR GROW!
OR EVOLVE!

When people.... Want what I had....
OR COULD HAVE HAD.....

THEY PULL ALL KINDS OF SH*T!

THE THING IS..... I DON'T..... WANT WHAT OTHERS HAVE.
THERE IS NO REASON FOR ME TO TAKE ANYTHING
THAT DOES NOT BELONG TO ME.

WHY WOULD I WANT SOMEONE....
WHO WOULD ONLY WANT ME....
IF I HAD TO GO AGAINST SOMEONE ELSE?

Here's something.....

If someone is willing to betray someone WITH YOU......
THEY WILL BETRAY YOU, TOO!

I don't know why he'd try to come back 12 years later..... 
IT MADE ME FEEL HE WAS TRYING TO DO SOMETHING TO ME.
THAT I DID NOT WANT TO ALLOW HIM TO TRY TO DO.

THE GASLIGHTING WAS BS ENOUGH.

FELT LIKE HE WANTED TO TRY TO COME BACK
TO TRY TO HOLD ME BACK IN SOME WAY.

OR TRY TO GET SOMETHING FROM ME.

WHY WOULD I WANT TO GIVE HIM ANYTHING
YET ANOTHER CHANCE?

TO BE IN MY LIFE WHEN HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE!
IF HE WANTED TO BE.... HE'D STILL BE!!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE: I WAS LOYAL TO HIM.

I don't "need to chase" someone....
WHO ACTED...... LIKE I WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM!

NOW I AM? FK YOU!!!!!!!!! 
NO......... 

LIED ABOUT ME AND TO ME....
FALSE NARRATIVE ABOUT ME.... 

SO I GET TO SAY MY SIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ON HERE.

DGAF WHAT THEY THINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OR WHAT THEY SAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ABOUT ME.... WHY WOULD I?

BUT ANYONE WHO WANTS TO EAT UP LIES.....
CAN CHOKE ON THE TRUTH ABOUT ME.

AND ABOUT WHAT THEY DID TO ME......
AND ABOUT WHAT THEY WERE TRYING TO DO TO ME.

When something feels like a trap, it very well could be.
Right?

Doesn't mean it was..... But certain things.....
FEEL A CERTAIN WAY FOR A REASON.

I DON'T IGNORE THAT.

IGNORING THAT COULD COST ME.
I KNOW THIS.

I've overcome so much CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM TIRED OF HAVING TO OVERCOME THINGS!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, it makes me stronger...... BUT WTF??????!!!!!!!!!

WOW.... I just heard someone yelling for HELP outside....
Someone was getting attacked in the middle of the street....

On my street... Wild sh*t.

I yelled at them.... They took off. 

But wow!

LIKE 4 OR 5 DUDES ATTACKING ONE DUDE! WTF!???

--------------------------------------

How weird it was... To be approached 12 years later.....
Made me feel like I was being "stalked" online. 

LIKE I WASN'T JUST ALLOWED TO MOVE ON.

That is a weird feeling. 

WHY NOT LET ME GO.......?
SINCE YOU DIDN'T WANT ME?

WAS I STALKING HIM? 
WAS I LOOKING HIM UP?

SAYING FK ALL ABOUT HIM? NO?

WANTED ME TO SEEM "UNSTABLE"
AND "TOXIC"
AND "WHATEVER ELSE...."

"CRAZY"!!!!!!!!!!!!

AM I? MAYBE CRAZY PEOPLE DON'T MAKE SENSE!

MAYBE CRAZY PEOPLE..... DO CRAZY THINGS!

DO THEY MOVE ON WITH THEIR LIVES? NO!
BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO CRAZY TO DO THAT!

DO CRAZY PEOPLE HAVE INTEGRITY? NO!

BUT..... BELIEVE WHATEVER YOU WANT.....
ABOUT ME...... GO AHEAD!

MY WALLS GO UP FOR A REASON.
WHEN THEY DO....... 
THEY DO NOT COME DOWN.....
FOR ANYONE WHO PUT THEM UP.

WHY WOULD THEY?

AND EVERYONE WHO LOVES TALKING SH*T ABOUT ME....
FOR WHATEVER REASONS..... CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT..... WATCH WHAT WILL HAPPEN....
WHEN THEY DO!

THE TRUTH GETS EXPOSED WITHOUT ME
HAVING TO DO ANYTHING!!!!

IF THEY KNEW ABOUT ME.....
MAYBE..... THEY WOULDN'T...... HAVE TRIED ME!

BUT..... I LET PEOPLE THINK WHAT THEY WANT!!!!!!!!!
FOR A REASON......

BECAUSE WHAT THEY CHOOSE TO DO......
WHEN THEY THINK WHATEVER.....
IS STILL.....

WHAT THEY CHOSE TO DO.....

AND ANYONE...... WHO IS SECURE..... 
DOES NOT DO THAT SH*T.

1) THEY DO NOT WANT TO
2) THEY DO NOT HAVE TO
3) THEY KNOW THERE'S NOTHING TO GET FROM IT
4) ANYTHING ANYONE THINKS THEY COULD GET FROM IT.....
ISN'T WORTH IT TO A SECURE PERSON

Anyone trying to MAKE PEACE WITH ME.....
OR WHATEVER TF...... HAD THEIR CHANCE FOR THAT.

WHY NOW? MITIGATION. NOTHING ELSE.

HAD TO BE BAD..... FOR THEM TO WANT TO MITIGATE!
RIGHT?

Bait

I'll tell you about something.... 
Some people operate differently than I do.... 

Because.... Some people....
Actually are.... Toxic.

And they are.... Usually.... The ones....
WE DON'T EXPECT THEM TO BE.

THEY LOOK A LOT LIKE....
TROJAN HORSES.

AND THEY ARE....
"TOO GOOD" TO BE TRUE.

BECAUSE.... THEY OPERATE....
ON FALSE.... PRETENCES.... 

Because..... What they want.....
DOES NOT COME FROM.....
"GOOD INTENTIONS."

IT COMES FROM..... AN AGENDA!

These people seem to require "less."
THEY DON'T REQUIRE ACCOUNTABILITY!
OR ANYTHING CHALLENGING!
OR HEALTHY!

OR ANYTHING THAT REQUIRES "WORK"
OR "CHANGE."

THEY SUPPORT THE BS!

But.... They are..... Insidious.. 
Because they DO PLAY GAMES.
BEHIND YOUR BACK.....
AND TO YOUR FACE!!!!!!

WHETHER YOU NOTICE IT......
OR NOT.....

THEY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING.....
AND THEY HAVE REASONS TO DO IT.

The difference is.....
THAT IF I WAS TOXIC.....
I WOULD HAVE HAD AN AGENDA!
RIGHT? DID I HAVE ONE?
DID I WANT ANYTHING?

"WOW! I WANT THIS TO WORK!
THIS IS SO EASY!"

OKAY.... EASY UNTIL WHEN?
EASY.... WHY?

CHALLENGE.... ISN'T PRESSURE.
IT'S THE OPPORTUNITY....
TO LEVEL UP.

BUT.... IF THEY MADE IT EASY.....
MAYBE.... THEY WERE TAKING NOTES!

TO USE THINGS AGAINST THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HMMM!

Imagine giving someone like THAT access to you?

AND IF YOU DO..... YOU DID THAT.....

BECAUSE: IT WAS "TOO HARD"
TO JUST GROW UP!

AND JUST..... TREAT A*** BETTER!
AND JUST..... NOT.... TAKE.... A*** FOR GRANTED!

THEY ACTUALLY WANT CONTROL!
THEY DO SH*T.... TO TRY TO GET IT!

FAKE SH*T!

Watch what happens when you walk away....
OR TRY TO WALK AWAY..... 
FROM SOMEONE WHO CAN'T BE TRUSTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEY DO SH*T TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!
OR TRY TO....
DID I?

DID I TRY TO ACT JEALOUS?
DID I ACT OUT AT ALL?

OR.... DID I MOVE ON?

AND PEOPLE TRY TO WATCH ME......
BECAUSE...... I WAS....... A THREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TO THEIR POSITION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND THEY CAN..... IF THEY STILL THINK.....
I'M THE THREAT......

Because...... If I wanted to EMBARRASS HIM......
I'D TELL EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOT JUST WRITE ABOUT MY EXPERIENCES.....
I WOULD..... HAVE..... NAMED AND SHAMED HIM!
A LONG TIME AGO! DID I DO THAT? NO?

AM I NAMING HIM NOW? NO!
BECAUSE DO I NEED TO? NO!

DO I NEED TO DO ANYTHING TO HIM? NO!

IF I HAD AN AGENDA.....
I WOULD HAVE FED HIS INSECURITIES!
INSTEAD OF CHALLENGING THEM!!!!!!!
INSTEAD OF NOT EXPOSING THEM!!!!!!!!!!!

I WASN'T TRYING TO INSERT MYSELF.....
IN PLACES..... I DIDN'T BELONG!

I WASN'T TRYING TO GET "DIRT" ON HIM.
I WASN'T TRYING TO DRAG HIM THROUGH THE MUD!
I WASN'T SEEKING TO DO DAMAGE.... RIGHT?

I HAD 12 YEARS TO DO SOMETHING TO HIM...
IF I WANTED TO DO IT!!!!!!!!! RIGHT?

INSTEAD OF WALKING AWAY FROM BS?

WHAT I DID AFTER HE DID ME LIKE THAT....
SHOULD SAY A LOT ABOUT ME....
THAT MAYBE HE NEVER REALIZED.... 

BUT.... IT WASN'T ENOUGH....
TO MAKE HIM..... APPRECIATE ME.
OR WHAT I WAS ACTUALLY OFFERING.... 
WHO I ACTUALLY AM!!!!!!!!!!!
NOTHING ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT.... BAIT IS TEMPTING. RIGHT?
LIKE A WORM ON A HOOK?

YEAH! BUT..... THERE'S A HOOK!
A CATCH!

RIGHT?

I HAD TO GO THROUGH THIS.....
12 YEARS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND KEPT MY MOUTH MOSTLY SHUT ABOUT IT!
BECAUSE..... I JUST...... HAD TO..... DEAL WITH IT!

AND WHAT..... WOULD ANYONE......
DO....... WITH MY FEELINGS?

ANYTHING? NO?

THAT'S FOR ME TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT!
THAT'S WHY I MOVED ON!
WAS TRYING TO!
WAS DOING BETTER!

AND WHY DOES ANYONE GET TO SEE?
ANYTHING RAW ABOUT ME?
IF I DON'T NEED TO TELL THEM?

WHAT WOULD THEY DO WITH IT?
ANYTHING? NO?

It was for ME!!!!!!!!!!
TO DO SOMETHING WITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!

OKAY?

AND THAT WAS WHAT I WAS DOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND WILL CONTINUE TO DO!!!!!!!

WITHOUT ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND I AM OKAY WITH THAT!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE I WOULD RATHER BE ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAN GIVE ANYONE ANYTHING ABOUT ME....

THAT'S WHY THIS IS "ANONYMOUS."

BECAUSE: IT'S NOT ABOUT VALIDATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OR VICTORY!!!!!!!!!!!

IT'S ABOUT BEING FREE FROM THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!
FINALLY..... 

AND BEING WORTH MORE TO MYSELF......
THAN I AM TO PEOPLE
I NEVER MATTERED TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND NOBODY'S "LOVE"
OR VALIDATION.... OR ANYTHING.......

IS ANYTHING.... I ACTUALLY "NEEDED."

BECAUSE..... I AM OKAY!!!!!!!
WITHOUT IT!!!!!!!!

BUT..... GIVING AS MUCH AS I CAN.....
TO EVERYONE.....

AND GETTING SH*T ON......

DOES NOT WORK FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOT THIS VERSION OF ME.

Any Guesses?

Maybe I keep writing about this....
Because there might be some things in these posts....
That are worth thinking about....

Because.... Maybe they can be applied to other situations...

Someone once told me that something I wrote...
EARNED THEM A DINNER.

Just sharing something I said that "made sense."
That they thought might help someone... I don't know.

I know some people actually read my posts... 

Whether they think about what I write....
Was never up to me.

BUT IT REALLY SURPRISED ME....
THAT WHATEVER I HAD SAID....

WAS WORTH REMEMBERING...
AND TELLING SOMEONE ELSE.

THAT.... MADE..... MY STRUGGLE.....
AND PAIN.....
WORTH..... SO MUCH....
TO ME.

BECAUSE.... IT BECAME.... PRACTICAL.

I think about that.... From time to time... 
IT REALLY TOUCHED ME 
IN ONE OF THE BEST WAYS....
EVER.

It made me.... Not want to hide so much anymore... 
It made me.... Feel.... LIKE SOMEONE.... HEARD ME.

THANK YOU. 

I'd probably would have kept writing... Just to write... 
Because that is how.... I process things... 
It has really helped me over the years... 

Maybe some things.... Help other people, too. 

IF IT DOES.... THAT MATTERS TO ME, TOO.

If things I have learned.... And come to terms with.....
If any of it helps, that's for whoever it helps.

If it even helps with another perspective... 

BUT.... HERE IS SOMETHING....
HOW SOMEONE CAN TREAT ME....
THEY COULD TREAT SOMEONE ELSE.

AND OTHER PEOPLE WILL SEE THAT.

IF SOMEONE TREATS ME LIKE CRAP....
REGARDLESS OF THE REASON.....
WHEN I DID NOT DESERVE IT..... 
WHEN IT WAS UNFAIR TO ME......

THEY CAN DO THAT TO SOMEONE ELSE!!!!!!!!!!
PEOPLE SEE THAT. 

But... Not only do they see that....
THEY KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.
AND WHAT IT SAYS.
ABOUT THEM.

People can be mad at me....
FOR CALLING THEM OUT!

BUT.... WHY DID I HAVE TO?
WOULD I, UNLESS I HAD TO?

DID I WANT TO???? NO?

IF I WASN'T "GOOD ENOUGH."
THEN HAVE WHAT YOU CHOSE!

I WANT TO JUST BE "GOOD ENOUGH"
FOR MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OKAY?

WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE "GOOD ENOUGH"
FOR SOMEONE WHO TRIED TO MAKE ME FEEL....
LIKE I WASN'T?

Shouldn't be HARD to TALK! RIGHT?

IF IT IS TOO HARD TO HAVE AN HONEST CONVO.....
WTF IS THE POINT!? IS THERE ONE?

DO I WANT TO CONSTANTLY FIGHT TO HAVE ONE? NO?

WHY WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT??????
WHEN I COULD JUST FKN TALK!!!!!!?????????????

AND MAKE PROGRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!
WITH SOMEONE.....
WHO WANTS PROGRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHO WANTS THE SAME THINGS AS I DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WITH THE SAME INTENTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY BE ANGRY AT ME FOR SEEING MY WORTH??????????
MANY PEOPLE COULD HAVE WHEN I WAS RIGHT THERE!

ANGRY THAT I AM OKAY WITH MYSELF?
CAN'T BE PLAYED WITH ANYMORE....

WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE PLAYED WITH?
DID HE WANT TO BE PLAYED WITH? NO?
WAS I PLAYING? NO?

P*SSED OFF BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT TO REPEAT BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOULD THEY? PROBABLY NOT!

DID I CARE ABOUT HIM? YES!
OR WOULD I HAVE BOTHERED? NO!

HOW IS IT THAT I BROKE "HIS HEART"
BY NOT WANTING TO REPEAT THE SAME SH*T?

WOULD IT NOT BE UNDERSTANDABLE?
WOULD HE WANT TO?

PROBABLY NOT!

MAYBE.... OUR PATHS WILL CROSS ONE DAY.....
AND MAYBE.... HE WILL ADMIT TO THINGS.....

BUT DO I NEED THAT FROM HIM? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DO I NEED ANYTHING FROM HIM? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DO I WANT ANYTHING FROM HIM? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE: I AM OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HAVE BEEN OKAY FOR 12 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had to struggle ALONE! RIGHT?
So why would being ALONE bother me?

IF I WAS PUT THERE, I WAS PUT THERE!
RIGHT?

BUT.... I DON'T HAVE TO STAY THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ON THE SHELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WAITING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FOR BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The guys who EXPECT THAT FROM ME......
ARE FOOLISH.

AND NOT ATTRACTIVE TO ME.

WHY WOULD FOOLISHNESS LOOK ATTRACTIVE?

MAYBE: "THIS IS WHAT I HAVE LEARNED...."
LOOKS MORE ATTRACTIVE TO ME.

MAYBE: "THIS IS THE CONVO YOU WANTED AND NEEDED FROM ME..."
LOOKS ATTRACTIVE TO ME.

NOT.... MORE.... BS.
GROSS.

BUT.... TRYING TO AFFECT MY DIGNITY.....
IS SOMETHING ELSE.

NOBODY GETS TO DO THAT SH*T.....

AND THINKS..... I WANT TO.....
RECONNECT AND GIVE ACCESS TO ME.

AFTER THAT CRAP.

And.... I could expose him completely.... 
BUT.... MY EXPERIENCE OF THE CHOICES....
TO HURT ME... 
REPEATEDLY.... 

AND INTENTIONALLY.... 
DELIBERATELY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT SAYS THINGS ABOUT THEM.
CHOOSING TO DO THOSE THINGS.

PEOPLE SEE IT.

I AM ALLOWED TO TELL THE TRUTH!
REGARDLESS OF "MINIMIZING."

IF SOMEONE IS RUINING SOMETHING
INTENTIONALLY.... 

THAT IS INTENTIONAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU CAN'T MINIMIZE THAT.

MINIMIZING IS NOT HONESTY!
IT'S DEFLECTION!

DEFLECTION......
IS ABOUT TRYING TO BLAME ME.....
FOR SH*T THAT WAS NOT MY FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IMAGINE THAT?

BEING ON THE RECEIVING END OF THAT........
SUCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

IT WASN'T A "MISTAKE."
IT WAS A CHOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LIKE HOW MIRROR SMASHER DID ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT WAS A CHOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOMEONE WHO WOULD CHOOSE TO HURT ME.....
ON PURPOSE....... 
AND CHOSE THAT......

IS NOT SOMEONE I WANT TO TRUST.....
EVEN 12 YEARS LATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It wasn't just THE DAMAGE DONE.....
IT WAS HAVING TO LIVE WITH THAT.....
AND HAVING TO "SUFFER" IN SILENCE......

LIKE THAT SH*T WAS FAIR.....
IT WASN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone who PRIVATELY treats someone LIKE SH*T......
PUBLICLY HAS ANOTHER PERSONA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I WOULD NEVER!"

YES...... YOU DID.....
PRIVATELY.....

SO YOU COULD DENY IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TO EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TO MAKE YOURSELF LOOK THE WAY
I THOUGHT YOU WERE!

IF HE DID IT PUBLICLY..... 
PEOPLE..... WOULD BE LIKE.... WTF????????

IF HE'S LIKE THAT TO HER.....
HE'S LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND COULD BE TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RIGHT?

So..... If you want a stellar reputation.....
DON'T DO THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!

BE THE SAME.....
PUBLICLY.....
AND.....
PRIVATELY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALL THE INFO THAT WAS NOT ADMITTED TO......
WAS A NARRATIVE ABOUT ME.....

THAT WAS NOT ENTIRELY CORRECT.

RIGHT?

IF SOMEONE IS NOT GOING TO BE HONEST
ENOUGH TO ADMIT CERTAIN THINGS.....

IS THE NARRATIVE CORRECT? NO?

BUT.... WHY WOULD I NOT WANT TO RETURN TO THAT?

ANY GUESSES?