Rethink That

The other night, someone told me that he wants to date me. 
Someone I met and hung out with a few times. As a friend. 
We've had a few chats here and there.
I've been doing 

He's a young guy. Older than my son, barely.
Someone I would be a friend to. 
I have been approached by a few younger guys.
Probably because I look kinda younger than my actual age.
And this guy said that he thinks I have a young heart.

He said he wanted romantic dates with me and all of that.
Do you know how long it's been since I've been on a date?

A guy tried to dance with me.
Because I COULDN'T, 
HE SAYS.... "YOU'RE NOT USED TO THIS..."
NO SH*T!
HAS ANY GUY DANCED WITH ME?
ANY GUY I DATED?
DID THEY WANT TO?
FOR ME?
NO!

I'M 42! 
AT THIS POINT MY FIRST ACTUAL DANCE
MIGHT BE AT MY WEDDING, 
IF I HAVE ONE.
I DON'T WANT TO TRY TO DATE ANYMORE.

I HAVE NOT FELT COMFORTABLE AROUND MANY.
BECAUSE AS SOON AS THEY WANT XYZ FROM ME, 
I FEEL THAT. 

I FEEL THAT AND I DON'T GET TO EVEN WANT
TO NOT FEEL THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's hard to let someone else LEAD.
BECAUSE I'VE HAD TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!

I DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO GET BACK ON THE BUS.
IT TOOK 6.5 HOURS TO WALK HOME.

FROM KANATA. FKN H@TE KANATA.

It was nice to get away from here for the night, though.

But it disappointed me that he was DRINKING.
BEING WITH SOMEONE WHO IS DRUNK
FEELS A LOT LIKE BABYSITTING,

ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE SO DRUNK
THEY ARE FALLING.

I USED TO LAUGH AT MYSELF
FOR BEING THAT DRUNK AND FALLING.
I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY.

IT'S NOT. IT SHOULD BE EMBARRASSING.

And even though I told the guy that I wasn't ready to hook up....
HE KEPT ASKING ME! 
IF I TELL YOU ONE FKN TIME
THAT I'M NOT READY.... I'M NOT!
ASKING ME A BILLION FKN TIMES
TURNS ME OFF.

IT MEANS YOU WEREN'T FKN LISTENING.
WHEN I FKN SAID IT THE FIRST TIME,

AND I SHOULD ONLY SAY IT ONCE.
I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO ONLY SAY IT ONCE. 

LIKE THEY SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO ONLY SAY IT ONCE.

DO I WANNA FK SOMEONE WHO IS DRUNK?
DO I WANT SLOPPY SEX AFTER 4 YEARS WITHOUT?

IT'S BEEN THE SAME TIME FOR HIM, TOO, 
BUT I CAN FKN WAIT FOR BETTER TIMING FFS.

DOES IT HAVE TO MATTER SO MUCH TO ME
THAT I WANT IT RIGHT THEN AND THERE?
AND EXPECT TO BE GIVEN WHAT I WANT
IF I ASK A BILLION FKN TIMES?!

I received an apology. 

What bothered me is I was told I was making a scene.
Because I got pushed to the point that I was very close
TO GETTING PISSED OFF.

BECAUSE WHAT I WANTED WAS SOMETHING SIMPLE.
I WANTED TO ONLY FKN SAY IT ONCE.
NOT HAVE TO FKN SAY IT A BILLION FKN TIMES.

AND IF YOU GET "NOT YET"
THAT'S NOT THE SAME THING AS NO!

BECAUSE I COULD HAVE FKN SAID HELL FKN NO!
RIGHT?

IF YOU ARE TURNING ME OFF BY THE WAY YOU ARE ACTING, 
AND I KNOW YOU CAN ACT BETTER THAN THAT, 
THAN MAYBE I'LL GIVE YOU SOME TIME
TO FKN WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BUT THAT IS UP TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Because I wanted a few gestures. Just that. 
LIKE DOING WHAT YOU SAY YOU WILL DO, FOR ME.

MEET ME HALF WAY
IF YOU CAN'T MEET ME THERE!

BUT I'M THE ONE GOING ALL THE WAY, 
ALL THE TIME, ON MY OWN, 
AND EXPECTED TO DO THAT, 
AND EXPECTED TO WANT TO HOOK UP
AFTER THAT?

MAYBE IF YOU HAD MET ME THERE!
MET ME HALF WAY!
SHOWN UP!
LIKE YOU SAID YOU WOULD!

YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I'VE BEEN LET DOWN?
LIKE THAT?

SURE, IT'S A "LITTLE THING,"
BUT THOSE THINGS FKN MATTER TO ME,

AND THEY MATTER FOR A REASON.
THEY MATTER BECAUSE IT SAYS:
"I CARE ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL, TOO."
"I CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT, TOO."
"I SEE THAT ALL YOU WANT IS TO BE TREATED PROPERLY."
"BETTER THAN YOU EVER HAVE BEEN."
"YOU WANT ME TO JUST BE MATURE ENOUGH TO SHOW UP FOR YOU."
"THE WAY YOU WOULD SHOW UP FOR ME."
"BY DOING CERTAIN THINGS AND NOT DOING CERTAIN THINGS."
"BY KEEPING IT SIMPLE."

It says a lot. Actually, it says more than just that, but it does say that.

But I blame myself because the ATTENTION before this
FELT NICE. I LET IT FEEL NICE.
I LET IT!

AND I ESCALATED. 
THAT WAS MY FAULT. 

I TOLD HIM THAT!
I TOOK THE BLAME FOR THAT!

IF I HADN'T, WOULD HE BEEN EXPECTING IT FROM ME?
EVEN THOUGH I HAD, WHY EXPECT IT?

SHOULDN'T I BE ALLOWED TO JUST CHOOSE TO DO IT?
IF I WANTED TO?

BEING EXPECTED TO BOTHERS ME. IT DOES.
BEING PRESSURED TO BOTHERS ME. IT DOES.
IT BOTHERS ME TO THE POINT THAT IT TURNS ME OFF.
AND VERY HARD TO TURN ME ON AGAIN AFTER THAT.

BECAUSE I REMEMBER IT, PHYSICALLY IN MY BODY.
MY BODY REMEMBERS HOW IT FELT
WHEN I FELT STUCK HAVING TO REPEAT MYSELF
AFTER THE FIRST TIME
I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ALLOWED TO CHOOSE MY RESPONSE
TO SOMEONE ELSE'S DESIRES AND EXPECTATIONS.

SOMEONE WHO WON'T CONSIDER MY DESIRES
AND MY EXPECTATIONS.

I WAS EXPECTING TO JUST CHILL.
NOT THE SAME AS SOMEONE ELSE EXPECTING TO HOOK UP.

THE ASKING WAS RELENTLESS BECAUSE I WAS SUPPOSED TO CAVE.
AND JUST SAY YES,
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT WAS EXPECTED OF ME,

HAD I SAID YES, THEY'D KEEP DOING IT.
JUST TO GET WHAT THEY WANTED ALL THE TIME
REGARDLESS OF WHAT I WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO IF YOU WILL DISREGARD WHAT I WANT....
WHICH IS TO FEEL COMFORTABLE AROUND SOMEONE FIRST....
WITHOUT THEM EXPECTING ME TO JUST FKN SAY YES
AFTER THE 100TH TIME BEING ASKED
FOR THE SAME THING
I FKN ALREADY SAID THAT I WASN'T FKN READY FOR... 

AND NOW, MY BODY'S NOT GOING TO BE READY.
FOR A LONG TIME.
BECAUSE HOW THAT FELT REALLY FKN SUCKED.
AND THAT FEELING IS A STORED MEMORY NOW.

I wasn't going to write about it. 
I didn't give details. 
No names, nothing to identify, 

IT WAS JUST TO MAKE A POINT FOR EVERYONE.

IF YOU EXPECT A GIRL TO CAVE AND SAY YES....
AND IF YOU'RE GOING TO ASK RELENTLESSLY
UNTIL SHE GETS PISSED OFF ABOUT IT...
AND THEN TELL HER SHE IS MAKING A SCENE....

SHE HAS A RIGHT TO WALK OUT THE DOOR
AND NOT FKN LOOK BACK!

EVEN IF SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH YOU BEFORE THIS!

LET HER FKN FEEL COMFORTABLE AROUND YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THEN SHE MIGHT WANT TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SAFETY IS SEXY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FEELING SAFE AND RESPECT CALMS THE NERVES.

BEING ASKED RELENTLESSLY AFTER THE FIRST TIME
YOU SAID YOU WOULD RATHER NOT... 
NOT YET....................................
NOT WHEN SOMEONE IS DRUNK..................................
NOT WHEN SOMEONE IS STILL ASKING AFTER THE FIRST RESPONSE.
NOT WHEN SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN ALLOWED
TO JUST ANSWER ONCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOT YET DOESN'T MEAN MAYBE IF YOU ASK ME 10 MINUTES FROM NOW.

IT MEANS LET ME FEEL FKN COMFORTABLE AROUND YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU DON'T WANT A P*TTY FK, JUST TO FK.
IF YOU DO, THAT'S NOT THE SAME THING I WANT, 
SO IT'S NOT GOING TO "FEEL GOOD" TO ME.

WHY WOULD I WANT TO FK, 
IF I KNOW IT WON'T "FEEL GOOD" TO ME?
IF I'M ALREADY DISAPPOINTED... 
IF I'M STILL TRYING TO FKN GET TO KNOW YOU....
IF I JUST FKN MET YOU.... 

WHY WOULD I WANT TO FK JUST TO FK?
WOULDN'T I WANT TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT?
ABOUT THE PERSON I'M CHOOSING TO FK?

BUT ASKING ME A BILLION TIMES....
IS FKING MANIPULATION. 

I DON'T APPRECIATE ANYONE TRYING TO FKN MANIPULATE ME.
IT FKN HONESTLY P*SSES ME OFF.

LET ME FKN CHOOSE TO, WANT TO. THAT'S IT.
IF I DO, I FKN WILL! 

IT'S NOT THAT I WAS TRYING TO HURT HIS FEELINGS
BY NOT BEING FKN READY YET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT TAKES ME A WHILE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IT TAKES NOT FKN TRYING TO MANIPULATE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IT TAKES A MATURITY MOST DUDES DON'T FKN HAVE.

IT TAKES FKN RESPECTING ME.
AND SHOWING ME YOU RESPECT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BY MEETING ME THERE!

And meeting me there is a METAPHOR!
IT APPLIES TO MANY THINGS!

IF I WANTED TO FK, THEY'D KNOW IT!
THEY WOULDN'T FKN BE ASKING ME A BILLION TIMES!

SURE, I CAN BE PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE, 
AND IF THERE IS SOMETHING ELSE
THAT IS NOT JIVING, IT'S GAME OFF.

I HAVE LEARNED THAT IF SOMETHING DOES NOT JIVE....
IT'S FOR A REASON AND NO ATTRACTION
IS GOING TO MAKE IT JIVE WITH ME.
IF IT DOESN'T, IT DOESN'T.

AND BESIDES THAT, YOUNG GUYS....
SHOULD GET THE CHANCE TO HAVE A FAMILY OF THEIR OWN.
I'M 42, I DON'T THINK I'LL BE HAVING ANY MORE BABIES.

SHOULDN'T A GUY IN HIS 20S, OR 30S
GET TO HAVE A FAMILY? KIDS?
BE A DAD?

THE GUY I GAVE A CHILD TO, COULD HAVE DONE BETTER!
AT BEING A PARTNER! A FATHER!

I'M TOO DEEP TO WANT SOMEONE ON ATTRACTION ANYMORE.
I DID THAT. LOOK WHAT I GOT FROM IT.

BUT WHAT I DID GET FROM IT IS AN INTELLIGENT SON.
HE'S BEING MORE CONSIDERATE NOW, THAN HE WAS.
MAYBE BECAUSE HE SEES ME BEING CONSIDERATE TOO.
SEES ME TRYING AS HARD AS I HAVE BEEN.
SEES ME SHOWING UP FOR HIM.
EVEN WHEN IT HAS BEEN REALLY HARD FOR ME.

EVEN WHEN I NEEDED HIM TO SHOW UP FOR ME, 
AND HE WASN'T.
AND MY BODY REMEMBERS EVERY PART OF THAT, STILL.

HE LIKELY REMEMBERS THE THINGS COMING FROM ME, TOO.
AS EMOTIONALLY IMBALANCED AS I WAS....
STILL TRYING TO BALANCE MYSELF OUT...

BUT... Anyway, I have stuff to do.

Just Say It

I can understand if someone is UNSURE. SAY IT.
Have I been UNSURE? YES!
Have I been quick to judge? Yes.

But.... I've had fingers pointed at me
that should have been pointed
AT THEMSELVES!

IF YOU DON'T KNOW ME, 
WHAT FKN FINGERS 
DO YOU HAVE TO POINT AT ME?
ANY?

OR DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE SOMETHING UP?
A REASON TO "HATE" ME?

OR RUN WITH ANY "REASON"
GIVEN TO YOU BY ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ANYONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ANYONE CAN SAY FKN ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BUT BELIEVE ALL THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you do, stand on that! 
Didn't ask me about it, right?

Assumed lies were true, right?

Imagine getting LIED ABOUT
AND PEOPLE WHO ARE BEING LIED TO.....
ABOUT YOU....
BELIEVING IT.....
AND TREATING YOU LIKE CRAP!

The last time, though.....
It's like "why can't anyone REALLY see me?"
Because if they could, WOULD THEY TREAT ME LIKE THAT?

WOULD THEY?

HOW CAN THEY BE LIKE: "YOU'RE A GOOD PERSON
AND THEN.... BE LIKE THAT?"

KNOW ME WELL ENOUGH TO BE LIKE: 
"YOU'RE A GOOD PERSON"
YET YOU'D DO ME LIKE THAT?
AND KEEP DOING ME LIKE THAT?

AND WHEN I THINK:
THE NEXT GUY....
WON'T DO THE SAME FKN THING....
BUT.... YET.... THEY FKN DO!

SO WHY BOTHER?

FKN STINGS, BUT IT'S MORE THE FKN POTENTIAL
THAT I GRIEVE MORE THAN ANYTHING.

BECAUSE I KNOW IT'S FKN THERE!

MAKES IT FKN STING!

BUT JUST BECAUSE THE POTENTIAL WAS THERE, 
DOESN'T MEAN IT WAS GOING TO EVER....
BE FKN ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can't expect anything to be fkn anything....
ESPECIALLY THESE FKN DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FFS!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT WISHFUL THINKING IS ON MY END.
I'M AT FAULT FOR THAT.

EVEN IF I'M ONLY THINKING:
"MAYBE HE WILL SEE ME! FOR ME!"
"MAYBE THIS WILL BE FKN MUTUAL!!!!!!!!!!!"
FFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HOPED!!!!!!!!!!!! FOR A LONG TIME!!!!!!!!! BUT????????
SHOULD I ANYMORE?

Wishing and hoping is fkn EXHAUSTING! 
WHY DO IT? 

JUST BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT I'D HOPE FOR?
JUST BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT I'D WISH FOR?

JUST BECAUSE IT'S BEEN SO DAMN LONG
SINCE I WAS ALLOWED TO FKN HOPE?
FOR ANYTHING?
REAL?

FFS?

PATIENCE DOES NOT = PROMISES! 

BEING A "GOOD PERSON" MEANS WHAT?
IF "GOOD PEOPLE" DON'T GET TO EVER FKN WANT ANYTHING?
EVEN BASIC FKN HONESTY?
CLARITY?
FKN ANYTHING?
FK!

IF I WANTED BS, WOULD I GET THAT?
SINCE I CAN'T GET WHAT I "WANT"?

Like.... Is the reason I'm getting BS because
I DON'T WANT THIS SH*T?

If that is the reason.... Y'know?

But sometimes a person gets TIRED
OF CARING THIS MUCH FKN PAIN.

CAN I TAKE MORE?
BECAUSE I FEEL MORE ON THE HORIZON FFS.

WHY HOPE?

JUST HOPE IT WON'T HURT SO BAD....
BUT IT WILL STING AT THE VERY LEAST.... RIGHT?

If I'm Not Seen, I'm Gone

If you know, I used to wait and wait and wait.
FOR PEOPLE TO MAKE UP THEIR MINDS ABOUT ME.
FOR THEM TO WANT TO GET TO KNOW ME.
AS A PERSON.

IF THEY HAVE A LONG TIME...
WHERE THEY COULD HAVE TALKED TO ME
AND COULD HAVE HUNG OUT WITH ME,
BUT CHOSE NOT TO....
TO PUT ME ON THE SHELF FOR "LATER,"

IF THEY ACT LIKE A POS WHEN I SAY I'M NOT GOOD WITH THAT, 
THEN I CAN LEAVE.

I don't have to wait and keep waiting.
JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE GOT MAD
THAT I DON'T FKN WANT TO WAIT ANYMORE!

FOR BASIC HONESTY?
IF I HAVE TO WAIT FOR THAT?!
WHY WOULD I WANT TO?

IF YOU CAN'T SEE WHY YOU SHOULD BE HONEST, 
THEN FK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I invited him to go to the show with me
HE COULD HAVE TOLD ME YES OR NO.
HE LEFT ME HANGING.

THEN I SAID I DON'T NEED ANY FAKE FRIENDS...
HE FLIPS ON A FKN DIME!

DO I? DO NEED FAKE FRIENDS?
THEN HE FKN UNFRIENDED ME.

THEN HE INSULTED ME.

THEN I TOLD HIM HE SHOULD CHANGE HIS FB STATUS!
NO MIXED MESSAGES FOR ANYONE ELSE!
WHY SHOULD OTHER GIRLS THINK HE IS SINGLE?
WHEN HE TOLD ME HE FKN ISN'T????????????????

THEN HE WENT OFF ON ME FOR TELLING HIM
TO JUST BE FKN HONEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT HE ISN'T FKN SINGLE IF HE FKN ISN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND I AM GLAD THAT HE TOLD ME INSTEAD OF GOING TO
THE SHOW WITH ME!

I WOULDN'T WANT TO GO WITH SOMEONE'S BF!
AND NOT KNOWING WOULD MAKE IT WORSE!!!!!!!!!

SO HE TOLD ME I'M PLAYING "THE VICTIM!"
BECAUSE????? HE WAS BEING FKN UNFAIR???????????
AND GOT MAD THAT I LOST INTEREST??????
AM I SUPPOSED TO BE FKN INTERESTED IN THAT?

THAT'S LIKE MIRROR SMASHER
WAITING TO FKN HAPPEN
ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY WOULD I DO THAT SH*T AGAIN?

Hard One To Write

If you've read my really old stuff.... 
This might make some sense.

Because you'd know where I was at...
Emotionally, for a long time... 

Especially when it came to the life I wish I got to live.... 
Not that I was OWED by anyone.... 

It's grief-related. 
One of my good friends died a couple of months ago.
I went to his celebration of life last Monday.
I didn't know if I was even going to get to go to it.

I did get to go to it! 

Still kind of processing.... 
He died. He's dead.
He bled out.
He had an accident with his ATV....
It punctured his artery.... He's gone.

It wasn't even a month after his 49th birthday....

He's been accident-prone.... Very.... 
That was the bane of his existence.
It was his death.... 

I'm sad that my friend is gone.... 
I'm sad about how he died....
I'm sad for his family.... 
Especially his nieces and nephews... 
And his sisters.

I feel very numb. Exhausted on many levels... 
Yes, LOSS, but it's also
A LIFE I NEVER GOT TO LIVE.

AND THAT PART HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM.

IT HAS TO DO WITH CARING AND WANTING SOMETHING
THAT USED TO MEAN SO MUCH TO ME... 

MAYBE IN SOME WAYS, IT STILL DOES, 
BUT I'M VERY TIRED.

NOT JUST BECAUSE I HAVEN'T SLEPT YET.
I FEEL TIRED IN MY SOUL.
FOR REAL.
IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE THAT WILL GO AWAY.
I WISH IT WOULD!

I wish I could just feel better about how my life turned out.
It could have been worse, I guess.

It really could be worse!
Deeply, honestly, I know this!

If the worst that happens is that I don't ever get married....
Or go on a date....
Or have that partnership that would be ideal for me.... 
If that's the worst.... Is that so bad?

Lots of people never get married.
It's not like I'm the only one who won't ever get married, right?

EVEN IF IT FEELS LIKE THAT SOMETIMES!

EVEN IF THE FEELINGS THAT I WISH WOULD GO TF AWAY.....
ARE STILL THERE....
DECADES LATER... 

WHEN THEY SHOULD HAVE JUST.... ENDED.

BECAUSE.... AFTER EVERYTHING....
WHY DOES THAT STUPID PART OF ME.....
STILL FKN WANT THAT? WHY?

I KNOW THAT IT'S NOT GOING TO JUST BE....
"INSTANT HAPPINESS."
THE "HONEYMOON PHASE" ENDS AT SOME POINT.

Part of me wants to just go STRONG AND HARD FOR MYSELF, 
FOR MY LIFE, MY FUTURE.... ALL OF THOSE POWER MOVES....

But I feel fkn SAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not angry, not bitter, just fkn SAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Should I feel SAD about being single? Fk no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Being single is so much better than being with the wrong person!

I KNOW THIS!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IT'S SO FKN TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALSO, WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE WITH ANYONE....
WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH ME?

WHO DOES NOT EVEN FKN TRY?

I TRIED! FOR TOO LONG! I STOPPED!
NO POINT IN CONTINUING.

WHY WOULD I?
IT'D BE ANOTHER ONE-SIDED THING
THAT I'D ALSO HAVE TO GRIEVE.

SO WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

JUST TO DO IT?
JUST TO WASTE MORE TIME?
JUST TO KEEP WANTING SOMETHING
THAT APPARENTLY I CAN'T SEEM TO HAVE?
WILL I EVER HAVE ANYTHING EVEN CLOSE?

WHY AM I EVEN ASKING IF I EVER WILL?
DOES THAT EVEN MATTER?

SHOULD IT HAVE MATTERED AS MUCH AS IT DID?
EVEN AS MUCH AS IT SOMETIMES STILL DOES?

Because it's not an ALL-THE-TIME feeling like it used to be.
It's more of a grief that visits and overstays its welcome.... 
Repeatedly and unannounced... 

Not all the time..... Not every day.... 
Sometimes I feel OKAY.
ABOUT BEING SINGLE.
ABOUT BEING..... NOT MARRIED....
NOT "IN LOVE."

EVEN ABOUT THE TIMES I WAS TAKEN FOR GRANTED!
BEEN HEALING ALL OF THAT.... OR SO I THOUGHT....
UNTIL IT..... POPS UP.

AGAIN. AND STAYS.... LINGERS....
UNTIL IT FKN GOES AWAY, AGAIN, FOR A WHILE.
I HATE HAVING TO FEEL IT, 
I HATE HAVING TO DEAL WITH IT.
I HATE HAVING TO PICK MY LIFE UP.... 
MYSELF UP.... FROM THIS.... STILL.

It's not that I'm desperate for "love."
I HAVE BEEN SINGLE FOR FKN 11 YEARS!

BEFORE THAT, IT WASN'T AS LONG, 
BUT IT WAS STILL A LONG TIME.