It Feels Like This....

It feels like I'm not supposed to be allowed....
TO HAVE OR EXPRESS ANY EMOTIONS!
TO TELL THE BRUTAL TRUTH!
TO MOVE ON!
TO BE IN MY OWN LANE!
TO TRUST PEOPLE!

GETTING OVER IT MAKES HIM LOOK A TYPE OF WAY.
THAT'S WHY.

IT HAD TO DO WITH HOW HE LOOKS.
NOT BECAUSE HE MAGICALLY CARED.

HE KEPT INSULTING ME...
TO TRY TO DRAG ME DOWN.

BECAUSE HE KNEW THAT WHEN I GOT MY SH*T TOGETHER...
I WOULD RISE UP.

WHY WOULD HE WANT THAT?
IF I WAS DOING BETTER WITHOUT HIM....
THEN I WASN'T THE PROBLEM. RIGHT?

TRYING TO "CONTROL" ME BY BLOCKING ME LOL.
MAYBE TRY TO "CONTROL" YOURSELF. NOT ME.

WANTED ACCESS TO ME.... FOR A REASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I WAS SUPPOSED TO IGNORE THAT???????????? NO.

PUSHED EVERYONE AWAY? THEN WANT ME AFTER THAT?
ALREADY PUSHED ME AWAY!

ALREADY GHOSTED ME! "DEAD TO YOU."


But... WHY DID HE WANT ACCESS TO ME AFTER 12 YEARS???!!!
THERE WAS A REASON!
I DON'T HAVE TO IGNORE THAT OR TRUST IT!
RIGHT? 

BECAUSE IT WAS ANOTHER POWER TRIP FFS.
TRYING TO HAVE SOME SORT OF CONTROL OVER ME....

"I'LL PUNISH YOU! GHOST YOU AGAIN! 
BECAUSE THAT'S ALL THE CONTROL I HAVE!"

"I CAN'T CONTROL YOU OTHERWISE BECAUSE YOU DON'T TRUST ME!"
WELL, NO SH*T!

"I CAN'T EMOTIONALLY ABUSE YOU ANYMORE!"
NOPE. CAN'T. 

Angry that I'm happier without that sh*t? THEN BE ANGRY ABOUT IT!
BECAUSE I AM HAPPIER WITHOUT THAT SH*T!

HAVE BEEN FOR 12 YEARS!!!!!!!! 
IMAGINE THAT!?

FK! LESS STRESS!
LESS TRYING FOR NOTHING!
LESS IGNORANCE!

DIDN'T EXPECT ME TO LEAVE AND WANT TO!
WHY WOULDN'T I WANT TO?

WAS IT GREAT FOR ME LAST TIME? NO?
IT WAS BS!!!!!!!!!!! LAST TIME AND THIS TIME!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE I INTIMIDATE PEOPLE! MOSTLY DUDES!
BECAUSE I'M HONEST!

A DUDE TOLD ME THAT I WAS "IMMASCULATING" HIM.
WAS I? OR WAS I TELLING THE TRUTH?

BECAUSE IF IT WAS COMING FROM SOMEONE ELSE... 
WOULD IT BE IMMASCULATING?
OR WOULD IT BE HONEST?

IF ANOTHER DUDE TOLD HIM THE SAME THING....
WOULD IT BE IMMASCULATING?

OR WOULD HE TELL HIM:
YOU HAVE A POINT!

AND WOULD HE FKN THINK ABOUT IT?
PROBABLY!

BUT IT CAME FROM ME!
THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE!

WAS I TRYING TO IMMASCULATE HIM?
OR WAS I MAKING A FKN POINT?

BECAUSE IF I WANTED TO IMMASCULATE A GUY.... 
I PROBABLY FKN COULD! 

IF THAT'S WHAT I TRULY WANTED! RIGHT?

BECAUSE WHY NOT?

DUDES TRY TO TAKE MY DIGNITY FROM ME ALL THE TIME!
THEN TRY TO GASLIGHT ME ABOUT IT... 

BUT I'M SUCH A TOXIC IMMASCULATING C*NT, RIGHT?

FOR SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT HOW THEY ARE ACTING!!!!!

Reminds me of something my brother said....
HE SAID:
"JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A MIRROR....
DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO SHOVE IT IN ANYONE'S FACE..."

TRUE.... WHY SHOULD I TRY TO SHOW THEM SOMETHING....
THAT THEY FKN REFUSE TO SEE?

BUT... WHY WOULD PEOPLE WANT TO SEE....
THE BS OF THEMSELVES?

THAT THEY WERE ACTING LIKE A FKN TW@T?

AND I AM SUPPOSED TO TRUST THAT THEY WON'T?
EVER DO THAT SH*T AGAIN?

AND WHEN THEY DO.... I WAS RIGHT! NOT WRONG!
BECAUSE THEY SHOW ME AGAIN!

I SHOULD ONLY NEED TO SEE THAT ONCE.
BECAUSE ONCE IS THE PRECEDENT.
FOR FUTURE F*CKERY.

F*CKERY THEY KNEW I DIDN'T WANT.

I WASN'T UPSET ABOUT HIM BEING BUSY....
I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.....

BUT CONSTANTLY INSULTED? NOT COOL.

ALL HE HAD TO SAY: I'LL BE BUSY....
OR WHATEVER HE HAD TO SAY.... 

BUT WHEN HE THINKS HE CAN...
AND TRIES TO REPLACE ME....
THEN REALIZES... "GRASS ISN'T GREENER..."

"A***, I MADE A MISTAKE!"
WTF DO YOU WANT ME TO DO WITH THAT?!
WHAT?

RAN AWAY. HMMM.
THEN GOT MAD THAT I WAS LIKE: OKAY.
YOU GO DO THAT.

HAVE FUN.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
BEG AND CRY ABOUT IT?

BUT A CASUAL "TESTING THE WATERS" APPROACH....
WAS FKN INSULTING AND INFURIATING.

TO START WITH.

AND I TRIED NOT TO LET MY ANGER CONSUME ME....
I TRIED TO BE POLITE.... 

BY.... TELLING HIM I WISHED HIM WELL ETC... 
BUT... NOT INTERESTED.... BECAUSE OF WHAT I RECALL.
IT LEFT A BAD TASTE IN MY MOUTH!

VERY BAD TASTE IN MY MOUTH.

WHY WOULD I NOT JUST WANT MYSELF BACK?
WHY WOULDN'T I JUST... CHOOSE MYSELF?
OVER SOMEONE.... WHO DESTROYED IT CONSTANTLY!
AND EXPECTED ME TO FIX IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DO I WANT TO?????????????? 

THEN RE-GHOST ME FOR NOT WANTING A REPEAT!

"I'LL DISCARD YOU AGAIN, A***!" OKAY! DO THAT.

BECAUSE I DIDN'T GIVE YOU ACCESS?
BECAUSE I DIDN'T TRY TO FIX IT FOR YOU?
WHEN I SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN EXPECTED TO?

Fkn exhausting to be expected to do so much....
WITHOUT BEING ALLOWED TO EXPECT ANYTHING BUT BS!
WITHOUT BEING ALLOWED TO HAVE AND EXPRESS FEELINGS!
BECAUSE THAT'S "TOXIC." FK HIM FOR THAT.

HOW ABOUT.... DON'T FKN BREADCRUMB PEOPLE....
PROJECT SH*T....
GHOST THEM FOR 12 YEARS....
INSULT THEM.... 
AND PUSH THEM AWAY....

IF YOU WANTED TO TALK.....
THAT'S NOT HOW TO GET SOMEONE TO FKN WANT TO!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT'S BS!!!!!!!!!!!! IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT FKN IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IT NEVER WASN'T BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT WAS LIKE:
"YOU WEREN'T WORTH TREATING RIGHT!"
"YOU WEREN'T BEING HONEST WITH!"
"YOU WEREN'T WORTH THE ACCOUNTABILITY!"
"YOU WEREN'T WORTH TALKING TO FOR 12 YEARS!"
"I CAN KEEP YOU ON THE SHELF FOR WHENEVER!"

HOW WOULD THAT FEEL FOR HIM?
WONDERFUL?

AND "YOU ARE TOXIC!" 
FOR WHAT?
DOING THE THINGS HE WAS DOING TO ME?

THAT I WASN'T DOING?!

LIKE... IF YOU WOULD RATHER....
DEFLECT AND PROJECT... 
INSTEAD OF TAKING ACCOUNTABILITY FOR YOUR BS.... 

AND GIVING ME EXCUSES FOR BS.... 
INSTEAD OF OWNING IT... 
AND RUNNING FROM ACCOUNTABILITY AGAIN... 

ALL OF THAT IS BS, TOO. 

AND WHAT WOULD I PREFER OVER BS?
SOLITUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'LL LET MY SILENCE TALK FOR ME.

WHILE I HEAL MYSELF FROM THIS...
AND THE THINGS THAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT... 

"WHAT IS MEANT FOR YOU...
WON'T REQUIRE YOU TO BEG OR LOWER YOUR STANDARDS."

I WON'T LOWER MY STANDARDS. JUST WON'T.

ABOUT HOW I DESERVE TO BE TREATED 
AND HOW I DON'T.

I DON'T DESERVE TO BE TREATED
AS THOUGH HAVING STANDARDS
IS TOXIC. IT'S NOT.

OR AS THOUGH I AM FOR HAVING STANDARDS. I'M NOT.

MY STANDARDS WEREN'T AS HIGH AS THEY THOUGHT, THOUGH.
FAIRNESS. PRETTY STANDARD STANDARD.... 

IF HE WOULDN'T WANT TO BE MANIPULATED....
WHY WOULD I?
IF HE WOULDN'T WANT TO BE CONTROLLED...
WHY WOULD I?

WOULD HE WANT TO BE GHOSTED FOR 12 YEARS?
WOULD HE WANT TO BE DISCARDED AND INSULTED? 
PROBABLY NOT!

PROJECTED ON? NO.
TREATED LIKE AN AFTERTHOUGHT? NO.
TREATED LIKE HAVING STANDARDS IS TOXIC?
TREATED LIKE HAVING STANDARDS MEANT HE WAS TOXIC?

IT'S NOT.... "WAIT UNTIL THINGS BLOW OVER" 12 YEARS!?!
IT'S NOT.... "TEST HER TEMPERATURE."
IT'S NOT.... "PRETEND NOTHING HAPPENED."

HE DOESN'T WANT TO TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY
BECAUSE HE CAN'T CHANGE THAT HE DID THAT SH*T.

AND TRYING: "I FORGOT HOW I TREATED YOU."

NO. THAT SH*T DOESN'T WORK WITH ME.
IT P*SSED ME OFF. 

A REFUSAL TO FKN GROW UP.... P*SSES ME OFF.

ACCESS DENIED BECAUSE HE DOES NOT HAVE THE CODE.
THE CODE REQUIRES SELF-REFLECTION. 

REALIZATIONS. HONESTY. 
NO MORE GAMES.

ADULT CONVO.
NO IMMATURE SH*T.

SELFISH NOT TO WANT TO SEE ME WITH SOMEONE ELSE!
SELFISH TO WANT ACCESS TO ME AFTER 12 YEARS!
SELFISH TO NOT TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY!
SELFISH TO RUN AWAY LIKE A LITTLE B*TCH! AGAIN!
SELFISH TO WANT ME TO RETURN FROM "THE DEAD."

TO TRY TO INSULT ME SOME MORE!

SEEMS TOO IMMATURE FOR ME.

Crazy Glue For "Lube"

I'll apologize for dumping all the posts about that "situation."
Been trying to get it out of my system. 

It was.... For a while. I was doing well before that sh*t.
I rarely thought about him anymore.
Rarely thought about any of it.

It was behind me.

Maybe that's what bugs me.... 
IT WAS BEHIND ME.

I WASN'T LOOKING BACK!

I WAS LIVING MY LIFE!
HOW TOXIC OF ME TO DO! FKER!

MY ABSENCE FOR 12 YEARS...
MADE YOUR HEART GROW "FONDER"?

IT DIDN'T DO THAT TO MINE.
I DIDN'T FORGET EMOTIONAL ABUSE.

MY ABSENCE WAS BECAUSE YOU DISCARDED ME.
NOT BECAUSE WE WERE ON A "BREAK."
IT WASN'T A PAUSE OR A BREAK.
IT WASN'T "TO BE CONTINUED."
IT WAS FKN OVER. 
IT ENDED.
IT WAS DONE.
I WAS DONE.
I AM DONE.

NO POINT WHEN PEOPLE ACT LIKE THEY
DON'T FKN UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS SAYING!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHOULD I SWITCH TO JAPANESE? OR SOMETHING ELSE? FK!

MIRROR SMASHER WAS LIKE THAT....
ACTED LIKE HE COULDN'T FKN UNDERSTAND WHAT I SAID!!!!!
WAS FKING INFURIATING!!!!!!!!!!!

PLAYED FKN STUPID! I HATE THAT SH*T!
HE KNEW WHAT I WAS SAYING!
AND WHY I WAS FKN SAYING IT!
HE FKN KNEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HE DID!

IF I TRUSTED HIM....
MAYBE I WOULD HAVE GIVEN HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!

BUT I FKN DON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
AND THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN OKAY!!!!!!!!!!

WHY WOULDN'T THAT BE OKAY?

SHOULD I GET MAD IF I WANTED SOMEONE'S TRUST?
AND I ACTED IN WAYS THAT DIDN'T FOSTER TRUST?

AND TRY TO PUNISH THEM FOR NOT TRUSTING ME?

SHOULD I DO THAT?

WOULD THERE BE A POINT IN DOING THAT?
JUST TO BE MAD?

THAT I DIDN'T GET THE TRUST I WANTED?

SHOULD I TRUST SOMEONE WHO ALREADY DISCARDED ME?
LIKE I MEANT NOTHING TO THEM?

PROBABLY NOT!
THEY ALREADY DID THAT!

TO DO IT AGAIN.... SAID SOMETHING.

GUESS YOU DIDN'T WANT TO "TALK" AFTER ALL. LOL!

BUT.... YOU COULD HAVE TALKED TO ME.... YEARS AGO....
BUT.... DID YOU?

OR WERE YOU WAITING FOR ME TO TRY TO CHASE YOU?!
BECAUSE: NO TF I WILL NOT!

I WILL LEAVE YOU TO YOUR BS. EASILY.

Anyway.... Again... Once this is ALL OUT.... IT'LL BE DONE.
AND I'LL BE WRITING ABOUT OTHER THINGS... 

IF THERE WAS AN ACTUAL PAUSE....
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT! RIGHT?

I WOULD HAVE WELCOMED HIM BACK!
AND BEEN HAPPY TO RECONNECT. RIGHT?

BUT IT WAS FKN OVER!!!!!!!! BECAUSE HE CHOSE THAT!

I WOULD PROBABLY HAVE TRUSTED HIM! RIGHT?
LIKE I USED TO?
IF IT WAS A PAUSE?

WHY WOULD I TRUST SOMEONE'S FKN EGO?
IF THEY LET THEIR EGO RUN THE SHOW....
AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK THAT'S MATURE?

AM I SUPPOSED TO TRUST YOU?
NOT TO DO THE SH*T YOU NEVER HAD TO?

I DID! I TRUSTED HIM NOT TO BE ABOUT ANY BS!
LIKE HE TRUSTED ME NOT TO BE ABOUT BS! RIGHT?

IF I GAVE HIM A CHANCE WITHOUT TRUSTING HIM?
HOW LONG WOULD THAT LAST!?

WAS I SUPPOSED TO PRETEND TO TRUST?
WAS I SUPPOSED TO LIE?

OR WAS I SUPPOSED TO SAY HOW I FELT?
AND BE HONEST ABOUT IT?

YEAH, BRUTAL HONESTY IS HONESTY!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY SHOULDN'T I BE BRUTALLY HONEST?
SHOULD I HAVE BEEN FAKE? LIED?

BRUTALLY DISHONEST?
IS THAT WHAT HE WANTED INSTEAD?

WANTED TO CONTROL HOW I SAW HIM...
GOT MAD THAT I DON'T LOOK AT HIM THE SAME.

"YOU HAVE TO TRUST ME BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO!"
DO I?

GOT MAD BECAUSE I DON'T? 
GEE, WHY DON'T I?

IF I TRIED TO RECONNECT WITH IRON HEART....
AS AN EXAMPLE....
AFTER FKING HIM AROUND.... 
WOULD HE TRUST ME?
PROBABLY NOT!
WOULD HE THINK I WANTED SOMETHING FROM HIM?
PROBABLY!

ESPECIALLY..... AFTER 12 YEARS!!!!!!!!

HE WOULD LIKELY THINK SOMETHING WAS UP WITH THAT!
WOULD HE NOT?

PROBABLY!

WAS I NOT SUPPOSED TO ACCEPT THAT YOU BOUNCED?
I DID! FUNNY HOW THAT WORKS!
FUNNY INDEED!

WOULD IT LOOK LIKE PLAYING A GAME....
IF I.... DISCARDED HIM.... 12 YEARS AGO....
AND TRIED TO COME BACK LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED?

THAT'S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE TO ME.

IT LOOKS LIKE TRYING TO FKN TRIGGER ME, 
OR TRYING TO GET SOMETHING FROM ME.

THAT'S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE:
"I WAS WRONG ABOUT YOU. I'M SORRY. I WANT TO TALK."

IT LOOKS LIKE:
"I WANT SOMETHING I'M EXPECTING TO GET FROM YOU."

EXPECTING.... NOT ENTITLED TO.
HOPING FOR.... NOT ENTITLED TO.

ACTING A TYPE OF WAY LIKE THEY WERE ENTITLED
TO GET SOMETHING THEY WANTED....
AND DIDN'T GET IT... 

DOESN'T SCREAM: "YOU CAN TRUST ME, A***."
TRYING TO COME BACK WHEN I'M GETTING MYSELF BACK....

AFTER A SH*T TON OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE... 

HEALING FROM THAT.... DOING OKAY FINALLY.... 

WANTED A REACTION. THAT'S WHY HE DID IT.
DIDN'T GET THE REACTION HE WANTED.

GOT MAD. OKAY. BE SUPER MAD!

WANT A CAPE? I'LL GET YOU A TOWEL. FK.

FKN 5 YEARS OLD? OR AN ADULT?
HARD TO TELL, ACTING LIKE THAT.

ADULTS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO FKN ACT LIKE THAT, THOUGH.
THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO REALIZE THINGS THAT KIDS DON'T.

THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO... BE ABLE TO.... COMMUNICATE. WELL.
LIKE.... AN ADULT.

WE... ARE NOT.... TEENAGERS.... ANYMORE!

AM I 16? NO. I'M 40 FKN 2. 42! 

DO I WANT TO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO ACTS 17? NO.
I DON'T. I REALLY FKN DON'T.

THERE'S NOTHING THAT SAYS:
"WE'LL MAKE PROGRESS! BECAUSE I'M MATURE!"

NO PROGRESS? NO POINT.

WANTED ME TO THINK HE WAS DONE WITH ME....
WASN'T I SUPPOSED TO THINK THAT?
AND BELIEVE IT? AND MOVE ON?
BECAUSE OF IT? AND ACCEPT THAT?

HE'D HAVE TO ACCEPT IT IF I DISCARDED HIM!
HE'D HAVE TO MOVE ON WITH HIS LIFE!
I THOUGHT HE DID!

HE ACTED LIKE HE WANTED TO! RIGHT? 
SO I LET HIM DO THAT?

AND HE GOT MAD BECAUSE I DID? WTF?

WOULD HE BE MAD IF I HADN'T ACCEPTED IT?
AND ACTUALLY DID TOXIC SH*T?
PROBABLY!

SO WHAT WAY DID HE WANT IT?
FKN SIDEWAYS WITH A SURFBOARD!
WITH CRAZY GLUE FOR LUBE!
THERE YA GO!

THE ONLY REASON I'M EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE....
IS BECAUSE WHEN I WAS EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE....
HOW WAS I BEING TREATED?
LIKE NOTHING?
LIKE CRAP?

IF I WAS TOXIC....
I WOULD HAVE ACTED LIKE I WAS ENTITLED.... 
TO ANYTHING HE HAD TO OFFER!

WAS I? EVER? NO.

DID I WANT VERY MUCH OF ANYTHING? NO?

ACCOUNTABILITY? YEAH.
CONSIDERATION? YEAH.
LOYALTY? YEAH.
RESPECT? YEAH.
HONESTY? YEAH. (INCLUDING HONESTY WITH YOURSELF).

SO MUCH TO WANT! RIGHT?

BUT THEY WANT THESE THINGS FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RIGHT?

IT'S OKAY FOR THEM TO WANT ME TO BE SOLID! RIGHT?
SO WHY IS IT A FKN HUGE DEAL....
FOR ME TO WANT THOSE THINGS TOO?

WHY AM I "TOXIC" FOR WANTING THOSE THINGS?

BUT I'M TOXIC FOR WANTING YOU TO DO BETTER?
FOR WANTING TO BE TREATED PROPERLY?

THE WAY I SHOULD HAVE BEEN TREATED?
THE FIRST TIME?

THEN... I AM THE MOST TOXIC PERSON EVER!

It just feels like I'm not going to be ON THE SAME PAGE....
WITH ANYONE... 

AND THAT IS OKAY!

DO I NEED TO BE SHARING MY LIFE... 
WITH SOMEONE WHO KEPT INSULTING ME?
AND TAKING ME FOR GRANTED?
AND TRIED TO PUNISH ME?
FOR NOT TRUSTING THEM?

WHY WOULD THERE BE TRUST THERE?
WHY?

THERE USED TO BE.... 
BUT THERE WAS NO APPRECIATION, PROGRESS....

WAS I SUPPOSED TO TRUST THAT IT WOULD BE THERE?
THIS TIME AROUND? FK NO.

PROJECTING SH*T ONTO ME....
DOESN'T SCREAM: "I WANT ANOTHER CHANCE!"
DOESN'T SCREAM: "YOU CAN TRUST ME!"
DOESN'T SCREAM: "I HAVE CHANGED!"
DOESN'T SCREAM: "I MISSED YOU!"
DOESN'T SCREAM: "I WANT TO START OVER!"
DOESN'T SCREAM: "I WAS WRONG!"

A LOT OF THINGS IT DOESN'T SCREAM. RIGHT?

DO I NEED HIM TO TELL ME HE WAS WRONG? NO!
DO I NEED CONTROL OVER WHAT HE REALIZES? NO!

ABOUT ME? ABOUT HIMSELF? ABOUT ANYTHING? NO!

ACCOUNTABILITY LOOKS LIKE:
"I TREAT A*** PROPERLY BECAUSE SHE DESERVED IT ALL ALONG!"
"I REGRET TREATING A*** LIKE SH*T... SO MUCH I WOULD NEVER!"
"I DON'T WANT TO LOSE A***."

FOREVER. TO SOMEONE ELSE.

BEEN TURNED OFF SO MUCH....
IT WOULD TAKE A LOT TO TURN ME ON.

SURE, I GET A "BONER" FOR INTELLIGENCE....
BUT INTELLIGENCE ISN'T MATURITY.

BUT I KNOW A LOT OF EGO SH*T....
IS FEAR AND INSECURITY.

PROJECTIONS ARE INSECURITY-BASED, TOO. 

OTHERWISE.... THERE WOULD BE NO PROJECTIONS!

SECURE PEOPLE DON'T PROJECT!
THEY REFLECT, YES.

BUT WHY PROJECT?
NOTHING TO GAIN FROM IT.
JUST AN EGO THING.

WOULD I GAIN ANYTHING FROM PROJECTING MY SH*T ON HIM?

DON'T GAIN A LOT FOR TELLING THE TRUTH, EITHER!

HAVE I? NOT REALLY....
BUT AT LEAST IT'S THE TRUTH!!!!!

I just needed to get it out. I'm tired. Been tired. Of BS....
FOR AN EXTREMELY LONG TIME!

AND WHEN PEOPLE AREN'T DONE WITH THEIR SH*T....
AND TRY TO COME BACK TO TRY TO PLAY SOME MORE....

I GET TIRED OF THAT SH*T TOO!

LIKE I COULD BE IN MY LANE... VIBING... GROOVY....
AND SOMETHING OR SOMEONE.....
WANTS TO FKN RUIN IT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY!

COULD HAVE MOVED ON AFTER DISCARDING ME!
LET ME REST IN PEACE AFTER GHOSTING ME!

RIGHT?!

YOU TRY TO DIG UP THE "DEAD...."
THEY WON'T BE THE SAME! RIGHT?

BUT GHOSTING ME AFTER GHOSTING ME....
SAYS EVERYTHING.

IT SAYS: I WAS RIGHT NOT TO FKN WANT TO TRUST YOU!
IT SAYS: I COULDN'T!
IT SAYS: YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED!
IT SAYS: MORE BS!

WOULD YOU TRUST SOMEONE WHO GHOSTED YOU?
FOR 12 FKN YEARS?

AND ACTED LIKE THEY DID NOTHING WRONG TO YOU?

LIKE YOU COULD JUST PICK UP WHERE YOU WERE BEFORE THAT?

DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT! RIGHT?

LIKE.... ALL I WANTED.... WAS.... 
TO RECOVER FROM....
BEING TREATED LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BY SOMEONE I TRUSTED NOT TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT'S ALL THAT I WANTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT'S ALL.

NOW, I HAVE TO RESTART THAT.... I GUESS....
TOOK A WHILE LAST TIME. Y'KNOW?

TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OKAY? AM I ALLOWED TO BE TIRED?
BECAUSE APPARENTLY I WASN'T ALLOWED TO MOVE ON!
I WASN'T ALLOWED TO LET SOMEONE GO....
WHO DIDN'T FKN WANT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

FK!!!!!! I HAVE TO FORGIVE MYSELF FOR STAYING.
FOR NOTHING. 

FOR WANTING FAIRNESS FROM SOMEONE...
WHO WOULDN'T GIVE THAT.

FOR WANTING MATURITY FROM PEOPLE....
WHO JUST.... WEREN'T OR AREN'T. 
IT'S TIME TO BE FAIR TO MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BEING FAIR TO MYSELF LOOKS A LOT LIKE:
NOT FKING DEALING WITH PEOPLE
WHO DO NOT KNOW HOW TF TO TREAT ME.

IF SOMEONE "MISHANDLED ME" THE FIRST TIME....
CHANCES ARE.... THEY'LL DO IT AGAIN!

Someone put it this way:

WHEN YOU PLAN TO KEEP SOMETHING, 
YOU TAKE GOOD CARE OF IT.

WHEN YOU THINK IT'S DISPOSABLE....
YOU DON'T CARE HOW YOU TREAT IT.

THAT'S WHY MOST PEOPLE HAVE TREATED ME SO FKN BAD!!!!!!!!!
BECAUSE I WAS FKN DISPOSABLE AND DISCARDABLE TO THEM!!!!!!!

DID THEY CARE ABOUT KEEPING ME AND TAKING CARE OF ME?
OF MY FEELINGS?
OF THE "CONNECTION"?

NO TF HE DIDN'T JUST WANT TO TALK....
BECAUSE HE COULD HAVE.... 

BUT... HE COULD HAVE BEEN HONEST. STILL WASN'T.

AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO TRUST HIM?

COULD HE NOT SEE WHY I FKN WOULDN'T?

FOMO

Someone once told me that he has FOMO.
I don't know why he told me that, but he did.

One of the most egotistical dudes I've ever met in my life!

What blew my mind.... If he realized he was going to miss out....
ON ME AND BEING IN MY LIFE....
HE COULD HAVE TREATED ME BETTER!

It's been on my mind that he knows I COULD BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

IF SOMEONE THINKS:
"SHE MIGHT BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE! 
BETTER MAKE A MOVE!"

12 YEARS LATER?
WHEN YOU HAD WHATEVER ELSE GOING ON?
WANTED TO PLAY GAMES?

"YOU'RE WRONG!" ABOUT WHAT?
ABOUT HOW TOXIC PEOPLE PLAY GAMES
AND I WASN'T DOING THAT?
AND HOW YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO TREAT ME LIKE CRAP?

PRETTY SURE I'M RIGHT ABOUT THAT.
AND SOMEONE DIDN'T LIKE IT.

WELP, DON'T HAVE TO LIKE IT!
I DIDN'T LIKE THE EMOTIONAL ABUSE!

IF I HAVE TO CALL THAT SH*T OUT.... FK YES. I WILL.
I DGAF WHO LIKES THAT OR NOT.

THE POINT IS....
THERE SHOULD BE NOTHING TO CALL OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT IS THE POINT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DO I WANT TO CALL SH*T OUT????????????? NO?
NO! I DON'T FKN WANT TO! NEVER WANTED TO!

JUST DOESN'T WANT TO SEE ME WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
I'M ALLOWED TO BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE!

I'M ALLOWED TO BE IN MY OWN LANE!
I'M ALLOWED TO BE APPRECIATED....
BY SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO APPRECIATE ME!

BUT YOU DISCARD ME AND TRY TO COME BACK AROUND.....
WHILE PROBABLY STILL DEALING WITH SOMEONE ELSE....
NOT READY TO CHANGE ANYTHING... 
OR WANTING TO....

ENJOY YOUR OPTIONS! LOL!
HOPE THEY WON'T DO YOU LIKE I WOULDN'T HAVE!
FAIR!

MISERABLE WITHOUT ME? IS THAT MY PROBLEM?

THERE WAS NO "REGRET." NO CHANGE.
IT WASN'T BECAUSE HE WANTED ME TO FORGIVE HIM... 
OR WANTED TO "TALK."
BECAUSE HE HAD THAT CHANCE. 
TO SAY WHATEVER.
BUT RAN AWAY.... AGAIN.

BECAUSE THAT'S EASY TO DO.
PROJECTING AND RUNNING IS EASY.

ADMITTING TO YOUR BS ISN'T, I GUESS.

"I CAN JUST GET WHAT I WANT.... 12 YEARS LATER."
NO. YOU CAN'T.

SHIPS SAIL.

IF THEY SAILED 12 YEARS AGO..... THEY LEFT PORT!

Wanted me "back" because they were not getting something
FROM SOMEONE ELSE.
THAT THEY COULD HAVE HAD WITH ME.

"DON'T TALK TO A***, OR I WILL XYZ!" 
WHATEVER. COOL. 

GOT MAD BECAUSE HE COULDN'T PLAY WITH ME ANYMORE.
WHY WOULD I LET HIM?

ALREADY DID THAT.

"I'LL JUST BLOCK YOU AGAIN!" DO IT!
SO YOU CAN LEAVE ME TF ALONE!

SINCE YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANTED!
SINCE YOU WOULDN'T JUST LET ME MOVE ON!

BEING LEFT TF ALONE LOOKS A LOT LIKE "PEACE."

YOU KNOW? LIKE HOW I LEFT HIM ALONE?
LIKE HE WANTED?
AND I GAVE HIM THAT?

WANTED MY ATTENTION? FOR WHAT?
BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING THROUGH IT?
DOES THAT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME? NO?

Someone said:
It's not because he regrets it.
His phone is dry.
CLEAR SIGN he's not worth your time.

"I'M GETTING FKD AROUND? I'LL TRY A*** AGAIN..."
ON FKN ROTATION OR SOME SH*T... 

LIKE I WAS GOING TO UNSEE THAT SH*T.
NOPE. DIDN'T UNSEE IT.

I DGAF IF HE EVER REALIZES ANYTHING ABOUT ME.
OR ABOUT WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN.

IT DOES NOTHING FOR ME NOW.
IT WOULD HAVE MEANT SOMETHING 12 YEARS AGO.

BUT NOW?

REALLY SO ARROGANT TO THINK I WOULDN'T BE DONE?
THAT I WOULD CHASE YOU?

WOW.

DIDN'T LIKE ME TELLING THE TRUTH!

THEN FKN GET OVER YOURSELF!

WHY WOULD I WANT YOU AFTER THAT BS?
WHY WOULD I BE BEGGING YOU TO COME BACK?
WHY WOULD I APOLOGIZE FOR BEING HONEST?
ISN'T HONESTY WHAT YOU WANTED?
YOU JUST DON'T LIKE IT WHEN IT'S TOO HONEST?

WELP, I'M NOT GOING TO SUGAR-COAT IT WITH BS!

YOU CAN CHOKE ON THE TRUTH FOR ALL I CARE!
IF YOU'RE THE ONE PUSHING ME TO TELL IT!

SHOULD I BE GENTLE WITH THE TRUTH?
SO I DON'T HURT YOUR FEELINGS?
LIKE I'M SUPPOSED TO CARE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS?
DID YOU CARE ABOUT MINE? NO?

WELP? WHAT DID YOU WANT?
CANDY CHANCES?
SPINKLES OF BS?
FORGIVENESS FROSTING?

WELL... FORGIVENESS REQUIRES A REAL APOLOGY.
NOT HALF OF ONE.
OR A QUARTER OF ONE.
OR A FAKE ONE TO TRY TO GET SOMETHING FROM ME...

LIKE ACCESS TO ME THAT YOU WANTED...
FOR SOME REASON....
THAT YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE ENTITLED TO...
THAT YOU DIDN'T APPRECIATE OR VALUE... 

AND WHEN I DIDN'T TRUST HIM ENOUGH TO GIVE THAT TO HIM....
HOW DID HE ACT!

MAYBE THERE ARE REASONS I DON'T TRUST THE GUY ANYMORE!
PROBABLY BECAUSE I ALREADY TRUSTED HIM!

RIGHT?

IF I COULD HAVE TRUSTED HIM....
HE WOULD HAVE GIVEN ME REASONS TO.
HE WOULD HAVE TREATED OUR CONNECTION
AS SOMETHING FKN SACRED. 
AND GREW WITH ME.

THINGS WOULD HAVE BEEN HARMONIOUS... 
WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ANY REASON NOT TO!
RIGHT?

SHOULD I HAVE LIED?
AND SAID I TRUSTED HIM WHEN I DIDN'T?

AND TO GET MAD AT ME FOR NOT TRUSTING YOU.... 
AND TO PROJECT ON ME AND DISCARD ME AGAIN....
FOR NOT TRUSTING YOU... 

WHAT DOES THAT SAY?
THAT I SHOULD TRUST YOU? NO.

But.... Why come back around out of FOMO?

"A*** MIGHT GET MARRIED ONE DAY!
THEN I WON'T STAND A CHANCE!"

WELP, YOU HAD CHANCES AND WASTED THEM!
RIGHT?

WASTED YOUR CHANCES AND GOT MAD AT ME FOR IT!

SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE I'D LOVE TO RECONNECT WITH! RIGHT?

WOULD YOU?

Core Things

I don't know if he's been watching me or stalking....
Or what... I don't know why he would be... 

I can leave people where they are.
ESPECIALLY IF THEY WON'T MEET ME WHERE I AM.

IF THEY CAN'T, THAT'S ONE THING.

BUT IF THEY CAN.... AND REFUSE TO....
THAT'S ANOTHER THING. 
RIGHT?

It's like I SPOKE ANOTHER LANGUAGE.

WANTED ME ALL HEART-BROKEN? DESTROYED?
AND YOU FEEL A TYPE OF WAY THAT I'M NOT?

WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE?
BECAUSE YOU WANTED ME TO BE?

YOUR TURN TO BE DISAPPOINTED!

YOU DON'T GET TO TRY TO WRECK ME....
AND THINK I WANT TO BE BACK THERE.

WHY? SO YOU CAN BE BLIND TO EVERYTHING YOU DO?
BECAUSE YOU WANT ME TO BE, TOO?

NOPE! I SEE IT! ALL OF IT!

I REALLY DISCARDED SOMEONE FOR DISCARDING ME?
NOT REALLY....
REMINDED THEM THEY ALREADY DISCARDED ME....

NOT SOMETHING I'D FORGET.
AND HE BROUGHT IT UP.... IT WASN'T ME WHO DID.

I JUST LET HIM WALK AWAY.
WASN'T I SUPPOSED TO?
THOUGHT I WAS!

THOUGHT THAT WAS THE HEALTHY THING TO DO!
WAS IT NOT?

WAS I EVER SITTING HERE THINKING:
"I WISH HE'D COME BACK AND INSULT ME SOME MORE!"
"I MISS HIS EMOTIONAL ABUSE!"
"I MISS HIS BS! I HOPE HE COMES BACK!"

NO. I WASN'T. I WAS JUST IN MY OWN LANE.
WHERE I BELONG.

I RARELY EVEN USE THAT SITE THAT HE CONTACTED ME ON.
PRETTY SURE I BLOCKED HIM ON FB.

HE PROBABLY TRIED TO UNBLOCK ME ON THERE...
REALIZED HE WAS BLOCKED AND TRIED ANOTHER WAY.

IS HE GOING TO TRY ANOTHER SITE 12 YEARS FROM NOW?
HOPING I'LL FORGET IN ANOTHER 12 YEARS?

I'LL REMEMBER THIS FK UP, TOO.

DISCARDED TWICE.

FOR ACCEPTING THE DISTANCE HE CREATED.
BUT I WAS WRONG?
I WAS THE ONE WHO INSULTED AND DISCARDED MYSELF?

I TOLD THE TRUTH AND IF HE DOESN'T LIKE THAT....
AT LEAST I DIDN'T LIE!

BECAUSE IF I WAS REALLY TOXIC....
I COULD HAVE PLAYED WHATEVER FKN GAME
HE WAS TRYING TO PLAY WITH ME.

RIGHT?

WAS I DOING THAT?
OR WAS I P*SSED OFF THAT HE WAS DOING THAT?

DID I HAVE ANY OTHER REASONS TO BE UPSET? NO?

NOPE. BECAUSE: MOSTLY, I'M CHILL. 
I DO NOT GET UPSET FOR NO REASON. 

AND IT'S USUALLY WHEN SOMEONE IS FKING UP.

BECAUSE THEY ARE CHOOSING TO FK UP.
AND THEY COULD CHOOSE NOT TO FK UP.
BY NOT FKING UP.

BLOCKING ME WAS SUPPOSED TO "PUNISH ME"
FOR HOLDING HIM ACCOUNTABLE.

IS IT PUNISHMENT TO ME TO REMOVE YOUR BS FROM MY LIFE?

OR IS IT THEM GIVING ME MY PEACE BACK?

I'M TOXIC..... FOR WANTING HONESTY.
EXPECTING AND REQUIRING HONESTY. 

FOR WANTING RESPECT.

PROJECTING ON ME AND TRYING TO PUNISH ME....
SAYS ENOUGH ABOUT WHY "GOING BACKWARDS"
WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN "HEALTHY" FOR ME.

WHY GO BACK TO SOMEONE
WHO ALREADY TOOK ME FOR GRANTED?

BECAUSE THEY ARE "READY" TO APPRECIATE ME?
FK NO.

I swear. You don't give someone what they want.....
LOOK AT HOW THEY ACT!

Imagine if I acted like that?
If he said he didn't want to date me or something....
Instead of him accepting it....
If he had projected sh*t on me for rejecting him... 

Would that be healthy? Or toxic.

Healthy would be accepting that.
WITHOUT PROJECTING ANYTHING.

HEALTHY WOULD BE UNDERSTANDING THAT AND WHY.
NOT GETTING MAD AND TRYING TO "HURT" ME.

BLOCKING ME DOESN'T HURT ME.
IT'S JUST SOMEONE REMOVING THEMSELVES.

IT DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT MY WORTH.
IT JUST SAYS THEY CAN'T SEE IT AND I AM OKAY WITH THAT.

THEY ARE ALLOWED NOT TO SEE THINGS.
EVEN IF ANYTHING WAS RIGHT THERE!

IF I WAS TRYING TO PRY HIS EYES OPEN....
TO FORCE HIM TO SEE SOMETHING
THAT I WANTED HIM TO SEE....

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN TOXIC....

BUT EXPLAINING MYSELF OR ANYTHING...
TELLING HIM HOW I FELT....

DID NOTHING!

SO THERE WAS NO POINT IN THAT!

IF HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND CORE THINGS....
WHICH IT SEEMS THAT HE DOESN'T....
THERE WAS NO POINT IN TALKING. 
REALLY NO FKN POINT.