It Really Fkn Bothers Me

It bothers me when people SEE MY WORTH
YEARS FKN LATER....

AND GIVE ME A HALF-ASS APOLOGY....

IF IT HAPPENED LIKE THAT, I'M SORRY....

YES! IT DID HAPPEN LIKE THAT!
I WAS THERE!

"I didn't mean to stir up feelings...."
YES, YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE DOING!

"I DON'T REMEMBER."
YES YOU FKN DO!
IF I DO, SO DO YOU!

YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE DOING
BECAUSE YOU CHOSE TO DO IT!

But WHY 12 YEARS LATER?
LIKE: "A***'S DOING WELL NOW..."

WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS?
WHY DO YOU THINK I'M DOING BETTER NOW?

BECAUSE SOMEONE WHO TREATED ME LIKE CRAP...
ISN'T DOING THAT ANYMORE.

THAT'S WHY.

THAT'S WHY I'M DOING BETTER NOW.

BECAUSE I'M NOT TRYING FOR ANYONE
TO SEE MY FKN WORTH ANYMORE!

I'M SEEING MY OWN WORTH NOW. 
THAT'S WHY. 

I'M APPRECIATING AND VALIDATING MYSELF. 
THAT'S WHY.

And you know what he does when I called him out?

HE BLOCKED ME AGAIN!

BECAUSE WHY LISTEN TO ME?
DIDN'T THEN, SO WHY NOW?

But whatever. He already missed his chance.

AND I TOLD HIM THAT IF HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND
HOW UNFAIR CERTAIN THINGS ARE.... 

THERE IS NO POINT IN TALKING TO EACH OTHER!

"I'LL JUST BLOCK HER AGAIN."
FINE. DOES IT MATTER?
NOW?

IT FKN STUNG BACK THEN, YEAH.
BUT THIS TIME? FK NO.

I THINK I MADE MY POINT.

HE BLOCKED ME BECAUSE HE KNOWS I'M RIGHT.
THAT'S WHY.

OTHERWISE... HE WOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING!
DONE SOMETHING!

"BLOCK A*** AGAIN, SHE'S TOO VOLATILE."
NO, TOO TRUTHFUL.

DIDN'T GET WHAT HE WANTED, RIGHT?
SO WHAT WAS THE POINT IN TRYING?

BECAUSE HE WANTED SOMETHING.

DIDN'T WANT FORGIVENESS.

SAID SO HIMSELF. 

SO HIS APOLOGIZING WASN'T EVEN FOR FORGIVENESS!
IT WAS BECAUSE HE REALIZED HE "MADE MISTAKES."

BUT HERE'S SOMETHING:

MISTAKES ARE FKN CHOICES!
HE CHOSE TO "MAKE THOSE MISTAKES."

AND WHAT "MISTAKES" DID HE REALIZE HE MADE?
DID HE EVEN SAY? NO!

BECAUSE WHY WOULD HE?!

"HE REALIZES BUT CAN'T REMEMBER."
HOW CONVENIENT.

WANTED ME TO HAVE FORGOTTEN.
12 YEARS LATER. NO TF I HAVEN'T.

NO. HE "REALIZED" HE "MADE MISTAKES"
BECAUSE I COULD BE WITH WHOEVER TF ELSE, NOT HIM.

THAT'S WHY.
"I COULD HAVE BEEN WITH HER!"
MAYBE!
HAD YOU PLAYED YOUR CARDS RIGHT....
BUT DIDN'T, RIGHT?

NOT BECAUSE HE MAGICALLY FKN CARES 12 YEARS LATER.

Maybe I'm too honest... Maybe they really can't "handle"|
BEING TOLD ABOUT THEMSELVES.

SHOULDN'T HAVE TREATED ME LIKE THAT, RIGHT?

BUT "I DON'T REMEMBER."
LIKE FK YOU DON'T.

THAT IS FKN INSULTING... 

I TREATED YOU SO BAD THAT I DON'T "REMEMBER"
HOW I TREATED YOU....

BUT "YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT."
YOU KNEW I DIDN'T, BUT STILL DID THAT SHIT.

AND WHEN YOU LEAVE A DUDE TF ALONE....
TO SIT IN WHATEVER TF THEY CHOSE....
THEY BECOME BORED WITH IT 
OR WHATEVER....

AND THEY THINK:

"I WANT ANOTHER CHANCE WITH A***."

I LEFT YOU TF ALONE....
LIKE YOU FKN WANTED ME TO....
BECAUSE YOU LITERALLY FKN DISCARDED ME.
LIKE I WAS NEVER ANYTHING TO YOU. 

REMEMBER THAT? I DO.

THEN BLAMED ME FOR IT,
WHEN I TRIED TO ADDRESS IT, 
RIGHT? LIKE BEFORE?

FKN WASTING MY TIME AGAIN?

BECAUSE BLAMING ME FOR YOUR FKN "MISTAKES"
ISN'T TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEM!
RIGHT?

AND IF IT WAS A MISTAKE YOU MADE....
IS IT MY FAULT?

SO BLAMING ME FOR YOUR MISTAKES.... IS BS.
RIGHT?

AND YOU WANT ME TO HAVE TIME FOR THAT?

HE KNEW IT WOULD STIR UP FEELINGS!
MY FEELINGS WERE FKN REAL!

AND HE STILL WON'T FKN LISTEN!

SO WHY DID I EVER FKN BOTHER?

BECAUSE I THOUGHT HE AND I COULD HAVE HAD SOMETHING?
WORTHWHILE?

BECAUSE I THOUGHT I COULD FKN TRUST HIM?

GUESS WHAT?
I COULDN'T!

HE SHOWED ME THAT!

SO HE GETS TO SHOW ME AGAIN?

AND "I FORGET" PERFECT EXCUSE NOT TO "ADDRESS SOMETHING."
THAT'S WHAT HE COULD HAVE DONE IF HE WANTED TO "TALK"
AND RECONNECT... RIGHT?

BLOCKING ME YET AGAIN SAYS OTHERWISE, RIGHT?

SAYS: YES, I AM A COWARD. I RUN AWAY.
I DON'T ADDRESS MY ISSUES.

I MAKE EXCUSES AND EXPECT YOU TO ACCEPT THAT BS.

THAT'S WHAT HE TRIED TO PULL.

BECAUSE HE THOUGHT I WAS ON THAT BS. 

HE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE EASY:
"JUST BE NICE TO HER, SHE'LL TRUST YOU."

FK THAT. YOU SHOWED ME WHAT YOU WANTED TO DO.
YOU CHOSE TO DO IT.

YOU CAN'T BE LIKE: "I FORGOT."

BECAUSE I NEVER MATTERED TO YOU ENOUGH TO "REMEMBER"
TO JUST BE FKN DECENT WITH ME. FFS.

WTF IS THAT? WHY'D I WANT TO GO BACK TO THAT?

AND NO, I'M NOT HOLDING A GRUDGE AGAINST THAT DUDE. 
I WASN'T. I JUST LEFT HIM ALONE.
BECAUSE HE WANTED TO FKN DISCARD ME.
SO I LET "THAT HAPPEN."
MOVED ON....

THEN "BOOM"?! WTF?
"REMEMBER ME?"

YEAH.... AND I REMEMBER HOW YOU TREATED ME.
LIKE A FKN OPTION. 

HE'S ONLY "SORRY" BECAUSE HE REALIZES
I WOULDN'T HAVE PLAYED THE SAME FKN GAMES HE PLAYED WITH ME.

AND KEPT TRYING TO FKN PLAY WITH ME...

LIKE I WOULD GO BACK TO THAT SHIT... 

WHY?

YOU THINK I'M A "SWING AROUND 12 YEARS LATER" GIRL?
WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?

AND WHO TF DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!!!

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT PROBABLY WAS?

SOME OTHER GUY SAYING TO HIM: "I'D TAP THAT."
MADE HIM FEEL A TYPE OF WAY.

ENOUGH TO "CASUALLY SAY HELLO."
LIKE NOTHING EVER FKN HAPPENED!

LIKE HE THINKS I'M A "SWING BACK AROUND 12 YEARS LATER" GIRL!!!!!
I DESERVED BETTER THE FIRST FKN TIME AROUND!

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT KIND OF GIRL I AM.

NOT WHATEVER TF HE THOUGHT I WAS!

YOU THINK THERE AREN'T PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT ME?
I FKN KNEW THAT SH*T A LONG TIME AGO. 
I DIDN'T THINK ANYONE WOULD, BUT DAMN!

BUT HOW MANY OF THE PEOPLE WHO TALK ABOUT ME....
KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME?

HOW MANY? ANY? FK NO.

BECAUSE THE PEOPLE WHO KNOW ME....
WOULDN'T BE TALKING ABOUT ME.

THEY KNOW ME BETTER THAN THAT. 
BECAUSE THEY ACTUALLY KNOW ME. 

FEW DO, FEW.

BECAUSE I HAVE TO SEE HOW PEOPLE MOVE.
BECAUSE THEY DECIDE HOW THEY WANT TO MOVE. 

If they are smart, they wouldn't move any BS WAY WITH ME.
BECAUSE THEY LEARN ABOUT ME....
I'M NOT ABOUT BS WITH THEM. 

THEY REMEMBER HOW I DID FK ALL TO THEM.
EVEN AFTER THEY DRIVE TEN SWORDS IN MY BACK.
AND THREE IN MY HEART.

AND EVERY FKN EXCUSE GIVEN TO ME:
"A***, YOU'RE STILL NOT WORTH THE HONESTY FROM ME."

THEN... WHAT ARE YOU WORTH TO ME, 
IF I CAN'T HAVE HONESTY FROM YOU?

WHEN YOU KNEW THAT'S WHAT I WANTED.
"A***, YOU WEREN'T XYZ I TRIED TO MAKE YOU OUT TO BE."
YOU'RE RIGHT. I WASN'T. 
BUT HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT?
YOU BELIEVED IT.
BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT IT?

YEAH, I CAN BE A B*TCH....
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M A B*TCH WHEN YOU CROSS THE FKN LINE.

NOT FOR NO FKN REASON. 

IF I WAS A B*TCH JUST "FOR THE FUN OF IT"
THEN I'D ACTUALLY BE A B*TCH!

BUT I'M A B*TCH WHEN I'M JUST TELLING THE FKN TRUTH!
THAT NOBODY WANTS TO FKN HEAR!
OH FKN WELL!

YOU MAKE ME LOVE MY SOLITUDE....
AFTER DISCARDING ME?
THEN GUESS WHAT? 
I'D PREFER IT!

(TO BE DISCARDED AGAIN BECAUSE OF IT TOO)!
NOT SURPRISED!

BEING ALONE VS BS.
MY CHOICE.

PUSHED INTO THAT CHOICE, BUT STILL A CHOICE. 
BECAUSE WHY CHOOSE BS?

BUT THE FKN AUDACITY:
TO TREAT ME LIKE SH*T....
BLAME ME FOR HIS "EXIT"
BECAUSE I KEPT FKN TELLING HIM... 
AND HE REFUSED TO LISTEN... 

(BUT OF COURSE! WHY LISTEN?!)
BECAUSE IT'S TOO REAL, TRUE, AND RAW?!
CAN'T TAKE THAT MUCH HONESTY?
IT FEELS LIKE GETTING SLAPPED IN THE FACE?
WITH THE TRUTH?

THAT'S WHAT IT'S SUPPOSED TO FKN FEEL LIKE!!!!!

IT WAS A SLAP IN MY FKN FACE, WASN'T IT?

SO I'M RETURNING THE FAVOR, B*TCH @SS PUNK!

YOU KNOW WHY HE DIDN'T WANT FORGIVENESS?
BECAUSE HE ACTUALLY REALIZED FK ALL.

BECAUSE HAD HE ACTUALLY REALIZED, 
HE WOULD HAVE TAKEN ACCOUNTABILITY, 
MADE A REAL APOLOGY!

EVEN FKN PUBLICLY!!!!!

BUT NO. YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE "IF IT HAPPENED LIKE THAT.... I'M SORRY..."
IS THE CLOSEST I'D GET. 

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I GOT.
AFTER FKN EXCUSES.

RIGHT?
DID I DESERVE FKN EXCUSES?

OR DID I DESERVE FKN HEARTFELT, ACTUAL HONESTY?
DID I NEED HIM TO BEG ME FOR FORGIVENESS? FK NO.

BUT IF THAT'S WHAT HE WANTED, HE MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN IT.
AT LEAST THAT.

I CAN FORGIVE, IF SOMEONE ACTUALLY REGRETS THE THINGS THEY DID.

BUT "IF IT HAPPENED LIKE THAT... I'M SORRY."
IS LIKE SAYING: "I WANT YOU TO DOUBT YOUR REALITY."
LIKE FK I WILL. 
I KNOW WTF HAPPENED. 
I WAS THERE.
YOU DID THAT SHIT TO ME, FKER.
TO ME.

AND CHOSE TO!

BECAUSE.... YOU COULD HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO!

RIGHT!

LIKE I HAD. I HAD CHOSEN NOT TO.
BECAUSE I WASN'T DOING THAT SHIT.

"NOW YOU CAN'T TELL ME THE TRUTH ABOUT MYSELF
BECAUSE THAT'S TOXIC...."

"BLOCK YOU AGAIN."
AND I CARE? GO LIVE YOUR LIFE THE WAY YOU WANTED TO!
WITHOUT ME! FKER!

I CAN LIVE MINE WITHOUT YOU!
PUSHED INTO IT BECAUSE YOU "BLOCKED ME"
THE FIRST TIME 12 YEARS AGO.

FOR TELLING YOU, THEN, TOO. 

YOU THINK I WAS JUST GOING TO FKN LET YOU BACK IN?
LIKE I'M A "SWING BACK AROUND 12 YEARS LATER" GIRL?

EXCUSE ME? WHO ARE YOU?

SOMEONE I USED TO KNOW! 
THAT'S WHO!

AND WHY? YOU DISCARDED ME!
THAT'S WHY!

YOU FKN THINK I'M GOING TO BE LIKE:
"LET'S BE FRIENDS!" ?
SO YOU CAN DO ME LIKE YOU DID ME BEFORE?

WTF? 
WHAT KIND OF BS IS THAT SH*T?

"I realized I made mistakes." YEAH YOU DID!
BUT YOU CHOSE TO "MAKE THOSE MISTAKES"!

AND WHATEVER BS EXCUSE YOU TRY TO THROW AT ME....
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO DO?

MAKE ME WANT TO TRUST YOU?
WTF?

LIKE A FKN RED FLAG IN EVERY MESSAGE.
THERE WEREN'T MANY.

HAD TO SHUT THAT SH*T DOWN. 

"I MADE MISTAKES."
YOU MADE CHOICES.
YOU CHOSE. 

YOU CHANGING YOUR MIND
ONLY TELLS ME YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND.

DOESN'T SAY YOU REALIZED MUCH
IF YOU DO THE SAME THING YOU WERE DOING....

RIGHT?

IF THE ROLES WERE REVERSED... SERIOUSLY...
IF THEY WERE... 

AND I HAD TREATED HIM IN THE WAYS HE TREATED ME...
AND DID THE BS THINGS THAT HE DID TO ME....
FOR THE BS REASONS HE DID THOSE THINGS....

AND THEN DISCARDED HIM....
AND HE LEFT ME ALONE TO LIVE MY LIFE
AND TO ENJOY "ALL MY OPTIONS AND BS"
WHOEVER WOULD STROKE MY EGO.... 
(IF I WANTED THAT. I DON'T).

BUT HAD IT BEEN REVERSED....
AND I HAD DISCARDED HIM... 

AND TRY TO POP UP 12 YEARS LATER... 
AND BE LIKE: "IF IT HAD HAPPENED LIKE THAT... I'M SORRY."
"SORRY YOU FEEL LIKE I TREATED YOU HORRIBLY.
I DID XYZ BECAUSE BS EXCUSE..."

"BUT LET'S TALK. YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT."

I DIDN'T BACK THEN EITHER! YOU KNEW THAT!
COULD HAVE TALKED TO ME THEN!

BUT YOU DIDN'T BECAUSE XYZ EXCUSE.

BECAUSE SOMEONE SAID SOMETHING AND I JUDGED YOU.
BECAUSE I OVERLOOKED YOU.
BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU'D BE NOTHING.
BECAUSE I THOUGHT XYZ AND BELIEVED IT WAS TRUE.
BECAUSE WHOEVER WANTED ME TO THINK WHATEVER ABOUT YOU... 

LOTS OF FKD UP REASONS PEOPLE THINK IT'S "OKAY"
TO TREAT ME LIKE SH*T... 

THEN COME BACK 12 YEARS LATER?

BETTER THAN NOT AT ALL, 
BUT NOT FOR THE RIGHT FKN REASONS....

IF YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY SEEKING FORGIVENESS
FOR FKN WRONGING ME.

"I DISCARDED YOU LIKE TRASH. BUT... LET'S TALK."
WHY WOULD I WANT TO?

HAVE YOU BEEN IN MY LIFE FOR THE LAST 12 YEARS?
WHERE WERE YOU?

YOU WERE FKING AROUND DOING WHATEVER....
MUCH LIKE WHEN I WAS INTERESTED, RIGHT?

BECAUSE YOU WANTED ME TO BOW TO YOU?
BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO HUMBLE ME?

WHEN PEOPLE WHO FKN NEED HUMBLING
DON'T KNOW WHERE I FKN STAND ANYWAY?

YOU'D NEED TO KNOW ME TO HUMBLE ME.
I CHECK MYSELF.

I KNOW BETTER THAN TO TREAT SOMEONE
THE FKN WAY I WAS TREATED. 

BECAUSE IF THEY WANTED TO ACTUALLY TALK, 
ALL THEY HAD TO DO WAS TALK. 

BUT WHEN IT GOT TOO REAL?
THEN WHAT?

JUST LIKE LAST TIME?
BECAUSE "I WASN'T WORTH IT" THEN? RIGHT?

BUT WORTH SAYING "HELLO" TO FKN 12 YEARS LATER?

WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE?

"A***, IF YOU GET TOO REAL WITH ME AGAIN... I'LL JUST BLOCK YOU."
DO IT! BLOCKING YOURSELF FROM ME IS A GOOD THING.

IT MEANS YOU FKED OFF!

BECAUSE WHAT WAS SO IMPORTANT THAT YOU WANTED TO SAY....
THAT YOU DIDN'T FKN SAY IT?

I SAID MY PIECE, RIGHT?
LIKE I HAD A RIGHT TO DO!

BECAUSE I HAVE A RIGHT TO FEEL HOW I FKN FELT!
AFTER THAT SH*T!

HE FKN WOULD HAVE, TOO!

Insane To Me

It's been a weird week. To say the least. 

I never thought that dude would ever be all like:
"I'm just saying hello." After 12 years... 

It's LIKE A SLAP IN THE FACE, ACTUALLY.

IT'S NOT ABOUT APOLOGIZING TO ME
OR HE FKN WOULD HAVE.

IT'S BECAUSE HE SEES MY "VALUE"
AND REALIZES HE'S MISSING OUT.

THAT'S WHY.

NOT BECAUSE HE'S SORRY
FOR TREATING ME THE WAY HE FKN DID....

BECAUSE HE TRIED TO JUSTIFY IT...
"YOU WERE TOXIC, MANIPULATIVE, AND VOLATILE."
"I HAD TO BLOCK YOU."

THEN WHY TF TRY TO COME BACK AND TALK TO ME?

THAT'S WHAT I GOT AFTER 12 YEARS:
YOU WERE XYZ.... NO. I WASN'T. 

YOU THOUGHT I WAS....
AND TREATED ME LIKE SH*T.
AND I DIDN'T DESERVE THAT. 

NOW THAT YOU REALIZE THAT, 
NOW YOU WANT TO COME BACK, 
BUT COMING BACK INSULTING ME, 
ISN'T ACKNOWLEDGING ANYTHING. 

It's gross and funny to me. 

It's gross because nothing says "I want something from you"
Like "YOU'RE IN AN INTERESTING LINE OF WORK, THAT'S AWESOME."

YOU KNOW VERY FKN LITTLE ABOUT ME.

WHY? BECAUSE:
YOU GHOSTED ME 12 YEARS AGO.
THAT'S WHY.

I'M DEAD TO YOU, REMEMBER?
DEAD PEOPLE DON'T COME BACK TO LIFE. 

I guess he shouldn't have judged me based on his assumptions about me....
RIGHT?

I guess he should have given me a real chance
WHEN I WAS GIVING HIM A REAL CHANCE. 

I guess he should have been FAIR to me, 
RIGHT?

But that's what that means:

"I'm dead to you. YOU GHOSTED ME 12 YEARS AGO."

NOW LET ME RIP. LOL.

Why do dudes want me after that?
AFTER THEY ALREADY REJECTED ME, 
ACTED FKN HORRENDOUSLY... 

IN WAYS THAT... HAD I ACTED LIKE THAT... 
THEY'D WANT TO BE WITH ME?
I FKN THINK NOT!

And if they DID, IF I acted like that....
THEY'D HAVE NO RESPECT FOR THEMSELF. 

ENOUGH RESPECT TO KNOW:

1) I DON'T WANT THIS SH*T
2) I DON'T NEED THIS SH*T
3) WTF IS THIS SH*T?
4) FK THIS SH*T.

JUST THAT.

I SHOULDN'T FKN HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO ANYONE
WTF THEY ARE DOING WRONG. 

THEY FKN KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING. 

YOU CHOOSE TO PLAY, 
THEN... YOU PAY. 
IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER... 

AND SINCE I'M NOT A "REVENGE" PERSON... 
ALL I'VE BEEN DOING IS LIVING MY LIFE!!!!!
WITHOUT MANY PEOPLE WHO "DIDN'T WANT TO BE IN IT."
UNTIL I'M "DOING WELL WITHOUT THEM."

UNTIL THEY REALIZE I HAVE CERTAIN VALUES
THEY OVERLOOKED
BECAUSE THEY NEVER TOOK THE TIME
TO FKN GET TO KNOW ME. 

That stings, at the time, but who am I to....
TRY TO SHOVE MYSELF IN SOMEONE'S FACE?
OPEN THEIR EYES
AND MAKE THEM
SEE ANYTHING
ABOUT ME?

IS THAT MY JOB?

OR CAN CERTAIN THINGS ABOUT ME
JUST SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES?

You know what it made me think of?

My friend who passed away... 
Put in a word for me or something "up there"
A*** NEEDS JUSTICE.

Because HE was the one I took to the SHOW
I HAD FKN GOT TICKETS FOR....
FOR THAT FKN DUDE.... 

BUT ENDED UP TAKING MY FRIEND WHO PASSED AWAY
INSTEAD OF THAT DUDE.

LIKE SOMEHOW... 
I'M GETTING SOMETHING "BACK" FOR ALL OF THAT. 

BUT, IT FEELS LIKE IT'S MY FRIEND HELPING ME WITH THAT ONE.


WHAT FKN BUGS ME IS I MET THAT DUDE WHEN I WAS 16.
I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH HIM. 
I CONSIDERED HIM A FRIEND. 

NEVER SAW IT COMING.
THAT HE WOULD TREAT ME THE WAY HE DID.

THAT WAS THE WHOLE REASON WHY I GAVE HIM A CHANCE
IN THE FIRST PLACE. 

HE TREATED ME DECENTLY AT SCHOOL. 

I WAS ALREADY IN A RELATIONSHIP WHEN I MET HIM. 
BUT HE ALREADY DID WHAT HE DID
SO EVEN IF WE WERE BOTH SINGLE NOW, 
THERE IS "NO PATH TOWARDS RECONNECTION"

BECAUSE WHEN HE GHOSTED ME:
I BECAME DEAD TO HIM. 

THE BRIEF CONTACT I HAD WITH HIM:
WORDS BEYOND THE GRAVE.
THAT'S IT. 

DOESN'T MEAN I'M POPPING OUT OF MY "GRAVE"
AND JUMPING ON GIVING HIM A CHANCE. 

And for him to THINK THAT I WOULD
IS FKN INSANE TO ME. 

Unseen

When I was right there, who saw me? 

WHY TREAT ME LIKE I DIDN'T MATTER....
THEN REAPPEAR?

I replied to the guy.
I told him that I would rather connect with people 
WHO ARE HONEST AND TREAT ME WITH THE RESPECT
AND CONSIDERATION I DESERVE. 

He wasn't honest with me.
He stood me up constantly.
WHEN I WAS UPSET ABOUT THAT....
WHAT DID HE DO?
HE DEFLECTED.

HE TREATED EVERY CONVO
ABOUT HOW I FELT
LIKE AN ARGUMENT... 

NO, I WILL NOT ARGUE ABOUT HOW I FEEL AND WHY.

THAT IS NOT AN ARGUMENT TO "WIN."
IT'S ME TELLING YOU, POINT-BLANK
HOW TF I FEEL
ABOUT HOW YOU ARE TREATING ME. 

THAT'S WHAT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.

THAT IS WHAT IT IS TO AN EMOTIONALLY MATURE PERSON!
A CONVERSATION. 

INFO TO CONSIDER... 
THAT'S IT.

So if I tell someone:
"I'm upset about xyz....."
It's not another opportunity to SH*T ON ME.

There is a lot about me that most people
DON'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND.

AND TELLING THEM A BILLION TIMES
IS NOT GOING TO MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND.

IT IS NOT MY FAULT IF THEY DON'T. 
OR CAN'T... 

So he replied to my reply... I have not read it.
I don't really WANT to.

HIS CASUAL APPROACH P*SSED ME OFF!

ACKNOWLEDGE WTF YOU DID, TO START... 
THAT MIGHT HELP... A BIT. 

NOT THAT IT HELPS A LOT OR FIXES ANYTHING.

Why would it? Does it CHANGE ANYTHING? NO?

SO WHY WOULD THAT FIX IT?

WHAT WOULD HAVE FIXED IT.....
WAS NOT BEING A D*CK TO ME.
JUST THAT.

When I give some dude a chance
NOT TO BE A D*CK TO ME......

MAYBE.... HE SHOULDN'T BE A D*CK!

I DGAF IF IT MAKES ME SEEM "COLD"
FOR NOT WANTING TO REOPEN A DOOR
SOMEONE SLAMMED IN THEIR OWN FACE.

IF I DID THAT, COULD I EXPECT THAT?
FROM THEM?

I COULD HOPE ALL I WANTED TO....
BUT I COULDN'T EXPECT FK ALL!

So what did he expect from me?

FOR ME TO FORGET?
THE THINGS HE SAID?

BS? NOPE.

SWEEP IT UNDER THE RUG?
NOPE.

As much as I did TOLERATE....
I NEVER FKN HAD TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE I DIDN'T NEED THE VALIDATION!

But..... HOW I FELT WAS VALID! WAS REAL!!!!!
WAS FOR MANY REASONS... 

SO... BECAUSE THAT BS CONTINUED....
THERE WAS NO POINT CONTINUING TO TRY ANYMORE.

That sh*t was UNCOOL. 
UNFAIR, TOO. 

Here's something, though... 
I WAS BEING UNFAIR TO MYSELF.... 
BY NOT WALKING AWAY THE FIRST TIME.
BY TOLERATING SH*T I NEVER SHOULD HAVE... 
BY CARING ABOUT PEOPLE
WHO DID NOT CARE ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CARING ABOUT SOMEONE
DOESN'T MAKE THEM CARE ABOUT YOU!

THEY EITHER DO, OR THEY DON'T. 

THAT SIMPLE! RIGHT?

If they keep showing you THEY DON'T CARE, THEY FKN DON'T!

LESSON I HAD TO LEARN.... IT SUCKS. 

Because.... It would be cool if care was reciprocal. 

APPRECIATED TOO!!!!! 

But someone from 12 years ago.... 
Who had that opportunity 12 years ago... 

Doesn't get to look at A*** 4.0 and say: "Yeah! I want that!"

Especially AFTER REJECTING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!

OKAY! COOL! DON'T WANT ME? I AM OKAY WITH THAT.
BUT..... DON'T FKN PLAY GAMES!
FAIR????!!!!

I THINK THAT'S FKN FAIR!

And after I told him that I wanted to live my life.... 
HE WROTE BACK!
I HAVE NOT READ IT.
I DON'T REALLY WANT TO.

BECAUSE HE HAD HIS OPPORTUNITY.
HE DIDN'T WANT IT.

WHEN I WANTED TO RECONNECT.

SO THIS IS ABOUT WHAT HE WANTS.....
I ALREADY TOLD HIM.....
I JUST WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE.

IF HE WANTED TO JUST LET ME.....
HE WOULDN'T CONTACT ME!
ESPECIALLY APPROACHING ME INSULTINGLY... 

"LONG TIME NO SEE!"

LIKE OLD FRIENDS.... 

THAT'S NOT HOW IT ENDED.

HAD IT ENDED THAT WAY, 
I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO!!!!!

I WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY TO HEAR FROM HIM!
INSTEAD OF FEELING THE WAY I FELT....
YESTERDAY AND TODAY.

It's not like I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT HIM SINCE THEN.... 
BUT THOSE WERE FLEETING THOUGHTS.

AND SOME THOUGHTS I HAD TO PUSH AWAY.
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT HIM. 

I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT ANY OF THAT. 

SHOULDN'T HAVE TRIED TO RECONNECT WITH HIM. 
SHOULD HAVE LEFT HIM IN THE PAST. 

I DID TRY TO RECONNECT WITH HIM, BACK THEN.....
BECAUSE I THOUGHT HE WAS A DECENT DUDE
WHO WOULD TREAT ME DECENTLY.....

NOT BECAUSE I FKN WANTED ANYTHING FROM HIM.
JUST BASIC FKN RESPECT. 
BASIC CONSIDERATION. 

SHOULD I HAVE TO BEG FOR THOSE THINGS?
CONSTANTLY? YES OR NO?

BECAUSE IF SOMEONE EXPECTS ME TO BEG FOR THAT... 
THEY CAN FK RIGHT OFF!

WOULD THEY WANT TO BEG ME FOR THAT? YES OR NO?

THAT'S THE POINT.

Maybe, Maybe Not

I can't expect certain people to SEE what I do.
THE THINGS I SEE AND HOW I SEE THEM.

They won't look at themselves. 
They wanted to project BS onto me. 

They didn't consider that in the last 12 years....
I HAVE CHANGED.

I KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT.
WHY GO BACK WHEN THERE WAS NOTHING TO GO BACK TO?

I didn't know what to expect when I was in it...
Because what I thought I could expect...
Was totally opposite to what I actually experienced.

If I had known that it was going to be a load of BS....
I probably wouldn't have invested and wasted my time.

BUT I HAD GOOD INTENTIONS. 

I SOMEHOW THOUGHT IF I KEPT TRYING, 
THEY MIGHT SEE ME FOR ME, BUT THEY DIDN'T!

I doubt anyone will see me for me...

IF THEY CAN'T SEE PAST THEIR EGO....
HOW WOULD THEY BE ABLE TO SEE ME FOR ME?

Nothing changed. I'd be going back to the same SH*T.

WHY WOULD IT HAVE CHANGED?
THEY DON'T REFLECT!

ON WHAT I SAID, BACK THEN....
WHY WOULD THEY NOW?

Treated me like I was the one who was "unaware."
Like I was the one who was "emotionally immature."

FK THAT.

No, I won't take responsibility for anyone's IMMATURITY.
NOT EVEN WHEN THEY TRY TO PUT THEIR SH*T ON ME.

THEY DID THAT SH*T FOR TOO LONG. 

LONG ENOUGH FOR ME TO SEE ALL OF IT.

And because I saw it.... I see it.
I can't UNSEE IT.

"Hopefully we can reconnect...."
WHY? SO YOU CAN TRY PROJECTING ONTO ME SOME MORE?
BECAUSE THAT'S ALL THAT DUDE DID.

And he finds me on LinkedIn because he can't find me on FB.

I might have even blocked him on there... 

I definitely blocked MIRROR SMASHER.

When you learn that you never had to accept or tolerate ANY BS, 
YOU BECOME VERY UNINTERESTED IN BS!

YOU LEARN: "FK THIS BS! I AM DONE!"
AND YOU STAY DONE.

NOT EVEN MAD. JUST DONE!

Because... IF SOMEONE WANTS TO FK UP, 
I CAN LET THEM FK UP.

IF THEY DO FK UP, THAT'S ON THEM.

BECAUSE.... THEY HAD.... A CHANCE....
NOT TO FK UP!

Do they need A BILLION CHANCES NOT TO FK UP?
Maybe a few... Maybe JUST ONE.

YOU DECIDE.

THEY DON'T.

IT'S BEEN 12 YEARS FOR A REASON.
MAYBE THEY COULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT IT
12 FKN YEARS AGO.....

WHEN I WAS TELLING THEM!!!!!
AND THEY WERE PROJECTING!!!!!

AND NOT THINKING OR CARING:
MAYBE SHE WON'T WANT TO COME BACK!!!!!

WELP, I DON'T!