Laugh About It

That's what I do when people try to provoke me now.
I LAUGH ABOUT IT.

BECAUSE THEY PROVOKE ME TO GET A REACTION.
WHAT REACTION DO THEY WANT?

THEY WANT ME TO "LOSE MY SH*T"
TO TALK ABOUT MY "REACTION."

If you don't give them ANYTHING, 
THEY GET NOTHING TO "TALK ABOUT."

Did I used to react? More than I do now?
FK YES. THEY KEPT DOING THAT SH*T.

Do you know what PROVOCATION IS?
IT'S: MANIPULATION. 

LIKE WHEN MIRROR SMASHER DID THAT SH*T.

SMASHING MY MIRROR WAS TO PROVOKE ME.
ALL THE SH*T HE DID WAS TO GET ME TO KICK HIM OUT, TOO.
ALL THE BS GAMES HE PLAYED.

"A***'S A B*TCH! SHE KICKED ME OUT!"

WAS HE ACTING LIKE HE EVEN WANTED TO BE THERE?
NO?

IF HE DIDN'T WANT TO FKN BE THERE....
DID HE HAVE TO FKN BE THERE? NO????

BUT HE DID THAT SH*T JUST TO CALL ME A B*TCH
FOR DOING IT.

AND NO, YOU CANNOT PLAY IN MY FACE
AND ACT LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO BE THERE....

AND THEN CALL ME A B*TCH
FOR TELLING YOU TO F*CK RIGHT OFF.

BECAUSE HE WOULD HAVE KEPT DOING THAT SH*T.
WALKING ALL OVER ME
IN MY OWN HOME. 

SO FK HIM AND FK THAT.

BUT WILL HE SAY: I WAS WALKING ALL OVER HER!?
WILL HE SAY: I KEPT PROVOKING HER?
WILL HE SAY: I WAS BEING A FKTARD TO HER?
WILL HE TELL THE TRUTH? NO.

BECAUSE HE "HAD TO" SOMEHOW.....
"MAKE" ME INTO THE "B*TCH"

FOR TELLING HIM TO LEAVE!

THEN.... ACCUSED ME OF STEALING HIS THINGS?
THAT HE REFUSED TO COME GET TF OUT OF MY HOME?

SO THAT I COULD MOVE ON?
IMMEDIATELY?

LIKE I HAD A RIGHT TO DO?

These are the GAMES people LOVE to try to PLAY WITH ME.

JUST TO TRY TO "MAKE" ME "THE PROBLEM."

DID I KICK HIM OUT FOR "NO REASON"? 
OR DID I HAVE A GOOD FKN REASON?

WHEN 12 YEAR DISCARD CAME AROUND AFTER 12 YEARS....
DID I TELL HIM OFF FOR "NO REASON"?
OR DID I HAVE A REASON?

BUT TELLING HIM OFF MADE ME "TOXIC."

THEY "NEED" SOMETHING....
TO POINT AT.

WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE MY SIDE.
WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE WHY I "REACTED" THAT WAY.

JUST: "SHE KICKED ME OUT."
"SHE TOLD ME OFF."

ALWAYS WHAT I DID.
NEVER WHAT THEY DID.

THAT WAS PROVOKED..... 
THEY USE IT..... TO POINT TO ME.

NOT AT THEMSELVES.
BECAUSE THEY NEVER TELL ABOUT ANYTHING
THAT MAKES THEM "LOOK BAD."

NOTHING THAT MAKES PEOPLE SAY:
"NO SH*T SHE KICKED YOU OUT!"
"NO SH*T SHE TOLD YOU OFF!"

SHE HAD A REASON!!!!!!!!

THEY NEVER SAY WHAT THE REASON WAS.

"I WAS PLAYING IN HER FACE TO P*SS HER OFF."
"I P*SSED HER OFF TOO MANY TIMES."
"SHE LOST HER PATIENCE WITH ME WHEN I PUSHED HER TOO FAR."
"I CROSSED THE LINE."
"I REFUSED TO GET MY THINGS OUT OF HER HOUSE."
"I WAS TOO SCARED TO GET MY THINGS OUT OF HER HOUSE."
"I WAS TOO SCARED BECAUSE I PUSHED HER TOO FAR."
"I GHOSTED HER AND TRIED TO COME BACK 12 YEARS LATER
LIKE I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO HER."

AMONG OTHER THINGS THEY COULD BE SAYING.
BUT? IT MAKES THEM "LOOK BAD."

THEY WANT TO "POINT" AT ME TO TARNISH MY REPUTATION.
THEY DON'T WANT TO TARNISH THEIR OWN.

BY ADMITTING TO XYZ,

That's partly why I write about it.
Because I add the parts THAT THEY WON'T SAY.

NOT THAT I "CARE" THAT I DIDN'T GET THE "RESPECT"
THAT I COULD HAVE HAD....

BUT... MORE LIKE.... I LOST RESPECT FOR THOSE
WHO DON'T TELL THE FKN TRUTH
OF HOW THEY ACTED TOWARD ME.
AND ABOUT WHAT THEY DID
BEFORE I "REACTED."

THEY WON'T SAY: "I KEPT INSULTING HER!"
"I KEPT TAKING HER FOR GRANTED!"
"I KEPT BEING A FKTARD!"

"I TREATED HER THE WAY SHE NEVER DESERVED
TO BE TREATED! ESPECIALLY BY ME!"

"SOMEONE SHE TRUSTED NOT TO XYZ!"

"TRUSTED TO EVEN HAVE IN HER HOUSE!"

WHY WOULD I NOT BE SCARED TO BE "ALONE"???? HMMM?

BECAUSE I'D RATHER BE "ALONE"
THAN "DEAL" WITH FKTARDATION. 

AND BE EXPECTED TO "DEAL" WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY WOULD I WANT TO?
WOULD YOU?
NO?

YOU WOULDN'T?
ESPECIALLY FROM ME?

SOMEONE WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE LOYAL?
AND WOULD HAVE BEEN?

IF YOU HAD BEEN LOYAL TO ME? HMMM???

SUPPOSED TO GO BOTH WAYS!!!!!!! HMMM!

LIKE: "I RESPECT A*** ENOUGH NOT TO:

PLAY GAMES!
BE A FKTARD!
INSULT HER CONSTANTLY!

"

IF YOU ARE "UNSURE" ABOUT ME....
FINE!

BUT..... DON'T FK ME AROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CAN PEOPLE DO THAT? AT LEAST??????

BECAUSE THEY WERE SCARED?????
OF SH*T NOT WORKING OUT?????

HOW WERE THEY SUPPOSED TO??????
DID I GET A FAIR FKN SHOT? EVER?????????

SO HOW WOULD THEY KNOW??????
IF IT WOULD HAVE?????

TOO BUSY BEING A FKTARD
TO SEE ANYTHING GOOD ABOUT ME.

"I'LL PUSH HER TO CREATE RED FLAGS THAT AREN'T THERE."
SO HER "REACTION" TO MY SH*T WILL BE
THE "DECIDING FACTOR."

"I'LL P*SS HER OFF UNTIL SHE DOES SOMETHING!"
"I'LL INSULT HER UNTIL SHE GETS MAD!"

AND WHEN SHE DOES GET MAD.....
I WON'T TELL ANYONE I INSULTED TF OUT OF HER!!!!!!!!!

DID HE HAVE TO INSULT ME?
OR COULD HE HAVE JUST RESPECTED ME
ENOUGH NOT TO??????????

HMMM.

IT'S SO FKN JUVENILE AND GROSS, THOUGH.
NOT ATTRACTIVE TO ME AT ALL.

WOULD IT BE ATTRACTIVE TO YOU?

THAT THEY CAN'T TELL THE TRUTH?
ABOUT WHAT THEY EVEN DID TO YOU?

TO "CAUSE" A "REACTION"
THAT THEY INTENDED TO CAUSE?

WILL THEY SAY WHY THEY INTENDED TO DO IT?
AND PURPOSEFULLY DID THAT SH*T? TO ME?
NO?

WHY NOT? THEY COULD PLAY THOSE GAMES, RIGHT?

THEY CAN'T SAY WHY THEY DID?????

"I WAS SCARED OF MAKING A MISTAKE."

"I WAS SCARED OF FEELING ANYTHING FOR HER."

"IN CASE" A*** WAS GOING TO "HURT ME" SOMEHOW.
OR DO THE EXACT SAME SH*T TO ME
THAT I DID TO HER.

BUT.... DID I DO THAT SH*T????? DID I????
WHY NOT????

BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO?
BECAUSE I'M NOT THE "PROBLEM"

THEY WANTED A "REASON" TO WALK AWAY!
SO THEY CREATED ONE.....
MY "REACTION" TO THEIR SH*T.

BECAUSE THEY COULD TALK ABOUT THE REACTION
LIKE IT FKN CAME OUT OF NOWHERE
FOR NO FKN REASON
WHATSOEVER.

THAT'S WHY.

NOT BECAUSE THERE ACTUALLY WAS A "REASON."
AND THEY KNEW IT....
SO THEY HAD TO "CREATE" ONE....

TO SAY: "THIS IS WHY."

DOES IT P*SS ME OFF? YEAH.

BECAUSE THAT WAS THE REASON.
NOT BECAUSE THERE ACTUALLY WAS A REASON. 

JUST "POKE POKE POKE POKE POKE POKE POKE"
UNTIL?

"SEE?" 

BUT WILL THEY TELL ANYONE THEY POKED TF OUT OF ME?
CONSTANTLY?????

THEY ARE TERRIFIED.... OF ME PULLING THE RUG OUT
FROM UNDERNEATH THEM....

WITHOUT KNOWING THAT I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT SH*T.
SO THEY DO THAT SH*T TO ME INSTEAD!

"GET HER BEFORE SHE GETS ME!"

I'M NOT ANYONE WHO EVER DID THEM WRONG! RIGHT?
AM I?

WHO AM I? DO THEY EVEN KNOW WHO TF I AM? NO?
WHY IS THAT?

WHY DO THEY NOT KNOW ME?
TOO BUSY POKING TF OUT OF ME TO KNOW ME.

TOO BUSY PLAYING GAMES TO KNOW ME.

TOO BUSY THINKING: WHAT IF A*** HURTS ME TOO!

WHAT IF A*** NEVER WANTED TO FKN HURT YOU!?
WHAT IF A*** COULD HAVE HELPED YOU OUT!?
WHAT IF A*** ACTUALLY HAD GOOD INTENTIONS THE WHOLE TIME???!!!

BUT HOW WOULD THEY KNOW THAT?

THEY WOULDN'T...
TOO BUSY PLAYING GAMES AND POKING ME.

TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME!

SO YOU CAN'T "PREDICT" WHAT I "MIGHT" OR "COULD" DO....
IF YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW MY INTENTIONS!

JUST "MAKE" ME THE "PROBLEM"
SO YOU DON'T EVER HAVE TO ACTUALLY KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME.

MY INTENTIONS OR ANYTHING ABOUT ME.

WOULD I WANT THEM TO? IF THEY THINK THE WORST?
BEFORE EVEN GETTING TO KNOW ME?

IF THEY ALREADY THINK THE WORST.......
THEY CAN GO TF AHEAD!

IF PEOPLE WANT TO BE WRONG ABOUT ME....
THEY CAN GO TF AHEAD!

BUT.... IF THEY WANT TO BE WRONG ABOUT ME....
THEY CAN FK OFF.

ALL THE WAY OFF.

THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T TRY TO "REACH OUT" TO HIM
AFTER HE GHOSTED ME. 

1) I NEVER WANTED ANYTHING FROM HIM
2) HE'S ALLOWED TO BE WRONG ABOUT ME

EVERYONE IS.

BUT JUST BECAUSE THEY CONVINCED THEMSELVES 
OF XYZ.....

NEVER MEANT THAT WHATEVER TF THEY CONVINCED THEMSELVES
ABOUT ME.... WAS EVER ACCURATE OR TRUE ABOUT ME. 

SO? I DON'T HAVE TO GAF ABOUT THEM CONVINCING THEMSELVES.

THEY DO IT TO HAVE A "REASON"
BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T "FIND" ONE.

THE REASON THEY COULDN'T "FIND" ONE....????
I WASN'T GIVING ANY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DID I DO SH*T IN MY PAST? YEAH?

BUT WHEN WAS THAT????? IN MY 20s????!!!!
WHEN I WASN'T "MATURE" YET?

WHEN I HADN'T LEARNED FROM MY MISTAKES?
WHEN I HADN'T LEARNED ANYTHING ABOUT MYSELF?
WHY I WAS DOING WHAT I WAS DOING?

WHY I WAS MAKING EXCUSES TO DO IT?

BECAUSE.... IF I HAD AN EXCUSE....

MY EXCUSE WOULD BE MY "REASON."

RIGHT?

YOU THINK I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT SH*T?
I HAD A LOT OF TIME TO THINK ABOUT THAT SH*T!!!!!
MY OWN SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND WHY I WAS BEING SH*TTY!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND "IMMATURE."

SO THEN..... MAYBE..... IT'S THEIR TURN.....
TO THINK ABOUT IT. 

BUT IF THEY ALREADY HAD THAT CHANCE....
AND THEY LET THEIR INSECURITIES CONTROL THEM....
OR THEIR EGO....
OR SOMEONE WHO WANTED TO STEER THEM AWAY FROM ME....

FOR THEIR OWN "REASONS"......

THEN? THEY ALLOWED THAT....
AND? THEY ALREADY HAD THE CHANCE NOT TO ALLOW THAT.

PEOPLE HAVE A VERY HARD TIME READING ME. 

VERY. FKN. HARD. TIME.

SO THEY MAKE SH*T UP IN THEIR OWN MINDS ABOUT ME.

BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY BLANKS ABOUT ME.....
THEY DIDN'T TAKE THE TIME....
TO ACTUALLY GET TO KNOW ME.... 
TO KNOW WHAT TO FILL THOSE BLANKS WITH. 

BUT? THEY COULD HAVE ASKED ME. 
COULD HAVE SPOKEN TO ME.

COULD HAVE GOTTEN TO KNOW ME.

INSTEAD OF? POKE POKE POKE POKE POKE.

AND IT USED TO REALLY P*SS ME OFF!!!! 

BECAUSE: IT'S UNFAIR TO THE PERSON GETTING POKED! CONSTANTLY!

Right? Isn't it? Yeah... It is.

Because.... Why do it?

Before I Go To Bed

On my way to go to bed soon. 
Usually, I stay up later than this. 

Working on my stuff. 

The plans I had fell through. 
My buddy couldn't come pick me up.
His car's battery was dead.

He has anti-theft devices on his cars. 
The device drained his battery somehow. 
During the night. 

So we're going to go tomorrow.... Hopefully.

We'll see how it goes. 

But... I gotta get up early. 
See how much we bang out on it. 

If we can make a dent in it, cool. 
Closer to getting it done. 

It's not something that can be banged out in one day.

STRUCTURE FIRST. 
FRAME FIRST.

THEN THE REST. 

Been in the habit of eating something before bed. 

Usually something stupidly easy. 
Like lentils and rice....
Or lentils and onion... 

Something.
It fills me up. 

Makes it easier to sleep. 

I asked my sleep tech friend about eating before bed. 
He said that all it does is slow the metabolism. 
Food digests more slowly when you're sleeping. 

Something like that. 

Maybe weight gain. 

I said I need to gain more weight anyway. 
He said that the best weight to gain is muscle weight. 

I used to have bigger muscles. 

My arms were slightly bigger.

I don't go to a gym. I went a couple of times. 

One time, I was the only female in the gym. 
I went to the water fountain to get a drink of water. 
I heard two dudes talking about me. 
THEY THOUGHT I COULDN'T HEAR THEM.

I DIDN'T WANT TO GO BACK AFTER THAT.

Working out again wouldn't be so bad...
BUT I CAN DO IT AT HOME.

FK GOING TO THE GYM. 

THERE ARE ALL-WOMEN GYMS.
FOR WOMEN ONLY. 

BUT I CAN JUST.... WORK OUT AT HOME.

I saw an apparatus thing... 
It attaches to the wall. 

A chick was doing flips on it and stuff.
Looks really neat.

I could see myself GETTING STUCK
IN SOME OF THE POSITIONS
SHE PUT HERSELF IN. 

IMAGINE? GETTING STUCK?
IN A POSITION?

AND NOT BEING ABLE TO GET DOWN?

SHOUTING: "HELP! I'M STUCK!"
"GET ME DOWN!"

Might help me crack my back, though....

I've seen some stuff people use to crack their backs...

I need a realignment so badly.... Complete adjustment.

Right now, it's fooked. It hurts. 

My fault for cracking my neck. 

Shouldn't have started doing that, ever. 
I fooked it up. 

I had stopped doing it for a while and started again. 

I need to stop again and stay stopped. 

Cracking my neck was never a good idea.

But my posture's been fooked, too. 

Just.... Need at least a few parts cracked. 
But... Realigned. 

Anyway... Maybe one day.... Fkn expensive.

I'm pretty tired tonight, which means I can probably sleep decently.

Hopefully better than the other night. 

My dreams are so fkn WEIRD though hahaha.

The stats on here shot way up... Crazy! 

Don't know how that happened or why.

I keep expecting it to go back down to where it was lol. 

Getting over some disappointments, still, but I will. 

I've gotten over some really FKN HARD things to "get over."
SOME THINGS I DIDN'T THINK I WOULD.
DIDN'T KNOW THAT I COULD.

THINGS THAT STUNG ON MANY LEVELS.
For many reasons.... 

BUT DID I GET OVER THOSE THINGS?

NOT LIKE THEY NEVER HAPPENED!
BECAUSE THEY DID!

It was like....
"I either get over this or I don't."
THOSE WERE MY OPTIONS.

RIGHT?

ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME
IN MY LIFE.

INCLUDING MY FKD UP CHILDHOOD.

MY FATHER'S DEATH... OTHER THINGS....
THINGS THAT HAPPENED BEFORE THAT...
THINGS THAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT....

THINGS THAT EVEN HAPPENED AT THAT TIME...

AND? I WAS 12!

HOW IS A 12-YEAR-OLD....
SUPPOSED TO KNOW HOW TF TO "GET OVER" THAT?

At that time... I went to a bereavement group.
AT THE HOSPITAL.

IT DID HELP, A BIT. 

BUT A LOT OF IT.... I HAD TO DO....
AFTER THAT GROUP WAS OVER.

BECAUSE THAT WAS TEMPORARY. 

It was a good starting point, though. 
It helped while it did.

There are a bunch of groups I'm in. 

One is a group for people who need someone to talk to. 

I met one of my friends from that group.

Anyway.... One guy in there....
Was saying he was thinking.... Of ending it.

I HAVE BEEN THERE.
6 TIMES. 

1) THE WAY I WAS LOOKING AT MYSELF 
AFFECTED HOW I THOUGHT ABOUT MYSELF

2) HOW I THOUGHT ABOUT MYSELF 
AFFECTED HOW I FELT ABOUT MYSELF

3) HOW I FELT ABOUT MYSELF
AFFECTED HOW I LOOKED AT MYSELF

SO I TOLD HIM ABOUT "THE QUOTE."

THE ONE THAT FOLLOWED ME AROUND FOR A WHILE...

"WHEN WE CHANGE THE WAY WE LOOK AT THINGS, 
THE THINGS WE LOOK AT CHANGE."

INCLUDING.... HOW.... WE... LOOK..... AT OURSELVES. 

There was another guy who was saying how his EX
WAS PUTTING IT ALL ON HIM
FOR THEIR BREAKUP.

SO I TOLD HIM.... THE BLAME IS SHARED.
NOT ALL ON HIM, 
BUT NOT ALL ON HER EITHER.

AND PEOPLE WHO PROJECT.... DO IT....
BECAUSE THEY AREN'T READY
TO DEAL WITH THEIR OWN CRAP.

AND IF SHE ISN'T READY TO DEAL WITH HER OWN CRAP....
HOW DOES THAT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM?

AND HOW IT IS EASY TO FEEL SORRY FOR OURSELVES. 
WHEN I DRANK.... IT WAS A WAY TO FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF. 

BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF. 
BETTER THINGS FOR HIM, TOO.

I TOLD HIM THAT.

WHAT DO I DO WITH WHAT IS MY FAULT?
I HAVE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT.

BUT NOT FOR WHAT ISN'T MINE.

THEIRS ARE FOR THEM TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR.

DO I GAF IF THEY DO AT THIS POINT???????

WOULD IT HAVE BEEN NICE IF THEY HAD? YEAH?

BUT IF THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT.....
WILL THEY?

PROBABLY NOT!
THEY AVOID IT.

AND AVOIDING IT.....
DOESN'T MEAN IT BELONGS TO ANYONE 
OTHER THAN THEM. 

WHAT BUGGED ME, THOUGH.....
IS THINKING....
THAT I'D BE THE SAME PERSON
12 YEARS AFTER ALL THAT CRAP.

WHY WOULD I BE?

BUT JUST BECAUSE I ACTIVATED SOME THINGS....
DOESN'T MEAN THAT I WAS DOING ANYTHING ELSE.
OR PLANNING TO DO ANYTHING. 

DO I KNOW THAT I AM ACTIVATING THAT?
WHEN I WASN'T TRYING TO?

I STOPPED TRYING TO!
BECAUSE PEOPLE GET P*SSED OFF
WHEN I ACTIVATE ANYTHING "EMOTIONAL"
BECAUSE THEY CAN'T EVEN SIT WITH THEIR "FEELINGS"
OR THEIR OWN THOUGHTS...

OR THEMSELVES....

SO.... "IT MUST BE A***, NOT ME."

OKAY. THINK THAT. 

Grief & Hope

I slept like crap hahaha. Oh well. 
At least I slept. I did dream.

Had weird dreams. 

I was at a school.
But I was living by the train tracks
and there were wild horses dodging the trains. 

None of them got hit.
"Watch out for the trains!" 
I shouted at them when a train was coming. 
For them to get away from the tracks. 
They did.

The trains sometimes had people riding and fighting
on the roofs of the trains. 

Speaking of that... I saw a morbid video
of a guy getting electrocuted
on an electric train roof. 

He was actually on fire. 
Totally cooking. 

Poor guy. 

Anyway... At the school....
We were around a table... 

We were being taught "self-sufficiency" stuff. 

And there was a guy sitting at the table, next to me
(This is still a dream btw)....
And he whispered to me....
About doing something under the table. 
I won't say what lol.

I had to get him to say it twice. 
Because I didn't think I heard him right the first time. 

I'm waiting for someone to come get me to work with him for the day. 
Just to learn some stuff and help out. 

I haven't heard from him yet. 
I don't know if he's still coming or not. 

Initially, he was going to stay here last night
so we could just go... 
And that he wouldn't have to come pick me up. 

But he had a reason why he "couldn't."
So he opted to come pick me up. 

Anyway, we'll see how that goes. 

Some things have bugged me already. 

I wish some things wouldn't have come up at all. 
If I were a dude, it wouldn't have. 

DUDES DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS LIKE.
FROM OUR END. 

IF THEY DID, THEY WOULDN'T DO IT. 

I'D HOPE!!!! THAT THEY WOULDN'T!!!!
IF THEY KNEW WHAT IT WAS LIKE!!!

ALL the BS dudes did to me....
IF THEY KNEW WHAT IT WAS LIKE.....
WOULD THEY HAVE DONE IT?

I heard from my friend. He had slept in. 
I think he's still coming. 

A later start is okay by me. 
Maybe it'll warm up more. 

It's going to be brisk outside. 
Not looking forward to that part. 

My hands get cold quickly. 
I have some layers on, though. 
That will help. 

I plan on trying to have a nap when I get back. 

I talk with someone who used to be a sleep tech.
He said I should get a sleep test.

He said that some people wake themselves up snoring. 

I did when I was a kid, for sure. Could still be doing it.

But when I was a kid...
I was like: "WTF was that?! Oh! It was me!"

It was at my family's cottage. 
I remember being fkn scared of "whatever tf it was"
that woke me from a dead sleep lol. 

Took me a while to figure out that it was my own snoring lol.

He said it's apnea. That it can be treated. 
And that when people get it treated, they sleep really well.

I asked my neighbor if he could hear me snoring through the wall.
He said he can't. 

When I was preggers, I used to live on the 4th floor.
I had my window open. Having a nap.
People heard me outside lol.

They thought I was a dude to snore that loud LOL.
"Listen to that dude go!" LOL.

I had to tell that guy who invited me out....
WHO ASKED ME IF I'D PUT OUT....
THAT I COULDN'T GO WITH HIM TO DINNER.
AND THAT I AM NOT TRYING TO DATE ANYWAY.

HE SAID: OK.
JUST THAT.

AT LEAST HE DIDN'T GET OVERTLY MAD
ABOUT THAT.
OR GRRR AT ME AGAIN ABOUT IT. 

HE WAS GETTING FRUSTRATED THAT I'M NOT DTF.
THAT'S WHY HE GRRR'D AT ME.

I CAN'T OVERLOOK THINGS LIKE THIS.
ALTHOUGH IT IS A SMALL THING....
SMALL THINGS ADD UP. 

AND IF THERE ARE SMALL THINGS...
THERE COULD BE BIG THINGS. 

TRYING TO AVOID THAT.
SO PUTTING MYSELF OUT THERE.....
WAS PROBABLY NOT A GOOD IDEA...

BUT... I DID THAT. 
CAN'T UNDO IT.

BUT... DID MEET A FEW COOL PEOPLE, THOUGH. 

THAT MAKES UP FOR BEING DISAPPOINTED. 

I do find it flattering, yes, but... 
I think they'd be all over pretty much any female.
Not just me. 

BECAUSE THEY BARELY KNOW ME!

WHY BE ALL OVER SOMEONE YOU DON'T KNOW?!

IF I HAD GONE TO DINNER WITH HIM?
AND HE ALREADY ASKED ME IF I'D PUT OUT?

LITERALLY ASKED ME THAT.

IF I INVITED SOMEONE TO HAVE DINNER WITH ME....
IT'D BE DINNER ONLY. 

WOULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN NICE?
TO HAVE BEEN INVITED TO DINNER ONLY?

WITHOUT BEING ASKED IF I'D "PUT OUT"?
WTF?

If I IGNORE THAT? 
THEN WHAT'S THE NEXT THING?

AND EXPLAINING WHY I'M NOT DTF.....
GETS ME A GRRR? WTF?

COULD HAVE JUST BLOCKED HIM!

BECAUSE: WTF?

AND HE SAID GOOD MORNING TO ME YESTERDAY.
I DIDN'T SAY IT BACK.

AND TODAY HE WAS LIKE: HELLO?
SO I TOLD HIM I CAN'T GO TO DINNER WITH HIM. 
THAT I APPRECIATED THE INVITATION, THOUGH. 

AND SOMEONE... I HAD TO... ASK....
IF HE COULD CALL ME BY MY NAME, 
NOT "BABE" OR "HUN."

IF I'M NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND.....
WHY TF ARE YOU CALLING ME "BABE"????

JUST TO SEE IF I'D LET YOU?

WTF IS THAT SH*T?!

That's not all either... 

And it's been EVERY FKN DAY.
SOMETHING. 

SOME GIRLS HATE THAT SH*T. 
THEY REALLY FKN DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHOULD I HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHY?????
OR..... SHOULD IT BE OBVIOUS?????

Can't dudes treat chicks like PEOPLE?
PEOPLE THEY SHOULDN'T DO THIS SH*T TO?

IS IT SUPPOSED TO BE "ATTRACTIVE"?
IT ISN'T!!!!!!! NOT AT ALL!!!!!!!

AND THE REAL REASON THEY TRY TO PUT THAT SH*T ON ME
IS THAT THEY AREN'T "READY"
TO LEARN FROM THEIR OWN SH*T.

BECAUSE IF THEY DID.......
IT'D BE ON THEM, NOT ME.

FOR THEIR OWN SH*T. 

THE REASON THEY TURN THEIR BACK
IS TO TRY TO GET A REACTION. 

MY REACTION: OKAY, FINE. 
*MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE* 
ALL GOOD.

"IF YOU'RE ALL GOOD, WHY KEEP WRITING ABOUT IT?"

BECAUSE: HE'S NOT THE ONLY FKTARD
WHO EVER PLAYED THOSE GAMES WITH ME. 

AND LOOK HOW HE ACTED....
WHEN I CALLED HIM OUT FOR PLAYING GAMES!!!!!!!!!

HE COULDN'T ADMIT TO IT! RIGHT?
HE DID THE SAME SH*T! RIGHT?

AND WHAT ACKNOWLEDGEMENT DID I GET?
ABOUT WHAT HE EVEN DID?

ANYTHING? EXCUSES! 

AND MORE GAMES.

AND THE GAMES? I CALL THAT SH*T OUT.
BECAUSE: I SEE THAT SH*T. 

AND: WHO HAS TIME FOR THAT SH*T?

DO YOU? DO YOU HAVE TIME FOR IT? NO?
WOULD YOU MAKE TIME FOR THAT? NO?

OR WOULD THAT BE A WASTE OF TIME? YEAH?

REALLY TIRED OF THAT.

THE THING IS.... THEY PUT THAT SH*T ON ME
TO TRY TO "CONFUSE" ME. 

BECAUSE IF I'M "CONFUSED"
THAT IS SUPPOSED TO "MAKE" ME "CONFLICTED."

NOPE. NOT REALLY. 
WHY WOULD I "NEED" CLOSURE?

I HAVE MY OWN CLOSURE.
THE CLOSURE IS: HE CHOSE THAT SH*T. 

NOT WHY HE CHOSE THAT SH*T.....
IT'S: THAT HE CHOSE THAT SH*T. 

I COULD FKN CARE LESS WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SHOULD WHY MATTER MORE THAN THE FACT
THAT HE FKN DID??????

IF SOMEONE IS GOING TO PLAY HOT & COLD GAMES....
OR PROJECTION GAMES.....
OR WHATEVER BS GAMES.... 

WHY TF WOULD I BE INTERESTED IN THAT?
JUST TO WASTE MY TIME????? 

WOULD YOU WANT TO WASTE YOUR TIME???? NO?
SO WHY WOULD I WANT TO WASTE MINE?

AND WHY I GIVE THEM CHANCES TO FKN STOP THEIR SH*T.....
I DON'T FKN KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE THEY FKN DON'T STOP THEIR SH*T.
THEY CONTINUE. 
FOR YEARS, EVEN. 

SO? I DON'T FKN WANT TO.

"IF I TURN HER OFF REAL BAD.... SHE WON'T WANT ANYONE!"
"IF I EXHAUST HER.... WITH ANY SH*T I CAN THINK OF..."

WOULD HE WANT ME DOING THAT SH*T TO HIM?
OR EVEN THINKING OF DOING THAT SH*T?

"I KNOW HOW SHE FELT ABOUT ME....
SO I'LL USE THAT AGAINST HER....
ALL THE FKN TIME!
AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE!"

AND HE THOUGHT I WOULDN'T SEE THAT?
AND KEEP TRYING?
AND KEEP WANTING HIM?

12 FKN YEARS LATER?

"ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER....
SO I'LL PLAY THOSE GAMES WITH HER....."

FK HIM FOR THAT SH*T.
AND ANYONE ELSE WHO THOUGHT IT'D BE COOL
OR THOUGHT I'D BE COOL WITH THAT SH*T.

HE WANTED TO "PROVOKE" ME.
"PROVOKE A REACTION..... TO MATTER..."

NO. WHY SHOULD THEY?

AND IF THEY DO GET A REACTION FROM ME.....
IT'S NOT THE REACTION THEY WERE HOPING FOR. 

FKN ALLERGIC TO ADMITTING THEIR MISTAKES. 

WANTED TO LITERALLY "PLAY WITH TIME."
MY!!!!!!!! TIME!!!!!!!!!

LIKE WE WERE SUPPOSED TO PICK RIGHT BACK UP?
AFTER ALL THAT SH*T?
LIKE NONE OF THAT HAPPENED?

"I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT I DID."

NO...... HE DOES. 

BECAUSE IF HE CAN REMEMBER HIS FKN PROJECTIONS.....
HE KNOWS WHY HE WAS USING THEM. 

"I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT I DID....
BUT I CAN REMEMBER THE EXCUSES I USED FOR DOING IT"

WTF IS THAT SH*T?
A FKN GAME IS WHAT THAT SH*T IS.

THERE'D ALWAYS BE A "DIVIDE" NO MATTER WHAT.
BECAUSE: HE ISN'T SOLID. 

BECAUSE: HE'S NOT DEALING WITH HIS OWN SH*T. 
BECAUSE: HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW.

AND HIM NOT KNOWING HOW......
HAS FK ALL TO DO WITH ME.

BUT.... ONE GUY..... WHEN I TRIED EXPLAINING WHY
I AM NOT OPEN TO "DATING" OR ANY OF THAT SH*T.... 

"YOU THINK ALL GUYS ARE THE SAME?"

DID I EVER SAY THAT I THINK ALL GUYS ARE THE SAME?????!!!!!
DO I NEED ANYONE PUTTING WORDS IN MY MOUTH?

I SWEAR... THEY "HEAR" LIKE 5% OF WHAT I SAY.....
AND MAKE UP THE REST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO WHY BOTHER TRYING TO FKN EXPLAIN MYSELF?
TO ANYONE?

BECAUSE THEY'LL MAKE UP THE REST!!!!!!!!!!!
95% OF THE TIME!!!!!!!!!

SO THE 5%...... ARE NOT THE SAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AS THE 95%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RIGHT?

WHAT NICKNAME SHOULD I GIVE "PUT OUT"?

"I'LL TREAT HER SO BAD SHE'LL GET PTSD!"
"I'LL SH*T ON HER
EVEN THOUGH SHE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO ME!"

"IF I HOLD BACK, SHE'LL WANT ME MORE....."
NO..... YOU DISREGARD AND DISCARD SOMEONE....
DOING THAT SH*T.... IS.... THE CLOSURE. 
ALL THE CLOSURE THEY "NEED."

WAS ANY OF THAT SH*T SUPPOSED TO "MAKE" ME
LOOK AT HIM OR SEE HIM
THE WAY I USED TO?
BEFORE ANY OF THAT SH*T?

ANYONE WHO DID THAT SH*T?

AM I SUPPOSED TO SEE THEM THE SAME AFTER THAT?
SERIOUSLY?

AND NOT SEEING THEM THE SAME AFTER THAT....
MAKES THEM ANGRY!

BUT WHY SHOULD I SEE THEM THE SAME AFTER THAT?

HOW CAN I SEE THEM AS SOMEONE WHO WOULDN'T?
AFTER DOING XYZ???????
REPEATEDLY?

AS SOMEONE I COULD "TRUST"? HMMM?
I CAN'T!

BECAUSE: THEY AREN'T SOMEONE WHO WOULDN'T!
BECAUSE: THEY DID!!!!!!!!!!!

ANYWAY.... There was something.....

"What if it fell in your lap?"
SOMETHING I'M NOT LOOKING FOR?
FOR THE REASONS I'M NOT LOOKING FOR IT?

WHEN SOMEONE..... REALLY..... DOES NOT....
WANT TO DATE, HOOK UP, OR ANY OF THAT CRAP.....

FOR WHATEVER FKN REASON..........

IT WOULDN'T FKN MATTER.......
IF IT FELL INTO THEIR LAP. 

BECAUSE THEY DO NOT WANT ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!
WITH OR FROM ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!!

ACTUAL, REAL, FRIENDSHIP...... FINE. 

BUT DUDES.... THINK "FRIENDSHIP ONLY"
IS THE END OF THE FKN WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF SHE CAN'T TRUST YOU AS A FRIEND......
HOW TF IS SHE SUPPOSED TO TRUST YOU AT ALL?

AND IF YOU DON'T INTEND TO BE A FRIEND TO HER......
JUST P*SS OFF AND LEAVE HER ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE: ONE OF THE LAST THINGS SHE NEEDS.....
IS SOMEONE ELSE PLAYING GAMES TOO!

BECAUSE: FK THAT.

THEY GIVE YOU ENOUGH.... TO INVEST.... IN THEM....
THEN RETREAT.

WHEN I RETREAT, IT'S BECAUSE I SAW SOMETHING. 
OR THEY TRY TO PUT SOMETHING ON ME. 
OR THEY WASTE MY TIME. 
OR THEY FK ME AROUND. 

THAT'S WHY. 

NOT TO PLAY GAMES.

BIG DIFFERENCE. HUGE.

BECAUSE.... IF SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW ME
IS "ATTRACTED" TO ME
ENOUGH TO TRY TO GET ME TO "PUT OUT"

THEY AREN'T ATTRACTED TO ME BECAUSE THEY KNOW ME.
IT'S SOMETHING "ABOUT ME"
THEY ARE ATTRACTED TO. 

NOT TO ME. THEY DON'T KNOW ME.

IF SOMEONE WANTS TO BAIT ME INTO A REACTION.....
THEY WON'T BE GETTING THE REACTION 
THEY WANTED.

ESPECIALLY AFTER FKING ME AROUND. 

I SEE THAT SH*T. 

BUT IF THEY WERE TRYING TO "IMPRESS"
WOULD THEY HAVE PLAYED THOSE GAMES?

IF YOU PLAY GAMES..... YOU WILL LOSE.

BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE WILL NOT FKN PLAY WITH YOU!
THEY WILL SEE THAT SH*T
AND THEY WILL LEAVE YOU IN THAT SH*T.

MAYBE HE COULD HAVE GIVEN ME A REAL APOLOGY!
WHEN I GAVE HIM THE CHANCE TO DO THAT!

INSTEAD? WASTED MY TIME AGAIN!

A REAL.... SENTIMENTAL..... APOLOGY. 
SINCERE APOLOGY.

BUT..... NEVER AN ACTUAL "I'M SORRY FOR XYZ, A***."

AND EVEN IF THEY DID "SAY" IT......
WOULD THEY "MEAN" IT?

OR WOULD IT BE TO FK ME AROUND SOME MORE?
OR TRY TO?

DOING ANYTHING TO "MAKE" YOU WANT TO LEAVE....
TO TRY TO PUT IT ON YOU FOR LEAVING...

WITHOUT SAYING WHY THEY WOULD "WANT" TO LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT PROJECT SOME MORE.... 

THE "GAME."

Just Drives Me Crazy

Having to explain myself to people who want to MISINTERPRET me...
That drives me nuts. 

I could do without that. So could they. Right?

Especially.... When it is intentional. 
Because.... They don't have to do that crap. 

Anyway... Assumptions are another thing that drives me nuts.

Like assuming that just because I'm single...
"Must mean" something that it doesn't actually mean. 

Why "interpret" my "singlehood"?

Just really weird to do that. Right?

NEVER in my life.... Have I.... EVER
looked at someone BEING SINGLE
AS MEANING.... SOMETHING.

ALL IT MEANT TO ME
WAS: THEY ARE SINGLE.

That is all. DOES IT HAVE TO MEAN ANYTHING? NO?

THEN WHY WOULD I "MAKE" IT MEAN ANYTHING?

DO I HAVE TO "MAKE" IT MEAN ANYTHING?
NO? 

THEN? SHOULD I? IF I DON'T FKN HAVE TO?
AND NEVER NEEDED TO?
NO?

SO THEN? THEY NEVER NEEDED TO EITHER? HMMM!

I watched a video today.... About a cop fking up an FBI investigation...

THE COP APPROACHED WHO HE THOUGHT
WAS A HOMELESS PERSON IN A PARK.

DUDE HE APPROACHED WAS AN FBI AGENT
UNDERCOVER.

HE MADE ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT HIM....
THE THINGS HE WAS SAYING WERE FKN WILD
FROM A COP!

BUT COPS ACT LIKE THAT ALL THE FKN TIME!
POWER TRIPPING MOFOS.

Anyway, I love WHEN COPS GET SCHOOLED.
HARD.

OLD SCHOOL SCHOOLED.

Speaking of SCHOOLED... 

I saw another video today....
Where a white guy was being a fkn RACIST 
to a black guy....

AND THE BLACK GUY SCHOOLED TF OUT OF HIM. 

The white guy was trying to intimidate the black guy.
THE LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN IT WASN'T WORKING!

THE WHITE GUY WAS HIDING IN HIS CAR
AND WOULDN'T GET OUT OF THE CAR
TO STEP TO THE GUY HE INSULTED.

Freaking wild that PEOPLE THINK LIKE THAT FKTARD, STILL.
LIKE WTF IS THIS SH*T?
THE 60s?
THE 50s?

WTF IS THAT SH*T?

CAN'T PEOPLE BE PEOPLE?

I happen to have some friends who are black. 

AND TO ME.... I NEVER THOUGHT:
YOU'RE BLACK.

I know that they are, yes. Because they actually are...
BUT I NEVER THOUGHT:
YOU'RE BLACK. 

BECAUSE THAT SH*T DOESN'T MATTER.
THEY ARE PEOPLE, TO ME.
THEY ARE MY FRIENDS.

THAT'S WHAT I SEE.
I SEE THEM. WHO THEY ARE.
NOT HOW THEY "LOOK."

WHY SHOULD I CARE IF ANYONE IS BLACK?
DO MY BLACK FRIENDS CARE THAT I'M WHITE?

I'M NOT JUST WHITE, I'M PALE AF.

BUT THEY NEVER LOOKED AT ME LIKE:
YOU'RE WHITE.

THEY LOOKED AT ME AS ME.

DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?
I HOPE SO.

The fact that racism is STILL A FKN THING....
IS.... FKN..... ASSININE. 

I SAID IT. 

NO FKN RACE IS SUPERIOR.
NOT EVEN THE FKN HUMAN RACE.

I SAID IT. I SAID WHAT I SAID.

NONE OF US.....
ARE FKN SUPERIOR. PERIOD.

SUPERIORITY IS BS. OKAY? IT IS.
JUST..... BS.

IF ANYONE THINKS THEY ARE SUPERIOR
OR THAT ANYTHING MAKES THEM SUPERIOR...

THEY ARE FKN INFERIOR.
BECAUSE....

IT'S BS.

Egoism.... Is that type of "superiority"
I was talking about.

Do I think I'm superior because I can write? Fk no!
Am I happy that I can? Yeah....

BUT BEING ABLE TO DO ANYTHING
DOES NOT MAKE ME BETTER THAN ANYONE
WHO CAN'T.

ALL THAT IT MEANS IS THAT I CAN XYZ.
THAT'S IT!

I was watching something that was pretty interesting earlier. 

A lady was saying that...

When some people are "uncool"
THEY THINK THEY NEED TO BE ACCEPTED
BY A GROUP TO "APPEAR" COOL.
BUT TO BE ACCEPTED BY THE GROUP....
THEY FK OVER PEOPLE
TO "SEEM" COOL
TO THE GROUP.

IT'S A WEIRD THING, INDEED.

She was saying.... "To appear cool to you....
They think they need a group.
But to be accepted by them, 
they sacrifice their connection to you
to be accepted in the group."

"Even though the reason they want to be accepted
by the group.... Is to appear cool.... To you."

Fkn weird sh*t, but some people actually do this.
AND ACTUALLY THINK LIKE THIS.

1) DO I GAF ABOUT ANYONE BEING COOL?

OR AM I MOSTLY CHILL WITH PEOPLE AS THEY ARE?
AS LONG AS THEY AREN'T FKTARDS?

DOES SOMEONE HAVE TO BE "COOL"
NOT TO BE A FKTARD? NO?

JUST... DON'T BE A FKTARD.

WANTING ACCEPTANCE.... FROM A GROUP...
TO APPEAR COOL....

IS ABOUT "INSECURITIES."

"THEY THOUGHT THEIR ENVIRONMENT
WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH.
SO THEY WANTED A NEW ONE."

MAKES SENSE... THE THINGS THEY SAY.

"THEY DON'T FEEL GOOD ENOUGH."

"THEY THOUGHT THEY NEEDED A SOCIAL ENVIRONMENT
TO GIVE THEMSELVES CONFIDENCE."

"EVEN ATTACKING YOU
TO GET SYMPATHY FROM THE GROUP."

Like if they had an EX who said: YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS.
OR: YOUR SOCIAL LIFE IS PATHETIC.
OR SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES....

INSTEAD OF REALIZING..... I DIDN'T AND DON'T GAF
ABOUT ANY OF THAT. WHY WOULD I?

"Instead of trying to chase recognition... And working on themselves...

TO RELEASE THE "NEED" FOR RECOGNITION
FROM A GROUP OR FROM ANYONE.... 

I mean... I never felt I NEEDED recognition.
I don't really like being in groups.

GROUPS JUDGE MOST OF THE TIME.
THEY EITHER ACCEPT YOU OR THEY DON'T.
AND WHY TRY TO BE OR HAVE OR DO XYZ
TO TRY TO BE "ACCEPTED"?

WHY NOT.... JUST..... BE... YOURSELF, SINCERELY?

THE RIGHT PEOPLE SEE THAT.

"THEY DIDN'T WANT TO BE REJECTED BY YOU....
SO THEY THOUGHT THEY NEEDED SOMETHING.
SO THEY THOUGHT THAT IF YOU REJECTED THEM....
THEY'D STILL HAVE THE GROUP."

BUT.... WHO SAID I WAS GOING TO REJECT THEM?

HADN'T I ALREADY ACCEPTED THEM?
A LONG FKN TIME AGO?

But some people can be so fkn INSECURE....
THAT THEY THINK I MIGHT!

BUT.... MOSTLY.... WHEN I DO....
IT'S FOR DOING THAT SH*T TO ME.

THAT THEY NEVER HAD TO.

BECAUSE: IF THEY NEVER HAD TO....
AND WENT AHEAD AND DID IT....

THAT.... WAS A CHOICE.

So let's talk about security in the sense of feeling "secure."

Because "secure," especially emotionally.... 
MEANS THERE IS NO "NEED" TO DO THINGS
THAT COST THE THINGS THAT THEY DON'T WANT TO LOSE. 

EXAMPLE:

Dudes who will be so scared of losing a girl
that they GET A BACKUP.
FOR: IN CASE THEY DO.

AND THEY LOSE THE GIRL....
BECAUSE: THEY HAD A BACKUP
WHO THEY TREATED BETTER THAN THE GIRL
THEY WERE SO SCARED OF LOSING
BUT COULD HAVE....
JUST...
LOVED HER....
IN THE RIGHT WAY....
FOR THE RIGHT REASON....

AND IF SHE WAS ALREADY THERE....
DOES THAT MEAN SHE WAS
PLANNING TO GO SOMEWHERE?

BUT... INSECURITY..... IS THINKING:
I HAVE TO HAVE A "BACKUP" IN CASE OF XYZ.

SECURITY IS THINKING:
SHE'S HERE BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO BE WITH ME.

AND I DON'T HAVE TO BE A FKTARD THINKING
THAT I HAVE TO DO A BUNCH OF SH*T
FOR THE WRONG REASONS.

BECAUSE IT'S EITHER THE FKD UP SH*T....
OR THE WRONG REASONS....

OR BOTH....

THAT CAUSES THEM TO LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO THEN? WHY ARE THOSE NEEDED?
THEY AREN'T!

After my tea, I'm going to bed.
I have to be up early tomorrow.

GOT SOME STUFF TO DO.

And I'm feeling very sleepy. 

I have to remember to put the food I made away, too. 

Before I go to bed. 
So I can eat more of it tomorrow. 

I have a habit of cooking more than 1 meal, which is okay.
Makes things easier tomorrow. 
I will be tired tomorrow.

Especially waking up early. 

THE BACKUP IS THE FEAR OF BEING ALONE!
THE FEAR OF REJECTION.

Something about those fears....
THEY COME FROM WOUNDS.

AND IF PEOPLE "DEAL" WITH THOSE WOUNDS....
THOSE THINGS....
ARE NO LONGER....
FEARS.

I DIDN'T LIKE BEING SINGLE.... YEARS AGO....
IN MY 20s,

I was kind of... Like... "I'd be SECURE in a relationship."

RELATIONSHIPS DON'T "PROVIDE" THAT KIND OF
"SECURITY."

IF TWO INSECURE PEOPLE GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP....
THEY ARE GOING TO TRY
TO RELY ON EACH OTHER
OR OTHER THINGS
LIKE BACKUPS
TO FEEL "SECURE."

BUT IT DOESN'T WORK.....

BECAUSE "SECURITY" IS MORE ABOUT....
BEING ABLE TO TRUST YOURSELF
TO OVERCOME THINGS... 

NO MATTER WTF THEY ARE.

NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS TO OVERCOME.

"SELF-TRUST"

DID I ALWAYS TRUST MYSELF? NO?
HOW COULD I WHEN I WAS BUSY SABOTAGING MYSELF?
CONSTANTLY?

THE REASONS I WAS DOING SOME THINGS
WERE FKN STUPID. 

OKAY? 
THEY WERE. 
HONESTLY STUPID. 

I HAD TO LOOK AT IT AND THINK ABOUT WHY.
"WHY TF ARE YOU DOING XYZ, A***?"
AND REALLY THINK ABOUT.... WHY.

REALLY THINK.... ABOUT.... WHY.

WHY DID I WANT TO DATE?
WHY DID I THINK S*X WAS "IMPORTANT"?
WHY DID I THINK ABOUT IT AT ALL? HORMONES?

WHY DID I WANT TO DATE THE PEOPLE I DATED?

WHY WASN'T I CONTENT ON MY OWN?

WHY DID I THINK ABOUT THE THINGS I THOUGHT ABOUT?
WHY DID I THINK THE WAY I THOUGHT?

WHY WASN'T I THINKING ABOUT MY THINKING?

STUFF LIKE THIS...

Anyway, I did finish my tea.....
And I do have to go to bed early. 

So good night!