I Remember

I remember HOW IT FELT!
TO BE EXPECTED...
TO ENDURE SH*T I DID NOT DESERVE!

I LEARNED FROM THAT.
I RAISED MY STANDARDS HIGHER!
BECAUSE OF THAT BS!

I CAN LOVE PEOPLE FROM "AFAR."
I CAN BE ALONE!
SOLITUDE FEELS A HELL OF A LOT BETTER!
THAN WHATEVER TF THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE!

It doesn't feel good.... It didn't, but it feels crappy.

ALL THE THINGS ABOUT ME THEY TOOK FOR GRANTED....
ARE THINGS THEY DON'T GET FROM ME.

ONLY FAIR!
FAIR TO ME!

DGAF WHO FEELS WHAT ABOUT THAT!
DID THEY CARE HOW I FELT?

NO?

SHOULD I?

I saw a video... A woman wanted to have dinner with her family...
SHE HAD COOKED DINNER FOR THEM.

THEY ALL WERE IGNORING HER!
AT THE TABLE!

SHE TOOK THEIR PLATES!
TOOK THE FOOD OFF THE TABLE!

THEY LOOKED AT HER LIKE SHE WAS CRAZY!

FKN PAINFUL SH*T!

Another video I saw once... 

A couple was at a restaurant... On a date... 
THEY WERE MARRIED....

AND SHE WAS IGNORING HIM.
ACROSS FROM HIM.

HE TOOK OFF HIS WEDDING RING.
DROPPED IT IN HIS GLASS.

SHE DIDN'T SEE IT.
BECAUSE SHE WAS IGNORING HIM.

HE WALKED OUT.
SHE DIDN'T SEE IT.
BECAUSE SHE WAS IGNORING HIM.

-----------------------------------------------------

JUST GOING TO EAT WITH MY FRIEND....
IT WASN'T A DATE.... 

JUST EATING WITH HIM....
I WAS THERE.... TO BE THERE... WITH HIM.

I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE MY PHONE WITH ME.

HE SAID IT RIGHT:
"IT'S A PHONE! NOT AN APPENDAGE!"

BECAUSE WE WERE TALKING ABOUT HOW....
PEOPLE ARE SEEMINGLY ADDICTED TO THEIR PHONES.

HE WAS ON HIS WAY TO WORK....
AND SOMEONE WAS CALLING HIM.

THEY WERE MAD THAT HE WAS FOCUSED ON DRIVING TO WORK.

"IT'S A PHONE! NOT AN APPENDAGE!"

IF IT'S NOT AN EMERGENCY... IT CAN WAIT.

I HAD ONE TEACHER APOLOGIZE TO ME
ABOUT GIVING ME SH*T FOR TAKING A CALL IN CLASS....
IN COLLEGE.

I TOLD HIM.... THE ONLY REASON I EVEN HAD THE PHONE....
WAS FOR EMERGENCIES.

ONLY A FEW PEOPLE HAD THAT NUMBER.

THE DAY CARE.... MY EX.... MY MOM.

PRETTY MUCH THAT'S IT.

THE ONLY REASON I TOOK THE CALL....
WAS IT COULD HAVE BEEN AN EMERGENCY.

THAT'S IT.

NOT TO BE A B*TCH.

OR A DUMB IGNORANT C*NT.

I WAS BEING A MOM.

HE APOLOGIZED.

OTHERWISE, YES, I WAS THERE....
TO BE PRESENT IN CLASS.

THERE WEREN'T MANY TIMES I WASN'T.
BUT THERE WERE TIMES I DID CHECK OUT.

Anyway... I saw a dude I went to college with.
Said hello to him. 

That's a lot different from being involved with him....
AND HIM PULLING SH*T ON ME....
BLAMING ME FOR IT....

WE KNEW EACH OTHER 20 YEARS AGO...
WE DON'T HAVE ANY WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE....
NO BRIDGE BURNED BETWEEN US.

WE WERE BOTH IN RELATIONSHIPS.
HE GOT MARRIED.

HE WAS HONEST WITH ME.
NEVER PRETENDED TO LIKE ME.
STILL RESPECTED ME.

NEVER HAD ANY ISSUES...

WE STILL SAY HI IN PASSING.

ACKNOWLEDGING EACH OTHER.

SURE.... DID I WONDER WHAT IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN LIKE?
HAD WE MET AT DIFFERENT TIMES OF OUR LIVES?

BUT DID THAT MEAN I WAS DESPERATE TO BE WITH HIM?

DID I NOT RESPECT HIM AND HIS RELATIONSHIP?

SURE... I WANTED TO AT LEAST BE SUPPORTIVE.

I PRINTED SOME THINGS OUT FOR HIM.
I PUT THEM IN HIS LOCKER.

HE TOLD ME HE WAS WITH SOMEONE.
I WASN'T DOING IT TO TRY TO GET WITH HIM.
I JUST WISHED HIM THE BEST.
BECAUSE HE TREATED ME WITH RESPECT.

THE WAY I WANTED TO BE TREATED.

JUST THAT.

AND YES, IT'S NICE WHEN HE SAYS MY NAME.
BECAUSE HE REMEMBERS ME.
NICE WHEN HE SAYS HELLO.
NICE TO SEE HIM.

AFTER ALL THESE YEARS.
TO KNOW HE MADE IT, LIKE I HAD HOPED FOR HIM.

THAT'S IN STARK CONTRAST TO EVERYONE
WHO EVER TREATED ME WRONG.
FOR THE WRONG REASONS.

HE CHOSE TO DO THE RIGHT THINGS.

I HAVE SO MUCH RESPECT FOR HIM.

Anyway, I saw him recently...

I REMEMBER THE TIMES HE WAS KIND TO ME.
FONDLY.

HE COULD HAVE BEEN AN @SSHOLE! RIGHT!
HE COULD HAVE EMOTIONALLY ABUSED ME TOO!
TRIED TO GASLIGHT ME TOO!

DID HE? NO.

DID HE NEED REASONS NOT TO FK WITH ME?
OR DID HE JUST CHOOSE NOT TO?

SEE THE DIFFERENCE? I DO!
I REMEMBER THAT!

IF I WAS "THE PROBLEM"
HE WOULD HAVE HAD A PROBLEM WITH ME, TOO.

RIGHT?

INSTEAD? I REALIZED SOME THINGS....
JUST BECAUSE HE WAS NICE TO ME.....
DIDN'T MEAN HE LOOKED AT ME LIKE I'D BE ANYTHING TO HIM.
DID I WANT ANYTHING WITH HIM? OR JUST CURIOUS?
I WAS ALREADY IN SOMETHING.
I JUST WANTED TO SEE HIM DO WELL, HE DID. 
I'M HAPPY FOR HIM AND CAN BE HAPPY FOR HIM WITHOUT BEING IN HIS LIFE.

It wasn't about getting anything from him....
What did I want? Just to be treated DECENTLY?
WAS HE BEING DECENT TO ME? YES?
THEN WHAT ELSE WOULD I WANT?

Nope. What I wanted was for him. I wanted him to be happy in and with his life.
Not like we had to be in each other's lives to be decent to each other. Right?

He could have his best life without me in it. 

I was an alcoholic, remember?

Not like I had a lot to offer him anyway...

But it just feels nice: "Hi A***!" 
It feels nice: He's still alive and doing his thing.

That feels nice.

AND AFTER YEARS OF FEELING DRAINED....
BY PEOPLE WHO EMOTIONALLY DRAINED ME...
AND ALLOWING THAT TO CONTINUE FOR AS LONG AS IT DID...
AND NEEDING TO RECOVER FROM THAT....

NICE.... FEELS NICE.

IT'S LIKE A COOL BREEZE ON A BURN.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

A MOMENT YOU CAN FEEL "SAFE"
BECAUSE "THAT WAS NICE." 
JUST THAT.

AND THE MORE I HOLD ONTO THAT FEELING....
THE LESS IT "BURNS."

EVERYTHING ELSE.

Y'KNOW?

BECAUSE HE CHOSE NOT TO BE AN @SSHOLE TO ME.

HE DOESN'T REALIZE THAT HE'S THE COOL BREEZE ON MY BURNT SOUL.

HE IS. I HOLD ONTO THOSE MOMENTS.

BETWEEN HIM AND I.

THEY GIVE ME HOPE.

THAT NOT EVERY DUDE IS AN @SSHOLE.

OR WANTS TO PLAY GAMES.