Nothing Unreasonable

I'm not mad that there was someone else.
That wasn't the issue.

THE ISSUE WAS:
IF THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE... TELL ME.
SO YOU CAN CHOOSE THEM....
AND YOU CAN FK YOURSELF.

DON'T LIE TO ME ABOUT IT, 
THEN TREAT ME LIKE SH*T....
BECAUSE OF SOMEONE ELSE.

Then.... WHEN I AM UPSET....
ABOUT BEING TREATED LIKE SH*T....
DON'T TRY TO BLAME ME FOR THAT SH*T.

BECAUSE: YOU'RE THE ONE CHOOSING THAT SH*T.

JUST THAT.

I was never saying:
"YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE ME OR ELSE!"
"YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME EVERYTHING I WANT!"

OR ANYTHING FKN UNREASONABLE.

What I would have been cool with....
HONESTY!

SOMEONE ELSE, JUST MEANS YOU CHOSE DIFFERENT.
THAT'S IT.
DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT ME. 

IT WAS YOUR FKN CHOICE IN THE FIRST PLACE....
BUT.....

IF YOU CHOOSE SOMEONE ELSE....
AT LEAST TREAT ME WITH RESPECT.

THAT'S ALL.

What did bug me is that GIRLS CAN LIE
TO GET A GUY.

THEY CAN LIE ABOUT OTHER GIRLS.
THEY CAN LIE ABOUT THEMSELVES.
THEY CAN "FUTURE FAKE" LIKE SOME DUDES CAN.

AND IF A DUDE FALLS FOR THAT....
AND FORFEITS AN OPPORTUNITY
FOR SOMETHING REAL...

THEN.... THAT IS WHAT HE CHOSE TO DO.

BUT... YOU DON'T NEED TO BE LEAVING
THE REAL DEAL ON THE SHELF.

THINKING SHE'S RIGHT THERE...
WHEN YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND.

BECAUSE: SHE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE!
SHE CAN MAKE A LIFE WITHOUT YOU IN IT.

MANIPULATION TO ACCUSE SOMEONE OF MANIPULATING.

TO GHOST SOMEONE AND TRY TO COME BACK 12 YEARS LATER.

WHAT'S THAT?

"I GET TO CHOOSE WHEN I TALK TO YOU (12 YEARS LATER)."
I EXPECT YOU TO WAIT 12 FKN YEARS FOR ME....

ARROGANT TO THINK THAT THEY CAN "GET ME BACK."
AFTER TREATING ME LIKE THAT.

ARROGANCE TURNS ME OFF.

HE DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL ABOUT ME BACK THEN, RIGHT?

BUT NOW THAT I HAVE OPPORTUNITIES... 
HE SEES ME AS ONE.

WELP, NOPE. I AM A PERSON.
WHO WANTED TO BE TREATED DECENTLY. I WASN'T.

IT'D BE A REPEAT BECAUSE HE COULD HAVE JUST RESPECTED ME.

HE DIDN'T WANT TO LOOK AT ME 
AS SOMEONE WHO WAS TRYING TO SHOW HIM DIFFERENT.

HE COULD HAVE LEARNED, HAD HE LISTENED. 

Maybe he saw me somewhere.
I probably didn't see him 
BECAUSE I BARELY THINK OF HIM.
ONLY BEEN THINKING OF HIM
BECAUSE HE CONTACTED ME.

OTHERWISE, I'D BE DOING OTHER THINGS.

THE EMOTIONAL ABUSE WAS BS, THOUGH.
HE GOT TO SEE HOW WELL I'M DOING WITHOUT HIM.
HE GOT TO SEE HOW LITTLE CONTROL HE ACTUALLY HAD.

OVER ME.

THAT I WAS ONLY THERE BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE.
THAT HE WAS TAKING ME FOR GRANTED.

CAN'T FIND ME IN ANYONE ELSE.

BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT ME.

BUT I DISLIKE SHOWING ANYONE MY STRENGTH.
DISLIKE HAVING TO DO THAT.

WHY WOULD I PUT IN THE WORK
TO BUILD SOMEONE UP
WHO CONSTANTLY TRIED TO TEAR ME DOWN?

I HAD TO BUILD MYSELF UP AFTER THAT SH*T.

LET HIM REFLECT ON HOW HE TREATED ME.
LET HIM.

I'm not around to try to gaslight and emotionally abuse.

I knew we could have had something worthwhile... 
IF HE HAD FKN COOPERATED....

BUT.... DIDN'T.

But when someone tries to break me....
AND I HAVE TO SHOW THEM THAT THEY CAN'T....
AND WHY....

YEAH, IT P*SSES ME OFF.


AND WHEN NOTHING WAS CHANGING....
NOT GETTING ANY BETTER....
WAS NOT GETTING TREATED ANY BETTER... 

IT BECAME EXHAUSTING. 

BETTER THINGS TO SPEND MY TIME ON....
THAN THAT SH*T.

I have to get it out....
And this is for reflection purposes.... 

Because apparently I had to re-explain how I operate.... 
Which would have been SEEN, 
HAD I BEEN TAKEN SERIOUSLY, 
NOT FOR GRANTED... 

Reflection on the things I've been saying....
BUT WHY I'VE BEEN SAYING IT.

Because he didn't have to make those "mistakes."
BECAUSE HE COULD HAVE CHOSEN TO GROW TF UP!
AND TREAT ME THE WAY I DESERVED TO BE TREATED!
THE FIRST TIME AROUND!

DID MIRROR SMASHER HAVE TO SMASH MY MIRROR?
DID HEAD PUNCHER HAVE TO PUNCH ME IN THE HEAD?

DID IRON HEART HAVE TO HAVE AN IRON HEART?

Of all, Iron Heart... He tried. I'll give him that.
AND I WASN'T READY FOR HIM.

HE KNEW THAT.

CAN'T BLAME HIM FOR GUARDING HIMSELF... 

If certain things aligned... Maybe. Who knows?
Hopefully, whoever he meets....
Is ready for him. 

But... Certain people who did certain things...
That they didn't need to do....
DIDN'T NEED TO BE DOING THOSE THINGS!
TO ME!

BUT CHOSE TO! RIGHT?

That's what's disappointing and infuriating, I think.
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT SH*T.
BUT CHOSE TO DO THAT SH*T ANYWAY.

To me. Things I wouldn't have done to them. 

That's closure. The facts are closure. 

But it's weird to "stalk" me AFTER DISCARDING ME.

When you discarded me.... YOU FORFEITED ME.
THAT'S IT.

SO THEN.... WHY STALK ME?

OF COURSE I'M ALLOWED TO MOVE ON....
JUST LIKE THEY ARE.... TOO.... RIGHT?

DISCARD SOMEONE.... LIKE THEY MEANT NOTHING....
THEN.... THEY HAVE A RIGHT TO MOVE ON!

Here I was just thinking my ex still read this... Maybe he does.
I dgaf if he does....

BUT MY LIFE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM.
AS HIS LIFE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

THAT'S WHY HE'S ALLOWED TO MOVE ON. RIGHT?

I DON'T WATCH HIM OR ANYTHING.
HE IS FREE. 

SO AM I.

ALL I'M DOING....
IS GETTING OVER....
A BUNCH OF SH*T.....
A BUNCH OF PEOPLE DID TO ME.

NOT JUST HIM.

- MIRROR SMASHER
- HEAD PUNCHER
- 12 YEAR DISCARD
- IRON HEART

Even though Iron Heart hurt me the least of them all.
I had to get over him TWICE.

That's what hurt most, I think.

Why come back: "I missed our talks."
AND THEN JUST DIP AGAIN?

DIDN'T WANT ME? OKAY! I CAN LIVE WITH THAT....

BUT WHEN HE LEFT THE FIRST TIME.....

I HADN'T DONE ANYTHING.

I WAS ALREADY FKD UP, YES.

BEING FKD UP WAS ABOUT AS BAD AS IT WAS.
I NEVER DID ANYTHING TO "DECEIVE" HIM.
NEVER ONCE LIED TO HIM.

WAS HONEST ABOUT WHERE I WAS AT... 

AND THEN POOF. GONE. FOR OVER A YEAR.
NOT 12 YEARS.... BUT OVER A YEAR....
MAYBE CLOSE TO TWO YEARS....

THEN POOF! HE'S BACK.
"I MISSED OUR TALKS"
WHILE I HAD BEEN MISSING HIM.
NOT OUR TALKS. HIM. 

BIG DIFFERENCE.

I DON'T EXPECT TO HEAR FROM HIM AGAIN.
I ALREADY TRIED AGAIN AFTER HE BOUNCED BEFORE.

I HAD TO GET OVER HIM, TOO. 

EVEN THOUGH HE DIDN'T HURT ME
AS MUCH AS SOME PEOPLE
WHO DID SH*T TO ME....
I NEVER FKN THOUGHT THEY'D DO.

It bugged me because they don't HAVE TO QUESTION
WHETHER I'D DO THAT SH*T OR NOT.
BECAUSE I WOULDN'T. 

DID I? NO?

BUT WHATEVER.... RIGHT?

I WAS JUST WORDS ON A SCREEN ANYWAY.

NOT SOMEONE WHO MATTERED TO HIM.

TO ANY OF THEM. 

AND THAT IS OKAY.

NOT LIKE I'VE BEEN SITTING HERE:
"THEY HURT ME SO I HAVE TO GET REVENGE."

TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT.

WHAT DID I DO? NOTHING TO THEM?
COULD HAVE? YES.

THEY KNOW THAT.

HAD I BEEN "CRAZY".....
I WOULD HAVE DONE CRAZY THINGS..... RIGHT?

I COULD HAVE TAKEN THINGS WAY TOO FAR.... RIGHT?

JUST FEELING DECENT AGAIN....
WITHOUT ANYONE....
IS GOOD ENOUGH....
FOR ME.

TOOK A LOT TO GET TO THIS POINT.
IN MY LIFE.

A LOT COULD HAVE BROKEN ME.
ALL THE VERY INTENTIONAL SH*T.

BUT.... NO.

IF I LET IT BREAK ME....
WHERE WOULD I BE?

NOT WHERE I AM TODAY.
VERY FAR FROM HERE.