A Catch to Everything

Why is February the coldest month of the year? It seems to me that there is no reasonable explanation for your nose to be running and your nostrils to freeze together at the same time. I'm getting sick of the cold weather and I can't wait for spring. It seems, too, that the groundhog LIED. I don't see spring coming in however many more weeks it is supposed to take.

Officially, spring should be here at the end of March. The first official day of spring falls on my cousin's birthday. I always remember that. He used to send me birthday cards. He'd never forget my birthday. He is my favorite cousin. Even though he snook up behind me at the casino and gave me a wet willy. I never said the rest of my family was more normal than I am. Except he has a good job out west. He's doing well for himself. I admire him, actually. And I've never told him that.

So, I got a call last night from the Revenue Agency. I have no idea what they want from me. Maybe they want to audit me or something. I would hate that. I have enough problems trying to keep my records straight without people asking to see them. It's really just a pain in the ass. And maybe I should keep my receipts. But I never saw any reason to do so. Especially for stupid stuff like a chocolate bar or something. Big stuff, definitely keep the receipts for. The rest.... Well, what is the point? I called them back but conveniently they are unable to take my call. I don't know what they want from me and I'm nervous about it. Probably because I think they might try to audit me. I got audited once. I really hated it. I've tried the best I can to get my taxes done and all of that. I have yet to do them for 2007, but I think I might have everything I need to try to get them done. Maybe I might even get some money back. That would be nice. I'd love to try to put some money aside. The only thing I can really put my money aside for right now is my student loan. Maybe that is what they want to talk to me about. I have no idea. The longer I wait to find out, the more stressed I'm getting about it. I just want to know what I'm up against.
If only I had the money to pay the loan outright and never have to worry or think about it ever again. I wanted to go to college, but I probably should have waited until I knew what I wanted to do with my life. Policing is a great field and I do admire cops, well most of them... I just know NOW, after spending thousands of dollars to go to college that I'll never get to be one of them. Really, I should have known all along. But I guess I have to learn the hard way, like always.

I should be paying the monthly payment on it, but since my income is technically not income in the eyes of the government, I can't legally do so. Been trying to tell them this for a long time and they don't seem to understand and just leave me the f*ck alone. Sometimes, when I think about the debt I'm in I think of things I shouldn't think about. Sometimes I just can't help but to think that there is an easy way out of every mess I've ever gotten myself in, but that easy way out is just a mess that I'd never get myself out of. And not only that, but it would be a mess for everyone else in my life. I can't drag everyone down with me.

Just every time the phone rings, I'm scared to pick it up. I keep thinking that there will be someone on the other line asking me for money that I don't have and can't get anytime soon. It just makes me feel like sh*t for having put myself in so much debt to begin with and it makes me feel like sh*t because I can't pay it back. I want to, and I wish I could. If only for the phone calls to just stop. If only for some peace of mind, at least.

Sometimes I wish I could just run away. I used to do that. I would run away all the time because I wanted to be left alone. I never wanted to be found. I wanted to be someone else. Somewhere else. I wanted to try to start over, but it never got to happen. Even when I came back to Ottawa from Toronto, nothing much had changed. I felt different, a bit better, having had the freedom that I had tasted and craved for so long. I know that I'll never have that freedom again. I'll be forever shackled to the desire and the inability to just leave.

But there has to be an easier way of dealing with this stuff. I've tried to ignore it, but it won't go way and it never will. It has probably made matters worse. But almost every call I get is from someone who wants something from me, especially money.

I wish there was a way that I could get my foot in the door somewhere, where I could have an opportunity to make some money. Legitimately. I mean, I could try to rob a bank, but I would get caught. I guess in jail I wouldn't have to worry about getting phone calls from collectors and I wouldn't have to pay monetary rent. But there's always a catch to everything.

White Wine

I don't know why I feel this way, today. It could be because I'm bloated and I can't even do up my pants. I just wear a big sweater over top so that nobody sees that I can't do them up. As long as they are on and no around my ankles, nobody should care anyway.

It's just one of those days that I don't feel like doing much of anything. I might do some things for myself today. I've decided to crack open a bottle of wine tonight. I got it for my birthday and haven't had any of it, yet. I'm already bloated, so what's a little more? I might buy myself some chocolates, later....

The bunny has been out of his cage pretty much all day today. I put him in there at night so the cats don't bug him. The only one who bugs him is the kitten. He jumps on the bunny, and chases him around. It's funny watching him crouch down, ready to pounce on the bunny. I have some treats here for the cats, but they don't like them. I was wondering why they don't like them and then I realized that they are dog treats. No wonder!

The bunny is happy with pretty much anything I give him. He likes cereal, especially cheerios. My son was sitting down, eating a bowl of cheerios and the bunny hopped up on the chair beside him and tried to stick his little bunny face into the bowl. I've given him some raisin bread before, an ice cream cone, he likes pizza crusts... Of course I give him veggies, too. He's had cabbage, and carrots. He's even had apple sauce. I think he eats better here than he ever used to eat. All that lady gave him was rabbit food. Rabbits like people food, too. They are pretty much like dogs, they eat pretty much anything, except meat.

It's bright and sunny outside today. It's always the coldest on the sunniest of winter days. This morning, I was outside with my son and the early morning sunlight was reflecting on the fresh snowflakes, making them sparkle. It was really pretty. I like looking for things that other people don't take the time to notice. It makes me feel as though nature is telling me a secret.

I was helping my son make his Valentines Day Cards last night. He decided that he had to draw a picture in every one of them. I helped by gluing the hearts onto his cards. He wrote most of them himself. He'll come home excited today with his bag of valentines. His class is having a little party today.

It bothers me that they put up stuff for Easter next to the stuff for Valentine's Day. Easter is supposed to be in the SPRING and last time I checked, the SNOW HASN'T EVEN MELTED!!!!
At least all the hearts and stuff will be gone soon. I'm not bitter about it, or feeling sorry for myself. Pity Parties are the pits. There's a bottle of wine with my name on it and I still have time for myself before I have to pick my son up from school. I've thought about giving myself a mini-makeover. This is what I call just jumping into the shower, then doing my hair afterwards. I might even try to squeeze into clothes that probably don't fit me anymore. I get depressed when I realize that my favorites don't fit me anymore. I still keep them and keep trying to get into them. It'll be easier when I'm not as bloated anymore. I may even go to the mall and get a trim. I'm trying to watch my money, though, so I might just have to give myself a trim, instead.

Tonight, it's just going to be relaxing. Today shouldn't really be different from any other day in my life. After all, it's not really a holiday. It's just an excuse for roses and chocolates. And.... Well, other stuff.... Something that I can't really give myself.... If I could, then there wouldn't be any need for men.... *Laughing* Sometimes I think I'm gonna burst. Abby guts all over the place. And THAT is a mess I'M NOT CLEANING UP!!!! Speaking of cleaning up..... Don't feel like doing it right now.

Getting Out & Getting Stuff Done

I don't know why I haven't written on here for so long. I guess it is hard for me to find the time to write these days. Maybe I've just spent so much time thinking and not sharing any of my thoughts with anyone.

I managed to get some stuff done that I needed to do today. It felt good. Instead of feeling anxious about it, knowing it has to be done. To deal with the stress of having so much to do, I procrastinate. That just makes it worse. I have to keep telling myself that it'll make it worse. It is a false comfort zone.

Anyway, I've been thinking about water ever since I saw a documentary on t.v a few nights ago about how there are more than 200,000 people in Bolivia who don't have water because they simply cannot afford to pay for it. They were saying that water has become a commodity and in other countries they are running dry because of factories taking all the water.

There was a poor little girl on the show telling the film crew that she has no friends because they have no water. The other kids didn't want to play with her because they have water and she doesn't. She said that the kids would chase any kids away who tried to play with her and that they'd call her a filthy pig. I think that has to be one of the saddest things I have ever heard. Something like 20 jumbo jets filled with kids die every day because they don't have water. That is insane when you think about it. It really is. Something that everyone should be able to receive or to obtain because it's something we all need for basic survival.

It just opened my eyes. And another thing I was watching was a documentary called 'Diamond Road' about how people are exploited for the mines and the diamonds. The diamond pit I saw was a gigantic crater in the earth, it was amazing. Just how deep down there are. Something like 20,000 feet. But what I saw, the raw exploitation. They are greedy companies. Empirical greed.

It just seems really crazy that these things mean so much to people. Well obviously water, but who really gives a f*ck about diamonds? Glass is sort of in that category somehow because it is made with extreme heat, just like a diamond. They can make diamonds out of the ashes of dead people. Well, I'd think that they could use just about any carbon at all. It takes like four years to make one. That is what they were saying on the show. Of course the real ones are worth much more because they are running out, they can't be discovered fast enough to keep up with the demand. This makes the pressure and the exploitation much worse.

I'm not really concerned about Valentine's Day. I haven't really thought about it. I try not to think about it. Valentine's Day was my Father's birthday. I still think about going up to see where he was buried. Up on the Canadian Shield. I just don't know when I'll ever be able to go up there, all the way up to Nipigon. I heard it's nippy in Nipigon. Apparently, that's where my Father used to live when he was younger. I have no idea how he wound up in Ottawa. I'll probably never find out how my parents met. I asked my Mother and she told me she can't remember. I bet she does remember, just doesn't want me to ever find out.

She told me that she thinks his death was an accident. I haven't figured out if she said it because she wants me to believe it or if she wants to believe that. Then she told me that he used to take a lot of pills and one day she got a call from him a couple provinces away. He couldn't remember how he even got there. My Uncle told me that my Father once did donuts on the Trans-Canada Hwy. I think that I must be as crazy as he was. I wouldn't go as far to do the donuts, but I take risks of my own, albeit, not the risks I benefit from. More like the risks that get me in deep.

She probably doesn't 'remember' saying she'd go up there with me, either. That was at least ten years ago or more. She had no intention of going up there with me and she will never get up the nerve. And Oh, will I! I will go up there and finally do what I have to do. It is important to me. And one day, I'm gonna do it. I'm not procrastinating on this. I'm just working up my nerve to do it.

Been going over my poems and I have over 900 of them. That isn't including the ones I haven't added to that list. Still working on my manuscripts.

For now, I'm going to watch American Gladiators. How I missed that show from the olden days. I watched it back 18 years ago.

Anywho, adieu!

I Want Results!!!!!

It's been a while since I've even been on the computer. About a week ago, I was in the hospital. I was freaking out pretty bad. It was embarrassing as hell. I was scared as hell and nobody seemed to want to help me. I felt so alone, and the worst part is that I know that I am. That is what scares me more than being alone, is knowing that I am.

Anyway, off that subject.... So I crashed and burned... There were other times...

So I'm still working on the weekends... At that hotel down town. It's ok for now. I have to find something else soon, though. I don't want to work so much that I never get to spend time with my kid. I want to find that happy medium, but I haven't found it yet. I always wanted to work from home, but I can't see how I could get into that. Even with the knitting machine, I can't really do much. It's more frustrating trying to use the machine than it is to knit by hand. It just takes forever. So I've been crocheting more often.

I keep wondering what is in store for me. The thing about not knowing that drives me crazy is that I WANT TO KNOW!!!! I hate being left in the dark, especially when it's MY future. I want to know what I have to look forward to. Being in the dark, I can't really see it. I just want to be able to see just a glimpse to grab onto. Y'know?

Hope is a good thing. It helps, sometimes. I mean the hoping for the best, preparing for the worst. I have to keep that in mind.

What is it that I hope for? Well I hope to be healthy and happy. Health is the main thing. Happiness.... IS YELLING BINGO. Just joking. I did get a lotto ticket. I picked 12,14, 29.... The numbers were 11, 13, 28.... F*cked again! Those thieving sons of b*tches!

Y'know what? I miss Rob. I think about him quite a bit. I still call him. We're still friends. The good thing is that I knew that if it didn't work out, we'd still be friends. I can't say that there are many guys I've dated that I still talk to. Not that I don't wonder what they are doing with their lives, but because they didn't want to be friends afterwards.

Last night, I was thinking about my dating history over the last 8 years. It sort of made me depressed. Out of those 8 years, I've had 2 long term relationships. I'd classify anything over a year as long term. The longest was 5 years. So really in the last like 3 years, well, the last couple of years....

Dating should be the furthest thing on my mind these days. I mean it's all nice to have someone tell you that they love you and all that goes with it, but it's not the end of the world. I have a little boy who always tells me he loves me. God, I'm going to miss that when he gets older. He keeps telling me that he wants a baby brother or a baby sister and I have to tell him 'wait and see' because I doubt I'll have another baby before he's ten years old, or at all. Yes, I'd like to have another kid eventually, but I don't want to have a kid just for the sake of having a kid. I'm not trying to get knocked up. I don't even think too much about sex. Of course it does cross my mind every now and again, but I know that I don't need it. The last thing I need is to get knocked up and have the guy take off on me. I've seen it happen so many times to other girls and it's sad. I'm glad that my son's father wants to stay involved. Of course he doesn't want to stay involved with me, but that he wants to stay in his son's life. That is really important to me. It always has been.

I just find it depressing sometimes because it is lonely in this life. The more I try to get close to anyone, the further they push me away. At this point, I don't want to try anymore because I'm sick of trying, and failing. I f*cking can't stand failing. I hate that feeling of being useless. It just kills me to feel that way. I know I only feel that way because I let myself feel that way. My feelings reflect on my thoughts and I should be thinking 'happy thoughts', but most of the time I keep going over all the things I failed at instead of looking at the things I've succeeded at. I finished high school before my kid was born, I finished college, I finally got a part time job. It just doesn't seem good enough to me. It seems as though I've stalled somewhere because I should be further ahead than I am now. I feel like I missed opportunities I should have taken. And that I've taken risks that set me back.

I don't know why I feel that way about my life. I just want to make a really big accomplishment, something that I can always look back on no matter what happens and say that I did the right thing. I mean I have dreams, but I might never accomplish any of them. I know that I have to get out there and take risks to get anything done, but I want to know that I can achieve what I set out to do instead of going out there, giving it all I've got, and not getting a single result. I WANT RESULTS!!!! PREFERABLY GOOD RESULTS. I just don't want to feel as though there is so much out there that I'm missing out on. I hate feeling left out, feeling like I'm missing out on something great.

The more I think about it, the more depressing it gets. I just have to look on the bright side. It is hard to do sometimes and if there's anyone who knows that, it's me. I feel as though I'm not living up to my potential. This year is going to be about discovering what I can do. I know I have some sort of hidden abilities that might even make my life better. Who knows? I'd really like to find out what I'm good at doing and try to make a living out of it. The only thing I really enjoy doing is the artistic stuff. I never said I was any good at it. I just like to do it. It's important to have a job that you like. I know that I'm not good at dealing with people so obviously a job where I have to be of service to others, like public relations, wouldn't be ideal for me. I need a job where I can just focus on the task at hand then move onto the next task. I am a task oriented person. I like to take things a step at a time. I have to take my life a step at a time. One day at a time. I'll never know what tomorrow will be like. I'll never know what will happen next.

Watching Montel....

Today I was watching a bit of the Montel show. I couldn't watch all of it because my kid was playing in the living room, but I caught enough of it. It was about pedophiles and they had two of them as guests on the show, interviewing them about their sick perversions. It really is a perversion as far as I'm concerned. A sexual deviance like that is a perversion. That is how I see it. There isn't anything about children that is appealing in that way. It really angers me. Having been a child, and having a child. Of course being a person of sound moral sense.

They had that guy on. The guy with the website citing free speech. My ass! If promoting hatred is illegal, then promoting pedophilia most certainly should be for f*ck's sake. Promoting any kind of illegal activity or anything associated with criminal activity should be illegal. Plain and simple. This guy has a website dedicated to posting pictures of young girls from like 3-11 and citing places to find these girls for other pervs to get ideas where to go look for their targets. Sick Sonofab*tch. And for some f*cking reason he gets away with it because it's free speech. Of course there are limits to our freedoms, especially when he uses his 'freedom' to put others' freedoms at stake. Especially when he is using his 'freedom' to violate the rights of others. Especially when these are children at risk here. That should be enough to shut down his website. That should be enough to put him in jail for counseling. That is the charge of basically counseling a person on how to commit a crime. We have such laws in Canada, and it would be wise if they had it wherever-the-hell-he-is U.S.A.

The statistics on child abuse was staggering. They said that 1 in 4 girls would be victims and 1 in 6 boys would be. They had 300,000 reports per year and that is only half because the other half went unreported. There are like half a million sex offenders in the States and 100,000 of them are currently unaccounted for. This is serious sh*t. What I don't understand is why they let them out of jail. I can understand if it was an issue of overcrowding, but if they release them, why not release them to a psychiatric facility? Their release from prison could be on the condition that they receive medical treatment. This might have to be castration. I know that sounds cruel but it may be the only way to eliminate their 'urges'.

Sure the sex offender registry is an o.k idea because it has the public interest at heart. I give them credit there. But what happens when they move and they don't report their change of address. What happens when they become one of those 100,000 +? That doesn't prevent another child abduction or offense. What we have to do is get at the heart of the problem but that is something that we may never be able to do. Parents have to be at work and kids are at schools or other activities during the day. We put so much trust in strangers that it is scary. As my son gets older, I have my reservations about him going out of the house by himself as he will eventually do as he will be old enough to do so one of these days. I can't always be there because I will have a job that has me elsewhere. I have had talks with him about strangers and about how nobody is ever allowed to tough his private parts. And that if anything happens - God forbid- that he has to tell an adult right away and tell his parents. Even if someone else shows him their private parts of tries to get him to touch their private parts. I have to think that this talk I had with him works, but there are always other thoughts in the back of my mind. Those thoughts scare the hell out of me, but I have to face them in order to protect him. He's my son and if I had to, I would lay down my life for him. That is the honest truth.

I Make Many Mistakes.............

A part of my life has ended, and I feel really bad about it. I know I'm selfish, but it occurred to me just how selfish I was being. I took a lot for granted and maybe this is the wake up call I needed. I was always the one trying too hard in every relationship I ever had. This time, I didn't try hard enough. I don't know why that is.

All he ever wanted was for me to be happy, but I never have been happy with myself. Nothing I do seems to be good enough for anyone, anyway. Even though I know I can do better, not in my choice of a boyfriend, I mean I can do better at making a relationship work. That is what I failed to do. I've been terrified of failing, maybe I needed to fail this time because I needed to face everything I've been doing wrong from the very start.

I can say that it didn't really end in a bad way. The guy I was with before him, he left me for another girl. That broke my heart. A part of me thinks that I started another relationship because I wanted to try to recover from the emotional damage from the previous relationship. That is never a good reason to start dating again. My ego was deflated and I wanted to try to boost it, somehow.

I have to look at this as an opportunity that I probably won't have again for a while. This is my opportunity to focus on the changes I have to make in myself. Oh, the many chances that need to take place! I'm going to be thinking myself to death at work tonight, and tomorrow night. I hate when I have too much time to think about it because it will drive me crazy, especially at first.

I'm not writing about this because I want pity or any sexually suggestive comments from anyone reading this. Believe me, sex is the LAST thing on my mind and will be the LAST thing on my mind for a very long time. Sex never really meant anything to me, except an ego boost. Other than that, it's not an important part of my life. It is seriously sad when that is the only thing some people think about. Apart from flattery, it doesn't do much. And it gets sort of creepy when I read that some guy I don't know dreams about having sex with me.... Do I take this as a threat? I dunno. Should I be scared?

I feel bad about it because I feel like I wasted a year out of his life. I feel as though I disappointed his family. They had such high hopes for us, he had high hopes for us. I just wanted things to take their natural course. That is something I never did before with a relationship. I always tried to force myself into their lives. I know, now, that it isn't the way it works.

But now that I'm not being selfish and thinking about relationships, I can focus on the relationship I have with my son, and repair it. I also need to repair whatever kind of relationship I have with myself because it is important. I do know what I want, but it's not going to happen the way I want it to. It'll happen when it is ready to happen. Maybe that will take a few years. Maybe longer. Maybe I'll wait the rest of my life, trying to figure out what makes me such a f*cked up f*ck-up.

Candles & Cake!!!!

Make a slideshow - it's easy!

Easy Come, Easy Go

Well, I went to that job. Didn't go over so well. Not as well as I'd thought, although I know I could have been worse. So after that shift the guy tells me to come in the next day. So I went in to work. He had called and left a message for me on the answering machine. When he sees me he asks if I got that message. I said I didn't get it because I hadn't been there yet. Then he says nothing more about it and lets me work there that night. Went home thinking everything was o.k because I thought the message was about shifts for next week. He left a message saying his wife wants to start training someone else. He had no f*cking balls to just be honest with me. He could have just sent me home when I got there if he didn't want me to work for him. I just thought it was extremely ignorant to make me come home to that message after working for him that night. Am I wrong?

Anyway, I'll eventually find something I'm good at doing. But for now, no more pizza. The thought of pizza makes me a bit angry. Pizza sucks.

So now I'm back at square one again. Just like always. So it seems. The people were rude there anyway. They looked at me like they thought I was an idiot. Maybe I have more sense than they do. Maybe the owner's wife felt insecure about me working there. I don't know. I don't care. Their loss. No big deal. I'll just find another place to work that pays more than some shitty pizza place.

But I'd still like to find my real purpose. I mean I have to have some skills, some employable skills... It just sucks when people don't want to give me a chance....

One more week until the big 24. No, I'm not going to drink 24 beers. My itty bitty body can't handle that much. I had 4 beers at the comedy club and I was a bit hammered. I just wanted to go out and just loosen up after all the crap.

My family is going haywire again, but I think it is a good thing this time. My brother left home after Christmas after my step-father kicked him out. My mother has to realize that all 3 of her kids moved out of there because the guy is unbearable to live with. Even she calls me up telling me that she's having a rough time. It just goes in a circle. It gets rough, it gets better, it is fine, then things get rough again. It's not my problem anymore. I want to tell her that I don't really care because she made her decisions and didn't include me in most of them. Why should I fly to her rescue? It doesn't make sense to me. I mean, I do love her, but she put herself there.

I wonder how long before she realizes these things when the kids are gone and she's the only one left to pick on. I mean it just went on and on how we are never going to be anything and never get anywhere because we were just punks and he knows everything.... I don't blame my brother for wanting out of there, but he's got his issues to work out. He's the baby of the family and this is going to be his first real time out on his own, granted he has people watching out for him. I'm not really worried, maybe a bit, but I went through it at his age so I know what it's like.

He's doing well though, he's still in school and he's got a job. He'll be legal age to be on his own soon enough, by the end of April. A 16 year old can legally rent an apartment. It is sort of scary to think about it. When I was on my own for the first time I was clueless. Now it's been almost 8 years. But it's been 10 years since I've lived at home. My cousin moved out of her parent's place when she got married. Now she lives with her husband at HIS mother's place, with their 3 kids.

I find it healthy to move out on one's own. It is a right of passage I guess. I can understand people being scared to do it if they are close to their family or whatever, but I never was real close with mine. Sometimes it scares me to even think about what it would be like to be that close to my family that I never want to move away from them. I guess that's why I haven't moved from Ottawa, yet.

There will come a day that I'll want to see much more than just this valley and I'll have the time and money to travel around, but for now here is where I'll be. I'd like to go west though, if I ever have the chance. I'd like to see the mountains. There's glacier water melting and cascading off those mountains. The purest water around. It's thousands of years old. Kokane Beer is made with glacier water. It's good beer, too. I still like my blue. They should make blue actually blue. It would be cool.

I was watching a show about the tsunami in December. It was like 2o feet of water that rose to about 100 feet once it got to the shore. The back of the wave catches up to the front of the wave, making it bigger. This wave is traveling at 400 miles an hour, as fast as a plane.

The biggest tsunami in history is the one that hit Alaska 40 years ago. It was 1,750 feet high. That's like 3 or 4 atmospheres of pressure at the bottom. Nobody could swim to the top of that. Even if they could, they'd explode because of the atmospheric pressure. They call it the Benz. It's when the gases in the blood float up to the surface, like the bubbles in a can of pop. The person would get bubbles of nitrogen in their blood. Not good. :(

It's really scary what nature can do. There's not much we can do to prevent the earth's crust from shifting. It's going to keep happening millions of years after we are all gone, but it's scary. Thankfully, I'm landlocked, but all those people out there who lost a loved one. It's really sad.

Just Being Me....

The Best Of My Time

I uploaded the new pictures to the computer and to the web album.

I haven't uploaded them to flickr yet. That is probably the next step.

Anyway, Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~~~2008~~~

I won a knitting machine on ebay so now all I have to do is pay for it and wait for it. It's coming all the way from Saskatoon. I'm so excited about it.

Another thing I'm excited about is the show at the comedy club. I won 10 tickets to a show. I went last year and filled out a customer comment card and they put them into a draw. I forgot all about it and they called me up last night.

Tonight is going to be fun. There are fireworks starting just before 7:00 tonight. It starts at 18:57 because that is the year that Ottawa became the capital of Canada. They are celebrating the 150th year that Ottawa has been Canada's Capital. I've gotta bring my camera for this one.

I've been so tired today and I don't know why. Maybe I need a coffee to keep me awake. I don't want to be tired all day and all night. I don't want to end up going to bed early on New Year's Eve. If I have to I guess I'll have to, but I'll try to stay awake.

Now I have 12 months to accomplish my goals and then set new goals. My goals this year are to set myself straight in areas of my life I'm having the most difficulty in. It's in the area of emotions. I act based on how I feel rather than what I think of it and really I should be thinking things through. I have a lot of examining ahead of me in the months to come so I should be making the best of my time.

Happy Holidays

So I'm back in Ottawa now. I spent Christmas with Rob and his family in Madoc. They have less snow out there than we got. It was nice to get out of the city for a few days. The air is different, you can actually breathe. I always liked that about the country.

His family is really nice and they were good to me. It's a lot different from my family. They are so supportive and close. It's nice, but a bit scary because I'm not used to it yet. I'm used to the distance in my family. Having been on my own for so long, I'm used to it that way. Going to my mother's never felt like going home. It always felt like a visit or something like that. Y'know?

My son has been busy playing with his new toys. He was so excited about everything going on. I missed him when I was away. I didn't leave him with his father because I wanted to. I wanted to take him with me, but his son is the only family he has.

It's been a while since I've written here, and it isn't because I haven't wanted to. This time of the year is the busiest. I'm glad it is slowing down. It'll be over after New Year's Eve. Well, more like after the second week of January.

My birthday, followed by my son's birthday two days after mine. I'm glad that there is one day in between. If I need it to recuperate, I have it. Not that I get really drunk anymore. I always get hangovers and I hate them. The number one enemy.

I gave his mother the blanket I was making her. She really liked it and she said it means more to her to know that I made it for her. She was curious about it and wanted to see it, but I had it hidden until Christmas morning. It was the first gift she opened.

Rob got me a new camera for Christmas, which is something dear to me. I dropped and broke my old one. It slipped right out of my hand and landed on the floor. He took it apart and found out what was wrong with it, but the part I needed to fix it cost about as much as a new one would. The new one is nice, I really like it.

We're going to have dinner later on, with my son, and my Grandmother. She's sad as usual around Christmas. It is understandable. She lost a father, brother, and husband all different years, but around Christmas time. She's afraid of losing her sister. My great-aunt was in the hospital. They could not find anything wrong with her, yet when they discharged her from the hospital she was coughing blood. She has internal bleeding. They let her go home for Christmas. Maybe they think it will be her last. When she went into the hospital she had almost bled to death.

The court decided that the guy won't be held criminally responsible due to mental illness. He claims that his ex-girlfriend was involved in a plot to have him killed. Maybe it's paranoid schizophrenia or something. I don't really 'get' the mental illness defense. Where are they going to put him? In the R.O.H? He would get day passes and maybe come for me next? I think about that sometimes, scared that I might get onto an elevator with him on it, that he'd hold a knife to my throat.

It's been crazy, but I just want to be calm and just relax. I have so much work to do and I want to put it off. I don't want to do much of anything until Jan. 1rst. But I know that's still days away and I can't put things off until then, even though every part of my being tells me to do so. I took a bunch of pictures and there were a few that turned out well. I'll upload them here, probably later tonight.

Snow & Kindergarten

How many times have I said that I hated winter?! We have too much snow. I hate the stuff. It's too cold and it slows me down. At least I don't have to try to push a stroller in the snow anymore. That was always FUN. NOT.

My feet are still warming up from venturing outside today. I had to return some movies and then ended up getting a few more. I don't know why, but I like scary movies sometimes. Mostly, I like funny movies. Laughs are always good. The action movies are way too unrealistic for me. I tend to get bored watching action movies because their all about explosions and shooting. Boring if you ask me, but that's just me.

I think Mother Nature is getting back at us for not having much snow last winter. Nature is a Mother alright! More like Mother F*cker! Sorry, but I thought it was funny. It's all about Murphy's law. I'm demented, so don't mind me while I just go sit over here and NOT look out the window. I don't want to see any more of it. I want it to go away. Let's send it to Africa for Christmas. "Here, take this stuff. We don't need it." I wonder what they'd think of it. I guess it's exciting when you've never been around the stuff before, but you get sick of it fast, unless you are one of the few people who actually enjoys it. Count me out.

I used to play outside in the snow when I was a kid. I used to love trying to make forts and slides. Winterlude should have enough snow this year for their festivities. Should be interesting. I need snow-pants. My son hates his. He says he hates them because they make him look fat. I said: "No they don't! Besides, keeping warm is the most important thing." I told him that if I had snow-pants, I'd wear them. They do make them for adults. Just f*cking expensive as heck.

There was a sale on Saturday, and I went to check out what they had. Even with the sales, things were still really expensive. Department stores are the worst for over-pricing everything. They get shirts for like less than ten dollars each and then sell them for forty bucks. It makes me sick. I realize that they have to make their money somehow, but it does get ridiculous. I got my brother a nice jacket for Christmas for 20 bucks and I saw one that wasn't even as nice as the one I got him. It was $300. That is way too steep.

Another thing that I don't like is the fact that they sell all kinds of stuff really cheap at Cosco, but only people with businesses or things like that can get a membership there. So the poorest of the poor still have to pay crazy prices when they could get MORE of the same thing for LESS. So the richer, stay rich, and get richer. The poor never seem to get anywhere.

I was reading in the newspaper a while ago that the government is thinking and talking about making kindergarten a full day instead of just two hours a day. I think it would be a good idea, although there are many against it. One of the reasons I think that it is a good idea is because the kids will get more of a chance to learn something in the course of a day instead of just the two hours that they are in school now.

My son hates school. I asked him why. He told me that they always do 'baby things'. I know that most of the kids who start school have never been to daycare before or preschool, but those who have (like my son) have the advantage. He's been able to write his name for a long time now. He can write my name, his father's name.... He knows how to spell some three letter words. He's learning how to read and add. He's really ready for grade one or at the very least senior kindergarten. He's always asking me how to spell words and all of that. He is really smart. So in addition to making kindergarten full days, they should consider testing them in kindergarten to see if they are smart enough to skip kindergarten altogether. They are saying there are so many kids, not enough teachers, but if they tested the kids, it would lessen the amount of kids in kindergarten if that is what they are concerned about. They are concerned about class sizes, but when I was in school, it wasn't uncommon to have 30+ kids in one class. I don't think the size of the class really affects their ability to learn. I mean, in countries like Japan, they have school 7 days a week and I have no idea what the class sizes are like, but I doubt any classes in a country close to the Asian culture are small. They seem to breed like bunnies.

Anyway, I think it would improve our education standards and it would get kids reading earlier, which would really be a good thing. The first 5 years of a kid's life are the most important. This is when they learn so much. Why not take advantage of this by way of teaching them more? Teaching and learning, never really hurt anyone. Some lessons are painful, like lessons in love, but they are way too young to learn those lessons. Besides, the only love they need are from their parents at that tender age.

Three Strikes, You're OUT!!!!!

I'm not racist. I do believe that everyone should be treated equally and fairly. Having said that, I want to write about a few things.

First of all, I hate how SOME people, not all, come into Canada and exploit certain programs. Like for instance: The Toy Exchange. Otherwise known as Toy Mountain. A lot of people who use that program are only in it for the free toys. They don't even celebrate Christmas, but they go there anyway. It defeats the purpose of giving a child toys for Christmas who wouldn't get toys for Christmas. I say that if they don't celebrate Christmas, they shouldn't be there. That is my opinion. Not only that, but they take as much as they can get out of it which leaves other people with nothing. I've never gone to Toy Mountain. I believe that it is only for people who wouldn't have anything otherwise. If I know I won't have enough money at Christmas time, I save up during the year or I make my own gifts to give to family and friends.

Another thing that bothers me is the Snow Suit Fund. Welfare allocates money for winter clothing, i.e snow suits. If someone needs a snow suit for their kid, by all means go for it. But that doesn't mean that they have to be there all day because they don't like their options. Beggars can't be choosers. Literally. Be happy with what you get or get nothing at all. I've never gone to the Snow suit fund for my kid, but if I had to, I would just take the first one they gave me that fit him and be thanking them out the door and down the street. I'd be happy.

Whenever there is some special event for kids around here, it gets ruined by all the people who exploit it all. People budding in line, or pretending not to understand the rules just so that they can try to break them. I really hate that and I wish it would stop. All these programs, are meant to help people but they aren't helping people by letting them exploit them.

I feel that there are too many loop holes for those types of people. I'm not saying that they are all immigrants, but those who are immigrants should be happy that they have the opportunity to come to this country for a better life and realize that these are privileges and not rights. These social programs and whatever other programs aren't obligated to give anyone anything. They owe us nothing. Without these programs, people who would have nothing, would just have nothing and have to suffer without.

My brother is in high school. I know high schools are rough these days, and boys will be boys, but it doesn't seem right that some kids have to be scared to go to school. School is a very non-institutionalized institution. There are certain rules of conduct that are not enforced. Zero tolerance for violence is a nice concept, but enforce it already! The first year my brother was in high school, he got jumped by five guys. The principal told my mother: "A**** is a big kid, he can take care of himself". Honestly, my brother is taller than me, but he's got no weight to him. A gust of wind can send him flying to another country. I'd like to see the principal hold his own against five guys and see if he comes out of it still breathing. With the kid of attitude that guy has, I can see it on the horizon. I'd like to see how he would react to guys waiting for him after school.

The other day, there were some guys waiting for my brother outside the gym. My brother went out another door and went home. I think someone tipped him off. Intimidation is a form of violence that should not be tolerated. Fighting on or adjacent to school property should not be permitted whatsoever. I think that to be tougher on this sort of thing, they should have a '3 strikes you're out' policy. Not just for schools.

I'm not against immigration. If it weren't for immigration, I wouldn't be a Canadian. My Grandfather's father came from Scotland to Canada. I'm only 3rd generation Canadian. But I think that even for immigration, they should have that same policy. Just to get people to mellow the f*ck out when they get here. It's fine for people who want to come to Canada to lead a better life and get away from the violence of their home country, but there is NO REASON that they can't leave their violent tendencies at the border. When I read the paper, most of the time that I read about a violent crime, I see names of suspects or that of the accused and judging from those names, I get a pretty good idea that they were not originally from here.

Even in my personal life, when my mother got beat up by a group of Somalians. It doesn't make me hate that race of people just because a handful of them beat my mother into a concussion. I just hate when they try to make up an excuse for their actions by saying: "That's how we deal with disputes in our country." No, you're country is NOW CANADA. Be f*cking Canadian and stop acting like a bunch of savage animals. And, again, I'm NOT saying that they are ALL savage animals, just the ones that act as though they are.

So I think that having this policy wouldn't be a bad thing to add to the policy of immigration. If they screw up 3 times, they had their chances and they should go back to wherever the hell they came from in the first place. That goes for all immigrants no matter what country they came from, no matter what race or creed they come from. If they can't abide by Canadian laws, then they can go back and abide by their own laws.

Most of the stereotypes don't do people justice. They only exist because of the few people who misrepresented their own people. Sure, it's all nice to be politically correct and let them bring their own cultures into their new country, but if that culture is predominated by violence, then there has to be something that changes. People can't just go around shooting people just because when they were little they were trained to use a gun or whatever the case may be. People can't go around beating on other people because the only kind of justice they ever knew was 'street justice'. Everybody who lives in Canada has the OBLIGATION to preserve the peace. That means not acting like a bunch of f*cking monkeys causing sh*t. No pun intended.

I got my brother a new jacket for Christmas. I told my mother that he's not allowed to wear it to school because I don't want some punk trying to beat my brother into the ground just to take a twenty dollar jacket. I paid twenty dollars for it but I got it at $75 off. My brother got bit in the stomach by some kid because the kid wanted my brother's shoes. He got those shoes at Wal-Mart for like $15. The kid that bit him was 15 and my brother was maybe 13 at the time. It just goes to show that a lot of parents don't discipline their children anymore. The best way to raise a child is to teach them self-discipline. You teach them that you don't do things to people that you wouldn't want them to do to you.

My kid was talking to me about something he learned in school today. He was talking about what he thinks the word 'peace' means. He says to me: "Mommy, do you know what peace means?" I asked him what he thought it meant. He said: "Peace means when people are being good, it is so quiet and people can sit and do nothing." I told him that peace also means no fighting or bad things. They talked about it in class for Remembrance Day. He told me: "We wear poppies to remember the soldiers who died." It's amazing how much kids learn when they are at school. But the most important thing kids can be taught is RESPECT. This is something they should be taught at home.

I have to have a talk with my son about respect. He's getting at that age where he wants to always argue with me about everything. It drives me crazy. I have to send him to his room sometimes, but I don't think that will work for very much longer. When he is in trouble, he knows he is in trouble and he cries. When he cries, I feel bad and I try harder to explain to him in a gentle way that what he did was bad and why it is bad. I can't see how some parents just let their kids do whatever they want. That doesn't teach them anything and it definitely doesn't teach them respect. If a kid can't respect their parents enough to listen and behave at home, then how can they even function properly in society? Defiance is disrespect. Parents have to teach their children respect for them so that they can be respectful to others.

Keep Trying

I know I should just enjoy life. Lately I've just felt really down. I don't know why. I had a bad dream a couple of nights ago. It's a dream I can't talk about. I was crying because it scared the crap out of me. I had to face a lot of things in that dream that I'm not ready to face yet.

It's probably just hormones or something, but whatever it is, it is preventing me from moving on with the rest of my life. I regret mistakes I've made in my life. I know I'll keep making mistakes. Hopefully not the same mistakes over and over. Hopefully I have learned enough to do things differently. Maybe the regret of my mistakes has been weighing on me and so much so that I can't seem to let go. I have to realize that I can't undo my mistakes and I have to realize that soon.

I think a lot of the reason I am depressed is because Christmas is looming nearer with each passing day. Christmas has never been the same. My Grandfather died three days before Christmas. We went to his funeral on boxing day. I think that is the only Christmas that the whole family was together, despite the circumstances. I just hate Christmas. I feel as though I have nothing to give to anyone. I've been making a few gifts this year. I know it is too commercialized. And it's not really about the gifts. I just want to be able to give my family something special. I try every year to do this. And every year it seems as though I don't have a job around Christmas time or I seem to lose my job around Christmas time. It just depresses me that I can't really do much this year.

I'm just upset with myself these days for not being able to get a job yet and everything that is impacted by that. It's not even the middle of the month yet and I'm already broke. I called a place about a job. A guy I used to work with got a job with some cleaning company and he said they were looking for someone. When I called them, they just took my name and number saying that they would call me if something came up. I don't expect to hear from them. At least I tried.

I found a place near Ottawa that sells knitting machines. I am thinking about going there sometime this week to look at them. I know I can't really afford to buy one right now, but I'm thinking that if I do buy one and make stuff to sell, I'll have some money coming in. I talked to a guy who sells hats and stuff at the college and he told me that if I make a whole bunch, he'd sell them for me. Of course I'd give him a cut. With a knitting machine, I could finally use up all the wool I have around here and then I wouldn't feel guilty about buying new wool.

For some reason, I'm having a hard time sticking to just one project at a time. I've started several different things. Plus there are projects that I started a long time ago that I forgot about. I put all my wool and things into a big bag and a big box. One of my projects is almost done and that will be a Christmas present for this year. I'm trying to make my mother a pair of mitts for her birthday which is coming up this month. I'm making 3 scarves, a hat, and I can't remember what else. I think I have a lot of ambition when it comes to knitting, but I don't seem to have patience. I need patience to be able to stick to one thing until it is finished.

As for not mentioning my boyfriend too much anymore, well we are still together. We are working some things out right now, but it isn't a big deal. We see each other on weekends and talk to each other during the week. I'm going to meet more of his family around Christmas time. It will be exciting. His cousin has cows and we are probably going to go milk them. I've milked cows only once before. It's a lot easier to milk them with the suction machine than to do it by hand. I saw something on t.v once where a farmer invented water beds for his cows and they produced twice as much milk. I think having a good night's sleep would definitely help cows make more milk. When they're sore and stiff they probably don't make as much milk as they could make. The cows loved their water beds. They aren't really that thick, just enough of a cushion to be comfortable. I don't think my son has been really close to cows before. It should be interesting. He was on a horse once, that was when I was 5 months pregnant. I tell you that it is a difficult task to dismount from a horse when you have to face the other way. The horses were already used to me because I was around them quite a bit. I even rode them before I got pregnant. I think they could smell that my body had changed.

Anyway, I have to get ready to go back out again. I'm going to pick up my son from school. I can't wait until he goes to school full days so that I have more time to look for work, but hopefully I will have found something by then. That is a long ways away so I'd better have found something by then. Oh well, keep trying I guess. Until I just can't try anymore.

Attempting to Advance

I decided to fight the darkness for another day. I have to look on the bright side. Sometimes waiting isn't such a bad thing. I've never been comfortable with it. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm young and that I have so much time. There are two problems with that. Yes, I'm 23, but I feel twice my age most of the time. I can be both mature and immature. I have to admit that I have a long way to go, but in many ways, I'm already there. Or at least I think I'm there. I'm not ALL there, but parts of me are.

One fact remains. I have to have hope. Even if it hurts to be let down. If I am hopeful yet gentle with my expectations, then I won't be let down. I only let myself down. I refuse to wait. When I have no other choice. That's how I go about screwing things up. I don't want to let nature just run its course because I want to have a hand in my own fate. That's one thing that a lot of people don't understand about me. They don't get the intensity of my nature. I am an intense person, always have been. It scares people. It scares me more when it scares them.

I take a lot of things seriously, too seriously. That is a problem. A big problem. I have to stop it.

I mean it's good to take some things seriously, but there is a lot in life I don't have to take seriously. It would save me emotionally not to focus too hard on some things. Like being liked. Some people are going to like me for who I am, some people are going to hate me for who I am, but most of them will just hate me because they don't know who I am. I know hate is a strong word, but there are people out there who really do not like me and not surprisingly are the same people I really don't like.

I don't know why being liked is important to me because it really shouldn't matter. Of course people feel better about themselves when they know that they are liked. Opposed to not being liked. Maybe it is because I feel like I am a good person and therefore people should like a good person. Maybe that is why I want people to like me. Maybe I need to feel accepted among my peers. Maybe I just want to feel adequate. It comes down to what I think about myself and I think I have a fear of inadequacy. Deep down inside I am afraid of being inadequate. I think this is a normal thing to go through. I think many people go through this on a daily basis just like I do.

I think I feel better having admitted that I am afraid of inadequacy. Maybe that is why my expectations are high. I want things in my life to be adequate and therefore I must be adequate. Maybe I strive too hard for perfection. Of course there is no such thing as perfection. It is an ideal much like justice. The words themselves exist, but the ideals are solely ideals. It would be ideal if the world was a just place, it would be ideal if I was perfect. It would be ideal if we all were perfect and life itself was perfect, if everything was perfect, but alas, people are imperfect and they make mistakes, they take too long to respond, they act without thinking, without any reason whatsoever behind their actions.... All of this and more. We are complex and complicated creatures. Nothing more than creatures.

We can express ourselves, our thoughts, or feelings... Expression is key to communication and communication is the ultimate key. With communication, we can solve problems, among various other applications. And there are languages, many languages that work along the same principles. Expression = communication. Even body language. My son was talking about body language today. I asked him where he learned that. He said he learned that on the movie: "The Little Mermaid." If a kid who isn't even 5 years old yet can understand body language, what it is, then we all should be able to grasp that concept.

I think another one of my problems is that I make too many assumptions. I should assume the best in all situations, but when I come to expect the worst, my assumptions are negative. Negative assumptions aren't good. They aren't healthy. For the mind or the soul, both affect the body. I keep thinking about psycho-somatic. It is when your mind very strongly affects your body. Psycho-somatic death is when someone convinces themselves they are dying and then actually dies. People can literally scare themselves to death as well. They say mind over body. Mind over matter. The will is a strong thing. A person can will themselves to live or will themselves to die. It is all a matter of the mind.

Optimism is optimal. I have to look on the bright side of life. This can be hard to do sometimes, but it has to be done. Too much negativity can poison a person. I have felt those effects before. I don't like how it felt and always wanted to feel better than that. I don't feel that I'm worth more than that, but I have to learn how to make myself feel as though I am worth that. I am worth a healthy life. I am worth making changes for. My son is worth making changes for. I have to find the strength from within myself to advance.

Overthinking

Things are going pretty well thus far. I like the hotel I'm in. Things are moving along there. I have to practice making the beds. I know that this isn't a hard job, but king sized beds are BIG. Making all these beds for strangers to sleep in. We clean 16 rooms in about 8 hours. The ladies training me have let me make the beds and do the dusting, and vacuuming. They clean the bathrooms and check the beds. They always find something wrong with how I made them. I don't make my bed at home and even if I did, I wouldn't bother doing hospital corners. If I wanted hospital corners, then I'd check myself into the mental hospital. I haven't been in there since before the renovations.

I've had a few things on my mind. I can't really get into any of it. It's just that when you give your number to someone, it would be nice if they called. Or when you write to someone, it would be nice if they wrote back, even if it is just to say they got your message. I'm always wondering why they didn't call or why they didn't write back. Then I worry.

Other than that, well, I just won't get into it here. This month I ran into a couple of guys from my classes in college. One is a bar tender and the other is a security guard at a mall. I don't know why the guy who is a bar tender went into that field. Maybe he likes it. As long as he's happy where he is and with what he's doing. He said he wanted to be a rock star instead of go into policing. His father is a cop and his sister is a cop. He just doesn't want to go into it and I think he just took policing in college because his father wanted him to.

There were a few people like that in the class. One was a chick at the top of our class. She was pushed by her father who probably had the dream of being a cop and couldn't so he wants his daughter to fulfill his dream for him. I can't think of any other reason why someone would push their kid into doing something.

My kid still wants to be a bunny farmer. If that is what he wants to be, then he can be a bunny farmer. And I'll help him by bunny-sitting. Speaking of baby animals... My kitten is becoming a pest. I gave him an oyster to eat, he scarfed it down. Then he decided he wanted more so he was pouncing at the girl cat trying to get her food. Yes, cats like oysters. Yes, I tend to spoil my cats from time to time. If I was a cat, I'd want to be spoiled. I'd want to be attached to someone's lap all the time (unless that person smelled really bad).

Anyway, still thinking about a bunch of things these days. I think about that incident last year, the guy with the knife who nearly killed that woman. I knew him. I hung out with him before they even met each other. It still scares me to think of it. I try not to think about it. A whole year has passed since it happened, since he got arrested. I kept thinking that he could have come after me instead of her and that I could have been the one laying in a pool of my own blood, freezing to death, bleeding to death in the park. But it wasn't me. Some woman I never met. Some unlucky woman who was almost killed.

I'm just tired. Pretty tired. I don't know why. Gotta do some laundry. See you later.

Going to Work (co-op)

Friday was my last day of classes. Tomorrow will be my first day of co-op. Only six of us were picked for one of the highest end hotels in the city. I was one of them. I can't say which hotel, on here, but it is a fancy one downtown. I can say that it's not Le Chateau Laurier. I can also say that I'm nervous about working there. Mostly because I want that job, but I'm scared about screwing up. I've been kicked out of there before, I just don't want to get kicked out of there when I'm supposed to be there.

I woke up pretty early today. Well, not as early as I had to get up for school, but pretty early for a Sunday when I could have slept in. I couldn't get back to sleep. And my kitten was playing with my hair and sniffing my face. He's doing a bit better now, but he's still driving the other cat crazy. She doesn't want to play anymore and he always wants to play. His idea of playing with her is jumping on her and trying to bite her with his little baby kitty teeth. I thought they'd be getting along by now, but not yet. It took her a long time to get used to Oscar. She spent about two weeks hiding from him in the hall closet.

I'm going to try to do some heavy duty cleaning in my place today. I'm trying to get ready for my job as best as I can. I know that cleaning doesn't have anything to do with what I took in college, but it pays more than I was making as a security guard. Pay Dirt.

The thing is that once I'm actually in there, my pay will increase every year. If I work there for ten years, I might be making around $20/h. I'm already thinking about holiday pay. Time and a half.... I really want to get working as soon as possible. I want to start putting money away for the future. I have to be careful with my money. This month hasn't been as bad as last month. I mean I haven't spent as much. I went and got my bank records for this year and last year. I can see how much I have spent that I didn't need to spend. If I had put all of that money away, I wouldn't have had as many problems. Sometimes I go shopping when I feel bad about something. I do it because giving myself treats makes me feel good, but then I realize that I shouldn't have spent that money, I feel bad again. I don't go shopping often. I don't really like to go shopping. Unless I'm going shopping with my son because he'll see something he likes and he will ask me to buy it for him. When I don't have the money to buy him something, I just tell him that I don't have enough money right now and I say; "Maybe another time." He always just says "OK". He's never upset to the point of a temper tantrum. He's only really grumpy when he's tired. He still needs naps, which is good because his mom still needs naps, too.

So anyway, I'm going to start my cleaning today and I'll let you know how it goes.

Have yourselves a good rest of this weekend!

More Promises to be Broken

Today some guy came to my door canvassing for the Liberal Party. He gave me a pamphlet and asked me if I will support them. I said I'd think about it. I haven't voted for the liberals yet and I don't see any real reason why I should start. I want to see what the Conservatives will do with a majority government. I think they deserve a chance. We've had a Liberal government for too long now and things went downhill. I don't like Dalton and nobody will convince me to start liking the guy. He comes across too arrogant to me. That is my opinion. He doesn't know what it is like to be poor. He's living the high life now and everyone underneath him he treats like sh*t. Again, only my opinion. If you like the Liberals, then be my guest, like them all you want, but don't be waving your red political flag in my face because I'll likely shove it up your ass, or I will tell you to shove it up your own ass.

On the pamphlet it has things in it that I don't agree with. It made me laugh for the most part. They keep making it seem like all the problems they say they will address weren't caused by them. Like the mention of the Clean Water Act. They put that in place because of Walkerton. If it wasn't for that happening in the first place, they wouldn't have reformed the act. Who was in power when it happened? The Liberals. Who said that water didn't need regular testing? Mike Harris. I understand that the reason they made so many cut backs to services was to deplete the deficit. With the Conservatives, we have a $13.5 million dollar surplus. I believe it was the Liberals who were fond of closing schools and hospitals. I ask this question: How can you expect to have smaller class sizes when there are fewer schools? That doesn't make any sense.

It makes me wonder how a government can expect to achieve their 'good goals' when they do things to backtrack and prevent progress.

The Liberals said they wouldn't introduce any new taxes and yet they introduced some stupid health care tax. Health care is supposed to be free in Canada. It is one reason why Canada is such a great country. When political parties are promoting themselves in an election campaign they never point out their own faults. They don't talk about the Ad Scam. It was a big scandal and now people aren't talking about it as much as when they were doing the inquiry. Even the results of the inquiry hasn't really gotten to people. How can a government basically embezzle money and not get seriously reprimanded for it? During the last election, some politicians went to the opposing party and joined. Maybe that really says something. People were shocked and angry. They had their motives which probably included more money. But to say "to hell with the liberals, I want to be a conservative." That really says something about the liberals. It would say a lot about any party that had this happen to them.

I have to honestly admit that when it comes to politics, I'm not savvy. I don't really follow up on politicians. Most of them, if not all of them are crooks. Common thieves. They think it is ok to steal from the government because it is basically a faceless corporation. I find that it is becoming too bureaucratic oppose to democratic. This whole thing with the referendum... It bugs me. Just because if they change the way it is now, it might make it so that there will be more minority governments. All the other parties screw each other over more than they back each other up. It's all about competition, but it should be more about competence.

In this pamphlet about the liberals, they have these promised programs, plans, grants etc. How much of it, if any of it will actually come to fruition? They claim to have more people in Ontario working in the last 4 years. They don't mention that most of these are part time jobs that only pay minimum wage which isn't much to live off.

They say they want to hire more police, sure that might look good, but in reality, the money that they are given for 'resources' goes to paying the salaries in the first place. They need RESOURCES not necessarily more police. What about their safety? There have been so many police who have died in the line of duty. The gun registry was to protect them as a resource, but what good is having a gun registry when the registration fees were so high and the criminals are not going to register a stolen gun? That whole thing spiraled so far out of control. Only a year after buying the new computer system for the registry they decided they needed more money (like a billion dollars more) to 'upgrade' to a new computer system. I don't even think that it was a whole year after. They wasted so much money on that and it didn't work. The initial idea or concept of it was ok. It was all for a good cause, but realistically, it didn't work. For various reasons. In my opinion, cops aren't paid enough for the sh*t they have to do in their job. I know that is bad to say because they chose that field to begin with, but I can see teachers making more than cops in the near future. Education should be a mandatory public service. Which means teachers shouldn't be allowed to strike. It messes up the students' education plans. It makes students not really respect the education system. Especially after paying tuition that doesn't get refunded. If the service people are paying for is not provided, they should get their money back. Why should a teacher get paid to teach classes they aren't teaching due to a strike?
I can say I like teachers. Not all of them, but most. It is a good career choice. What I don't agree about it is the strikes. Everyone wants more money, but having strikes only pisses people off. I know it has much to do with the union. A lot of teachers wouldn't choose to go on strike and these are the ones who enjoy teaching. They are the ones who are teachers for the right reasons. It's the ones who are teaching for all the wrong reasons who shouldn't be teachers.

Maybe it is because of the school shootings, but that has been going on for a long time. If they had better security measures in place at schools, these things wouldn't happen as often. Metal detectors are in some schools. Especially in the states. That is because of their constitution. That part was added into the constitution like 200 years ago. It's not the wild west or the wild frontier anymore. We have become (for the most part) civilized human beings. We can communicate before resorting to using force. It shouldn't be a right to own a gun because the chances of having to use the gun or wanting to use the gun are too high. We need to do something about it.

We just need to have a huge meeting with someone who can fix the problems. Or a group of people who actually care about solving these problems to actually make the progress. I bet you that if Dalton went home and found his front door kicked in that he'd want to be tougher on crime or if anyone killed his loved ones he'd want to make sure that this country was tougher on criminals. Right now, since he is living such a peachy life and these things that happen to others don't directly affect him, he couldn't give two sh*ts.

Canadians need a leader who will stand up for all of us, protect our rights, not make families poorer, give us something to appreciate. By giving us something to appreciate, it shows that the government appreciates our country, and not just our country, but the people who make Canada what it is. We need someone we can trust not to try to pull the wool over our eyes. We need stability as a country and I think the best approach to stability is a conservative approach and not a liberal approach. We don't need the liberals reaching as far into our pockets as their greedy little fingers can reach. They are too liberal with our tax dollars and they have stolen from us before. I don't want to give them the chance to do it again.

Back To School

I knew I wanted to go back to school, but I didn't think I'd get the chance to. I guess it is just a small start. It could lead to something all that much bigger. My starting salary will be higher than it was when I was a security guard. All the good jobs are out west. They get paid more because their economy is doing better than that of Ontario. Enough oil out there to keep us slicked for years to come. Lots of money in that industry. A lot of Americans in the oil industry end up coming up here and buying out smaller companies.

Anyway, I want to get this job. I could be a week away from working after this course. Taking this course does not guarantee employment for everyone taking it. I think I stand a good chance. I had a lot of cleaning jobs.

Today was pretty straight forward. It was just going over the rules which are the basic rules we have in any work place. We get lots of breaks during the day which helps ease the anxiety of the so-called competition. Of course I know which ones are already going to be hired because of their previous work experience.

One thing I learned today is that you can learn a lot by listening. Just listening to people talk to each other. I just observe. All the other students are women. Women love to talk about anything just to be heard. I should know. After all, this blog is full of useless stuff because I am a woman, and I, on occasion, can talk a lot. I know that most stereotypes aren't true, but there are some that are very close to being true. So I listen to these girls on break just go on and on about random stuff. It is weird, because I rarely have anything to say in these so-called group discussions. So I just watch, listen, learn, observe.

Last night I took my guitar out of the case and I was playing it for a bit, going over any little bit I knew, trying to remember how to play it. In the dark, it was more challenging because I couldn't see where to place my fingers. I think it is the only way I'll learn how to play well is if I can't focus on where to put my fingers. I have to get a feel for this guitar. We've bonded a few times. I think of my father's spirit when I play it. Maybe I should practice more often.

I have my plate full at the moment. Going to school is hard because my kid is only in school for half the day. I have someone to help me look after him for the week, and my mother will help out on her days off next week. That should hopefully give me enough time to make other arrangements. The reason having a kid is so stressful is providing that child with a safe environment 24/7. I know it is my responsibility, solely mine. It is my obligation as a mother. And it is my son's right to be safe. I have to uphold his rights. I want to do what is best for my child. I think taking this course will help me get a job and that is ultimately the best for him.

Life is always going to be a balancing act, and with activity must come rest.

After a long day, I return to sleep. Good Night!

A Book Away

Let's face it, the world is a different place than it used to be. The more I think about it, the more it scares me. I try not to think about it, but I know I can't simply forget about it. I have to live in this world. I have to raise a child in this world. We all have to think about it at some point in our lives, but the more we think about it, the more we live in fear. We can't be afraid because life is short, too short.

It always happens when you try not to think about it. That darkness that is all around us. When you push it away, it comes back. You try to ignore it, but it is there. Always there, affecting something, someone. Strangers we don't know. People cannot predict the actions of others. Some things are accidents, other things are deliberate. I think that the opposite of compassion is cruelty. Maybe those who are the most cruel lack compassion simply because in the capacity where compassion should be is cruelty instead. I think about these things. I wonder what makes someone so cruel. The absence of compassion could only be one of a billion things. Some things are obviously beyond the comprehension my brain is capable of. I do not understand cruelty.

Obviously, to every action there is a reaction, being consequences and so forth. Every affect along the chain. In the initial thought process before the action had even begun to occur... People who are self-centered like most if not all sociopaths, would think along the lines of what they get out of the act. There is a part of the brain that controls the body's reward system. Scientists believe that this part of the brain is highly influential in decision making, especially deciding which course of action to take pending that decision. I think they call it altruism. Something like that. I read something in the newspaper about it a long time ago. I clipped the article for my scrapbook, but it never made it to my scrapbook.

I was watching batman earlier and I'm impressed with all the secret ninja techniques and such. Their trick to being 'invisible' is patience and agility. It's a neat culture and stuff.

Speaking of agility, I was watching the MTV awards on t.v last night and Britney Spears was on there doing a 'comeback' concert thing. She fell out of sync with her back up dancers and forgot to lip-sync with the music. It was pretty bad. What was REALLY bad was what the comic had to say about her after the performance. All of it was pretty much the truth, which made it funny, but it was pretty mean. Which made it funnier.

Nothing really going on, yet. I'll be busier at the end of the week. That is for sure. Then next week will be even worse. I'm really scared about that week. The week I start my course because of everything. Once everything is set, it won't be so bad.

Anyway, I found a book I'm going to get into, see if I can really get into it. Some books start off strong and I lose interest in them. Anyway, most books are worth a chance. They made it to the publisher so they have to be sort of decent. I've read books that I wouldn't recommend because they sucked. I read books that I never wanted to put down because they were so frigg'n good. I'm not choosy, I give pretty much anything a shot, but some books I just can't get into. If it is too complicated to explain the story in a simple format, then I would lose interest. When I ask people what a book is about and they tell me that it is too complicated to explain, it intimidates me. But books that have always been great are The Hardy Boys Series. They are well written. The same author who wrote The Hardy Boys also wrote Nancy Drew. She just used a different name. She thought that young boys wouldn't want to read books written by a chick who writes girls' books. I can't wait until my son is at an age that I can read him older stories like The Hardy Boys. I saved the ones I accumulated over the years for him to read when he gets older. I'm also getting him excited about going to the library and picking books to bring home to read at bedtime. I want him to grow up to be responsible enough to have his own library card. And I want him to still be as interested in reading as he is now. I want him to learn all that he can. I want to help give him those tools to learn all he can.

So off to reading I go for now. Good Night.