Keep Trying

I know I should just enjoy life. Lately I've just felt really down. I don't know why. I had a bad dream a couple of nights ago. It's a dream I can't talk about. I was crying because it scared the crap out of me. I had to face a lot of things in that dream that I'm not ready to face yet.

It's probably just hormones or something, but whatever it is, it is preventing me from moving on with the rest of my life. I regret mistakes I've made in my life. I know I'll keep making mistakes. Hopefully not the same mistakes over and over. Hopefully I have learned enough to do things differently. Maybe the regret of my mistakes has been weighing on me and so much so that I can't seem to let go. I have to realize that I can't undo my mistakes and I have to realize that soon.

I think a lot of the reason I am depressed is because Christmas is looming nearer with each passing day. Christmas has never been the same. My Grandfather died three days before Christmas. We went to his funeral on boxing day. I think that is the only Christmas that the whole family was together, despite the circumstances. I just hate Christmas. I feel as though I have nothing to give to anyone. I've been making a few gifts this year. I know it is too commercialized. And it's not really about the gifts. I just want to be able to give my family something special. I try every year to do this. And every year it seems as though I don't have a job around Christmas time or I seem to lose my job around Christmas time. It just depresses me that I can't really do much this year.

I'm just upset with myself these days for not being able to get a job yet and everything that is impacted by that. It's not even the middle of the month yet and I'm already broke. I called a place about a job. A guy I used to work with got a job with some cleaning company and he said they were looking for someone. When I called them, they just took my name and number saying that they would call me if something came up. I don't expect to hear from them. At least I tried.

I found a place near Ottawa that sells knitting machines. I am thinking about going there sometime this week to look at them. I know I can't really afford to buy one right now, but I'm thinking that if I do buy one and make stuff to sell, I'll have some money coming in. I talked to a guy who sells hats and stuff at the college and he told me that if I make a whole bunch, he'd sell them for me. Of course I'd give him a cut. With a knitting machine, I could finally use up all the wool I have around here and then I wouldn't feel guilty about buying new wool.

For some reason, I'm having a hard time sticking to just one project at a time. I've started several different things. Plus there are projects that I started a long time ago that I forgot about. I put all my wool and things into a big bag and a big box. One of my projects is almost done and that will be a Christmas present for this year. I'm trying to make my mother a pair of mitts for her birthday which is coming up this month. I'm making 3 scarves, a hat, and I can't remember what else. I think I have a lot of ambition when it comes to knitting, but I don't seem to have patience. I need patience to be able to stick to one thing until it is finished.

As for not mentioning my boyfriend too much anymore, well we are still together. We are working some things out right now, but it isn't a big deal. We see each other on weekends and talk to each other during the week. I'm going to meet more of his family around Christmas time. It will be exciting. His cousin has cows and we are probably going to go milk them. I've milked cows only once before. It's a lot easier to milk them with the suction machine than to do it by hand. I saw something on t.v once where a farmer invented water beds for his cows and they produced twice as much milk. I think having a good night's sleep would definitely help cows make more milk. When they're sore and stiff they probably don't make as much milk as they could make. The cows loved their water beds. They aren't really that thick, just enough of a cushion to be comfortable. I don't think my son has been really close to cows before. It should be interesting. He was on a horse once, that was when I was 5 months pregnant. I tell you that it is a difficult task to dismount from a horse when you have to face the other way. The horses were already used to me because I was around them quite a bit. I even rode them before I got pregnant. I think they could smell that my body had changed.

Anyway, I have to get ready to go back out again. I'm going to pick up my son from school. I can't wait until he goes to school full days so that I have more time to look for work, but hopefully I will have found something by then. That is a long ways away so I'd better have found something by then. Oh well, keep trying I guess. Until I just can't try anymore.