I Want Results!!!!!

It's been a while since I've even been on the computer. About a week ago, I was in the hospital. I was freaking out pretty bad. It was embarrassing as hell. I was scared as hell and nobody seemed to want to help me. I felt so alone, and the worst part is that I know that I am. That is what scares me more than being alone, is knowing that I am.

Anyway, off that subject.... So I crashed and burned... There were other times...

So I'm still working on the weekends... At that hotel down town. It's ok for now. I have to find something else soon, though. I don't want to work so much that I never get to spend time with my kid. I want to find that happy medium, but I haven't found it yet. I always wanted to work from home, but I can't see how I could get into that. Even with the knitting machine, I can't really do much. It's more frustrating trying to use the machine than it is to knit by hand. It just takes forever. So I've been crocheting more often.

I keep wondering what is in store for me. The thing about not knowing that drives me crazy is that I WANT TO KNOW!!!! I hate being left in the dark, especially when it's MY future. I want to know what I have to look forward to. Being in the dark, I can't really see it. I just want to be able to see just a glimpse to grab onto. Y'know?

Hope is a good thing. It helps, sometimes. I mean the hoping for the best, preparing for the worst. I have to keep that in mind.

What is it that I hope for? Well I hope to be healthy and happy. Health is the main thing. Happiness.... IS YELLING BINGO. Just joking. I did get a lotto ticket. I picked 12,14, 29.... The numbers were 11, 13, 28.... F*cked again! Those thieving sons of b*tches!

Y'know what? I miss Rob. I think about him quite a bit. I still call him. We're still friends. The good thing is that I knew that if it didn't work out, we'd still be friends. I can't say that there are many guys I've dated that I still talk to. Not that I don't wonder what they are doing with their lives, but because they didn't want to be friends afterwards.

Last night, I was thinking about my dating history over the last 8 years. It sort of made me depressed. Out of those 8 years, I've had 2 long term relationships. I'd classify anything over a year as long term. The longest was 5 years. So really in the last like 3 years, well, the last couple of years....

Dating should be the furthest thing on my mind these days. I mean it's all nice to have someone tell you that they love you and all that goes with it, but it's not the end of the world. I have a little boy who always tells me he loves me. God, I'm going to miss that when he gets older. He keeps telling me that he wants a baby brother or a baby sister and I have to tell him 'wait and see' because I doubt I'll have another baby before he's ten years old, or at all. Yes, I'd like to have another kid eventually, but I don't want to have a kid just for the sake of having a kid. I'm not trying to get knocked up. I don't even think too much about sex. Of course it does cross my mind every now and again, but I know that I don't need it. The last thing I need is to get knocked up and have the guy take off on me. I've seen it happen so many times to other girls and it's sad. I'm glad that my son's father wants to stay involved. Of course he doesn't want to stay involved with me, but that he wants to stay in his son's life. That is really important to me. It always has been.

I just find it depressing sometimes because it is lonely in this life. The more I try to get close to anyone, the further they push me away. At this point, I don't want to try anymore because I'm sick of trying, and failing. I f*cking can't stand failing. I hate that feeling of being useless. It just kills me to feel that way. I know I only feel that way because I let myself feel that way. My feelings reflect on my thoughts and I should be thinking 'happy thoughts', but most of the time I keep going over all the things I failed at instead of looking at the things I've succeeded at. I finished high school before my kid was born, I finished college, I finally got a part time job. It just doesn't seem good enough to me. It seems as though I've stalled somewhere because I should be further ahead than I am now. I feel like I missed opportunities I should have taken. And that I've taken risks that set me back.

I don't know why I feel that way about my life. I just want to make a really big accomplishment, something that I can always look back on no matter what happens and say that I did the right thing. I mean I have dreams, but I might never accomplish any of them. I know that I have to get out there and take risks to get anything done, but I want to know that I can achieve what I set out to do instead of going out there, giving it all I've got, and not getting a single result. I WANT RESULTS!!!! PREFERABLY GOOD RESULTS. I just don't want to feel as though there is so much out there that I'm missing out on. I hate feeling left out, feeling like I'm missing out on something great.

The more I think about it, the more depressing it gets. I just have to look on the bright side. It is hard to do sometimes and if there's anyone who knows that, it's me. I feel as though I'm not living up to my potential. This year is going to be about discovering what I can do. I know I have some sort of hidden abilities that might even make my life better. Who knows? I'd really like to find out what I'm good at doing and try to make a living out of it. The only thing I really enjoy doing is the artistic stuff. I never said I was any good at it. I just like to do it. It's important to have a job that you like. I know that I'm not good at dealing with people so obviously a job where I have to be of service to others, like public relations, wouldn't be ideal for me. I need a job where I can just focus on the task at hand then move onto the next task. I am a task oriented person. I like to take things a step at a time. I have to take my life a step at a time. One day at a time. I'll never know what tomorrow will be like. I'll never know what will happen next.