Attempting to Advance

I decided to fight the darkness for another day. I have to look on the bright side. Sometimes waiting isn't such a bad thing. I've never been comfortable with it. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm young and that I have so much time. There are two problems with that. Yes, I'm 23, but I feel twice my age most of the time. I can be both mature and immature. I have to admit that I have a long way to go, but in many ways, I'm already there. Or at least I think I'm there. I'm not ALL there, but parts of me are.

One fact remains. I have to have hope. Even if it hurts to be let down. If I am hopeful yet gentle with my expectations, then I won't be let down. I only let myself down. I refuse to wait. When I have no other choice. That's how I go about screwing things up. I don't want to let nature just run its course because I want to have a hand in my own fate. That's one thing that a lot of people don't understand about me. They don't get the intensity of my nature. I am an intense person, always have been. It scares people. It scares me more when it scares them.

I take a lot of things seriously, too seriously. That is a problem. A big problem. I have to stop it.

I mean it's good to take some things seriously, but there is a lot in life I don't have to take seriously. It would save me emotionally not to focus too hard on some things. Like being liked. Some people are going to like me for who I am, some people are going to hate me for who I am, but most of them will just hate me because they don't know who I am. I know hate is a strong word, but there are people out there who really do not like me and not surprisingly are the same people I really don't like.

I don't know why being liked is important to me because it really shouldn't matter. Of course people feel better about themselves when they know that they are liked. Opposed to not being liked. Maybe it is because I feel like I am a good person and therefore people should like a good person. Maybe that is why I want people to like me. Maybe I need to feel accepted among my peers. Maybe I just want to feel adequate. It comes down to what I think about myself and I think I have a fear of inadequacy. Deep down inside I am afraid of being inadequate. I think this is a normal thing to go through. I think many people go through this on a daily basis just like I do.

I think I feel better having admitted that I am afraid of inadequacy. Maybe that is why my expectations are high. I want things in my life to be adequate and therefore I must be adequate. Maybe I strive too hard for perfection. Of course there is no such thing as perfection. It is an ideal much like justice. The words themselves exist, but the ideals are solely ideals. It would be ideal if the world was a just place, it would be ideal if I was perfect. It would be ideal if we all were perfect and life itself was perfect, if everything was perfect, but alas, people are imperfect and they make mistakes, they take too long to respond, they act without thinking, without any reason whatsoever behind their actions.... All of this and more. We are complex and complicated creatures. Nothing more than creatures.

We can express ourselves, our thoughts, or feelings... Expression is key to communication and communication is the ultimate key. With communication, we can solve problems, among various other applications. And there are languages, many languages that work along the same principles. Expression = communication. Even body language. My son was talking about body language today. I asked him where he learned that. He said he learned that on the movie: "The Little Mermaid." If a kid who isn't even 5 years old yet can understand body language, what it is, then we all should be able to grasp that concept.

I think another one of my problems is that I make too many assumptions. I should assume the best in all situations, but when I come to expect the worst, my assumptions are negative. Negative assumptions aren't good. They aren't healthy. For the mind or the soul, both affect the body. I keep thinking about psycho-somatic. It is when your mind very strongly affects your body. Psycho-somatic death is when someone convinces themselves they are dying and then actually dies. People can literally scare themselves to death as well. They say mind over body. Mind over matter. The will is a strong thing. A person can will themselves to live or will themselves to die. It is all a matter of the mind.

Optimism is optimal. I have to look on the bright side of life. This can be hard to do sometimes, but it has to be done. Too much negativity can poison a person. I have felt those effects before. I don't like how it felt and always wanted to feel better than that. I don't feel that I'm worth more than that, but I have to learn how to make myself feel as though I am worth that. I am worth a healthy life. I am worth making changes for. My son is worth making changes for. I have to find the strength from within myself to advance.