I Make Many Mistakes.............

A part of my life has ended, and I feel really bad about it. I know I'm selfish, but it occurred to me just how selfish I was being. I took a lot for granted and maybe this is the wake up call I needed. I was always the one trying too hard in every relationship I ever had. This time, I didn't try hard enough. I don't know why that is.

All he ever wanted was for me to be happy, but I never have been happy with myself. Nothing I do seems to be good enough for anyone, anyway. Even though I know I can do better, not in my choice of a boyfriend, I mean I can do better at making a relationship work. That is what I failed to do. I've been terrified of failing, maybe I needed to fail this time because I needed to face everything I've been doing wrong from the very start.

I can say that it didn't really end in a bad way. The guy I was with before him, he left me for another girl. That broke my heart. A part of me thinks that I started another relationship because I wanted to try to recover from the emotional damage from the previous relationship. That is never a good reason to start dating again. My ego was deflated and I wanted to try to boost it, somehow.

I have to look at this as an opportunity that I probably won't have again for a while. This is my opportunity to focus on the changes I have to make in myself. Oh, the many chances that need to take place! I'm going to be thinking myself to death at work tonight, and tomorrow night. I hate when I have too much time to think about it because it will drive me crazy, especially at first.

I'm not writing about this because I want pity or any sexually suggestive comments from anyone reading this. Believe me, sex is the LAST thing on my mind and will be the LAST thing on my mind for a very long time. Sex never really meant anything to me, except an ego boost. Other than that, it's not an important part of my life. It is seriously sad when that is the only thing some people think about. Apart from flattery, it doesn't do much. And it gets sort of creepy when I read that some guy I don't know dreams about having sex with me.... Do I take this as a threat? I dunno. Should I be scared?

I feel bad about it because I feel like I wasted a year out of his life. I feel as though I disappointed his family. They had such high hopes for us, he had high hopes for us. I just wanted things to take their natural course. That is something I never did before with a relationship. I always tried to force myself into their lives. I know, now, that it isn't the way it works.

But now that I'm not being selfish and thinking about relationships, I can focus on the relationship I have with my son, and repair it. I also need to repair whatever kind of relationship I have with myself because it is important. I do know what I want, but it's not going to happen the way I want it to. It'll happen when it is ready to happen. Maybe that will take a few years. Maybe longer. Maybe I'll wait the rest of my life, trying to figure out what makes me such a f*cked up f*ck-up.