A Catch to Everything

Why is February the coldest month of the year? It seems to me that there is no reasonable explanation for your nose to be running and your nostrils to freeze together at the same time. I'm getting sick of the cold weather and I can't wait for spring. It seems, too, that the groundhog LIED. I don't see spring coming in however many more weeks it is supposed to take.

Officially, spring should be here at the end of March. The first official day of spring falls on my cousin's birthday. I always remember that. He used to send me birthday cards. He'd never forget my birthday. He is my favorite cousin. Even though he snook up behind me at the casino and gave me a wet willy. I never said the rest of my family was more normal than I am. Except he has a good job out west. He's doing well for himself. I admire him, actually. And I've never told him that.

So, I got a call last night from the Revenue Agency. I have no idea what they want from me. Maybe they want to audit me or something. I would hate that. I have enough problems trying to keep my records straight without people asking to see them. It's really just a pain in the ass. And maybe I should keep my receipts. But I never saw any reason to do so. Especially for stupid stuff like a chocolate bar or something. Big stuff, definitely keep the receipts for. The rest.... Well, what is the point? I called them back but conveniently they are unable to take my call. I don't know what they want from me and I'm nervous about it. Probably because I think they might try to audit me. I got audited once. I really hated it. I've tried the best I can to get my taxes done and all of that. I have yet to do them for 2007, but I think I might have everything I need to try to get them done. Maybe I might even get some money back. That would be nice. I'd love to try to put some money aside. The only thing I can really put my money aside for right now is my student loan. Maybe that is what they want to talk to me about. I have no idea. The longer I wait to find out, the more stressed I'm getting about it. I just want to know what I'm up against.
If only I had the money to pay the loan outright and never have to worry or think about it ever again. I wanted to go to college, but I probably should have waited until I knew what I wanted to do with my life. Policing is a great field and I do admire cops, well most of them... I just know NOW, after spending thousands of dollars to go to college that I'll never get to be one of them. Really, I should have known all along. But I guess I have to learn the hard way, like always.

I should be paying the monthly payment on it, but since my income is technically not income in the eyes of the government, I can't legally do so. Been trying to tell them this for a long time and they don't seem to understand and just leave me the f*ck alone. Sometimes, when I think about the debt I'm in I think of things I shouldn't think about. Sometimes I just can't help but to think that there is an easy way out of every mess I've ever gotten myself in, but that easy way out is just a mess that I'd never get myself out of. And not only that, but it would be a mess for everyone else in my life. I can't drag everyone down with me.

Just every time the phone rings, I'm scared to pick it up. I keep thinking that there will be someone on the other line asking me for money that I don't have and can't get anytime soon. It just makes me feel like sh*t for having put myself in so much debt to begin with and it makes me feel like sh*t because I can't pay it back. I want to, and I wish I could. If only for the phone calls to just stop. If only for some peace of mind, at least.

Sometimes I wish I could just run away. I used to do that. I would run away all the time because I wanted to be left alone. I never wanted to be found. I wanted to be someone else. Somewhere else. I wanted to try to start over, but it never got to happen. Even when I came back to Ottawa from Toronto, nothing much had changed. I felt different, a bit better, having had the freedom that I had tasted and craved for so long. I know that I'll never have that freedom again. I'll be forever shackled to the desire and the inability to just leave.

But there has to be an easier way of dealing with this stuff. I've tried to ignore it, but it won't go way and it never will. It has probably made matters worse. But almost every call I get is from someone who wants something from me, especially money.

I wish there was a way that I could get my foot in the door somewhere, where I could have an opportunity to make some money. Legitimately. I mean, I could try to rob a bank, but I would get caught. I guess in jail I wouldn't have to worry about getting phone calls from collectors and I wouldn't have to pay monetary rent. But there's always a catch to everything.