No Wonder Why People Are Angry

Wouldn't you be angry if you went through the types of things
that I go through? That I shouldn't have to?

Seriously, "Were you drinking last night?" WTF.

Yet I can't even outwardly express my anger
Or they'll assume I've been drinking...
Or haven't taken my medication...
Or just have mental illness...
Or whatever else.

EXCEPT ANGRY ABOUT WHAT I'M ANGRY ABOUT.
THAT I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE ANGRY ABOUT
AND I AM ALLOWED TO BE ANGRY ABOUT.

JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.
JUST LIKE THEY WOULD BE.

I feel like a big part of my life was a lie. 
And it makes me feel sick. 
I can't describe how it feels.
Like a hollow feeling in my gut.
But there's a kind of rage that I'm holding down
because I know nothing good would come of me acting on it.

And I already tried going about it the "right" way.
That's what I'm supposed to have done.

But that's what I get for doing that.
The assumption of being "drunk."

WHY? Because I have a right to be upset
that "the system" is BS
but not just that...
People acting like they can say whatever they want
They can argue with me about things they don't know about...
Then they say they aren't there to argue with me...
Then they tell me to "de-escalate because all I'M doing is amping it up."
Amping it up.
Not being upset.
Because they're talking to me like I don't know "the law."
And they "told me twice already."
"We're just talking in circles." Then GTFO.

Would have been outside the police station until 2AM

And the girls who got let into the building.
I was literally right behind them. 

It's like they are literally out of touch with reality. 
So if a serious crime or emergency was going on, 
and they ran to the nearest police station, but it was CLOSED
AND YOU HAD TO WAIT HOURS.
TO BE TOLD THAT YOU'RE JUST TALKING IN CIRCLES?

The cop taken aback that I would ask her
that if I was the COP and she was me, 
how SHE would like ME to respond to HER.

She looked at me like I was the problem
FOR EVEN ASKING HER THAT.
AND LOOK HOW RUDE SHE WAS TO ME!

Would she want me to be rude to her?

Pretty rude of the other guy asking if I'd been drinking...

Do they not know this? Or do they just not care
because they can be as rude as they want
and look at me for being rude
for pointing out their rudeness.

Wouldn't you be upset having to live like that?
When you shouldn't have to?

Like being treated like a "Karen"
for having concerns, 
then treated like those concerns aren't concerning at all, 
and I just don't know "the law" and THEY DO.
And talking to me about it, 
JUST TO SAY WE TALKED.

NOT TO REPORT ANYTHING, THOUGH.
JUST TO SAY WE TALKED.

Then act all surprised when I don't like
the way I've been treated
because they didn't have to treat me like that...
ALL OF THAT WAS VERY UNNESCESSARY.
LIKE WHY BOTHER WITH ANY OF THAT?

JUST TO SAY WE TALKED?
WE DID OUR JOB! WE TALKED TO HER!

No investigation, nothing. 
No report, nothing. 
Just like: You deal with it.
Because WE did OUR jobs. 
WE TALKED TO YOU.

NO, YOU ARGUED WITH ME
PATRONIZED ME,
TOLD ME WE WERE TALKING IN CIRCLES.
THEN TOLD ME YOU WERE CHECKING ON ME.
BECAUSE YOU HAD TO RESPOND TO MY COMPLAINTS.
JUST TO SAY WE TALKED, AGAIN.

Do you understand what this is like?

WE HAD TO "MAKE SURE" SHE UNDERSTANDS "THE LAW"
BECAUSE SHE MUST NOT UNDERSTAND.
HOW THE SYSTEM WORKS IN CANADA FFS.

Perhaps it's time for better laws.
THAT ACTUALLY PROTECTS VICTIMS.

THAT FORCES THE POLICE TO INVESTIGATE.
But even so, WOULD THEY?
Or are they too busy pretending to take issues and people seriously?

IF THEY TOOK ME SERIOUSLY
THEY WOULDN'T HAVE ASKED ME IF I WAS DRINKING.

These are the kinds of things that p*ss me off. 

In the hospital, it was pretty bad, too.
One guy had BOTH hands bandaged
and all he was asking for at the nursing station
WAS FOR SOMEONE TO HELP HIM TIE HIS PANTS.
BECAUSE HE COULDN'T USE HIS OWN FINGERS.
And they IGNORED him. 

And a time a woman, a grown adult was asking for something
at the nursing station, and she got upset that they were ignoring her.
Instead of talking to her ABOUT WHY SHE WAS UPSET, 
THEY TEAMED UP TO CARRY HER TO HER ROOM
SO THEY WERE LIKE DRAGGING HER DOWN THE HALL
TO HER ROOM
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT TO DEAL WITH HER.

And another guy, who had RECENT SURGERY.
THEY THOUGHT IT OKAY TO LITERALLY RESTRAIN HIM
EVEN THOUGH HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING, 
HE WAS HIDING FROM SECURITY IN MY ROOM, 
BUT AS SOON AS I REALIZED HE WAS IN THERE, 
I LEFT THE ROOM AND DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

That's all he did. He hid from security, 
and they restrained him for it. 
Maybe that's why he was hiding out.

The dude had staples in his stomach.
They didn't have to be so rough and careless. 

Isn't it cruel and unusual punishment
for just even being there
to ignore someone who's just asking for help
TO TIE HIS PANTS BECAUSE HE CAN'T USE HIS HANDS?

I get things are online, now. But that doesn't negate the facts
THAT THINGS GO ON IN THE REAL WORLD
AND WHEN YOU ARE SPEAKING TO SOMEONE
TO THEIR FACE, 
IT'S NOT THE SAME AS REACTING TO SOMETHING
ON A SCREEN. 

It really bothers me. Each time it happens to me. 
Each time I see it in general.
I feel like a big chunk of me is just gone somewhere
and I've now seen where my choices lead me. 

Very poor choices over decades
all the times I didn't think things through.
All the delayed responses to things
that needed an immediate response.

Not only that, but a lot of things
have been very jarring.

A lot that I can't even talk about.
I've only told one person, most of it.

And I feel like I traumatized him
even just telling him about everything.
Well, almost everything. 

Some things are even hard to admit to myself.
That's not a good feeling to wake up to.
Day after day. 

Then have to sit with day after day...


Last night was wild. 
Must have been a lot of lightning.
The strikes must have been close.

It woke me up, it was so loud.
I woke up scared thinking we were being bombed.
Then I realized it was thunder.

But it was the loudest I ever heard it.
Usually, it's in the distance
so you can still hear it, but not up close.
If that makes any sense.

Waking up in a panic because a really loud noise...
In the middle of the night
because you never heard it before,
but it does kind of sound like you heard it before...

How close were the strikes if it was THAT loud?
It happened at least twice.

Did you ever see the video of the guy
who got hit by lightning 3 times?
And he lived through it...

Just in case, here it is: 
Lightning Guy

That's Why

Writing's a decent release. The last few days...
I just want it to make sense
that nothing that's been happening makes any sense.

Why would they ask if I had been drinking?
Because I got upset?
Because I was told "we don't know what you want us to do."
Why bother treating me like that?
Then they came to "check on" me?
They got a complaint. They had to address the complaint.
Not what the compliant was about.

When it's not about me.
It isn't me they should have been checking up on.

Does it seem like I'm being gaslit?
That's what I want to know.

Would others be upset about these types of things?
Constantly, throughout their lives?
Only for the ridicule that fuels these types of things?

Would the things that come out of their mouths
be things they would want to hear?

If not, don't bother saying it.
Should be simple enough. You'd think.

And I'm not the one "responding"
to serious things with "we don't know what you want us to do."
And it took 3 of you to come to tell me
"we're just talking in circles now."

If you're going to be THAT rude, GTFO.

That's the response I get.

"we're just talking in circles, now."
Obviously because we're not getting anywhere, are we?
We'd be getting somewhere
NOT TALKING IN CIRCLES, RIGHT?

AND WE'RE NOT TALKING IN CIRCLES 
BECAUSE OF ME.

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN VERY CLEAR WITH WHAT I SAID.

But how dare I be clear about what I said?
How dare I make them look bad with complaints
about their "response"?

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT US TO DO.
HOW ABOUT DO WHAT YOU SHOULD BE DOING.
THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL YOU WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO.
BECAUSE IT SHOULD GO WITHOUT ASKING OR TELLING.

Like do you want me to beg for you to do your jobs, desperately?
Is there some sort of programming code
where you speak a certain way 
to get desired results like hypnotically?

So they never speak to you that way again?
So they get their heads out of their @ss?
And actually act with some semblance of normalcy?

It would be assumed that you could freely express yourself,
your dislike for being spoken to like you're "wrong" all the time.
By people who ought to know better.
Because would they want a cop to come over at 2am, 
a herd of them to tell you how wrong you are,
and argue with you, not take notes about anything,
not ask you any pertinent questions. 

Say things like "we don't know what you want us to do."
Say things like "we're just talking in circles, now."
Say things like "do you understand?"
Say things like "were you drinking?"

Excuse me? Would you want to be spoken to like that?
Are they spoken to like that?
Do they speak to everyone like that? Or just me?

Would they be p*ssed?
Then try to act like I shouldn't be?

Because they came at 2AM, 
they would have had me waiting
OUTSIDE THAT DAMN STATION UNTIL 2AM FFS.

Even people they interrogate get to sit in a room
and get a glass of water and use of the washroom ffs.
Murderers, at that.

AND THEY DON'T EVEN WANT TO BE THERE!
HOW CRAZY IS THAT?

THAT I WENT TO REPORT SOMETHING
THAT NEVER GOT REPORTED
BECAUSE "WE DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT US TO DO."

THEY WANTED ME TO WRITE A REPORT LAST TIME.
I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO TALK TO ANYONE.
THEY JUST TOLD ME TO WRITE A REPORT. 
SO HOW IS IT THIS TIME THEY DIDN'T?

YOU WOULD THINK THIS MIGHT WARRANT THAT.
Might warrant more than that.
TOO. MUCH. PAPERWORK.

"Suspected of being inebriated"
Sober for 10 years.

That's the thing, they put the suspicion on me
and don't look at anyone else.
Definitely not the people I've told them about
or themselves.

Never what anyone else is doing because they're always justified, 
but that's as far as it goes, for them. 

We're using "the law" as an excuse to turn our eyes away from facts.
Because it will make her seem like she knows what she's talking about
and only we get to seem like we know what we're talking about
because we know "the law."

Yes, I have to say it mockingly to illustrate the point.
How dare I make a point?
How dare I have a point to make?
How dare I try to make a point?

Because it makes them seem the fools they are.
A biting dose of reality.
That doesn't feel or look good.
I know because it bites me, too.
All. The. Time. But I know why, at least.
I can acknowledge it now.

But how they act is out of line.
"We don't know what you want us to do"
is what they say and how they act.
And with that being how you're going to act, 
WHY F*CKING BOTHER?

THEY WERE GOING TO MAKE ME WAIT
UNTIL 2AM OUTSIDE THE DAMN POLICE STATION.

"We can't do anything about that..."
"This is why we're right and you're wrong."
"This is why we're going to act like that never happened."
"This is why we're going to talk down to you."

ASK ME AGAIN IF I'VE BEEN DRINKING.

When you get back to your 'apartment'...
Every time I replay everything, it gets me so steamed.

Patronizing people isn't the way to go about it.

Saying stupid sh*t, acting stupid 
because you assume the person you're talking to is stupid...

This has been what I've gotten. 
But it'd be very different if it had been different then, right?

Dealing with this level of complete ignorance is exhausting.
Because it's infuriatingly insulting. 
A lot of things have been.

It makes me bother why I should keep trying.
Because of people who make simple things harder than they should be.
So much harder than they should be.
JUST BECAUSE THEY CAN.

I COULD TOO, BUT AM I?
I'm p*ssed that I would have been waiting
outside the damn police station until 2am ffs.

I'm p*ssed I was just patronized and was given "resources"
that when I used, they came to check on ME.
When the situation isn't about me. 
The complaints are justified. 

They didn't come to check on me.
They came to address my complaints.
As simple as that.

Because they wanted to make sure I understood.
WHAT THEY WERE TELLING ME.
WHAT THEY CAN'T DO.
TO JUSTIFY SPEAKING TO ME
THE WAY THEY CHOOSE TO SPEAK TO ME.

That's why they were here.

Have You Been Drinking Lastnight?

So after the cops left this morning...
I made a call to a 'resource' because I needed to talk about it.
They talked to the police on my behalf. 

They came again. 
To "check on me."
I wasn't asking to be "checked on."
Then they basically told me what they told me before. 
ALL THE THINGS THEY CAN'T DO. 
SAID NOTHING ABOUT WHAT THEY CAN ACTUALLY DO.
LIKE MAYBE GO CHECK OUT THE VICTIM?

THEN ONE OF THE OFFICERS ASKED ME IF I HAD BEEN DRINKING?!
LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK!!!!???

HOW DOES WHETHER OR NOT I HAD BEEN DRINKING
(BEEN SOBER FOR 10 YEARS AND I TOLD THE D*CK
THAT I JUST WOKE UP AND I TAKE MEDICATION TO SLEEP).

BUT HOW DARE HE ASK THAT!!!!!

This is the type of sh*t I'm really p*ssed off about.

Sure, now I know everything you CAN'T DO.
THAT WAS TOTALLY HELPFUL
AND TOTALLY ACKNOWLEDGING THE SITUATION. 

NOBODY JUST WENT OVER THERE AND CHECKED ON HIM. 
WHY CHECK ON ME? IT'S NOT ABOUT ME FFS!!!

They said "we understand you haven't had a good response."
WELL NO SH*T!
WERE YOU DRINKING OFFICER?
NO? SEE HOW THAT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

SEE HOW YOU'RE:
1) INSENSITIVE F*CKTARD
2) NOT GAF

Like it still did not raise any EYEBROWS!
SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS THIS.

BUT NO, "CHECK ON" ME. 
NO REAL MENTION ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE.

Thanks for telling me all the things you can't do
and patronizing me by asking me if I understood what he was saying. 
AND PATRONIZING ME ABOUT DRINKING?!!!!

Can you ride unicorns? No? I don't UNDERSTAND!!!
DRINKING TOO MUCH, OFFICER.
YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING.
YES. FREAKING. SIR.
 
And it's the male cops doing this sh*t. Mostly. 
They can't put themselves in anyone else's shoes. 
Not for ONE second. 

Because how would they want me to respond?
That's the question I really wish they would ask themselves.
Just once is their "career."

All the things we can't do... Do you understand?
They literally walk up to me automatically assuming sh*t.

WE BETTER MAKE SURE SHE UNDERSTANDS.
SO SHE STOPS CALLING US...
SHE'S CRAZY. OUR "FILES ABOUT HER"

THE ISSUE IS THAT THEY AREN'T GETTING IT.

IT'S LIKE THEY'RE LITERALLY TRYING TO GASLIGHT ME.
MAYBE SHE WAS DRINKING.
I BETTER SPEAK EXTRA CLEAR
TO MAKE SURE SHE UNDERSTANDS "THE LAW"
THIS TIME.
SHE PROBABLY DOESN'T UNDERSTAND.
BECAUSE WE ALL ASSUMED SHE WAS DRINKING
BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T LIKE OUR RESPONSE
SINCE WE PATRONIZED HER AND GASLIT HER.
INTO THINKING SHE'S THE PROBLEM.
BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND "THE LAW."

WE SUGGEST YOU GET IN CONTACT WITH HIM.
They are suggesting that I do their job for them. 

Just leave him there to deal with it himself?
Bravo police.

BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO LISTEN TO ME
BECAUSE YOU ASSUME SHIT ABOUT ME
INSTEAD OF ASSUMING THINGS ABOUT THE SITUATION
BECAUSE THEY DON'T SEEM TO BE CONCERNED, AT ALL.

BUT "ALL WE'RE DOING IS TALKING IN CIRCLES."
YEAH NO KIDDING. 
BECAUSE ALL I GET IS BULLSH*T.
"Do you understand?"

"No, officer. Give it to me one more time."
"We already told her!" *Sigh*
Yeah when you were busy TELLING ME
I WAS TELLING YOU.

SO WHAT DID I TELL YOU?
SINCE I TOLD YOU 3 TIMES, OFFICERS.

I've seen 6 officers telling me the exact same sh*t. 
Only one didn't say anything, at all. 
Let officer drinker talk. 

But no, don't even LOOK AT HIM. 
DON'T EVEN LOOK HIM UP OR ANYTHING.
DON'T GO CHECKING HIM OUT.

AFTER I TOLD YOU WHAT I TOLD YOU.
3 TIMES. 

INSTEAD CHECK ON ME.
MAKE SURE I HAVEN'T BEEN DRINKING.
MAKE SURE I UNDERSTAND
ALL THE THINGS THEY CAN'T DO.
BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW THE LAW...

I'M NOT THE ONE BREAKING IT.
I TOLD YOU WHO DID.
SO WHAT WILL YOU DO ABOUT IT?

What have I heard that they WILL DO?
Anything? What? Too much PAPERWORK?

See how frustrating it's been?
WE'LL ASSUME SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND!!!
WE WERE ALREADY OVER THERE!

And what did we all talk about?
What you will be doing?
What you could do?
What you actually do in situations like these?
Anything?
Or did you come by "just to say we talked."
"We talked to her about it, AGAIN."
The fact that it happened isn't the issue???!!!

That's what the issue is.
NOT WHETHER OR NOT I WAS DRINKING
NOT WHETHER OR NOT I UNDERSTAND
ALL THE THINGS THEY CAN'T DO.

BECAUSE IMMEDIATELY: "WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT."

With the mentality that I don't understand THEM.
That my "mental illness" makes it hard for me to "understand" THEM.
DO THEY UNDERSTAND ME?

If they did, they wouldn't talk down to me
And ask me if I understand what they are telling me.
And ask me if I had anything to drink!

Like the issue was whether I'd been drinking?
Because I don't want to be spoken to like I'm the one
who doesn't understand!!!!!!!!!

Whether or not I'm upset has nothing to do
with whether or not I have been drinking.

The dude I actually quit drinking because of
used to do that to me. 
Whenever I got upset with being treated like
being upset was about being "drunk"
instead of what I WAS UPSET ABOUT.

I quit because if I was sober, as a matter of fact,
he couldn't try to use that against me.
Ever again.

How dare he! 
So professional to assume things about ME.
Because it's not about the situation, itself, right?

"We already told her, we can't do anything about it."
Not even check on him?
Not even question him?

But how many cops does it take to go:
"We don't know what you want us to do."
And they get paid to do this bullsh*t.
That's not what p*sses me off, though.

"Look at the time... It's pretty late to go over there, so..."
"Because we got here at 2AM."
"She'll still be up, we think she drinks."
"Oh great! This should be fun..."
This is my life...  

"Ask her if she's been drinking."
WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?!

It's like the time that I injured my knee. 
I slipped in some water on the floor in the bathroom.
My knee snapped and I dislocated my kneecap.

When it happened, I'd just stopped to use the washroom
on my way taking my son to school, in the morning.
As bad of a drinker I USED TO BE,

IT WAS LIKE 7AM, IN THE MORNING. FFS.

Anyway, I got physio appointments with a physio therapist.
The appointment was at 10am, 
and I was bracing myself for PAIN
because my knee wasn't healed, yet.

So I stopped to have a couple of beers before the appointment.

So during the appointment, the therapist asks:
WERE YOU DRUNK WHEN YOU HURT YOURSELF?!!!

It's none of their business for one thing,
and who are they to ask?

Does that have anything to do with why I was there?
If not, why ask that?

It's like all the people asking me questions
trying to embarrass me when it's embarrassing to themselves.
For even trying to do that.
Instead of looking at themselves as to why they do that.

I was asked something once.
Because the girl was trying to embarrass me
so she could laugh or snicker at me or whatever. 
But in front of everyone so they could, too.

So I asked her: Does it matter?
She says no, hoping I'd answer HER question. 
For the exact reasons I just stated. 

So then I asked her:
"If it doesn't matter, why are you asking me?"
And she couldn't admit that she was trying to embarrass me, 
but she knew I knew.
So she dropped it.

That was a satisfying moment. 

But I get those questions all the time. 
Trying to make me seem or look stupid. 
I know what the point of that is
Because I'm not stupid.

Also, because I know the point of that, 
it's pointless, to me.

So who's the bigger person?
The one patronizing the one who
Doesn't understand "the law"
who "must have been drinking"
because she's upset with us
for how we're responding to her.

BECAUSE YOU'RE TRYING TO PATRONIZE ME
AND IT'S EXTREMELY INSULTING
TO THE INTELLECT
YOU ASSUME THAT I DON'T HAVE.
FAIR, ENOUGH?

I know what your bullsh*t version of "the law" is.
"BECAUSE WE DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT US TO DO!!!!"

SHE MUST BE SLOW SO WE BETTER TALK TO HER
LIKE SHE'S A CHILD,
INSTEAD OF A GROWN ADULT
WHO WOULD WANT THE SAME RESPECT
AND DIGNITY THAT THEY WOULD WANT.

THEN THE ONE GUY THERE
OBVIOUSLY FOR BACK UP
BECAUSE HE'S NOT EVEN SAYING ANYTHING.
DIDN'T ASK ME ANYTHING
DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL.

NOT EVEN WHEN HIS PARTNER
ASKED IF I HAD BEEN DRINKING.

BACK UP BECAUSE I GOT UPSET
AT THE GUY WHO WAS TRYING TO PATRONIZE ME TO MY FACE
BECAUSE I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE UPSET
WHEN THEY ARE NOT LISTENING TO ME
WOULD RATHER ASSUME I'VE BEEN DRINKING.
BECAUSE ALL OF THIS HAS BEEN BULLSH*T.
THAT THEY WOULDN'T APPRECIATE EITHER.

But if he were me, he would be livid. 
So tell me exactly why I would be livid?

Explain that to me since I don't know "the law"
Since I'm the one who doesn't understand?

Maybe I should get fluent in it, too
So they get the hint when they try to do it to me?
I don't waste my time on that sh*t.
That's why I get what it's about, but it rubs me the wrong way.
Not just because of what it's about, 
but having that pulled on you, constantly. 

Like I could go tell a biker this situation.
Any of them. They'd understand. 
Even criminals have a code of conduct. 

So the cops can just spew bullsh*t?
When we're supposed to go through that?
"We don't know what you want us to do."!!!!
"Have you been drinking?"

All you're doing is "amping it up"
No, all you're doing is trying to purposely p*ss me off
so you all can go back and report
that it was just the stupid crazy ones being stupid and crazy. 

Because "we don't know what you want us to do."
We can't even talk to you like an adult.
"Do you understand?"

He knows, they all know.
Are they doing anything about the situation?
Or are they too busy sitting around assuming sh*t
and talking about it together, and laughing, 
because they think they know me.

BECAUSE I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WE CAME HERE TWICE.
SHE CALLED THE DISTRESS CENTER WHO CALLED US. 
AND YES, I DID COMPLAIN ABOUT THE RESPONSES I GOT.
Because if it was him, he would be livid.

Yeah? Why? Why would I be livid?
Then treat me according to WHY I would be livid.

INSTEAD OF TREATING ME LIKE I MUST HAVE BEEN DRINKING.
BETTER BE EXTRA CLEAR TO HER, THIS TIME.
SO THAT WE DON'T HAVE TO COME BACK HERE, AGAIN.

But no, assume I was drinking ffs.
Assume I must be "delayed"
Talking down to someone like they are a child
IS INFURIATING BECAUSE IT'S INSULTING.

If you're taking something seriously,
you're busy taking it seriously instead of plastering it
with assumptions. It's bullsh*t.

But time and time again it gets shifted onto me.
I don't even care about that, 
the way that it goes down and why, bothers me.

The fact in reality, cops shouldn't be assuming
that I was drinking.

Shouldn't be assuming mental illness.
Shouldn't just be giving these excuses as to why they "can't" do anything.
Or assuming someone doesn't understand "the law"
"We're talking in circles now."

Instead of telling me, and trying to argue
like you know everything...
And trying to make me look like I know nothing...

"We don't know what you want us to do"
Maybe I want you not to say sh*t like that to me.
Maybe that's what I want.
Not to be treated like that.

Not to come into my house
and me telling you to your face
and you not acknowledging at all what I said.

Then tell me "don't get upset at us."
For speaking to me like I don't understand?
Would you want to be spoken to like you don't understand "the law"
"here's resources, deal with it."

The response after the response, though.
WERE YOU DRINKING LAST NIGHT?

BECAUSE THE COPS WERE HERE AT 2AM
AND I WAS STILL AWAKE WAITING FOR THEM TO SHOW UP
ALL NIGHT?

AND THEN ARGUED WITH ME
THEN "WE DIDN'T COME HERE TO ARGUE WITH YOU."
THEN WHY WERE YOU?

Why are you here, then?
Just to say you talked to me?
When nothing was mentioned about what I said, at all?

No, how about how I react to their "response"?
And then getting the exact patronizing BS.
Like I don't know how clearer I could be than tell them.

Do they want it in writing?

One guy really pissed me off.
So much!!! On purpose. 
Then he goes "put it in writing"
AFTER I HAD WRITTEN EVERYTHING DOWN
AND ASKED HIM TO PLEASE UNDERSTAND
WHY I WOULD BE UPSET ABOUT THIS...

I gave it to him, didn't bother reading it. 
And asked me the next DAY to put it in writing. 
I JUST DID!!!!!!!

None of the police officers even took notes. 
Not a one. 

Just assumed things about me.
Because how they're acting is insulting.
And I'm not pleased about being insulted constantly.

"We better go and make her understand..."
Because she complained 
About their "response."

How dare I do that?
How dare I complain about how the police treated me?
In response to what I told them

LOOK at the resource I haven't given you, yet.
You don't know the law, I'm a cop, I do.
These people will listen, they'll care.
We don't know what you want us to do.
Don't get mad at us, you're amping it up.
We didn't come here to argue with you.
Do you understand?
Were you drinking last night?

Are those the questions you should be asking me?
Or maybe ask me something more pertinent.

It's to get me to react so they can respond to how I react.
So that it's no longer about what I told them,
it's how I react to the way they treat me
AFTER I SAID WHAT I SAID.
It gets turned into how I react,
not how they do, just how I do.
So they don't have to say how they are being.
Just how I am being.

It p*sses me right off.

Grown adults. Police officers.
Teachers, CAS workers, 
pretty much all of them.

Over and over again. 
By people who should know better than that.

Never how they are to me. Never about that.
How dare I make them look bad when they do it to themselves.

I know "the law" and everything else that I "think"
so I must be "right" and you must be "wrong"
and I should treat you and talk to you
like you were drinking last night.

Because you all talk about
how I reacted to what you said to me
AND I HAVE HAD ENOUGH RESTRAINT
NOT TO COMPLETELY LOSE MY SH*T
ABOUT HOW THEY PRETEND TO GAF
WHEN IT'S TOO INSULTINGLY OBVIOUS THEY DON'T.

THEY WOULD, IF THEY WERE ME.
THEY WOULD BE LIVID.

But let me take your name right in front of you
to make it look like I'm doing something.

When he already had my name
because he knew where I was "in line."
It's not hard to get the information they have access to.

That p*ssed me off "were you drinking last night?"
Why? Because you say sh*t like that to me?
That's why you think I'm drunk?

So They Did

The police showed up at 2am. 
I told them, the three of them, to their faces. 
And they all tried patronizing me to my face.

I lost my patience and told them to leave.
That's how angry I got about this.

What about "this is assault" do I need to make clearer?
You'd think it was clear enough. 

You'd think you'd just tell the police about it.
Like you're supposed to do.
And when you're upset about the situation
and everyone acting like no big deal....
PRIVACY RIGHTS THEY EVEN SAID TO ME.
LIKE ASSAULT SHOULD JUST BE KEPT PRIVATE?

I spoke to someone and he said that it matters what the victim wants to happen.
Like as the victim's mother, you'd think I'd be able to speak on this.

He told me because he wanted something done about it.
And then when I tell the police it's like that?

And when you're so shocked that it even happens,
and then when you tell someone what happened...
You'd think as bad as it is...

Then they have the balls to say:
WE COULD GO OVER THERE, NOW, BUT IT'S 2AM!!!!
AS A REASON NOT TO.

BECAUSE WHO WOULD BE CONCERNED?


I CAN'T EVEN TALK TO MY OWN FAMILY ABOUT IT
BECAUSE THEY NEVER EVEN LISTEN TO ME.

But why send 3 cops over to talk to me about it
when they didn't talk to me about it
because it didn't matter what I was literally telling them to their faces. 

They only said get your son to tell us.
We'll do something if he does. 

Am I living in another dimension?
Tell me where it makes any sense to be all like,
he's an adult so just let him deal with it?

And if it was them telling a cop
how would they want it to go?

Is it a fair enough question to ask a cop?
How they would want to be spoken to?
What they would want a cop to do?
Instead of literally saying TO MY FACE, 
WE DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT US TO DO...
WELL WHAT WOULD YOU WANT ME TO DO?
IF IT WAS YOU TELLING ME
WHAT I JUST TOLD YOU?

They can see how they would feel 
from their own perspective but it doesn't seem to translate well.

BECAUSE EVERYTHING THEY TELL YOU TO DO...
THE WAY THEY WANT TO DO IT
AT F*CKING 2AM EVEN.
BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MATTER 
JUST WHENEVER THEY CAN GET AROUND TO IT...

So can you understand the level of restraint?
Even after what happened earlier...

They came to my "apartment" to patronize me, too.
At 2AM. Saying privacy rights. 
Like talking privacy rights about assault ffs.

What use is it to be angry at the situation?
Or the response I got about it?
Right? So everyone can just try to gaslight tf out of me?

Is that what is going on?

Because I think it's something to reasonably be upset about. 
And something Mr resources cop said. 
That he'd be livid.

But the system's f*cked because it's online, not how it should be.
Everything's like THIS A***.
It's a trip where I should be outraged at literally everything. 
Just like they would be livid. 

And even as he's saying it, he doesn't grasp it.
3 cops here, not grasping it. 
Do I get upset when there's something easy to grasp
and you can't force anyone to grasp it
or see it the way you do,
EVEN THOUGH if it were them, they'd be mad.

If people spoke down to them, they'd be mad.

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT US TO DO.
I'm not sh*tting you.

Is telling me that something I want you to do?
Do you want to be told that? By a cop?

And why send 3 of them?
Because they talked to the first guy. 
Because I didn't give him my name
so he could write it down right in front of me
like he gave two sh*ts let alone one.

Like what the actual f*ck?
My life's been a big what the actual f*ck?

What would a normal response look like?

It's like people saying if that was my kid...
If any kid walked in and said "hey something happened to me."
Would the cop just go "when you get back to your 'apartment' call us, 
THEN WAIT UNTIL 2AM BEFORE WE SEND ANYONE TO TALK TO YOU.
AND WHEN WE DO, IT'S GOING TO BE 3 OF US.

WHO WILL ALREADY HAVE OUR ASSUMPTIONS
BASED ON WHAT THAT OTHER GUY TOLD US.

AND WHAT THE DAMN DISPATCH TOLD ME.
HOW THAT WAS RUDE AF RIGHT OFF THE BAT.

THEN TO TOP IT OFF, 
THEY'RE LIKE "WE TOLD YOU TWO TIMES...
NOW YOU'RE JUST TALKING IN CIRCLES."
IF THAT'S ALL THIS CONVERSATION IS TO YOU, 
THEN YOU CAN KINDLY GTFO OF MY HOUSE.

This is really how they were to me.

Would they want to be spoken to like this?
Because yes, I literally repeated myself
AND THE SITUATION
AND WHAT THEY WEREN'T GRASPING ABOUT IT
BUT WHO AM I TO HAVE ANY CONCERNS?
PEOPLE CAN HAVE ALL THE CONCERNS THEY WANT ABOUT ME, 
BUT IT'S LIKE I AM NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE ANY
That THEY would have IF they were ME.

Isn't that nice to know? That if it were them...
And even trying to gaslight me about how I should even feel
about the situation let alone the response I got to the situation. 

I literally called out the patronizing this time. 
Because they thought more of them than me
WHEN THEY COULD HAVE JUST SENT ONE.
BECAUSE IT ONLY TAKES ONE
TO SAY "WE DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT US TO DO."!!!!!!

Is it worse to be seen as the worst one when I'm not?
Maybe there's something wrong when you're talking to a cop
about a crime and they say: We don't know what you want us to do!!!!!!!!
How would it be if I was the cop saying that?

It's almost like calling 911 and they say:
WE DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT US TO DO?

"My house is burning down"
"WE DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT US TO DO"

LITERALLY... This is what happened recently...
There was a pro hamas rally on parliament hill. 
Like pro war on Isreal stuff... Happening right out in the open
RIGHT OUTSIDE THE PRIME MINISTER'S OFFICE
Do they say that too?
"I don't know what you want me to do"!!!!
About that or anything else.

IF THE PROTOCOL WAS DIFFERENT?
Like I was treated like I didn't have to be up all night
just to be told "we don't know what you want us to do"?

And I'm so angry about it
Because the audacity of everything.

Especially to be spoken to like:
"All we're doing is talking in circles."
Thanks for stating the obvious, again. 
Because that really helps me NOT FEEL
INSULTED that you treat a serious conversation like that.
Something that's supposed to be a serious conversation. 

BECAUSE THAT'S PROFESSIONAL TO EVEN SAY?
Let alone treat someone like that. 

It's like saying doesn't matter that someone got assaulted, 
and for a lot of reasons hasn't come forward himself. 
What happened when I tried to?
About what I went through?
That my mom could have said something about.

And when you're the mom saying something about it.
"All we're doing is talking in circles."
"We don't know what you want us to do."

Would they speak to everyone like that?
Or would that be unprofessional. 

And being upset about it is "only amping it up"
when I got angry that they were obviously not listening to me either.
Because yeah, they would be angry. 
Anyone would be angry. 

But trying to treat me like I don't even have that right?
A right they have, as a person?

"Desecalate this, don't get mad at us."
DON'T PATRONIZE ME.

Then I say that and he's like "HOW SO?"
Was nothing any of them said to me not patronizing in any way?

Who wouldn't be mad when you literally say it.
Which is probable cause to investigate.
But "We don't know what you want us to do?"

HOW ABOUT WHAT YOU WOULD WANT ME TO DO
IF I WAS THE COP AND YOU WERE TELLING ME.
IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?

THAT THE COPS DON'T KEEP ME UP UNTIL 2AM
JUST TO TALK TO ME ABOUT IT.

THEN TREAT ME LIKE FOR EVEN TRYING TO TALK ABOUT IT. 
BUT HERE'S SOME RESOURCES. 
BECAUSE WE DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT US TO DO.

That's not something you want a cop to say, ever.
No matter what it's about.
But especially not about this.

It's like I have "nobody listens to you so why should I"
following me around somehow. 

Because I'm literally treated like that. 
Everyone treats you like this, A***. Get used to it.
Because of a bunch of things
that don't have anything to do with what I brought up.

And after that, it's useless to even try again?
For the exact same bullsh*t?

Why do people think I even deserve that bullsh*t?
Because of bullsh*t?

IF IT WERE THEM, THOUGH....

Could they not see how that's BS?
When you literally go to the police station. 
Then they literally insult you
by coming at 2AM
JUST TO SAY: NOW WE'RE JUST TALKING IN CIRCLES.
WE DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT US TO DO?

How is that not BS?

Should a bunch of things that have nothing to do
with what I actually said matter?

Or should I just CALL BACK?
For what? The same BS? Which is literally what I got?

If people spoke to others that they would never DARE to speak to
the way they think is okay to speak to me...

Like I should be the one telling the cops what I want them to do
BECAUSE THEY TOLD ME THAT THEY DON'T KNOW?

So what do they know? How to direct people
to "follow the system"?
How they want YOU to listen...

Like they were more interested in arguing over his health issues
with me than to understand what I was telling them and why.

It takes a lot of restraint when a cop tells you to your face
that they don't know what you want them to do.

Because let it sink in. A cop telling you that.
Then explain all of this to a crisis line worker. 
And having to explain to him
that I shouldn't have to explain it to the cops.

And what will it do?
Just make it all worse?
Because at this point, I can't see how it could get better?

I want to hope for the best, 
but when I had to explain in detail everything
and explain to them everything I explained to the cops. 
I told the police 3 times.

How is that supposed to make me feel optimistic?
Like making me feel like there's no point that I even told them.

It was a lot to do with how they handled it.
Everything I told them about. 
That only one person I told in detail everything.

Like things I wouldn't even write here.
Because I couldn't.

All the deepest wtf moments of my life.
And I ask myself why all these moments
where it's literally wtf?

Why does a crisis worker care more than a cop?
Why are they easier to explain the situation to?
Which isn't so hard to understand...

Because they seem to understand where I'm coming from.
Better than a cop does? Does that say something?

Because what would they want to have happen?

What would a normal considerate response be to that?
A reasonable response and approach?

And if I blindside them both, it won't go anywhere.
What if all it does is make everyone mad at me somehow?
Even when I do the right thing?
Like double edged sword all the way.

Because not everyone likes it when you do the right thing.
Even for the right reasons.

The crisis line guy said I'd get a call back.
From the crisis line or from the cops. 

Like if they explained the situation to them...
Then maybe the police will listen?

It's like I'd have to explain everything all over again.
Everything.

But they have a record of what I said.
Some sort of record.

"Just to say we talked."

If things were different then, they'd be different now.

I

Blood Boiling

I'm not going to go into detail about this. 
Not even on here. It's too personal. 

I'll talk in general terms about it 
because it's really under my skin right now. 

I went to the police station to talk about something, 
of a serious matter... To a police officer. 

And the one guy who "stopped" to talk to me
was of literally NO HELP.

He even said to me: "If I were you, I'd be livid."
HE EVEN F*CKING SAID THAT, TO MY FACE.

When I got there, there were a bunch of girls there.
They were LET INTO THE BUILDING
but the cop LETTING THEM INTO THE BUILDING
Tells me the building is CLOSED.

When I literally just saw him let in like 4 girls. 

So he tells me to use the phone on the outside of the building
TO CALL A COP TO COME TALK TO ME.

Then...I'm explaining the reason I'm calling.
To the damn dispatch and she's like: "He's an adult... 
Then "Is he delayed or something? Lots of people his age
are out on their own...."

DOES IT F*CKING MATTER?
I'M NOT THERE ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT
SOMEONE OF ANYONE'S AGE
SHOULD BE OUT ON THEIR OWN OR NOT. 
THAT ISN'T THE DAMN ISSUE. 

Then she's like: "He's choosing to be there..."

When someone thinks they are stuck
and don't think they have anywhere to go, 
then it's not really a choice.

I mean, keep living with someone who'd do that?
And it's assault I'm talking about. 
That's as much as I'll say. 

Like, I put in the call about it.
TO TALK TO A COP ABOUT A CRIME.
OF A SERIOUS NATURE.

BECAUSE ONLY ONE COP WOULD TALK TO ME
AND HE WASN'T LISTENING
OR HE WOULD HAVE TAKEN IT SERIOUSLY. 

SO HE ASKS ME WHETHER OR NOT I LIVE IN 
A HOUSE OR AN APARTMENT.... 

ONLY TO TELL ME THAT "WHEN I GET BACK TO MY APARTMENT"
TO CALL THEM, AGAIN, 
AND I AM LITERALLY STILL WAITING. 

BUT THE COP GAVE ME "RESOURCES"
I LITERALLY TOLD HIM WHAT WAS TOLD TO ME.
...BUT HERE ARE SOME RESOURCES
-BECAUSE THEY WILL CARE, 
AND THEY WILL LISTEN.-

WHEN I WAS LITERALLY AT A POLICE STATION!

Like you cannot tell me there's not ONE cop
in that damn place that could have actually listened to me
and actually taken me seriously. 

BUT IT WOULD BE VERY DIFFERENT
IF THEY WERE IN MY EXACT POSITION. 

NOBODY WOULD BE TALKING DOWN TO THEM
"DO YOU LIVE IN A HOUSE OR AN APARTMENT?"

THE FUQ DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING
I WAS EVEN TELLING TO THE GUY.

I LITERALLY TOLD HIM SOMEONE WAS ASSAULTED. 
AND SINCE I KNOW ABOUT IT, 
I HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

BECAUSE IF I DON'T,
IT WOULD SOMEHOW MAKE  ME COMPLICIT
WHEN I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

"In Canada, it doesn't work like that..."
Welp, in Canada, you should be allowed to report a crime
and not make it seem like a crime to 
WANT TO TALK TO A COP ABOUT 
A SERIOUS MATTER, SOMETHING AGAINST THE LAW...

Then he has the BALLS to say that everyone gets treated the SAME.
IF I EVER GOT TREATED THE SAME AS EVERYONE ELSE
I F*CKING MISSED THAT.

WHERE WAS ANYONE TO LISTEN TO ME
AND TAKE ME SERIOUSLY ABOUT ANYTHING?

Maybe that does go to show that 
IF THINGS WERE DIFFERENT THEN, 
THEY WOULD BE DIFFERENT NOW.

If I was treated the same, then, 
I'd be treated the same, now, right?

That's why those girls got to enter the building.
That's why I'm STILL WAITING to even speak on this.

Because what happens whenever I try to stand up?
For myself or anyone else?

NOBODY TAKES ME SERIOUSLY. 
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.

AND NOT ONLY DO THEY  NOT TAKE ME SERIOUSLY,
THEY TALK DOWN TO ME LIKE I AM STUPID. 

BECAUSE THEY ARE COPS. THEY KNOW "THE LAW."
Guess what? I'm pretty sure I'm smart enough
to know what is against the law and what isn't. 

And asking me questions THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH
WHAT I'M EVEN BRINGING UP
P*SSES ME OFF.

BECAUSE DON'T PUT YOUR SPIN ON
WHAT I AM TELLING YOU.

LIKE DOES ANYTHING I EVER SAY
EVER REGISTER AT ALL WITH ANYONE?

And getting treated like this over and over and over again
and them not REALIZING the restraint
that I actually have right now. 

BECAUSE IF HE WERE ME, HE'D BE LIVID. 
HE LITERALLY SAID THAT TO MY FACE.

That's as far as I get for any kind of recognition. 

And even my reaction's been delayed, again. 
But, yeah, I have to take it seriously, 
because it's a serious matter. 

BUT IT WOULD BE NICE TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY
WHEN I'M TALKING ABOUT A SERIOUS MATTER. 

NOT SPOKEN DOWN TO LIKE I DON'T KNOW THE LAW
BECAUSE I'M NOT A COP. 

I'M ACTUALLY GLAD I DIDN'T BECOME ONE. 
BECAUSE THIS IS THE KIND OF BULLSH*T
THAT GOES ON. 

YOU CAN'T EVEN GO TO THE POLICE STATION
THAT SHOULD BE OPEN 24/7
AND BE ABLE TO TALK TO A COP
WHO F*CKING LISTENS 
WHO DOESN'T JUDGE YOU BASED ON LOOKING AT YOU...
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING
ABOUT PEOPLE MAKING ASSUMPTIONS
THEN JUDGING BASED ON THAT ASSUMPTION... 

BECAUSE THEY DON'T LISTEN.

Do I just stop and not try to do anything about it?
Like it never happened? It did. 

My delayed reaction was because I was in shock. 
And that's what happened before. 
When you really never expected that to happen, 
and you don't know what to do about it
and THE PEOPLE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO TELL
DON'T TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY. 

BUT THEY ONLY SAY THAT SH*T TO YOU
AND YOU GET A BUNCH OF BS EXCUSES
ABOUT HOW "THE SYSTEM" WORKS.
LIKE I NEED A LECTURE ON THAT
INSTEAD: IF I WERE YOU, I'D BE LIVID!

WELL NO SH*T. 

That's literally what I get. 
 "When you get back to your apartment..."
When you get "home" would have sufficed. 
He literally patronized me. 

That's how I seem to get treated. 
Because  "everyone gets treated the same" is a load of SH*T.
And he knows it is
AS IT'S COMING OUT OF HIS MOUTH. 

I get it, YOU are busy. 
But YOU don't have to patronize ME.

Would he want to be patronized? Probably not. 
SO WHY IS IT OKAY TO DO THAT TO ME?

AND THE ONE WHO ANSWERED THE PHONE
TO TELL ME THEY CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT
BECAUSE HE'S AN ADULT...

BEING AN ADULT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH 
BEING A-S-S-A-U-L-T-E-D. 

AND THIS IS THE REASON PEOPLE DON'T
TRUST THE DAMN POLICE ANYMORE.
BECAUSE THE ONES YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO TRUST
PATRONIZE THE F*CK OUT OF PEOPLE.

It's been hours now and I bet not one cop shows up tonight. 
And if they do, they'll patronize me, too.

If all they do is patronize me, when I have rights, too, 
WHAT IS THE F*CKING POINT?

TO BE TOLD TO MY FACE....
THAT IF HE WAS ME, HE WOULD BE LIVID. 

I was already livid, to begin with,
but what did patronizing me do? Like, why bother?
To feel superior?
because he's a cop and knows "the law"?

And if I don't hear from the cops at all tonight,
then I have to go through the exact bullsh*t I just went through
TOMORROW, TOO?
UNTIL MAYBE ONE COP ACTUALLY LISTENS TO ME
AND TAKES ME SERIOUSLY?
TAKES THEIR JOB SERIOUSLY?

What does it have to take to actually be treated "the same"?
Because if he were ME, HE would be LIVID.

NO F*CKING KIDDING....

But if I were to deal with it, myself, 
things would be very different right now. 

But if I did that, I'd be the 'crazy one.'
But doing NOTHING?
How does that make me look? Seem?
Because if it were THEM, THEY would be LIVID.

So then WHY patronize me?
I get patronized so damn much. 

Even at the knitting group, 
the "leader" singled me out
to apologize to me, for not giving me credit. 
For something I made. 

Why apologize for not doing something
that they had no intention of doing?

Because if she wanted to, she would have
and NOT SINGLED ME OUT
IN FRONT OF EVERYONE
TO APOLOGIZE TO ME FOR NOT DOING IT?

Do you see how I'm not treated like everyone else?
Would she have done that to anyone else in the group?
Probably not. So why do that to me?

I've been treated very wrong by people
and that's really nothing compared to other things. 

But EVEN AT A DAMN KNITTING MEETING.
IF YOU CAN'T BE YOURSELF AT A KNITTING MEETING
BECAUSE OF PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY ARE
BETTER THAN YOU.
WHO WOULDN'T DO THAT TO ANYONE ELSE.
SO WHY DO IT TO ME?

Do you think that cop patronizes everyone?
or do you think he just patronize ME
because I don't look like someone
who should be TAKEN SERIOUSLY?

BECAUSE IT'S NOTHING TO DO
WITH THE REALITY OF THE SITUATION?
JUST HOW THE 'SYSTEM' WORKS?

YOU KNOW WHY THE 'SYSTEM' IS BROKEN?
BECAUSE IT'S ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE'S JOB.
OR "WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT THAT"
OR THEY WANT ME TO LISTEN TO THEM...
WHEN THEY ARE ASKING ME IF I LIVE IN A HOUSE OR AN APARTMENT. 
WHEN I'M LITERALLY STANDING 
OUTSIDE THE DAMN POLICE STATION. 

AND THE EXCUSE I GET IS EVERYTHING'S DONE ONLINE NOW...
THE F*CK DOES THAT EVEN MATTER?
IT'S NOT A CRIME BECAUSE THE "SYSTEM" WENT ONLINE?

So yeah, I'm pretty upset. 
Being patronized really p*sses me off. 
Don't EVER talk down to me like I don't know anything. 
Just because I LOOK LIKE I don't
doesn't mean that I don't.

And imagine if it WAS them?
Things would be handled differently.
Would they be patronized?
OR WOULD THAT MAKE THEM LIVID?

Knowing WHY I might be "LIVID"
and STILL patronizing me...

This is literally my life. 
When I even try to do the right thing,
for the right reasons, this is what I've gotten.
My word against everyone's and patronizing BULLSH*T.

Would they want to be spoken to like they are stupid?
and only cops know the law?

DOES IT MATTER IF THE COP HAS A HOUSE OR AN APARTMENT?
NO? THEN WHY WOULD IT MATTER IF I DO
WHEN I'M NOT EVEN THERE TO DISCUSS THAT!!!!???

GET MY POINT? I really hope you do. 
Because this is BS!!! 

You know what else is BS?
When my son ran away from school
and not any cop came to tell me
or speak to me about him being missing... 

THEY EVEN CAME HERE WHEN I WASN'T HERE.
BECAUSE I ALWAYS LEAVE HIS BEDROOM DOOR CLOSED. 

My brother told me because the police put a BOLO on him, 
BUT THEY NEVER CONTACTED ME TO TELL ME.
YOU'D THINK THEY WOULD?

YOU'D THINK HIS FATHER WOULD SAY SOMETHING?

You'd think a lot of things... You would. 
And you'd think you could.
WITHOUT BEING PATRONIZED
WHEN YOU'RE LITERALLY TELLING SOMEONE
THAT SOMETHING ILLEGAL HAPPENED.

This is part of the reason that most people
don't even go to the cops anymore about this stuff. 

IMAGINE if I didn't take anything seriously?
EVEN things of a serious matter?

And just told someone to call "a number...."
Just told them that if I was them, I'd be LIVID?

I'm still waiting to talk to a damn officer?
AND THEN WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I DO?

They go talk to people who are going to deny it?
That's pretty much all. That's it.
Then they'll say "We did all we 'could'"
WHEN WE KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE!

BECAUSE AT THE VERY LEAST
DON'T INSULT SOMEONE BY PATRONIZING THEM. 
 
BECAUSE IT DOES NOT MATTER WHETHER I LIVE
IN A DAMN HOUSE OR AN APARTMENT.
I CAME TO THE STATION FOR A REASON.

BUT IT'S LIKE EVERY TIME I TRY TO DO THE RIGHT THING, 
IT BLOWS UP IN MY FACE.
BECAUSE OF "THE SYSTEM"
AND PATRONIZING BULLSH*TTERS.

Things would be different if I was treated better.
If I didn't get these types of responses and even worse.

LIKE THE COP EVEN HAD MY NAME
BECAUSE HE FOUND OUT WHERE I WAS IN THE LINE.
OF DISPATCH CALLS.

BECAUSE I HAD TO GO THROUGH DISPATCH
TO TALK TO AN OFFICER I'M STILL WAITING TO SPEAK TO
EVEN THOUGH I WAS AT THE DAMN STATION.

And I swear, if I get more excuses and BS
ABOUT WHY THEY CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS...

I WILL LIKELY BE PAST LIVID.

And if I wanted to react the way I want to, right now, 
I'd be the one in jail. 

And I'm betting that this just gets swept under the carpet
like it never happened
because that's seemingly what people think they can just do. 
INSTEAD OF ADDRESS ANYTHING.

AND WHEN THERE IS SOMETHING
THAT NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED
AND YOU GO AND TRY TO DO THAT...
AND THEY TELL YOU TO GO BACK TO YOUR "APARTMENT"
AND MAKE PHONE CALLS.
THEY WON'T LET YOU MAKE WHILE YOU'RE THERE.

BECAUSE THEY REALLY COULD HAVE.
IF THEY CARED SOOOO MUCH.

BUT - IF I WERE YOU, I'D BE LIVID....
THAT'S THE RESPONSE I GOT.

Do I even call them back and ask if someone will come TONIGHT?
OR DO I JUST WAIT FOR A COMPLETE LAPSE
IN THE SYSTEM - AND DO THIS ALL AGAIN TOMORROW?

BUT IF THEY WERE ME... THEY'D BE LIVID.
Because YOU WOULD THINK
THAT YOU COULD GO TO THE POLICE STATION,
WHERE THE POLICE ARE...
AND SPEAK TO AN OFFICER ABOUT A CRIME.

WITHOUT BEING PATRONIZED
FOR EVEN WANTING TO SPEAK TO ANYONE
ABOUT SOMETHING
THAT IF IT WERE THEM, THEY WOULD BE LIVID. 
I sh*t you not, those are the exact words he said. 

So then, WOULD IT MAKE SENSE
THAT IF HE WERE LIVID
HE WOULD WANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY?

Would THAT make SENSE?
Because YOU tell ME if that makes sense. 
BECAUSE IT DOES TO ME.

But no... I'll let these girls in, 
and then he tells ME to use the phone outside
AND THE DISPATCH COULD NOT CARE LESS.
ASKING ME QUESTIONS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO
WITH THE LITERAL ISSUE. 

And then being spoken to like:
Go back to your 'apartment' and call them from there.
How many calls do I need to make?
To literally tell them the exact same thing?

If you can't tell the cops about something 
OF A SERIOUS NATURE...
WHAT GOOD ARE THEY DOING?

Look at us, we told you to use a phone outside
then dispatch is rude af.
Then the officer trying to act like he gives a f*ck. 

He just told me to go home and call them, AGAIN.
WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO CALL THEM
WHEN I'M LITERALLY OUTSIDE THE POLICE STATION?

DO NONE OF THESE PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THE GRAVITY?

Because when you think something like that wouldn't happen...
When you put your trust in someone for so long
and you don't think they would...

It does come as a shock and the shock wore off. 
And I want this issue addressed. 

And I don't even have anyone to call to even listen to me about this
except the "numbers" and "resources" the patronizer gave me.

AND THE PEOPLE TO CALL ARE THE POLICE.
WHICH I'VE DONE TWICE NOW.

And spoke to TWO OF THE MOST OBLIVIOUS
OUT OF TOUCH PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTUALLY COPS...
I'VE ENCOUNTERED IN A LONG TIME.

If the shoe was on the other foot?
How would it be, then?

If you were met with the SAME AUDACITY I GET...
It's insulting to be patronized. 
 
AND THEY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE DOING.
THE WORST IS PRETENDING TO GAF.
WHEN IT'S YOUR JOB TO GAF.

AND AS A PERSON, IN GENERAL, 
IT WOULD BE COOL TO ACTUALLY GAF
ESPECIALLY IF THEY'D BE LIVID!!!!
AND ACTUALLY TELLING ME THIS TO MY FACE!!!!

Yeah, audacity rubs me the wrong way.
Because YOU WOULD THINK THAT YOU COULD
JUST GO TO THE POLICE STATION
AND A COP MIGHT ACTUALLY TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY
AND IF HE COULDN'T ASSIST, 
THEN YOU CAN'T TELL ME THERE'S NOBODY IN THERE.

Yes, you would think that. 
BUT that's not where we're at...
We're in the digital age
where PEOPLE BECAME STUPID OVERNIGHT.

"Everything's just done online now..."
So should I text a cop or what?
Calling does sh*t
GOING OVER THERE DOES SH*T.

AND YOU CANNOT REASON WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE THAT STUPID.
BECAUSE THE STUPID ONES
TREAT ME LIKE I'M THE STUPID ONE.

But if it were HIM, he'd be LIVID, right?
Livid that you're talking to me like you think I'm stupid?!
When I knew he knew what I was saying
BECAUSE HAD HE LISTENED TO ME
WHAT CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH...
IF SHE HAD LISTENED TO WHAT CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH.
Literally if MOST PEOPLE HEARD WHAT CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH
Instead of trying to talk to me like I must be "slow"
because they think they can just treat me like I am. 

THEY DO THAT BECAUSE THAT IS HOW THEY LOOK AT ME.
THEY CHOOSE TO LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.

They don't have to, that is a choice. 
They could treat me THE WAY THEY WANT TO BE TREATED.
WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT.
Or just be another patronizing D*CK
who thinks they KNOW BETTER THAN YOU.

Why? Because I don't outright share EVERYTHING?
NO. Assumptions. Plain and simple. 

HEY, SOMEONE TOLD ME ABOUT A CRIME.
I NEED TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE ABOUT IT.
USE THIS PHONE AND SPEAK TO PEOPLE
WHO HAVE NOTHING CONSTRUCTIVE TO EVEN SAY.
EXCEPT THEY WOULD BE LIVID IF IT WAS THEM
AND HOW EVERYONE IS TREATED THE SAME.

While they expected me to wait OUTSIDE the station
FOR SOMEONE TO COME TALK TO ME
AND WHAT DO THEY SAY?
TO CALL THEM AGAIN...

Telling me that I have to be "resourceful and find a phone."
BECAUSE I DON'T CARRY AROUND A PHONE.
AND THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE ISSUE. 

IT WAS LIKE THE ISSUE IS A NON-ISSUE.
That's literally how that felt, and how that went. 

Like when I wanted to press charges on the guy
who abused me when I was a kid...
Because I was getting to an age where I might have been able to.

But this is what they said...
THEY SAID I NEEDED PROOF THAT IT HAPPENED.
EVEN THOUGH I TOLD THEM EVERYTHING.

Basically, my word against his so THEY DID NOTHING.
My word against anyone's and everyone's.
MY WHOLE LIFE.

I COULD LITERALLY TELL EVERYONE
THAT THE WORLD WAS GOING TO END
AND THEY WOULD JUST SAY:

WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?
WHERE'S YOUR SUCCESS STORY.

AND THE COP TONIGHT....
He'd be LIVID if he was me.

Then to say things like "I know the law, listen to ME."
When I'm TRYING TO TELL HIM SOMETHING.

So I still didn't get to talk to anyone. 
EXCEPT THOSE TWO SH*TS
WHO I WANT TO SUE THEIR PANTS OFF
FOR TALKING TO ME LIKE THAT...

REGARDING THIS ISSUE.
LIKE IT'S INSIGNIFICANT.

Because if it was THEM, 
they'd want to SPEAK TO SOMEONE RIGHT AWAY.
Instead of being pushed away with "resources"
and call us again when you get back to your "apartment."

And how do you tell people
without having to tell people
NOT TO TREAT YOU THAT WAY?

BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE
THEY NEVER HAD TO TREAT ME LIKE THAT.

I'M PRETTY SURE THEY'D WANT TO ACTUALLY
DO THEIR JOBS?
AND NOT JUST TELL YOU TO CALL THEM, THEN CALL THEM AGAIN...
-AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO JUST BE TOLD:
"I'd be livid if I were you..."
Did I ask for even an opinion about the situation?
And that is all I got. Literally. Opinions and excuses. 

But ALL people are treated the same?
So if someone other than me
wanted to tell the police the exact same thing that I did, 
what would you expect the cops to do?
How would you expect them to react?
Or RESPOND.

Even as someone CONCERNED ABOUT THE SITUATION?
IMAGINE BEING CONCERNED
ABOUT A CONCERNING SITUATION... 

No, only if they are concerned.
THEN THEY CAN BE LIVID.

But you're not me. So why care?
Basically what that is.

Then he wanted to take my name 
to "say that we spoke about it."

WHEN HE HAS MY NAME
BECAUSE IT'S AS EASY AS FINDING OUT
WHERE I WAS IN THE LINE OF CALLS...
SO HOW COULD HE HAVE FOUND OUT
THAT I WAS 10TH IN LINE
WITHOUT FINDING OUT MY NAME?

But, no. He wanted to write down my name
IN FRONT OF ME
to make it seem to me, 
that he was taking me seriously.

If he was taking me seriously, 
I would have been allowed in that damn station
and I would have been able to talk to someone about it.
He would have sent someone from inside the station
to talk to me. 

Like "oh, someone got assaulted?"
"Give us a call when you get back to your "apartment."

I wish I could have filmed some of the BS...
All the sh*t people do and say to me in general. 
How they speak to me.

How they push me aside and not listen. 
But they can be livid if they were in my situation. 
"Everyone gets treated the same." No, the, f*ck, they, don't. 

It seems that certain people get preferential treatment. 
But nobody's allowed to say anything about it.
Like if you "look" poor, you're of no significance.
All the way up.

Even if I was up, 
I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE PATRONIZED
ALL THE DAMN TIME
FOR NO OTHER REASON
THAN THEY ENJOY IT
BECAUSE I NEVER ASKED THEIR OPINIONS.

Either that, or they literally DO NOT THINK.
But they KNOW exactly what they are doing.
And they know that I know exactly what they are doing, 
YET THEY STILL DO IT.

Even if I was in another 'social class'
doesn't give me a right to look down on people. 

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T TELL WHO TF I AM
BY ASKING ME IF I LIVE IN A HOUSE OR AN APARTMENT
AND THAT THE SITUATION ISN'T SERIOUS, 
BUT "IF IT WERE ME, I'D BE LIVID."

And to try to patronize me by writing down my NAME
in front of me, 
BUT NOT STOPPING TO WRITE
ANYTHING I WAS TELLING HIM, 
THE REASON I EVEN WENT THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?

IT'S LIKE A SLAP IN THE FACE.

Especially!!!!! Because he would be LIVID.

If you knew the details, beyond what I've said, 
YOU WOULD PROBABLY BE LIVID TOO.

Like NOW I have to stay UP ALL NIGHT.
IN CASE THE COPS SHOW UP TO TALK TO ME.

Because you'd THINK you'd be able to go to a POLICE station
to speak to the POLICE.

Not go to the police station FOR F*CKING RESOURCES.
That's not even what I asked for.
"Hey there's be an assault."
"Here's some resources."

He even told me to LOOK at it while he was holding it in his HAND.
Like yeah I will look at it when you GIVE it to me. 
BUT I'M LOOKING AT YOU BECAUSE I'M TALKING TO YOU.

I DON'T GAF ABOUT RESOURCES
THE POLICE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE F*CKING RESOURCE!!!

I'm sorry that this is a long rant, 
I'm trying to show some restraint, 
and I had to use a lot of restraint with those cops. 
I hope the one was recorded on the phone. 
How "Idgaf" she was, to me.
Like it didn't matter why I was there.

I can't go into direct details.
I'm not happy with 'the system.'

The system failed me many times.
Especially when I spoke up about anything.

But it's like they probably heard my name and look at my 'record'
which isn't anything, but I know they do.

I've never been charged with anything. 
But the people who have charges aren't being looked at, 
just totally judging the situation
and judging me.

Like the conscious choice to patronize someone...
IS BECAUSE YOU JUDGED THEM.

YOU WOULDN'T PATRONIZE EVERYONE.
EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.
EVEN ME AND I'M SUPPOSEDLY STUPID.

I know there's some kind of 'record' on me
because there's probably still one at CAS.
Pretty sure they keep records.
Because they used mine against me. 

They used mine against me in college, 
because I was allowed to participate in the RCMP training thing, 
but there was another thing
that I wasn't allowed to participate in because they said
there were 'red flags' and nobody would tell me what that was...

So no, not everyone gets treated the same. That's BS.
It's like I need help TO GET HELP.
Like I can't just outright ask for it.
But if it came from someone else, it would be different.

I swear, I think people put me in situations
JUST TO SEE HOW I REACT.
BECAUSE IF I ACTED THE WAY I FELT TONIGHT, 
I WOULD BE IN JAIL RIGHT NOW. 
THAT COP WOULD HAVE HAD TO ARREST ME.

IMAGINE GETTING ARRESTED FOR ASKING FOR HELP?

That's almost as bad as it gets.
THAT would be a slap in the face.
Nevermind not getting help when you ask for it.
And them saying they can't do anything about it
because this that and the third.
All kinds of excuses not to address the actual issue. 
But I have to stay up all night
in case they decide to show up to 'talk to me.'

To give me excuses and give me more resources?
The biggest excuse "this is how the system works."
But it's different if it were you.
Because you're a cop who lives in a house
(because why even ask me if I live in one or not)?
If I were a cop who lives In a house,
things would be different, right?

BECAUSE COPS CARE ABOUT OTHER COPS?

But let me get your name...
JUST TO SAY WE TALKED?

WHAT DID WE TALK ABOUT?
HOW YOU WEREN'T GOING TO HELP ME
OR EVEN LISTEN TO ME?

He wanted to get my name to say we talked?
BECAUSE HE DIDN'T TALK TO ME
ABOUT WHY I WAS THERE.
I LITERALLY GOT SCOFFED AT
AND WASN'T ALLOWED IN THE BUILDING
EVEN THOUGH OTHERS WERE ALLOWED IN THE BUILDING.

Told me I had to be resourceful and find a phone
WHEN I LITERALLY TOLD HIM
THAT I JUST USED THE DAMN PHONE
OUTSIDE THE DAMN POLICE STATION!!!!

DON'T BE TELLING ME I NEED TO BE RESOURCEFUL
BECAUSE THAT WAS WHY I WAS THERE:
BEING RESOURCEFUL
SINCE THE POLICE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE RESOURCEFUL...

TELLING ME TO BE??? 
DO YOU WANT ME TO DO YOUR JOB FOR YOU?

Because that's what it sounds like to me.

But it's NICE to know you would be LIVID if you were ME.
Nice to know that, eh?

The audacity people seem to have when it comes to me,
BUT IF IT WAS THE OTHER WAY AROUND
THEY WOULD LOOK AT IT DIFFERENTLY.

IF SOMEONE ELSE TOLD THEM, 
THEY WOULD LISTEN.
THE FIRST TIME YOU SAY IT.
BECAUSE IT WOULD ACTUALLY MATTER
LIKE IT ACTUALLY SHOULD MATTER.

But it seems to only matter if it happens to them?
Only if THEY go to the police station.
ONLY if I'm dressed in sports shorts like those girls were?
Can't let THEM stand outside in the cold...

And you know what? I'D STILL BE WAITING THERE.
OUTSIDE THE DAMN POLICE STATION
FOR AN OFFICER ON PATROL.

It's 12AM now. When are they going to show up? 3AM? 5AM?
Whenever they 'get around to it'?

It's like I'm damned if I don't and damned if I do. 
Sometimes I think things are just meant to get a reaction out of me
so people can judge me on my reaction. 

Like if I do anything about it I'm overreacting, 
but if I don't do anything about it, I don't care?

And when do I actually get to do anything about it?
When does anyone do anything on my behalf?
When do people listen to me?

Do I have to beg for that?
Wouldn't the reaction be: "Whoa! That's not cool!
Let me help you do something about that?"

Instead of he's an adult. Let him deal with it.

Isn't it supposed to be "If you know something, say something?"

Like they both acted like they didn't hear a damn word I said.

If I said: "Hey, I found a dead body."
Would they be like "when you get back to your "apartment" call them again"?
Would they be like "here's some resources
BECAUSE THEY WILL LISTEN AND THEY WILL CARE....

I'M TALKING TO YOU, ABOUT IT, OFFICER.
But no. LOOK at the resources I have for you.
He literally told me to LOOK AT IT.
LIKE I'M A CHILD.

HOW PATRONIZING IS PATRONIZING?
HOW ABOUT BEING SPOKEN TO LIKE THAT?

When you're literally telling a cop about a crime.
That, apparently, you can't report
because no cop at the station will take a report.
GO HOME AND WAIT
SEE IF THEY SHOW UP OR NOT.

EITHER GO HOME AND WAIT
OR SIT OUT HERE IN THE COLD AND WAIT.
BE SURE TO CALL, AGAIN, THOUGH.

Isn't the point of going to a police station to talk to a cop
something that should be allowed?
Should even be expected given certain circumstances?

Like I'm the only one taking it seriously?

If I told you the exact situation, it'd make more sense.
In the context... But it's bad enough without that.

Solitary

Despite the times I felt alone, in the past. 
I realized that there are certain things I need to be alone to do.

When I've been around people, 
they've tried to shape me and mold me
into what they wanted me to be. 
And that doesn't make me feel comfortable.

Also, they assume they can "teach" me like a guru. 
There are some things, sure, 
but to assume I don't know anything
and have to be taught everything...
And then instead of setting the record straight, 
on what I do know...

I just keep it all to myself. 
OR I write some of it here.

It's pretty frustrating, 
having assumptions made about my intellect.

Just because I keep 99% of things to myself, 
doesn't mean there's nothing to me.

I learned that most people won't listen.
I learned that 'forcing' people to listen doesn't work. 
Because they have to choose to listen.

But, yes, it's aggrevating when people don't want to listen, 
and not only that they don't want to listen, 
they have their perception...

Like I'm supposedly not worth listening to
because "where's your success story?"

I could say a bunch of things, 
I could make lots of points,
but it's like I'm speaking another language or something. 
Because, to me, what I'm saying is pretty straightforward.

I think part of it is that if it came from someone else, 
they would listen. Just not to me.
Because I have yet to make a "name" for myself. 

The thing is that if I have to be a certain "way"
to make a "name" for myself, is there a point?

To be "well known"?
When the people who have been in my life
don't even know me at all?
They think they do, they might know some things about me, 
but they don't really know me.

I know this. Because if they did,
they wouldn't treat me like nothing I say is worthwhile.
"So why listen to A***?"

Maybe if they knew me, they'd recognize things about me. 
And after recognizing some things about me, 
they'd realize some things about me.
And maybe after realizing some things about me, 
they'd understand some things about me.

But it's not a thing I can "make" someone do.

All of it makes me want to just be alone. 
It's easier and better than being around people who don't even know me. 
Who think they do, but only assume things about me.

Who wants to be looked at as the sum of everyone's opinions?

One thing that has been driving me nuts
is being judged based on assumptions. 

Like people assuming things about me
and then judging me based on their assumptions.
It happens way too much. 
To the point of "why bother?"

The judgementally got so bad
and I couldn't understand why people have treated me like that.
Then the constant brooding over how I have been treated
thinking I actually didn't deserve that...

When other people wouldn't have been treated like that
and if I had been almost anyone else,
things would have been fair for me, also.

But what I've been saying about the assumptions, 
it created a lot of prejudice. 

Funny how the people who supposedly know me
tend to judge me the most.

FOR NOT BEING 'LIKE THEM.'
But I don't want to be 'like them.'
Because being 'like them' comes with BS expectations.

One of those expectations being that I'll react
the exact way other people would.
When I have had a "normal response"
to something super heavy, I'm being told that I'm being fake. 

So when it's not recognized that I'm expressing my emotions, 
then I just internalize.

It's like a two-edged sword.
With a lot of things.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't. 

So wouldn't you want to just be alone, then?
Instead of being judged for everything by everyone?

But why try to make a "name" for myself?
To have a "success story"?

In this city, it's a lot to do with who you know. 
It's not as much about who you are.

Like how Justin Trudeau has family ties. 
That has a lot to do with how he became Prime Minister.

Anyone else who has family ties
probably has just as good of a chance. 

Leadership skills matter, especially in that regard. 
If you can't lead yourself, how are you supposed to lead a country?

Like taking accountability. 
For how Canada could be better
and how things got the way they are today. 

The carbon tax was a way of giving himself a raise.
Because he did, after he increased the tax.

The campaign promises from 9 years ago...
Hasn't happened.

Pretty much all the Liberals have been doing
is giving special interest groups tons of leeway, 
even when it comes to preferntial treatments...

And they legalized marijuana, for profit on it...
Something they can tax. Just like everything else.

I wonder how much money just off taxing marijuana per year.

Not sure why,but for some people, duringthe pandemic, 
it was hard to isolate.
As though they couldn't bearto sit with their own thoughts.

People who can't bring themselves to just be by themselves and just think...
But I have been there. Wanting distractions from
things that I'd rather not think about. 

Except those distractions distract us from actually considering things.
We can do all kinds of easy things.
But honestly looking at ourselves is something 
that is really hard for people.

I get it. I didn't want to look at myself.
Especially when I used  to drink.

I didn't want to look at anything I was doing
that I shouldn't have done.
It hits me at night and when I'm waking up.

"Everyone makes mistakes."
But mistakes are choices.

A lot of choices I made, I didn't have to choose what I chose.
But I did. I chose what I chose.
Wish I hadn't, now, but the fact remains that I did.

So now, I have to live with that fact.
Becoming a better person is great.
The fact remains that I was the kind of person that I was.

Just that I have to live with a bunch of facts. 

Definitely Cringe

Looking through my stats I am seeing
That some of my old stuff is being read.
The really old stuff...
Been writing on this blog for 20 years this year.
It's nice to see how far I've come, 
but it's cringe, too.

The saving grace is that it's mostly anonymous.
Not everyone who reads it knows who I am. 

Most people I know and have known for years
don't know about this blog, or the other one.

Maybe it'll all come out after my death.
I sometimes think about that.

But what bothers me is knowing that the people
who were supposed to be the closest to me
trying to act like they're going to miss me
when they don't miss me enough
while I am alive, to call me.

To ask me how I'm doing, even. 

That's how my Grandmother felt. 
She'd cry to me about it.
I know how she felt.

I brought it up in a study group I was in,
how my family who could have been there, for her, weren't. 

A lady told me this: "Maybe they don't have the capacity."
A capacity. I hadn't thought about that until she said it.
What determines capacity? 
When we know this, we can determine how to expand it.

When I first quit drinking, I was into a big learning kick.
Which I deviated from because I was too focused on other things.
I'd tried dating, again.

But when I was on that learning kick, I felt pretty good.
It helped me get through the first 3 months which are the hardest.

Well what I meant by expanding it
was the time I went to a mini class thing...
It was at an office and it was a way of getting clients, 
but it was useful information. 

A lady was talking about how comfort zones can expand.
As we get comfortable with things that aren't comfortable, 
the comfort zone doesn't shrink back to where it used to be.

When I go back and read stuff I wrote while I was depressed...
I wasn't comfortable just being myself. 
Still really not, but I at least I appreciate things a lot more than I did.

I had been depressed for so long that I had lost touch with my feelings.
I mentioned that I internalize emotions and I got so good at doing it
that I was numb to a lot of things.

When I went to AA, someone said this:
We can't selectively numb our feelings. 
I was trying to numb waves of pain.
Instead of trying to retrain myself, I was focused on that
and I used the fact I felt the way I felt
to justify my drinking. 

But it's true. We can't just numb the pain, 
because when we do it, we make ourselves numb to everything else.

The freedom from it, is actually underneath it.
Was I buried in it, or did I bury myself in it?

If I buried myself in it, could I dig my way out?
Yeah, it can get exhausting.
Unpacking so much stuff and reflecting on it.

When we reflect, it makes realizing more likely.
That's what the questions were for. 
Sometimes I ask questions here, 
trying to make a point without having to make it
because when we ask ourselves, we make the point to ourselves. 

That is what I call a realization. 
When we get to the point. 
The point itself and the point of the point.

But it takes SEEING it
which requires LOOKING at it.

When we get the question, 
you have to look at it to be able to answer it, 
but as the lady suggested, maybe some people
just don't have the capacity to look at something.

Which brings me back to what determines capacity. 
What does it take to increase a person's capacity
to be able to look at something?

What if they have the capacity, but just don't want to?

Because, yeah, a lot of things are uncomfortable.
Especially ADMITTING - EVEN TO OURSELVES
Things we don't want to see about ourselves, 
BUT IF WE REFUSE TO SEE THOSE THINGS...
HOW ARE WE TO REFLECT ON THOSE THINGS?

Those things are still there whether we want to look at them or not.
Honestly, I refused to look at things for so long
that I just didn't. Until...
It came up randomly, years, decades later.

Where I have been having to admit those things. 
No matter how hard it is to admit, even to myself. 

Under my own judgment, but for a reason.
All the moments where I've had to call myself out. 
Whether I wanted to, or not.

It used to p*ss me off and I'd get defensive.
But if there are things I need to be looking at...
Then there are things I need to be looking at.
That goes for everyone.

What I learned was that when I got defensive
I was defending myself but my stance, too.

Trying to prove a point to someone who is refusing to look at
let alone listen to anything you say...
How likely are they to get the point?

That's what it's been like, for me.
Someone said "Why should I listen to you? Where's your success story?"
Like if I had a "success story" I'd be "worth" listening to?
That's how some people think. 
If I had a "success story" I'd be "worth" listening to.
Does that say anything about my worth?
Or does it say something about their perception of my worth?

Is it up to me to change anyone's perception of my worth?
Or their perception of anything about me?
When they tend to look at everyone that way?
Not just me?

Does it bother me to be underestimated or "made" to look a type of way?
Even when I don't give them the reaction they want?

When I don't just let them try to justify their crap?
I mean, if people didn't try to justify their crap
then I wouldn't have to not let them.

I get the part about not wanting to feel shame.
Feeling ashamed is a pretty heavy feeling. 
But usually, it's enough for a person to want to change.

When I was younger, I kept asking my Grandmother
if she was mad at me, but she'd just say she was disappointed.
Disappointing her was worse than her being mad at me.
It did instill shame, at times,
but so do the random things that come up
that I've been trying to forget for years.

Is knowing that you're a different person currently/presently
good enough vs how you feel about the person you were?
Does it make a difference? If so, how big of a difference does it make?

And not everyone will see the difference.
Because they've already constructed their perception. 

And is that for me to do anything about?
Is it up to me to reconstruct their perception?
And even if it is, will they listen?

When someone believes so much in their perception, 
what would it take for them to change it?

"A man convinced against his will, 
is a man of the same opinion, still."

I believed in my perceptions.
I couldn't be easily convinced. 

To change your perception, you have to consider
that there are different perceptions.
AND JUST BECAUSE WE THINK SOME THINGS
DOESN'T MAKE THEM TRUE.

Doesn't our perception affect many things?
What we look at, how we look at it...
Among other things...
One of those things is how we think about it.
Which affects other things...

Many other things.

I Wish I Had Listened

Yesterday was 4/20.
If you don't know about it, it's marijuana day.
Supposedly there are 420 'chemicals' in marijuana.
I use chemicals loosely because they aren't man-made.
More like cannabinoids. 
Supposedly, we have cannabinoid receptors in our brains.

Although I take breaks from time to time, 
and often smoking pot gets me feeling very anxious.
It didn't get me in those feelings, years ago...

Anyway, when it was illegal in Canada,
there were big rallies on Parliament hill. 
It was legal to smoke it, in that place, at 4:20pm.
Everyone lit up all at once. 
Imagine hundreds of people, and the smoke cloud alone
being enough to get you high.

So now you know, if you didn't already.

The government taxes marijuana. 
Effectively, they are drug dealers.

Still need a license to be able to sell it legally.
There are dealers who still have buyers, 
but going to the store is easier than waiting on dealers.
Also, you know that it's not cut with anything.

I've heard of pot being cut with fentanyl. 
Fentanyl is a very deadly drug.

Instead of taking those chances, easier to go to the store.

I forget what day it was, but it was in April
when someone I knew and I found the guy in the park
after he overdosed. He had 2 empty bottles of pills in his bag.
I saw the bottles when the paramedics came
and they were gathering his things.

The guy was still alive and in really bad shape. 
He wanted to roll over onto his back, 
but I let him just lean against my leg
so that he couldn't get onto his back
because he had been puking...

That's why we thought he'd just gotten sloshed, 
but I knew something was wrong
because it looked like he was barely hanging on.

I often wonder about the dude. 

And the other dude I came across another time.
It was when I was in the program at the soup kitchen. 
They have a free culinary program.
It's a good opportunity for those who take it seriously. 

I had a lot going on emotionally, 
so it was hard to focus on anything. 

Anyway, after the program ended, 
I had brought a joint and I was walking around
looking for a place to smoke it.

I ended up on the island, I think this was in April, too.
I remember the water levels being pretty high. 

So I was there and some random guy waved at me.
I waved back and he offered me some berries, 
we ate, smoked, and talked. 

He told me he had a bad fentanyl addiction
and one time he overdosed at a gas station
but the clerk of the gas station called EMS.
They obviously saved his life...
But I remember him telling me how angry he was that they did.

I guess he had a death wish. 
Living on the streets isn't the greatest.

There's a level of freedom, but...
Someone said to me:
"What's freedom when you have nowhere to go?"

Freedom from rent and bills. 
Freedom from problematic neighbors
(because you can go anywhere else).

Just a couple of examples.
It sucks when it's wet outside.
It sucks when it's freezing outside.
It sucks when people try to rob you...

There are a bunch of things that suck.
But there's a type of freedom.

It's kind of living off the grid, 
but you're still somewhat attached to the grid. 

Hard to explain what I mean by that.

There are a few places I used to "stay."
And there were some squatters I'd met.
I didn't stay with them for long, though.

Let's just say that I know I could manage, again, 
if I had to... Because I managed before.

I kept going to school, though,
until the police were looking for me...

Not because I was a criminal, but because I was a minor.
I was supposed to be in the custody of CAS.
Where I didn't want to be.

Most of the people I had met during that time are gone now.
They were much older than me.
I was 14 and most of them were already older than I am today.

I mostly stuck to alcohol, but I drank too much.
It's crazy to know that I've been sober now for 10 years.
I quit drinking shortly before my Grandmother passed away.

I still have dreams about her, but waking up to realize she died...
She was the closest person to me.

She stuck by me even at my worst.
I love her, I miss her.

Sometimes I struggle to process 'grief.'
So I don't tend to show it outwardly, 
even though a bunch of feelings swirling on the inside. 

In those videos I saw about cops interrogating people
and people commenting on how composed and reserved they are, 
not showing 'appropriate' emotions or any at all...

A lot of people just don't.
It doesn't mean they don't care.
It doesn't mean they don't feel anything...

Some don't... But what I was getting at
is that some people internalize everything, 
including their emotions.
Like so introverted that they just internalize it.
And it's usually an automatic reaction. 
Because whether they conditioned themselves to do it,
or were conditioned otherwise to do it, 
they'll do it.

I'm the kind of person who internalizes.
Blogging is me expressing myself. 

But just because I wouldn't be bawling hysterically
doesn't make me guilty of anything.

Internalizing, to me, is much better
than being accused of 'fake crying'
which has happened to me while I was actually crying.

Either way, I'd be accused of something
because people who express their feelings, grief, whatever...
Show it in ways that make sense to others
who express their feelings in the same way, 
the way that's 'expected.'

Like I've said many times before...
People are going to judge me no matter what.
No matter what I say, do, think, write, express, etc.
Doesn't make them right about me.
Just because we think something, doesn't make it true.

During my thought experiments,
I realized all the stupid little judgments I used to make
were mostly because I was around judgemental people.

After spending more time away from that, I felt better.

Recently I wrote a post about that with an example.
The post is called At Least By The Age Of 40.
Something like that.

I went on a bit of a rant (nothing new)
about how my ex was judging a little girl 
while we were at a kids' talent show.

A lot of our "judgments" are unnecessary.
Which I wish everyone knew.
All the unnecessary things being unnecessary...

Would make a lot of things better.
Or maybe that's a judgment.
Judging how things could be without any of that...

All I know is that 'freeing up' the part of the mind
that is fluent in judgments... 
Allows it to become fluent in other things, 
to think about other things.

That's another thing that changed a lot for me.
Giving myself new things to think about. 
Because it helped me see things in new ways.

Thinking the ways I used to think
wasn't doing anything for me.
I'll admit this: I'm good at standing in my own way.
I know how easy it is to do. 
I do it without even trying to do it.
So I know that others do it, too. 

"If it were so easy, everyone would be doing it."

What gets most people is thinking something is "too hard"
so they don't even "try" let alone KEEP "trying"
until they do learn it...

As little ones, just learning to walk, 
they keep trying until they learn. 
Then it became 'automatic.'
Well, thinking in the ways that we do...
That becomes automatic. 

UNTIL we actually see that one of the reasons
we're standing in our own way
is thinking the way we think.

It's been a long time, most of my life, 
feeling the way I felt, because I thought the way I thought.
Knowing how I used to be, I struggle with that.
Now that I'm not like that, anymore.

I read somewhere that a lot of people who see you in a type of way
will keep seeing you in that way.

They already have constructed a version of you, in their views.
Whether or not that's who you actually are, 
what they think and how they see you, 
determines who you are, to them.

Is it fair to have multiple versions of you?
Without being seen for who you are?
Only based on what people THINK
which doesn't make it TRUE.

That's been me, all my life. 
But there came a point where I had to stop
trying to get them to see who I am. 

If they only want to see me for how I was, 
they will. Nothing I can do about it.

But even if there was, would it be worth my time?
Would it be worth my time to try to prove a point?

There was someone I used to talk to
who had a way of making a point without making a point. 
He asked me questions about what we were talking about. 
The point was to get me to think deeper into it.

The answers I was giving after I thought about it, 
weren't for him, they were for me.
Which was how he was making the points.
Without making a point about making those points, 
because that was the actual point.

I miss those talks because I learned a lot from them.
I learned a lot from him. I miss the guy.

Anyway, I wish I had listened... Really listened. 
And not been stuck in my head so much.
A few years went by where I was mentally stuck, 
probably because I was emotionally stuck.

Which is a lot to do with brooding. 
Which is one of the things that isn't necessary.
Just one of those automatic things.

I wasted so much time brooding on stuff. 
Maybe because I'd attached some importance to it.
Or else it wouldn't have mattered to me
as much as it did. 

All brooding does is just get the rut deeper and deeper
until it gets pretty hard to get out of it. 
I know because it took me years to get out of it.
Due to daily brooding.