Solitary

Despite the times I felt alone, in the past. 
I realized that there are certain things I need to be alone to do.

When I've been around people, 
they've tried to shape me and mold me
into what they wanted me to be. 
And that doesn't make me feel comfortable.

Also, they assume they can "teach" me like a guru. 
There are some things, sure, 
but to assume I don't know anything
and have to be taught everything...
And then instead of setting the record straight, 
on what I do know...

I just keep it all to myself. 
OR I write some of it here.

It's pretty frustrating, 
having assumptions made about my intellect.

Just because I keep 99% of things to myself, 
doesn't mean there's nothing to me.

I learned that most people won't listen.
I learned that 'forcing' people to listen doesn't work. 
Because they have to choose to listen.

But, yes, it's aggrevating when people don't want to listen, 
and not only that they don't want to listen, 
they have their perception...

Like I'm supposedly not worth listening to
because "where's your success story?"

I could say a bunch of things, 
I could make lots of points,
but it's like I'm speaking another language or something. 
Because, to me, what I'm saying is pretty straightforward.

I think part of it is that if it came from someone else, 
they would listen. Just not to me.
Because I have yet to make a "name" for myself. 

The thing is that if I have to be a certain "way"
to make a "name" for myself, is there a point?

To be "well known"?
When the people who have been in my life
don't even know me at all?
They think they do, they might know some things about me, 
but they don't really know me.

I know this. Because if they did,
they wouldn't treat me like nothing I say is worthwhile.
"So why listen to A***?"

Maybe if they knew me, they'd recognize things about me. 
And after recognizing some things about me, 
they'd realize some things about me.
And maybe after realizing some things about me, 
they'd understand some things about me.

But it's not a thing I can "make" someone do.

All of it makes me want to just be alone. 
It's easier and better than being around people who don't even know me. 
Who think they do, but only assume things about me.

Who wants to be looked at as the sum of everyone's opinions?

One thing that has been driving me nuts
is being judged based on assumptions. 

Like people assuming things about me
and then judging me based on their assumptions.
It happens way too much. 
To the point of "why bother?"

The judgementally got so bad
and I couldn't understand why people have treated me like that.
Then the constant brooding over how I have been treated
thinking I actually didn't deserve that...

When other people wouldn't have been treated like that
and if I had been almost anyone else,
things would have been fair for me, also.

But what I've been saying about the assumptions, 
it created a lot of prejudice. 

Funny how the people who supposedly know me
tend to judge me the most.

FOR NOT BEING 'LIKE THEM.'
But I don't want to be 'like them.'
Because being 'like them' comes with BS expectations.

One of those expectations being that I'll react
the exact way other people would.
When I have had a "normal response"
to something super heavy, I'm being told that I'm being fake. 

So when it's not recognized that I'm expressing my emotions, 
then I just internalize.

It's like a two-edged sword.
With a lot of things.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't. 

So wouldn't you want to just be alone, then?
Instead of being judged for everything by everyone?

But why try to make a "name" for myself?
To have a "success story"?

In this city, it's a lot to do with who you know. 
It's not as much about who you are.

Like how Justin Trudeau has family ties. 
That has a lot to do with how he became Prime Minister.

Anyone else who has family ties
probably has just as good of a chance. 

Leadership skills matter, especially in that regard. 
If you can't lead yourself, how are you supposed to lead a country?

Like taking accountability. 
For how Canada could be better
and how things got the way they are today. 

The carbon tax was a way of giving himself a raise.
Because he did, after he increased the tax.

The campaign promises from 9 years ago...
Hasn't happened.

Pretty much all the Liberals have been doing
is giving special interest groups tons of leeway, 
even when it comes to preferntial treatments...

And they legalized marijuana, for profit on it...
Something they can tax. Just like everything else.

I wonder how much money just off taxing marijuana per year.

Not sure why,but for some people, duringthe pandemic, 
it was hard to isolate.
As though they couldn't bearto sit with their own thoughts.

People who can't bring themselves to just be by themselves and just think...
But I have been there. Wanting distractions from
things that I'd rather not think about. 

Except those distractions distract us from actually considering things.
We can do all kinds of easy things.
But honestly looking at ourselves is something 
that is really hard for people.

I get it. I didn't want to look at myself.
Especially when I used  to drink.

I didn't want to look at anything I was doing
that I shouldn't have done.
It hits me at night and when I'm waking up.

"Everyone makes mistakes."
But mistakes are choices.

A lot of choices I made, I didn't have to choose what I chose.
But I did. I chose what I chose.
Wish I hadn't, now, but the fact remains that I did.

So now, I have to live with that fact.
Becoming a better person is great.
The fact remains that I was the kind of person that I was.

Just that I have to live with a bunch of facts.