Definitely Cringe

Looking through my stats I am seeing
That some of my old stuff is being read.
The really old stuff...
Been writing on this blog for 20 years this year.
It's nice to see how far I've come, 
but it's cringe, too.

The saving grace is that it's mostly anonymous.
Not everyone who reads it knows who I am. 

Most people I know and have known for years
don't know about this blog, or the other one.

Maybe it'll all come out after my death.
I sometimes think about that.

But what bothers me is knowing that the people
who were supposed to be the closest to me
trying to act like they're going to miss me
when they don't miss me enough
while I am alive, to call me.

To ask me how I'm doing, even. 

That's how my Grandmother felt. 
She'd cry to me about it.
I know how she felt.

I brought it up in a study group I was in,
how my family who could have been there, for her, weren't. 

A lady told me this: "Maybe they don't have the capacity."
A capacity. I hadn't thought about that until she said it.
What determines capacity? 
When we know this, we can determine how to expand it.

When I first quit drinking, I was into a big learning kick.
Which I deviated from because I was too focused on other things.
I'd tried dating, again.

But when I was on that learning kick, I felt pretty good.
It helped me get through the first 3 months which are the hardest.

Well what I meant by expanding it
was the time I went to a mini class thing...
It was at an office and it was a way of getting clients, 
but it was useful information. 

A lady was talking about how comfort zones can expand.
As we get comfortable with things that aren't comfortable, 
the comfort zone doesn't shrink back to where it used to be.

When I go back and read stuff I wrote while I was depressed...
I wasn't comfortable just being myself. 
Still really not, but I at least I appreciate things a lot more than I did.

I had been depressed for so long that I had lost touch with my feelings.
I mentioned that I internalize emotions and I got so good at doing it
that I was numb to a lot of things.

When I went to AA, someone said this:
We can't selectively numb our feelings. 
I was trying to numb waves of pain.
Instead of trying to retrain myself, I was focused on that
and I used the fact I felt the way I felt
to justify my drinking. 

But it's true. We can't just numb the pain, 
because when we do it, we make ourselves numb to everything else.

The freedom from it, is actually underneath it.
Was I buried in it, or did I bury myself in it?

If I buried myself in it, could I dig my way out?
Yeah, it can get exhausting.
Unpacking so much stuff and reflecting on it.

When we reflect, it makes realizing more likely.
That's what the questions were for. 
Sometimes I ask questions here, 
trying to make a point without having to make it
because when we ask ourselves, we make the point to ourselves. 

That is what I call a realization. 
When we get to the point. 
The point itself and the point of the point.

But it takes SEEING it
which requires LOOKING at it.

When we get the question, 
you have to look at it to be able to answer it, 
but as the lady suggested, maybe some people
just don't have the capacity to look at something.

Which brings me back to what determines capacity. 
What does it take to increase a person's capacity
to be able to look at something?

What if they have the capacity, but just don't want to?

Because, yeah, a lot of things are uncomfortable.
Especially ADMITTING - EVEN TO OURSELVES
Things we don't want to see about ourselves, 
BUT IF WE REFUSE TO SEE THOSE THINGS...
HOW ARE WE TO REFLECT ON THOSE THINGS?

Those things are still there whether we want to look at them or not.
Honestly, I refused to look at things for so long
that I just didn't. Until...
It came up randomly, years, decades later.

Where I have been having to admit those things. 
No matter how hard it is to admit, even to myself. 

Under my own judgment, but for a reason.
All the moments where I've had to call myself out. 
Whether I wanted to, or not.

It used to p*ss me off and I'd get defensive.
But if there are things I need to be looking at...
Then there are things I need to be looking at.
That goes for everyone.

What I learned was that when I got defensive
I was defending myself but my stance, too.

Trying to prove a point to someone who is refusing to look at
let alone listen to anything you say...
How likely are they to get the point?

That's what it's been like, for me.
Someone said "Why should I listen to you? Where's your success story?"
Like if I had a "success story" I'd be "worth" listening to?
That's how some people think. 
If I had a "success story" I'd be "worth" listening to.
Does that say anything about my worth?
Or does it say something about their perception of my worth?

Is it up to me to change anyone's perception of my worth?
Or their perception of anything about me?
When they tend to look at everyone that way?
Not just me?

Does it bother me to be underestimated or "made" to look a type of way?
Even when I don't give them the reaction they want?

When I don't just let them try to justify their crap?
I mean, if people didn't try to justify their crap
then I wouldn't have to not let them.

I get the part about not wanting to feel shame.
Feeling ashamed is a pretty heavy feeling. 
But usually, it's enough for a person to want to change.

When I was younger, I kept asking my Grandmother
if she was mad at me, but she'd just say she was disappointed.
Disappointing her was worse than her being mad at me.
It did instill shame, at times,
but so do the random things that come up
that I've been trying to forget for years.

Is knowing that you're a different person currently/presently
good enough vs how you feel about the person you were?
Does it make a difference? If so, how big of a difference does it make?

And not everyone will see the difference.
Because they've already constructed their perception. 

And is that for me to do anything about?
Is it up to me to reconstruct their perception?
And even if it is, will they listen?

When someone believes so much in their perception, 
what would it take for them to change it?

"A man convinced against his will, 
is a man of the same opinion, still."

I believed in my perceptions.
I couldn't be easily convinced. 

To change your perception, you have to consider
that there are different perceptions.
AND JUST BECAUSE WE THINK SOME THINGS
DOESN'T MAKE THEM TRUE.

Doesn't our perception affect many things?
What we look at, how we look at it...
Among other things...
One of those things is how we think about it.
Which affects other things...

Many other things.