Anyway....

I tried. Got burned. Was disappointed. I had to move on. 
I didn't have a choice. Nothing was changing.
It would have been more emotional abuse I didn't deserve.

I'M ALLOWED NOT TO WANT TO GO BACK TO THAT.
HE SHOWED ME WHY.

WHATEVER HE'S DEALING WITH, HE CAN DEAL WITH THAT.

OBVIOUSLY.... STILL SMALL-MINDED, AND I CAN'T FIX THAT.
WELL.... EGOISM DOES THAT SH*T...

BECAUSE WHEN SOMEONE IS SO EGO-DRIVEN....
THEY WON'T THINK ABOUT ANYTHING.
THEY ARE "AUTOMATICALLY RIGHT"
AND THEY PROJECT SH*T.
AND IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT THEM AND WHAT THEY WANT.

LIKE HE WAS THE ONE WHO WANTED TO "RECONNECT"
FOR A REASON. IT WASN'T FOR NO REASON.
AND IT WASN'T BECAUSE HE WAS READY
TO TREAT ME THE WAY I DESERVE TO BE TREATED. 

ALL HE HAD TO DO.... WAS TREAT ME....
LIKE HE CARED. THAT'S IT.

HE DIDN'T!

IF HE DID.... WHAT PROBLEMS OR ISSUES WOULD WE HAVE?

ANY?

PROBABLY COULD HAVE HAD SOMETHING HEALTHY
AND WORTHWHILE... 

AT LEAST THAT IS WHAT I THOUGHT....

BUT HE WASN'T READY FOR THAT, OBVIOUSLY....
AND STILL ISN'T.

SO WHY WOULD HE WASTE MY TIME, AGAIN?
I DON'T FKN KNOW.


HOW COULD HE NOT THINK:
"SHE'S PROBABLY P*SSED AT ME FOR TREATING HER LIKE SH*T!"
WELL FK YEAH!

I WAS BACK THEN, TOO.

BUT BEING P*SSED OFF.... IS SUPPOSEDLY TOXIC!

I'M TOXIC FOR BEING UPSET
FOR BEING TREATED LIKE SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT'S WHY I'M TOXIC!

AND FOR TELLING THE TRUTH ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He thought I was STUPID. 
THAT I WOULDN'T SEE THAT SH*T.

WELL OBVIOUSLY.... HOW CAN I THINK ANYTHING WOULD CHANGE?
HAD THEY?

OR WAS IT STILL THE SAME SH*T? AGAIN?

MORE SH*T I DIDN'T NEED OR WANT?

I ONLY SAW WHAT HE SHOWED ME.
THAT'S IT.

IF HE DIDN'T WANT ME TO SEE THAT SH*T....
HE SHOULDN'T HAVE SHOWN ME THAT SH*T.
RIGHT?

I SHOWED HIM MY SELF-WORTH AND SELF-RESPECT....
AND GOT DISCARDED AGAIN FOR IT.

AND I'M OKAY WITH THAT.
I LIVED THROUGH IT THE FIRST TIME.

BUT WHY WOULD I WANT MORE OF THAT SH*T?

LIKE INVITING MIRROR SMASHER BACK IN
TO SMASH MY WINDOWS!

OR INVITING HEAD PUNCHER
TO PUNCH ME DIRECTLY ON THE TEMPLE!
(IT WAS WITHIN AN INCH OF MY TEMPLE).

BUT TO ANYONE
WHO HAS NEVER BEEN HELD ACCOUNTABLE
FOR FKN ANYTHING.....
IN THEIR LIFE.....
ACCOUNTABILITY AND TRUTH IS "TOXIC."

THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT "TOXIC" REALLY IS!

IF I WAS "TOXIC" I WOULD HAVE THROWN A BRICK
OR A ROCK THROUGH HIS DAD'S STORE WINDOW!
OR SOMETHING "TOXIC."

NOT THAT HIS DAD DID ANYTHING TO ME....

BUT WOULD I CARE IF HIS DAD DID ANYTHING TO ME?
IF I WAS REALLY THAT TOXIC?

OR WOULD THE ONLY THINGS GOING THROUGH MY HEAD....
WOULD BE TOXIC THINGS...?

Instead? I MOVED ON WITH MY LIFE! PRETTY HEALTHY!

IF I WAS TOXIC.... I WOULDN'T HAVE JUST LET HIM WALK AWAY!
I WOULD HAVE DONE TOXIC THINGS TO HIM....
WAY BEFORE HE "BLOCKED" ME.

IT WAS A DISCARD. NOT SIMPLY BLOCKING ME.
IT WASN'T A PAUSE. IT WAS ENDING IT. HE KNEW THAT.

AND BEING OKAY WITH IT MADE HIM MAD.

I'M TOXIC FOR ACCEPTING IT! 
I'D BE TOXIC FOR NOT ACCEPTING IT!

I ACCEPTED IT A LONG TIME AGO!

I'm just releasing whatever buildup was still hanging there.

HIM REMOVING HIMSELF WAS FOR MY PROTECTION.
IT WAS FOR THE BEST.

BECAUSE: I DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT.
NOT THAT I WANTED TO, OR EXPECTED TO....
BUT NOW... I JUST DON'T HAVE TO.

That's Why I Didn't Trust Him

Obviously.... I didn't trust him....
NOT TO REPEAT HIS BS.
HE DID.

SO IT SHOWED ME WHY MY CHOICE
ABOUT NOT RECONNECTING
WAS THE RIGHT CHOICE.

BECAUSE HAD I DONE THAT.....
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE EXACT SAME SH*T...
BECAUSE HE STILL WOULD NOT....
JUST FKN TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY.

JUST THAT.

DID I ASK FOR ANYTHING UNREASONABLE?
OR WAS THAT VERY REASONABLE?

SHOULD I HAVE NEEDED TO ASK FOR THAT?

DID I ASK? OR DID I CALL HIM OUT FOR HIS SH*T?

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN TOXIC....
TO ALLOW MYSELF TO ACCEPT MORE OF THAT BS....
OVER THE DISTANCE HE ALREADY CREATED.

HE ALREADY DID THAT.

HE CAN'T TRY TO ACT LIKE HE DIDN'T
AND DIDN'T CHOOSE THAT. HE DID,

And discarding me TWICE....
IS DISCARDING ME TWICE.

FOR WHATEVER BS.... OKAY?

WHY WOULD I WANT TO REPAIR IT?
WAS I THE ONE WHO DESTROYED IT? NO?
SO WHY TRY TO REPAIR IT?

LET SOMEONE SHOW HIM WHAT TOXIC REALLY IS.
BY THE TIME HE REALIZES IT....

I'LL BE LONG GONE!

LOOK AT HOW EVERYONE'S
WHO'S BEEN JEALOUS OF ME....
ACTED ABOUT ME... 

TO NOT GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO ME
TO ACTUALLY KNOW ME... 

SO THAT CERTAIN PEOPLE WOULD THINK WHATEVER
ABOUT ME.

BUT TO INSULT ME? SOME MORE?
MAKES ME REALLY WANT TO CONNECT!
TO DISCARD ME AGAIN?
MAKES ME REALLY WANT TO CONNECT!

"FORGOT" HOW HE TREATED ME....
WOW. 

WANTED ME TO FORGET, TOO. 

BUT.... HE DIDN'T "SHOW UP."
DID I WANT HIM TO "SHOW OUT"? NO.

HE CREATED THE DISTANCE. I ACCEPTED IT.
WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?

CHASE HIM? BEG HIM? FK NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FK THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FK HIM FOR THINKING THAT I FKN WOULD.

IF I FELT LIKE CHASING, I'D CHASE IRON HEART.
BUT DID I DO THAT?

OR DID I LET HIM GO, TOO?! I LET HIM GO, TOO!
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HE WANTED!

AND YOU GET MAD AT ME?
FOR GIVING YOU THE DISTANCE YOU WANTED?

WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT????!!!! SERIOUSLY????
I GIVE YOU THE DISTANCE YOU WANTED.....
AND YOU COULDN'T JUST LET ME MOVE ON?

WAS I ASKING A LOT? FOR NOT WANTING A REPEAT?

AND I TRIED TO BE FKN NICE ABOUT IT!

TOLD HIM I WANTED TO LEAVE THE PAST IN THE PAST, THIS TIME...
BECAUSE XYZ, WISHED HIM WELL....

SHOULD HAVE LEFT IT AT THAT.

WHY DID I THINK HE'D TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY?
FINALLY! AFTER 12 FKN YEARS!!!! WHY DID I THINK HE WOULD?
FKN INCAPABLE OF DOING THAT!
OR HE WOULD HAVE JUST FKN DONE IT!

BUT WANTS TO REFUSE TO CHANGE!
SO WHY??????

DOES THAT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME?

SOMEONE REFUSING TO GROW UP.....
DOESN'T MAKE ME TOXIC OR ANYTHING.

REFUSING TO GROW UP IS LOWKEY TOXIC. 
REFUSING TO ACKNOWLEDGE THINGS
THAT SHOULD BE ACKNOWLEDGED....
IS TOXIC. 

NOT BEING SOLID.... OR HONEST....
IS TOXIC.

BEING HONEST IS HEALTHY.
MOVING ON IS HEALTHY.
HAVING PURE INTENTIONS IS HEALTHY.

NOT BEING IMPULSIVE AF IS HEALTHY.

BEING A PROJECTING PLAYER IS TOXIC.

THAT SH*T DOESN'T BELONG ON ME.
THAT'S WHY IT'S INSULTING....

AND YOU CAN TAKE YOUR INSULTS.
AND SHOVE THEM.

INSULTING SOMEONE....
ISN'T THE "BEST WAY" TO TRY TO "REUNITE" WITH THEM.

AND I DON'T FKN TRUST HIM.

I DON'T.

WOULD YOU AUTOMATICALLY TRUST SOMEONE?
WHO DISCARDED YOU?
AND INSULTS YOU?

WOULD YOU TRUST THAT?

AND WHEN HE DIDN'T GET WHATEVER HE WAS "HOPING" FOR....
HOW DID HE ACT?

LIKE HE CARED?

OR JUST INSULT ME AGAIN AND RUN AWAY AGAIN?

I WAS SUPPOSED TO TRUST THAT? C'MON!
WHY WOULD I TRUST THAT?

WOULD YOU? HONESTLY?

How Big?

He got mad because I WOULDN'T CHASE HIM.
I DIDN'T. 

BUT... HIS EGO GOT SO BIG....
HE THOUGHT I WOULD!

THOUGHT I'D JUMP AT THE CHANCE TO "RECONNECT"!

AFTER HE DISCARDED ME.

HE THOUGHT I WOULD BE AN OPTION.
SITTING HERE WAITING FOR 12 YEARS?

BECAUSE HIS OPTIONS DRIED UP!

I'm not "wrong" about the facts!

HE GOT MAD BECAUSE I WOULDN'T JUMP AT THE CHANCE!
BECAUSE I REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS LIKE!

HE WAS HOPING I FORGOT! I DIDN'T!

And when I was talking about ACCOUNTABILITY....
AND HOW HE SHOULDN'T HAVE TREATED ME LIKE THAT....
AND CHOSE TO DO IT....

WHAT DID HE DO? RAN AWAY!!!!!! NOT SURPRISED!!!!!

BECAUSE HE WASN'T GETTING ANYTHING FROM ME!
HE WASN'T GETTING "RECONNECTION"
OR WHATEVER IT WAS HE WANTED!

HE WAS GETTING MY TRUST BACK!
I DIDN'T SEE HIM THE SAME!

AND YES, HE WAS BEING ARROGANT!

TURN OFF!

SO RUN AWAY FROM ACCOUNTABILITY AGAIN....
BUT KEEP RUNNING THIS TIME. OKAY?

AWAY FROM ME.

EXCUSES AND BS ARE NOT MY THING.

BUT... ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT A DUDE....
IS HOW THEY ACT WHEN THEY DON'T GET WHAT THEY WANT!

HOW DID I ACT?
DID I CALL HIM TOXIC?
EVEN THOUGH HE WAS BEING TOXIC?

OR... DID I CALL HIM OUT ON HIS BS?
AND.... HE DIDN'T LIKE IT!

WELL.... I DIDN'T LIKE THE BS!

AND HE WOULDN'T LIKE IT COMING FROM ME!
THAT IS THE TRUTH!

HE WOULDN'T!

HE KNOWS HE WOULDN'T! 

IF EVERY "RETORT" WAS "YOU'RE TOXIC!"
AND "BLOCK!" DISCARD.
YES. THAT IS GHOSTING AND DISCARDING.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT IS.

SO I MOVED ON, WAS DOING FINE....

HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO "COME CORRECT"
SO HE SHOULD JUST FK OFF. 

WHAT DID HE DO IMMEDIATELY AFTER BEING CALLED OUT
FOR DISCARDING ME?

DID IT AGAIN!

WITH THE SAME BS "EXCUSE"! 
"I'LL TRY TO TRIGGER HER AGAIN ON THE WAY OUT."

DO I NEED AN EXCUSE? ANY EXCUSES?
OR DID I NEED ACCOUNTABILITY?

HMMM? 

HE COULD JUST.... SEE HIMSELF OUT.
WITHOUT ANY EXCUSE. RIGHT?

JUST THAT?

DIDN'T DESERVE IT THE FIRST TIME.
STILL DON'T.

NOT FOR TELLING THE TRUTH.
NOT FOR NOT WANTING "RECONNECTION"
WITH SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T REGRET ANYTHING...
HADN'T CHANGED... SAME SH*T...
NOT TRUSTING THEM TO FKN JUST BE DECENT.
LIKE I THOUGHT THEY'D BE...
NOT SEEING THEM THE WAY I USED TO...

WHY WOULD I AFTER THAT?

BLOCKING SOMEONE FOR 12 FKN YEARS...
AND TRYING TO COME BACK LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED...
IS TOXIC AF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DISCARDED ME! GHOSTED ME!
WANTED ME TO COME BACK FROM THE DEAD!

AND WHEN I DIDN'T WANT TO?
BECAUSE OF HOW I WAS BEING TREATED?

LOOK HOW HE TREATED ME AGAIN!

WHAT DOES THAT SAY???!!!

BECAUSE I CHANGED?
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO RECONNECT 12 YEARS 
AFTER BEING INSULTED AND DISCARDED?

GEE, WHY NOT?
BECAUSE IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN?

WOULDN'T MEET ME HALFWAY?

WELL... OKAY. I CAN HAVE MORE THAN THAT.
BECAUSE I DESERVE MORE THAN THAT.
AND I CAN HAVE IT.

HE WAS MAD BECAUSE I DIDN'T CHASE HIM.

OR ACT OUT LIKE HE WAS EXPECTING ME TO...
LIKE A "CRAZY TOXIC" PERSON OR WHATEVER ELSE.

I DIDN'T PROVE HIS "IDEA" ABOUT ME.
HE CAN HAVE EVERYTHING "GREENER AND BETTER."

HE CREATED THE DISTANCE; I ACCEPTED IT.
HE GOT MAD.

OH WELL.

WHAT DID HE WANT?

A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL? 
AN EGO BOOST?

OR DOESN'T WANT TO SEE ME WITH SOMEONE ELSE?
SOMEONE WHO KNOWS I'M NOT ACTUALLY TOXIC?
FOR REQUIRING FAIRNESS?

He can have what he chose and when I told him...
THAT HE CHOSE 12 YEARS AGO....
I BECAME TOXIC ALL OVER AGAIN....
RIGHT?

FOR TELLING THE TRUTH?

WHAT DID HE WANT? A LIE?

How Does That Look?

Anyway, I feel a bit "better" for getting that out.
I probably needed to get it out for a while.

It's not that I "needed" things to work out with him....
Yes, I wanted things to...
Yes, I thought they could...

But.... Tried that sh*t on me....
DIDN'T MAKE ME JEALOUS!
DIDN'T MAKE ME INSECURE!
DIDN'T MAKE ME RELAPSE!
DIDN'T MAKE ME BELIEVE I WAS THE PROBLEM.

I KNEW THE PROBLEM:
1) THE BS GAMES.
2) GASLIGHTING ME.
3) NOT TAKING ME SERIOUSLY.
4) NOT LISTENING.

Not worth it to me. Just that. Just not.

Would he want me to play games with him? No?
Would he want me to try to gaslight him? No?
Would he want me to take him seriously? Yeah?
Would he want me to listen to him? Yeah?

THEN TREAT ME THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE TREATED.
YOU WANT ME TO BE FAIR TO YOU? YEAH?
THEN BE FAIR TO ME.

Just that.
Fair? Fair!

Not a lot to ask, right? 
I didn't think so.

That's all I wanted! DECENCY......
AND FAIRNESS.

WHICH IS WHAT I THOUGHT I'D GET WITH HIM.
I DIDN'T. AND I AM OKAY WITH THAT.

BECAUSE ONE DAY....
I CAN MEET SOMEONE....
WHO IS DECENT AND FAIR!

IMAGINE THAT!

I DON'T IMAGINE IT OR EVEN THINK ABOUT IT ANYMORE....
BECAUSE I'M NOT GIVING TOO MUCH OF A FK ABOUT IT....
ANYMORE.

NOT THAT I HAVE NO HOPE LEFT....
BUT I DON'T HAVE TO FKN HOPE FOR THAT ANYMORE.

I DON'T HAVE TO HOPE FOR CERTAIN PEOPLE
TO REALIZE ANYTHING ABOUT ME....
TO SEE ANYTHING...
TO UNDERSTAND ANYTHING... 

I USED TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND IT CAUSED ME TO STAY!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHEN I NEVER NEEDED TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE I COULD HAVE BEEN DONE WITH THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I FKN WAS!!!!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE HE FKN DISCARDED ME!!!!!!!!!!!
SO I WAS DONE AND AM DONE BECAUSE IT WASN'T GOING....
TO FKN CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WASN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT WAS GOING TO BE MORE BS! PROJECTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!
EXCUSES!!!!!!!!!!!
LIES!!!!!!!!!

NOTHING MUCH ELSE! SO WHY?

Like was I supposed to GET MY HOPES UP AGAIN?
FOR THE SAME THINGS TO CHANGE?
THAT WEREN'T?

I don't know for sure if it would have changed....
I don't know that....

BUT I KNOW THAT HE DISCARDED ME ALREADY!

I will get off this topic... If you know me by now...
YOU KNOW THAT CERTAIN THINGS FKN BOTHER ME...
FOR A WHILE.

Like MIRROR SMASHER'S BS....
I WAS ON HIM AS A TOPIC FOR A WHILE....
LIKE EVERY DAY FOR LIKE A YEAR!

LAMENTING AND SH*T... 

I eventually got it all out of my system and moved on. 
Now, I might mention him when making a point about BS...

But I don't write entire posts about him anymore.
Or how I feel about any of that anymore.
I already got that out. 

If I were still stuck there, that would be concerning. 
But, I'm not stuck there on that. 

I do have better things to think about and write about. 

Is it enough for him to know that he betrayed me over lies?
Yeah. That's enough for me.

Never wanted much anyway.
Should it matter what I wanted? Ever? Should it?

DOESN'T FKN SEEM TO! EVER!
NOT EVEN WHEN I WANTED VERY FKN LITTLE!!!!

It's been okay for the last 12 years. I've been okay.
I prefer my solitude to dishonesty and bs.

GEE, WHY DO I KEEP TO MYSELF SO MUCH?
IT'S PEACEFUL WITHOUT BS!
THAT'S WHY!

THAT'S WHY I HAVE BEEN SINGLE FOR OVER A DECADE!
NOT BECAUSE I COULDN'T GET A GUY....

MOST GUYS SLEEP ON MY POTENTIAL
AND BELIEVE BS ABOUT ME....
SO.... NOT MUCH POINT LOOKING FOR ONE.

WANTED TO TRY TO MAKE ME LOOK
LIKE I WASN'T WORTH SH*T... RIGHT?

BUT: "LET'S TALK" 12 YEARS LATER... 

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK AND FEEL ABOUT THAT?
HOW WOULD YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?

WHAT WOULD YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?

HOW DOES THAT LOOK?