Happy Thoughts

I think it is time for me to think about quitting smoking. This morning I had a smoke and I was sick with the dry heaves. I hate being sick. I hate the dry heaves because you know something wants to come out, but there's nothing but spit. Cigarettes are starting to get to me. If it weren't for the nicotine, I probably wouldn't smoke. I turn into MEGAB*TCH when I am jonesing for a smoke. It's pretty bad and I know that the first 3 days are the hardest to go without a smoke. But the first week without smoking, you notice a difference. It's going to be hard, but my son keeps telling me how bad I am for smoking and he wants me to quit.

The thing with quitting is that I'm probably going to eat more. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but if I eat a lot more, I'll probably put on some weight.

One thing that I have been thinking about is getting in shape. I thought about this for a while. I thought about training to pass the P.R.E.P test, but even if I pass that, there are other tests that I know I won't be able to pass like the 60/60 test. There are 60 questions and you have an hour to take the test. Last time I tried to take it, I couldn't even get half way through. The math questions are hard. I've always hated math. It makes me feel really stupid. Especially algebra. I f*cking hate algebra. It doesn't make any F*CKING sense to me to use letters to represent numbers. Numbers are numbers, letters are letters. How does x = 1? Or whatever? It's dumb.

After last night, I've decided that I have to teach myself many things. One of those things being self-control. I can't just allow myself to give into myself. I mean just because I want to do something doesn't mean I should do it. I'm incredibly impulsive, which is not healthy. It's sabotaging me and it's about time I saw it for what it is. An inability to control my own actions which causes me to make mistakes. I don't want to live my life constantly regretting the things that I do. It doesn't feel good at all.

So I think I've got quite a bit to work on, now. Well, I've always had. But this time I really have to start, at least start somewhere. The thing is that it's so easy to start doing something, but to keep going without giving up as easily as I do.... That's the hard part. I think that all this would be so much easier if I could just program myself to only think 'happy thoughts'. All these thoughts that I've been having have really dampened my mood. I felt really bad last night. Really, really bad. I feel OK today, but who's to say that these dark thoughts of mine won't come back? I hate sinking into it. It feels like I'm sinking. I hate that feeling. I hate allowing myself to feel that way the most.