Remembering

I have thought about moving. Ever since the idea about getting a house came up. I don't know why it has been a difficult choice for me. I've been living here for a long time now and I feel comfortable here. It is the security of knowing that I can actually afford this place. This is why I stay here and knowing that if I move, I lose that security of affordability. Some may say that it is a stupid reason, but I say that it is practical. It is the only real form of somewhat self-sufficiency I have, but it is really dependability. Every aspect of my life seems to be unstable at the moment, but I've been through worse. I'm not really panicking yet. It is hard not to worry when I worry too much. All I have to do is believe that I'm going to make it through and I will. I always have, although I have been lucky.

I've been told that I have a guardian angel watching over me. Sometimes I believe it, sometimes I don't know what to believe. Sometimes I think that it would explain some things, but it would discount other things. What am I supposed to believe? I don't know.

But I can't see myself moving out of Ottawa anytime soon. For the time being, I am here. Looking for a job that I like. I hope to be self-employed one of these days. I can be motivated especially by profits. Not to sound greedy, but if you have a job that you love to do, it wouldn't actually be a job because it wouldn't be 'work'. Y'know?

I'd like to be a psychologist, but perhaps I should not travel down that route since I probably need a psychologist. I think that I'm borderline, right on the edge. Have you ever sworn you heard someone say something to you and you turn around and there's nobody there? It used to happen to me. It hasn't happened in a long time. I swear I have seen a ghost once.

I had a dream about my Grandfather a few nights ago. I saw him walking upstairs to their room in the old house. I dream about the old house very often. It was briefly. He was wearing his nightgown as he often did. He spent a lot of time in bed up around the end. I'd go and sit in bed with him and watch t.v with him. He didn't remember me at the end. He didn't know who I was.

Anyway, I think he was trying to say something to me in my dream. I told him that I wanted to tell my Grandmother that I saw him and he told me that it would only upset her. The minister of her Church found my Grandfather's war medals in his desk drawer on Friday and gave them to my Grandmother on Sunday, which just happened to be Remembrance Day. My Grandparents met in the army so I think it had a significance. I think it was his way of saying that he's still around with us. My Grandmother always thought that the war medals were buried with my Grandfather.

I'll never forget that Christmas when I got a Christmas tree for my Grandmother. I walked all he way to Billings Bridge and bought a tree from the gas station on the corner. I dragged it all the way back to the house. I hid it in the garage. I waited until my Grandmother went out and I got my brother to come over to help me set it up and decorate it. Everything was set up, but the lights were not working and no matter what I did, I just couldn't figure out why the lights wouldn't go on. When we came down stairs Christmas morning, the lights were on and working fine. I always thought it was my Grandfather telling me that he was there with us.

It just amazes me that we finally found his war medals. He died in '98 and almost 9 years later we get them back. It solves the mystery about what happened to them after all these years. I'm glad my Grandmother has them. I still believe it was like a little message from him. I find it strange that I had a dream about him and the medals were suddenly found after 9 years. I find that very strange. A bit scary. I don't remember the entire dream, but I think it is possible that I could have mentioned the medals to him in a dream. My Grandmother had been looking for them for quite some time and I knew she was looking for them. I think that would be creepy. It would be scary to be able to talk to dead relatives in dreams. Could it have happened?

The mind is capable of so many things. So many things that we cannot even consider the infinite possibilities the brain possesses. Average people use surprisingly a small percentage of their brain. Imagine what powers the human brain holds!