Practiacality is not part of MY Functionality!

Ok, I've been awake for over 24 hours now so if you can make any sense out of any of this then you should be an interpreter. Seriously!

For some reason, I decided that I wasn't going to take the bus home from work today and I thought: "It can't be THAT far from Kanata to Bayshore, so I took Carling Avenue all the way down (for 10.5 km) and I was talking to myself all the way home. People were staring, but it kept me focussed. I often talk to myself because I seem to listen!

So on the way home, I was having messed up thoughts (coming from a messed up mind).
I had to take a leak really bad so I thought about leaking on the train tracks, but I didn't. I guess that wouldn't be nice.

I was thinking about what my friend used to tell me: "Tired as hell wrapped in a bag, but still as quick as a whip." To which I replied: "Even whips crack." Sometimes I think I'm going off the deep end. Really going over the edge. If I lost my mind for real, I don't think I'd notice. I think I lost it today on the side of the road. The sun was getting to me and I was sweating silver bullets. So I thought that I should pick some lilacs to rub on my arm pits to cut down on the sweating, but I didn't. I just couldn't stop, or else I wouldn't want to keep going. Once I start something, I want to finish it.

That's why when I think I'm getting somewhere with a guy, I try to keep it going because for some reason when they end it, it doesn't feel like a real ending. It doesn't feel justified. I don't feel justified. I feel sorry for them because they don't realize that it could've been real, it could have been good. At least I think I'm good enough now. Before... I used to think that there was something wrong with me. Well, maybe there is, but it can't be HALF as bad as whatever is wrong with THEM! That's the way I have to think.

And now I have given up on dating. I'll try not to think about it for a year. That is my goal. Take a break for a year and see what I can do with myself. I have a lot of work to do and I don't need any distractions. Besides, with my luck, something bad would happen and I shouldn't put myself through that. There is absolutely no point. Maybe everything I was looking for in a guy was all part of one big fantasy, like I was living with my head in the clouds for the last couple of years. Well maybe I've always had my head in the clouds and my heart on my sleeve. I can't take those chances now. I'm probably not even ready for the man of my dreams to find me.

Why should he find me now? When I look like death warmed over twice. Like a dead wh*re on a tuesday when she died on a friday night. Yes I have such confidence, such a positive outlook... More like sudden sarcasm. Why can't I be sarcastic. Self deppreciating humour. Laugh at me! Everyone else does. Why let it bother me? My hair is short, I look like a dude. I feel like a rat in a garbage can... Life is f*cking beautiful.

Yeah... beautiful... What a stupid word that is! You know what's even more stupid? I let myself believe a guy who told me I was beautiful. I let myself believe it because I am stupid. Seriously. Some line that was... That's why I shaved my head.

He told me I was beautiful. Can you believe he pulled that sh*t? He told me I was a nice girl and all that other junk that was obvoiusly not true because he would have stuck around. He won't call me and yet I still think of him. My best friend told me that the guy doesn't think of me. He probably has a new girl by now. And that goes to demonstrate the rabbit theory: From one hole to another. Just like that....

And I know I shouldn't think of him. He's a waste of a thought. Let him lie to some other stupid girl. He had the balls to call me and try to get with me 2 months after we first got together. 2 months of waiting for him to call and he called because he couldn't get his d*ck wet if he f*cked a watermelon. I've seen it done. That's another story though.

I know I should just let it go and piss on the memory because it means nothing anymore. I never meant a thing to him. And I know he was just saying that bullshit. I told him the truth about why I shaved my head. I was angry at him for using me and I felt like trash. I felt like trash and I thought I may as well look like trash. Maybe I should wait until my hair grows back to start dating. Maybe I'd have better luck. I just thought, HOPED, that if a guy really HONESTLY liked me for me, then my hair wouldn't make a difference. The last guy told me that it didn't matter what I looked like, but then I became #31. Yeah, sad is right. So no more of that. Until I am WITH a guy who won't head for the hills after he gets his thrills. I don't want to be just another number. I just want to be.... Well you'd better forget the rest of that sentence because I almost slid. That was almost a landslide. Sliding backwards to you get to where you started from. I know what I want, but none of that matters now. It's going to be different because I don't give a f*ck. I don't give a f*ck about dating because I only hurt myself. I hurt myself by buying the same act that every guy I get a date with pulls. They all seem to pull the same sh*t with me. Maybe it's the kind of guy I'm attracted to. I don't know why. I have to ask myself why I go out with losers. I really have to ask myself because I really don't know.

Where are all the real men?! That's right! They're already married or in a relationship
Or they are chasing chicks who don't appreciate them and they can't see girls like me
They can't see girls like me because I don't stick out
If I stuck out, I'd stick out like a sore thumb
Girls like me are rare
But I'm going to change
I have to change
Because being the 'nice' girl isn't working for me
Maybe I'll start being a b*tch and see if I actually get anywhere!