I can't keep thinking like this. Someone told me that the most sincere form of self criticism is suicide. I asked him what the least sincere form of self criticism was. He told me that it is self loathing. I guess I'm just not sincere, but at least I'm honest.
I don't know why I feel this way. I mean lots of people are going through worse sh*t and I sit here thinking the stupidest things. Stupid selfish things and I could be dying or worse off like other people are every day. I have to be thankful I'm alive, that I can occassionally eat icecream, watch the sun set, feed the birds... Everything else that I take for granted every day.
I am just lonely. The things I need are not unlike the things that everyone needs. For a long time, I always thought sex meant love, an expression of love. Love has nothing to do with lust. They are separate. I have been thinking of it as a validation thing.
I kept looking at my body and seeing it as something so negative and started hating myself because I wan't thin and firm anymore. Sometimes I feel good, I feel ok, and then at night, when I'm all alone and I have nobody to talk to or get affection from, it starts all over again. I am trying to cope, but I can't. I have been trying to find a way out, but there is none.
Someone told me today that guys like being around happy girls, girls who are secure, girls who are.... well everything that I'm not. I thought that if I could just find a guy who wanted me for me... Who actually cared enough to be there to listen... That I'd be ok. It's not going to work that way. I'm not going to find that guy because I'm not going to be that girl. I am messed up. Really messed up and I have been for a really long time. If they only knew what I was going through and why I did all the things that I did. If only I could just explain it all away.
I'm stuck in this citty with nothing to do. I feel so isolated all the time. I sit at my computer because nobody calls me, nobody invites me out. I never have any plans.
Yeah, someone actually suggested a private life.
Maybe he meant to say social life,
but I'm not social,
how can I be social when I am stuck within these walls?
My phone never rings.
I just want to kill my 'hamster on steroids'
because the wheel keeps spinning but nobody is home.
Trying to pretend I'm happy is so hard.
My emotional health, my mental health is going down the drain.
I am going crazy and the way out is not a door I want to open.
I know what's on the other side of that door
because I've been there before, so long ago.
I don't know why these thoughts have resurfaced.
Maybe I'm knocking on all these doors in my mind
looking for some answers
and I just keep stopping at this gate to hell.
The fire is so hot that it's burning me from the inside.
I think that if I don't get affection that there is something wrong with me.
Why does affection automatically mean validation to me?
Why do I need affection to feel validated?
Why does it hurt so much not to be validated?
It's like that mobius strip, the secret to life is the mobius strip
because it never ends. It's like a circle with a twist.
The twist is the representation.
Here, let me draw you a diagram.
v---------------v
Affection<------->Validation
^---------------^
Does it sort of make sense now?
- Draw a sideways figure 8, but big enough to write the words affection and validation in the loops. (Do you see how it flows, how one becomes the other? You see, that part that overlaps is where one becomes the other. What I need to know is why does that exist? You have the potential to reverse the flow at the exact center).
- Calculate the distance to the center from each loop the speed of the flow of emotional energy (the desire on a scale of 1-10) along that line.
- Then you will know the transfer rate
- Estimate the moment of transfer to thus reverse the transfer rate. (If you keep reversing the transfer rate each time the potential reaches the center, then you separate the two variables).
You see why I want to send that hampster on a permanent vacation?
If I think of this stuff all the time, then why aren't the variables balanced?
Why can't I obtain one or the other?
Why can't I have both?
Why do I think of this crap anyway?
Tomorrow is another day.
Maybe I will dream of:
The mathematical principles of transfer rate reversal.
9 comments:
As much as I hate my "hamster on steroids" sometimes I'm really glad to have it spinning the way he does. I've turned a lot of my own negative thought patterns into something really positive. You gotta remember it's you who controls the hamster.. Sometimes, late at night it's hard to remember. I still don't sleep through the night because of letting my hamster run around like he does but it's a lot better then it used to be for me I do manage to sleep through most of the night. Part of making it better for me was when my hamster started spinning I would think of a couple things I could do to fix whatever problem he was working on. Sometimes, just thinking up some options is enough to get him to give it up...sometimes you have to go a bit further and make a commitment to change. Those are hard nights.
Sometimes, I think people waste too much time on criticism. Self or otherwise. All that really counts in life is that you're trying to be happy. Some people actually try to be unhappy which, is a shame because sometimes what they're really trying to do is become happy through sympathy. It only works for a little while and then you're back where you started.
Sometimes people think of empathy as support rather than sympathy.
Knowing that there is support out there, no matter where it comes from, makes all the difference to some people.
Some people can't pretend to be happy when they aren't. Not that they are trying to be unhappy. They just can't avoid it. It's like a loop. The thing that they focus on that makes them unhappy makes them unhappy because it is the only thing that they have to focus on.
It is hard to get out of that loop. It's hard to get anywhere when you are like a hampter running on the wheel. Yes, we all control our hampters and sometimes we allow them to get off that wheel and take a break.
That's the trap! there's always something else to focus on and redirect your energy towards. That other thing can be really tough to see though. It's hard to attack the problem from a different direction when things are so overwhelming and the problem is so big that you can't see it from any other angle then head on.
You shouldn't have to pretend to be happy all the time but, if you're not happy then you need to do something about it. Focusing on that one thing that's making you unhappy probably doesn't help anyone feel better.
That's what I mean by try to be happy..not pretend, but actually do something to change life for the better. Pretending to be happy is stressful!! I couldn't pretend to be happy if I wasn't. I've tried too..and never again.
A couple of years ago I was pretending to be happy when I was just really lonley. I let everything build up until I locked myself in a room with my guitar for a month. Leaving only for work and food. I wrote a couple good songs (Satellite and Barricades for Jamie's benefit cuz I know he'll read this) and that helped little.
What really turned me around was going home to Toronto and seeing my family again. Knowing that there *was* someplace I could go for support helped a lot but it was only the first step for me. I came back to Ottawa, feeling a lot better.
My mother took a look at me and realized something was wrong. Most of my friends knew but I wouldn't talk to them about it. Anyway, she helped me to look at it from a different angle and she opened some doors for me that I didn't even know were there. I'm pretty lucky in that respect. Some people don't have that available to them.
Basically, I was being real hard on myself and unfair to myself and when I stopped doing that, things got better for me. It happened slowly but they still got better.
Those are two great songs...they came from a hard time. They are a testament that you can make it out of a situation like this.
Sean never spoke about this stuff to me, and that was his first problem. Sean never talks about this stuff. He has great friends, even other than myself, but he doesn't like to BURDEN them. Reminds me of what I used to be like at that time too.
Canadian Chick doesn't seem to have a support group like we did, though. That is tough. In the end, chosing not to ask for help vs not having any is not cool.
What to do? Single mom. It's hard to get around and meet new people. Then she stays in her rut at home and thinks (hamster-style) about how much life sucks. People like us may comment and offer advice, but it doesn't help.
But life doesn't suck. It doesn't and she will get through this. She'll meet new people. Become more social. People will ask her out. Today and yesterday weigh heavily on you, CC, but you'll manage soon. You know why? Because you want to. You WANT to.
Yes, I do want to. The hard part is doing it when you don't know how.
For real.
Some people have a natural gift for meeting the other sex...or even people in general.
I try to learn from these people. Also, I phased out my "afraid of failure" thought process. That really helps. Now I can approach people alot better. Even women, when I did.
Burden...Yes, there's that..There's also stubborn pride and embarrasment which keeps my mouth shut from time to time. I'm a lot better about that now then I used to be. Back then, Having those friends (aside from Jamie) was fairly new to me. Moving in with a roomate and friend (Shawn for the benefit of Jamie) helped to bring me out of my shell after my girlfriend (of 2 and 1/2 years) and I broke up.
And now for Sean's deep dark secret...Every single date or girlfriend I've had since I locked myself in my room with my guitar started on the internet. I logged onto Lavalife and paid the $14 or whatever it is to "get started". I poked around profiles on ICQ. (I had more success with ICQ then Lavalife btw) I met a lot of weird people and I met some good ones too.
I have some great stories about some of the stranger people I've met actually. I don't think I'll post them here tho ;)
Anyway, My friends, who I was very lucky to have still speaking to me after my stint of 2 1/2 years, helped to socialize me and the internet got me back into the dating world again.
It was crazy! I never had so many options in my life. Some of my friends almost accused me of being "a playa" ;)
Dunno if that would work for you but it worked for me as a "How to get started."
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