I Have To Ask Myself "Why?"

Ok, I'm at this point in my life where lots of things are confusing because I'm entering another stage in life. So I have to ask myself "why?" Why do I have these thoughts? Why do I get so emotional? Why is it so hard to differentiate between logic and impulse? Why is everything changing so fast? It's hard to accept, but why is it so hard to accept. Why is it that I feel that I need to be validated to be happy? It's strange. I think that I'm crazy, but surely craziness can't be the answer to all of this. It's just an excuse to enable the impulsiveness.

I am trying, but it is hard. I know that I'm not the only one going through this stuff. Other people have gone through their own changes, their own stages. It's a scary thing. Some people make it through, but some people don't. It's not about not being strong enough, it's not about weakness. I think it is because they don't have support.

Maybe people don't understand. I don't even understand. If I did, I'd have an answer. It only takes one answer to get the ball rolling, then some other doors open. It's not about finding 'the truth', it's about finding one truth at a time. There isn't just one truth that fixes everything because it's like a big ball of knots. One knot has to be untied to untie another. I have been through some stuff that I can't talk about. It came back to me one day when I was walking along a path. I realized it was the same path I had been on 6 years ago. I don't know why that night changed my life. I don't know why I had to remember. Since then, I can't forget. I know that nobody would understand why I did what I did. I know I should leave the past in the past. There has to be a reason for the sudden return of that memory after all those years. There is a reason for everything.

I have the chance to have something that I've been after for a while. I want to go for it, but I'm not sure if it is real. It's like a mirage when I've been walking through the desert for so long. Is there really palm trees and water over there or am I just going to get a mouthful of sand and a sunburn? Only time will tell. At least I am this close to untying this one knot. One knot at a time. The problem is that I want this to be real and if it is too good to be true, I'm back where I started. It is a chance I will take because I don't often get chances like these. Sometimes you just have to take what you can get when you get it. There is no luck of the draw.

When I see my scars I wonder why they are there. Most of them are faded, but I can see some. I remember back then. I try to figure out what was going through my head then. I used to think that I did it as a distraction. I know some people do it for attention. I don't think that was my reason. I was so angry back then. I don't know where that anger went. I directed it at myself until it just turned to hate, but even the hate is subsiding. I don't know where it's going. One thing that really changed was knowing that I have a reason for being here. There is a reason for everything, even the mistakes that we make in life. I have made many mistakes and I'll make many more in the years to come. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone misses out on opportunities. I'm not the only one going through this craziness. It's life. Sometimes you just have to live it for what it is and let things work themselves out.

There is an old saying that goes: 'Don't kill a mosquito with a cannon.' In other words, you don't have to waste a lot of energy to fix a small problem. Sometimes things seem bigger than they really are. I used to be afraid of being alone. I am still afraid, sometimes. Most of my fears haven't happened yet. There is a man who once said: 'there is nothing to fear except fear itself.' This is because the fear is so consuming. Not only emotionally and mentally consuming, but time consuming. When you are scared, you begin to worry relentlessly, and you don't even realize that there isn't anything to worry about because the fear has already consumed you. There isn't anything to be afraid of. I'm never really alone, even when I feel alone.

I can turn the thoughts off by reading. I have been using this method a lot lately. I just open the book and transport myself to another place in my thoughts. It helps me get through the nights when I'm by myself with nobody to talk to.

Working makes me feel better. Going to work, doing something. I untied a couple of knots on this big ball. Every knot is a challenge. Sometimes it takes a really long time just to work on one knot. Sometimes it's easier. Nothing is always going to be easy. It was never meant to be that way. The things that are worth having are worth waiting for. The things that are worth having are worth working for. It can be very hard to tell the difference between those things we are supposed to wait for and those things that we are supposed to work for. I just really hope that one of these days I'll have made some progress. Even if it is the smallest bit. I need to make changes and I always say that. I just don't know how to do it.