He is in the process of moving out. He said he was going for a drive. Told me he'd be back in a couple of hours. He hasn't come back. I don't expect him to. Wouldn't say where he was going. I deserve this in a way, but he could have told me he was leaving. He could have told me when he intended on coming to see his son.
It's time for me to move on. I don't really think I'm ready to. I knew this day was coming, but I didn't think it was going to be today. Now I have nothing and I was counting on his support for his kid's sake. I don't care if I have nothing to eat, but I have to have food for my kid. It's going to be a bleak month because I wasn't prepared for this. I had nothing saved up. When the rent goes through there will be nothing left.
I always feel back up against a wall. I am working, but I still can barely afford the rent, and I still don't have any money for anything else. It's going to be hard, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I guess it is the same for pain. After 5 years it is hard to accept that someone could just walk away. I wanted to be the one to walk away because it would have been easier than being left high and dry. That's what I get for seeking the affection that I craved. That is what I get for having an addiction I couldn't fight. I kept thinking there was someone out there who wouldn't push me away or take me for granted. Maybe I should have kept dreaming.
I'm still walking in this desert. I have a sunburn and my skin is blistering. I am so thirsty (for knowledge). I am so hungry (for love). I am so tired of walking aimlessly. I am so dehydrated that all I see are hallucinations. Mirage after mirage. I feel like giving up but it is the worst time to give up. I need to try harder than I've ever had to try in my life and I know it's going to drain me. By the time I am ready to love again, I will have nothing to give. Everything that I have left will be gone. I might have to pawn my guitar to get some groceries. I'd really hate to do that. I know I have to do something. I'm just lost right now. Will I ever find a way out?
1 comment:
Hey there,
Take care of yourself and your son. Things probably seem really bad at times (from reading your blog for the past couple of weeks) but I'm sure you'll make it through and find whatever it is that you need eventually. Good luck with everything!
If you think of it and have the opportunity to, drop me an email and let me know how things are. You can grab my address off my blog or profile.
Best of luck with everthing you do!
Sean
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