Three More Days

I might only have three more days left of internet usage then I'll be working on my book. It will be hard doing without something I've had for 2 years, something that I became addicted to over the years, but I have to just let it go. There is lots that I have to learn to just let go. Maybe it will be an incentive to go to the gym more often. Who knows? I might even meet someone there. I'm not counting on it. I won't be surprised if I don't get any more dates. The last guy didn't seem to want to get to know me... The next time around will be different. I'm not going to try as hard. I'm not going to expect it to be real. Chances are that it would only last for a couple of weeks before the guy realizes that I'm not going to have sex with him. Then he will be pissed off and stop talking to me, figuring he wasted all that time for nothing. I don't think I really deserve anything, but I have to lie to myself by telling myself that I do.

I have today off work so I have to go meet my boss, get my pay, and go do a few things. I have a list of things that I have to do. I also have to find some things and do some chores. I have to change my address on my driver's licence, even though I don't use it for much. I still don't know how to drive, still don't have anyone to teach me how to drive... Maybe one day.

I have no choice but to just lay low now. Although relationships can be a good thing, they can be complicated and stressful. I have to tell myself that I'm not missing out on much. I have to tell myself that when I see someone out in public holding hands or kissing that they are fools. That way, I don't feel like a fool for ruining every chance I had. Maybe I just have to tell myself that the next time might mean something. I don't care anymore. Why should I care? Sometimes physical contact can feel good, but knowing that it's all you're getting... I don't know anymore. If I ever knew anything, I wouldn't be thinking of all this crap because I would know how to let it go.