Their Issue

It's 7pm here and it feels like 11pm.
It feels like I should be going to bed.

It starts getting dark at around 4pm...
Makes me have to check and double-check the time...

At least we still get sunlight...

It just bugs me WHEN PEOPLE GET MAD AT ME
FOR NOT GIVING THEM WHAT THEY WANTED
WHEN THEY NEVER GAF
ABOUT WHAT I WANTED.

Which was very simple.
Just don't f*cking do things to me
YOU WOULDN'T WANT ME TO DO TO YOU.
And THAT'S the bare minimum
THAT SHOULD GO WITHOUT SAYING.

Because why would I do sh*t to them
THAT I WOULDN'T WANT THEM TO DO TO ME?

And yeah, it's disappointing.

But when their BS backfires, WHY BLAME ME FOR IT?
Because they didn't get what they WANTED?

DID I GET WHAT I WANTED?
THE BARE MINIMUM? NO?
SO WHY SHOULD I KEEP WAITING?
FOR WHAT? TO WASTE MY TIME?

More time than I already wasted?

It's one thing to waste my own time, 
but letting someone else waste it...
IS STILL WASTING YOUR OWN TIME.

Because you don't have to let anyone waste it.
At all, let alone keep wasting it.

And if all they want to do
IS THE SAME SH*T OVER AND OVER
LET THEM KEEP F*CKING DOING IT
BUT THEY DON'T HAVE TO HAVE YOU AROUND
TO KEEP DOING IT TO YOU.

Sure, I can have compassion for people
GOING THROUGH ALL KINDS OF SH*T...
Why? I've been through all kinds of shit, myself...

However, just as much as I didn't choose, 
I DID ACTUALLY CHOOSE.

But no, be resentful towards ME
OVER THINGS THAT WERE NOT MY FAULT.
ARE CHOICES OTHERS MADE
MY FAULT?

If they wanted my compassion, understanding etc...
EVEN MY RESPECT,
THEY COULD HAVE TREATED ME BETTER.

But they literally refused to.

Putting in zero effort, on their part
ISN'T MAKING ANY EFFORT TO CHANGE.
ANYTHING THAT COULD HAVE CHANGED.
HAD THEY WANTED TO.

And often, what they got themselves into
HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

Waiting for me to "just get over it"
TO PUT UP WITH MORE SH*T...

FORCED ME TO WALK AWAY.
BUT BLAME ME FOR FORCING ME?

And when I finally start FEELING BETTER
ABOUT WHERE I'M TAKING MYSELF...

THEN, PEOPLE WANT TO TRY TO FAKE REMORSE?
WHERE WAS THE REMORSE FOR THEIR RECKLESSNESS
WHEN THEY WERE CHOOSING THAT?

I lied to myself ABOUT MYSELF
BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO FACE MYSELF
OR ANYTHING I DID... EVER.

I'm not the only one who ever did that.
Why would anyone WANT TO look at themselves?
EVEN TO ADMIT THAT THE "MISTAKES" THEY MADE
WERE CHOICES!!!!!

When people FORCE me to walk away...
Due to their own CHOICES or "pattern" of choices,

they try to act like they never gave me a REASON
OR MORE THAN ONE REASON to walk away...

But they counted on me to just "let them get away"
with all their BS.

AND BE THERE FOR THEM, REGARDLESS.
OF ANYTHING THEY DO OR SAY.
TO OR ABOUT ME....

I mean, I could go back to drinking...
For the sake of drinking...
To try to "numb" the pain...

Of all the disappointments, in my life.
Just to "feel better" in the moment.
Just to"feel worse" overall.

Because the "pain" and "disappointments"
ARE STILL GOING TO BE THERE
REGARDLESS IF I CHOOSE TO DRINK, OR NOT.

Unless what? Unless I do something about it?
ABOUT HOW I THINK AND FEEL?
ABOUT EVERYTHING?

Even about myself? 
And what I used to want?
And why I used to want that?

Because I don't have to want what I used to want.
And not for the same reasons I used to want it.
No matter what anyone thinks or feels about it.

But I get accused of "just giving up" on them.
NOBODY SPEAKS ON WHAT FORCED ME
TO WALK AWAY.

WHAT LITERALLY GAVE ME NO CHOICE!

But I just "gave up"? On what? 
Someone who just wanted to force my hand?
Because someone else wanted to try to force theirs?

What if anything was I walking away from, exactly?

Someone putting up with someone else's BS
and bringing their BS into MY life?

Someone letting others INTERFERE.
IN SOMETHING THAT WASN'T THEIR BUSINESS?

Someone letting others LIE to them ABOUT ME?

THAT'S WHAT THE LIARS WANTED ME TO DO.

Instead of TRYING TO CONTROL OTHERS
WITH THREATS LIKE THEY TRIED TO DO TO ME
WHAT AM I DOING? CONTROLLING MYSELF?

Because I HAVE SELF-CONTROL. 

Am I reacting the way they wanted me to?
If I had, they could say "See? Told you she's crazy!"

They literally wanted me to FIGHT.
FOR WHAT? OVER WHAT?
TO GET OR HAVE WHAT?
"CONTROL"?

When all I wanted was for them ALL
to f*cking control themselves.

And to STOP trying to "control" me?
And to STOP trying to "blame" me
FOR THEIR NEED TO CONTROL
EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE?

OTHER THAN THEMSELVES?

Should I have to put myself at a "loss"
BECAUSE SOMEONE WANTS TO HAVE A TANTRUM?
OVER THINGS THAT ARE NOT THEIR BUSINESS?

But TRY block me from things COMING MY WAY.
AND LASH OUT AT ME ABOUT IT...

AS THOUGH YOU HAVE ANY SAY ABOUT IT.
JUST BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO HAVE IT
INSTEAD OF ME?

If they make it 'unfair' for ME
THEY GET IT INSTEAD?

Anyway, I'd rather not deal with ANYONE, PERIOD.

GIRLS WANTING TO FIGHT ME FFS.
WANTING TO BLOCK ME.
THREATEN AND CONTROL ME...


And you can't blame me for walking away from that sh*t.
Actively trying to ruin things between me and someone else.

And that other person F*CKING LETTING THEM DO IT.

TO AVOID A TANTRUM IF THEY DON'T LET THEM?
IF THEY DON'T GET WHAT THEY WANT?

LET THEM BE P*SSED OFF
THAT THEY DON'T JUST GET TO DO THAT
JUST BECAUSE THEY F*CKING FELT LIKE IT!

THAT THEY DON'T GET TO TRY TO
RUIN SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE ELSE.

Out of jealousy or whatever else.
Jealous that my feelings were REAL?
That I was being real? Authentic? Genuine?
Do I have the time or desire to be anything else?
BEING FAKE TAKES A LOT OF WORK
AND DOESN'T TURN OUT WELL.


And my karma in the situation
is whatever luck's about to change for ME.
Because there's no run of luck that doesn't run out...

And if you do get 7 years of bad luck
for breaking a mirror...

Then the person whose mirror got broken...
DO THEY GET 7 YEARS OF GOOD LUCK?

Literally wanted to ATTACK ME....
HOW COULD THEY NOT SEE THAT
FOR WHAT IT WAS?

TRYING TO GET IN THE WAY
IN LITERALLY ANY WAY THEY COULD.

But why not let them keep doing that, right?
So they can just keep doing it?

And if you don't? If you take a stand?
ON SOMEONE'S OBSESSION WITH BLOCKING/STOPPING
SOMEONE LIKE ME?

WHO HAD PURE/REAL INTENTIONS?
My intentions are still very real,
TO KEEP WALKING AWAY.

So why do I keep bringing it up?
I don't know why.

There was no real point in fighting for anything
THAT WASN'T FIGHTING FOR ME.

BEING DOWN FOR SOMEONE
WHO WASN'T BEING DOWN FOR ME...

Was down for someone
WHO DIDN'T WANT THEM TO BE DOWN FOR ME.

If they didn't feel 'entitled' to do it...
THEY WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ABOUT IT, AT ALL.

Regardless of the BS, I have a life to live
AND THINGS I'D RATHER BE DOING
FOR MYSELF, WITH MY LIFE.

Despite anyone doing whatever in the background.
Despite their reasons...

They can be angry all they want.
IS IT MY ISSUE THAT THEY ARE?
Or is it THEIR issue that they went that far?

They Never Had To

If I ever gave proof to everyone
HOW I WAS BEING TREATED
JUST BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO...

I'd still be pushed into the "she's crazy" box.
Why wouldn't that p*ss me off?

The "other one" supposedly got fired... Today.
The announcement was made at 2:17pm.
Uncanny at this point, right?

But yeah, HAD I WALKED AWAY
THE FIRST F*CKING TIME
I WAS DISRESPECTED, 
THEY PROBABLY WOULDN'T
HAVE KEPT DISRESPECTING ME.

And THIS was YET ANOTHER lesson.
Because HAD I walked away, 
THEY'D STILL MAKE UP SOME REASON
TO BLAME ME
AS THOUGH THEY WERE THE ONES
WHO WALKED AWAY, NOT ME.

But should I CARE THAT THEY DO THAT?
OR SHOULD I BE RELIEVED
THAT SOMEONE WHO WOULD DO THAT, 
EXCUSE AND TRY TO JUSTIFY
DOING IT BECAUSE THEY WANT TO.

Like HER coming at ME
BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO!
DO I GET TO DO EVERYTHING I FEEL LIKE DOING?
JUST BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE DOING IT?

Or would I be excusing my immaturity?
Just because I wanted to do that, too?

And basically, I'd be excusing my immaturity
BY DEFAULT.

But no, DON'T tell anyone
JUST HOW IMMATURE I WAS BEING?
AND WHY I WAS BEING IMMATURE?
AND HOW I WAS BEING IMMATURE?

Because WHY would I want ANYONE to know?
Because people might SEE ME DIFFERENTLY.

And if they care about WHAT EVERYONE ELSE THINKS...
WHY DID THEY NOT CARE WHAT I THOUGHT, TOO?

WOULD THEY HAVE TREATED ME LIKE THAT?
IF THEY CARED WHAT I THOUGHT?

AND IF THEY WANTED TO KEEP ME
IN THEIR LIFE, THEY WOULD HAVE CARED ABOUT THAT.
AND ABOUT ME, NOT JUST THAT.

They didn't care if I was there or not.
BUT ME NOT SHOWING THAT I CARE
(WHEN I STOP DOING IT DUE TO DISRESPECT)
MEANS I NEVER CARED, AT ALL?

No, they only say that I kicked them out, 
OR I DID THIS OR THAT...
OR I CHOSE NOT TO DEAL WITH THEM
AND THEIR BS ANYMORE...
BS THEY CHOSE TO CHOOSE...

They only tell that side.
NOT ANYTHING THEY DID OR SAID
TO DISRESPECT ME.

Anyone who can't see what they had
WHEN I WAS IN THEIR LIFE
DOESN'T GET TO SEE 
WHAT THEY COULD HAVE HAD
HAD THEY CHOSE TO TREAT ME
IN A WAY THAT I WOULD WANT TO BE.

But why not accuse me of doing sh*t to you
THAT I NEVER DID
TO TRY TO "MAKE" ME "LOOK" EVEN "WORSE"?

INSTEAD OF TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
FOR WHAT THEY CHOSE TO CHOOSE.

People can choose to choose what they choose.
If having me in their life meant
NOT CHOOSING TO CHOOSE DISRESPECT...

You cannot tell me or convince me
THEY DON'T KNOW WTF THEY ARE DOING.
THAT THEY AREN'T CHOOSING TO DO THAT.

Then they think they can just come right back
saying: "Sorry."
BUT WERE THEY SORRY WHEN THEY WERE DOING IT?

Like me telling them, asking them
"DON'T DO THIS."

THEN THEY DO IT, ANYWAY
BECAUSE WHEN I SAID IT
IT DIDN'T SEEM TO MATTER WHY I WAS SAYING IT...

Like "Can you stay out of the kitchen between 5am to 7am?"
THEN THEY WAKE ME UP AT 6AM...
IN THE KITCHEN. I ASKED THEM NOT TO.
THEY COULD HAVE LET ME SLEEP
FOR ANOTHER HOUR.
BUT DID IT MATTER THAT I WANTED TO SLEEP?
OR DID IT ONLY MATTER
WHAT THEY WANTED?

Just because I let anyone stay with me
DOESN'T MEAN THEY GET TO TREAT MY PLACE
LIKE A F*CKING HOTEL
WHERE THEY DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME
OR RESPECT ME ENOUGH TO LISTEN TO ME.

Since it doesn't seem to matter what I want
AND DON'T F*CKING WANT
AND THEY WOULDN'T WANT, EITHER...

Should it matter to ME what THEY want?
If they want to keep staying at my place
DOING WHATEVER THEY WANT?
DESPITE WHAT I ASKED THEM NOT TO DO?
DESPITE WHAT THEY KNOW
THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR?

Someone said something to me:
DON'T HAVE TO SET YOURSELF ON FIRE
TO KEEP ANYONE WARM.

There's only so much I can do for anyone.
IF THEY WANT TO CHOOSE BS
OVER DOING WHAT'S RIGHT...
Am I supposed to "make" them choose
TO DO THE RIGHT THING?
TO HONOR THE POSITION
I EVEN GAVE THEM IN MY LIFE?

TO RECOGNIZE AND APPRECIATE
WHY I EVEN OFFERED ANY OPPORTUNITY
I EVER OFFERED THEM?

Am I supposed to "make" them do those things?
When they choose NOT to do those things?

Or should I just say "well, that was their choice."

THE DISRESPECT ISN'T WORKING FOR ME.
IT NEVER WAS.
BUT I PUT UP WITH IT SO LONG
THAT PEOPLE WANTED TO JUST KEEP DOING IT.

THEN GASLIGHT ME ABOUT THAT?

But if I was pulling in the $$$ they'd want to collaborate?
Then they'd suddenly respect me
FOR MY SUCCESS STORY ALONE?

All the things I chose not to do...
THERE'S A REASON I CHOSE NOT TO DO IT.

Did I choose to be a junky? No?
Maybe that's why I'm not a junky!

Did I choose to be a drunk?
Yeah, I did,
but did I choose not to be, anymore?

It's either YES or No.
Yes, I'm going to quit.
No, I'm not going to go back.

Or...
No, I'm going to keep doing this sh*t.
And repeating the same BS I choose to keep repeating...

Don't have to keep choosing what we chose.
(What anyone wanted us to choose)
(For any reason they wanted us to choose that).
(Or for any reason we chose it in the past).

I chose to drink. That was my choice.
So I can't f*cking blame anything or anyone
OVER MY OWN F*CKING CHOICES.
TO DRINK, TO FEEL AND THINK
HOWEVER I FELT AND THOUGHT ABOUT DRINKING, 
TO MAKE EXCUSES TO JUST DO IT
AND KEEP DOING IT.

Why? Because it was MY choice.
It was up to ME, on whether I drank, 
kept drinking, blamed anyone etc.

Since it was up to ME
NOBODY GETS THE BLAME.
EXCEPT FOR ME
FOR MAKING THOSE CHOICES.

And I really don't want to be around anyone
WHO TRIES TO BLAME ME
FOR THEIR F*CKING CHOICES.

Did anyone want to be around me?
Did I even want to be in my own skin?

Can't say I blame them for not wanting to.

But I get blamed for them?
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO?
JUST LET THEM TREAT ME
HOWEVER THE F*CK THEY FEEL LIKE IT?

IS IT MY FAULT THEY NEVER REALIZED?
ANYTHING I WAS SAYING MIGHT BE TRUE?
A TRUTH THEY DON'T WANT TO SEE, HEAR, OR ACKNOWLEDGE
ABOUT THEMSELVES
DOESN'T STOP BEING TRUE.

But who am I to shove the truth down their throats?

Even if THE ONE PERSON
YOU REFUSED TO LISTEN TO
REFUSED TO TREAT WITH RESPECT
REFUSED TO DEFEND
REFUSED TO ACKNOWLEDGE

COULD HAVE BEEN THE ONLY ONE
WHO CARED ENOUGH ABOUT YOU
TO WANT YOU TO WANT BETTER FOR YOURSELF

WHILE NOBODY ELSE GAVE A F*CK.
ABOUT YOU
OR WHAT'D BE GOOD FOR YOU, 
BETTER FOR YOU...

BETTER THAN THE BS YOU CHOOSE, DAILY.

The person WHO NEVER HAD TO GIVE YOU
ANY OF THEIR TIME OR ATTENTION, 
CONSIDERATION, EFFORT,
ANYTHING...

But no, sh*t all over that person
and tell everyone they're "crazy."

The person who WASN'T using you for drugs
or money, or whatever tf else...

BUT LEAVE ALL OF THAT OUT.
ALL OF IT.

There's a saying that applies, here.

Bees don't waste time explaining to flies
why honey's better than sh*t.

I would have been wasting my time
EXPLAINING EVERYTHING ABOUT MYSELF
TO SOMEONE WHO REFUSED
TO EVEN GROW TF UP!

If he wants to treat sh*t like gold, he can go for that.
BUT HE CAN'T TELL ME HOW SH*TTY IT IS...
EVERYTHING HE CHOSE, HIMSELF.

But at the same time, I can't "make" anyone "realize" anything.
EVEN IF IT'S F*CKING TRUE!!!

EVEN IF THEY COULD CHOOSE BETTER.
IN GENERAL, NOT JUST FOR THEMSELVES...

But they literally wanted to call my bluff
ABOUT WALKING TF AWAY.

JUST TO WHAT? BLAME ME THAT I DID?

Yeah, I'm f*cking disappointed AF.
THAT THEY WOULD EVER GO THERE, WITH ME.
WHEN THEY NEVER HAD TO.

The Other One

For a long time, I didn't watch anything related to politics.
Watching the House of Commons (HOC) p*ssed me off.

One reason is they don't answer a question with YES OR NO.
AND THAT'S ALL THEY HAVE TO SAY.

Lately, it's been "the other R****."
A guy, who is a cabinet minister,
FALSELY CLAIMED THAT HE WAS INDIGENOUS
TO CLAIM FUNDING FROM THE GOVERNMENT
THAT WAS ONLY SET ASIDE
FOR INDIGENOUS COMPANIES.

People are P*SSED THAT HE EVEN DID IT.
AND THAT HE HASN'T RESIGNED, YET.

AND THE LIBS AREN'T DOING ANYTHING.

WHILE JT'S IN BRAZIL FFS.

But the Libs are saying things about the Consers
THAT AREN'T EVEN TRUE.

The Convers want the Libs to produce documents
UNREDACTED DOCUMENTS
TO THE RCMP
SO THAT THE LIBS CAN BE INVESTIGATED
FOR THEIR SCANDAL.

And the Libs aren't doing that.
AND ARE MAKING EXCUSES NOT TO DO THAT.
AND IF THEY JUST DID THAT, 
THE GOVERNMENT
CAN JUST GO BACK TO WORK.

If a Conservative Minister did that, 
IT'D BE A SCANDAL.
SO HOW ISN'T IT WHEN A LIB MINISTER DOES IT?

The Minister in charge of Native issues
WON'T EVEN ANSWER YES OR NO
ON WHETHER SHE WOULD CALL IT FRAUD FFS.

The libs won't just answer YES or NO.
If they say YES, and DON'T FOLLOW THROUGH
THEY LOOK LIKE LIARS.

If they say NO
THEY HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHY NOT.

Which also puts them in the "hot seat."
So either way they are screwed.
And I think this is why they don't just answer YES or NO.

Anyway, the government has been stuck
being limited to what they can do
BECAUSE THEY WON'T HAND OVER
UNREDACTED DOCUMENTS TO THE RCMP.

Calling the RCMP a third-party.
INSTEAD OF RECOGNIZING THAT THEY
SHOULD BE INVESTIGATED.

BECAUSE THEY ARE HIDING MORE THAN
JUST "THE OTHER R****."
OR WHERE THE 40 MILLION DOLLARS WENT...

AND EVEN COMPROMISED MPS
TIED TO FOREIGN INTERFERENCE.

We aren't to know who they are, I guess.

So we could be potentially voting for them
WITHOUT KNOWING IF THEY ARE COMPROMISED.

IT'S A WHOLE LOT OF BS.
AND THEY KNOW THIS.
BUT NOBODY, INCLUDING JT, WILL RESIGN.

BECAUSE IF THEY DO, 
WILL THEY GET THEIR PENSION?

And that's why they are holding off an election
for as long as they can.

For obvious reasons, people are P*SSED OFF.
and they know WHY.

SAME REASON THEY WOULD BE P*SSED OFF.

And I just found out that the guy I was trying to help
TO GET CLEAN...
WENT BACK TO DOING DRUGS.

It's either YES I'm getting clean
Or NO I'm not.

So he would have stopped AGAIN two months ago.

And people are saying "addictions's a disease."
AS A FORMER ADDICT, IT'S A CHOICE.

DID THEY HAVE TO START DOING DRUGS IN THE FIRST PLACE?
DID THEY HAVE TO EVEN BE AROUND ANYONE WHO DOES?
AND EVEN IF THEY WERE AROUND PEOPLE WHO DO IT, 
DOESN'T MEAN THEY EVEN HAD TO START.

THEY CHOSE ADDICTION.
JUST LIKE THEY CAN CHOOSE RECOVERY.
AND SOBRIETY.

But he'll just tell everyone that I kicked him out
WHILE HE WAS "TRYING" TO GET CLEAN...

IF HE WAS TRYING TO GET CLEAN, 
HE WOULDN'T HAVE BROUGHT A FIST FULL OF RIGS.
ESPECIALLY AFTER I TOLD HIM
NOT TO BRING ANY DRUG SH*T INTO MY PLACE.

Ignored me when I was TRYING TO DO FOR HIM
WHAT HIS SO-CALLED "FRIENDS" WEREN'T DOING.

BUT WHEN YOU STOP HELPING SOMEONE
WHO CLEARLY WASN'T HELPING HIMSELF
YOU ARE SUPPOSEDLY THE SO-CALLED "FRIEND"
WHY? BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE USED
WHILE YOU SAY YOU'RE GETTING CLEAN
BUT EVIDENCE POINTS TO THE FACT
THAT YOU WEREN'T?

JUST USING ME FOR A PLACE TO STAY
AND FOR WHATEVER I WAS WILLING TO DO
FOR YOU AS A "FRIEND" ?

And when I told him THAT I HOPE HE STAYED CLEAN
AFTER BEING HERE.
HE TRIED TO MAKE IT INTO
SOMETHING IT WASN'T.

AS THOUGH I WAS SAYING IT SARCASTICALLY.
NOT SINCERELY.

But doesn't matter what I say, apparently.

Someone was saying that if you try to help someone
DO SOMETHING THAT THEY SHOULD BE DOING
FOR THEMSELVES, 
IT'S SUPPOSEDLY DISEMPOWERING. 

So if he has to FIGHT HIS OWN SELF-RESTRAINT,
ALL ON HIS OWN, 
THAT'S WHAT HE NEEDS TO DO.

Because obviously he couldn't see
WHY I EVEN TRIED HELPING HIM. 

Why would anyone?

Someone helped me.
That's part of the reason I do it.

And then there are people
WHO WILL NEVER BE HAPPY
WITH ANYTHING YOU DO FOR THEM.

FOR THEM.

But let him go back to it a billion times
UNTIL HE REALIZES THAT I WAS EVEN IN HIS CORNER.
AT ALL, LET ALONE HELPING HIM.

But if you help someone, too much.
THEY'LL TRY TO GUILT YOU
INTO THINKING YOU ARE OBLIGATED TO HELP THEM.
EVEN WHEN THEY PLAY IN YOUR FACE
AND CONSTANTLY INSULT YOU.

But then come to me
AS THOUGH THEY KNOW
I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO EVEN WOULD
BECAUSE I ACTUALLY CARED.

BUT PUSH SOMEONE AWAY WHO CARES...
UNTIL THEY DON'T CARE ANYMORE...
JUST TO SAY THEY NEVER DID...
OR THEY'D JUST PUT UP WITH IT, RIGHT?

FORGIVE A BILLION TIMES?

But no, paint me as someone who never cared...
As someone who was only helping them
TO GET SOMETHING FROM THEM.

WTF DID I WANT FROM HIM?

THINGS I SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO ASK FOR?
Like enough respect for them to NOT play in my face?

Not to figuratively, or otherwise, SLAP ME IN THE FACE?

Because doing things and saying things
THAT YOU KNOW ARE INEXCUSABLE...

THEN TRY TO PLAY THE VICTIM?
INSTEAD OF TELLING EVERYONE:
I TREATED A*** LIKE SHIT
TO THE POINT SHE FELT LIKE SHE WAS WASTING HER TIME.
AND I WAS WASTING HER TIME.
BECAUSE I NEVER GAVE HER THE RESPECT SHE DESERVED.
FOR EVEN CARING ENOUGH ABOUT ME
TO EVEN WANT TO HELP ME
LET ALONE WANT ME IN HER LIFE...

But no, I'm just a b*tch who kicked him out
FOR 'NO REASON.'

AND I WAS THE 'REASON' HE WENT BACK TO DRUGS.
BECAUSE WHY NOT BLAME EVERYTHING ON ME.
ALL YOUR CHOICES ON ME.

The reason couldn't possibly be BECAUSE HE MADE A CHOICE.
It's too convenient for him and everyone else
TO BLAME ME FOR THEIR OWN F*CKING CHOICES.

And it's to the point that if they'd rather choose THAT
and then blaming me for CHOOSING THAT...

Just to blame someone else, other than themselves...

At THAT point, WHY F*CKING BOTHER?
TO KEEP GETTING THE BLAME
FOR THEIR CHOICES?

As a former alcoholic, I WAS CHOOSING TO DRINK.
I WAS CHOOSING ALL KINDS OF BS
AND I CHOSE TO BLAME IT ALL ON EVERYONE ELSE.
BECAUSE HOW COULD IT BE MY FAULT?
FOR THE POSITION I "FOUND" MYSELF IN?

Like whoops! I accidentally fell into the deep, dark pit
CALLED ALCOHOLISM.

IT WASN'T JUST ME CHOOSING TO DRINK, RIGHT?
Wasn't just ME choosing to blame MY issues on everyone, right?

Like I was somehow exempt from any type of way
I WAS BEING TOWARD ANYONE, RIGHT?

WRONG.

Because why not make it about A***.
Why not just dump my issues onto her
AND TELL HER SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO LIKE IT.

He literally told me to go back to drinking

AND WHEN I TOLD HIM THAT I HOPED HE STAYED CLEAN
HE TRIES TO TURN IT INTO ME MAKING A JOKE OF IT.

THE JOKE IS HIS LACK OF SELF-RESTRAINT.
AND SELF-RESPECT.

And someone else told me:
"How can they respect YOU when they can't respect THEMSELVES?"

Shouldn't be HARD not to play in someone's face
WHEN THEY TOOK YOU INTO THEIR HOME
TO HELP YOU GET CLEAN.

I feel like he lied to me and used me.
THEN GO AROUND TELLING PEOPLE
THAT I WAS THE PROBLEM.

NO, SOMETIMES THE PERSON
WHO CAN'T RESPECT THEMSELVES
OR ANYONE (WHO MEANS THEM WELL)
IS THE PROBLEM.

MAYBE THE DISRESPECT IS THE ISSUE.

But to tell everyone
THAT HE DISRESPECTED ME?

WHY NOT TWIST IT?
SO THAT HE DOESN'T HAVE TO TELL ANYONE THAT?

If the truth makes HIM look bad, why tell anyone?
Because he'd lose friends?
He'd lose respect?

But no, don't tell anyone any of that...
Save his own @ss.

And the same people I tried to help...
THEY CAN'T COME RIGHT BACK TO ME
ANY TIME THEY FEEL LIKE IT...

If they want to make it seem they'd be better off, 
BY ALL MEANS.

BUT BEFORE YOU BURN A BRIDGE WITH ME
YOU BETTER MAKE SURE
YOU DON'T NEED MY HELP FOR ANYTHING ELSE, EVER.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have treated you like that"
ISN'T HOLDING ANY WEIGHT
BECAUSE THEY ALREADY KNEW
THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE, BUT CHOSE TO.

AND THEN CHOSE TO BLAME ME
FOR CHOOSING TO DO IT.

It's the excuse: "You "made" me do it."
DID ANYONE MAKE ME DRINK?
OR DID I DRINK BECAUSE I WANTED TO?

Did I "make" anyone disrespect me?
Or did they CHOOSE TO?

Did I "make" anyone give me a sh*t ton of excuses
FOR F*CKING EVERYTHING THEY EVER
CHOSE TO DO TO ME?

OR DID THEY CHOOSE TO?
BECAUSE THEY COULD HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO.

But it's like they WANT me to feel like the EFFORT
It would have taken TO RESPECT ME
WAS SOMETHING I DIDN'T DESERVE.

EVEN THOUGH WHAT I WAS DOING
WAS FOR THEM.

THE OPPORTUNITY I GAVE
THAT THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO WASTE
LET ALONE TRY TO THROW IN MY FACE...

But reminding them I WAS F*CKING THERE FOR THEM
EVERY F*CKING DAY
IS ME SUPPOSEDLY THROWING IT IN THEIR FACE
THAT I WAS...

But WHY was I? Will they ever acknowledge WHY? EVER?

Why acknowledge WHY?
Because they'd have to acknowledge other things, too?
That they were wrong about me
and "made" me seem to EVERYONE
THAT I'M SOMETHING I'M NOT?

Why tell anyone WHY I was ever there FOR them?
Why tell anyone WHY I'm NOT there FOR them, now?

Would it "make" them seem a type of way?
FOR CHOOSING WHAT THEY CHOSE?

I "made" myself seem a type of way
FOR CHOOSING WHAT I CHOSE.

EVEN THE TIMES MY CHOICES
EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE THE RIGHT THINGS
FOR THE RIGHT REASONS...
WHICH NOBODY WILL ADMIT... EVER...

EVEN THOSE TIMES...
PEOPLE WHO CHOSE TO "MAKE" IT
INTO SOMETHING IT NEVER WAS...

TO "MAKE" ME LOOK A TYPE OF WAY.
And they chose to do THAT.

Did they HAVE TO do that?
Or did they choose to do that?

Did I HAVE TO drink?
Did I HAVE TO BE ABOUT MY BS EXCUSES TO DRINK?
EXCUSES I GAVE MYSELF TO DRINK
INSTEAD OF ADMITTING THAT I WAS CHOOSING TO DRINK
BECAUSE I WANTED TO?

Guess what? I choose not to drink anymore
WHY? Because it was always A CHOICE.
THAT WAS ALWAYS UP TO ME.

Same with the other choices...
Like blaming everything and everyone
FOR CHOOSING WHAT I CHOSE.

It's like saying: "This is my choice.
I could choose not to treat you like sh*t,
AND THEN NOT TREAT YOU LIKE SH*T
INSTEAD OF BLAMING YOU
FOR MY CHOICE
TO TREAT YOU LIKE SH*T"

Which would be mature, right?
RECOGNIZING IT WAS THEIR CHOICE
THIS WHOLE TIME?

It was MY choice to drink.
It was MY choice to keep getting drunk.
It was MY choice to be so immature
AS TO NOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
FOR MY CHOICES.
AND THE CIRCUMSTANCES
THAT I PUT MYSELF IN
BY CHOOSING WHAT I CHOSE.

But when I walk out of anyone's life
FOR NOT TREATING ME PROPERLY
AND WANTING ME TO JUST KEEP
OVERLOOKING THAT
JUST TO BE THERE FOR THEM
WHENEVER THEY WANT TO USE ME...

Then, I'm the sh*tty person, to THEM.

A***'s not letting me USE HER anymore.
She's being a sh*tty "friend."

BUT NEVER SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT THE TIMES THAT I WAS
OR WHAT I WAS EXPECTED TO PUT UP WITH...

TO BE CONSIDERED "A FRIEND."

Who needs friends like that?

I'd rather NOT be "friends" with anyone
WHO WOULD RATHER KEEP
EVERYTHING GOOD I DID
FOR THE BEST OF REASONS
TO THEMSELVES

BUT SMEAR MY NAME TO EVERYONE
AS THOUGH I MEANT NOTHING ALL ALONG.

On Top Of It

There's a saying that goes:
Don't interrupt your enemy when they're making a mistake.

As for enemies, I don't have many.
Not out there actively making any.

I'm not like those GOING OUT OF MY WAY
TO DO SH*T THAT'S BEEN DONE TO ME.

There's consequences for that.
Even when you think there's not.
Universe sees it all.

AND THE REASONS BEHIND IT.

But yeah, the stalking and sh*t...
ALL of that energy coming at me
GOES WHERE?
RIGHT BACK TO THEM.

SO WHERE WOULD THAT ENERGY GO
IF I WAS PUTTING IT OUT?
RIGHT BACK TO ME.

Not hard to figure it out.
Only has to blow up in your face ONCE.
JUST F*CKING ONCE
IN THE MOST HONEST, TRUEST WAY.

FOR ANYONE TO SEE IT.
THAT IT WASN'T A GAME.

THAT CERTAIN LINES
SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN CROSSED.

The universe sees those lines.
Those very fine lines.

Sees who crosses them and why.
Pays close attention to why.

Because of cause and effect.
If YOU are the cause, you'll be affected.

Because that's how it works.

Nobody is exempt from the effects
of their own BS.

No matter how they want to try to spin
the narrative.
No matter how they want to try to LIE
ABOUT THE FACTS.

OR DENY ANY RESPONSIBILITY
FOR THEIR OWN SH*T.

Universe sees the projections
and reflects those back.
Kind of like a mirror.

But DON'T COME BACK TO ME
WHEN ANYONE REALIZES SOMETHING
ABOUT ME THEY COULD HAVE REALIZED
A REALLY LONG TIME AGO.

Because I gave the TIME AND OPPORTUNITY
TO DO THAT. HAD THEY WANTED TO.

But all they had to do was understand
why they were literally stalking and spying etc.

BECAUSE SOMEONE DIDN'T WANT THINGS
TO BE FAIR FOR ME.

But the only one who is going to, is me.
Why count on anyone being fair? To me?
EVEN WHEN I WAS BEING MORE THAN FAIR.

I just won't go out of my way to prove myself to anyone.
WHERE DID THAT EVER GET ME?
DID IT GET ME RESPECT?
DID IT GET ME ANYTHING?

Only thing it got me was to a point where I don't know
WHY I EVEN F*CKING BOTHERED
HELPING ANYONE 
WHO WOULD TURN AROUND
AND GO OUT OF THEIR WAY...

Because it was in me to GIVE?
What? My heart? My time?
Patience, chances, opportunities etc.

WAY MORE THAN I EVER NEEDED TO GIVE?

But it WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE THAN GOOD ENOUGH
FOR THE RIGHT PERSON, CORRECT?

And hopefully they'd see and know
WHERE IT WAS EVEN COMING FROM....

AND ACTUALLY APPRECIATE IT.
FOR WHAT IT IS.

BUT SHOULD I BE HOLDING MY BREATH
FOR ANYTHING THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED
TO HAPPEN?

And why would anyone want people to see it
FOR WHAT IT IS?

But do I have the time for that kind of sh*t?
Would you waste your time on that sh*t?
For that sh*t? Let alone more of it?
Probably not.

They can watch me, if they're going to do it anyway...
Because they wanted to try to force how people look at me...
Why would they want someone to see me
in a way that would take anything "away" from them?

I'm not even trying to be all like "this is who I am."
If they can't see it, should I shove it in their face?

Seems people don't like things shoved in their face.
EVEN THE TRUTH.
EVEN THE FACTS.

ESPECIALLY IF THEY DON'T WANT TO FACE IT.
WHY WOULD THEY WANT TO?

But they don't like it when they can't control me
OR WHAT I THINK OF MYSELF.

It doesn't matter how much they try to convince anyone
OF ANYTHING OTHERWISE.

The truth's still the truth.
And it doesn't stop being the truth
just because someone wants it to.

This is why I don't get jealous.
I used to, when I thought I was missing out.

I can understand FOMO, but I'm not missing out
ON BULLSH*T.

Even in a friendship, not worth it.
BUT DEFINITELY NOT IN A PARTNERSHIP.

And IF I was looking for anything, that'd be it.
A PARTNERSHIP.
IN BUSINESS AND OTHERWISE.

But if you f*ck up, makes it hard to
NEGOTIATE WITH ME.

LIKE YOU COULD HAVE, HAD YOU NOT.

And that's what needs to be understood about me.
I get it, not everyone will want you to be
in a position to negotiate with me.

And if you took that into consideration, 
I wouldn't seem so 'crazy' after all...

Was a gamble they took.
A risk they took.

Risked any negotiating power, with me.
By letting someone try to keep me out.
By letting someone try to block me.

They let someone block them by blocking me.
With lies lol. 

And all they had to do was talk about that. All of that.

But I'm allowed to be happy OUTSIDE ALL OF THAT.
BECAUSE IT SHOULDN'T HAVE MATTERED
AS MUCH AS IT APPARENTLY DID.

BECAUSE IF IT DIDN'T,
THIS WOULDN'T HAVE GONE THIS FAR.

I'D JUST HAVE BEEN ALLOWED
TO JUST BE APPRECIATED
FOR WHAT I DO HAVE TO OFFER, 
BUT FOR WHO I AM.

TO BE CARED ABOUT.
RESPECTED.
APPRECIATED.

Anyway, harder with all kinds of BS.

But when the TRUTH comes out, 
don't bother coming to me to say SORRY to me
WHEN YOU COULD HAVE TALKED TO ME.
ABOUT EVERYTHING BEING SAID ABOUT ME.

TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT.

The only ones who would do that sh*t
WERE THE ONES WHO STOOD TO LOSE.
IF I GAINED.
BY MY OWN MERIT.
BY MY OWN CHARACTER.

THAT'S WHY THEY WANTED TO TRY
TO CUT ME DOWN TO EVERYONE.

TO TRY TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE
SOMETHING I NEVER WAS.

But by doing that, they show who they are.
Says nothing about me, at all.

That's high school sh*t. It really is.
Mostly females doing it to other females
INSTEAD OF STEPPING ASIDE.

TOO MUCH EGO TO JUST STEP ASIDE, 
AND NOT GO AFTER ANYONE
WHO'S JUST LETTING YOU
IMPLODE... 

BECAUSE COMING AT ME
is like imploding or why bother?

For an ego trip?
People who go on ego trips
TEND TO TRIP OVER THEIR EGO.

THEN THEY HAVE TO PICK THEMSELVES UP
OFF THEIR FACES.

Because when the truth comes out, 
they will try to 'save face,'
BUT THEY WON'T BE ABLE TO.

I DON'T HAVE TO SHAME ANYONE,
THEY SHAME THEMSELVES
BY TRYING TO SHAME ME

FOR WHAT?
BEING SOMEONE I'M NOT?

But I am not wasting any more TIME
TO TRY TO EXPLAIN ANY OF THIS
TO ANYONE WHO REFUSES THE FACTS,
THE TRUTH ABOUT THE FACTS,
THE TRUTH ABOUT ME...

But when someone doesn't want someone to
NEGOTIATE WITH ME, 
THEY'LL GO OUT OF THEIR WAY
TO TRY TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.

And when they can't SEE THAT,
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL THEM?
ANYTHING I HAVEN'T ALREADY TOLD THEM?
MORE THAN ONCE?

But I guess it would have to take
them seeing much more than just that.

MUCH more than just that...

Now that THAT isn't my problem, anymore...
And I have all of my things going on, 

WHY SHOULD IT MATTER NOW?
It doesn't in the way that it used to.

All I'm saying is that the facts are still facts.
About me, about what happened, and why.
About all of it and facts don't stop being facts
just because anyone wants them to.

Do I have reasons to be ANGRY? Yeah?
AND IF I WERE TO IMPULSIVELY
AND OBSESSIVELY ACT OUT
ALL THAT ANGER...

I WOULD BE THE "CRAZY" ONE.
Instead of what? Taking the high road?
Instead of not being "involved" in their sh*t?

People can literally play themselves
RIGHT OUT OF SOMETHING GOOD.

SOMETHING THAT WAS RIGHT THERE.
THE WHOLE TIME.


But that was the opportunity.
And someone let someone manipulate them
OUT OF THE OPPORTUNITY.

DO I HAVE TO GIVE THE SAME OPPORTUNITY TWICE?
DO YOU?

NO, WE DON'T.
But to try to control me with threats? 

Reminds me of the part of the movie
where Kevin Costner was explaining
the difference between a threat and a promise.

Would they have threatened me if I wasn't a threat?
If I wasn't on their 'radar'?

WAS I THE ONE STALKING AND THREATENING?
Sure, I called a lot of sh*t out.
But if there was nothing to have an issue with, 
there wouldn't be anything to call out.

THEY WOULD HAVE ISSUES WITH ME
IF I WAS THE ONE DOING THAT SH*T.
WHO WOULDN'T?

Yet what am I doing?
LETTING IT BACKFIRE
AND BLOW UP IN THEIR FACE.
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS
IN CASES LIKE THESE.

And I don't enjoy it when it happens.
I take some pleasure (if you can even call it that)
that sometimes the PERSON who was innocent
THE WHOLE DAMN TIME
GETS TO WIN SOMEHOW, 
IN THE END.

By winning, I'm writing my own story.
My "success story"
where I right the wrongs 
SINCE I AM NOT COUNTING
ON ANYONE TO DO IT FOR ME.
OR BECAUSE OF ME.

OR REMEMBERING ANYTHING ABOUT ME.
BECAUSE IF THEY DID
NOTHING ANYONE WOULD SAY ABOUT ME
WOULD STICK,
BECAUSE THEY'D REALIZE
THAT NOBODY KNOWS ME.

Since nobody knows me, 
how can they say anything about me?

Wouldn't the smart thing be
to realize and recognize that?

The reason for any of that?

But really, SHOULDN'T ADULTS BE MATURE
ENOUGH NOT TO DO THAT SH*T?

ADULTS!

And at the end of it, that's not what I even WANT.
Someone who can't see that sh*t?
NOT EVEN WHEN I'M TELLING THEM?
Literally refusing to see it, though.
Is that attractive? At all?
Or is that seen as a waste of time?

It'd be like if my ex contacted him
to threaten him because he felt threatened.
AND WENT OUT OF HIS WAY
TO DO ALL THE BS THINGS
THAT SHE DID TO ME.
TO HIM.

How would he look at THAT? AT ME?
For allowing that sh*t?
Even excusing it?
To "justify" that sh*t?

AND REFUSING NOT TO.

BUT THEN SHOULD I GASLIT THEM ABOUT IT?
ON TOP OF IT?

Tell me how that sounds like a dream come true?