Patch work

Getting used to using this computer again.
At least I've got something that works.

Tonight, I just watched a few movies and knit.

I'm using up to scrap yarn I have.
I was going to make a scarf, 
but I was thinking of knitting strips
and joining them together.

Kind of like a 10 stitch blanket.

10 stitch blanket is 10 stitches at a time,
but it joins together and is kind of knit in the round.
On straight needles.

Circular needles are joined together
and they are usually used for big projects
like sweaters and blankets, to hold a lot of stitches
or to actually knit in the round.

But the 10 stitch blanket had mitered corners
which I'm not a fan of knitting.
Plus, I only did that once.

Something weird happened yesterday.
I was sleeping and I heard someone running towards me.
It was a kid, but I'm alone here and have been for a long time.

It sounded just like a kid running right to me.

Anyway, it's been really hot in here.

As soon as the building turned the heat on...
Before, it was freezing in here.

There are a couple of ladies who said they want to learn
how to knit and I agreed to meet with them.

So we're trying to figure out a time and place.
We agreed on evenings. Wednesday or Thursdays.

The thing with knitting is that it takes a long time
to make stuff.

Like the blankets I have made...
They take at least 8 months to make just one.
Sometimes over a year.
Depends on what I have going on in my life.

Although knitting is something I like doing,
and crochet...

It seems most people don't realize
HOW LONG IT TAKES TO MAKE SOMETHING.
HOURS, DAYS, WEEKS, MONTHS...

BECAUSE IT TAKES A LONG TIME,
PEOPLE GET BORED OF IT FAST.

WHY? BECAUSE IT TAKES A LONG TIME.

And selling something handmade...
You have to get paid for the time it takes to make it.
PLUS MATERIAL.

If I'm charging like $20 for something that took 4 hours to make,
that's $5/hour and not even getting that much
BECAUSE I HAD TO BUY THE WOOL FOR IT.

People don't seem to get it.
It's an ART.
Every stitch is done by hand.

Sure, it's easy for me to knit,
but IT TAKES TIME.

And when people know you can make stuff
THEY ASK YOU TO MAKE STUFF
AND DON'T BOTHER PAYING YOU FOR IT.

EVEN WHEN THEY SAID THEY WOULD.

THAT'S WHY I RARELY SELL THINGS I MAKE.

BECAUSE IT TAKES A REALLY LONG TIME.
AND FOR WHAT? LESS THAN $5/HOUR?

I was making a blanket that I wanted to raffle off.
I still want to do that one of these days.
My ex liked it so it ended up going to him.

That one took over a year to make.
To give to a guy who ended up punching me in the head.

NOT ONLY DO PEOPLE NOT APPRECIATE MY WORK
BUT IT SEEMS THEY DON'T APPRECIATE ME.

But do I even appreciate myself?
I've made myself some things.
Like socks, and the union jack hat I made for myself.

But my so-called "best friend" I haven't seen him in months.
He doesn't call me. He moved and haven't seen his "new place" yet.
Even though when I've called him, he had people over.

I was like the last person he told he was even moving.

When I call him he just says "I was just thinking of you."
THEN F*CKING CALL ME.
SHOW ME YOU WANT ME IN YOUR LIFE.

What bugs me is always being there for people
WHO DON'T GIVE ME THE TIME OF DAY
BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T BE BOTHERED.

For ME.

Anyway, I'm not talking about ALL THE TIME.
Just worth it here and there.
FOR BEING THE 'FOREVER FRIEND'
WHO GETS IGNORED TO HER FACE
WHENEVER THERE'S ANYONE ELSE AROUND.

But the same people call me up
WHEN THEY NEED OR WANT SOMETHING FROM ME
BUT THEY CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO ASK ME
HOW I'M DOING? OR JUST TALK FOR 10 - 20 MINUTES?

One guy I knew was complaining about a guy
who called him just to talk.

Probably didn't want to give him the time of day, either.

But I said basically, who are you to complain about that?
Maybe you should call HIM, you're living on a prayer, too.

There are people who have prayed for me.
Things I lived through, times I was 'lucky'
but times I felt watched over, too.

I'm not super religious. 
I don't go to Church on Sundays anymore.

A friend of mine goes dancing on Friday nights.
I said I'd like to go with him.
He said I have to "dress up."

Firstly, I don't dress to impress.

When I used to "dress up" and wear "makeup"
I'd get the wrong attention for the wrong reasons
AND IT FELT VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

The last time we went out together, it was his birthday
a guy we were talking to assumed I was my friend's date.
That we were an "item" or something.

For whatever reason, the guy looked at my friend's junk
and says to me "I feel sorry for you." WTF.

I guess my friend has a big "package."
I wouldn't know because we're not like that.
I've never wanted to see any of my friends' thangs.

Was he thinking: "What's he got that I don't"?

But people see me with a guy and think I'm with him.

It happened where a friend was introducing me
to one of his friends who knows someone I was "seeing."
Because he assumed I was seeing my friend
HE TOLD HIM THAT I WAS MY FRIEND'S GF.
THE GUY I WAS "SEEING"
THOUGHT I'D CHEAT ON HIM.
OR THAT I WAS SLEEPING WITH MY FRIEND.
I WASN'T. AND HE DIDN'T BELIEVE ME.

People will think/assume/say anything.
If you don't know, ASK.

Yes, I have some male friends.
AM I SLEEPING WITH ANY OF THEM?
NO? BECAUSE THEY ARE ONLY FRIENDS.

DO I STAY THE NIGHT? Yes, I have.
BUT I AM GROWN ENOUGH
TO DO SO WITHOUT ANY AGENDAS.

And it's mostly to avoid being out late.
Safer to stay with a friend.

Funny how the song "baby it's cold outside"
got "cancelled" because there was a big uproar about it.

BUT NOBODY SAYS ANYTHING
ABOUT EXPLICIT SONGS...

Where's the uproar about Betty Crocker?
She's white so she gets to stay? WTF.

I don't know what it is tonight.
I'm feeling low. Lower than I have for a while.

It's not the 'romance' movies.
Because I don't care about that.

Maybe just getting tired? 

There was a thing called HALT.

Because parents don't always know why their baby is crying.
BUT CRYING IS PRETTY MUCH ALL THEY CAN DO.

APART FROM PUKING AND CRAPPING BUT I DIGRESS.

So there's a thing called HALT.

I forget what the A stands for, but each letter
represents a reason the baby could be crying.
H for hungry, A for (whatever it is, I forget).
L for lonely and T for tired.

I'm not lonely, and not very hungry...

Don't feel like bawling, just feeling low.

Am I just tired? I have to ask myself
when I feel this way if that's all it is.

Because a lot of the time, it could just be that.

What bugs me is seeing all kinds of cases
where a parent or another adult
seriously harms a baby just for crying.

Babies cry. Besides puking and crapping, they cry.


Anyway, I haven't really been anywhere in a couple of weeks.
I'm supposed to go somewhere tomorrow.
I don't know if he wants me to do some shopping for him.
Or what, but he usually schedules for Friday and cancels.
THEN WANTS TO KNOW WHEN WE ARE MEETING.

I'm fine with him canceling on me.
It's that he always does that and then wants me 
to just drop everything for him
BECAUSE HE WANTS SOMETHING FROM ME
LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I KNOW.

IT'S TO THE POINT THAT I WISH I COULD
JUST RUN AWAY AND START OVER.

The movie I just watched was a story about a lawyer
who inherits a ranch and her father stipulated
that she had to be there to sell it in person.

Her cousin wanted to sell it to build a golf club.
She ends up keeping the place. Happy ending and stuff.

It just reminded me that country people
are so much different from city people.

Someone asked me something once.
"How come you talk all smart with (one person I met)
and talk to me like a country "bumkin?"

Firstly I was relaxed more because I was high.
I don't talk to everyone I ever met
about my interests or stuff I know about
BECAUSE IT TAKES SOMEONE WHO IS INTO IT
TO UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

Like coding. Not everyone codes.
Am I supposed to try explaining coding stuff
to everyone I meet?

Or knitting stuff?

Probably not. So I just don't.
I just listen to them talk about what they want to.

When I go see my mother and we're getting high...
If my stepfather is there, he likes to talk.
He just talks so much that I have to listen and process.
WHEN I JUST WANT TO RELAX A BIT.

AND WHEN HE GETS THE JOINT,
HE DOESN'T SMOKE AND PASS.
HE HOLDS ONTO IT WHILE HE TALKS.

It's a joint. Not a microphone.

Anyway, I got enough, this time to make it through the month.
I usually get less. This time I got more.
To see how long it'll last.

It lasts me a long time because I only have a puff here and there.
I have a little pipe thing. It's a one-hitter.
I'm going to have to get a new one.
This one's biting the dust.

It works, not the best.
Not like it did when I first bought it.
Plus, all these tubes and containers that I don't need.

It bugs me all the things people just discard.
And it seems junkies make the biggest messes.

Some will just go into public washrooms
and destroy them.

That might have been a reason a gas station guy
wouldn't let me use the washroom.

Covid had just started, too.
It was either he thought I was a junkie
just looking for a place to sh00t up or something.

OR he didn't want to have to sanitize the washroom 
YET AGAIN.

BUT IT LOOKS LIKE A DUMP
WHEN SOMEONE'S HAVING A SESSION.

Clothes strewn everywhere even.
We're being given naloxone kits for free.
Just ask for one at a pharmacy.
I'm holding one in my hand as I'm typing this
because I couldn't remember how to write
NALOXONE.

Makes me think of the time me and a guy
came across a guy passed out
he was possibly close to death.
He took 2 bottles of pills and puked all night.
I guess he did that, took the pills
And then had second thoughts.

He wanted to roll onto his back, I told him not to.
BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT THE GUY TO CHOKE
ON HIS PUKE IF HE HAD TO PUKE AGAIN.

I put my leg there so he could lean against it
and he physically couldn't roll onto his back
because I was blocking him from doing that.

The guy crosses my mind from time to time.
I wonder if he ever thinks about me.

I didn't even know if the guy could hear me.
He nodded that he could.
He was so out of it.
Asked the guy I was with to call an ambulance for the guy.
I knew something was up with him.

We both thought he had passed out drunk.
He was covered in puke.

But I've seen a lot of drunk people
and they never looked like that.
He looked like he was a thread away from dying.
Maybe he was.

When the paramedics came, they gathered up his stuff
because it was in an arc around him.
When the guy picked up his bag, 
that's when I saw the empty pill bottles.
That's all he had in his bag.
Was hard not to see them.
His bag was all the way unzipped.

When the guy who almost died realized
that I realized he was trying to k!ll himself,
he started crying and all I could think to say was
"Hey don't worry about it. Just glad we found you."

Been there, myself, not quite that bad...
Thought about it. Too many times.

Doing an all nighter. I have to reset.

Because I became a vampire again.
Staying up all night and getting up at 4pm...

Every time I lay down for a little while, I'm out.

The Backup

I wanted to have a backup for the computer I'm using now.
It "died" last night and this one is almost 10 years old (I think).
It's so sloooooooooooow, but it works and I can at least blog.

I'm hoping just to finish the mini site version of my site.
Just to have something "together" while I build "the other stuff."

What I would like to do is have a major site.
I'd like to have an auction website. For this city.

I've seen an auction site for Edmonton.
There's an antiques guy who has a YT channel.

I started watching his videos to try to get myself
"out of my head" enough
to focus enough to watch something.

Didn't think I'd be switching back to this computer,
but it works (for now).
I was at the "book bus" last week.

It's a "mobile library" that parks near the tiny 
"community center" we have, here.

I've only been there once or twice.
To the community center thing.

There's a "good food box" program
where you can get a box of fresh produce for $20/box.
There are a couple of smaller boxes, I think.
(It's been a while).

Also, there's a "mobile market" which is
basically a bus that comes like the "book bus"
that sells fruit and veg for less than in the stores.

I was at the soup kitchen when they started a "food truck" thing.
I mean, I was in the kitchen helping out.
I don't write about it to be like "hey look at me! I volunteer!"
First, I've got my own reasons why it's that place.

And I didn't mind the dish pit.
Sometimes would rather be in there
than in the kitchen itself.

Because I wanted to get fast at it.
I wanted the repetitive-ness for it to 
just make me want to pound those trays out.

I meant racks. They have a "machine" thing.
The racks are set up with the plates etc,
then it goes through the machine.
Everything that comes out of the machine
is scalding hot.

But you have to keep it moving. 
Say you have 3 racks come out of the machine
You have to grab everything off those racks
and put it all away, fast

then pass the empty racks back to the person
who's running the racks though the machine.

There's a hose so that people can spray everything
that gets put on the rack.
Before it gets put through the machine.

I never counted how many racks ran through.
I mean, when I was in the dish pit.

But all the pots and pans went last.
All the dishware went through first.

I haven't been to the kitchen since before covid.

Anyway, I only mentioned it because I was there
during the time that they came up with it
and started.

I don't know how many trucks they have.

But it can be hard for some people
to get all the way down town for a meal.

Volunteers are allowed to eat what's left
after the crowd rolls through.

A lot gets cooked and thrown away.
I know because I've seen.

Maybe award volunteers with extra meals
or save those meals for someone?
Instead of throwing good food away.

My Grandmother was a "lunch lady"
who volunteered at a school near where they lived for "lunch time"
She used to be appalled at the kids throwing away their food
that they were supposed to be eating.

And all the while the parents would assume
that their kids ate their lunches.

So people can say "price of food" all they want
WHILE THROWING FOOD AWAY.

Let me put it this way...
IF I HAD THROWN OUT
THIS COMPUTER WHEN I GOT THE ONE
THAT "DIED" YESTERDAY...

I wouldn't be able to blog until
I saved up enough money to get another one.

I guess why I was writing about the "book bus"
is because while I was in there, there was a sign
that said that people can borrow a chrome book thing
for up to 3 months.

There could be loop holes in the system to keep borrowing it.

The library has been stolen from lots of times.
But I just like going to them because they have stuff to look at.

Including books about science, history, knitting, crochet etc.
All kinds of stuff.

And you can borrow them and take out more
when you visit, again, to bring them back.

I used to take my son to the library when he was a kid.
And we'd look at the books together at bed time.

And he had his own collection of books.
The routine was 3 books and 3 songs.

He got to pick the books and songs.

Then it was just time to go to sleep.
Easy routine.

Some parents dread putting their kids to bed
because their kids got used to being brats.

First, if they have a nice time,
like just looking at books together, 
reading together,
then sing a few songs...
THEY GET USED TO THAT.

My bedtime was different as a kid.
I went to bed at the time Unsolved Mysteries
and Rescue 911 came on TV...
TRY FALLING ASLEEP TO THOSE THEME SONGS.

As I got older, I was allowed to stay up late enough
TO ACTUALLY WATCH THOSE SHOWS LOL.

Anyway, the point is that if I have to borrow a device
at least I can do that via the library.
Which is pretty awesome.

The protests have been getting wild.
Outside people's homes so they can't leave.
JT's motorcade was attacked by protesters.
AND THEY DIDN'T ARREST ANYONE.

PEOPLE ARE P*SSED 
THAT THE TRUCKERS GOT AN EMERGENCY ACT
AND BANK ACCOUNTS FROZEN
BY THE GOVERNMENT

AND THERE ARE PROTESTERS
LITERALLY TRYING TO COME FOR PEOPLE.

SHOUTING DEATH UPON PEOPLE...

And then, I think it was in Winnipeg...
(correct me if I'm wrong)...
A bunch of people, were charging down the street
with their 'ceremonious' swords in the air.)

Those swords or daggers, I don't know the name for them.
Those aren't illegal here because those have
something to do with their religion.
Or something like that.

So they called running down the street
with those RAISED a protest.

WHY ARE PROTESTS NOT ALLOWED
IN THE COUNTRIES THEY LIVED IN
BEFORE THEY CAME TO CANADA?

Because protests can turn into riots.

Sure, it can feel 'good' to riot.
BUT IS IT NECESSARY?

Just that the trucker protest wasn't a riot.
It's that there was a public outcry about the protests.

It was handled pretty poorly, yes, but
THIS 'NEW WAVE' ISN'T BEING HANDLED AT ALL.

It's deportation time.

They are trying to excuse themselves
because when the Europeans came to settle
in Canada (before it became Canada),
they acted very poorly and ignorantly.

Just because ONE race acted like that like 200 years ago
DOESN'T MAKE IT RIGHT
FOR PEOPLE TO JUST COME HERE
JUST TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT TO.

Do we, as Canadians, run down your streets
DOING ANYTHING IN YOUR COUNTRY?
JUST WHATEVER?

One, we'd probably get thrown in jail
in your country.

There was a guy who went to Korea.
I can't remember if it was North or South Korea.

Anyway, he saw some propaganda that he decided
to pack as he was leaving. He got caught stealing it.
They take stealing very seriously in their country.

They had him in their jail.
I can't remember all the details,
but he died not long after being sent back to his country.

There was a guy who was being held hostage somewhere
(a foreign country) for over 2 years.
He didn't know if he'd see his family again.

He missed the birth of his child.

The kid's mother played a recording of their father's voice
just so the kid can know "that's my father's voice."

Anyway, it was probably longer than 2 years.
The point was being held hostage.
Not knowing when or if you can go home.

His interview was pretty emotional.
Everything they subjected him to.
While he was a hostage.

AND BEING REUNITED WITH HIS FAMILY.
ESPECIALLY HIS KID HE HADN'T MET.

AND HOW HAPPY THE KID WAS
JUST TO HAVE THEIR DAD.

When I Saw It

When I saw some things about myself,
I had a choice. 
1) Deny it
2) Do something about it.

I had a "drinking" problem, yeah.
What did I do about it? I don't drink anymore.
I had spent my attention on drinking.
NOT OTHER THINGS THAT I WISH I HAD.

IT WASN'T A DRINKING PROBLEM.
IT WAS A DECISION PROBLEM.

THE MORE YOU DECIDE
THE BETTER YOU GET AT DECIDING.

But looking at your choices doesn't hurt.
That's what I wasn't doing.

Because I could have chosen many other things.
Over drinking etc.
Over wasting money.
Over wasting time.

But when I saw the things I was doing...
Like giving myself excuses to drink etc.

I could act like I wasn't doing that...
AND STAY IMMATURE.

OR I COULD DECIDE NOT TO DO THAT.

So what did I decide to do?

Because there are other things I could give myself
REASONS TO DO
THAT I WASN'T DOING BEFORE.
AND IT WASN'T CROSSING
MY MIND TO EVEN THINK ABOUT.

Is it my fault that I hadn't thought about it?
ONLY TIMES I REFUSED TO THINK ABOUT IT.

Here's why I was refusing to think about it.
IT WAS UNCOMFORTABLE TO CONFRONT MYSELF.

WHEN PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO BE CONFRONTED 
AT ALL, PERIOD, WHY WOULD THEY CONFRONT THEMSELVES?

IF THEY WON'T CONFRONT THEMSELVES
WILL THEY EVER THINK ABOUT ANYTHING?

Like the girl who kept making excuses to me
to keep treating me the way she kept treating me...

Her mother was trying to talk to her
AND ALL SHE CARED ABOUT IS
SAYING WHAT SHE WANTED TO SAY
AND NOT LISTENING TO ANYONE ELSE...

AND HER MOTHER FINALLY TOLD HER
THAT IT'S HER.

Because she could have just let her mother speak
without making excuses to stop her,
shut her down to the point she just left.

So I made a point of saying that I could leave, too.
SO SHE TOLD ME TO LEAVE.

AND I WAS STILL GOING TO WATCH HER CATS
LIKE SHE HAD ASKED ME TO DO.
BUT SHE'S THE ONE WHO PLAYS VICTIM
LIKE I WAS JUST RUNNING OUT ON HER.
SHE TOLD ME TO LEAVE!

AND BEING TREATED LIKE THAT,
DIDN'T MAKE ME WANT TO STAY.
BUT SHE WANTED ME TO WANT TO.

TO TRY TO USE ME FOR MY 'KINDNESS.'

She didn't speak to me for over 2 years.
AND BLOCKED ME RIGHT AFTER
EXPLAINING TO HER WHY I FELT THE WAY I FELT.
BECAUSE IT ONLY MATTERS HOW SHE FEELS
WHEN SHE DOESN'T GET
WHAT SHE WANTS.

Not about how I feel about her treating me
however she feels like treating me at the time
BECAUSE SHE'LL MAKE EXCUSES TO DO IT.

AND EVERY TIME I EVER SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT HER DOING IT
AND WHY I DON'T LIKE IT...

SHE'LL JUST TELL ME TO GO.
OR SHE'LL TELL ME SOME EXCUSE.
OR SHE'LL PLAY VICTIM.

But she won't listen.
Because listening would require some admittance.
WHICH SHE ISN'T WILLING TO DO.

That type of stuff isn't easy to do.
BUT WHEN YOU SEE MANIPULATION
YOU CAN'T UNSEE IT.

Like I'm the worse friend in the world
FOR POINTING OUT THE FACT
THAT SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO TREAT HER MOTHER
THE WAY SHE DID.
IF SHE'S DOING THATIN FRONT OF ME,
WHAT DOES SHE DO WHEN I'M NOT THERE?

OR DOES SHE JUST ACT LIKE I'M NOT?
WOULDN'T BE THE FIRST TIME
ANYONE DID THAT TO ME...

It's not easy to confront ourselves.
BECAUSE IT IS MOSTLY SURFACE STUFF
ANYONE LOOKS AT ABOUT THEMSELVES.

DEEPER IS "WHY DO I ACT LIKE THIS?"
"WHAT GOES THROUGH MY MIND WHEN I ACT LIKE THIS?"
"WHY'S THIS GOING THROUGH MY MIND?"
"DO I HAVE TO ACT LIKE THIS?"
"CAN I CHOOSE TO ACT DIFFERENTLY?"

"What am I doing? Why am I doing this?"

When people value time, they won't waste any of it.
Instead of "k*lling time" they'd be using it.

When you're around people who never ask themselves
what they are doing and why they are doing it,
will you do it?

What are the chances that you do it
if nobody around you is doing it?

BUT DO YOU HAVE TO NEVER DO IT
ALL BECAUSE THEY AREN'T?

That'd be like: I'm never going to eat healthy
BECAUSE EVERYONE AROUND ME
EATS JUNK.

OR: I'M NEVER GOING TO DO XYZ
BECAUSE EVERYONE AROUND ME DOES ABC.

NOBODY I KNOW DOES THIS...

LIKE ADDICTS WHO HAVE ADDICT FRIENDS
AND THEY ALL JUST ENABLE EACH OTHER.

Ever see those shows? 
"I just give in and get the food 
OR THEY'LL GET MAD IF I DON'T!"

AND WHEN YOU'RE NOT ENABLING
THEY DON'T WANT TO BE AROUND YOU
BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT GETTING
WHAT THEY WANT FROM YOU.

One friend... He wanted the telescope.
HIS GF CALLED ME TO TELL ME
THAT SHE HAD ALREADY BOUGHT ONE FOR HIM
FOR CHRISTMAS AND SHE WAS KEEPING IT
AT THE OFFICE TO KEEP IT A SURPRISE.

So as a good FRIEND I kept it a surprise for him.
AND HE GOT MAD THAT I WOULDN'T
GIVE IT TO HIM
EVEN THOUGH HE HAD ONE WAITING FOR HIM.

And after he got it, she told him why I hadn't given him
the telescope and he apologized to me about it.

BUT WATCH HOW THEY TREAT YOU
WHEN THEY WANT SOMETHING.

AND BECAUSE THEY WANT SOMETHING.
INSTEAD OF JUST TREATING YOU PROPERLY
WITHOUT WANTING ANYTHING FROM YOU!

The person that comes to mind is a guy I briefly spoke to.
He was in the tech industry.
I found it interesting.
It would have been cool to talk about tech stuff.
That's all it was to me. I didn't want anything from him.

I HAD AN IDEA TO INTRODUCE HIM TO SOMEONE.
SO I DID THAT.

Then, he contacted me TO TELL ME
HE WASN'T LOOKING FOR ANYTHING ROMANTIC FFS.

HE ASSUMED I TOOK AN INTEREST IN HIM PERSONALLY.
OR THAT I MUST HAVE WANTED SOMETHING FROM HIM.
OR ELSE WHY WOULD I INTRODUCE HIM TO THAT GUY?

IT WAS JUST AN IDEA I HAD.
A POTENTIAL OPPORTUNITY FOR HIM, SURE.

BUT IT NEVER MEANT I WAS LOOKING AT THE GUY
"ROMANTICALLY."

I pretty much told him that, but we stopped talking shortly after that.

It's weird people assuming sh*t about me and being WRONG
BUT THEN TREAT ME LIKE WHO AM I
TO TELL THEM THEY'RE WRONG ABOUT ME?

It's like a guy who has a business assuming I'm interested in HIM
because he has a BUSINESS?

I had an IDEA for his business. Simple as that.

"Well, I thought..."
Maybe, if you weren't too busy assuming...
THINGS ABOUT SOMEONE YOU DON'T KNOW...
BECAUSE IF YOU KNEW ME,

YOU WOULD KNOW THAT AFTER TOO MUCH
ASSUMING...
MY INTEREST WAS IN THE TECH PART.
NOT THE 'ROMANCE' PART.

AND IF they realized that, maybe things could have
developed, but... Don't judge me by
what you think might be true about me.

BUT SOME GUYS THINK ALL GIRLS WANT IS MONEY.
I'D RATHER BE BROKE AND ALONE
THAN ANY GUY ACCUSE ME
OF JUST WANTING THEM FOR 'MONEY.'

Maybe I'm jaded, I dunno.
But that experience was something like:
"It doesn't seem to matter what my actual intentions were
IF PEOPLE ARE GOING TO TREAT ME
LIKE I HAD COMPLETELY DIFFERENT INTENTIONS."

Wouldn't it be nice if they could see my actual intentions?
AND TREATED ME ACCORDINGLY?

Okay, maybe it was premptive.
IN CASE THAT'S WHAT I HAD ON MY MIND.
IT WASN'T, BUT I COULD SEE PREMPTIVELY...

But I can tell when it's premptive and when it was just assumed.
IT HAS DIFFERENT ENERGY.


Just saying, if he knew me, he'd know
THAT IT'S NOT A CRIME TO SHARE AN IDEA.
UNLESS THE IDEA ISCRIME RELATED.

And yeah, could have just been cool to talk about tech stuff.
Pretty simple. Not asking for anything.
But stop me before I do LOL.
So that I don't. LOL.
WASN'T GOING TO LOL.

When Projections Fail

When people realize that what everyone was saying
WERE PROJECTIONS.
LIKE I WAS TELLING THEM... FOR HOW LONG?

THAT'S HOW THEY FAIL.
PROJECTIONS DIE IN THE REALIZATION
THAT THEY ARE PROJECTIONS.

But just like I said: I can't choose clarity for anyone.
I can't see or understand something for anyone.
They have to see it to understand it.

DESPITE WHAT I KEPT TELLING THEM.
How many times do I have to try to explain the same thing?

I dated someone. It was frustrating trying to reason with the guy.
When he didn't get what I was saying,
I'd try to explain it in another way.

MY 'STORY' NEVER CHANGED.
THE WAY I TRIED EXPLAINING THINGS
CHANGED.
BECAUSE HE WASN'T GETTING IT.

EVEN THAT APPROACH DIDN'T HELP.
BECAUSE I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT FOR HIM.

Even if you have HOPES that someone will see it,
FINALLY SEE IT,
IF YOU SHOW THEM ANOTHER WAY.
THEN ANOTHER,
THEN YET ANOTHER?

We were watching a TV show.
It was a version of the show called Hoarders.

The guy, his roomie's gf, and I were watching it.
A KID WAS CRYING ON THE SHOW
BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT THE PEOPLE
FROM THE SHOW TO LEAVE
WHEN THE SHOW WAS ENDING.

AND WE WERE TRYING TO EXPLAIN WHY
THE KID ON THE SHOW WAS CRYING.

He wasn't getting it. For whatever reason.
So we both took turns trying to explain it to him.

There was already enough context from the show itself
TO UNDERSTAND WHAT WAS GOING ON AND WHY.

But just because you can give additional context to someone
DOESN'T GUARANTEE THEY'LL UNDERSTAND.
EVEN WITH ADDITIONAL CONTEXT.

The people who are totally clueless...
THEY ARE EASY TO MANIPULATE.
THEY'LL BE EASIER TO CONVINCE.
BECAUSE THEY DON'T TAKE THE TIME TO THINK.

THAT'S WHY THEY ARE OF THE HERD MENTALITY.

I'll never forget the video I saw about sheep.
They were taught to use a gate to come to and from the field.
THERE ARE NO FENCES TO KEEP THEM CONTAINED.
ALL THEY KNOW IS THE GATE.

ANY one of the sheep could have just walked around
the gate, around all of them, to the front of the line,
but they just followed each other through the gate.

That's what I'm saying about people, too.
BUT PEOPLE WILL GET MAD AT YOU
IF YOU GET THE CONTEXT CLUES AND THEY DON'T.

We could have stopped trying to explain the context to the guy,
but we kept trying until he got it.
"Oh!" Yeah!

But what is it like when you try TELLING SOMEONE SOMETHING
ABOUT PROJECTION AND WHY PEOPLE ARE DOING IT?

But it's like people getting jealous not just because you can see them,
you know what they are doing and why they are doing it,
but also because you had to overcome something 
that they know they did.

So it's an extra layer of jealousy. Which is f*cked up.

BUT WHEN YOU DON'T GET JEALOUS
OR DO THINGS OUT OF JEALOUSY.
LIKE BLOCKING SOMEONE
FROM SOMEONE ELSE'S ACCOUNT...

OR TRY TOPIN THINGS ONTO SOMEONE
YOU KNOW THEY DIDN'T DO.

You know how bad it got?
People stole and accused me of stealing
TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE I WOULD DO THAT.
AND NOTHING I SAID WOULD BE
"BELIEVABLE."

If they could attack my credibility,
they could push me out of the way.

ALL THEY HAD TO DO WAS MAKE IT SEEM
LIKE I WOULD DO THAT.

EVEN THOUGH, NO, IT'S NOT THE CASE.

If someone NEVER lied to you or STOLE from you BEFORE,
WHY WOULD THEY JUST SUDDENLY START DOING IT?

Sure, I did want something.
BUT IF I WANTED WHAT I WAS ACCUSED OF WANTING,
I'D STILL BE HELL-BENT ON GETTING
WHAT IT WAS I SUPPOSEDLY WANTED?

MAYBE BECAUSE I'M NOT TRYING 
TO EVEN BE UNDERSTOOD OR BELIEVED...
I NEVER EVEN WANTED WHAT I WAS ACCUSED OF WANTING?

OR I'D STILL BE TRYING TO GET IT.
USING PROJECTION TO TRY TO GET IT.
BECAUSE THAT ONLY WORKS WITH PEOPLE
WHO CAN'T F*CKING SEE WHAT'S IN FRONT OF THEM.

THEY HAVE TO BE TOLD WHAT TO SEE.
WHAT THEY WANT TO BE SHOWN.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LET OTHER PEOPLE
WHO HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ME
TELL YOU WHAT TO SEE ABOUT ME
BECAUSE IT'S NOT THE CASE.

Having to work through that and overcome that, constantly...
ISN'T THE EASIEST THING TO OVERCOME.

BUT WHEN YOU DO, IT MAKES PEOPLE WHO DO IT
PROJECT EVEN MORE BECAUSE IT DIDN'T WORK.
AND YOU OVERCOMING SOMETHING
THEY KNEW YOU'RE TOO CONFIDENT AND MATURE
TO DO TO THEM, THROWS THEM OFF EVEN MORE.

EVEN MORE THAN WHEN THEY COULD HAVE JUST
F*CKED RIGHT OFF IN THE FIRST PLACE.

But when all you've got is being who you are and always been.
DOES IT MATTER WHAT ANYONE THINKS?
OR WHAT THEY WERE MADE TO THINK?
OR WHAT THEY LET OTHERS MAKE THEM THINK?

When they finally get that it's been a bunch of projection
BECAUSE THESE PEOPLE
DIDN'T WANT TO STOP USING YOU.
SO THEY GOT SO DEEP IN YOUR HEAD
ABOUT SOMEONE WHO WASN'T USING YOU.
WHO WOULDN'T USE YOU.

BUT YOU TREATED THE USERS LIKE THEY WEREN'T.
AND TREATED ME LIKE I WAS.

IF MY GOAL WAS TO JUST USE YOU...
WOULDN'T I STILL BE TRYING TO USE YOU?

Users don't just stop trying to use people.
Especially if the people keep letting them use them.

Did I let myself be used, before? Yeah.
Did I realize I was being used? Eventually.

But when you really trust someone
YOU DON'T THINK THEY WOULD DO THAT.

TO HAVE TRUST, YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT.

THAT'S NOT WHY I DON'T ASK FOR HELP OFTEN.
IF YOU ASK FOR TOO MUCH, YOU'RE USING.
BESIDES, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE USED,
DON'T BE LIKE THAT.

Even the very few people I can count on,
(not for everything, but most things)...
I don't like asking for anything.

Once, I called a friend to borrow money
to get a bus ticket to go to a funeral.
AND I FELT BAD ASKING TO BORROW IT.

I don't always ask for advice.
Even if I just call to have a conversation about something
some people think I'm looking for advice.

It bothers me. Because they seem to put no emphasis
ON WHAT I ACTUALLY TELL THEM.

THEY SEEM TO THINK I'M TELLING THEM
TO GET THEIR OPINION OR ADVICE.

Maybe I'm telling them FOR CONTEXT.
SO THEY CAN UNDERSTAND WHY I'M TELLING THEM.

But it doesn't seem to even get through, at all.

THAT'S WHY I STOPPED TELLING
CERTAIN PEOPLE ANYTHING.

BECAUSE NOT ONLY DON'T THEY UNDERSTAND THAT.
THEY DON'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND ME
ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND THAT.

AND I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT FOR THEM.
OR FOR ANYONE ELSE.

But it's frustrating. 

As frustrating as people projecting shit at you.
And people not understanding that and why they're doing it.

And then overcoming that huge blockage someone put there
with those stupid projections
and people being insecure about THAT.

Do I even have a choice but to overcome it?
They had the choice not to project at me.