I Got Tired

It took me a long time to even get some stuff set up... 

But, if I work on it a bit, each day, I'll have something set up.
I don't know when, but it'll happen. 

Anyway, I mostly do that. Mostly working on that. 
Trying to move forward. 

A lot of stuff on my mind, still. 

I never expected any of that BS. Y'know?

When it all "started," I thought it was actually going somewhere.

He took a huge risk, though. 

He's over there, because I don't see him the same. 
He knows I don't. 

Even IF I were to have him back in my life, 
which I fkn don't, 
he wouldn't get the version of me
that was open and emotional... 

BECAUSE I KNOW. I SAW ENOUGH.
OF SH*T I CAN'T UNSEE. 
OF WHAT HE FKN CHOSE TO SHOW ME.
OF HIMSELF. 

AND WHO HE WENT TO... 
HE'S TALKING TO... 
TO PAINT HIMSELF AS THE ONE WHO HAD
"THE REASON" TO BE A SH*T.

NOPE. I HADN'T DONE A DAMN THING TO HIM. 

He's trying to forget about what he actually did. 
He wanted me to! Fk that. Why should I?
SO HE COULD DO IT MORE?

HE WANTS THE NARRATIVE
TO HAVE WHOEVER BELIEVES HIM
ON HIS SIDE. 

THEY DON'T REALIZE HOW MUCH OF A SH*T HE WAS
FOR NOTHING. 

AND THEY'LL ONLY TAKE MY PLACE
FOR HIM TO TREAT THEM LIKE THAT... 

The more I reject him, because I really don't fkn want him back... 
The more he'll take it out on someone else. 

Because he's never to blame for any of his sh*t... 
Neither was she... Right?

But all the BS he did to me, he can do to her or whoever else. 

And all the BS she already did to him, she can do again, and keep doing. 

Pretty much that's what it is. 

He used her to get a reaction from me. 
A reaction he didn't get from me. 

The fact that he did that? 
And she thought she WON!!!! LOL!!!!

AND SHE WENT TO THE LENGTH SHE WENT TO
TO "WIN" BY "ANY MEANS."

AND IF HE TRIED TO COME BACK TO ME, 
LIKE HE DID, BEFORE, 

IT'D BE LIKE A "LOSS" FOR HER. 
THAT'S WHAT SHE CARES ABOUT. 

IF HE TRIED COMING BACK TO ME, 
SHE DIDN'T MEAN WHATEVER SHE THOUGHT SHE DID... 

I DIDN'T, EITHER. 
BUT DO I FKN CARE THAT I DIDN'T?

IT USED TO BOTHER ME. SURE. 
DOES IT NOW? NO. 

Because there's nothing real about smoke and mirrors. 

Wouldn't she want something real?

If I want anything, it's either real or it's nothing to fkn want!

Why would I want that sh*t, though?
Play yourself and try to blame me for it?

And then try to turn around, again?

I'm not his fkn scapegoat anymore... 
So who's it going to be, next?

Gotta be someone since he won't fkn own anything. Ever.

Just not me, anymore. 

And now that he can't do that sh*t to me, anymore... 
HE'LL DO THAT SH*T TO SOMEONE ELSE. 

AND WHOEVER IT IS, OVERLOOKED THE BS
HE DID TO ME... 

NOT THAT HE'LL EVER TELL THE TRUTH, 
THE FULL TRUTH ABOUT IT... 

BECAUSE HE'S THE "VICTIM" OF HIS OWN SH*T...

He acts like that because it "works" for him. 
HE GETS SOMETHING OUT OF IT
OR HE WOULDN'T. 

I find it kind of funny, in a way, that he ran right to her
TO GET A REACTION FROM ME. 
NOT BECAUSE HE WANTED TO BE THERE.
BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL THE SAME, ANYMORE. 

BECAUSE HAD HE WANTED TO BE WITH HER, 
THERE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ANYTHING|
BETWEEN HIM AND I, 
PERIOD. 

CORRECT?

IF HE WAS HAPPY... 
HE WOULDN'T HAVE HAD ANYTHING WITH ME
UNLESS HE'S JUST A SELFISH POS...

But he knows I don't see him the same. 

And she'll do "whatever" to "keep" him and "win"
BUT I'M THE ONE WHO WON. 

I WON MY LIFE BACK. 
I WON MYSELF BACK. 

I'm slowly getting my sanity back... 

I won my time back. From being wasted. On that sh*t. 

I'm only trying to get this sh*t out of my system. 

But if he's using her, she'll realize it. Eventually. 
I'd be p*ssed if I were her. 

I mean, if being used means she "wins,"
she can "win" all she wants. 

He can try to paint me as something I'm not, and never was, 
all that he wants to... 

But, he's the one who slammed the door in his own face. 
Many times. With me. 

She can take my place as the scapegoat. 
THE VERBAL ABUSE PUNCHING BAG. 

BUT NO TURNING BACK. 

HE GETS TO BLAME ALL HIS BS ON HER OR WHOEVER ELSE.

HE WILL TRY UNTIL PEOPLE DON'T FKN ALLOW IT.
I'M NOT ALLOWING IT. 

I HAD HOPE THAT HE'D GROW TF UP... BUT DID HE?

SHE IGNORED HIS BS BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT SHE WON. 
CONGRATS! WON SOME BS.

IF YOU WIN SOME BS, YOU FKN LOST...

SHE JUST WANTS TO TRY TO STOP HIM
FROM TRYING TO COME BACK TO ME. 

AND HE DIDN'T GET THE REACTION HE WANTED.
BECAUSE WHY WOULD I WANT THAT?

"DO WHAT I GOTTA DO TO WIN"... OKAY. YOU DO YOU.

BECAUSE IF HE TRIED TO COME BACK MY WAY,
IT'D MEAN SHE DIDN'T MEAN WHAT SHE THOUGHT SHE DID!

Knowing this, how can I be mad that I'm not getting the BS anymore?

She doesn't want to let go, though.
Because if she did, he'd try to come back. 

HE HAS, BEFORE.
AFTER THE FIRST FKN TIME.

SHE KNOWS IT. 
"CAUGHT US TALKING"
BECAUSE SHE READ OUR CONVOS. 
WHILE WE WERE HAVING THEM. 

AND I WAS THE ONE HE WAS STAYING WITH. 
AND SHE WENT BEHIND HIS BACK
TO FORCE HIM OUT OF THERE. 

BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T HANDLE IT. 
NOT KNOWING WHAT WE WERE DOING.... 
TOGETHER.... 

WE COULDN'T EVEN TALK
WITHOUT HER INTERRUPTING. 
IT WAS THAT FKN BAD... 

WHY WOULD I WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT?
WITH HIM LETTING HER DO THAT SH*T?

JUST BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO?

AND ANY TIME I BROUGHT IT UP, 
I WAS THE "ENEMY"
FOR JUST FKN BRINGING IT UP!

LIKE HE'D HAVE HAD A RIGHT TO BRING IT UP, 
TO ME, IF I LET SOMEONE ACT LIKE THAT... 

IF SOMEONE WAS TRYING TO DO THAT SH*T... 

But it's like this... Even if he KNEW I would (I won't)
but even IF he KNEW I'd let him back in my life... 

HE KNOWS IT WOULDN'T EVER BE
THE WAY IT COULD HAVE BEEN
BECAUSE OF HOW HE HANDLED IT. 

HOW HE HANDLED ME... 
WITH DISRESPECT. 

After ruining it. 

So whatever "narrative" he wants to "spin"... 
He can do that all he wants. I know he is. 

HE DID THAT SH*T WITH ME. 

ACTING LIKE HE WAS DONE WITH HER, 
COMING TOWARDS ME... 

TALKING TO ME ABOUT HER
LIKE HE'S TALKING ABOUT ME... 

NOT TALKING ABOUT HOW HE SLAMMED THE DOOR
RIGHT IN HIS OWN FACE... 

HE'LL SAY WHATEVER TO PAINT ME AS WHATEVER
MAKES HIMSELF LOOK "BETTER."

BUT HE WENT TO HER TO TRY TO HURT ME. 
NOT BECAUSE HE WANTED TO BE THERE. 

OR WHY WOULD HE HAVE BOTHERED
TALKING SH*T TO ME ABOUT HER? RIGHT?

FOR "SYMPATHY" FROM ME?
LIKE HE WANTS TO TRY TO GET FROM WHOEVER?

What I don't have the time for is anyone
who'd want to try to make me feel "unworthy."

AND PLAY GAMES. LIKE HE DOES.

Am I angry? I was. I really fkn was. 

I'm happy now that I pulled myself out of that "situation."

I WASN'T FKN HAPPY! WHY WOULD I BE?

LIFE'S TOO SHORT TO BE FKN MISERABLE. 

TO BE ANYONE'S FKN PUNCHING BAG. 

AND WAIT FOR SOMEONE TO FKN LEARN THINGS
THEY SHOULD ALREADY FKN KNOW... 

WHATEVER IT TAKES FOR HIM
TO NOT TO TRY TO COME BACK TO ME, THOUGH, LOL. 

But not having any more access to me
tends to p*ss people off. 

EVEN WHEN THEY HAVE THEMSELVES TO BLAME FOR THAT!

That female who keeps sending me links after stonewalling me, twice... 
She "liked" one of my pictures for the first time in over a year lol. 

STILL HASN'T SAID ANYTHING TO ME... 

BUT "LIKING" MY PICTURE MUST BE SOME SORT OF WAY
TO GET MY "ATTENTION."

WHICH SHE SEEMS TO WANT BACK.

WHEN SHE COULD JUST SAY SOMETHING?
"HEY, THINKING OF YOU. HOW ARE YOU?"

BUT FORCE PEOPLE TO "MOVE ON"
AND THEY WILL WHAT? MOVE ON!

ANYONE TRYING TO STOP ME? NO?

But she'll keep sending me links. Nothing else. 
And starting to "like" my pictures... 

BECAUSE SHE WANTS ME TO SEE THAT SHE DID. 
SHE WANTS ME TO LIKE HERS, PROBABLY. 
I HAVEN'T. 

HAVEN'T BEEN INTERACTING WITH HER. 
NOT MUCH SINCE THE LAST TIME I SAW HER. 

BUT WHEN PEOPLE KNOW IT WOULDN'T BE THE SAME, 
THEY KNOW IT WOULDN'T BE. 

EVEN IF THEY REGRET LETTING EVERYONE ELSE
"RUN THE SHOW"
WHEN IT CAME TO ME... 

INSTEAD OF WHAT? CHOOSING FOR THEMSELVES!
DOING WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN "RIGHT."

NOT BEING A SH*T. 
GIVING ME THE RESPECT I FKN DESERVED. 

THE RESPECT I GAVE. UNTIL I STOPPED
GIVING A SH*T. 

I ONLY STOPPED GIVING A SH*T
BECAUSE IT WAS SHOWN TO ME
THEY DIDN'T GAF.

WHICH I HAD ENOUGH OF. 
WOULDN'T YOU?

BUT WHAT THEY DON'T FKN SEE
WAS HOW IT WAS FOR ME. 

AND HOW IT WAS FOR ME, 
CAN EASILY BE HOW IT IS FOR THEM, NEXT.

AND WHEN SOMEONE ELSE
WAS ONLY TO GET A REACTION OUT OF ME... 

AND WASN'T ACTUALLY WANTED
OR WINNING FKN ANYTHING... 

THAT'D FKN HURT. 

SO WHY BE MAD?

It did sting to be treated like that... 
Especially when I never thought he'd be like that... 
To me... 

HE CAN BE A SH*T TO SOMEONE ELSE.

AND CAN JUST BE TF AWAY FROM ME.
SHE CAN TAKE MY PLACE AS THE PUNCHING BAG.
GLADLY.

Be. My. Guest.

I'm going to go help my friend, tomorrow. 
He's moving out of the city. 

Next month. 

Been helping him pack and stuff like that. 

Actually, wanted an excuse to help him clean. 

He gave me a bunch of clothes he doesn't want to take. 

I'm picking up more tomorrow. 

I have to wash it. It smells like smoke. 

A smoker doesn't smell it. 
I didn't smell it when I used to smoke. 

Any "fabric" in a smoker's home smells like smoke. 

Including furniture. 

I'm really liking one of the hoodies he gave me. 
I can't zip it up, though, the zipper's broken. 

I think he broke it, and tried to fix it, 
because the zipper pull part is upside down. 

Anyway, he's moving out there to be close to his grandchildren. 

I'll have some time to get a few things done, before I go. 
What I really want to do is get my form to work, again, 
I put a form in my sidebar of my other site. 

So far, I have a subscriber!
I made the form redirect to a vault page. 

Like giving them instant access for subscribing... 

I made a huge document about making plugins... 
It's filled with programming code
for all the functions it has... 

It's really fkn cool... 

It's just that I'm not a programmer or developer... 

While I'd love to build something like that... 

I'm afraid of breaking my site. 
By adding something that wasn't developed properly... 

Or trying to add it... 

I'm kinda comfortable with html and css... 

Javascript's a b*tch.

Php? Fuq dat sh*t... 
At least for now. 

I kinda need Php for building what I want to build. 

So I've been dragging my feet about it, 
but I started gathering the scripts for it... 

I've got like 75 steps already put into writing. 

What I'd have to do is join each part together, into one thing... 

All the snippets into one code block... 

There's some database stuff in there... Fuq dat sh*t too, for now.

I'm not a fan of that sh*t. 

Let's just say I barely have the patience for javascript. 

Anyway, I'm tired. Good night.

Adding Pages

I slept for a bit. Decent dreams. 

They were... A little "spicy."
Red light, green light lol. 

Anyway, I get a little, in my dreams lol. 

I'll probably try to sleep after writing this. 

I started working on my vault page. 

I made a download page to promote my stuff... 
And provide free downloads... 
My download buttons work and the PDFs download. 

I made a popup that triggers when a button's clicked. 
And the popup has a form on it connected to a Google Sheet. 

So I can collect names and email addresses from the form. 

There's another page I have to add the form to, 
but I'm not doing it tonight. 

I already did a bunch of things tonight. 

I did a homepage tonight. It took a while. 
I started two other pages so I won't have a lot to do on them. 
They've already been started. 
Mostly together, just need to do some design stuff. 
Add more links, some ads, and I'll be good to go. 

The worst thing is getting traffic, though. 

After that, though, I'll set up my blog on there. 

I'm not linking this one to that one, 
or that one to this one. 

I'm keeping them separate. 

I'm making progress, though, 
then I have my marijuana site to work on... 

And I found out that ChatGPT can write crochet patterns lol. 
So what kind of site do you think I'm going to build
after these ones are set up? I already have 2 domains
in that niche lol. Been sitting on them. 

Been sitting on a few, actually. 
More than a few. 

Got a few domains for other people, too. 

I've got some other projects in mind, too. 

And helping some people with theirs... 

But the goal will be to run ads on there. 
On the pages with the free stuff, 
and if I make any tools they can use on my site. 

I bought a domain with the intent on building a traffic site.

And maybe set it up so vendors can have affiliates on there... 
I don't know how to pull it off, but it would be cool if I could. 

To have my own safelist site... 
To make money on advertising... 

That would be ideal. 

Just tired. Like in my soul. 
Tired. Drained emotionally. 

Just starting to get back to myself. 

It just bugs me how AFTER I WARNED HIM
ABOUT THE POINT OF NO RETURN, 
HE STILL WENT AND TOOK IT TOO FAR. 

NO COMING BACK FROM THAT.

AVOIDING GROWTH. 
MATURITY. 

CAN'T TELL ME THAT IT WAS A 
"MISUNDERSTANDING." IT WASN'T. 

Warning him should have been enough, right?
HAD HE LISTENED TO ME THE FIRST TIME... 

FUNNY HOW HE WANTED MY ENERGY, 
TO WASTE MY TIME, ETC... 

AND GOT MAD THAT HE COULDN'T
GET OVER ON ME. 

COULDN'T MANIPULATE ME. 
COULDN'T GET WHAT HE WANTED
BY TRYING TO MANIPULATE ME. 

TRYING TO USE MY EMOTIONS
AGAINST ME. 

And calling him out "imasculated" him?
NO, OWN YOUR SH*T
LIKE A MAN. 
THAT'S IT. 
IF YOU CAN'T FKN DO THAT, 
WHAT ARE YOU? A MAN?

REFUSING TO OWN HIS, 
BUT EXPECTING ME TO OWN MINE. 

I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR COMPETITION
OR A BATTLE OF WITS AND WILLS. 

OR FOR FKN @BUSE. 
VERBALLY, EMOTIONALLY... 
FKN BETRAYAL. 

HE WAS WILLING TO GO THERE. 
WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT. 

AND EXPECTED ME TO KEEP "TRYING"?|
FOR HIM? DA FUQ?

FOR THAT SH*T?

SH*T I DON'T FKN DESERVE?

Wouldn't you be tired, too?
Wtf is that sh*t? Y'know?

IMAGINE TREATING SOMEONE LIKE THAT
AND EXPECTING THEM TO KEEP "TRYING"
AND KEEP BEING THERE?

I'm worth more than to be treated like that. 

IF HE WANTS TO BE A HEARTLESS D*CK, 
HE CAN GO BE ONE TO SOMEONE ELSE. 

ROLLED THE DICE, LOST ME. 

WHY WOULD I BE INTERESTED IN THAT?

I KEPT GIVING CHANCES FOR HIM TO FKN REDEEM HIMSELF
AND HE COULD HAVE SEEN THAT AND CHOSEN TO... 

BUT WHY DO THAT WHEN HE COULD
MAKE EXCUSES FOR BEING A D*CK?

And what he thinks is "immasculating"
IS CALLING OUT HIS BS. 

AND IF HE DIDN'T WANT ME TO DO THAT, 
MAYBE HE SHOULDN'T BE FULL OF SH*T. 

PROJECTING HIS EGO AND INSECURITIES. 

His insecurities have fk all to do with me. 
Just like mine have nothing to do with anyone else. 

Why blame mine on anyone?
Is it their fault?

BUT I GET BLAMED FOR THEIRS, RIGHT?

Whether it's jealous females or inconsiderate males... 

Maturity is hard to find, these days. 

SO WHY WASTE TIME LOOKING FOR SOMETHING
THAT FKN RARE?

IS IT GOING TO KNOCK AT MY DOOR?

JUST DROP OUT OF THE SKY? NO?

BUT I'VE SEEN ENOUGH... BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH. 

TIRED OF BEING LET DOWN, DISAPPOINTED, 
INTENTIONALLY HURT... 
MISLED... USED. 

But I get not wanting to GET or BE hurt. 
And if someone thinks I'd do that to them, 
they'd just push me away, right?!

But that doesn't excuse not getting to know me. 
TO REALIZE WHAT KIND OF PERSON I REALLY AM... 

BUT WHEN SOMEONE IS TOO IMMATURE
TO EVEN TALK WITH... 

And when I'm FINE WITHOUT ANYONE...
AND LETTING ANYONE IN IS A CHOICE... 

99% CAN JUST FK RIGHT OFF. 

Especially someone who acts like that
and thinks it's "cool" and "interesting."

"If I keep wasting the chances she gives me, 
she'll give me more chances..." Fuq dat. 

I don't want to give anyone that many chances ever again. 

He has to realize HE PUT ME WHERE HE PUT ME. 
AND HIM NOT LIKING IT, 
WELP, I'M HERE BECAUSE OF WHAT HE CHOSE. 

I DIDN'T CHOOSE IT. 

What was it that I wanted? Respect?
TO JUST BE FKN VALUED?
THAT'S IT?

DID I EVER HAVE MY HAND OUT FOR MONEY?

EVEN WHEN HE OWED ME MONEY?
STILL DOES, HASN'T PAID IT ALL BACK... 

IDGAF IF HE DOES OR NOT. 
HE HAD THE CHANCE TO. 

It's tiring. To try and try and try and try
FOR SOMEONE WHO ISN'T FKN TRYING FOR YOU. 
FOR THEMSELVES, EITHER. 

BUT MAYBE I WAS CALLING HIM OUT FOR A REASON. 
BECAUSE HE NEEDS TO SEE HIS OWN SH*T. 
HE NEEDS TO FKN OWN IT. 
WEAR IT EVEN. 

I get not wanting to be hurt, but that's an excuse. 
FOR FKN TRYING TO DESTROY SOMEONE LIKE ME. 
NOT A REASON!

YOU THINK I WANT TO BE HURT, EITHER?
YOU THINK I WANTED ANY BS?

But when someone's motivated by the wrong things
FOR THE WRONG REASONS, 
WHY SHOULD I BE ON BOARD WITH THAT? I'M NOT. 

SHOULDN'T EXPECT ME TO BE. 

But trying to fight me for no reason
IS TRYING TO FIGHT ME FOR NO REASON. 

EXCUSES AND FALSE BELIEFS AREN'T REASONS. 

Excuses and false beliefs are excuses and false beliefs. 

I offered him a new beginning. An out. A choice. 

BUT HOW MANY TIMES WAS HE WILLING TO
FKN BETRAY ME?

SO EXCUSE ME FOR TAKING MYSELF ELSEWHERE. 

And talking the talk is different from walking the walk. 
At the beginning, he talked a good game. 

THAT'S WHY I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING SOMEWHERE. 
ONLY TO REALIZE IT WASN'T. 

DISAPPOINTING. 

But how am I supposed to expect to ever get anything I wanted?
DID IT EVER MATTER WHAT I WANTED?

DOESN'T SEEM SO. 

And what did I want? The moon and the stars?
All the money in the world?

OR DID I JUST WANT SOME RESPECT?!

JUST THAT? WOW! TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR!
FROM ANYONE!

SO WHY FKN TRY FOR ANYONE ANYMORE?
FOR BS? NO THANKS. 

I guess it still bothers me. A lot. 

But that's what HE chose. 
Did I choose to do that sh*t to him?

WHY WOULD I ROLL THE DICE LIKE THAT?
TO LOSE?

WHAT DID I LOSE? DISRESPECT? BS?
I CALL THAT A WIN!

I'm not going to co-sign anyone's bs. 
OR KEEP ALLOWING IT. 

AND WHEN SOMEONE'S INDIFFERENT TO THEIR BS... 
HOW AM I TO EXPECT THEM 
TO GET THEIR HEAD OUT OF THEIR @SS?

I USED TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR MY SH*T. 

UNTIL I REALIZED THAT NEVER GOT ME ANYWHERE. 
IT WAS IMMATURE. 
GROSS EVEN. 

NOBODY WANTED TO DEAL WITH MY BS. 
NEITHER DID I. 

But if someone's so closed minded that they can't
EVEN THINK ABOUT THAT
OR THEIR BS...

TO TRY TO ATTACK ANYONE WHO TELLS THEM
"LOOK, YOUR BS IS TOO MUCH FOR ME.
FK OFF WITH YOUR BS."

All of that BS reflects insecurities. 

Can't manipulate me to get what you want, though. 
I'm not fkn here for that sh*t. 

And he wanted to be envied. 
HOW IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO ENVY THAT?

MAYBE IF HE GOT HIS HEAD OUT OF HIS @SS... 

MAYBE THAT'D BE SOMETHING TO ENVY.

I wasn't trying to have control over him. 
I WANTED HIM TO CONTROL HIMSELF. 

I WANTED HIM TO WANT TO CHOOSE BETTER
FOR HIMSELF. 

AND TO BE RESPECTED AND TREATED WELL. FFS.

Some Things I Wished For...

What if I had grabbed my ex by the wrists?
To try to control him?
How would he feel about that?
About me thinking I had the right to just do that?

He let go of one wrist to punch me in the head.

AND HAD I THOUGHT I HAD THE RIGHT
TO JUST PUNCH HIM BACK?

IF HE PUNCHED ME MORE THAN ONCE, 
I MIGHT HAVE.

BUT HAD I PUNCHED HIM, EVEN ONCE?

EVEN AFTER HE PUNCHED ME?

I don't hate the guy.
I hope he does move on. 

I hope he meets someone nice. 
Who never tries to speak to me. 

Not because I'd be jealous... 
Just have no need to. 

And if she's that type, 
obviously, why would I want her to?

Like would she read my blog, too?
Instead of just moving on, with him?

And staying out of my life?
Like I'd stay out of hers?
Theirs?

Just saying I hope he meets someone nice. 
Someone closer to him. 

Someone he'd try to understand. 

Who he won't be lazy with or hit, ever. 

Like I never thought he'd ever hit me. 
Let alone punch me. 

I was hoping he was more mature than that. 

But we were in our early 30s... 

No excuse, but sometimes it takes longer
to realize some things... 

And when some people are used to only thinking
ABOUT WHAT THEY WANT
OFTEN, THEY DON'T THINK TOO MUCH
ABOUT WHAT SOMEONE ELSE WANTS... 

LIKE NOT TO BE GRABBED BY THE WRISTS
AGAINST MY WILL. 

HAVE MY WILL TAKEN FROM ME?

I HAD MY WILL TAKEN FROM ME
TOO MANY TIMES IN MY LIFE. 

WHO'D WANT THAT?
WOULD HE?

So if I'd done that, I'd expect him
to be angry for having his will taken from him
by grabbing him by the wrists... 

LIKE HE COULD HAVE REALIZED I WOULD BE. 

WHICH IS WHY MIRROR SMASHER WAS P*SSED
FOR PUTTING HIM IN AN ARMLOCK
TO MAKE HIM DROP A NEEDLE
HE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BRING
INTO MY HOME
BECAUSE I TOLD HIM NOT TO
BEFORE HE CAME. 

BUT DID HE EVER CARE
ABOUT WHAT I WANTED?
LIKE NOT TO HAVE THAT SH*T 
IN MY HOME, PERIOD?

PUTTING HIM IN AN ARMLOCK
TO MAKE HIM DROP THAT NEEDLE
WAS ME DOING WHATEVER I COULD THINK OF
TO POTENTIALLY SAVE HIS LIFE. 

BECAUSE I CARED ENOUGH TO WANT TO.

I CARE IF HE LIVES OR DIES, STILL. 

I'D FKN DO IT AGAIN. 
TO TRY TO SAVE HIM FROM HIMSELF. 
EVEN THOUGH THAT'S NOT MY FKN JOB. 

AND WOULD HE HAVE DONE THE SAME FOR ME?
FK NO! 

WHAT WAS HE WILLING TO DO FOR ME?
STOP INSULTING ME?
STOP PLAYING GAMES?
STOP BEING AN @SSHAT?

WHAT WAS HE WILLING TO DO FOR HIS OWN SAKE?
NOT BRING NEEDLES TO MY HOME?

THAT WAS AS MUCH FOR HIM AS IT WAS FOR ME... 

But what am I willing to do for myself?
Now that I'm not doing ANYTHING for him anymore?

AND WHY WAS I DOING ANYTHING FOR HIM? AT ALL?
I WISH HE'D FIGURED THAT OUT!
LISTENED TO ME WHEN I TOLD HIM!

UNDERSTOOD! FINALLY!

The Things She Doesn't Say

Well, I brought my son with me to see my folks. 
THEY HAVE HAD VERY LITTLE TO DO
WITH MY SON FOR YEARS.

NO HAPPY BIRTHDAY, 
MERRY CHRISTMAS... 

NOTHING.

So yeah, probably was awkward, for him. 

And I talked to my mother on the phone, yesterday... 

"What was he on?" 
Because she says he wasn't making eye contact etc.

I RARELY DO, TOO.
DOESN'T MEAN I'M ON ANYTHING... 

So I told my mom my son has mental health issues
AND HEALTH ISSUES... 

But I also said:
"You haven't seen my kid in YEARS and the first thing you say
IS WHAT WAS HE ON?"

AND JUST BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT HE WAS
DOESN'T MEAN THAT HE WAS!!!!!

IT JUST FKN BUGGED ME.

CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE?!
JUST "WHAT WAS HE ON?"?!

GEE, THANKS, MOM!

AND THIS IS WHY WE AREN'T "CLOSE."

AND OF ALL THE THINGS THAT COMES OUT 
OF HER MOUTH, 

THERE ARE THINGS SHE THINKS
AND DOESN'T SAY, I'M SURE.

She's my mother, I love her....
BUT DA FUQ, MOM!

CAN'T YOU JUST SAY SOMETHING
LIKE: IT WAS NICE TO SEE YOU BOTH... 

SOMETHING FKN NICE?!
FOR FKN ONCE?!

Something nice... WOULD BE NICE!!!!

Just would be nice. For once. 

BUT I NEVER GET THAT.
JUST THAT.

IT FKN BUGS ME.

So when I see my son, 
I tell him I love him. 
I tell him it's nice to see him. 
I thank him for spending time with me. 

Imagine if I was all like "What are you on?"
When he's not "on" anything?

LIKE WHEN MY STEPFATHER TOLD ME
TO STOP BEING ANXIOUS

BECAUSE I TRIED TALKING TO HIM
AND APPARENTLY I KEPT
REPEATING MYSELF
BECAUSE I ONLY GOT 6 CHANCES
TO EVEN FKN SAY ANYTHING.

EVERY "CONVO" IS ABOUT
WHAT HE WANTS TO SAY.

HE DOESN'T FKN LET ANYONE
SAY FKN ANYTHING.

SO THERE'S NO POINT TALKING.
OR TRYING TO TALK.

SO I DON'T ANYMORE.

IT P*SSES ME OFF.

MY FOLKS DGAF ABOUT
WHAT I HAVE TO SAY, HOW I FEEL, 
ABOUT FKN ANYTHING

SO THERE IS NO POINT.

SO I DON'T FKN TRY ANYMORE.

WHERE DID TRYING GET ME? WITH THEM?
ANYWHERE?
OR NOWHERE?

So it bugs me. 

Imagine your whole life trying until you just...
SEE THAT THERE IS NO POINT?

NOTHING WILL CHANGE?
OR BE ANY BETTER?

BECAUSE THEY DGAF AND NEVER DID?

BECAUSE IF THEY DID... 
THEY'D HAVE BEEN TRYING TOO!!!!

TRYING TO UNDERSTAND ME.
TRYING TO ACTUALLY CARE!!!

NOT ABOUT THEIR STUPIDITY.
ABOUT ME.
ABOUT THEIR GRANDCHILD.

It still kinda bugs me
SEEING PEOPLE WHO HAVE ACTUAL FAMILY.
WHO SHOW UP FOR THEM.

IN EVERY LITTLE WAY.

NEVER HAD THAT.
PROBABLY NEVER WILL.

I GET SH*T LIKE 
"WHAT WAS HE ON?"

WTF ARE YOU ON, MOM?

SERIOUSLY, THOUGH!

And I used to ask myself WHY couldn't I have
An actual family?

NOT A BUNCH OF PEOPLE I'M RELATED TO?

But for everything she DOES say, 
there's sh*t she doesn't.


Sh*t must be going on, in her mind, 
for her to do what she does and say what she DOES say.

We're so fkn different, her and I.

Maybe, I'm more like my father. 
How would I know? LOL.

Anyway, I get vibes from my mom, often, 
that I don't like. I've accepted it, but don't have to like it.

LIKE WHEN WE WENT TO THE CASINO
WITH MY GRANDMOTHER
AND WE JUST GOT THERE
AND THE FIRST MACHINE, I WON.

SO I WAS HAPPY, AND MY MOM
COULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY FOR ME, 
BUT SHE BOPPED ME IN THE HEAD
JUST FOR WINNING
BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T. 

WASN'T HARD ENOUGH TO HURT, 
BUT SHE COULD HAVE JUST BEEN HAPPY FOR ME!

SHE WAS JUST MAD THAT SHE DIDN'T WIN.

BUT IMAGINE? BEING JEALOUS LIKE THAT?
INSTEAD OF JUST BEING FKN HAPPY FOR THEM?

I mean, there's a show I've watched... 
Called "Secret Millionaire."

I've been so fkn happy for people on that show
THAT I FKN CRIED. HARD.

AND MY MOM WAS LIKE:
"NOBODY'S GIVING ME MONEY."

I DON'T WATCH IT WITH HER ANYMORE.
SHE DOESN'T GET IT. OR ME.

The point is that she could have just been happy.

I CRIED BECAUSE I WAS HAPPY.

I CRIED, IN FRONT OF SOMEONE, 
WHEN I WAS REALLY THANKFUL...

AND HE DIDN'T GET IT.

WHEN PEOPLE ARE USED TO GETTING
EVERYTHING, THEY DON'T FKN APPRECIATE IT.

NOT TO KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE, I GUESS.
SO THANKFUL YOU ACTUALLY CRY.

HOW CAN YOU EXPLAIN THAT?
TO SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T GET IT?

WHO MIGHT NOT, EVER, GET IT.
EVEN IF I TRIED TO EXPLAIN IT...
WOULD THEY LISTEN?

OR WOULD I JUST BE
"REPEATING MYSELF"

But I'm tired of keeping myself "small"
because people get "upset"
whenever I'm feeling better than I did... 

BEING GHOSTED, THOUGH, 
MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I MIGHT HAVE
DODGED BULLETS.

MORE THAN ONCE, TOO... 
AFTER GIVING THEM ANOTHER CHANCE?

A CHANCE TO "HATE" ME FOR BEING MYSELF?
WHEN I'VE KEPT MYSELF "SMALL"
JUST SO OTHERS CAN FEEL "COMFORTABLE"
WITH THEMSELVES... 

MOST WHO TRY TO PROVOKE ME
ARE JUST TRYING TO "TRAP" ME
IN AN "IDENTITY" THAT'S NOT MINE.
NOT WHO I AM. 

WHEN THEY CAN GET AN ARISE, 
THAT ARISE CAN HAVE CONSEQUENCES... 

AND WHEN THEY WANT YOU TO REACT
BECAUSE THEY INTEND TO USE IT
AGAINST YOU...

WHY PLAY THAT GAME?

I COULD BE DOING THAT BS, TO THEM?
BUT WHAT WOULD I GET OUT OF IT?
"SATISFACTION" OR SOMETHING ELSE?

Like my ex did... Tried provoking me... 
AND WHEN I REACTED
HE PUNCHED ME IN THE HEAD
FOR REACTING. 

AND AFTER WE BROKE UP, 
HE WANTED TO "FIGHT" ME
IN THE COMMENTS ON MY BLOG... 
UNTIL I DELETED THE POST.

WHEN HE COULD HAVE JUST
LEFT ME ALONE AFTER "FLEEING"
AFTER PUNCHING ME IN THE HEAD?

AND MOVED ON?

INSTEAD OF DOING THAT?
INSTEAD OF BLAMING ME
FOR NOT WANTING THAT?

But he wanted to "fight" me in the comments
BECAUSE HE WANTED ME TO REACT
TO HIS COMMENTS... 
OR WHY TRY TO FIGHT ME? AGAIN?

And if he's STILL reading my blog, 
I don't care what he has to say about that.

If he tries to fight me again, in the comments, 
I don't need to give him a reaction. 

But why don't I gaf about that?
Because I don't. He had the choice.

That's what he chose to do.

So should I feel bad that he made the "mistake"?

Mistakes are still based on choices, 
or people wouldn't make them. 
Would they?

I can hope for good outcomes for him. 
As much as I'm disappointed in how things
turned out between him and I... 

I am happy to have the time and space
that I have now, to get myself together, for me. 
Not for anyone. For myself.
I owe it to myself and have owed that for a long time. 
But, I guess I forget sometimes... 

I was going to say that I forgot who I was... On my own... 
Without being anyone's girlfriend.

Without being someone's expectations, or trying to be... 

UNTIL I WANT VERY FKN LITTLE
LIKE THE VERY FKN LEAST THEY COULD DO
FOR ME... 

AND THAT'S ASKING AND WANTING TOO MUCH
FROM ANYONE.

ALWAYS.

BUT WHENEVER I'M FEEL BETTER, 
EVEN OPTIMISTIC... 

PEOPLE WANT TO BE UPSET?
THAT I'M FOCUSED ON MYSELF, 
NOT THEM?

AFTER MAKING IT ABOUT THEM... 
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY WANTED... 
DIDN'T CARE WHAT I WANTED... 

LIKE NOT TO JUST BE WATCHED WORKING
WHEN WE WERE BOTH SUPPOSED TO BE
AND HOW IS THAT FAIR TO ME?

TO BE EXPECTED TO DO MY JOB... 
WITH SOMEONE JUST SITTING THERE
WATCHING ME?

AND DOING IT AT HOME... 
LIKE I WAS THE ONE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING IT ALL. 

AND JUST BECAUSE I WAS DOING IT ALL
BEFORE HE GOT THERE
DOESN'T MEAN HE COULDN'T HAVE
OFFERED TO HELP OUT
WITH CHORES.

INSTEAD OF EXPECTING ME TO DO IT ALL. 

WHILE HE DID WHAT HE WANTED TO DO.

One of my "pet peeves," I guess you could say.

AND CHEWING. 

For whatever reason, it bugs me, that sound. 

If I'm on the bus and anyone behind me, 
the seat right behind me, is making
"mouth noises" I just gotta move. 

BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE IT'S
RIGHT IN MY EAR. 

When my ex and I had dinner together, 
I turned on the stereo "to listen to music while we ate."
Because due to having difficulty breathing through his nose, 
which isn't his fault, 
he had to chew with his mouth open. 
I could hear him chewing. 

So I put on some music, to listen to it. 
Over his chewing. 

And I could never figure out why that sound
has gotten to me so much over the years. 

1) It's just a sound. 
2) It doesn't have to bother me

But the literal discomfort when I hear it... 
It even makes my body react. 

If you get it, you get it. 
If you don't, you don't. 

Just saying. 

Anyway, I think I'm running out of things to say. 
I tend to feel better after writing, though. 

There was something I saw, yesterday: 

If your mind is full, write. 
If your mind is empty, read. 
If your mind is racing, walk. 
If your mind is tired, sleep. 
If your mind is focused, build. 

When we have "control" over our minds... 

1) We don't "self-sabotage"
2) We can focus long enough to build. 

Can't really help getting tired, though. 
Tired in general. 

Physically, emotionally, psychologically... 
Not just mentally.. 

Tired of others not considering me, often. 
Not treating me as though I mean something to them. 

BUT SHOULDN'T MATTERING TO MYSELF
MATTER?

BECAUSE I THINK IT SHOULD!