Rice For Days

Well, I went to a potluck thing yesterday. 
I made rice for it. A lot of rice. 6 cups of rice...
It expands to be like 12 lol.

So I made a lot more than needed. 

I guess I was thinking: "Better too much than not enough."

It was a nice little thing. 

The leader was talking with me. 
She had asked why my son was in the hospital. 
So I said it was to do with his medication. 
Because they put him on new meds. 
She asked what the meds were for. I told her. 

I hope I don't regret telling her.

The way she's been to me, I really hope I don't. 

Like when she asked me to help S with the website for the group.
AND AFTER MEETING WITH S ONCE TO WORK ON IT, 
S JUST TOOK IT OVER
WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT IT TO ME, 
AND THEY GAVE ME A TINY BIT OF CREDIT FOR IT
EVEN THOUGH SHE DID IT WITHOUT ME. 
AFTER ASKING ME TO HELP WITH IT. 

STUFF LIKE THAT.

Then she asked me to help her do something for the site
THAT I HADN'T DONE BEFORE
SO I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT
AND SHE GOT MAD THAT I WOULDN'T
BECAUSE I LITERALLY TOLD HER I COULDN'T.

THINGS LIKE THAT. 

I TEND TO FKN REGRET TELLING ANYONE ANYTHING. 
ESPECIALLY PERSONAL THINGS. 

They try to act like: "You can tell me... But you don't have to..."

Then I tell them, then they talk and tell everyone. 
NOT ONLY DO THEY TELL EVERYONE, 
BUT SOMETIMES THEY USE IT AGAINST ME SOMEHOW. 

AND I SHOULD KNOW BETTER THINKING
THAT I COULD TELL THEM... 

SURE, I COULD, BUT "COULD 1 REALLY"?

THEY SAY THAT BECAUSE THEY ARE FKN NOSEY... 
THEY WANT TO KNOW!
AND THERE'S A REASON!

OTHERWISE? IT'S NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS! 
SO WHY ASK ABOUT IT?
WHY: "YOU CAN TELL ME..."?
BECAUSE THEY WANT TO KNOW!
FOR A REASON! 

Or they would realize:
THAT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS. 
THEY WOULDN'T ASK ABOUT IT
AND WOULDN'T BE LIKE:
"YOU CAN TELL ME."

IF YOU COULD TELL THEM, 
THEY'D JUST LET YOU TELL THEM. 
THEY WOULDN'T SAY THAT
TO FKN TRY TO CONVINCE YOU OR SOMETHING. 

Kind of creepy that she said it...

Like she wanted to know bad enough to say it. 
To try to seem like I could trust her. 

Could I trust her about something simple
like the website?

Could I trust her not to be that way with me?

AND IS SHE LIKE THAT TO ANYONE
SHE CONSIDERS AN EQUAL?

JUST TO ME BECAUSE SHE LOOKS AT ME
LIKE I'M LOWER THAN HER.

OTHERWISE SHE WOULDN'T DO IT. 

SHE'S THE LEADER. 
EVERYONE ELSE IS A MEMBER. 

SHE WANTS IT SO THAT NOBODY FORGETS IT. 
ESPECIALLY ME. 

AND IF I WAS AS WEALTHY AS THE OTHERS...
WOULD SHE BE LIKE THAT?
PROBABLY NOT!

BUT SOMEHOW I DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT?

LIKE I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH TO WORK ON THE SITE
WITH S LIKE I WAS ASKED TO DO... 
SHE WENT AHEAD AND DID IT ALL
AFTER MEETING WITH ME ONCE. 
WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING TO ME ABOUT IT. 

ALL OF A SUDDEN THERE WAS AN ANNOUNCEMENT
THAT THE SITE WAS DONE (WITHOUT ME).
THANKS FOR TELLING ME YOU WERE JUST GOING TO
GO AHEAD AND DO IT... 

AND FOR WASTING MY TIME ASKING ME.

It bugs me because WHY ASK ME AT ALL
AND HAVE ME COME OVER LIKE YOU WANTED
MY HELP
AND JUST TURN AROUND AND DO THAT?!

WHY FKN DO IT? JUST TO DO THAT?

OR BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO "TEST" ME?

"LET'S SEE IF SHE CAN DO IT. IF SHE CAN'T, I WILL."

IF THEY WERE USING WORDPRESS, YEAH. 
THEY WANTED TO USE GOOGLE SITES. 
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE EASY TO USE, 
BUT WORDPRESS, ELEMENTOR'S BETTER. 

They don't have a domain, it has a subdomain. 

They spend all their money on fancy vacations
TO BRAG ABOUT TO EVERYONE
BUT CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO ACTUALLY
GET A DOMAIN
SINCE THEY WANT TO HAVE AN ACTUAL SITE... 
THEY SHOULD HAVE A DOMAIN. 
SO PEOPLE CAN ACTUALLY FIND THE SITE. 

But I stopped trying to help and they probably won't ask me again. 

Like last year, they were talking about some fundraising event thing
THAT THEY WERE DOING AROUND CHRISTMAS. 

AND BECAUSE THEY HADN'T ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO
BE INVOLVED IN IT... 

I SAID: "IF YOU WOULD LIKE ME TO HELP OUT NEXT YEAR, 
JUST LET ME KNOW..."

AND AGAIN, THIS YEAR, THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT IT. 
LIKE IT'S THEIR THING AND I WASN'T INVITED, AGAIN. 

SO THIS YEAR I DIDN'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT BEING INVOLVED. 

BECAUSE IF THEY WANTED ME TO BE, 
THEY WOULD HAVE INVITED ME TO BE INVOLVED. 

IF THEY CAN ONLY "TOLERATE" ME FOR THE MEETINGS,
I CAN DO THE SAME. 

IT BUGS ME WHEN PEOPLE WHO COULD INCLUDE ME
DON'T INCLUDE ME AND PRETEND LIKE THEY INCLUDE EVERYONE. 

LIKE IT'S "KIND" FOR THEM TO LET ME COME TO MEETINGS. 
IN THEIR GROUP. 

I don't like being treated like that. I don't. 

WOULD YOU? WOULD THEY?

I don't HAVE TO put myself OUT THERE
to be treated like that. Y'know?

By anyone.

To be available to be given "credit"
FOR WORK I WASN'T ALLOWED TO DO ON THE SITE
BECAUSE I SHOWED UP WHEN ASKED ONCE
BEFORE THEY WENT BEHIND MY BACK
WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING TO ME ABOUT IT. 

AND THAT THING ABOUT THE TAG. 

I wrote about it when it happened,
but I forgot the exact words right now. 

I know I wrote about it after it happened 
BECAUSE IT WAS A WEIRD THING TO DO. 

I DON'T SEE HER ACTING LIKE THAT
WITH ANYONE ELSE IN THE GROUP. 

PROBABLY BECAUSE SHE WOULDN'T FKN DARE TO. 

SHE'D BE EMBARRASSED IF THEY CALLED HER OUT. 
BUT THINKS IT IS OKAY TO DO TO ME. 

BECAUSE I MUST BE TOO "STUPID"
TO REALIZE SHE'S DOING IT OR WHY. 

So she was like: "Is he up to it?"
About my son going back to school. 

Maybe he is, maybe not. 
BUT IF HE WANTS TO GO FOR IT
WHO AM I TO "DECIDE" THAT FOR HIM?

IT'D BE LIKE SOMEONE TRYING TO DECIDE
IF I'M UP FOR SOMETHING OR NOT... 

LIKE HOW THEY DECIDED ABOUT THE WEBSITE. 
WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING TO ME ABOUT IT. 

Yes, I'm younger than them
BUT I AM AN ADULT SO THEY COULD TREAT ME LIKE ONE. 

ONE MEMBER LIKE WAS LISTENING TO ME TALKING, 
TO SOMEONE ELSE
AND WOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING TO ME AT ALL. 

SHE WAS THE ONE TALKING TO THE HOST ABOUT THE THINGS
THEY DIDN'T INVOLVE ME IN
THE THINGS FROM LAST YEAR
THAT I SAID I WOULD HELP OUT WITH
THIS YEAR. 

BUT I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT
THIS YEAR
BECAUSE THEY WON'T INVOLVE ME AT ALL. 
IN ANYTHING THEY ARE. 

THAT'S OKAY. THEY DON'T HAVE TO. 
THEY DON'T. 

But it bugs me that when I've already shown an interest in it
AND I SAID I WOULD HELP
AND THEY COULD HAVE JUST LET ME.
EVEN TO "TEST" ME SINCE THEY SEEM TO LIKE TO DO THAT... 

But I just won't fkn bother anymore and let them
take whatever credit for themselves that they want. 

It wasn't about getting any credit for it. 
It was about being involved in it, too. 

AND NOW I DON'T REALLY WANT TO BE
BECAUSE THEY COULD HAVE
AND CHOSE NOT TO. 

And I don't HAVE TO do anything for or with them. 
BUT EVEN WHEN I MADE MYSELF AVAILABLE
I GOT TREATED LIKE THAT. 

So why make myself available to be treated like that?

When you treat people like that, it comes back. 
Always. 
In ways nobody likes. 
So why do that?

IF YOU GO "TOO FAR"
THERE'S NO GOING BACK FROM THAT.
SO WHY GO "THERE"?
JUST TO BE A POS?

TO THE POINT SOMEONE
DOESN'T GAF ABOUT BEING "ACCEPTED"
BY A POS?

AND IF I EVER GET AN APOLOGY, 
IT'S NOT BECAUSE THEY WERE WRONG, 
IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS RIGHT. 

IF THEY WERE WRONG, IN THEIR MIND, 
THEY WOULDN'T HAVE GONE "THERE."

BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN WRONG TO DO IT. 
SO WHY DO IT?

BUT WHY WOULD I WANT TO HEAR THE EXCUSES
AS TO WHY THEY WOULD DO THAT SH*T?
TO SOMEONE WHO WOULDN'T DO THAT SH*T TO THEM. 

I don't want to give my time and energy
TO ANYONE WHO DOESN'T RESPECT IT. 

WHO ASKS ME TO DO SOMETHING
AS A FAVOR
AND TURNS AROUND WITHOUT SAYING
ANYTHING TO ME
AND DOES IT THEMSELVES
WITHOUT ME
AFTER ASKING ME. 

SO WHEN I AM ASKED, 
I GOT TREATED LIKE THAT. 

AND IF I LEFT THE GROUP, 
ON MY OWN, THEY'D TALK ABOUT ME.
BECAUSE THEY DO WHEN I'M NOT THERE. 

I'VE HEARD THEM TALKING ABOUT OTHERS, TOO. 

What anyone tries to put on my life... Any "down fall"
THEY WANTED FOR ME
BECOMES THEIR OWN. 
IT BOOMERANGS BACK. 

When I was a kid, I really wanted a boomerang. 
When I got one, I brought it to school.
I threw it once. It landed on the roof of one of the "portables."
And I never got it back. 

Anyway... Story of my life. 

So yeah... 

But whatever... 

I wouldn't be like that. 
Not just because it comes back... 

Besides that, it's gross to be that kind of person. 
PRETENDING TO BE SOMETHING YOU ARE NOT. 

IF YOU AREN'T ACTUALLY INCLUSIVE
DON'T TRY TO PRETEND TO BE. 

DON'T ASK FOR SOMEONE TO HELP YOU
AS A FAVOR
AND TURN AROUND AND DO THAT TO THEM!

IF YOU WANT MY HELP, GROW ENOUGH
TO WHERE YOU WOULDN'T TREAT ME LIKE THAT.

WOULD THEY WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT?
INCLUDED ONLY TO BE UNINCLUDED?
WHY INCLUDE ME AT ALL, THEN?
JUST TO DO THAT?

Like that chick who asked me if I wanted to get a coffee with her
and another girl came along with us. 
And I'm glad she did. 

Because that chick took off before we got the coffee. 

IT BUGS ME WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT SH*T.

I've only bounced when people gave me bad or weird vibes. 
AND I DON'T DO IT INTENTIONALLY, IF I DO IT. 

BUT THOSE I GOT THE "OFF" STUFF
MAYBE WEREN'T DOING IT INTENTIONALLY, EITHER. 
IF THEY HAD BAD INTENTIONS, 
THEY'D HAVE WANTED TO HIDE IT. 

MY SOUL LIKE SCREAMS AT ME TO GTFO
IF I FEEL SOMETHING. 

LISTENING TO IT COULD HAVE AND MIGHT HAVE
SAVED MY LIFE, 
MORE THAN ONCE. 

Anyway, I'm doing alright with this new thing I started. 
I'm liking it so far. 

I got another email from the guy about his refund. 
He contacted someone in the company
and told me to call him. 

So I'm going to have to do that.
WHY DO PEOPLE EXPECT SO DAMN MUCH
FROM ME?
TO DO EVERYTHING FOR THEM?
NOT JUST DO IT THEMSELVES?
AND JUST EXPECT ME
TO DO IT FOR THEM?

LIKE I HAVE NOTHING ELSE GOING ON?

WHAT IF I HAD A CRISIS?
HE'D STILL EXPECT ME TO HANDLE HIS SH*T FOR HIM!!!!
WHY WOULD HE GAF ABOUT ANYONE
OTHER THAN HIMSELF?
AND EVERYTHING HE WANTS?

FK EVERYONE ELSE!

WHEN WHAT I WANT IS FOR HIM TO HANDLE
HIS OWN SH*T
AND NOT EXPECT ME TO DO EVERYTHING FOR HIM!
IS HE PAYING ME TO HANDLE HIS SH*T? NO?

PEOPLE JUST FKN EXPECT XYZ FROM ME!
THAT BUGS ME. 

After I talk to the guy for him, I just don't want
anything more to do with the guy. 

I should have already blocked him. 
FK HIM, FK HIS BS, FK HIS REFUND. 
FK HIS EXPECTATIONS. 
FK WHAT HE WANTS. 

YET I WILL CALL THE GUY HE ASKED ME TO CALL, 
GIVE HIM ALL THE INFO
AND THAT'S IT FOR ME. 
NOTHING MORE. 

BECAUSE I REALLY DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING. 
I GAVE HIM ALL THE INFO
TO HANDLE IT HIMSELF
AND TOLD HIM MANY TIMES
THAT IT IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY
WHICH MEANS HE SHOULD NOT EXPECT ME
TO FKN HELP HIM FURTHER. 

THIS SHOULD BE UP TO HIM TO SORT OUT. 
NOT PUT ON ME. 

LIKE I NEED ANOTHER HASSLE FFS. 

And when I contact the guy to give him the info, 
I'll tell him why I don't want to be involved any further. 

The dude just wants his refund and that has fk all to do with me. 

HE'S PUTTING IT ON ME TO HANDLE FOR HIM. 
IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM. 

AND AFTER THAT CALL, 
I WANT NOTHING MORE TO DO WITH HIM
OR WITH THIS AND THAT IS FINAL. 

OR WITH DEALING WITH CLIENTS
WHO APPARENTLY DON'T REALIZE
THAT I HAVE A LIFE OF MY OWN
AND NOT EVERYTHING'S ABOUT THEM
AND WHAT THEY WANT FROM ME. 
ALL THE FKN TIME!!!!

Like how many times do I need to say:
"DEAL WITH THIS YOURSELF!
I AM NOT YOUR PERSONAL ASSISTANT!"
"THIS IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, NOT MINE!"

AND EVEN AFTER SAYING THAT:
I STILL GET EXPECTATIONS PUT ON ME
AS THOUGH I NEVER FKN SAID IT!
SO WHAT DOES IT MATTER THAT I DID?!
DID THEY "HEAR" ME?
WHEN I SAID IT?

OR DO THEY STILL WANT WHAT THEY WANT
AND TREAT ME LIKE I FKN OWE IT TO THEM
TO DO XYZ FOR THEM
WHEN I REALLY FKN DON'T?!

And then they take for granted
THAT I'M STILL BEING FKN NICE ABOUT IT!
BUT THAT IS AS FAR AS IT GOES!

I WANT NOTHING MORE TO DO WITH THIS!
AND I SHOULDN'T FKN BE EXPECTED
TO DO FK ALL!
BUT ALWAYS MORE AND MORE AND MORE
UNTIL EVERYONE GETS WHAT THEY WANT
WHEN IT NEVER MATTERED WHAT I WANTED:

HEAR ME WHEN I SAY:
"THIS IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY!"

And stop trying to stress me out with hassling me
about something that isn't my responsibility!!!

SHOULD I HARRASS YOU ABOUT SOMETHING
THAT IS MY RESPONSIBILITY?

AND EXPECT YOU TO GO ABOVE AND BEYOND FOR ME?

AFTER WASTING MONTHS OF YOUR TIME?
AND WANTING MORE AND MORE
AND CROSSING LINES
THAT HE SHOULD HAVE RESPECTED ME
ENOUGH NOT TO CROSS?

Yet he expects me to make a call for him... 
AND SORT OUT HIS FKN REFUND. 
FOR HIM. 

AFTER ALL OF THIS SH*T. 

AM I MEANS TO EVERYTHING EVERYONE WANTS? NO!

JUST BECAUSE HE WANTS IT TO BE EASY FOR HIM
TO HAVE ME HANDLE IT FOR HIM. 

AND ONCE I DO, I DON'T WANT HIM TO CONTACT ME AGAIN. 
HE'LL HAVE NO REASON TO. 

I AM NOT HIS ASSISTANT. 

Just aggravates me. Each time I get a message from someone... 
It's just another bunch of steps backwards... 

Or each time I try to do something... 
Nothing that should be a lot fkn easier... 
BY NATURE OF THE THING... 
SEEMS TO BE AS EASY AS IT COULD/SHOULD BE. 

IT FKN AGGRAVATES THE FK OUT OF ME!

IT ONLY SHOULD HAVE TAKEN:
CONTACTING THEM THE FIRST TIME THAT I DID
TO TELL THEM WHAT HAPPENED
AND TO GIVE THEM THE INFO ONCE
FOR THEM TO PROCESS THE REFUND. 

LEAVING ME OUT OF IT, THE REST OF IT, 
FROM THERE. 

BUT THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN. 

AND HAD THE GUY ON MY @SS ABOUT IT. 
CONSTANTLY. 
BEING A PAIN IN MY @SS ABOUT IT. 

WHEN I COULD TELL HIM TO FK RIGHT OFF...
AFTER WHAT HE PULLED... 
SHOWING ME HIS DK.... 

WHICH MOST PEOPLE WOULD DO... 

I'm still being "nice" about it. 

BUT AFTER THAT I DO NO WANT ANYTHING MORE TO DO
WITH THAT GUY. 

AND FK HAVING ANY CLIENTS
IF ANY OF THEM COULD ACT LIKE THAT FFS.

HAD ENOUGH. RUINED IT FOR ME. 

Why couldn't he have NOT DONE ANY OF THOSE THINGS?
WHY COULDN'T HE HAVE JUST
RESPECTED ME ENOUGH, 
AS A PERSON, NOT TO DO THAT SH*T?

He could have! I respected HIM enough not to do that sh*t!
He would have liked it, had I... 
That's besides the point. 

I respected him enough not to try to make him
feel fkn uncomfortable or not respected. 

TRIED TO KEEP IT PROFESSIONAL, 
WHICH HE DID NOT. 

Shouldn't have been that hard to keep it about
what it was supposed to be about. 

AND I DON'T EVEN WANT TO MAKE THAT CALL
TO THAT GUY FROM THE COMPANY
HE WANTS ME TO CALL FOR HIM.

BECAUSE I WANT TO PROVE TO HIM
HE CAN'T JUST "MAKE ME DO"
WHAT HE WANTS ME TO DO. 

But if just making the call gets him to fkn get off my @ss
about the entire thing and p*ss off, I will make the call. 

Just a lot that bothers me. Would it bother you?
If you were put in that position?

I put myself in that position. 
By even talking to the guy. 

By making any agreement with him
about a website. 

I could have just not... 

IT MADE ME NOT WANT TO, AGAIN. 

JUST ONE THING. AFTER ANOTHER.
IN THIS CITY. 

BUT I COULD HAVE JUST NOT. 

Sometimes I Think About It (Part 2)

Sometimes I think about what it'd be like to be
in a relationship.

Not that I want to be in one, but I'm saying
that sometimes I think about what it'd be like. 

There are some things that I miss... 
BUT SOME THINGS I DEFINITELY DON'T MISS.
AND NEVER WILL MISS. 

I'm sure there are things others don't miss.

And then there are these videos:
"Husband sh0t dead after walking in on wife having s#x with neighbor."

And those fatal attraction videos... 

So let's switch gears and talk about some other stuff for a bit... 
I got most of it out, the things that have been bothering me lately. 

As hard as it can be for me to switch gears, as you can tell. 
Once my mind is on something, it's on it. 
Whether I like it or not. 

For the last 7 years or so I was so fkn stuck in my head, 
emotionally fkd up. 

OVER A LOT OF SH*T
BUT OVER PEOPLE TREATING ME FKN BADLY. 
JUST BECAUSE THEY COULD. 

And it just would have been cool
WHEN YOU TELL SOMEONE
YOU'RE GOING TO TAKE IT TO THE POINT
OF NO RETURN. 

IF YOU DON'T WANT IT TO GO THERE, 
DON'T TAKE IT THERE. 

IT FKN BOTHERED ME SO MUCH
THAT WHEN I WAS THERE, READY, WILLING, 
TRYING, DOING WHAT I COULD ETC... 

I GET THAT SH*T. 

LIKE IT FEELS LIKE I DON'T GET BACK
WHAT I PUT INTO ANYTHING... 

AND WHEN SOMEONE WANTS ME TO COMPROMISE
THEY WERE NOT FKN WILLING TO
EVEN LISTEN OR CARE WHAT I HAD TO SAY.
OR CARE ABOUT HOW I FELT. 
OR ACT LIKE THEY CARE AT ALL. 

So should I care? 
I WAS TRYING TO GIVE 
WHAT I WANTED BACK!!!!!!!!

I was doing things for them
THAT I WANTED THEM TO DO FOR ME. 

But some people don't want to give it their ALL
because if it fails, (due to them not giving it their all)
they can feel like they didn't put anything into it, anyway. 

AND IF YOU DO GIVE IT YOUR ALL, 
AND YOU STILL GET TREATED AS THOUGH
THEY DO NOT CARE... 

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE THERE.
FOR THEM TO ACT LIKE THEY DON'T CARE!!!!!
AND NEITHER DO I!!!!

Apart from that, it took me a long time to just... 
Look at some things long and hard enough to see some things... 
I wouldn't have seen had I not looked at those things. 
Or had I refused to look at those things. 

AND SOME PEOPLE HAVE DONE TOO MUCH
AND GONE TOO FAR
TO BE ALLOWED BACK INTO MY LIFE. 

PEOPLE WHO ARE OVERCOME BY THEIR BS. 
PEOPLE WHO DON'T THINK OF ME.
WHO'LL NEVER SEE ME OR APPRECIATE ME
OR VALUE ME. 
WHO'LL NEVER TREAT ME AS THOUGH THEY DO. 
THEY NEVER DID!
SO WHY WOULD THEY START?!
WHY SHOULD I WAIT FOR THEM TO STOP
TREATING ME LIKE CRAP?
WHY SHOULD I WAIT FOR THEM TO START
TREATING ME BETTER?

TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY?
LISTENED TO? HEARD THE VERY FIRST TIME?

WOULDN'T YOU BE KINDA UPSET
WHEN ALL YOU WANTED WAS THE BARE MIN
AND YOU STILL COULDN'T JUST HAVE THAT?
WHILE YOU WERE WILLING TO
AND OFTEN WENT ABOVE AND BEYOND
TO SHOW YOU CARED... 

BUT THEY ONLY THINK ABOUT THAT, 
ABOUT WHAT THEY GOT FROM ME. 
KNOWING I'M NOT ABOUT GIVING ANYMORE
SO THEY AREN'T GOING TO BE GETTING ANYTHING.

WHY? SO THEY CAN TAKE ME FOR GRANTED SOME MORE?
SO THEY CAN DEVALUE AND DISRESPECT ME?

I'm not even angry anymore. It just bothers me.
EXPECTED TO BE FKN SOLID
TO GET THAT SH*T. 

Knowing that if I'm being 100, 
I should be getting at least 60+.

I don't expect 100 back, 
BUT 60+ IS FKN ONLY FAIR FOR 100.

IF YOU TRADE MY 100 FOR SOMEONE'S 20, 
THAT'S ON YOU. NOT ON ME. 

Should have stood firm on what I meant to them
IF I MEANT ANYTHING AT ALL... 

TREATING ME LIKE I MEAN NOTHING?
THEN P*SS OFF!
GO PLAY GAMES WITH SOMEONE ELSE. 

Like if Iron Heart missed our convos
HE WOULD HAVE STUCK AROUND TO HAVE MORE?
NOT LEFT ME WONDERING
IF I WAS EVER GOING TO GET TO TALK TO HIM AGAIN?
IF HE EVEN EVER CARED AT ALL?
GUESS NOT!

But what I am tired of is being the ONLY one who DOES!
In most aspects of my life!

In "friendships"
With "family"
With fkn anything... 

IT GETS EMOTIONALLY DRAINING. 

And all the time I spent caring about people
WHO CLEARLY NEVER GAF ABOUT ME
I COULD HAVE BEEN PUTTING INTO CARING
ABOUT SOME OTHER THINGS. 

Doing the things I could have been doing.
For myself.

Was without them, anyway, intentionally, 
so why couldn't I have USED MY TIME
FOR MYSELF?

SO NOW THEY CAN BE WITHOUT ME, 
INTENTIONALLY. 

I'd like to feel, one day, MORE IMPORTANT
TO SOMEONE
THAN THEIR BS EVER WAS. 

But, I am working on just feeling more important
than my BS ever was... 

So I can take myself seriously, support myself better, 
live better, feel better than I ever have. 

IT'S JUST HARD TO FEEL ALL OPTIMUM 
WHILE BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED CONSTANTLY. 

It p*sses me off after a while. It really does. 

Gotta figure out some stuff for this month... 
Worth more to think about than all the things that bother me. 

Just that the things that bother me, really freaking bother me!
Why? Why does it bother me as much as it does?

Why can't I just free my mind to focus on important things?
Wouldn't that be great? Not that my bio clock is ticking. 
That part of my life's... What it is. 

Some emotions to process there. 
A lot, actually, and kinda not "ready" to do it, yet. 

When I even think about facing those feelings, 
I feel a huge PIT in my stomach, and it does not feel good. 

A lot of stuff to process that I can't even write about
on here. 
It's too deep for this space. 

Stuff I can't really open up and talk about, either. 
Knowing that it's a lot... And it gives me such unease, 
thinking about it. Uncomfortable. 

But I need to be resolving it, dealing with it. 

Mostly having issues with trust... 
I've written about some of it, 
but it actually goes deeper than that. 

I'm tired, but have a hard time sleeping. 
I have to be up early. 

I stayed up late cooking rice and veggies
for the potluck thing tomorrow. 
Wish me luck lol. 

Truth Can Trigger

Some people get triggered by the truth.
IT BUGS THEM HEARING IT FROM ME. 
EVEN ABOUT ME. 

And it took me years to figure out WHY IT BUGS THEM
SO DAMN MUCH.

Because hearing the truth from me
sometimes says that what I was saying was RIGHT.
AND THUS I AM RIGHT.

THAT I HAD A POINT OR MORE THAN ONE POINT. 
THAT I SAW LONG BEFORE THEY DID. 

Seeing before they did means that I can see. 
MEANS THEY COULD HAVE LISTENED
WHEN I WAS TELLING THEM SOMETHING. 
ANYTHING. 

COULD HAVE RESPECTED ME. 

But seeing means knowing things others don't know. 
It doesn't make people who can see "smarter"
BUT IT GIVES THEM AN ADVANTAGE. 

OVER PEOPLE WHO REFUSE TO SEE.

PEOPLE DO NOT LIKE IT WHEN YOU HAVE
AN ADVANTAGE OVER THEM.

NOT ONLY DO THEY NOT LIKE IT, 
THEY DON'T LIKE HOW IT FEELS, TO THEM, 
OR WHAT THEY THINK ABOUT THEMSELVES
FOR NOT HAVING THAT SAME ADVANTAGE. 

Let's put it this way:
CAN YOU SEE SOMETHING FOR THEM?
CAN YOU UNDERSTAND SOMETHING FOR THEM?
CAN YOU KNOW SOMETHING FOR THEM?

YOU CAN'T. NEITHER CAN I.
SO THEY CAN'T GET MAD AT ME.
BECAUSE I FKN CAN'T DO IT FOR THEM. 

I used to think:
If I try harder, they'll see what I'm saying. 
They'll see why I'm saying it. 
They'll GET THE POINT... 

AND WHEN THEY GET THE POINT, 
THEY'LL SEE, KNOW, UNDERSTAND... 

THEN ALL THE BS WILL STOP. 

BUT I WASTED YEARS THINKING THAT. 

"DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY HAVE UNTIL IT'S GONE."
IS THE STORY OF MY LIFE. 
WHEN I COULD HAVE JUST BEEN VALUED
WHEN I WAS THERE. I WASN'T. 

Anyway, just tired of that sh*t. 
AND DEFINITELY WASN'T EXPECTING THAT SH*T. 
BUT IT SEEMS THAT I CANNOT EXPECT
MATURITY AND RESPECT. 

WISH I COULD!
BUT WISHING DOESN'T MAKE IT SO!

Just want to recover from being treated badly. 

Emotional Hostage

One thing I realizzed is that I was holding myself back
BY LETTING CERTAIN PEOPLE
AND SITUATIONS  
HOLD ME BACK. 

And the reason it was hard to just say fk it, 
FOR AS LONG AS I PUT UP WITH THAT SH*T
was that I was emotionally invested. 

I FKN CARED. TOO MUCH.
FOR PEOPLE WHO DID NOT GAF ABOUT ME.
BECAUSE IF THEY DID, 
THEY WOULDN'T HAVE XYZ... 
EVER!!!!! NEVER!!!!! EVER!!!! 

WOULD NEVER EVEN THINK OF DOING XYZ
OR OF BEING XYZ... 

AND THEY WOULD KNOW THAT DOING IT, 
OR BEING THAT WAY, TO ME
WOULD CAUSE ME TO TURN MY BACK. 
AND NOT WANT TO LOOK BACK. 

Letting people "control" how they were being etc... 
WHILE HE HAD THE CHOICE TO TAKE THE BAIT
OR NOT TAKE THE BAIT. 
HIM TAKING THE BAIT HAD NOTHING
TO DO WITH ME. 

OTHER THAN I COULD HAVE BEEN A REASON
THAT THEY DIDN'T XYZ. TO ME!!!!!!

To not even think about it!
To not want to choose it!

TO CHOOSE ME, INSTEAD OF THAT SH*T. 

But I can't expect anyone to FKN SEE THE TRUTH. 
ABOUT ME, ABOUT THEMSELVES, 
ABOUT WHAT THEY WERE REFUSING
AND FKN ALLOWING. 

Waiting around for people to realize anything...
IS LIKE HOLDING YOUR BREATH.

WHY DEPRIVE YOURSELF OF AIR
JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS REFUSING
TO LOOK, TO SEE, TO KNOW, TO GROW, 
TO FKN GROW TF UP, 
TO BE AN ADULT... 

Adults aren't about the drama. 
IF HE HADN'T BROUGHT THAT SH*T, 
THERE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THAT SH*T. 

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SIMPLE.

JUST GROW UP. SIMPLE. 
He refused to just fkn do that.

I've seen/experienced sh*t like that
BUT NOT ON THAT LEVEL, BEFORE. 
AND DEFINITELY NOT DOING THAT SH*T AGAIN. 

IF YOU REJECT SOMEONE TO THE POINT
THEY REJECT YOU, OH WELL!

MAYBE IF YOU PLAY GAMES, 
THEY GET P*SSED OFF 
AND TELL YOU TO P*SS OFF. 

And I can take rejection.
IT WASN'T THAT HE REJECTED ME
IT WAS HOW HE DID IT. 

IT WAS THE FACT THE DRAGGED IT OUT. 
IT WAS THE FACT THAT EVERYTHING WAS INTENTIONAL. 
IT WAS THE FACT HE CHOSE TO DO THAT SH*T.
IT WAS THE FACT HE LIED TO MY FACE. 
HE DISRESPECTED ME. 
IT WASN'T ABOUT THE REJECTION. 
IT WAS ABOUT THE DISRESPECT. 

HE CHOSE TO BE A HEARTLESS POS. 
THAT'S WHAT THE ISSUE IS. 

AND I WAS STUCK AS AN EMOTIONAL HOSTAGE
BECAUSE HE WAS STRINGING ME ALONG
JUST TO BE A FKN COWARD POS. 

But I'm thinking about "emotional hostage"
Because that's what it felt like. 

DOING THAT SH*T TO SOMEONE
WHO WAS EMOTIONALLY INVESTED, 
AND THEY KNEW I WAS....

BECAUSE WHY FKN BOTHER AT ALL
IF I FKN WASN'T???????? 

But just because HE fell for the bait doesn't mean
that he gets to come back my way
and try to bait me. 

WHEN YOU FK SOMETHING UP, 
SOMETIMES YOU DON'T GET TO CLEAN IT UP. 
YOU GET TO SIT IN THE MESS YOU MADE. 
BECAUSE YOU FKED IT UP
ON PURPOSE. 

AND JUST BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T SEE SOMETHING
BEFORE YOU FKED IT UP
DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU DIDN'T STILL FK IT UP. 

BY TAKING PEOPLE FOR GRANTED, WHO CARED... 
WHO WANTED YOU TO JUST FKN CARE TOO.
AND WHEN YOU KEPT SHOWING THEM YOU DON'T, 
WHY SHOULD THEY BE THERE UNTIL YOU DO?

But I am a villain for NOT WANTING THAT SH*T. 

FOR WANTING IT TO JUST BE SIMPLE. 

AND HAD HE SEEN THE TRUTH, 
OF WHAT I WAS SAYING, AND WHY I SAID IT, 
WHY I EVEN FKN BOTHERED AT ALL... 

HAD HE TAKEN ME SERIOUSLY, 
MAYBE I'D STILL BE THERE. 

BECAUSE IT NEVER MATTERED WHAT HE HAD
AND DIDN'T HAVE. 

IT WASN'T ABOUT GETTING ANYTHING FROM HIM. 

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT RESPECT. 

It wasn't about rejecting me. 
IT WAS TRYING TO FKN BREAK ME. 

COULD HAVE REJECTED ME WITHOUT ANY OF THAT SH*T, 
CORRECT?
WITHOUT WASTING MY TIME?

Had he wanted to do better, he would have. 
IF HE WANTED TO TREAT ME LIKE HE CARED ABOUT ME
AND CARED ABOUT HOW I FELT... 
HE WOULD HAVE!

BUT I'M SUPPOSED TO CARE ABOUT EVERYONE
ALL THE FKN TIME BECAUSE THEY WANT ME TO
AND WHEN I TURN MY BACK, THEY FEEL IT
BECAUSE I'M NOT THE TYPE OF PERSON
WHO FKN WOULD
UNLESS I AM PUSHED TO FKN DO IT. 

BUT EVEN KNOWING THAT, THEY STILL DO IT. 
JUST TO SEE IF I WILL?
TO SEE IF I WOULD?
WHAT FKN GIVES?!

Could have just NOT pushed me to do it... 

AND YET THEY STILL WANT TO FKN BLAME ME?
COULD I BLAME THEM
IF I DID THE SAME FKN THINGS TO THEM?

If I ran like a p*ssy b*tch when it came time to step up... 
AND POINTED THE FINGER AT HIM
THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO GROW TF UP... 

IF I COULDN'T CONTROL MY IMPULSES
AND WANTED TO ACT/BE HELLA IMMATURE... 

AND BLAME HIM FOR IT... 

COULD I EXPECT HIM TO STAY? OR WANT TO?
TIME AFTER TIME?

I wrote about all the sh*t over the last 6+ years. 
Had I stayed, that would have continued. 

SOMEONE WHO CARES ABOUT YOU
AND SHOWS UP FOR YOU
WHEN NOBODY ELSE IS.... 

DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE DONE LIKE THAT. 

SO I WASN'T EXPECTING TO BE DONE LIKE THAT.

BEING DONE LIKE THAT BLINDSIDED ME.

EACH TIME I'VE EVER BEEN DONE LIKE THAT
BLINDSIDED ME. 

AND TOOK ME A WHILE TO RECOVER FROM.

And when you are RECOVERING FROM THE LAST TIME
OF BEING DONE DIRTY.... 

YOU EVEN GIVE THEM ANOTHER CHANCE
THINKING THEY LEARNED SOMETHING. 

THINKING YOU CAN BELIEVE THEM
WHEN THEY TELL YOU TO YOUR FACE:
"I WON'T TREAT YOU LIKE THAT ANYMORE."

Just to be done even worse ffs. 

And each time I've been done dirty
FOR PEOPLE WHO DID THEM DITRY.
WERE TRYING TO DO US BOTH DIRTY.... 

It made me not want to continue to trust them. 
OR WANT TO BE AROUND THEM. 
OR EVEN LOOK AT THEM
THE WAY I ONCE LOOKED AT THEM. 

It left such a taste in my mouth that 
I DON'T WANT TO FKN GIVE ANYONE A CHANCE. 

And I look at all the cases where some chick trusted a guy
to have him do something fkn atrocious to her. 

ALL THE THINGS WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO
AND ALLOWED TO TRUST THEM NOT TO DO.
INTENTIONALLY NONETHELESS... 

LIKE PUNCHING THEM IN THE HEAD... 
DISRESPECTING THEM, 
LYING TO THEM, 
BREAKING SOMETHING THAT DOES NOT BELONG TO THEM... 
BEING AN ICY POS... 

DOING A WHOLE LOT OF MESS BEHIND THEIR BACK
AND TO THEIR FACE... 

All kinds of betrayal sh*t... 

Like wouldn't it be nice to be in a subway station...
Minding your own business... 
Just being a female... 

AND NOT GET KICKED DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS
BY SOME COWARD POS?

That happened to a woman. Just for being a woman. 

All the sh*t that happens to females just for being female... 

WOULD HE HAVE THE SAME BALLS TO KICK A MALE
DOWN THE STAIRS
FACE FKN FIRST?

PROBABLY NOT!

If someone's mature, they tell the truth!
BECAUSE THEY HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE!
THEY ARE MATURE ENOUGH TO VALUE IT. 

The only exception is to save a life, or lives. 
Like if you lie to misdirect someone who's trying to k*ll people.

OTHERWISE, WHY LIE?

When I was a kid, my earliest memories of lying
WAS WHEN I TOLD THE TRUTH
THAT I DIDN'T KNOW
WHICH WAS ASSUMED TO BE A LIE
BUT WAS TRUE... 
AND I'D GET HIT FOR "LYING"
WHEN I WASN'T... 
UNTIL I SAID SOMETHING THEY THOUGHT
WAS THE "TRUTH"
BUT WASN'T. 

HAD THEY JUST ACCEPTED THE TRUTH, 
I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO MAKE SH*T UP. 
AND I REALLY DIDN'T LIKE MAKING SH*T UP.
BECAUSE I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ALLOWED
TO TELL THE TRUTH
AND HAVE THAT ACCEPTED. 
AND NOT BE HIT, AT ALL. 

OVER FKN NOTHING BUT "CONTROL."

Those are my earliest memories. 
Some of them. 

Being treated like the issue for not wanting to be "hit"
in any type of way... 
Emotionally, physically, or whatever...
VERBALLY EVEN.... 

BEING TREATED LIKE THAT
FOR NOT WANTING THAT
IS A DIFFERENT KIND OF SOMETHING. 

AND THEN BEING TREATED WORSE
FOR NOT WANTING TO BE
TREATED LIKE THAT
IS ANOTHER DIFFERENT KIND OF SOMETHING. 

That's what I'm not cool with. 

Being like that and acting like that isn't "enough" for me. 
BECAUSE THERE IS NO REAL FKN REASON FOR IT, 
AND I REALLY DON'T FEEL LIKE I DESERVE THAT SH*T.

HAD I ACTED LIKE THAT? HAD I DONE THAT?
LEFT THEM TO DEAL WITH WHAT I DID?
ON PURPOSE?

HAD I LET THEM DOWN FOR PEOPLE
WHO NEVER GAF ABOUT ME?
CONSTANTLY?
WITH NO REGRET?
UNTIL AFTER I REALIZED
THEY NEVER GAF ABOUT ME?

I'm not willing to go back to "trying to have conversations"
WITH PEOPLE WHO CAN'T FKN HAVE THEM
AND TRY TO BLAME ME FOR THAT. 

OR "TRYING TO BE IN ANYONE'S LIFE"
ESPECIALLY IF THEY CAN'T BE BOTHERED
TO TREAT ME LIKE I MATTER TO THEM. 

By not xyz.... 
By choosing not to xyz... 

That's how they could have treated me
LIKE I MATTERED TO THEM.

Can't get mad at me when I realize how
IMMATURE SOMEONE IS. 

AFTER GIVING CHANCES TO WAKE UP.
TO DO/BE BETTER.
TO TREAT ME BETTER. 

SHOULD I BE GIVING MANY CHANCES
FOR SOMEONE TO TREAT ME BETTER?
OR SHOULD THEY HAVE JUST
TREATED ME BETTER?

LIKE I MATTERED! TO THEM!
ME! THAT I DID! AS A PERSON!
NOT WHATEVER CAME WITH ME.
OR FROM ME. 
NOT WHATEVER THEY COULD GET.
ME! THAT I MATTERED!
ABOVE ANY OF THAT!

BUT I AM THE BAD PERSON
FOR WANTING TO BE TREATED
LIKE I FKN MATTER!!!!!!

So not only do I get treated like I don't fkn matter.... 
I get treated even worse FOR NOT WANTING THAT SH*T. 
I GET TREATED BADLY
FOR THE CHANCES SOMEONE WANTED
TO TAKE ON ME. 

And when I take ACCESS AWAY... 
SO THEY CAN'T ACCESS ME... 
SO I STOP GIVING A FK... 
COMPLETELY PUSHED ME AWAY, 
THE FURTHEST THEY COULD PUSH ME... 

THEY FKN GET MAD AT ME.

WHEN THEY SHOULD BE BLAMING THEMSELVES
FOR DOING/BEING XYZ. 

There was a guy I knew who used the term:
"Showing your @ss."
Or embarrassing yourself. 

If you're being a POS... 
SHOULDN'T THAT BE SO EMBARRASSING
THAT YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO BE A POS?

I can look at it this way:
Some people can't seem to SEE and UNDERSTAND
THE EXTENT OF THEIR OWN SH*T.
BECAUSE IF THEY DID,
THEY WOULDN'T KEEP GOING. 
WOULDN'T HAVE TAKEN IT "THERE."

OR I COULD LOOK AT IT:
THEY KNEW EXACTLY WTF THEY WERE DOING
AND CHOSE TO DO IT ANYWAY. 

BUT WHEN SOMEONE TAKES IT "THERE"
AND IT BLOWS UP IN THEIR OWN FACE, 

THEY DON'T GET TO TRY TO BLAME YOU
FOR THE CHOICES THEY NEVER NEEDED TO MAKE.
THE CHOICES THEY CHOSE TO MAKE. 
AGAINST YOU. 

But after sh*t doesn't go "right" AFTER THAT SH*T,
YOU DON'T GET TO COME BACK
AFTER I AM FORCED TO MOVE FORWARD
JUST TO TRY TO HAVE THE LOYALTY, XYZ
YOU ONCE HAD FROM ME. 

YOU DON'T GET TO DO THAT SH*T. 

YOU DON'T GET TO DISMISS ME LIKE I DON'T MATTER
ACT LIKE I DON'T MATTER
AND THEN TRY TO BAIT ME INTO ANOTHER ROUND OF THAT. 

and everytime I was baited into giving them another chance, 
that was me giving them another chance. 

IF THEY WERE MATURE, THEY COULD CONTROL THEMSELVES. 
ENOUGH NOT TO XYZ. 

AND NOT WANTING TO XYZ SHOULD BE ENOUGH
NOT TO XYZ,
CORRECT? 

NOT DOING PEOPLE DIRTY SHOULD BE ENOUGH
FOR THEM NOT TO DO YOU DIRTY. 
IDEALLY. 

Wouldn't it be cool that all you had to do was be SOLID
FOR OTHERS TO BE SOLID WITH YOU?

The guy's still fkn bugging me about his refund. 
He thinks it got renewed twice, it got renewed once. 

I was supposed to renew it and forgot, it was overdue, 
so I renewed it because I thought he'd be mad if I didn't, 
so I did it and told him I did it, for him,
and now he's bugging me repeatedly about a refund
that is out of my control. 

AND ISN'T MY RESPONSIBILITY. 
I TOLD HIM, REPEATEDLY, THAT IT IS HIS RESPONSIBILITY.
NOT MINE!
IT ISN'T MY REFUND. 
I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY, THEY DO. 
ALL I DID WAS RENEW IT FOR HIM. 

LIKE HE FKN WANTED ME TO
AND THEN AFTER TELLING ME TO DO IT, 
TURNS AROUND AND DOESN'T WANT IT ANYMORE. 

HE DOESN'T WANT IT ANYMORE
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT HIS DK. 

I DIDN'T WANT TO MARRY HIM.
I DIDN'T WANT TO LIVE WITH HIM. 
I DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE HIM 24/7 ACCESS TO ME. 
I DIDN'T WANT TO LET HIM DRAIN ME. 

IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT THAT ANYWAY.

And now he wants to email about it constantly
INSTEAD OF DOING SOMETHING ABOUT
GETTING HIS MONEY BACK FROM THEM. 
MAKING IT MY FAULT
THAT HE WON'T FKN LISTEN TO ME
TRYING TO TELL HIM
THAT I HAVE ZERO TO DO WITH IT. 
THAT'S BETWEEN HIM AND THEM. NOT ME. 

And even AFTER SHOWING ME HIS DK FFS
I'M STILL TRYING TO BE NICE ABOUT IT
WHEN AFTER THAT, I COULD HAVE BLOCKED HIM
COMPLETELY. 

WHICH I AM REALLY TEMPTED TO DO. 
BUT I'M STILL TRYING TO BE NICE FFS. 

AFTER ALL THAT, HE SHOULD JUST FKN LEAVE ME ALONE.
HE DIDN'T GET WHAT HE WANTED FROM ME. 
TIME TO MOVE ON.

I didn't get what I wanted, either: RESPECT.

If he respected me, he wouldn't have xyz. 
Tried to talk me into "marriage"
and tried to talk me into living together, 
tried to get me to watch fkn p0rn ffs. 
Showed me his dk. 

Fkn tried to talk me into hooking up for $50. 

AND YET HE SEEMS TO THINK I OWE HIM SOMETHING. 
WHEN IN FACT, I OWE HIM FKN NOTHING. 

NOT EVEN HELP GETTING A REFUND
THAT I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH. 

LIKE EACH TIME HE DID SOMETHING CREEPY, 
THE NEXT TIME IT WAS A STEP ABOVE
UNTIL HE SHOWED ME HIS DK FFS. 

LIKE I DON'T HAVE TO BE NICE TO ANYONE
WHO PUTS ME THROUGH A BUNCH OF SH*T
WHEN I'VE BEEN SOLID AND HELD UP MY END. 

I AM NOT HIS PERSONAL ASSISTANT. 

DOING ANYONE A FAVOR DOESN'T MEAN
YOU OWE IT TO THEM
OR ANYTHING ELSE. 

So I don't owe it. 
ESPECIALLY MY FREEDOM. 

HE WANTED TO "MARRY" ME
SO I WOULDN'T BE FREE TO MARRY
SOMEONE OF MY CHOOSING ETC., 
SOMEONE ELSE WHO WOULD HAVE ACCESS TO ME
AND "POSSIBLY" "CONTROL" OVER ME... 
(IN THEIR MIND)...

When he started talking like that, I could have fkn RAN AWAY.
I DIDN'T. 
BUT JUST BECAUSE I DIDN'T
DOESN'T MEAN ANYONE CAN JUST GET
OR HAVE
WHATEVER THEY WANT FROM ME. 

Like telling me he'd pay me $50 for s#x ffs. 

AND AFTER DECLINING, I TOLD HIM
THAT'S NOT WHAT I WAS THERE FOR.
BECAUSE I'M FKN NOT THERE FOR THAT SH*T. 

AND EVEN LIKE ASKING ME OR BRINGING IT UP
WAS THEM FKN EXPECTING IT
FOR BRINGING IT UP. 

LIKE ALL THEY HAD TO DO WAS BRING IT UP
OR TRY TO GET ME TURNED ON
BY SHOWING ME THEIR DK?
WHY WOULD BEING SHOWN IT MAKE ME WANT IT?
JUST BECAUSE IT'S RIGHT THERE?
FK RIGHT OFF WITH THAT BS!
JUST FK OFF WITH IT!
ALL THE WAY OFF!

Besides not being that kind of girl... 
Even the ones I did hook up with... Fkn regretted it. 
BECAUSE OF THEIR BS.

AND I COULD HAVE JUST NOT. 
SO I JUST DON'T. 
NO 'REGRETS.'

THE FACT THAT HE OFFERED ME $50 TO FK HIM... 
THAT TURNED ME OFF, 
BESIDES ALREADY TURNED OFF... 

BUT IT COULD HAVE SAID:
"A***, IF HE'S BEING LIKE THIS, JUST GO."

There were times it got so uncomfortable that I left. 
Like when he wanted me to watch the video. 
Like when he showed me his dk. 

After the last time, I hadn't wanted to see him. 
And he kind of caught onto it. 
If I was going to be upset about him showing me his dk, 
THEN IT WASN'T WORTH IT TO KEEP TRYING
TO GET ME TO FK HIM. 

ESPECIALLY AFTER I WOULDN'T FOR $50 LOL. 

It's not that I think $50's low or something. 
IT'S THAT WHY WOULD I SELL MY SELF-RESPECT
FOR ANYTHING?

JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE WANTS TO BE
DISGUSTINGLY SELFISH?

AND ONLY THINK ABOUT WHAT THEY WANT?

AND NOT ABOUT WHAT I WANT?

WHICH IS RESPECT?

NOT TO ASK ME TO FK YOU FOR ANY MONEY, 
NOT TO ASK ME TO FK YOU AT ALL. 
MAYBE REALIZE THAT I DON'T WANT TO FK YOU, 
AND RESPECT THAT IT IS MY CHOICE. 

Is that a lot to ask for?
A lot to want? ffs.

Should I want to fk someone who thinks I should want to for $50?
Who thinks showing me a video will make me want to fk?
Who thinks showing me their dk is in any way appropriate?

THEN THINKS I OWE THEM ANY HELP TO GET A REFUND
THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME?

SHOULD THAT BE ATTRACTIVE TO ME?
SHOULD I WANT TO FK THAT?
JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT TO FK ME?

AND YET SEEM TO THINK THEY CAN TREAT ME
LIKE A PERSONAL ASSISTANT TO CONTROL?

GTFO WITH THAT SH*T. 

WHERE IS MY RESPECT?
BESIDES MY SELF-RESPECT?

If I didn't respect myself, I would have fkd him for $50!
EVEN IF I DIDN'T WANT TO!
BUT NO! 
I DIDN'T BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO!
AND HE SHOULD HAVE RESPECTED THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO. 
AND NOT KEPT TRYING AFTER THAT. 

BUT SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BEFORE HE EVEN TRIED THAT. 
THAT I WASN'T THERE FOR THAT
AND COULD HAVE RESPECTED THAT. 
AND RESPECTED ME,
BUT DIDN'T. 

If he respected me, he wouldn't have looked at me
like someone to fk or try to fk
or try to control in any way. 

HE WOULD HAVE SEEN ME AS A PERSON. 
A PERSON WHO WAS TREATING HIM LIKE A PERSON. 
UNTIL HE KEPT TREATING ME LIKE I'M SOMEONE
TO CONTROL TO TRY TO GET WHAT HE WANTS.

Which is his refund. Fair. 
CAN'T GET IT THROUGH ME. 
I'M NOT THE ONE WHO PROCESSES THE REFUNDS. 
I HAVE NO SAY IN HOW IT WORKS
OR IF IT DOES, 
BUT THE MONEY DID NOT COME TO ME. 
I DO NOT HAVE IT. 
IF I HAD IT, I'D HAVE GIVEN IT BACK
JUST SO HE CAN P*SS OFF. 

So aggravating. 
AFTER TELLING HIM IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME
HE'S STILL CONTACTING ME ABOUT IT. 

I'M TEMPTED TO BLOCK THE GUY.
IF HE KEEPS HARRASSING ME, I PROBABLY WILL.

PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE WHEN HE SHOWED ME HIS DK.
YET I STILL TRIED BEING NICE ABOUT IT.

EVEN THOUGH THAT SH*T P*SSES ME OFF.

Anyway, been tired, sleeping but... Not sleeping the best. 
Got a lot on my mind. 

This is just like maybe 2% of what I'm thinking about. 

Anyway, to switch it up a bit... Because it's having me in a mood... 
Because I wish I didn't have to deal with any of that sh*t.

It's like "look what you get for trusting."

I'll sleep for a bit, wake up, write
or code or something, or play games, 
then go back to sleep... 

BUT ON MY MIND IS A LOT OF STUFF. 
Sometimes writing about it helps...
Sometimes it doesn't. 

Writing about it changes nothing about it. 

MIGHT GET PEOPLE TO THINK
ABOUT WHAT THEY INTENTIONALLY DO
OR TRY TO DO 
AND WHY
AND HOW THAT SH*T'S LIKE SLAMMING A DOOR
IN YOUR OWN FACE... 

BECAUSE PEOPLE LIKE ME THAT GET DISRESPECTED
DON'T HAVE TO FKN BE IN YOUR LIFE AT ALL. 
NEVER HAD TO BE. 
NEVER HAD TO EVEN WANT TO BE. 

AND THEY STILL GET TREATED LIKE THAT?

What can I expect, though?
For people to accept responsibility?
FOR THEM TO BE HONEST TO ME 
AND TO THEMSELVES?
FOR THEM TO FACE THE OPPORTUNITY
TO GROW UP?

Because a lot of people act like I can't expect that. 
BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO MATURE
TO ACT LIKE I CAN, 
FROM THEM.