Not Even 2 Weeks...

The other night, my brother sent me like 3 messages, 
back to back. 

I haven't replied, yet. 

It hasn't even been 2 full weeks. 
It's like he's trying to come back to my place, 
to stay with me AGAIN. 

I think it has something to do with our mother, too. 
SHE HAD 2 WEEKS WITHOUT MY BROTHER THERE. 

AND WHEN I WAS TO HAVE A FULL NIGHT TO MYSELF, 
MY BROTHER WAS TEXTING ME|
TO RUSH ME BACK HOME
SO HE COULD COME BACK
WHEN HE F*CKING WANTED TO. 
F*CK WHAT I WANT, RIGHT?

AND MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO WAIT ALL FKN DAY
FOR HIM JUST TO WAKE UP. 
LIKE GET TF UP, GET SH*T DONE. 

IT'S NOT A FKN VACATION. 
THIS IS NOT A FKN HOTEL. 

So I didn't reply to his texts, yet. 

He's only texting me because he wants to come back here. 
AND HE DOES NOT GAF
THAT I DON'T WANT TO BE FKN USED. 
ESPECIALLY BY MY OWN FKN FAMILY. 

HE WAS SLEEPING ALL FKN DAY, 
AND AWAKE ALL FKN NIGHT. 
I WAS GETTING BARELY ANY SLEEP. 
I WAS GETTING FKN NOTHING DONE, 
NOT A LOT I COULD DO WITH HIM HERE 24/7.

And my neighbor was kind of whining about it. 

He came up to smoke with my brother and I, once. 

But when my neighbor got sick... 
He pinpointed it down to helping one neighbor, 
because he says:
"I wasn't around anyone for like 3 weeks..."

Like rubbing it in that I was "unavailable"
and it'd been weeks... 

Never said he couldn't come up to smoke when he was here. 

My brother saw his flirty ways firsthand. 

Being a female can get annoying. 
Some dudes will do things or try to do things
THEY WOULD NOT PULL WITH ANOTHER DUDE!
JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE A FEMALE!

That sh*t bugs me! I wish they'd stop that sh*t!

Some females really fkn hate that sh*t. 

WHY DO IT IF IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK?
IF IT JUST GETS UNDER THEIR SKIN?

IF DOING IT IS LIKE SLAMMING A DOOR
IN YOUR OWN FACE?

Anyway, the reason why I think my mom
is trying to send my brother back here... 

Is because she never wanted any of us around, period. 
Neither did her husband. 

He made her choose between him and me, once. 

OF COURSE SHE CHOSE HIM. 

I DGAF, THOUGH.

But anyway... When my brother was trying to rush me
BACK HOME
WHEN I WAS OUT DOING SOMETHING
I NEEDED TO DO FOR MYSELF... 

AND WAS TEXTING ME LIKE BANANAS... 
"WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO BE BACK?"
AND INSTEAD OF ACCEPTING 9 OR 10
BECAUSE I WANTED TO STAY OUT FOR A BIT... 
AND IT WAS GOING TO TAKE A WHILE TO GET BACK, TOO...

HE WAS TRYING TO HURRY ME BACK!

"CAN YOU GET BACK BEFORE THAT?"
"CAN YOU GET YOUR FRIEND TO COME TO YOUR PLACE?"

WTF?! CAN I NOT FKN GO OUT?
FOR ONE NIGHT?

And he was asking me when I was coming back... 
BECAUSE "MOM WANTS TO KNOW."

HOW TF IS IT HER BUSINESS WHEN?
SHE WANTED TO KNOW
BECAUSE SHE WANTED MY BROTHER OUT
AND TO PUSH HIM ONTO ME!

LIKE IT WAS MY RESPONSIBILITY
SOMEHOW TO BE FKN HOME
WHEN SHE WANTED ME TO BE
SO MY BROTHER HAS SOMEWHERE ELSE TO FKN BE!!!!!!

SEE? HOW THEY FKN TREAT ME?!
SEE WHY I WAS FKN MAD ABOUT IT?

SEE WHY I HAVE NOT REPLIED YET?
SEE WHY I DON'T WANT TO JUST JUMP TO REPLY?
JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT SOMETHING?
WOULD THEY TEXT ME IF THEY DIDN'T?
WOULD THEY CALL TO SAY HI?
TO ASK ME HOW I'M DOING?
IF I NEED ANYTHING?

MAYBE I NEED TO BE LEFT ALONE!
INSTEAD OF BEING TREATED LIKE THAT!

MAYBE BEING TREATED LIKE THAT
MAKES ME NOT WANT TO REPLY TO MESSAGES. 
MAKES ME NOT WANT TO JUST JUMP
AT ANYONE'S FKN WHIMS/DESIRES. 

BECAUSE HAS ANYONE FKN CARED ABOUT
WHAT I WANT?

WHEN I WANT TO JUST NOT BE TREATED LIKE THAT!!!!!
BY ANYONE!!!!!
ESPECIALLY FAMILY!!!!!

He's my brother, sure I care about him... 

BUT CARING ABOUT HIM DOES NOT MEAN
THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE EXPECTED
TO DROP EVERYTHING FOR EVERYONE ALL THE TIME. 
I DON'T ASK ANYONE TO DROP EVERYTHING FOR ME. 
AND I CAN'T EVER JUST EXPECT ANYONE TO DO IT.
JUST BECAUSE I WANT THEM TO. 
IT DOESN'T FKN WORK LIKE THAT. 
THEY AREN'T HERE TO BE CONTROLLED, 
JUST BECAUSE I WANT SOMETHING. 

For the most part, I don't want very fkn much. 

The very few things I wanted... 
SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN ASKING FOR TOO MUCH. 

Yes, it p*ssed me off to be treated like
ASKING FOR THE VERY BARE MIN
WAS ASKING FOR TOO MUCH. 

ESPECIALLY WHILE EXPECTING IT FROM ME!!!!

LIKE EXPECTING MY LOYALTY
BUT BEING ANYTHING BUT LOYAL TO ME!!!!!!!

Like anything one-sided... 
Like anything double-standard... 
FK THAT SH*T. 

BUT THEY JUST EXPECTED ME TO ALWAYS BE THERE, 
ALWAYS GIVE THEM CHANCES, 
ALWAYS GIVE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT,
ALWAYS FORGIVE, 
ALWAYS LOOK THE OTHER WAY, 
ALWAYS ACCEPT BS, 
ALWAYS ACCEPT LESS THAN I DESERVE.

And by what I deserve... 
I'm not saying I'm all "this or that" or PERFECT, 
BUT AT LEAST THERE ARE THINGS I CAN SAY
THAT ANYONE CAN SAY
ABOUT ME
IF THEY KNEW ME
ABOUT WHAT KIND OF A PERSON I AM. 
AND WHAT KIND OF A PERSON I'M NOT. 

"Mom's asking..."
Yeah... I bet she fkn is... 

It's been a vacation from you, with her husband. 

And if it's not her, just her, it's him, too. 
HE'LL BE A SH*T UNTIL YOU CANNOT FKN TOLERATE IT
AND WANT TO BE AWAY FROM HIM. 

BECAUSE HE IS THAT SELFISH. 
AND THAT IMMATURE. 

He pushes people. 
They both do. 

TO GET REACTIONS.
AND THEY BLAME YOU FOR YOUR REACTION. 
TO THEIR BS. 

THAT IS PART OF WHY I DON'T WANT TO BE AROUND THEM. 
THAT IS WHY THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH OF THEM
I CAN TOLERATE. 

AND HOW SHOULD IT BE MY PROBLEM, 
IF HE WANTS TO BE A D*CK?
AND MY BROTHER CAN'T STAND IT?

IS THAT MY PROBLEM?
OH WAIT! SINCE I HAVE MY OWN PLACE, 
APPARENTLY IT IS!
BECAUSE I'M EXPECTED TO JUST BE HOME
WHEN THEY WANT ME TO BE HOME
AND SACRIFICE ALL MY TIME FOR THEM
AND MY PLANS FOR THEM
JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT ME TO DO THAT?!

AND EXPECT ME TO BE COOL WITH IT?!

I don't live with them for a reason. For lots of reasons. 

Even the way they treat me, now, 
THEY USED TO TREAT ME WORSE WHEN I WAS AT HOME!

SO YEAH, I WANTED TF OUT!
I GOT OUT!
OR I WOULDN'T HAVE WANTED TO LEAVE!
RIGHT?!

So if they wanted me to think better of them, 
THEY COULD HAVE TREATED ME BETTER!!!!!!
WITH RESPECT!!!!!

NOT JUST EXPECT ME TO BE THERE!!!! FOR THEM!!!!
WHO TF IS THERE FOR ME? ANYONE?
BARELY SHOW UP FOR ME... 
BUT I'M SUPPOSED TO COME HOME EARLY
BECAUSE YOU WANT TO RUSH ME BACK HOME
BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE AT MY PLACE?
FOR SOMEWHERE ELSE TO BE?
TO ESCAPE THERE?

BUT HOW DARE I NOT WANT TO KEEP
PUTTING MY LIFE ON HOLD FOR EVERYONE!!!!
LIKE I'M SUPPOSED TO ALL THE FKN TIME!!!!
LIKE I HAVE DONE ALL THE FKN TIME!!!!

I'm a "bad" sister if I don't want to jump AT REQUESTS
AND EXPECTATIONS AND BE EXPECTED TO DO THAT.

I DON'T NEED ANYONE TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD
OR GUILTY FOR NOT WANTING TO. 

IF THEY TAKE ME FOR GRANTED, WHY TF SHOULD I WANT TO?!
JUST TO DO IT?
AS EXPECTED?
JUST BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT?

WHEN THEY NEVER GAF ABOUT WHAT I WANT?

Like not even a full 2 weeks and he's trying to come back here. 

Yeah, a break from being over there. That's all I am. 
SOMEWHERE ELSE TO BE.

And I have to sacrifice my plans, put my plans on hold... 
Bend over backwards all the time... 

AND BE EXPECTED TO!!!!
I DO NOT WANT TO BE EXPECTED TO!!!!

THAT IS THE POINT!
I AM EXPECTED TO AND WHEN I DON'T WANT TO, 
I'M THE BAD PERSON FOR NOT GIVING THEM WHAT THEY WANTED.

LIKE I WAS FKN OBLIGATED TO!!!

AND I GET TREATED LIKE SH*T FOR NOT WANTING TO!
SHOULDN'T I HAVE A RIGHT NOT TO WANT TO?

MAYBE IF THERE WAS RESPECT, I'D WANT TO!

MAYBE IF I WASN'T FKN EXPECTED TO, I'D WANT TO!
MAYBE IF THEY WEREN'T TRYING TO FKN RUSH ME HOME
BECAUSE THEY WANTED ME TO BE BACK
TO LET THEM STAY WITH ME

WHEN I SHOULDN'T BE FKN EXPECTED TO!
THAT P*SSED ME OFF!

His last message "Let me know if you get this A***."

I did get it, I read it, my phone died, I charged it, 
I went to bed, woke up, decided to do some stuff... 

Kind of like when I called you a few times,
after I moved in here, for you to come over to help me do something, 
I've kept mentioning that you still fkn haven't done for me, 
even after staying at my place for 2 weeks like a fkn hotel. 

AND WHEN I CALLED YOU, 
DID YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?
DID YOU CALL ME BACK?
DID YOU TALK TO ME FOR MONTHS?

NO... ONLY WHEN YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF THERE, RIGHT?
ONLY WHEN YOU NEED SOMEWHERE TO STORE YOUR STUFF?

AND I WAS EXPECTED TO SAY YES!
IF I SAID "NO, I'M NOT A FKN STORAGE UNIT,
I DON'T WANT TO BE USED AS ONE..."
I WOULD BE A B*TCH!!!!!!
BECAUSE HE DIDN'T GET TO STORE HIS SH*T HERE
LIKE HE FKN WANTED TO!!!!!
AND HE'D GET ALL P*SSY ABOUT IT. 

BECAUSE HE LIKES GETTING WHAT HE WANTS. 
HE DOESN'T LIKE NOT GETTING WHAT HE WANTS.

HE WANTED AN INSTANT REPLY. 
HE DIDN'T GET IT. 

THE INSTANT REPLY WAS EXPECTED, FROM ME. 
BECAUSE HE WANTED IT, FROM ME. 

FROM SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT GAF ABOUT WHAT I WANT!

WHEN WHAT I WANT IS NOT TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT!

That's why I'm making him wait. 
Because he doesn't have to have what he wants all the time. 

ESPECIALLY TAKING ME FOR GRANTED LIKE THEY ALL DO!
NOT CONSIDERING ME, LIKE USUAL!

AND PEOPLE BEING FAKE TO ME, THEY THINK I CAN'T FKN SEE THAT!

AND TO THINK I'D WANT TO BE AROUND THAT?

I DON'T WANT TO CONSTANTLY GIVE TO PEOPLE
WHO JUST FKN EXPECT ME TO RUSH HOME
BECAUSE THEY WANT ME TO!!!!!

But I'm the "older sister" the one who HAS TO CARE
ALL THE TIME, AND BE CARING, AND BE KIND, 
AND BE GIVING, AND BE THERE, 
AND GET SHOVED ASIDE, AND IGNORED, 
TO MY FACE, EVEN... 

AND SMILE LIKE I ENJOY THAT SH*T... 
LIKE I'M HAPPY TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT, I'M NOT!

SHOULD I BE HAPPY ABOUT IT?

MY OWN FAMILY DOING THAT SH*T?

BECAUSE I MAKE SH*T TOO EASY
AND CONVENIENT FOR THEM... 
SO THEY EXPECT IT TO BE, I GUESS... 
WITH  NO REGARD TO ME.... 
AS TO WHAT MY PLANS ARE,
AS TO WHAT I WANTED... 

JUST TO MAKE MYSELF AVAILABLE, ALL THE TIME.

BUT WHEN I ASK FOR ANYTHING, EVEN ONE THING, 
THAT ONE THING, THAT I WANTED, 
NEVER FKN MATTERS!!!!!!

Not even on my BIRTHDAY!!!!

My brother did get me cake and mac n' cheese for dinner... 
Like a casserole style, not in the box... 
And we added extra cheese to it... 

That's one of the things I wanted. 

Of all the things I do and am I expected to do for everyone... 
Was that the least? 
Like I never ask for much, but when I do... 
Especially when I ask certain people
ESPECIALLY WHEN IT IS SOMETHING SMALL
SOMETHING VERY FKN SMALL... 
SOMETHING THAT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ANYTHING, 
JUST TO DO FOR ME... 

Like once, on my birthday, I wanted to watch a movie with my mother. 
I wanted to just get high and watch Cheech n' Chong. 
ON MY BIRTHDAY. 

NOT A RADICAL THING TO WANT
ON MY BIRTHDAY, 

BUT DID WE "GET TO" WATCH IT?
NO!
BECAUSE MY MOM DIDN'T WANT TO!
EVEN THOUGH SHE KNEW I FKN DID!
AND TO WATCH A MOVIE WITH ME
ON MY BIRTHDAY
WOULD HAVE BEEN WHAT TO HER?

AS AN EXAMPLE.

MANY THINGS LIKE THIS. 

IT BUGS ME. 

BUT WHENEVER ANYONE WANTS SOMETHING, 
I'M SUPPOSED TO DROP EVERYTHING!!!!!

SO HE WANTS TO COME OVER BECAUSE HE IS
THINKING OF HIMSELF. 

SHE WANTS HIM TO COME OVER BECAUSE SHE IS
THINKING OF HERSELF. 

I'M THE STORAGE UNIT, OTHER PLACE TO BE!

NOT SOMEONE WITH THEIR OWN LIFE!

AND WHEN I ASK FOR FKN ANYTHING, EVER, 
WTF DO I EVER GET? ANYTHING?
DO I EVEN GET TO WATCH THE MOVIE
I WANTED TO WATCH ON MY FKN BIRTHDAY?

I get little to no effort from anyone... 

WHEN THEY KNOW I WANT SOMETHING, 
EVEN SOMETHING SMALL, 
THEY'LL GO OUT OF THEIR WAY
TO MAKE SURE I DON'T FKN GET TO HAVE
THE VERY SMALL THING I WANTED. 

And really, if they go out of their way about it.... 

THEY CAN GO FK THEMSELVES!

LIKE NOTHING I EVER DO FOR ANYONE IS ANYTHING?
ANYTHING THAT THEY CAN'T JUST LET ME
WATCH THE FKN MOVIE?
I WANTED TO WATCH 
ON MY BIRTHDAY?

Can I have ONE day that I CAN WANT something?

BECAUSE EVERY OTHER FKN DAY NOBODY GAF
WHAT I WANT!
THEY ONLY CARE ABOUT WHAT THEY WANT!!!!

BECAUSE THEY DO NOT THINK ABOUT ME, PERIOD!
APPARENTLY, NOT EVEN ON MY BIRTHDAY!

Is wanting to watch a movie WANTING TOO FKN MUCH?
ON MY BIRTHDAY?
THE ONE DAY I SHOULD BE ALLOWED
TO WANT SOMETHING?
ONE SMALL FKN THING?

So this is why I don't even fkn bother. 

IF I WANT TO DO WHAT I WANT ON MY BIRTHDAY, 
THE ONE DAY I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO WANT
VERY SMALL THINGS... 

LIKE TO GET HIGH AND WATCH "UP IN SMOKE"
OR SOMETHING SIMPLE LIKE THAT... 

I HAVE TO SPEND IT BY MYSELF.

BECAUSE NOBODY GAF ABOUT WHAT I WANT.
THE VERY SMALL THINGS. 

SO WHY FKN ASK ANYONE ANYMORE?
EVEN ON MY FKN BIRTHDAY!
IF THEY EVEN REMEMBER WHEN IT IS!

BECAUSE WHY SHOULD THEY CARE?
ABOUT ANYTHING ABOUT ME?

My neighbor even went as far as to argue with me
ABOUT MY AGE. 

HE WAS SO CONVINCED THAT HE WAS RIGHT
HE WAS TRYING TO CONVINCE ME
THAT HE WAS RIGHT ABOUT MY OWN AGE FFS. 

RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY BROTHER. 

When I told him that I am 42, now... 

He wanted to argue and actually said... 
"No, you were 40 and now you're 41..." WTF?!

I LITERALLY TOLD YOU MY ACTUAL AGE, 
AND YOU WANT TO TELL ME THAT I'M NOT? WTF?

MY BROTHER HEARD HIM DO IT!
HE WAS HERE WHEN HE DID THAT!

WHY ARGUE WITH ME ABOUT MY OWN AGE?
TO BE "RIGHT"?
ABOUT SOMETHING YOU'RE NOT RIGHT ABOUT?

LIKE I CAN'T BE RIGHT ABOUT MY OWN ACTUAL AGE?
DA FUQ?

That's the kind of BS, man. It bugs me. 

MAYBE RESPECT ME ENOUGH THAT WHEN I TELL YOU
MY ACTUAL AGE, YOU DON'T TRY TO ARGUE IT. 
YOU DON'T TRY TO CONVINCE ME OF SOMETHING
THAT ISN'T THE CASE. 
YOU BELIEVE ME THE FIRST TIME I TELL YOU. 
YOU ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE WRONG ABOUT ME.

The same guy who said to me:
"I came to realize that I need you as my GIRLFRIEND."

THE SAME GUY WHO'S THE SAME AGE AS MY MOM.

WHICH I'VE TOLD HIM MORE THAN ONCE. 
AND ACTS LIKE IT'S SURPRISING NEWS EACH TIME. 

I REMIND HIM OF IT WHEN HE TRIES TO ACT
LIKE HE'S ANYTHING OTHER THAN MY NEIGHBOR. 

I don't like it. 

I know I have to reply to my brother, but I want time to myself. 

My Brother Went Back

I have my space to myself again. 
I'm finally getting my work done
and I'm feeling less stressed out... 
I GOT DECENT SLEEP LAST NIGHT, FINALLY.

My brother went back to our folks' place the other day. 
Yesterday. 
I got decent sleep last night. 
I'm starting to feel better.

I had a productive night, tonight. 
I got most of my course recorded tonight. 

I got the code I wanted to include with it, fixed.

I have to go over it, again, tomorrow, to finalize some stuff. 
Before I put anything out... 

But I will include a bunch of stuff with it... 

So I am getting stuff together for it, now, 
and finalizing stuff etc, tomorrow. 

I feel like I lost like the last 2 weeks... 
I didn't get done what I wanted to get done. 

So now, I'm trying to catch up on the stuff that I want to do. 
Been wanting to do, for myself. 

I feel pretty good about where it's going... 

And I really like the stuff I have built and am building, 
and the stuff I will build, I'm excited about. 

It's just tiring when I'm tired... 
And waiting for my time and space to do it. 

WHEN I AM WORKING ON SOMETHING, 
I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE TO WORK ON IT.

That has nothing to do with anyone. 

I just can't be there, taking care of other people
(who aren't putting in the work)
AND DO MY WORK AT THE SAME TIME.

AND I OFTEN SACRIFICE THE THINGS I WANT
BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE JUST EXPECT ME TO
WHEN THEY WANT SOMETHING FROM ME.

LEAVING ME DRAINED, TIRED, AND BEHIND
IN MY PLANS. 

Anyway, I feel a bit more caught up, now. 
When I really feel behind and that I lost time... 
WHEN I COULD HAVE BEEN DOING STUFF... 
I FEEL KIND OF AGGRAVATED WITH MYSELF. 

BECAUSE I WANT TO GET SH*T DONE!
I WANT TO GET SOME RESULTS!
I DON'T LIKE WAITING FOR ANYONE!
PEOPLE EXPECTING ME TO WAIT DRIVE ME NUTS!

If I could balance it, that'd be something. 
BUT I'M OFTEN PUTTING PEOPLE ABOVE ME.
AND OFTEN THEY DON'T RESPECT ME, EVEN.

Just really tired of even being around anyone. 
ESPECIALLY BEING AROUND PEOPLE
WHO EXPECT ME TO JUST BE AROUND
BECAUSE THEY WANT SOMETHING FROM ME. 

I DO NOT LIKE THAT FEELING. 

IT DOESN'T FEEL GOOD. 

BEING AROUND PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT ANYTHING
FROM YOU
FEELS DIFFERENT. 

It feels different in a good way, but it kind of feels weird, 
because usually most people want something. 

BECAUSE THEY ARE THINKING OF THEMSELVES,
NOT THINKING OF YOU. 

OR THEY'D CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT. 

LIKE MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO BE KEPT UP ALL NIGHT. 
AND I DON'T WANT TO WAIT FOR YOU ALL DAY.

I WANT TO DO MY OWN THINGS, TOO. 

I DON'T WANT TO BE DRAINED OF MY TIME, 
MY RESOURCES, MY ENERGY, 
MY KINDNESS. 
OF ANYTHING. 

I JUST DON'T. 

ANYONE WHO DOES THAT SH*T, 
I DO NOT WANT TO BE AROUND!

I need my solitude to GET SH*T DONE. 
TO THINK, TO REST, TO PLAN, 
AND GET SH*T DONE...

---------------------------------

I had to think about some sh*t... 
Because I've been asking myself WHY 

WHY IS IT SO "HARD"
FOR SOME PEOPLE
LIKE MIRROR SMASHER
TO GET THEIR HEADS OUT OF THEIR @SSES.

Some people REFUSE to change
BECAUSE THEY ARE AFRAID OF CHANGE.
SO SCARED OF IT
THAT THEY REFUSE IT.

IF THEY WEREN'T, 
THEY'D EMBRACE IT, RIGHT?

THERE'D NEVER BE ANY TRUTH
IN ANY APOLOGY I'D EVER GET FROM HIM, EVER.

AND ANY "APOLOGY"
IS BECAUSE THEY DON'T LIKE "REJECTION"
BECAUSE IT "HURTS" THEIR "EGO/PRIDE."
IT DOESN'T HURT THEIR FEELINGS.
IT'S EGO AND PRIDE THEY PUT ABOVE EVEN FEELINGS.
WHY WOULD THEY THINK ABOUT FEELINGS?
ESPECIALLY MINE?
UNLESS THEY WANTED TO TRY TO "HURT MY FEELINGS"
INTENTIONALLY...

BECAUSE THAT'S ALL THAT WAS.

OR? THEY'D CARE ABOUT MY FEELINGS?
BECAUSE MY FEELINGS WOULD MATTER?
BUT? THEY NEVER DO!

The only reason fake people want to be around real people
IS TO TRY TO ACT LIKE THEM
SO THEY CAN ACT REAL TO FOOL REAL PEOPLE.
TO TRY TO USE THEM. 

BECAUSE WHY WOULD THEY EVER JUST BE REAL?
IF THEY COULD TRY TO GET SOMETHING?

FAKE PEOPLE WILL TRY TO ACT REAL
TO GET SOMETHING THEY WANT.

OR THEY WOULD JUST BE FKN REAL
FOR THE SAKE OF BEING REAL.
BECAUSE WTF DO THEY WANT?
WHAT DO THEY EVER FKN ASK FOR?
WHAT DO THEY EVER TRY TO GET
BY JUST BEING REAL?

That is the difference. 

The difference is that I was never willing to do
any of the things he did to me, 

BECAUSE WHY WOULD I HAVE DONE THAT?!

AND IF HE LIKES ANYTHING ABOUT ME
IT'S THAT HE KNEW THAT I WOULDN'T. 

But knowing that... 
WOULD YOU NOT APPRECIATE THAT?
FOR WHAT THAT WAS?

When you convince yourself that something WORKS
FOR SO LONG...
WHY CHANGE?

UNTIL YOU REALIZE IT DOESN'T WORK?

UNTIL SOMEONE WHO WAS SETTLING FOR THAT
REALIZES WHY TF WAS I SETTLING FOR THAT?
WHEN I DESERVED BETTER THE WHOLE TIME?

I DESERVED FOR IT NOT TO BE ONE-SIDED.
I DESERVED FOR THERE NOT TO BE ANY BS.
I DESERVE HONESTY AND RESPECT.

I'm not going to wait on CHANGE.
WHEN SOMEONE FEELS LIKE TREATING ME BETTER, 
THE WAY I DESERVE TO BE TREATED. 

WHY SHOULD I WAIT FOR THAT?
YEARS! I'D BE WAITING YEARS!
WASTING MY TIME WAITING ON THAT!

FOR NOTHING. FOR DISRESPECT.
IS DISRESPECT SUPPOSED TO GET YOU ANYWHERE
WITH ME? FK NO!

SO WHY WOULD IT HAVE?

WHY WOULD I SETTLE FOR ANY FK BS AT ALL?
I DON'T NOW.

APPARENTLY I USED TO DISRESPECT MYSELF
FOR SETTLING FOR DISRESPECT.

Am I supposed to KEEP TRYING
TO BE "CONVINCED" THAT I WAS THE ISSUE?
THAT WANTING TO BE TREATED BETTER 
WAS THE ISSUE?

THE WAY I SHOULD HAVE BEEN?
LIKE SOMEONE WHO FKN MATTERED?

No, I know what one-sided looks like. 
I WAS SHOWN WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE. 
WHEN IT'S IN YOUR FACE FOR WAY TOO LONG, 
LONGER THAN IT EVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN... 
YOU SEE IT.
YOU KNOW WTF IT LOOKS LIKE. 

And then try to come back like they are trying to
DO ME A FAVOR?

NO. THE FAVOR IS STAYING TF AWAY FROM ME. 

MADE ME WAIT FOR CHANGE
THAT WAS NEVER GOING TO FKN COME. 
THE WHOLE TIME THEY KNEW WHAT THEY WERE DOING. 
AND INSTEAD OF NOT FKN DOING IT, 
THEY JUST WENT AHEAD AND DID IT.
BECAUSE WHY TF WOULD I MATTER AT ALL?
TO FKN ANYONE?

The thing here is that not getting what I had wanted
WAS SUPPOSED TO "BREAK" ME. 

NOT WHEN I REALIZE THAT WHAT I WANTED
WAS WHAT I THOUGHT I WANTED. 

I DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE
WHO WOULD EVER DO ANY OF THAT SH*T TO ME.

HE CREATED THAT SH*T BECAUSE HE WANTED ME
TO HAVE FOMO LIKE HE CLAIMS TO HAVE. 

I DON'T. NOTHING I'M MISSING OUT ON THERE. 
WHAT? SOMEONE WHO'D DO THAT SH*T?
THAT'S WHAT I'M SUPPOSEDLY MISSING OUT ON?

OR... IS HE MISSING OUT ON SOMEONE WHO WOULDN'T?

But when someone needs their ego to be stroked
and you refuse to stroke it
BECAUSE WHY WOULD I ACCEPT DISRESPECT
AND THEN STROKE YOUR EGO? WTF?
JUST FOR YOU TO BE A PETTY, IGNORANT POS?
WAITING FOR YOU TO CAUSE THE NEXT ARGUMENT?
INSTEAD OF HAVING A CONVERSATION?
EXPECTING ME TO LOOK OVER
EVERYTHING ALREADY SAID AND DONE
LIKE IT NEVER WAS SAID OR DONE?

If anything... He would be so spiteful and try to get "revenge"
FOR rejecting him.

HE LIKES PLAYING GAMES, 
BUT HAD I DONE WHAT HE DID, 
HE WOULDN'T FKN LIKE IT!

But because HE FKN DID THAT, 
WHY WOULD I WANT THAT SH*T?

It's all fun and funny
UNTIL IT MAKES THEM LOOK LIKE A POS.

The thing is when people don't want to be rejected, 
sometimes they let the wrong people into their life. 

AND NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU TRY
TO WARN SOMEONE AND HELP THEM... 
NO MATTER WHAT YOU TELL THEM
AND HOW MANY TIMES YOU TRY TO TELL THEM....
AND HOW MUCH YOU WISH THEY'D SEEN
WHAT YOU WERE SAYING AND WHY... 

OFTEN THEY DON'T FKN LISTEN!
SO THEY FIND OUT THE HARD WAY.
AND THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO.

BUT SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO LET THEM
FIND OUT THE WAY THEY DO.

I've been afraid of change...
WHEN A LOT CHANGES IN YOUR LIFE, 
FAST...
FOR THE WRONG REASONS... 
AND THERE'S FK ALL YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT... 

YOU START TO FKN NOT WANT CHANGE. 
EVEN GOOD CHANGE. 

BECAUSE HOW DO YOU KNOW
IF IT IS ACTUALLY GOOD?
WHEN SO MUCH CHANGED THAT WASN'T?

Rejection used to bother me, a lot. 

I'D RATHER BE REJECTED BY SOMEONE
WHO ISN'T FOR ME, PERIOD, 
THAN ACCEPTED BY SOMEONE
WHO ISN'T GOOD FOR ME AND NEVER WAS.

WHAT GOOD IS BEING ACCEPTED BY SOMEONE
WHO FKN PLAYS GAMES
AND REFUSES TO GROW TF UP?

JUST TO BE ACCEPTED BY THEM?
JUST TO NOT BE REJECTED?

What I really REALLY want

What I really need is decent sleep. 
But what I want is... Consideration. 

My brother was up all night Sunday night, 
and he slept like all morning. 

I had a group meeting on Monday that I missed. 
One, I forgot about it. 

HAVING PEOPLE CONSTANTLY AROUND ME, 
IN MY SPACE ALL THE TIME, 
IT'S A DISTRACTION. 
MAKES IT HARDER TO THINK. 

So I was here, waiting for my brother to get up, 
he got up at like 2pm. 

If I had remembered about the meeting, 
I would have had to leave here at like 10:30. 
It takes me a while to get to the other side of town
for 1pm... 

It takes like an hour and a half. 
LONGER WHEN THE BUS DOESN'T SHOW UP!

BEEN IN A LOT OF PAIN, so when I do lay down, 
it's just laying there, in pain... 

THINKING, AND REMEMBERING
THINGS I FORGOT ABOUT
WHEN I'M TRYING TO SLEEP
AND WAKING UP TO REMEMBERING THINGS.

AND BEING P*SSED OFF THAT I FORGOT
AND WHY I FORGOT. 

NOT GETTING ENOUGH SLEEP.
HAVING SOMEONE IN MY SPACE 24/7... 

But could he have not slept until 2pm
IN CASE I HAD ANYTHING TO F*CKING DO?
LIKE IF I AM WAITING FOR HIM TO GET UP, 
AND HE KNOWS THIS, 

WHY SLEEP AS LATE AS POSSIBLE?
JUST TO KEEP ME WAITING FOR YOU?

I AM NOT A F*CKING HOTEL!
THIS ISN'T A VACATION, DUDE.

HAVE A "BREAK" AND FO.
AND IF YOU'VE BEEN SOMEWHERE A WEEK, 
ISN'T THAT LONG ENOUGH FOR YOU?

HOW LONG DO YOU EXPECT ME TO PUT MY LIFE ON HOLD?
FOR YOU?

WEEKS?
JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT A BREAK?
FROM BEING SOMEWHERE YOU DON'T WANT TO BE?

AND GUESS WHAT?
MY FOLKS HAVE A BREAK TOO!

NOW IT IS MY TURN!

What bugs me is BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF.
IF I HAD NO PLACE, HE WOULDN'T BE UP MY @SS.
HE'S ONLY UP MY @SS
BECAUSE I HAVE MY OWN PLACE.
AND I'M TOO FKN NICE. 

OTHERWISE, WOULD I HEAR FROM HIM?

IF HE WANTED TO BE OVER THERE, 
HE WOULD BE!

Anyway, as THE OLDEST SIBLING, 
EVERYONE FKN COUNTS ON ME. 

THE CURSE OF THE OLDEST SIBLING. 

-------------------------------

For some reason I started seeing Carney's posts on my feed. 
For the most part, I've tried to ignore them... 
AND HAVE HAD TO REMIND MYSELF
THAT REACTION, 
EVEN IF I HAVE SOLID POINTS TO MAKE... 
CAN COME AROUND AND BITE ME IN THE @SS. 
SOMEHOW. 

It just really f*cking bugs me that all they seem to want to talk about
ARE OUR NEW DEALS WITH CHINA, 
AFTER CALLING CHINA CANADA'S BIGGEST THREAT
JUST LAST YEAR FFS.

YOU THINK THEY STOPPED BEING A THREAT?
YOU THINK THEY COULD NOT TURN ON US?

YOU THINK THEY DON'T HAVE WEAPONS?

They have a thing that doesn't need explosives to fire. 
It requires energy, electricity. 
It can fire at Mach 7. 

Mach 7 is... Fast.
So fast that it's the speeds of some supersonic jets.

It's not just about oil and electric cars... 

BUT WHAT BOTHERS ME
ARE THE PEOPLE WHO CAN'T AFFORD
THE FKN ELECTRIC CARS AREN'T BEING THOUGHT OF. 

THE PEOPLE WHO ARE CHOOSING HEATING OVER EATING... 

DO THEY GAF ABOUT ELECTRIC CARS?

There are around 85,000 homeless people in Ontario.
People freezing to death and dying in tent fires... 

Don't Expect Too Much!!!!

My brother has the audacity to say:
"Mind turning it down?" About my audio...
While crashing at my place, for days... 

Like if I was crashing at his place, 
for days, 
would I have a right to ask him to turn his audio down?

AFTER KEEPING ME AWAKE?
FOR DAYS?

HIS AUDIO IS ON RIGHT NOW.
I HAVEN'T ASKED HIM TO TURN HIS DOWN, 
OR USE HIS HEADPHONES, 
OR TURN IT OFF... 

I HAVEN'T ASKED HIM SH*T. 
AND HE WANTS TO ASK ME?!
IN MY HOUSE?
DA FUQ?

He literally has woken me up, 
kept me awake, 
expected me to be awake late
to let him in when he went out the other night... 

And if I ask him to go back to my folks
BEFORE HE'S READY TO OR WANTS TO
HE WILL GET ALL P*SSY ABOUT IT. 

BECAUSE HE WANTED TO RUSH BACK
THAT DAY I HAD PLANS. 

IF HE WANTED TO BE AT MY FOLKS, 
HE WOULDN'T HAVE COME HERE. 

HE DIDN'T WANT TO COME HERE, 
TO BE HERE. 

HE CAME HERE TO BE AWAY FROM THERE. 

OR HE WOULD BE THERE!

AND IT IS NOT MY FAULT HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE THERE!
AND I AM NOT MY BROTHER'S KEEPER!
AND I ALREADY GAVE HIM THE BREAK HE WANTED. 

NOW I NEED A FKN BREAK. 

FROM FKN EVERYONE. 

BUT ESPECIALLY PEOPLE WHO WANT TO FKN USE ME. 

IT REALLY FKN BUGS ME. 

Tomorrow I have to have a talk with him. 
Maybe give him a couple more days, but that's it. 

I'M NOT A FKN HOTEL, FOR ONE. 

FOR TWO, I FKN LIVE HERE. 
HE FKN DOESN'T. 
SO HE DOESN'T GET TO ASK ME SH*T. 

FKN ACTING LIKE HE DOES, 
OR TRYING TO, 

IS PART OF WHY I DON'T WANT HIM TO.

I LIVED WITH HIM BEFORE. 

Why do you think I don't want to live with anyone?
Because of the way people fkn treat me?

WHEN THEY WANT SOMETHING FROM ME... 
AND IT'S ONLY BECAUSE I HAVE SOMETHING THEY WANT. 
ANOTHER PLACE TO BE, AN ESCAPE. 

I DON'T FKN OWE THEM FKN ANYTHING!
DO I OWE EVERYONE WHATEVER TF THEY WANT?
FK NO!

SO WHY DO SOME PEOPLE STILL THINKING
THAT I FKN DO!

I DON'T!

But the talk will trigger his fkn attitude.
And if he gives me fkn attitude he can fkn go.

I don't need that sh*t. Never needed it. 

BUT DOES HAVING ANYTHING ANYONE WANTS
STOP THEM FROM TAKING ME FOR GRANTED?
WHAT IF I WASN'T AROUND TO USE ANYMORE?
TO GET ANYTHING FROM?

WHAT IF I TOLD EVERYONE TO FK RIGHT OFF?

WHAT? YOU WANT ME TO TURN MY AUDIO DOWN, 
WITH YOURS STILL PLAYING?

DON'T YOU HAVE HEADPHONES YOU CAN USE?
IF YOU WANTED TO?
BUT YOU'RE TOO LAZY TO GET THEM?
SO I HAVE TO DO WHAT YOU WANT?
TO APPEASE YOU?
BECAUSE YOU'RE BEING SELFISH AGAIN?

Sure, I could use my headphones, too, 
AND I USUALLY DO, 
IN MY OWN HOME FFS. 

NOT TO "DISTURB" MY BROTHER WHEN HE IS SLEEPING, 
AT MY FKN HOME... !!!

LIKE IN THE MORNINGS, I'M PRETTY QUIET. 
TO LET HIM SLEEP.

AND HE SLEEPS DURING THE DAY, TOO!

I HAVE NOT RECORDED A VIDEO IN A WHILE, 
BECAUSE HE'D BE SNORING XYZ... 

BUT HAVE I EVER SAID:
"MIND NOT XYZ?" 

"MIND GOING OUT FOR THE DAY
SO I CAN HAVE THE DAY TO MYSELF TO RECORD?"

"INSTEAD OF CRASHING OUT
IN MY LIVING ROOM, LIKE YOU LIVE HERE?"

BECAUSE: YOU DON'T!
YOU'RE A GUEST HERE!
NOT A RESIDENT!

IF I AM A GUEST ANYWHERE, 
DO I HAVE A RIGHT TO ASK THEM 
TO FKN DO ANYTHING?
IN THEIR OWN HOME?

EXTRA FOR ME?
WHEN I DON'T FKN HAVE TO?
ONLY BECAUSE I'D BE BEING SELFISH?
FOR WANTING WHAT I WANTED FROM THEM?

AND DO I HAVE A RIGHT TO HAVE WHAT I WANT?
JUST FOR FKN WANTING IT?
FK NO!

SO WHY DO PEOPLE TRY TO TREAT ME
LIKE THEY HAVE EVERY FKN RIGHT
TO EVERYTHING THEY WANT FROM ME?

ALL THE FKN TIME?

They have zero right to ask me for fk all. 

WHAT DO I ASK THEM FOR?
ANYTHING?

AND THE VERY FKN LITTLE I WANT... 
TO LISTEN TO WHAT I WANT TO... 
IN MY HOME... 

HIS AUDIO IS ON.
HE'S BEEN USING MY TV!

Y'KNOW? ALL THE THINGS I FKN DO FOR EVERYONE
AND THEY ALWAYS STILL FKN WANT MORE!

LIKE AFTER MONDAY, I JUST WANT TO BE ON MY OWN. 
IT'LL BE LIKE A WEEK TOMORROW PRETTY SURE. 

OF BEING HERE AND BEING EXPECTED TO BE HERE
TO LET HIM IN OR BE HERE WITH HIM. 
OF NOT HAVING TIME TO MYSELF. 

I LOVE MY BROTHER, BUT I NEED MY OWN SPACE. 

I CAN TAKE PEOPLE IN DOSES, BUT TOO MUCH IS TOO MUCH. 
AND IT'S TOO MUCH
WHEN THEY EXPECT TOO MUCH FROM ME. 

I DON'T LIKE IT!
I HATE IT!

IT MAKES ME WANT TO TELL EVERYONE TO JUST FK OFF!|
LIKE ALL THE WAY OFF!