Challenge

I signed up for a challenge thing.
The challenge is an AI challenge
to get a domain and create a resource etc.

I have a domain. 
I have a resource already. 
One I wrote myself, though. 

I kind of feel like revamping it, anyway.
As far as what's been said is that free tools
and calculators can do just as good as free downloads.

Been wanting to test some stuff out anyway.
Let's see what they think of mine?

Been working on it, but it's not ready yet.
Tonight I worked on it, but got into watching videos
the guy who's doing the challenge puts out videos.
That's how I looked into the challenge.

I've seen a few of the "contenders"
Pretty impressive.

All I have are a bunch of PDFs.
I have already written them, and didn't use AI.
If I 'rewrite' them with AI? 

What I'm much more interested in is having tools on my site.

I remember a guy I've seen his videos from when he first started.
He's been making money online and he has tools on his site.

Pretty sure he has ads on his site.
The 'ads' I have on mine just point to my affiliate links.

I made 3 second 'videos' a gif pretty much.
I used the video tag to put the video on the site and set it to loop.
Then I wrapped the video itself in a link tag to make it clickable.
The link just happens to be my affiliate link.

I need a solid sleep to tackle it, though.
I was up all night, listening to his videos.
3+ hours. 

Maybe it's the kick in the pants I've needed to just go for it.
I have most of it set up already.

I've decided to keep the format that I've got for this part.
I needed some interactivity to make it engaging.

So the next part is to make the thing slide down
to the next section when the button is clicked.
Which I have figured out how to do.

I had to fix the styles of the buttons to match
the rest of my site, the next part is to make the buttons work.
Then all the links need to work, 
and I have to shorten it, 
create a form of some type
that actually will capture the data for me.
and encrypt it.

Or whatever so that I am the only one who can access it.
Because it'll be my subscriber database.

Just sitting here, right now, 
I can think of all the things I need to do.
Step by step and how long it'll take.
And wanting to do it now,
vs having to sleep first.

Swollen

The other night, I went to get checked out
because my legs and feet are swollen.

They haven't been this bad since I got off the bus lol.
72 hours of traveling will do that, I guess.

Been really caught up in working on my website.
I'm trying to fix a chat bot thing for my FAQ page.

Trying interactive stuff for my thing.
Building it is a bit of a hassle.

A lady at the hospital had swollen legs, too.
BUT SHE WAS MAKING A HUGE DEAL
ABOUT HAVING TO WAIT.
SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE DOING IT.

AND WHEN A NURSE CAME TO GET HER
WHEN HER NAME WAS CALLED...
SHE SAYS: "I USED TO BE A NURSE"!!!!

SHE LITERALLY BROUGHT UP SUING FOUR TIMES.

I made a few people laugh in the waiting room.
Someone was calling out someone's name, 
and it sounded like "birdy nom noms."
So I said it. "Birdy nom noms."

If you don't know what birdy nom noms is from, 
it's from a movie called The Party.
With Peter Sellers.

In the movie, the guy from India
accidentally gets fired from a movie production,
AND THEN GETS ACCIDENTALLY INVITED
TO A PARTY AT THE BOSS'S HOUSE.

And I had a pleasure of being across from a person
who decided to give us all a free 5 seconds for fresh methane.

Nobody said anything! Not even a groan.
While WTF and whatever else hung in the air.
Over all of us lol.

It was an "alrighty then" moment.
WHAT PART OF LIVING HERE HASN'T BEEN?
IT'S CANADA FFS.

Imagine getting kicked out of a hospital
for an adverse reaction to a public poot.

(and this wasn't a little poot...
This was full @ss blast.
ASS. BLAST.)

THE KIND OF THING PEOPLE
SHOULD BE TAUGHT TO JUST GO
INTO THE BATHROOM TO DO.

BECAUSE EVEN IF THEY HEARD IT
FROM THE BATHROOM,
THEY COULDN'T SEE YOU
TO PROVE IT WAS YOU.
AND YOU WOULDN'T BE ALL LIKE:
F*CK ALL OF Y'ALL, SMELL THIS!

BUT NOT EVEN ONE PERSON
COMMENTING SOMETHING LIKE "RUDE!"
NOTHING. BUT WTF.

IT'S LIKE SOMETHING FROM RIDICULOUSNESS.

You know how many WTF things I've SEEN, here? HERE?
AND IT WOULD ACTUALLY BE WTF
COMING FROM ME.

SO YOU THINK I DON'T RESPECT MYSELF
ENOUGH NOT TO BLAST @SS IN THE WAITING ROOM?

BUT IMAGINE WAITING 10 HOURS+
TO GET KICKED OUT FOR SHAMING AN @SS BLASTER.

WHO SHOULD HAVE HAD ENOUGH SHAME
NOT TO SUBJECT EVERYONE, THERE,
TO THAT "SH*T."

SHAME IS SUPPOSED TO BE A TOOL TO USE
FOR SELF-RESTRAINT.

LIKE I WOULD BE "TOO ASHAMED" TO XYZ.
TO BLAST @SS IN A PUBLIC PLACE.

LIKE A HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM
AS THOUGH IT WAS MY OWN LIVING ROOM.
AS THOUGH NOBODY ELSE WAS THERE.
AS THOUGH I HAVE A RIGHT TO JUST
HOLD THEM HOSTAGE 
BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO STAY AND WAIT.

MAY AS WELL PUMP METHANE INTO THE ROOM
EVERY 5 SECONDS...

Anyway, just trying to keep things lighter.

But the point is people think I'm on drugs
BECAUSE I CAN AMUSE MYSELF.

DRUGS ARE FOR PEOPLE
WHO CAN'T F*CKING AMUSE THEMSELVES LOL.

"I'M SO BORED. LET'S GET HIGH!" WTF.

GO FUCKING LEARN SOMETHING.
AND F*CKING ENJOY IT.

CAN'T YOU MAKE UP A SONG?
TO SING TO YOURSELF AS YOU WAIT?

CAN'T YOU THINK JOKES TO YOURSELF?
AND HAVE A LITTLE CHUCKLE?

CAN'T YOU EVEN HAVE A LAUGH AT YOURELF?

AS SOMEONE who tends to find farts funny,
That wasn't a fart. It was an @ss blast.
Big difference.

People, in other countries...
WOULD BE SO OFFENDED BY THAT...

STONED FOR DROPPING A STONE
IN KILOS JUST FROM BLASTING @SS.

I laughed at my mother, she barely gains weight.
She said something about gaining a pound.
And I joked she'd lose it just by farting.

A Monty Python type o' style skit:

Preparing an @ss blaster to burn at a stake.
Judge: And what is the accusation of the accused?
Public: @ss blasting in a hospital waiting room.
Judge: Carry on.

Ever thought about it? How did it actually end?
The witch trials? How did it end?
Were they convinced what they were doing was wrong?
That they probably killed people
who weren't "witches" or whatever?

"We got tired of k!lling 'witches'"?

Or we'd still be doing the WTF things we used to do.
And try justifying it by old 'untrue' beliefs.

LIKE SOMEONE ACCUSING ME OF STEALING.
AND TRYING TO JUSTIFY TREATING ME
AS THOUGH I WOULD EVEN DO THAT
BY ASSUMING THAT I DID.

REPLACE THE WORD STEALING WITH XYZ.

WOULDN'T IT BE WTF
TO BE TREATED LIKE THEY STOLE OR XYZ
WHEN THEY DIDN'T?

Okay, an example here:
A show I was watching. 

A guy spent 5 years in jail for child support
ON A KID WHO ISN'T HIS.

You'd think the courts
would have to prove the kid was HIS
before locking someone up.

Accusing him of not supporting his kid, 
but wasn't his kid.

And she knew the kid
was probably not his.

And another female, her husband
got DNA tests on all 4 of "his kids"
and all 4 of them weren't his.

He confronted her about it
WHILE STILL TAKING CARE OF THE KIDS
WHO AREN'T HIS.
AND SHE REFUSED TO TALK ABOUT IT
OR ADMIT ANYTHING.
THEN 'HUNG OUT WITH THE CHANDELIER."

Those are the words he used to describe what she did.
INSTEAD OF TALKING TO HER HUSBAND.
ADMITTING TO DOING WHAT SHE DID.

HE STAYED WITH HER, TOOK CARE OF THE KIDS
LIKE HE ALWAYS HAD.

IF HE WAS GOING TO LEAVE HER,
HE HAD A REASON, RIGHT?
BUT DID HE?

SO THEY COULD SAY SHE WAS SCARED HE WOULD.
WHO KNOWS?

WASN'T THINKING ABOUT THOSE KIDS, THOUGH.

Being someone who's parent committed suicide,
I know what that's like. I understand it on a level
THAT I WISH I DIDN'T.
BUT I DO.

THAT'S WHAT ISN'T GOING THROUGH SOMEONE'S MIND
WHEN THEY THINK SELFISHLY, LIKE THAT.

BUT SOMEONE PUT IT TO ME THIS WAY:
WOULD IT BE SELFISH OF ME
TO WANT SOMEONE TO KEEP LIVING
FOR MY SAKE
IF THEY JUST DON'T, ANYMORE?

TO WANT TO FEEL LIKE
MAYBE I WAS THE REASON
THEY KEPT GOING AND WANTED TO.
I DUNNO.

WOULD THAT BE JUST AS SELFISH?
WHICH WOULD BE MORE SELFISH?

Wanting to die vs wanting to mean enough to want to stay?

Anyway, I'm probably going back to bed soon.
An alarm clock thing on this computer woke me up
and I had to stay awake to turn it off.
And it didn't want to turn off... Easily.

The swelling in my feet went down at least.
It was as though I didn't have ankles.

I knew a female who dated a male who'd
make comments about her weight.
Including that she had cankles.

She'd cry to me about how mean he was to her.
Instead of being like "f*ck this dude."

The dude I've been P*SSED at
STILL DOESN'T REALIZE
WHY I'VE BEEN P*SSED AT HIM.

HE'S AVOIDING ME FOR TREATING HIM
"LIKE A 2 YEAR OLD WHO CAN'T SEE
WHAT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM"

THAT'S HOW HE WAS ACTING!
BEING P*SSED AT HIM FOR ACTING LIKE THAT.
TO ME.

ISN'T THE SAME THING AS TREATING HIM
LIKE HE IS.

IT'S BEING P*SSED THAT HE'S ACTING LIKE IT.

It'd be cool if people were actually self-aware.
IS IT MY FAULT THAT THEY AREN'T?
BUT I GET BLAMED THAT THEY'RE NOT!!!

SHOULD I BLAME HIM?

YEAH, FOR ACTING THE WAY HE ACTED.
TOWARDS ME.

DOES HE ACT LIKE THAT TO EVERYONE?
OR JUST ME?

PROBABLY NOT TO EVERYONE.
BECAUSE HE WOULDN'T WANT EVERYONE
TO SEE HIM OR LOOK AT HIM LIKE THAT, RIGHT?

DOESN'T MATTER IF I DO, I GUESS.
BECAUSE WHY SHOULD HE CARE
ABOUT HOW I LOOK AT HIM?
HOW I SEE HIM?

IF HE DIDN'T ACT LIKE THAT, 
MAYBE I WOULD SEE HIM
THE WAY I USED TO LOOK AT HIM.

BUT I'M TO BLAME FOR HOW HE ACTS!!!!
FOR BEING P*SSED AT HIM
FOR ACTING LIKE THAT?!

GEE, WHY AM I P*SSSED?!
IF HE UNDERSTOOD AND LISTENED,
HE WOULD F*CKING KNOW WHY.

IT SHOULDN'T TAKE MUCH TO SEE WHY.
AND IF HE DOESN'T HAVE THE CAPACITY?

HE JUST WANTS TO LEAVE THE PAST IN THE PAST.
BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO LEARN ANYTHING
FROM HIS F*CKING ACTIONS.

AND WON'T EVER ADMIT OR ACKNOWLEDGE ANYTHING!
WHY? BECAUSE IT WOULD BE LIKE ADMITTING
THAT HE ACTED THE WAY HE ACTED!!!

CAN'T COME OUT OF HIS EGO TO DO THAT.
AND THAT'S MY FAULT TOO?! 

This is WHY I don't want a relationship anymore.
It's not on me to "deal" with someone's actions.
Especially anyone who can't realize
ANYTHING ABOUT THEMSELVES.
INCLUDING HOW THEY ARE ACTING.

OR THAT IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
BECAUSE IT'S THEIR RESPONSIBILITY.

LIKE HE'S MISSING STUFF THAT HE DIDN'T WANT
TO COME GET OR SPEAK TO ME
ABOUT COMING TO GET.

AND HAD HE GOT HIS OWN THINGS...
INSTEAD OF TRYING TO MAKE ME
RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS THINGS,
HE WOULD HAVE COLLECTED EVERYTHING OF HIS.

AND MY BROTHER WOULDN'T HAVE COME
TO PICK UP ALL HIS THINGS
AND F*CKING BROUGHT THEM
TO THE F*CKING GUY.

AND HE'LL STILL COMPLAIN
THAT WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH
BECAUSE HIS STUFF WENT MISSING?

DURING THE 7 F*CKING MONTHS
IT TOOK FOR HIM TO REALIZE
THAT I DON'T HAVE THEM
BECAUSE I WAS THE ONE
WHO KEPT HAVING TO BE UP HIS @SS
ABOUT HIM GETTING HIS THINGS
TF OUT OF MY HOUSE?

IF HE CARED ABOUT HIS THINGS
ENOUGH TO ACCUSE ME OF TAKING ANYTHING
WHY NOT COME GET THEM?

AND GIVE ME MY KEY BACK HIMSELF?
INSTEAD OF ACTING LIKE A 2 YEAR OLD.
*CROSSING ARMS* "I DON'T WANNA!" "NO!"

TELL ME NO. THAT YOU'RE NOT GETTING YOUR THINGS.
THEN EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR THINGS HERE
UNTIL YOU "WANNA" COME GET THEM.
AFTER I KICKED YOU OUT
FOR NOT WANTING CONSIDERING ME
OR ANYTHING I HAD TO SAY.
NOT EVEN CARING THAT HIS BS IS BS.
BUT I'M TO BLAME?

WHAT IF SOMEONE CALLED THE COPS ON HIM
ON CHRISTMAS JUST TO TELL HIM I DID IT?

WHAT IF SOMEONE TOOK HIS STUFF
TO TELL HIM I DID IT?

TO "MAKE" SOME MORE "REASONS"
TO MAKE HIM WANT TO "HATE" ME.

BECAUSE IF HE REALIZED
WHY I DID ANYTHING FOR HIM AT ALL...
MAYBE HE WOULD HAVE REALIZED A LOT
A LONG TIME AGO
AND THERE WOULDN'T BE ANYTHING
TO BE P*SSED ABOUT.

BUT INSTEAD OF BLAMING THE LIARS.
THE ONES WHO ACTUALLY DID THINGS TO HIM
TO BLAME ME FOR DOING THEM...

HE'D RATHER BLAME ME.
LIKE THEY WANT HIM TO!

DOES HE EVEN GET WHY THEY'D DO THAT?
BECAUSE I TRIED EXPLAINING THAT, TOO.

IS THERE ANY REASON TO EXPLAIN WHY
I'VE BEEN P*SSED AT SOMEONE
WHO CAN'T OR REFUSES TO GET WHY?

IS THERE A POINT IN THAT? NO?
SO WHY BOTHER?

HE'S UPSET FOR BEING "TREATED LIKE THAT"
LIKE WHAT? CALLING YOU OUT?
FOR ACTING LIKE AN IGNORANT TWAT?
SHOULD I JUST BE KISSING YOUR @SS
FOR YOUR MONEY?
LIKE OTHER GIRLS?

OR SHOULD I BE TELLING YOU
TO GO F*CK YOURSELF.

YOU THINK ANY MONEY'S WORTH THAT SH*T?
AND KISSING @SS FOR IT?

AND ACTING MATURELY
ISN'T EXPECTING YOU TO KISS MY @SS.

IT'S ABOUT SEEING WHAT'S IN FRONT OF YOU.
TO SEE I WOULDN'T DO THAT BS TO YOU!

WHY? BECAUSE I'M MATURE ENOUGH NOT TO!

IS SEEING WHAT YOU HAVE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU
ABOUT K*SSING ANYONE'S @SS?

IS SEEING WHAT YOU HAVE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU
MAYBE THE LEAST YOU COULD DO?

BUT HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?
WHEN YOU HAVE PEOPLE TRYING TO BLAME
A WHOLE BUNCH OF BS ON ME?

INCLUDING USING THEIR "INFLUENCE"
OVER YOU AGAINST ME.

TO COMPETE WITH ME LOL.

WHY COMPETE WITH ME
IF I'M NOT EVEN ON YOUR "RADAR"? LOL

BUT EVERY TIME I TRY HAVING A CONVERSATION.
AND I POINT OUT THINGS
THAT ADULTS SHOULD KNOW, AS ADULTS...

I'M THE "PROBLEM."

BUT USING STUPID TACTICS.
NOT READING WHAT I WROTE, NOT LISTENING, 
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT."

THEN ASK ME. IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
BUT I GET TREATED LIKE I'M SPEAKING
A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT LANGUAGE
BECAUSE THEY COULD EASILY SEE MY POV
IF THEY F*CKING WANTED TO.

BECAUSE WHEN I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THINGS
I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE EXPLAINING
SO PEOPLE CAN "KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING"

THEN BLAME ME FOR ME HAVING TO EVEN DO THAT?
AND FOR BEING UPSET FOR THESE THINGS:

1) IF THEY WANTED TO TREAT ME PROPERLY
THEY WOULD HAVE JUST F*CKING LISTENED.

2) FOR NOT ADDRESSING THINGS THAT SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE ADDRESSED.

3) FOR ME EXPECTING THEM TO DO IT, ADDRESS IT.

LIKE I'M TREATING THEM LIKE A 2 YEAR OLD
FOR THEM ACTING LIKE THAT?

BUT THE 2 YEAR OLDS GET TREATED LIKE ADULTS?
IS THAT HOW IT WORKS? 

OR YOU WOULD TREAT ME LIKE AN ADULT
BY BEING A F*CKING ADULT.
TOWARDS ME. CORRECT?

DUDE LITERALLY WENT "BLAH BLAH" TO ME.
KEEPS INSULTING ME. CHOSE TO.

BUT IS "BLAH BLAH" SOMETHING A 40 YEAR OLD
SHOULD BE DOING?

OR IS "SORRY I EVER WAS A TW@T TO YOU"
"I SHOULDN'T EVER BEEN A TW@T TO YOU"
"I SHOULDN'T HAVE LISTENED TO THE ONES
COMING AGAINST YOU AND TELLING ME
TO BE AGAINST YOU
BECAUSE I HAD NO REASON
TO BE AGAINST YOU

"BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T GIVE ME A REASON
TO BE AGAINST YOU."

"BECAUSE YOU ACTUALLY WANTED
ME TO BE IN YOUR LIFE
IN A MEANINGFUL WAY."

"I'M THE ONE WHO COULDN'T SEE
THE PEOPLE AROUND ME DIDN'T WANT
ME TO BE IN YOUR LIFE
IN A MEANINGFUL WAY."

"AND ACTED THE WAY THEY ACTED
TOWARDS YOU."

"DID THINGS TO ME TO BLAME YOU
SO THAT I WOULD BLAME YOU"

"TO PUSH YOU AWAY EVEN FURTHER
AND TO INSULT YOU EVEN MORE
THAN EVERYTHING ELSE ALREADY"

"AND BLAMED YOU FOR THINGS 
THAT ARE MY FAULT."

"I'M THE ONE WHO CHOSE
TO BE THE WAY I WAS BEING
TOWARDS YOU."

"I'M THE ONE WHO DIDN'T CARE
ENOUGH NOT TO CHOOSE
NOT TO BE THE WAY I WAS BEING
TOWARDS YOU."

"BECAUSE YOU SAW ME
THE WAY YOU TOLD ME YOU SAW ME
A LONG TIME AGO"

"SO I SHOULDN'T HAVE GIVEN YOU A REASON
TO STOP SEEING ME
THE WAY YOU TOLD ME YOU SAW ME."

"BECAUSE I WOULD BE ACTING
LIKE AN IDIOT AND A CHILD FOR DOING THAT
ESPECIALLY TO YOU
OF ALL PEOPLE."

But what do I get? Blah. Blah.
Blah f*cking blah. 

And they expect me to be in a 'girl fight'
over that? LOL.

Give me a f*cking break.
My self-respect means a lot more to me
than ANY BS anymore.

THIS EXPERIENCE AND MANY OTHERS
THAT WERE VERY SIMILAR
IS WHY.

WHY WOULD I FIGHT FOR BLAH BLAH FFS?
WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE
IN ANYONE'S CORNER FOR BLAH BLAH?

DO I THINK THAT'S ATTRACTIVE?
OR IMMATURE?
CONSIDERING EVERYTHING ELSE ALREADY?

AND THE FACT THAT YOU SEEM TO THINK
I'M NOT WORTH ADMITTING THOSE THINGS TO.
BUT WHY WOULD YOU?
YOU'RE AN "ADULT"
AND CAN JUST DO WHAT YOU "WANT" TO.
AND REFUSE TO DO THE THINGS YOU "DON'T"

ANYTHING WRONG WITH ADMITTING
ANYTHING TO ME?

OR IS THE PROBLEM THAT YOU "CAN'T"
SO WHY "SHOULD" YOU EVEN "TRY" 

WOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?
OR SHOULD I JUST GIVE YOU "BLAH BLAH"
AND MAKE IT A HASSLE
TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH YOU?

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT "ADULTS" SEEM TO DO?
MAKE EVERYTHING A HUGE HASSLE
AND BLAME EVERYONE ELSE
FOR DOING THAT, TO THEM.

INSTEAD OF MAYBE NOT GIVING ME A REASON
TO SEE THEM AS SOMEONE
WHO ONLY SEEMS TO WANT TO
MAKE EVERYTHING A HUGE HASSLE
INCLUDING JUST LISTENING TO ME.

INCLUDING SEEING MY POV.
INCLUDING CARING ENOUGH 
TO WANT TO SEE MY POV.

BUT CAN'T EXPECT ANYONE TO WANT TO.

SEEMS THE ONES WHO DEMAND THAT THEY DO
ARE THE ONES WHO SEEM TO GET THAT.

IS IT BECAUSE I'M NOT DEMANDING IT?
BUT MAYBE A TAD INSULTED
BECAUSE IT SHOULDN'T BE
THE HARDEST THING IN THE WORLD
AND I DON'T WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE IT'S
THE HARDEST THING IN THE WORLD.

ESPECIALLY NOT FOR SOMEONE
WHO YOU COULD HAVE CARED ABOUT
AS MUCH AS THEY CARED ABOUT YOU.

CARED ENOUGH ABOUT

TO JUST...
"CONFRONT MYSELF
ABOUT THE THINGS YOU'VE TOLD ME
AND KEPT TELLING ME
BECAUSE I KEPT REFUSING TO
CONFRONT MYSELF
AND BLAMED YOU
WHICH IS INCREDIBLY INSULTING
TO YOU."

"AND I WOULD BE INCREDIBLY INSULTED
IF YOU DID THAT TO ME."

But blah f*cking blah. 
And I'm supposed to want THAT? LOL!
OR ANYTHING ELSE THAT CAME
BEFORE THAT?

AND JUST "PUT THE PAST IN THE PAST"
BECAUSE IT WASN'T "AS BAD AS THAT"
AND IF IT WAS, WAS "YOUR FAULT"
THE "FRIENDSHIP" ENDED.

WHAT F*CKING FRIENDSHIP?
IN WHICH YOU BLAME ME 
AND NEVER CONFRONT YOURSELF?
AND LET OTHERS BLAME ME, TOO?
FOR DOING TO YOU WHAT I NEVER DID?
BECAUSE YOU NEVER SAW
WHY I WOULDN'T?
WHY I WOULDN'T WANT THAT?

BUT I'M TO BLAME FOR THINGS
HE DOESN'T WANT TO DO
BECAUSE I'M THE ONE "MAKING IT A HASSLE"
FOR HIM TO JUST DO THAT?
LIKE I'M THE ONE SAYING BLAH BLAH?

TO JUST CONFRONT HIMSELF?
ON HOW HE'S ACTING?
BY BEING THE ONE SAYING BLAH BLAH
AND BLAMING ME FOR HIM SAYING BLAH BLAH
AND NOT BEING MATURE ENOUGH NOT TO?
JUST FOR ME POINTING IT OUT, THOUGH.

BECAUSE HOW DARE I CONFRONT HIM
ABOUT HIM NOT CONFRONTING HIMSELF?
AND BLAMING ME FOR REFUSING TO JUST DO THAT?
AS THOUGH I WOULD MAKE IT
THE HARDEST THING IN THE WORLD
FOR HIM TO JUST DO.

BUT YOU DON'T GET TO JUST DO A WHOLE BUNCH
OR REFUSING TO JUST DO THAT
AND BLAMING ME FOR REFUSING TO.
AND EXPECT ME TO WANT TO
"JUST PUT THE PAST IN THE PAST."

AND EXPECT ME TO SEE YOU 
THE WAY I USED TO SEE YOU...

BECAUSE IF YOU WANTED
TO KEEP MY IMAGE OF YOU INTACT,

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE REFUSED TO DO THAT.
AND YOU DEFINITELY WOULDN'T HAVE BLAMED ME
FOR YOU REFUSING TO DO THAT.

DO I WANT MORE HASSLES THAN I HAVE ALREADY?
WITHOUT ANYONE TRYING TO MAKE
SAYING AND UNDERSTANDING THESE THINGS
SUCH A HUGE HASSLE?

SHOULD I MAKE IT A HUGE HASSLE TO EVERYONE
WHO SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO TELL ME THESE THINGS...

TO TELL ME THESE THINGS?
JUST BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR IT?
ABOUT MYSELF?

DON'T THEY SEE THE IRONY OF DOING THINGS
AND ACTING A WAY TO SOMEONE
WHO WOULDN'T HAVE ACTED THAT WAY, TO YOU?

BECAUSE THEY ARE MATURE ENOUGH NOT TO?

BUT WHEN YOU ACT LIKE "YOU WOULDN'T WANT
THIS BS DONE TO YOU"
YOU'RE THE ONE CAUSING PROBLEMS?

Should I let other people do sh*t to me
to blame you for doing it to me?

It had to do with me, right?
Because I'm not impressed with your BS?
So I need to put my self-respect aside
to be about some BS to you
for you to be about some BS to me?

No? I don't need to do that?
And what? I'm mature enough to know
that I don't need to be doing that?

Because any "point" in doing that
is pointless to me?

But that's the "point" I'm trying to make?
Not any of the points I actually made.

But blame me for making a point
OF MAKING A POINT OF
MAKING A POINT
OF THE POINT
OF WHAT I WAS MAKING A POINT
ABOUT.

INSTEAD OF JUST GETTING THE POINT
OF THE POINT
OF THE POINT
OF THE ACTUAL POINT.

If you can't or don't want to get the point
I'm not the "reason" for that.

Since I'm not the reason for that
Should I be treated like I am?

OR IS THAT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WHEN YOU REFUSE TO CONFRONT YOURSELF?
AND BLAME ME FOR YOU REFUSING TO DO THAT?

SHOULD I REFUSE TO CONFRONT MYSELF?
AND BLAME EVERYONE FOR THAT?

OR WOULD THAT BE IMMATURE OF ME?
BECAUSE I USED TO DO THAT
AND SAW HOW IMMATURE IT WAS
FOR ME TO DO THAT
LET ALONE KEEP DOING
TO PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY SAW ME
IN ANY TYPE OF LIGHT
TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME
AT ALL.

YET I KEPT HAVING IT DONE TO ME.
BY PEOPLE WHO I SAW IN SOME TYPE OF LIGHT
TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH.

IF I HAD NO ISSUES WITH BEING BLAMED
AND IT WAS ACTUALLY MY FAULT
I WOULD TAKE THE BLAME.

BUT YOU REFUSING TO DO SOMETHING
BECAUSE YOU DON'T "WANNA"
BECAUSE YOU STILL "WANNA" TO ACT
LIKE BLAH BLAH IS "MATURE"
AND NOT "CHILDISH"

BUT I'M THE ONE TREATING YOU
THAT YOU'RE A CHILD FOR ACTING LIKE ONE?

WHEN SURELY YOU KNOW, BY NOW?
AND IF YOU KNOW, ACT LIKE YOU KNOW!

SHOULD I ACT LIKE I KNOW IF I ALREADY KNOW?
YEAH? SO SHOULDN'T YOU? TOO?

BUT SHOULD I BE TREATED LIKE I'M THE ONE TO BLAME
FOR NOT WANTING TO?

BECAUSE IF YOU'RE ACTING LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW...
DO YOU ACTUALLY KNOW OR ACTING LIKE YOU DON'T?

BECAUSE YOU COULD ACT LIKE YOU KNOW
IF YOU WANTED TO ACT LIKE YOU KNOW.
YOU KNOW?

But on top of all that, other females contacting me
to threaten me?
Because they are insecure about themselves?
But I'm to blame for that?
So they have to do things to try to spite me? 

But had anyone acted like they knew,
toward me, would there be ANY "problems"
ANYTHING TO CONFRONT THEM ABOUT?
ANYTHING TO CONFRONT THEMSELVES ABOUT?

OR DO THEY JUST "WANNA" LIE?
TO THEMSELVES?

OR ELSE WHY REFUSE TO DO IT?
AND BLAME ME FOR REFUSING TO DO IT?

BUT GIVE EVERYONE EVERY EXCUSE
FOR ALL THEIR BS.

EVEN WHEN I TOLD YOU
THAT THEIR BS IS JUST GOING TO LEAD
TO MORE BS THAT YOU COULD AVOID
BY NOT DEALING WITH IT.

BUT DOES IT MATTER TO ME IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?
THAT YOU'RE CHOOSING TO DEAL WITH THEIR BS
INSTEAD OF SOMEONE WHO ISN'T ABOUT IT?

I mean, I'd rather you didn't.
And I told you that I'd rather you didn't.

But if you'd rather do that.
AFTER TELLING ME THAT YOU DIDN'T WANT TO.
EVEN AFTER TELLING ME
WHY YOU DIDN'T WANT TO.

GO AND DO IT ANYWAY.
WHO AM I TO STOP YOU?
EVEN IF I WANTED TO?

EVEN IF I WANTED TO SAVE YOU FROM THAT BS
AND YOUR OWN BS
FOR YOUR OWN GOOD

I MEAN, IF YOU'D RATHER HAVE THAT?

The Second Corner

I had a thought about something.
A neighbor was moving out and he left a lot of things
and said to everyone to take anything they wanted.

He worked at a retail store and was giving away his old work shirts.
I took them.

But I was thinking, wondering, how long would it take
if I showed up to the retail store wearing a shirt
before they realized I don't actually work there lol.

And then people start bets on it.
Less than a day, less than a week,
less than a month, less than a year?

It'd just be funny to me pretending to be a new employee.
And seeing how long it takes for them to figure it out.

I remember a video about a Japanese show
where the guy had to spend like a month or something
in a little room and all he could eat
was whatever he could win in sweepstakes lol.

I forget why, but he resorted to being mostly naked
during his time in the little room.

It was like a "survival" type real tv type show.
I forget what it was called.

Anyway, they transported his little room
into the studio in front of an audience.
And when they took the walls away,
he was basically shocked and naked.


That would be shocking. Being completely alone
and without human contact and then all eyes on you.
All eyes were on him the whole time.
It was a TV show.

I think that moment was what made me think about it.

Well the first corner went well. I started the second.
The first row has back to back corners.

I was going to watch a movie while working the second corner.
For whatever reason, it doesn't want to load.

Sometimes I just listen to videos while knitting or crocheting.
I did a whole series like that, just listening to it
as I knit or crochet.

All people ever really needed was stuff to listen to and read.
Okay, movies and shows are nice.

But I bet people listen to music while they work.
I had a radio I used to bring to work.

When I worked with my ex, we'd listen to my cassettes at work.
Retro 90s stuff.

90s stuff is almost vintage. What's considered vintage?
40 years?

Antique after 60 years?

DANCE MIX '95.

I had a couple of other ones, 97' was okay.

Once, I found a huge box of cassettes by the side of the road.

I'm going to buy another walkman. The ones I had aren't working.

Once, I accidentally dropped it, but it felt in a weird way.
Or landed in a weird way. It landed right on the jack
and bent the jack lol.

I'd go through so many headphones, too.

When I was a kid I had headphones that had a radio in them.
I freaking loved those things. 
I was so sad when they stopped working.

When I was a kid, I wanted a tv watch lol.
This was way before texting even.

And the bus terminals used to have little TVs in the waiting areas.
They'd be personalized little units attached to the seat.

Then we got cellphones.

It used to cost per text. Wild.

A high school my school went to for their space exhibit thing.
They had a messaging system we could type to
another computer in another room.
And I remember it being one of the coolest things ever.

And then someone introduced me to mIRC.
There was another one, too, I forgot what it's called.

These were before the yahoo chats rooms.

Anyway, a female contacted me about the dude.
So I contacted him to tell him
AND HE ACCUSED ME OF TAKING HIS THINGS.
I WAS DEMANDING THAT HE COME GET
ALL OF HIS THINGS TF OUT OF HERE.

AND WHAT DID HE WANT TO DO?
BE DISMISSIVE ABOUT IT 
AND REFUSE TO COMPLY
WITH A SIMPLE REQUEST

AND YOU'D THINK I WOULDN'T HAVE
TO EVEN REQUEST THAT.

BUT IT'S LIKE ANYONE STEALS FROM HIM
THAT IT'S ME?

AND WHO WOULD BENEFIT
FROM HIM THINKING THAT ABOUT ME?

GIRLS WHO CONTACT ME ABOUT HIM?
GIRLS WHO LITERALLY THREATENED ME.

But I'm not on anyone's radar?
Had to eliminate the competition, right?
AND CALL ME CRAZY TO DO THAT LOL.

BUT TALK ABOUT MY REACTION TO THEIR ACTIONS
AND NEVER EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE ANYTHING
THEY EVER DID TO ME
AND ACCUSE ME OF THINGS I NEVER DID
OR EVEN WOULD DO.
BECAUSE THAT SEEMS TO WORK THE BEST.


It's like they'd only believe me if there was proof
and even with proof I'm still 'crazy'
SO WHY LISTEN TO ME?

HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU EVEN TELL ANYONE?
SHOULDN'T IT JUST BE ONCE?

IDEALLY.
AND IF I WAS TAKEN SERIOUSLY,
ONCE IN MY LIFE.
BUT PEOPLE WHO WANTED ME OUT
HAD TO LIE AND MANIPULATE.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE
EVERY TIME YOU FEEL A TYPE OF WAY
OVER SOMEONE DOING SOMETHING F*CKING IMMATURE.
OR ACCUSING YOU OF STOOPING LOW.
FOR AN EXCUSE TO STOOP LOW?

THEY'D RATHER TRY TO GAS LIGHT AND DENY.
TRYING TO MAKE YOU LOOK CRAZY.

NOT ACKNOWLEDGING THE FACT
THAT I WOULDN'T BE SAYING ANYTHING
IF THERE WASN'T A REASON TO BE SAYING IT.

IF ANYONE NEEDS TO WAKE TF UP,
AND REALIZE SOMETHING.

THEY NEED TO WAKE TF UP.
IT'S NOT MY FAULT IF THEY DON'T WANT TO.

BUT THEY CAN 'NOT WANT TO' TF AWAY FROM ME.

How hard was it to come get all his stuff himself?
He could have. I told him to come get it a thousand times.

IS IT MY FAULT HE REFUSED TO?
TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS THINGS?
LIKE A MATURE, RESPONSIBLE PERSON MIGHT DO?

THAT WAY HE SURE AS HELL COULDN'T DARE SAY
THAT I TOOK ANYTHING I NEVER DID.

WHY TF WOULD I?
TO BE IGNORANT?


But it's like sending me messages about him.
ME. Why did she contact me?
How did she connect him to me?

And he says: don't you think it's strange this (whoever)
just contacted you about me?
And not me directly?

WELL YEAH.
THAT'S WHY I TOLD YOU ABOUT IT.

AND SOMEONE CALLING THE COPS ON HIM
ON CHRISTMAS.
BUT THAT HAD TO BE ME,
SOMETHING I WOULD DO, RIGHT?

WHOEVER PUT IT IN HIS HEAD THAT IT WAS ME...

*CALLS THE COPS*
"IT MUST HAVE BEEN A***."

*STEALS FROM M****
"IT MUST HAVE BEEN A***."

BUT YOU GET TIRED, AFTER A WHILE
OF MAKING THE SAME POINTS OVER AND OVER.

I SHOULDN'T EVEN HAVE TO MAKE THE POINTS AT ALL.

IS IT ME THAT IS THE ISSUE OR THE GIRLS CONTACTING ME?
BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T CONTACT ME
FOR NO REASON, RIGHT?

THEY'D MOVE ON LIKE I DON'T HAVE AN ISSUE WITH.
BECAUSE WHY EXPLAIN THE SAME THINGS
TO THE SAME PEOPLE
AND EVERY TIME YOU TELL THE TRUTH
YOU GET TREATED WORSE THAN THE LIARS?

IF SOMEONE IS DOING SOMETHING F*CKING IMMATURE
THEY ARE BEING IMMATURE.

PEOPLE DON'T SEEM TO LIKE TO LOOK AT THEMSELVES
AS BEING IMMATURE. 

BECAUSE IT'S NEVER THEM, RIGHT?
IT'S ALWAYS ME BEING "OFF MY MEDS"
WHICH PISSES ME OFF!

THAT IS THE IMMATURITY THAT IS INSULTING.
COULD HAVE JUST LISTENED.

WHY LISTEN? THAT WOULD MEAN
CONFRONTING YOURSELF!

IF YOU DID CONFRONT YOURSELF
YOU WOULDN'T BE TALKING TO ME
LIKE ME UPSET WITH YOUR IMMATURITY
IS BECAUSE I'M CRAZY.

WHAT'S CRAZY IS THAT YOU'RE NOT UPSET
AT YOUR OWN IMMATURITY.
AND THAT YOU COULD HAVE SEEN
EXACTLY WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT
HAD YOU JUST LISTENED.

INSTEAD OF TREATING ME THE INSULTING WAY
THAT I WAS BEING TREATED.

AS THOUGH I'M SOMETHING I NEVER WAS.

BUT I'M CRAZY BECAUSE THAT'S BS?

BULLSH*T IS BULLSH*T!
BECAUSE HOW HARD IS IT TO TAKE SOMETHING 
I 
SAY INTO CONSIDERATION?
SO WOULDN'T THEY IF IT'S NOT HARD?
why go out of their way to further insult me?
Because it's pretty insulting
to your own intelligence to act immaturely.

If you're insulting your own intelligence,
HOW IS IT SOMETHING I'M DOING TO YOU?

BUT MAKE UP SOMETHING I SUPPSEDLY DID.
OR LISTEN TO SOMEONE ELSE ABOUT ME.

BUT WANT TO TALK ABOUT BEING TREATED FAIR?
FAIR IS BEING MATURE ENOUGH TO ADMIT
TO BEING IMMATURE.
INSTEAD OF 'PLAYING VICTIM'
OR TRYING TO TURN IT AROUND 
LIKE I SOMEHOW MADE YOU ACT IMMATURE.
BECAUSE PRETTY SURE THE WAY YOU ACT
IS A DECISION.

IF YOU'RE NOT MATURE ENOUGH TO ADMIT
TO BEING IMMATURE, YOU'RE NOT MATURE.

AND THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.
WHATSOEVER.

BUT ONLY SO MANY TIMES I'M EVEN GOING TO SAY IT.
BECAUSE I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO.

Genuine Intentions

I've got it in me to keep writing, but I know I must sleep.
Been getting back pain.

I saw a few things when I was browsing online.
One's a back cracker/stretcher thing.

I need a pop right between my shoulder blades.
Ever see chiropractor videos?
One big upper back POP and I'd be good.

When I get intense pain, it's in that spot, 
and the base of my skull.

I wish I got into massage therapy.
Instead of taking what I took.

I could maybe go back to school at some point.

That's often what I think about.
How our lives could have been different.
One left instead of a right.
One right instead of a left.

If we hadn't done or said this or that...
If we'd made different choices...

Where could we be today?

If I'd taken something else in college...
I got a diploma, but still...

Sometimes I wish I had taken time off
before going to college but I got a partial scholarship.
I had to use it.

I decided to give the mitered corners another try.
To make a 40 stitch blanket.

The mitered corners are a pain in the @ss because it's short rows.
Obviously, the shorter the row, the easier it is, 
but it's going back and forth.
Well, every row is back and forth.
Front and back.

The corner is going to be huge, though.
I already did one side, I have to go down the other side.

That's the next part. Which I don't feel like doing right away.
The first part of the corner was a pain.
PITA. Pain in the @ss.

I'm hoping to just use up what I have on hand.
Then I'll be able to move onto my other stuff.

I got some hanks. I don't like hanks.
I'd rather a roll or a ball than a hank.

Hanks are hard to work with and get tangled.

Some people have winders. I don't have one. I am one.
I just use my hands to wind.

But there are ball winders that wind hanks into balls.
They just have to turn a crank or something like that.
Hanks are just really annoying to deal with.

I got a hank of blue silk linen. It's beautiful.
But it's in a hank.

I've got blue mohair, too.

Anyway, if certain people wanted to do "the work,"
THINGS WOULD BE A LOT DIFFERENT.

BETWEEN THEM AND I.
LIKE IT COULD HAVE BEEN.

So nobody can come to me
WHEN THEY TREATED ME
LIKE THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THEY WANT.

IT'S FINE NOT KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT.
BUT DON'T GIVE ANYONE ANY FALSE HOPES.

Like people want to play games.
THEN FEEL A TYPE OF WAY WHEN I DON'T PLAY.

THEN THEY REALIZE THAT I WAS RIGHT THERE.
BUT DO I WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT?

I don't have to be treated like I'm just on hold. Waiting.
WHILE THEY F*CK AROUND.

THEN PLAY VICTIM?

WHEN THEY CAN'T PULL MY HEART STRINGS ANYMORE.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THEY EXPECTED ME
TO WAIT, ON HOLD. FOR WHAT?

I mean, you breadcrumb me, cold and ruthless to me.
THEN YOU CAN'T EXPECT ME TO WANT TO BE THERE.

You can't say I was the one who stabbed them in the back
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE A DECISION.

SO I HAD TO MAKE ONE, CORRECT?

Now after dealing with EVERYONE else,
Now I'm the one they should have been with?

It was that they had to decide about me and everyone else.

Whenever I'm doing BETTER THAN I WAS,
I'M SUDDENLY INTERESTING AND COULD 'GET AWAY'?

SO THEN THEY HAVE TO DECIDE.
BUT THEN IT IS TOO LATE.
BECAUSE THEY COULD HAVE ALREADY DECIDED.
INSTEAD OF TRYING TO KEEP ME ON HOLD.

AND I'M P*SSED AT MYSELF FOR WASTING YEARS
ON PEOPLE WHO WANTED TO PLAY GAMES.

Once I realized this sh*t, because I WASN'T EXPECTING IT.
MAYBE I EXPECTED SOME SORT OF
MATURITY...

BUT IN MY LOVE LIFE... 
THE TIMES I WANTED TO BE WITH SOMEONE...

COULD HAVE DECIDED.
A LONG TIME AGO.

DIDN'T. 

But... Some people will refuse to learn.
BECAUSE THEY COULD HAVE TREATED ME 
MUCH BETTER THAN THEY DID.
AND THEY KNOW THEY COULD HAVE.

DIDN'T.

And is it my problem when they KNOW
THEY COULD HAVE TREATED ME
EVEN FAIRLY.

But when you outgrow this sh*t.
WHEN THEY DID THIS SH*T.

PURPOSELY.

BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T DECIDE?
COULDN'T TREAT ME FAIR?

NOW IT'S NOT FAIR FOR THEM?

They can be depressed over my absence.
WERE THEY APPRECIATING HAVING ME THERE?
OR WAS I JUST THERE?

LIKE HOW I'VE BEEN IGNORED TO MY FACE...
And other very immature, ignorant things.

Look at it this way...
If you start a fight with someone
to have an excuse to go to someone else,
you're doing the wrong thing.
Not even in the wrong way, that's karma
that you created for yourself that you owe.

Then think of a person who had someone
who loved them and they treated like they hated.

If anything, there were lessons in that.
IT'S NOT HARD TO UNDERSTAND
THAT THERE ARE THINGS I DON'T WANT
OR EVEN NEED.

AND I DON'T HAVE TO SIT HERE WAITING
FOR ANYONE TO JUST DECIDE. ABOUT ME. LOL.

BECAUSE? IT'S MY LIFE TO DECIDE ABOUT ME.
AT THE SAME TIME, NOT EVERYONE CAN COME WITH US.

But imagine the person you wanted something with
AND HAD THEY BEEN HONEST AND FAIR
IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SO DAMN HARD.
HAD THEY SEEN THINGS FROM MY POV.

But some people just won't be satisfied.
They can BE WITH SOMEONE
WHILE BEING DEPRESSED ABOUT TWO OTHERS FFS.

And I want to say that THIS IS WHY.
BECAUSE I HAD TO SEE THIS SH*T FOR MYSELF.

AND REALIZE SOME THINGS.
BECAUSE ALTHOUGH THINGS COULD HAVE
JUST BEEN SIMPLE, IT WASN'T.

BUT NOBODY CAN TURN AROUND
AFTER THE FACTS
THEN DECIDE. BECAUSE THEY COULD HAVE.

YEARS AGO.

But it's like this:
Tying to argue with the facts
DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACTS
FROM BEING FACTS.

PEOPLE STILL DID WHAT THEY DID.
THEY STILL CHOSE TO DO WHAT THEY DID.

Did my ex really have to punch me in the head?
Or did he just feel like doing it TO ME at the time?
Even in the moment, it was still a moment
WHERE HE COULD HAVE TOLD HIMSELF
HE WASN'T BEING FAIR TO ME
BY NOT DOING HIS JOB
AND EXPECTING ME TO PUT UP WITH
HAVING TO DO EXTRA WORK
BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT.

SO THINGS FELL BEHIND.
AND IT BOTHERED ME AND BOTHERED ME
UNTIL I GOT UPSET ABOUT IT.

BECAUSE IT WAS NOT FAIR TO ME.

THEN GET UPSET WITH ME FOR BEING UPSET?
WHAT WAS I UPSET ABOUT, THOUGH?
UPSET FOR NO REASON?

Then to get punched in the head. On top of that.
On top of not respecting me ENOUGH
to not put extra sh*t on me.

And everything over the last 5 years or so.
DOESN'T MAKE ME WANT TO TRY.
FOR WHAT? THE ONLY THING I GOT OUT OF IT
IS GETTING MYSELF OUT OF IT.

BECAUSE OF THE BULLSH*T.
People who haven't worked on themselves
enough to be mature ENOUGH
NOT TO DO SH*T LIKE THAT.

But people can take the opportunity to just do that.
Instead of wasting time on people who want you to wait
BECAUSE TIMING'S WRONG
OR WHATEVER ELSE...

But why should I have to be the person
who has to get them to see

WTF THEY ARE DOING WHEN THEY ALREADY KNOW?

OR SHOULD KNOW.
EITHER PRETEND THEY DON'T...
OR ACT LIKE THEY DON'T...
OR BOTH. PLUS MORE.

I didn't sign up for any of that bullsh*t.
How many times does someone have to BETRAY ME?

I can disconnect, too.
If you don't choose me am I supposed to wait around until you do?
F*CK NO!!!!!!!!!! 

MISSED OPPORTUNITY.

AND ALL THEY CAN DO IS REFLECT
ON THE CHOICES THEY MADE.

BLAMING ME OR TRYING TO BLAME ME
FOR HOW THEY CHOSE TO ACT TOWARDS ME.

IT'S F*CKING EXHAUSTING.
I AM EXHAUSTED.

SO NOBODY CAN GET OR BE MAD AT ME
FOR SOMETHING THEY KNOW
I WOULDN'T DO TO THEM.

OR FOR REALIZING SOMETHING I NEEDED TO SEE.
THEY COULD HAVE REALIZED THINGS, TOO.

DIDN'T. 
BECAUSE IF THEY HAD,
THEY WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THAT WAY
TOWARDS ME.

Maybe I clung to the hope of them realizing it,
but when they already know that
and try to use it against you...

It's easier to just try to find "someone new"
THAN TO DO WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN FAIR?

WHY DID I WAIT FOR JUST "FAIR"?

I MEAN, IF YOU ARE IN IT FOR YOURSELF
YOU CAN'T EXPECT SOMEONE TO WAIT.

That would be selfish and inconsiderate. Correct?
Expect them to put themselves and their life on hold
UNTIL YOU DECIDE TO DECIDE LOL.

How long would I have waited, though?



















Okay, well, if everyone else in their life HURT THEM.
SO THEY RUN FROM IT.
EXPECTING ME TO DO THAT SH*T, TOO.

BUT DO THEY HAVE TO SH*T ON ME?
SHOULD I SH*T ON THEM?

YOU CAN'T GO FROM THAT BS
TO WANTING WHAT I WANTED IN THE BEGINNING.
WHEN THAT COULD HAVE BEEN THERE.
INSTEAD OF THE BS.

The BS they created.
By running from nothing?
By choosing what they chose?

How is anything supposed to be "the same"?
There's a such thing as WAITING TOO LONG.


YOU DON'T FIND PEOPLE WITH GENUINE INTENTIONS
EVERY DAY.

AFTER EVERYTHING THEY STILL WON'T DECIDE.

THEY DID WHAT THEY DID ON PURPOSE LOL.
THEY CAN DECIDE ON THAT, RIGHT?

THEN TRY TO HAVE THE AUDACITY 
THAT I WAS THE ISSUE.

BECAUSE WHY NOT BLAME IMMATURITY
ON SOMEONE ELSE?

AND THEY WANTED TO PLAY
SOME TYPES OF GAMES....

I mean, I had enough patience
for people to get it right. FOR ME.
BECAUSE THAT'S PRETTY MUCH
ALL I WAS ASKING FOR.

NOT GIFTS. 
JUST GETTING IT RIGHT IS THE GIFT.
THAT KEEPS GIVING.


SO DO I HAVE TO JUST BE MISERABLE
WITH ALL THE AUDACITY?

OR DEPRESSED BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T
CHOOSE ME, BUT CHOSE THE DRAMA INSTEAD.

THEY DID WHAT THEY DID TO GET A REACTION.

YOU CAN'T JUST COME BACK
LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.


I mean, keep going back to the ex who cheats on you.
Cheated on you while she was pregnant...
AND HAVE MORE CONSIDERATION FOR HER
THAN FOR ME.

WHERE WAS HER CONSIDERATION FOR HIM
WHEN SHE WAS OUT THERE DOING THAT SH*T
AND ALL KINDS OF OTHER SH*T
THAT WASN'T FAIR TO HIM ETC?

WHERE WAS MY CONSIDERATION?
If you want all that, cool. I'm not here to stop you from it.
BUT DON'T TREAT ME LIKE I'M NOT WORTH IT
WHEN YOU DON'T GET YOUR WAY.

But just take my kindness for weakness like you can just do that.
Because they were choices.

People want to "replace" me. That's fine.
But not everyone is "the same."