Arrested

Well, my neighbor went fishing without me. 
I told him that I'd go with him. 

He wants to go tomorrow, early. 

He can do his thing. 
We hung out today. 

We walked to the beer store and the pot store. 

Anyway, as he was on his way home, 
from fishing... 

He was on the bus and a guy
apparently had lifted a girl's skirt...

He got pinned to the ground, 
the bus stopped. Cops were called. 
He got arrested. 

Imagine not even getting 
TO RIDE THE BUS
WITHOUT HARRASSMENT.

IT'S DEEMED A S#XU@L @SS@ULT.

BUT IMAGINE BEING THAT GIRL, 
JUST RIDING THE BUS, 
WEARING A SKIRT...

STUFF LIKE THAT IS WHY
I DON'T WEAR SKIRTS VERY OFTEN. 

But would be nice
NOT TO HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THAT.
OR "DEAL WITH" THAT.

PRETTY TRAUMATIC, ACTUALLY. 

BUT HE GOT ARRESTED.
SO HE CAN'T DO THAT, NOW.

JUST FREAKING WILD! 
DA FUQ?

I caved and bought a leather jacket
at a grarage sale, today. 

I've always wanted one, now I have one. 

And I have an AC, too. 

Today was kinda weird.

There's a guy that hangs out
in the front, with us, 

a guy who has a dog... 

The dog is a big "suck" 
and loves everyone, pretty much. 

Anyway, I have a container, 
I brought it outside
and forgot it outside, 

and C**** told me that they use it
for the dogs, to drink out of, 
so I left it out there
for them to use... 

But the other night, 
someone was throwing butts in the
container, because it had water left in it... 

And that water, with the butts in it
was obviously contaminated
with nicotine... 

And that water "leached" into the plastic... 

So I didn't want to take a chance with it...

But the guy who was using it for his dog
GOT MAD THAT I TOOK IT AWAY...

BUT I HAD TO EXPLAIN TO HIM
WHY I TOOK IT.

BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT HIS DOG
DRINKING OUT OF SOMETHING
THAT GOT CONTAMINATED
WITH CIGARETTE BUTTS.

THEN HE STOPPED BEING MAD
AND SHOOK MY HAND

BECAUSE I HAD HIS DOG IN MIND.

But had he not listened and refused to listen
it wouldn't have "mattered"
that I had his dog in mind... 

People who don't listen
AND ACT LIKE A SH*T
JUST ABOUT LISTENING... 

I DON'T HAVE THE TIME FOR THAT.

HE HAD BEEN GETTING CONFRONTATIONAL
ABOUT A CONTAINER
PEOPLE HAVE BEEN USING FOR BUTTS...

AND HAD I NOT GIVEN A SH*T
I WOULD HAVE JUST LEFT IT THERE
AND IF HIS DOG GOT SICK, 
HE GOT SICK. 

IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN MY FAULT, 
BECAUSE I WASN'T THE ONE PUTTING
BUTTS IN THE WATER
THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE
FOR THE DOGS TO DRINK...

BUT, NO.
NOT GOING TO TAKE A CHANCE
OF A DOG GETTING SICK
FROM DRINKING OUT OF 
A CONTAINER
PEOPLE'D BEEN THROWING BUTTS INTO.

And if it was my dog, 
I'd appreciate someone
not wanting my dog to get sick.

Which is why he shook my hand. 

After the confrontation. 

He was acting like he wanted to get
v10l#nt over a freaking container.

Was wild the guy on the bus did that.

Thing is, they'll likely say the guy has
"mental problems"
take him to a hospital for 72 hours...

But, if they don't, and actually charge the guy...
He'll go to jail. 

Did he think he could just do that
and nobody would "notice"
or do or say anything about it?

Crazy. 

My neighbor's been hanging around, a lot. 

I don't mind hanging out sometimes, 
but every day is... A lot. 

People are TALKING. 

AND IF THEY HAD ANYTHING BETTER TO DO
THEY'D BE DOING IT.

JUST TRYING TO GET THE GUY
TO PUT HIS KNOWLEDGE
ABOUT FISHING INTO DATA
SO HE CAN START MAKING SOME MONEY
WITH A SMALL SITE.

Fishing's a huge industry. He has the experience. 
All he has to do is get the stuff he knows
onto paper. 

Which I've been trying to get him to do. 

But he just wants to hang out all the time. 
And smoke all the time. 

And when he drinks, he seems to get more clingly. 
And more flirty and I'm not interested. 

Like today, I went home, to eat. 
And he made burgers and wrapped me up one
which was nice of him, 

but it was a reason to come up, to see me
after I'd just spent hours with him. 

And it's like he wants to be here
all the time, every night. 

Until it gets late. 

So I "can't" do anything else
but hang out. 

And he wants to hang out Canada Day. 

And I don't really want to. 
He'll be disappointed, but damn. 

Like the whole month, pretty much every day. 

Before, I could disappear for a few days, 
but he's giving himself excuses to come up here. 
After I already spent time with him. 

And the comments he makes. 
"I'm just trying to make you laugh."

Like his advances are supposed to be funny. 

It's just that I need space for myself. 
And I don't need to be around/with someone
every moment of the day. 

EVERY DAY.

I JUST DON'T. 

HAVING A CLINGY PARTNER
WOULDN'T WORK FOR ME.
AT ALL.

I WOULD FEEL SUFFOCATED. 
AND STIFFLED. 

AND UNHAPPY ABOUT IT.

But I need to have some sort of talk
like: I don't mind hanging out, 
but I want to do my own stuff, too. 

And then he'll say:
"I'm not stopping you from xyz..."

Well, wanting to hang out all the time....
And wanting me to hang out all the time...

IS BEING GREEDY WITH MY TIME. 

TIME I DON'T HAVE TO MAKE FOR ANYONE.
OTHER THAN PEOPLE
WHO ARE REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME, 
FAMILY. 

BUT THE MORE I HANG OUT, 
THE LESS TIME I'M WORKING ON MY STUFF...

AND I'VE BEEN TRYING TO EXPLAIN
HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO ME
BECAUSE IF I WANT IT DONE, 
I HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO DO IT, 
OR IT WON'T. 

Nobody's going to do it for me, are they?
No! They aren't. 

When I have stuff done, 
then I can hang out, 
but while stuff needs getting done, 
IT WON'T GET DONE 
UNTIL I DO IT.

AND THAT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN
WHEN IT SHOULD BE
STRAIGHT FORWARD. 

AND ANYONE 
SHOULD UNDERSTAND THAT.

hanging out, is sacrificing my time
to do xyz.

My goals for this summer, 
I'm not going to hit them
because I'm expected to want to hang out
just because they like to. 

Because he has my full attention
which he seems to like too much. 

He likes me too much. 

And he pretty much said
that if I had a boyfriend
he wouldn't be hanging around with me. 

"I don't do that because I wouldn't like it."

Pretty much saying that if I was with him
he wouldn't like me hanging out with anyone
other than him. 

And when I had a friend over for the weekend, 
he seemed a bit jealous. 

AND THE COMMENTS STARTED. 
WHICH BUGGED HIM EVEN MORE.

HE STILL HASN'T TOLD ME
WHAT ALL ELSE WAS SAID...

I KNOW THEY ALL TALK ABOUT EACH OTHER.
I'VE BEEN THERE WHILE THEY DID IT.

SO I KNOW THEY HAVE THEIR THINGS
TO SAY ABOUT ME
BEHIND MY BACK.

AND I TRY NOT TO GIVE ANYONE
STUFF TO TALK ABOUT.

BUT THEY DO, ANYWAY. 

It used to bug me about my grandmother...
Anyone who wanted to know anything about me, 
all they had to do was ask her. 

She was the closest one to me, 
she knew most about me... 

And I wish she'd just kept it to herself
because it was nobody's business 
about me. 

I mean, personal family stuff. 

But deeply personal stuff. 

She'd tell anyone who asked. 

It bugged tf out of me. 

One thing about her, she was honest. 
Probably too honest. 

So honest she wouldn't just
tell people to mind their business

or ask me if they wanted to know.

AND IT WOULD HAVE BEEN UP TO ME
TO TELL THEM
IF I WANTED THEM TO KNOW
OR NOT....

But it bugged me. 
Pretty much her only fault, though. 

Other than that, she was great. 
I miss her so much. 

I wish I had forever, with her. 

We had each other. 

Anyway, it's nice to think about
the nice memories we made, together, 
the time spent. 

About everything that was beautiful about her...

A good soul who deserved so much better.
FROM EVERYONE. 

EVERYONE TOOK HER FOR GRANTED. 
AND I KNOW HOW IT FEELS. 
I KNEW HOW SHE FELT. 
AND SHE KNEW THAT I KNEW.

PART OF WHY WE WERE CLOSER
THAN OTHERS.

AND SPURRED A BIT OF JEALOUSY. 
FROM SOME FAMILY MEMBERS.

Like when I was going to Niagara Falls
to visit my grandmother's sister, 

my cousin found out I was going
and decided to go 
because I was going. 

OR SHE WOULDN'T HAVE GONE.

AND MY GRANDMOTHER'S SISTER
HAD NO IDEA WHO SHE WAS...

BECAUSE THEY HADN'T KEPT IN TOUCH. 

She knew who I was because I'd write her letters.
And I'd visited before. 

She used to send Christmas presents to me
when I was a kid. 

I have a picture of me sitting on her lap
when I was a baby....

She remembered me. 

Anyway, I went to see her for her 103rd birthday.
I brought my son with me, that time, to meet her. 

I brought her a framed picture of my grandmother, 
her sister, 
and of course she recognized the picture. 

Of my Grandmother when she was 16...

She lived to be 105 years old. 

Wish I got to talk to her, more. 
She read my letters and remembered things
I'd written to her about... 

Trying to keep her updated, and should have
written more. 

But, yeah, she remembered me
because I made the effort. 

I wasn't just showing up, 
out of the blue, like my cousin did. 

I wrote to tell her or tried to call. 
To let them know when I'd be in town
and that I'd like to see them while I was there... 

I think that, if I can swing a little trip...
Depending on how much it is...

Now greyhound here, now. 
It'd have to be the train...

The train's getting expensive... 

Anyway... 

It'd be nice to go, this summer, just to go. 
It's cheap to stay at the hostel, too. 

I've stayed there a couple of times, already. 

Last time, it was my birthday
and I played pool in the basement
with a guy from France. 

You can meet people from all over the world. 
Niagara Falls is a tourist destination. 

The thing about Niagara Falls
is that it's beautifully maintained
in the tourist areas, 

but the rest of the city... 

LOOKS LIKE A GHOST TOWN. 

AND IF IT WASN'T A TOURIST SPOT...
IT'D BE A POOR CITY.

It used to be called Cliffton. 
And there used to be a coffin factory, there. 

Lots of history, there. 

That's part of what I like about it. 

Other than that, there's a "vibe" there
that has to do with the water. 

I know that it does. 

It's not to do with the hydroelectric part...
It's the water, itself. 

The Niagara river is the border....
Between Canada and the U.S.

The border... Is the middle of the bridge. 

Before I'd gone there, I didn't know
that there are 2 sets of waterfalls. 

The big famous horseshoe falls, 
that's on the Canadian side, 
but the U.S has a set of waterfalls, too. 

The first thing I noticed when I got there
was how "blue" the water looks. 

Something crazy is that the waterfalls eats away
at the "cliff" behind it and it receeds a certain amount, 
each year. 

I saw a video, it's hard to get out of my head...
A woman, naked, jumped in, 
it was a s**c*d*.

Lots of s**c*d*s, there.

It made me wonder if there was a s**c*de*
in the room that I had been in, with my son, 
because it had a chem smell to it, 
like it had to be cleaned with chems
that I hadn't smelt before. 

I've smelled the regular industrial chems
for cleaning. 

Being a janitor. 

It smelled like it had an odor removal
type of "agent" in it. 

Not typical of anywhere I've stayed, before. 

It had the "we can rent the room
now we got the smell of death out" vibe. 

Felt a bit eerie in there, too, 
but it was okay for the cost, at the time. 

And my son said he'd stay there, again. 

It was conveniently located. 

And across from a kick @ss sushi spot. 
He and I had to go check it out, 
because we both enjoy sushi. 

Unfortunately the last trip we tried to take
didn't work out. 

Would have been alright had the bus not crashed. 

But I think that happened for a reason. 

To prevent something that could have been worse.


Although, it would have been nice, just to go. 

The best time of year to go, 
is the fall. 

THE SCORCHING SUMMER HEAT WAVES OVER...

NOT AS MANY TOURISTS...

PRICES DROP...

WEATHER'S BETTER. 

Along River Road's where a lot of B&Bs are.

I knew someone who's parents owned a B&B.
It was a huge house with lots of rooms. 
I don't remember how many rooms, 
but she and I had the basement to play in. 

I stayed over at her place at least once. 

We were looking through yearbooks. 

I saw one of my friend's pictures in there, 
before I'd met the guy...

When I was a security guard, 
I had to give temporary passes to people, 
and sign them out... 

I swear I "met" my friend when he worked there, 
because we worked there at the same time... 

And I remember seeing his employee pic
with his name, in the database. 

Before I actually met the guy. 

I ended up meeting him from a dating site. 
We never dated. 

He thinks I'm beneath him. 
Whatever. 

I'd rather not have a friend
if I have a friend who "feels bad for me."

I f*cking hate that sh*t.

Be someone's friend
TO BE THEIR FRIEND. 

NOT BECAUSE YOU FEEL BAD FOR THEM. 

One "friend" said:
"I only hang out with you because I feel bad for you."

IMAGINE HEARING THAT FROM SOMEONE?
WHO YOU THOUGHT
LIKED YOU
AT LEAST AS A FRIEND, 
AS A PERSON?

PEOPLE LIKE THAT CAN FIND ANOTHER FRIEND. 

AND THE DUDE KEPT WANTING ME TO BUY HIM STUFF
AND WHEN I WAS BROKE
HE DIDN'T WANT TO HANG OUT.

REAL NICE FRIEND, EH?

But I chose to hang out with the guy, 
never had to, 
but I don't anymore.

BECAUSE FUQ DAT.

Y'KNOW?

WHY HANG OUT WITH SOMEONE LIKE THAT?

FOR "VALIDATION"? LOL

THAT'S WHAT THEY SEEM TO THINK
I SHOULD WANT. 

PEOPLE WHO WANT YOU TO WANT IT
PLAY F*CKING GAMES.

FUQ DAT, TOO. 

THEY CAN GO CHASE "VALIDATION"
IF THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT TO DO. 

I HAVE OTHER THINGS TO DO.

IF OTHERS HAD GOALS, THEY'D BE
TOO BUSY TO TALK ABOUT
WHO'S HANGING OUT WITH WHO
AND WHY...

TOO BUSY TO MAKE ASSUMPTIONS, 
THEY'D JUST BE ABOUT GETTING SH*T DONE.

That's the way I wish it was.
Everyone preoccupied with their goals, 
like productive, healthy goals

to the point that's all they want to do...

Well, tonight, I heard about a "dangerous species"
of insect is heading North. 

It's attracted to body cavities (like nostrils)
and open wounds
and can lay 300 eggs...

Heading North from Mexico
and Panama...

Into the USA.

Weird and wild, eh?

Imagine if the next pandemic
was something to do with this fly?

It's called the something worm fly. 
It's escaping my mind, at the moment, 
but the word worm is in there...
And it's a type of fly. 

The pigeons are starting to come closer to us, 
and the rabbit, comes, too. 

They came by around dinner time, 
they eat and fly off somewhere. 

I'm not the only one feeding them.
C**** feeds them, too. 

Some people don't like that I feed them, 
but I feed them by the trees
so that they are out of "the way."

Joking that they'd get a slingshot
and ping them with marbles. 

Some people scare them away. 

They watch us just as much as we watch them.

And pretty sure they understand us. 

A pigeon came, after I left to go for a walk, 
and landed on the back of the chair
I'd been sitting in, 

and J** told the pigeon to fk off, 
and the pigeon left. 

There's a clip of a crow saying fk you to a guy...

In the clip his girlfriend or some girl
was trying to get him to "pet" it
because it was so close to them... 

And he was like "hell naw, big beak... "

The crow seemed to be insulted
about the big beak comment
and said "fk you" to the guy. 

Birds are pretty intelligent. 

Some can mimic sounds. 

There was another clip I saw...
It was a magpie...
Mimicing the laugh of a kid. 

Kinda neat and creepy. 

How realistic it sounded. 

But the bird's just copying the sound. 
Probably doesn't know it's a laugh, 
but it was so realistic. 

Coming from a bird!

It's nice watching the birds... 
Until they go to bed. 

Pretty sure they live behind the signs
of the restaurants.

Between the sign and the building, 
just enough space for pigeons. 

And nests... 

And maybe live on roofs. 

Can't say I've seen pigeons in trees. 
They seem to like making their nests elsewhere. 

My folks have a robin's nest in their back yard, 
and a camera on it, so they can watch
and take pictures and video. 

Anyways, I think tomorrow's going to be a long day. 

And Canada Day, I kinda want to "sneak away" from here. 

I'm going to call it a night.
Good night.

Always Aloe

It was hard to sleep last night...

I got a sunburn on my chest and it itches.
Itching means it's healing, but it's driving me nuts.

I can't scratch it...
Because the skin is... Trying to heal...

When the dollar store opens, I can get some aloe.

Aloe does a good job with burns of all kinds. 

It's good to have one as a "plant pet."

Anyway, already looking forward to the "relief."

It's still really early. Not much open at this time...

I could try to go back to sleep, 
but I'd probably toss and turn
like I was doing
before I just ended up getting up.

I might try, again, soon. 

I enjoy the sun, but shouldn't be
directly in it, 
for long enough to burn...

On top of that, I got burned
on my perma burn...

I already got burned so bad
on that spot...

Getting burned again, there, 
not great.

I keep thinking that I could have
and probably should have
walked away from mirror smasher earlier.

HE WASN'T GOING TO LEARN ANYTHING
HAD I KEPT PUTTING UP WITH
HIM TAKING ME FOR GRANTED...

BUT HE NEVER HAD TO LIE TO ME.
HE DID.
MANY TIMES.

AND I PUSHED ALL KINDS OF BS ASIDE
TO KEEP GIVING HIM CHANCES...

AND WHY SHOULD I?
HE WOULDN'T LEARN ANYTHING 
IF I KEPT GIVING CHANCES.

CHANCES FOR HIM TO CHANGE.

CHANGE HOW HE TREATED ME.
AS A PERSON.

I TRUSTED HIM NOT TO.
NOT TO TREAT ME LIKE SH*T.

BUT, KINDNESS IS OFTEN SEEN AS 
"WEAKNESS"

AND SEEMS HE ONLY UNDERSTANDS
"BRUTALITY."

OR HE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN "BRUTAL" 
TO ME.

And for all the things I do know, 
I know there's stuff I don't. 

YOU THINK I WAS GOING TO
STICK AROUND "FOREVER"
FOR MORE OF THAT?

BECAUSE THAT'S ALL I'D GET.
BECAUSE THAT'S ALL I DID GET.

THE HOT AND COLD BS.

THOUGHT HE WASN'T GOING TO LOSE ME?
WHY SHOULD I HAVE STAYED FOR THAT SH*T?

SURPRISE!
I DON'T NEED THAT SH*T.

I don't even know why I even still think about this sh*t.
Not worth my time to think about it, anymore.

He wanted to play his stupid little games.
Games I'm not playing. 

THINKING I WAS THE ONE DOING THE SH*T
THAT HE WAS CLEARLY DOING.

I'M NOT TOLERATING ANYMORE BS
THAT I NEVER SHOULD HAVE TOLERATED
IN THE FIRST PLACE.

AT ALL, LET ALONE FOR YEARS.

And he wanted to just "not change"
or "grow up."

DIDN'T WANT TO BE LOYAL
OR CONSIDER ANYTHING
I WAS SAYING
OR CONSIDER ME.

WHY WOULD I WANT TO
LIVE LIKE THAT?

Yet wants to be "accepted"?
BY EVERYONE WHO DIDN'T WANT
HIM TO "ACCEPT" ME.

WHY SHOULD I ACCEPT
BEING TREATED LIKE THAT
JUST FOR SOMEONE ELSE?

LIKE WENT OUT OF HIS WAY
TO TREAT ME LIKE THAT.

BECAUSE HE NEVER HAD TO.

SO I NEVER HAD TO "STICK AROUND"
FOR ANY OF THIS SH*T.

I NEVER HAD TO.

WHY DID I?

IN HOPES THINGS'D CHANGE?
FINALLY?

BUT WHY WOULD THEY HAVE?
HE WAS LISTENING TO EVERYONE ELSE.

I WAS WASTING MY TIME.
HOPING.

There's so much more, for me, 
IN LETTING HIM HAVE
EVERYTHING HE CHOSE.

BECAUSE I HAVE CHOICES, TOO.

I PUT AN END TO IT.
NOTHING WAS CHANGING.
WASN'T GOING ANYWHERE,
NO MATTER HOW I DID TRY...

And that's okay.

But his CHANCE TO "TALK" IS GONE.

WHY SHOULD I LISTEN?
WHY SHOULD I CARE?

HE DIDN'T!
HE REFUSED TO!
SO WHY SHOULD I?

JUST FOR HIM TO SLAM THE DOOR
IN HIS OWN FACE, SOME MORE?

NO THANKS.

I'm not hurt. Insulted, yeah.
Extremely insulted.

To the point I could care less.

Then why are you writing about it, still, A***?
I don't fkn know why.

If walking away is the only way
he'll learn that I'm serious about him
f*cking off with his BS...

He can have all his BS
and he can take it elsewhere.

As a person, I don't wish him harm, 
but I just gave up
ON HIM F*CKING WAKING UP.

YOU THINK I WANT TO GO 100%
FOR SOMEONE WHO'D DO THAT SH*T?

WHY WOULD I?

But when someone MISSES the fact
THAT I WAS THERE
WHEN, MAYBE, THEY REALIZE WHY...

When nobody else is in their corner...
I was, but...
WHAT DID HE CHOOSE TO DO?

CHOSE TO ALLOW OTHERS
TO "CONDITION" HIM
INTO DISRESPECTING ME.

CHOSE TO BE ABOUT ALL KINDS
OF BS.

LET EVERYONE RUIN IT,
RUINED IT, HIMSELF. 

Obviously, I'm not "happy about it."

Why would I be? I was there, for him, 
AND WHAT DID HE DO WITH THAT?

WHAT DID HE DO WITH HIS CHANCES?
ANYTHING?

Anyway, it's way past time that I live MY LIFE.
Without anyone's excuses, or drama, or BS.

I can rest knowing I gave him REAL chances.
Knowing I was actually there, for him.
Knowing I actually cared.

Knowing how I felt, at one time.

BUT I DIDN'T DESERVE
TO BE MISLEAD...

OR ABUSED IN ANY WAY.

THEN THEY WANT TO BLAME ME
FOR WALKING AWAY?

WHY DID I, THOUGH?
WHY DID I, FINALLY?

IT EVEN TOOK ME A LOT
TO WALK AWAY. A LOT.

TOO MUCH, ACTUALLY.

TOO MUCH THAT I SHOULDN'T
HAVE HAD TO, PERIOD.

THEN TRY TO ACT LIKE
NOTHING HAPPENED?

SO THAT I'D GIVE ANOTHER CHANCE
JUST TO ACT LIKE THAT SOME MORE?

DISMISS AND DEFLECT, ARROGANT...
WHEN I WOULDN'T "JUST LET IT GO"
THAT I POINTED OUT
WHAT HAD TO BE POINTED OUT
OR THERE'D BE NOTHING
TO POINT OUT.

The problem isn't my reaction. 
It's what I am reacting TO.

AND THEM DOING THINGS
TO "GET A REACTION" FROM ME.

Even when my neighbor said:
"I won't bug you, then."

When I never said he was bugging me.
I should be allowed to be tired.

But he said that for a reaction. 
Or why say it?

The BS things people did
WAS TO GET A REACTION FROM ME.

SO MY REACTION IS TO DETACH, 
LOSE INTEREST, STOP CARING...
BECAUSE I DID CARE.

BUT WHY "PROVE MY WORTH"
TO ANYONE WHO'D GO
OUT OF THEIR WAY TO FK IT ALL UP?

AND YOU CAN'T GO DEEP WITH ANYONE
WHO JUST WANTS TO BE
SURFACE LEVEL.

-----------

Anyway, just got back in...
I started out just going to get some pot...

A couple of pot stores close by. 
One's open 24/7, but they only take cash...

So I'm waiting to use the ATM...
And the chick in front of me, using the ATM...

She couldn't take any money out, declined...
So she got mad and kicked the ATM.

I could feel her energy after she'd left...

Got my stuff, and left.

I saw C**** outside so I gave her the apples...

We went to the shack at the same time, 
and I had a bag and she didn't, 

so she asked if she could put her apples
and onions in my bag, 

but she had left, and I did, too. 
I didn't steal her apples, and onions, 
I left with them. 

So I gave her back her apples and onions
and she gave me a few oranges. 

G***** came out and we all sat and talked.

It was K**, L****, G*****, C****, and I.
I was the 5th female lol...

S** came by with his dog. 
His dog didn't want to go back in, 
he wanted to stay with me lol. 

They sat around drinking and smoking. 
I puffed my pipe a bit. 

His dog loves me. 

The very first time I saw his dog, 
his dog came straight to me, 
of all the people, there, 
he came straight to me.

I didn't get any aloe...

I ended up reading and crocheting
and cooked up some donairs
that I lost track of time... 

I've finished a row of squares on a blanket I'm making... 

It's the blanket I want to raffle off. 

Hoping to get more of it done, and have more done
of it, by the fall. 

Then, maybe this winter, it'll be done. 

I'm thinking of adding some more black and white...

I started it with black and white in the center... 

I'm thinking of breaking up the black and white parts
with other colors...

So far, it's mostly been blues and browns, and greens... 

So I think I might stick with variations of those colors...

Between black and white parts... 

K** was saying her knees are giving her issues.
Knee pain's no joke. 

When I dislocated my kneecap.... Ouch.
It was some of the worst pain I can recall. 

I know how agonizing it is. 

I might go fishing with my neighbor tomorrow.
I didn't see him or hear from him all day.

After that "I won't bug you, then." 

I didn't say he was bugging me. 
Comments like that, bug me, yes. 

Just needed a day to myself. 
Starting to feel a lot better, now, 
actually...

I think part of it was that I had missed
taking my medication a couple of times
and felt kind of "off."

That, and I don't smoke tobacco anymore...
And sometimes, my friends, 
who know I don't smoke it anymore, 
will roll it in a joint, 

and I felt sick after smoking tobacco in a joint. 

It's meant for cigarettes, not joints.

It bugged me so much when they pass it to me
without saying there's tobacco in it, 

because I'd take a haul off it....
And taste it right away, 

but I'd also get a "head rush"
from the tobacco that ruins the buzz.

Anyways, I wasn't feeling the greatest the other day.

And I should just be allowed to feel how I feel. 
Whether I feel sick, or tired, or whatever...

I can't be "happy" all the time.

Apart from some things that have p*ssed me off
since I've been here, 

I've been doing, okay.

Lots of people live in this building
who have been facing similar challenges...

It was weird buying beer, tonight.
Wasn't for me, but it was still weird...

And weirder that they sell beer at the Quickie... 

They sell alcohol at gas stations now!
Who's "bright idea" was THAT?!

Did you notice that one of the only places
that were open during covid
was the liquor stores?

Some people actually get sick
from not drinking... 

Like hardcore alcoholics... 

It's said that it's dangerous 
for them to quit cold turkey...

Tremors and all of that... 

Kind of how @dd1cts get dope-sick...

So they kept the liquor stores open.

At least they did in Ontario, 
I don't know if other places were doing it, too.

K** was saying that she drinks
because she can't get pain meds... 

She's sure her doctor doesn't believe her
about the pain she's in... 

She's drinking because she likes it.

It's not so much for the pain. 
It might "help" with the pain, 

but if she didn't like drinking, 
or getting drunk... 

Why drink?

So she likes it.

I used to like it.
I liked it too much, honestly.

All I can say is I haven't had a hangover in years...
And I saved a lot of money staying sober.

Money I wish I had kept saved... 

But I'm being better about some other stuff... 

I don't have to buy a bunch of stuff...

For my apartment, I mostly have what I wanted to get...

I got lights for my bathroom...
A motion detector one...

So that I don't have to turn my light on,
in the middle of the night.

Just enough light in there...

I got lights for my balcony....
I picked up a couple of chairs for my balcony...

I've got shelves for when I start planting...

Should have started planting already, but... 
I had to catch up on some stuff...

So I couldn't get anything for a while.

I still want to make a greenhouse, though...

My neighbor found his stash of pot plants,
and said he'd give me some seeds... 

I found a seed in my pack of pot lol...

Shouldn't be any seeds in those packages lol.

Anyway, I know what strain it is...

Some people growing it in the building...

Legally, we're allowed 4 plants.
Because 4 is enough for "personal use."

Anyway, I've had "bad luck" growing pot. 

I've always gotten spider mites and they are a b*tch.
They eat the plant.

The only time I had decent plants
was when I grew some at my grandmother's house. 

Of course I couldn't tell her they were pot plants
because pot was still illegal.

I told her they were Holly Hocks...
Because those plants can actually grow pretty tall...

When I went away to volunteer on the farm, 
the horse riding farm a lady from our church had, 
for a couple of weeks, 
she watered them for me.

When I got back, those plants were doing great.

Until I told the wrong person about them, 
they told my "foster mother"
and she called my Grandmother, told her.
She was mad.

To say the least.
She threw out the plants.

I only tried growing some once after that.
I couldn't keep them alive
and the spider mites got at them.

Haven't really had any urges to grow pot. 

What I've been collecting are pepper seeds.
Red peppers, specifically...

Not sure why... But I have them. For some reason. 

My neighbor gave me a handful of small radishes
supposedly from our garden...

I haven't tried one, yet.

Anyway, I should probably get ready
to go to bed, soon. 

I took my medication and it's starting to hit.
Good night.

Rained Out

My building was supposed to have a BBQ today, 
but it was raining. 

And our "rain date" might be rainy, too. 

So we might not get the BBQ this year.

One guy... He openly admitted
that he puts peanut butter on his hot dogs...

He says it's because he can't stand the taste
of the hot dog...

THEN WHY EAT THEM AT ALL?

LOL! If it tastes so bad
that you "have to" put peanut butter on it...

Why eat it?

I haven't been eating hot dogs, 
probably because I've eaten so many, in my life, 
that I can't even force myself
to make them seem "appealing", to me...

So I just don't eat them.

If I was so broke and that's all I could afford, 
I'd probably "have to" eat them, 

but mustard, mayo, onions, whatever...

Should be enough to "mask" any "taste"
of the hot dog itself... 

Not a fan of hot dog buns, to be honest.

First, white bread kinda
tastes like "air," to me.

I used to dislike "brown bread."

I dated someone who dislikes "white bread."
While we lived together, I slowly started
"developing a taste" for "brown bread."

To me, it actually has a "taste."
And it's more "filling."

Anyway, my family's been
into eating "white bread"
so that's probably why I was...

But, I didn't have to because they do.

-------------

When I was writing, my neighbor called 
and came up to smoke a joint with me.

He put me on the spot:
"Do you want me to leave?"
"You could have said no and I'd have stayed at home..."

IT BUGS ME WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT SH*T.

I'm aware I could have told him not to come up.

This kind of weather bugs me and I get tired
giving my energy away all the time.

It takes energy listening to people, too.

And when you don't have much to say
about what they are talking about.... 

They want to make it about you not caring...

Sure, I'll listen to you talking about
what you want to talk about, 

but not saying anything about that stuff...
I just don't have anything to say about it.

He was talking about how he was a painter
and why he got out of it...

About how he feels that there isn't any pride
in the trades anymore

and how different trades were causing issues
for other trades etc.

How, if they had the pride they should have,
and didn't cause issues for each other, 
it'd be great.

How he wishes he was 20 years younger...

When he was leaving, though, 
he was kind of low key doing a guilt thing, to me.

"Well... I'll leave because I feel like I'm being a thorn in your side.
I don't want to be a nuisance..."

It's that I don't want anyone up my @ss.

Sure, it's cool to hang out, 
but some days, and some nights, 
I just want to be alone.

I shouldn't feel guilty for that.

I should just get to have a "healthy balance"
without anyone making those kinds of remarks.

Because they're to make me feel bad
ABOUT WANTING TIME ALONE.

THAT KIND OF SH*T...
 "MAKES" ME NOT WANT TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE
WHO DO THAT SH*T.

IS DOING THAT SH*T SUPPOSED TO
"MAKE ME FEEL SO BAD 
ABOUT WANTING ALONE TIME
THAT I DON'T WANT IT?"

BECAUSE IF IT IS, 
IT'S NOT WORKING.

IT'S JUST "MAKING" ME
WANT IT EVEN MORE.

Like I said, I should be allowed to want
and to have
A HEALTHY BALANCE, 
FOR MYSELF.

OF HANGING OUT, 
AND ALONE TIME
THAT I NEED AFTER HANGING OUT.

WHERE I DON'T HAVE TO PROCESS 
EVERYTHING EVERYONE SAYS TO ME...

LIKE IT GETS TO BE AN OVERLOAD...
AND IT GETS KINDA OVERWHELMING...

AND I DON'T WANT TO BE "RUDE."
SO I LET HIM COME UP, TO SMOKE ONE.

AND TALK MY EARS OFF...

AND PUT MY STUFF ASIDE, AGAIN...

AND WHEN I WAS TELLING HIM
THAT I ACTUALLY HAVE TO DO THE WORK...

HE CUT ME OFF... SAYING THERE'LL BE TOMORROW...

WHEN I WAS GOING TO SAY THAT
NOBODY'S GOING TO DO THE WORK FOR ME...

SURE, THERE'LL BE TOMORROW...
BUT WHAT I COULD STILL BE DOING TODAY, 
I COULD STILL BE DOING TODAY.

THAT'S WHAT A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T SEEM TO
"UNDERSTAND."

Things don't come "easy."

BUT WHEN I WAS TELLING HIM THAT I'M TIRED
HE WAS TRYING TO LIKE GUILT ME:

"YOU COULD HAVE SAID NO, NOT TO COME UP..."
"DO YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE?"

DID I SAY I WANTED YOU TO LEAVE? NO?
THEN WHY ASK ME THAT? LIKE THAT?

TO PUT ME ON THE SPOT ABOUT BEING TIRED?
LIKE I'M NOT JUST ALLOWED TO BE?

WITHOUT THAT SH*T?

THAT SH*T BUGS ME.

IF I'M LETTING YOU COME UP, 
JUST COME UP.

WITHOUT "MAKING" IT ABOUT
ME JUST BEING FKN TIRED.

AS THOUGH I SHOULDN'T JUST
BE ALLOWED TO BE
JUST TIRED!

I've been socializing for a while... 

And I can't just go go go go go go go....
Socially, constantly... 

He and I hung out plenty after my friend's been over...

But sometimes I want a day or two to myself... 
After hanging out, every day... 

Because hanging out
with someone who constantly wants
YOUR FULL ATTENTION
TO THE POINT
YOU'RE NOT JUST ALLOWED
TO JUST BE TIRED?

IS KINDA DRAINING....
ESPECIALLY, DAYS ON END...

I NEED THEM TO BE OKAY
WITH DOING THEIR OWN THING.
WHILE I DO MINE.

THEN, WHEN WE DO HAVE THE ENERGY, BACK...
HANG OUT, AGAIN. 

IT'S JUST WHEN IT GETS EXHAUSTING, 
IT'S JUST EXHAUSTING.

AND I CAN'T HELP THAT.

Because I haven't figured out how to...

Balance it out.
To where I give them enough energy
and them knowing that they can't just
take ALL of my time ALL the time...

BECAUSE I NEED SOME FOR MYSELF, TOO.

We have plans for Sunday, if it's not raining.

He wants to hang out on Canada Day.
We spend pretty much every day together, lately.

It's sometimes feeling like the more he and I hang out
the more I'm closing myself off
of doing other stuff

and getting the feeling like he knows that.
And that's why he's been wanting to be around
so that the time I'm spending with him, 
I'm not spending with someone else. 

And I don't like how that feels.

Even though we kind of talked about it
after I had my friend over... 

"You're free to see who you want to."
Well, yeah, because I should be.

It's MY life.

He made a comment about my friend, though.

Because I told him about the rumors my friend has
about wearing the jock strap...

"So that means he's a good lay?"

Like fishing to see if I slept with him ffs.
Da fuq?

As though that's why he and I were hanging out?

AND IF I STARTED DATING
AND SPENDING TIME WITH MY NEW BF...

WHAT LITTLE REMARKS WOULD I BE GETTING?

WHAT LITTLE GUILT TRIPS?

I MEAN, IF I JUST WANT TIME
TO MYSELF AND I GET THIS?

THEN, WHAT?

WHAT WOULD I HAVE TO "LOOK FORWARD TO"
HEARING?

LITTLE HIDDEN JEALOUSY REMARKS?
LITTLE GUILT TRIPS?

Look what I get for just wanting time
TO RECHARGE
AFTER SPENDING DAYS...
GIVING ALL MY ENERGY TO PEOPLE
WHO ARE SO SELFISH AND GREEDY
THEY'D RATHER TRY TO
MAKE ME FEEL BAD
FOR WANTING TO HAVE TIME TO MYSELF...

TO JUST RECHARGE?!

THAT STUFF BUGS ME.
IT REALLY DOES.

IF THEY NEEDED TIME TO
RECHARGE, 
I'D HAVE TO RESPECT THAT.
I'D HAVE TO ALLOW THEM TO.

AND IF I RESPECTED THEM, 
I'D WANT THEM TO.

I mean, when I'm tired and drained, 
I'M NOT MYSELF. 
I DON'T FEEL LIKE MYSELF. 

WOULDN'T YOU WANT TO BE
AROUND SOMEONE
WHO DOES FEEL LIKE THEMSELVES?

SO THEY CAN BE THEMSELVES, 
WHEN YOU HANG OUT?

"I WON'T BUG YOU, THEN..."
SAYING THAT SH*T BUGS ME.

BECAUSE I NEVER SAID ANYTHING
ABOUT THEM BUGGING ME.

IT WAS TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD
THAT THEY THOUGHT 
THEY WERE BUGGING ME.

OR SOMETHING STUPID LIKE THAT.

INSTEAD OF NOT MAKING ANY COMMENTS
EVEN REMOTELY LIKE THAT

AND JUST ALLOWED ME TO HAVE SOME SPACE...

Honestly, I don't want to be around people
who do that sh*t.

BECAUSE THEY'LL KEEP DOING IT.

I DON'T DESERVE TO "FEEL BAD"
ABOUT WANTING SPACE
TO DO MY OWN THING, TOO.

Healthy balances are supposed to be HEALTHY.

TOO MUCH SOCIALIZING, 
WITH JUST ONE PERSON
WHO WANTS YOUR FULL ATTENTION
THE WHOLE TIME YOU'RE TOGETHER
TO THE POINT
YOU CAN'T EVEN SIT WITH
SOMETHING THEY TELL YOU
BEFORE THEY'RE ONTO ANOTHER THING...

THAT TAKES A LOT OF MENTAL ENERGY.

AND I NEED AT LEAST SOME
OF MY MENTAL ENERGY
FOR THINGS I WANT TO DO, TOO.

WANTING ALL OF SOMEONE'S TIME, 
ATTENTION, AND ENERGY
IS SELFISH.

"I WON'T BUG YOU, THEN."
WHY SAY THAT AT ALL?

JUST SAY "CALL ME WHEN YOU WANNA CHILL."
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

OR: "ARE WE STILL ON FOR SUNDAY?"

WHATEVER ELSE.

"I WON'T BUG YOU, THEN."
IS SUCH A GUILT TRIP THING TO SAY.
SO DON'T FKN SAY IT.

THAT SH*T BUGS PEOPLE.
IT BUGS ME.

What we should have done
was gone out when it was raining, 
and picked up some juicy, thick ones
for fishing.

Even though I won't be doing any
actual fishing... 

I really suck at casting. 

A big part of it is casting. 

Because you want to cast it as far out as you can.

But yeah, I'd be okay with one day on, two off...

Not every day for like 2 solid weeks
because yeah, I'll get burnt out...

Other people can socialize...
And they are extrovert...

They have the energy to spare, I guess.

Does it take energy just being an introvert?
Never really thought about that... 

But maybe it does...

Maintaining, or trying to maintain
some sort of inner balance
if someone has an inner balance...

I used to think it was easier
than being an extrovert... 

Sometimes I wonder if it's true.

Not everything we think is true.
Just thinking it doesn't mean it's true.

There's a movie I saw recently...
It's called Lost Child. 

Anyways, the main character (a female)
goes back to her hometown
looking for her biological brother...

Ends up staying at a cabin her father owned...
He passed away, in the story, 
before the movie "starts."

So she's staying there, looking for her brother... 

Comes across a lost boy...
In the woods...
He lived out there, no family left...

But superstitions... Got to her head...

Just because stories could "get to your head"
doesn't mean they were ever true.

But it was kind of about
how we can believe all kinds of things
but didn't mean they were true.

Kind of an underlying theme of the movie.

The underlying themes
are just as important... 

Sometimes even more so...

Just that... Most people aren't looking at that.

It's fine to watch a movie, just as a movie.
But, it's also neat to watch it from different views...

That's part of why a story I'm writing is being written
from different points of views so that
it's the same "story"
with different "views."

Hard to explain, and makes it a bit
more "complicated,"
writing different parts... 

But if I can pull it off, it could "work."
For the story.

Most people just watch movies as movies, 
but the story of the movie
sometimes has hidden stuff to it.

Some underlying stuff...

I get liking someone and wanting to be around them...
Just don't have to be together all the time.

Really tired tonight.

I might write again, later.
Or when I wake up.

The BBQ, thought it was cancelled, 
but they had it...

I would have gone, but I was told it was cancelled.

Beating The Heat

Today, I got a knock at my door.
Thought it was my neighbor
because he's been the only one visiting me, lately. 

It was a couple of neighbors who asked
if I still wanted an AC unit. 

So we made a deal for it, $50
and they came in and installed it, for me.

The last couple of days the heat's been... Crazy.

I ended up getting burned, again. 

I like being in the sun, but not burned by it.

Anyway, it'll be better to sleep, tonight.

Sweaty, restless nights are kinda annoying, haha.

Anyway, I've had to rearrange some stuff, but...
It's nice to have AC on days like the last two days...

Today wasn't as bad as yesterday... 

One of the guys who came up with the AC, 
he was the guy who was in the hospital
when I moved in here.

Unfortunately, he needs to get back on oxygen... 

But that can change... 

He was great without it since he got back
from the hospital, this time. 

On a walk with my neighbor....
(I took him hostage to go eat with me)...

We found a couple of hard drives 
someone was giving away... 

At the end of someone's laneway, 
in one of those static bags,
taped up... 

With a sign on it "FREE."

Anyway, he looked at them for us.
Whoever was giving them away, wiped them, 
and he's going to make sure they're clean
before giving them back to us. 

There's a computer shop near where I live, 
so I'm going to get a new laptop, soon.

I'm hoping it will last as long as this one has... 

Then, there's a bunch of stuff I want to get going on... 
Website stuff.

Just been taking a break...

But I really have to buckle down with it, 
as soon as I can figure out something... 

Because as much as I'd love to just rip through it, 
this computer is insanely slow at times
and it's mega ultra frustrating. 

Today, I went to an all day breakfast place. 
It was nice for a change. 

There was a dude passed out under a tree... 

I went to the gas station and bought him
a couple of bottles of water
and I put them near enough to him
so that I'm hoping that he sees them
when he wakes up. 

It's best not to wake them up. 
A lot of them wake up swinging... 

One dude was practically passed out
like bent in half, 
was close to falling on his head... 

Across the street... 

Anyway, I did a bit of knitting tonight, 
and a bit of crocheting, tonight, 
even a bit of cleaning and reading tonight.

There was supposed to be a bbq for the building... 
But it's going to be raining on Friday... 

We need the rain pretty bad
and not surprising the sky's heavy
with all the fluid it sucked out of
everyone and everything... 

Might go to the beach with my neighbor. 
He says he hasn't been to it, yet, 
and we're trying to set something up, together. 

Just haven't been out to get much done with it, 
because the weather's been nuts. 

Every time we've made plans to go,
we haven't gone.

And we end up getting into other stuff, 
like smoking joints... 

It's nice to relax, and smoke, 
but it's also nice to get sh*t done.

I like Sativa for that reason. 

Getting high and doing something. 

It is nice to get high and not do anything, 
but it's also nice to get into something, 
creative... 

I've got my projects I've already started, 
so I get to pick what I want to work on, 
and I love it, that way, 
because sometimes I need to pick up steam
on a project, by working on another thing... 

It's hard to explain how it works, for me, 
but that's how it is. 

Or I'll lose momentum completely, 
and no... I don't want that. 

So as long as I keep going, 
with something, I'm still going... 

Been pretty tired, lately, though. 

Today, I was going to have a nap, 
but ended up reading and knitting, instead.

I picked up a bunch of books that were downstairs
a while ago. 

I am going to "make myself" read at least a couple of them. 
So I picked one up, today. 

Also, the power was out for most of the day...
They were replacing the generator... 

They had to split the work into two parts, 
so the time they did the same thing, 
last week, that was part 1.

Then, this week was part 2.
And hoping for them to not have
and key disruptions... 

ALL DANG DAY

Coming up any time soon. 

The day time, being summer... 

A neighbor who wants to smoke pot all the time... 

He'd smoke it by himself... 
It's that he wants to hang out all the time. 

I don't mind hanging out, 
but I actually want to get stuff down.

I'm behind with the plans I had. 

It started wit h slacking a couple days here and there
and it turned into a couple of weeks
of not doing much of anything... 

Like sure, nice to feel like you can
kick back just a little bit... 

BUT...

WHEN THERE ARE THINGS TO DO, 
THERE ARE THINGS TO DO.

AND IF THOSE THINGS
ARE ONLY GOING TO GET DONE
IF YOU DO THEM... 

WELL, YOU GOTTA DO THEM, 
TO GET 'EM DONE.

AND THEN... THEN YOU CAN CHILL.

Anyway, other than that,
and going to get a new computer, soon, 
not a heck of a lot.

Nothing much to update about. 

Sometimes I wish there was a ton to write about, 
other times, probably a blessing there's

not mega ultra drama 
going down... 

I mean, usually is something to write about, 
the things that go on here... 

The corner fence got cleaned up recently.

The couch and the mattress are gone.

I saw an ambulance, out there,
they came to get the guy who was out there... 

Yesterday, pretty sure, 
or the day before. 

Each day has bee blurring together... 

A lot of these days... 
Not a lot going on... 

I'd rather it be an uneventful day
than a day packed with
"too much excitement."

As much as I don't mind chilling with my neighbor, 
he's made advances towards me before.

Keeps calling me Sweets and called me Pumpkin. 
That sh*t bugs tf outta me, 
but didn't say anything. 

He keeps doing it, though. 

Anyway, we were out on my balcony, 
and we were standing at the railing. 
He was standing next to me, 
and he slid over 
and rubbed my elbow. 

THAT SH*T, 
HE WOULDN'T DO THAT TO A DUDE.

IT'S THAT HE'S MADE THE EXCUSE
THAT I'M A FEMALE, TO DO THAT.

EVEN THOUGH I TOLD HIM, 
I'LL ONLY BE A FRIEND. 

THAT'S IT. 

NO ROMANTIC INTEREST.

IF ANYTHING, 
IF IT WERE A PARTNERSHIP, 
IT'D BE BUSINESS ONLY. 

IN THE SPHERE OF WEBSITE STUFF. 

Anyway, it's not like I can explain all the stuff...

About websites to people who don't know about it...

So even when I try to explain it, 
it's either that I can't explain it in a way
that makes sense, 
or I try to explain it, 
the best that I can, 
but it's to do with
just a lot of stuff isn't so "basic."

Well, I'm going to take my medication and go to bed.