Future Suggestions

My place isn't even available yet and
they brought people into my place
TO LOOK AT IT
BEFORE THEY EVEN RENOVATED IT!!!
BEFORE I EVEN MOVED OUT.

I got stuff packed, for the most part
BUT COULD THEY NOT HAVE WAITED?
UNTIL I WAS OUT OF HERE?

It's different if the place is getting SOLD, 
But they shouldn't have been
TRYING TO SHOW THIS PLACE.

And the guy, with the two ladies
said they won't be taking the unit anyway.

Because I said that if they do, 
I saved 2 pigeons from a raccoon, 
and they come every night.

I DIDN'T TELL THEM THE BUILDING
HAS HAD BEDBUGS, THO.

I sent an email to the manager saying
that had I not heard anyone knock
and had been asleep, naked, 
that would have been an even worse look. 

I heard one of the ladies:
"This isn't like the places I saw on the website..."

Because it hasn't been updated
to their current standards.

You know how hard it was to get them
TO REPLACE THE FLOOR
WHILE I WAS HERE?

It's that parkay floors, or however you say it
OR SPELL IT.

Wooden pieces.

Anyway, the pieces were detaching
from the floor and they were
sticking to my feet as I walked.

I was getting fed up with that. I told them. 
I had to tell them that I'd go above them
for them to do it.

TO GET THEM TO DO IT.

And when my fridge was making a LOUD NOISE.
FOR MONTHS...

The guy who came to look at it...
He said I was lucky that it hadn't exploded. 

"How long's it been doing that?"
"Four months."

BECAUSE YOU TELL THEM
AND THEY CONVENIENTLY FORGET.

The company that used to own
"the neighborhood"
WAS PRETTY BAD, 
but these guys who took over, 
are worse.

And not by a little bit, though.

Like what could they even see?
While they were here?
With my boxes and furniture
crammed into the living room. 

The bedrooms are mostly empty, 
the bathroom...

My brother was here to help me clean off the balcony.
While he was taking crap downstairs for me, 
the guy brought the people over. 

They should have clued in
THAT IF THEY WERE DROPPING IN ON ME
LIKE THEY DID
THEY'D HAVE PEOPLE
DROP IN ON THEM
LIKE I DID.

But seriously, if I hadn't heard the door
because I was knocked out, on medication, 
sleeping naked, 

and they just let themselves into my place?

They already did that, once.

A lady came to look at something
in my bathroom. 

I woke up, saw the light in the bathroom
switch off, and a lady steps out
someone I didn't know, 
and I actually was half naked. 

And luckily it was a woman, 
not some guy...

Somehow makes it less of a thing
if it's someone from the same sex, maybe.

At least I'd rather it be another female
than some stranger dude
seeing me trying to cover myself. 

But, yeah, like have a tad of respect.
For the person who's rent's not up yet.

I still have a week here, left.
I paid for the entire month.

Wouldn't they want to show a unit
that's been redone, refurbished, 
up to the current standards?

BETTER CHANCE THEY'D TAKE IT.

And with the bedbug issue in the building, 
not just my unit...

And that time the raccoon climbed up here...

And the time the pipe broke.

IT HAPPENS, PIPES BREAK. 
What they could have done
was told me that my stuff got wet
so that I could dry it out.

BECAUSE THEY WOULD HAVE WANTED THAT.

The pigeons are going nuts outside.
They saw the balcony's been cleaned off.

I borrowed my brother's wagon so I can take
some stuff out tonight. 

He let me borrow his laptop, too. 

And brought me some food.
What little he had, he shared it, with me.

And he's still going to help me
to get stuff out of here
before I move, 
then he'll help with the move. 

My other brother is MIA as usual.

I even posted on facebook
asking for some help.
Crickets.

It's not like I even have to go
very far to drop some stuff off
before I move.

So I'll take what I can bring
in the wagon that I borrowed
from my brother to take stuff. 

Just bothered me that they'd even
BRING ANYONE HERE
WHILE I'M STILL HERE
AND NOTHING'S BEEN FIXED, EVEN.

MY WINDOW'S STILL CRACKED FFS.

They told me they were coming, today, 
to look at the window, 
but NOBODY TOLD ME
THEY WERE COMING
AND BRING PEOPLE OVER
TO LOOK AT THE UNIT.

If they'd sent me an email about it, 
there'd be a record that they notified me.

"You didn't get the letter?"

YOU THINK I'M LOOKING FOR
LETTERS FROM YOU GUYS?

The last thing should be:
Your move-out date has been confirmed.

EVERYTHING ELSE
CAN BE HANDLED
AFTER I HAVE MOVED OUT.
VACATED.

Y'know?

Just let me move tf out. Just that. Okay?

Then when I no longer reside here
Do whatever you're going to do with this place.
Paint the walls pink for all I care.

But before the place has been vacated?
And renovated?
And updated?

WHY BOTHER DOING THAT?

Like it goes to show what their priorities are.
Get someone in ASAP. Sure.

Business is business, whatever.

But an empty, nicely updated, 
fully refurbished, etc place

LOOKS BETTER THAN A PLACE
THAT'S BEEN LIVED IN FOR 20 YEARS
WITH THE PERSON
TRYING TO MOVE OUT.

"Doesn't look like the website."
Of course, it doesn't. 

Because why would they update it?
Until after I have moved out?

And everyone assuming that mine's like
theirs and they are all the same... Nope.

Doesn't look like the website....!!!!

So I said "show them a similar unit."

Like if they can show mine off
WHILE I'M STILL IN IT, 
THEY COULD HAVE SHOWN
ANY OF THE OTHER ONES, RIGHT?

BUT WHY INTRUDE ON THEM?
THEY AREN'T MOVING OUT.

I haven't gotten to see my new place, yet.

I'll SEE IT WHEN I SIGN THE LEASE.
AND GET THE KEYS.

But they sent me pictures of
A SIMILAR UNIT
BECAUSE MINE
ISN'T AVAILABLE, YET.

Probably was still occupied.
AND OUT OF RESPECT
FOR THE PERSON STILL BEING THERE
SHOWED ME PICTURES
OF A SIMILAR UNIT.

And the building they are going to be
putting up next to this one, 
I guess after the train line's done, 
they are going to be smaller units, 
but they are going to cost more.

Probably because of the location
and being close to transit etc.

I heard that in some places, 
it costs so much to live there
that the places are just vacant.

Just that I wasn't happy about them
just showing up with people, like that.

Wait until I've moved out?
Just 1 week, not long.

Then UPDATE EVERYTHING
BEFORE YOU SHOW IT.

Not the state that it's in, now.
Why?

So do I get to look forward
to that AGAIN?

More people "coming to look at the place?"
Should I give them the grand tour?

Can't even really get a feel for this place
with my belongings still in it.

When I was shown this place, it was empty.
But it had been done to the standards
they had before they updated everything
to the current "style."

This place is haunted by something.
So I am hoping that whatever it is, 
stays here.

I don't like anything being trapped here, 
if that's the case.

Might not be anything I could do about that
even if I wanted to.

BUT others have felt something here, too.

AND it still bugs me that when my son ran away,
I only knew someone had been here
BECAUSE THAT DOOR WAS OPEN.

As though they waited until I'd gone out
to let themselves in, to look for him
as though I had anything to do with it.

He ran away from SCHOOL, not here.

But I guess they did that in case I had done anything. 
To be treated as though I would, though.

"She's CRAZY so she must have done something."

IF I AM 'CRAZY'
I'M NOT 'CRAZY' ENOUGH
TO DO STUPID SH*T.

But they wanted to treat me like that
TO GIVE THEMSELVES A REASON
TO LABEL ME AS 'UNFIT.'

If I had done anything, sure.
But had I?

THEY WANTED TO GIVE
THEMSELVES A REASON
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE ONE.

Just like anyone who ever tried
TO TURN SOMEONE AGAINST ME
KNEW THEY NEEDED A REASON
TO BE AGAINST ME.

SO THEY HAD TO LIE, PROJECT, ETC.

BECAUSE THERE WASN'T A FKN REASON. 
AND THEY KNEW IT.

That's what p*ssed me off. 
AND GOING THROUGH THAT 
UNNECESSARY BS
FOR FKN NOTHING, 
NO OTHER REASON
THAN SOMEONE 
WAS INSECURE ABOUT ME.

Is it MY fault? 
Would it be THEIR FAULT?
IF I WAS INSECURE ABOUT THEM?

AND LIED ABOUT THEM
TO TRY TO MAKE THEM LOOK
LIKE SOMETHING THEY'RE NOT?

And I was supposed to stay for more of that sh*t?
BUT EVERYTHING THEY SAID AND DID
EXPOSED THEM.

SAYS NOTHING ABOUT ME.
Because I'm not the one doing that sh*t.

But it's also POINTLESS TO STAY.
BECAUSE THAT'D JUST BE MORE BS
THAN IT'S ALREADY BEEN.

NOT WORTH IT, TO ME.

Anyway, my point:
WOULD IT BE THEIR FAULT
IF I WAS BEING THAT WAY?

So why should it BE MINE?
AND YET I HAVE BEEN TREATED
AS THOUGH IT'S ALL MY FAULT
FOR BEING A WHATEVER
TF I SUPPOSEDLY AM...
OR SUPPOSEDLY BEEN
THE WHOLE TIME.

EVEN THE NICEST PERSON
ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
WOULD JUST MOVE TF ON FROM THAT.

BECAUSE WHY?

Am I supposed to stick around
TO TRY TO PROVE I'M NOT XYZ?

How long would that take
IF THEY HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT
WHAT EVEN TOOK PLACE
AGAINST ME
FOR NO FKN REASON?

And they expect me NOT to be "upset"
about that?

AND WANT TO BLAME ME
FOR NOT WANTING TO
STICK AROUND?

Could I blame THEM
IF THEY DIDN'T WANT TO?

I could, BUT WOULD IT BE
THEIR FAULT
FOR NOT WANTING TO?
STICK AROUND?
FOR ANY BS?

It'd be MY OWN FAULT
For letting people who wanted
TO BE IN MY EAR
ABOUT THEM,

TO BE IN MY EAR ABOUT THEM.

Because after I realize that was going on, 
Because: gotta make us
walk away from each other.

Or that would really BOTHER
SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T WANT
EITHER OF US
TO BE IN EACH OTHER'S LIVES.

But THAT and slamming the door
in one's own face...

Repeatedly, when that didn't "need" to happen. 
At all, let alone repeatedly...

Am I supposed to wait "for it to make sense"?
And how long am I supposed to wait for THAT?
JUST that?

Want me to understand it for them, too?
Am I to blame because I DON'T WANT TO DO IT?
AND THAT IT'S NOT MY JOB
TO UNDERSTAND SOMETHING
FOR SOMEONE ELSE.

But it seems that when I DO understand
AND THEY ACT LIKE THEY DON'T, 

THEY TRY TO MAKE IT SEEM
LIKE I'M THE ONE WHO DOESN'T GET IT.

"See? You're stupid as hell. Nothing you're saying makes sense."
Did someone tell you that?

That's been reading my messages, the whole time, 
for a reason...

Did they tell you that?
Or are you reaching that "conclusion"
on your own after IGNORING
EVERYTHING I WAS SAYING?

Of course they don't want
ANYTHING I SAY
TO MAKE SENSE TO YOU
AND WANT YOU TO
"JUST IGNORE HER"

So that there's no conversation about it, 
OR ANYTHING LOL.

AND THEY CAN "ASSUME"
EVERYTHING THAT'S BEING SAID
ABOUT ME'S ALL "TRUTH."

Without any conversations about anything. 

Because that's what they are being "told" to do.

So all those conversations we could have had, 
I'M NOT GOING TO TRY TO
STICK AROUND
TO KEEP TRYING
TO HAVE THEM. 

So one day, they can wonder
about the conversations
we could have had
IF IT WASN'T ALWAYS
A FKN HASSLE TO HAVE ANY?

Why talk to someone when it's been
A FKN HASSLE TO TALK TO THEM?

AND THEY CHOSE TO BE A FKN HASSLE
TO EVEN TALK TO FFS.

Is that supposed to "turn me on"?

Of course, they wanted him to drive me away.
Because had we been
ON THE SAME PAGE
THINGS WOULD BE VERY DIFFERENT.

As long as someone else
wants you to dismiss etc someone
AND YOU LISTEN TO THAT PERSON
AND YOU DISMISS SOMEONE
THAT THEY WANT YOU TO DISMISS, 

YOU CHOSE TO DO IT, 
THAT WAS STILL A CHOICE.

Which is a choice someone
WANTED YOU TO MAKE
BY TRYING TO GET YOU TO DO IT.
And getting you TO do it...

WHEN THEY SHOULD HAVE ZERO
POWER OR CONTROL
FOR THEM TO EVEN TRY
TO DO THAT.

It turned out people trying to give me "advice"
THAT I NEVER ASKED FOR
WAS FOR A REASON.

Because they wanted me to think
certain things, in a certain way
so that I would do what they wanted me to do. 

BUT THEY FORGOT THAT IT IS MY CHOICE.

And when someone wants you to think
certain things, in a certain way, 
WHAT IS THE REASON FOR THAT?

BECAUSE IF THERE WAS NONE?
WHY DO THAT?

So it turned out that there were reasons
people were "trying to tell me what to do"
BECAUSE OF CERTAIN THINGS
THEY'D RATHER NEVER ADMIT.

They don't know that I can sense it. 
And I only stay for so long. 

And when I do, part ways, 
they want to blame me for it, 
and not look at ANYTHING
THEY EVER DID OR SAID
OR THE REASONS FOR THOSE THINGS.

Because if they'd look at those
they'd just let me go and live my life.

LIKE I COULD HAVE BEEN DOING
INSTEAD OF WASTING TIME ON THAT SH*T.

And if I had stuck around, it might have
just prolonged things 
PREVENTED THE REALIZATION
FROM HAPPENING?

If it ever does, I guess.
But if it doesn't, that's my fault, too, eh?

My fault (whoever) didn't realize xyz?
My fault for trying to tell them, too, eh?

But why listen to me?
I need a "success story" to be "taken seriously."

Maybe I've already succeeded
BECAUSE I REALIZED XYZ.

and because I realized
that I don't have to ACT
LIKE I HAVEN'T REALIZED XYZ.

And seemingly I'm not afforded any credit.
Like I'm still so far beneath
ANYONE WHO HASN'T.

AND BLAMED THAT THEY HAVEN'T.

WHEN IT'S NOT MY FAULT
THAT THEY HAVEN'T.

Are they trying to realize anything?
Are they thinking what they're being told
to think? About me and everyone else?
But especially about me?

Should have taken me at my intial stance.

NOT FOR WHAT PEOPLE
WHO DON'T KNOW ME
WANT YOU TO THINK
ABOUT ME.

But yet here we are, right?

Despite what everyone
WANTED ME TO THINK, 
IT WAS STILL MY CHOICE, RIGHT?

But what am I supposed to think
WHEN I GET SHOWN THE SAME BS?

AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK:

JUST WHAT I WANTED!
I'M GOING TO STAY FOREVER!"?
I FEEL SO LOVED AND VALUED!?

But did they want me to be?

Because they could have just let me be?

BUT IT WASN'T MY CHOICE
AS MUCH AS IT WASN'T THEIR CHOICE.

But nothing got to happen, not much.
That was intentional and I said that.

When someone's doing sh*t
behind the scenes
and they don't want to be seen
for what they are doing, 
they have to distract
from the fact they are doing it.

Or they'll be seen for doing it.

The distraction was all the BS about me.
And anyone believing it and feeding into it
ARE CHOOSING TO DO THAT.

WHILE I CHOOSE TO DO
WHAT I AM CHOOSING TO DO.

They aren't going to be all like:
"I'm doing xyz because of abc"

Because that'd be GIVING IT AWAY.

Saboteurs aren't going to announce it.
"By the way, I've been doing this, 
because I'm doing that, because of this and that."

They either just do it, if they are
and don't, if they aren't.

And when they do it, 
they aren't saying they are doing it.

OR IT WOULDN'T WORK. 

Because they have to try to seem
AS THOUGH THEY AREN'T
TO 'GET AWAY WITH' DOING IT.

And when they do this type of sh*t
all the time, at all costs, 
they get "better" at going "undetected."

BUT DON'T LISTEN TO ME ABOUT IT.

It's not like this type of shit even happens, eh?

I didn't think much about it until this sh*t.
I knew it did happen, sometimes, but...

Didn't think it'd happen to me, I guess.

Sh*t like that happened at school, but I guess
that I kinda thought
that after school, it'd be over.

Because that's pre-teen sh*t.

So anyway, just not impressed
with that and that they
brought people over here
when nothing's been done to the place, yet.

Wait until the person moves out, 
when it looks all nice because it's redone...

That makes sense.

My brother was saying that
what if I died the night before?
Were they going to show them my dead body?

Like anything could have happened.

Obviously they were supervised
not like they'd get to go through my stuff
IF I WASN'T HOME.

But just... Would have been a better look
FOR THEM
HAD THEY WAITED.

And the lady's going to say:
"It doesn't look like the website."
To everyone she knows.

And they have to "explain" why it didn't.

That the whole time I was here, 
they didn't update anything.

They'd rather save the money
and update everything when I leave.

Which they have a right to do.
To just wait until someone leaves.

They can do whatever to a unit
once someone leaves.

Just really bugged me.
Not to be even told
that anyone was coming. 

AND IT WASN'T LIKE
THEY WERE FOR SURE
TAKING THE UNIT.

SO WHY SHOW IT?
LIKE THIS?

The guy who came about the window...
He could see that I'm moving out.

AND PEOPLE KEEP ASKING ME WHY.
Does it matter why?

Just am. That's why.

Do I need to list all the reasons?
Do I need to tell them all the things
about this place that have sucked
and seem to be getting worse?

Maybe I'm moving at the right time.

Let mirror smasher
send two girls
to someone else's apartment
looking for me...

Of course someone wanted him
mad at me enough to want to, right?

AND BECAUSE HE KEPT CHOOSING
TO LISTEN TO THEM ABOUT ME

WHAT WAS THE FKN POINT?
AT ALL LET ALONE 'ANYMORE.'

Having people in your ear
ABOUT SOMEONE
THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO
HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH...

BECAUSE IF YOU DID, 
YOU'D SEE WHAT THEY WERE SAYING
WERE LIES AND BS
TO DISTRACT ETC.

But imagine YEARS of that sh*t...

And at some point you're asking yourself:
Is it even fkn worth it? No?
THEN WTF AM I WAITING FOR
TO LIVE THE REST OF MY LIFE
WITHOUT THAT SH*T IN IT?

How patient can someone be
WHEN THEY HAD TO DEAL WITH SH*T
THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO "DEAL WITH."?

AND JUST EXPECTED TO KEEP
"DEALING WITH IT"?

If something is a huge hassle, 
why waste your time with it?

But if someone's making someone
make everything a huge hassle
to waste my time
and make me so mad that I walk away,

AND IF IT ISN'T SEEN FOR WHAT IT IS,
IS IT MY FAULT THEY CAN'T SEE IT?

OR IF THEY DON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT
BECAUSE THEY CAN'T SEE IT?

They weren't supposed to see it.
Even if they do, they weren't supposed to.

If I even stayed to STATE MY CASE
Which would be fkn pointless
Because I shouldn't fkn have to...

If I did, it'd be my fault
FOR EVERYTHING, 
ALL THE TIME.

And would I ever GET ANYWHERE?

Not that it was ABOUT getting anywhere.
It's about not wanting to go NOWHERE.
It's about not wanting to waste time.

BECAUSE WHY WOULD I WANT THAT?

Why go backwards?

Something came to mind.
Kinda about archery....

Like drawing the arrow backward.
To shoot it forwards.

Sure, being propelled forward is
SOMETHING,
BUT WHAT'S THE AIM?

What's the trajectory
if something's "blocking"

But sometimes, it goes straight through.

It reminds me of a case that I heard about.
It was an accidental shooting.

Someone in one hotel room, 
accidentally fired a gun
and the bullet struck a person
in the adjacent hotel room

who had nothing to do with
or had no knowledge of the guy
who accidentally shot him.

EVEN THOUGH THERE WAS A WALL
SEPARATING THEM, 
THE BULLET STILL STRUCK HIM,
KILLING HIM.

Walls can keep out a lot of things, 
but I guess they can't keep out
stray bullets.

Kind of an analogy.

The same guy who shot him accidentally
could have shot im intentionally
since it was possible
to shoot him unintentionally.

To do with that, but something else
that I'm struggling to find the words
to express.

Woke up with anxiety, 
but so tired I need to go back to sleep. 

Maybe those feelings of being "not impressed"
haven't washed away, yet.

Disappointment
is different from being "unimpressed."


"I don't have any similar units available."
This one's not even available, yet.

Wait until it is
SO YOU CAN FIX IT UP
AND SHOW IT OFF
TO YOUR HEART'S CONTENT.

But while it hasn't been fixed?
Someone's still living there?
With their boxes etc?
And a cracked window, even?

What if I was a crackhead or something?
What if I was getting kicked out
because I spent all my money on crack?

It wasn't the people coming to look at it...
Not their fault these guys couldn't figure it out
THAT THEY SHOULD ONLY
BE SHOWING IT AFTER IT'S BEEN REDONE ETC...

I WASN'T MAD AT THEM, 
I WAS UNIMPRESSED WITH THE FACT
THEY'D BRING THEM HERE, LIKE THIS.


It's like WHEN am I supposed to catch a break?
Is the new place supposed to be the break I've
been waiting for and wanting for so long?

Right after I've given up on ever catching a break?
Because it's been so long
that I could even catch one
so why would I suddenly catch one, now?

Sometimes people catch breaks
that they don't even know they've caught.

Until they look back.
And realize, it was likely
the best break they could have caught.

BUT BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T
LOOK AT IT THAT WAY, AT THAT TIME, 

THEY LOSE THEIR LUCKY BREAK.


I just got a vision of someone
trying to hold "a star" in their hands, 
but burning their hands, 
because it was too "hot" to "handle."

Not really sure what that's supposed to
"signify,"
but I think it has something to do with
losing something
because you can't "handle" it
whatever the reason for that.

It's not that I go out of my way
to freaking be difficult.

BUT I SHOULDN'T BE BLAMED
FOR BEING P*SSED OFF
ESPECIALLY IF THEY WOULD BE, TOO.

BUT BLAME ME FOR EVERYTHING.
EVEN WHY THAT ALL HAPPENED.

BLAME ME FOR THAT, TOO.
AND FOR CHOOSING NOT TO LISTEN.

DON'T GET ENOUGH BLAME.
GOTTA LOAD MORE ONTO ME.

SO I CAN TAKE IT ALL.
WHY NOT?

Because not ALL of it belongs to ME.

That's probably why I shouldn't be
LOADED WITH IT.
OVERLOADED WITH IT.

And even when someone's been
WRONG ABOUT ME
THE WHOLE TIME
THEY WON'T ADMIT IT.

Especially when it was because
SOMEONE WANTED THEM TO BE.

JUST TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT.
REPEATEDLY.

THEY WON'T ADMIT IT.

Because it'd make them look
LIKE THEY WEREN'T
SMART ENOUGH
TO FIGURE OUT
THEY DIDN'T NEED TO BE
ABOUT THAT SH*T.

But they want to blame me?
FOR WALKING AWAY FROM THAT SH*T?

LIKE I'M A B*TCH
FOR NOT WANTING THAT?
WHEN I HAVE A RIGHT TO?
TO NOT WANT THAT?
OR ANYTHING TO DO 
WITH THAT?

If someone wanted me to treat someone
THE WAY I WAS TREATED

THERE'D BE A REASON WHY THEY WANTED THAT.
OR WHY WOULD THEY WANT THAT?

But I'm the b*tch because
INSTEAD OF SHOVING THAT IN YOUR FACE
WHICH YOU DONT LIKE WHEN I DO
I JUST SAID FK THIS.

I would have been a "b*tch" either way.
For trying to wake you tf up,
Or telling you to fk right off.

My "happy medium" is not feeling like
I need to do either of those things.

Because I shouldn't have to, 
or have any reason to.

That is my "happy medium."

AND IT SEEMS THAT WHEN I HAVE 
WANTED TO FINALLY 
LET SOMEONE IN...

LOOK WHAT TENDS TO HAPPEN.

So why do I want to do that, now?
TO DO THAT SH*T ALL OVER AGAIN?
TO WASTE MORE TIME?

Because I'd only be f*cking myself around, 
at that point. And why do that?

Just because you could do that, 
doesn't mean you should.

Just like they "could" show up
unannounced, like that, 
BUT THEY SHOULDN'T.

THEY "COULD"
TRY TO BLOCK ME
AND KEEP TRYING
BUT THEY SHOULDN'T.

They "could"
try to make themselves 
feel better "than me"
by trying to cut me down, 
but they shouldn't.

All that energy being put out "at me"
reflects back to them
because they were doing it.

That's not even why I wasn't doing it.
I had no reason to do it.

There was nothing for me to 
"gain" from it.

Karma, but that's it.
Trying to satisfy yourself
with things that shouldn't seem
satisfying
(that don't satisfy me)
doesn't work for the long run.

Instead of narrowing down on me,
FOR WHATEVER REASON,
They could have been narrowing down
on whatever else.

That's why I don't have to "narrow down"
on anyone. No reason for me to do it.
I can "narrow down" on writing
and a ton of other things.

Why focus in on someone?
Why me of all other people?

Because I'm "different"?

Just bugs me, I guess, still. 


















 

Inside The Frame

I should be excited about moving, 
the "newness" and stuff like that.
Meeting new neighbors, also.

I'll miss the neighbors I have, now.
I wrote a letter to one of my neighbors tonight.

It was hard to write it, but I had to.
I couldn't just leave without saying anything.

I did that when I was a kid. 
I regret doing that.

My friend came by my old house, one day, 
and it was empty, we'd moved.

What a sh*tty feeling that must have been.
I feel so sh*tty about that.

I guess when you're 10, you don't think
about those things.


I got some raspberry and pomegranate tea.
It's nice and "fruity."

And I don't usually put sugar in my tea, 
(almost wrote tea in my sugar lol).

I got it because I guess I had a few bags of it
in a container and when I was packing the kitchen.

And I drank all that specialty tea that came in the tin.
The commemorative tin. 

It was a good tea, it was an earl grey type.
A proper British tea.

But it was a premium tea.
The commemorative tin was for Queen Elizabeth.

I went to a school named Queen Elizabeth.
After the Queen. 

For grades 7 and 8 and the high school next to it, 
that's where a lot of the kids went after we graduated.

I have a thing for tins. Can't explain it.
But I like them, a lot.

My lockbox is like a big tin lol.
Thought about putting an actual lock on it, 
but worried that I might lose the key.

It has handles, though.

I'd like to get a new bed, 
with a new bed set.

The blankets I made, 
I'm thinking of donating them.

Either to the group I'm in, 
or to the thrift store.

Probably the thrift store.
I'd really like to just do one big trip.

Just one and done. LOL.


My friend was studying for his exam
and he came across something that says
Penultimate.

I taught him that word.
He hadn't heard of it before.

I guess he didn't believe me
that it was a "thing,"
until he came across the word while studying.

So he told me about it and said he thought of me.

I actually met him on a dating site.
We never dated, I'm not his "type."

He likes "nerdy" girls and I'm not "nerdy" enough.
And I think he likes the typical types of girls.

He had a neighbor he was crushing on, for a bit.

As long as we've been friends, we have 0 pictures together.
Same for most of my friends.

I have 3 close male friends.
I definitely don't see them as anything other than friends.
And at least two of them doesn't see me that way.
At least I don't think they do.
Pretty sure one definitely doesn't.

My other friend, he wanted an "arrangement."
Nope, sorry "bud."

At least he didn't get mad when I said no.
He was disappointed, I guess.
"Well, I was hoping..."

What about what I was hoping?
Not to be looked at like someone
who'd want an "arrangement." Y'know?

As much as he was disappointed that I don't want that, 
I'm disappointed in his thinking that I would.

Had a conversation with him tonight, briefly.
I was digging through my art stuff and 
I am going to give him my charcoal drawing
of a skull I did in high school. 

A print I did, and another I did of a woman.


I think he might have been out, somewhere.
Typing to me from his phone.

But anyway, it was just a check-in thing. 
To ask how things were going over here.

He said it's okay to leave stuff here.
Because people who work here...
They'll be gutting the place and they'll throw stuff out
if I can't manage to toss it myself. 

I'm not sure if I'll take the frame for the futon. 
The mattress parts, I'll use those
until I can get a new bed.

I'd like to get a couch, eventually.

It's just only been me, here, for years...
With the exception of a few guests.

Like the South American guy.

My son stays over sometimes.
Not often. 

The last time I saw him...
That was nice. We watched Alf together.

I introduced him to Alf when he was a kid.
It was one of my favorite shows when I was a kid.

I had Alf pajamas LOL. I was 7.

We watched Newhart together, back then.
He said he prefers Alf to Newhart.

There's an Alf movie, also.

There was supposed to be a season 5, 
but for whatever reason Alf ended.

It ended on a "to be continued"
and Alf got captured.

(Sorry to ruin that)
but I mention it because kids were
having nightmares about
what could have happened to Alf, 
so they made an Alf movie.

Back in the 90s Alf was all the rage.

And the NKOTB LOL.
They had merch like bananas.

They had barbies. I had one. LOL.
(won't say which one).

I think they broke up because one went to jail.
Something like that.

I was around 8 or 9...

And I used to like to watch PeeWee's Playhouse.
And my mom wouldn't tell me
why it got canceled LOL.

When I was a kid, I didn't know
that mustard and ketchup etc
were called condiments.

I used to think condiments
had something to do with
condom mints LOL.


My brother had a friend over when we were kids.
My mom was pouring them drinks
and my brother wanted the first glass.

My mom said "guests first."
My brother thought she said "guess first."
"It's kool aid!"

I feel kinda bad for kool aid.
Because they got associated with
"Don't drink the kool aid."

It wasn't kool aid, it was flavor aid.

A lot of people haven't heard of what happened.

I bet the people who joined the cult
didn't think it'd end like that.

I heard that one woman survived
because she hid under a bed.


I put some bird food out for the pigeons to eat.
They saw me put it out there, for them.

I looked to see if they ate any.
Sure enough, little birdy footprints 
in the snow.

I'm going to miss these guys.
I'd love to bring them with me.

I'm going to take a nest of theirs.
Maybe they'll be able to find me.
I'd love for them to find me.

They get up early.
Usually by 5am they are awake
and making their birdy noises.

Their birdy noises are comforting. 
Not sure why. But they are.

Maybe because they are soft sounds.
Soft, gentle sounds.

Coming from soft, gentle creatures.

They've been here, every year
since the first egg hatched.

They laid the egg, right by the door.

I think it was the one I brought inside, once.

I "caught" it and brought it inside to "chill" with me.
It got to see the bathroom, the shower, 
we watched a couple of movies together.

And there was a pigeon a friend brought here.

He found it at work.

And we took it to the bird sanctuary place
to get it checked out.
Because my friend thought the bird was sick
because the bird was malting.

But we couldn't "release" it back into the "wild"
because he was too "tame"
and we didn't want him to get hurt.
Also, because he didn't have a flock.

And not the easiest thing to do
to introduce just any bird to any flock.

The flock has to accept the bird.


Anyway, my friend found a pigeon "farm"
So he brought him there.
To be with his own "kind."
I think he was probably happier there
than being in an apartment
with no other birds.

He used to run across the back of the couch I had.

I was on a video call once.
And he made the frame.

"Is that a pigeon?" Unexpected.

So I explained where he came from.

Pigeons can be trained.
They are smart.

A friend had a pet pigeon.
He taught her to do a high-five with her wing.

A hawk scooped her up right out of the backyard.
My friend saw it happen.

And when my friend's dog got hit by a bus, 
he was there and saw it happen, too.

He's got a dog that is very active.
He lets his dog outside and tracks him.
He has a collar that has a tracker thing that has an app.

And he got his dog a harness that has a radio.
So he calls his dog on the radio to tell him to come home.
And his dog comes home, by himself, as told.

"K***, want some chicken? Come home and have some chicken."

He can tell if his dog crosses the road
that he's not supposed to cross by himself.

Anyway, I have a volleyball for him.

Then maybe he'll leave the deers and coyotes alone LOL.
He told me K*** chased a coyote through the front yard, once.

He literally brought home a deer's leg, once.
Not the whole thing, but it had a hoof attached.

And he found skulls and other bones that he brought home.
And my friend saved quills from when the porcupine got him.

I went to a concert in town, and a guy had a dead
porcupine in his truck, the bed of his truck.
Said he was planning on cooking and eating it.

Stuff we remember, eh?

O-town has its things about it.
The suburbians don't know
BECAUSE THEY STAY IN SUBURBIA.

But a lot of wild stuff happens.
Or has happened.

Like that dude who got kicked off the bus
for huffing spray paint at the back of the bus.

And the cases that we got to see the case files for, 
at school. Our professor for that class
was a former detective.

He told us about a couple of cases, 
the ones I remember, anyway.

One where a guy tried to plead self-defense.
He shot a guy who broke into his apartment.

The guy was so hell bent on getting into the building, 
that he broke the glass door, to get into the lobby.

Then I guess he kicked the guy's door in, 
and the guy had a gun, shot him.

Here, in Canada, we don't have a "stand your ground" law.
So if someone breaks in your house, 
you can get charged with murder for k*lling them. 
Even if it's "self-defense."

Also when the guy saw that he had a gun, 
he turned around and was heading OUT of the apartment
when the guy shot him. 

So even if we had that "stand your ground" law, 
it wouldn't have applied
because the guy saw the gun and was leaving.

He had "disengaged."

I remember that case.

Another case was that someone got st@bbed
close to where I used to live and
the guy was able to say who st@bbed him
before he died.

He died at a neighbor's house.
I guess he had to get to the first house
to ask for help.

And ended up dying, there.

That'd be pretty traumatic for the home owner.
Someone goes to you for help, 
and dies at your house...

I still think of that guy another guy and I came across.
He had overdosed and was barely hanging on.
He looked in really bad shape.
Like, very close to death.

I asked him if he could hear me.
He indicated that he could. 

So I told him not to roll onto his back. 
Because he'd been puking...

So I stood there, by him, 
and he rested against my leg
so that he physically could not roll over onto his back.

I didn't mind and he needed to rest.
I guess he had been puking all night.

I think he took all the pills
and started having second thoughts.

Two empty pill bottles were in his back. 
Nothing else.

We'd thought he'd been drinking too much.
Because of him puking all night.

But he really looked in bad shape
so I told the guy I was with to call an ambulance.
For the guy.

I think about the guy from time to time.

I remember when the EMS came and that's
when I realized he'd overdosed.

He realized that we all realized he'd overdosed.
He was crying a bit.

Told him it was okay,
and that I was just glad we found him. 

Seemed to comfort him a bit, I guess.
It's not a HUGE deal. 

I've overdosed a few times.
Had to get my stomach pumped once.

They gave me "charcoal" to drink.
Was pretty nasty.

My mom was mad at me
and she smeared some on my face.


Anyway, I just think about the guy sometimes.
Whenever I'm in that area, 
or the time of year, 
or... Right now.

Speaking of wild things that have happened...
A guy who used to live in this building...
I met him in the laundry room
and he used to invite me over for a couple of beers
here and there, to smoke and play cards.

Well, the last time I saw the guy
he was kind of like asking me for advice
about a girl he'd met.

"Just gotta wait for her to call."
Because he'd already called her.

Or something like that.

Anyway, we were smoking and playing cards.
He was getting kinda paranoid or something.

I WAS cheating at the game.
ONLY because I wanted to get out of there faster.

Something felt "off" and I didn't know what, 
but it just kinda made me want to leave, 
but I didn't want to leave "suddenly"
because he seemed kinda paranoid.

He did ask me if I was cheating and I lied.
Said I wasn't and when he checked, I hadn't. 
Because I wasn't going to do it on every turn. 
Because you gotta act like you're not.

It wasn't a serious game, but some people
really take their games very seriously.

I was just slipping a few cards here and there.

It was to just play a few hands before "I had to go."

When I was leaving, I saw the knives in a block
in the kitchen... It gave me a really weird feeling.

That woman he was asking for advice about...
He ended up cutting her throat.

That park that I found that guy who overdosed...
He dumped her there, to die. To bleed out.

She survived, but he'd cut her vocal cords. 
Probably so she couldn't scream. 

If he'd caught me cheating at cards?
And I usually and typically don't. 
Just something felt "off" that day 
and I wanted to leave
but I didn't want him to know
that I felt something "off."
So I tried to act "normal"
whatever "normal" was between him and I.

Just wild that it happened.
Literally this close to home.

There've been stuff that happened, here.
It's not as "dangerous" as other "big cities,"
when something happens, it's out of the blue, 
or mostly gang-related.

The area that I'm in, now, 
there are two neighborhoods, 
that are across the avenue from each other.

One side has one gang, the other side has a rival gang.

One of the neighborhoods
had a "firebombing."

Someone threw Molotov cocktails
through a window of a house.
Two kids were upstairs.

Mere blocks from here.

Stuff DOES happen here.

Oh! And there's a motel/hotel type of place.
Near where my first group home was.

It didn't happen when I was living there...

A female was found "chopped up" in a hockey bag.

Stuff like that is RARE here, but it has happened. 
The girl had been a figure skater.

I think about that when I'm near that place.
For some reason, I think it happened in 2010, 
but probably before that.

That one was probably one of the worst.
That I can remember, here.

O-town is a city, but it's like a town
or a huge park trying to be a city.

Compared to a city like Chicago.
Murder rates are higher, there.

Probably because there are more guns
in America, than here.

Here, there are gun licenses.
To have a gun, legally, you have to have a gun license.
Also, you need a permit to carry the gun, 
and when transporting it, 
it should be in a case with a lock on it.

The average Canadian doesn't have a gun. 

And did you get a load of JT wanting to take
guns away from law-abiding citizens
AND GIVE THEM TO THE UKRAINE?

Wtf are they going to do with hunting rifles?
You know how awkward those are to CARRY?

Anyway, supposedly he stepped down.
I don't know who's supposedly taking his place, 
at least until the election. 

I have a feeling Pierre P will get in. 
The die-hard liberals are SOOOO against him. 

And pretty sure all the ladies in my knitting group
are LIBS.

Politics were brought up a few times.
And their stances and beliefs
were that the conservatives are "evil"
and want to "take away our rights."

My step-father was saying:
When you vote, you're pretty much
voting for the lesser of two "evils."

Vote for one guy, so the other guy doesn't get "in."

No matter who gets in, they have a fkn MESS to deal with.

And all we can hope for is that they don't "make it worse."

The liberals have "ties" that go way back.
It'll be for another post, but some past PMs
have had connections with some "elites."

At least one past PM.

Anyways, there've been scandals in our government.
It'll be for another post.

The Pacific railway scandal...
They took American money
as a kind of bribe to hire an American company.
Something like that.

This was back when they built the 
Trans-Canada railway. 

The buffalo slaughtering, 
that was happening up here, too.

There used to be wild buffalo
in the plains...

I saw a buffalo farm, once. 
It was close to a farm I was staying at.

Buffalo and cows can mate.
They are called Beefalos. 

Kind of like how horses and donkeys can mate.
They are called mules, but pretty sure you know that.

But I didn't know that buffalos and cows could mate
until they told me, at that farm. 

I heard that lions and tigers can mate, 
but I don't know what the babies are called.
Kittens, but I meant the cross-breed.

I told the guy from South America 
about the Linx. 
It's a type of wild cat. 
That lives in Canada.

Pretty sure they live in the mountains.
With the mountain lions (cougars).

O-town's baseball team are the Linx.

Our football team is called
The Red Blacks.

It was called the Rough Riders.
Then, for some reason, 
they were changing the team's name
to the Tomahawks
and there was a huge uproar about it.

I don't think the new name is any better, honestly. 

But there was nothing wrong with the name:
Rough Riders.

Except "It was another rough ride for the Rough Riders."

I can't remember when the playoffs are, for hockey.
Our team hasn't won a cup in a very long time.

But! It'll be a HUGE DEAL WHEN THEY DO!

My mom has champaign for when they do.
I don't know if she still has it. I haven't asked.

There's a bar that has free champaign on NYE.
I went there, once, and someone talked me into
having a glass after I quit drinking.

I don't count that as a relapse.
It was 1 glass and it was a small glass.
And it was a "social" thing 
because everyone was doing "cheers"
to the new year.

And I didn't even want to drink it.
I don't think I drank all of it.

Anyway, that was probably the last "drink" I had.
I forget what year that was.
I think 2012 or 2013-ish.

It was before I met my ex.

Since then, I've had zero alcohol.

I found out that the college is going to suspend
over 20 programs and lay off staff.

I used to work there. 
They might be laying off cleaners, too. 

And that would be a bad idea. 

Because they took FOR GRANTED
HOW MUCH WORK
WE ACTUALLY DID
TO FKN KEEP THAT PLACE CLEAN

And no matter what WE did, 
there was always something, else.

Like the college having big events etc.

WHO HAD TO CLEAN UP AFTER THOSE?

And students just not having any respect
FOR ANYONE ELSE.

But the only real "break" we got
was during the school breaks
like summer and christmas/winter break. 

And the students didn't have classes
BUT WE STILL HAD TO BE THERE.

Because, there were other things to be done.

I never had to do it, the guys did it, 
the stripping and waxing.

They'd strip the floors, 
the old wax from the floors
and rewax the floors.

Once a year.
When the students were gone
over Christmas break.

And the rest of us had to do our own stuff.

I'm glad they replaced the chairs
in the students commons building. 

They used to have orange chairs.
Which were fine, 
BUT THEY'D GET REALLY DIRTY
FROM REGULAR USE
AND THEY'D HAVE TO BE CLEANED.

And it was as though they were
trying to punish me or something
because they literally wanted me to
scrub those chairs. All of them.
All night.

Sure, scrubbing chairs is easy.
But when there are 80+,
AND NOTHING ELSE,
It feels like "Why am I here, doing this?"

Apart from getting paid?

I kinda cheated because those big round
scrubbing pads they use for the machines, 
they have a center that pops out
so they can put those suckers onto the machines.
They were either throwing them away
or using them to scrub other stuff, 
so I used them for the chairs.

It's the type of job that, "it's a job"
but NOT WHAT I WANTED TO DO
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

Maybe I'll feel "different" after I move.
The actual "moving" part has been on my mind.

It might feel different to live in a new location. 

I haven't lived anywhere for as long
as I've lived here.

The other times I've moved
I was with someone who helped with that.

The first time I've had to ask my family to help me
AND I NEVER ASK THEM
FOR ANYTHING ANYMORE.

There isn't a point.
It's to the point that I make it known
that I need help
AND THOSE WHO WATCH ME STRUGGLE
BY MYSELF
I DON'T ASK THEM FOR F*CK ALL.

It's the very few who actually WANT to help.
AND OFFER TO HELP.

It just really bugs me seeing other people
going through the same crap I go through.

Maybe that's why I write some of the stuff
that I write on here.

Because there's no point in wasting time.

I saw something: 
If someone wastes 10 seconds of your life,
8 seconds was your fault.

Because after the first 2 seconds, 
you're letting them waste it.

My brother's going to call today, 
and he said he'd come by tomorrow.

The window people are coming tomorrow, too.
The window cracked.

It cracked inside the frame.
Either condensation got into the frame
and froze, and cracked the glass, 

which is what I think happened, 
or my brother thinks that it could be
because it's so damn hot in this building.

So hot inside and so cold outside,
but it's the inner pane that broke.

The window has double panes and it's
the inside pane that broke.

There's been condensation on the other windows
so it makes more sense in my mind, 
or the other windows would have
cracked also, they didn't.

Thankfully.

What Is It?

A week from tomorrow, I'll be getting my keys.
To my new place, and I'll be able to start moving in. 
Having an overlap of 4 days really helps. 
Just to make the MOST of those 4 days...

I switched to voip for my phone, 
but if the internet goes down
FOR ANY REASON, 
SO DOES MY PHONE.

Yeah, I get EVERYONE has a cellphone, NOW
because it's 2025 etc.

I have one, but when I try to charge it,
it just turns on and off. 

It's fooked. 

I'd like to get one of my older ones
working again. 

It was cool because it has a gps feature. 
When I was crossing the country, 
to visit my ex, 

I could just press a button or whatever
and it would ping google maps somehow
so he could literally see where I was
and he could see, in real-time
me getting closer and closer.

Most of that trip, I didn't know where I was, 
unless the bus stopped at some rest stop. 

Or stopped at a bus terminal. 

It was an 80 hour trip, one way. 
Transferred 6 times.

If I fkd up even ONE
of those transfers, 
I WOULD BE STUCK OUT THERE.

SINCE I AM HAVING A HARD TIME
EVEN GETTING HELP TO MOVE, 

WHO WOULD HAVE COME LOOKING FOR ME?
WHO WOULD HAVE HAD MY BACK
IF I GOT STRANDED?

I'd have to walk back from somewhere
LIKE SUDBURY. 

"JUST HAVE TO DO IT." FFS.

So yeah, that's not something 
that you want to fk up.

I almost got stuck in Sudbury, actually. 
I dropped my TICKET 
under my seat
as I got off the bus.

Good thing I realized, 
and the guys who were on the bus
I chilled with at the rest stops
and talked with on the bus
SAID TO ASK THE DRIVER
OF THE BUS WE GOT OFF OF
IF HE'D LET ME CHECK FOR MY TICKET.
THANKFULLY, HE DID.

It was right under my seat.
AND HE COULD HAVE DRIVEN OFF WITH IT.
AND I WOULD HAVE BEEN FOOKED.

Anyway, that phone was a good phone.
I want to get that one fixed.

I can't even download most apps because
THE PHONE IS TOO OUTDATED
TO SUPPORT THEM. 

Not that I use many apps, anyway.

It bugs me trying to use those phones. 
I'd rather use a laptop than anything. 

It is weird going out in public places
and you see like 98% of people 
ON THEIR PHONES.

It's like people on the bus, 
they can't even look out the window
or look around them. 

I had to tap a guy on the foot
to get his attention
that a lady was getting on the bus
with a stroller and to move
so she could sit at the front
and have room for her stroller & baby.

He was just zoned out
looking at his phone.

I've got a knitting meeting tomorrow. 
It'll be a "break" from "this stuff"
For a couple of hours. 

I don't know whether or not
to ask for some help
or ask for suggestions
at the very least...

But it's like: When I have...
Who's been there?

EVEN THE PEOPLE
WHO FREAKING SAID THEY WOULD.
WHERE ARE THEY?

"Just have to do it."

So I should say that to them?
When they are struggling?
But do they struggle
when all they have to do
IS REACH OUT TO SOMEONE
AND THEY GET THE HELP THEY NEED?

And THEY TAKE THAT FOR GRANTED.
Because they don't know what it's like
NOT TO HAVE PEOPLE IN YOUR CORNER.

I get that at least one of my friends is too busy
studying for his exam. 

OTHERWISE HE'D HELP.

At least he asks me how things are going. 
Tries to offer some
constructive criticism
EVEN WHEN THAT'S NOT
WHAT I WAS ASKING FOR.

But moral support
AND JUST LISTENING

Are appreciated, 
just seems that too many people
DON'T SEEM TO "GET"
WHAT I'M SAYING
OR EVEN WHY I WAS SAYING IT
OR HOW I FKN FEEL ABOUT ANYTHING.

PROBABLY HOW THEY'D FEEL. 

Not that much to "get" about THAT, you'd think. 

But it just seems that some people
WANT TO TRY TO TEST ME
SO THEY PUSH AND PUSH AND PUSH
UNTIL THEY CAN GO FK THEMSELVES.

If someone's GONE OUT OF THEIR WAY
TO FKN HELP YOU, 
DON'T PUSH THEM TO THE POINT
THAT THEY DON'T WANT TO, ANYMORE.

That should make sense, right?

BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE RIGHT
TO STOP HELPING YOU
AND NOT TO WANT TO HELP YOU
OR DO ANYTHING FOR YOU, EVER AGAIN. 

And to try to TREAT ME LIKE I DON'T HAVE THAT RIGHT?

That's what p*sses me off. 
AFTER EVERYTHING, 
I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO RETRACT
ANY OFFERS OR OPPORTUNITIES
I ONCE GAVE
AND WAS ONCE WILLING TO GIVE.

Not so hard to understand that. 
Shouldn't be.

IF I DID ANY OF THOSE THINGS, 
I couldn't and shouldn't be surprised
IF ANYONE WHO WAS HELPING ME
OR WILLING TO HELP ME
STOPPED WANTING TO HELP ME.

But was I the one doing those things?
OR DID I JUST GET BLAMED
FOR THEIR BS
BECAUSE THEY CAN'T TAKE THE BLAME
FOR THEIR BS?

It's either they "can't" or don't want to. 
EASIER TO GET MAD AT ME
FOR ME WANTING THEM TO DO THAT.

THAN TO JUST DO THAT.

Because they could have just DONE THAT.

WITHOUT ME HAVING TO SAY
ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

They don't like to hear it, from me. 

SOMEONE "BENEATH" THEM
TELLING THEM "HOW TF IT IS."

AND HOW TF IT'S GOING TO BE,
FROM HERE ON, OUT. 

Because they had their chances
TO SHOW ME THEY KNOW
HOW TO DO THAT.
JUST THAT. 

I'm not talking about riding unicycles.

I'm talking about just
TAKING THE BLAME
FOR THEIR OWN SH*T. 

AND NOT TRYING TO PUT
THAT SH*T ON ME.

WHERE IT DOESN'T BELONG. 

And they expect me to just "take that?"

Nope, MAKE A*** RESPONSIBLE
TO WHAT I THINK, DO, SAY, 
HOW I ACT, ETC

INSTEAD OF JUST WHAT?
TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT!!!!!

Because IF THEY TOOK RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT
MAYBE THEY'D THINK, SPEAK, ACT
FKN DIFFERENTLY

BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T
TRY TO USE ME AS AN EXCUSE
FOR THEIR SH*T!!!!!!!!!

If anyone HAS THE RIGHT TO BE P*SSED
IT'S ME!!!!!!!

I literally had to CLEAN UP STALE P*SS FFS.

WOULD ANYONE BE IMPRESSED WITH ME
IF THEY HAD TO CLEAN UP MY STALE P*SS?

IF I WAS TREATING THEM
LIKE THEY WASN'T LETTING ME
USE THE BATHROOM
WHEN IT WAS RIGHT ACROSS THE FKN HALL?

WHY WOULDN'T I LET
ANYONE USE THE BATHROOM?

JUST BECAUSE I'M P*SSED OFF?

A***'s p*ssed
THAT I'M TREATING HER LIKE THIS.
MAYBE I SHOULDN'T DO IT.

Does that cross their mind, though?

OR DO THEY TRY TO BLAME ME
FOR THEIR SH*T?
THE REASONS I'M EVEN P*SSED
IN THE FIRST PLACE?

OR DO THEY TRY TO ACT
LIKE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED?

WHICH IS PRETTY FKN INSULTING. 
TO SAY THE LEAST.

Oh, I shouldn't have xyz. 
Maybe I should have abc. 

BUT WHEN I'M ALREADY P*SSED ABOUT IT.

BECAUSE YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN
NOT TO XYZ. 

AND YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT
IF I DID XYZ.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T XYZ!!!!

Anyway, I've said it a billion times, by now. 
WILL SAYING IT A BILLION MORE
ACTUALLY CHANGE ANYTHING?
ABOUT ANYONE'S SH*T?

EMBARRASS THEM?
WHEN IT SHOULD BE FKN EMBARRASSING.

To be about THAT SH*T
LIKE IT'S THE 5TH FKN GRADE
ON AUTO REPEAT FFS.

But when someone slams the door
IN THEIR OWN FACE

HOW MANY TIMES
DO YOU HAVE TO LET THEM
KEEP DOING IT?

Because ONCE should be enough.

ONE choice. 
To fk it up by being a sh*thead
OR to actually grow the fk up

AND REALIZE

I HAVE THE RIGHT NOT TO WANT TO:
HAVE ANY CONVERSATIONS
THAT ALWAYS TURN INTO FIGHTS
OR ARGUMENTS
ABOUT BS.

WHEN IT COULD HAVE BEEN
AND SHOULD HAVE BEEN

A FKN CONVERSATION
BETWEEN WHO?

DOES ANYONE ELSE 
NEED TO BE INVOLVED?
OR IS IT ANY OF THEIR BUSINESS?

And when I DON'T WANT TO TALK ANYMORE
BECAUSE TALKING
WAS MADE INTO
SUCH A FKN HASSLE
THAT IT'S POINTLESS
AND A WASTE OF MY TIME

WHO DO THEY HAVE TO THANK FOR THAT?

But SOMEHOW that's MY fault.

BUT I'M A B*TCH FOR NOT PUTTING UP WITH IT?
I'M A B*TCH FOR NOT ACCEPTING OR WANTING IT?
I'M A B*TCH FOR TELLING THE TRUTH?
I'M A B*TCH BECAUSE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU
IS UP TO YOU? NOT ME?

I'M A B*TCH FOR NOT TOLERATING BS?

ARE YOU A B*TCH IF YOU DON'T TOLERATE IT,
EITHER?

IF YOU TELL THE TRUTH
WHETHER THEY WANT TO HEAR IT OR NOT

FOR NOT MAKING WHAT IS ABOUT THEM
ABOUT YOU?

But I'm a b*tch for having the right to be "LIVID"
About all kinds of fked up BS?

And "See? You're stupid! What you're saying
DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!"

WHAT KIND OF GASLIGHTING GARBAGE
IS THAT SH*T?

For two, are you fk 10 YEARS OLD?
OR SOMETHING? WTF.

And if it was coming from ME, though...
BUT IS IT? IS MY POINT.

WOULD YOU WANT TO WASTE YOUR TIME
WITH THAT SH*T? from ME?

Wasting time JUST FKN BEING ABOUT THAT SH*T.

BECAUSE THERE ARE A BILLION TIMES A BILLION
OTHER THINGS ANYONE COULD BE DOING
THAN BEING ABOUT THAT BS.

SO... WHY BE ABOUT IT?

Are they "getting something out of it"?
STROKING THEIR EGOS
BECAUSE THEY "NEED" THAT?

SOME ATTEMPT AT A "POWER GRAB"?

Naw, you don't ASSUME SH*T
AND START SH*T
OR TRY TO BE ABOUT ANY SH*T
AND EXPECT ME TO HAVE RESPECT
FOR THAT SH*T.

because there are a billion times a billion
THINGS I COULD BE DOING
THAN EVEN ENTERTAINING
ANY OF THAT SH*T.

THAT'S WHY
I DON'T DO IT ANYMORE.

And if anyone doesn't like it, 
IS THAT ANY OF MY CONCERN?

MAYBE THEY SHOULD HAVE
RETHOUGHT THEIR WHOLE STRATEGY. 

RETHOUGHT HOW THEY ACTED
WHEN THEY ASSUMED SOMETHING
THAT ISN'T TRUE. 

THE THINGS THEY DID
THEY HAD NO RIGHT TO DO. 

THE THINGS I DID, 
I WAS WITHIN MY RIGHT TO DO. 

I have a right not to have that sh*t
in my house, in my LIFE.

Why would I want that?

PEOPLE ASSUMING SH*T ABOUT ME
AND THEN THINK THEY CAN TRY TO
TREAT ME HOWEVER
AND WHEN I DO IT RIGHT BACK
THEY DON'T LIKE IT?

Should come as no surprise!
Should I be surprised? If I acted like that?

If I chose to be about that sh*t, 
SHOULD I BE SURPRISED
IF SOMEONE CHOSE
NOT TO WASTE THEIR TIME?

DO I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE MAD
IF THEY HAVE A RIGHT
TO NOT WASTE THEIR TIME?

One video I saw... A dude rejected a female
AND SHE FLIPS OUT
LIKE SHE WAS ENTITLED TO THE GUY'S 
ATTENTION OR SOMETHING.

He was making a video about it. How she acted.

She asked him if HE wanted HER number
AND HE SAID NO.

The dude HAS A RIGHT NOT TO WANT IT.

But she flipped out because the dude
DIDN'T WANT HER PHONE NUMBER.

IS THAT SUPPOSED TO
MAKE HIM WANT IT?

ACTING LIKE THAT BECAUSE HE DOESN'T?

That's how I get treated
WHEN I DON'T WANT ANYONE'S SH*T
AND HAVE A RIGHT NOT TO WANT IT.

I get treated AS THOUGH I AM SUPPOSED TO
JUST ACCEPT IT FSS.

Should I be going around
LIKE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO?
FROM ME?

OR AM I TELLING THEM?

And WHEN I SHOW IT RIGHT BACK
THEY DON'T LIKE IT!!!!!!!!

Makes them "MAD"
THAT I HAVE A RIGHT
NOT TO "LIKE" IT EITHER.

THAT I HAVE THE SAME RIGHTS
AS THEY DO.

THAT'S WHY I'M NOT DOING XYZ.
Because they have the same rights as I do.

RIGHTS THAT COULD HAVE
JUST BEEN RESPECTED
FROM THE VERY START.

BUT WERE NOT.

Because why would anyone respect MY rights? Eh?
THEY JUST EXPECT ME TO RESPECT THEIRS.

AND SEEM TO TAKE FOR GRANTED
THAT I EVEN DO THAT.

But it bothers me, to be treated
AS THOUGH I DON'T HAVE
THE SAME RIGHTS AS THEM. 

BECAUSE I FKN DO.
AND MAYBE THEY SHOULD HAVE
TREATED ME AS THOUGH I DO.

If I can show them a level OF CIVILITY
WHEN I HAVE EVERY RIGHT
TO BE "LIVID,"

I'm extending A COURTESY
THAT I DON'T EVEN OWE THEM. 

Shouldn't I be shown CIVILITY?
AND EXTENDED THE SAME COURTESY?

IN RETURN?

But JUST BECAUSE
THAT'D ONLY BE "FAIR,"
DOESN'T MEAN ANYONE
AND EVERYONE
WILL SEE WHY
BEING FAIR IS ONLY FAIR.

And being fair means acknowledging
PEOPLE'S RIGHTS
ARE THE SAME AS YOURS.

AND YOURS ARE THE SAME AS THEIRS
WHETHER THEY WANT TO ACT LIKE IT
OR NOT.

I don't like to even make these points, y'know?
BECAUSE THESE THINGS
SHOULD ALREADY BE UNDERSTOOD. 
WELL UNDERSTOOD.

AND I WOULDN'T KEEP SEEING THIS.

AND I'M ONLY SEEING THIS, 
BECAUSE?

I guess it isn't well understood?
I have to point these things out?

AND BE A "B*TCH" FOR DOING IT?
BECAUSE PEOPLE DON'T WANT ME TO?

Well, if it shouldn't be pointed out, 
it shouldn't be there
TO POINT OUT.

And maybe I shouldn't
BE SO HARSH WHEN I DO IT, 

BUT I TRY THE NICE APPROACH FIRST.
BECAUSE THAT'S ALL IT SHOULD TAKE.

JUST A CONVERSATION ABOUT IT.

But it makes people feel stupid, maybe
For having to be told. By me, especially.

Someone they say this sh*t to:
"See? You're stupid! Nothing you say makes sense."

Problem is, it makes too much sense.
AND IF IT DOESN'T, 
THAT IS THE ISSUE.

THE ISSUE THAT IS NOT MY JOB
TO CORRECT.

ESPECIALLY IF ANYONE'S TRYING TO 
"MAKE" ME "SEEM" "STUPID"
FOR "NOT" "MAKING SENSE."

And the thing is that THEY DO THAT SH*T
THINKING THAT IT'S GOING TO WORK
ON ME.

AND WHEN IT DOESN'T
BECAUSE THAT SH*T....

WTF IS THAT SH*T?

THEY GET MAD LOL.
TOO BAD LOL.

Shouldn't have tried to play me, fkr. 
That's where I'm at. 

Trying to "make" me "seem" ANYTHING.

All because he didn't want to just
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
FOR HIS OWN CHOICES.

And my choice is to not want
anything to do with certain people 
WHO TRY TO PULL THAT SH*T
THINKING IT'S GOING TO WORK ON ME.

And then HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY
LIKE I'M SOMEONE IN YOUR LIFE?

LIKE YOU NEVER STUCK A KNIFE
IN MY BACK

THINKING THAT I'D
DO THAT TO YOU?

And when you REALIZE THAT ONE FKN DAY...
YOU WILL SEE HOW MUCH TIME
ON BOTH SIDES
GOT WASTED
FOR NOTHING.

All because you wanted to choose THAT.

If THAT is all you know...
YOU SHOULD WANT TO KNOW BETTER
THAN THAT.

"All I know is how to insult A***
WHENEVER I GET MAD
BECAUSE I THINK SOMETHING
AND DON'T ASK HER.
AND DON'T LISTEN TO HER.

AND ACT STUPID
TRYING TO "MAKE" HER "SEEM" "STUPID"

AND WASTE HER TIME ON MY BS.

THAT'S ALL I KNOW HOW TO DO.

OTHERWISE, I'D MAKE IT EASY FOR HER
TO HAVE UNINTERRUPTED
CONVERSATIONS.
WITH ME.

SO I CAN COMPREHEND
WHERE TF I'M GOING WRONG.
WITH HER."

And anyone want to guess
WHY THAT KIND OF A GUY
ISN'T SOMEONE
I EVEN WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH
LET ALONE ANYTHING MORE?

It's like EXCUSE ME
FOR HAVING EXPECTATIONS 
PUT ON ME
THAT I CAN'T EXPECT OF YOU. FFS.

Because up until the point
THAT I STOPPED GIVING A FK
I DID LISTEN, I DID CARE
I DID SHOW UP, I WAS THERE.

AND IT WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL
FOR THE SAME, 
IN RETURN. 

But nobody wants to talk about why A***
might stop giving a fk. 

"Suddenly."
Because she did, didn't she?

But I'm the "b*tch"
because all I get is 
"See? You're stupid! Nothing you say makes sense"

If what I'm saying doesn't make any sense,
am I the one who's "stupid"?

Is it my job to understand it for anyone?
OR EVEN EXPLAIN IT?

Yet here I am, explaining it.

AND I SHOULDN'T FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO!!!!
AND PEOPLE WOULD FKN ACT
LIKE I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO.

LIKE I'M SUPPOSED TO ACT
LIKE THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE TO
EXPLAIN IT TO ME, RIGHT?

And if they HAD TO EXPLAIN IT TO ME, 
I WOULDN'T BE EXPLAINING IT.

But my point is: IS IT MY JOB TO DO IT?

And they should really fkn thank me for doing it
WHEN I NEVER HAD TO
LITERALLY SPELL THINGS OUT
FOR ANYONE
TO REALIZE 
SOME KEY THINGS
THAT SHOULDN'T NEED TO BE EXPLAINED.

And not only should they not need to be explained
IT SHOULDN'T BE THIS BS DAY IN / DAY OUT
WITH SOME PEOPLE
WHO SHOULD KNOW BY NOW.

And if they don't know, by now, 
THEY WEREN'T PAYING ATTENTION. 

Because WHY would I even go OUT OF MY WAY?
To explain something that should just be
THAT FKN SIMPLE?

For the attention? No!
FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO TRY TO
"MAKE" ME "SEEM" "STUPID"
TO MAYBE RETHINK
WHO THEY THINK
IS STUPID.

Okay, maybe a bit of that, 
BUT IT'S ALSO FOR EVERYONE.
WHETHER WHOEVER WHO NEEDED IT
GOT THROUGH TO THEM...

Because WTF is that sh*t?

Tea In My Sugar

Been a while since I could remember my dreams.
I had a dream about a guy who I had a huge crush on. 

He and I used to talk, but I fkd up.
And we haven't spoken in years, 
and we might not get to, again. 

Anyway, in my dream, we were on a "team"
and each member of our "team" ha stats.
A few of the girls were curious about him
so we checked his "stats."

Of course, they were "stellar."
A few times, in my dream, 
we stole glances at each other.

I definitely remember that.

I went onto facebook after a couple of weeks.
I went to message someone I'd been talking to.
It looks like he deactivated his account.

I'll miss talking to the guy. 
I'll put prayers for him in my prayer jar, still. 
Just want the guy to have a good life.

Maybe I took too long to reply?

It's just that I've been packing etc.
I haven't been on facebook for weeks.

If I am taking a break, it's blogging or youtube.
I haven't even been going outside much. 

My brother's coming over to help me next week.
So I'll have at least a bit of help. 

Still, a lot to do. 

My camera, on my phone barely works.
The phone itself barely works.

I'd like to take pictures of some stuff to sell. 
But, as luck would have it, 
I can't!

Anyway, it's been... A challenge, to say the least.

Been here for half my life... Literally.
I haven't had to move for 2 decades.

I've gotten used to this place.
Close to the beach, the river, the lake, 
the parks etc.

Close to the hospital, too. 
Closer to my folks'.
Next to a mall...

At least there'll be a grocery store, 
right around the corner from where I'm moving. 

And the grocery store is next to the old bank. 

The first time I "busked" was on the steps
of that old bank. 

I made $5 and some chocolate lol. 
A lady didn't have any money to give me
so she gave me some chocolate.

So when I'm out and have some chocolate
and there's someone "busking" I'll give them some.

There was a guy I met who was "busking."
I did get his number, but we didn't get to talk. 

I texted him a few times, he texted back, once.

It was just to have someone to talk with
who has similar interests.
He said he was new to town. 
I wanted to invite him to the open mic night.

When I move, I'll be closer to that place, 
where they have the open mic night. 

I went once, it was nice. 
It'd be even better to go with someone, though. 

Anyway, guys seem to have or get the wrong idea about me.
It's not like I wanted his number to get into his pants.
Contrary to popular belief lol. 

I am sad that I might not get to talk to that guy, again. 
Didn't think he'd leave me hanging, like that.
Maybe he thought I left him hanging. 

Just have a lot of stuff to do and get done.
Haven't really been talking with anyone.
Or doing anything other than packing etc.

It's not that I don't want to, I do, 
but I also want to have everything "sorted"
before I have to move. 

Paring down is the hardest thing, for me.
Because I want to keep everything. 

My brain's like "I have a use for this, I have a use for that."
"If I have to toss this, I'll have to get another xyz."

But I can't take everything with me.

I'll have to talk to the lady who keeps the "collective stash."
I know she has a thing for fabric and I have quite a bit of it.
I am not really an avid sewer. I have a sewing machine, 
it was my grandmother's. 

And bags and bags of wool, 
that I have to do something with. 
I don't like parting with stuff that I collect.

Books and wool, are the hardest for me.



My cousin updated his "thing" about his hike.
He is going by himself, his wife's not going with him. 

I hope his marriage stays strong
with him gone for so long.

Never met his wife, they live in another province.

Anyway, it'll be neat to hear all about it
and see pictures etc.

I'm happy for him. 

Just been so stressed that I haven't been feeling much
of anything. Sad tonight, though. 

But, like I said, just hope he has a great, happy life. 
He's a good kid, has his head and heart in the right place.
I'll miss talking with him, but life goes on. 

I miss the guy I had a huge crush on, too. 
I miss the conversations we used to have.

I guess I miss him so much that I dream about him, sometimes lol. 


Dreams I don't want to wake up from.
To face the reality that we aren't talking, anymore
and that it was because of me.

Anyway, hope he has a great, and happy life, too.
With "stellar stats" like he has, how could he not?

Another thing I found very attractive about him
is that he's humble.

Humility is attractive, to me.

Sometimes I just wish he and I
could have another conversation. 
Maybe catch up. 

I was in such a fkd mind "space"
back when he and I "met."

He's an American. 
We didn't get to meet in person. 


Anyway, I guess I miss people, sometimes. 
I try not to get in "my feels" about it.
I just have to accept that it is what it is, 
wish them the best, 
and just live my life.

Better for having met them, 
regretting that I fkd up.

BUT I DID.
Nobody to blame but myself. 
And yes, I take the blame, that is mine.

IT REALLY BUGS ME
BEING BLAMED FOR SH*T
THAT WAS SOMEONE ELSE'S CHOICE.

BECAUSE THEY HAD THE CHOICE.
IT WASN'T MY CHOICE.

So why blame me BECAUSE YOU CHOSE WRONG?

That really bugs me.
People expecting me to take responsibility
FOR THINGS THAT ARE THEIR RESPONSIBILITY.

Like mirror smasher expected me to take responsibility
for the things he left here.

BLAMED ME THAT HIS THINGS ARE EVEN STILL HERE!!!
I TOLD HIM MANY TIMES
TO JUST GET HIS SH*T AND FK OFF. 

Anyway, I already wrote about that.
Made my feelings known about that.

Pretty sure HE'D BE P*SSED TOO. 

Was mad at me for "playing games about his stuff"
WHEN HE COULD AND SHOULD HAVE
JUST TAKEN IT ALL
AND FKD OFF. 

Anyway, hopefully he won't be contacting me, again. 

I have every right to be p*ssed at the guy
AND HE WANTED TO TRY TO TREAT ME
LIKE I DON'T.


We got a lot of snow last night.
My friend said it was around 14 inches.
Just over a foot of snow.

A few friends in Michigan got hit, too. 
I think it was a "lake" effect or something. 

Back in the 70s, there was a massive blizzard. 
They called it "White Death."

The Niagara region and Buffalo NY got hit
probably the worst.

We haven't had anything that wild since, 
but it could totally happen again. 

Just like how the "city planner"
don't seem to have a "plan" for huge dumps of snow...
The buses can't handle it.

And if we had another "ice storm"?
I bet nothing changed with the "grid" since then. 
It'd be chaos all over again. 

It's been cold, for sure. 
February is always the coldest time of the year, here.
Not sure why February only has 28 days, and leap years...

Couldn't it borrow a couple of days
from months that have 31 days?

Hopefully my bro and I can get a bunch done together
when he comes by. 

Hoping to have more done, by then. 

I remember my buddy, who passed away.
I can still hear his voice.

"A***! I don't know what to do! Tell me what to do!"
It was a joke we had.

I feel like that, about this place, though.

If I hadn't started packing etc, 
when I found out, 
I'd probably be screwed. 


Imagine if I left EVERYTHING to the last minute!!!!???
I didn't want to do that.

I want to have everything "taken care of"
before moving day.

So that I can have a couple of days to relax
before "the day."

Because moving is stressful enough as it is.
WITHOUT PANIC MODE LAST MINUTE STUFF.

So each day, I've been trying to do "something."

And hopefully, my brother can help me just to
clear stuff out, maybe help me sell a few things.

And help me take a couple of things to the pawnshop. 
The jewelry I brought to him wasn't gold. 
Better to know than not to know in some cases.

Someone I met online, 
she told me that her mother did stupid things to her.

I was saying "Why would she do that?!"
And she said, "Sometimes it's better not to know."

In some cases, it's better to know
and in some other cases, it's better not to know.

I'd really like to work on my projects, but I have to wait. 
I only take small breaks from doing this stuff. 

To blog, eat, sleep, stuff like that.
Haven't been socializing, much at all. 

A few calls or messages between friends, 
but I'm just... In a "mode"
and won't be done until I am moved in. 


One friend said to me:
"You'll feel a lot better come March 1rst."

He probably will, too. 
He's writing the exam for his certification, for work. 

He wants to help, but can't. 
Because he has that important thing to do,
which I totally understand. 

He has to write an exam for work every 3 years or so. 
It's mega important for him. 

It's the thought that counts, though. 
I appreciate the fact that he would if he could. 
I also appreciate the moral support.

If I could do one big trip, it would make a difference.
And getting the keys 4 days before I move in
IS A HUGE HELP. 

So that I can start taking stuff there, by myself
before "the day."

One friend told me not to take most of my furniture.
It's not like I have much furniture, anyway.

I don't have a couch, or recliners etc.

I have a futon, 3 office chairs, book cases, 
a wall unit, dressers... Minus a mirror.

Might not take the freezer. 
Not taking the table and chairs. 

My friend said "New place, fresh start."
Just won't feel like it for a while. 

My feelings are all over the place.

But, yeah, a new chapter of my life.

I'll be closer to some things, I guess.


I heard there's going to be a new library down town. 
A new "section" of the hospital (I was born at)
is going up, across the street from it.

I don't know if they are building
a whole new hospital or just a new "section."

They are building it on the field
that there used to be a fair I took my son to when he was a kid. 
They had a fair there on Canada Day.

Anyway, it's near the arboretum. 
Which I'll be closer to, too. 

And across from the arboretum
is the campus that has the piano. 

My son and I used to go to the arboretum together. 
To see the dogs (we called it the dog park).
Lots of people take their dogs there.

My ex and I used to feed the groundhogs, there.
He hadn't seen a groundhog before he came here.
I guess there aren't any or many out west.

I'm thinking probably because they get eaten
by larger animals and there are some large animals out there.

Like cougars.


It's really hard to "relax" at all. 
I try to "relax" when I'm taking a break, 
but my mind doesn't want to let me.

Words to songs that I've been playing
while sorting, packing etc
keep playing in my head.

My neighbors are probably getting sick
of the same songs every day lol. 

I wrote one letter so far.
To one neighbor. It was hard to write it.

I've been very lucky to have a few
EXTREMELY AWESOME NEIGHBORS.

Who I'll miss, a lot. 
Hopefully, we can keep in touch. 

I feel a bit better knowing my brother is coming, soon. 
And that he'll help me out. 

We had a big fight when he was staying with me. 
And we didn't speak for a few years.

So we started talking again, a couple of years ago.
After mirror smasher busted my mirror. 
My brother got my key back from him, for me.

It was probably for the best that mirror smasher
unceremoniously ejected himself out of my life.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH BS FROM HIM
AND EVERYONE ELSE.

Everyone excluding people
WHO AREN'T ABOUT THEIR BS.

Who are mature enough
TO HAVE A CONVERSATION
AND NOT MAKE IT A HUGE FKN HASSLE. 

Anyway, I'm trying to eject that BS from my mind.
Been time to move forward, years ago.
I don't know why I didn't. 
Not like he was giving me any reasons
to stick around. 

HE SLAMMED THE DOOR IN HIS OWN FACE
REPEATEDLY. 

And wants to blame ME for HIS choices?
AND HIS ACTION?

His actions WERE A CHOICE.

Am I disappointed? HELL YEAH.
Could he have done a billion times better? Yeah. 
I could have done better, too. 

BUT AT LEAST I CAN HAVE A CONVERSATION.
A deeper conversation than just surface-level stuff. 

That's what bugs me about surface-level people.
Having a "deep" conversation
requires thought, 

AND IF THEY JUST DON'T THINK
ABOUT ANYTHING OTHER THAN
SURFACE-LEVEL STUFF, 

They can't have a "deep" conversation. 

It bugs me when I try to make myself very CLEAR,
AND IT'S LIKE THEY PURPOSELY
"MISUNDERSTAND" me.

Because HAD THEY BEEN LISTENING TO ME,
THEY WOULD HAVE KNOWN WHY
I WAS EVEN THERE TO BEGIN WITH.

Why I was even SAYING WHAT I WAS SAYING.
But, nope!

THAT REQUIRES LISTENING.
WHICH SOME PEOPLE REFUSE TO DO.

And HOW ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO THINK
ABOUT ANYTHING I SAID
IF THEY WERE ONLY LISTENING

TO THE EXTENT
TO WHAT THEY WANTED TO "REPLY" TO ONLY.

Lost is "translation."

"I WASN'T LISTENING TO YOU
SO I TRANSLATED WHAT YOU SAID
INTO WHAT I CAN "UNDERSTAND." "

It's like I live on another planet, sometimes.

One of my friends says "they are asleep."
They haven't AWOKEN, yet.

I can't "deal" with people like that.
THEY DO NOT "GET IT."

And I'd explain it to them, but when I do:
"See? You're stupid, what you said makes NO sense."

MAYBE IT WOULD MAKE SENSE
IF YOU SHUT TF UP
AND THOUGHT ABOUT IT. FFS.

But they don't know how to do that.
SO WHY WASTE MY TIME?

I WASTED TOO MUCH TIME.
ON PEOPLE WHO "DON'T GET IT."
And they won't "get it" 
BECAUSE THEY AREN'T EVEN TRYING
TO "GET IT."

HOW CAN YOU UNDERSTAND
WHEN YOU'RE NOT TRYING TO UNDERSTAND?

I mean, if you're too busy slamming the door in your own face, 
REPEATEDLY, 

I guess you don't have the time
OR CAPACITY for much else.

ANYWAY, EVERYONE WHO'S EVER
FKD ME AROUND WILL HAVE TO WATCH ME.

From A DISTANCE, LOL.

BECAUSE THEY DON'T GET THE VIP TREATMENT LOL.
Joking, but... They don't get anything from me. 

It's just most people are surface-level people.
It seems or feels rarer and rarer to meet
genuine, mature, classy, people.

I know they are "out there, somewhere."
Easier to meet people online than in person, I guess.

And I have to be more careful
about who I allow in my "energy."
Because some people
don't know how to do anything other than
drain other people.

Either they don't know how to do much else
OR THEY ARE AWARE THEY ARE DOING IT
AND DON'T SEE WHY THEY SHOULDN'T. 

But "energetically speaking."
I've had to "recharge" after being around some people.
And it sucks because they want to hang out, 
but when we did, it was like draining my "battery."
And they were all about
WHAT THEY WANTED ALL THE TIME.

AND DIDN'T STOP TO THINK
ABOUT WHAT I WANTED. 

It was like they were "the main character"
and I was like a "stage hand" or something.

"The help." Or something. 

Trying to get over my disappointment and sadness. 
Those feelings are there, anger, too. 

Not much pain, anymore.
I think it's because I've moved past
A LOT OF THINGS
THAT PRETTY MUCH TORE MY HEART OUT.

That would tear THEIR hearts out.

"Here's A***'s heart! Let's stomp on it, 
do as much damage to it, 
and to any chances of us being together, ever!"

That's part of the reason my heart's under lock and key.
The only one that needs that key, is me.

I have to... Do a lot of "repair" work. 
To even feel "ready" or have "the desire"
to be with someone, ever again. 

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN THROUGH TOO MUCH SH*T.

And guess what? It was my own damn fault.
FOR TRUSTING.
WANTING TO TRUST.
PUTTING MY TRUST
WHERE IT DIDN'T BELONG.

GIVING PEOPLE CHANCES.
AND WHEN THEY BLOW A CHANCE, 
IT SHOULD BE GONE.

JUST GONE.

Like my chance to talk to my "crush" lol. 
At least we can still steal glances at each other
in my dreams lol.

Just THAT would be a dream, to me.

Warming up, indoors, on a cold winter night...
Just the simple things, that would be the BEST.

But, what chance would I have had?
He's an American, I'm a Canadian. 
I'm supposedly "a haggard"
and he's... 

Anyway, it's nice to at least have nice thoughts.
And sweet dreams.

Maybe I've been putting too much sugar in my tea.
I accidentally put in a lot of sugar in my tea, tonight.

I heard "Want some tea with your sugar?"

There was a guy who stayed with me for a winter.
He got here, in February, that year.

2022, I think.

Anyway, he took his bike up here, 
took 1 year and a half, 
to get to Canada from Chile.

And he didn't want to tell me where he was from. 
He thought I'd be mad at him. 
Don't know why.

What difference does it make
(besides culturally)
what country someone's from?

We had a bunch of cultural differences.

Nothing that really "clashed"
but I think South Americans 
are more open "sexually" or something. 

He brought up having s*x, but I wasn't into it.
I had to decline and he kinda wanted to know why. 

Just not attracted to the guy, I guess.

When you're not attracted to someone, 
no matter how hard you could "try"
IT WOULD NOT FEEL "RIGHT". Y'know?

Try explaining that to guys who only think about s*x.

I wish I had stayed celibate after my split with my ex. 
I am celibate, now, though.
Not that it makes a difference.

Just because I haven't had s*x in a while
doesn't mean that I have to.

Besides, I'd rather save it for someone
WHO APPRECIATES ME.

Who at least tries to "understand" me
BECAUSE HE WANTS TO.

And doesn't "translate" what I say
into what he thinks I'm saying.

ASKS ME FOR CLARIFICATION
AND DOESN'T ASSUME THINGS
ABOUT ME THAT AREN'T TRUE.

AND KEEPS OTHERS
OUT OF OUR BUSINESS.

Well, there are some other things
that I find attractive, 

but I think those at the top of my "list."

But this isn't "build-a-boyfriend." LOL.

AND COMMUNICATION SKILLS
*REQUIRED*

OR YOU'RE FIRED!!!

The guy who was staying with me, 
the South American guy...

He loved the show called 
"You Can't Do That On Television."

That show actually started in O-town.
And funny thing was that he and I met
pretty much around the corner
from where it was filmed. 

Took a chance on letting him stay here, 
but it was winter
and I know what the shelters are like.

And he asked to stay for a few days, 
which turned into a few months, 

but he seemed upbeat for his trip west.
He wanted to see if he could make it to B.C.
He invited me to go with him. 

It probably would have been epic, 
but my body isn't in "the shape" I'd have to be in
to "bike" out west.

He hitched a lot, too. 

So I told him about "the highway of tears."
Mostly been women, but never know. 

Haven't heard from him in a long time.
So I hope he's been alright.

I don't hitch anymore. 
Unless I really need to.

When I used to hitch, I took my spike. 

I only used it on one guy.
I was 14 and he was a grown man
thinking I was a prostitute
trying to have s*x with me.

So I figured I'd teach him a lesson. 

I let him think that I was, 
but the whole time I was planning to rob him,
which I did.
With my spike.

I put it to his back and told him it was a gun.
And someone with a "gun" to their back
isn't going to turn around
to see if it's really a gun LOL.

Anyway, maybe that taught him something, that day.

First of all, prostitution isn't legal, here.
Secondly, I WAS 14 FREAKING YEARS OLD.

Another guy picked me up, once.
I didn't know his plan was to try to have s*x with me.

Until he drove out in the middle of nowhere
and stopped.

I booked it out of there so fast!

I had to get to the nearest house.
And it was in Quebec, so I had to muster
my RUSTY French.

To try to explain what happened
and that I was stuck and needed help.

The guy was super chill, though.
He even gave me bus fare
when he dropped me off on this side
of the river.

His wife looked at me kinda sketchy.
Of course, some stranger (female)
talking to her husband...

But I tried to explain to her
that it was okay, that I'm not
"trying anything."

Her husband probably exlained to her.
Hope she believed him. 

I just was stuck, first house, needed help.

Anyway, this is why I'm more careful
than I used to be. 

BECAUSE ALTHOUGH I WAS VERY LUCKY
SOME PEOPLE AREN'T.

Maybe that's what happened.
Maybe I used up all my luck
ON THE TIMES I WAS EXTREMELY LUCKY.

That saying came to mind:
"There's never a run of luck
that doesn't run out."

It's actually from tarot. 
The Fortune card.

It depicts "the wheel of fortune."
Not from the tv show, 
but it looks more like a "water wheel"

It has "people" on it.
It's to depict that when you think you are on the top
you can find yourself on the bottom, 

but when you're on the bottom, 
it's possible that the wheel will turn
in your favor.

Because when you're at the lowest, 
there isn't anywhere to go, but UP.

There's something that kind of ties in with that.
It's "the upward spiral."

Just like there's a downward spiral,
there's supposedly an upward spiral, too.

Makes me think of "spiral" staircases.
There's a bridge down town that has spiral
staircases. I think it's the Laurier bridge.

I used to sleep under it.
A bunch of us "stayed" there.

There was so much "backlash"
about "us" and once I was on the news.

They were filming us from a distance
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T ASK OUR CONSENT.

But we were in public so it's not like
consent really applies to filming 
and taking pictures outside.

But whenever I'm taking pictures
or filming outside

I try to respect people's privacy.

Because I would want mine to be respected.

Anyway, I was in the footage, the news footage
and I was sitting with my grandparents, eating dinner, 
watching the news and... I was on it.

And I tried to lie saying it wasn't me, 
but definitely my jacket... 

But my step-father used to follow me around.

Once, he waited until I left a friend's house
and like berated them. 

I called to talk, and they told me
not to call or visit anymore
and they told me what happened.

That's when I took off from here, 
spend like 3 and a half months hitching etc.

"Yeah? You want to follow me?
Follow me to T.O, then, 
to Guelph, Kitchener, etc.

I went to like 10 towns.
In 3 and a half months.

I did call "home" to tell them I was okay.
And only came back
because my mother told me that my grandmother
was in the hospital.

She looked so happy to see me.
I miss her so much!!!!

So it was pretty interesting. 
Met some people.

One guy I met in Toronto, 

I was "new" there, my first time there.
I saw a guy panhandling, I told him. 

Asked him if there were any shelters
that he knew of that I could stay at.

He took me to a church that has a gym, 
they set up the gym with mattresses
and they have a breakfast each day.

Was so cool, there, awesome people.

They had a "clothing cupboard"
and they gave me new socks.

Being homeless, and not much
but what you've got, socks are important.

If your feet get wet, and you have a long way to walk...
A clean, dry pair feel like heaven on your feet.

If it wasn't for the program I'm in, 
I wouldn't be able to afford this place.

That's why I am moving. 
Because I got an offer and I had to take it.

To have a place I can afford to live, for now.

I want to tell myself that it's temporary.
Says a person who's lived at one address for 20 years...

Anyway, it'll be "interesting" I guess.

I haven't lived down town since I was a kid. 

I'm just dealing with a lot of anxiety, stress, stuff.

I'll be living closer to some circuts I enjoy. 
I call them circuts. 

When I used to "jog" I had a circut.
It was just from here to the hospital and back.

But I brought my rope and I'd jump it
when I got to the hospital.

There was a little building, with a light and a camera.
So I guess the guards could see me jumping lol. 

But I think it was mostly
for my own protection because I went at night.

I haven't had many "serious incidents" here.
Except that time those two dudes were trying to snatch me
right off the side of the road lol. 

That one guy, he'd slowed the car down to look at me.
I didn't like how he was looking at me
and who does that?
So I told him to "keep driving."

And he was still watching me
in his rearview mirror.

Because the car was ahead of me, 
at the light, by the gas station. 

And I crossed the road
AND TOOK A SHORT CUT
THROUGH THE HOLE IN THE FENCE
And I was a ways away from them, 
but he must have seen me
go in that direction, 
because they cut me off at the sidewalk,
like right on the corner.

As soon as I saw that they did that, 
I crossed to the other side of the street.

AND HE TRIED TO LURE ME TO THE CAR!

I TOLD THEM TO FK OFF.
AND IF THEY DIDN'T FK OFF, 
I'D CALL THE COPS.

I should have, anyway.
BECAUSE THAT WAS MESSED UP.

WHO TF DOES THAT SH*T?!

And that happened not far from here.

Granted it was like 3am or something, 
and I look younger than I am...

MAYBE THAT'S WHY 
A LOT OF PEOPLE UNDERESTIMATE ME.

Would you rather be underestimated, 
or overestimated?

What would it be like to be overestimated?
"Well, I thought you were some sort of wizard..."

Then always under-delivering... 

Maybe if they underestimate you, 
they don't expect very much. 

And you won't have to live your whole life
trying to live up to some sort of crazy image
someone has of you...

I'll admit there were times 
I really thought I knew a person. 
AND THEY WEREN'T WHO I THOUGHT THEY WERE.

Maybe I overestimated them. 
"I am underwhelmed!"

I don't know why that came to mind, but it did.

I have to see about getting some stuff out of here, soon. 
I hope we don't get hit with another dump of snow.

That's part of the reason I didn't go out, today.
It was a mess on the roads, like usual. 

Some countries have cool roads
that heat up.

Japan has a village that has a sprinkler system. 
Any fires don't stand a chance.

That's what they need in California.

It's a huge sprinkler, though.
Not the regular garden sprinlers, 

these are more like jets of water, 
but they rotate.

When JT was doing his speech "to Americans"
about the times Canada's "been there" for America...

One example was that we flew water bombers to California
to help with the fires. 

Another example was when all the planes landed
in Newfoundland during 9/11.

And how Canadians were being hospitable
to American travellers etc.

BUT THAT'S "THE CANADIAN WAY."
TO HELP OUT. WHERE POSSIBLE.

Anyway, there are times that Canada HAS
helped out America.

Canada's borders have been an issue for decades.
AND IT IS DEFINITELY PAST THE TIME
TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

And some people come TO Canada
TO enter the USA illegally. 

And some of them have been terr0rists.

LOOK AT THE PRO PALESTINE RALLIES.
Who'd be IN Canada saying death TO Canada?

Who doesn't want their @sses beat.

BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM?
DID THEY GET THEIR BANK ACCOUNTS FROZEN?
BY THE GOVERNMENT?

LIKE THE TRUCKER RALLY?

WERE THE TRUCKERS SAYING:
DEATH TO CANADA?


Anyway, THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN 
BOOTED IN THE @RSE
AND SENT PACKING PRONTO.

Where are the old school TREASON LAWS?
A lot of countries still have them. 

What would happen if we went to THEIR country
AND SAID DEATH TO
IMVDGSGFJYIUYJKGDRWTJHG-ISTAN?
Or wherever tf?

THEY WOULD DO SOMETING ABOUT IT.
HERE, WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.

OR ANYTHING THAT SAYS F*CK TRUDEAU
WOULD BE CONSIDERED TREASONOUS.
PROBABLY.

And we wouldn't be "allowed" to "rally."


I should probably get ready to sleep or something.
I don't really want to. I feel kinda "wired."

Must be all the tea in my sugar lol.