The Other One

For a long time, I didn't watch anything related to politics.
Watching the House of Commons (HOC) p*ssed me off.

One reason is they don't answer a question with YES OR NO.
AND THAT'S ALL THEY HAVE TO SAY.

Lately, it's been "the other R****."
A guy, who is a cabinet minister,
FALSELY CLAIMED THAT HE WAS INDIGENOUS
TO CLAIM FUNDING FROM THE GOVERNMENT
THAT WAS ONLY SET ASIDE
FOR INDIGENOUS COMPANIES.

People are P*SSED THAT HE EVEN DID IT.
AND THAT HE HASN'T RESIGNED, YET.

AND THE LIBS AREN'T DOING ANYTHING.

WHILE JT'S IN BRAZIL FFS.

But the Libs are saying things about the Consers
THAT AREN'T EVEN TRUE.

The Convers want the Libs to produce documents
UNREDACTED DOCUMENTS
TO THE RCMP
SO THAT THE LIBS CAN BE INVESTIGATED
FOR THEIR SCANDAL.

And the Libs aren't doing that.
AND ARE MAKING EXCUSES NOT TO DO THAT.
AND IF THEY JUST DID THAT, 
THE GOVERNMENT
CAN JUST GO BACK TO WORK.

If a Conservative Minister did that, 
IT'D BE A SCANDAL.
SO HOW ISN'T IT WHEN A LIB MINISTER DOES IT?

The Minister in charge of Native issues
WON'T EVEN ANSWER YES OR NO
ON WHETHER SHE WOULD CALL IT FRAUD FFS.

The libs won't just answer YES or NO.
If they say YES, and DON'T FOLLOW THROUGH
THEY LOOK LIKE LIARS.

If they say NO
THEY HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHY NOT.

Which also puts them in the "hot seat."
So either way they are screwed.
And I think this is why they don't just answer YES or NO.

Anyway, the government has been stuck
being limited to what they can do
BECAUSE THEY WON'T HAND OVER
UNREDACTED DOCUMENTS TO THE RCMP.

Calling the RCMP a third-party.
INSTEAD OF RECOGNIZING THAT THEY
SHOULD BE INVESTIGATED.

BECAUSE THEY ARE HIDING MORE THAN
JUST "THE OTHER R****."
OR WHERE THE 40 MILLION DOLLARS WENT...

AND EVEN COMPROMISED MPS
TIED TO FOREIGN INTERFERENCE.

We aren't to know who they are, I guess.

So we could be potentially voting for them
WITHOUT KNOWING IF THEY ARE COMPROMISED.

IT'S A WHOLE LOT OF BS.
AND THEY KNOW THIS.
BUT NOBODY, INCLUDING JT, WILL RESIGN.

BECAUSE IF THEY DO, 
WILL THEY GET THEIR PENSION?

And that's why they are holding off an election
for as long as they can.

For obvious reasons, people are P*SSED OFF.
and they know WHY.

SAME REASON THEY WOULD BE P*SSED OFF.

And I just found out that the guy I was trying to help
TO GET CLEAN...
WENT BACK TO DOING DRUGS.

It's either YES I'm getting clean
Or NO I'm not.

So he would have stopped AGAIN two months ago.

And people are saying "addictions's a disease."
AS A FORMER ADDICT, IT'S A CHOICE.

DID THEY HAVE TO START DOING DRUGS IN THE FIRST PLACE?
DID THEY HAVE TO EVEN BE AROUND ANYONE WHO DOES?
AND EVEN IF THEY WERE AROUND PEOPLE WHO DO IT, 
DOESN'T MEAN THEY EVEN HAD TO START.

THEY CHOSE ADDICTION.
JUST LIKE THEY CAN CHOOSE RECOVERY.
AND SOBRIETY.

But he'll just tell everyone that I kicked him out
WHILE HE WAS "TRYING" TO GET CLEAN...

IF HE WAS TRYING TO GET CLEAN, 
HE WOULDN'T HAVE BROUGHT A FIST FULL OF RIGS.
ESPECIALLY AFTER I TOLD HIM
NOT TO BRING ANY DRUG SH*T INTO MY PLACE.

Ignored me when I was TRYING TO DO FOR HIM
WHAT HIS SO-CALLED "FRIENDS" WEREN'T DOING.

BUT WHEN YOU STOP HELPING SOMEONE
WHO CLEARLY WASN'T HELPING HIMSELF
YOU ARE SUPPOSEDLY THE SO-CALLED "FRIEND"
WHY? BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE USED
WHILE YOU SAY YOU'RE GETTING CLEAN
BUT EVIDENCE POINTS TO THE FACT
THAT YOU WEREN'T?

JUST USING ME FOR A PLACE TO STAY
AND FOR WHATEVER I WAS WILLING TO DO
FOR YOU AS A "FRIEND" ?

And when I told him THAT I HOPE HE STAYED CLEAN
AFTER BEING HERE.
HE TRIED TO MAKE IT INTO
SOMETHING IT WASN'T.

AS THOUGH I WAS SAYING IT SARCASTICALLY.
NOT SINCERELY.

But doesn't matter what I say, apparently.

Someone was saying that if you try to help someone
DO SOMETHING THAT THEY SHOULD BE DOING
FOR THEMSELVES, 
IT'S SUPPOSEDLY DISEMPOWERING. 

So if he has to FIGHT HIS OWN SELF-RESTRAINT,
ALL ON HIS OWN, 
THAT'S WHAT HE NEEDS TO DO.

Because obviously he couldn't see
WHY I EVEN TRIED HELPING HIM. 

Why would anyone?

Someone helped me.
That's part of the reason I do it.

And then there are people
WHO WILL NEVER BE HAPPY
WITH ANYTHING YOU DO FOR THEM.

FOR THEM.

But let him go back to it a billion times
UNTIL HE REALIZES THAT I WAS EVEN IN HIS CORNER.
AT ALL, LET ALONE HELPING HIM.

But if you help someone, too much.
THEY'LL TRY TO GUILT YOU
INTO THINKING YOU ARE OBLIGATED TO HELP THEM.
EVEN WHEN THEY PLAY IN YOUR FACE
AND CONSTANTLY INSULT YOU.

But then come to me
AS THOUGH THEY KNOW
I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO EVEN WOULD
BECAUSE I ACTUALLY CARED.

BUT PUSH SOMEONE AWAY WHO CARES...
UNTIL THEY DON'T CARE ANYMORE...
JUST TO SAY THEY NEVER DID...
OR THEY'D JUST PUT UP WITH IT, RIGHT?

FORGIVE A BILLION TIMES?

But no, paint me as someone who never cared...
As someone who was only helping them
TO GET SOMETHING FROM THEM.

WTF DID I WANT FROM HIM?

THINGS I SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO ASK FOR?
Like enough respect for them to NOT play in my face?

Not to figuratively, or otherwise, SLAP ME IN THE FACE?

Because doing things and saying things
THAT YOU KNOW ARE INEXCUSABLE...

THEN TRY TO PLAY THE VICTIM?
INSTEAD OF TELLING EVERYONE:
I TREATED A*** LIKE SHIT
TO THE POINT SHE FELT LIKE SHE WAS WASTING HER TIME.
AND I WAS WASTING HER TIME.
BECAUSE I NEVER GAVE HER THE RESPECT SHE DESERVED.
FOR EVEN CARING ENOUGH ABOUT ME
TO EVEN WANT TO HELP ME
LET ALONE WANT ME IN HER LIFE...

But no, I'm just a b*tch who kicked him out
FOR 'NO REASON.'

AND I WAS THE 'REASON' HE WENT BACK TO DRUGS.
BECAUSE WHY NOT BLAME EVERYTHING ON ME.
ALL YOUR CHOICES ON ME.

The reason couldn't possibly be BECAUSE HE MADE A CHOICE.
It's too convenient for him and everyone else
TO BLAME ME FOR THEIR OWN F*CKING CHOICES.

And it's to the point that if they'd rather choose THAT
and then blaming me for CHOOSING THAT...

Just to blame someone else, other than themselves...

At THAT point, WHY F*CKING BOTHER?
TO KEEP GETTING THE BLAME
FOR THEIR CHOICES?

As a former alcoholic, I WAS CHOOSING TO DRINK.
I WAS CHOOSING ALL KINDS OF BS
AND I CHOSE TO BLAME IT ALL ON EVERYONE ELSE.
BECAUSE HOW COULD IT BE MY FAULT?
FOR THE POSITION I "FOUND" MYSELF IN?

Like whoops! I accidentally fell into the deep, dark pit
CALLED ALCOHOLISM.

IT WASN'T JUST ME CHOOSING TO DRINK, RIGHT?
Wasn't just ME choosing to blame MY issues on everyone, right?

Like I was somehow exempt from any type of way
I WAS BEING TOWARD ANYONE, RIGHT?

WRONG.

Because why not make it about A***.
Why not just dump my issues onto her
AND TELL HER SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO LIKE IT.

He literally told me to go back to drinking

AND WHEN I TOLD HIM THAT I HOPED HE STAYED CLEAN
HE TRIES TO TURN IT INTO ME MAKING A JOKE OF IT.

THE JOKE IS HIS LACK OF SELF-RESTRAINT.
AND SELF-RESPECT.

And someone else told me:
"How can they respect YOU when they can't respect THEMSELVES?"

Shouldn't be HARD not to play in someone's face
WHEN THEY TOOK YOU INTO THEIR HOME
TO HELP YOU GET CLEAN.

I feel like he lied to me and used me.
THEN GO AROUND TELLING PEOPLE
THAT I WAS THE PROBLEM.

NO, SOMETIMES THE PERSON
WHO CAN'T RESPECT THEMSELVES
OR ANYONE (WHO MEANS THEM WELL)
IS THE PROBLEM.

MAYBE THE DISRESPECT IS THE ISSUE.

But to tell everyone
THAT HE DISRESPECTED ME?

WHY NOT TWIST IT?
SO THAT HE DOESN'T HAVE TO TELL ANYONE THAT?

If the truth makes HIM look bad, why tell anyone?
Because he'd lose friends?
He'd lose respect?

But no, don't tell anyone any of that...
Save his own @ss.

And the same people I tried to help...
THEY CAN'T COME RIGHT BACK TO ME
ANY TIME THEY FEEL LIKE IT...

If they want to make it seem they'd be better off, 
BY ALL MEANS.

BUT BEFORE YOU BURN A BRIDGE WITH ME
YOU BETTER MAKE SURE
YOU DON'T NEED MY HELP FOR ANYTHING ELSE, EVER.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have treated you like that"
ISN'T HOLDING ANY WEIGHT
BECAUSE THEY ALREADY KNEW
THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE, BUT CHOSE TO.

AND THEN CHOSE TO BLAME ME
FOR CHOOSING TO DO IT.

It's the excuse: "You "made" me do it."
DID ANYONE MAKE ME DRINK?
OR DID I DRINK BECAUSE I WANTED TO?

Did I "make" anyone disrespect me?
Or did they CHOOSE TO?

Did I "make" anyone give me a sh*t ton of excuses
FOR F*CKING EVERYTHING THEY EVER
CHOSE TO DO TO ME?

OR DID THEY CHOOSE TO?
BECAUSE THEY COULD HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO.

But it's like they WANT me to feel like the EFFORT
It would have taken TO RESPECT ME
WAS SOMETHING I DIDN'T DESERVE.

EVEN THOUGH WHAT I WAS DOING
WAS FOR THEM.

THE OPPORTUNITY I GAVE
THAT THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO WASTE
LET ALONE TRY TO THROW IN MY FACE...

But reminding them I WAS F*CKING THERE FOR THEM
EVERY F*CKING DAY
IS ME SUPPOSEDLY THROWING IT IN THEIR FACE
THAT I WAS...

But WHY was I? Will they ever acknowledge WHY? EVER?

Why acknowledge WHY?
Because they'd have to acknowledge other things, too?
That they were wrong about me
and "made" me seem to EVERYONE
THAT I'M SOMETHING I'M NOT?

Why tell anyone WHY I was ever there FOR them?
Why tell anyone WHY I'm NOT there FOR them, now?

Would it "make" them seem a type of way?
FOR CHOOSING WHAT THEY CHOSE?

I "made" myself seem a type of way
FOR CHOOSING WHAT I CHOSE.

EVEN THE TIMES MY CHOICES
EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE THE RIGHT THINGS
FOR THE RIGHT REASONS...
WHICH NOBODY WILL ADMIT... EVER...

EVEN THOSE TIMES...
PEOPLE WHO CHOSE TO "MAKE" IT
INTO SOMETHING IT NEVER WAS...

TO "MAKE" ME LOOK A TYPE OF WAY.
And they chose to do THAT.

Did they HAVE TO do that?
Or did they choose to do that?

Did I HAVE TO drink?
Did I HAVE TO BE ABOUT MY BS EXCUSES TO DRINK?
EXCUSES I GAVE MYSELF TO DRINK
INSTEAD OF ADMITTING THAT I WAS CHOOSING TO DRINK
BECAUSE I WANTED TO?

Guess what? I choose not to drink anymore
WHY? Because it was always A CHOICE.
THAT WAS ALWAYS UP TO ME.

Same with the other choices...
Like blaming everything and everyone
FOR CHOOSING WHAT I CHOSE.

It's like saying: "This is my choice.
I could choose not to treat you like sh*t,
AND THEN NOT TREAT YOU LIKE SH*T
INSTEAD OF BLAMING YOU
FOR MY CHOICE
TO TREAT YOU LIKE SH*T"

Which would be mature, right?
RECOGNIZING IT WAS THEIR CHOICE
THIS WHOLE TIME?

It was MY choice to drink.
It was MY choice to keep getting drunk.
It was MY choice to be so immature
AS TO NOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
FOR MY CHOICES.
AND THE CIRCUMSTANCES
THAT I PUT MYSELF IN
BY CHOOSING WHAT I CHOSE.

But when I walk out of anyone's life
FOR NOT TREATING ME PROPERLY
AND WANTING ME TO JUST KEEP
OVERLOOKING THAT
JUST TO BE THERE FOR THEM
WHENEVER THEY WANT TO USE ME...

Then, I'm the sh*tty person, to THEM.

A***'s not letting me USE HER anymore.
She's being a sh*tty "friend."

BUT NEVER SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT THE TIMES THAT I WAS
OR WHAT I WAS EXPECTED TO PUT UP WITH...

TO BE CONSIDERED "A FRIEND."

Who needs friends like that?

I'd rather NOT be "friends" with anyone
WHO WOULD RATHER KEEP
EVERYTHING GOOD I DID
FOR THE BEST OF REASONS
TO THEMSELVES

BUT SMEAR MY NAME TO EVERYONE
AS THOUGH I MEANT NOTHING ALL ALONG.

On Top Of It

There's a saying that goes:
Don't interrupt your enemy when they're making a mistake.

As for enemies, I don't have many.
Not out there actively making any.

I'm not like those GOING OUT OF MY WAY
TO DO SH*T THAT'S BEEN DONE TO ME.

There's consequences for that.
Even when you think there's not.
Universe sees it all.

AND THE REASONS BEHIND IT.

But yeah, the stalking and sh*t...
ALL of that energy coming at me
GOES WHERE?
RIGHT BACK TO THEM.

SO WHERE WOULD THAT ENERGY GO
IF I WAS PUTTING IT OUT?
RIGHT BACK TO ME.

Not hard to figure it out.
Only has to blow up in your face ONCE.
JUST F*CKING ONCE
IN THE MOST HONEST, TRUEST WAY.

FOR ANYONE TO SEE IT.
THAT IT WASN'T A GAME.

THAT CERTAIN LINES
SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN CROSSED.

The universe sees those lines.
Those very fine lines.

Sees who crosses them and why.
Pays close attention to why.

Because of cause and effect.
If YOU are the cause, you'll be affected.

Because that's how it works.

Nobody is exempt from the effects
of their own BS.

No matter how they want to try to spin
the narrative.
No matter how they want to try to LIE
ABOUT THE FACTS.

OR DENY ANY RESPONSIBILITY
FOR THEIR OWN SH*T.

Universe sees the projections
and reflects those back.
Kind of like a mirror.

But DON'T COME BACK TO ME
WHEN ANYONE REALIZES SOMETHING
ABOUT ME THEY COULD HAVE REALIZED
A REALLY LONG TIME AGO.

Because I gave the TIME AND OPPORTUNITY
TO DO THAT. HAD THEY WANTED TO.

But all they had to do was understand
why they were literally stalking and spying etc.

BECAUSE SOMEONE DIDN'T WANT THINGS
TO BE FAIR FOR ME.

But the only one who is going to, is me.
Why count on anyone being fair? To me?
EVEN WHEN I WAS BEING MORE THAN FAIR.

I just won't go out of my way to prove myself to anyone.
WHERE DID THAT EVER GET ME?
DID IT GET ME RESPECT?
DID IT GET ME ANYTHING?

Only thing it got me was to a point where I don't know
WHY I EVEN F*CKING BOTHERED
HELPING ANYONE 
WHO WOULD TURN AROUND
AND GO OUT OF THEIR WAY...

Because it was in me to GIVE?
What? My heart? My time?
Patience, chances, opportunities etc.

WAY MORE THAN I EVER NEEDED TO GIVE?

But it WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE THAN GOOD ENOUGH
FOR THE RIGHT PERSON, CORRECT?

And hopefully they'd see and know
WHERE IT WAS EVEN COMING FROM....

AND ACTUALLY APPRECIATE IT.
FOR WHAT IT IS.

BUT SHOULD I BE HOLDING MY BREATH
FOR ANYTHING THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED
TO HAPPEN?

And why would anyone want people to see it
FOR WHAT IT IS?

But do I have the time for that kind of sh*t?
Would you waste your time on that sh*t?
For that sh*t? Let alone more of it?
Probably not.

They can watch me, if they're going to do it anyway...
Because they wanted to try to force how people look at me...
Why would they want someone to see me
in a way that would take anything "away" from them?

I'm not even trying to be all like "this is who I am."
If they can't see it, should I shove it in their face?

Seems people don't like things shoved in their face.
EVEN THE TRUTH.
EVEN THE FACTS.

ESPECIALLY IF THEY DON'T WANT TO FACE IT.
WHY WOULD THEY WANT TO?

But they don't like it when they can't control me
OR WHAT I THINK OF MYSELF.

It doesn't matter how much they try to convince anyone
OF ANYTHING OTHERWISE.

The truth's still the truth.
And it doesn't stop being the truth
just because someone wants it to.

This is why I don't get jealous.
I used to, when I thought I was missing out.

I can understand FOMO, but I'm not missing out
ON BULLSH*T.

Even in a friendship, not worth it.
BUT DEFINITELY NOT IN A PARTNERSHIP.

And IF I was looking for anything, that'd be it.
A PARTNERSHIP.
IN BUSINESS AND OTHERWISE.

But if you f*ck up, makes it hard to
NEGOTIATE WITH ME.

LIKE YOU COULD HAVE, HAD YOU NOT.

And that's what needs to be understood about me.
I get it, not everyone will want you to be
in a position to negotiate with me.

And if you took that into consideration, 
I wouldn't seem so 'crazy' after all...

Was a gamble they took.
A risk they took.

Risked any negotiating power, with me.
By letting someone try to keep me out.
By letting someone try to block me.

They let someone block them by blocking me.
With lies lol. 

And all they had to do was talk about that. All of that.

But I'm allowed to be happy OUTSIDE ALL OF THAT.
BECAUSE IT SHOULDN'T HAVE MATTERED
AS MUCH AS IT APPARENTLY DID.

BECAUSE IF IT DIDN'T,
THIS WOULDN'T HAVE GONE THIS FAR.

I'D JUST HAVE BEEN ALLOWED
TO JUST BE APPRECIATED
FOR WHAT I DO HAVE TO OFFER, 
BUT FOR WHO I AM.

TO BE CARED ABOUT.
RESPECTED.
APPRECIATED.

Anyway, harder with all kinds of BS.

But when the TRUTH comes out, 
don't bother coming to me to say SORRY to me
WHEN YOU COULD HAVE TALKED TO ME.
ABOUT EVERYTHING BEING SAID ABOUT ME.

TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT.

The only ones who would do that sh*t
WERE THE ONES WHO STOOD TO LOSE.
IF I GAINED.
BY MY OWN MERIT.
BY MY OWN CHARACTER.

THAT'S WHY THEY WANTED TO TRY
TO CUT ME DOWN TO EVERYONE.

TO TRY TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE
SOMETHING I NEVER WAS.

But by doing that, they show who they are.
Says nothing about me, at all.

That's high school sh*t. It really is.
Mostly females doing it to other females
INSTEAD OF STEPPING ASIDE.

TOO MUCH EGO TO JUST STEP ASIDE, 
AND NOT GO AFTER ANYONE
WHO'S JUST LETTING YOU
IMPLODE... 

BECAUSE COMING AT ME
is like imploding or why bother?

For an ego trip?
People who go on ego trips
TEND TO TRIP OVER THEIR EGO.

THEN THEY HAVE TO PICK THEMSELVES UP
OFF THEIR FACES.

Because when the truth comes out, 
they will try to 'save face,'
BUT THEY WON'T BE ABLE TO.

I DON'T HAVE TO SHAME ANYONE,
THEY SHAME THEMSELVES
BY TRYING TO SHAME ME

FOR WHAT?
BEING SOMEONE I'M NOT?

But I am not wasting any more TIME
TO TRY TO EXPLAIN ANY OF THIS
TO ANYONE WHO REFUSES THE FACTS,
THE TRUTH ABOUT THE FACTS,
THE TRUTH ABOUT ME...

But when someone doesn't want someone to
NEGOTIATE WITH ME, 
THEY'LL GO OUT OF THEIR WAY
TO TRY TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.

And when they can't SEE THAT,
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL THEM?
ANYTHING I HAVEN'T ALREADY TOLD THEM?
MORE THAN ONCE?

But I guess it would have to take
them seeing much more than just that.

MUCH more than just that...

Now that THAT isn't my problem, anymore...
And I have all of my things going on, 

WHY SHOULD IT MATTER NOW?
It doesn't in the way that it used to.

All I'm saying is that the facts are still facts.
About me, about what happened, and why.
About all of it and facts don't stop being facts
just because anyone wants them to.

Do I have reasons to be ANGRY? Yeah?
AND IF I WERE TO IMPULSIVELY
AND OBSESSIVELY ACT OUT
ALL THAT ANGER...

I WOULD BE THE "CRAZY" ONE.
Instead of what? Taking the high road?
Instead of not being "involved" in their sh*t?

People can literally play themselves
RIGHT OUT OF SOMETHING GOOD.

SOMETHING THAT WAS RIGHT THERE.
THE WHOLE TIME.


But that was the opportunity.
And someone let someone manipulate them
OUT OF THE OPPORTUNITY.

DO I HAVE TO GIVE THE SAME OPPORTUNITY TWICE?
DO YOU?

NO, WE DON'T.
But to try to control me with threats? 

Reminds me of the part of the movie
where Kevin Costner was explaining
the difference between a threat and a promise.

Would they have threatened me if I wasn't a threat?
If I wasn't on their 'radar'?

WAS I THE ONE STALKING AND THREATENING?
Sure, I called a lot of sh*t out.
But if there was nothing to have an issue with, 
there wouldn't be anything to call out.

THEY WOULD HAVE ISSUES WITH ME
IF I WAS THE ONE DOING THAT SH*T.
WHO WOULDN'T?

Yet what am I doing?
LETTING IT BACKFIRE
AND BLOW UP IN THEIR FACE.
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS
IN CASES LIKE THESE.

And I don't enjoy it when it happens.
I take some pleasure (if you can even call it that)
that sometimes the PERSON who was innocent
THE WHOLE DAMN TIME
GETS TO WIN SOMEHOW, 
IN THE END.

By winning, I'm writing my own story.
My "success story"
where I right the wrongs 
SINCE I AM NOT COUNTING
ON ANYONE TO DO IT FOR ME.
OR BECAUSE OF ME.

OR REMEMBERING ANYTHING ABOUT ME.
BECAUSE IF THEY DID
NOTHING ANYONE WOULD SAY ABOUT ME
WOULD STICK,
BECAUSE THEY'D REALIZE
THAT NOBODY KNOWS ME.

Since nobody knows me, 
how can they say anything about me?

Wouldn't the smart thing be
to realize and recognize that?

The reason for any of that?

But really, SHOULDN'T ADULTS BE MATURE
ENOUGH NOT TO DO THAT SH*T?

ADULTS!

And at the end of it, that's not what I even WANT.
Someone who can't see that sh*t?
NOT EVEN WHEN I'M TELLING THEM?
Literally refusing to see it, though.
Is that attractive? At all?
Or is that seen as a waste of time?

It'd be like if my ex contacted him
to threaten him because he felt threatened.
AND WENT OUT OF HIS WAY
TO DO ALL THE BS THINGS
THAT SHE DID TO ME.
TO HIM.

How would he look at THAT? AT ME?
For allowing that sh*t?
Even excusing it?
To "justify" that sh*t?

AND REFUSING NOT TO.

BUT THEN SHOULD I GASLIT THEM ABOUT IT?
ON TOP OF IT?

Tell me how that sounds like a dream come true?

Granny Squares

I just got back from a knitting meeting, today.
It's always nice to see what others have made to donate
and are working on...

I told them I don't mind joining squares
so they gave me a bag of squares to join. 
Beige, brown, and orange.
They look like they were made in the 70s
and were just stashed in someone's basement
for decades lol.

Someone donated a huge stash.
I guess the stash was her mother's stash.
The squares must have been from that stash.
Lots of unfinished sweaters with the needles still in.
And they are pinned together.

The squares they gave me came with a hook.
And extra yarn. Probably to make more squares with,
but I'm just using it to join the squares together.

It's one of those "lap" projects.
Because you can just put it on your lap to work on it.

One thing I love about the group is that they provide snacks.
Fill up on snacks and won't be hungry again
until the evening.

I have soup left and some noodles.
If anything, I can just get more sauce when I need it.
Otherwise, I should be good for a few days at least.

I don't like grocery shopping.
So when I go grocery shopping, 
I'll pick up a ting or a tiger malt.

I like the pink ting, it's grapefruit.
I haven't tried the green ting, yet.
I suspect that it's also citrus.

The tiger malt is sweet.
It has a caramel type of taste to it.

I think that Tiger tail ice cream is only in Canada.
It's an orange flavor with "stripes" of black licorice.

The Tiger malt is a non-alcoholic beer.
It has a unique taste. It's from Barbados.
It's imported here and distributed by a Canadian company.

It's sold by the bottle and it's 87 cents.
So getting just one won't break the bank.

Tiger malt won a gold medal, actually.
I find it pretty sweet so just one is 'enough.'

Tings are just under $2. 
Just under $2.50 per bottle.

I really enjoy it, but switch it up.

I haven't gone back to that pub since I last went.
They have chicken wings and I've been a few times.

Speaking of sweet, the lady who hosted today, 
she baked dozens of cookies and other stuff.
She also had crackers and cheese.

Of course, there's tea, too.

So that's been my day, so far.
Other than that, I need to fix the posts
on my other blog because I've been re-doing some images...
The featured images that go above the posts...

I like WordPress for some things, 
but other things are kinda annoying.

I had a good start on my blog page for that site.
But when I went to look at it, 
the posts weren't showing up, at all.

So I'm trying a post grid plugin. 
It uses shortcode.
So when I make any changes to the template
or the grid (or whatever it's called)
the changes update automagicallly.

So that's something... And can filter by category.
I still have to clean up, a lot of stuff.
Because I started doing stuff with it a few years ago.
And now, well, it's slowly getting done.

Hard to believe I've written over 4k posts on here.
That's over the span of 20 years, though.

20 years of ruminating on stuff.
I probably wasted over a third of that time.
Just in ruminating...

I think the last bout of ruminating...
Reflecting back on how much of it I actually did...
Instead of just walking away
AND NOT GIVING A BILLION CHANCES...

A BILLION CHANCES
FOR SOMEONE TO GIVE ME JUST ONE?

TF I NEED TO BE DOING THAT FOR?

I read a post in one of my groups on FB.
Not MY group, just one I'm in...

A woman was asking for advice about a guy
who kept breaking up with her for other women
and he'd come back to her, wanting another chance...

AND THEN DO IT AGAIN.
MORE THAN TWICE.

And everyone said, in the comments, 
that it was clear that the guy was just using her.

And she had written in her post that he'd tell her
that he'd sleep over at his friend's place
and forget his phone in the car etc.

So people were telling her that it seems he's been cheating.

Thing with me is that most of my friends are male.
They are platonic friendships.

Mostly, I tend to get along better with males.
I feel weird being around other females.

At the knitting group, it's okay
because all we're doing is just knitting
and talk about knitting and crochet.

The other ladies talk about their trips.
One lady went to Finland.

There are two countries I'd like to see, one day.
Finland and Scotland.
Maybe England, too.

Could I ever be as lucky to get to go to all 3?

I am lucky to have been able to go to Niagara Falls.
Fall is the perfect time of year for Niagara Falls.

I went in th winter, once, and it was my birthday.

My son and I were going to go celebrate our birthdays.
Together, in Niagara Falls... 
The bus crashed on the way there.
We were catapulted up the aisle toward the front, 
made it almost half way up.

Our seat actually came apart.
Everyone else was okay.
Because theirs didn't...

My back hit an armrest thing.
It was so f*cking painful to be able to just sit.

Anyway, that was the last time we tried to go.
And my son said he hates traveling, anyway.

Maybe I'll get to go, again, some time.
It's kinda sad, though, 
because the tourists mostly stay close to Clifton Hill.
That's the district that has museums, restaurants, etc
on both sides of the street.

When I took my son, I told him to pick 4 or 5 things he wants to do.
Because it's easy to overspend there and I only had saved so much.

But it was nice, to be there, together.
A few times he seemed disappointed
that we didn't get to do everything. 

We got to go to a nice sushi place near the motel.
That's the day that 217 started.
Because after we were given room 217, 
it followed me everywhere.

Even to McD's.
Those order numbers...
I got 217 TWICE. What are the odds of that?
Once, let alone twice...

That room had a strange chem smell.
Like it had to have been cleaned with something...
Well, of course it was cleaned...
Just that it was a different smell that came with it.
Hard to explain it.

So it made me wonder if someone had died in it.

I remember this one video I saw...
A woman had stripped naked and went right over the falls.
She did it on purpose.

A lot of su!c!des in the falls...

Definitely something different about that place.

Well, I was saying that it's sad that the tourists
stay just close to the water falls and stuff
because the rest of the 'city' looks abandoned.
With places boarded up etc.

The government giving millions away to useless studies...
And can't take care of our own backyard...

Another thing I noticed was the population of stray cats.

I stayed at the hostel when I went by myself.
Ended up playing some pool with a guy from France
on my birthday that year.

So the casinos and the big chain restaurants
seem to be the only ones profiting from the tourism.

Maybe they should consider investing in Niagara Falls.
Since it's already a tourist destination...

So is this city, but take one look at downtown...
"Zombie walk" they call it.
When the junkies are lit like Christmas trees...

But the way they are bent over like that...

Or government needs a good 3k border security officers...
Just for bare min border control...

Pretty sad when ya can't just be happy with a joint.

And my stepfather was saying that they do it
just to 'escape' their 'realities.'
Because a lot of them don't want to actually be here.

I can understand that sentiment.

But my stepfather was saying that someone told him:
"I can't understand why anyone would do that..."

My stepfather kinda got mad at him
because considering what some people go through
and have gone through...

I'll be honest. I've thought about it plenty of times.
Been in the hospital after attempts.

Spent my 15th birthday at a hospital...
That's the birthday my uncle came to see me
to give me my father's guitar...

I remember my father wrote a song for me
but I didn't get to hear it.

Anyway, I wrote a couple of songs.
Some songs I wish I recorded
that I wrote on the fly, that I forget now.

If I 'sing' at all, it's when I'm completely alone lol.
I used to 'sing' at Church and I did a few songs in the choir.
My Grandmother took me to the choir with her.

And then there was Christmas caroling.
Which doesn't exist anymore.

Because why would anyone
who doesn't celebrate Christmas
want to hear Christmas music?

It was mostly to "spread' "Christmas cheer."

Christmas is supposed to be more than
the fact it's a 'holiday."

But yeah, has to do with religion. 

I'm not totally against religion. 
I'm not crazy about what people do
in the name of religion. 

What bugs me is stuff like blocking streets to pray.
I'm not against praying.
Just that they have Mosques. 
They have other places to pray.

Blocking streets is just...
Like holding people hostage.

If they are allowed to do that,
we should be allowed to sing Christmas songs
AND O CANADA IN SCHOOLS.

These squares... The wool that came with it
has labels on it that say Eatons lol. 

Not sure when Eatons went out of business, 
but the last Eatons here, was turned into Nordstrum. 
But they didn't do as well as they'd hoped.

Same with Target. We were supposed to get one
at the mall, but it was pulled out before they opened
and we got a Walmart instead.

How much are the plastic Walmart bags going for?
I have a bunch of them lol.

Would have saved Zellers bags if I knew
that we'd phase them out...

Didn't see it coming, but kinda glad it did.

The only thing is that bags went from 5cents to 30cents.
But if you remember to bring a bag, bonus. Less waste.

Food went up over 30% here.
Did wages increase 30%? Or did they stay the SAME?
And what happened to rent? Went up over 50%.

People working 2 jobs just to afford rent ffs.

And then there are people telling me
that their food goes to waste.
GIVE IT TO ME DAMMIT.

Instead of letting it just go to waste...

When I volunteered in the soup kitchen, 
a lot of the food went to waste.

There was enough food to give people double.
But we have to make sure there's enough to go around.
Which there is.

One thing I liked about volunteering there
is that at the end of the shift, we got to eat
and there were times I did take some food with me
because it'd end up in the garbage.

One time Chef got mad at me for doing it.
I told him it was going to go in the garbage.

He doesn't seem to get it.
Why would anyone who can afford to eat well, get it?

The ladies in the knitting group, 
99% of them are married.
Never had to worry about anything, 
and go on TRIPS all the time...

At least once a year.

I'd like to just get my sites set up.
A few moves I'd like to make, soon. 

The "less fortunate." Have nots...

But, never know.
Things can change. For the better.

That's what I tell myself:
There can be good surprises, too. 

Not just things that are like punches to the gut...
When you've had so many of those, in your life,
it can be hard to actually get yourself to believe
that good things can happen, too.

Usually when we least expect it.

So many punches to the gut and slaps in the face.
Figuratively, but I'm sure you already got that.

It also bugs me how Canada's been imploding...
Shouldn't take a rocket scientist to know what the issues are.

I had a chat with chatgpt about politics
and chatgpt came up with an analysis and a "plan."
Pretty funny when AI knows exactly what I'm saying.
And why I'm saying it.

And all the issues need to be fixed together
because the issues all impact the other issues.

It's not about fixing one issue, 
EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED.
WENT UNADDRESSED FOR TOO LONG.
A LOT OF THINGS IN MY LIFE
THAT I TRIED TO ADDRESS
THAT I WASN'T "ALLOWED TO" ADDRESS...

BECAUSE EACH TIME I DID, 
NOBODY WANTED TO TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY.

If my ex wanted to take accountability, 
he would have just done his work.

LIKE I ASSUMED HE WAS DOING
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT WE WERE THERE FOR
AND GETTING PAID FOR.

And I had to take the HIGH ROAD
DEALING WITH ALL KINDS OF BS
I NEVER SIGNED UP FOR...

Am I supposed to PROVE MYSELF TO EVERYONE?
BECAUSE OF LIES AND BS?

People literally went OUT OF THEIR WAY.
TO TRY TO PROVE SOMETHING
THAT WAS NEVER EVEN TRUE LOL.

But does anything really change when the truth comes out?

And if I was going to lie about myself,
I would actually think I was better than everyone.
I'd be full of sh*t and not telling the truth lol. 

Or making sh*t up when I f*cking couldn't, if I tried.
Why do you think I ask chatgpt to write prompts for me?

Most of it I'd rather be making up than admitting any of it.
Because I wish a lot of sh*t hadn't happened.
At all, let alone, to me...

But maybe it was supposed to be for whatever "wisdom" attached.
From reflecting on stuff like that...

But I think my biggest test is anger.
Because a lot of sh*t... Shows me...
HOW MUCH F*CKING RESTRAINT
I ACTUALLY HAVE...
LET ALONE SHOWN...

WHEN THEY COULD HAVE JUST RESPECTED ME
ENOUGH NOT TO DO WHAT THEY CHOSE TO DO.

People I never had to show ANY mercy.
Most people wouldn't. 
THEY probably wouldn't.

AND IT WOULD BE DIFFERENT COMING FROM ME.
I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SHOWN
ANY MERCY.

NOT FOR PUTTING THEM THROUGH
ANYTHING THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO.

AND THAT GOES FOR EVERYONE.
INCLUDING THINGS WE'VE DONE, OURSELVES.
Y'KNOW, ACCOUNTABILITY.

*hands revealing a rainbow while saying*
AC-COUNT-ABILITY.

Notice how the word and many others end with the word ability.

I put those squares away for today.
They are totally 70s though...

Beige, dark brown, and that 70s orange lol.
I got a central block of 9 joined, 
and joining a border of squares around it.

That makes a block of 9 with a border of 16.

And I have more, to add, and more beige...
There's always something to work with.
Something to finish, squares to join. 

Also got some more squares that will go
with squares I already made for another 'thing.'

Haven't really been working on my own projects
except the website stuff.


And writing here.

But I have a lot of wool to use up
and whenever that happens, they have stashes donated.

Whenever that happens because I likely have enough
for a lifetime, already, but I've been using it more, lately.

Over 20 years of adding to my stash...
Probably like 30 years...

There's always going to be a surplus of yarn.
There are warehouses of just yarn sales.

Eye candy like that... 
That's what it feels like when the donated wool comes in.

Every meeting I seem to bring something with me.
And haven't made my way through that yet, 
let alone stuff I already have.

And the ladies who store the group's stuff.
One lady storing the main stash.
Another lady storing the needles and hooks.
Another lady storing the buttons lol.

Well, the buttons come in handy.
One lady donated a bunch of unfinished sweaters.
I guess she liked knitting them, but not sewing lol.

So the sweaters needed the sleeves sewn in, 
buttons sewn on, pockets stitched etc.

The ladies who know how to do those
volunteered to do those.


Been thinking about making more socks.

Maybe keeping myself busy is to try to get
all those gut punches and slaps in the face
a bit further from my mind.

Because that inner rage bubbles up when I think about
ALL THE TIMES PEOPLE WENT OUT OF THEIR WAY
WHEN THEY DIDN'T F*CKING HAVE TO
BUT DID ANYWAY.

There's trying to be patient...
AND WASTING YOUR TIME
WAITING FOR NOTHING BUT MORE BS.

Then someone saying that they don't know why anyone...
If they were treated like that...
WOULD THEY WANT TO KEEP LIVING
THINKING THEY WEREN'T WORTH
NOT BEING ABOUT THAT BS
FOR?

FOR THE SAKE OF ANYTHING?

But nope. And that was their chance to choose.
And the people who didn't want anyone to choose me
HAD TO LIE ABOUT ME
INSTEAD OF LEAVING ME TO MY LIFE.

BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT
IF I DID THE SAME SH*T TO THEM...

Then I'd just be crazy? Still? 
Easy to shut someone down by telling them they're crazy
INSTEAD OF LISTENING TO THEM.

But there couldn't be ANY reason I said what I said?
No reason I was pointing out what I was pointing out?

Because what do I know?
"Where's your success story?"

People who actually ask me that sh*t are PART of it.
My success story is waking up each day.
Pushing through those insulting slaps in the face....

But I shouldn't have to push through those.
IF THEY HADN'T GONE OUT OF THEIR WAY....

DID I GO OUT OF MINE?
TO DO THAT TO THEM?

OR CAN THEY EVER SAID I EVER DID?

THEY KNOW I DIDN'T BECAUSE I WOULDN'T.
THAT WOULD BE DISRESPECTFUL. CORRECT?
THAT WOULD BE SOME BS COMING FROM ME.

So why wouldn't it be some bs coming from them?
AND THEY KNOW IT IS BS
BUT CHOSE TO BE ABOUT IT ANYWAY.

But cool if everyone misjudges me, I guess.
So that they could just get away with doing that...

AND IF IT HAPPENED TO ME,
IT COULD HAPPEN TO ANYONE.

And of course, I can't say all my problems
are the worst, ever, etc.

Not asking for a tiny violin, here.

Sometimes I think karma's been kicking my @ss around.
And sometimes I think it's almost time that it'll stop.

There's a saying about luck.
It goes like this:
"There's no run of luck that doesn't run out."

That ties in with what I was going for
when I was saying that good surprises can happen, also.

Bad luck runs out same as good luck.
Run of bad luck, run of good luck.

In the tarot, the wheel of fortune card
is about the wheel of fortune turning
and those who were at the top, finding themselves on the bottom
and the ones who were at the bottom, rising to the top.

Don't underestimate the 'under dog.'
Remember that show? Dog Eat Dog?
It was some sort of competition show.

When I was at my mother's
there were a bunch of game shows I never saw before.
I don't spend my time watching many shows.

My main concern has been this website.
To try to do a bit each day.

But my writing project is still waiting for me.
I don't know why I take on so much.

Probably so I don't ruminate so much...
BUT COULDN'T ANYONE SEE ME?
Why does it feel like they can't?

Because if they did, would they have 
GONE OUT OF THEIR WAY TO GO THERE?

I DON'T SEE THEM DOING OTHER PEOPLE LIKE THAT...
PEOPLE THEY ACTUALLY CARE
ABOUT HOW THEY LOOK TO THEM...

Because how SHOULD that look?
How would it look on ME?

Y'know something? I don't have to be
giving ANYONE the opportunity
to be or have any part in my life.

I could be giving myself opportunities, instead.
To accomplish what I want to, in my lifetime.

And anyone who doesn't want that, for me, 
then... I don't know what to tell 'em.

But anyone who judged me based on what I have
and what I don't...

I don't NEED material things to show anything.
People who only look at other people who have money...

It's shallow.

And other things of value someone was actually OFFERING.
But takers will only take.

But how can anyone GET my perspective
when they don't WANT TO listen?
LET ALONE CONSIDER WHAT I WAS SAYING?
OR WHY I WAS SAYING IT?

We can't take everyone with us.
When we want to follow our dreams, 
Why let anyone stop us?

I did that before. I even let myself stop myself lol.
All that time I ruminated.... I could have spent on other stuff.

Where would or could I be if I had?

Bazaar Blunder

Today, I was going to go to the bazaar with my mother.
I made a mistake about the time.
I thought it started at 1pm, but it ended at 1pm.

I guess people are up at 9am on a Saturday lol.

So we went to a thrift store. 
I got matching pillow cases.
And a "fabric" that I haven't decided
what to make from it... Yet.

I made a bunch of squares and I put them aside.
I have to find them and make some more.
I think I need 7 more.

Then join them together.

Other than that, I'm working on a couple of scarfs.
Made a hood and a hat I can donate for next time.

There's a lady in the group who has a spinning wheel.
I'm thinking about getting one, someday.

But... A friend said he was wondering if I could "spin"
his dog's fur into something I could work with.

I already knit him a couple of things.
Well, one was for him, but he saw something I made
and asked if he could have it so I gave it to him. 

That's kind of what happened with the blanket I made
that I gave to my ex when he and I were together.
I wasn't intending on giving it to him. 

I've always wanted to make a blanket to raffle off.
He said he liked it and wanted it so I gave it to him.

I have a few blanket projects on the go.
It's a good "winter" project
because you can have it on your lap while working on it.

The one I gave my ex took me over a year to finish.

The other ones I'm working on (on and off) are taking a while.
Not really in a hurry with these.
And making other stuff in between.

Mostly been writing, reading, knitting, and crochet.
Keeping it pretty simple.
I don't really need very much.

My mother told me that she felt someone (or something)
tap her on her foot in the middle of the night.

She thought it was her husband trying to wake her up, 
but he was asleep next to her.
It freaked her out.

So my stepfather told me about what happened
when they were living at the last place, 
before they moved where they are now...

He said he'd keep getting little kid handprints
on the windows at the apartment...
And after a while of that, 
they were on their car.

My mom says that she wants him to get rid of it.

It was a gift for her, but she had her license revoked
for medical reasons the day her husband made the final payment.

She has a mobility scooter thing.
My stepfather found a bmw emblem thing
and glued it to the front of it lol.

About the paranormal stuff, my stepfather was saying
that he tries to just chalk it up to the imagination
to keep himself from crapping himself.

Also, he was at home by himself, the dog was asleep
and he heard someone (or something) run into the closet.
Moving the clothes, the hangers on the bar.

Doors slamming, stuff like that.

I had my own stuff. 
Sometimes I get spooked here.
I have heard a voice literally right in my ear
sounding ancient af waking me up.
Saying "Wake up."
RIGHT. IN. MY. EAR.

I'm a bit spooked writing this and it
suddenly feels weird in here. In this room. 
As though I'm being watched or something.

I get that feeling sometimes...
Do you ever feel it?

As though there's someone (or something) there?
Because you can "feel" it?

But it's like even thinking about it
is like sending it energy or something.

When I was in the basement of a house I used to go to...
Where someone I dated lived...

I definitely felt "something" there.
And I allowed for whatever it was to "talk" to me.

And at first, when I first started picking up on stuff, 
I used to think it was my imagination. 

But then I got confirmations that it wasn't.
It's hard to explain it so I don't even really try to.

When I allowed "it" (the energy) to "speak" to me,
was basically "told" that he got sh0t in the head, in the driveway.
And that it was over drugs.
I didn't get the person's name or anything else,
because I'm still kinda new at this stuff...

But I was talking to someone a year or two after this...
AND I HADN'T TOLD ANYONE.
BECAUSE THEY'D THINK IT WAS CRAZY
OR JUST MY IMAGINATION, RIGHT?

Well, the guy told me that someone did get sh0t there.
And that it was drug related.

That was the only information that I got about it
and still, I haven't looked it up
to see if I could find anything.

I "saw" some things. Premonitions.
That actually came to pass.

But you try to tell someone you "saw" something...
And try to explain that to them.

I don't usually touch on any of that stuff much.
After some pretty nutty things, it's easy to feel nutty.
And easy to be seen as nutty
about these types of things

that are hard to put into words.
Because they can literally speak INTO MY EAR
WITH A DISEMBODIED VOICE.

WHAT ELSE CAN THEY DO?
That's the thing.

Like that dream I had where I was at the threshold
of a dark room that I feel has "energy" in it.
I guess all rooms do, because it's everywhere...

I digress...

In the dream, I was standing right at the door.
The door was open, and the room was dark.

I say: "I'm not afraid of you!"
And a light turned on in the room. 

And that was enough to say:
"Imagine what else I can do."

And that was enough to instill some apprehension. 

My stepfather was saying not to be afraid of that stuff. 
It is very freaky, sure.
But to be afraid of it?

Someone told me it tries to "steal" whatever energy it can. 
Whether it's from you mentally, emotionally (fear, anger).

Always lived in places that "had" something.

I tend to feel it in other places, too. 

Like when I'm at my folks' place...
The last one, too...

It was like if my folks were chilling in the living room, 
the "energy" was mostly "contained" to another room. 

I get that not everyone believes in this kind of stuff.
To each their own, 
but I saw what I saw, I heard what I heard, 
I've felt what I've felt, etc.

A friend of mine, when he used to live in the west end...
He let me stay at his place when he wasn't there.
Because he knew I wasn't going to do anything...

But when he wasn't there,
it definitely felt like there was something there.

Mostly a "watching" something or other.
That heavy feeling, kind of makes the air
feel "thick," and a bit "sticky."
Like an icky sticky...

Can't really put it into words.
Kind of like residue or something, 
but like a feeling that makes your stomach feel weird.

Not like a "I'm f*cking terrified" feeling, 
but the "stuck in yuck" feeling.

Sometimes it feel like a "drop."
Because the energy can just "drop."

But when it "drops" it kind of feels
like a "suction" to the "drop."

The only other way I can describe it is like when your ears "pop"
but it happens to your body, then it "pops out"

Not saying it pops into your body. 
It's kind of like your body pops like how your ears pop, 
And taking a "deep breath" type of feeling
like you're getting "sucked in" a bit.

It's a gross feeling.

That's why, when I feel it, I know what it is, 
but I try not to pay it heed,
because when or if I do, 
it's like funneling "concentrated" energy over to it.

and the air can get pretty "dense" with it.
"THICK."

Another way I can put it...
Humidex.

The summers can get humid here.
My theory is that the rivers create a "dome" effect
and the city is in the valley...

But it can get very humid here.

And a few summers ago, when it was smokey here, 
THE AIR WAS THICK.

It feels so thick like you could swim through the air.

Okay, so imagine THICK air like that.... Like humidity...
BUT CHARGED... 

WITH ALL KINDS OF STUFF ATTACHED TO IT.

AND WHEN YOU GET A TASTE OF THAT, ONCE.
IT ONLY TAKES ONCE
TO KNOW THAT IT'S NOT LIKE
ANYTHING YOU EVER FELT BEFORE.
BECAUSE IT'S... SOMETHING.
It's not nothing.

No matter what anyone tries to tell me...

But yeah, it's not all the same, though.
Some of it is "lighter" than the "rest"
and it's not like a vine trying to choke everything else out.

Like DSV. It's called Dog-Strangling-Vine.
But people just call it DSV. It's a weed, but a vine.

When I volunteered at the wildlife center place...
We were taking care of the butterfly meadows
and pulling the DSV by the mound. 
And we'd plant stuff the butterflies like.

It's a way-station for the monarchs when they migrate.
I have only seen a few other types, but in the spring...
And some of the summer, there are butterflies there.
Next to the amphibian pond. 

Anyway, it's kind of thick like "brush" but "vines"
Vines describes how it can "creep."

Not sure how to word it, and I don't usually
even talk about it.

But I know there's something to it, 
had my own "proof" because I heard WORDS
SPOKEN INTO MY EAR.

YOU CAN'T MISTAKE THAT
FOR ANYTHING OTHER THAN THAT.

But yeah... My grandparents' place had something.
Whether it followed any of us or is still there, I don't know.

I always had to have the basement door closed when I was there
by myself. My mother was the same way, 
but we hadn't had a conversation about it.

As though having the door closed
somehow made some sort of difference.

What made a difference was staying in the room
that was added to the original house.

The original house, had a backdoor that led out from the kitchen.
The room added to the house was like walking out into the backyard, 
but into the new room instead of the backyard.

It was already built by the time I was born, 
but the point was that because it wasn't part
of the original house
it seemed to be exempt or a "safe" place.

Like whatever it was couldn't enter that room
for whatever reason. 
Like it was only contained to the original house.

I had a couple of friends over, once,
when I was staying there... My grandmother was in the hospital
and I didn't want to be there by myself...
So a couple of guys came over.

And one of them DEFINITELY felt it.
He felt whatever "watching" him.
And another guy said that, too.

There was a guy I'd met, traveling back to this city...
I told the guy he could come back to the house with me, 
stay the night, grab a shower, etc.

(No we didn't hook up).

But he told me he felt it, too.
And he actually wanted to leave because of it.

I saw him again a few years later, 
and he and I were walking by the lake
and a huge heron flew right over our heads.

But yeah, people who don't believe in it, they don't.
And that's fine. I won't try to convince them, 
or whatever. I just know from my own experiences...
That there's something to it.

I don't "touch" on it very often, though.
It's not something I get to talk about.

My mom showed me the side road that goes to her "neighborhood."
They've only been there for 5 years or so.
But it doesn't "feel" like a place
that anything crazy would happen.

Says a person who knows that crazy things can happen
just about anywhere, at any time.

Whether you're ready for it, or not.

A lot of stuff I really wasn't prepared for. 
But a lot of things it sucks to even think
that one should be prepared for.

Some say: Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
And even if the worst doesn't happen, you're prepared?


Speaking of being prepared...
My stepfather was talking about why he went to get 
one of those naloxone kits.

A guy was freaking in a parking lot
LOOKING FOR ONE OF THOSE
BECAUSE HIS GF WAS OVERDOSING.

I've only seen one person overdosing.
The guy in the park me and a guy thought was passed out, drunk.
Thought he had been drunk
because he puked all over himself.

But in actuality, he'd overdosed, intentionally, 
and I guess he had second thoughts.
Tried puking it out, all night.

But nobody had stopped to check on him.

And speaking of crazy things happening...
Where I live, there was a guy...
I met him in the laundry room and he had invited me
to chill with him sometimes and I did.

The last time I was at his place...
He had a block of knives on the counter in his kitchen.
For whatever reason, I got a bad feeling and I left.

The chick he was seeing and talked to me about...
He invited her out to celebrate her new job.
I don't know what led up to it, 
and even if anything did, 
it was...

He cut her throat to the point
that her vocal cords were severed...

And someone found her at the same park
that I found the guy who'd overdosed.

And people have literally overdosed on the bus...
(That's another story).

So yes, crazy things do happen in this city.

I remember one story... It will stick with me...
I took a forensics class...
They showed real photos...

I don't know when this happened, what I'm about to write...
A guy, I don't know his name, but...
He took a chainsaw to his own throat.

His mother was trying to stop him from doing it
but he chased her away with the saw.
Then went back in the house and did it.

That happened in this city.
There were a few classes we saw crime scene images.
Images you can't get out of your head, ever.

And the photos obviously don't compare to being there.
I knew a couple of people who did crime scene cleanups.
Cleaning up after... investigations were over etc.

And bodycam videos... It gives a bit of a perspective, 
but doesn't show everything
and a lot of stuff has to be censored, for a reason.
The images we saw in class weren't censored.

So pretty much the only thing to "prepare" someone
is to witness what craziness can actually happen.

And things do happen here,
whether or not it's being spoken about.

The real, raw, uncensored reality of it.
Because that's what it is.

It's definitely not candy and rainbows.
It's undeniable.

Anyway, just lots and lots and lots of things
that I don't really get to talk about.

But I try not to think about it, too much.
The paranormal stuff...
Is somehow linked to that stuff...

Because what could "drive" someone
to take a chainsaw to their own throat?

Wanted it to be quick, I guess.
That would do it.

And a guy I used to talk with told me
that his mother's mother cut her own head off
with a table saw, on purpose.

What would "drive" someone to do that?
That would do it, too.

But how does someone just wake up one day and
just decide to do something like that?

And some people think about it for a while
before actually doing it.

And some people have second thoughts.
Like that guy I found at the park, covered in puke.

I didn't have one of those kits.
I told the guy I was with to call an ambulance
for the guy...
He really looked in bad shape, 
almost at death's door.

I asked him if he could hear me.
And I put my leg there so he could lean against it.
So he couldn't roll onto his back.
Because he'd been puking...

Anyway, I have a kit thing and I should put it in my bag.

I'll always remember the time I was looking for a place
to smoke a joint, before it was legal
and I went to the little island thing, 
and it was springtime...

The water was rising, from the river and we commented on it.
We ended up sitting on one of the benches, passing the joint.
Talking.

He told me that he overdosed at a gas station.
And they were able to save his life.
AND HE WAS ANGRY AT THEM
FOR SAVING HIM.
BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE HERE.

Imagine saving someone's life
only for them to be angry at you that you did...

Anyway, I should get something done tonight.