Not Even 2 Weeks...

The other night, my brother sent me like 3 messages, 
back to back. 

I haven't replied, yet. 

It hasn't even been 2 full weeks. 
It's like he's trying to come back to my place, 
to stay with me AGAIN. 

I think it has something to do with our mother, too. 
SHE HAD 2 WEEKS WITHOUT MY BROTHER THERE. 

AND WHEN I WAS TO HAVE A FULL NIGHT TO MYSELF, 
MY BROTHER WAS TEXTING ME|
TO RUSH ME BACK HOME
SO HE COULD COME BACK
WHEN HE F*CKING WANTED TO. 
F*CK WHAT I WANT, RIGHT?

AND MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO WAIT ALL FKN DAY
FOR HIM JUST TO WAKE UP. 
LIKE GET TF UP, GET SH*T DONE. 

IT'S NOT A FKN VACATION. 
THIS IS NOT A FKN HOTEL. 

So I didn't reply to his texts, yet. 

He's only texting me because he wants to come back here. 
AND HE DOES NOT GAF
THAT I DON'T WANT TO BE FKN USED. 
ESPECIALLY BY MY OWN FKN FAMILY. 

HE WAS SLEEPING ALL FKN DAY, 
AND AWAKE ALL FKN NIGHT. 
I WAS GETTING BARELY ANY SLEEP. 
I WAS GETTING FKN NOTHING DONE, 
NOT A LOT I COULD DO WITH HIM HERE 24/7.

And my neighbor was kind of whining about it. 

He came up to smoke with my brother and I, once. 

But when my neighbor got sick... 
He pinpointed it down to helping one neighbor, 
because he says:
"I wasn't around anyone for like 3 weeks..."

Like rubbing it in that I was "unavailable"
and it'd been weeks... 

Never said he couldn't come up to smoke when he was here. 

My brother saw his flirty ways firsthand. 

Being a female can get annoying. 
Some dudes will do things or try to do things
THEY WOULD NOT PULL WITH ANOTHER DUDE!
JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE A FEMALE!

That sh*t bugs me! I wish they'd stop that sh*t!

Some females really fkn hate that sh*t. 

WHY DO IT IF IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK?
IF IT JUST GETS UNDER THEIR SKIN?

IF DOING IT IS LIKE SLAMMING A DOOR
IN YOUR OWN FACE?

Anyway, the reason why I think my mom
is trying to send my brother back here... 

Is because she never wanted any of us around, period. 
Neither did her husband. 

He made her choose between him and me, once. 

OF COURSE SHE CHOSE HIM. 

I DGAF, THOUGH.

But anyway... When my brother was trying to rush me
BACK HOME
WHEN I WAS OUT DOING SOMETHING
I NEEDED TO DO FOR MYSELF... 

AND WAS TEXTING ME LIKE BANANAS... 
"WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO BE BACK?"
AND INSTEAD OF ACCEPTING 9 OR 10
BECAUSE I WANTED TO STAY OUT FOR A BIT... 
AND IT WAS GOING TO TAKE A WHILE TO GET BACK, TOO...

HE WAS TRYING TO HURRY ME BACK!

"CAN YOU GET BACK BEFORE THAT?"
"CAN YOU GET YOUR FRIEND TO COME TO YOUR PLACE?"

WTF?! CAN I NOT FKN GO OUT?
FOR ONE NIGHT?

And he was asking me when I was coming back... 
BECAUSE "MOM WANTS TO KNOW."

HOW TF IS IT HER BUSINESS WHEN?
SHE WANTED TO KNOW
BECAUSE SHE WANTED MY BROTHER OUT
AND TO PUSH HIM ONTO ME!

LIKE IT WAS MY RESPONSIBILITY
SOMEHOW TO BE FKN HOME
WHEN SHE WANTED ME TO BE
SO MY BROTHER HAS SOMEWHERE ELSE TO FKN BE!!!!!!

SEE? HOW THEY FKN TREAT ME?!
SEE WHY I WAS FKN MAD ABOUT IT?

SEE WHY I HAVE NOT REPLIED YET?
SEE WHY I DON'T WANT TO JUST JUMP TO REPLY?
JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT SOMETHING?
WOULD THEY TEXT ME IF THEY DIDN'T?
WOULD THEY CALL TO SAY HI?
TO ASK ME HOW I'M DOING?
IF I NEED ANYTHING?

MAYBE I NEED TO BE LEFT ALONE!
INSTEAD OF BEING TREATED LIKE THAT!

MAYBE BEING TREATED LIKE THAT
MAKES ME NOT WANT TO REPLY TO MESSAGES. 
MAKES ME NOT WANT TO JUST JUMP
AT ANYONE'S FKN WHIMS/DESIRES. 

BECAUSE HAS ANYONE FKN CARED ABOUT
WHAT I WANT?

WHEN I WANT TO JUST NOT BE TREATED LIKE THAT!!!!!
BY ANYONE!!!!!
ESPECIALLY FAMILY!!!!!

He's my brother, sure I care about him... 

BUT CARING ABOUT HIM DOES NOT MEAN
THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE EXPECTED
TO DROP EVERYTHING FOR EVERYONE ALL THE TIME. 
I DON'T ASK ANYONE TO DROP EVERYTHING FOR ME. 
AND I CAN'T EVER JUST EXPECT ANYONE TO DO IT.
JUST BECAUSE I WANT THEM TO. 
IT DOESN'T FKN WORK LIKE THAT. 
THEY AREN'T HERE TO BE CONTROLLED, 
JUST BECAUSE I WANT SOMETHING. 

For the most part, I don't want very fkn much. 

The very few things I wanted... 
SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN ASKING FOR TOO MUCH. 

Yes, it p*ssed me off to be treated like
ASKING FOR THE VERY BARE MIN
WAS ASKING FOR TOO MUCH. 

ESPECIALLY WHILE EXPECTING IT FROM ME!!!!

LIKE EXPECTING MY LOYALTY
BUT BEING ANYTHING BUT LOYAL TO ME!!!!!!!

Like anything one-sided... 
Like anything double-standard... 
FK THAT SH*T. 

BUT THEY JUST EXPECTED ME TO ALWAYS BE THERE, 
ALWAYS GIVE THEM CHANCES, 
ALWAYS GIVE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT,
ALWAYS FORGIVE, 
ALWAYS LOOK THE OTHER WAY, 
ALWAYS ACCEPT BS, 
ALWAYS ACCEPT LESS THAN I DESERVE.

And by what I deserve... 
I'm not saying I'm all "this or that" or PERFECT, 
BUT AT LEAST THERE ARE THINGS I CAN SAY
THAT ANYONE CAN SAY
ABOUT ME
IF THEY KNEW ME
ABOUT WHAT KIND OF A PERSON I AM. 
AND WHAT KIND OF A PERSON I'M NOT. 

"Mom's asking..."
Yeah... I bet she fkn is... 

It's been a vacation from you, with her husband. 

And if it's not her, just her, it's him, too. 
HE'LL BE A SH*T UNTIL YOU CANNOT FKN TOLERATE IT
AND WANT TO BE AWAY FROM HIM. 

BECAUSE HE IS THAT SELFISH. 
AND THAT IMMATURE. 

He pushes people. 
They both do. 

TO GET REACTIONS.
AND THEY BLAME YOU FOR YOUR REACTION. 
TO THEIR BS. 

THAT IS PART OF WHY I DON'T WANT TO BE AROUND THEM. 
THAT IS WHY THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH OF THEM
I CAN TOLERATE. 

AND HOW SHOULD IT BE MY PROBLEM, 
IF HE WANTS TO BE A D*CK?
AND MY BROTHER CAN'T STAND IT?

IS THAT MY PROBLEM?
OH WAIT! SINCE I HAVE MY OWN PLACE, 
APPARENTLY IT IS!
BECAUSE I'M EXPECTED TO JUST BE HOME
WHEN THEY WANT ME TO BE HOME
AND SACRIFICE ALL MY TIME FOR THEM
AND MY PLANS FOR THEM
JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT ME TO DO THAT?!

AND EXPECT ME TO BE COOL WITH IT?!

I don't live with them for a reason. For lots of reasons. 

Even the way they treat me, now, 
THEY USED TO TREAT ME WORSE WHEN I WAS AT HOME!

SO YEAH, I WANTED TF OUT!
I GOT OUT!
OR I WOULDN'T HAVE WANTED TO LEAVE!
RIGHT?!

So if they wanted me to think better of them, 
THEY COULD HAVE TREATED ME BETTER!!!!!!
WITH RESPECT!!!!!

NOT JUST EXPECT ME TO BE THERE!!!! FOR THEM!!!!
WHO TF IS THERE FOR ME? ANYONE?
BARELY SHOW UP FOR ME... 
BUT I'M SUPPOSED TO COME HOME EARLY
BECAUSE YOU WANT TO RUSH ME BACK HOME
BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE AT MY PLACE?
FOR SOMEWHERE ELSE TO BE?
TO ESCAPE THERE?

BUT HOW DARE I NOT WANT TO KEEP
PUTTING MY LIFE ON HOLD FOR EVERYONE!!!!
LIKE I'M SUPPOSED TO ALL THE FKN TIME!!!!
LIKE I HAVE DONE ALL THE FKN TIME!!!!

I'm a "bad" sister if I don't want to jump AT REQUESTS
AND EXPECTATIONS AND BE EXPECTED TO DO THAT.

I DON'T NEED ANYONE TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD
OR GUILTY FOR NOT WANTING TO. 

IF THEY TAKE ME FOR GRANTED, WHY TF SHOULD I WANT TO?!
JUST TO DO IT?
AS EXPECTED?
JUST BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT?

WHEN THEY NEVER GAF ABOUT WHAT I WANT?

Like not even a full 2 weeks and he's trying to come back here. 

Yeah, a break from being over there. That's all I am. 
SOMEWHERE ELSE TO BE.

And I have to sacrifice my plans, put my plans on hold... 
Bend over backwards all the time... 

AND BE EXPECTED TO!!!!
I DO NOT WANT TO BE EXPECTED TO!!!!

THAT IS THE POINT!
I AM EXPECTED TO AND WHEN I DON'T WANT TO, 
I'M THE BAD PERSON FOR NOT GIVING THEM WHAT THEY WANTED.

LIKE I WAS FKN OBLIGATED TO!!!

AND I GET TREATED LIKE SH*T FOR NOT WANTING TO!
SHOULDN'T I HAVE A RIGHT NOT TO WANT TO?

MAYBE IF THERE WAS RESPECT, I'D WANT TO!

MAYBE IF I WASN'T FKN EXPECTED TO, I'D WANT TO!
MAYBE IF THEY WEREN'T TRYING TO FKN RUSH ME HOME
BECAUSE THEY WANTED ME TO BE BACK
TO LET THEM STAY WITH ME

WHEN I SHOULDN'T BE FKN EXPECTED TO!
THAT P*SSED ME OFF!

His last message "Let me know if you get this A***."

I did get it, I read it, my phone died, I charged it, 
I went to bed, woke up, decided to do some stuff... 

Kind of like when I called you a few times,
after I moved in here, for you to come over to help me do something, 
I've kept mentioning that you still fkn haven't done for me, 
even after staying at my place for 2 weeks like a fkn hotel. 

AND WHEN I CALLED YOU, 
DID YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?
DID YOU CALL ME BACK?
DID YOU TALK TO ME FOR MONTHS?

NO... ONLY WHEN YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF THERE, RIGHT?
ONLY WHEN YOU NEED SOMEWHERE TO STORE YOUR STUFF?

AND I WAS EXPECTED TO SAY YES!
IF I SAID "NO, I'M NOT A FKN STORAGE UNIT,
I DON'T WANT TO BE USED AS ONE..."
I WOULD BE A B*TCH!!!!!!
BECAUSE HE DIDN'T GET TO STORE HIS SH*T HERE
LIKE HE FKN WANTED TO!!!!!
AND HE'D GET ALL P*SSY ABOUT IT. 

BECAUSE HE LIKES GETTING WHAT HE WANTS. 
HE DOESN'T LIKE NOT GETTING WHAT HE WANTS.

HE WANTED AN INSTANT REPLY. 
HE DIDN'T GET IT. 

THE INSTANT REPLY WAS EXPECTED, FROM ME. 
BECAUSE HE WANTED IT, FROM ME. 

FROM SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT GAF ABOUT WHAT I WANT!

WHEN WHAT I WANT IS NOT TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT!

That's why I'm making him wait. 
Because he doesn't have to have what he wants all the time. 

ESPECIALLY TAKING ME FOR GRANTED LIKE THEY ALL DO!
NOT CONSIDERING ME, LIKE USUAL!

AND PEOPLE BEING FAKE TO ME, THEY THINK I CAN'T FKN SEE THAT!

AND TO THINK I'D WANT TO BE AROUND THAT?

I DON'T WANT TO CONSTANTLY GIVE TO PEOPLE
WHO JUST FKN EXPECT ME TO RUSH HOME
BECAUSE THEY WANT ME TO!!!!!

But I'm the "older sister" the one who HAS TO CARE
ALL THE TIME, AND BE CARING, AND BE KIND, 
AND BE GIVING, AND BE THERE, 
AND GET SHOVED ASIDE, AND IGNORED, 
TO MY FACE, EVEN... 

AND SMILE LIKE I ENJOY THAT SH*T... 
LIKE I'M HAPPY TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT, I'M NOT!

SHOULD I BE HAPPY ABOUT IT?

MY OWN FAMILY DOING THAT SH*T?

BECAUSE I MAKE SH*T TOO EASY
AND CONVENIENT FOR THEM... 
SO THEY EXPECT IT TO BE, I GUESS... 
WITH  NO REGARD TO ME.... 
AS TO WHAT MY PLANS ARE,
AS TO WHAT I WANTED... 

JUST TO MAKE MYSELF AVAILABLE, ALL THE TIME.

BUT WHEN I ASK FOR ANYTHING, EVEN ONE THING, 
THAT ONE THING, THAT I WANTED, 
NEVER FKN MATTERS!!!!!!

Not even on my BIRTHDAY!!!!

My brother did get me cake and mac n' cheese for dinner... 
Like a casserole style, not in the box... 
And we added extra cheese to it... 

That's one of the things I wanted. 

Of all the things I do and am I expected to do for everyone... 
Was that the least? 
Like I never ask for much, but when I do... 
Especially when I ask certain people
ESPECIALLY WHEN IT IS SOMETHING SMALL
SOMETHING VERY FKN SMALL... 
SOMETHING THAT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ANYTHING, 
JUST TO DO FOR ME... 

Like once, on my birthday, I wanted to watch a movie with my mother. 
I wanted to just get high and watch Cheech n' Chong. 
ON MY BIRTHDAY. 

NOT A RADICAL THING TO WANT
ON MY BIRTHDAY, 

BUT DID WE "GET TO" WATCH IT?
NO!
BECAUSE MY MOM DIDN'T WANT TO!
EVEN THOUGH SHE KNEW I FKN DID!
AND TO WATCH A MOVIE WITH ME
ON MY BIRTHDAY
WOULD HAVE BEEN WHAT TO HER?

AS AN EXAMPLE.

MANY THINGS LIKE THIS. 

IT BUGS ME. 

BUT WHENEVER ANYONE WANTS SOMETHING, 
I'M SUPPOSED TO DROP EVERYTHING!!!!!

SO HE WANTS TO COME OVER BECAUSE HE IS
THINKING OF HIMSELF. 

SHE WANTS HIM TO COME OVER BECAUSE SHE IS
THINKING OF HERSELF. 

I'M THE STORAGE UNIT, OTHER PLACE TO BE!

NOT SOMEONE WITH THEIR OWN LIFE!

AND WHEN I ASK FOR FKN ANYTHING, EVER, 
WTF DO I EVER GET? ANYTHING?
DO I EVEN GET TO WATCH THE MOVIE
I WANTED TO WATCH ON MY FKN BIRTHDAY?

I get little to no effort from anyone... 

WHEN THEY KNOW I WANT SOMETHING, 
EVEN SOMETHING SMALL, 
THEY'LL GO OUT OF THEIR WAY
TO MAKE SURE I DON'T FKN GET TO HAVE
THE VERY SMALL THING I WANTED. 

And really, if they go out of their way about it.... 

THEY CAN GO FK THEMSELVES!

LIKE NOTHING I EVER DO FOR ANYONE IS ANYTHING?
ANYTHING THAT THEY CAN'T JUST LET ME
WATCH THE FKN MOVIE?
I WANTED TO WATCH 
ON MY BIRTHDAY?

Can I have ONE day that I CAN WANT something?

BECAUSE EVERY OTHER FKN DAY NOBODY GAF
WHAT I WANT!
THEY ONLY CARE ABOUT WHAT THEY WANT!!!!

BECAUSE THEY DO NOT THINK ABOUT ME, PERIOD!
APPARENTLY, NOT EVEN ON MY BIRTHDAY!

Is wanting to watch a movie WANTING TOO FKN MUCH?
ON MY BIRTHDAY?
THE ONE DAY I SHOULD BE ALLOWED
TO WANT SOMETHING?
ONE SMALL FKN THING?

So this is why I don't even fkn bother. 

IF I WANT TO DO WHAT I WANT ON MY BIRTHDAY, 
THE ONE DAY I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO WANT
VERY SMALL THINGS... 

LIKE TO GET HIGH AND WATCH "UP IN SMOKE"
OR SOMETHING SIMPLE LIKE THAT... 

I HAVE TO SPEND IT BY MYSELF.

BECAUSE NOBODY GAF ABOUT WHAT I WANT.
THE VERY SMALL THINGS. 

SO WHY FKN ASK ANYONE ANYMORE?
EVEN ON MY FKN BIRTHDAY!
IF THEY EVEN REMEMBER WHEN IT IS!

BECAUSE WHY SHOULD THEY CARE?
ABOUT ANYTHING ABOUT ME?

My neighbor even went as far as to argue with me
ABOUT MY AGE. 

HE WAS SO CONVINCED THAT HE WAS RIGHT
HE WAS TRYING TO CONVINCE ME
THAT HE WAS RIGHT ABOUT MY OWN AGE FFS. 

RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY BROTHER. 

When I told him that I am 42, now... 

He wanted to argue and actually said... 
"No, you were 40 and now you're 41..." WTF?!

I LITERALLY TOLD YOU MY ACTUAL AGE, 
AND YOU WANT TO TELL ME THAT I'M NOT? WTF?

MY BROTHER HEARD HIM DO IT!
HE WAS HERE WHEN HE DID THAT!

WHY ARGUE WITH ME ABOUT MY OWN AGE?
TO BE "RIGHT"?
ABOUT SOMETHING YOU'RE NOT RIGHT ABOUT?

LIKE I CAN'T BE RIGHT ABOUT MY OWN ACTUAL AGE?
DA FUQ?

That's the kind of BS, man. It bugs me. 

MAYBE RESPECT ME ENOUGH THAT WHEN I TELL YOU
MY ACTUAL AGE, YOU DON'T TRY TO ARGUE IT. 
YOU DON'T TRY TO CONVINCE ME OF SOMETHING
THAT ISN'T THE CASE. 
YOU BELIEVE ME THE FIRST TIME I TELL YOU. 
YOU ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE WRONG ABOUT ME.

The same guy who said to me:
"I came to realize that I need you as my GIRLFRIEND."

THE SAME GUY WHO'S THE SAME AGE AS MY MOM.

WHICH I'VE TOLD HIM MORE THAN ONCE. 
AND ACTS LIKE IT'S SURPRISING NEWS EACH TIME. 

I REMIND HIM OF IT WHEN HE TRIES TO ACT
LIKE HE'S ANYTHING OTHER THAN MY NEIGHBOR. 

I don't like it. 

I know I have to reply to my brother, but I want time to myself.