My Brother Went Back

I have my space to myself again. 
I'm finally getting my work done
and I'm feeling less stressed out... 
I GOT DECENT SLEEP LAST NIGHT, FINALLY.

My brother went back to our folks' place the other day. 
Yesterday. 
I got decent sleep last night. 
I'm starting to feel better.

I had a productive night, tonight. 
I got most of my course recorded tonight. 

I got the code I wanted to include with it, fixed.

I have to go over it, again, tomorrow, to finalize some stuff. 
Before I put anything out... 

But I will include a bunch of stuff with it... 

So I am getting stuff together for it, now, 
and finalizing stuff etc, tomorrow. 

I feel like I lost like the last 2 weeks... 
I didn't get done what I wanted to get done. 

So now, I'm trying to catch up on the stuff that I want to do. 
Been wanting to do, for myself. 

I feel pretty good about where it's going... 

And I really like the stuff I have built and am building, 
and the stuff I will build, I'm excited about. 

It's just tiring when I'm tired... 
And waiting for my time and space to do it. 

WHEN I AM WORKING ON SOMETHING, 
I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE TO WORK ON IT.

That has nothing to do with anyone. 

I just can't be there, taking care of other people
(who aren't putting in the work)
AND DO MY WORK AT THE SAME TIME.

AND I OFTEN SACRIFICE THE THINGS I WANT
BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE JUST EXPECT ME TO
WHEN THEY WANT SOMETHING FROM ME.

LEAVING ME DRAINED, TIRED, AND BEHIND
IN MY PLANS. 

Anyway, I feel a bit more caught up, now. 
When I really feel behind and that I lost time... 
WHEN I COULD HAVE BEEN DOING STUFF... 
I FEEL KIND OF AGGRAVATED WITH MYSELF. 

BECAUSE I WANT TO GET SH*T DONE!
I WANT TO GET SOME RESULTS!
I DON'T LIKE WAITING FOR ANYONE!
PEOPLE EXPECTING ME TO WAIT DRIVE ME NUTS!

If I could balance it, that'd be something. 
BUT I'M OFTEN PUTTING PEOPLE ABOVE ME.
AND OFTEN THEY DON'T RESPECT ME, EVEN.

Just really tired of even being around anyone. 
ESPECIALLY BEING AROUND PEOPLE
WHO EXPECT ME TO JUST BE AROUND
BECAUSE THEY WANT SOMETHING FROM ME. 

I DO NOT LIKE THAT FEELING. 

IT DOESN'T FEEL GOOD. 

BEING AROUND PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT ANYTHING
FROM YOU
FEELS DIFFERENT. 

It feels different in a good way, but it kind of feels weird, 
because usually most people want something. 

BECAUSE THEY ARE THINKING OF THEMSELVES,
NOT THINKING OF YOU. 

OR THEY'D CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT. 

LIKE MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO BE KEPT UP ALL NIGHT. 
AND I DON'T WANT TO WAIT FOR YOU ALL DAY.

I WANT TO DO MY OWN THINGS, TOO. 

I DON'T WANT TO BE DRAINED OF MY TIME, 
MY RESOURCES, MY ENERGY, 
MY KINDNESS. 
OF ANYTHING. 

I JUST DON'T. 

ANYONE WHO DOES THAT SH*T, 
I DO NOT WANT TO BE AROUND!

I need my solitude to GET SH*T DONE. 
TO THINK, TO REST, TO PLAN, 
AND GET SH*T DONE...

---------------------------------

I had to think about some sh*t... 
Because I've been asking myself WHY 

WHY IS IT SO "HARD"
FOR SOME PEOPLE
LIKE MIRROR SMASHER
TO GET THEIR HEADS OUT OF THEIR @SSES.

Some people REFUSE to change
BECAUSE THEY ARE AFRAID OF CHANGE.
SO SCARED OF IT
THAT THEY REFUSE IT.

IF THEY WEREN'T, 
THEY'D EMBRACE IT, RIGHT?

THERE'D NEVER BE ANY TRUTH
IN ANY APOLOGY I'D EVER GET FROM HIM, EVER.

AND ANY "APOLOGY"
IS BECAUSE THEY DON'T LIKE "REJECTION"
BECAUSE IT "HURTS" THEIR "EGO/PRIDE."
IT DOESN'T HURT THEIR FEELINGS.
IT'S EGO AND PRIDE THEY PUT ABOVE EVEN FEELINGS.
WHY WOULD THEY THINK ABOUT FEELINGS?
ESPECIALLY MINE?
UNLESS THEY WANTED TO TRY TO "HURT MY FEELINGS"
INTENTIONALLY...

BECAUSE THAT'S ALL THAT WAS.

OR? THEY'D CARE ABOUT MY FEELINGS?
BECAUSE MY FEELINGS WOULD MATTER?
BUT? THEY NEVER DO!

The only reason fake people want to be around real people
IS TO TRY TO ACT LIKE THEM
SO THEY CAN ACT REAL TO FOOL REAL PEOPLE.
TO TRY TO USE THEM. 

BECAUSE WHY WOULD THEY EVER JUST BE REAL?
IF THEY COULD TRY TO GET SOMETHING?

FAKE PEOPLE WILL TRY TO ACT REAL
TO GET SOMETHING THEY WANT.

OR THEY WOULD JUST BE FKN REAL
FOR THE SAKE OF BEING REAL.
BECAUSE WTF DO THEY WANT?
WHAT DO THEY EVER FKN ASK FOR?
WHAT DO THEY EVER TRY TO GET
BY JUST BEING REAL?

That is the difference. 

The difference is that I was never willing to do
any of the things he did to me, 

BECAUSE WHY WOULD I HAVE DONE THAT?!

AND IF HE LIKES ANYTHING ABOUT ME
IT'S THAT HE KNEW THAT I WOULDN'T. 

But knowing that... 
WOULD YOU NOT APPRECIATE THAT?
FOR WHAT THAT WAS?

When you convince yourself that something WORKS
FOR SO LONG...
WHY CHANGE?

UNTIL YOU REALIZE IT DOESN'T WORK?

UNTIL SOMEONE WHO WAS SETTLING FOR THAT
REALIZES WHY TF WAS I SETTLING FOR THAT?
WHEN I DESERVED BETTER THE WHOLE TIME?

I DESERVED FOR IT NOT TO BE ONE-SIDED.
I DESERVED FOR THERE NOT TO BE ANY BS.
I DESERVE HONESTY AND RESPECT.

I'm not going to wait on CHANGE.
WHEN SOMEONE FEELS LIKE TREATING ME BETTER, 
THE WAY I DESERVE TO BE TREATED. 

WHY SHOULD I WAIT FOR THAT?
YEARS! I'D BE WAITING YEARS!
WASTING MY TIME WAITING ON THAT!

FOR NOTHING. FOR DISRESPECT.
IS DISRESPECT SUPPOSED TO GET YOU ANYWHERE
WITH ME? FK NO!

SO WHY WOULD IT HAVE?

WHY WOULD I SETTLE FOR ANY FK BS AT ALL?
I DON'T NOW.

APPARENTLY I USED TO DISRESPECT MYSELF
FOR SETTLING FOR DISRESPECT.

Am I supposed to KEEP TRYING
TO BE "CONVINCED" THAT I WAS THE ISSUE?
THAT WANTING TO BE TREATED BETTER 
WAS THE ISSUE?

THE WAY I SHOULD HAVE BEEN?
LIKE SOMEONE WHO FKN MATTERED?

No, I know what one-sided looks like. 
I WAS SHOWN WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE. 
WHEN IT'S IN YOUR FACE FOR WAY TOO LONG, 
LONGER THAN IT EVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN... 
YOU SEE IT.
YOU KNOW WTF IT LOOKS LIKE. 

And then try to come back like they are trying to
DO ME A FAVOR?

NO. THE FAVOR IS STAYING TF AWAY FROM ME. 

MADE ME WAIT FOR CHANGE
THAT WAS NEVER GOING TO FKN COME. 
THE WHOLE TIME THEY KNEW WHAT THEY WERE DOING. 
AND INSTEAD OF NOT FKN DOING IT, 
THEY JUST WENT AHEAD AND DID IT.
BECAUSE WHY TF WOULD I MATTER AT ALL?
TO FKN ANYONE?

The thing here is that not getting what I had wanted
WAS SUPPOSED TO "BREAK" ME. 

NOT WHEN I REALIZE THAT WHAT I WANTED
WAS WHAT I THOUGHT I WANTED. 

I DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE
WHO WOULD EVER DO ANY OF THAT SH*T TO ME.

HE CREATED THAT SH*T BECAUSE HE WANTED ME
TO HAVE FOMO LIKE HE CLAIMS TO HAVE. 

I DON'T. NOTHING I'M MISSING OUT ON THERE. 
WHAT? SOMEONE WHO'D DO THAT SH*T?
THAT'S WHAT I'M SUPPOSEDLY MISSING OUT ON?

OR... IS HE MISSING OUT ON SOMEONE WHO WOULDN'T?

But when someone needs their ego to be stroked
and you refuse to stroke it
BECAUSE WHY WOULD I ACCEPT DISRESPECT
AND THEN STROKE YOUR EGO? WTF?
JUST FOR YOU TO BE A PETTY, IGNORANT POS?
WAITING FOR YOU TO CAUSE THE NEXT ARGUMENT?
INSTEAD OF HAVING A CONVERSATION?
EXPECTING ME TO LOOK OVER
EVERYTHING ALREADY SAID AND DONE
LIKE IT NEVER WAS SAID OR DONE?

If anything... He would be so spiteful and try to get "revenge"
FOR rejecting him.

HE LIKES PLAYING GAMES, 
BUT HAD I DONE WHAT HE DID, 
HE WOULDN'T FKN LIKE IT!

But because HE FKN DID THAT, 
WHY WOULD I WANT THAT SH*T?

It's all fun and funny
UNTIL IT MAKES THEM LOOK LIKE A POS.

The thing is when people don't want to be rejected, 
sometimes they let the wrong people into their life. 

AND NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU TRY
TO WARN SOMEONE AND HELP THEM... 
NO MATTER WHAT YOU TELL THEM
AND HOW MANY TIMES YOU TRY TO TELL THEM....
AND HOW MUCH YOU WISH THEY'D SEEN
WHAT YOU WERE SAYING AND WHY... 

OFTEN THEY DON'T FKN LISTEN!
SO THEY FIND OUT THE HARD WAY.
AND THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO.

BUT SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO LET THEM
FIND OUT THE WAY THEY DO.

I've been afraid of change...
WHEN A LOT CHANGES IN YOUR LIFE, 
FAST...
FOR THE WRONG REASONS... 
AND THERE'S FK ALL YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT... 

YOU START TO FKN NOT WANT CHANGE. 
EVEN GOOD CHANGE. 

BECAUSE HOW DO YOU KNOW
IF IT IS ACTUALLY GOOD?
WHEN SO MUCH CHANGED THAT WASN'T?

Rejection used to bother me, a lot. 

I'D RATHER BE REJECTED BY SOMEONE
WHO ISN'T FOR ME, PERIOD, 
THAN ACCEPTED BY SOMEONE
WHO ISN'T GOOD FOR ME AND NEVER WAS.

WHAT GOOD IS BEING ACCEPTED BY SOMEONE
WHO FKN PLAYS GAMES
AND REFUSES TO GROW TF UP?

JUST TO BE ACCEPTED BY THEM?
JUST TO NOT BE REJECTED?