Saturn

If you believe in astrology stuff and stuff like that... 
You might know that each "sun sign" has a planet. 
The planet associated with Capricorns.... Is Saturn. 

Saturn.... "Father Time."

It's in retrograde. Has been since July 26th.... I think...
Until December 10th.... This year. 

Saturn also has to do with KARMA.

IF YOU FK WITH CAPRICORNS.....
YOU GET IT HARDER.

HARDER THAN YOU EXPECTED, TOO. 

SATURN CAN WHOOP SOMEONE'S @SS.

I knew I felt "off" for a while... 
I think it has to do with people projecting sh*t on me. 
Because the blasts of energy do not feel like my energy. 

People get karma for how they treat people....
WHILE BLAMING THE PEOPLE THEY TREATED WRONG. 
SO THEY PROJECT THEIR SH*T AT THEM.

"ATTACK" "ATTACK" "ATTACK" 
BECAUSE I CAN'T LOVE BOMB YOU. 
BECAUSE YOU SAW RIGHT THROUGH ME. 
BECAUSE YOU TOLD THE TRUTH ABOUT ME.
BECAUSE YOU SHOWED ME HOW I'M ACTING.

BUT..... "YOUR FAULT, A***." NO.

YES, I CALLED YOU OUT. 
WHY? BECAUSE I HAD TO.
BECAUSE YOU PUSHED ME TO THE POINT
THAT I WILL TELL YOU THE FK TRUTH ABOUT YOURSELF. 
YOU DON'T LIKE IT....
"ATTACK" "ATTACK" "ATTACK" 

"I'M AN ABUSIVE FK, BUT IT'S A***'S FAULT."
"I'M THE ONE WHO DIDN'T LET A*** MOVE ON, 
BUT IT'S A***'S FAULT."

"DID YOU REACH OUT TO ME TO INSULT ME SOME MORE?"
I ASKED HIM! 

BECAUSE WTF? 

AND I HADN'T DONE OR SAID ANYTHING TO HIM!

BUT LET'S "EXCUSE MY SH*T BEHAVIOR ON A***."
INSTEAD OF SAYING: "I WAS BEING A D*CK."

LIKE AFTER I BROKE UP WITH MY EX.....
I WROTE ABOUT SOME THINGS ON HERE.....
HE WAS READING IT.....
EVEN AFTER HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN LEAVING ME ALONE....
"ATTACK" "ATTACK" "ATTACK" 

BECAUSE HE DIDN'T "LIKE" WHAT I SAID. 
WHAT I WROTE.

NOT MY PROBLEM.
HE WANTED TO MAKE IT MY PROBLEM.

HAD TO ATTACK ME IN THE COMMENTS
ON MY OWN BLOG!

INSTEAD OF? P*SSING OFF.

BECAUSE THE TRUTH LOOKED BAD?
WELP, FK. DO I GAF?

"ATTACK" "ATTACK" "ATTACK" 

BECAUSE? I TOLD THE TRUTH?
"ATTACK" "ATTACK" "ATTACK" 

BECAUSE? I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH:
"ATTACK" "ATTACK" "ATTACK" 

IF YOUR "CONFIDENCE"
COMES FROM HOW OTHER PEOPLE "SEE" YOU.....
THAT'S A FRAGILE EGO THING.

NOTHING TO DO WITH ME!
"ATTACK" "ATTACK" "ATTACK" 

WANTED ME NOT TO BE SEEN THE WAY I AM:
"ATTACK" "ATTACK" "ATTACK" 

NO. I KNOW WHO I AM.... REGARDLESS OF:
"ATTACK" "ATTACK" "ATTACK" 

AS SOON AS I MOVE FORWARD:
"ATTACK" "ATTACK" "ATTACK" 

WTF? AM I DOING THAT SH*T?
OR AM I ALLOWING PEOPLE TO FKN MOVE FORWARD?
IF THEY FKN WANTED TO?

SO THEN..... WHY TF COULDN'T I? WITHOUT:
"ATTACK" "ATTACK" "ATTACK" 

AND IF YOU ARE: "ATTACK" "ATTACK" "ATTACK" 
YOU ARE TRYING TO FK WITH SOMEONE'S STABILITY. 

WHY WOULD I LET THAT CONTINUE?
BECAUSE I'M CAPABLE. VERY CAPABLE OF:
"ATTACK" "ATTACK" "ATTACK" 

BUT HOW DO I HANDLE THAT?
I CALL THAT SH*T OUT.
THEY REACT TO IT.
THEY DON'T LIKE IT.
BUT..... THE TRUTH OUTWEIGHS BS.

MY CONTROL IS MOVING FORWARD.
WITHOUT FKN ANYONE. 

BECAUSE I CAN.
I DID, RIGHT?

AND WHEN I DO THAT.....
THEY LOSE CONTROL.
THE CONTROL THEY WANTED.
THAT THEY DIDN'T GET TO HAVE.

BECAUSE THE TRUTH ATTACKS:
"ATTACK" "ATTACK" "ATTACK" 

AND THEN.... BIG DADDY SATURN WAKES UP.
Every 378 days.... 
FOR 140 DAYS.

ENJOY THAT.

BUT.... THOSE WHO TOOK THE HIGH ROAD....
AND DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.....

DID I CLOCK HIM FOR PUNCHING ME IN THE HEAD?
COULD I HAVE? YEAH.

COULD I HAVE DONE WORSE THAN THAT? YEAH.

I'M NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW ANYONE SEES ME.
THEY ARE.

THEIR "INTERPRETATION" OF ME.... IS THEIRS.
THEIR "DISTORTIONS" OF ME.... ARE THEIRS.

NOT EVERYONE HAS THE "PERSPECTIVE"
TO SEE ME OR "UNDERSTAND" ME.

BEING "MISUNDERSTOOD" ISN'T A THREAT TO ME.
IT ALWAYS HAPPENS. 

THEIR UNDERSTANDING "ABOUT ME"
OR ANYTHING ELSE....

IS NOT MY "LIFE'S WORK." IT'S NOT.

"SMEAR CAMPAIGN ON A***!" FINE.
DO ANY LIES ABOUT ME....
CHANGE THE TRUTH ABOUT ME?
AND THE TRUTH ABOUT WHY THEY ARE DOING THAT?

NO?

BUT WHEN I TELL THINGS FROM MY SIDE....
I AM TELLING THE TRUTH....

REGARDLESS OF HOW ANYONE "FEELS" ABOUT IT....

THOSE WHO GET TRIGGERED BY THE TRUTH....
WILL LIE!!!!!!!!! 

DID I USE TO DEFLECT? YEAH!
WHY? BECAUSE EVERYONE AROUND ME DID THAT SH*T.
IT WAS EASY TO DO THAT SH*T.
DID I KNOW HOW TO HOLD MYSELF ACCOUNTABLE? NO?
BECAUSE I HADN'T GOT TO THE POINT WHERE I COULD.
BECAUSE WHAT DID I HAVE AROUND ME?

IMMATURITY AND BS? 

NOT A LOT OF GROWTH AROUND IMMATURITY AND BS.
RIGHT?

DID I GROW A LOT WHEN I WAS BUSY GETTING DRUNK?
INSTEAD OF REFLECTING?

DID I DO MUCH REFLECTING?

SURE, PROCESSING IS ONE THING....
BUT REFLECTING IS ANOTHER THING!

"WHY DID I DO XYZ?"
"WHAT DOES XYZ SAY ABOUT ME?"
"HOW COULD I HAVE HANDLED THAT BETTER?"
"WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE HIGH ROAD?"
"WHY DIDN'T I TAKE THE HIGH ROAD?"

WHAT WAS THE "REAL REASON" HE BLOCKED ME? HMMM?
IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME
AND EVERYTHING TO DO WITH WHAT HE WAS OUT THERE DOING.

WHAT DID I DO? I LET HIM CARRY ON WITH HIS CIRCUS SHOW.
NOT MY CIRCUS, NOT MY MONKEYS.

CAN'T FK WITH MY FEELINGS
WHEN YOU ALREADY DID THAT SH*T.

YOU DON'T GET TO DO THAT SH*T REPEATEDLY.

YOU GET A CHANCE TO SHOW ME THAT YOU'RE NOT A D*CK....
BUT IF YOU ARE..... P*SS OFF.

PUN INTENDED.

IF I "TOOK HIM BACK" AND LET HIM BACK INTO MY LIFE... 
HE WOULD HAVE PLAYED THE SAME GAMES. 

HE WAS UP TO SOMETHING. 

"HE LIKES TO LEAVE PEOPLE HANGING."
THAT'S WHY HE "GHOSTS" PEOPLE....

AND THINKS HE CAN "COME BACK"
AFTER LYING TO ME.... TRYING TO FK ME AROUND... 

AND THOUGHT HE COULD TRY IT AGAIN.

HE IS "WORRIED" THAT I'M GOING TO "DO SOMETHING."
HE KNOWS IT IS A MATTER OF TIME....
BEFORE THE TRUTH GETS OUT....

HE KNOWS WHAT THE TRUTH COULD DO!

"HE THOUGHT HE COULD WAIT YOU OUT."
12 YEARS IS A LONG TIME TO WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!
HE WOULD HAVE BEEN WAITING FOREVER!!!!!!!!!! LOL!

"NOBODY CAN ESCAPE THE UNIVERSE."
WITH LIES, GAMES, TACTICS, BS... 

He was a "catalyst" for me in some ways....
HIS BS LAUNCHED ME LOL.

HE NEVER SAW THAT COMING.
BUT I NEVER SAW HIS BS COMING. 
NOT FROM HIM. 

DID I SEE MIRROR SMASHER'S BS COMING?
I SHOULD HAVE, BUT NO.
"ROSE COLORED GLASSES."
AND PEOPLE WHO DON'T HAVE GOOD INTENTIONS
TRY TO HIDE THEIR BS WITH LIES. 

LIES CATCH UP TO PEOPLE. 
BECAUSE YOU CAN ONLY LIE SO MUCH
BEFORE THE LIES STOP MAKING SENSE. 

THE TRUTH DOESN'T HAVE TO "MAKE SENSE" EITHER... 

He was trying to come back into my life....
TO TRY TO GET ME "WHERE HE WANTED ME"
BUT HE COULDN'T....

BECAUSE I KNEW SOMETHING WAS OFF WITH THAT SH*T.

IT MADE ME THINK: "WHY NOW?"
SOME "REASON."

IF HE LIED TO ME, HE WOULD LIE ABOUT ME. 
IF HE WOULD LIE ABOUT ME, HE WOULD LIE TO ME.

GET IT? 

"HE THINKS HE'S GOOD AT PERSUADING PEOPLE
TO GET WHAT HE WANTS FROM THEM."

"HE TRIES TO GET THE UPPER HAND TO BREADCRUMB...
TO TRY TO GET YOU ADDICTED TO THEM."

1) BREADCRUMBS DON'T EXCITE ME
2) I KNOW WHEN SOMEONE IS TESTING MY TEMPERATURE.

AND I HAVE A FEELING HE WAS "COACHED"
ABOUT HOW TO "HANDLE" ME....

AFTER 12 YEARS.... 

BUT.... THERE WERE SOME THINGS HE WAS NOT COUNTING ON.

WHATEVER THE GROUP IS THAT WANTED.....
WHATEVER IT WAS... 

"A*** WANTED TO DATE HIM A LONG TIME AGO...
SHE'S STILL SINGLE.... SEND HIM IN THERE...."

A.LONG.TIME.AGO.
UNTIL???? 

"I HAVE HER WHERE WE WANT HER.
SHE'S TALKING TO ME AGAIN....
DOOR RE-OPENED!"

UNTIL?????

SLAMMED IT IN YOUR OWN FACE......

"A*** WOULD RATHER BE ALONE?
THAN DEAL WITH BS?!"

THAT'S WHY IT DID NOT WORK.
I HAD ALREADY "MOVED ON" WITH "MY LIFE"
SO HE HAD ZERO POWER OVER ME.

"WHAT? I'M POWERLESS?"
FK YES. HE DOES NOT GET TO CALL THE SHOTS.

"A***'S NOT AS STUPID AS WE THOUGHT?"
NO. I JUST LET YOU THINK I WAS.

HE GOT MAD BECAUSE I KNOCKED HIM OFF
HIS HIGH HORSE.

BECAUSE HE DIDN'T GET THE "RESULT" HE WANTED.

KEEP PLAYIN' PLAYER!
PLAYERS PLAY THEMSELVES WHEN THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE PLAYED!

I DON'T LIKE "BEATING PEOPLE" AT THEIR OWN GAME....
BUT.... THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN PLAYING.

BECAUSE I WASN'T.
BECAUSE I DON'T. 

IT'S BS.

IF I LET HIM FEED ME LIES, AGAIN....
HE'D PLAY THE SAME GAMES.

"GHOSTED YOU ON PURPOSE. PART OF THE GAME."

YES.

BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE "ENOUGH"
TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME FOR LOL!

"A***'S POOR... I WON'T GET ANYTHING FROM HER."

IT WASN'T BECAUSE I WAS "TOXIC."
IT WAS BECAUSE HE COULDN'T GET ANYTHING FROM ME.

AND HE WAS TRYING TO GET SOMETHING FROM ME.

BECAUSE ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS HE MENTIONS IS WORK.

AND HE DIDN'T WANT ME TO BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE
BECAUSE THEY WOULD GET WHATEVER HE WAS TRYING TO GET.

MAD THAT HE DID NOT GET WHAT HE WANTED.
ENVISIONED A PARTICULAR OUTCOME.
DIDN'T GET IT.

WHEN I WAS ANGRY... IT WAS FOR DIFFERENT REASONS.
BECAUSE I WASN'T FKING AROUND. 

I WASN'T IN IT FOR THE REASONS HE WAS.
THAT'S WHY.

HE WAS MAD THAT I DIDN'T LOSE MY SH*T.

THE DISTANCE ISN'T TEMPORARY WHEN YOU DISCARD SOMEONE.
THEY ACCEPT THAT DISTANCE. 

BECAUSE YOU CREATED IT.

AND IF YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY GAMES....
YOU WILL TRY TO KEEP PLAYING THEM. 

I KNOW THIS. 

"SHE WON'T KNOW I'M PLAYING GAMES.
HER CURIOSITY WILL GET THE BEST OF HER.
SHE'S COMPASSIONATE; SHE'LL EXTEND IT TO ME."

12.FKN.YEARS.WENT.BY.
THAT WAS A FKN TEST!

WHEN YOU PASS "THE TEST"
THE PERSON WHO TRIES TO "TEST" YOU....
WILL GET "TESTED."

BY BIG DADDY SATURN.
"FATHER TIME."

WHY WOULD I REACH OUT AFTER 12 YEARS?
AFTER BEING DISCARDED?

HUNTERS HUNT IN PACKS... 
RIGHT?

BUT.... HUNTERS....
CAN FALL IN THEIR OWN TRAPS.

WHEN SOMEONE IS FKING ME AROUND....
IT'S A GAME.

I KNOW THIS.

IF THEY DON'T KNOW I KNOW THIS....
DO I GAF IF THEY DO OR NOT?

MY INTUITION PROTECTS ME.
IF IT FEELS FKD, IT IS FKD.
IF IT LOOKS FKD, IT IS FKD.

HMMM, SMELLS LIKE BS...

Back to the "hunting" analogy.... 

Hunters.... Use tactics. 
TO ENTICE THEIR PREY.

LIKE SOME HUNTERS USE ANIMAL URINE.

There's a funny story I was told once... 
It was told in a chatroom...

A chick's brother had spilled moose urine on his ATV....

A MOOSE FOLLOWED THE SCENT TO THE DUDE'S HOME!
AND WAS HUMPING HIS ATV.

THAT'S HOW "POWERFUL"
SOME TECHNIQUES AND TACTICS ARE....
RIGHT?
THEY USE THEM....
BECAUSE THEY TYPICALLY WORK.

BUT.... I KNOW WHAT BS SMELLS LIKE TOO. 
AND WHEN I SMELL IT.....
I DON'T HAVE TO REACT THE WAY I'M 
"EXPECTED TO."

I don't like having to "protect myself."
BUT I HAVE TO, AND I CHOOSE TO.

IF I LET BS DISTRACT ME?
FROM MY GOALS?

"ROMANCE SCAM"? LOL.

NOT JUST HOES ARE GOLD DIGGERS LOL.
SOME CHICKS DO NOT GAF ABOUT ANY OF THAT SH*T.

WANTED MY ENERGY "TO MANIFEST."
DIDN'T WORK BECAUSE I DON'T PLAY GAMES.

PEOPLE WHO PLAY GAMES THINK THEY CAN WIN.
AND IT'S ABOUT WINNING AND GETTING...

WHEN PEOPLE DON'T PLAY.....
THEY DON'T GAF ABOUT GETTING ANYTHING FROM GAMES.
THAT'S NOT HOW THEY OPERATE.

GAME PLAYERS CARE ABOUT HOW THEY LOOK. 
BECAUSE THEY USE IT TO "MANIPULATE."
TO GET WHAT THEY WANT.

PEOPLE WHO WANT VERY LITTLE.....
DON'T WANT THE SAME THINGS 
FOR THE SAME REASONS.

WHEN YOU DO FK THINGS... 
LIKE TRY TO "MAKE SOMEONE LOOK" A WAY THEY AREN'T....
LIKE "JEALOUS" OR "CRAZY."

LOW SELF-ESTEEM TO DO THAT.

WAS NEVER JEALOUS OF ANYONE WHO EVER SAID
I WAS JEALOUS OF THEM.

IF I "WENT CRAZY" AND "ACTED OUT" OF JEALOUSY....
THEY COULD SAY: "SEE! I TOLD THE TRUTH!"

RIGHT?

JEALOUS PEOPLE ACT OUT.
PEOPLE WHO AREN'T JEALOUS: MEH. *SHRUG*

PEOPLE WHO WANT SOMEONE TO BE JEALOUS....
THEY WANT TO COMPETE.

I DO NOT COMPETE.

SO COMPETING.... WITH ME....
IS SHOWING THAT YOU ARE DOING IT....
AND WHY.

I DON'T HAVE TO COMPETE.
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT WHAT I HAVE TO COMPETE FOR.

ALSO, I DON'T HAVE TO WEAR A MASK.
TO TRY TO CONVINCE ANYONE OF ANYTHING. 

LIARS.... THEY MAKE UP BIG LIES....
"WHY WOULD SOMEONE LIE ABOUT THAT?"
SO THEY BELIEVE THAT SH*T!

THEY NEVER FKN QUESTION IT....
OR GO TO THE PERSON BEING LIED ABOUT TO ASK:
"IS THIS TRUE?"
WHY WOULD THEY?
THEY BELIEVE IT!

"WHY WOULD (THIS PERSON) LIE TO ME?"
"ABOUT THIS PERSON?"

WORTH ASKING!

THEY "CONNECT" WITH PEOPLE
WHO ARE CONNECTED TO YOU....
WHO COULD HAVE OFFERED YOU SOMETHING....
EVEN IF YOU DIDN'T WANT ANYTHING FROM THAT PERSON....
BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO GET IT.

EVEN WHEN YOU WERE NOT CONNECTING
FOR THOSE REASONS. 

WHEN YOU "USE" AND "BETRAY" PEOPLE.....
YOU DON'T GET AWAY WITH IT FOREVER.

WHEN PEOPLE SEE THAT SH*T.... THEY DON'T LIKE IT.
THEY WON'T TRUST YOU. 

PEOPLE WHO PLAY GAMES
WANT PEOPLE TO BE BLIND TO THE GAMES. 

THAT'S WHY THEY MANIPULATE THEM.
TRYING TO GET THEM THINKING THINGS
ABOUT PEOPLE THAT AREN'T TRUE.... ETC....

BECAUSE THEY KNOW:
IF I CAN INFLUENCE THEIR THOUGHTS....
I CAN INFLUENCE WHAT THEY BELIEVE....
AND THEY WILL ACT XYZ BASED ON WHAT THEY BELIEVE.

Here's a story about a woman's games.... 

There was a chick whose bf was cheating on her....
She found out....
But she manipulated him to K*LL the chick
he was having an AFFAIR WITH.
AND HER HUSBAND, 
AND THEIR KIDS, 
AND THEIR DOGS.

WHAT SHE DID:

CONVINCED HIM THAT SHE WAS AN OP
FROM A GANG... SHE WASN'T. 

BUT IT WAS A GAME TO HER.
SHE WANTED TO WIN.

WINNING COST INNOCENT PEOPLE THEIR LIVES!
INCLUDING CHILDREN AND ANIMALS!

BECAUSE? SHE LIED!
"WHY WOULD SOMEONE LIE ABOUT THIS?"
THE BIGGER THE LIE.... RIGHT?

AND HE ATE IT UP! BELIEVED IT! CONVINCED!
RIGHT?

AND WHAT? THEY WERE INNOCENT.

SHOULD SHE NOT HAVE CHEATED ON HER HUSBAND?
FK NO! 

BUT TYPICALLY, AFFAIRS DON'T END LIKE THAT.

IN THE END... THE POLICE WERE CHASING HIM DOWN.
THE ONE WHO STARTED THE LIES
THAT CONVINCED HIM TO K*LL THEM....
WAS IN THE TRUCK WITH HIM... 

HE SHOT HER AND K*LLED HIMSELF.

I DON'T KNOW IF SHE CONFESSED TO HIM.
IN THOSE FINAL MOMENTS.

BUT "WHAT SHE WANTED"
THE GUY WHO HAD THE AFFAIR... 

SHE "NEEDED" TO "WIN" THE GAME... 
AND "WIN" THE "PRIZE."

TO "GET" WHAT SHE "WANTED."

BECAUSE: SHE COULD HAVE BEEN LIKE:
"YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME? FK YOU!"

AND FOUND SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY WANTED TO BE WITH HER!

THAT SH*T ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

THAT IS AN EXAMPLE OF SH*T THAT DOES HAPPEN.

THERE ARE MANY VERSIONS OF THAT SH*T.

FROM MILD TO EXTREME.

Performance VS Personality

I've been accused of some sh*t. 

One dude said to me:
"You think you're better than everyone."

1) WHO IS HE TO TELL ME WTF I THINK?
2) DOES HE KNOW ME? NO

They think my personality is a performance.

When people are reacting to me....
They aren't reacting to who I actually am.
They never saw me clearly enough to react "correctly."

They are reacting to their own choices about themselves.

They chose to put a ceiling on themselves.
On their own lives.

Then I came along with a ceiling.
A daily reminder of their own choice.

So they construct a version of "me"
they can be "comfortable" with.

So when they see me moving through the world... 
It creates a "pressure" they react to. 

What my existence stirred up.

Because if I'm XZY.... 
Anything "bad...."

If I'm "arrogant" or "manipulative"
or "volatile" or "immasculating"
or "toxic" or whatever else.....

"FAKE..."

"Better than everyone..."

THEN THEIR CHOICE TO TREAT ME
LIKE CRAP WAS "RIGHT."

AND THE CEILING THEY PUT ON THEMSELVES
"FINALLY MAKES SENSE"
AND DOESN'T HAVE TO BE "UNBEARABLE."

THAT'S WHY THEY CREATE THE NARRATIVES.

I've had to delve so deep to figure that sh*t out....

I kept being fkn confused.... Why tf am I getting treated like this?
WTF IS THIS SH*T?

I FELT THIS SH*T AND HAVE BEEN THROUGH IT
WITH SO MANY PEOPLE. IT'S NUTS.

PEOPLE WHO WERE SUPPOSED TO BE "SAFE."

I SPENT YEARS WONDERING WTF I WAS DOING WRONG!
FOR THEM TO CONSTANTLY THINK SH*TTY THINGS ABOUT ME...

I KEPT SHRINKING, DIMMING MYSELF...
TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT KEPT "SETTING PEOPLE OFF"

THEY WEREN'T REACTING TO MY "FLAWS"
THEY WERE REACTING TO ME. 

BUT A VERSION OF ME THEY CONSTRUCTED. 
FKN WEIRD SH*T. 

IT'S BECAUSE THERE IS SOMETHING IN ME
THAT MOST PEOPLE "CAN'T HANDLE."

NOT BECAUSE THERE WAS ANYTHING WRONG WITH ME. 

THEIR INABILITY TO HANDLE WHATEVER IT WAS....
NEVER HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME. 

MY "PRESENCE" "LIGHTS UP" PARTS IN PEOPLE....
THAT MAKES THEM FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE. 

IT'S NOT SOMETHING I KNEW I WAS DOING!
OR HOW I WAS DOING IT... 

CONSTRUCTED VERSIONS OF ME....
ARE DISTORTED VERSIONS.

THEY FEEL COMFORTABLE... HOLDING ONTO IT.
SO THEY CAN FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES.

THE SHIFT IN HOW THEY TREATED ME
WAS FROM SOMETHING SOMEONE ELSE SAID.....

OR FROM A STORY THEY CONSTRUCTED ON THEIR OWN.

BECAUSE I DEFINITELY DO NOT THINK I'M BETTER
THAN ANYONE. 
BECAUSE: WHO AM I TO THINK THAT?

PASSING ALONG A FALSE NARRATIVE IS....
DISAPPOINTING. 

EVERY TIME ANYONE LIES ABOUT ME....
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THEY ARE DOING....

THEY ARE FEEDING A PART OF THEMSELVES
THAT IS SMALL AND CAN'T "HANDLE" MY EXISTENCE.

BUT WHEN THEY HAVE TO SIT WITH THEMSELVES, 
THEY HAVE TO SIT WITH THE WEIGHT OF THE LIES.

I DON'T. 

A NARRATIVE IS NOT A VERDICT ON MY LIFE. 
OR ON ME. 

IT'S A TYPE OF "POWERLESSNESS" TO "HAVE TO" DO THAT SH*T.
TO JUST "FEEL STABLE" WITH SOMEONE EXISTING. 
MERELY EXISTING. 

BECAUSE I SURE AS FK DON'T GO OUT OF MY WAY
TO DO FK SH*T TO PEOPLE....

SO THEM REACTING TO ME LIKE THAT....?????

BUT.... THEY ARE USING THAT SH*T AS A TACTIC.

IT'S NOT LIKE I CAN "CORRECT IT DIRECTLY"
BECAUSE IT'D GET EVEN WORSE. 

BECAUSE THE NARRATIVE STOPS BEING ABOUT
MY CHARACTER.... OR THEIR VERSION OF ME....

IT BECOMES.... ABOUT....
WHETHER I CAN CONVINCE PEOPLE. 

AND... IT'S NOT MY JOB TO CONVINCE THEM!

THEY ARE ALREADY CONVINCED.
BECAUSE THEY CONVINCED THEMSELVES! 

ALREADY MADE UP THEIR MINDS!
ABOUT ME!
ALREADY DECIDED: WORTHLESS. XYZ... ETC.

THEY WERE NEVER GOING TO BE CONVINCED
BY ME..... EXPLAINING MYSELF. 

THEY ARE ALREADY "INVESTED" IN THE VERSION
THAT THEY CHOSE TO BELIEVE. 

THE ONLY THING THAT CAN CORRECT....
IS THE ACCUMULATION OF EVIDENCE
OF WHO I REALLY AM. 

AND ONLY THOSE WHO HAVE ACCESS TO ME....
WHO SEE SOME THINGS ABOUT ME....
WILL KNOW WHO I REALLY AM.

NOT SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR MIND MADE UP.
CONVINCED OF THEIR CONSTRUCTED VERSION... 

SUCKS.... BUT THAT'S.... THAT.

Honest Conversations

A lot happened in those 12 years....
Things I've experienced....

I get why people are guarded, defensive, d*cks. Okay?
I FKN UNDERSTAND THAT SH*T.

OTHER PEOPLE HAVE SCARS, TOO. 

BUT IF I AM NOT THE ONE WHO FKN SCARRED YOU.....
WHY THE FK ARE YOU NOT UNDERSTANDING....

THAT YOU DO NOT NEED TO ADD TO MINE.

Already had enough pain.... And I didn't need any more.

I had HOPED for UNDERSTANDING.
BUT MISUNDERSTANDING ME DOES NOT GET TO DEFINE ME.

I DO. 

AND *BLOCKING* ME AGAIN SAYS:
I WON'T FACE WHAT I DID.

THEN WHY TRY TO REGAIN ACCESS?

Here's something: HE HAD A VERSION OF ME IN HIS MIND.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE UNDERSTANDING!
YES, I AM, BUT..... 12 YEARS LATER?

I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE!
YES, I WAS, BUT.... 12 YEARS LATER?

IF HE WAS WRONG ABOUT MY "WEAKNESS"
(TOO EMOTIONAL)

NO. NOT TOO EMOTIONAL.
I HAVE FKN FEELINGS LIKE A HUMAN BEING.

HE HAD TO "INTERPRET" MY "REACTIONS."
HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND ME WELL ENOUGH.....
TO "INTERPRET" ME "CORRECTLY."

BECAUSE HE ALREADY HAD A "STORY" ABOUT ME.

I STOPPED ASKING HIM TO UNDERSTAND A LONG TIME AGO.
I STOPPED EXPECTING HIM TO....
BECAUSE HE WASN'T HEARING ME.

MIRROR SMASHER DID THE SAME SH*T.
MINIMIZED FKN EVERYTHING.
REALIZED FKN NOTHING. 

SAYING MORE CHANGES NOTHING. 
DOING MORE CHANGES NOTHING. 

DID I HAVE TO PROVE THAT MY FEELINGS 
WERE VALID?
AS VALID AS HIS?

HOW WOULD I HAVE DONE THAT?

HE BELIEVED THAT FEELINGS WERE THE ISSUE.
NO. HIS BS WAS THE ISSUE.

IF SOMEONE "MISUNDERSTANDS YOU" CONSTANTLY.... 
WOULD THERE HAVE BEEN A POINT?

IF I WANTED A REACTION....
I WOULD HAVE BEEN PUSHING FOR UNDERSTANDING!
FOR HIM TO REACT! TO TRY TO TRIGGER HIM! RIGHT?
WITH INSULTS ETC?

"IF SHE STILL CARES, SHE'LL REOPEN THE CONVO."

IT WASN'T THAT I DIDN'T CARE.
OR I WOULDN'T HAVE TRIED AT ALL.

I HAD TO DECIDE:
AM I EVER GOING TO BE UNDERSTOOD? NO?
SO IT WOULDN'T BE "PRACTICAL" TO KEEP GOING.

TOO MUCH FEELING...
TOO MUCH SENSITIVITY....
TOO MUCH INTENSITY....

NO.... FEELING. SENSITIVITY. INTENSITY.

WHAT DOES ANY OF THAT REQUIRE?

FOR HIM TO STEP UP AND UNDERSTAND?
JUST THAT? LISTEN? THINK ABOUT WHAT I'M SAYING?
NOT JUST HOW I SAID IT?

"REACTED STRONGLY"
WHY?

WHAT WAS I REACTING TO?

"VOLATILE," HE SAID, FFS.
WHY TF DO YOU THINK THAT IS?

MAYBE....... BECAUSE I ALREADY.....
TRIED...... EXPLAINING.........
CERTAIN THINGS............
A BILLION TIMES..........
12...... FKN...... YEARS....... AGO.........

BUT EVEN 12 YEARS LATER........
DID HE FKN UNDERSTAND????

WHEN I EXPLAINED IT AGAIN?????????????

AND DID I FKN OWE HIM THAT????????? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DID IT MAKE A DIFFERENCE??????????? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO IT WOULDN'T HAVE........... SUFFICED.........
TO EXPLAIN CERTAIN THINGS.........
BILLIONS AND BILLIONS AND BILLIONS OF MORE TIMES.

RIGHT?

IT'S EXHAUSTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!

IF I WANTED A REACTION......
I WOULD HAVE JUST FKN TRIED TO GET ONE.

BUT HE DIDN'T HEAR FROM ME FOR 12 YEARS!
HE WASN'T GOING TO HEAR FROM ME EVER AGAIN!

IT'S NOT THAT I STOPPED CARING....
BECAUSE I ACTUALLY WANTED TO SEE WHERE IT WENT!!!!!!!!

BUT HOW FAR WOULD IT GO.........
WITH SOMEONE..... WHO..........
DIDN'T.......... GET IT?

EMOTION DOES NOT EQUAL INSTABILITY!
CARE DOES NOT MEAN PERMANENCE!
UNDERSTANDING DOES NOT MEAN TOLERANCE!
FORGIVENESS DOESN'T MEAN THE DOOR IS ALWAYS FKN OPEN!!!!!!

I HAD REASONS TO BE GUARDED TOO.....
BUT I FKN COMMUNICATED.
I WAS TRYING. 
I WAS SHOWING UP.

BUT I ALREADY PROCESSED IT.

AND HE DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO STAND
AT THAT GAP.

FROM WHATEVER HE EXPECTED.
TO REALITY. 

INSULTS ARE "DEFENSE."

WHAT DID YOU HAVE TO "DEFEND" YOURSELF FROM?
AN FKN HONEST CONVERSATION
YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO HAVE?

*BLOCK* GUESS NOT! RIGHT?

I'D ALREADY BEEN THROUGH A LOT OF SH*T!
I DIDN'T NEED MORE.

I STILL HAD SHOWED UP, SINCERELY.

WAS I DOING ANYTHING WRONG?
BY BEING INTENSELY HONEST?

WHY SHOULD I CARRY SOMEONE'S AVOIDANCE?
SHOULD THEY CARRY MINE?

WHAT WAS HE AVOIDING? 
NOT JUST ACCOUNTABILITY.
HE AVOIDED ME.

THE REAL ME.
NOT JUST THE "STORY"
OF WHO HE THOUGHT I WAS.

BASED ON MY "REACTION"
TO HIS SH*T? REALLY?

IF YOU CANNOT HAVE AN HONEST
CONVERSATION......
WITH SOMEONE.....
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING THEM WITH....
A "POTENTIAL PARTNER"....

YOUR "POTENTIAL PARTNER"
WILL LOSE HOPE IN EVER HAVING ONE.

PERIOD.

AND THEY WILL NOT EVEN WANT TO TALK ANYMORE
BECAUSE THERE WILL NOT BE MUCH THEY CAN SAY....

TO MAKE YOU REALIZE THAT IT WAS
ACTUALLY IMPORTANT!

AND YES.... I WILL PROTECT MY SOLITUDE.

OVER "ENTERTAINING A SITUATION"
THAT WOULD ONLY BE....
A SITUATION.....
LIKE IT WAS.....
THE LAST TIME.....
IF THAT.

HOW MANY TIMES DID HE AND I "REALLY" TALK?
OPENLY? HONESTLY?

OR WHEN IT WAS TIME TO DO THAT.....
HE DISCARDED ME.

TWICE.

SO THEN.... I CAN CONCLUDE.....
HAVING AN HONEST CONVERSATION.....
WAS....... ACTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE?
AND JUST WOULDN'T HAPPEN?
BECAUSE IT COULD HAVE?
AND STILL DIDN'T?

EVEN 12 YEARS LATER?
WHEN HE SAID HE WANTED TO TALK?

BUT..... WHEN HONEST SH*T, REAL TALK.....
*BLOCK*

I'M FKN TIRED OF THAT SH*T. OKAY?
MANY FEMALES ARE FKN TIRED.....
OF AVOIDING..... HONEST..... CONVERSATIONS.

SOME WOMEN DO IT..... IF THEY DON'T WANT TO FACE THEIR SH*T.....
SURE! NOT JUST MEN......

BUT FEMALES ARE TIRED OF IT FROM DUDES.
MOSTLY.

BECAUSE..... WITHOUT......
HONEST CONVERSATIONS
WHERE THEY LITERALLY LOOK AT THEIR SH*T.... 
FACE IT....... ALL OF IT.....

THERE IS NO FKN PROGRESS, AND IT'S ONLY BS
THAT THE FEMALE DOES NOT FKN WANT.

THEN THAT FEMALE IS GOING TO BE P*SSED OFF
BECAUSE THAT DUDE IS EXPECTING HER
TO STILL DEAL WITH HIS BS.

WHEN HE KNOWS SHE DOES NOT WANT TO!
NEVER DID!

SO WHY ACT LIKE THAT?

And...... What do dudes do?
THEY TRY TO TURN IT AROUND
TO TRY TO MAKE THEMSELVES LOOK BETTER.
LIKE A "VICTIM" OF THEIR OWN "SH*T."

FKN EXAGGERATING SH*T.
WHY DO THAT SH*T?

"I REALLY WASN'T BEING A D*CK!"
YES. TF. YOU. WERE.

IF I WAS BEING A TW@T....
I WOULD FKN KNOW I WAS BEING A TW@T.

BECAUSE I WOULD BE CHOOSING TO BE ONE.

LIKE.... I DON'T KNOW IF HE SAW ME SOMEWHERE
OR IF HE'S BEEN FOLLOWING ME....
OR IF HE KNOWS WHERE I MOVED....

CREEPY SH*T. I DIDN'T LOOK HIM UP.
NOTHING. 

I DIDN'T GO INTO HIS DAD'S STORE.
I WOULDN'T. 

I HAVEN'T EVEN WANTED TO SEE HIM. 
OR TALK TO HIM.

ALL HE DOES IS INSULTS ME AND RUNS.
AND THINKS HE CAN COME BACK. 

WHY TF ARE YOU INSULTING ME?
WHY TF ARE YOU RUNNING?

WHY ARE YOU TELLING YOURSELF 
A STORY ABOUT ME?

NOT THAT I CARE TO FKN KNOW.....
JUST SOMETHING HE SHOULD BE....
ASKING.....
HIMSELF. 

WHY ACT LIKE THAT?

WHY WOULD I WANT VERBAL & EMOTIONAL ABUSE?

I WAS EXPECTED TO SWEEP EVERY DAMN THING
UNDER THE RUG ALL THE DAMN TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FK NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY TF SHOULD I?????????????????????????
SO SOMEONE CAN AVOID BEING ACCOUNTABLE??????
AND KEEP DOING THE SAME SH*T???????????
WITHOUT FULLY UNDERSTANDING??????????
WHY TF I NEVER WANTED THAT SH*T?
AND NEVER DESERVED IT?

FK NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY SHOULD ANYONE HAVE MY LOYALTY
WHEN I MOSTLY GET BS FROM THEM?

"IT'S UNFAIR! A***'S SO SICK OF MY SH*T
SHE'S NOT SHOWING UP FOR ME!"

WELL, WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

ACUSTOMED TO A*** AUTOMATICALLY
"FIXING THINGS"
SHE DIDN'T BREAK.

A*** DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE EXPECTED TO DO THAT.

TREATED LIKE THAT! FK THAT!

A*** DOESN'T FKN WANT TO.

JUST BECAUSE I COULD....
DOESN'T MEAN I WANT TO.

AND IF I KEPT FIXING THINGS.....
THEY NEVER FKN WOULD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO WHY?????????????

DID I DO THE DAMAGE?
SO SHOULD I?

Not "Broken"

Discarding me was supposed to AFFECT me.
That's what it was "supposed" to do.

THAT'S WHY IT DIDN'T. OKAY. 

HE WAS CHECKING TO SEE IF I WAS AFFECTED.
BY HIS BS AND WANTED TO FEED INTO IT.
FK THAT.

Yes, I've had to isolate myself for my own PEACE.
MY OWN CLARITY.

WHY WOULD I CHASE A CONFESSION?
I ALREADY KNOW HOW THEY MOVED!
RIGHT?

I also isolate myself to INTROSPECT.

WANTED ME TO BE "BLINDFOLDED" TO THE TRUTH.
THAT I ALREADY KNOW?

The only time I didn't see it was when I actually trusted him
NOT TO BE A SH*T TO ME.

Illuminated to the fact that they can't "trap" me. 
THEY DON'T WANT TO REGRET IT.
THAT'S WHY THEY DON'T. 

He was already "detached" before he discarded me.... 
SO WHAT WAS THERE FOR ME TO DO OR SAY?

NOT AT PEACE WITH YOUR LIFE?
THAT'S WHY YOU TRY TO TRIGGER ME?

IF THEY WERE, SERIOUSLY, 
THEY WOULD FEEL NO "NEED"
TO TRY TO TRIGGER ME. PERIOD. 

THEY'D BE TOO BUSY VIBING TO NEED TO....
DO ANYTHING ELSE. 

MOST OF THE PEOPLE WHO "HATE" ME.....
CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU WHY THEY DO!
BECAUSE THEY DON'T EVEN FKN KNOW!

BECAUSE THEY CAN'T SAY THAT I'VE DONE
FK ALL TO THEM.

They can talk behind my back..... TEEHEE. TEEHEE.
They can say whatever they want to. 

They are mad because they can't "control" me.
WHY SHOULD I FKN LET YOU?
JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT TO?

SHOULDN'T YOU BE......... CONTROLLING.....
YOURSELF? 

BECAUSE..... IF YOU WERE......
YOU WOULDN'T...... NEED TO,,,,,
OR WANT TO....... "CONTROL" ME.

THEY ARE AFFECTED..... BY HOW FAR I'VE COME.
AND THEY ARE ALLOWED TO BE.
IF THEY WANT TO BE, I GUESS.

"BOX OF SHAME AND REGRET." FK THAT.

BECAUSE I WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE "HAPPY"
OR "SATISFIED" OR ANYTHING
THEY DIDN'T WANT ME TO BE.

WELP, NEVER NEEDED THEIR PERMISSION.

I'M "IN CONTROL" I *BLOCKED* A***!
I'M "IN CONTROL" I TREATED A*** LIKE SH*T!

IS THAT WHAT CONTROL IS?
TO YOU?

IS THAT HEALTHY? OR TOXIC?

LIES ABOUT ME CHANGE NOTHING ABOUT ME OR THEM.

WELP, IF HE WAS READING MY BLOG THE WHOLE TIME....
NEVER THOUGHT HE WOULD BE....

BUT HOW ELSE WOULD HE HAVE ANY KNOWLEDGE?
ABOUT ME? HMMM?

I DON'T ASSOCIATE WITH HIS FRIENDS.... 

WHAT CONFLICT DO I HAVE IN ISOLATION?
INNER CONFLICT. THAT'S IT.
DEALING WITH MY OWN BS.

NOT ANYONE'S BS.

The ammunition: VERBAL AND MENTAL ABUSE.

Wanting to dismantle my reputation....
HOW CAN THEY WHEN THEY AREN'T IN CONTROL
OF THAT?

FKERY BACKFIRES.... BECAUSE THAT SH*T.....
IS WHAT YOU'LL GET BACK.


So... You...... Stay....... In your INTEGRITY.
AND DON'T FK AROUND.

ALL THE ABUSE WAS TO HAVE ME "BOUND"
IN NEGATIVITY AND STRUGGLING
TO EVEN SEE CLEARLY.

OR ELSE WHY TRY TO AFFECT AND ABUSE ME?

BECAUSE I WASN'T "SUPPOSED TO BE" HAPPY.

THAT'S WHY.

Nothing left to do but try to take their sh*t out on me.....?
PLENTY TO FKN DO IF THEY WANTED TO!

WHY WOULD I BE AMUSED....
WHEN SOMEONE ACTS LIKE THEY HAVE A FKN GRUDGE
AGAINST ME FOR NO FKN REASON?

TRIGGERED BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE "ACCESS" TO ME.
WHY IS THAT? BECAUSE.... WHEN THEY HAD IT......
WHAT DID THEY DO? HOW DID THEY ACT?
HOW DID THEY TREAT ME?

THEY WANT TO CELEBRATE WITH ME........
AFTER WALKING ALL OVER ME? FK THAT!!!!!!!!

"SCARE TACTIC"

OH NO! I'VE LOST THEM FOR GOOD!
HE *BLOCKED* ME! 

AM I SUPPOSED TO SIT HERE AND FKN CRY?
OR SOMETHING?

BLOCKED YOURSELF WHEN YOU BLOCKED ME!

IMAGINE THAT!

WANTED ME "ISOLATED" AND "CAST AWAY" AND "CRYING"
BOO FKN HOO! HAPPY? LOL!

WELP, I ENJOY BEING BY MYSELF.....
SO THAT DOES NOT "AFFECT" ME.

SENDING SOMEONE "HATE" FOR NO REASON....
CAN BOUNCE BACK. 

AND THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.
THAT'S ENERGETIC.

MIND GAMES AND TACTICS WON'T GET THEM
ACCESS TO OR CONTROL OVER MY ENERGY.

MY ENERGY IS FOR ME.
I'M ALLOWED TO HAVE IT FOR ME.

THAT IS WHY I DO NOT WANT TO GRANT ACCESS.

Anyone is allowed to deny access to their energy to anyone.

So am I. 

Just.... Bothers me that after not valuing me when I was right there...
Thinking that they could just..... Come back..... 
Not take accountability or address anything.... 
Like usual... 

What did I expect? Really?

I know what I had hoped for,,, 
Initially... 

But..... Here's something.... 

Just because you HOPE for something....
DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN EXPECT IT!

HOPES AND EXPECTATIONS ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS!

Because..... I had hopes for my "love life."
Right?

And those hopes are not..... Expectations. 

COULD I EXPECT A DUDE NOT TO BE A D*CK?
OR.... COULD I HOPE HE ISN'T ONE?

SAME GOES FOR HOES.
YOU CAN HOPE A B*TCH IS NOT A HOE....
BUT YOU CANNOT EXPECT A HOE
NOT TO BE A HOE.

GET IT? GOOD!

I CAN'T EXPECT A D*CK NOT TO BE A D*CK.
RIGHT?

I COULD HOPE..... THE DUDE.....
IS,.... NOT...... A D*CK.......

BUT UNTIL I KNOW......
I DON'T.

I CAN ONLY HOPE. 

BUT BASIC DECENCY.......
SHOULD BE........
COMMON......
SENSE.

JUST THAT.

It's very rare that what you hope for is something you can expect.
VERY RARE.

AND PEOPLE ARE NOT MIND READERS.

AND NOR ARE THEY OBLIGATED.....
TO GIVE ANYTHING OR DO ANYTHING.

EXPECTING IT..... JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT IT.....
IS ENTITLEMENT.

NOBODY IS ENTITLED TO SOMETHING
JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT IT.

IT DOES NOT WORK LIKE THAT.

IF I EXPECTED A RELATIONSHIP.....
OR A PARTNERSHIP
OR ANYTHING OTHER THAN JUST.......
BASIC FKN DECENCY.....

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN ONE THING.
YEAH.... I WAS INTERESTED.....
IN SEEING WHERE IT WENT.....
SURE. I WAS.

BUT IF I EXPECTED "FOREVER" OR SOMETHING....

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT. 

I SAW WHERE IT WENT. 
THAT IS OKAY.

WHY WOULD THAT NOT BE OKAY????!!!!
THERE WOULD BE SOMETHING WRONG IF IT WASN'T!

I mean... I can.... "not want to be with someone romantically"
WITHOUT BEING A FKN TW@T TO THEM.

RIGHT? THAT IS THE POINT.