Not "Broken"

Discarding me was supposed to AFFECT me.
That's what it was "supposed" to do.

THAT'S WHY IT DIDN'T. OKAY. 

HE WAS CHECKING TO SEE IF I WAS AFFECTED.
BY HIS BS AND WANTED TO FEED INTO IT.
FK THAT.

Yes, I've had to isolate myself for my own PEACE.
MY OWN CLARITY.

WHY WOULD I CHASE A CONFESSION?
I ALREADY KNOW HOW THEY MOVED!
RIGHT?

I also isolate myself to INTROSPECT.

WANTED ME TO BE "BLINDFOLDED" TO THE TRUTH.
THAT I ALREADY KNOW?

The only time I didn't see it was when I actually trusted him
NOT TO BE A SH*T TO ME.

Illuminated to the fact that they can't "trap" me. 
THEY DON'T WANT TO REGRET IT.
THAT'S WHY THEY DON'T. 

He was already "detached" before he discarded me.... 
SO WHAT WAS THERE FOR ME TO DO OR SAY?

NOT AT PEACE WITH YOUR LIFE?
THAT'S WHY YOU TRY TO TRIGGER ME?

IF THEY WERE, SERIOUSLY, 
THEY WOULD FEEL NO "NEED"
TO TRY TO TRIGGER ME. PERIOD. 

THEY'D BE TOO BUSY VIBING TO NEED TO....
DO ANYTHING ELSE. 

MOST OF THE PEOPLE WHO "HATE" ME.....
CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU WHY THEY DO!
BECAUSE THEY DON'T EVEN FKN KNOW!

BECAUSE THEY CAN'T SAY THAT I'VE DONE
FK ALL TO THEM.

They can talk behind my back..... TEEHEE. TEEHEE.
They can say whatever they want to. 

They are mad because they can't "control" me.
WHY SHOULD I FKN LET YOU?
JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT TO?

SHOULDN'T YOU BE......... CONTROLLING.....
YOURSELF? 

BECAUSE..... IF YOU WERE......
YOU WOULDN'T...... NEED TO,,,,,
OR WANT TO....... "CONTROL" ME.

THEY ARE AFFECTED..... BY HOW FAR I'VE COME.
AND THEY ARE ALLOWED TO BE.
IF THEY WANT TO BE, I GUESS.

"BOX OF SHAME AND REGRET." FK THAT.

BECAUSE I WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE "HAPPY"
OR "SATISFIED" OR ANYTHING
THEY DIDN'T WANT ME TO BE.

WELP, NEVER NEEDED THEIR PERMISSION.

I'M "IN CONTROL" I *BLOCKED* A***!
I'M "IN CONTROL" I TREATED A*** LIKE SH*T!

IS THAT WHAT CONTROL IS?
TO YOU?

IS THAT HEALTHY? OR TOXIC?

LIES ABOUT ME CHANGE NOTHING ABOUT ME OR THEM.

WELP, IF HE WAS READING MY BLOG THE WHOLE TIME....
NEVER THOUGHT HE WOULD BE....

BUT HOW ELSE WOULD HE HAVE ANY KNOWLEDGE?
ABOUT ME? HMMM?

I DON'T ASSOCIATE WITH HIS FRIENDS.... 

WHAT CONFLICT DO I HAVE IN ISOLATION?
INNER CONFLICT. THAT'S IT.
DEALING WITH MY OWN BS.

NOT ANYONE'S BS.

The ammunition: VERBAL AND MENTAL ABUSE.

Wanting to dismantle my reputation....
HOW CAN THEY WHEN THEY AREN'T IN CONTROL
OF THAT?

FKERY BACKFIRES.... BECAUSE THAT SH*T.....
IS WHAT YOU'LL GET BACK.


So... You...... Stay....... In your INTEGRITY.
AND DON'T FK AROUND.

ALL THE ABUSE WAS TO HAVE ME "BOUND"
IN NEGATIVITY AND STRUGGLING
TO EVEN SEE CLEARLY.

OR ELSE WHY TRY TO AFFECT AND ABUSE ME?

BECAUSE I WASN'T "SUPPOSED TO BE" HAPPY.

THAT'S WHY.

Nothing left to do but try to take their sh*t out on me.....?
PLENTY TO FKN DO IF THEY WANTED TO!

WHY WOULD I BE AMUSED....
WHEN SOMEONE ACTS LIKE THEY HAVE A FKN GRUDGE
AGAINST ME FOR NO FKN REASON?

TRIGGERED BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE "ACCESS" TO ME.
WHY IS THAT? BECAUSE.... WHEN THEY HAD IT......
WHAT DID THEY DO? HOW DID THEY ACT?
HOW DID THEY TREAT ME?

THEY WANT TO CELEBRATE WITH ME........
AFTER WALKING ALL OVER ME? FK THAT!!!!!!!!

"SCARE TACTIC"

OH NO! I'VE LOST THEM FOR GOOD!
HE *BLOCKED* ME! 

AM I SUPPOSED TO SIT HERE AND FKN CRY?
OR SOMETHING?

BLOCKED YOURSELF WHEN YOU BLOCKED ME!

IMAGINE THAT!

WANTED ME "ISOLATED" AND "CAST AWAY" AND "CRYING"
BOO FKN HOO! HAPPY? LOL!

WELP, I ENJOY BEING BY MYSELF.....
SO THAT DOES NOT "AFFECT" ME.

SENDING SOMEONE "HATE" FOR NO REASON....
CAN BOUNCE BACK. 

AND THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.
THAT'S ENERGETIC.

MIND GAMES AND TACTICS WON'T GET THEM
ACCESS TO OR CONTROL OVER MY ENERGY.

MY ENERGY IS FOR ME.
I'M ALLOWED TO HAVE IT FOR ME.

THAT IS WHY I DO NOT WANT TO GRANT ACCESS.

Anyone is allowed to deny access to their energy to anyone.

So am I. 

Just.... Bothers me that after not valuing me when I was right there...
Thinking that they could just..... Come back..... 
Not take accountability or address anything.... 
Like usual... 

What did I expect? Really?

I know what I had hoped for,,, 
Initially... 

But..... Here's something.... 

Just because you HOPE for something....
DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN EXPECT IT!

HOPES AND EXPECTATIONS ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS!

Because..... I had hopes for my "love life."
Right?

And those hopes are not..... Expectations. 

COULD I EXPECT A DUDE NOT TO BE A D*CK?
OR.... COULD I HOPE HE ISN'T ONE?

SAME GOES FOR HOES.
YOU CAN HOPE A B*TCH IS NOT A HOE....
BUT YOU CANNOT EXPECT A HOE
NOT TO BE A HOE.

GET IT? GOOD!

I CAN'T EXPECT A D*CK NOT TO BE A D*CK.
RIGHT?

I COULD HOPE..... THE DUDE.....
IS,.... NOT...... A D*CK.......

BUT UNTIL I KNOW......
I DON'T.

I CAN ONLY HOPE. 

BUT BASIC DECENCY.......
SHOULD BE........
COMMON......
SENSE.

JUST THAT.

It's very rare that what you hope for is something you can expect.
VERY RARE.

AND PEOPLE ARE NOT MIND READERS.

AND NOR ARE THEY OBLIGATED.....
TO GIVE ANYTHING OR DO ANYTHING.

EXPECTING IT..... JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT IT.....
IS ENTITLEMENT.

NOBODY IS ENTITLED TO SOMETHING
JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT IT.

IT DOES NOT WORK LIKE THAT.

IF I EXPECTED A RELATIONSHIP.....
OR A PARTNERSHIP
OR ANYTHING OTHER THAN JUST.......
BASIC FKN DECENCY.....

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN ONE THING.
YEAH.... I WAS INTERESTED.....
IN SEEING WHERE IT WENT.....
SURE. I WAS.

BUT IF I EXPECTED "FOREVER" OR SOMETHING....

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT. 

I SAW WHERE IT WENT. 
THAT IS OKAY.

WHY WOULD THAT NOT BE OKAY????!!!!
THERE WOULD BE SOMETHING WRONG IF IT WASN'T!

I mean... I can.... "not want to be with someone romantically"
WITHOUT BEING A FKN TW@T TO THEM.

RIGHT? THAT IS THE POINT.