Mind Shift (Part 3)

Why would I "compete"
when it's hard enough just to "exist"?

Would be nice to just be allowed to exist
WITHOUT 1/8 OF THE BS. AT LEAST.

When I'm upset, I could write about it
OR "ACT OUT" LIKE I'M "EXPECTED" TO.

WHAT DO YOU THINK I DO?

I COULD HAVE CALLED HIM OUT A LONG TIME AGO!
RIGHT?

DID I?

HE COULD HAVE LEFT ME ALONE
AND I PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE SAID ANYTHING!

RIGHT?

THEY ARE AFRAID BECAUSE I SEE WHAT THEY ARE DOING!
THEY THOUGHT I WOULDN'T SEE IT, MAYBE. BUT I DO!

SOME OF IT IS OBVIOUS.
SOME OF IT WAS SUBTLE.

SOME OF IT... IT TOOK ME A WHILE...
BECAUSE I DON'T THINK LIKE THAT.

I DON'T THINK LIKE AN OPPORTUNIST.
BECAUSE I'M NOT ONE.

I HAD TO THINK ABOUT A LOT OF THAT STUFF.
FOR THE FIRST TIME.... MORE AND MORE.

OPPORTUNISTS WANT THINGS.

I HAD TO THINK ABOUT THE THINGS PEOPLE WANT...
TOOK A WHILE.
BECAUSE WHAT SOME PEOPLE WANT....
I DON'T GAF ABOUT.

SOME PEOPLE REALLY GIVE TOO MUCH OF A FK ABOUT IT.

DID I USED TO CARE ABOUT SOME THINGS?

SOME THINGS.
NOT EVERYTHING.

IF I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT LIKE THIS...
THERE IS A REASON I'M THINKING ABOUT IT.

WHAT MOST OF IT IS... IS INFO.
THEY WANT TO KNOW WHAT I KNOW.
WHAT I "REMEMBER."
FROM "THEN."

HOW I CAN BALANCE THINGS OUT.
THAT'S FOR ME.

I COULDN'T EXPLAIN THAT IN 
THE WAY THAT'D MAKE THE MOST SENSE.

NOT RIGHT NOW, MAYBE FOR A DEEPER POST.
NOT THIS ONE.

TONIGHT'S ABOUT RESTING.

HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO REST
HAVING TO DEAL WITH THAT BS?

AGAIN?

PEOPLE THINK XYZ ABOUT ME
BASED ON HOW I LOOK.

DO I CONTROL HOW I LOOK?
OR DO I JUST LOOK HOW I LOOK?

MISHANDLED BECAUSE I WAS MISLABELED.

SURE, I KNOW SOME DUDES.
I ASSOCIATE WITH SOME MALE FRIENDS.

PEOPLE I TRUST WHO I CAN CHILL WITH.
ACTUAL FRIENDS.

THEM BEING A DUDE AND ME BEING A FEMALE
DOESN'T MEAN I WANT TO FK MY FRIENDS FFS.

I'M NOT THE MOST ATTRACTIVE, 
BUT I'M NOT LOOKING AT MYSELF AS ANYTHING, EITHER.

NOT TRYING TO BE ANYTHING.
JUST A WRITER.

AND IF SOMEONE DOES NOT TRUST ME...
I'M NOT GOING TO FORCE THEM TO.

THERE WERE ONLY A FEW DUDES I HAD CONSIDERED DATING.
IN THE LAST 15 OR SO YEARS.

BEEN GOOD ON MY OWN LATELY.
LESS STRESS.

CAN'T EVEN TALK TO MOST PEOPLE.
MOST PEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOW ME.

MOST PEOPLE ASSUME THINGS....
THEY ASSUME WHATEVER SOMETHING "IMPLIES."

WITHOUT ASKING ME WHATEVER.

STRANGE.

COULD BE AS EASY AS TO ASK.

RIGHT?

I DON'T USUALLY TELL PEOPLE VERY MUCH ANYMORE.
MOST DON'T LISTEN.

IF THEY ASK, THEY WANT TO KNOW!
RIGHT?

THEN THEY'LL LISTEN?

I'VE HAD A LOT OF TIME TO THINK THIS WEEK.

THE PRISM STUFF CAME OUT ALRIGHT, I THINK.
I THINK I EXPLAINED IT OKAY.

THAT WAS A DECENT POST.

JUST WAS BUGGING ME THAT I EVEN HAD THAT CRAP ON MY MIND.
BECAUSE I CAN'T HAVE ALL THINGS ON MY MIND
AT THE SAME TIME...

AND I HAVE OTHER THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
I THINK THAT'S WHAT WAS BUGGING ME!

THAT'S WHY I WANT TO SHIFT MY MIND OFF OF IT.
THAT'S WHY I'M TRYING TO REST TONIGHT.

AND NOT GO VERY DEEP TONIGHT.

HOW CAN HE BE ALL LIKE... THINKING I'D WAIT????

GRRR. I'D RATHER BE THINKING ABOUT OTHER THINGS!

I SWEAR PEOPLE DO THAT SH*T ON PURPOSE!

Anyway... It seems some people WANT me to argue with them....

BECAUSE THEY WANT ME TO EVENTUALLY AGREE WITH THEM!

AND IT BUGGED THEM THAT I DON'T!

BUT AM I SUPPOSED TO ARGUE WITH THEM
JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT ME TO ARGUE WITH THEM?

I ALSO... CAN'T DECIDE FOR PEOPLE.
WHAT OR WHO MATTERS TO THEM AND WHO DOESN'T.

CAN'T FORCE THEM TO CARE.

BUT SHOULD I CARE IF THEY DO OR NOT?

SOME KINDNESS WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL, THOUGH.
THOUGHT THAT SHOULDN'T BE HARD.

DIDN'T SEEM TO BE THAT HARD, DECENCY...

A LONG TIME AGO.....
UNLESS I HAD SOME LIMITED SCOPE.

PROBABLY DID!

BESIDES REST, WHAT DO I NEED?

DO I NEED HIM TO ACKNOWLEDGE ANYTHING?
TO BE ABLE TO FIND PEACE FOR MYSELF?

THAT WON'T HAPPEN!

IF IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN, IT WOULD HAVE.
DO I TRULY NEED HIM TO ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND ANYTHING?

ANYTHING I WAS SAYING? THE WHOLE TIME?
IF HE WAS GOING TO... HE WOULD HAVE!

WHAT I WANTED?
WAS FOR HIM TO UNDERSTAND
WHY SOMETHING MIGHT HAVE STUNG?

DID I WANT HIM TO "HURT" LIKE I DID?
NO?

I WISHED HIM WELL!
I DIDN'T EXPLICITLY TELL HIM TO FK RIGHT OFF!

RIGHT?

IF I WANTED TO WISH XYZ ON HIM....
I WOULD HAVE?

BUT? I WANTED TO WISH HIM WELL?

I HAD TO LEARN TO LIVE DIFFERENTLY
IN THE LAST 12 YEARS

BECAUSE OF SOME OTHER PEOPLE.
AFTER HIM.

RIGHT?

BUT DO I REALLY NEED THE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT?

NOT REALLY!

WAS I LOOKING FOR IT?

MAYBE A PART OF ME WAS....

BUT I JUST WANTED SOME FKN UNDERSTANDING!!!!!!!!

TO ME, CERTAIN THINGS SHOULD NOT BE HARD TO UNDERSTAND.

IF I WANTED HIM TO FACE THE MUSIC OR WHATEVER....
I WOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING TO HIM OR ABOUT HIM.

BUT I ONLY EVEN SPOKE TO THE DUDE
BECAUSE HE "POPPED UP."

NOT BECAUSE I WAS EVEN INTERESTED IN ANYTHING
HE ACTUALLY HAD TO SAY TO ME.

DID IT MATTER?
NOTHING HE DID SEEMED TO.
NOTHING I FELT SEEMED TO.

SEEMED HE WANTED MY LOYALTY....
BUT I DON'T TRUST EASY LIKE THAT.

I USED TO.

I HAVE TO STRUGGLE JUST TO REMEMBER
WHAT PEACE IS SUPPOSED TO FEEL LIKE

BECAUSE I SPENT TOO LONG BEING EXPECTED
TO PUT UP WITH BS.

WAY TOO LONG.

It matters more that I get to acknowledge it.

WAR...
Witness, Acknowledge, Release.

I can acknowledge things by writing about them.
I can release it again.

Witnessing it is just experiencing it.

Anyway. It is a "processing" trick.

PEACE DOES NOT REQUIRE THEIR AGREEMENT.
I DON'T NEED THEIR PERMISSION
TO BE AT PEACE. 

PEACE IS SOMETHING I CAN CHOOSE FOR MYSELF.
WITH OR WITHOUT ANYONE.

BUT IT'S NOT UP TO THEM.
HOW I FIND IT,
HOW I MAINTAIN IT WHEN I DO.
INTERNALLY.

Maybe I'll write about that one day.
But I guess I'd like to be closer to that before I do.

I saw EyeBall today lol.

A dude I made a joke with in the elevator one day.

I had something in my eye.

"I got something in my eyeball."
"Sorry to hear that."
"It's better than having an eyeball in my something."

We both laughed. 

Sometimes I blurt stuff out like that.

When I'm in a good mood.

Like I said, I had to think about what some people could want.
BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT ANY OF THAT.

Some people want power and control.

I DON'T WANT IT BECAUSE I HAVE MY OWN.
MY INNER POWER AND SELF-CONTROL.

THAT IS WHY I DON'T WANT IT. I HAVE THAT.
THAT'S WHY I DON'T HAVE TO FIGHT ANYONE
ABOUT THE TRUTH.

HE WANTED ME TO BE IN A CYCLE
WHERE HE WANTED TO BE HEARD
BUT WOULD NEVER LISTEN TO ME.

BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO.

UNABLE TO HEAR ANYTHING
THAT DIDN'T "ALIGN" WITH HIS "REALITY."

THAT'S WHY NOTHING WAS GOING TO CHANGE!

AND IF I JUST WANTED TO BE HEARD AND UNDERSTOOD....
AND IF THAT WASN'T GOING TO HAPPEN...
BECAUSE THERE WAS ZERO EMOTIONAL MATURITY.

IF HE TOLD ME XYZ.... AND HE WANTED ME TO THINK ABOUT IT....

JUST THAT.... WOULD I NOT THINK ABOUT IT?

INSTEAD OF TELLING HIM WHAT I THOUGHT 
HE WANTED TO HEAR?

IF SOMEONE'S SO FULL OF BS
THAT THEY CAN'T SEE THEIR OWN BS.....

WHAT CAN YOU TELL THEM?
TO GET THEM TO SEE IT?

ANYTHING?

WORDS ARE WORDS....
BUT ACTIONS ARE ACTIONS.

IF THEY DON'T MATCH....
THAT IS FOR A REASON.

HE WASN'T GOING TO CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!
I DID!!!!!!!!!!

AND BECAUSE I DID.....
I WAS HOPING HE WOULD, TOO!

BUT DO MOST PEOPLE EVEN KNOW HOW TO CHANGE?

WHEN THEY ARE SO SUPERFICIAL?
TOO SHALLOW?

IF HE WAS DEEP.... HE WOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT IT!

I WOULD HAVE BEEN ALLOWED TO SAY IT!
AND HE WOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT IT!

WE DON'T OPERATE FROM THE SAME PLACE.

HE WANTED ACCESS TO MY ENERGY.
IT WASN'T ABOUT ME.

IF IT WAS ABOUT ME, HE WOULD HAVE HEARD ME!

SOME PEOPLE SEE SOME THINGS ABOUT ME, TOO.
SOME THINGS THAT THEY WANT.

BUT THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO ATTAIN IT.

BUT??????? THEY WON'T LISTEN.....

SO I COULDN'T TELL THEM....
EVEN IF THEY WANTED TO KNOW!!!!!!!!!

RESPECT = HEARING WHAT THEY ARE SAYING.

CARING!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THEY ARE SAYING!

ENOUGH TO???? UNDERSTAND IT!

BUT? NOT EVERYONE IS ON THE SAME LEVEL.

HE WANTED MY LOYALTY! NOT ME! RIGHT?

PEOPLE LIKE THINGS ABOUT ME!
THEY LIKE MY PATIENCE SO MUCH.....
THEY LIKE BEING SUPPORTED EMOTIONALLY!
THEY LIKE HAVING MY CONSIDERATION!
THEY LIKE MY HONESTY!
THEY LIKE THAT I AM FAIR!
MORE THAN FAIR!

THEY LIKE THAT I DON'T OPERATE
LIKE A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE DO!

CAN DUDES TALK???????
OR DO THEY ONLY KNOW HOW TO ARGUE?
SO THEY CAN BLAME ME
FOR THEIR ARGUING?????

JUST TO CALL ME "DIFFICULT"?

INSTEAD OF THINKING??????
ABOUT WHAT I SAID?????

WAS I DEFENDING MYSELF PUBLICLY?
FOR OTHERS TO HEAR IT?

OR WAS I DOING IT PRIVATELY?

BECAUSE IF THEY HEARD ME
DEFENDING MYSELF.....

THEY MIGHT HAVE KNOWN!!!!!!!
WHAT I SAID!!!!!!!!!

AND WHY??????????? MAYBE!

BUT BECAUSE I DID IT PRIVATELY

MY KINDNESS REMINDS THEM
OF HOW FKN LITTLE THEY WERE WILLING TO DO!!!!!!!!!

THEY GOT USED TO GETTING BENEFIT
FROM ME HAVING TO ADJUST
WITHOUT THEM FKN ADJUSTING

SO THEY CREATE REASONS TO "RESENT" ME
WHEN THEY HAD VERY FEW REASONS
TO ACTUALLY RESENT ME.

THEN ALL THE THINGS THEY LIKED ABOUT ME....
THEY TWIST.

TO TRY TO AVOID THEIR OWN SH*T.

THEN THOSE ARE THE EXCUSES THEY USE...
TO TRY TO JUSTIFY THEIR BS.

INSTEAD OF??????
LOOKING AT THEIR BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND ANY TIME I WANTED THEM TO JUST
LOOK AT THEIR BS....

THEY WOULDN'T!!!!!!!!!!!
IT MADE THEM ANGRY THAT I WANTED THEM TO!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEN THEY GET MAD THAT I LEARN
TO LIVE WITHOUT THEM

THEY EXPECT THINGS LIKE FOR ME TO
KEEP REPAIRING 
"THE RELATIONSHIP"

BECAUSE THEY LIKED IT!
THAT I COULD!

SO THEY EXPECTED IT!

THEN?????
I "BECAME" TOO COLD?

BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T APPRECIATE ME?

SO THEY CAN HAVE MY SILENCE?

THEY JUST WANTED ME TO KEEP "CARING"
WITHOUT ANYTHING.

NOT EVEN LOOKING AT THEIR BS!

LIKE TWISTING EVERYTHING ABOUT ME.
JUST TO USE THEM TO REJECT ME.

IS THAT SH*T FAIR? NO?

IF PEOPLE CAN ACT LIKE I DON'T MATTER......
I CAN DO THAT TO THEM!

THEY WANT MY ATTENTION, THOUGH.
RIGHT?

MY ENERGY. 
THE THINGS THEY LIKE.

WELL? I LIKE SOME THINGS, TOO!

THEY THOUGHT MY FEELINGS FOR THEM......
WOULD JUST "KEEP ME THERE."

KNOWING I WASN'T "HAPPY"
BUT REFUSED TO REALIZE WHY?

CARING ABOUT SOMEONE
DOESN'T MEAN I SHOULD HAVE JUST
KEPT ACCEPTING
EVERYTHING THEY EXPECT ME TO!

"IF A*** HAS BEEN TREATED UNFAIRLY...
SHE WOULD DEFEND HERSELF!"

AND DIDN'T I ALREADY EXPLAIN MYSELF
TEN MILLION TIMES?

BEFORE I STOPPED TRYING TO?

DID ANYONE HE LIED TO ME ABOUT......
AND ACCEPTED ALL THE ACCUSATIONS....

EVER ASK ME ANYTHING ABOUT ME?
DID THEY KNOW ME?

THEY JUST KNEW HIM?
AND KNEW HIS EXCUSES?

WERE THEY ASKING HOW
"DIFFICULT" HE WAS BEING?
ON PURPOSE?

BUT THEY TOOK HIS EXCUSES AS FACTS?
WITHOUT ASKING ME ANYTHING?

HE DIDN'T ASK ME ANYTHING.

IF HE HAD, MAYBE HE WOULD UNDERSTAND?
IF THEY HAD, MAYBE THEY WOULD UNDERSTAND?

THEY WANTED PEOPLE
TO AGREE WITH THEIR EXCUSES!

GET IT?

IF I COULDN'T EVEN TELL SOMEONE
HOW I FKN FEEL.... 

BECAUSE THEY FKN DISMISS ME
ALL THE DAMN TIME.....

I'M NOT GOING TO WANT TO
BE "CLOSE" TO THEM.

BECAUSE I COULDN'T FEEL THAT.

I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO DEFEND MYSELF
AND MY FEELINGS
ALL THE FKN TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JUST TO HAVE THAT SH*T TURNED ONTO ME!

JUST TO BE LIED ABOUT!

LIKE DEFENDING MY HONOR.......
WAS THE ISSUE! ABOUT ME!

WHY SHOULD I HAVE HAD TO?

YOU WANT TO DRAG ME THROUGH THE MUD?
AND THEN STILL EXPECT MY LOYALTY?

WOULD YOU NOT FEEL INSULTED?

AND THEREFORE NOT WANT TO BE "CLOSE"
TO SOMEONE WHO CONSTANTLY
INSULTS YOU BY DOING THAT TO YOU?

PUTTING ME ON TRIAL LIKE I'M DOING THE THINGS
THAT THEY ARE DOING
JUST FOR HAVING AN ISSUE WITH SOMETHING
THEY ARE DOING
AND THEY ARE UPSET ABOUT IT.

AND I CAN RECONSIDER MY OPINIONS.

I'M GOING TO SEE HOW HE'S MAKING HIMSELF LOOK!
IF HE'S GOING TO MAKE HIMSELF LOOK LIKE
HE'S SOMEONE WHO WOULD DO XYZ..... 

THEN???? HE'S SOMEONE WHO WOULD DO XYZ!

SHOULDN'T I DEFEND MYSELF TO PEOPLE WHO WON'T LISTEN?
OR DEFEND ANYTHING ABOUT MYSELF
TO PEOPLE WHO WON'T LISTEN?

WOULD THERE BE A POINT IN DOING THAT?
IF THEY WON'T LISTEN...
IT SHOWS ME THEY ARE NOT PEOPLE WHO LISTEN!

SO THERE IS NO POINT IN DOING IT.

ESPECIALLY IF I ALREADY DEFENDED MYSELF, 
BEFORE.... MANY TIMES I TRIED TO.... 

BUT? DID THEY LISTEN?

SO????? WAS THERE A POINT?

IF THEY WERE GOING TO TREAT ME
AS THOUGH I HAD TO DEFEND MYSELF CONSTANTLY

EVEN DEFEND MY OWN THOUGHTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND STILL WOULDN'T LISTEN!!!!!!!!!!!!
OR PAY ATTENTION!!!!!!!!!!!

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO LISTEN
IS PAY ATTENTION!!!!!!!!!!!

FFS!!!!!!!!

RIGHT?

IF THEY WERE GOING TO TREAT ME LIKE THAT
AND LIKE NOTHING I SAID MATTERED ANYWAY
BECAUSE I APPARENTLY DON'T MATTER
IF NOTHING I SAY SEEMS TO MATTER

RIGHT?

SOME FKN BS RIGHT THERE!
TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT!

CONSTANTLY!

WOULD THEY WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT?
BY ME OR ANYONE ELSE?

NO?

BUT STILL WANT MY LOYALTY?????

GTFOH!

LIKE I SAID.....
THEY LIKE THINGS ABOUT ME....
AND THEY WANT THOSE THINGS...
BECAUSE THEY MISS THOSE THINGS....

ABOUT ME.....

BUT?????
IT WAS NEVER ABOUT ME.

JUST THOSE THINGS ABOUT ME.

THAT IS WHAT P*SSES ME OFF.

BECAUSE IT SHOULD BE ABOUT ME, TOO!
NOT JUST THOSE THINGS ABOUT ME!

BECAUSE THAT SH*T IS NOT FAIR!

RIGHT?

WOULD THAT BE FAIR?
IF I WERE ONLY INTERESTED IN THE "GOOD THINGS"
ABOUT A DUDE?

AND NOT THE DUDE, TOO?

IF I JUST DISREGARDED THE WHOLE DUDE....
AND JUST FOCUSED ON THE THINGS ABOUT HIM?
THE THINGS THAT I LIKE ABOUT HIM?

AND THEN GET MAD THAT HE DIDN'T OWE ME
THOSE THINGS ABOUT HIM?

IF I ACTED LIKE THAT?
TO HIM?

WELL? WHEN YOU DISCARD THE WHOLE GIRL....
YOU DON'T GO MISSING THE THINGS
ABOUT HER THAT YOU LIKED....

BECAUSE SHE'S NOT THOSE THINGS...
SHE IS HER.

THOSE WERE BONUS THINGS.

ABOUT HER.

NOT HER.

NOT THE SAME THING!

BECAUSE SHE IS NOT A THING!
OR THINGS ABOUT HER!

SHE IS AN ACTUAL HUMAN BEING.
A PERSON.

NOT SOMEONE TO HANG EXCUSES ON
TO TRY TO JUSTIFY
BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A PERSON!!!!!!!!!!

IF SHE "CAN'T" MATTER TO YOU....
BECAUSE YOU "CAN'T" CONSIDER HER
AN ACTUAL PERSON....

LET HER ACTUALLY MATTER!
AS THOUGH YOU WOULD WANT TO MATTER!
TO HER!

ONLY FAIR!

YES, WHEN THINGS ARE NOT FAIR
A WOMAN HAS A RIGHT TO BE UPSET ABOUT IT!

ABOUT NOT "MATTERING"
WHEN SHE HAS A RIGHT TO FKN MATTER!
FFS!

IF WOMEN DON'T..... WHY SHOULD MEN?
IF MEN DON'T.... WHY SHOULD WOMEN?

WOULD IT BE FAIR?
IF ONE MATTERED MORE THAN THE OTHER????

THEN????? HOW WOULD IT BE "FAIR" TO ME
IF I AM BEING TREATED LIKE I DON'T MATTER?

IF NOTHING I SAY "MATTERS"?
OR NOTHING I DO "MATTERS"?
OR NOTHING I ALREADY HAVEN'T DONE
TO ALREADY PROVE MYSELF? FFS?

BUT LIKE THINGS ABOUT ME, ALL TF YOU WANT!
AND THEN GET MAD????
THAT I NEVER OWE YOU THOSE THINGS?
ABOUT ME?

BUT THEN REFUSE TO SEE ME AS A PERSON?
JUST LIKE YOU?

WHO HAS FEELINGS JUST LIKE YOU?

WTF IS THAT BS????????
CAN THEY STOP WITH THAT BS?????????

EVER?????????

TODAY????????

FOREVER???????????

I SHOULD HAVE MATTERED!
NOT JUST EVERYTHING THEY LIKED ABOUT ME!

EASY TO MISS THE THINGS YOU LIKED!!!!!!!111 FFS!!!!!!!!!

NOT THE SAME THING AS MATTERING TO YOU!!!!!!!!
AND NOT THE SAME AS....
WANTING TO TREAT ME
AS THOUGH I MATTERED......
NOT JUST WHAT YOU LIKED ABOUT ME......
UNTIL I BECAME SOMEONE
WHO COULD JUST EXIST
WITHOUT THAT.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANTED.

I WANTED TO FKN MATTER TOO.
NOT JUST EVERYTHING ABOUT ME.

BECAUSE I KNOW HOW TO BE KIND, NICE, ETC.
IT TAKES ME A LOT MORE THAN ANYONE KNOWS
TO EVER GET CLOSE TO FKN ANYONE
ANYMORE.
WHENEVER I DID..... DID THAT MATTER?

IN THE END, IT DIDN'T MATTER.

APPARENTLY.

SO MY TRUST WENT OUT THE WINDOW, TOO.

IF I CAN'T TRUST SOMEONE WITH WHO I AM....
CAN I TRUST THEM?

WITH HOW I FEEL AND WHY?
CAN I TRUST THEM?

YES OR NO?

BECAUSE IF I COULD TRUST THEM WITH THAT....
IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SUCH A B*TCH....
FOR THEM TO UNDERSTAND THAT, RIGHT?

IT BEING A B*TCH TO UNDERSTAND ME...
DOES NOT MAKE ME A B*TCH.

JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR ON THAT....

BECAUSE IF YOU UNDERSTOOD ME....
MAYBE YOU MIGHT SEE THINGS
ABOUT YOURSELF....

AND THAT IS WHY A LOT OF PEOPLE RESENT ME.
I AM LIKE A MIRROR TO THEM.
THE MIRROR THEY DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT
BECAUSE I AM VERY HONEST.

EVEN TO MY DETRIMENT.

BECAUSE THEY RESENT ME FOR IT.

BUT.... DO YOU RESENT ME?
OR DO YOU RESENT THE TRUTH?

BECAUSE THOSE ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS.

AND FOR WHATEVER REASON...
A LOT OF PEOPLE CAN'T SEEM
TO TELL THOSE APART.

OR OTHER THINGS APART.

I CAN. 

IT MAKES THEM ANGRY THAT THEY CAN'T....

BUT IF THEY LISTENED....
MAYBE THEY COULD.

"WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"
SO YOU CAN DO THE THINGS I DO!
FKTARDED? OR WHAT?

SINCE YOU SEEM TO RESENT ME
ALL OF A SUDDEN....

WHY ARE SOME MEN....
SEEMINGLY SO SCARED.....
OF A WOMAN.....
HAVING A POINT?

HAVING ANY... INTELLIGENCE?
WHY ARE THEY "THREATENED" BY THAT?
WHY BE "INTIMIDATED" BY THAT?

WHY NOT BE INSPIRED BY THAT!?

WHAT IS IT ABOUT TAKING SOME INSPIRATION
IS "THREATENING"
TO SOME MEN?

NOT ALL MEN! SOME MEN!

WHAT KIND OF INSPIRATION?
THE KIND THAT LEADS TO UNDERSTANDING?

SO THAT YOU CAN SEE HER AS HER
NOT JUST THINGS ABOUT HER?

STARTING WITH THAT WOULD BE AWESOME!

BECAUSE HAVING THINGS TWISTED ABOUT HER
ISN'T GOING TO GET YOU TO SEE HER AS SHE IS
AND ALWAYS ACTUALLY WAS...

AND PEOPLE WILL TRY TO LOOK FOR THINGS
THAT DON'T EXIST
BECAUSE THEY THINK THERE MUST BE SOMETHING...
"SHE CAN'T POSSIBLY JUST BE WHO SHE IS..."
SO THEY LOOK FOR NOTHING LOL.

IT IS AMUSING SOMETIMES.
BUT THE FACT THAT IT KEEPS HAPPENING...
ISN'T REALLY AMUSING.

WELL IF THEY WEREN'T SO BUSY....
WITH RESENTING ME FOR STUPID REASONS....
OR JUST TRYING TO HAVE ME AROUND
BECAUSE YOU LIKE SOME THINGS ABOUT ME....
FORGOT THAT I'M A PERSON TOO.
NOT JUST THINGS YOU LIKED.

THAT ISN'T AMUSING, EITHER.

OR MAKING EXCUSES TO JUSTIFY BS.....

THEN MAYBE YOU WOULD HAVE HAD THE TIME
TO ASK ME AND LISTEN TO WHAT I HAD TO SAY.

"WHY ARE YOU UPSET RIGHT NOW?"

"WELL, XYZ IS BS.... BUT? WOULD YOU LISTEN?"

NO? YOU WOULDN'T?
SO IS THERE A POINT?

IF I DON'T SEE A POINT, I DON'T SEE ONE.
UNLESS YOU GET ME TO SEE IT....
BY SHOWING ME THAT YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M SAYING....

I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DEFEND MYSELF
JUST TO BE HEARD.

THAT. FOR A START.

BECAUSE THAT.... P*SSES ME OFF.

INSTEAD OF JUST UNDERSTANDING ME....
THEY SEEM TO TRY TO MARTYR THEMSELVES
FOR JEALOUS HOES.

SOME OTHER BS, TOO, 

BUT THAT WAS THEIR CHOICE LOL.

AND THEN THEY BLAME ME FOR THEIR CHOICES?

NO......... THEIR CHOICE.....
WAS THEIR CHOICE?

NOT ANYONE'S CHOICE TO MAKE FOR YOU!
YOURS!

IF YOU LET SOME JEALOUS HOE CHOOSE FOR YOU...
THAT IS A CHOICE.

RIGHT?

JUST LIKE YOUR CHOICE NOT TO LISTEN TO ME?
BECAUSE? I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU THAT....

BUT? DIDN'T WANT TO LISTEN?

THE ONES WHO DON'T WANT CONTROL OVER YOU
WANT YOU TO MAKE YOUR OWN DAMN CHOICES!

BUT IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO LISTEN, 
THAT'S ON YOU.

IF IT IS A "FIGHT" JUST TO BE HEARD....
WHY WOULD I KEEP BOTHERING
TRYING TO TELL THEM ANYTHING?

THEY CAN SERIOUSLY FK RIGHT OFF
IF THEY DON'T WANT TO LISTEN

BECAUSE I WOULDN'T TELL THEM SOME BS.

I DON'T DO SH*T THAT I KNOW I SHOULDN'T DO.
WHY? I HAVE WISED UP TO A LOT....

HAVING HAD A LOT OF BS DONE TO ME.
FOR A LOT OF BS REASONS.

JUST TO INTERFERE.

WELL, HAVE FUN WITH THAT, B*TCH
BECAUSE HE DOESN'T LISTEN.

HAVING SO MUCH TO SAY ABOUT ME....
BUT WANTING TO BE ME...

AND WANTING WHAT I HAD?
JUST BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TO?

WTF IS THAT?

HOW DO YOU THINK SOMEONE
WILL TRY TO COME AT YOU?

THROUGH SOMETHING THEY WANT.

BECAUSE THEY ONLY CARE ABOUT WHAT THEY WANT.
RIGHT?

SO THEY HAVE TO INTERFERE?

THEY WANT TO SEE SOME THINGS.
TO DO SOME THINGS.

THAT IS WHAT THEY WANTED.
THEY DIDN'T WANT TO BE WITH HIM.

IT WAS A GAME.

BUT? "WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"
WELP, WHY DIDN'T YOU?

BECAUSE.... YOU DIDN'T WANT TO?

JEALOUS HOES SHOULDN'T
TRY TO COPY AND INTERFERE....

THEY SHOULD JUST LEARN
NOT TO BE A JEALOUS HOE.

BECAUSE EVENTUALLY THEY WILL....
SEE.... THAT THEY WERE.... TRYING TO....

DO THE THINGS THEY WERE DOING.

I'M A TARGET FOR THAT.

BECAUSE THE THINGS ABOUT ME
THAT MOST PEOPLE LIKE ABOUT ME...

ARE PRETTY EASY TO SEE.... 

BUT THEY AREN'T THEM. 

THINGS ABOUT PEOPLE...
ARE NOT THE PEOPLE.

THAT IS WHAT I WAS SAYING.

BUT? "WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

EASY TO FALL FOR GAMES
BUT HARDER TO SEE WHAT ISN'T ONE?

SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

WHEN THEY ACTUALLY LIKE THINGS I DON'T....
ARE THEY ME? NO?

IF THEY TRY TO COMPETE... ARE THEY ME?

NO? BECAUSE I DON'T DO THAT?

WHY TALK DOWN TO SOMEONE...
TALK THE MOST SH*T ABOUT ME....
BUT WANT TO BE "BETTER" THAN ME?

AM I TRYING TO BE "BETTER" THAN ANYONE?

WHY ARE THEY TALKING SH*T?

DO I NEED TO TALK SH*T?
NO?

DO I SOMETIMES? MAYBE...
BUT DO I TALK SH*T JUST TO TALK SH*T?

BUT THE POINT IS THAT I'M BEING HONEST.
NOT TWISTING ANYTHING ABOUT ANYONE.

WHY TRY TO DIG DIRT ON ME? 
TO USE IT?

I KNOW WHY PEOPLE DO THAT SH*T!

I DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT SH*T, 
BUT THERE ARE SOME THINGS I WILL DO.

I'M TOO BUSY BEING MYSELF.
I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE SOME JEALOUS HOE.
Y'KNOW?

WHY WOULDN'T I WANT TO BE MYSELF?

BUGS ME I GET RESENTED AND TARGETED FOR IT....
AND SOME OTHER STUFF....

BUT I'M HAPPIER JUST BEING MYSELF.

SURE, THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE TO TAKE INSPIRATION FROM
BUT IT'S MORE TO CONSIDER SOME THINGS
ABOUT OURSELVES.

NOT TO TRY TO "DUPLICATE" OR "REPLICATE."
A REPLICATION ISN'T "THE REAL THING."

RIGHT?

I'M NOT A REPLICATION OF ANYONE.

I'M JUST MYSELF.

AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T EVEN LIKE THEMSELVES
AND DON'T WANT TO BE THEMSELVES
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WORK ON THINGS ABOUT THEMSELVES
SO THEY LOOK FOR THINGS TO TRY TO REPLICATE
INSTEAD OF LOOKING AT THEMSELVES.

THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT IT TAKES......
WHAT IT TAKES IS WHAT IT TAKES!

YOU CAN'T DUPLICATE SOMEONE'S ACTUAL FEELINGS
FOR SOMEONE ELSE.

THOSE WERE REAL.
NOT FAKE.

BUT "WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

"BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO LEVEL UP, FKTARD!"
THAT'S WHAT WE'RE HERE FOR.
NOT FOR BS.

"WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?" IS BS.

SHOULD I DO THAT SH*T TO THEM?
"WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

WOULD THAT BE FAIR? 

I MEAN.... 
IF THEY THINK THEY'LL GAIN "MORE"
SOMEWHERE ELSE....

BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO LISTEN
TO PEOPLE WHO WANTED TO RAILROAD ME...

YOU CAN THINK THAT.

WHY DID THEY WANT TO RAILROAD ME, THOUGH?

SO THAT YOU WOULDN'T LISTEN TO ME?

HMMM.

WHY WOULD THEY WANT YOU
NOT TO LISTEN TO ME?

HMMM.

BECAUSE I WAS BEING HONEST....
AND.... TALKING SENSE INTO YOU.

"SHE'S GOING TO GET HIM TO SEE WHAT I'M DOING."
BETTER GET THEM APART!

YOU THINK THAT HASN'T HAPPENED BEFORE?

IT HAS!

BECAUSE? "WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

COMES FROM? "WHY SHOULD YOU LISTEN TO HER?"

COMES FROM? "LISTEN TO ME INSTEAD."

COMES FROM? "I'M RIGHT! THEY'RE WRONG!"

AND MANY OTHER MANIPULATIONS
AND DISTORTIONS
OF THE TRUTH.

BUT? THE TRUTH IS STILL THE TRUTH....
EVEN AFTER IT'S BEEN DISTORTED.

SHOULD I HAVE TO DEFEND MY WORTH
TO PEOPLE WHO CAN'T RECOGNIZE IT?

OR TO PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT ME
TO RECOGNIZE IT?

NO? 

THEN? WHY SHOULD I?
SO THEN? I DON'T HAVE TO.

RIGHT?

HERE'S SOMETHING....
TIME IS SOMETHING YOU CAN'T GET BACK.

EVEN THOUGH I COULD MAKE MANY POINTS.
BUT DO I HAVE TO MAKE THEM?
JUST TO BE "APPROVED" BY SOMEONE
WHO WANTED ME TO CHOOSE "DRAMA"
OVER SELF-RESPECT?

EXPECTING ME TO BE MISERABLE
JUST BECAUSE THEY BOUNCED?

SURE! I STUNG....
BUT???? I CAN ENJOY MY THINGS?
THINGS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH
THEM RECOGNIZING MY VALUE.

THINKING THAT I'D ALWAYS GOING TO BE THERE...
"NO MATTER WHAT"
ISN'T THE SAME AS BEING APPRECIATED
AS A PERSON.

YES, EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTING.
DISAPPOINTING.

BUT? MY LIFE DOESN'T "REVOLVE"
AROUND THEM!

AROUND ANYONE WHO'D UNDERESTIMATE ME!

MOST PEOPLE THINK I "NEED" THEM
IN SOME WAY
TO HANDLE THEIR BS
OR SOMETHING....
THEIR BS DOESN'T DEFINE ME.

EVEN MY OWN BS DOESN'T DEFINE ME,

THEY THOUGHT THAT BECAUSE I CARED....
THEY COULD "PREDICT" ME OR SOMETHING.

THAT'S SOME BS. TO THINK THAT.

BUT HEY... THINK ALL KINDS OF BS ABOUT ME.
GO AHEAD.

THEY'RE NOT THE ONLY ONES WHO THOUGHT BS ABOUT ME.

VERY EASY TO THINK BS ABOUT ME!
HARDER TO "KNOW" ANYTHING ABOUT ME.

YES, I'VE HAD TO "DEAL" WITH THIS.

WOULD I RATHER PEOPLE "KNOW" THINGS ABOUT ME?
THAN THINK BS ABOUT ME?

YES, BUT HOW WOULD THEY KNOW?

MOST PEOPLE ARE SO BUSY THINKING BS ABOUT ME
TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME.

I'VE LEARNED A LOT FROM THE BS.

I'D RATHER NOT HAVE HAD TO "DEAL" WITH ANY OF THAT...

BUT? "I COULD HAVE TREATED A*** WITH SOME CONSIDERATION."

DO PEOPLE HAVE TO "SUFFER" IN ANY WAY FOR ME TO HAVE "PEACE"?
DO I NEED TO BE FULLY UNDERSTOOD TO HAVE "PEACE"?
DO I HAVE TO WASTE MY TIME TO PROVE HOW PEOPLE MISHANDLED ME
TO HAVE "PEACE"?

I JUST NEED TO HEAL FROM ALL THE BS.

I DON'T HAVE TO BE ALL LIKE:
"DISAPPOINTMENT! I'M GOING TO CHASE HARDER!"

DO I HAVE TO PROVE MY WORTH DESPERATELY?
"SEE MY WORTH, EVERYONE!!!!!"
"OR I'M GOING TO CEASE TO EXIST!"

"I'M NOT WHO EVERYONE'S MAKING ME SEEM LIKE I AM!"
"I HAVE TO DEFEND MYSELF AGAINST EVERY OPINION!"

AM I DOING THAT?
OR AM I EXISTING, REGARDLESS?

DO I HAVE TO CREATE A HUGE SCENE?
OR MAKE A POINT OF POINTS?

TO BE "APPROVED"?

NO! I DON'T.

DO I NEED TO "DEFEAT" SOMEONE PUBLICLY?

IF I DID..... WOULD I NAME PEOPLE?

STILL PROTECTING THEIR IDENTITY......
EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE FKTARDED?

BECAUSE I CAN MAKE A POINT ABOUT AN EXPERIENCE?
I DON'T HAVE TO MAKE A POINT
ABOUT A PERSON?

BIG DIFFERENCE?
YEAH?

GUESS WHAT? THE POINTS ABOUT THE EXPERIENCES...
MY OWN EXPERIENCES....

ARE TOTALLY VALID!

HMMM!

WHEN A***'S GIVING TO HERSELF,
WHAT DOES THAT LOOK LIKE?

AM I ALLOWED TO?

OR IS EVERYONE GOING TO HAVE AN OPINION
ABOUT THAT?

AM I ALLOWED TO HANDLE THINGS
MY WAY
THAT I GOT PUSHED TO HANDLE?

LIKE ASSUMPTIONS?
AND OTHER THINGS?

I'M NOT OBLIGATED TO CARRY THE WEIGHT
OF OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINIONS.

AND BECAUSE I'M NOT OBLIGATED TO....
I DON'T HAVE TO!

I COULD WHAT?
CHANGE MY PRIORITIES!
CONCENTRATE ON OTHER THINGS!
AND CHANGE MY DIRECTION!

DID I NEED THEIR ATTENTION?
OR DID I NEED MY OWN?

NEVER NEEDED THEIR ATTENTION.
WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL
HAD HE PAID ATTENTION....
BUT I NEVER NEEDED IT.

SO TRYING TO TREAT ME....
LIKE I WANTED IT
BECAUSE I NEEDED IT

IS A FKTARDED WAY TO TREAT ME!
RIGHT?

AND IF SOMEONE'S ACTING FKTARDEDLY....
AND EXPECTING ME TO.....
JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE....

DON'T KNOW ME!

AND THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW ME....
DON'T NEED TO KNOW ME.

ISN'T THERE MUCH MORE TO LIFE
THAN WAITING FOR A FEW PEOPLE
TO "RECOGNIZE" MY VALUE?

I THINK SO!

MUCH MORE TO MINE!

LIKE TEA!
LIKE MARIJUANA!
LIKE WRITING!

LIKE RESTING!

TO REDIRECT!

YES.... I WANTED AN ACTUAL CONNECTION....
BUT I WAS NEVER OBLIGATED
TO SACRIFICE MYSELF AND MY "PEACE" FOR IT.

I CAN BE "OKAY" ON MY OWN.

AND IF THEY AREN'T "OKAY"
THAT IS ABOUT THEM.
NOT ME.

THEY THOUGHT I NEEDED XYZ FROM THEM....
BUT DID I ALREADY HAVE WHAT I HAD?

I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AT A DISADVANTAGE, RIGHT?

EVEN WITH MANY DISADVANTAGES....

I STILL HAVE MANY ADVANTAGES!

PEOPLE WHO ARE SURPRISED.....
NEVER KNEW ME
AND DON'T NEED TO.