Not Used To It

One thing I'm not used to....
Is getting thousands of views.

NOT used to that.

I don't know how that happened. 
How it "blew up" like that. 

Wasn't expecting that, and I'm not used to it.

Not really used to compatibility, either.

I stood by my beliefs and tried to explain them.
TO SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT I WAS SAYING AND WHY.

AND THAT IS OKAY.

I can't expect people to think the way I do.
Or to understand what I'm saying and why.

OR WANT TO BE FRIENDS
IF I DIDN'T THINK LIKE THEM.

I even explained that OTHERS did the same thing.
OVER THE SAME THING.

And what am I supposed to do?
GET MAD? LOL. NO.

I'M JUST... OKAY WITH IT.

OTHERWISE... IF PEOPLE CAN'T TAKE ME
WITH HONESTY, 
THAT IS OKAY.

WITH ME.

I can wish people well, 
and he wished me well. 

Hoped it wouldn't come to that, but I'm okay with that.

That was his choice to make.
And I'm going to be okay, anyway. 

I'd rather KNOW that we have DIFFERENCES
NOW, THAN LATER.

Better for me, better for them.
Just... Better.

Do I dislike him because he thinks differently?
No. 

We were supposed to just be ourselves, but that's okay.

I'm glad that he told me. Just that.

Not angry, just... Okay.
Accepting that.

How could I not?
Being angry about that would be ridiculous. 

I would rather honesty and to be honest.
Which I was, and he was... 

Could I ask for more than that?
No, I can't, really.

Just that IF what I was saying IS TRUE....
THAN PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T UNDERSTAND ME
STILL CHOSE TO PUSH ME AWAY...

BUT THAT IS STILL OKAY WITH ME.

Just.... THIS SEEMS TO HAPPEN
WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE
DIFFERENT BELIEFS THAN MINE.

AND I HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH THAT.

BETTER TO KNOW NOW.
THAN OTHER TIMES WHEN I WAS 
INVESTED IN THE FRIENDSHIP....

LIKE WITH MY FRIEND OF 15 YEARS...

THAT WAS 15 YEARS OF MY LIFE, THOUGH.
SOMEONE I TRUSTED.

I'm not mad that he doesn't see ME.
And can only see some things about me. 

SHOULD I BE MAD ABOUT THAT?

TWO FRIENDS ENDED THEIR FRIENDSHIPS WITH ME
RECENTLY.

ONE BECAUSE HE WANTED TO DATE 
AND I DIDN'T.

AND HE DIDN'T EVEN GET TO KNOW ME AT ALL.
HIS INTENTION WAS TO JUST DATE.

MINE WASN'T.
IT WAS TO GET TO KNOW HIM.

And this time, over different beliefs. 

I didn't want to get into an argument about it.
But that's kinda what happened.

And I can't "convince" anyone to "see" what I'm saying.
And WHY I'm saying it.

Convincing isn't something I'd even do well if I were trying to.

All I can do is just be myself, really. 

And that's pretty much all I can do. 

Just like others can pretty much only be themselves. 

Just would be nice to be myself
EVEN IF I HAVE DIFFERENT BELIEFS.
FOR SPECIFIC REASONS. 

WITHOUT THAT "THREATENING"
OR "ENDING"
MY "FRIENDSHIPS."

That would be nice, but it isn't to be, and that is okay.

It's kinda disappointing, but I guess to be expected. 
At this point. 

Well... I don't know why it "surprised" me before.
Maybe because I didn't expect that to happen...

Let alone keep happening.

It'd be cool if two adults could still find some common ground. 

But sometimes that doesn't happen, and that is okay.

Really though... How can I not accept that? I have to anyway.
But it's better to be able to AND have to.

Not everyone is going to think like I do.
That is okay.

Everyone is allowed to think what and how they'd like to. 
Including me. 

If I have NO value to someone
BECAUSE I think differently than they do....

That is okay. 
They think that.
They can.

I CAN HAVE VALUE TO SOMEONE ELSE.
I AM OKAY WITH THAT.

BETTER TO KNOW NOW.

OPPOSE TO 15 YEARS FROM NOW.

THAT WOULD BE... STILL OKAY....
JUST WOULD HAVE BEEN....

HOW THAT WAS, AT THAT TIME.

BUT I'M OKAY WITH THAT, ALSO.

HE HAD A CHOICE, TOO. 
ABOUT ME.

ABOUT MY VALUE AS A PERSON
TO HIM, TOO. 

I can release people who don't want to be there.
FOR ANY REASON.

Because nobody says they have to be.

If they want to be, they want to be.
If they don't, they don't. 

I was hoping that it wouldn't come to that; it did.
That is okay.

Why would it not?

I'm not angry. Not at all. 
There's nothing to be angry about. Not at all. 

That's just.... That. 

If it was supposed to be, it would just be.
Easily.
And that is that.

I don't really have the ability to change those things.

WHO AM I TO CHANGE THEIR MINDS?
ABOUT THEIR OWN THOUGHTS
EVEN ABOUT ME?

BEEN PRETTY EXHAUSTING. 

Trying to explain things is... Tiring at times. 

So then? I can move on. 

Just that sometimes....
Some people... Push me away....
To see how I would REACT to that.

And if I react well to it?

When they think I'll beg to stay or something?

Not sure...

Sometimes they say: REJECTION IS PROTECTION.

Maybe being pushed away is a push in another direction. 

Somewhere else. Isn't that okay?

But most minimize what I say. 
Not sure why they do it.

And then dismiss it and dismiss ME.

It's happened a lot this year. Many times.

Just another adjustment, I guess.

Does everyone have to want to be or stay? No?

JUST TO KNOW ME AS A PERSON?

No, they don't. Not at all.

And that is okay.

Nobody has to.

Would it be cool if I could have REALLY BEEN ME?
WITHOUT THAT HAPPENING?
YET AGAIN?

But... I'm just going to... Recover from those times. 
They sting sometimes, but that's about it.

Especially when I was hoping XYZ
Wouldn't happen. 

But it could have been worse. 

WE DIDN'T LET EACH OTHER ALL THE WAY IN.
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN WORSE.

Would have stung more.

Like when that dude who I thought was my friend....
15 years into our friendship....

DECIDED HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE FRIENDS
SUDDENLY.

Without a warning or conversation 
or anything.

UNEXPECTED. AFTER 15 YEARS.

YOU'D THINK AFTER 15 YEARS
YOU WOULDN'T BE EXPECTING THAT.

RIGHT?

TWICE, BY THE WAY.

So I had to handle it very calmly.
By just accepting it and moving on.

KEEPING THE MEMORIES.

AND MOVING ON. FROM HIM AND FROM THAT.

FROM THAT TIME OF MY LIFE.

I had thought we were GOOD FRIENDS, EVEN.
SURPRISE TO FIND OUT OTHERWISE.

I thought he VALUED ME AS A FRIEND!
HE SHOWED ME HE DIDN'T.
AND IT MADE ME HAVE TO QUESTION....
IF HE EVER DID.

OVER THOSE 15 YEARS.... 

Y'KNOW?

I had a bad dream one night... 
That one of my friends
TOLD ME THAT HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE FRIENDS ANYMORE.

AND THAT ALL I COULD DO WAS WISH HIM WELL.

AND I WOKE UP PRETTY SAD...

BECAUSE I KNEW I'D MISS HIM.

EVEN THOUGH WE HAVEN'T BEEN
IN EACH OTHER'S LIVES VERY LONG... 

AND WE DON'T KNOW EACH OTHER SUPER WELL, 
BUT I THINK WE CONNECTED AT LEAST AT SOME LEVEL.

WE HAD SOME GOOD TALKS.

HE IS VERY WISE, ACTUALLY.
ALWAYS TREATED ME LIKE A PERSON. 

THAT MATTERS TO ME.

I'm thankful for that.
Not everyone does.

THAT'S VERY RARE.

Anyway, I told him I had that dream.
He said that it was probably a spirit taking my energy
through that dream. 

If he does choose to end our friendship, too, 
I'd have to accept that also.

I would probably miss him, 
but as long as he is happy and well in his life, 
that's all I can hope for.

Well, I can wish him well beyond that, but it would mostly be that.

Sometimes I do get sad. When some things don't turn out how I had hoped, 
but really, I don't have much control over that. 

I mostly hope to be seen for ME, not my beliefs, not anything about me...
JUST ME.

I mostly hope to see other people for THEM.
I mostly hope to be allowed to just be ME.

I mostly hope that they can be THEM, WITH ME.

I mostly hope we can BE PEOPLE.
And treat each other as FRIENDS.

With trust and regard.

There are times I wonder if... Some people push me away...
TO SEE IF I'D "BREAK" WITHOUT THEM.

And then when I don't... Sometimes they get mad.
Not sure why.

But their choice to do it.
That was their choice. 

Anyone can choose to let go
and if they do, they do.

I can do that, too, because they did.

Not because I wanted to; they wanted me to.
Or they would still be there.

GETTING TO KNOW ME.
AS A PERSON.

BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT ME TO BE RIGHT
ABOUT SOMETHING.

OR SOME OTHER "REASON."

DO I WANT TO BE RIGHT ABOUT THAT?
NO?

I DON'T ACTUALLY.

I WISH I DIDN'T KNOW SOME OF THE THINGS I KNOW
SO THAT I COULD DENY THEM TOO.

BECAUSE HOW COULD I BELIEVE SOMETHING
THAT I DIDN'T KNOW?

I COULDN'T.

THEY CAN'T EITHER.

I KNOW THIS.

SO IT'S OKAY.

How would they know if they haven't even thought about it?

COULD THEY HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT IT?

THEY CAN'T, REALLY....

BECAUSE IF THEY DID THINK ABOUT IT....
FROM WHICH VIEW ARE THEY LOOKING AT IT?

A VIEW THAT CONFLICTS WITH IT?

THEN? WHAT DO THEY SEE?

NOT THE SAME AS I SEE.
ONLY WHAT THEY SEE.
AND CAN SEE.
IS WHAT THEY SEE.

I have to EXPECT THAT.

GOING IN, EACH TIME.

Even if I hope that THIS TIME....
I MIGHT GET TO..... JUST BE ME.

FINALLY.

BUT THAT ONLY LASTS UNTIL XYZ.

If I even get to... Just be ME.

It would be nice... Just that.
ONE DAY.

FINALLY.

Sometimes I wonder why I try.
IN MANY REGARDS.

IS IT BECAUSE I ACTUALLY CARED?
ENOUGH TO?

THAT AND OTHER THINGS?

I do know that people will see things HOW they do.
Everything.

How we LOOK AT things.... That's how we'll SEE it.

There are some things I'll bring up another time.
Because I don't want it to be about that.

BECAUSE IF SOMEONE ELSE SAYS IT, OKAY.
BUT IF I DO?

EASY TO DISMISS IT!
COMING FROM ME.

ALWAYS.

But that is okay....

BECAUSE I WOULD LIKE TO BE WRONG
ABOUT THOSE THINGS.

But... Most people who believe in that direction....
DO IT FOR THEIR REASONS.

AND CHOOSE THAT OVER ALL ELSE.

AND USUALLY OVER OUR FRIENDSHIP.

WHICH IS WEIRD.

BUT OKAY.

It is weird when they choose FALSE REPRESENTATION
OVER OUR FRIENDSHIP.... 

BUT? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY ABOUT THAT?

TO ANYONE?

WHO CHOOSES TO?
WHEN THEY ARE ALLOWED TO?

ANYTHING?

WOULD THEY HAVE CONSIDERED ANYTHING?
NO? THEY WEREN'T?
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT TO?

OKAY THEN! DIDN'T WANT TO!

WAS OUR FRIENDSHIP WORTH CONSIDERING?
I GUESS NOT.

IF IT WASN'T, TO THEM, IT WASN'T. OKAY.

GOOD TO KNOW, RIGHT?

ISN'T IT?
I THINK SO.

Look at it this way...
Some things are always good to know!

That's one of them.

And... Even in a FRIENDSHIP...
COMPATIBILITY IS A THING.

BUT I TRIED TO AT LEAST OPEN UP ABOUT IT.
RIGHT?

BECAUSE I THOUGHT I COULD?

I DON'T LIKE TO, BECAUSE OF THAT.

EVEN THOUGH SOMETIMES, I WISH I ACTUALLY COULD.
NOT USED TO IT.