Usually When...

It's usually when SOMEONE ELSE
TREATS THEM
THE EXACT SAME WAY
THAT THEY TREATED ME...

THAT THEY EVEN....
START TO....
"UNDERSTAND"
WHAT THAT SH*T....
WAS LIKE....
FOR ME.

This ties into the last posts....
Because only RACISTS WOULD UNDERSTAND RACISM
IF THEY WERE BEING TREATED
THE EXACT SAME WAY
THEY TREATED SOMEONE ELSE.

IF WHITE KIDS WERE B*ATEN TO D*ATH
FOR JUST BEING WHITE.

THEY WOULD UNDERSTAND IT THEN.
THEY WOULD SEE THAT AS "UNJUST."

If white people were getting l*nched.
FOR JUST BEING WHITE....

THEY MIGHT UNDERSTAND IT THEN.
RIGHT?

IF PEOPLE...... GET TREATED.....
THE WAY THEY TREATED ME.....
BY SOMEONE THEY THOUGHT
WAS LOYAL TO THEM.....

LIKE I THOUGHT THEY WERE LOYAL TO ME....
THEN.... THEY *MIGHT* GET IT.

IF THEY DO OR NOT... 
IS NONE OF MY CONCERN.

Would it have been COOL had they gotten it?
WHEN I WAS RIGHT THERE?

SURE.

But why should I have to wait 12 years...?

Why should I have to wait for someone
TO TREAT THEM THE WAY THEY TREATED ME????

FOR THEM TO THINK:
"THIS IS HOW A*** FELT WHEN I DID THAT TO HER."

When I treated her like I thought she was "stupid."
OR NOT WORTHY OF DECENCY.
OR HONESTY....

OR BASIC RESPECT.

OR WASN'T "GOOD ENOUGH" FOR ME.

WASN'T "HOT ENOUGH" FOR ME.
WASN'T "RICH ENOUGH" FOR ME.

OR WASN'T WHATEVER TF I VALUED
MORE THAN JUST....

HAVING HER IN MY LIFE...
AS A PERSON.

WHO ONCE CARED.

WHO ONCE TRIED.

CARED "ENOUGH" TO TRY.
EVEN THAT.

If ALL I wanted was superficial sh*t......
I'd be chasing superficial sh*t!!!!!!!!!!!!

Because that superficial sh*t
would "matter" to me.

It doesn't.

So why chase it?
Why want it?

IF IT DOESN'T MATTER, IT DOESN'T!

People try to justify things about me....
Like assumptions...

They can do that if they want to....

But they have to realize that their assumptions
ABOUT ME....

ARE ASSUMPTIONS.

THEY COULD JUST?????? ASK!
IF THEY WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING.....

INSTEAD OF THINKING THAT THEY DO!

And what can I even DO about... 
THEM THINKING THEY KNOW SOMETHING?

WRITE? 
WRITE THE ACTUAL FACTS?

AND MAYBE.... IF THEY READ IT.....
THEY MIGHT THINK.

THAT IS ABOUT ALL THAT I CAN DO.

I CAN GIVE PEOPLE WHO DO THINK....
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT... 

THINGS THAT I THINK ABOUT... 

BUT??? WHAT ELSE?
LITTLE TO NOTHING?

SPIN MY WHEELS?
GRIND MY OWN GEARS?

WISH? HOPE?

That they might SEE something I was pointing at?

OR TALKING ABOUT?
WHEN THEY DIDN'T WANT TO LISTEN?
OR CARE ENOUGH TO HEAR ME?
THE FIRST TIME I WAS SAYING IT?

So then??? I put it in WRITING.

WRITING HASN'T FAILED ME.
IN THE WAYS MANY PEOPLE HAVE.

WAS IT DISAPPOINTING? YEAH?
AGGRAVATING? YEAH?

NOT JUST THAT, THOUGH.
DISHEARTENING, AT TIMES!

TO BE FAILED BY PEOPLE... 
WHO DIDN'T HAVE ANY REAL REASONS TO!

BUT... THEY FAIL THEMSELVES.
SO WHY WOULDN'T THEY FAIL ME?

Did I fail myself? Yeah, I did.
I know what it's like to sabotage myself. 

I had to learn what it took to support myself
IN MANY WAYS.

MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY...
THOSE ARE IMPORTANT.

In my 20s... I thought the way that I thought.
About the things that I thought about.

Most of it is actually on here.
All the things I lamented about.

The ruts I was stuck in....
Were mostly... Caused by.....
And fueled by... My mentality.

Even certain ruts I've been in.... Also.
Lately... 

Not that my current mentality is "stellar"
OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT...

But... Maybe... It's a bit better....
Than it used to be.

Regarding some things, especially.

Because if I had the mentality I used to have.....
I'd still be thinking about the same things
in the exact same ways.

And getting the exact same "results," if any.

Have I gotten "some" results? Yeah.
The ones I wanted? Not exactly.

One of my friends... 
He was saying... 
"Apparently what I want is too much to ask for."

In general, he doesn't want anything from me.

So I told him that wanting what we want is one thing, 
BUT WE HAVE TO BE CAREFUL WHAT WE WISH FOR.

There was a kids' show I used to watch as a kid.... 

Doesn't matter what it is called. I remember, but it doesn't matter.

The plot of the show was about a group of kids in a "club"
Took turns telling each other "stories" around a "campfire."

The "stories" were the episodes.

You might know what show I'm talking about... 
Just based on that... 

And around the time I was a kid...
What shows were "popular" on TV for kids... 

Anyway... 

One of the episodes... The story....
Some kids got a "monkey's paw" or something
that was supposed to grant them wishes...

But each wish that they wished for.....
There was "something" wrong with it.

Like they'd get the wish, but not the way they wanted.

When I was dating... It wasn't.... What I had wished for.

Whatever it was... That made me want to date...
Wasn't something I could "fulfill" by dating.

When I realized that.... Dating... Didn't seem "important"
as it once seemed to me, years ago.

And if I couldn't "fulfill" that by dating...
MAYBE IT WASN'T DATING THAT EVER WOULD.

DATING... WAS... A LOT OF REJECTION....
A LOT OF WASTED TIME...
EFFORT...

Did I learn some things? From those experiences?
YES, I DID.

MOSTLY, ABOUT MYSELF.
AND THOSE THINGS... I'M GLAD I LEARNED.

MAYBE I MIGHT NOT HAVE LEARNED THOSE THINGS
IN OTHER WAYS
OTHER THAN THE WAYS THAT I LEARNED THEM.

MAYBE, MAYBE NOT.
RIGHT?

The point was... I had to learn somehow.
It was either I was going to learn, or I wasn't. 

It was either I wanted to, or I didn't. 

Maybe I didn't want to learn in the ways that I did.... 
Fine... Maybe that... 

ESPECIALLY THE WAYS THAT WEREN'T
FUN OR NICE, OR COOL....

BUT? CERTAIN THINGS... 

Maybe I'm "better off" for having learned.
DESPITE ANY WAY THAT I LEARNED THEM.

EVEN THE WAYS THAT WERE NOT FUN...
OR NICE, OR COOL.

And... Writing about those things....
ISN'T HURTING ANYONE.

ESPECIALLY IF SOMEONE CAN LEARN SOMETHING
FROM THE THINGS THAT I LEARNED.

WITHOUT HAVING TO LEARN THOSE THINGS....
IN THE WAYS THAT I DID.

BECAUSE IT WASN'T FUN OR NICE....
OR COOL.

About dating... IN GENERAL... 
NOT JUST ABOUT THE OPPOSITE S*X.

ABOUT MYSELF AND WHERE I WAS AT...
MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY....

HONESTLY.

But to say.... Things like....
Certain cultures.... Prioritize....
Certain things...

COULD BE CONSIDERED "RACIST."

BECAUSE THE CULTURE.... 
IS USUALLY TIED TO THE "RACE"
OF THAT CULTURE.

WHEN THE ISSUE IS....
THE THINGS THAT THE CULTURE
PRIORITIZES
AND WHY.

NOT ABOUT "RACE"
OR "NATIONALITY."

IT'S ABOUT....
THE PRIORITIZATION.....
OF CERTAIN THINGS....
AND WHY.

BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I SEE.

I SEE "PEOPLE"
"PRIORITIZING"
CERTAIN THINGS....

WHEN THEY COULD BE....

PRIORITIZING....
CERTAIN OTHER THINGS.

DOES PRIORITIZATION
HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH "RACE"
OR "NATIONALITY"?

OR DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH....
THE MENTALITY
AND "REASONING"
BEHIND "PRIORITIZING" IT?

EVEN IF WHITE PEOPLE
ARE PRIORITIZING BEING FKTARDS.... 

THAT!!!!! THAT!!!!! 
IS WHAT THEY ARE PRIORITIZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DO THEY HAVE TO PRIORITIZE THAT?
OR???? COULD THEY.....
PRIORITIZE DOING THE RIGHT THINGS
FOR THE RIGHT REASONS??????

DO WE HAVE TO BE A SPECIFIC "RACE"
TO DO THAT?

OR COULD WE..... AS A HUMAN RACE....
JUST DO THAT?

DO WE NEED TO BE TAUGHT....
BY SOME INTERGALACTIC "RACE"
HOW TO BE BETTER AS HUMANS?

MAYBE THEY DON'T WANT TO WASTE THEIR TIME
TRYING TO TEACH US THINGS
THAT SHOULDN'T BE HARD
TO UNDERSTAND.

WOULD YOU?
PROBABLY NOT.

I'm not writing about these things to teach anything to anyone.
I'M NOT A TEACHER.
I'M NOT A PREACHER.

I'M A FKN "NOBODY."
RANDOM PERSON ON THE INTERNET.

JUST A WRITER, IF EVEN THAT. 

Even so.... It's not about ME saying it.
It's about SAYING IT.

IF IT NEEDS TO BE SAID.
AND "UNDERSTOOD."

But sometimes WORDS aren't "enough"
TO CONVEY CERTAIN THINGS....

THAT NEED TO BE "CONVEYED."

Still trying to figure out....
What would be "enough."

To convey those things... 

Because certain points could be made....
That probably should be made.

So that certain things could be understood....

If that.