I'm Mostly A Test

It seems that I "come into" people's lives
AS A TEST.

NOT THAT I CONSCIOUSLY TEST THEM.
NOT THAT IT IS MY INTENTION.

I don't "want to" test people.

But the test is:
WILL YOU APPRECIATE A***...
OR WILL YOU TAKE HER FOR GRANTED?

WILL YOU TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY...
TO STEP UP....
OR NOT?

Will you OVERCOME....
YOUR ISSUES...
OR WILL YOU BLAME THEM ON HER?

Things like that....

Mostly about RESPECT.

BECAUSE HAD ANY OF THESE FKERS....
RESPECTED ME....
THEY WOULDN'T HAVE....
TREATED ME.... THE WAY THEY DID!

And it was a test for ME, TOO!
WILL I RESPECT MYSELF? OR NOT?
WILL I BE FAIR TO MYSELF? OR NOT?

IF I WILL, WHAT WILL I DO WITH IT?
IF NOT, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN?

Often... Respecting myself
And being fair to myself...

REQUIRES ME... TO LEAVE CERTAIN PEOPLE
WHO DIDN'T RESPECT ME....

IN THE PAST.
LEAVING THEM TO THEIR OWN SH*T.

My future.... Does not INVOLVE....
ANYONE WHO ALREADY BLEW THEIR CHANCE.

IT DOESN'T.
Should it???? 

SHOULD IT INVOLVE ANYONE WHO DISREGARDED ME?
DISMISSED ME?
DISCARDED ME?

NO?

WHO SHOULD IT INVOLVE?
IF ANYONE?

MAYBE... IT SHOULD INVOLVE LOYALTY.
ESPECIALLY TO MYSELF.

I MEAN.... IF THEY MISS THEIR OPPORTUNITIES.....
IS THAT ON ME?

OR THEM?

THEY COULD HAVE BEEN "CAREFUL"
NOT TO XYZ.

ESPECIALLY WHEN I BROUGHT IT UP....
MORE THAN ONCE.

SHOULD I HAVE THINGS TO BRING UP?
AND SHOULD I HAVE TO BRING THEM UP?

AND LOOK HOW THEY ACT WHEN I DO!!!!!!!!!

SHOULD I ACT LIKE THAT????
IF THEY BRING SOMETHING UP TO ME???
EVEN ONCE???

OR SHOULD I BE "ALLOWED" TO BRING IT UP????
LIKE THEY ARE???

WOULDN'T THAT BE "FAIR"?

TO BE ALLOWED TO BE BOTHERED
BY SOMETHING THAT WOULD BOTHER THEM, TOO?

IF IT WAS COMING FROM ME?

WHAT IF I GASLIT HIM?
AND DISCARDED HIM FOR 12 YEARS?

WOULD HE WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME?
AFTER THAT? NO?

PROBABLY NOT!

AND INSTEAD OF RESENTING HIM
FOR NOT WANTING TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM....

HE COULD HAVE ACCEPTED IT!
LIKE I'D HAVE TO!

IF I DID THAT SH*T!

I learned that I can be HONEST....
AND STILL GET MISTREATED!

WAS I SUPPOSED TO WAIT 12 FKN YEARS????
SERIOUSLY?

AM I "SUPPOSED TO" WAIT 12 MORE???

THEY CAN "TALK" ABOUT HOW I'M NO LONGER "INVESTED."
AND WHY!

ALL THEY WANT TO!

WOULD I WANT TO "INVEST" IN PEOPLE
WHO MISREPRESENT ME?

SHOULD I WANT TO BE "COLLATERAL DAMAGE"
IN SOMEONE'S BS?

NO?

THEY CAN TAKE MY "SILENCE" PERSONALLY.

WANTING MORE FOR MYSELF....
HAS WHAT TO DO WITH THEM????
ANYTHING?

BEEN WHO I AM.... FROM DAY 1!
I DID WHAT I HAD TO DO.

People can MISS ME, ALL THEY WANT TO!

DOESN'T MEAN I "NEED TO" BE MISTREATED!
OR DISREGARDED!
OR DISCARDED!

JUST BECAUSE THEY "MISS" ME.

THEY "MISS" ME.... BECAUSE THEY "FEEL"
MY "ABSENCE."

THEY CAN APPRECIATE IT.
SINCE THEY DIDN'T APPRECIATE.... ME....
OR MY EFFORTS... WHEN I MADE THEM.

When I made the TIME for THEM.

WHEN THEY CARED MORE ABOUT WHAT THEY WANTED
THAN WHAT I WANTED.

Some people think they can just "copy" me.
BUT THEY DON'T KNOW
WHAT IT TOOK
TO "SURVIVE" THE SH*T THAT I DID.

THEY WON'T KNOW, EITHER.
THAT'S FOR ME TO KNOW.

ALL THE "PERSONAL POWER" THAT I HAVE.... TODAY...
I HAD TO "EARN" THAT.

IN A LOT OF SH*TTY WAYS!
IN WAYS I DIDN'T WANT TO....

BUT I DID. ALL OF THAT.
"ALONE."

IF IT WAS "EASY," EVERYONE WOULD BE "DOING IT."
BUT ARE THEY?

IF THEY WERE.... I WOULDN'T HAVE TO DEAL 
WITH ANY OF THAT BS.

I learned WHO was FOR me and WHO WASN'T.

AND MOST PEOPLE AREN'T EVEN FOR THEMSELVES!

If they don't "understand"
TELLING THEM A BILLION TIMES
WOULD MAKE NO DIFFERENCE!

TELLING PEOPLE WHO REFUSE TO LISTEN....
DOES WHAT? ANYTHING?

Anything? Or NOTHING?