I Was Surprised, But Should I Be?

I think what made it so disappointing....
It was surprising.
I WASN'T EXPECTING THAT.

IF PEOPLE WANT TO DEFEND THEIR LIES...
AND HAVE "FALSE MEMORIES..."
AND TRY TO TELL ME THAT MINE ARE FALSE....

AND TRY TO PUT ME IN A BOX
I NEVER BELONGED IN....

I DON'T.... "HAVE TO" STAY.

DID HE THINK I'D BE "WAITING FOR HIM"
12 YEARS LATER?

If people push me to LEAVE THEM TO THEIR SH*T...
THEY DID THAT, NOT ME.

THEY CAN "RESENT" ME FOR IT...
IF THEY WANT TO....

BUT I DON'T "HAVE TO" GAF.

It was a lesson for ME
AND FOR HIM.

ABOUT LOOKING BACK.

BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE TO "TRY."
I DIDN'T HAVE TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE AT ALL!

AND HE DIDN'T HAVE TO WASTE IT.

EVEN "NEW PEOPLE"
CAN WASTE THEIR CHANCES, TOO, THOUGH.

EVERY TIME I TRIED TO TELL THE GUY....
THAT HE WAS P*SSING ME OFF....

HE'D JUST DOUBLE DOWN!!!!

SO THEN????? 
I DOUBLE DOWN.... ON "DON'T PLAY WITH ME."

BECAUSE: I WAS NOT FKN PLAYING.

AND WHEN HE REALIZES THAT I WASN'T....
IF HE EVER DOES.... I DON'T HAVE TO GAF.

JUST HOW I DON'T GAF ANYMORE.

If someone's going to take me for granted... 
THEY CAN JUST... P*SS OFF.

BUT THEY DON'T WANT TO "BELIEVE"
THE "DEMISE" OF ANYTHING....
HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM!

AND SO MUCH EASIER TO BLAME.... ME.
AND EVERYONE ELSE.

LYING TO THEMSELVES.

AND IF THEY WANT TO DO THAT....
THEY CAN KEEP DOING THAT.

LYING TO THEMSELVES IS ONE THING...
LYING TO ME IS SOMETHING ELSE.

And WHY lie to ME? Am I lying to YOU? NO?

BUT PEOPLE SEEM TO LIKE TO TRY TO GASLIGHT ME.

12 YEAR DISCARD....
"YOU WERE HAVING DIFFICULTIES THAT CAUSED YOU TO BE VOLATILE."

HE KNEW VERY LITTLE OF MY "DIFFICULTIES."
I BEAR ALL OF MY "BURDENS" ALONE!

AND "VOLATILITY" WAS ACTUALLY ANGER....

WHY WOULD I BE ANGRY?

IF I BLAMED HIS ANGER ON HIS "DIFFICULTIES"
AND NOT ON WHAT I WAS DOING....
THAT P*SSED HIM OFF....

WOULDN'T HE BE "ANGRY" TOO?

I THINK HE WOULD BE!

That.... Whatever that was....
WASN'T FOR ME.

AND THAT'S OKAY!

NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE FOR ME.

BECAUSE: MAYBE SOME THINGS ARE...
AND SOME THINGS AREN'T.

Does EVERYTHING "have to" be for ME?
OR FOR YOU? NO?

THEN? ISN'T THAT EASIER TO ACCEPT?

"I don't remember treating you horribly..."
"I'm not someone who would treat someone like that..."

NO? THEN WHY TREAT ME LIKE THAT?????
HMMM?

JUST FOR KICKS?
OR WHAT?

And just because you "FORGOT" that you treated someone
HORRIBLY....

DOESN'T MEAN YOU DIDN'T!!!!

BLAMING MY "DIFFICULTIES"
FOR MY "ANGER"
ABOUT HOW YOU TREATED ME...

IS WHAT? TAKING ACCOUNTABILITY?
NO?

BUT "TELLING" ME....
THAT MY "VOLATILITY"
WAS ABOUT "MY DIFFICULTIES..."

IS WHAT?
MANIPULATION!

I REMEMBER WHY I WAS UPSET!!!

I DON'T NEED TO BE "TOLD" WHY I WAS UPSET!
I KNEW WHY!

I WAS THERE!
"HAVING TO" GO THROUGH THAT SH*T!

I CAN'T UNSEE ANY OF THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!

NOT FOR ME!
JUST THAT!

I don't really know WHAT I was expecting, if anything....
BUT I SURE WASN'T EXPECTING THAT BS!!!!!

I WASN'T EXPECTING BS....
AND BS EXCUSES FOR THAT BS.

BUT???? IT SEEMS THAT'S WHAT I MOSTLY "GET."

NOT FOR ME.
THEY CAN DO THAT SH*T TO SOMEONE ELSE.

AND BLAME THEIR "VOLATILITY"
ON THEIR "DIFFICULTIES."

OR WHATEVER ELSE.

SURE, I HAD SOME DIFFICULTIES....
BUT THAT'S NOT AN EXCUSE
TO TREAT ME LIKE SH*T!

NOT AN EXCUSE TO SH*T ON ME!

NOT AN EXCUSE TO BLAME ME
FOR YOUR OWN SH*TINESS!

But..... HOW CAN I "TRUST" SOMEONE
WHO DOES THAT SH*T?
I CAN'T!

But I'm "toxic" for NOT WANTING TO LET THEM BACK IN....
12 YEARS LATER?

WHEN I GET THAT SH*T?
ON TOP OF THE SH*T 12 YEARS AGO????

What people don't "realize" about me:
MY PATIENCE HAS LIMITS!

AND I DON'T HAVE TO RETURN TO MY PAST....
JUST BECAUSE THEY "POP UP" 12 YEARS LATER.

AS THOUGH THEY NEVER DID ANYTHING TO ME....

WHY EVEN BOTHER WITH ME.... 12 YEARS LATER....
IF I WAS SO "TOXIC"?

IS HOLDING SOMEONE "ACCOUNTABLE"
"TOXIC"?

I'D EXPECT THEM TO HOLD ME TO MY SH*T TOO!

IF THEY DID.... WHY BE MAD ABOUT IT?

BECAUSE: SHOULDN'T I BE HOLDING MYSELF "ACCOUNTABLE"
FOR MY OWN SH*T???? YEAH???

MY "ENERGY" SHOULDN'T HAVE EVER "CHANGED"
RIGHT?

BUT???? WHY DID IT?
ANY REASONS???? YEAH???

I WAS "SUPPOSED TO" GIVE IN.... TO THAT SH*T.
NO TF I WON'T.

WHY WOULD I?

GIVE IN TO BEING GASLIT?
ABOUT WHY I WAS ANGRY?

REASONABLY ANGRY?
FOR A REASON?

WHY WOULD THAT BS "INTEREST" ME?

PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE:
A*** CAN MOVE ON!
FROM BS!

FROM CHARACTER ASSASSINATION!
FROM MANY THINGS!

WHY? BECAUSE I'VE "HAD TO."
THAT'S WHY!

HAD HE TREATED ME RIGHT?????
HAD THEY REALIZED ANYTHING ABOUT ME???

WHY WERE THINGS "DIFFERENT"
WHEN HE WAS BEING "DECENT" TO ME?

WHEN I NEVER THOUGHT HE'D TREAT ME LIKE THAT?

IF I WAS "TOXIC"..... WE WOULD HAVE NEVER....
GOTTEN ALONG!
EVER!

BUT IF THEY ARE TOO ARROGANT TO REALIZE....
HOW THINGS COULD HAVE BEEN...
AND THAT THEY HAD THEIR CHANCE....

AND THAT I DON'T "HAVE TO"
HAND CHANCES OUT LIKE CANDIES...

THEN??? THEY ARE TOO ARROGANT....
TO BE "DECENT."

WHY EVEN "STILL THINK ABOUT" ME....
IF I WAS THE "ISSUE"?

IF YOU DIDN'T WANT TO SEE IT FOR WHAT IT WAS
AND COULD HAVE BEEN....
AND SHOULD HAVE BEEN.....

IS THAT MY PROBLEM???? NO???

BUT SO EASY TO BLAME ME FOR THEIR BS....
BECAUSE THEY SURE WON'T BLAME THEMSELVES
FOR THEIR OWN BS.

IF THEY THINK IT WILL GO IN THEIR FAVOR....
AND DEFEND THEIR LIES - VICIOUSLY.....

THAT'S STILL BEING FKN VICIOUS.
NOT VICTORIOUS.

THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.

He could have made BETTER choices!
LIKE JUST BEING FKN FAIR TO ME.

IF HE HAD CHOSEN TO BE FAIR?
WOULD I HAVE ANY REASON TO BE "ANGRY"?

CAN I "TRUST" SOMEONE
WHO CHOSE TO BE UNFAIR TO ME?

OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN?

I have no "control" over how anyone CHOOSES TO ACT.

I DON'T WANT TO CONTROL ANYONE.
I'M TOO BUSY CONTROLLING MYSELF
TO WANT TO CONTROL ANYONE.

Nobody gets to have "POWER" OVER ME.
WITH THEIR BS.

Someone... Posted:
"Don't you love it when someone "cuts you off"
for not letting them leech off you?"

So I told him:
If people want to go fk themselves...
I say they are allowed to do that.

IF THINGS HAD BEEN DIFFERENT....
I WOULD HAVE RECONNECTED, HAPPILY.

BUT???? THEY WERE BS....
SO???? NO. 

WOULD HAVE LOVED TO....
HAD THINGS BEEN DIFFERENT!!!

DIDN'T I TRY ALREADY?
MORE THAN ONCE?

AFTER A LOT OF BS?

YEAH? I DID???? HMMM!

SO I'D WANT TO AGAIN? NO.

WOULDN'T YOU BE FKN EXHAUSTED, TOO?
AND NOT INTERESTED IN TRYING AGAIN???

FOR THE SAME SH*T????

Everything that is RARE....
IS RARELY GIVEN IN RETURN!!!!!

OR EVEN SEEN FOR WHAT IT IS!!!!!!!!!

COULD HAVE JUST.... RESPECTED ME....
ENOUGH.... NOT TO DO THAT SH*T.

JUST THAT. 
RIGHT?

AND WHY WERE WE ONCE "CLOSE"?
BECAUSE I WASN'T "TOXIC"?

IF I WAS... WE WOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN "CLOSE."
RIGHT?

IF THEY CREATE "DISTANCE" WITH BS....
THEY CREATED IT!
FOR A REASON!

AND IF YOU DO THAT TO PLAY GAMES....
THAT I NEVER SIGNED UP TO PLAY....

YOU.... ARE.... DOING IT..... NOT ME.

IF YOU BLOW IT.....
BY "SILENT TREATMENT" FOR 12 YEARS....

I TREAT THAT AS
"SLAMMING THE DOOR IN YOUR OWN FACE."

AND IF SOMEONE WANTS TO DO THAT....
THEY CAN DO THAT.

I DON'T HAVE TO "FIGURE OUT" WHY....
ALL I HAVE TO KNOW:
"THEY CHOSE THAT."

IF I CHOSE THAT.... THEN THAT WOULD BE MY CHOICE....
CORRECT?

WHY WOULD I FIGHT TO BE "UNDERSTOOD"?

TESTED MY BOUNDARIES.
FOUND OUT.

NOT MY PROBLEM.

WHY WOULD THAT "DRAW ME CLOSER?"

HIDE AND SEEK? HOPING I'D SEEK?
AND FIND?

NO.

IF YOU WANT TO HIDE. DO THAT.
NOT PLAYING GAMES.

BEING EXPECTED TO PLAY GAMES....
P*SSED ME OFF.

TRYING TO "MAKE" ME THINK I WAS THE "TOXIC" ONE....
MANIPULATION.

IT WASN'T ABOUT HOW I "REACTED."
IT WAS WHAT I WAS "REACTING" TO.

AND HIS BS WAS COMING FROM HIM, NOT ME.

HE DRANK TOO! QUIT THIS YEAR!
AND WANTED TO USE MY DRINKING
AS FKN AMMUNITION.

"YOU'RE JUST ANGRY BECAUSE YOU'RE DRUNK."
WTF?

MAYBE BECAUSE YOU ACT LIKE THAT.... TO ME.
MAYBE THAT HAS "SOMETHING" TO DO WITH IT.

DID I SAY SH*T LIKE THAT TO HIM? NO?
DID I DO THAT SH*T TO HIM? NO?

WHY WOULD I DO THAT SH*T?

Neglecting me for the time we "connected".....

AND GHOSTING ME FOR 12 YEARS....

AND THEN TRYING TO ACT LIKE I CAUSED
ALL THE SH*T HE CAUSED....

THEN "THINK OF ME"
WHEN WHATEVER TF THEY ARE IN....
IS FAILING?

I DON'T NEED HIM TO "VALIDATE"
MY FEELINGS.

I CAN'T EVEN "TRUST" HIM WITH MY FEELINGS!

DID HE EVER APPRECIATE ME? AT ALL? NO?

THINK ABOUT MY "SUPPORT"
WHEN YOU HAVE NONE, THOUGH.

THOUGHT I WAS ALWAYS GOING TO BE THERE....
THAT I'D "ENABLE" THAT SH*T...

INSTEAD OF CONFRONTING THEM ABOUT IT???

PEOPLE WHO GASLIGHT PEOPLE
WANT THE PEOPLE THEY GASLIGHT...
TO QUESTION THEIR WORTH.

I DIDN'T "AGREE" TO DO THAT.
WHY SHOULD I AGREE TO THAT?

DID HE VALUE ME?
OR MY TIME?

NO?

SO WHY WOULD HE VALUE ME
OR MY TIME....

12 YEARS LATER???

WHY WOULD I BE "CONVINCED"
THAT HE "MAGICALLY" CARES? 
12 YEARS LATER?

HE DIDN'T! 

NOT ABOUT ME OR ABOUT THE DETAILS.

PEOPLE ONLY TRY TO "COME BACK"
OUT OF FOMO.

NOT BECAUSE THEY EVER CARED!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE IF THEY CARED.....
IT WOULDN'T BE ABOUT FOMO!
IT'D BE ABOUT CARING!!!!!!!!!!

ABOUT ME FFS!!!!!!!!
ABOUT HAVING SOMETHING WITH ME!!!!!!!
ABOUT BEING FAIR TO ME!!!!!!!!!

THEY "LOST ME" BY PUSHING ME AWAY!
TREATING ME "HORRIBLY."

LYING TO ME AND ABOUT ME.... ETC.

ASSASSINATING MY CHARACTER....

MUCH MORE.
RESENTING ME.... FOR THEIR OWN SH*T.

PEOPLE WHO GASLIGHT.....
DON'T KNOW HOW TO GROW....

OTHERWISE.... THEY'D GROW!

THEY'D SHOW THAT!
INSTEAD OF BEING ABOUT MORE BS!

THEY TRY TO "COME BACK"
WHEN THE GRASS WASN'T "GREENER" ON THE OTHER SIDE!

WHEN THEY KNOW THAT THEY....
GAVE ME THE SH*T END OF THE STICK!

GRASS IS ONLY GREEN WHERE YOU WATER IT!
NOT WHERE YOU TAKE TOO MANY CHANCES!

"UNAVAILABILITY" WAS TO MANIPULATE TOO.
NOT IN MY CASE, THOUGH.

BECAUSE I WAS AVAILABLE...
UNTIL I WASN'T.

AND WHY AM I NOT AVAILABLE ANYMORE?
BECAUSE OF UNFAIRNESS?

I TURN COLD WHEN THEY TURN COLD.

I'M NOT GOING TO JUST "GET USED TO"
THEIR BS.

IT'S GOING TO P*SS ME OFF.

IF THEY WANT TO RISK IT.... FOR NOTHING.
GO AHEAD! DO THAT!

SEE WHAT HAPPENS!

AND WHEN YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS....
THAT'S ON YOU.

MANIPULATION DOESN'T "WORK" ON ME.
IT'S NOT "SUPPOSED TO."

WHEN THEY SEE THAT....
TOO LATE!

ALREADY TRIED TO DO THAT SH*T, RIGHT?
DIDN'T HAVE TO....

CHOSE TO!