What Gets Me...

I've been thinking about this a lot... 
NOT THAT I WANT TO....
THIS SH*T WAS BEHIND ME....

WAS BEHIND ME A LONG TIME AGO.

But... What bothered me....

IS: 

1) HOW WOULD IT LOOK ON ME?
2) HOW WOULD IT BE COMING FROM ME?
3) WOULD IT BE FAIR COMING FROM ME?
4) WOULD IT BE APPRECIATED COMING FROM ME?
5) DO I DESERVE THAT SH*T?
6) IF YOU REGRET IT 12 YEARS LATER, PROBABLY SHOULDN'T?

"I MADE MISTAKES."
WHAT TAUGHT YOU THAT? DID I?
OR DID HOW THINGS WORKED OUT FOR YOU TEACH YOU?

DID I HAVE TO DO ANYTHING TO YOU FOR YOU TO LEARN? NO?
IF I REALLY WAS "TOXIC"
WHAT DO YOU THINK I COULD HAVE DONE TO YOU?
MOST OF WHAT I WANTED TO DO? IF I WANTED TO?

THAT'S WHAT TOXIC PEOPLE DO.
THEY ACT OUT, THEY SEEK REVENGE, 
THEY EVEN HOLD GRUDGES.

THEY DON'T LET YOU WALK TF AWAY
TO HAVE WHATEVER TF IT WAS YOU WANTED... 
AND LEAVE YOU ALONE.

THEY DON'T JUST LET YOU GO.

RIGHT?

WELP, WHAT DID I DO?
SHOULD I TRY TO HOLD ONTO SOMEONE
WHO ISN'T ACTING LIKE THEY WANT TO BE WITH ME?

JUST BECAUSE I SOMEHOW THINK THEY MIGHT EVENTUALLY?
IF I HOLD ON LONG ENOUGH?
AND ENDURE ENOUGH BS?
WHILE THEY MAKE UP THEIR MIND ABOUT ME?

OR... COULD I.... BE WITH....
SOMEONE....
WHO WANTS....
THE SAME THINGS.....
AS ME....
AND WHO CAN BE HONEST WITH THEMSELVES & ME?

I COULD! HE KNOWS THIS!
HE PROBABLY KNEW IT THEN, TOO.

I was in a relationship when I met that guy. 

But, years later.... WHEN I WAS AVAILABLE.....
HE ACTED LIKE HE COULD NOT BE BOTHERED.

SO NOW.... NATURALLY....
WHY SHOULD I CARE?

AND DISCARDED ME.

I'm not angry that he discarded me.
I've been discarded before.

SURPRISED THAT HE WOULD? YEAH, I WAS...

BUT I WASN'T ANGRY ABOUT IT.
IT WASN'T LIKE "NOW I'M NOT GOING TO GET SOMETHING I WANT FROM HIM!"
BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT VERY MUCH....
SH*T I'M USED TO NOT GETTING ANYWAY!

NOT LIKE HE OWED IT TO ME ANYWAY!

JUST WAS SURPRISED THAT HE TURNED OUT TO BE LIKE THAT.
I GOT OVER HIM.

I QUIT DRINKING. DATED MY EX.

I THINK I SET MYSELF UP.... THINKING SOME PEOPLE ARE....
NOT AS THEY ACTUALLY ARE.

CERTAIN THINGS I REALIZE, TOO.

THAT THEY WERE TOO SUPERFICIAL
TO EVER SEE AND WANT ME FOR ME, 
AND THAT IS OKAY.

BECAUSE SUPERFICIALITY TURNS ME OFF ANYWAY.

WASN'T THE END OF THE WORLD THAT HE DIDN'T CHOOSE ME.
IT'S THE WAY HE DID ALL OF THAT....

JUST TO SHOW ME HE DIDN'T WANT ME.

COULD HAVE JUST SAID:
I'M TURNING YOU DOWN BECAUSE I WANT THIS FAKE B*TCH OVER HERE.
OKAY. COOL. GO BE WITH FAKE B*TCH.
AT LEAST I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.

AND ON MY END, IT BUGS ME....
THAT EVERY DUDE WHO SCREWED ME OVER...
WAS SOMEONE I ONCE TRUSTED.

But you don't get to.... TRY TO PLAY GAMES WITH ME....
THINKING I WON'T REALIZE YOU'RE DOING IT...
THINK I WON'T BE PISSED OFF AND TURNED OFF BY IT...
AND WANT YOU 12 YEARS LATER....
AFTER DISCARDING ME.

YOU ALREADY DID THAT.
NO REVERSE-DISCARD.

I WAS ALREADY "SENT AWAY."
WANTED TO BE "FREE OF ME." RIGHT?
SO THEN? WHAT DID I DO? I..... LET..... YOU...... GO.
DID I ACT ALL TOXICALLY TOXIC?
DID I ACT OUT?
DID I FIGHT OVER YOU?
DID I SHOW MY ASS FOR A GUY WHO DIDN'T WANT ME?
BECAUSE IF HE WANTED ME....
HE WOULD HAVE ACTED LIKE IT!

A CLEAR SIGN YOU DON'T WANT SOMEONE
IS TO ACT LIKE YOU DON'T!

ANOTHER IS TO PLAY GAMES!
EVEN WHEN YOU KNOW THEY ARE NOT PLAYING WITH YOU!
EVEN WHEN YOU KNOW THEY WOULD NOT BE COOL WITH IT!

ANOTHER IS TO BLAME THEM!
FOR YOUR IMMATURITY!

ALL CLEAR SIGNS THAT YOU DON'T WANT SOMEONE.

AND YOU COULD WANT SOMEONE, 
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT THEY NEED TO BE MISTREATED.
OR HAVE TO STAY.
OR EVER HAVE TO BE THERE AT ALL!

NOT JUST TO BE WANTED....
AND NOT SETTLE FOR 12 YEARS LATER, EITHER.

Was I supposed to be all OPEN HEARTED?
LOOK! HE'S AVAILABLE NOW!

GAMES! 12 YEARS LATER!
JUST LIKE 12 YEARS AGO!

BUT I AM THE TOXIC ONE?

AM I THE ONE TRYING TO GASLIGHT MYSELF?

WHY WOULD I WANT TO PLAY GAMES?

DID I WANT TO PLAY GAMES BACK THEN?

WAS I PLAYING? NO?
SO WHY WOULD I PLAY NOW?