Anyway.... Life Goes On

Just was fkn bizarre anyone WHO WOULD TREAT ME LIKE THAT....
WOULD TRY TO SWING BY 12 YEARS LATER....
TO SEE IF I WAS WHERE YOU LEFT ME?

FK NO! 

Since then, I did date. 
I dealt with HEAD PUNCHER, 
MIRROR SMASHER....

AND AFTER THAT?
WOULD I BE JUMPING AT THE CHANCE
TO FKN DEAL WITH ANYONE?

FK NO.

HE ONLY TRIED TO COME BACK
BECAUSE HE KNOWS I COULD BE WITH WHOEVER ELSE!
THAT'S THE ONLY REASON. 

OR HE WOULD HAVE TRIED TO "CORRECT HIMSELF"
A LONG TIME AGO!

BUT I LET PEOPLE SIT IN WHAT THEY CHOOSE.
I DO THAT NOW. 

BECAUSE THEY SHOW ME WHAT THEY WANT TO DO, RIGHT?
WHEN THEY HAVE THAT CHOICE?

I talked to someone today... 
I told him about FACTs...

We were talking about how fkd up people are... 

And I was saying how I OBSERVE PEOPLE MORE NOW.

I HAVE MY "SYSTEM." FACTs.

FEELINGS... 
HOW DO THEY TREAT YOU WHEN YOU TELL THEM
HOW YOU FEEL?
HOW DO THEY EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS TO YOU?
DO THEY SHOW YOU THEY CARE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS?

ACTIONS... 
HOW DO THEY ACT?
ARE THEY AWARE THAT THEY CAN CHOOSE HOW THEY ACT?
DO THEY ACT LIKE THEIR ACTIONS AFFECT YOU?

CHOICES... 
WHAT DO THEY CHOOSE?
WHAT DO THEY DO WITH THEIR CHOICES?
DO THEY RESPECT YOUR CHOICES?
DO THEY LET YOU MAKE YOUR OWN CHOICES?

THINKING...
HOW DO THEY THINK?
WHAT DO THEY THINK ABOUT?
DO THEY THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID?
DO THEY RESPECT YOUR THINKING?


There's a lot about people we could OBSERVE.
AND I SHOULD HAVE BEEN OBSERVING MORE....
BUT I WASN'T.

I WAS GIVING PEOPLE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.
AND THEY SHOWED ME WHY I SHOULD HAVE DOUBTED THEM.

BUT TO SEE ME AS A POSSIBILITY....
WHEN I'VE BEEN A PERSON.... 

SURE, I CAME WITH LOTS OF POSSIBILITIES....

BUT WHEN YOU LITERALLY DISCARD ME.....
YOU LITERALLY DISCARDED ME!

AND IF I WAS AS TOXIC AS THEY THOUGHT:
I WOULD HAVE BEEN PLAYING THE SAME FKN GAMES!
THAT HE WAS TRYING TO PLAY WITH ME!

THE HOT AND COLD BS.... 
HOW I WAS TREATED LIKE THEY DIDN'T FKN CARE!

BECAUSE IF THEY CARED.....
THEY WOULD HAVE TREATED ME.....
LIKE THEY CARED!!!!!! RIGHT!!!!!??????

INSTEAD OF DOING BS THINGS TO ME....
AND JUST GIVE ME EXCUSES FOR IT....

WHAT'S WORSE?
THE BS THING?
OR THE EXCUSES AFTER THE BS THING?

OR BEING EXPECTED TO...
JUST FORGET HOW I WAS TREATED?
JUST BECAUSE 12 YEARS PASSED?

"I'M GOING TO AVOID HER FOR 12 YEARS....
BLAME HER FOR IT....
THEN TRY TO COME BACK INTO HER LIFE....
AFTER SHE MOVED ON....
BECAUSE I FORCED HER TO DO THAT....
BECAUSE I TREATED HER LIKE SH*T....
BUT LET'S SEE IF SHE IS STILL THE XYX....
I THOUGHT SHE WAS....
AND COULD TREAT HER LIKE SHE WAS....
OR SEE IF I CAN GET SOMETHING FROM HER...."

BECAUSE IT WASN'T TO APOLOGIZE....
IT WASN'T FOR MY FORGIVENESS....
IT WASN'T BECAUSE THEY MAGICALLY CARED ABOUT ME... 
IT WASN'T BECAUSE HE WANTED TO TREAT ME BETTER...
IT WASN'T BECAUSE HE SAW MY WORTH, EITHER.
OR EVER KNEW WHO I WAS... 

IT WAS PROBABLY BECAUSE HE REGRETS
WHAT HE CHOSE OVER ME.

NOT BECAUSE HE CARED ABOUT ME....
NOT BECAUSE HE WANTED ME....

BUT BECAUSE SHE'S NOT ME.
WELL NO SH*T! SHE ISN'T ME!

WHY WOULD SHE BE ME?

AND DUDES CAN BE TRICKED....
BY WHOEVER TF....

TO COMMIT TO THEM INSTEAD... 
"SHE'S NOT WHO I THOUGHT SHE WAS...."

WELL, YOU CHOSE THAT. MASK AND ALL.
AND CALLING ME XYZ, INSULTING ME....

DID YOU CHOOSE ME WHEN I WAS RIGHT THERE? NO?
AND YOU WANT TO BLAME ME FOR THAT?!

IF YOU CAN'T SEE ANYTHING ABOUT ME....
DON'T BLAME ME FOR YOUR INABILITY....
TO FKN SEE ANYTHING ABOUT ME.

BECAUSE MAYBE IF THEY DID SEE IT... 

MAYBE IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN FKN 
ONE-SIDED BS THAT WORE ME TF OUT!

DISHONESTY AND BS!

AFTER THOSE TWO SPECIFIC DUDES....
AFTER MY LAST RELATIONSHIP....
WHICH WAS RIGHT AFTER MR 12-YEAR DISCARD....


FUNNY HOW THEY ALL THEM HAVE NAMES NOW!

HEAD PUNCHER....
MIRROR SMASHER...
12 YEAR DISCARD...

I DON'T WANT TO FKN FIND OUT ABOUT ANYONE ANYMORE!
WHY WOULD I WANT TO?

AND WHEN THEY REALIZE IT'S NOT WORKING OUT
WITH SOMEONE ELSE.....
THEN THEY WANT TO TRY TO SWING AROUND TO ME?
WTF?

NO... I WAS BEING TREATED LIKE A FKN SECRET....
BECAUSE HE CHOSE SOMEONE ELSE....
HE THOUGHT WAS GOING TO BE BETTER THAN ME...
AND DIDN'T TELL ME HE WAS WITH SOMEONE ELSE!!!!!

AND NOW.... THAT I'M BUILDING.... 
SOMETHING FOR MYSELF.... 
AND HAVE MOVED AHEAD.....
LIKE I HAVE A RIGHT TO DO.... 

LIKE HE WOULD HAVE A RIGHT TO DO... 
IF I HAD TRIED PULLING ANY TYPE OF SH*T ON HIM!

IF I WAS "SECRETLY" WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
KEPT FKING HIM AROUND... 

NOW THAT HE WANTS SOMETHING FROM ME...
NOW HE HAS THE "BALLS" TO TALK TO ME?

AND IN HIS FIRST MESSAGE TO ME WAS ABOUT "WORK."
"INTERESTING LINE OF WORK."

HE JUST SAW ME AS A FKN OPPORTUNITY.
FK THAT.

"JUST BE NICE TO HER."
FK THEM. 

WERE YOU NICE TO ME BEFORE?
OR WERE YOU TRYING TO FKN GASLIGHT ME?

INTO THINKING MY REACTION TO YOUR BS
WAS THE ISSUE, NOT THE BS?

WHY WOULD I GO BACK TO THAT SHIT?

TOO MUCH THAT THEY WOULD NEED TO REALIZE...
TO BE ON THE SAME PAGE AS I AM...

AND I'M NOT RE-READING BOOKS I'VE ALREADY READ.

THOUGHT I WAS BLUFFING?

I CAN WISH PEOPLE WELL AND NOT WANT TO GIVE THEM
YET ANOTHER CHANCE THEY WILL LIKELY FKN WASTE.
LIKE HOW THEY WASTED THEIR OTHER CHANCES.

"I DON'T HAVE TO GIVE CHANCES LIKE CANDIES."

"SHE STILL FEELS SOMETHING FOR ME...."
WHY WOULD I? 12 YEARS LATER?
AFTER THEY TREATED ME LIKE SH*T!

KILLED MY ABILITY TO SEE THEM....
THE WAY I USED TO!

FOOLISH TO THINK I WOULD!

I DON'T TRUST THAT.
TRIED TO TEMPT ME WITH SOMETHING....
I AM NO LONGER INTERESTED IN.

CAN'T PUT ME IN A POSITION THAT I DON'T WANT.
I DON'T WANT WHAT I USED TO.

WHY WOULD I TRUST THAT? 
12 YEARS LATER?

WOULD YOU?
WOULD HE?

SERIOUSLY?!!!! WTF?

WHEN YOU DO A BUNCH OF BS TO SOMEONE... 
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT THEM TO TRUST YOU?

EVEN ONE FKN IOTA?

WOULDN'T YOU THINK:
"THEY WANT SOMETHING!"?

AND JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT SOMETHING...
DOES NOT MEAN THAT THEY GET TO HAVE WHAT THEY WANT!
DOES NOT MEAN I NEED TO KNOW WHAT THEY WANT!
KNOWING THEY WANT SOMETHING IS ENOUGH!

BECAUSE 12 YEARS AGO.... SURE.... 
I WANTED JUST BASIC FKN RESPECT.
JUST THAT.

BUT DID I GET IT? NO?

MAYBE I WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE RECEPTIVE.... HUH?
BUT WHEN IT LOOKS LIKE A DIRTY OFFER, 
BECAUSE I DIDN'T EVEN GET BASIC RESPECT...
AND I GET A HALF-ASS FAKE-ASS APOLOGY....
WHICH IS MORE LIKE A FKN INSULT....

LOOKS DIRTY AND GROSS, UNREAL....
WHY WOULD I TRUST THAT SH*T?

I WAS PROTECTED FROM THAT BS FOR ALL THESE YEARS.

DIDN'T WORK OUT FOR A REASON, OR MANY...
ACTED LIKE HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HE WANTED!
AVOIDED ACCOUNTABILITY!
FOR EVEN TREATING ME LIKE SH*T!

WHY TREAT ME LIKE SH*T AT ALL?
WAS I DOING THAT SH*T TO HIM? NO?
THEN WHY FKN DO THAT SH*T TO ME?
WAS THAT FAIR TO ME? NO?
THEN WHY WOULD I PUT MYSELF INTO ANYTHING
THAT ALREADY WAS NOT FKN FAIR?
WOULD IT MAGICALLY BE FAIR 12 YEARS LATER?
FK NO!

TO THINK I AM STUPID IS PRETTY FKN STUPID!
AND TO TRY TO TREAT ME LIKE I AM!

WHY SHOULD THEY HAVE THEIR HAPPILY-EVER-AFTER...
THAT THEY COULD HAVE HAD.....
THAT THEY THREW AWAY?
FOR WHATEVER THEY THOUGHT....
WAS GOING TO BE?
THAT THEY INVESTED IN?

WANTED TO THROW ME AWAY, RIGHT?
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE I DIDN'T MATTER?
LIKE I WASN'T WORTH BASIC CONSIDERATION?

HMMM! 

I AM NOT YOUR FKN EXIT PLAN
FROM A RELATIONSHIP YOU CHOSE OVER ME....
WHEN I WAS ACTUALLY INTERESTED....
IN SOMETHING REAL.

BUT NOW.... SINCE I WAS PUT THROUGH ALL THAT SH*T...
I'M NOT INTERESTED.
WOULD YOU BE?
WOULD HE BE?

WOULD YOU WANT TO BE "SECOND CHOICE 12 YEARS LATER"?
BECAUSE "FIRST CHOICE WASN'T WHO THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE"?

WHEN YOU COULD HAVE BEEN FIRST AND ONLY CHOICE?

WHAT HAPPENS? WHEN YOU REFUSE SOMETHING REAL?
YOU GET SOMETHING FAKE!

YOU DON'T GET TO GO BACK TO THE "REAL THING"
AND SAY: "THAT WAS A MISTAKE."

12 YEARS LATER??????!!!!
"I DIDN'T GIVE A*** A CHANCE!"
"I LET HER THINK I WAS INITIALLY INTERESTED."
"I GAVE HER AN ILLUSION TO BELIEVE IN."
"I MADE IT HARD TO TALK TO ME."
"I PUSHED HER AWAY REPEATEDLY."
"I TREATED HER LIKE SH*T."
"I TREATED HER IN WAYS SHE DIDN'T DESERVE."
"EVEN THOUGH I KNEW SHE DIDN'T."
"EVEN THOUGH SHE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO ME."
"I WAS JUST TRYING TO USE HER."
"I WAS JUST BEING SELFISH."
"I THOUGHT I WAS WINNING."

I'M NOT SOMEONE WHO'S GOING TO "JUMP ON"
SUDDEN ATTENTION
FROM AN AVOIDANT 12 YEARS LATER.

BECAUSE THEY THINK THEY CAN GET SOMETHING FROM ME.
"WELP, I'M GETTING A DIVORCE....
BETTER SEE WHAT A***'S DOING?"

WTF???

I START BUILDING SOMETHING....
AND THEN PEOPLE COME BACK?
WHEN I WAS NEVER FKN WAITING FOR THEM?
WHY WOULD I?

I DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT!

EVEN IF HE APOLOGIZED TO ME....
FOR DISCARDING ME... 

WOULD IT MAKE A DIFFERENCE?
WHAT DIFFERENCE WOULD IT MAKE?

WOULD IT MEAN SOMETHING?
FROM SOMEONE WHO'D DO THAT TO ME?

WOULD IT MEAN SOMETHING TO YOU?
WOULD IT MEAN SOMETHING TO THEM?

WOULDN'T I RATHER BE ALONE?
THAN DEAL WITH BS LIKE THAT?

RUNNERS SEEM TO RETURN
WHEN YOU DON'T CHASE THEM.
BUT WHY WOULD I?
WHY WOULD I BE INTERESTED IN THAT?

JUST TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT SOME MORE?

JUST BECAUSE THEY AREN'T GETTING SOMETHING
FROM SOMEONE ELSE?

"ARE YOU OPEN TO GIVING ME ANOTHER CHANCE?"
HOW MANY CHANCES DID I ACTUALLY GIVE?
HOW MANY SHOULD I HAVE GIVEN?

AND PEOPLE WHO TRY TO FK ME AROUND...
LEARN, OFTEN, WHY THEY SHOULDN'T. 

I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING DIRECTLY.
I JUST TURN THEM "LOOSE."

THEY GET WHAT THEY GET.
THEY GET NOTHING OUT OF FKING ME AROUND.
THEY END UP GETTING NOTHING FOR DOING IT.

LIKE I WOULD GET NOTHING...
FOR FKING SOMEONE ELSE AROUND.

BUT... WHY DISCARD SOMEONE....
AND BE LIKE: "A***, YOU'RE BLUFFING."
WHY WOULD I BE "BLUFFING"?
BEING DISCARDED....
IS.... BEING DISCARDED.
JUST THAT.

GOING TO DIG THROUGH 12 YEARS OF DISCARDS....
"LOOKING FOR A***"
"LIKE A*** WAS GOING TO WANT TO PICK BACK UP....
WHERE WE LEFT OFF"?

WELL, WHEN WE LEFT OFF....
YOU DISCARDED ME.

RIGHT?

THEN?
WTF DO YOU WANT 12 YEARS LATER?

TO DO IT ALL AGAIN? FK NO! FKKKKKKK NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOULD YOU BE TEMPTED BY SOMEONE WHO DISCARDED YOU?
"LOOK! HE'S BACK! HE'S GOING TO VALIDATE ME NOW!"
LIKE I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY ABOUT THAT!

BUT OBVIOUSLY HE WANTED SOMETHING!

YOU DON'T SHOW UP 12 YEARS LATER....
FOR NO FKN REASON!

NOT "JUST TO SAY HELLO."
BECAUSE HE COULD HAVE SAID HELLO 12 YEARS AGO!
RIGHT?!

AND NOT DISCARDED ME!

"A*** WILL COMPROMISE!
ACCUSED ME OF BEING MANIPULATIVE!
I CAN CONTROL HER!"

THE.FK.YOU.CAN.B*TCH!

NOT BECAUSE HE "MAGICALLY CARED!"
I KNOW THIS!

Getting this out of my system... 
It's been a long time coming, I guess. 

It's like every time I try to express my feelings
ABOUT FKN ANYTHING....
I GET SH*T ON ABOUT IT AND FOR IT.

NO MATTER "WHAT YOUR SKILLS" ARE....
TRYING TO COME BACK TO SOMEONE
YOU LITERALLY DISCARDED.....

YOU LITERALLY DISCARDED THEM!

AND ANYTIME I ACHIEVE ANYTHING, 
PEOPLE SEEM TO GET JEALOUS... 
WHEN THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE
IN MY FKN CORNER!

HOW CAN YOU DISCARD SOMEONE
FOR 12 FKN YEARS....
AND BE LIKE: "LET'S MAKE UP!"

YOU.FKN.DISCARDED.ME.12.YEARS.AGO.
WHAT'S THERE TO MAKE UP?

IT WASN'T A "FIGHT."
IT WAS A FIGHT WE NEVER HAD TO HAVE, FOR ONE... 
IT WAS A FIGHT YOU CHOSE TO HAVE, FOR TWO...
IT WAS A FIGHT I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE OR DESERVE, THREE.

IT COULD HAVE BEEN A WHAT? CONVERSATION.
THAT'S IT.

DO I NEED TO KNOW ALL THE DETAILS?
OF WHAT WAS GOING ON BEHIND THE SCENES?

OR DO I JUST NEED TO KNOW HOW I WAS BEING TREATED?
HOW I WAS BEING TREATED SAID ENOUGH.

BECAUSE.... I COULD HAVE...
BEEN TREATED....
PROPERLY.

JUST THAT.

THOUGHT YOU COULD GET WHAT YOU WANTED BY HOLDING BACK?
NO. WANTED TO DESTABILIZE ME? CONFUSE ME?

THAT WAS MANIPULATION.

I WASN'T TRYING TO MANIPULATE.
I DIDN'T DESERVE ANY OF THAT.

I STABILIZED MYSELF.
EMOTIONALLY.

I DON'T PLAY "JEALOUSY" GAMES OR ANY GAMES.
THAT IS TOXIC SH*T.

IF I WAS INTO TOXIC SH*T, THAT'D BE UNHEALTHY. RIGHT?
WHAT'S HEALTHY IS REALIZING I COULD HAVE....
SOMETHING REAL AND HEALTHY.

LIKE I ACTUALLY WANTED.
AND INTENDED TO HAVE.

THOUGHT I COULD HAVE....
UNTIL I WAS FKN SHOWN OTHERWISE.

HOW CAN YOU SEE SOMEONE THE SAME AFTER THAT?
YOU CAN'T!

WHEN SOMEONE TRIES TO "MAKE YOU FEEL INSECURE"
WHEN YOU ACTUALLY DON'T HAVE A REASON TO....

GAMES. ALL IT WAS....
IF I WAS TOXIC, I WOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE PLAYING, RIGHT?

WAS I? OR WAS I FOR REAL?

BUT "A***, YOU CAN BE THE SWING AROUND 12 YEARS LATER."
WHY WOULD I FKN WANT TO BE THAT?

"AFTER I DISCARD YOU, TOO."

"YOU COOL WITH THAT?" FK NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FK OFF WITH THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOULD HE BE COOL WITH THAT SH*T??????????/
FROM ME??????????

FOR REAL? PROBABLY NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHY WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT SH*T?

LET WHOEVER TF YOU CHOSE BE YOUR LESSON!
SHOULD I HAVE TO DIRECTLY TEACH YOU?

NO! YOU GET WHAT YOU GET!
YOU FK OVER SOMEONE REAL, 
YOU GET SOMEONE FAKE!

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS!
EVERY TIME!
WITHOUT FAIL!
REGARDLESS OF ME.

THAT IS WHY I DO NOT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING!
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS BE REAL!
THAT'S IT!

IF THEY CAN'T SEE THAT....
AND I'M NOT "ENOUGH"....
DON'T FKN TREAT ME LIKE SH*T....
AND CHANGE YOUR MIND 12 YEARS LATER....
WHEN SOMEONE ELSE....
ISN'T WHO THEY SAID THEY WERE!!!!!!!

DON'T FKN DARE DO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHEN YOU "FALL FOR"
SOMEONE'S BS....
INSTEAD OF JUST HAVING SOMETHING REAL... 

AND DISCARD "THE REAL ONE."
YOU GET WHAT YOU GET.

AND YES, OFTEN THE "REAL ONES" ARE REMEMBERED.
BUT... THEY ARE TOO REAL
TO WANT TO GO BACK TO BS.

SHOULD I BE LAUGHING ABOUT THIS?
BECAUSE THIS SHOULD BE FUNNY!

BUT IT'S FKN STUPID THAT ANYONE SEES MY VALUE
WHEN THEY COMPARE ME TO WHAT "DIDN'T WORK."
THAT THEY "WANTED MORE" THAN ME.
THAT THEY "DISCARDED" ME FOR.

WITHOUT GIVING ME THE PROPER CHANCE I DESERVED!

SO FK THAT!

ALL I EVER HAD TO DO WAS BE REAL.
THAT'S ALL.