September 17th Part 1

 It's not like I'm claiming to be "perfect" or anything. 

I'm not. Not by any stretch of the imagination. 

For years, I didn't know I have BPD... 

Would have been good to know that.

BPD is a mood disorder.

IT'S NOT MY ENTIRE PERSONALITY.

Yes, like every other person, I have FLAWS.

I ALSO MAKE MISTAKES, TOO. 

BUT CERTAIN THINGS... I WOULDN'T DO.

BECAUSE I'D LIKE TO THINK I'M MATURE ENOUGH

NOT TO FKN DO THOSE THINGS.

WHEN I PULL A "THEM" ON "THEM,"

THEY DON'T LIKE IT.

WHY WOULD THEY?

THEY LIKE IT AS MUCH AS I DID, EH?

P*SSES THEM OFF, EH?

So.... No...

THEY CAN STAND ON THEIR SH*T.

AND IF THAT MAKES ME "TOXIC"

THEN I'M FKN NUCLEAR TOXIC AND I DGAF.

IF THERE WAS NO SH*TTINESS...

NOTHING TO PLAY BACK TO THEM....

OR "REMIND" THEM OF

WHEN THEY "FORGET."

WHAT PROBLEM WOULD I HAVE WITH THEM?

ANY?

PROBABLY NOT!

BUT WHAT I GOT TIRED OF....

IS BEING "MADE THE PROBLEM"

AND HAVING TO GO THROUGH THE BS

THAT P*SSED ME OFF IN THE FIRST PLACE... 

AND BLAMED FOR IT.

1) NOT COOL

2) NOT MATURE

3) NOT HERE FOR THAT SH*T

4) THEY WOULDN'T BE COOL WITH IT EITHER!

FKN DOUBLE STANDARDS:

THEY THINK THEY CAN TREAT ME HOWEVER, 

BUT WHEN I GIVE IT RIGHT BACK...

"HOW DARE YOU!"

AND SOMETIMES I DON'T DO THAT SH*T BACK TO THEM.

I DIDN'T BEAT MY EX TO A PULP. 

COULD HAVE REALLY HURT HIM. 

CHOSE NOT TO HIT HIM BACK.

COULD I HAVE? YEAH!

I BROKE THAT KID'S NOSE IN THE 1RST GRADE.

I KNOW I CAN DO DAMAGE IF I WANTED TO.

WITHOUT EVEN TRYING THAT HARD.

BUT AM I OUT THERE? DOING THAT?

OR DID I LEARN WHEN I WAS 7 YEARS OLD....

THAT I COULD ACTUALLY HURT SOMEONE?

BECAUSE I DID!

I BUSTED HIS NOSE!

MADE HIM CRY. LIKE A "BABY."

FOR FKN PESTERING ME RELENTLESSLY EVERY DAY.

HE STOPPED AFTER THAT.

DID I FEEL BAD THAT I ACTUALLY HURT HIM? YEAH.

ALL I WAS TRYING TO DO WAS SHOW HIM.

WHY NOT TO FK WITH ME.

WAS HE EXPECTING ME TO CLOCK HIM? NO!

HE SAW ME AS A "BABY."

HE THOUGHT I WASN'T GOING TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

IF I DIDN'T, HE WOULDN'T HAVE STOPPED HIS CRAP.

IMAGINE HAVING TO SAY: "A GIRL BROKE MY NOSE..."

A 7 YEAR OLD GIRL! A FIRST GRADER!

WHY THOUGH? PROBABLY DIDN'T TELL ANYONE

HOW FKN RELENTLESS HE WAS WITH HIS CRAP.

RIGHT?

UNTIL I HAD "ENOUGH"?

AND WHEN I DID....

I GOT SUSPENDED FROM SCHOOL FOR THAT. 

My mother would tell me things like:

TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT.

THEY DON'T. 

BUT I LEARNED FROM ACTUALLY HURTING SOMEONE

THAT I ACTUALLY COULD.

WITHOUT TRYING ALL THAT HARD. 

OR MEANING TO. 

I JUST MEANT TO POP HIM ONE IN THE FACE.

I DIDN'T THINK I'D BREAK HIS NOSE.

IT WASN'T LIKE:

"I'M GOING TO BREAK HIS NOSE..."

IT WAS LIKE: "HE'S ALWAYS RIGHT BEHIND ME

EVERY TIME I GET INSIDE AFTER RECESS."

RIGHT BEHIND ME, PICKING ON ME, WITH HIS CRAP.

I KNEW THAT ALL I HAD TO DO WAS WAIT FOR IT.

AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS TURN AROUND.

AND JUST POP HIM.

So I did! Imagine his surprise!

POP! BROKEN NOSE!

I'm not advocating "vi0lence."

TWO WRONGS DO NOT MAKE A RIGHT!!!!!!!!

NOT WITH ANY STRETCH OF THE IMAGINATION!

I'm only telling the story...

BECAUSE I LEARNED FROM THAT.

MAYBE HE DID, TOO. 

BUT I LEARNED THAT IT WAS POSSIBLE

FOR ME TO REALLY, ACTUALLY, HURT SOMEONE.

AND THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN ASSAULT, TOO. 

BUT NOT LIKE THEY COULD CHARGE A 7 YEAR OLD.