Still writing, just not posting every day.
Not like I can right now. But that's okay.
I can still write at least.
Been catching up on some other stuff...
Which was why I took a break from writing.
Although I'm disappointed with the way things turned out...
HOW CAN I BE SURPRISED?
VERY RARELY DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY APPRECIATE HAVING ME IN THEIR LIFE.
THEY'D HAVE TO BE IN MINE AND MAKE THAT EFFORT.
THEY RARELY DO.
AND THEY CAN'T SAY THEY KNOW ME.
WHY BE IN MY LIFE?
And I'd rather have people in my life
WHO TOOK THE TIME TO ACTUALLY KNOW ME.
MOSTLY JUDGED BY PEOPLE WHO NEVER KNEW ME
BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T TRYING TO.
DID IT P*SS ME OFF? YEAH.
BUT WHY SHOULD I CARE IF THEY KEEP SHOWING ME
THAT THEY DON'T?
SHOULD I? FK THAT.
BESIDES, I HAVE THINGS GOING ON, FOR MYSELF.
THEY AREN'T FOR PEOPLE WHO WEREN'T THERE.
WHO ONLY SHOW BACK UP WHEN I'M BUILDING SOMETHING...
WHO ASK ME HOW I'M DOING....
BUT NEVER ASKED IN 12 FKN YEARS...
BECAUSE I WAS DEAD TO THEM....
BECAUSE THEY GHOSTED ME.
PEOPLE DON'T "MAGICALLY" START CARING.
AND IF THEY DO...
WHY SHOULD I CARE THAT THEY "GREW A HEART"?
I WASN'T AROUND FOR THEM TO "GET TO KNOW"
BECAUSE OF WHAT THEY CHOSE.
SO WHY SHOULD THEY GET TO "CHANGE THEIR MIND"
ABOUT ME WHEN THEY NEVER FKN KNEW ME?
AND THEY NEVER KNEW ME
BECAUSE OF HOW THEY WERE TREATING ME
BECAUSE THEY NEVER FKN KNEW ME...
Just ironic.... That I'm coding now etc....
AND NOW THEY ARE SUDDENLY "INTERESTED"?
WELP, YOU GHOSTED ME...
YOU DON'T GET TO BE INTERESTED OR IN MY LIFE
BECAUSE YOU DID THAT SH*T TO ME.
WHILE KNOWING I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT SH*T.
WHILE KNOWING I TRUSTED YOU NOT TO.
AND ALL I DID WAS BE UPSET
THAT I WASN'T BEING TREATED FAIRLY.
SO TOXIC, EH?
IF THINGS WERE FAIR, WOULD I HAVE BEEN UPSET? NO?
JUST THAT.
SO EVERYONE CAN SAY WHATEVER THEY WANT TO.
ABOUT ME WITHOUT KNOWING ME.
BECAUSE I DGAF WHAT THEY THINK OR SAY.
THEY CAN SAY WHATEVER, THEY DO ANYWAY!
BUT DOESN'T MEAN THEY WERE EVER RIGHT ABOUT ME.
HOW COULD THEY BE? DO THEY KNOW ME? NO?
DID THEY EVER ASK:
"WHY AM I LISTENING TO SOMEONE TALK SH*T ABOUT A***
WHO DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HER?"
"HOW DO YOU KNOW XYZ ABOUT A***? YOU DON'T KNOW HER!"
THEY DON'T! THEY JUST EAT UP THE BS.
LIKE IT WAS GOSPEL TRUTH FFS.
SO I'LL LET THEM DO THAT.
SINCE THAT'S WHAT THEY WANTED TO DO.
THEY WANTED TO INSULT ME AND GHOST ME...
SO SAYING "FINE." MAKES ME "TOXIC"
AND ACTING OUT BECAUSE OF IT...
WOULD BE THEM SAYING: "I WAS RIGHT! SHE'S CRAZY!"
SO THEN? THEY CAN ALL JUST FK OFF...
AND LEAVE ME ALONE!
IF THEY CAN'T FKN BE DECENT TO ME!
I'D RATHER BE "ALONE" THAN PUT UP WITH THAT SH*T
CONSTANTLY AND EXCLUSIVELY.
LIKE THAT'S ALL I'M "WORTH" OR SOMETHING. FK THAT.
I'D RATHER BE LIKED AND ACCEPTED BY THOSE WHO TRIED.
WHO SHOWED ME DECENCY AND RESPECT.
FROM DAY ONE.
NOT BY PEOPLE WHO LISTENED TO BS
AND JUDGED ME ON THAT BS.
FK THAT.
WHY WOULD PEOPLE WHO TALK SH*T ABOUT ME
WANT THE PEOPLE THEY TELL THAT SH*T TO....
TO BELIEVE IT? HMMM?
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT THAT PERSON
THEY CONVINCED ABOUT ME
TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME!
THAT'S WHY!
AND IF THEY FALL FOR THAT....
THEY CAN STAND ON IT.
"IF I MAKE A*** MAD AT THEM....
SHE'LL BE TOO MAD TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM..."
AND "IF I CONVINCE XYZ OF XYZ.... THEY'LL BELIEVE ME, NOT A***."
ONE OF THE OLDEST FKN TRICKS IN THE BOOK!
AND ANYONE WHO FALLS FOR IT
SHOULDN'T GET A "SEAT AT MY TABLE."
WHY SHOULD THEY GET ANYTHING FROM ME?
WHY SHOULDN'T I HAVE BEEN UPSET?
WAS THAT SH*T FAIR TO ME? NO?
What's FAIR is letting them think whatever tf they want to!
EVEN ABOUT ME!
AND NOT HAVING TO CONVINCE THEM OF FKN ANYTHING!
NOT EVEN THE TRUTH!
AND NOT WANTING TO DEAL WITH THAT BS.
WHY WOULD I WANT TO?
AND LIVING MY LIFE REGARDLESS OF WHAT PEOPLE THINK.
OR THOUGHT BECAUSE THEY WERE FED BS...
IT WAS INFURIATING BECAUSE IT WAS UNFAIR.
AND UNFAIR TO EXPECT ME TO "FORGET"
12 YEARS LATER...
AND BEING ACCUSED OF BEING MANIPULATIVE
HOW IS MOVING ON WITH MY OWN LIFE
AND LETTING THEM MOVE ON WITHOUT ME....
FOR 12 YEARS "MANIPULATING" ANYONE?
IF I CAN'T GET SOMETHING WITH MY OWN MERIT,
SHOULD I WANT IT?
SHOULD I EVEN CARE ABOUT IT OR WANTING IT?
PEOPLE USED TO DO THAT CRAP AT SCHOOL.
I DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD CONTINUE AFTER SCHOOL.
BUT IF THAT'S THE MENTALIY THEY STILL HAVE...
IS IT WORTH IT TO ME? NO!
ANY "FRIENDS" TAKEN FROM ME WITH LIES.
WEREN'T REAL FRIENDS TO BEGIN WITH.
AND SOMEONE WHO WASN'T A REAL FRIEND...
DOESN'T GET TO BE MY "LOVER."
IT BUGS ME WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT SH*T...
BECAUSE IF THEY DIDN'T SEE "POTENTIAL"
THEY WOULDN'T HAVE A "REASON" TO DO IT.
BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO "RUIN" THE POTENTIAL.
AND IF THEY REALLY GO HARD TO DO IT....
THEY SAW A LOT OF POTENTIAL THERE.
WHICH MEANS THERE PROBABLY WAS A LOT OF POTENTIAL.
RIGHT?
"HOW DARE A*** HAVE THIS MUCH POTENTIAL!"
"LET'S CONVINCE THE PEOPLE WHO WOULD HAVE SUPPORTED
AND CARED ABOUT HER...
THAT SHE'S XYZ..."
HOW MANY TIMES DID THAT HAPPEN? TOO MANY.
I FIND OUT WHEN THEY TURN ON ME.
SO MANY TIMES THAT I SEE IT FOR WHAT IT IS.
I CAN'T FORCE ANYONE ELSE TO SEE IT.
IF IT HAPPENED TO THEM, THEY'D SEE IT.
THEY'D UNDERSTAND IT.
THEY WOULDN'T FALL FOR IT.
THEY'D BE BETTER THAN THAT.
AND IS IT MY FAULT IF THEY AREN'T BETTER THAN THAT?
IS IT MY FAULT FOR THINKING THEY WERE?
FOR HOPING THEY WERE BETTER THAN THAT?
I DID HOPE. HAD HOPE.
HAD INTEREST.
HAD POTENTIAL.
IF I HAD NO POTENTIAL, THEY WOULD HAVE LEFT ME ALONE!
I WOULDN'T BE A "TARGET."
I WOULDN'T HAVE EVER BEEN TREATED LIKE THAT.
I WOULD HAVE HAD WHAT THEY CONVINCED EVERYONE OUT OF.
NOT THAT THOSE THINGS WERE MORE IMPORTANT TO ME
THAN EVERYTHING ELSE....
NOT AS IMPORTANT AS THE PEOPLE DOING THAT CRAP
THOUGHT IT WAS.
BECAUSE IT MEANS EVERYTHING TO THEM.
THAT'S WHY THEY DO IT TO THIS DEGREE TO ME.
BECAUSE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO MEAN
WHAT IT MEANT TO THEM.
TO INFLICT MAX DAMAGE.
TO MAKE ME "FEEL" LIKE I WASN'T WORTH A DAMN.... EVER.
TO FK WITH MY HEAD ABOUT MY OWN WORTH AS A PERSON.
SO THAT I'D RELAPSE OR SOMETHING ELSE.
"IF A*** HAS NO FRIENDS, SHE'LL K*LL HERSELF LIKE HER DAD DID."
SURE, IT'S NICE TO HAVE FRIENDS.
BUT... I'D RATHER HAVE ACTUAL FRIENDS. REAL FRIENDS.
FAKE FRIENDS FALL FOR BS.
THEY NEVER WERE MY FRIENDS.
OR THEY WOULD HAVE SEEN RIGHT THROUGH IT.
THEY WOULD HAVE REALIZED HOW FKN UNFAIR IT ACTUALLY WAS
AND WHY I WAS UPSET ABOUT IT.
AND WOULD HAVE REALIZED OTHER THINGS ABOUT ME.
ABOUT THE "CONVINCERS" AND ABOUT THEMSELVES.
BUT THEY DIDN'T.
SO I LIVE WITH THE FACTS OF WHAT HAPPENED.
AND WHAT SEEMS TO KEEP HAPPENING...
AND HOW I FELT ABOUT IT...
I HAD A RIGHT TO FEEL.
NO MATTER HOW ANYONE FEELS ABOUT
HOW I FELT AND FEEL ABOUT IT.
BECAUSE IF IT WAS DONE TO THEM,
THEY'D PROBABLY FEEL A TYPE OF WAY ABOUT IT...
AND THEY'D HAVE A RIGHT TO!
SO SHOULDN'T I HAVE THAT SAME RIGHT?
TO FEEL A TYPE OF WAY ABOUT BEING TREATED UNFAIRLY?
IF THAT'S ALL I'M EVEN DOING....
FEELING A TYPE OF WAY....
ABOUT BEING TREATED UNFAIRLY....
WHICH I SHOULD HAVE A RIGHT TO DO....
BECAUSE THEY WOULD, TOO...
THEN... SURE.
LET THEM TELL EVERYONE HOW "TOXIC" I AM
AND LET THEM LIE ABOUT WHAT THEY DID.
AND "FORGET" THEY EVEN DID IT.
FUNNY HOW THEY CAN "FORGET" ABOUT ME FOR 12 YEARS...
AND IF THEY WANT SOMETHING...
I'M SUPPOSED TO RE-OPEN THE DOOR THEY SLAMMED IN THEIR FACE.
BUT NO. I DON'T WANT TO.
NOT AFTER THAT.
AND SAYING SO... MAKES ME "TOXIC."
SLAMMING THE DOOR IN THEIR OWN FACE...
AND EXPECTING ME TO RE-OPEN IT
WITHOUT FACING ANYTHING THEY DID OR SAID...
AND EXPECTING ME TO "FORGET"
JUST SO THEY CAN GET SOMETHING THEY WANT....
AND TRY TO TRIGGER ME AGAIN WITH INSULTS...
IS ACTUALLY FKN TOXIC.
LETTING PEOPLE GO LIVE THEIR LIVES....
LIKE THEY WANTED TO...
WITHOUT ME...
IS HEALTHY.
THEY CAN'T SAY IT ISN'T.
BECAUSE THEY KNOW IT IS.
AND THEY KNOW IT KNOCKS THEIR FALSE NARRATIVE
OUT OF THE WATER.
I'D HAVE BEEN PLAYING GAMES WITH THEM
IF I WAS TOXIC.
I WOULD HAVE ACTED OUT...
I WOULD HAVE DONE A BUNCH OF THINGS...
IF I WAS SO TOXIC THAT I COULDN'T CONTROL MYSELF.
BUT WHY SHOULD I "HOLD MY TONGUE"
WHEN IT COMES TIME TO CALL SOMEONE OUT?
IF THEY HAD SOMETHING TO ACTUALLY CALL ME OUT FOR....
THEY COULD!
BUT THEY DON'T!
BECAUSE I DON'T DO A PLENTITUDE OF BS
TO BE CALLED OUT FOR!
AND I'M NOT THE SAME PERSON I WAS IN MY 20s.
BUT EVEN IN MY TEENS, I WASN'T IGNORANT ENOUGH
TO DO CERTAIN THINGS
THAT I ALREADY KNEW WERE BS.
IF I SAW POTENTIAL.... THEY WERE ALLOWED TO HAVE IT!
LIKE I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ALLOWED TO HAVE POTENTIAL!
BUT JUST BECAUSE I SAW POTENTIAL....
DIDN'T MEAN THEY WERE GOING TO REACH IT.
BECAUSE THAT WAS UP TO THEM, NOT ME.
THEY'D ONLY REACH IT IF THEY SAW THEIR OWN POTENTIAL.
AND EVEN IF THEY DID.... THEY HAD TO REACH IT
FOR THEMSELVES.
AND IF SOMEONE REACHES THEIR POTENTIAL
DESPITE THE SUPPORT THAT WAS "TAKEN AWAY"
OUT OF JEALOUSY ETC...
THEY HAD IT ALL ALONG.
AND IT NEVER DEPENDED ON ANYTHING
THAT COULD BE "TAKEN AWAY"
WITH LIES AND BS.
This is what intelligent people
WHO HAVE INTEGRITY
FACE CONSTANTLY.
AND WHY THEY MOSTLY KEEP TO THEMSELVES.
BECAUSE OF THAT SH*T.
BECAUSE "IF EVERYONE SEES A*** LIKE XYZ...
THEY WON'T GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO HER TO SEE IT WAS BS."
AND TO WRITE THIS WHEN I'M 42 FKN YEARS OLD IS FKN WILD TO ME.
WILL I HAVE TO WRITE IT AGAIN?
WHEN I'M 84?
OR WILL PEOPLE BE DONE WITH THEIR SH*T BY THEN?
"A*** WILL GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE!
SHE ALREADY GAVE ME 50+ CHANCES!"
YES... BUT YOUR LAST CHANCE....
THAT YOU BLEW....
BY SLAMMING THE DOOR IN YOUR OWN FACE...
WAS THE LAST CHANCE.
THAT THEY COULD HAVE TAKEN....
LIKE THEIR FIRST CHANCE....
THAT THEY WANTED TO WASTE AND THROW AWAY.
TIME AND TIME AGAIN...
BECAUSE I WASN'T "WORTH" IT TO THEM.
IF I WASN'T "WORTH IT" THEN....
WHY WOULD I BE 12 YEARS LATER?
BECAUSE I'M DOING MORE? HAVE MORE?
DID MORE? AM MORE?
OVERCAME MORE?
BECAME EVEN STRONGER BECAUSE OF IT?
FINE ON MY OWN?
WITHOUT THEM?
WORTH ASKING.
THEY "MAGICALLY" SAW MY WORTH?
AND "MAGICALLY" STARTED TO CARE?
I'M SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT?
BECAUSE WHEN THEY COULD HAVE...
DIDN'T WANT TO!
SO NOW THAT I DON'T WANT TO....
ANYMORE....
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T....
I'M TOXIC FOR NOT WANTING TO!!!!!!!!!!
BECAUSE NOT WANTING TO
MEANS THEY CAN'T GET WHATEVER TF THEY WANTED
FROM ME.
AND TO BE ACCUSED OF WANTING SOMETHING I ACTUALLY DIDN'T...
IS JUST AS INSULTING AS THE BS.
IF YOU ASSUME THE BS IS TRUE
AND YOU TREAT SOMEONE LIKE SH*T BECAUSE OF THE BS...
THEY DON'T HAVE TO WANT TO REPEAT THAT SH*T.
THEY.DON'T.HAVE.TO.WANT.TO.
AND IF YOU GET MAD THAT THEY DON'T WANT TO...
THAT SAYS MORE ABOUT YOU THAN IT DOES ABOUT THEM!
ONLY SO LONG YOU KEEP TREATING LIKE SH*T...
BEFORE THEY TELL YOU....
TO GFY!!!!!!
AND YOU CAN BE MAD THAT THEY DO....
BUT WHEN YOU ALREADY WASTED YOUR CHANCES....
YOU DID THAT!!!!!!!!! NOT THEM!
IT'S NOT LIKE I EVEN WANTED "SPECIAL TREATMENT."
TO BE TREATED LIKE AN ACTUAL PERSON
THEY COULD HAVE GOTTEN TO KNOW...
AND HAD THE CHANCE AND TIME TO GET TO KNOW
IF THEY WANTED TO...
THAT WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
BUT TO NOT EVEN BE TREATED LIKE I WAS A FKN HUMAN....
JUST "WORDS ON A SCREEN"
THEY COULD REACT TO HOWEVER...
NOT AN ACTUAL PERSON....
WHO FEELS HOW SHE FEELS FOR A LOT OF ACTUAL REASONS.
THAT GET DEMINISHED OR DISMISSED
LIKE HER FEELINGS
EVERY FKN TIME...
WOULD YOU WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT?
AND BE EXPECTED TO PUT UP WITH IT?
UNTIL YOU EITHER CAN'T OR DON'T WANT TO?
NO? YOU WOULDN'T?
THEN WHY WOULD I?
NOT THAT MY FEELINGS MATTERED MORE THAN HIS,
BUT THEY FKN WERE SUPPOSED TO MATTER!
I WAS TOO! AS A PERSON! I DIDN'T!
SO WHY WOULD I "MAGICALLY MATTER 12 YEARS LATER"?
THAT'S NOT "MAGIC" IT'S SOMETHING ELSE.
IT'S BS.
I wrote some more, but my computer crashed. I lost it.
It was about how... THEY CAN RECALL THE GOOD PARTS.
AND "MISS THE OLD A***."
THE A*** WHO PUT UP WITH TOO MUCH
OF WHAT SHE DIDN'T DESERVE. FOR YEARS.
AND ALL OF THAT BS COULD HAVE AFFECTED HOW I SEE MYSELF.
COULD HAVE AFFECTED MY SELF-ESTEEM LIKE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO.
TO MAKE ME "FEEL" "LESS THAN"
OR WHATEVER...
IT COULD HAVE! IT ALMOST DID.
BUT THE ONLY THING I ACTUALLY DID
WAS BE UPSET FOR BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED.
IF THAT'S THE WORST I DID...
I WASN'T EVER AS BAD AS THEY THOUGHT I WAS
AND TRIED TO MAKE ME THINK I WAS.
I WASN'T.
AND THE TIMES WE HAD NO ISSUES.
WERE TIMES I NEVER FKN CREATED ANY!
THEY FELT DECENT BECAUSE THAT WAS ME BEING REAL.
THEY GET TO REMEMBER THAT AND WISH THEY COULD HAVE IT BACK.
BUT THEY CAN'T....
BECAUSE THEY TOOK ME FOR GRANTED!
ATE UP THE BS!
TREATED ME LIKE SH*T!
FKN FOOLISH TO THINK THEY COULD JUST HAVE THAT BACK!
ESPECIALLY AFTER THEY THREW IT AWAY!
FOR NOTHING!
SOLIDARITY IS A RARITY THEY WON'T BE ABLE TO JUST FIND.
NOT JUST ANYWHERE.
NOT JUST ANYONE.
NOW THEY KNOW THAT, BUT....
DIDN'T WANT TO LISTEN OR CARE.
I'M NOT OBLIGATED TO "CELEBRATE MY WINS"
WITH SOMEONE WHO WANTED ME TO FEEL LIKE SH*T
AND WANTED TO TREAT ME LIKE I DIDN'T FKN MATTER TO THEM.
AND I DON'T GAF IF THAT MAKES PEOPLE MAD.
THEY WERE TOO BUSY TREATING ME LIKE I DIDN'T MATTER.
SO WHY SHOULD I MATTER....
IF I HAVE SOMETHING THAT THEY WANT?
OR IF I CAN DO SOMETHING THEY CAN'T?
OR IF MY "VALUE" TO THEM WERE ONLY TIED TO THOSE THINGS?
IF THEY NEVER SAW ME FOR ME?
MATTERING ONLY MATTERS IF YOU STILL WANT TO MATTER
ABOVE ALL ELSE.
ABOVE EVEN YOUR OWN DIGNITY
THAT YOU WEREN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO HAVE!
BECAUSE THEY WOULD HAVE JUST LET YOU HAVE THAT!
AT THE VERY LEAST! RIGHT?
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