September 18th Part 1

 Sometimes it's hard to sleep. 

Sometimes I think about things I probably shouldn't. 

I've thought about what my ideal partner would be like. 

How certain things would be easy because it'd just... Flow.

How simple and easy it would be to communicate. 

How nice it'd be just to be heard and understood the first time. 

How nice it'd be to be able to actually trust him.

Knowing that I can and that he won't risk my trust.

How nice it'd be that we can just talk about everything... 

Even when we are upset about something. 

But we'd know each other so well that we rarely have any issues with each other...

Because we'd have similar values and think alike... 

Maybe even another Capricorn or earth sign.

Someone down to earth. 

Someone who is independent, who doesn't "need" me. 

Someone who'd want me for me. 

Someone I could trust to the point that intimacy would be off the charts. 

I know that I can actually feel certain things, still.

Even as closed off as I have been... I know what OPEN feels like.

Even after all of that. 

But I also know what OPEN feels like when it actually feels SAFE.

Not just OPEN to the possibility of someone ruining things between us.

Someone who wouldn't want to ruin things between us...

Not that I expect to be 100% satisfied all the time... 

But I know that he wouldn't intentionally disappoint me...

Because he'd know what that feels like.

And he'd actually consider my feelings and actually care about me. 

He'd have learned his own lessons enough not to repeat mistakes he made. 

Especially not with me. 

He'd be real with me because he'd know I was being real with him. 

He's appreciate that about me just as much as I appreciate that about him. 

I wouldn't have to be anything I'm not, for him. 

And I'd be more than enough as I am. 

He wouldn't have to be anything he's not, for me.

And he'd be more than enough as he is.

He'd be mature and see the maturity in me. 

He'd get me in ways I knew was possible but hadn't seen until him. 

I'd get him in ways he knew was possible but hadn't seen until me...

But things would be FAIR, HONEST, ETC.

For both of us. Not just him, not just me.

An actual, meaningful partnership. 

Between grown mature adults. 

Not just a "relationship."

An actual partnership. 

But I'm not in any hurry to "find" him. 

He's not in any hurry to "find" me.

He has his own sh*t to do. In his own life.

Working on whatever stability looks like to him. 

Maybe feeling decent in his own life finally. 

After a lot of bullsh*t he had attempted.

A lot of "I thought this was something it wasn't."

Like I had thought, but learned from, also. 

Sometimes I think about those things. Even though I probably shouldn't. 

Because I've really HAD ENOUGH. 

I don't want to fear trying again...

But I don't want to if it's going to be more BS. Just that.

And finally feeling decent is enough to just feel decent, finally. 

Y'know? Without anything or anyone extra in my life. 

I've focused on my "love life" for long enough that I'd rather focus on other things. 

I'm tired. 

I think I've earned a rest after all that BS.