Not "Broken" (Part 2)

It's crazy how at least a few dudes tried to BREAK me.
Not sure why they tried to... That's BS.

Like I truly was not "supposed to be" happy.
Or something. 

Can't say it's ENVY because I can't see why it would be... 
If it is, that would be surprising to me. 

But... I was thinking about something kind of funny... 

I just woke up, trying to actually be awake....
I had wild dreams... 

I had a dream that I was at a "hospital" or something.... 
And a dude went on a rampage and started k*lling people... 
I was looking for places to hide... 

Then... At one point I saw the dude... 
I rushed him and tackled him... 
And he was arrested. 

In the dream, he k*lled 4 people. 
Then when he got out of prison, he returned to the hospital. 

Because he was "criminally insane."

I had a dream about Mirror Smasher, too.
In the dream, I wrote him a letter... Left it for him to find.

I used to write him letters. I thought I wouldn't see him again.
I did... But... HOW DID THAT TURN OUT?

I TORE THEM UP.

I WAS TRYING TO PROCESS OLD FEELINGS
OR SOMETHING. 

Imagine if I had married him like I thought I would?
WHEN I WAS 4 YEARS OLD?

BUT.... AT 4 YEARS OLD.....
I DID NOT GAF ABOUT MONEY.... 

It's "useful" but... It would not be a "motivator"
for marriage... 

Not for me. 

Just would be cool if D*CKS wore tags... 
"I'M A D*CK, STAY AWAY."

Advance warning so nobody wastes their time finding out. 

Anyway, I don't think I got to that part I thought was funny... 
About dudes trying to "break" me. 

GLOWSTICKS CAN CRACK AND GLOW.

Speaking of cracking... I'd love to see a chiropractor. 
My back needs to be straightened. 
It gets pretty painful sometimes... 

One day I'll be able to do those things. 
And the second half of my life can be comfortable. 

Someone was saying I have to FREE my energy...
FROM MY "MENTAL PRISON"
TO BE ABLE TO APPLY IT....
ELSEWHERE.

ALL IN ALL....
I THINK I GOT MY HOPES UP
FOR SOMETHING I WANTED 
WITH SOMEONE I WANTED TO BE WITH.
AND THOUGHT THAT WE COULD HAVE THAT.

BUT.... WISHFUL.... THINKING. 
RIGHT?

And if.... SOMEONE ISN'T READY?
THEY AREN'T FKN READY!!!!!!!!!!
FOR WHAT YOU WANTED.

AND IF THEY AREN'T READY....
THEY JUST ARE NOT READY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JUST.... INCAPABILITY. JUST THAT.

And..... THAT IS FACT-BASED.
AND CAN I BE ANGRY AT FACTS?
OR ARE FACTS..... JUST FACTS?

I COULD BE ANGRY.....
I WAS..... A LOT OF SH*T 
WAS FKN UNFAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT IF I WASTE ALL MY ENERGY ON THAT SH*T....
WHAT ENERGY DO I HAVE LEFT?
TO DO SOMETHING ELSE WITH?

IF I GAVE 12-YEAR-DISCARD ANOTHER CHANCE....
HE WOULD HAVE DISCARDED ME AGAIN!
BECAUSE HE DID!

BECAUSE HE DIDN'T LIKE HIS SH*T
IN HIS FACE.

BUT I DIDN'T LIKE IT EITHER.

WOULD IT BE FAIR TO GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE?
FAIR TO ME? BECAUSE WHAT DID I GET?
MORE BS?

AND HAVE TO RECOVER FROM THAT SH*T
AGAIN! THANKS FOR THAT! FKR!

COULD HAVE JUST.... LEFT ME ALONE!
I HAD LET HIM GO TO LIVE HIS FKN LIFE!!!!!!!!!!

I DON'T NEED PEOPLE WHO'D DISCARD ME.
OR ABUSE ME BEFORE THEY FKN DO IT, EITHER.

"A***! YOUR REACTIONS ARE THE PROBLEM!"
REALLY?????

WHAT AM I REACTING TO? HMMM?

UNDERSTANDABLY, HE'D BE P*SSED TOO!

SO WOULD HEAD PUNCHER!
IF I PUNCHED HIM IN THE HEAD!

SO WOULD MIRROR SMASHER!
IF I SMASHED AN HEIRLOOM!

IF I HAD TREATED EVERYONE LIKE SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND EXPECTED THEM NOT TO FKN "REACT."
BUT MY "REACTIONS" ARE "ALWAYS"
THE "PROBLEM."

NOT HOW I'M BEING TREATED, EVER! RIGHT? FK!
GIVE ME A FKN BREAK!!!!!!!! FKRS! FK!

MAYBE I'D HAVE NOTHING TO REACT BADLY TO... 
IF I HAD BEEN TREATED LIKE THEY FKN CARED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ABOUT HOW THEY WERE FKN TREATING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

MAYBE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HMMM?

I'VE DEALT WITH SO MUCH BS... 
THAT IT IMPACTED MY "EMOTIONAL WORLD."
FOR A FKN LONG TIME. 

A LONG @SS TIME!

TOO FKN LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OKAY?
TOO LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EVEN A MOMENT OF BS IS TOO LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But... What most people do not understand about me....

THEY COME AT ME BECAUSE THEY THINK I AM WEAK.

PATIENCE LOOKS LIKE FKN SUPPLY!
MY "WILLINGNESS TO KEEP THE PEACE"

DOES NOT MEAN I WON'T CALL IT THE FK  OUT!

THEY THOUGHT MY "TOLERANCE"
WAS FKN STRUCTURAL. NO.

IT WAS A FKN CHOICE.

PEOPLE WHO WERE NEVER FKN TREATED
THE WAY THAT I WAS.....

DON'T LEARN THE THINGS I HAVE!

BECAUSE HOW COULD THEY?
FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS?

THAT'S DIFFERENT....
FROM LEARNING IT YOURSELF.

NOT THAT I FKN WANTED TO, LIKE THIS....

WHEN YOU GET FKD AROUND....
YOU LEARN NOT TO GIVE YOUR ATTENTION EVERYWHERE.

THAT'S NOT BEING COLD. IT'S BEING TIRED. 

TIRED OF BS, AND THERE'S PLENTY OF IT OUT THERE!

"YOU MAKE PEOPLE FEEL THINGS THEY ARE NOT READY TO FEEL."
JUST BY EXISTING. YES. 

BECAUSE MY VOLUME MAKES THEIR VOLUME
OBVIOUS TO THEM.

PEOPLE PUNISH ME FOR BEING "INTIMIDATING."
ARE PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY KNOW ME....
INTIMIDATED BY ME?

AND WHEN THEY ARE "INTIMIDATED"
THEY TRY TO "PUT MY LIGHT OUT."

WAS IT THEIRS TO "PUT OUT"?

BECAUSE THEY WANTED ME TO DOUBT MYSELF!
SURE, HEALTHY DOUBT IS FKN HEALTHY.

BUT KNOWING YOURSELF....
IS SOMETHING ELSE. 

KNOWING MYSELF, THEY CAN'T TAKE OR "BREAK."

"YOUR ENEMIES ADVERTISE FOR YOU."

WHEN THEY SPEAK ABOUT YOU TO PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW YOU...
PEOPLE GET "CURIOUS."

WHO IS THIS PERSON THEY ARE TREATING SH*T ABOUT?
IS IT TRUE?

"THEY HANDED THEM A STORY TO DISMISS YOU."
OKAY. THE WRONG ONES WHO WOULD DISMISS ME
BASED ON BS.... 

DO IT! BECAUSE I DON'T NEED TO BE OR WANT TO BE 
"ACCEPTED" BY PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT BS IS.

PEOPLE WHO HAND ME GARBAGE....
DON'T KNOW WHAT I CAN DO WITH IT. 

I CAN REPURPOSE THINGS! IMAGINE THAT?

EVEN "REJECTION"
EVEN "DISTORTION"

WHATEVER ELSE. BRING IT FKERS! BRING IT!

OTTAWA IS A "TRASH CITY."
LOTS OF "GARBAGE."
LOTS OF "BS."

IT'S FKD!!!!!!!!!!!! FKD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DUMPSTER FIRE. 
WITHIN A BILLION DUMPSTER FIRES.

I guess the analogy was.... What can you do with BS?
YOU CAN USE IT AS FERTILIZER.

UNDERSTAND?

WHEN THEY THINK THEY ARE JUST SH*TTING ON ME.... 
WHAT ARE THEY ACTUALLY DOING?

BUILDING ME?

HMMM. DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING.

BUT... I DIDN'T SEE THE BS COMING... 
WHO WOULD?

SHOULD I BE EXPECTING BS ALL THE TIME?

HOPING THERE'S NONE IS ONE THING....
BUT EXPECTING IT?
YOU CAN'T!

I LEARNED THIS. 

BUT JUST BECAUSE THEY DISH IT.....
AND CAN'T FKN TAKE... 

HE WANTED ACCESS TO ME.... TO "TALK"
TO GET INFO FROM ME.

INFO HE DOES NOT DESERVE ACCESS TO. 

NOT ABOUT ME.
NOT ABOUT MY WORK.
NOT ABOUT ANYTHING. 

THEY REMOVED HIMSELF FROM MY LIFE.
A LONG TIME AGO....

SO WHY SHOULD THEY GET ANYTHING?

"WROTE THEMSELVES OUT OF THE FRONT ROW."
DIDN'T WANT A VIP PASS?

WELP..... NOSE BLEED SECTION IS WAYYYYY UP THERE!!!!!!
BUT.... WHY SHOULD YOU BE INVITED INTO THE "STADIUM"?

INVITED "BACK IN"
AFTER SHOWING YOUR @SS TO ME?

MORE THAN ONCE! 

THEY'D BE LUCKY FOR NOSEBLEED SEATS.

THE STORY ISN'T WHAT PEOPLE DID TO ME....
IT'S WHAT I DID WITH IT.
BECAUSE OF IT.
DESPITE IT. 

FK IT. 

EVERYONE WHO TRIED TO FK WITH ME...
WILL HEAR ABOUT ME, EVENTUALLY.

NOT THAT I'LL BE "FAMOUS"
OR WANT TO BE ANYTHING LIKE THAT. 

I DGAF ABOUT THAT SUPERFICIAL SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I CARE ABOUT SUBSTANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOT THAT "EASY" TO FIND.
OR BUILD ON... 

"I THREW EVERYTHING I COULD THINK TO THROW AT A***!"
"I TRIED TO DIMINISH HER LIKE SHE WAS NOTHING!"
"I TRIED TO BREAK HER AND MAKE HER FEEL LIKE SH*T!"

THANKS FOR TRYING. 
THOSE WERE ALL MY ADVANTAGES. FKRS.

"GROWING PAIN."
Get it?

Pain doesn't have to.... DECIDE YOUR LIFE FOR YOU!
YOU DO! YOU GET TO!

EVERY TIME.... I "EXPLAINED" MYSELF....
"HOPING TO BE UNDERSTOOD, FINALLY....."
(NOT LIKE I WAS EVER GOING TO BE....
BY PEOPLE WHO NEVER WANTED TO....)
RIGHT?

PEOPLE GET "UNCOMFORTABLE" AROUND ME....
MOSTLY. NOT EVERYONE... 

IT'S MY VOLUME. NOT AUDIO... MY ENERGY.

"IF PEOPLE SIT ON THEIR TALENT.... I AM A REMINDER....
THAT THEY ARE LETTING IT ROT!"

THEY DON'T KNOW WHY TF THEY ARE "INTIMIDATED" BY
MY MERELY FKN EXISTING!

IT'S BECAUSE I REFLECT TO THEM.... SOMETHING.
THAT BOTHERS THEM MORE....
THAN MY EXISTING DOES.

SOMETHING ABOUT THEMSELVES. 

THEY WANTED ME TO FIND "FLAWS"
THEY MANUFACTURED
AND WANTED ME TO THINK THEY WERE MINE. 

THEY CAN'T BLOW OUT CANDLES
I'M NOT PRESENTING TO THEM, CAN THEY?

PEOPLE CAN WONDER WHO I AM....
ALL THEY WANT TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DO THEY GET TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME?

FKN RUMOR MILL OF A CITY....
BUT WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM A DUMPSTER FIRE?

But whatever! "I TAKE RUMORS AS COMPLIMENTS."
BECAUSE I HAD TO "IMPACT" YOU SOMEHOW....
FOR YOU TO LIE ON MY NAME.... RIGHT?

Want to know something?
PEOPLE GET MAD WHEN I OUTGROW THEM!
THAT'S WHY THEY TRY TO TRIGGER ME!
AND TRY TO DRAG ME DOWN
"TO THEIR LEVEL."

DO I BELONG THERE?
OR DO I BELONG WHERE I CLIMBED TO?

IF I WAS "WRONG" ABOUT HIM WANTING SOMETHING FROM ME....
HE WOULD HAVE PROVED THAT!

BUT I WASN'T! SO HE COULDN'T!

THAT'S WHY HE RAN AWAY!
HE COULDN'T GET FK ALL FROM ME.

WANTED ME "IN PAIN" 
"STRUGGLING"

IF I STRUGGLE, IT'S BECAUSE OF MYSELF. 

BECAUSE OF SOMETHING... THAT I WAS DOING....
OR NOT DOING!

THAT'S IT.

WANTED ME TO BE WHERE THEY ARE AT. I'M NOT.
NEVER WAS.

I NEVER OPERATED LIKE THAT.

WAS I NOT ALLOWED TO CHANGE MY MIND?
ABOUT WHAT THEY WANTED ME TO DOUBT?

WHY DID THEY WANT ME TO DOUBT MY WORTH?
WORTH ASKING? HMMM?

WHY DID THEY WANT ME ISOLATED?
SO I COULD BE "SAD" AND "CRYING"?

I WOULD RATHER FKN BE ALONE!
ISOLATING AN INTROVERT????? LMAO!!!!!!!!!!

MAYBE..... INTROVERTS.....
CAN GROW.......
UNDISTURBED?

"DON'T KNOW WHEN TO QUIT"
EVEN 12 YEARS LATER!

IMAGINE THAT?

YES. I WAS GOING TO STAND UP TO THEM.
BUT..... I NEVER HAD TO DO THAT TO THEM.....
WHAT THEY WERE DOING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DID I? IN 12 FKN YEARS.....
I COULD HAVE DONE A LOT OF SH*T TO THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!
IF I WANTED TO BE ABOUT BS..... RIGHT?

UPSET THAT I'M NOT "LONELY" WHILE ALONE?
UPSET THAT I'M NOT "CRYING IN A BEER"?
UPSET THAT I'M NOT SABOTAGING MYSELF?

IF I ACTED OUT..... I WOULD HAVE BEEN.
IF I ALLOWED MYSELF TO BE DRAGGED DOWN.... 

I saw something... A video.... 

A white couple.... Were fighting a black guy. 

HE SAID "DON'T TOUCH ME."
THE WOMAN HIT HIM IN THE FACE... 
HE UNLOADED ON HER AND HER "MAN."

IT WAS SELF-DEFENSE. THERE WERE WITNESSES.
IT WAS ALL RECORDED.

BUT THEY WANTED TO BLAME HIM.
EVEN THOUGH SHE STRUCK HIM FIRST.

BS.

FELT LIKE AN ANALOGY FOR A BUNCH OF SH*T.

"DON'T TOUCH ME."
THEN... BS. 

BS? REALLY? 

BUT IT WAS ALSO LIKE:
TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT....

EVEN THOUGH IT WAS DESERVED.