Tired

Lots has been running through my mind lately. 
Trying to get some stuff done before the cut off. 

My internet's getting cut at the end of the month...
Because I paid them too late one too many times....
And they disconnected my phone...

And I still owe them money... 

Currently don't have a phone right now. 
But that's okay. 

Still have the internet for now...
Until I don't lol.

But... I think this month is full of changes.
New number... New company...
Maybe I can even save some money... 

Who knows?

Not all changes have to be bad...

Just hard to get out of holes sometimes. 
And get other things set up... 

Just extra sh*t to do....
That I didn't intend to do....
But have to do...

Just that.

So the stuff... I'm working on... 
I'm just going to keep plugging away...
For as long as I can... 

But... That's just some stuff on my mind, I guess.
Just been a bunch of sh*t at once... Unpleasant. 

Maybe it's a retrograde thing lol!

And after that.... Things can shift... Maybe.

Things can always shift. 
And things can shift in surprising ways! 
Sometimes good things happen!

Not all the time... But, sometimes.
And we don't see surprises coming. Right?
Or we wouldn't be surprised. 

It's just that... Throughout my life.... 
A lot of the surprises were.... Bogus. 

Speaking of bogus... 
There used to be a show on TV called Mr. Bogus.
I think in the 90s... 
I remember that show... 

Anyway... A throwback from my childhood. 

It was animated, I think.
Been a while... 

Mr. Bogus <----- 

Yup, animated. From the 90s. 
I was a kid... I remember that much. 

I was 9 years old 1993.. 

Yes, I used to watch cartoons as a kid... 

I remember my son's heartbreak realizing
that his favorite cartoon charcters weren't real...

It broke his heart!
He bawled! 

I felt so bad for telling him, but I'd have to eventually. 

Better to know, right?

I forget how old I was when I realized cartoons weren't real... 
But I don't think I had that reaction. 

I was intrigued about the fact that cartoons were drawings.
And how the drawings are animated... 

It's pretty interesting, right?
I think so!

And all of it was done BY HAND back in the day.
All the classics that were done by hand!

Wild, eh? That skill?
It's an art in itself. 

I've got to figure out some stuff to get out of the hole... 
But when I do, it'll be nice. 

Just getting everything settled up will feel nice, too. 
Finally. To get it off my mind. 

One day. It will happen!
Because: Shifts can happen!

I have a plan... And I'll see how I can pull it off.
I hope I can, but it will take A WHILE.

It isn't one of those "get rich quick" things.

It's a "multi-layer" thing. 
My job is to build it and tie it all together. 

But each part... Has it's own thing... 
And each thing has to be built, by me. 

I don't have anyone on my "team" to help me build it. 
Would be cool, but HARD TO TRUST PEOPLE THESE DAYS.

And there's that whole thing about not getting into business
with friends or family... 

"Just in case."

Because although we hope that things would "work out"
THE WAY WE HOPED...
THAT DOES NOT ALWAYS HAPPEN.

Also, I have to get a tooth pulled. 
It's been bugging me. Aching. 

I was supposed to get it pulled last month, 
but I was too congested in my lungs... 
Coughing up a bunch of stuff. Gross.
(Sorry tmi).

I just read something: "I take rumors as compliments." LOL!
I LOVE IT.

She made a point about assumptions...
People can THINK that they know... 
BUT DO THEY?

Anyway... She was talking about how some women....
TEND TO COMPETE AND GET JEALOUS ETC.

A long time ago.... I used to get jealous... 
At school I had a crush on a guy
who had a crush on a chick.

I hated her. She didn't do anything to me.
I hated her because I wanted "dude" to like me.
But he didn't. 

It was... Bad. Like.... Really bad. 

I remember that, though.
FEELING LIKE THAT AND ACTING LIKE THAT.
AND THINKING LIKE THAT.

I don't get jealous anymore. 
I forget how I "broke the habit"
BUT IT WAS A HABIT. 
HABIT OF THINKING "JEALOUS" THOUGHTS.
HABIT OF FEELING "JEALOUS."
HABIT OF ACTING "JEALOUS."

IT WAS A HABIT. 

Anyway... I did get over that guy....
OBVIOUSLY... 
WAS SO LONG AGO LOL. 

But that was way back then....
BEFORE I THOUGHT A LOT ABOUT THAT
AND SOME OTHER THINGS...

But I did break that habit. 

Wish I could remember how... 
But I did become extremely secure. 
Emotionally.... 

To the point that I don't feel, think, or act like that anymore. 
It didn't feel good. It felt crappy. 
It didn't LOOK good, either. 

All good... It was a learning experience, I guess.
Learning about myself. 
Learning about emotional management etc. 

I wish I could remember how I broke that habit
because I'd write about it. 

Might help someone overcome their habits... 

But... It's been a very long time! I'm getting OLD lol. 

Anyway, I can use the internet at the library until I can get the net. 
I didn't have the net when I first moved here... 
I managed without it. 

I went without using the internet for 6 months... Once.
The hardest part was wanting to look things up on Google. 
After a while it was okay!

Just did a bunch of "offline" stuff.
I knit more, I listened to music, I read more... 
I just did other stuff. 

It went well. And then, I got the net back
and been spending a lot of time online...

Maybe a break is what I needed?
So.... I'll keep going....
Until I have to take a break... 

BUT... I'll be back... Eventually...
And... By then... My head will likely be clearer... 

And I'll have other things to write about....
Other than the things that I've been processing lately. 

Just a bunch of changes to make and adapt to. 
It'll be okay. I'll get things figured out... 

Just not everything RIGHT IN THIS MOMENT.
I have to drop it until I can focus on it. 

Yes, extra stuff, important stuff... 
Can be kind of stressful to figure out... 
But... I can manage that.

I'd rather not have to, but I do. I'll do it.

"A CHANGE WILL DO YOU GOOD."

Lots of changes can do us good. 
Like breaking crappy habits... 

Habits can "run automatically."
Muscle memory even... 

PROGRAMMING. 

But it doesn't mean that we need to have or keep them. 
There are helpful habits and habits that don't help us. 

A lot of my habits were not helping me. 
Some of my habits need to change, still, but...

I have broken some that I needed to. 
I have made some progress. 

Slow progress, I guess, but some progress....
IS BETTER THAN NONE. 

Who knows where I'm going to be in 5 years from now?
I could be out of this place, debt free, eating good... Etc. 

Who knows? Could even go better than I had hoped. Right?

I won't know, until I see how it goes.