"I Missed Our Talks..."

That's what Iron Heart told me.
IT WASN'T THAT HE MISSED ME....
IT WAS THE DEPTHS OF OUR CONVERSATIONS.

When people try to "replace me...."
THEY TRY TO FIND ME IN OTHER PEOPLE.
THE SAME CONNECTION THEY COULD HAVE HAD WITH ME.

BUT THEY CAN'T FIND IT....
BECAUSE NOT MANY PEOPLE
HAVE "MEANINGFUL" CONVERSATIONS.

BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE....
ARE SURFACE LEVEL.
AND THEY STAY THERE.

THAT'S AS MUCH AS YOU GET FROM THOSE PEOPLE.

But.... They aren't me.
BECAUSE THEY DO NOT SEE WHAT I DO.
IN THE WAYS THAT I DO.

THEY DON'T.

AND BECAUSE THEY DON'T....

THEY ARE NOT ME.

So they can try to "replace me."
BUT THEY CAN'T!

And if it takes 12 years to realize that.....
THAT'S TOO FKN LONG!

Surprised they realized they made a "mistake."
THAT'S AS CLOSE TO ACCOUNTABILITY....
I'LL EVER GET.... FROM HIM.

PROBABLY AT ALL.
FROM ANYONE!

THEY TOOK THE EASY WAY....
AND LEARNED THE HARD WAY.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS!

IF YOU TAKE THE HARD WAY....
YOU STILL LEARN, RIGHT?

COPING WITH BEING OVERWHELMED....
IS PUSHING THAT "HARD WORK"
OF SELF-AWARENESS
ASIDE.

SELF-AWARENESS IS HARD SH*T!
IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE EASY!

SELF-AWARENESS INCLUDES:
ADMITTING MISTAKES!
CHANGING!
GROWING UP!
TAKING ACCOUNTABILITY!
REALIZING YOU WERE FKN WRONG!
ABOUT SOMEONE AND YOURSELF!

REALIZING YOU SHOULDN'T DISCARD
SOMEONE WHO HAD GOOD INTENTIONS!
WHO WAS REAL WITH YOU!

REALIZING YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TAKEN SOMEONE FOR GRANTED!

REALIZING WHAT APPRECIATION IS FOR!

REALIZING YOU GAVE SOMEONE A HARD TIME
FOR FKN NO REASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MADE IT HARD TO TALK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

REALIZE WHATEVER! IT'S ALL THERE FOR EVERYONE!

BUT DO NOT FKN COME CRYING TO ME WHEN YOU DO!
GO AHEAD AND FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF...
BUT THEY WERE NOT "SORRY" WHEN THEY DID THAT SH*T!

BECAUSE EVERYONE GETS TO SIT ON....
EVERYTHING THEY DID TO ME!

EVERYTHING!
ALL OF IT!

OWN THAT SH*T LIKE I WOULD HAVE TO!
DO YOU THINK I'D GET ANY MERCY?
IF I DID THAT SH*T?

I FKN WOULDN'T! RIGHT?

But... Like I said....
When you throw away something REAL....
YOU GET SOMETHING FAKE.

IT HAPPENS. AND I CAN LAUGH ABOUT IT.

I DON'T HAVE TO SAY:
"I TOLD YOU SO."

OR "LOOK AT ME NOW."

OR WHATEVER. I DON'T HAVE TO SAY FK ALL.
BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW.

I CAN SIT WITH THE FACT THAT I WOULDN'T HAVE....
DONE HIM LIKE THAT.

HE CAN SIT WITH THAT, TOO. 
FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.

Honestly, I was so angry....
THAT I DID WANT TO GET BACK AT HIM!

AND WHEN I WAS THINKING ABOUT THAT, 
I WAS DRUNK.

I REALIZED:
IF I DIDN'T MATTER TO HIM....
HE SHOULDN'T GET TO MATTER TO ME....
SO I JUST MOVED ON WITH MY LIFE.

JUST THAT.

BECAUSE IF I WAS "TOXIC".....
I COULD HAVE DONE A BUNCH OF TOXIC SH*T.

DID I, THOUGH? DID I? NO?

IF YOU WANT TO "KEEP YOUR OPTIONS OPEN"
DO THAT!

I CAN, TOO! THINK ABOUT THAT?

BUT... WAS I TREATING YOU LIKE AN OPTION?
OR WAS I TREATING YOU LIKE A CHOICE?

"MUST HAVE BEEN SOMEONE ELSE.... I DON'T REMEMBER THAT..."

YOU DON'T REMEMBER THAT CONCERT.....
BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T GO TO IT WITH ME!

BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO BUSY TREATING ME LIKE CRAP.....
TO HEAR ME.... WHEN I SAID.... I GOT US TICKETS.

SO... I TOOK THOSE TICKETS.... AND WENT WITH....
SOMEONE ELSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T REMEMBER IT!
YOU WEREN'T THERE!

COULD HAVE BEEN.... BUT...... YOU TREATED ME.....
LIKE? CRAP?

REPEATEDLY?
INTENTIONALLY?

AND I'D WANT TO DO THAT AGAIN?

If writing about this.... Was about trying to "ruin his life"
I'D MAKE SURE TO NAME & SHAME HIM! RIGHT?
I DGAF WHAT HE DOES WITH HIS LIFE!
DID HE GAF ABOUT ME?
HOW I FELT?
THE THINGS I WAS SAYING?

NO?

THEN DO WHATEVER TF YOU WANT WITH YOUR LIFE!

I'LL KEEP BUILDING MINE, THANKS.

SO I WOULD WANT HIM TO "MAGICALLY CARE" 
12 YEARS LATER?
WHEN HE COULD HAVE CARED 12 YEARS AGO?!!!!

Cared enough NOT TO XYZ?

JUST THAT?

But enjoy everything that's "better." Enjoy it.

Not saying "I'm the best and everyone will miss me."

I'm saying: "I'm not someone who can be easily replaced."

I'm saying: "Not everyone had the same intentions as I did."

I'm saying: "HE DIDN'T HAVE TO PLAY GAMES."

I'm saying: 

IF YOU REFUSE TO TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY....
THERE'S NO WAY YOU CAN CONVINCE ME.....
THAT YOU'RE MATURE ENOUGH....
TO HAVE SOMETHING REAL WITH ME.

JUST THAT.

WASHED UP PLAYER! WASHED UP!

FOR "THE RIGHT PERSON"
WHO TREATS ME "RIGHT."
I CAN BE A GIVING PERSON. 
OPEN... OPEN-HEARTED. LOYAL ETC.

BUT I WON'T WASTE IT ON ANYONE ANYMORE.