It Threw Me

At some point, I had to just STOP WANTING WHAT I WANTED.
BECAUSE IT WAS JUST NOT HAPPENING.
I DO NOT HAVE ANY FAITH THAT IT ACTUALLY WILL.

Wanting what I wanted was like TORTURING MYSELF.
Just by wanting it, it was like torturing myself.

1) BECAUSE OF HOW MUCH I WANTED IT
2) BECAUSE IT WAS SOMETHING SIMPLE
3) BECAUSE OTHERS CAN HAVE IT EASILY

I used to think: WHY CAN'T I HAVE THAT, TOO?
WHY THEM?
WHY NOT ME, TOO?!

Then, I fkn stopped.
BECAUSE WANTING SOMETHING
THAT'S ALWAYS BEEN OUT OF REACH....
DANGLED IN MY FACE LIKE:
"HERE, LET ME GIVE YOU SOME HOPE I CAN SQUASH."

WHY FKN DO THAT SH*T TO ME? WHY?
JUST TO DO IT?

That's what p*ssed me off the most.

BECAUSE I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO BE "OKAY"
WITH SH*T I'M NOT OKAY WITH.

AND WHEN I AM UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING
SOMEONE IS DOING....
AND I TELL THEM HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT....
AND THEY SHOW ME WHO TF THEY ACTUALLY ARE....
AND I CAN'T "UNSEE" THAT SH*T.
I HAD A BAD TASTE IN MY MOUTH AFTER THAT.

THERE WAS NO "SORRY A***!"
THERE WAS ZERO ACKNOWLEDGEMENT.

AND MAYBE IT IS MY FAULT
FOR OVERLY ROMANTICIZING POSSIBILITY.
MAYBE IT IS, REALLY, TRULY.

BECAUSE: DID I HAVE TO DO THAT? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT I WASN'T GIVING FALSE HOPE.
MIXED SIGNALS.
OR PLAYING FKN GAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND I'M SURE AF NOT INTERESTED IN BS.
WHY WOULD I BE?

And if you try to hold my feelings against me....
SHOULD I GAF HOW YOU FEEL
THAT I DON'T WANT TO RECONNECT?
AFTER THAT SH*T?

IF I DID THAT TO HIM.........
SHOULD HE GAF ABOUT ME?
AFTER THAT SH*T?

What bugs me.....
WHEN PEOPLE SLAM THE DOOR IN THEIR OWN FACE.....
WHY TF DO THEY THINK THEY CAN WAIT
12 FKN YEARS....
AND TRY TO KNOCK AGAIN?

I'm not a "long-lost love" that got "separated suddenly."
Like childhood sweethearts and my family had to move away....
Or some sh*t like that.... 

HE WENT TO THE SAME SCHOOL AS ME.
WE USED TO HANG OUT SOMETIMES.

HE BORROWED MY CD AND NEVER GAVE IT BACK.

HE LIED ABOUT HAVING A GF.
HE PRETENDED TO BE SINGLE.
HE KNEW I LIKED HIM.
HE WASN'T EVEN A REAL FRIEND TO ME.
A REAL FRIEND WOULD NOT HAVE DONE ME LIKE THAT.

It was only convenient for HIM.
BECAUSE I WAS THERE.
THAT'S WHY.

NOW I AM NOT.

HE CHOSE. I LET HIM.
I AM LIVING MY LIFE NOW.

WHY TRY TO "DISRUPT" THAT OR ANYTHING FOR ME?

BECAUSE HE WANTS SOMETHING.
OR ELSE WHY?

WHAT HE WANTS IS NOT MY FKN PROBLEM.