I'm SAD

I mostly start feeling down when summer comes to a close.
I'm not sure why, but it happens.

Tonight is some of that... 

Been emotionally DRAINED all day.

Someone I had considered a friend was being a DICK to my friend.
That really steamed me up for a while.

I'm tired of having to SAY THINGS LIKE:
DON'T BE A D*CK TO MY FRIENDS.

I'M NOT A TW@T TO YOUR FRIENDS, AM I?
OUT OF RESPECT FOR YOU?!

SO CAN'T YOU RESPECT ME?
BY NOT BEING A DICK TO MY FRIENDS?!

Basic respect goes a long way... It really does.

I wasn't expecting to hear from that one guy, though.
ESPECIALLY 12 YEARS AFTER THE FACT....
"HAS ENOUGH TIME PASSED?" NO.
NOT FOR ME TO "FORGET" THAT SH*T.

And had I been like: "Sure! Let's reconnect!"
HOW WOULD HE HAVE TREATED ME?
ANY FKN DIFFERENTLY?
PROBABLY FKN NOT.

THE ONLY GUYS WHO WANT ME
ONLY WANT ME WHEN THEY CAN'T FKN HAVE ME.

THAT'S IT.

BECAUSE WHEN I WAS RIGHT THERE....
THE WHOLE TIME.....

HOW DID THEY TREAT ME?
LIKE I MATTERED TO THEM?
LIKE THEY CARED ABOUT ME?
LIKE THEY WANTED ME IN THEIR LIFE?

OR WERE THEY FKN SELFISH??????????????
ONLY IN IT FOR SOMETHING
OTHER THAN ME.

WHATEVER WAS CONVENIENT.

NOPE.

I DIDN'T CONVENIENTLY "FORGET"
12 YEARS LATER.

"IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME!"
NO SH*T!

FOR A REASON!

I'm allowed to be sad and disappointed.
THAT THEY COULD HAVE JUST
FKN TREATED ME BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I HAVE THE CHANCE TO TREAT A***
BETTER THAN WHOEVER DIDN'T APPRECIATE HER."

Yeah, had that chance 12 YEARS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RIGHT BEFORE MY LAST RELATIONSHIP!

And every freaking time I HAVE EVER "LIKED A GUY"
AND THOUGHT: HE'S DIFFERENT!
HE WOULDN'T TREAT ME LIKE CRAP!
THEY TURN AROUND AND DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So why would I even trust my own feelings for ANYONE now?

Having any kind of romantic feelings for anyone 
= DISAPPOINTMENT.

And having to recover, emotionally etc.

HAVING TO PULL MYSELF OUT OF DEPRESSION.

IS THAT WORTH THE "MAYBE HE'S DIFFERENT"?!
NOT REALLY.

Because there's "hope" and fkn.... GETTING OVER SOMEONE.
WHO YOU WANTED IN YOUR LIFE.
AT SOME POINT.

I'M NOT 16 ANYMORE!
I'M NOT 18 ANYMORE!
I'M NOT IN MY 20s ANYMORE!

Sometimes I feel like my best years are gone.
WASTED ON FKN "POTENTIAL."

NOT MY OWN POTENTIAL....
THE POTENTIAL FOR A RELATIONSHIP
THAT DIDN'T GET TO "BE."

THE POTENTIAL OF "MARRIAGE" EVEN.

BUT WOULD I HAVE BEEN HAPPY?
IN A MARRIAGE WHERE I GOT TAKEN FOR GRANTED?
FK NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FK!!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So.... Even though I didn't get "chosen."

BY WHO I WANTED TO BE WITH.....

AND NEVER FKN GOT MARRIED.....
AND PROBABLY NEVER WILL.....

I STILL MADE IT THIS FAR.

Because the way some dudes TRIED TO FKN BREAK ME.....
HAD ME FKD UP.

FOR A LONG TIME.

TOO LONG.

But.... WHERE THEY LEFT ME....
ISN'T WHERE I AM NOW.

THEY GET TO SIT WITH THAT.

"Looks like you're in an interesting line of work."
I KNOW YOU DGAF WHAT I DO FOR "WORK."

YOU SEE ME DOING BETTER....
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TRY TO RUIN THAT FOR ME.

Because it was all FUN AND GAMES WHEN I WAS AT MY LOWEST, 
RIGHT?

HAD NO TIME FOR ME, RIGHT?
DIDN'T GAF, RIGHT?

SO WHY START NOW?

Why would I trust someone 
who went out of his fkn way.....

TO SHOW ME WHY I CAN'T?

NOT WITH MY HEART, 
NOT WITH WHO I AM, 
HOW I FELT, ANYTHING.

SO FK THAT!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I am sad though....
I miss who I thought he was....
I miss the "potential" I saw....
I miss a lot of things that I thought were REAL.

But was anything?

OR WAS IT A FKN JOKE?
OR A TEST?
OR SOMETHING ELSE?