I Learned From Lessons

He was a lesson for me.
HE WAS A CATALYST, ACTUALLY.
WHETHER HE REALIZES THAT OR NOT...

But why does that matter?
Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. 

I'm too tired to make much sense out of what I feel right now....
AND WHY I FEEL THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT ALL OF IT.

I've tried to explain some of it.... 

I DON'T NEED OR WANT ANY FKN "TRAUMA BOND" SH*T.
I DON'T NEED OR WANT ANY FKN "PLAYERS."

IF YOU WANT TO PLAY GAMES....
THERE ARE OTHER CHICKS TO PLAY WITH!
AND SOME OF THEM FKN LIKE IT!
I DON'T!

But he can be MAD at me for NOT WANTING TO RECONNECT.
BECAUSE I ALREADY TRIED TO RECONNECT
AFTER HIGH SCHOOL.

HOW DID THAT GO? GREAT?!!!!! FANTASTIC????!!!!

WAS IT EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED?
IN A PERSON?

IN AN ACTUAL PARTNER?

SOMEONE I COULD ACTUALLY TRUST??????
NOT TO TREAT ME LIKE THAT????

NOT TO TAKE ME FOR GRANTED???

Maybe I have GOALS. 
Maybe there are certain things I WANT TO ACCOMPLISH.
Maybe I HAVE PLANS THAT DO NOT INCLUDE HIM.
OR ANY OF THESE CLOWNS.

But don't be MAD at me that I'm not allowing myself
TO BE MANIPULATED BY A "HEY."

DO I GAF THAT YOU "CHANGED YOUR MIND"
12 YEARS LATER? SHOULD I?

WHY TF SHOULD I?

"BECAUSE HE CHANGED"????!!!!
LIKE FK HE DID!!!!!!!!!! LOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THERE WAS NOTHING IN THAT MESSAGE THAT SAYS:
LOOK! I'VE CHANGED!!!!!!!!!!

SHOULD I CARE JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS FOMO?

"I BETTER TRY WITH HER AGAIN....
ONE DAY SHE'LL GET MARRIED AND I'LL BE FKED."

WELP, I'M NOT MARRIED.
NO INTENT ON MARRYING FKN ANYONE....

BUT NO INTEREST IN BEATING DEAD FKN HORSES, EITHER.

DIDN'T VALUE ME WHEN HE COULD HAVE....
SO.... WHY TRY TO JUSTIFY BS TO ME?

DO I NEED THAT? DID I EVER? NO?

THEN WHY?

BECAUSE "I COULD MARRY SOMEONE ONE DAY"
SO BETTER TRY TO LOCK ME DOWN? LOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YEAH, IF I DO MARRY, ONE DAY.....
LIKELY WON'T, BUT IF I DO......

IT WON'T BE HIM.
AND HE'LL HAVE TO LIVE WITH
"WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN."

But the point is.... I learned FROM HIM, 
FROM MIRROR SMASHER, FROM MANY CLOWNS.
WHO TOOK ME FOR GRANTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND EACH TIME I THOUGHT:
THIS TIME WILL BE DIFFERENT!!!!!!
IT TURNED OUT TO BE THE SAME SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'D RATHER STAND ALONE.....
THAN GO RIGHT BACK TO THE SAME SH*T.

BUT, "A*** MIGHT BECOME SUCCESSFUL!"
"SOMEONE MIGHT COME ALONG AND SWEEP HER OFF HER FEET!"

MAYBE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BUT WHO'S BUSINESS IS THAT? MINE!!!!!!!!!!