Mixed Feelings

The shock is wearing off, I guess.
SHOCKED THAT HE CONTACTED ME.
AND HOW CASUALLY HE DID IT
LIKE WHAT HE DID NEVER MATTERED.
AND I STILL DIDN'T MATTER (ENOUGH)
FOR HIM TO FKN ACKNOWLEDGE ANYTHING.

What is really heavy is....
IF THINGS HAD BEEN DIFFERENT.....
I WOULD HAVE LOVED....
TO RECONNECT.

But..... I DON'T NEED BS.
AND DON'T WANT IT.

I wasn't sitting around WAITING FOR HIM TO SEE MY WORTH!!!!!!!!!!
I WAS LIVING MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WITHOUT HIM IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And expecting me to FORGET...
AND BE LIKE: "WOW! BEEN FOREVER! LET'S CHILL!"

Like.... At the time....
IF HE WAS SCARED OF ACTUALLY "CONNECTING" WITH ME....
HE COULD HAVE FKN SAID SO!

OR WHATEVER TF WAS GOING ON.... 

BECAUSE HE WASN'T ALWAYS LIKE THAT.

That's why my feelings are all over the place!!!!!!!!!

Because HAD HE BEEN GOOD TO ME....
I WOULD HAVE LOVED LOVED LOVED LOVED TO RECONNECT!!!!!!!

I WOULD HAVE BEEN FKN ECSTATIC!!!! 
HAPPY AF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TRULY!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT???!!!

Honestly, there have been times I DID THINK ABOUT HIM.....
BUT THEN I REMEMBERED HOW IT FELT DEALING WITH HIM.
I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL LIKE THAT AGAIN.

I DO NOT WANT TO LET ANYONE AFFECT ME.

I DO NOT HAVE THE EMOTIONAL BANDWIDTH.
FOR MUCH OF ANYTHING ANYMORE....

Caring about people WHO DO NOT GAF ABOUT ME
IS FKN EXHAUSTING. 

I don't feel like doing that anymore!
And that is my right: Not wanting to!

Mostly because his dad's store was closing...
That's why I even thought about him.

NOT BECAUSE I WAS MISSING HIM, WANTING HIM, NOTHING.

LIKE.... 12 YEARS TOO FKN LATE....

And my last relationship was after THAT.

And yes, I am over my ex.

Sure, there have been times I thought about some things....
Thought about him, but he treated me the way he did, too.

MIRROR SMASHER DID TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
99% OF DUDES I EVER TRIED TO DATE....

Which is WHY I DON'T WANT TO FKN DATE ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!

But my feelings are all over the place today....
BECAUSE IF THINGS HAD BEEN DIFFERENT.....
I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO SEE HIM AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My nervous system is kinda fkd right now. 
I hate feeling like this. I really do.

BECAUSE A TINY PART OF ME WANTS TO SEE HIM AGAIN!
AND A HUGE PART OF ME FKN DOESN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE OF HOW HE FKN TREATED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LIKE I DIDN'T FKN MATTER TO HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO WHY SHOULD I NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!????
I DIDN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I FKN DIDN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I DO NOT FKN HAVE TO.... NOW.
LIKE FK OFF WITH THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"YOU CAN MATTER 12 YEARS FROM NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Y'KNOW????????

AND I AM NOT CONVINCED I EVER FKN DID OR WILL.
SO I DON'T REALLY EVEN KNOW WHAT TO THINK!!!!!!!!!!
OR FEEL! OR DO!!!!!!!! OR SAY!!!!!!!!!
OR FKN ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But I don't want to feel like THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I didn't want to feel like THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALSO: WHY SHOULD I GIVE HIM ANYTHING HE WANTS?
DID HE GAF WHAT I WANTED?
TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT?
TO BE TREATED FAIRLY?
LIKE I MATTERED?
NO?

SO..... WHAT????? WHAT DO I EVEN DO WITH THIS?