It's Been Useful & Helpful

Writing. I'm talking about writing. 
Whether it's blogging, journaling, or whatever...
Writing is flexible and it provided me with the flexibility
that I needed to explore my thoughts and feelings in a way
that seems to have been useful to achieve a few things....
It wasn't that it was easy to do.
It wasn't that it was instantaneous.
It was built by me, intentionally.
Internally.

What I've been writing about are things that reflect
who I've become after overcoming certain things, 
after reflecting on certain things, 
thinking deeper than I used to think.... 

Overall developing.... Slowly, yes...
If I could have been where I am NOW
10 years ago... Or 20 years ago....
Things might have been different in my life today. 

Today, I was at a location I used to frequent back in 2014... 

Close to where I went to counselling when I first quit drinking.

When I thought back to where I was, emotionally, then....
And where I am emotionally, today, I can see and FEEL the difference.

The difference feels so much better, like a huge relief
from how I used to feel.

I thought about the things I did that actually helped.

The way I was thinking.... Wasn't helping me.
It wasn't.

I didn't know how else to think!
I thought the ways I always thought!
I didn't know the difference!

Between thinking the way I always thought....
And thinking in ways that were useful to see some things
in new ways that I could use creatively and constructively.

I became more interested in certain things that helped me
think along the lines of things that might work better
than the ways that I used to operate. 

I was thinking:
It was best that I didn't actually "get" what I "always wanted."
when I wasn't ready to actually appreciate it.

I had good things in my life before.
Before I could see certain things and when I missed certain things.
Facts that were right in front of me....
About things that were waiting to be realized, in a way.

The reason I write about it is that some of it was useful.
It's not to brag or whatever.

It's not that I ever thought of myself as "special."
Because I "finally realized something."
that took me forever to realize.... 

I never had to or wanted to look at myself like that.
I just had to realize that I actually have certain skills
that are actually practical and transferrable.

With those, I can use them to help myself
and communicate certain things that others MIGHT use
to reflect on their own stuff.

Whether they do or not....
That isn't the point.

The point is that... 
I had to go deeper to uncover certain things
that would have remained unseen
had I not looked at certain things.

It was either I was going to actually do that...
Or keep refusing to do it.
I had that choice, and that choice was mine the whole time.

When we look at some things, we aren't looking at other things.
And that's not just about perspective.

It's actually about something pretty deep
that I can't figure out how to articulate in this moment.

It IS about perspective, but it's not JUST about perspective.

It's really hard to articulate the other components right now.
Because on some level, I intuitively know what those are....
At the same time, even if I can express some things....
I can't express everything.... In the ways that I want to.

I guess that what I want is to be able to express it
in ways that make sense and in ways that are helpful to someone
who might understand and use what I expressed in a way
that might help them. 

Writing is flexible. It's accommodating.
It's exploratory.
It's a TOOL.

It's not just a form of expression.
It's much more useful and fluid than that.

That's what I love about it.

A long time ago.... A lot was really hard for me.
I couldn't "connect" in the ways I wanted to or wish that I could.
I hadn't developed certain strengths that I have now....
I hadn't taken the time to do any of that.

"Arrested development" is an understatement
when it comes to describing myself.

No shame in describing myself truthfully.
I can be honest about where I was.
I can be honest about why I was there.
I can be honest about what took me so long to see some things.

Some things that I wish I had seen sooner, but....
At least I have seen what I have seen.
Some of it was stuff I needed to see.
FOR A REALLY LONG TIME!

AND HAD I SEEN IT, LONG AGO, 
I COULD HAVE USED IT, LONG AGO.

That's part of why I'm sharing it, on here, 
so that if it clicks for you, for the reasons it did, for me, 
then you can use it for certain purposes.

If it helps you operate closer to the way that you've wanted to, 
like it did for me, 
then I'm glad about that.

Why wouldn't I be?
I'm allowed to be glad about that.