Reflecting A Bit

Reflecting on things has actually helped me.
Whether reflecting in thought or in writing....
It's still reflecting.

That's how people can gain insight.

I did a lot of reflecting in writing.
I don't mind doing it.
Especially if it helps other people reflect on their own lives.
Not that I expect what I say to have any kind of "effect."
If it does, cool. I'd be surprised, actually.

Spent my life mostly SHELVED.
PUT ON THE BACK BURNER.
ALL KINDS OF STUFF.
IMPULSIVE SH*T.

BECAUSE IF PEOPLE THOUGHT....
ABOUT ME....
WOULD THEY DO THAT?

Honestly... Even though I've wanted others to put themselves
IN MY SHOES....
I DIDN'T ALWAYS DO THAT.
FOR THEM.

THERE ARE MANY TIMES
I WAS TOO SELFISH TO BE CONSIDERATE
OF OTHER PEOPLE.

AND TOO IGNORANT.

As fkd up as I was.... 
I've actually realized a lot.

Because I thought about a lot.
I asked myself a lot of questions.
I've been delving into some deeper things....
About myself.

Because if I don't....
None of that gets looked at.
At all. Let alone whatever way it does.

My immaturity COST ME.
Was I thinking about the consequences?

Was I thinking about what I would lose?
Was I thinking about how he felt?
Was I thinking about even talking about it?
With him?

It should have been about how he felt.
ABOUT UNDERSTANDING THAT.

Yes, I was extremely insecure.
Yes, I was extremely unstable.
Yes, I was extremely immature.

I was fkd up in so many ways.
BUT I COULD HAVE CHANGED.

I WASN'T READY.

My BS probably affected him.

IT WASN'T THAT HE WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM.

I WAS THE ONE WHO TOOK A RISK.
NOT GROWING & CHANGING WAS A RISK.

BEING WITH ME WAS A RISK FOR HIM.
HE TOOK THAT RISK.
TO BE WITH ME.

He dealt with a lot from me.
Was I seeing that? When he was dealing with it?
From me?

OR WAS I TOO BUSY BEING FKD UP?
TO SEE FKN ANYTHING?
ABOUT MYSELF?
OR HOW I WAS?
BACK THEN?

If I had the chance to just TALK TO HIM AGAIN,
I'D TAKE IT.

BUT I'M THE ONE WHO FKD UP.
I WAS THE ONE WHO WASTED HIS TIME.
I WASN'T DEALING WITH MY BS.

I SEE IT NOW.
HOW IT SEEMED, LOOKED, WAS, FELT, ETC.
HOW I ACTED, THOUGHT..... ALL OF THAT.

Why did it take so long? I don't know why.
Maybe I spent too long COPING
WITH MY OWN SH*T.
OR TRYING TO.
BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I WASN'T ALONE
WHEN I WAS WITH HIM...

I WAS IN SOME WAYS.
BECAUSE SOME THINGS
I COULDN'T EXPECT ANYONE TO UNDERSTAND.

I WISH I HADN'T ENDED IT,
FOR THE BS REASONS I DID.

OR AT ALL.

I WISH I HADN'T DONE MANY THINGS.

I WISH I HAD WORKED IT OUT
WHEN I COULD HAVE.

BUT NOW.... I CAN'T.

AT THE SAME TIME, I WASN'T SEEING THE THINGS
AT THAT TIME, 
THAT I SEE NOW.

IF I DID, I WOULD HAVE MADE BETTER CHOICES.

I'M THE ONE WHO MADE THE CHOICES
THAT I MADE.

IN THAT MOMENT.

THAT AFFECTED BOTH OF US.
NOT JUST ME, NOT JUST HIM.
BOTH OF US.

But at the same time....
I WASN'T FIT TO EVEN BE DATING!
I WAS NOT ON HIS LEVEL!
I WASN'T FUNCTIONAL AS A PERSON!
AM I? EVEN NOW?

I DOUBT THAT.
VERY MUCH.