Hard One To Write

If you've read my really old stuff.... 
This might make some sense.

Because you'd know where I was at...
Emotionally, for a long time... 

Especially when it came to the life I wish I got to live.... 
Not that I was OWED by anyone.... 

It's grief-related. 
One of my good friends died a couple of months ago.
I went to his celebration of life last Monday.
I didn't know if I was even going to get to go to it.

I did get to go to it! 

Still kind of processing.... 
He died. He's dead.
He bled out.
He had an accident with his ATV....
It punctured his artery.... He's gone.

It wasn't even a month after his 49th birthday....

He's been accident-prone.... Very.... 
That was the bane of his existence.
It was his death.... 

I'm sad that my friend is gone.... 
I'm sad about how he died....
I'm sad for his family.... 
Especially his nieces and nephews... 
And his sisters.

I feel very numb. Exhausted on many levels... 
Yes, LOSS, but it's also
A LIFE I NEVER GOT TO LIVE.

AND THAT PART HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM.

IT HAS TO DO WITH CARING AND WANTING SOMETHING
THAT USED TO MEAN SO MUCH TO ME... 

MAYBE IN SOME WAYS, IT STILL DOES, 
BUT I'M VERY TIRED.

NOT JUST BECAUSE I HAVEN'T SLEPT YET.
I FEEL TIRED IN MY SOUL.
FOR REAL.
IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE THAT WILL GO AWAY.
I WISH IT WOULD!

I wish I could just feel better about how my life turned out.
It could have been worse, I guess.

It really could be worse!
Deeply, honestly, I know this!

If the worst that happens is that I don't ever get married....
Or go on a date....
Or have that partnership that would be ideal for me.... 
If that's the worst.... Is that so bad?

Lots of people never get married.
It's not like I'm the only one who won't ever get married, right?

EVEN IF IT FEELS LIKE THAT SOMETIMES!

EVEN IF THE FEELINGS THAT I WISH WOULD GO TF AWAY.....
ARE STILL THERE....
DECADES LATER... 

WHEN THEY SHOULD HAVE JUST.... ENDED.

BECAUSE.... AFTER EVERYTHING....
WHY DOES THAT STUPID PART OF ME.....
STILL FKN WANT THAT? WHY?

I KNOW THAT IT'S NOT GOING TO JUST BE....
"INSTANT HAPPINESS."
THE "HONEYMOON PHASE" ENDS AT SOME POINT.

Part of me wants to just go STRONG AND HARD FOR MYSELF, 
FOR MY LIFE, MY FUTURE.... ALL OF THOSE POWER MOVES....

But I feel fkn SAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not angry, not bitter, just fkn SAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Should I feel SAD about being single? Fk no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Being single is so much better than being with the wrong person!

I KNOW THIS!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IT'S SO FKN TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALSO, WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE WITH ANYONE....
WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH ME?

WHO DOES NOT EVEN FKN TRY?

I TRIED! FOR TOO LONG! I STOPPED!
NO POINT IN CONTINUING.

WHY WOULD I?
IT'D BE ANOTHER ONE-SIDED THING
THAT I'D ALSO HAVE TO GRIEVE.

SO WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

JUST TO DO IT?
JUST TO WASTE MORE TIME?
JUST TO KEEP WANTING SOMETHING
THAT APPARENTLY I CAN'T SEEM TO HAVE?
WILL I EVER HAVE ANYTHING EVEN CLOSE?

WHY AM I EVEN ASKING IF I EVER WILL?
DOES THAT EVEN MATTER?

SHOULD IT HAVE MATTERED AS MUCH AS IT DID?
EVEN AS MUCH AS IT SOMETIMES STILL DOES?

Because it's not an ALL-THE-TIME feeling like it used to be.
It's more of a grief that visits and overstays its welcome.... 
Repeatedly and unannounced... 

Not all the time..... Not every day.... 
Sometimes I feel OKAY.
ABOUT BEING SINGLE.
ABOUT BEING..... NOT MARRIED....
NOT "IN LOVE."

EVEN ABOUT THE TIMES I WAS TAKEN FOR GRANTED!
BEEN HEALING ALL OF THAT.... OR SO I THOUGHT....
UNTIL IT..... POPS UP.

AGAIN. AND STAYS.... LINGERS....
UNTIL IT FKN GOES AWAY, AGAIN, FOR A WHILE.
I HATE HAVING TO FEEL IT, 
I HATE HAVING TO DEAL WITH IT.
I HATE HAVING TO PICK MY LIFE UP.... 
MYSELF UP.... FROM THIS.... STILL.

It's not that I'm desperate for "love."
I HAVE BEEN SINGLE FOR FKN 11 YEARS!

BEFORE THAT, IT WASN'T AS LONG, 
BUT IT WAS STILL A LONG TIME.